tell me what’s worse (losing you now or later?

)
Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/50023249.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandom: 9-1-1 (TV)
Relationship: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Christopher Diaz & Eddie
Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Maddie Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Maddie Buckley/Howie
"Chimney" Han
Character: Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley, Christopher Diaz (9-1-1
TV), Maddie Buckley, Howie "Chimney" Han, Margaret Buckley, Phillip
Buckley, Bobby Nash, Josephina "Pepa" Diaz, Henrietta "Hen" Wilson,
Minor Characters
Additional Tags: Season/Series 06, Alternate Canon, POV Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV),
Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Idiots in
Love, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning,
Mortality, Angst with a Happy Ending, Other Additional Tags to Be
Added, Minor Sexual Content, PG-13 at most
Language: English
Collections: 9-1-1 Reverse Bang 2023
Stats: Published: 2023-09-11 Completed: 2023-09-16 Words: 30,600
Chapters: 6/6

tell me what’s worse (losing you now or later?)

by thatnerdemryn

Summary

Every once in a while, someone's world gets knocked off its axis. For Eddie, that moment
was when Buck pressed his lips to his, stealing the very breath out of his lungs. He doesn't
think anything else can rock him as hard.

When Buck is struck by lightning, life as Eddie knew it comes suddenly crashing down
with Eddie left gasping for air in the aftermath.

Eddie knows he wants Buck for keeps. He also knows life is rarely so kind to him.

Notes

I have risen from Buddie death for the 9-1-1 Reverse Bang!

I was lucky enough to finally be paired with Taylor after years of participating in events
like this with her, and I am so happy to share this team effort with you all.

You will see Taylor's video trailer below so watch it and allow it to bring this story to
 LIFE. ❤️

Special thanks to Jess who has seen TWO episodes of 9-1-1, but somehow read all 30k of
this fic in like 2 days and gave me the best beta read I've ever had. You're the real MVP,
my dear, and I appreciate you SO.

See the end of the work for more notes

 Chapter 1
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

There are certain cliches in romantic comedies that Eddie has picked up on during his past
relationships. Tropes that he thinks about when he hears the occasional love story.

There’s the love at first sight, the enemies turned into partners, the forced proximity of a cold room
and only one blanket, or a miscommunication spiraling into a relationship of necessity. The one
that Eddie never understood, though, was how a person could know someone for years, maybe
even all their life, and have no interest until one day they just… magically did?

At the moment, Eddie is sitting at Buck’s kitchen table with Christopher at his side, and Buck is
pacing back and forth from the counter to the oven and back again. He’s blabbering on about Cap
choosing someone that isn’t him for interim captain, while Chris comes close to beating his dad at
a math challenge. Eddie chimes in every once in a while with an agreement or a question that
makes Buck put a little more thought into his words, while Chris shouts out sarcastic remarks
whenever he can get one in.

Buck has made Bobby’s famous lasagna–the one that Bobby used to win over Harry and May back
when he first got together with Athena– and the taste and smell of it make the fact that Buck
doesn’t have a couch for them to sit on when they visit worth it. Chris is happily eating, Buck is
smiling and considering Eddie’s words as if they mean something, and Eddie… Eddie feels like he
understands what those ridiculous people in romantic comedies mean when they talk about
realizing the person they’ve always wanted was right in front of them the entire time.

He’s still thinking about it when Hen picks up Christopher and after a series of hugs, goodbyes and
see you tomorrows, he and Buck are alone.

“Want another beer?” Buck asks, head shoved into the fridge already searching for whatever he
wants to drink. Eddie is pretty sure he’s been staring at Buck’s ass for at least the last 30 seconds
without blinking, so he shakes his head clear before answering.
“Please,” he breathes out heavily.

“You okay, Man?”

Buck’s hand cups his shoulder as he leans down to place the beer on the table in front of Eddie, and
all of a sudden, his senses are filled with Buck.

The scent of his cologne, the bitter beer on his breath, even down to the fiery cinnamon of his
shampoo. Every single atom in his body seems to sing as he inhales deeply, savoring the closeness.
When he lets out his breath, there’s a small hum that could easily turn into a moan, so he pushes
himself away from the table in a panic.

“Yeah, I just gotta…” Eddie awkwardly gestures toward the sink.

Like a typical night, Eddie begins to wash the dishes while Buck turns on some quiet music–a
cross between country and classic rock–and then stands by the sink, ready to help. They don’t talk
much, just casual notes about the meal or jabs at Eddie’s cleaning tactic or the occasional earworm
that’s embedded itself in Buck’s mind. It’s calm, it’s casual, it’s like any other night. Except Eddie
feels something spark every time their fingers meet when exchanging the dishes, or when Buck
nudges their shoulders together when a song he likes comes on.

He can’t figure out why tonight, of all nights, starts to feel different. They worked, they had dinner,
and they helped Chris with his math. It was the usual boring night that is bound to end with Buck
passing out in his solitary chair right before Eddie gets up to leave.

But Eddie does have to wonder if maybe it’s not the night that’s different. Maybe it’s the fact that
he and Buck are single for the first time in a long time. Eddie had broken it off with Ana ages ago
while Buck used the summer to get over his break up with Taylor. They spent almost all of their
free time with each other, either alone or with other members of the 118 or their families. Whatever
was–is–different between them is something they’ve built over the years, months, even the past
few weeks.

They’re both in phases of their lives where it seems like things are normal. Eddie isn’t recovering
from being shot anymore–his panic attacks lessening more and more each passing day and the guilt
and dread that had settled in his heart and stomach only kept him awake on an occasional night
instead of every single one. He’s back at the 118 with Buck at his side, Christopher’s in much
better spirits after a few emotional outbursts that took Eddie too long to understand, and impending
doom doesn’t seem like such a normal part of his life anymore.

There is a sense of comfort and familiarity in his life, and it’s only that much more powerful
because each day is filled with Buck.

What Eddie can’t seem to figure out is why this normality freaks him out so much.

“Hey, are you okay, Eddie?” Buck’s voice breaks him from his thoughts again.

Eddie gives him an inquisitive look, but Buck just nods down at the sink. When Eddie follows his
eyeline, he realizes that all of the dishes have been cleaned and he’s probably been running the
same fork underneath the water for who knows how long. He drops it with a clang and a shake of
his head, rubbing the back of his hand on his forehead in shame.

“Yeah, I don’t– I must just be tired from the shift or something,” Eddie decides. Buck nods in
understanding, but he’s holding in a smirk. He raises his eyebrows which only causes a small laugh
to escape from Buck.
“You have soap all in your hair now,” Buck tells him. Eddie groans and goes to swipe at the
offending suds when Buck grabs his wrist. “You’re still covered in it, Man. Let me just…”

He trails off as his face turns to focus like getting the soap out of Eddie’s hair is the most important
task he’s ever taken. His eyebrows pull together and he bites the inside of his lip just enough to
hide a small bit of pink skin while his one hand is still wrapped around Eddie’s wrist. His other
reaches forward, soft fingers running through Eddie’s hair, his thumb brushing over where the
strands meet his forehead.

There’s something intimate in the touch, maybe in the way Eddie’s back is pressed into the edge of
the sink because Buck’s chest is flush with his own. Maybe it’s the way Buck’s leg is nestled
between his thighs and if he were to lift his knee ever so slightly, he’d realize that Eddie’s starting
to go rigid in his jeans. Maybe it’s the way Buck’s hand still lingers on his head, sliding down the
back of it where they both know soap hasn’t touched. Maybe it’s the soft breath that Buck lets out
that seems to ghost across his lips like a kiss in and of itself.

Eddie isn’t sure who moves first, but before he can even register the change in action, Buck’s lips
are slotted between his like they’re meant to be there. There’s a sense of familiarity to the kiss that
surprises Eddie. He wonders if it’s because of the friendship they’ve held for so long, or the trust
they’ve earned from each other, or the fact he’s memorized almost every inch of Buck without
actively trying, but his mouth feels almost exactly like Eddie would expect it to.

He’s never been kissed the way Buck kisses him, and he’s not sure he ever will be again. It’s soft
and tender, but there’s a sense of urgency that seems to rise in both of them as it deepens. Eddie
catches up to where Buck’s been waiting and opens his mouth, both tongues sneaking their way
along soft lips. Buck’s hands slide more confidently into his hair, tugging at the slightly overgrown
strands and urging a soft grunt out of Eddie’s mouth. In return, Eddie slides his palms over Buck’s
chest before his fingers land on the waistband of Buck’s pants.

It's addictive, watching the way Buck’s patience runs thin. Eddie’s seen it in the field, but to
experience the movements of Buck’s overstimulated body squirming against him is something
much more exhilarating than he could have ever imagined. All Eddie’s done is push him back
against the kitchen island so he can try to remove the belt that keeps their hips at only a slight
distance, and Buck seems lost in it.

In retaliation–if Eddie can even call it that–Buck untucks Eddie’s shirt from his pants and begins to
unbutton it faster than his fingers seem to be able to move. Eddie uses the distraction to push
Buck’s already opened shirt halfway down his arms so he can attach his mouth to Buck’s neck. He
pulls another sound out of him that jolts through each of Eddie’s nerve endings until he lets out his
own soft groan. He wants their shirts off and says as much through a mumbled plea that Buck is
quick to act on.

They’re shirtless in the kitchen, Buck’s belt hanging down his thigh while the button and zipper
hang on for dear life, while Eddie’s pants press too tightly against the growing problem both of
them seem to have. Their heavy breathing is only partially masked by the soft rock song playing in
the background, and Buck’s staring at Eddie like he’s about to change the entire trajectory of their
lives.

