Love and Commitment

Are you a good girlfriend/boyfriend material? What is Commitment?

 Dependability - You make yourself available when  Willingness to work through problems and conflicts
someone needs support, advice, a shoulder to cry on, or as opposed to calling it quits when problems arise
confidence boost.  Involves consciously investing in the relationship
 Trustworthiness - You can be trusted to keep  “Regularly, routinely, and predictably attend to each
confidential matters to private other and their relationship no matter how they
 Honesty - You tell the truth and make your true feel”
feelings known
 Loyalty - You stick with someone through thick and Committing oneself to another person involves
thin working to develop a relationship “where experiences
 Patience - You accept people despite their cover many areas of personality; where problems are
imperfections and limitations worked through; where conflict is expected and seen as a
 Understanding - You are open-minded, sympathetic and normal part of the growth process; and where there is an
considerate expectation that the relationship is basically viable and
 Self-reliance - You are mature enough to stand on your worthwhile” (Altman and Taylor 1973, pp. 184-87; Amato
feet. 2007)

Committed lovers have fun together; they also share

What is Love?
 A miracle
 Comes in many forms
 Makes the world go round
 Depends upon our experiences
Romantic love can be defined in multiple ways. For
example, one definition might be that romantic love is a
strong emotional bond with another person that involves
sexual desire, a longing to be with the person, a
preference to put other person’s interest ahead of one’s
own, and a willingness to forgive the other person’s
transgressions. (Amato, 2007, p. 206)
Loving involves the acceptance of partners for
themselves and “not for their ability to change themselves
or to meet another’s requirements to play a role” (Dahms
1976, p. 100)
People are free to be themselves in a loving
relationship, and to expose their feelings, frailties, and
strengths (Armstrong 2003)
Related to this acceptance is caring, or empathy –
the concern a person has for the partner’s growth and the
willingness to “affirm (the partner’s) potentialities” (May
1975, p. 116; Jaksch 2002)
more tedious times. They express themselves freely and
authentically (Smalley 2000)
Committed partners view their relationship as worth
keeping, and they work to maintain it despite difficulties
or disagreements (Amato 2007; Love 2001)
Triangular Theory of Love
Components to Authentic Love
 Passion – sexual or romantic attraction
 Intimacy – a deep sense of attachment, and a dynamic
of sharing
 Commitment – willingness to not only maintain the
relationship, but also let it grow
Liking / Friendship
 Infatuated Love – intense and overpowering but is
short-lived
 PASSION
 Empty Love – you see the other person in your future,
but no significant sharing of personal stories and no
sexual attraction
 COMMITMENT
 Romantic Love – passion is felt intensely and when it is
accompanied by sharing of personal stories, it may feel
like a love that will last.
 INTIMACY
  PASSION chemistry between us” (Hendrick, Hendrick, and
 Companionate Love – marriage and long-term relationship Dicke 1998).
 INTIMACY 2. Storge (STOR-gay) is an affectionate companionate
 COMMITMENT style of loving. This love style focuses on
 Fatuous Love – good sexual relationship, and a will to deepening mutual commitment, respect, friendship
commit over time, and common goals. Storgic lovers’ basic
 PASSION attitudes to their partners are one of familiarity:
 COMMITMENT “I’ve known you a long time, seen you in many
 Consummate Love – an ideal love; You are each other’s moods” (Lee 1973, p.87). Storgic lovers are likely
best friend, never dwindle on your decision to spend your to agree that “I always expect to be friends with
lives together the one I love” (Hendrick, Hendrick, and Dicke
 INTIMACY 1998).
 COMMITMENT
 PASSION 3. Pragma (PRAG-mah) is the root word for pragmatic.
Pragmatic love emphasizes the practical element in

