WHO IS HOWIE RICH?

Contents JANUARY 4, 2006 VOLUME 2 ISSUE 10

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Sean Rayford
803.256.6670 - theangrywhale@yahoo.com
IRAQ CORRESPONDENT David Axe
david@columbiacitypaper.com
MANAGING EDITOR Todd Morehead
PAGE 5 803.740.9090 - todd@columbiacitypaper.com

News.Politics.Commentary
A RICH LIBERTARIAN TRYS TO HIJACK THE S.C. GENERAL ELECTION NEWS EDITOR Corey Hutchins
803.261.6874 - corey@columbiacitypaper.com
PUBLISHER Paul F. Blake
803.446.3458 - paul@columbiacitypaper.com
BEST OF LETTERS TO THE READER/TALKBACK 3
NEWS THE U.N. GROWS A PAIR IN LEBANON 4 THE ANGRY WHALE Sean Rayford
A RICH LIBERTARIAN TRYS TO HIJACK THE S.C. GENERAL ELECTION 803.256.6670 - theangrywhale@yahoo.com
5
THE BIGGEST UNREPORTED STORY OF 2006 6 ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES
THE GOOD FIGHT THE GREEK WAY 7 Now Hiring At High Commission Rates!
HOLIDAY BLUES CITY PAPER PUBLISHER ATTEMPTS SUICIDE 8
‘06 BEST OF FAKE NEWS VERIZON REFUNDS LATE FEE CONTRIBUTORS
9 Andy Brack, Peterson Dias, Carl Eisenstadt, M. David
‘06 BEST OF MR. MEANER’S CRIME WATCH SIDELINED 11 Farrell, Will Moredock, Harry S. Iarch, Deric Kempsell,
STATE HOUSE REPORT SILLY SEASON UPON US

Arts.Entertainment.Etc
14 Ted Rall, Dan Savage, John Starino
PAGE 4 Advertisers in Columbia City Paper assume responsibility for the
entire content of the advertisements. The first copy of Columbia
City Paper is free. Additional copies are $1 each. Views expressed
do not necessarily represent the opinions of Columbia City Paper
‘06 BEST OF COOKING WITH ASS HEARTBREAKERS & THE PATIO 10 or its publisher. (C) Columbia City Paper, LLC
THE HANDWRITING DOCTOR THE DONALD VS. ROSEY 11 COLUMBIA CITY PAPER
‘06 BEST BUM THE WEEK WILLY: “DAT COOTER CAT” 12 701 Gervais Street, Suite 150-218
‘06 BEST OF LISSEY SCHROEDER RIDE THE COCK & MISSED CONNECTIONS 13 Columbia, SC 29201 803.446.3458
15
M yB a d eggnog
TODD SPOILS THE MOVIE APOCALYPTO & MOVIE TIMES
16 We had a little too much
SOUNDBOARD SENSES FAIL AT HEADLINERS MONDAY JAN. 15 and screwed up the
MUSIC & ENTERTAINMENT NOTES BRITNEY GETS WASTED 17 artwork credit for arguably the
‘06 THE ANGRY WHALE “WE’RE A DIDACTIC PREACHY BAND OF ASSHOLES” 19 coolest image of our previous
issue: a Christmas tree buying drugs from a penguin. Many
HOROSCOPES SANFORD’S FAVORITES OF 2006 20 apologies to the artist, John Van Vleet. John Van Vleet wasted
JONESIN’ CROSSWORDS RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE 20 three years at USC playing Wiffle ball on the Horseshoe instead
22 PAGE 5 of pursuing a degree in English. He eventually graduated from
RADIO FREE PHALLUS DUNDERHEADED FRAT BOYS Western Kentucky University, and is currently working in Seattle
SAVAGE LOVE SWAP CURIOUS 22 as the assistant editor for Fish & Fly Magazine. There is no valid-
23 Quote of the issue: “I strive to be the
SU | DO | KO & FREE CLASSIFIEDS FREE ADS AT POSTLOCAL.COM fattest person you’ve ever had sex with.”
ity to any rumors that he blackmailed his way into a job.
Comics: Boondocks (pgs7, 10) Rall (pg 4,6) Red Meat (pgs 3,10) Perry Bible (pg 9)

2 JANUARY 3, 2007
 2006 BEST OF
THE BEST TALKBACK!
There’ve been lots of letters we were never able
to print but our favorites are from two readers that sent
in feedback on a frequent basis. The Best of 2006
came from regular readers, bus riders, Andrew
Rusnak and the publisher’s mother. We only have
room for one so here’s our absolute favorite of 2006:
“Since I have now spent some time reading
other features, I would be remiss if I did not tell you
how disappointed I am with the overall tone of your
paper. It is not something that I would be proud to be
associated with. You are going overboard with your
portrayal of a sleazy character in the person of
Joseph Fotalatte. The disrespect which you show for
women and men is shocking. If that’s your idea of
humor, you have a long way to go. The letters to the
reader are obnoxious. The “Cooking with Ass” is a
disgrace. If you really believe in the dignity of every
human being, you certainly aren’t showing it in your
newspaper. Everyone must decide whether they are
going to be a force for good or evil in this world. What
are you doing to uplift the human spirit? No matter
how many papers you print, advertisers who pay, the
end does not justify the means. As publisher, you
have the opportunity to change the tone of your paper.
As it stands now, you are appealing to the least com-
mon denominator. You, as always, are in my thoughts
and prayers.”
Love, Mother
City Paper invites timely letters about subjects in our
publication. Correspondence must include a daytime
telephone number. Letters may be edited for length,
taste, and clarity. By mail: Letters to the Editor, Columbia
City Paper, 701 Gervais St. Suite 150-218, Columbia,
THE BEST LETTERS TO THE READER
Dear “Bum a Smoke?” Guy,
Hey, may I just siphon a gallon of gas? How about you
buy me a beer? Or give me a piggyback ride? Will you
get me half a sub sandwich and let me crash at your
house to do laundry? Better yet, why don’t you just buy
your own f—king pack?
Columbia City Paper
Dear Kids Who Pick This Up But Probably
Shouldn’t,
Just for you we thought we’d print Mary Kate and
Ashley Olsen’s phone numbers. Chances are they’ll
change their numbers before this goes to press, but it’s
worth a shot. Don’t tell them you got it here:
Mary-Kate Olsen – (310) 760-1999
Ashley Olsen – (310) 760-1996
Columbia City Paper
Dear Designer Sunglasses Dude,
Those glasses really do express to the world how cool
you are. Now, when it turns nighttime and you are
wearing them inside a crowded bar, that expression
quickly turns to “I am a massive tool.”
Columbia City Paper
Dear Dustin Diamond Sex Tape,
Et Tu, Screech? Must all of our childhood memories be
sullied? What would Mr. Belding say about you filming
yourself sodomizing two women, while screeching
obscenities in your trademark voice? What would Zach
and Slater think? Well, at least we all have one conso-
lation: thank Christ it wasn’t Paul from The Wonder
Years.

Reader
S.C. 29201; by e-mail:talkback@columbiacitypaper.com. Columbia City Paper

Letters to the
Dear Myspace profile without a shirt on, Dear nose picker in car,
You aren’t that buff man. Seriously. You want to There should be a federal law stating that
lose that potential financial advisor job because HR unless you are traveling on interstates all gold digging
googled your name and got turned off by your hairy in motor vehicles is restricted.It’s just too distracting.
nipples? There are kids on this thing. Or is that why Perhaps it should be up to each state to issue a per-
you are on myspace in the first place? mit for picking for commercial drivers and travelers
Columbia City Paper going more than 400 miles. (Safety first.) In general,
public nose picking should be a crime punishable by
Dear Neighborhood Pyromaniacs, fine under sanitation statutes. Or maybe even a
I love fireworks as much as the next guy, fellas. weekend in jail. That’s plenty of time to pick your nose
Really. But, you... You guys have been going strong and think about what you have done.
since December 29. I know, because it's the last night Columbia City Paper
my dog let me get any sleep. I think the poor wretch
has finally had a nervous breakdown. He lost ten Dear New Years resolution,
pounds and half the hair on his body. Maybe one of Wow, that didn’t take long. Within 48 hours,
your errant Roman candles singed it off? There are we’re back to eating fries, drinking beer, random
little pink bottle rocket sticks hanging in every tree, hook-ups, popping pills, forgetting Sally’s soccer
melted plastic bottles in the road. It's like a warzone! game, making purchases on a 28% interest Capital
Mother of Christ, we're all glad you're happy about One card, and watching the latest lame reality show.
the New Year, but PLEASE!! [gulp] ...Please. Just Well, there’s always 2008.
give me five hours tonight. Columbia City Paper
Columbia City Paper
Dear Joggers-in-Place, Dear little pink urinal disk,
This great country was founded on the unwaver- Bulls Eye! Taking a wee has never been so
ing grit and determination that you 55-year-old-men in much fun. I don't have to count tiles anymore and,
your hot shorts exude as you wince and check your hey, if it wasn't for you I might be tempted to compare
pulse rates at long traffic lights, refusing to even let salamis with the gibrone next to me. But what's with
the jeers and catcalls of construction workers break the splashguard? This thing is misting like holy water
your stride. In Shandon when a whole herd of you at Christmas Day mass. My khakis are spotted and
stop-n-jog it’s like being parked in front of some type this freaking McDonalds doesn't believe in paper tow-
of drive-thru aerobics class. Do you jog in place els. Do I climb onto the lavatory to squat in front of the
around the house in those fine, tight ass shorts while air dryer or return to my date with these spots? Christ!
heating up your evening hot pocket in front of the Why can't everything be as perfect as your sweet,
microwave? Fear not, joggers-in-place, Columbia sweet smelling round colorful chlorine disk? I just
City Paper and the American Medical Association are want to rub you on my face.
releasing this official report: if you stop moving your Columbia City Paper
legs, you’ll be able to start them up again.
Columbia City Paper talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

JANUARY 3, 2007 3
 THE U.N. FORCE
IN
LEBANON USED TO BE A
JOKE. NOW THEY’VE GOT
BIGGER GUNS AND, SOME
SAY, THE BALLS TO FIGHT.
BY DAVID AXE
At the bars and nightclubs in Beirut’s hip Gemaya
neighborhood, where young, educated Lebanese mix
with foreign journalists, aid managers and even the
occasional tourist, the United Nations Interim Force in
Lebanon is the punch-line to a running joke of 28
years.
The joke goes something like this: What do you
get when you dress cowardice and incompetence in
a baby blue beret?
UNIFIL was founded in 1978 in the wake of a
brief Israeli occupation of Lebanon. Its mandate: to
“confirm the withdrawal of Israeli forces from southern
Lebanon” and “restore international peace and secu-
rity.” But for most of its history it lacked the men,
weapons and – perhaps most importantly – the will to
carry out that mandate. UNIFIL cowered in its
bunkers when Israel overran southern Lebanon for
second time beginning in 1982 then a third time in the
summer of 2006.
"UNIFIL, I'm afraid, is a joke," echoed former
Israeli ambassador Itamar Rabinovich, talking to NPR
in July, at the height of the Israeli invasion.
That was then. This is now: in the wake of the
summer war, Lebanon has become a proxy battle-
ground for some of the world’s greatest powers.
Militant Islamists represented by Hezbollah and
apparently supported by terror states Iran and Syria
square off against the secular Lebanese government
and its U.S. and European allies, while Russia and
China play the middle and Israel waits in the wings
with its tank brigades and fighter squadrons primed.
A renewed and wordier U.N. mandate, issued on
August 11, called on a reinforced UNIFIL to keep the
peace amid all these potential combatants.
That meant some serious bulking up for the his-
torically anemic U.N. force. Since the summer war,
UNIFIL has added 8,000 soldiers and sailors to its
original contingent of 3,000 and has quietly integrat-
ed artillery, tanks and patrol boats to its main body of
medics and engineers, while also boosting daily
patrols from just a handful to around 200. The result,
in the final days of
2006, is a new
UNIFIL, one with
an apparent grow-
ing will to fight –
and the means to
do so.
At a hilltop
base near the city
of Tyre in southern
L e b a n o n ,
Lieutenant Colonel
Ciccarelli Giordano
commands an
Italian cavalry regi-
ment, part of a bat-
tlegroup compris-
ing more than 2,000 troopers equipped with hundreds
of wheeled and tracked armored vehicles. The troop-
ers patrol along the Mediterranean coast in the
wheeled vehicles armed with .50-caliber machine
guns; the tracked vehicles and a wheeled model
sporting a massive 105-millimeter cannon, remain in
reserve for … contingencies.
Until those contingencies become immediacies,
the battlegroup’s main activity is surveillance:
patrolling main roads around the clock, at night post-
ing observers with infrared sights, stationing snipers
on rooftops … With 11,000 troops -- and possibly
4 JANUARY 3, 2007
more on the way towards a goal of 15,000 -- UNIFIL
can keep eyes on all of southern Lebanon at all times.
“15,000 people is a bit different than 3,000,” Giordano
says. “Now, with the number we are, we can see
everything happening here. That is very important as
a deterrent. There is no space for other people to do Italian cavalry troopers on patrol near the town of Chamaa on Dec. 19, 2006
things.”
If and when he must fight, Giordano hopes to Lebanon. They remain, but take a back seat to the fact, pressing. In other words, France called Israel’s
have the Lebanese army at his side. Prior to the sum- heavier European forces. bluff. As a result, UNIFIL’s only aircraft are four old
mer war, the Lebanese armed forces had all but sur- The French units practically bristle with wheeled Italian Hueys that perform medical evacuation mis-
rendered the lower half of the country to Hezbollah. armored vehicles, 155-millimeter howitzers and even sions.
Following the ceasefire, around 10,000 Lebanese a squadron of Leclerc main battle tanks.
troops carefully moved south, filling the gap between The 56-ton Leclercs form the core of the Naqura- With a German-led patrol boat flotilla plying the
UNIFIL deployed along the Israeli border and the gov- based Quick Reaction Force that patrols a 200-kilo- Mediterranean and French and Italian ground forces
ernment-controlled north. These days the Lebanese meter route along the so-called Blue Line that divides patrolling every third street corner south of Tyre, the
army, lightly equipped with mostly with M-16 rifles and Lebanon and Israel. “This is a capability we need to air remains UNIFIL’s greatest weakness. UNIFIL and
a few armored personnel carriers sporting .50-caliber implement our mandate,” Salle says. the tiny Lebanese air force combined can muster just
machine guns, is in evidence at road checkpoints and But one French capability wasn’t mandated by a handful of ancient helicopters. There are no fight-
in urban areas. A few batteries of 105-millimeter how- the U.N. – and it’s one Salle is reluctant to talk about. ers, no surveillance drones and, aside from those
itzers point south from under roadside camouflage After repeated incursions over UNIFIL’s area by the “national” French assets, no major air defense sys-
netting. Israeli air force, the French army shipped air defense tems to deter what is, arguably and pound for pound,
It’s a humble beginning for an army still gaining weapons to its contingent. “They are national assets, the world’s most lethal air force, champing at its bit on
confidence after years of domination by foreign pow- not U.N. assets,” Salle says. “France has decided to the other side of the Blue Line.
ers, but it’s a beginning nonetheless. And as the protect its soldiers.” Salle shrugs. Lebanese air sovereignty, he says,
Lebanese armed forces strengthen, so will their part- During the public row over the Israeli incursions is a diplomatic problem. But if anyone dares bomb the
nership with UNIFIL, according to spokesman in December, French officials stated they were pre- French contingent, he stresses, they’re equipped to
Jerome Salle, a French lieutenant colonel. pared to deploy their own aircraft to Lebanon in the shoot back.
Already, Giordano’s troops have well-oiled proce- form of aerial drones. Israel had been justifying their Shooting back? A year ago, that would have been
dures for handing off tips to native forces. “We are flights as a vital intelligence-gathering activity on terribly out of character for an army wearing the
tuning these activities,” Giordano says. “And in the behalf of the international community; France said it U.N.’s blue beret.
very near future, we will work together, train together would fly their drones in the same role so that Israel Maybe not any more.
in order to know each other, to be ready for all prob- wouldn’t have to bother. The drone deployment never
lems.” happened, Salle explains, because the need is not, in talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
Those problems might include a Hezbollah-led
uprising or a second round of Israeli incursions – both
seemingly daunting prospects for the traditionally-
meek U.N.
But Giordano reminds that, before deploying to
TED RALL CARTOON
Lebanon in September, his people did a stint in cen-
tral Iraq. If they could handle insurgents and IEDs,
they can handle the threats here in southern
Lebanon. “This is, I
can say, an easier
mission.”
The newly-
arrived French forces,
for their part, talk
even tougher than the
Italians. Salle,
sprawled in his dusty
office at the U.N.
headquarters in the
shambling town of
Naqura, opens an
interview with an
unprompted defense
of UNIFIL’s rele-
vance. “People say
we do nothing, but what happens if we’re not here?”
That Lebanon is at peace – today – means the new
French-dominated UNIFIL is successful at deterring
conflict, he claims.
He adds that the international force in southern
Lebanon these days has more of an (aggressive)
NATO character than a (passive) U.N. one, consider-
ing the growing importance of the new French and
Italian contingents and the relatively diminished
importance of long-time members such as India.
Sensing this shift, in the fall the Indian government
mulled removing its lightly armed troops from
The N.Y. Libertarian that tried
to hijack S.C. General Election.

