Conflict, Leadership And The Leadership Talk

By Brent Filson | Submitted On March 05, 2006

Conflict comes with leadership as the sparks fly upward. If you don’t want to deal with conflict,

leadership is not your thing.

Being a leader is not about IF you will tackle conflict but HOW. In fact, no other ability (other than

being able to get results) so shapes people’s careers as the ability to deal with conflict.

Conflict and leadership go hand-in-hand because leadership involves challenging people often to do

what they don’t want to do. If people did what they wanted, leaders wouldn’t be necessary. Great

results don’t drop like manna from heaven. Achieving them involves people having to get out of their

comfort zones, make troublesome decisions, and engage in disconcerting new actions. Leadership

helps guide and motivate people to do those things.

There are countless books, articles, etc. devoted to conflict resolution. But let me give you one tool

that I’ve been teaching leaders of all ranks and functions worldwide for more than 22 years. It’s the

Leadership Talk.

Because the Leadership Talk is results-oriented and deals with fundamental human dynamics, it can be

an unmatched way to help you deal with the inevitable conflicts you’ll face.

(The many books and many other articles I’ve written on the Leadership Talk can be seen on my

website.)

Here are the three essentials you must adhere to in dealing with conflicts and how the Leadership Talk

can help you manifest those essentials.

1. Establish a deep, human, emotional connection with the people you’re dealing with. When in

conflict, keep in mind that the message is not just the message, the message is the messenger. HOW

you deal with conflict and WHO you are in dealing with the conflict are as important, if not more, than

WHAT the conflict is. Abraham Lincoln explained the importance of HOW and WHO: “If you would

win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend … Assume to dictate to his

judgment, or to command his action, or to mark him as one to be shunned and despised, and he will
retreat within himself, close all the avenues to his head and his heart; and tho’ your cause be naked

truth itself … you shall no more be able to reach him than to penetrate the hard shell of the tortoise

with a rye straw.”

The Leadership Talk helps you deal with not only the WHAT of the conflict but also the HOW. It is a

clear, practical pathway to winning the hearts of the people you are in conflict with simply because its

driving principle is Lincoln’s imperative of convincing the other side of your good will and sincerity.

2. Be guided by and empowered through process. It’s important for your career to have a simple, clear

conflict-resolution process to guide your thoughts, speech, and actions. You may not follow it exactly

in every case, but it can help you better deal with the countless varieties of conflicts that you’ll come

to face.

The Leadership Talk is a powerful conflict resolution process because it engages the human aspects in

practical, structured ways. For instance, one of its processes it called the Three-trigger Motivational

Process. When you face conflict, you should ask three questions. If you say “no” to your answer to any

one of those questions, you can’t give a Leadership Talk. The questions are: 1. Do you know what the

audience needs? 2. Can you bring deep belief to what you’re saying? 3. Can you have the audience

take action?

3. Stay focused on results. Since leaders do nothing more important than get results, the fruits of how

we deal with conflict should be evaluated by whether we are obstructing or promoting results.

In leadership, it’s not enough to resolve conflicts, we must also in the process achieve increases in

results. Forget about trying to achieve “win/win.” That can be a tender trap. In fact, in many cases, a

win/win objective might impede results by keeping people from going to the next step, the results-

generating step.

The Leadership Talk sees conflicts you are engaged in terms not simply of conflict resolution but

results generation. Furthermore, its focus is not just about achieving ordinary results but more results,

faster results on a continual basis.

Since conflict will always be with you as a leader, you should welcome it as an opportunity to get

increases in results. When you’re using Leadership Talks, you’ll find yourself getting those results

consistently.
Life of a Student: Dealing with Conflict
with Friends 
Great friendships are characterized by a mutual understanding that you will support each
other through the highs and lows of your lives. When you get into a fight or an argument
with your friends, it may hamper your concentration, disturb your peace of mind, and
potentially affect your health. Conflict with friends can be challenging, but can be usually be
resolved. Here are some helpful tips for dealing with conflicts with friends:

Don’t Be Quiet, Talk

Communication is the key to every relationship. If you have had a serious argument, it may
get worse if you choose to keep quiet and not talk about it. Keeping things to yourself and
not being open about it creates misunderstandings. Talking about the causes of the
argument will help you figure out whether it is just a misunderstanding or something
serious. Once you are vocal about your issues, you get a fair idea about how to resolve a
particular conflict. This will not only help you solve problems, but also strengthen your
friendship.

Think Before You Speak

So, now when you have decided to talk about your issues, you need to keep the anger aside
and talk peacefully to each other. Anger is your biggest enemy; it can even snatch your
friends from you and leave you without one, especially when you need someone with you.
In such a state of mind, you might end up doing or saying something which you might never
do or say. Anger and aggression never solves a problem, instead, it intensifies it. So, you
should choose your words wisely while you’re trying to resolve conflicts with friends.

Listen to Your Friend’s Concerns

Communication is necessary, but it is only fruitful when it is two-way. If you are dealing with
conflicts with friends, there must be communication as well as listening and understanding
from both sides. If you had an argument or you had different opinions that led to a conflict,
try to find out what the other person found offending. Let your friend speak about things
that didn’t seem right to them. Apologize if you need to for being wrong on your part or
explain to them your point of view to help them understand you better.

Forgive and Forget

Life is more rewarding when you have great friends that you can count on. However, an
inability to communicate may lead to unresolved feelings that may in turn result in losing
friends. As such, open, honest communication about what caused a fight or an argument
and how to work through the disagreement is really important. In the end, rather than
holding a grudge it is always better to work towards resolution of the situation, and to
forgive and forget.

Don’t let fear hold you back, implement these steps to ensure your relationships don’t get
affected. Remember, communication (two-way) is the key to a healthy college and
personal life.