Six Love Styles (Lee) human relationships and rational assessment of a

potential partner’s assets and liabilities. Arranged
Relationships evidence different characteristics or
marriages are often examples of pragma. So is a
personalities. John Alan Lee (1973) classified six love
person who decides very rationally to get married
styles, initially based on interviews with 120 white,
to a suitable partner. The following is one LAS
heterosexual respondents of both gender. Lee
statement that measures pragma: “A main
subsequently applied his typology to same-sex
consideration in choosing a partner is/was how
relationships (Lee 1981). Researchers then developed a
he/she would reflect on my family” (Hendrick,
Love Attitudes Scale (LAS): eighteen to twenty-four
Hendrick, and Dicke 1998).
questions that measure Lee’s typology (Hendrick,
Hendrick, and Dicke 1998). Although not all subsequent
4. Agape (ah-GAH-pay) is a Greek word meaning “love
research has found all six dimensions, this typology of love
feast”. Agape emphasizes unselfish concern for a
styles has proven to be more than hypothetical, and may
beloved’s needs even when that requires personal
even have cross-cultural relevance (Lacey et al. 2004; Le
sacrifice. Often called altruistic love, agape
2005; Masanori, Daibo, and Kanemasa 2004).
emphasizes nurturing others with little conscious
Love styles are sets of distinctive characteristics
desire for a return other than the intrinsic
that loving or lovelike relationships take, the word lovelike
satisfaction of having loved and cared for someone
is included in this definition because not all love styles
else. Agapic lovers would likely agree that “I try to
amount to genuine loving as this chapter defines it. People
always help my partner through difficult times”
may incorporate different aspects of several styles into
(Hendrick, Hendrick, and Dicke 1998).
their relationships. What are Lee’s six love styles?
1. Eros (AIR-ohs) is a Greek word meaning “love”; it
5. Ludus (LEWD-us) focuses on love as play for fun.
forms the root of our word erotic. This love style
Ludus emphasizes the recreational aspects of
is characterized by intense emotional attachment
sexuality and enjoying many sexual partners rather
and powerful sexual feelings or desires. When
than searching for one serious relationship. Of
erotic couples establish sustained relationships,
course, ludic flirtation and playful sexuality may be
these are characterized by continued emotionally
part of a more committed relationship based on
intense sexual interest. A sample question on the
one of the other love styles. LAS questions
Love Attitudes Scale (LAS) designed to measure
designed to measure ludus include the following: “I
eros asks repondents to agree or disagree with the
enjoy playing the game of love with a number of
following: “My partner and I have the right
 different partners” (Hendrick, Hendrick, and  Once a youngster’s attachment style is established, she
Dicke 1998). or he unconsciously applies that style, or “state of mind”,
tp later adult relationships.
6. Mania, a Greek word, designates a wild or violent  A child’s primary caretakers (usually parents and most
mental disorder, an obsession, or a craze. Mania often the mother) evoke a style of attachment in him or
involves strong sexual attraction and emotional her.
intensity, as does eros. However, mania differs  Children who can trust that a caretaker will be there to
from eros in that manic partners are extremely attend to their practical and emotional needs develop a
jealous and moody, and their need for attention secure attachment style.
and affection is insatiable. Manic lovers alternate  Children who feel uncared for or abandoned develop
between euphoria and depression. The slightest either an insecure/anxious or an avoidant attachment
lack of response from a love partner causes style.
anxiety and resentment. Manic lovers would be
likely to say, “When my partner doesn’t pay Secure Attachment Style
attention to me, I feel sick all over” or “I cannot In adulthood, a secure attachment style involves
relax if I feel my partner is with someone else” trust that the relationship will provide ongoing emotional
(Hendrick, Hendrick, and Dicke 1998). Because one and social support (Fletcher 2002; Hazan and Shaver
of its principal characteristics is extreme jealousy, 1987, 1994).
we may learn of manic love in the news when a
relationship ends violently. Of Lee’s six love styles, Insecure/Anxious Attachment Style
mania least fits our definition of love, described An insecure/anxious attachment style entails
earlier. concern that the beloved will disappear, a situation often
characterized as a “fear of abandonment” with consequent
How do these love styles influence relationship possible negative behaviors such as unwarranted jealousy
satisfaction and continuity? Psychologists Marilyn or attempts to control one’s partner.
Montgomery and Gwendolyn Sorell (1997) administered
the LAS to 250 single college students and married adults Avoidant Attachment Style
of all ages. They found that eros can last throughout Someone with an avoidant attachment style dodges
marriage and is related to high satisfaction. Agape is also emotional closeness either by avoiding relationships
positively associated with relationship satisfaction altogether or demonstrating ambivalence, seeming
(Neimark 2003). Interestingly, Montgomery and Sorell preoccupied, or otherwise establishing distance in intimate
found storge to be important only in marriages with situations (Fletcher 2002; Rauer and Volling 2007).
children. Ludus did not necessarily diminish relationship
satisfaction among those who are mutually uncommitted.
Three Things Love Isn’t
However, ludic attitudes have been empirically associated
Martyring
with diminished long-term relationship and marital
 Involves maintaining relationships by consistently
satisfaction (Le 2005: Montgomery and Sorell 1997).
minimizing one’s own needs while trying to satisfy those
of one’s partner
Attachment Theory  Excessive self-sacrifice or martyring is unworkable.
Attachment Theory  A martyr’s reluctance to express his or her needs is
 Posits that during infancy and childhood a young person damaging to a relationship, for it prevents openness and
develops a general style of attaching to others intimacy
(Ainsworth 1967; Ainsworth et.al 1978; Bowlby 1982,
1988; Bretherton 1992; Fletcher 2002) Manipulating
 “If I can get her [or him] to do what I want done, then
I’ll be sure she [or he] loves me”.
 Means seeking to control the feelings, attitudes, and
behavior of your partner or partners in underhanded
ways rather than by directly (not abusively!) stating
your case
 When not getting their way, manipulators are likely to
find fault with a partner, sometimes with a verbal
abuse.
 “You don’t really love me.”
 Manipulating. Like martyring, can destroy a relationship.

Limerence
 First, limerence is not just “lust” or sexual attraction.
People in limerence fantasize about being with the
limerent object in all kinds of situations – not just sexual
ones.
 Second, many of us have experienced limerence.
 Third, limerence can possibly turn into genuine love, but
more often than not, it doesn’t

People discover love; they don’t simply find it. The term
discovering implies a process – developing and maintaining a
loving relationship require seeing the relationship as
valuable, committing to mutual needs, satisfaction, and
self-disclosure, engaging in supportive communication, and
spending time together.