When Buck takes his hand and leads him up the stairs toward the bedroom, Eddie lets him. When
Buck lays down on the bed, head flat on the pillows, Eddie follows him. When Buck finally
undresses both of them and asks Eddie if he can put his mouth on him, Eddie begs him.

Afterward, when Eddie feels like his brain has been sucked out of him, all he wants to do is return
the favor, and Buck lets him. When Eddie slides Buck’s hands into his hair with pleading eyes and
his mouth watering, Buck obeys him. When Eddie opens himself up so that he can take all of
Buck’s length inside of him, Buck praises him.

When they finally come together, Eddie has never felt more fulfilled, more satiated, more
complete. By the look of sheer astonishment on Buck’s face when Eddie collapses beside him, he’s
pretty sure the feeling is mutual.

When Buck’s eyes meet his, they burst into laughter, the kind that pulls at the muscles in his
abdomen and causes tears to escape his already emotion-filled eyes.

“Well, this was unexpected,” Buck says after they’ve finally calmed down.

Eddie nods. “What do you mean? I always come here expecting sex.”

They burst into laughter again, Buck punching his bare arm just on the right side of pain while
Eddie nudges Buck’s naked leg with his own.

“I mean, that could be something to expect now… if that was… you know…” Eddie hasn’t heard
Buck this bashful since one of the first days he met him and he doesn’t remember it being this
adorable.

“Are you asking if that was good for me?” Eddie glances down at the already forming finger-
shaped bruises on his hips and the dark stains coating the sheets. “Yes, Buck, you can add another
good review to your repertoire.”

“Oh, shut up!” Buck says annoyedly, but he turns and strokes a finger over Eddie’s neck where
he’s sure a small hickey darkens the skin. “It doesn’t have to be anything more than just…” He
gestures between the two of them and Eddie tilts his head.

“What do you mean?” he asks carefully. He ignores the way his chest constricts.

“Like, this was fun, right?” Eddie nods. “Both of us are unattached, right?” Another nod. “So, why
not keep doing… this.”

“Keep… sleeping together?”

Buck nods enthusiastically. “Yeah! And like, nothing has to change, you know? In my experience,
sleeping with friends is ten times easier and more fun than sleeping with anyone else.”

“Way to make a guy feel special,” Eddie mutters.

But he thinks about the offer. He’s been pretty sure for a while that he’s interested in men, but he’s
not at a point yet to go around searching for one to date. Buck is obviously interested in him and
has said time and time again that he isn’t searching for another relationship to fuck with his head.
They’re best friends and trusted partners who work well together in every sense.

“I can feel you overthinking. We don’t have to, I just thought–”

“No, I– I’m in. As long as you do that thing with your tongue every time you–”

Before he can finish, Buck pounces on him, kissing all of the words out of his mouth and muddying
his brain with the grind of his hips.

Yeah, Eddie could get used to this.

Eddie’s never been one to keep secrets. At least, he wasn’t until he moved to Los Angeles. Ever
since then, it seemed like every relationship he had gotten himself in stayed private until there was
no option otherwise. With Shannon, it was shame wrapped around a healthy dose of fear. He didn’t
want his relationship with her to interfere with the future he was building with Christopher.

The 118 are back at the station after a bizarre call involving a very enthusiastic use of spray foam
insulation by the homeowner’s brother. Of course, the team rescued the man and he was
transported to the hospital without incident, but unfortunately, Eddie had to spend the entirety of
the ambulance ride warding off the sister’s obvious flirtations.

“She clocked your ass the second you walked in, Eddie,” Chim offers. Eddie shrugs in response,
taking a sip of the coffee Buck has brought to the table for him. They share a small smile and Buck
lets his hand linger on Eddie’s shoulder just a bit longer than necessary.

“‘Oh, Edmundo, is it?’” Hen mocks. “Como se dice… desperate?”

“Desesperada,” Eddie offers, even though the look on Hen’s face tells him she’s not actually
looking for an answer. “I’m not interested, Hen.”

“That’s what you’ve been saying, but Eddie, it’s been months since you and the principal broke
up–”

“Ana,” Eddie interjects. She deserves more than her title, even if Eddie barely gave her that.

“Months,” Chim exaggerates. “I don’t know how you do it, honestly. If I had to go months
without–”

“Chimney, will you please?!” Hen chimes in, clearly grossed out at the thought of her best friend’s
sex life.

“It hasn’t been months–” Eddie cuts himself off, blushing as he stares down at his coffee cup. He
wonders if he could handle a few small burns if he stuck his hand in to get out of this conversation.
He only gets away with the thought before Hen and Chim flank him on either side.

“Well, isn’t that an admission.” Hen clicks her tongue. Eddie rolls his eyes but they land directly
back on the dark liquid. He’s scared to look up–at Hen, at Chim, but most of all, at Buck.

“Who is she then? It’s gotta be someone we know if he’s keeping her a secret.”

His hands are like vices on Eddie’s hips, fingers pressing bruises into his tanned skin until Eddie
has no control over the gasp that escapes his throat. He feels the bed hit the back of his knees
before his shoulders are pushed firmly but somehow more delicately than he’s ever been touched.
He lies back, but refuses to go alone–not anymore.

He reaches up to fist the collar of Buck’s shirt, pulling him down until their chests fit like they have
always belonged together, like their hearts are magnetic poles just waiting for their opposing
force. He can feel the thrum of their heartbeats rising with each thrust of their hips against each
other.

“You feel so good, Eddie. Been wanting to feel you for so long,” Buck whispers. His hand slides
between them, making quick work of the button and zipper in his way before he’s cupping Eddie’s–

“Half the thrill is doing something and thinking you’re getting away with it, isn’t it, Diaz?” Hen
teases, effectively breaking him out of his memory. He clears his throat and shakes his head,
downing a few sips of coffee. He revels in the way it scorches his throat, reminding him that he’s
awake and in the loft and not underneath Buck’s muscular figure.

“I wouldn’t know,” Eddie decides. He chances a glance across the table to find Buck’s eyes on
him, hot and piercing like he’s been reading Eddie’s mind. “But either way, I’m not interested in
Marisol. I refuse to date one of our victims.”

“That’s very… professional of you, Firefighter Diaz,” Bobby commends as he takes his seat at the
head of the table. Eddie sees the change in Buck’s posture as soon as their Captain enters the
conversation so Eddie changes the subject.

“Hey, Chim, how’s the nanny search going?” There’s no better person to make a conversation
about than Jee. Chim will take any opportunity to talk about her and Maddie.

Eddie realizes that for the first time in a long time, he knows how he feels. Sure, he can’t actually
say anything about it, but the feeling is enough for now.

When Eddie walks into Tia Pepa’s house later that week, toolbox in hand, there’s a pep in his step
that he hasn’t had in weeks. He spent the last night with Buck, alternating between sucking,
fucking, and cuddling, which kept him up late and woke him up early. Buck made him breakfast
and they swapped kisses in the kitchen that tasted like maple syrup and bacon before practically
sitting in each other’s laps to surf through channels. Wandering hands made it hard for them to
make a decision and they ended up back in Eddie’s bed for another round.

It was as close to perfect as Eddie could ever remember a Saturday morning being.

When Tia Pepa called, he pried himself away long enough to throw on a torn-up flannel and oil-
stained jeans, promising to be back as fast as he could. So the last thing he’s expecting when he
gets to his aunt’s house is for her to have company. When he notices a woman about his age sitting
at the table, he glances down at his less-than-casual attire and his stomach suddenly sinks as his
lungs have a hard time pulling in air.

“Tia, what the Hell is this?” He attempts a calm whisper but it comes out like a hiss. “What
happened to the plumbing emergency?”

“Fixed! Vanessa here is great with these kinds of things and her Tia Cuca was already coming over
for lunch so I figured…” Tia Pepa trails off with a wave of her hand like Eddie isn’t dying inside.
His glare apparently says everything he wishes he could say out loud because she rests a gentle
hand on his arm and directs her next comments at the awkwardly smiling woman. “Excuse us, I’m
just going to have my handsome nephew here help me with the pasta, okay? Okay.”

When they are out of eyeline, Eddie cracks. “Did you trick me into a blind date?!”

“No, no, no,” she defends, “there were no tricks!”

“Then where’s the plumbing emergency?” he asks, crossing his arms over his chest the same way
he does when he catches Chris in a lie.

“Well, I couldn’t just ask you over, could I?” Eddie stares up at the ceiling and sighs. “Pray tell,
what was I interrupting anyways, Edmundo?” she retorts at his behavior.

Eddie’s eyes widen and he shrugs.

Buck has him pressed against the wall, shirts wrinkled from tugging and pulling, jeans undone and
settling low on their hips. His hands are pinned above his head and no matter how hard he tries–
which isn’t very–he can’t seem to pry Buck off of him.

“I have to– go,” Eddie tries to mutter through the assault of Buck’s lips. Buck shakes his head,
brushing their noses together before tracing his tongue over Eddie’s jaw, biting down on his
earlobe softly. “Buck…” he hums, his eyes closing before he can stop them.

“Just one more for me, baby. One more to keep me tide over until you get back,” Buck pleas–
commands really. Then he drops to his knees and pulls Eddie from his jeans, sucking him until he’s
empty of every last drop–

“I was at home,” Eddie answers. It’s the truth, which is all that matters to him at this moment. “I
haven’t had time to figure my day out yet!” Because I was too busy being fucked within an inch of
my life, he adds in his mind.