New York City Libertarian Howard Rich plowed hundreds financed by Rich is South Carolina Club For Growth. We’ll mouthpiece, Joshua Gross, as Cotty also said the picture that
of thousands of dollars into campaigns into the Nov.7, get into that one later. the gatekeeper of political news unregulated groups funded by people
2006 elections, urging those he supported to in turn sup- PSSSST…follow the money. and ideas in [South Carolina].” like Howard Rich paint is that South
port his personal agendas. Though SCRG has repeatedly refused to say Interestingly enough, while Carolina may have the potential to be
whether or not they are financed by Howard Rich, the both SCRG and the S.C. Club For “for sale.” Cotty’s wife, he said, had just
What is the definition of a Yankee? dots can be connected the old fashioned Bob Growth are backed by an out-of- undergone two knee surgeries. When
It’s a quickie you do by yourself. Or so goes the old Woodward/Carl Bernstein way. But deep-throated parking state Libertarian and tend to push he asked her if it was painful she said
joke— but many S.C. voters wouldn’t be laughing if they garage freaks need not apply; a simple “follow the his agendas, both groups paid for “Yes, but not as painful as the election
knew who the man paving the yellow brick road with gold money”— or in this case “follow the chummies”— will do. a negative TV spot to run in we just went through.” What Cotty
was for the Republican candidates of the 2006 S.C. In November, Sanford’s 2006 re-election campaign November that accused The wants to know about the elected offi-
General Election. But this isn’t Oz— it’s South Carolina. manager, Jason Miller, told The State that he had not State newspaper of being an out- cials who all took Rich’s money: “Is that
And though the man behind the curtain was indeed a seen Rich in years and could not say when he last spoke of-state-owned company that going to influence their vote on an issue
squirrelly bald man, he had a real name and a real pro- with the man. For two years in the late ‘90s Miller worked pushed that company’s down the road?”
fession outside of the money-green tinted glasses worn for a group called U.S. Term Limits. Howard Rich is the (McClatchy’s) “liberal” agenda. The ad was so off the wall So now we wait and see
by this year’s Republican campaign consultants of president of U.S. Term Limits and their goal is to cap the that WIS-TV General Manager Mel Stibbens reportedly Every politician whose campaign Rich and his shell
Emerald City. His name is Howard Rich and he is a times a House member can run for re-election. While he refused even to let it air on his station. groups contributed loads of cash to except for one came
Libertarian real estate investor from Manhattan who was a member of the S.C. House, Gov. Mark Sanford Could all this be just political paranoia by Web log out victorious on Nov. 7. Mark Sanford, Andre Bauer
some believe is single-handedly hijacking the SCGOP also worked with U.S. Term Limits and, last year, during junkies, or could Howard Rich really be a nefarious pup- (though a very close race), Richard Eckstrom and
and turning the Palmetto State into his own personal an Oct. 30 ETV gubernatorial debate, Sanford called pet master with dollar sign eyes and the state of South Thomas Ravanel all pulled wins. The only anomaly was
guinea pig lab. Howard Rich a “good friend.” Carolina in his direct line of vision? Republican Candidate for Superintendent of Education
Sitting high in his Manhattan apartment though, The governor was such a good friend of Rich’s that During his campaign for governor, 2006 Karen Floyd who some believe Rich may have had the
Howard Rich is not a household name in the state where he reportedly received around $50,000 in campaign con- Democratic Nominee Tommy Moore published Howard most personal vested interest in. Rich’s view on public
friendliness flows and if there’s anyone Rich wants to tributions for re-election from Rich’s shell groups alone— Rich/Gov. Sanford/Karen Iocavelli/Josh Gross connec- education— specifically, keeping the government entirely
keep his name clear from the mind of besides the aver- over 10 times the legal limit. Those of course are the only tions on his campaign Web site calling it the “Endless out of it—is one he seems to hold most dear to his heart
age voter or local reporter in South Carolina it appears to groups so far found to be related to the New York Circle” and he repeatedly pressed Sanford about the gov- and the hearts of many of the PACs and “[insert state
be the State Ethics Commission. financer. (In 1997, S.C. Republican Bob Inglis disagreed ernor’s ties to Rich in televised pre-election gubernatorial name here] Club For Growth” and “[insert state name] For
According to state law, a single person or company with U.S. Term Limits and was told, “If you get in our way, debates in October. But aside from a few Web sites and Responsible Government” groups he pumps money into
is only allowed to donate a maximum of $3,500 to a polit- we will mow you down,” according to CNN’s All Politics. scattered opinion columns aimed with laser focus at polit- to keep from financial cardiac arrest. And while Floyd’s
ical candidate during an election cycle. So how does a Inglis did not necessarily disagree with term limits, he ical insiders, Howard Rich still remains under the radar of campaign may have needed a few Rich-induced mone-
person donate up to $73,000 to just one candidate like said, — only the number of terms.) South Carolina’s voting public. tary defribulations, it ended up dying on the operating
Rich did for Gov. Mark Sanford alone? Meanwhile, while Time magazine was calling For his part, and understandably so, Rich seems to table. (Although it may have actually been the closest
One way, says S.C. political commentator and blog- Sanford the worst governor in the country, a group called stay as far out of the press as he can. And while even the statewide race in S.C. history.)
ger Ross Shealy, is to set up a number of different “shell The Cato Institute listed him as one of their highest-scor- Wall Street Journal could not get a direct comment from While in New York last week, City Paper contacted
groups” in order to bypass the law. ing governors. Howard Rich is on The Cato Institute’s him about his interest in financing local campaigns across Howard Rich who said he would “gladly answer ques-
“Rich makes the maximum legal contribution of board of directors. Reporter John Stossel once broadcast the country, the High Country News did quote him once tions.” When asked to comment on his contributions to
$3,500 to a candidate under the name of Bradford a story on ABC’s 20/20 called “Stupid in America” in which saying “I made a few bucks in business, so I am able to S.C. statewide campaigns and members of the legisla-
Management. Then he makes another contribution to the Sanford bashed the current running of the S.C. public do this stuff.” ture or if he bankrolled the negative mail pieces for Rep.
same candidate as Spinksville LLC. And then he makes school system on national television. Stossel also has Making his money in real estate in the ‘60s, Rich, Cotty, Rich did not respond. He also refused to dispel
another as Ashborough Investors and another as 405 49 ties to the institute (he has written for The Cato Institute now 66, became active in the Libertarian party in the early allegations that he pays Joshua Gross’s salary and would
Associates— you get the idea,” he says. “And there are and delivered the keynote address at their 25th anniver- ‘80s but has reportedly since left the party and is now a not comment on the use of shell groups to skirt campaign
more: Spooner LLC. Bayrich LLC, Dayrich LLC, 538-14 sary dinner). Republican. Though he left the party, Rich and his wife finance laws.
Realty LLC, West 14 & 18 LLC, 123 LaSalle Associates, The program 20/20 is on ABC and ABC is owned by Andrea took over the Libertarian Review Foundation, While Rep. Cotty says he believes the shell groups
just to name a few. Some of these shell companies list the Walt Disney Company. A man named George Mitchell renaming it The Center for Independent Thought and are “so unaccountable and irresponsible” that they need
Howard Rich’s Big Apple apartment as their primary is the Chairman of the Board of Directors for the Walt have also helped fund the Libertarian magazine Reason, to be regulated, others say those who take Rich’s money
address. Others purport to be located at an alternate Disney Company and Mitchell is also a member of the according to the Public Broadcast System. Since then he should just come clean and admit it so they can be held
address but have a “principal” address at his New York Leadership Council of a group called the National Club has immersed himself in the workings of politics, getting accountable for their votes down the line and how that
residence.” For Growth (so is Howard Rich). An offshoot of that group himself involved in races from Oregon to Nevada, Arizona money may or may not affect it. Similarly, Shealy believes
It was Rich’s use of the different shell groups, or his is the political action committee, South Carolina Club For to South Carolina. Last year alone, Rich spent a reported that if you were to cross-reference Rich’s LLC groups and
playing of “the shell game,” in order to bypass the state Growth. A woman named Karen Iocavelli is on the board $7.3 million on initiative campaigns and bankrolling his friend’s contributions to members of the legislature in
campaign contribution limit laws that prompted The State of directors for the S.C. Club For Growth. Who did Gov. groups with native-sounding names like “Oklahomans For South Carolina against their individual votes on Put
newspaper to publish a Dec. 8 editorial urging the State Sanford appoint to the state’s Education Oversight Good Government,” “Missourians In Charge,” and Parents In Charge, for instance, they would presumably
Ethics Commission to enforce the state’s campaign dis- Commission? Former member of United New Yorkers for “Montanans in Action.” all be “yes.”
closure law after U.S. District Judge Mathew Perry dis- Choice in Education… Karen Iocavelli. (Iocavelli also per- So can someone actually buy an election? City Paper plans to keep an eye on those elected
missed a lawsuit filed by South Carolinians For sonally contributed $2,500 to Republican Candidate for That’s exactly what Rep. Bill Cotty (R-Richland) officials with ties to Howard Rich and their voting record
Responsible Government (SCRG) against the SEC. Why Superintendent of Education Karen Floyd’s campaign.) wanted to know when he found out Howard Rich was the down the line.
did they file a suit? Because the SEC simply asked SCRG Meanwhile, a man named Joshua Gross, who one paying for negative direct mail pieces painting Cotty In the words of Thomas Jefferson: “I sincerely
to file a report detailing its spending for political ads that moved here from California last year, happens to be the in poor light to members of his own constituency. believe ... that banking establishments are more danger-
ran in the June primaries. After SCRG filed the suite, the executive director of the S.C. Club For Growth and Speaking about it recently to City Paper, Cotty recalled ous than standing armies, and that the principle of spend-
SEC stonewalled and seemed to drop their inquiries into Gross’s Web log, The Body Politic the ordeal as the “election from hell.” ing money to be paid by posterity under the name of fund-
the entire matter. SCRG is a group financed by Howard (www.schotline.blogspot.com), is the opinion voice of one “They [the negative direct mail literature] weren’t ing is but swindling futurity on a large scale.”
Rich— who often sets up and bankrolls groups with of South Carolina’s most popular statewide political news coming out every week, it was every day,” he said about Ross Shealy contributed content to this article
“down home state-sounding” names as a way to play gathering Web sites, Schotline.com. In effect, one blog- the Rich-funded efforts to unseat him, also calling many
puppeteer without having to get his own hands tangled in ger complained in an open letter to the SCGOP in of the claims out-right lies. “[Rich] spent a quarter of a mil- talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
the strings. Another one in South Carolina reportedly November, “Mr. Rich has successfully positioned his S.C. lion dollars on my election alone.” JANUARY 3, 2007 5
Ted Rall
The biggest (unreported) story of 2006
O UR N EXT B IG M ESS :
TURKMENBASHI'S DEATH COULD
LEAD TO ANOTHER WAR
Chances are that you heard more
about Rosie O'Donnell's flame war with
Donald Trump than the passing of
Sapamurat "Turkmenbashi" Niyazov. As
seems to occur with increasing frequency,
America's media ignored the most impor-
tant story of the year.
A handful of news outlets that both-
ered to cover the 66-year-old dictator's death wal-
lowed in the humor inherent in the extravagant per-
sonality cult he built up after Turkmenistan gained
independence from the Soviet Union in 1991. Cannier
obituary writers noted that the Central Asian nation
"contains many of the world's largest natural gas
fields, and provides gas to Russian and European
countries." (Actually, the largest. Period.) But they
missed the main point of the story, one with dramatic
short-term consequences for Central Asia and breath-
taking dangers to the United States during the first half
of the new century.
The Central Asian republics of Kazakhstan,
Uzbekistan, Tajikistan and--until now--Turkmenistan
are all being ruled by the same former Communist
Party bosses who ran them in Soviet times. Niyazov's
death marks the beginning of the end for the post-
Soviet authoritarian order and the beginning of a peri-
od of increasing instability, as foreign powers attempt
to monopolize access to oil and natural gas resources
and pipeline routes. Kazakhstan alone may possess
more untapped oil reserves than Saudi Arabia and
Iraq combined, and the politics and economies of the
Central Asian republics are closely intertwined. What
is at stake is nothing less than the security and control
of the world economy.
Unless you were one of the five million desper-
ately poor Turkmen forced to watch while your desert
nation's gas wealth was systemically looted and
squandered on such vanity projects as the gilt statue
of Turkmenbashi that dominates the skyline of
Ashkhabat and turns to face the sun (local wags say
the sun turns to face it), it was easy to laugh at the
ubiquitous trappings of unhinged egotism.
Turkmenbashi's moon-eyed mug glared from banners
hung from the façade of every government ministry
and school, appeared on every denomination of cur-
rency, even on his own brands of vodka and cologne.
Everything was named after him: the country's sec-
ond-largest city, its airports, a large meteorite, the
month of January. His not-so-little green book of apho-
risms ("Time is a mace. Hit or be hit!"), the Rukhnama,
became required reading for schoolchildren and
motorists who sought to renew their driver's licenses.
Saddam Hussein's reputation for self-indulgence
had nothing on Turkmenbashi. Niyazov's megaloma-
nia ranged from the grandiose--at the time of his death
he had just completed the world's largest mosque
(featuring quotes from the Rukhnama, naturally) and
had ordered the construction of a man-made lake in
the middle of the Karakum desert--to obsessive micro-
management. Each Turkmen student's college appli-
cation was personally considered by the great man.
Even his commonsense dictates came with a
bizarre twist. During the 1990s Turkmenbashi ordered
that natural gas, as a national patrimony, be supplied
to Turkmen homes for free. Since most people were
too poor to afford matches, however, it became com-
mon practice to leave their stoves on 24-7. Where for-
eigners saw hilarity, Turkmen seethed with resent-
ment; Ashkhabati motorists saved their household
garbage so they could chuck it on the lawn of one of
Niyazov's pink pleasure palaces.
A power struggle is underway. Within hours of
Turkmenbashi's fatal heart attack his Constitutionally-
6 JANUARY 3, 2007
editorial
PULITZER PRIZE FINALIST
mandated successor, Majlis (lower house
of parliament) chairman Ovezgeldy Atayev
found himself behind bars, arrested for an
unspecified "criminal investigation." An
obscure deputy prime minister and former
dentist, Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov,
declared himself acting president and has
arranged to have the Constitution retrofit to
validate his rule.
"Many Western analysts," reported
The New York Times, "said the country was
unlikely to change and that authoritarian
rule would continue under any of Mr. Niyazov's suc-
cessors." But Turkmen exiles who lead opposition par-
ties are itching to fill the vacuum, if not of power, of
charisma, left by Niyazov's demise. Leaders of the
nation's five biggest tribes are jockeying for advan-
tage. And five million Turkmen who can't afford match-
es want a piece of the action--and want to get even
with the government thugs who shut down the coun-
try's hospitals and medical clinics.
Berdymukhammedov's regime may keep the lid
on the pressure cooker of Turkmen politics for a short
time, but it isn't hard to imagine a country of former
(and present) nomads disintegrating into the chaos of
warlordism as a result of the venting of long-sup-
pressed ethnic and political rivalries. A Turkmen civil
war would quickly turn regional. Iran and Afghanistan,
which share Turkmenistan's southern border, would
side with any faction that could guarantee continued
trade, but any instability would affect the refining of
crude from Kazakhstan, a major world supplier. It
would probably end construction of the post-9/11
Trans-Afghanistan Pipeline being built to carry Kazakh
oil and Turkmen gas between Turkmenistan and a
Pakistani port on the Indian Ocean.
Everyone is betting that Turkmenbashi's foreign
policy of "positive neutrality" won't last long. Russia
has already indicated its intent to reassert itself in
Turkmenistan. Here's where we come in: no American
president, Democrat or Republican, will allow Russia
to gain control over the world's largest energy
reserves without a fight. Moreover, neither Russia nor
the U.S. will watch idly as Central Asia implodes and
takes the world economy along for the ride. U.S.
troops, currently based in Uzbekistan, could be sent in
to restore order and keep the Russians out.
Signaling renewed high-level interest in
Turkmenistan, U.S. Assistant Secretary of State
Richard Boucher and Russian Prime Minister Mikhail
Fradkov both attended Turkmenbashi's funeral on
Christmas Eve.
Uzbekistan's universally reviled despot Islam
Karimov, who got away with the 2005 massacre of at
least 700 civilians at Andijon because of his country's
energy reserves, will almost certainly be an early
casualty of civil strife in Central Asia. A witch's brew of
Stalin-era ethnic gerrymandering and brutal suppres-
sion of a nascent Islamist insurgency, mixed with the
collapse of Karimov's Uzbek police state, could easily
take Kyrgyzstan and Tajikistan--poor countries barely
recovering from civil conflict and dependant on the
urban-based Uzbek economy--with them. Even
Kazakhstan, the most stable of a fragile lot, is suscep-
tible to an uprising; few Kazakhs have shared in the
nation's oil boom.
Whether or not Turkmenbashi's death directly
affects its neighbors, it's a reminder that Central Asia's
autocrats aren't getting younger. Laugh about the
Leader of All Turkmen's excesses now. The storm is
coming.
(Ted Rall is the author of the new book "Silk
Road to Ruin: Is Central Asia the New Middle East?,"
an in-depth prose and graphic novel analysis of
America's next big foreign policy challenge.)
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
the Good Fight
THE GREEK WAY: DOES THIS CULTURE REALLY BELONG ON A MODERN CAMPUS?
When I went off to the University of Georgia of rape myth belief."
as a dewy-eyed freshman in 1968, I assumed I A sign of progress among frats is that an
would join a fraternity. Everybody else increasing number of them now have
did. UGA was the biggest fraternity some kind of educational or "aware-
school in the country and it was under- ness-raising" programs concerning
stood that you had to be a frat if you women and sexual violence. But this
wanted to be somebody. By the end of just begs the question: Are there any
my first semester, I had seen enough to other social or fraternal organizations
know I would never go Greek. which feel the need to pay outsiders to
Two events have brought these remind them not to rape women?
memories back to me in recent weeks. Hand-in-hand with sexual violence
The first was my 18-year-old niece, who is the issue of alcohol abuse. The over-
recently left her small town and shel- whelming majority of sexual assaults on
tered home to go to a large Southern campus involve use of alcohol by the
university, where she was drawn to the victim, the attacker or both.
Greek scene like a moth to the flame. B Y WILL MOREDOCK
Furthermore, every year at least one
Founder of Columbia’s
(She was actually able to go out for former Point newsweekly undergraduate in America manages
rush the same week she hit campus! In to kill himself through alcohol poison-
my youth, we had to wait a semester to rush.) ing. Many others are hospitalized.
The second event was viewing the movie In 1993, Henry Wechsler of Harvard School of
Borat, with its drunk frat boys from the University of Public Health conducted his famous College
South Carolina, proudly mouthing their racist and Alcohol Study. Wechsler estimated that 44 percent
sexist bullshit. of college students are binge drinkers — defined as
It seems that almost any time bad news the consumption of five or more (four for women)
comes from an American college campus — vio- drinks in one sitting.
lence, vandalism, alcohol abuse, racist or sexist Wechsler's data were especially damning for
behavior — it involves Greeks. Already in this aca- Greeks. He estimated that four of five fraternity
demic year, Greeks from Clemson University have members are binge drinkers. Moreover, he found
been charged with vandalism and a pledge was so that both fraternity and sorority members are more
badly beaten in a hazing incident at USC that he likely to suffer the extreme consequences of seri-
had to be hospitalized. ous drinking. Dozens of reports since Wechsler's
Here's a little exercise. Go to Google and type have repeated these and similar findings, blaming
in "college fraternity crime." You will get 867,000 the fraternity culture itself as the breeding ground
hits. Change "crime" to "alcohol abuse": 469,000 of binge drinking.
hits. Try "discipline": 543,000 hits. "Anti-intellectu- Add to this the general atmosphere of anti-
al": 12,400 hits. And, of course, "rape": 458,000 intellectualism which imbues the Greek system and
hits. you have a perennial problem that seems to under-
Sexual assault is an epidemic on American mine the very foundation of higher education.
college campuses and the Greek culture is at the In curtailing their fraternities, in 1992, the
center of it. board of trustees and administration of Dartmouth
According to a 1998 study in the Journal of College, declared fraternities to be "antithetical to
College Student Development, "One population the mission of the college." Middlebury College
that has received attention in the research litera- closed its fraternities, citing the report from its Task
ture on sexual violence is college fraternity men. Force on Social Life: "As society has changed fra-
Qualitative assessments of fraternities suggest that ternities have not, and therefore, have become an
some fraternity members reinforce attitudes among anachronism." Colby College also abolished frater-
themselves that help perpetuate sexual coercion nities, citing a variety of reasons: fraternities were
against women...." "anti-intellectual," encouraged narrow social and
The article cited another study which "found academic experiences for their members, had
that fraternity members committed 55 percent of restrictive membership policies, practiced hazing,
the gang rapes reported between 1980 and 1990 discriminated on the basis of sex, and were ham-
on college campuses. Fraternity members have pering the recruiting efforts of the admissions
also been shown to have more traditional attitudes office.
toward women and to believe more strongly in rape Based on Borat and what I have seen on cam-
myths when compared to men who live in coeduca- puses in recent years, little has changed since my
tional housing.... undergraduate days. People will continue to be
"Others have shown that men who are in fra- hurt and have their educations disrupted by these
ternities are more sexually coercive than other antisocial, anachronistic organizations. I hope my
men.... [Researchers] suggest that a combination niece is not one of them.
of more traditional sex roles and the fraternal
socialization process contribute to this higher level talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

