GENELIN D.

AJERA BSED 3-A

ELT 209 (LANGUAGE PROGRAM & POLICIES FOR MULTILINGUAL SOCIETIES)

REFLECTION PAPER

School year 2020-2021 was a roller coaster ride for me. It’s been the most challenging
one, the school year that had tested my determination, courage, bravery and my whole
being as a student and as a person. The sudden turn of events in my life altered
everything within affecting my emotional and mental stability.

When it comes to my academics, I have no problem about it because I love learning

and I enjoy answering my modules especially this subject. In terms of internet
connection, my family managed to buy a signal booster and I am grateful enough that
we have a stable internet connection at home now. Every time I wanted to expand my
understanding, I can easily Google it to enrich my learning.

However, even though it seems like the tide is in favor with me which I know almost
every student dream to have, like an unexpected tidal wave in a calm sea, I was
slapped with a different kind of problem which I did not expect I would encounter that
turned my world upside down. In the midst of my academic year, I find myself lost in
the middle of nowhere. I can’t barely sleep, I lost my eagerness and excitement in
doing my paper works, I miss face to face classes, I miss my classmates, I am hungry
with social interaction, I overthink lots of things, my mind is in chaos, I can’t find any
inspiration to continue and the worst part I questioned my existence. There are times
that I suddenly cry that I don’t know why. It was the hardest moment of my life
because I cannot talk to anyone what I felt inside even in my family for I know my
parents and siblings will either overreact on my situation or worry too much about me.

I don’t want them to know what my real emotional and mental situation is so I keep it
to myself. I know it was wrong to keep it from them but I love them very much that I’d
rather suffer alone than drag them to my own mess. I act as if I was okay even though
deep inside I am not. I struggled all by myself, shutting my heart to anyone. I
continued being in this kind of situation and every day feels like I am a void person
wandering in a place of nothingness. But I don’t want to be in this situation. I know I
am not that kind of person; it wasn’t the person I build all these years.

How did I end up like this anyway?

Before I find out that I am already depressed and suffering from mild anxiety,
everything in my life is great. I was able to cope up with flexible way of learning as the
new way of new normal education, I balanced my virtual and personal interaction, my
communication to my friends and classmates are good and I feel good and inspired
each day which I thanked God always. And then, without any sign or warning, my
smooth sailing life hit an unseen ice berg. I can’t hardly believe that the person I
trusted so much and I learned to love with all my heart that I considered as my third
mother next to my original mother and Mommy Alma Huyaban stabbed me in the
back. Until now my heart still aches when I remember the things she did to me and
the words she said that had pierced my heart. I did not know she was jealous to me all
this time and her kindness is just a façade to gain information about me so that she
can make rumors and gossips to spread to other people. Before I knew it, I was
already a hot topic to our neighbors. It breaks my heart knowing that I did nothing
wrong and all the rumors are not true but other people made it as a basis to judge me.

I openly told my parents about it and the situation get even worse. My parents were
very angry after knowing about it and it resulted to confrontations. She denied
everything even though it was already clear that people are pointing her out that she’s
the one who made all the rumors. How in the world a 46 years old woman get jealous
about me, to the point of ruining my reputation and name? Even I maximize all my
brain cells to think, I can’t pinpoint the real reason why. Maybe there are really people
who just love to ruin someone’s life and well, she did.

All the traumas I’ve experienced since childhood came to life. I am one of the victims of
bullying and it was a scar I know I can’t erase. I struggle pleasing other people
because I wanted to belong, I wanted to be accepted. Although I was loved and cared
by my family, it hits different when you have a place called “home” in other people’s
heart. I crave the attention from other people that it leads me to be too kind and too
good to everyone that some had taken it as an opportunity to ask for too much. I
questioned myself if I was enough, if I was kind enough and it is where I realized
things. I don’t need to please anyone because no matter what I do, there will be
someone who won’t like me and it includes her. To simply put, we can’t be everyone’s
cup of tea.

I was stuck in my situation that I forget the reality I am in. I need to catch up with my
studies, I have activities I need to finish, and I have deadlines to meet.

In the midst of my drowning moment, where I can’t find my way back, I look up at the
sky and I was reminded of how wide it is above me. I was reminded that sometimes
even the skies aren’t blue and peaceful all the time. There are times that it was cloudy,
it was dark, it pours rain, and it carries storms and lightning and thunders that
shakes the earth. For the first time since I cried that day, I saw my resemblance to the
sky. That I was like the blue sky in times that it carries and pours rain. It takes time
to become the clear blue sky again, but in God’s amazing grace, I manage to do it.

I slowly and gradually open up my real emotional state and it helps a lot that there are
people who never judged me after knowing it which includes my family and I feel so
loved and thankful that they had given me the time and kind words that had helped a
lot in my healing process. I also shared it to one of my close friends and it feels like a
heavy load was lift off my shoulder but at the same time I was shocked because it
turns out that she is suffering the same thing and I can’t believe we are experiencing it
both.
We become each other’s shoulder, we encouraged one another, reflect and reminisce
all our greatest inspiration before we started this college journey, all our dreams,
aspirations, and goals that had helped us recover from our unstable emotional state.
We googled self-help therapies to cure depression and anxiety and all in God’s grace
again because we made it. We monitor each other, checking each other and helping
each other when it feels like the other one is down again. Aside from we successfully
conquer our emotional and mental stability and win it back, our bond and friendship
deepen more than ever which is the most beautiful thing after all of this happenings. I
find my way back to the right track of life with the most true and faithful companion
by my side and I can’t ask for more.

I pick up where I left and try my best to be myself again, the “me” whom I work hard
for to build, the “me” who always wear her heart on her sleeve with warm smile and
kind words that this time, guaranteed to be true in outer and inner layer.

Lastly, I wanted to reserve my last paragraph to my professor to this subject, Professor

Stephen C. Perez for being so kind and understanding the entire semester to us as his
students. Sir, if you are reading this while checking; I wanted to express how thankful
I am to you because you really made an effort to adjust to our situation giving us
appropriate and handy module without sacrificing essential content and adequate
learning we need. It really motivates me to finish all of my modules despite my
situation even though I know that I am late to pass it because you promised to wait
which I am so grateful for. Thank you for saving me with your kindness sir! I can say
that you are one of my inspirations to come up with creative solution to turn the tides
to my favor and continue the things I’ve started.

This school year, 2020-2021, was been the worst for me but I think the best among
the rest too because I learned a lot and got to know myself better more than before. I
was lost, but here I am, on my way taking the right direction once again that I’m sure
leading me to a place where God want me to end with.

Eventually, I’ll be a clear blue and peaceful sky again.