“It's Saturday, Tonto. You should be shopping for antiques or having a cafecito with somebody
you love, not lounging around in your pajamas like some malcriado.”

“So you set me up with some stranger?” Eddie retorts, hoping–for his and Buck’s sake–that she’ll
see his reasoning. He should have known there was no stopping a tia with a mission.

“Edmundo,” she begins, and Eddie knows he’s lost the battle, “it breaks my heart to see you alone.
You need to do something or you're going to be alone forever.”

He wants to tell her he’s not alone, that he has someone important to him that makes him happy,
and that his best friend is more than just some guy who helps with his kid and makes a mean
Mexican bean dip. He doesn’t want a blind date because he’s got someone to go home with–home
to. He has someone who could be in his life forever, even if it means a lifetime of commitmentless
bliss.

“Let’s just have lunch,” she insists, and there’s no arguing with her now.

He shoots Buck a quick text that Pepa’s forcing food on him to which Buck responds with a string
of emojis that tell Eddie he knew this was going to happen. Then he sends another text that makes
Eddie blush like a teenager and he has to adjust himself in his jeans before he goes to get the setup
done and over with.

For some reason, he doesn’t tell Buck. It’s not that he’s keeping anything a secret, per se. They
both agreed time and time again that they weren’t rushing things with labels or big talks. He wasn’t
about to date Vanessa, but he owed it to her to at least explain why he wasn’t interested. And he
didn’t owe Buck some big explanation. It would’ve caused more confusion than anything else.

As soon as they’re seated and their drinks are ordered, Eddie clears his throat. “Listen, Vanessa, I
know our tías set this up and everything, but full disclosure…”

“You came here to let me down easy,” she finishes his repeatedly rehearsed speech.

“Yeah, I’m– I’m sorry, I just–” He shakes his head, unsure why he feels the need to tell her the
truth, and knowing he can’t, but she is already holding her hands up.

“I’m afraid I’m gonna have to beat you to the punch.” Eddie feels his eyebrows scrunch together
high on his forehead, feeling a little more rejected than he should considering he’s doing the same
thing to her. She sighs before she leans in to speak, “Eddie, you are one of a very long line of nice
Mexican boys my Tía Cuca has tried to set me up with for the last… year. Ever since my fiancé
called off the wedding.”
“I’m sorry,” Eddie says truthfully, “that must not have been easy.”

“It wasn’t,” she replies softly, “and I’m not even remotely ready to be in a serious relationship, let
alone with a–” She presses her lips together like she’s almost admitted a state secret, but it gives
Eddie just enough for him to feel a bit more confident in telling his own truth.

“My tía doesn’t know that I have someone else,” he offers. Vanessa raises her eyebrows and tilts
her head, but there’s a sparkle in the way she takes him in that says she might’ve figured him out.
“He’s my best friend, actually.”

“Buck?” she asks, and Eddie leans back in shock. She laughs and reaches out to pat his arm
comfortingly. “Pepa might not know what he means to you, but she obviously loves him–and you.”

“I know she does,” Eddie sighs, “but it’s new and it’s… not something I’ve ever… Well…” He
feels like he’s floundering, but Vanessa’s smile is anything but mean.

“My fiance knew I was in love with someone else. I loved him, I did,” she says in earnest, and
Eddie knows how she feels. Having Buck doesn’t mean his love for Shannon wasn’t real, he
knows that now. “But he knew that I only looked at one person the way he looked at me.”

Eddie doesn’t know what to say next. He’d planned to be at the bar for at least an hour, but all he
wants to do is get home, kiss Christopher goodnight, and have Buck sneak in from the couch to
cuddle him in bed until they have to take Chris to school in the morning. He hates that he even
decided to let Tia Pepa manipulate him into this date, even if it was meant to be a soft letdown. He
bites down on his lip and takes his phone out of his pocket, an immediate grin tugging at the
corners of his lips.

“Let me see?” Vanessa asks as if she knows already that the picture must be of the aforementioned
man. And of course it is.

Eddie turns the phone toward her so it’s still in his eyeline. He doesn’t want to look away just yet.
The image is a little dark, but he can clearly see Buck’s sharp blue eyes and the reflection of the TV
off of Christopher’s glasses. They have their heads pressed together, a blanket pulled around their
shoulders, and about three sheets (if Eddie counts them correctly) hanging around them in a small
fort. There’s so much happiness in the photo that Eddie’s heart feels like it might explode out of his
chest at any moment.

Vanessa brings her hand to her heart with a short and soft, “Buck?”

Eddie nods, the blush coating his cheeks obvious to him now, and responds simply, “Buck.”

“He’s very handsome,” she notes, nodding her head in approval. Eddie lets out a boisterous laugh
because handsome is an understatement. He says as much.

“He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on. Isn’t that crazy?” Eddie runs his fingers
through his hair. “I’ve known him for, God, over five years now, and one day I just… realized
how pretty he was. I’ve never considered a man pretty before but…”

“Oh, yeah. He’s damn pretty,” Vanessa agrees. Eddie’s cheeks start to hurt with how much he’s
smiling. “Is he watching your kid? Pepa mentioned you had one.”

“Yeah, that’s Chris. He’s incredible. Buck’s incredible with him, too.”

“You’ve gotta work on your poker face, buddy,” Vanessa teases as she hands the phone back to
him. He takes one last long look before sliding it back into his pocket and returning her glance with
 a questioning look. “You’ve looked like an absolute fool since the moment you mentioned him.
Pretty soon, everyone is going to know the way you feel, whether you want them to or not.” She
pauses for a moment, a sad smile on her painted lips. “Believe me, I know.”

Eddie doesn’t know how to respond but luckily he doesn’t have to. Their waiter comes over with
their first round of drinks and the conversation flows easier after that. The topics are light; weather,
work, Chris, and meddling tias. Even though he has much more fun than he expected, by the time
they’re finished with their cocktails, he’s ready to be home. He’s ready to be with Buck.

He walks Vanessa to her car, kissing her chastely on the cheek before opening the door and
ushering her into her seat. He promises to stay in touch and she does the same, but he’s sure that
neither of them will. They had that night, and it turned into something pretty amazing. Eye-opening
even, at least for Eddie.

When he makes his way back to his car, his phone chimes again. Eddie knows it’s embarrassing
how fast he reaches for it, but he can’t bring himself to care. When he opens the message, there’s a
photo of a fast asleep Christopher, tucked into his bed and out like a light, judging by the way his
mouth hangs open. Eddie chuckles softly and hovers his thumb over his son's face for a moment
before another message pops in.

Mind if I make myself at home? There’s a photo attached and Eddie gulps as he stares at every
pixel. He sees the familiar and plain off-white wall across from his bed, but he can’t focus on it.
The long and lean muscles of Buck’s calves and thighs take up most of the picture, which Eddie
could never complain about, but his eyes hover over where the picture ends. Buck’s hand is across
his lap, resting over a very thin, very small amount of sheet that Eddie can practically see his dick
through.

He licks his lips hungrily and attempts to reply while putting the car in drive, promising more fun
when he gets home. To the home Buck has pretty much made his own.

He can tell Buck about his Vanessa-induced realization later.

Chapter End Notes

Follow along for the next week as I'll be posting a chapter a day until this is all posted!

Feel free to follow me on Tumblr and Twitter for chaotic content.

 Chapter 2
Chapter Notes

To those of you who said they'd have their tissues ready, this is for you.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Eddie finds it much easier to wake up when Buck’s by his side.

Buck’s already showered and is sorting through the drawer that has somehow become a chaotic
mixture of t-shirts belonging to… either–both?–of them, while Eddie dries off after his own. They
would’ve showered together, but Buck is consistently terrified of being caught with his pants
down, literally, if Chris decides to walk in. It’s cute, really, so Eddie can’t blame him.

While Eddie fixes his hair in the bathroom mirror, Buck wanders in with two shirts in hand, tossing
one more aggressively than needed in Eddie’s direction. He catches it right before it hits his face
and shoots Buck a look.

“You’re going to ruin my hair,” Eddie complains, turning back to check the damage.

“And here I thought I stopped dating women,” Buck notes as he puts on his shirt.

It’s meant to be an easy tease, but something about it feels like an admission. They never had the
‘seeing other people’ conversation, but really, Eddie had never planned to. He was only ever going
to be sleeping with Buck, at least while they had whatever this was between them.

Eddie didn’t expect that from Buck, who openly slept around with friends before, and most were
during the same periods. It wasn’t fair for Eddie to throw a wrench in that.

But Buck wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. In fact, Eddie thinks it’s safe to make the assumption
Buck isn’t even dating anyone else. It warms something inside of him that turns his cheeks red,
and it doesn’t go unnoticed by Buck.

“What? Can’t get enough of me?” Buck says, a smirk pulling at his lips as he approaches Eddie
like a lion stalking a lamb.

“I’m just thinking about that thing I learned about you last night,” Eddie retorts coyly. Buck’s
slyness turns to vague embarrassment, redness burning at his cheeks this time. Eddie uses it to his
advantage and backs Buck up until he hits the linen closet door with a soft thud. “Didn’t realize
someone could love teeth so much.” He punctuates his point by licking a stripe up Buck’s neck and
pulling his earlobe between his teeth, biting down on it gently.

“How much time do we have before we have to check on Chris?” Buck asks, eyes darting to
Eddie’s lips when he pulls away, fingers dipping into the spot where Eddie’s towel meets his waist
to pull him closer.