The Boondocks AARON MCGRUDER

JANUARY 3, 2007 7
HOLIDAY BLUES
BY PAUL BLAKE
The pressure of the holidays has lead to fights
with good friends and quite frankly next year I hope we
skip straight to February after October rolls around.
Instead of sugarplums, thoughts of suicide danced in
my head this Yuletide.
On Christmas Day I was so depressed I tried
killing myself by wetting my ear and sticking it in an
electric socket. All it ended up doing was causing the
lights to go out. Then I was depressed in the dark.
I was determined, so I decided to use the old-
fashioned rope and chair method. Like a novice
bungee jumper I miscalculated the length and wound
up falling on my face. I wet myself anyway so the effort
wouldn’t be a total loss.
Finally I did what you are never supposed to do: I
stuck a metal knife into an electric toaster. Well, that
didn’t work either. I just ended up finding an old piece
of toast inside, so I made a sandwich. It wasn’t very
good.
I figured I should probably consult a professional,
so I called the suicide hotline. After telling the woman
what I had attempted to do, she broke down hysterical-
ly. She said it was her first day on the job and she had
lost most of her callers. I tried to comfort her.
“It’s your first day. Of course you are going to
make a couple of mistakes.”
She cried back, “One caller had the wrong num-
ber and wanted to order a mattress and the next thing
I knew he was in the bathtub with a hairdryer.”
After talking the operator out of strangling herself
with the telephone cord, I thought about the selfish act
I almost committed. I started to feel better and couldn’t
tell if it was because I called the hotline or that my
sandwich started to digest. My advice for someone
considering suicide is to eat something, you’ll feel
much better. However don’t get the McRib and fries;
that shit will be sure to kill you, slowly and painfully.
You might also feel better about yourself if you make
some positive changes in your life, such as giving up
foreign substances.
Some signs to look for if you think someone you
care about is in danger of killing himself or herself.
•Puts deodorant on forehead instead of armpits
•Watches Big Foot and Wildboy marathon naked
•Gives you new stereo and car. Be wary: planning
has begun (or it’s stolen)
•Spends an inordinate amount of time on
columbiaredhot message boards
•Drinks themselves to oblivion, almost to the point
of killing themselves by choking on own vomit
•Sings and dances while performing solemn tasks
like sterilizing Jesus figurines
•Chokes on other people’s vomit
8 JANUARY 3, 2007
PHOTOGRAPH BY PETERSON DIAS
•Preoccupied with death, wears black and hangs
out at The Whig
There are tons of signs like these and they all
indicate a person reaching out for help. You don’t have
to be an expert; just listening and showing someone
you care can help. In fact, according to the online sui-
cide prevention site, save.org, people who are “sud-
denly happier, calmer” who are “visiting or calling on
people [they] care about” or who are “giving things
away” are high risks for suicide. Thus, the Christmas
spirit of happiness, giving, and fellowship could actual-
ly be calls for help from friends and relatives. So, next
time Grandpa gives you a Christmas gift, lay it aside,
call an ambulance, have him physically restrained by
EMTs, and sign him into a maximum-security mental
facility under suicide watch.
Now, if someone you don’t care for is calling out
for help, all you can do is hope he or she carries
through with it, as is the case with a friend of mine and
his clingy ex.
“Man,” he said wearily, bags showing under his
exhausted eyes, “she still calls at all hours of the day
and night. I mean, we broke up like four years ago.”
He drained his coffee, balled up the paper cup in
his hand and tossed it aside. His eyes seemed to glaze
at some distant memory.
“She wanted to borrow my handgun the first time.
The reason I didn’t let her borrow it was because of all
the paperwork that would have followed.”
I tried to cheer him up and told him to look on the
bright side: he had saved a precious human life.
“Yeah, great,” he said. His phone began to ring in
the background. “That’s her.”
He walked to the phone, but paused before pick-
ing up the receiver.
“My one regret in life,” he said over his shoulder,
“is that I talked her out of killing herself.”
His shoulders slumped when he put the receiver
to his ear.
After talking with my friend, I felt a little better
about my own life. Which could be the moral to this
piece: When you feel down about yourself, just hang
out with someone who is worse off.
So, next time anyone gets the holiday blues, just
come hang out with me for a day. Even your life will
look better by comparison.
The suicide hotline for those who need real help
is 800-563-5393 and you can check out the real signs
@ save.org
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
 2006 BEST OF FAKE NEWS
GEORGE BUSH’S USC AIKEN MBA STUDENT S TUNS
APPROVAL RATING B USINESSES W ORLD: GETS V ERIZON
DROPS BELOW HIS I.Q. TO R EFUND B OGUS L ATE F EE
President George W. Bush's job approval rat-
ing has fallen below his I.Q. for the first time in his
presidency, according to the latest opinion polls.
Most analysts blame the drop in numbers on
recent criticisms of the president by Oprah
Winfrey, along with continued commentary from
noted Hollywood intellectuals such as Charlie
Sheen and Susan Sarandon.
Forty-nine percent of the poll's respondents
felt that they themselves were smarter than the
president. Fifty-five percent said they were
brighter than Oprah Winfrey, and a whopping 92
percent say they're smarter that Charlie Sheen.
Republican pollsters blame the dip on recent nat-
ural disasters and the resulting rise in gas prices.
“With the economy roaring and the president's
supply side tax cuts clearly working, Americans
have grown accustomed to a certain way of life.
This leaves Americans with lots of time on their
hands to feed off the liberal media, and question
the president's policies,” said Harvey Williams of
FOX News.
Tammy Pon, president of leading Republican
think tank, Always Right, says, “Freedom to criti-
cize the president is one of the great things about
this country. Just as long as it doesn't happen in
an election year.”
Collin Clemmings , a GOP pollster points out,
“Shifts in approval ratings are common in the
second leg of a two-term presidency. In 1998,
when the Starr report came out, Clinton 's
approval rating fell below the number of women
he'd slept with.”
Democrat pollsters see it differently. David
Cobb, of The Nation said, “Clearly Americans
see Bush as a total liar. He lied about the war, he
lied about oil, about his vacation...Liar liar pants
on fire!”
A congresswoman from California adds, “It's
been a while since the last time we had impeach-
ment proceedings. I'm sure that the American
public remembers how productive that was, and
is anxious for more.”
Max E. Pad, president of the Noam Chomsky
fanclub stated, “The latest poll numbers reflect
the fact that the public has been carefully study-
ing the great essays of Noam Chomsky, and lis-
tening to tapes of his lectures. This is a rejection
of years of brainwashing by the capitalist estab-
lishment. Finally the spell of imperialist propa-
ganda has been broken.”
PERRY BIBLE FELLOWSHIP
As part of his master’s thesis, a grad stu-
dent did the impossible: He persuaded
Verizon to give him a refund for a bogus
late fee
Experts were confounded last
week when the School of Business
Administration at the University Of South
Carolina Aiken announced that graduate
student phenom Cashin Carrion has
successfully obtained a refund from
Verizon Communications as part of his
masters thesis.
“I’m flabber-
gasted!” said
Professor Hardass
of the Aiken
school. “Refunds
from cell phone
conglomerates are
obviously unheard
of, but that he did it through their cus-
tomer service department is astounding.”
Mathematics professor Livina
Chatrume concurs. Using computer sim-
ulations, she estimates the odds of a
customer service rep at a cell phone
provider issuing a refund to be 1/(p-x)a .
When pressed to explain what p, a, and
x represent in the equation, Livina mum-
bled, broke eye contact and became
engrossed in an online message board
conversation.
It began almost a year ago when
Carrion canceled his service by phone
while living in Atlanta. He paid his final
bill during the same call. “That bill had all
the usual fees and overcharges” says
Carrion, “but I had been a loyal customer
for several years so I was used to that.”
Somehow, news of the cancellation
never made it to Verizon’s Fee
Generation Department, which issued a
$35 fee on Carrion’s closed account last
June. Carrion discovered the fee in the
fall when a credit check revealed Verizon
had issued a judgment on his account,
destroying his credit. Generated fees
and abominable customer service are
the cornerstones of the wireless industry.
The fees are mathematically formulated
to be just small enough that the average
American would make more money per
hour by collecting deposit bottles or wait-
ing tables at a corporate-owned restau-
rant than they would disputing over-
charges with customer service.
In September, Carrion approached
Professor Hardass with his concept. “He
wanted to navigate the labyrinth of their
voice response system, and eventually
try reasoning with a live person,” says
Hardass. “I tried to encourage him to
choose a more realistic goal for his the-
sis, like creating an algebraic formula for
calculating the complete series of prime
numbers.” But Carrion was steadfast.
Cashin’s roommate, Marty
Moocher, says: “Cashin was up at it day
after day talking to voice-response sys-
tems and
punching in his
account num-
ber. On days
that he got a live
person, they’d
make him
repeat his story
from the begin-
ning. The best was when Cashin would
lose it and curse out some poor, under-
paid, bumbling service rep until they
were on the brink of tears.”
“I tried to keep the abusive
approach to a minimum, but at times it
does help to get a supervisor on the
phone.” Carrion adds. “It’s an advanced
technique. You have to switch out of psy-
cho mode quickly or the supervisor will
work against you. So you watch what
you say. Besides, you never know when
President Bush is listening in.”
After months of airing his gripe,
Supervisor Ivana Pummelim finally
cracked and issued a refund to Carrion’s
credit card.
“It’s ironic that Pummelim is the one
that finally caved.” says Nekus Aiken of
the Aiken School. “Verizon specifically
sought her out for that role because of
her aggressive approach to customer
service.” Pummelim first gained notoriety
as a bank manager in New York. When
customers would ask her to check their
balance, she would reach over and push
them.
The Stock Market reacted nega-
tively to the news last week, as investors
feared copycats would go home and
begin questioning random charges on
their cell phone bills. City Paper was able
to reach only one Verizon representative
for comment, who stated repeatedly: “I’m
sorry, I didn’t understand you.”
BY NICK GUREWITCH
DECEMBER 6, 2006 9
2006 Best Of Cookin’ With Ass
Heartbreakers
OPEN UP (...FOR LUNCH)
When I first arrived at Heartbreakers I was greet-
ed pleasantly by a scantily clad hostess. But this was-
n’t just any restaurant. She smiled and asked me for
three dollars.
I had never been asked to pay a hostess to seat
me before, but I was intrigued by the overall atmos-
phere and figured I should see the dining area before
making any judgments.
The inside dining area was extremely dark and we
almost had to feel around for the tables. After finding
our seats we were immediately greeted by our wait-
ress, Chipper.
We used the candles on our table to read the
menus and were pleasantly surprised at the variety of
choices. I had expected goofy menu items such as
“Bearded Clams” or “Tuna Tacos” but Heartbreakers is
way too classy for a cheap gimmick like that. Selecting
menu items like Snapping Gyro, or Coochie Casserole
might be good for a few laughs, but to keep that joke
up would be downright tacky.
Fresh salads are available at Heartbreakers
including a Seafood Salad and a Grilled Chicken
Caesar. The prices are much more reasonable than
we ever expected— from $5.50 to $8.50. And we
can’t say enough about their reticence when it comes
to juvenile humor. They could have easily given in
and called it “Summer’s Eve Seafood Salad” or
“Augmented Chicken Breast”, but as we said: way too
classy.
We were even more impressed by the fancy
entrees which included a Shrimp Picatta Dinner at a
reasonable $11.00 and I was just wishing it was happy
h o u r
as they had fresh Shrimp Cocktail on special for only
$5.50 for a dozen. It was still available at lunch at a
reasonable price but we chose to go with the standard
lunch sandwiches.
Heartbreakers had a variety of choices, from buf-
falo chicken sandwiches, clubs or even a Philly
cheesecake all between 5 and 8 bucks. Avoiding
gaudy names on the menu was clearly the right call
here. “Roast Beef Curtain” or the “Finger Lickin
Chicken” might have been fun menu names at first,
but such immature antics would certainly get tired.
Chipper brought over our selections quickly and
we were very impressed at how large they were. The
sandwiches were pretty generous in portion as well.
The club was the best tasting club I’ve had in South
Carolina; we’re talking about the sandwich of course.
This place should be a deli not a strip club. I
could only finish half of mine and the waitress looked
like I was crazy in asking for a to-go box. Meanwhile,
my lunch partner had disappeared to the back room
for a few songs and left me at the table to twiddle my…
thumbs.
Chipper: “Do you want another Miller Light?”
City Paper: “Sure. Hey, the food was really
good. I especially enjoyed the Clamburger.”
Chipper: “The Hamburger?”
City Paper: “Uh, yeah. Do you guys have a profes-
sional chef?”
Chipper: “Yeah, Kevin. ... Do you want to join
the VIP club? It’s really discreet and you don’t have
to worry about a wife or girlfriend finding out, as it is
professionally run by Carolina Promotions.”
City Paper: “Sure, as long as the girl I’m dating,
Cami, won’t find out.”
Chipper: “Here’s a pen. Why haven’t you gotten
any dances?”
City Paper: “I’m not on the market for one right
now.”
Chipper: “Can I interest you in dessert?”
City Paper: “The ice cream looks good? What
flavors do you have?”
Chipper: “We have Kit-Kat, Honeypot, Juice
Box, Tulip Tang, Fish Pie, Yeast Cake, Fortune
Nookie, Gooey Man Trap, Hairy Cherry, Stinky
Pinky— ”
City Paper: “—Whoa, that’s fine. I’m kind of
broke and my buddy’s having his wallet drained in the
back room. ... I’ll have another beer on his tab though”
10 JANUARY 3, 2007
The Patio
It was in my freshman year in college when I
first learned about paradise. No, it wasn’t in
ENGL283 with that poem by Milton. And it wasn’t
on that first drunken night when I found myself in
nothing but a bed sheet, chasing a size C bra
around a ceiling fan with my mouth on the seventh
floor of South Tower.
It was when I one day stumbled into the base-
ment of Patterson Hall and found myself staring at
a lush buffet, and an all-you-can-eat paradise.
Ten years later, I found myself back there.
In the basement of Patterson Hall, an all girls
dorm, specifically for the underclass coeds, is a
place where a 28-year old unemployed lecher
could find himself peeling a sweaty $5 bill out his
pants pocket and jingling sixty cents out of his lap
