QUIAPON, Aureen Mae A.

Speech 153
2019-05465 Prof. Melanie Leano

Can We Still be Friends?:

A Case Study on Staying Friends Among Former Romantic Partners

Background of the Study & Review of Related Literature

There are strong reasons as to why partners who break up still try to remain friends. In all
relationships that happen to not work out, it can be said that for every person that works hard to
salvage the good and forget the bad, there is another who would rather move on and never look
back at the past. In spite of that, there are those who try to work together to not just remain civil
but actually still be close friends. This is commonly seen in romantic partners who try to build or
maintain friendships even after cutting their romantic ties with each other.
As learned, romantic relationships are often defined as having a linear trajectory (Kellas,
Bean, Cunningham, & Cheng, 2008), with at least four (4) defined phases which are initiation,
development, maintenance, and dissolution (Knapp, 1984). This suggests that once the pair goes
through the phase of dissolution, the relationship is over and all ties are cut. Although this is not
always the case because some couples replace their romantic relationships with friendship.
Being friends with your ex-romantic partner is not a new phenomenon or concept. It has
been done by many couples but it has also been avoided by a number as well. While many try to
maintain a good platonic relationship with one another, those who choose not to do so do it for
good reasons. This has then led the researcher to believe that developing a platonic relationship
with your former romantic partner is possible but is not always desirable. Relationships do not
have a one size fits all protocol—it is highly personal hence why what happens in
post-dissolution is reliant on different factors that also consist of their past romantic relationship.
In accordance with this, existing literature examining these post-breakup relationships
suggests that there are three (3) factors that influence a pair’s decision as to if they will or will
not remain as friends after their separation. These are: 1) the number of relational investments
(Stanley, Rhoades & Markman, 2006); 2) disengagement behaviors used in the breakup process
(Banks, Altendorf, Greene, & Cody, 1987); and 3) relational quality prior to the breakup
(Rhoades, Kamp Dush, Atkins, Stanley, & Markman, 2011).
 Despite these factors being personal and different amongst couples, one thing is for sure:
the questions of whether and how to stay friends with a former romantic partner are complex and
universal (Griffith, 2017). Even as you scan through different online forums on Facebook
groups, Reddit sub-groups, or even articles, it seems as if everyone is torn between creating
another form of relationship or just completely terminating it. Aside from the factors previously
mentioned, Rebecca Griffith (2017) also discovered four (4) main reasons as to why former
romantic partners may want to seek a platonic relationship: 1) for civility (i.e., wanting the
separation to hurt less); 2) for reasons relating to unresolved romantic desires (i.e. wanting to see
other people but also having a “safety net”); 3) for practicality (i.e. being a good team so you try
to stay in touch); and 4) for security (i.e, having trust in the other person and wanting them to
still be part of one’s life).
Given the emotional significance of romantic and friendship-based ties, relationships that
transition from one to another are important to analyze. While it could be the case that these
friendships should be avoided it is also equally possible that these friendships relieve the
negative aspects of a breakup and ultimately serve a positive purpose for both parties (Griffith,
Gillath, Zhao & Martinez, 2017).
Research Problem and Objectives
As people continue to create romantic ties, it is inevitable to say that some of them might
not work out the way they plan them to be. That said, some people resort to maintaining a
friendly relationship with their exes even after dissolution. Although, it is important to note that
this is not always the case due to the complexities it may bring. With the obvious benefits and
risks brought about by being friends with your ex-romantic partners, this study aims to touch
upon the following objectives:
1. To discover the reasons why romantic partners may or may not wish to have a platonic
relationship;
2. To analyze what factors are considered in maintaining a platonic relationship with one’s
former romantic partner; and
3. To find out what boundaries are usually set among former romantic partners when
forming a platonic relationship
In this case study, the researcher aims to answer the problem on how and why former
romantic partners choose to develop an intimate friendship with one another despite the
challenges they had encountered as a romantic pair.
Presentation and Analysis of the Case
As mentioned in the introduction, there are three (3) main factors that influence a pair’s
decision on whether they are to rebuild a friendship after their romantic separations. To prove
this, the researcher of this study interviewed three couples. The following table presents their
general details:

CATEGORY COUPLE A COUPLE B COUPLE C

Status Friends Not friends but civil Not friends at all

Status BEFORE Friends Not Friends Not Friends

Romantic
Relationship

Gender Identity Cisgender Cisgender Cisgender

Pseudonym of Male Mark Vince Johnny

Pseudonym of Sarah Patty Lisa

Female

Age Both 25 years old Both 20 years old Female is 28 years

old; Male is 30 years
old

Location Both in Quezon Female in Alabang; Female in Manila;