Eddie presses a few chaste kisses to Buck’s chest, outlining the tattoo over his heart with his lips
until Buck is pliant in his hands. Then, he sucks and bites the skin just above the tattoo but just
below where it would be visible in one of his shirts, only pulling away when he’s sure he’s left a
lasting bruise. Buck’s biting down on his lip to hold back the moans Eddie knows he’d be letting
out if Chris wasn’t awake, eyes shut like he’s composing himself. When he opens them, there’s
only hunger and desperation that Eddie is quick to squash.

“Just enough time for us to brush our teeth so we can use them later,” Eddie decides with a wink.

He presses a quick kiss to Buck’s lips before making his way to the sink and grabbing his
toothbrush. Buck follows with a groan and a sigh, making a scene of grabbing his own toothbrush
and stealing the toothpaste out of Eddie’s hand. There’s something domestic about the scene. The
sink isn’t nearly big enough for two people but Buck doesn’t move away. He presses his shoulder
against Eddie’s like he’s reluctant to put distance between them, and Eddie isn’t going to say
anything to make that happen.

Instead, he glances up at the mirror and sees Buck watching him with curious eyes. He smiles as
best as he can with a mouth full of toothbrush, and Buck returns the look brightly. For slightly
longer than needed, they just gaze at each other, taking in the morning, the comfortability of
getting ready with someone important to them, and the ease with which they maneuver around each
other and with one another.

Like he said, Eddie could get used to this.

Buck pushes him aside with a small nudge of his hip and leans down to spit in the sink, cupping
some water in his hands to rinse out his mouth. When he’s done, he stands up and waits for Eddie
to do the same. Usually, Buck would have left to wake Chris up while Eddie finishes getting
dressed, but this morning, Buck decides they have a few moments to spare.

“Maddie texted me this morning. Our, uh, parents are coming to town. They want to try to be more
involved with Jee apparently? I don’t know…” Eddie senses the innate sadness in Buck and grabs
his hand in an instinctual reassurance so he can continue. “Maddie’s having them over for dinner
next week and told me I should bring this ‘lady friend’ I’ve been hiding from her, but of course…”
Buck gestures broadly at the very unladylike figure Eddie has which causes them both to laugh.

“I mean, I’m sure I’d look great in a dress, but I think my face gives away my masculinity,” Eddie
says, rubbing his free hand over the stubble that’s formed on his chin over the last day or so.
“What are you going to do?” he asks once Buck has smiled again.

“Do you want to come anyway?” Buck asks. Eddie freezes for a second, considering. Is Buck
asking him to meet his parents? Is he asking for more than what they’ve silently agreed on? “I’m
gonna be alone with the happy family that is the Buckley-Hans and the perfect couple that my
parents pretend to be. I could use a friend.”

Friend, sure.

“I’m there, Buck. You know I’m there.” They share a short silence before Eddie lets go of his hand
in favor of grabbing the shirt Buck had previously thrown at him off of the counter. “Abuela’s
been bugging me for some Chris time, so this will be perfect,” he reassures.

“As perfect as a dinner with Phillip and Margaret can be,” Buck mutters. Eddie’s not sure if it’s the
right thing to do, but he tugs at the hem of Buck’s shirt to get his attention.

When Buck’s eyes meet his, he raises his eyebrows and says, “I’ll be by your side the entire time.”

And when Buck kisses him softly, resting their foreheads together to breathe for just a moment
before the pounding on the door reminds them of Chris, Eddie wonders if he’ll get to keep Buck
forever.
For some reason, Eddie is nervous. It’s not like he hasn’t met the Buckley parents before and they
don’t know he’s fucking their son now, but something about meeting them and being all too aware
of the fact that he is definitely fucking their son has him feeling antsy. He hasn’t had the “meet-the-
parents” dinner since he was 16 years old, holding Shannon’s hand under the table while she told
them she was pregnant. That wasn’t exactly the ideal experience to compare this to.

Besides, Eddie is a friend. Isn’t that all that Buck wants him to be? At least for the night, he can
just be Buck’s friend and pretend that they haven’t woken up together more often than not in the
last few weeks.

“You look like you’re about to have a panic attack,” Buck jokes, but then his eyes go wide and he
grips Eddie’s shoulders tightly. “Wait, you’re not having your panic attacks again, are you?” Eddie
rolls his eyes and shakes his head, shrugging Buck off of him.

“No, Buck, I’m just thinking,” he undersells.

“About that, uh, famous chick? The one with the bad luck?” Buck’s voice is off and he seems to be
avoiding the questioning look Eddie immediately shoots his way.

“Felisa?” Eddie asks, just to make sure he’s hearing Buck correctly.

Buck scoffs and replies, “Have you met other famous girls with bad luck in the last week?”

“Alright, Mr. Sarcasm,” Eddie says, holding his hands up in mock surrender. “I haven’t even
thought about her since I met her at the beach.”

“What? Did the date not go well?” Buck finally looks at him and there’s something in his eyes that
makes Eddie uneasy.

“Date? What date?”

“Oh, c’mon, Eddie. You can still talk to me about girls even though we’re sleeping together,” Buck
explains, but Eddie doesn’t even remotely believe him, and even if he did, he hasn’t thought of
anyone but Buck that way in weeks.

“I have no interest in talking about girls with the man I’m sleeping with, thank you very much.”

“I was just trying to be supportive,” Buck says with another scoff.

“Buck, I’m not going to see anyone while we–” Eddie cuts himself off, because while Buck has
made it clear he’s not seeing other people, Eddie still had that above him. It was an escape plan he
had in the back of his mind, but now it’s out in the open, no longer at his disposal when his
feelings for Buck become too much. “She was lost. I felt sorry for her. I know what it feels like to
think you have no one.”

Buck frowns and nods, knowing Eddie is referring to his time away from the 118. They haven’t
talked about it, but Buck knows how difficult it was for Eddie to cut his ties with the LAFD. Sure,
he still had dispatch, but it wasn’t the same and both of them knew that. Both of them had felt that.
He might contemplate how codependent they are on each other later, but for now, he’s going to
latch onto having Buck forever.

“So, uh…” Maddie mentioned that Albert decided to extend his visit to Korea, so it looks like it’s
just gonna be my parents, Maddie and Chimney, and us,” Buck changes the subject, which Eddie is
ultimately grateful for. “Kinda bummed that we won’t have the comedic relief Albert always
provides,” he admits.
“What? You don’t think I’m funny?” Eddie asks, placing a hand over his heart dramatically while
Buck holds back a smile. “See, I’m plenty funny. I make you and Chris laugh all the time.”

“That’s because we like you,” Buck retorts. He moves to walk by Eddie and presses a gentle kiss to
his temple before gesturing toward the kitchen. “Get the rosemary potatoes ready, would you? I’m
just going to try not to freak out before we go.”

“It’s going to be fine, Buck,” Eddie reassures with a soft laugh at Buck’s panicked antics. “Meet
me at the front door in five or I’ll assume you’re hurt and call 9-1-1.”

“With my luck, you’ll get Josh or Linda and I’ll never hear the end of it from Maddie,” Buck
complains.

“You foiled my plan!” Eddie shouts as he sprints to the kitchen.

He hears Buck’s laughter follow him, and it’s only when they get to the car that he realizes Buck
didn’t give himself time to freak out.

From the second everyone arrives, Eddie can already sense the tension in the air. Chimney
welcomed them as Evan and Edmundo and Margaret and Philip were smiling too hard for anyone
to believe they were happy. Eddie feels like he is in a horror movie destined to end in tragedy.
Everyone is immediately grateful when Jee wakes up from her nap and gets handed off to the
grandparents to keep them occupied.

While they’re busy, Maddie gestures for him and Buck to follow her into the kitchen where
Chimney stirs at the food on the stove. Immediately, Buck grabs Maddie’s hands and the two share
a deep breath before letting out small laughs.

“Evan, I thought you were bringing a date?!” Maddie chastised.

“Lovely to see you, too, Maddie,” Eddie teases. She rolls her eyes happily and pulls him into a
tight, apologetic hug. “I’m sorry to disappoint, but most nights when Chris isn’t home, Buck keeps
me company because he knows how lonely I get.” Buck shoots him an impressed look from
behind Maddie’s back at the faux story Eddie makes up.

“You’re telling me that all these nights off and away from his apartment, Buck’s been hanging out
with you?” A brief spark of panic causes Eddie to freeze, but Buck’s more than happy to take over.

“I told you, Maddie. I don’t have a ‘lady friend’ or whatever you keep calling this imaginary
woman. I have Eddie,” he says. They both catch the double entendre but instead of being comical,
it feels like another unintended admission.

If Maddie wasn’t so panicked about her parents in the other room, he wonders if she would’ve
caught on. She’s smart like that.

“Well, an ‘Eddie friend’ is just as welcome here,” she replies before her smiling face falls in worry.
“What if I didn’t make enough food?” she asks, glancing between all three men like she’s waiting
for them to ease her anxiety. Thank God, Chimney is good at that.

“We’ll serve your parents first and then we’ll eyeball four servings from there. Buck, Eddie, you
guys don’t mind holding back if you need to, do you?”

They shake their heads in unison, Chimney’s tone indicating there’s no room for another answer.
“See, Maddie, we’ve got this. Your mom loves the backsplash, your dad’s giving me the head
chair at the table. This is going to be easy.”

Eddie wonders if that was the moment Chimney willed it into existence.