top computer bag.
It’s a place where you can sit in the far corner
of the dining area, off in the shadows behind the
neon lights of the soda machines, and just stare.
Drool and stare. It’s a place where anyone with an
out-dated USC ID card can lurk in the line for the
Chicken Fingers and stalk the salad bar, circling
like a reef shark and imagining the feel of the
smoothness of bare flesh that jiggles and strains
just inches from his jittery fingers.
It’s a place of unlimited seconds, where you
can wipe your mouth and get back in line. Where
you can stray from behind your newspaper or lap-
top and immerse yourself in the bloodstream of the
youthful, bubbling, pure and innocent freshman
girls who might have just come out of the shower
with still wet and sweetly smelling hair. Is that
cucumber melon, or avocado eucalyptus? You
shake the thought away.
The Patio is a place, that from a high-pow-
ered telescope from a neighboring apartment com-
plex, girls can be seen squirming in and out of the
eatery like so many newly born and innocent
worms pulsing in and out of a freshly born mucus
afterbirth sack. But you forget about all that. You’re
here now. Here in the heart of it, the untainted
The Boondocks AARON MCGRUDER
nucleus of collegiate youth and innocence.
Your English professor might say Freud would
have a field day with this. But hey, sometimes a
cigar is just a cigar. And sometimes, when you only
have $5.60 left to pay for dinner, The Patio is the
perfect place to get back in touch with those col-
lege days.
It was on a Wednesday when I found myself
at The Patio. Chicken Finger Wednesday, they call
it. There is also a red-hot grill where you can order
chicken sandwiches, burgers and fries. This is
where I gained my first freshman….um, 15. The
food is excellent for Sodexho university food serv-
ice standards. What was better though was the
view.
I had trouble keeping my eyes off the tots
which were perfectly round and complimented my
fingers well. The potatoes were good too. One of
the best features of The Patio is the all-you-can-eat
salad bar. You’ll enjoy the bait, um, wait, as perky
young co-eds bend over to get the plump tomatoes
that are brilliantly placed just out of reach. I car-
ried my tray to the dining area and imagined sitting
down at a table full of college girls. What would I
say, and could they see I haven’t stopped grinning
since I walked in this place?
My favorite time to arrive at The Patio is at
11:45 a.m., just to beat the rush. This is especial-
ly necessary on Wednesday. You might prefer the
quieter days where you can really enjoy the stalk-
ing. Plus they will have some other serious
entrees like fresh fish, hot meat ball sandwiches,
or overstuffed peppers. Just remember, no touch-
ing!
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
 Crime Report The Handwriting
Doctor By Michelle Dresbold
BEST OF 2006
THE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THESE EVENTS ARE INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY. THE
ACCOUNTS COME DIRECTLY FROM POLICE REPORTS. THIS IS NOT A COURT OF LAW.
CCP CASE 1:
DONALD V. ROSIE
Everything’s not
so rosy or cozy
between Rosie and
The Donald. The fight
29210 found two bloody palm prints on the building and a trail of sounding like that Southern hospitality you're used to? It started when Rosie
"Do you want my 10 inch penis? Come and get it." That's blood leading away from a park bench. Police said they gets worse. As the guy's leaving, the manager hits him O’Donnell jabbed
what police say an obscene caller told a 28-year-old checked with dispatch and found no reported calls for with the door. Literally. The manager says all this never Donald Trump on “The
woman who was working at a storage facility. The call service from EMS, 1200 block Main Street happened like that and he wants the guy to be placed on View”. She “did the hair thing” and then gave Donald
apparently came from a room in Intown Suites but they trespass notice, 1700 block Burning Tree Drive an upper-cut to his jaw about his handling of Miss
couldn’t find the guy who did it. Oh yeah, she turned down 29201 USA, Tara Conner. “He’s the moral authority?” she
the offer, 100 block Harban Court. BIBLE THUMPER BUSTED: Cops found a 41-year-old 29201 asked, then answered. He’s “like one of those, you
homeless man snoozing on a swinging park bench in A man with a mustache pulled out his penis and showed it know, snake-oil-salesmen”.
29172 Finlay Park at 10:15 p.m. The police said when they woke to a group of school children on a public road, 2200 block Donald hit Rosie with a left hook, describing her
Who let the hogs out: A guy in Lexington called police him up he became argumentative and while walking the Barhamville Road. as “a woman out of control…disgusting, both inside
because his hog pen had been cut open and all his hogs man to the patrol car he slammed his bible down on the
ground and started yelling, cursing and drawing attention 29201 and out.” At the end of round one, Trump was talk-
ran off. Again. The 64-year-old pig farmer said though sim- ing law suits and boasting that he would like to “take
ilar hogtrocities had happened in the past this was the first to himself from others in the park. He was arrested and I'm coming down there with a nuclear bomb to blow you
taken to jail, the place he may later call purgatory, 900 up. That's what an unknown caller told a Columbia woman some money out of (Rosie’s) fat-ass pockets”.
time he was able to get any hogs back. He also said he Let’s go ringside and see what the handwriting
couldn’t think of anyone who "would want him to lose his block Taylor Street over the telephone last week. Needless to say no nuclear
weapons were found near the premises, also over $80 bil- says about these two contestants.
hogs." Has anyone checked the State House? There
should be enough pigs in there to keep this guy in busi- 29201 lion wasn’t spent to search for them, try and set up a pup-
ness for years, 1000 block Busbee Road. Police arrested a 46-year-old hobo for boozing it up in the pet regime, then finally admit it was all about oil anyway.
back of the Columbia Transit Station. The well-drunk wino But we’re not splitting hairs here, just atoms, 1800 block
29170 was sipping his sauce from a bottle inside of a brown Blanding Street.
Like a bad made-for-fifth-grade-growing-to-maturity-video, bag— the telltale sign of a boozing bum. Hardcore inves-
a 20-something man asked "Do you like this?" while tigation by police confirmed the bottle to be a 40-ounce SIDELINED! A certain local entertainment weekly staff
pulling out his pecker and wanking it in front of a group of King Cobra "beer," although any self-respecting conven- writer was car jacked this week by a white woman in her
children. The kids ran home and told their parents who ient store connoisseur will tell you King Cobra is, of 20s. The 36-year-old let the floozy hop into the passenger
called the cops. They never found the creep but said he course, a malt liquor, 1700 Sumter Street seat of his Jetta after she said someone was chasing her.
was a white guy wearing a striped blue and white shirt and The car-jacker then had the guy drive her to some sketchy
beige shorts. No clue what fraternity he belongs to, 100 29201 road off Two Notch and pulled a handgun on his ass. No
Riverbend Drive. The call for a "subject drinking alcohol in the morning" word on whether or not she was really just a tranny who
crackled across police dispatch channels at 8:30 a.m. last sold him some bad “H”; 2200 block Brabham Street
29201 week, prompting the five-oh to investigate. The reporting
Putting the "F-U" in funeral: Police responded to a wake at officer said the 46-year-old man found at the scene 29201
the Greater Columbia Funeral Home to find to a piss- smelled like liquor, had slurred speech and kept interfering Police thought the homeless guy they saw walking around First, look at Donald Trump’s signature. Do you
drunk 26-year-old man brandishing a loaded pistol. The with the investigation. Such behavior earned this morning in circles in the Attorney General’s neighborhood was a lit- see that his handwriting has absolutely no curves?
reporting officers arrested the funeral crasher for drunken- moonshiner a cell in the slammer, 1400 block Hyatt Ave. tle suspicious so they shook him down. When they asked His handwriting is a series of sharp angles. Try this
ness, resisting arrest and unlawful carrying of a pistol. him if he had any illegal drugs on him, the wino told them exercise: Take your hand and make a series of
We’d hate to see this guy at a wedding, 2500 block Main 29206 "I have some marijuana." He was then arrested and taken angles. Now, take your hand and make a series of
Street. I thought we were going to get through the police reports to jail, coincidentally within walking distance of state's chief circles. Where did you feel more tension? When you
this week without a single mention of CRACK. I really did, law enforcement officer’s own house, 2000 block Senate made the angles, Right? When writers are feeling
29201 but Columbia let us down once again. This time a man Street angry, determined, fearful, competitive, or chal-
Cut and Run: A police officer arrested a 57-year-old home- was busted with the crickety crackity in…drum roll lenged, their muscles tighten. So a writer who is
less man and made it a point to mention the "three to five please…the Electronics Department of freakin' Wal-Mart. Anyone who says money doesn’t grow on trees obviously driven, aggressive, or hostile can only create
inch toe nails" on the hobo. The officer said he arrested the He was trying to use a fake $100 bill and that's what got never sold weed in college. Deputies look for the $7 Million angles, not curves. Can you see (and feel) the ten-
man after he saw him walking into the courtyard of a prop- him caught, searched and busted for the rock 5400 block Dollar Marijuana Man this week after cops found a pot field sion and tightness in the Donald’s hand?
erty he knew the man was already on trespass for. The Forest Drive worth that much of it in the woods on private property near
Now, let’s take a look at Rosie’s signature. The
man with "no permanent address" was also carrying an some tennis courts in North Richland County. A dog walk-
letters “a” and “o” are the communication letters.
open beer that landed him an additional "alcohol in public" 29020 er allegedly called the cops to narc out the 3,500 pot
Think of these letters as little mouths. When a
charge. Get some clippers buddy and maybe next time Please stay off the grass: Two Lexington folks said a man plants ranging mostly between an inch and 4 feet. The
writer’s “a’s” and “o’s” are open at the top, that writer
you won’t get caught, 1003 block Elmwood Ave. with long hair and a ponytail stole some of bags of grass owner of the land reportedly lives in Washington, D.C. In
from them. No, not he grass you're thinking of— real some places, ounce for ounce marijuana is currently worth likes to talk. When they are completely closed at the
grass— Like Bermuda grass… worth, seriously, $1750 its weight in gold. North Springs subdivision top, the writer is someone you can trust to take your
29201 according to police reports. Either way, we’d rather have secret to the grave. Notice that Rosie has three “o’s”
Caught You Ridin' Dirty: The 5-0 caught a middle aged the other kind, 5300 block Plattsprings Road. 29201 in her name. The “o” in “Rosie” and the first “O” in
homeless man ridin' dirty this week after noticing the paper BackPorchGate: An alleged burglar used a pry bar to O’Donnell are completely closed at the top. This
license tag on the back of his car that read "Tag applied 29073 break into S.C. political mainstay, the Back Porch, accord- shows that when Rosie wants to, she can be a very
for." Apparently the officer knew only a criminal would end Redneck rampage: A woman said her boyfriend hit her in ing to one police document. At around 5:30 a.m. members private person. However, do you see how the sec-
a sentence with a preposition and activated his emer- the face with a beer can during an argument. With a of the police force responded to an alarm and noted dam - ond “o” in Rosie’s last is completely wide open? This
gency lights and siren. The reporting officer said not only bloody nose and beer running down her face she ran out age to the east side door to the gate of the restaurant. The gaping “o” shows that when Rosie does open her
did the man not have a driver's license but he also had an of the house and flagged down an officer saying her boy Back Porch has been known to cater to the likes of Gov. mouth, she opens it wide and has a hard time (as
open container of "Old English Beer" (sic) inside the vehi- toy had been boozing it up pretty hard. Police said the Mark Sanford, House Speaker Bobby Harrell, former Gov. Archie Bunker would say) stifling it.
cle. First of all, it's spelled "Olde" and everyone who went woman than ran back into the house and punched her Beasley, Attorney General Henry McMaster, former House
Who will win this sparring match? The odds-
to college knows Olde English is malt liquor, 2300 block classy beau in the chest. Police arrested both of them, 100 Majority Leader Rick Quinn and House Judiciary
makers say it’s too close to call, but one thing’s for
Devine Street block Lolita Lane Chairman Jim Harrison among others. The Back Porch
was also reportedly the scene where a storied former sure: there’s going to be a lot more bobbing and
29073 Sanford press secretary had a well-documented spat with weaving in the next round.
29201
An officer driving Columbia Police vehicle # 355 ran into a A baseball bat with a sword attached to the end of it. That's a lady-friend, 1600 block Gervais Street
deer, damaging the front grill and hood of the car and cost- what police said a man was carrying as he prowled around Michelle Dresbold is a nationally known hand-
ing the city an estimated $1,500 in damage. No word yet a residence in Lexington County last week. The weird 29201 writing expert and personality profiler. Mail your
on the deer's condition or whether it was searched for freak also allegedly told a couple neighbors he was going While on a routine patrol, an officer of the law had the per- handwritten questions and comments to: The
crack then field booked and released, 4900 block Garners to kill someone, but he hasn’t yet. Until next time, 1000 fect timing and luck to catch a 47-year-old man pissing Handwriting Doctor, P.O. Box 1161, Monroeville, PA
Ferry Road. block Brown Blvd. behind a bush. "I really had to go," the man was reported 15146. Michelle has a new Web site. Please visit
saying to the officer when asked what the hell he thought http://www.michelledresbold.com
29201 29223 he was doing. The officer placed the public pisser under
AND YOU WILL KNOW US BY THE TRAIL OF BLOOD: We'll punch your lights out for you. A guy's car breaks arrest and now we know our tax dollars are being as well
Members of the police force said they found a large down in the parking lot of the Motel 6 in Lexington. He spent on "cleaning up the streets.” Keep up the good work!
amount of dried blood on the sidewalk and on the north leaves for a bit and when he comes back to work on the 2000 block Harden Street
side of a building measuring about 20 feet. They also car, the manager of the motel comes out and tells him to
leave because he's not a registered guest. Not really JANUARY 3, 2007 11