City Male in Quezon City Male in USA

Length of Romantic 3 years 1.5 years 5 years

Relationship

Relational Investments
Previous research states that shared lifestyles and the number of relational investments
influence the decision of former romantic partners after a breakup (Emery & Dillon, 1994;
Rhoades et al., 2011) on whether or not they will remain as friends. Stanley et al. (2006) stated
that relational investments are the shared aspects of a relationship; they may or may not include
tangible properties like a house or even intangible ones like inside jokes, sexual activity, and
social support. In the case of Couple A, they decided to maintain a friendship since they had a
small e-commerce business. Additionally, they used to live together hence much of their lives
were merged prior to breaking up—they had pets and family relations to also take care of. On the
other hand, Couple B decided to cut ties since they did not have much in common or owned
mutual investments. For them, separating was not done intentionally but since they did not have
anything to bind them together, they eventually fell out of it. When asked if they would have
tried to be friends after the breakup, Vince said:
“Para sa akin, no need. ‘Di naman sa ayaw ko but, for what pa? We
parted ways for a reason and I don’t think healthy pa if magiging friends kami
after that. No hate naman sa mga nagststay as friends pero para sa akin, ‘di na
kailangan yun. Tsaka, wala naman kaming shared responsibility on anything kaya
no reason to stay in touch.”
As it is known to be, a breakup often means a complete separation—physically and
emotionally—which allows individuals to terminate future contact. However, this can be limited
due to the former partners' shared lifestyles and elements such as having the same circle of
friends, their children, going to the same school or workplace, etc. (Emery & Dillon, 1994;
Rhoades et al., 2011). In line with this, Sarah, from Couple A, mentioned that they maintained a
friendship mainly for their business. They figured it would be difficult for them to continue on
with their business if they were not on good terms considering that they were technically
working in the same workplace. Mark then agreed to this saying that their friendship was vital in
keeping their business booming. As for Couple C, it was easy for them to avoid future
interactions because they broke up right after Johnny migrated to the United States. According to
Lisa, although the separation was bad, in the end, she realized that his migration to a different
country made it easier since there were fewer chances for them to interact with each other.

Disengagement Behaviors
The decision to maintain these friendships can be directly affected by the disengagement
strategies employed during the breakup process as stated by Banks et al. (1987) and Cody
(1982). These strategies include providing a full explanation of the reason(s) for terminating the
romantic relationship neglecting the partner and avoiding future contact. Patty from Couple B
said that the way their relationship ended did not have much direct closure. As she said:
“When we broke up, parang applicable talaga yung no closure is
closure…Our relationship did not last kasi from the get-go, hirap talaga kami
magcommunicate and that did not change kahit sa dulo.”
Research shows that individuals who engaged in such practices were more likely to
maintain some level of closeness and intimacy post-dissolution than those who did not (Banks et
al., 1987) and Patty and Vince are great examples of this. As for Couple A, they ended their
relationship smoothly because as Patty mentioned, Mark was clear and straight to the point. He
practiced de-escalating behaviors which included expressing his interest in changing the
relationship dynamic but was also able to emphasize the possibility of a modified future
relationship rather than just completely cutting ties with one another (Banks et al., 1987). As
Mark said:
“I did not want din na mabigla siya kasi nung time na yun, parang friends
nalang din naman talaga kami. The break up was just needed para di namin
dalawa mafeel na nasasakal kami tas in the end, baka madamay pa yung meron
kami like our business. When I told her na gusto ko nalang maging friends, I
clarified also why.”
This tells us that in relationships, it is vital to have conversations that clarify what you
want, especially as you part ways. While closure is not guaranteed, it is still better to have an
idea of how each party feels. This was employed in the break-up for Couple C since Lisa was
able to clarify right away that she was not ready for a long-distance relationship. From the
beginning, she was already honest and laid out a plan for them to follow. She says:
“Call it selfish but I never considered being friends with him if ever we broke up.
Not because hindi maganda pinagsamahan namin but I just don’t make friends
with any of my exes regardless of how the relationship was. When he told me he
was moving for work, I already told him that I would not get in the way but I
cannot stay also and he said that it was clear and fair for him also.”
In Couple C’s dynamic, it can be seen that despite the possibility of a friendship, it was
still decided by the two parties that it would be better for them to completely ties instead. As
mentioned, this is a practice already done by Lisa and she also adds that she never felt regret
from not being friends with her exes up to this date.