A few minutes later, Philip is patting a teary-eyed, laughing Buck on the shoulder like a father
should with his son, and Maddie’s smiling wider than he has ever seen her, hand laced with
Chimney’s on the table while Margaret watches them with a soft gaze. Eddie feels only a little out
of place as he watches the family around him talk about recent stories and Jee-Yun’s firsts.

By the time everyone is finished eating, the fun is still going on, so Eddie decides to stand up and
start clearing.

“Eddie, no! You don’t have to do that!” Maddie urges, but Eddie shakes his head. He feels Buck’s
hand graze his and looks down just in time to see him quickly pull away like he’s forgotten who is
in their presence.

“My abuela always taught me that if I do nothing to prepare for dinner, I clean it up. You all keep
the conversation going and I’ll get this out of your way,” Eddie reassures.

Maddie pats his arm gently and mouths her thanks before Eddie starts cleaning. He makes a few
trips to the kitchen until the table is almost spotless and the family has agreed to move to the living
room. While the family plays with Jee, Eddie makes himself at home in the kitchen.

Unlike his son and Buck, Eddie likes doing the dishes. It gives him time to think, time to reflect,
time to consider his day. It was also time he spent with Buck while Christopher was off doing his
homework on most days, so he may be a little partial.

“Mind if I join you?” Eddie turns to see Margaret in the kitchen archway, almost empty wine glass
in hand and an unsure look on her face.

“You don’t have to, ma’am. I can finish these up!”

“Oh, aren’t you one with the manners!” Margaret gushes as she wanders in. She pours a few more
sips worth of wine into her glass and leans against the counter. She’s watching Eddie like she
knows too much, and that makes him want to make an excuse to leave. “You’re my son’s partner?
Is that correct?” For a moment, Eddie panics. Then the tension in his shoulders falls away when he
remembers how Maddie had explained their relationship earlier.

“Yes, ma’am–”

“Margaret, please. We don’t have those manners in Pennsylvania like you do in Texas.” She shoots
him a wink and he can’t help the small laugh that escapes when he realizes how similar it is to
Buck.

“Buck and I have worked together for the last couple of years. Been through a lot together, but
there’s no one I trust more than him,” Eddie explains, meaning every word.

Margaret nods and sits in a too-long silence before clearing her throat.

“You’ve been there for him,” she says. Eddie wonders if it’s meant to be a question, but she says it
so matter-of-factly that he doesn’t bother answering. “Maddie’s kept us updated every time Evan’s
gone and gotten himself hurt. He’s been through explosions and tsunamis, blood clots, a shooting,
for God’s sake.”

“The shooting was actually me,” Eddie corrects, earning a small glare that he’s seen hundreds of
times before on Maddie’s face. “Sorry, ma’am– Margaret.”

“Maddie tells me that you’ve been there, the entire fire department that he seems to consider his
family–”

“We are his family,” Eddie interrupts. He doesn’t know where she’s going with this, but he sets
down the dishes in his hands and turns toward her, unafraid to face whatever she’s angling at. He’d
defend Buck until the end of the world.

“You’ve been more of his family than we have,” she admits. Eddie opens his mouth to argue but
closes it when he realizes what she said. “Anyways, Evan has always been this way, you know.
Ever since his sister gave him that deathtrap of a jeep, he’s found adrenalin in any way he can. He’s
tried the Navy, he’s tried car racing, motorcycle racing, even bull riding, but nothing seemed to
stick.”

“Bull riding?” Eddie asks with a small chuckle. He pictures Buck in the outfits his rancher friends
used to wear–leather chaps over tight jeans, button-down shirts that would no doubt rip in the fray,
and the signature cowboy hat. How did Eddie not realize he was gay? He shakes his head to get rid
of the thought and focuses his attention back on Margaret.

“This place, this family… you. You stuck with him. You would’ve been there for him if he–” She
cuts herself off, glancing away from Eddie and to the freshly mopped floor beneath them. Eddie
knows how she feels. Even the slight thought of losing Buck sends him into a spiral he has only
recently figured out how to control.

“I would’ve. He’s taken care of around here,” Eddie promises her. Margaret smiles at him and nods
like she truly believes him, and she should.

Eddie’s hands are gripping the lip of the sink he’s leaning against, knuckles probably turning white
from the intensity. He hopes it’ll stop two things from happening.

One, he doesn’t want to get too riled up over the Buckley’s past mistakes. Eddie will never forgive
them but Buck will. He’s got too big of a heart not to. So he needs to figure out how to do both.

And secondly, Eddie needs something to distract him from the thought of Buck on a hospital bed.
He’d sat by too many times, not knowing whether Buck would wake up again or if he would be
himself when he did.

The reminder of the panic, the desperation, the overwhelming heartache- it isn’t something Eddie
expected to hit him so hard at that moment, but he glances back up at Margaret to see recognition
in her eyes and he realizes his reaction is exactly the confirmation she needed. The knowledge that
Buck has been okay because he’s had Eddie, and that he’ll continue to be okay whether he has his
parents in his life or not.

“We’re going to try. To– To be better parents, to be more present for Jee, even though we weren’t
for Evan or Maddie. I think having you on my side will help with healing whatever brokenness
we’ve created.”

“Buck might rely on us, but he makes his own decisions. He won’t be influenced by what I have to
say, and if he was, he might not be as quick to forgive you,” Eddie admits honestly. Margaret nods
again, the smile on her face pulling into something knowing.

“He’s my son and I know him better than anyone else,” Eddie wants to interrupt but Margaret holds
up one motherly finger, “even if that’s not what everyone believes.” She doesn’t leave room for
argument. “He cares about you, Eddie. More than I think either of you know. So I’m extending the
branch and I hope you’ll take it.”

A few moments of silent understanding pass, and Eddie gives into what he knows Buck would
want. He nods, then Margaret nods, then Buck turns the corner into the kitchen.

“Hey, Mom, what’s–” He stops when he sees them facing each other and his eyebrows pull
together. “What’s going on?”

“I was just learning a little about your friend here, dear. He’s got quite the manners, doesn’t he?”
She pats Buck’s chest as she walks past and sends Eddie another subtle smile that he returns easily.
He goes back to doing the dishes, shaking his head with near-silent laughter as Buck slips next to
him.

“What was that about? You’re okay with my mom now?” Buck asks, and even though he tries to
hide it, Eddie can still hear the hope in his voice. Instead of answering his question, he opts to
change to a much more interesting subject.

“You didn’t tell me you used to be a cowboy. Did a lot of riding, did you?”

Buck groans and slams his forehead against Eddie’s shoulder, and Eddie accepts Buck’s seemingly
nonanswer at face value. Eddie looks around to make sure there are no prying eyes and presses a
gentle kiss to the side of Buck’s head before going back to working on the dishes.

He’s got a lot to think about, and he has Margaret Buckley to thank for that. What kind of alternate
universe has he found himself in?

“It was great to see you, Mom,” Buck says, pulling Margaret into a tight squeeze. When he pulls
away, he shakes his dad’s hand and they both nod, a silent goodbye but one that doesn’t falter the
bright smile on Buck’s face.

“Maddie, Chim, as wonderful as always.” Chimney waves from where he’s cleaning up, and
Maddie holds out Jee to them.

“Me first!” Eddie calls, pushing Buck aside with his hip gently so he can hug the girl and blow a
raspberry on her cheek. She laughs brightly, with the kind of joy only a child can feel, and then
reaches for her Uncle Buck.

“There’s my girl!” Buck holds her high above his head, earning even more fits of giggles, before
pulling her into his arms tightly. He sighs, like he’s savoring the moment with his niece, and
Eddie’s heart feels like it’s going to burst out of his chest.

“He’s always been great with kids,” Margaret comments from beside Eddie. He turns to smile at
her and ignores the skeptical and question-filled stare from Maddie who watches on.

“He’s great with mine,” Eddie adds. Buck smiles over at him, a softness to it that Eddie wishes he
could bottle up and drink down whenever he feels sad.

“Well,” Buck begins, handing Jee back to her mother, “I think it’s time for us to make our leave.
Abuela will be back with Christopher in just a little bit.” He shoots Eddie a look that answers his
unspoken question. Abuela has Chris for the night–overnight. But if Buck wants them out, he’ll go
along with any story.

“Spanish grandmothers are the most punctual women I’ve ever met,” Eddie adds, trying his best to
keep the conversation normal. Buck knows how bad he is at lying, though, so he cups his hand
around Eddie’s shoulder and starts to maneuver them backward. “It was really great to see you both
again,” he says, surprisingly telling the complete truth. “Chim, we’ll see you tomorrow. Maddie,
Jee, wonderful hosts as always.”

“Alright, Mr. Manners, let’s get outta here,” Buck grumbles, earning laughs from everyone inside
that only muffle when the door closes between them. “C’mon,” Buck says, voice and body
screaming impatience that Eddie doesn’t quite understand.

“Buck, what’re you–”

He’s pressed up against the side of the house before he can even finish his sentence. Buck’s lips
catch his in a passionate kiss like he’s been holding in the urge all night, and Eddie knows just how
he feels.

Buck’s fingers are laced between his, pushing Eddie’s back into the rough brick behind him. It
should hurt, and distract him from the kiss, but the way Buck’s body rolls against his is distraction
enough to keep them going. He practically whines into Buck’s mouth without thinking, which
causes Buck to bite down on his bottom lip in retaliation, a harsh reminder of where they are and
who might be able to hear them.