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12 JANUARY 3, 2007
2006 BEST BUM
These are real people and real events, now on the public record.
“I smoke crack.”
That’s what a man told City Paper reporters shortly
after midnight on the muggy night of July 13 in Five
Points.
“I’m trying to get high,” the 62-year-old man said as
he scurried down the sidewalk giving nervous sideways
glances at the flashing blue lights of three police cruisers.
Scraggly bearded, rail-thin and balding, with milky,
bugged-out eyes, the man calling himself Willy said he
believed the current U.S. president was Henry Ford and
thought our country was still at war with Vietnam.
Using a 24-ounce Schlitz Malt Liquor can, Willy later
demonstrated how to smoke crack without using a pipe.
When asked if he ever participated in prostitution he said
the most he’d ever paid for sex was $20.
“I’m looking for me a lady,” he said, before mention-
ing the previous night he’d met a woman by the Five
Points fountain and had sexual relations with her.
“Dat cooter cat. When you suckin’ one of them titties
and eaten that cooter cat, mmm, gotta…mmm,” he said.
When asked where to locate any crack nearby, Willy
said he didn’t know.
“I don’t smoke crack,” he said. “No more,” apparent-
ly forgetting his earlier statement made only eight min-
utes and two seconds before.
The following is a transcribed interview with City
Paper’s Bum of the Week:
CCP: Hey, what are you up to?
BUM: Trying to get high!
CCP: What are you getting high on?
BUM: I smoke crack.
CCP: No you don’t.
BUM: Oh, God I…I need some change.
CCP: You smoke crack?
BUM: 62 years… yeah I smoke crack!
CCP: You mind if I talk to you for a minute about that?
BUM: You church people? I figure you church people.
CCP: Church people? No. Who is the President of the
United States right now?
BUM: Ford.
CCP: Ford?
BUM: Henry Ford.
CCP: Who is Donald Rumsfeld?
BUM: I don’t know. To tell you the truth I don’t know.
CCP: What are you doing right now?
BUM: I’m fit to go home right now.
CCP: But earlier you said you were going to smoke
crack.
BUM: No, no, no, no, no, no. no, no. I been tellin’ lies, I
been tellin’ lies.
CCP: Where were you going to go smoke crack?
BUM: I don’t…no I don’t smoke.
CCP: You don’t smoke it?
BUM: No.
CCP: Do you shoot it?
BUM: No. I don’t do drugs.
CCP: What’s in the box?
BUM: I got a brand new shirt.
CCP: Oh, what are you going to do with that?
BUM: I’ll sell it to you.
CCP: Sell it to me? How much?
NAME: WILLY
QUOTE: “DAT COOTER CAT”
DRUG OF CHOICE: CRACK
LOCATION: POST OFFICE
BUM: What will you give me?
CCP: What size is that? It’s not my size, but uh, how
much, no, where did you get that? Never mind, tell me the
most f#!ked up thing that’s happened to you this week?
BUM: Ain’t nothing happened to me! Oooooh, Lord!
Ooooh, Lord! (Incomprehensible).
CCP: I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that.
BUM: I’m lookin’ for me a lady!
CCP: A lady?
BUM: Don’t let no woman go to your house and stay
with you. You gets your little nut off, then you just…you go
about your business.
CCP: Have you ever slept out on the street here?
BUM: Yes sir. No, no, I...no…
CCP: How long have you been in Columbia?
BUM: Goin’ on about nine years now.
CCP: What’s the worst thing you’ve seen out here?
BUM: Motherf#!kers be breaking into cars and shit.
CCP: Who is our country at war with right now?
BUM: Vietnam.
CCP: How do you feel about illegal immigration?
BUM: This president now, he messin’ up somethin’. He
messin’ up somethin’ now.
CCP: And who is the president?
BUM: I don’t know, what is it, Ford… or whatever it is.
CCP: Fair enough.
BUM: See, you’re a young man. I done been there and
been done that.
(At this point Willy goes into a song and dance. While
the lyrics are incomprehensible beyond belief, the dance
moves are…well, similar).
CCP: Let me ask you a question, do you have a stem
on you right now? I’m not a police officer.
BUM: No, no, no, no, if I had a stem I’d give it to you. I
ain’t got no stem.
CCP: I don’t want it, I just want to see it because I’ve
never seen one before.
BUM: No, no, no I aint got no stem.
CCP: What do you use?
BUM: You can…
(Willy looks around and sees an unopened can of
Schlitz Malt Liquor near the sidewalk and picks it up).
BUM: You bend this here… get you a pin. Put your car-
buretor right over there. Get you some ash, here. Like you
light a cigarette…some ash there. Ooooh, Lord. And put your
hand on the carburetor, and when you get it, take it
and…Ooooh, Lord!
CCP: Let me ask you something…this is going to sound
weird, but if I wanted to get some crack… where would I go?
BUM: I don’t know around here, man. I don’t know.
Don’t know around here.
CCP: When was the last time you had sex with a
woman?
BUM: Last night.
CCP: Where’d you meet her?
BUM: Right over there, in front of the waterfall over
there.
CCP: The waterfront?
BUM: The waterfall right there! You know where
the water shoot up in the air.
CCP: Oh, the fountain. You met her by the foun-
tain. Did you have to pay for it?
BUM: I had to buy it? Yes, yeah…if you buy a
lady a couple beers you pay for it.
CCP: What was the best part?
BUM: Dat cooter cat, when you suckin’ one of
them titties and eaten that cooter cat, mmm, gotta…mmm
CCP: Have you ever paid for sex?
BUM: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
CCP: What’s the most you’ve ever paid for it?
BUM: Most I ever paid for sex? Um, $20.
CCP: What’s the most you’ve ever pad for
crack?
BUM: No, I don’t smoke crack.
CCP: You told me you were looking for crack,
look, I don’t care…you said…
BUM: No, I…I don’t smoke crack. No more.
CCP: Anymore!
BUM: Yep.
CCP: All right, Willy. Have a good one.
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
 2006 Best Of Lissey Schroeder
RIDE THE COCK
I remember the first time I ever rode the ‘Cock.
It was with my best friend Ryan during the second
week of college. Normally it wouldn’t have taken this
long, but I think we were both pretty nervous to jump
right into that sort of thing. We were both new to the
college and if you’re going to ride the ‘Cock you
should always make sure you’re doing it with some-
one you know and make sure you know you’re riding
the right one. There’s nothing worse than getting your
‘Cocks mixed up and finding out you’re on the wrong
one.
It was the early morning when we both decided
morning when I woke up for my 8am class. I smiled
at Ryan and he smiled back. He took my hand in his…
and I got on. That was a long time ago it seems.
Winter blew by with its dusting of snow, and spring
came around with wild daisies on the Horseshoe. With
the new seasons and new semesters, new class
schedules and a change of majors, I stopped riding on
Ryan’s ‘Cock.
It’s not the saddest story. We still see each other
in some classes and at the dining hall. I tell Ryan
about how I ride the red ‘Cock now, the bigger one
that I always used to envy when I saw it on campus

Fri. Jan. 6 & Sat. Jan. 7

FROM MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL:
we were going to do it. I had an early class and so did
Ryan and I remember asking him if he thought we
were doing the right thing. I know a lot of girls on cam-
pus don’t like to ride the ‘Cock and I thought maybe it
might be weird the first time. Maybe a little dangerous
even. Why weren’t so many other girls out there doing
it? And why did I feel like I wanted to? I didn’t know,
but I was ready to find out.
We took all the necessary precautions, Ryan
and I. We read all the booklets and pamphlets they
had for us in the Russell House about riding the
‘Cock.
We both made sure that when we started we
both knew where it was going to end. We were glad to
be in this together. It was a beautiful Wednesday
last year. He laughs and tells me he doesn’t even ride
at all anymore. He bought something over the sum-
mer that makes riding the ‘Cock unnecessary. He
says it gets him where he needs to go faster and he
doesn’t have to wait around as long. He says it’s
always there for him when he needs it and even on
the weekends. I still ride the ‘Cock once in a while and
I really advocate any college student to do the same.
Give it a try if you haven’t already.
The USC Shuttle Cock is a very convenient
service for Carolina students and I encourage every-
body to take advantage of it. I wouldn’t be the woman
I am today without it.
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

Order your “I Rode The Cock” Tee from columbiacitypaper.com

Missed Connections
The Lady Chablis You followed me to the Bi-Lo parking lot after I
cut you off at the light. You gave me the finger and
You asked me to “hold onto this for a second,”
when the cops were chasing you through the College
screamed, “I hope you don’t fuck as bad as you drive.” Mart parking lot. I have your stuff.
Open Tuesday Would like the opportunity to prove you wrong.
Call Ext: 207
Call Ext: 721

Through Sunday You picked me up outside of Club RA. I was

I was walking through the Food Court in
Columbiana, you and your boys were behind me. You

Coming Jan. 12 & 13 wasted but I think you were hot. Wanted to say some- kept saying “pssssst,” “pssssst,” “hey” “pssssst,” but I
thing but there was another guy in the cab. If he’s not pretended not to hear you. That was my dad I was
your boyfriend I’d like to give you a three-dollar ride. with, but want you to know you definitely know how
The Goddess Call Ext: 311 turn a girl on. Call me.
Call Ext: 056

Blaize up.
You were the shorty walking back to South
Tower. Tried to holla but my bass was too loud. Hit it

Call Ext: 446

FINEST FEMALE IMPERSONATION IN THE SOUTHEAST
1101 Harden Street, Columbia, S.C. 803.758.6090
Saw you at the State Fair. You were in the
“Silly Faggots Dicks Are For Chicks” t-shirt with a W’04 trying to read Vonnegut over my shoulder. Call me.
sticker on your chest. I was operating the Tilt-A-Whirl
while trying to shoot meth. Thought I saw you laugh
and wink.
Call Ext: 682
I was wearing the blue turtleneck sweater,
tight pants, thick-rimmed glasses and Sauconys. You
had a shock-rock haircut and a blue star tattoo. You
ordered the Vanilla Frapparachino Mochalate, I had
the Nutmeg Ginger Chai Delight. Thought I saw you
Call Ext: 186
missedconnections@columbiacitypaper.com

JANUARY 3, 2007 13
 SILLY SEASON UPON US
Some would say that just after the holiday sea-
son is over, the real silly season begins.
Yes, the S.C. General Assembly is scheduled
to return to Columbia on January 9. Already, there’s
a full slate of business because almost 400 bills
have been prefiled and sent to committees for work
to start.
There are a spate of bills that focus on serious
problems and challenges for South Carolina, such
as measures to increase the minimum wage,
restructure government and deal with isolated wet-
lands, eminent domain powers, workers’ compensa-
tion laws, gang activity, family court reform and child
abuse.
Legislation also has already been proposed on
hot-button issues, including measures related to
abortion and increasing taxes on cigarettes and
gasoline. There are even proposals to bring back
video poker and allow for riverboat gambling.
Pre-filed bills generally can be split into three
categories - - bills that rehash losing battles of the
past that lawmakers are gearing up to try again; bills
that reflect big priorities of legislative leaders for the
coming year; and new ideas to tweak state laws.
Here are a few observations based on bills
filed so far:
Immigration. House members seem fairly
obsessed with immigration legislation. They’ve
authored 11 different bills that range from toughen-
ing enforcement and creating study committees on
the issue to multiple reforms of current immigration
laws. Meanwhile, only one immigration bill was
introduced in the Senate.
Environment. Of the 398 bills filed in both
chambers, just over a dozen dealt with environmen-
tal or outdoors issues. Among the interesting ideas
were bills that called for an electronics recycling pro-
gram, requirements for state buildings to shift to
using fluorescent bulbs and a proposal that would
require large state buildings to meet green building
standards.
Education. In a state at or near the bottom on
many education measures, it is somewhat surpris-
ing that less than 10 percent of bills introduced dealt
with education. Among measures already in the
hopper are those to end the popular “TERI” teacher
retirement program, establish a statewide “virtual”
charter school, exempt veterans from some tuition
and increase the stipend for Palmetto Fellows who
study science and math.
Health. Just over two dozen bills highlight
14 JANUARY 3, 2007
health-related issues. None appear to deal with a
big voter concern - - the rising cost of health care
and insurance. One bill does call for uninsured
patients to not be charged more than insured
patients at hospitals. Other health bills include a call
to allow stem cell research in the state, several bills
to ban smoking and a proposal to require restau-
rants to post whether they use trans fats.
And then there are bills that might make you
raise an eyebrow (or two):
Walkers. A House bill would exempt hospital
beds, walkers and wheelchairs from state sales tax.
(Sound like special-interest legislation?)
Cell phones. A Senate proposal would prohib-
it school bus drivers from using cell phones except
in emergencies. (You’d think they had enough on
their hands.)
Consumption. A House bill calls for the
Common Sense Consumption Act to provide that a
manufacturer, packer, distributor, carrier, holder,
marketer, seller or association of one or more of
these entities is not subject to civil liability in cases
based on weight gain, obesity or a health condition
associated with obesity in the consumption of food
and nonalcoholic beverages.
State horse. Another bill would establish the
Marsh Tacky as the official state horse.
Foreign language printing. A House meas-
ure would prohibit a state or local entity from printing
and producing written material in a foreign language
unless required by federal law and to require a state
and local entity to print and produce written material
in English only.
State voicemail. There’s a proposal to ban
state employees from using voicemail to bypass
picking up the phone when they’re at their worksta-
tions.
And our all-time favorite:
Curbing happy hours. House Speaker Pro
Tem Doug Smith proposed a measure that essen-
tially would limit happy hours to one day a week and
keep bars from selling drinks at less than half price.
‘Tis the season to be jolly - - at least for awhile
on certain days.
To view any of the prefiled bills, go online to:
h t t p : / / w w w. s c s t a t e h o u s e . n e t / h t m l -
pages/prefil07.htm. Andy Brack, publisher of S.C.
Statehouse Report, can be reached at brack@state-
housereport.com.
Todd Apocalypto (2006)
spoils the movie MOVIETIMES
has turned the tide on his pursuers. Just when we think
NICKELODEON THEATRE
937 Main Street, 803.254.8234
Showtimes nightly at 7:00 & 9:00
(3:00 matinee Saturday, Sunday,
COLUMBIANA GRANDE CINEMAS
sponsored by

