Dear Mohit, you can also start the essay with an anecdote, it will help you to fuel your

imagination and come up with a novel aspect. This will make your
essay more desirable. To go beyond what is known is the context of the topic.

How is it a path of destiny ?

Why the later aspect is preferred ?

Venturing into the unknown vs following the path taken by the others.
Unsecured vs tried and tested.

Explain and analyze as why most of the population tends to follow rather than being an example.
 What is this fear is all about ?

Too strong of a statement. Avoid such explicit statements.

Instead you can add an example of personalities who deviated from the most followed path and created a niche for himself/herself.

Changed the course of mankind for a greater good.

Here you can add examples of the reformers from India early 19th
century India.
Raja Ramohan Roy
Ishwar Chandra Vidyasagar
 Foundation of western
philosophy was laid

Dear Mohit, you have added quite a few examples from diverse
aspects but explained none in a holistic manner. It will be better if you add a
single example/illustration and then explain the intricacies of following the
unknown path and the satisfaction in the achievement of something that no one
has ever done.

You have to be very specific with your content. Merely stating the names and related events won't suffice. The analysis part is very important.Make
sure you add one with your explanation.

Citing an example from the recent times will also add value to your essay and will make it more desirable(one would easily connect with it)
What are the aspects behind one venturing for new horizons ?
Unsatisfied with the present situation ?
Hunger for knowing the unknown ?
Changing the social order for the betterment of all.

Dear Mohit, you

are highlighting
the same point
again but not
explaining the
reason behind it..
You have to
analyze and
explain the
reason behind it.

Is going against the normal and mostly followed path is always correct ?

Do the path taken by many is not conducive ?

Why can't following the path and transform it for something new ?
Cite examples. Use examples where same path is followed with new
approach that revolutionized the entire aspect.

Dear Student, adding an illustration by
yourself will give you the opportunity to
stretch your imagination and provide a
novel outlook to the problem at hand
Why failures are more than success stories when you venture to the unknown ?
Cite examples
Dear Mohit, you are highlighting the
same aspect again.
Add diverse aspects like ease in
taking the followed path,no hardships
Sense of security of present and future:
as the remedies are well known from
Here you can add an illustration by yourself
the people who already followed it.
It is not that every old and followed path is redundant and full of difficulties. Change with the time and requirement is what
what one aspires for. Answering to the demand of the situation.
 Dear Mohit, your approach to the essay is satisfactory but your essay is not complete. You have
25/125 marks
highlighted the same factor time and again and restrained yourself from venturing into some new
aspect. In your words you have not ventured to the uncharted territories. To take a new path is not
appreciable even as per present context - why ?. You have to analyze this and add examples.
- Context: Identified but not addressed completely
Why there is a strange sense of satisfaction when one follows a already taken path. What governs all
- Content: Requires value addition.
these.You have not cited data/reports/quotes in your essay.. Regarding essay structuring there is
- Structure: Divide your essay into parts and make sure
absence of continuity in your essay, no two paragraphs complimented each other. Same point
that your explanation is followed by analysis.
presented multiple times without any value addition. Kindly refer to the highlighted points and update
- Language: Choice of words are good, but same words
your essay.
used repeatedly that led to monotonous sentences.
#Make a mind map before proceeding to write your essay, it will be helpful for both content
- Presentation: Could be better.
management and essay structuring.
always cite source of your data.

Made connection from one corner to the

other corner possible. An event happening in
any remote place in the earth has the
potential to create ripples another part.

Good point, elaborate this.

What about the

counter effect of it ?
Dear Mohit, please make sure to add novel aspects in your essay. A new idea and approach is always welcomed in an essay and makes it more desirable.

This section needs extensive value addition. Add examples/illustrations in support.

Like that of a village women who can sell her handicrafts through the use of social media-
gave her the equality of getting noticed and recognized all over the world for her work and
not through advertisements. Similarly you can add the example of new political groups who
are amassing the support through the spread of their ideas through social media.

Relevancy as per the context of the topic ??

Explain accordingly

What are the new aspects that brought these changes ?

Highlight the importance of communication becoming more prominent between the government and the general population.
 Power of social
media

Ideas, approach, views, contentions are spread rapidly.

One reason is mode of communication can be

any language and shared also.
Aspect of ensuring democracy through helding accountable the government: Cite any recent current events in support.

What common ground can be inferred

from these events ?
Good point- Highlight what components of social media made this
possible ?

Dear Mohit, you are

highlighting only the
consequences, what
resulted into those
consequences needs to
be mentioned first.
 Things have positively started changing due to
social media. Add illustration/example in support
of it.

Social media has

helped to make the
government more
accountable but itself is
not.
No accountability and liability of the views shared and expressed

Unidentified and
masked sources are
capable to inciting
violence within few
minutes sitting in one
corner of the world and
making situation worse
in another corner.
Ecosystem

Like ?Add
examples and its
role in
destabilizing the
democratic
principles and
fundamentals.

Analogy can be a better one.

Inculcating the values enshrined in our constitution within an individual

 Proper regulations
and legislations
required.

How ?

Repetitive point.

Dear Mohit, I had to read the essay multiple times to come

to a conclusion. The content in the essay is full of
information and varied aspects but the analysis and cause
26/125 marks
and effect scenario is not highlighted as it should have been
considering the wide ambit of the topic. The equality aspect
The factor that makes a reader glued to the essay was missing, mainly because of
has such wide connotation which you have not successfully
the lack of perspectives presented by you. You just highlighted the effects of social
utilized. The democracy aspect highlighted is satisfactory
media. Kindly refer to the the above highlighted points and update your essay.
but could have been much better considering the examples
- Context: Identified but not addressed completely
you have put. An essay fetches good marks based on the
- Content: Lack of proper explanation of the topics mentioned in the question.
presentation and analysis of already known things. How you
Needs extensive value addition.
can add a new lease of life into it ? The basics that you have
- Structure: There was no proper division in your essay and too many important aspects
provided in your essay is excellent for the formation of a
clubbed together.
complete essay but you did not interconnected the aspects
- Language: Choice of words are praiseworthy. Sentence formation is satisfactory.
and made it more mechanical with answer writing aspects.
- Presentation: Can be better, you could have added more data/reports and maybe some quotes.