They stay like that for only a few minutes, desperate kisses and hips grinding to a nonexistent
rhythm before everything slows down. Buck’s lips stay connected to his, but softer, gentler like
Eddie’s turned delicate. His knee slots in between Eddie’s legs, but he’s not moving, just pressing
their bodies together so that nothing can fit between them. He leads Eddie’s hands to his shoulders
before trailing his now-free fingers down to Eddie’s waist, cupping the muscle there and running
his thumb over the lower corner of his abdomen.

It’s a whiplash that has Eddie’s body singing. Buck’s never been this gentle with him. He’s been
gentle–cuddling after fucking Eddie into oblivion, running his hands through Eddie’s hair while
they watch a movie on the couch, kissing Eddie’s forehead when he has to leave before Eddie has
the time to fully wake up.

But there’s something different about the way Buck is kissing him right now.

He can’t seem to place where it’s coming from or how long it’s going to be there, but Eddie holds
onto Buck’s shoulders with urgency before Buck reaches up with one hand to wrap his fingers
around Eddie’s wrist. He pulls away a few inches to press his thumb against Eddie’s rapidly
thumping pulse and Eddie wonders if maybe that’s the point. Eddie brings his other hand to Buck’s
jaw, sliding it down slowly to rest two fingers against the skin of Buck’s neck, letting out a breath
he didn’t realize he was holding when Buck’s pulse raced underneath them.

“Want to head back home?” Buck asks, like home is wherever Eddie is.

“Yeah. Let’s head home,” Eddie agrees, because home is wherever Buck is, too.

By the last call of the next day, Eddie has spiraled through no less than six hundred different ways
to tell Buck he wants more than just a side of his bed. It’s been storming heavily for the last few
shifts, both in Eddie’s mind and in Los Angeles, and he feels like if he can just get through the
physical storms, he can get through the ones swirling around his mind as well.

He wants to tell Buck, he does. The kiss at Maddie’s house was different. The way Buck held his
hand delicately over the center console was different. When they slept together that night, it was
different. There was a tension in the air that he wanted to blame on the lightning sparking overhead
because it was easier than admitting that maybe everything was about to change.

They’re sitting in the ladder truck on their way to a building fire when Buck starts talking about the
dinner. He says, “It kind of felt like we were an actual family,” and Eddie knows he’s talking about
the fact his parents weren’t complete assholes, but Buck looks at him like he means something
different. Something Eddie can’t quite think about before potentially diving headfirst into another
fire.

Then Bobby had to go ahead and open his stupid mouth that always seemed to spout words of
wisdom every single person in the vicinity needed to hear.

“Life’s too short to take those relationships for granted.”

Eddie really knows this time that Bobby is talking about Buck’s parents, but Buck looks at him like
they have something between them they have been taking for granted and the storms thundering in
Eddie’s mind open up to drench him in emotion.

It won’t be enough for him anymore, to pretend like he’s touching Buck in heady lust and nothing
else, to minimize whatever he feels for Buck that’s been brewing deep in his stomach and heart for
the last few weeks–years if he’s truly honest with himself.

Of course, he doesn’t have time to dwell on it now and he will have time later, so he jumps out of
the truck and awaits instructions from Bobby.

“Chimney, Buck, Eddie. You guys are on ladder duty. I want you to get up to that window and hit
it. Let's go!”

They’re all moving before he can even finish the instructions. Eddie’s getting the ladder in place
while Chimney prepares to climb up when Buck saunters up, full of confidence and a swag Eddie
hates on most days, all harnessed up and ready to go.

“Hey. Where do you think you're going? I got this,” Chimney says. Buck rolls his eyes, barely
noticeable through the heavy streams of rain.

“No way, you got the last one!” Buck argues.

“Didn't realize you were keeping track,” Chimney grumbles.

“Come on, Chim, it's me. I'm always keeping track,” Buck teases. He winks at Eddie so only he
can see it, and Eddie lets out a huff of laughter at his antics. He grabs onto Buck’s jacket before
clipping the safety rope onto his harness. Chimney checks that it’s secure, like Eddie would risk
that when it’s Buck on the other end, and when he gives the go-ahead, Buck turns to make his way
up the ladder.

“All right, cowboy, go get 'em!” Eddie shouts. Eddie regrets the words as soon as they leave his
lips, but Buck looks back abruptly with his mouth open like he’s utterly shocked, and Eddie forgets
what regret feels like. He winks at Buck this time and knows by the immediacy Buck turns away
that he’s got a blush covering his damp cheeks.

It’s so normal. Chimney and Buck argue like brothers, Buck and Eddie flirt like lovers, Bobby
shouts instructions like a father, and Hen reassures those surrounding her like a mother. It’s the
family that Bobby doesn’t want him to take for granted, and he makes up his mind on the spot.

When Buck gets down off of that ladder, Eddie’s going to ask him out. Like, on a real date kind of
 out. And he’s going to make his intention as clear as day so that even Buck can’t try to avoid what
the ask means.

Yeah, once Buck’s down that ladder, Eddie will be brave.

He feels the change in the air almost immediately–goosebumps bubble on his arms, static energy
touches each inch of his skin, and his entire body tingles in excitement–at the prospect of being
something more to Buck than the unnamed thing they currently are.

In a flash, he’s thrown ten feet away, landing on the pavement with a pained grunt, his helmet
bouncing off of his head at the impact. It takes him a few seconds to sit back up, his mind trying to
interpret what could’ve just happened, when he sees his helmet on the wet ground. He places it
back on his head in case something else tragic happens, and pats it to somehow shake the dizziness
away. His back hurts, his head not too far behind on the pain scale, and he can’t tell if his vision is
blurred from the rain or from whatever knocked him so far away from his station.

But then everything goes blank. He sees Buck hanging from the ladder and nothing else matters.

Chapter End Notes

Feel free to follow me on Tumblr and Twitter for chaotic content.

 Chapter 3
Chapter Notes

I'm so happy y'all liked the last chapter. It was definitely one of my favorites to write!

Now, everyone give Eddie huge ghost hugs because he deserves them after this
chapter.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

“Buck!”

Eddie’s off the ground before anyone else moves. His feet carry him to the ladder and up,
screaming Buck’s name and hoping it’ll be enough to wake him. He doesn’t even know if it’s safe
on the top of the ladder, but his mind is swimming through the panic telling him to stay put. It’s
only Buck, who hasn’t moved in ten, fifteen, twenty steps.

“Buck!

Eddie reaches for the rope, grunting as he struggles to pull. It’s not even budging and it’s not
moving. It’s not moving because Buck isn’t moving. Eddie can’t pull him up, he can’t pull him up,
and he doesn’t know what to do.

“Can you hear me?”

Nothing.

“Buck!”

Nothing.

Eddie takes one second–just one is all he can afford–to figure out what to do next, and he shouts
down to Chimney when he figures it out.

“We need more slack!”

If he can’t pull Buck up, he’ll lower him down and into the arms of the others he trusts with his
life–with Buck’s life.

When there’s no more tension on the rope, Eddie drops back, practically tripping down the ladder
in an attempt to get to Buck. He hears Bobby’s commands for Buck to wake up, shouting his name
like it’ll be enough. He hears the muffled realization that Buck has no pulse, Chimney shouting for
the lifepak, an argument from Hen about Buck being shocked already.

It takes Eddie this long to realize that Buck’s been struck by lightning.

He rounds the corner to see Chimney straddling Buck, begging for him to, “Come on!” He’s
frantically pressing down on Buck’s uncovered chest. Eddie wants to cover him, keep the rain from
wetting his perfect skin, and he wonders if Buck can even feel the cold impact of the drops.
“Chim, we gotta move!” Bobby commands, and Eddie panics. He can’t let Buck get hauled away
without a chance to–

He attempts to push past Bobby, a frenzied flailing to his movements that are instantly noted by his
captain, even through their Buck-induced worry.

“We gotta go. Eddie, you’re driving,” Bobby decides.

Eddie doesn’t think he has it in him to take the wheel knowing that Chimney and Hen are doing
life-saving work on Buck just behind him, but if Bobby wants him to, he will. There’s a reason
Bobby is the boss here, and Eddie trusts the man with his life.

Bobby’s talking into the radio, warning the hospital that they’re on their way, that they don’t have
a civilian, they have a firefighter.

“Firefighter down.”

The last time Eddie heard those words, it was him on the ground. He had a bullet in his shoulder
and hot pavement burning the skin on his face. He had a blurry outline of Buck in his eyesight and
he had reached forward, knowing that Buck would get there to help him, to save him.

Buck was the last person Eddie saw before he got shot.

Eddie was the last person Buck saw before his heart stopped.

Eddie can’t decide what fate is trying to tell him, but he doesn’t have time to dwell on it.

They’re at the hospital before Eddie knows it, and the lack of memory from the drive should be
terrifying, but he doesn’t care. He can’t care, not when Chimney’s still performing CPR, and it’s
still raining.

“Chim, I’ll take over!” Eddie shouts. He leaves no room for argument, practically shoving
Chimney aside so he can lean over Buck and place his hands over his heart.

The heart that Eddie thinks he’s falling in love with. The heart that Buck wears on his sleeve for
everyone to see, to pick at, to break. The heart that Eddie would protect with his entire life. The
heart that’s belonged to Eddie for the last few weeks—probably longer, if he’s being honest here
—but hasn’t known it.

“30-year-old male struck by lightning. Full cardiac arrest. He was down three minutes before we
started compressions.”