1250 Bower Parkway (803) 407-9898

7:30, 10:05
Pursuit Of Happiness (p13) 12:15*, 4, 6:50,
9:50
he is the master of his own destiny and just when he Apocalypto (r) 1:45, 5:10, 8:15
Oh maya ‘nother Mel Gibson epic! turns to face the last two warriors that stand between
Wednesday)
Rocky Balboa (pg) 12:30* 3:50, 7:50, 10:20
him and his family, Gibson’s divine hand steps back in January 5-8t Monday- Fri The Queen Black Christmas (r) 2:05, 4:40, 7:15, 9:35
and... January 9-11 Tues-Thuirs Jesus Camp We Are Marshall (pg) 12:10*, 4:20, 7:40, 9:55
...Nah. You’ve just got to see it. Borat (r) 9:15 * Fri-Sun only
From a PR perspective this film should be dead in REGAL CINEMA 7 COLUMBIA
3400 Forest Drive, Suite 3000. (800) 326- Charlottes Web 12, 2:20, 5, 6:30, 7:35, 9:55 PHOENIX THEATERS COLUMBIA PLACE
the water, yet despite Mel Gibson angering --or at least CINEMA 8
3264 x347
appalling-- most of the English speaking world with his Chrildren of Men (r) 2:10, 4:50, 7:30, 10:10 7201-802 Two Notch (803) 788-7664
recent drunken tirade, the film has received a Golden Freedom WritersNEW (PG-13)
Globe nomination for best foreign language film and has 1:15 I 4:15 I 7:20 I 10:10 Code Name: the cleaner (13) 12:20, 3, 6:55, Black Christmas (r) 12:05*, 2:20, 4:35, 7:15,
turned a nice profit at the box office. I’ll say that again: 9:10 9:25, 11:50
we’re talking about film full of half naked Mexicans and Night at the Museum (PG)
1:00 I 1:30 I 4:00 I 4:30 I 7:25 I 9:55 Eragon (pg) 12:05, 2:40, 5:20, 8, 10:25 Charlottes Web (g) 11:45, 2, 4:15, 7, 9:15,
Native Americans done entirely in Mayan dialect that 11:30
has done well in American theaters. Rocky Balboa (PG) Freedom Writers (13) 1:20,4:20,7:20,10:20
Perhaps that is divine intervention. 1:25 I 4:25 I 7:35 I 9:50 Eragon (pg) 11:50, 2:15, 4:25, 7:15, 9:25,
The Good Shepherd (r) 12:30, 4:10, 8:10 11:50
Apocalypto (2006) starring Rudy Youngblood, Dalia Charlotte's Web (G)
Hernandez, Jonathan Brewer, Raoul Trujillo, and 1:20 I 4:20 I 7:30 I 9:45 Happy Feet (pg) 12:10, 2:45, 5:15, 7:45 Night At The Museum (pg) 12:10*, 2:30, 4:55,
Rodolpho Palacios is directed by Mel Gibson and is 7:25, 9:50, 12:10**
Blood Diamond (R) Pursuit of Hapyness (pg) 12:15, 2:25, 4:45,
rated R for graphic violence and nudity. 7:05* Pursuit of Happyness (13) 11:35*, 2:05, 4:40,
1:10 I 4:05 I 7:05 I 10:00
7:10, 9:40, 12:05**
Opening In Wide Release This Week: The Holiday (PG-13) We Are Marshall (13) 1, 1:40, 7, 7:40, 10,
1:05 I 4:10 I 7:10 I 10:15 10:30 Rocky Balboa (pg) 12:20, 2:35, 4:50, 7:30.
Children of Men *no show fri 10, 12:15,
Synopsis: In the near future, humanity loses the ability Casino Royale (PG-13) * no fri ** no sun
Mel Gibson, that crazy bastard, has done it again. to reproduce, plunging the world into a war-torn 7:00 I 10:05 AMC DUTCH SQUARE 14
Sure, he’s nuttier than a Christmas fruitcake, but even dystopia. 800 Bush River Rd., Columbia, SC,(803) REGAL SANDHILL STADIUM 16
the most jaded moviegoer has to admit that he has an Prediction: The family movie event of the season CARMIKE WYNNSONG 10 - COLUMBIA 750-3576 450 Town Center Place(803) 736-1811
eye for gory historical nightmares. His third session in 5320 Forest Drive. (803) 782-7744
Black Christmas (2006) (R, 100 min.) Code Name: The CleanerNEW (PG-13)
the director’s chair has produced a sweepingly beauti- Freedom Writers 2:00pm | 4:50pm | 7:00pm | 9:20pm 12:20 I 2:40 I 5:20 I 7:50 I 10:10
Code Name: The CleanerNEW (PG-13)
ful, yet blood spattered vision of a Mayan civilization on Synopsis: Seen Dangerous Minds or Lean on Me? How 1:05 I 3:15 I 5:30 I 7:45 I 10:00
the brink of ruin. As with Passion of the Christ, Gibson about The Subsitute with Tom Berenger? Same movie. Blood Diamond (R, 138 min.) Freedom WritersNEW (PG-13)
has made a wholly original film unlike anything most Prediction: The Troubled-Inner-City-High-School- Thr3eNEW 1:30 I 4:15 I 7:00 I 9:30 9:30pm 12:50 I 4:15 I 7:20 I 10:15
moviegoers have experienced, an epic steeped in both Saved-By-An-Idealistic-White-Faculty-Member genre
human cruelty and love. Black Christmas (R) Charlotte's Web (2006) (G, 113 min.) Happily N'Ever AfterNEW (PG)
peaked when James Belushi rode his motorcycle 12:50 I 3:00 I 5:10 I 7:20 I 9:30 2:10pm | 4:40pm | 7:05pm | 9:15pm 12:00 I 2:20 I 4:40 I 7:10 I 9:40
The film centers on a young hunter named Jaguar through the hallways in The Principal. Film diarrhea.
Paw (Rudy Youngblood), who is overcome with a sense Children of Men (R) Children of Men (R, 108 min.) Black Christmas (R)
of dread when he and a small band of hunters from his Happily N'Ever After 1:30 I 4:15 I 7:00 I 9:40 2:15pm | 5:00pm | 7:45pm | 10:10pm 12:35 I 2:50 I 5:15 I 8:00 I 10:25
village discover battered refugees who are quietly pass- Synopsis: A princess realizes that her evil stepmother
ing through their tranquil forest to escape a platoon of and her cronies are plotting to destroy Fairy Tale Land, The Good Shepherd (R) Code Name: The Cleaner (PG-13, 84 Children of Men (R)
slave gatherers from the capital. The rest of his village so she joins a resistance movement to fight back. 1:30 I 5:00 I 8:15 min.)2:20pm | 4:45pm | 7:10pm | 9:20pm 11:50am I 2:30 I 5:00 I 7:30 I 10:10
refuses to acknowledge the impending doom and pass Prediction: Score! The girl from Accounts Payable that Eragon (PG, 99 min.) The Good Shepherd (R)
their days in Gibson’s version of an idyllic finally gave you her number? Take her to this movie and We Are Marshall (PG)
1:00 I 4:00 I 7:10 I 9:50 1:50pm | 4:15pm | 7:15pm 1:00 I 4:45 I 8:30
Mesoamerican Eden, in which the forest provides a then for a steak dinner at the Kingsman.
plentiful bounty and the villagers wile away their days in Eragon (PG) 4:15 I 9:30 Freedom Writers (PG-13, 123 min.) Night at the Museum (PG)
laughter and dance... until, inevitably, the slavers Also Playing This Week: 1:40pm | 4:30pm | 7:10pm | 10:00pm 12:45 I 2:20 I 4:20 I 4:50 I 6:50 I 9:50
descend upon the village to rape, pillage, take slaves The Pursuit of Happyness (PG-13) 11:45am I 7:20
and capture defeated warriors for sacrifice. 1:30 I 4:10 I 7:05 I 9:45 The Good Shepherd (R, 160 min.)
Blood Diamond 3:20pm | 6:45pm | 10:05pm We Are Marshall (PG)
The next 90 minutes or so chronicles the captives’ Synopsis: Leonardo DiCaprio is a mercenary who 12:40 I 4:10 I 7:10 I 10:00
march through the rainforest tied to poles in a dazed quests for a rare diamond. Apocalypto (R) 9:55
Happily N'Ever After (PG, 87 min.)
shock, mourning the family members that they just saw Verdict: OK, we'll give it a shot. Unaccompanied Minors (PG) 1:15pm | 3:30pm | 5:30pm | 7:30pm | 9:40pm Rocky Balboa (PG)
hacked to death. They don’t have much better news 1:00 I 7:30 12:10 I 2:40 I 5:10 I 7:40 I 10:20
waiting for them in the capital city: the remaining women Eragon Happy Feet (PG, 98 min.)
are sold off as concubines while the men are painted Synopsis: A young farm boy finds a dragon egg, hatch- Happy Feet (PG) 1:20 I 4:30 I 7:00 I 9:30 1:40pm | 4:10pm | 7:20pm | 10:00pm Charlotte's Web (G)
blue and dragged atop a giant pyramid to have their es it, bonds with the wise-cracking beast, learns to ride 11:40am I 2:10 I 4:35 I 7:00 I 9:20
CARMIKE CINEMAS 14 The Holiday (2006) (PG-13, 136 min.)1:20pm
hearts cut out and burned on a ceremonial altar before it, and fights as a Dragon Rider in a war. | 4:25pm | 7:25pm | 10:20pm Eragon (PG) 12:05 I 2:35 I 5:05 I 7:35 I 9:55
122 Afton Court.(803) 781-3067
being beheaded and tossed to the chanting crowd Verdict: Drop the kids off & go have a couple of Daiquiris
below. at Ruby Tuesday. Happily N'Ever AfterNEW (PG) 1:00 I 1:25 I Night at the Museum (PG, 108 min.) The Pursuit of Happyness (PG-13)
Happy Holidays, folks. 3:10 I 3:35 I 5:20 I 5:45 I 7:30 I 8:00 I 9:40 I 2:30pm | 5:10pm | 7:50pm | 10:15pm 11:30am I 12:30 I 2:15 I 4:00 I 5:00 I 7:15 I
While the imagery and cinematography are stun- Rocky Balboa 10:10 7:45 I 10:00 I 10:30
ning, vividly recreating the pyramid temples and ornate Synopsis: Rocky has been working in a restaurant and- The Pursuit of Happyness (PG-13, 116
Thr3eNEW 1:30 I 4:15 I 7:00 I 9:30 min.)1:45pm | 4:20pm | 7:00pm | 9:40pm The Holiday (PG-13)
cityscape of ancient Central America, Gibson and co- - c'mon, what’s the point? We've already seen this 4:05 I 7:05 I 10:05
writer, Farhad Safinia, seem to falter with the storyline movie, what, four times already? Night at the Museum (PG) 12:30 I 1:30 I 3:00 Rocky Balboa (PG, 102 min.)
once the captives reach the city. To this point, they have Verdict: Shit sandwich. I 4:30 I 5:30 I 7:30 I 8:00 I 9:55 I 10:30 2:00pm | 4:50pm | 7:20pm | 9:50pm Unaccompanied Minors (PG) 12:15
created a starkly realistic vision of life in Mesoamerica,
circa 1500. But, a series of occurrences—we assume Night at the Museum Rocky Balboa (PG) 1:15 I 4:15 I 7:30 I 9:45 We Are Marshall (PG, 127 min.) Casino Royale (PG-13) 9:45
them to be supernatural—come to Jaguar Paw’s aid. Synopsis: Ben Stiller's character is a night janitor in a 1:50pm | 4:40pm | 7:40pm | 10:30pm
These quasi bits of divine intervention would be perfect- museum… and the artifacts come alive. Blood Diamond (R) 1:00 I 4:00 I 7:00 I 10:00 Happy Feet (PG) 11:30am I 2:00 I 4:30 I 7:00
PASTIME PAVILION CINEMA 8 I 9:30
ly suited for a Mayan fable but they seem out of place in Verdict: Fun, weird, wild, wacky stuff. 929 North Lake Drive, Lexington, SC, 29072
The Holiday (PG-13) 1:00 I 3:55 I 7:00 I 9:50
a film which, to that point, had stayed grounded in the (803) 951-3603 ST. ANDREWS ROAD MULTI CINEMAS
blood and guts of 16th century jungle life. Interestingly, We Are Marshall The Nativity Story (PG) 1:15 I 4:10 I 7:20 I 527 St. Andrews Road 772-7469
it’s divine intervention from a Mayan god, which seems Synopsis: A football team is tragically killed in a plane 9:40 Carlotte’s Web (G) 11:30*, 2:20*, 4:50, 7:20,
a tad bizarre coming from a writer/director whose crash. The school's football program and the communi- 9:40 Deck The Halls (pg) 2:40, 4:25, 7:10, 9:15
staunch, almost maniacal, Catholicism tends to perme- ty struggle to rebuild. Deja Vu (PG-13) 1:30 I 4:30 I 7:30 I 10:00
Code Name: The Cleaner (13) 12:20*, Flicka (pg) 4:30, 7:20
ate the larger body of his directorial work. Verdict: Nah… I ain't crying. I just got some popcorn salt 4:20,7:40,9:55
During the attack on his village, Jaguar Paw had in my eye, dawg. [Sniffle.] The Fountain (PG-13) 1:35 I 4:35 I 7:35 I
9:45 Illusionist (13) 2:20, 9:20
lowered his pregnant wife and young child into a large Happiliy Never After (pg) 11:50* , 2:15*, 4:30,
hole where they remained hidden. Once he escapes the Casino Royale (PG-13) 1:00 I 4:00 I 7:10 I 7, 9:30 Open Season (pg) 2:10, 4, 7:15, 9:10
Mayan capital to try to reach his family, with his captives talkback@columbiacitypaper.com 10:00
hot on his heels, the action really starts. The second half Happy Feet (pg) 11:40*, 2:10*, 4:45, 7:15, Santa Clause 3 (pg) 2, 4:10, 7, 9
of the film flies by in a blur and is by far one of the most Babel (R) 2:00 I 5:00 I 8:00 9:45
Saw 3 (r) 2:30 , 4:40, 7:30, 9:30
original and coolest action segments I’ve seen on the Night At The Museum (pg) 12*, 2:30*, 5,
The Departed (R) 1:00 I 4:00 I 7:00 I 9:50
big screen in a while. By the end of it, Jaguar Paw has
eluded capture in the jungle for two days, wounded, and JANUARY 3, 2007 15
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 3
New Brookland Tavern
On or Off, Headfirst For Halos,
TBA
THURSDAY JANUARY 4
Headliners
Hello Tomorrow, Adam Bryant
Goodnight Amazing, John Jett
Hunter & Gatherer
Live Jazz with Skipp Pearson
New Brookland Tavern
Something About Vampires And
Sluts, Little Baby Dynamite,TBA
FRIDAY JANUARY 5
Hunter & Gatherer
The Plow Boys
Jammin Java
Steven Fiore w/ Austin Crane
Bring your own City Paper
Jillians
Rock Candy
Macs on Main
Fatback & the Groove Band
New Brookland Tavern
Jam Room Compilation
Release Party
Quickfuse, Diavolo, From Graves
Of Valor, Moment Of Truth,Black
Tusk
SATURDAY JANUARY 6
Art Bar
Jam Room Studio CD
Compilation Release Party
Death Becomes Even The
Maiden, Scary Hand
Flying Saucer 10pm
ROADTRIP
CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA
Thursday, January 18 - Cumberlands
Agent Orange
Saturday, January 20 - Cumberlands
The Loved Ones, Zolof the Rock ‘n Roll Destroyer
Friday, January 26 - Music Farm
The Lemonheads
SPARTANBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA
Friday, January 19 - Ground Zero
Agent Orange, JT & the Blame, God Help Us,
Liberty's Revenge , Wasted Rebellion
Friday, February 2 - Ground Zero
Terror, Warriors, All Shall Perish, Stick to your Gun,
War of Wages, Bite The Curb
16 JANUARY 3, 2007
Maywater WEDNESDAY JANUARY 10 Jillians New Brookland Tavern 7pm New Brookland Tavern 9pm
Hunter & Gatherer Radio Cult White Rose Revival Deleveled, Moment Of Truth
Dragon 76 Project Art Bar Shiloh, TBA Headsnap
Mr. B’s Goodtime Karaoke New Brookland Tavern 5pm
Jammin Java Because Of This, Fair Street Wild Wings (Bower Pkwy) Wild Wings
Tim Brantley McCary’s The Blood Libel, The Moultrie Joyride WormsLoew
Karaoke Killer, A Road Eternal
Jillians Wild Wings (Village at Sandhill) SATURDAY JANUARY 20
Rock Candy New Brookland Tavern 6pm New Brookland Tavern 9pm Hot Sauce
No Way Jose, Blinded By Drum and Bass Art Bar
New Brookland Tavern 5pm Underpants, Heist and the Hosted by:B-spot & MC Dot WEDNESDAY JANUARY 17 SYMMETRY V Goth night
God Help Us, No Harm Done Accomplice, Ugly Dobro
Steve Hit Mike, Rosemont SATURDAY JANUARY 13 New Brookland Tavern 7pm Corner Pocket
Joe McCready, LongStreet D.B. Bryant
New Brookland Tavern 9pm THURSDAY JANUARY 11 Art Bar Zack Fowler, Austin Crain
The Noise, Yukos The Crude Ryan Monroe, Venice Is Sinking Headliners
The Stelle Group, Juicebox Art Bar Maya's Big Vermillion THURSDAY JANUARY 18 Blueground Undergrass.
Suhgarim with Zelazowa
SUNDAY JANUARY 7 Headliners Art Bar Jillians
Headliners 13 Stories, Entreat MiKenPike, The Noise, Winston Lixx
New Brookland Tavern 7pm Sent By Ravens, Before Audio
Havoc Din, Dogskin Pinata, 9th Normandy, Not Yet Rated Jillians 800 GervaisStreet New Brookland Tavern 5pm
Corner, Israel Son The Hundreth Radio Cult Headliners Meant To Be Morbid,TBA
Madison Fair
MONDAY JANUARY 8 Hunter & Gatherer New Brookland Tavern 9pm Hillside Manor, Last November
Bitter Pill, Noxious, Uncrowned City Sleeps New Brookland Tavern 9pm
Live Jazz with Skipp Pearson The Downcide, Harm Division
New Brookland Tavern 6pm
xRepresentx, The Caufield SUNDAY JANUARY 14 Hunter & Gatherer Downfall
Jillians 800 GervaisStreet
Principle, Charge The Mound Men of Distinction Live Jazz with Skipp Pearson
1995, The Day Is Ours New Brookland Tavern 6pm
Level Testing Ground, The Hottness Jillians Art Bar
TUESDAY JANUARY 9 Live Jazz My Hero Is Me, Cambridge Fabulous Kays 1211 Park St. 803.929.0198
CJ’s
CJ’S 9:30pm New Brookland Tavern 5 pm MONDAY JANUARY 15 New Brookland Tavern 7pm 749 Saluda Ave.
Karaoke Harry And The Potters, Cities Apart, Kenotia, Foxes That
Somebody Still Loves You, Boris Headliners Fight, Xzamen, Goodnight Delaneys
New Brookland Tavern 7 pm Senses Fail, Saosin, Alexisonfire Amazing 741 Saluda Ave. 803.779.2345
Yeltsin
Kilcoy, American Sex Machine The Sleeping Headliners
I Dare You New Brookland Tavern 9 pm FRIDAY JANUARY 19 700 Gervais St. 803.796.2333
Oldstate, Pagan Savant, TBA New Brookland Tavern 6pm Hunter & Gatherer
State Street Singer/Songerwriter Night Delaneys 900 Main St. 803.748.0540
Live acoustic night FRIDAY JANUARY 12 Marian Carter, Justin Petrey McFly
Nate Miller, Brightford, Rob Jillians
800 Gervais St.803.779.7789
Wild Wings (1150 Bower Pkwy) Headliners Garman, Biskits Headliners
Sol Driven Train Machine Funk "A Tribute to Zach Deputy Macs on Main
Widespread Panic"w/ Fossil TUESDAY JANUARY 16 1710 Main St.
Wild Wings (729 Lady Street) Record Hunter & Gatherer New Brookland Tavern
Blankety Blank CJ’S 9:30pm Lorrie Rivers, David Letts 122 State St. 803.791.4413
Wild Wings (Village at Sandhill) Hunter & Gatherer Karaoke Jillians
Birthday Bash with Tokyo Joe Corner House State Street Lixx
Live acoustic night
Thursday, January 18 - Tremont Music Hall RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA
Pink Spiders, Kill Hannah, Love Arcade, Action
Reaction Friday, January 5 - The Lincoln Theatre
Sunday, January 21 - Tremont Music Hall Donna the Buffalo
Thursday, Murder by Death, Fear Before the March Sunday, January 14 - The Pour House Music Hall
of Flames, Heavy Heavy Low Low Scrapomatic, Glenn Tilbrook, Jonah Smith
NEWBERRY, SOUTH CAROLINA Monday, January 22 - Ovens Auditorium
Mute Math ATLANTA, GEORGIA
Friday, January 12 - Newberry Opera House
Doc Watson CARRBORO, NORTH CAROLINA Thursday, January 6 - Symphony Hall
Friday, January 19 - Newberry Opera House Bebel Gilberto
Pam Tillis Saturday, January 20 - The Cat’s Cradle Friday, January 7 - The Masquerade
Camera Obscura, Essex Green The Heart Attacks
Friday, February 2 - Newberry Opera House
Arlo Guthrie Monday, January 22 - The Cat’s Cradle Saturday, January 13 - The Earl
The Dears, The Annuals Mission of Burma
CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA Tuesday, January 23 - The Cat’s Cradle Saturday, January 20 - Phillips Arena
The Queers, The Heartattacks, The Riptides Rod Stewart
Friday, January 12 - Neighborhood Theatre
Iris DeMent Thursday, January 25 - The Cat’s Cradle Tuesday, January 23 - The Tabernacle
The Lemonheads Incubus, Albert Hammond Jr.
Saturday, January 13 - Tremont Music Hall
Senses Fail, Alexisonfire, Saosin, The Sleeping Monday, February 5 - The Cat’s Cradle
Yo La Tengo ATHENS, GEORGIA
Wednesday, January 17 - Ovens Auditorium
Chris Botti Monday, February 5 - The Cat’s Cradle Friday, January 19 - The 40 Watt Club
Yo La Tengo Camera Obscura
 Britney gets wasted,
Lohan is a fire-crotch