Relational Quality
The term relationship satisfaction is used to describe an individual’s perception of a
relationship as enjoyable, rewarding, and high quality. As the tactics employed during the
breakup process may influence the viability of friendships post-breakup, so does the quality of
the relationship prior to the breakup (Bullock, 2011; Rhoades et al., 2011). As per the interview
with Couple B, both of them expressed their dissatisfaction with their romantic relationship.
From constant arguments to completely not talking about their issues, they did feel satisfied with
their relationship. As compared to Couple A, they would say that it was satisfying but not in the
way romantic relationships should be since they were again, just like friends even with the
boyfriend/girlfriend label. Although, since they were on good terms and they had a lot of love
still left for each other—just not romantic—they decided to continue with a healthier relationship
which is friendship. Research shows that the more satisfied individuals are with their partners
during the relationship, the more likely they are to engage in friendship maintenance after the
romantic aspect of the relationship has come to a close (Bullock, 2011; Rhoades et al., 2011).
This can be seen in the relationship of Couple A wherein their falling out led to the start of an
even better relationship. Although this can be quite different for Couple C since despite having a
satisfying relationship, they still decided to terminate it fully post-dissolution. When asked why,
Johnny said:
“From my end, I knew it would be easier for the both of us to move on if
we did not have any form of contact. As I said, masaya kami nun and if we
continued to talk even just as friends, baka magkatendency na pilitin ko pa siya to
go into a long distance relationship kahit aware ako na in the first place ayaw
niya. Pangit rin naman kasi yun.”
To conclude the interviews conducted, the researcher asked the participants to rank the
four reasons given by Griffth (2017) as mentioned in the introduction. Their answers point to
security and practicality as the top reasons as to why they would consider being friends with their
former romantic partners. Mark says:
 “As mentioned, a huge reason as to why Sarah and I remained friends is
for our business. In that way, mas practical for us to be friends dahil mas hassle
maghanap ng bagong business partner. While, oo naging okay naman kami
sexually and civil kami sa isa’t isa, it does not play that big of a role as to kung
magiging magkaibigan ba kami or hindi.”
This is also the same case for Couple B. In the interview, Patty says:
“Well, in our case kasi di talaga kami okay but if sabihin natin in an
alternate ending okay yung pagtatapos, my reason would probably be for
practicality din. Isipin mo kasi. You’ve already spent a chunk of your life with that
person—kilala ka na from your likes and dislikes, ano ginagawa mo, ano
schedule mo daily, sayang naman if bigla mo nalang din illet go.”
When Johnny from Couple C was asked, he said:
“Para sakin security kasi among all of the four, this helps cultivate the other
qualities you look for in a friend like trust, honesty, yung mga ganun. If you don’t
feel secure with that person, then it will be difficult or even impossible for you to
form a genuine friendship.”
This shows that ultimately security and practicality are great reasons as to why couples
choose to stay together platonically. Ultimately, couples can then be friends after breaking up but
it is still very dependent on a lot of factors like how the relationship ended, their willingness to
make it work, etc. To close, Vince said:
“Kung bibigyan naman kami ng chance maging okay, ‘di ko naman
itatanggi yun. We had a good time and sad lang talaga na ‘di namin yun natuloy
even as friends. While nandun yung desire to still be on good terms, minsan kasi
‘di talaga kaya.”
This is a great way to showcase how couples need to have their own sort of introspection
when it comes to deciding on their future as a pair—whether it be to continue with their romantic
ties, cut it and be friends, or completely terminate it.
Summary
Coming from friends to lovers and back to friends can be complicated—these shifts are
not for everyone. In this case study, the researcher has given its readers an example of a
relationship that might not just simply end with Knapp’s Termination Stage or DeVito’s
Dissolution. In this, the dynamics change since they are once again building another relationship
between themselves.
In today’s society, people live with the idea that one of the ultimate signs of maturity is
being friends with your ex-romantic partner but truthfully, that may not always be the case. As
what was presented in this case study, it is different from one couple to another. Being friends
with their former partner may have worked for Couple A but it was also seen how it did not work
for Couples B and C.
Needless to say, deciding whether a person should be friends with their ex is a
complicated and highly personal decision because completely letting go of someone you love is a
painful process. In such relationships, it is important for both parties to regularly reassess their
relationship because ultimately, their friendship should still remain beneficial. In the case that it
is not, maybe it really is time to let go.
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