Buck’s reduced to the smallest aspects of himself as they push past the glass doors. His age, his
gender, and his medical condition. The possible state of his body after lightning sliced through
him, and the allergies they figured out during his last few hospital stays.

“We got a pulse!”

But there’s no relief.

Eddie wants to tell the doctors about his giant heart, his obnoxiously amazing, sponge-like brain
that absorbs the most random of facts, his ability to smile and laugh just to make others happy, his
optimism for everyone else but himself, his love for Chris, Jee, his sister, the family he grew up
with and the family he’s made. He needs them to know that Buck is more than just a firefighter
injured on the job.
He’s everything, and Eddie needs a chance to tell him that.

“We’ll do our best,” the doctors promise. Eddie knows what that means, and it’s not good enough.
Not for Buck.

“Do more!” he shouts, begs, pleads, prays.

It’s only when he’s out of sight that Eddie realizes he can’t keep his promise.

So he changes it.

When Buck wakes up, he’ll never not know how much Eddie loves him.

When Buck wakes up…

Eddie can hear the incessant beeping through the thin walls surrounding Buck’s hospital room. He
wishes they had put him in a room without the glass window. Through it, Eddie can only focus on
the tube they forced down Buck’s throat to keep him breathing, to keep him alive. It’s all too
similar to the last time he saw Shannon, right before she never woke up.

He wants to scream, to cry, to tell everyone that he can't lose Buck, not like he lost her. He wants to
take the doctors by their shoulders and shake them into trying something else, that there has to be
something more they can do than just wait.

“It’s up to him now.” That’s all they keep telling him. There are other variations, too.

“He has to heal himself.”

“He’ll wake up in his own time.”

That last one’s what Eddie fears the most. If it’s up to Buck, will he come back?

Eddie has never told anyone this, but when his bullet wounds were healing and he was in a similar
position to Buck, his mind settled him in a comfortable dream. Every day that went by in this
magical place felt like an eternity of happiness. He still had his family, his friends, his son, and his
wife. He had everyone that mattered, and nothing could ever go wrong. Nothing ever went wrong.

He can’t help but hope that Buck isn’t experiencing something similar. If there’s a perfect world, it
won’t be one where Eddie and Buck aren’t together, where they have people more important to
them than each other. Eddie prays that Buck believes that, but there’s a part of him that fears.

Buck doesn’t know the extent of Eddie’s love. He died before Eddie could tell him. He’s not dead,
Eddie knows, but he died anyway. His heart was kept beating by his family and restarted by the
one who loves him more than anyone. But he still died before Eddie could gather up enough
courage to tell him.

And now? Now Eddie can’t even bring himself to go into the room and sit next to the person he
undoubtedly loves.

“I brought you some coffee,” a quiet voice pulls him from his thoughts. When he sees Maddie
beside him, he smiles and accepts the offered drink, even though he doesn’t need caffeine to keep
his eyes open. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to sleep until Buck wakes up. “It’s been almost 24
hours, Eddie.”

Eddie nods. “It’s going to take longer than that for his body to heal.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Maddie says softly, leaning against Eddie’s arm, her head dropping onto
his shoulder. “You’ve barely sat down for longer than 15 minutes and even then, it’s been on this
metal bench that can’t be even remotely comfortable.” She kicks the bench as if punctuating her
point, and Eddie presses his lips together, trying to muster up a retort. “You haven’t gone inside,”
she adds quietly.

“I don’t think I can,” Eddie admits, just as timidly. It should be him in that bed, anyone but Buck in
that bed. Maddie nods like she understands.

“You know, the doctors say that some people in his… state–” she gulps the word out like it hurts to
say it, “remember conversations they had when they wake up. Some say that it helps pull them out
of what’s keeping them… away.”

“You should tell him stories from when you were kids,” Eddie decides.

“I thought he didn’t like them,” Maddie responds, a quizzical look on her face.

“He tells me each one after he sees you,” Eddie tells her. He breathes in deeply, staring through the
window to watch the robotic slow rise and fall of Buck’s chest. “The thing about Buck is that he’s
so optimistic, so happy all the time, but his memory consists of the worst things that have happened
to him and around him.”

Eddie scrubs a tired hand over his face. “He doesn’t remember the good times so much, but he
remembers your mom crying for no reason, he remembers your dad ignoring him when he tried so
hard to be seen, he remembers you staying when he begged you to go away with him.”

“He remembers losing Chris during the tsunami but not the countless lives he saved,” Maddie
begins. “He remembers watching you bleed out on the ground after you got shot but not that he
dragged you away from danger or that he was the first person called when you woke up. He
remembers every single failure he’s ever had but forgets how far he’s come.”

“Yeah,” Eddie sighs. Buck deserves to know how important he is, and how cherished he is. It
should be Eddie in that bed. He lifts his arm enough for Maddie to nestle into his side. “He’s really
something, isn’t he?”

“He loves you, you know,” Maddie says with so much confidence that Eddie believes her for a
moment. Then he shakes his head.

“How can you be so sure?” Eddie asks. There’s hope in his voice that he wishes wouldn’t give him
away so easily. Maddie smiles and glances up at him.

“Besides you making out in our walkway after dinner the other night?” Eddie’s eyes widen as they
snap down to meet hers, sparkling with mischief. “Remember that camera system you guys helped
install in my first place? It exists at the house now.”

“That’s embarrassing,” Eddie mutters, hiding his face in her hair.

She lets out a bright laugh and he hopes Buck can hear it. “It’s not. I just didn’t know that you
guys… You know, figured stuff out.”

“No…” Eddie huffs out a humorless, guilty laugh. “We haven’t, uh, really talked about what all
this means.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“Uh…” Eddie hesitates to tell her, but Maddie levels him with a glare that would make prisoners of
war cave. “A few weeks… maybe? We didn’t really… I haven’t been counting really…”

“Weeks?!” Maddie smacks his shoulder but to his surprise, it’s followed up with the tightest hug
he’s received since he can remember. “Oh, Eddie, I knew you loved him, but this must be so hard
for you. I get why you haven’t gone in.”

“You’re his sister, Maddie. It’s much harder for you and you’ve been able to sit next to him,”
Eddie argues. Maddie just shakes her head.

“I haven’t had to sit next to Howie’s bedside without leaving my own, so I don’t know.” She hides
her face again, wiping away a slow-falling tear. “There was a split second before they told me that
I wasn’t sure who it was who was hurt. It could’ve been my brother or the love of my life. The
odds were stacked against me no matter whose name they said.”

“You have more to lose than the rest of us,” Eddie notes, more casually than he should considering
the topic of conversation. “A brother, a partner who’s the father of your child. I can’t even imagine
being in your position.”

“You are, Eddie,” she urges in the delicate way she has about her. “Right now, just through that
window, you have your best friend, the person you trust with your son, the man that you are
undoubtedly in love with.”

Eddie feels himself choking up but he doesn’t let the emotion overwhelm him. “I know that, I do.
But I wouldn’t be this– This fucked if it was just…”

He lets the me go unspoken.

“But you have yourself, too,” she adds. “You’re Christopher’s father, Buck’s best friend, and the
man he is undoubtedly in love with. You have everything to lose whether it’s him or you in that
hospital bed.” Eddie wants to argue but Maddie holds up her index finger. “You know he would be
saying the same thing if it was you in that bed. Hell, he did the same thing. And do you remember
what you said to him? Because he does. He reminds himself of it all the time.”

“You think you’re expendable, but you’re wrong,” he recites.

“Neither of you are expendable, not to this world, and not to each other.” She stares up at him
fiercely, gripping his upper arms like he needs the pressure for him to listen. “He would want you
in there with him, reminding him what he’s worth and convincing him that he needs to come back
to us. I need you to get him back to us, okay?” Her voice cracks with emotion.

Eddie nods but doesn’t make any moves toward the door. He just watches as she enters, a bright
smile on her face as she sits beside him, grasping his hand in hers. She brings it up to her lips and
kisses the back of it before launching into a story. Eddie smiles because he’s glad that Buck’s
hearing something that’ll make him happy, whether he remembers everything or not.

Maddie motions animatedly around the room and laughs like Buck’s responding and Eddie
wishes–he wishes so badly–that he could have her optimism and strength. He wants nothing more
than to have Buck’s other hand in his and to never let go, but for now, he’s going to take a small
step toward taking care of himself and give himself a few hours of rest in one of the more comfy
waiting room chairs.

Then, he’ll see if he can get himself past the door.

Another 12 hours go by.

Eddie has watched Chimney, Hen, Bobby, Athena, the Buckley parents, Maddie, and even some
random guys from B-shift go into Buck’s room. Bobby and Athena prayed for him, Chimney got
stuck in one of his tubes while Hen laughed maniacally as she helped him untangle, Margaret and
Philip stood back while Maddie continued retelling stories from Buck’s youth. He had everyone
there who he could possibly need, except for Eddie.

Well, and Christopher, who, despite Eddie’s warnings against it, convinced Carla to bring him to
the hospital. Of course, kids aren’t allowed in the ICU, which he has communicated to his son, but
Chris is too smart for his own good and immediately argues against that notion. He even sits
patiently by his dad’s side to show the hospital staff that he won’t disrupt anything or break any
rules but to no avail. He just wants to see Buck, and Eddie curses the override that came with being
a father.

Because he’s got Chris in a wheelchair Carla stole from the emergency room entrance and he’s
wheeling his son down the hallway much faster than he should because Carla can only distract the
nurses for so long before someone comes looking.