Britney Spears performs at the Colonial Center in Columbia on March 24, 2004. There was no “Milkshake” on
this day because scheduled performer Kelis pulled off the Onyx Hotel Tour. PHOTO BY SEAN RAYFORD

MUSIC & ENTERTAINMENT NOTES BY SEAN RAYFORD

Rumors of Britney Spears’ inability to party down have
swirled through the media after reports of her fainting at a
New Year’s Eve Bash at the Pure nightclub in Las Vegas.
Spears was seen knocking back expensive bottle(s) of cham-
pagne on the final night of the year. The pop diva was paid in
the neighborhood of $300,000 to be the host of the celebra-
tion and helped to count down the seconds to 2007 while
dancing to everyone’s favorite song of the decade, “I’m a
Slave 4 U.”
Her manager, Larry Rudolf, claimed that the star was
not drunk, but merely tired and worn out by the time that 1
o’clock rolled around. The next time Spears visits Columbia,
we obviously won’t be joining her for shuffleboard and late
night (early morning) beers at Bar None.
In related news, the music industry’s biggest loser of
2006 (and Spears’ ex) began the new year in style. The
wannabe MC and super-cool back-up dancer hung out in the
winner’s circle after his official debut as a wrestler on WWE’s
“Monday Night Raw” program. Federline pinned champ John
Cena and at one point had one of the biggest names in
wrestling in a headlock and a “masterlock”/ full nelson.
Paling in newsworthiness, Federline also recently
reverted back to maturity, eloquently calling Lindsay Lohan a
“firecrotch” after exchanging text messages a few days before
Christmas. It all supposedly began when Federline texted the
star and said “we should hang out.” The redhead wanted
nothing to do with the douchebag, which hurt the dancer’s
feelings. Sometimes it hurts so bad when you don’t get the
firecrotch you’re craving.
Black Cat (Washington, DC), and the Earl (Atlanta, GA). Left
off the list were New Brookland Tavern and Headliners. What
does Playboy know?
21st Century Digital Boy. Bad Religion’s bassist Jay
Bentley has announced that the band will try to release a new
album in June after rumors suggested it would be delayed
until 2008. Unfortunately, the record will probably sound just
like every other Bad Religion release. Then again, that may
be a good thing.
Paramore Is So Cute. Everybody’s favorite underaged
female fronted pop-punk excursion Paramore will be playing
Warped Tour this year. While most bands ask for tall boys of
PBR at the club, the guys and gal in Paramore are the only
ones that have ever asked me for pitchers of Sprite and sour.
According to the band I make the best Sprite and sours. Not
going to get sloshed guzzling those. Other announcements in
the Warperd Tour line-up include Bad Religion, Big D And The
Kids Table, K-Os, The Fabulous Rudies and Cute is What We
Aim For.
No More Golden Tee with my buddy and lead vocalist
of Bury Your Dead (Victory Records), Mat Bruso. The Boston
metal/hardcore outfit has confirmed the departure of the
singer and I will severely miss hanging out playing that stupid
game with someone way more sober than me. Bury Your
Dead has been forced to cancel their European tour with
Killswitch Engage.

I love Stewart Copeland! The United Kingdom’s
Mirror recently reported that The Police have been discussing
plans for a reunion scheduled sometime this summer. Of
course only wankers will be able to enjoy the bands’ return
after breaking ties in 1984. Supposedly, rehearsal dates have
been planned and the concerts will coincide with the release
of the band’s back catalogue through A&M Records.
Sebadoh is BACK! Lo-fi pioneers (out of
Northampton, Massachusetts) have announced their return
with a 33 date excursion this Spring beginning Feb. 26 in San
Diego. Looking to relive some memories? Naturally the band
will skip Columbia because no one really cares about them
here so you’ll have to trek over to Atlanta at the Variety
Playhouse on April 8.

We are the Champions. In a recent BBC radio poll, Mug Conor Oberst again. It’s been rumored that
music lovers voted Queen as the greatest British rock band of years ago Bright Eyes’ lame ass virtuoso, Conor Oberst was
all time. The bicycling enthusiasts edged the Beatles by 400 mugged in the alley between New Brookland Tavern and the
votes. The bands were judged on songwriting, lyrics, live per- current location of Cafe Strudel. Or maybe he was simply
formances, originality and showmanship. peed on in the alley just like my buddy the last time the
Suicide Girls came through town. Whatever the case, while
James Brown’s band, the Soul Generals got together everybody else is recapping the best albums of 2006 I’m
this past weekend in Augusta at the Soul Bar and vowed to going to forget that Bright Eyes’ Cassadaga hits store shelves
carry forward with Brown’s legacy. The informal jam session April 10.
lasted into the early hours Sunday morning and members of
the band said they hoped to continue playing together as a
tribute to the late star who died Christmas morning at the age About the author: Outside of being a photojournalist
of 73. Sean Rayford is a bartender at Columbia’s New Brookland
Tavern, a consistent tour stop for many indie and punk rock
Playboy playmates dig indie rock. Well, not really but bands across the nation. He enjoys taking their food orders
the magazine has put together a list of America’s best rock and making sure that they drink all the beer on their riders.
clubs. What the hell were they thinking? Associating sex and He can be reached at theangrywhale@yahoo.com
rock ‘n roll? Included in the list were: Emo’s (Austin, TX), The
JANUARY 3, 2007 17
 Jam Room
Recording Studio

Full Day of
Recording +
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18 JANUARY 3, 2007
 Out of Context
THE MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS FROM THE ANGRY WHALE IN 2006

Burns Out Bright during our most memorable collective moment of 2006 (outside of being in Louisianna on Fat Tuesday) just before a naked Stretch Arm Strong mosh pit.

“We hate stupid people and want them to kill them- thing to porn stars Have you seen that shit on the internet? The earth sharted and out we popped. We were the speck-
2006 WAS A GOOD selves. It’s mainly about apathy. If you’re not going to It’s disgusting.” les of dookie on the otherwise white underpants of the
YEAR TO HANG OUT give a shit about anything... save yourself a lifetime.” Andrew Carey - Evergreen Terrace world.”
DRINKING BEER Isaac Stone - Burns Out Bright Karate Todd - The Fancy Lads.
WHILE LISTENING TO “Being on a label; it’s awesome. You bust your ass
BANDS TALK ABOUT “You’ve got every band out there that’s horrible- for them and they sell your records. You eat cheese sand- “Jimmy was really-really shy when we were little and
RIDICULOUS SHIT. I not to mention any names, but like Hawthorne Heights. wiches and turkey pot pie and give everything you’ve got one day I came into school and he had left a picture of a
WENT BACK And then there are all those bands who I don’t know how every night so kids can stand around and be pretty with ninja warrior called Ruby Three on my desk and it had it’s
THROUGH THE they got signed. I don’t know who they went down on to each other and stand in your way.” stats: like height, weight, and powers and all that crap. And
CATALOGS OF THE get a record deal and that stuff is just eating up the Brien Worsham - Secret Lives of the Freemasons the rest is history.”
ANGRY WHALE AND music scene.” Len Clark - Colour Revolt
RELIVED A LOT OF Schuylar Croom - He is Legend “I remember the first show thinking people are going
GREAT NIGHTS WITH to hate this so much. This is going to be so great. Which “There’s a lot more to it than just being loud and
SOME REALLY GREAT “I don’t think anyone is going to be listening to logically fell on it’s face because it was a welcome breath
Hawthorne Heights in ten years... nobody is going to of fresh air.”
obnoxious. That’s not my goal.”
Steve Snere - These Arms Are Snakes
PEOPLE AND FELT give a fuck about any of that shit.” FM-Static - The Epoxies
COMPELLED TO Fran Mark - Biology/From Autumn to Ashes “Chris and I played in a band before called the
SHARE THOSE MEMO- “We are all really sick and tired of there being shitty Broadways and in our youthful idealism we were con-
RABLE MOMENTS “It’s like being in Hell and sitting under Satan’s nut bands in Columbia. Not that all of them are shitty. It just vinced it was going to become the most important band of
WITH THOSE OF YOU sack. It’s the hottest thing ever.” seems like this is a really safe town. People know what all time. Believe it or not it didn’t become the most impor-
HERE IN COLUMBIA. Brien Worsham - Secret Lives of the Freemasons works here and they just keep on doing it over and over tant band of all time. In fact all of a sudden we were like
SO HERE IT IS: MY again.” ‘wow, we’re a didactic preachy band of assholes.”
FAVORITE QUOTES “Natalie Portman. Actually I don’t want to bang her I Bryan Taylor - Rapist in the Choir/Burns out Bright Brendan Kelly - The Lawrence Arms
FROM INTERVIEWS just want to date her. There’s a lot of porn stars that I would
TAKEN COMPLETELY bang because I think they’re into the same kind of shit that “We’ve actually been together since we were all tod- “I don’t forget my lyrics anymore. I used to have to
OUT OF CONTEXT. I’m into. Like fisting and shit like that. If you get an actress dlers. We were raised in the British Isles - not quite sure have them in front of me on stage. That’s how fucking stu-
I don’t think she’s into that unless you get her really coked where exactly. We never knew our parents. Some people pid it was.”
PHOTOGRAPHY AND STORY up. Yea you could put a PBR tall boy... you could do any- say the earth opened up and shit-farted and out we came. Chris Broach - The Firebird Band/Braid
BY SEAN RAYFORD

JANUARY 3, 2007 19
 ARIES TAURUS
Your social life will suffer an Your musical talent will take
irreparable blow when you you the way of the great Elvis
download the “Wet Presley ...well, except for the
Flatulence” ringtone to your fame, fortune, and movie
mobile phone. deals. (Basically, it’s just the
dying on the toilet part).
GEMINI
While your intentions for
learning to play the banjo are
good, the fact that you have
so few teeth will only continue
to stigmatize the instrument.
CANCER
You will rethink your newfound
love when you buy a twelve
pack of condoms and she com-
ments: “Oooh, you bought a
year’s supply!”

