Polyamory and

Feelings
An attempt from once a
long time ago (results may
vary)
Feelings Don’t Change If a Relationship Is
Poly as Opposed to Mono
You are still going to experience love, need, hurt, jealousy and more.

The only difference is the rules of the relationship. The feelings are still going to be
there and still need to be taken care of
But Let’s Start at the Beginning
What is a relationship?

What is a romantic relationship?

What is a crush versus a romance?

What is a sexual relationship?

What is a sexual but not romantic relationship?

What is expected in a romantic relationship?

What is expected in a sexual but not romantic relationship?

What is a Relationship?
A relationship is a bond held between two or more people

Often people use the word relationship to refer to a romantic relationship when
really it could refer to any type of bond between two people.

For the sake of this slideshow and talks about relationships we will define it as any
bond strong enough that you would consider them part of your constellation (or poly
network, or harem, or however you choose to refer to it)
What is a Romantic Relationship?
There are two key concepts we need to understand in order to define romantic love

The Triangular Theory of Love

The Relationship Escalator

The Triangular Theory of Love
Created by Robert Sternberg during his time as a professor of Psychology at Yale

Posits that there are 3 core elements of love

Intimacy

Passion

Commitment
Intimacy
To quote Sternberg Intimacy is "feelings of closeness, connectedness, and
bondedness in loving relationships"

This does not mean romance. It just means feeling close and attached to a certain
person. You can and do have intimacy in platonic love.
Passion
Passion is "the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual
consummation, and related phenomena in loving relationships"

Three further explanations/definitions are as follows

1. A strong feeling of excitement or enthusiasm about someone or something

2. A strong feeling (such as anger) that causes one to act in a dangerous way
3. A strong sexual or romantic feeling for someone

Basically, it is your natural urge to mate and the feelings that urge then creates to
facilitate mating
Commitment
Commitment is "the decision that one loves a certain other" and "one's commitment
to maintain that love."

Three further explanations/definitions

1. A promise to do or give something

2. A promise to be loyal to someone or something
3. The attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something

This is the decision to work and grow together. This is the decision to be a team, to be a couple, to be figure
skating partners, whatever. It means you are going to be with this person, and that you are going to put in the
time and effort to grow this relationship and to grow within it.

It is defining the relationship/the other person as a high priority.

The Fusions of These Elements
There are many ways for these elements to combine and create various forms of
love and relationship.

In the next few slides we shall name the types of love, see the triangle, see the table
and the formulas for these types of love and place them in three categories:
Romantic, Sexual, and Platonic
The Table
Intimacy Passion Commitment

Non love

Liking X

Infatuated X

Empty X

Crush X X

Companionate X X

Fatuous X X

Consummate X X x
The Formulas
Intimacy: I Passion: P Commitment: C

0=Non-love

I=Liking

P=Infatuated

C=Empty

I+P=Crush

I+C=Companionate

P+C=Fatuous

I+P+C=Compassionate
The Triangle
Sorting the Triangle
Now we are going to sort these types of love into three categories: Romantic, Sexual,
and Platonic

Partners may choose to set limits on the kinds of other relationships that they may
have with others. In most monogamous couples, other romantic and sexual
relationships are off limits
Know your Fusion
Romantic Romantic Sexual Platonic

- Focuses on the interplay of Consummate Infatuation Liking

Commitment
Fatuous Crush Companionate

Sexual

- Focuses on the interplay of

Passion

Platonic

- Focuses on the interplay of

Intimacy
Definition:
This means that a Romantic relationship is defined as one in which Commitment
interacts with something else

Which means a Sexual relationship is defined as one in which there is Passion and/or
Passion interacts with something else

This means that the Crush axis is not actually a Romantic relationship by our
definitions because it does not interact with Commitment. It is an Intimate
relationship because it interacts with intimacy but it is not a Romantic relationship
because it does not interact with Commitment.