LEO VIRGO LIBRA SCORPIO

It will suddenly dawn on you
why every Indie band gazes
pensively off to the left in their
promo photos: a very, very
sad looking squeaky toy.
Lawmakers will eventually ban
the sale of sex toys in South
Carolina, instantly turning the
sock drawers of SC legislators’
wives into crime scenes.
On the bright side, modern
science has finally found a
cure for your hideously disfig-
uring disease (or the one you
have yet to develop). Pity that
the drug will only be available
in a jumbo-sized suppository
form.
A bender in Vegas will screech
to a halt in a Disney-themed
chapel. During a brief flash of
sobriety, you will pull back the
veil to kiss your new bride, and
only then, in that lighting, will
you notice that she bears a
striking resemblance to Neil
Young.

SAGITTARIUS CAPRICORN AQUARIUS PISCES

You will fall into deep despair
after the closure of your
favorite health food restaurant.
I would recommend a self-help
book, but unfortunately
“Chicken Soup for the
Vegetarian’s Soul” doesn’t
exist.
You brought more than a T-
shirt home from Bike Week in
Myrtle Beach. The sunburn
and hangover will be relative-
ly easy to get rid of. The 200
lb. Hell’s Angel who has been
crashing on your couch won’t
be so easy to ditch.
Even though you believe that
wearing a Hawaiian shirt will
strip you of your dignity, trust
me, dude, you should totally
wear one to divorce court next
week.
You have a primer-colored cus-
tomized compact car that
sounds like a weed eater. This
Friday night you will rev your
engine at the corner of Greene
and Harden as a courtship dis-
play to females and to ward off
other competing bulls. The
message you will really send: “I
have a small pee pee.”

Jonesin’ Crosswords "Ribbed For Your Pleasure"-solving pleasure, I meant. BY MATT JONES

Across 56 It's heard by herders 32 Letters near the 7, on

1 Low-___ diet 57 Like some decals and some phones
5 Ironic short story writer patches 33 Nobel Peace Prize refuser
9 Brazilian rhythm in 2/2 58 Frankie who sang "Love Le ___ Tho
time, for short Is a Golden Ring" 35 "___ for apple..." (cereal
14 Away from the wind 60 They've got ribs jingle line)
15 Uncap 62 "From the top!" 36 Part of the nobility
16 "___ beginning..." 63 Note between VPs, say 37 Dog also known as a
17 It's got ribs 64 Another word for mar- German shepherd
19 More urgent garine 38 Flow counterpart
20 They may come with 65 Smarts 39 Cockpit occupant
attachments 66 Stuck in ___ 40 Leg bones
21 B'___ B'rith 67 "Freak on a Leash" band 44 Stand-in
23 E. ___ 45 Flat panel display type
24 Flip out Down 47 ___ Blahniks (chic shoes)
25 It's got ribs 1 Shelfmates of Marlboros 48 One who makes amends
27 Fast flyer, for short 2 Los ___ 49 Ted of "Help Me Help
28 Speed (by) 3 Meal You"
30 Affirmative vote 4 Give a false impression of 51 Braxton and Collette
31 Abbr. near a smiley 5 When pagans light bon- 52 Magic or Wilt, once
32 Walked nervously fires 54 Uncool
34 "Planet of the Apes" role 6 Chum of Tarzan 59 One way to go: abbr.
Dr. ___ 7 Alex's "Bill & Ted" costar 61 Ostrich relative
36 It's got ribs 8 Evil reputation
40 Total bull 9 Try on eBay ©2006 Jonesin' Crosswords
41 Ham radio enthusiasts 10 Reserved (editor@jonesincross-
42 Not Willie Nelson's 11 Enter as if nothing hap- words.com)
favorite org. pened For answers to this puzzle,
43 Recipe amt. 12 Pay painfully call: 1-900-226-2800, 99
46 "Incidentally," in Internet 13 Some antennas cents per minute. Must be
lingo 18 Helen Mirren's role in 18+. Or to bill to
47 Magazine with "The "The Queen" your credit card, call: 1-800-
Lighter Side of..." 22 The Cure's "Why Can't 655-6548. Reference puzzle
50 It's got ribs ___ You?" #0289.
53 Party crasher? 26 Perimeter deterrent
55 Golden Rule word 29 Chest muscle
20 JANUARY 3, 2007
Radio Free
PORN, PORN, PORN!
Cock. Tits. Balls. Cum. Anal. Pussy. Blowjob. Al-
Qaeda. Barack Obama. Okay, now that I have your atten-
tion, let the games begin.
So there I am in the Five Points Diner this past
Saturday night, gulfing down a Philly cheese steak, a bas-
ket of fries and a quarter-sliced dill pickle. Note how com-
fortable I am sharing with you the phallic geometry of my
sandwich, side and condiment.
Two drunk dickhead USC undergrads are sitting
beside me. Combined they have the IQ of a dead fern.
One of the dickheads dons a black COCKS ball cap.
A television is mounted on the corner wall, and an
Urban Nirvana day spa
commercial is airing. A
hot blonde DSL
“I am not diehard in my belief that a man who entertains
masseuse is slathering
slimy green seaweed
himself with lesbian porn is a homosexual. I simply like
cream all over the poste-
rior of an equally attrac-
screwing with the minds of dunderheaded frat boys”
tive brunette patron.
The following conversation ensues:
Dickhead One: “Sweet! Dude, check it out! Girl on
girl!”
Dickhead Two notices several female passersby
beyond the diner window. He reaches into his wallet, pulls
out a twenty dollar bill and waves it.
Dickhead Two: “Yo, ladies! Here’s a twenty to see
you French each other!”
Dickhead One [in a hushed tone]: “Smooch? I got a
fifty to see them lick clit.”
Dickhead One and Dickhead Two laugh merrily at
the prospect. God rues the day he created man.
Jaroslav Dampfstain [munching on Philly cheese
steak]: “Gentlemen, really, that sort of advertisement
should only erotically appeal to certain filamentous forms
of spirogyra. So how long have you two adolescents been
fondling each other’s scroti?”
Dialogue henceforth paraphrased.
Under normal conditions, Dickheads One and Two
might attempt, in puerile fashion, to flaunt their violent
maleness by such a threatening remark. But as I weigh
375 pounds and have arms the size of whiskey barrels,
even two lima beam-brained offalmeisters know better
than to come straight at me. [Probably a pun there, but
we’ll let it slide.]
Actually, a fairly interesting conversation ensued, in
which I espoused much of my lifetime-gathered philosophy
on the subject of pornography, part of which I am happy to
share with you, dear reader.
But first, I find it important to note that I can even
proffer public thoughts on porn. Imagine the South
Carolina of my youth not three decades ago: Although a
certain former Dixiecrat politician was diddling half the
legally-eligible females in the state, the notion of writing
about adults banging away for my private pleasure was
unfathomable.
But back to the subject at hand: I had just suggest-
ed to these two young men that they were fond of gracing
each other nightly with the devil’s kiss.
22 JANUARY 3, 2007
PHALLUS Savage
Love
BY JAROSLAV DAMPFSTAIN
SEX ADVICE COLUMN
BY DAN SAVAGE
My wife and I have been married four years, and we
both are bi. We've been propositioned by—and played
with—a number of sexy friends heteroflexible enough not
to want/need full swap. So our play with others has been
limited to oral and light petting.
We've now been approached by a very sexy couple,
a straight guy and bi female, who want to do a full hetero
swap. The male is not interested in any bi play. He is also
borderline overly intense about his attraction to my wife.
His wife is very hot, and playing with her could be fun.
Thing is, unlike cuckolds, I have a hang-up about anoth-
er guy doing the full hetero swap with my wife. Light pet-
ting and oral is fine, but I feel that saving something "just
for us" gives us an anchor in this sea of swingers.
Am I insecure? Should I open myself to the idea of
another guy screwing my wife? If we ever do the full
swap, how can we avoid the pitfalls of insecurity and jeal-
ousy? Will you please advise?
Swap Curious
Sure, SC, but the first bit of advice I wanna give you
is rhetorical. Only pre–Vatican II nuns and modern
I have long theorized that any man who asserts an bisexual: They have male or female genitalia and prefer Mormon virgins use the phrase "light petting." People are
exclusive enjoyment of female-on-female pornography is a specific, or mixed, modes of having them greased. going to have a hard time taking you seriously as
borderline, if not full-fledged, homosexual. Why? Because You don’t really need to heed the claims of a brilliant swingers—hell, they're going to have a hard time taking
pornography en absentia the cock is intended for a rather French philosopher, when any mutt in heat will do. I’m you seriously as nonvirgins—if you insist on saying "light
limited sexual audience: members of the lesbian mafia. sorry, but just because my basset hound Charley tries to petting" instead of "mutual masturbation" or "manual stim-
Penile presence is an axiom of ‘straight man porn’— hump my Hush Puppies doesn’t make him a foot fetishist. ulation."
or straight woman porn, for that matter. For the pornstar On a semi-related tangent, there is a group of As for "full hetero swap," well, that's pretty clunky,
cock serves as a vicarious vehicle of autoerotic, or shared, German sex addicts that enjoys rummaging the Black too, but it is a phrase that actual swingers use so I'm
heterosexual pleasure. Forest for trees with pliant knots with which they can erot- going to let it slide. In the Swinging Sea, "soft swap"
In a strange convergence of sacred and profane ically relish in—how shall I put this?—a Betula pendula bud
poles, the voyeur cock transforms into the cock of the burst. I swear I’m not making that up. means you only do oral and manual with others; "full
swap" means you do vaginal intercourse. So you're soft
other. The actor member is both narrator and protagonist Does this mean that these human beings are orient-
of the erotic epic, through which the viewer/reader learns ed, whether from birth or rearing, toward an exclusive life swappers contemplating full swapping, SC, not light pet-
ters.
of arborphilia? Of course not.
But I do wonder if anyone has
given thought to how Mr. White
Okay, on to your question...
Not all swingers seek to avoid insecurity and jeal-
Birch feels as he watches his
darling wife being porked by
ousy. Gently or aggressively manipulating those feelings
is, for many swingers, an intrinsic part of the thrill. But all
some strange Rhineland out-
doorsman.
swingers want to avoid the pitfalls of insecurity and jeal-
ousy. And how do they do it? By having frank, honest dis-
Oh my. How did I get cussions and setting clear, mutually acceptable bound-
of, and participates in, the story’s burgeoning beginning, from girls gone wild to tree f--kers? Back to the subject at aries. So long as you know what you're comfortable with,
Herculean middle and sticky denouement. hand. Literally. you and the wife should be able to safely navigate the
In short, a man who fears the on-screen dong is Pornography goes back as far as the historian can potentially treacherous emotional dynamics that are an
uncomfortable in the skin of his own sexuality. He thinks tell. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if, for all unavoidable aspect of swinging.
that deriving pleasure in the shadow of a sesquipedalian these years, the French government has been covering up Up to now your boundaries have worked out well:
schlong translates into a self-desire for penises, and thus an entire chamber of the Lascaux Caves covered with Manual stim and oral—soft swap—is okay; some other
he feels compelled to declare that the only X-rated scenes depictions of Ice Agers pleasuring bovine lovers. guy's dick pounding away at your wife's pussy—full
for him are one replete with labia. Many of the earliest Aegean ceramic pieces are plas- swap—is not okay.
As an aside, one of the true male stumbling blocks of tered with priapic scenes. Personally, I have always been Should you now abandon boundaries that have
lesbian pornography is the absence of a venereal Virgil to entertained by the thought of ancient Greek parties.
guide the voyeur male to the end; the Greek notion of Guests must have downed their wine-filled bullhead rhy- served you so well up to this point? Well, you wouldn't be
writing me, and you wouldn't be signing off as "Swap
‘telos’. Plain and simply, there is no obvious climactic tons as fast as possible to get to the bottom of the naughty
moment to end the fantastical affair. Like the Energizer double-penetration scene at the bottom of the host’s krater. Curious," if you weren't, you know, curious. (Insight like
that is why I get paid the big bucks.) But it sounds to me
Bunny, the encounter just keeps going and going and Of course, there is nothing new I can add to the
going. many histories of pornography. And, as everyone knows, like, as much as you might want to give full swap a try,
I am surprised that we never learn in the news of the a history of pornography is really pornography in the guise you're not sure you can wholly trust this guy. You describe
tragic end of some sexually-confused male masturbator, of history. him as "borderline overly intense" about his desire to fuck
caught in the calamitous Möbius strip of a girl-on-girl video. But porn is just something fun to write and read the living shit out of your wife. But at the same time, you
“He seemed like a perfectly normal neighbor, but he about. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have made it this far. seem attracted to his energy and, of course, to his wife.
just couldn’t figure out when to end. Death by masturba- Deep down, there isn’t a one of us who doesn’t hope So what do you do?
tion must be very difficult for a mother to bear.” for an afternoon alone, in which to revel in some sort of Test them. Suggest to this other couple that, at first,
Actually, I’m not sure I was all that eloquent. I might self-gratifying erotic fantasy, be it Favio novels or Jenna you would like to play under your current rules: soft swap
have just told the Two Dickheads something along the Jameson vid-clips or Unzipped photo spreads. only, but no bi play, since he's not into that. If this other
lines of, “Being aroused while watching someone else’s I am not discounting the actual sexual encounter. guy really wants your wife that badly, he should be thrilled
erect penis is horribly threatening to you. It makes you But how many of us are privy to a real-life sexual experi- to get a crack at her even if he doesn't get to fuck her. If
think you’re gay, so you retreat to an Amazonian fantasy ence that transcends our own physical limitations, be it after agreeing to a night of oral and manual this other guy
world to assert your maleness. What’s your dream car?” attractiveness, place in history, or general lack of suave- verbally suggests upgrading to full swap midscene, well,
This question caught both Dickheads off-guard. ness required to pick up four bronzed Rio beach babes? he gets an F. If he physically attempts to upgrade to the
“A Hummer,” Dickhead Two blurted. As far as I’m concerned, what could be better than a full hetero—if he attempts to initiate vaginal intercourse—
I swallowed the rest of my pickle and grinned, “Case few playful hours alone at home with me, myself, my solip- he gets an F-.
solved.” sistic dick and Nikki Dial? What a fabulous foursome.
In truth, I am not diehard in my belief that a man who Oh, and don’t forget: the vicarious cock whom I must But if this other couple demonstrates that they can
respect your boundaries before you agree to shift them,
entertains himself with lesbian porn is a homosexual. I become.
simply like screwing with the minds of dunderheaded frat well, then they might be good candidates for satisfying
your curiosity about full swap.
boys.
But I am a firm disbeliever in finite sexual categories, Mr. Dampfstain is filling in [please don’t read into that] for
such as the concept of ‘sexual orientation.’ As Michel columnist Harry S. Larch, who is on assignment this week savage@savagelove.net
Foucault teaches us, the notion of ‘sexuality’ is a modern in Amsterdam. talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
construct. People are not homosexual or heterosexual or
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24 JANUARY 3, 2007