A Sexual but not Romantic relationship would be one in which there is Passion but it
does not interact with Commitment.
Romantic Relationship Expectations
The Relationship Escalator

Priorities

Cooperation and Behavior

The Relationship Escalator
To quote Solopoly.net

Relationship Escalator: The default set of societal customs for the proper conduct of intimate
relationships. Progressive steps with clearly visible markers and a presumed structural goal of
permanently monogamous (sexually and romantically exclusive), cohabitating marriage — legally
sanctioned if possible. The social standard by which most people gauge whether a developing intimate
relationship is significant, “serious,” good, healthy, committed or worth pursuing or continuing.

While they did literally write the book on this concept we are going to edit it for the
sake of polyamory
Escalator Edits
Relationship Escalator: The default set of societal customs for the proper conduct of intimate
relationships. Progressive steps with clearly visible markers and a presumed structural goal of Life
Partnership, cohabitating marriage — legally sanctioned if possible. The social standard by which
most people gauge whether a developing intimate relationship is significant, “serious,” good, healthy,
committed or worth pursuing or continuing.

The escalator does not mean monogamy in this case, however it is the basic standard
accepted steps that a primary relationship should go through.

This is the default. People will expect you to follow some to all of the basic steps; ex
moving in, getting married etc. You can discuss with your partner whether you want
to do this or not, but expect them to expect this and if you know this is what you do
not want make that abundantly clear before you fuck them.
Priorities
When you are in a romantic relationship you are expected to put that relationship
over your other relationships.

You are expected to put the other person’s wants and needs above your own about
50% of the time

- Note that is not just the 50% of the time you don’t have strong feelings about a
subject. That is including and especially 50% of the time you care deeply about
the subject at hand
Cooperation and Behavior
When you are in a romantic relationship you are expected to cooperate more than
you would usually have to, and as a result you are expected to behave in a more
cooperative manner.

Behavior rules can vary between sets of partners based on what they cooperatively
decided together.
General Rules
Expect these behavior and cooperation rules to be in play unless told explicitly
otherwise:

- You are expected to listen to and validate your partner’s feelings.

- You are expected to attempt to mitigate their negative feelings and be willing to
make behavioral changes if they say it will help mitigate their negative feelings.
- You are expected to be empathetic to your partner.
- You are expected to listen to your partner
- You are expected to be honest with your partner
- You are expected to be gentle with your partner
- You are expected to show affection to your partner
What is a Sexual but not Romantic Relationship?

A sexual but not romantic relationship (SnR relationship) would be one in which
there is Passion but not Commitment

One of the key rules of Sexual but not Romantic Relationships is that YOU MUST
TELL THE OTHER PERSON THIS IS THE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP YOU INTEND
TO HAVE BEFORE YOU FUCK THEM. If you do not follow this rule it is likely that
someone will have a different understanding of the relationship and likely get hurt.
What Are the Expectations of a SnR relationship?

The first expectation is that you establish that this is an SnR relationship early

There are various flavors of SnR relationships which have their own standard rules
some include:

- Friends with Benefits: We hang out as friends and with friends and also fuck but
not due to any feelings, just because we both enjoy fucking and friendship.
- Casual Dating: There is a certain amount of feelings, you expect to go out on
dates and you expect to have sex but you are not getting on the escalator.
- BDSM: You are expected to play a certain role, not for feelings for the other
person but because you enjoy the roles. This is a sex or sexy role.
Expecting the Unexpected
Humans are messy. Feelings of all kinds can happen in all kinds of relationships, but
one time when feelings are very likely is when something unexpected happens.
When someone veers off the plan, or when someone moves from one type of love to
another.

That’s why when you know you are making a change or making a wave, expect a
backlash of emotion. It can be hard to predict what the emotion will be, but brace
yourself for a negative emotional response. Try to empathize with your partner and
predict their response based on previous similar experiences.

Also be sure to clarify your type of relationships and it’s expectations early and
often, making miscommunications and confusion less likely