Then he’s faced with Buck’s door again. It’s a light, hard wood with only small surface scratches,
but otherwise pristine. It’s strange to think that behind such a simple object is the person who’s
been holding Eddie’s heart captive for weeks, months, maybe even years if he truly admits it to
himself. Strange how just one door can have him frozen when he’s never hesitated running into a
burning building or up a ladder in a lightning storm.

“Dad?” Chris asks, his voice only slightly above a panicked whisper. “Can we go in now?”

Eddie huffs out a laugh because Chris doesn’t realize the gravity of the question. But he’s never
been one to care, as long as he gets the answer he wants–which is arguably too often. Eddie will
have to work on that.

So he presses down on the door handle until the wood creaks open.

The beeping that’s been plaguing his ears for almost two days now is louder than he remembers it
ever being. It’s rhythmic and normal, which Eddie thanks the Lord for, but it rings through his ears
like a siren. A shiver runs through him when he hears the telltale whirring of the ventilator
providing Buck with mechanical breath. He has always hated the sound. It’s one that he’s never
been able to explain because there’s nothing quite like it. Even though it’s keeping the patient
alive, it’s never a good sign, and he’d be hard-pressed to pretend it was ever worth a second
thought.

In this case, Buck is the patient so it has to be a good sign. It needs to be the thing keeping him
here until he can wake himself up.

“Dad, can I sit with him?” Chris asks. Eddie nods and releases the tight grip he has on his son’s
shoulder.

Eddie is supposed to be the strong one, supporting Chris seeing his best friend in a hospital bed,
but he can’t be. Not when his ears start muffling the annoying sounds and his eyes blur with
unshed tears. Christopher makes his way over to the chair previously occupied by Maddie and
reaches for Buck’s hand carefully as he sits. There’s a gentleness in the touch that Chris has never
had to use with Buck before and it makes Eddie’s heart hurt.

Especially when Chris glances back toward the adults and asks, “Is he sleeping?”
“Something like that,” Eddie chokes out. He’s never practiced this facade of normal, didn’t think
he had to after Shannon died.

He can barely say more, barely answer the questions Chris has that are so smart. He asks about the
tubes, about if Buck can hear him, and Eddie wishes he could answer, but he leaves it to Maddie.
She’s more of a medical professional than he is anyway, though they both know it’s not the reason
she’s taken over. Chris seems satisfied with Maddie’s answers because he stands on unbalanced
feet and leans over Buck. Eddie has to resist the urge to help him, but it’s easier than it should be.
He doesn’t think he can get closer to Buck without breaking down, even if it means protecting his
son.

“Hey, Buck. It’s Christopher,” he begins. “Remember when we watched Transformers on our first
movie night? You said you wouldn’t mind being a robot, and… now there’s all these machines
attached to you, so I guess your wish came true.”

Maddie laughs softly and rests her hand on Eddie’s arm as he chokes out what is supposed to be a
chuckle but sounds like a sob. As if expecting the reaction, Chris doesn’t even turn his head, opting
instead to move his grip to Buck’s arm like he does when Buck helps him walk without his
crutches. It’s so normal when the situation is decidedly not.

“I don’t know where you are right now, if you’re sleeping or dreaming, but you have to come
back,” Chris says sternly. “Wherever you are isn’t where you’re supposed to be. You’re supposed
to take me to the park this weekend with Dad so we can get hotdogs from that food truck you like
so much. And so you can pretend to get stuck in the slide even though I’m old enough for that not
to be funny anymore.”

He rolls his eyes dramatically as if Buck can see him, and Eddie does laugh this time. Chris seems
proud of himself when he turns to smile at his dad, but then his face turns serious–more serious
than an almost-teenager ever should be–when he catches the tear that runs down his father’s cheek.
His eyes trace every plane of Eddie’s face but he doesn’t say anything out loud, he doesn’t ask why
Eddie can’t stop tears from falling or why everyone else seems just a little more okay.

Instead, he turns back to Buck and leans into him, resting his forehead on Buck’s temple.

“It’s been harder for Dad, I think,” Chris whispers, though Eddie–and presumably Maddie–can
hear him clearly through the incessant beeping. “He tries to pretend that he’s okay, but he isn’t. He
thinks I can’t tell, but he’s bad at keeping secrets. You are, too,” Chris sighs in what Eddie thinks
might be laughter. “He thinks I don’t know that he likes you, and you don’t think I know that you
like him, but I think everyone knows.”

“Told you,” Maddie mutters, nudging Eddie with her elbow. He swipes at her before bringing both
of his hands up to his face to wipe his cheeks. He’s not sure if he’ll ever stop crying now that he’s
started.

“So, you have to wake up so that you and Dad can stop pretending, okay?” Eddie hears the moment
his son starts to break and steps forward to place a gentle hand on Chris’ shoulder. “You have to
come back,” Chris says with such determination that Eddie can hear a little bit of himself in it.

“He’s gonna come back, Buddy,” Eddie whispers. He ruffles a hand through Christopher’s hair and
tugs him into his side before reaching out to place his hand on top of where his son’s is still
holding on tightly.

They stand in silence for a few moments, Eddie ignoring the soft sniffles echoing from Maddie
until the door opens behind them.
“I kept them as occupied as I could, but they told me I better have the kid with me next time they
see me wandering the halls,” Carla says, voice laced with apology. Eddie shakes his head and
places a gentle kiss on her cheek. “Are you all set in here, Honey?” she directs at Christopher.

“Yeah. Can I stay in the waiting room a little longer?” he asks, pleading gaze locked on his dad.

Before he can answer, Maddie interrupts. “I was going to head down to the cafeteria and grab some
food. I’d love to hear all about those park days my brother takes you on. Would that be okay?”

“Fine with me as long as Carla doesn’t need to be anywhere.”

“I’m staying as close to this one as I can get,” she gestures to Buck, “before he somehow sneaks out
to another hospital without any of us noticing.” Much-needed laughter floats through the air as she
blows a kiss to Buck and reaches for Maddie’s hand to lead her out. “You’ll keep him safe until he
wakes up, yeah?” It’s not really a question, but a firm request for Eddie to stay. He nods because he
doesn’t plan on leaving, not now that he’s finally built up the courage to enter.

He presses a final kiss on his son’s head and accepts Maddie’s gentle squeeze to his bicep as they
all begin to leave. But before they can get out of the door, Chris turns and speaks–sternly but
delicately.

“Talk to him, Dad. If I were him, I’d want to hear you.”

It takes Eddie a solid half hour to get his breathing back to normal after everyone leaves, and
another 15 minutes of hovering and exchanging basic chatter with the on-call nurse before he’s
alone with Buck once again.

Usually, he has no problem having a conversation with Buck, but it’s not until this very moment
that he realizes who usually starts them. He paces around the room, avoiding eye contact with
Buck like there’s a possibility his bright blue eyes might stare back into his. There’s a part of him
that’s glad Buck can’t see him floundering like this. He’d never let Eddie get away with being so
far away, especially if he knew how much of a chicken Eddie had been the last few days. He
decides he can’t let himself continue to shy away from Buck, not when that’s all he’s done.

So he sits down in the chair previously occupied by Chris and takes in each feature of Buck’s face.
His skin is somehow more pale, which Eddie has always joked was impossible, and there’s already
a light shadow on his jaw from being unshaven. The tube in his throat is drying out his lips and
there’s crust in the corners of his eyes. Eddie can’t stop himself from brushing his thumb over it
until it falls forgotten.

Because now Eddie knows that Buck is warm. He’s warm enough that Eddie’s heart jumps into his
throat. A few years ago, he read an article about how body temperatures have been able to predict a
comatose patient’s level of consciousness. The warmer the body, the closer to waking up they are.
It gives Eddie just enough hope to start talking.

“I, uh– Hi, I guess,” Eddie begins, albeit lamely. “I feel like I should apologize for not coming in
here sooner. If you remember anything, it’ll be that it took me so long to get here.” Eddie laughs
and rubs his hand over his face. “I guess I just wasn’t ready to look at you and see– You know
what you look like. We’ve both seen patients like this, family like this, but I– I didn’t think I was
ready to see you like this. And honestly, I’m still not sure.”

He shakes his head and rests his chin in his hands. They’re beside Buck’s, not quite touching but
not quite distant. It feels apt considering their situation, but Eddie doesn’t like being even remotely
far away when he’s got Buck right here. He takes the plunge and slides his hand underneath
Buck’s gripping it tightly just in case someone tries to take him away.

“Chris was here. He made us sneak him in so he could see you. You would’ve– He was just like
you. He didn’t care about the rules, just that he needed to see you and make sure you knew he
wanted you back. You know that, though, don’t you? You know how much we need you? How
important you are to us? Have I–? I’ve told you before, haven’t I?”

Eddie feels the emotion well up in his chest and clears his throat to try to rid himself of it. Of
course that doesn’t work, because he’s kept it inside for too long. It’s been waiting to burst out of
him like a flood cascading through a decades-old dam.

He was able to repair the brick at first, collecting himself before he could break down in front of
his son, Buck’s sister, and someone who technically worked for him. But now? When he’s alone in
Buck’s hospital room? He’s powerless to stop the tears.

“God, Buck, I don’t know what to say here. I don’t know what I can even say. We’re best friends
first, right? Isn’t that what you said? We’re partners and best friends, and sometimes we–” Eddie
stops himself from finishing his sentence, glancing around to make sure no one is listening, “–you
know. That’s what we agreed on. Partners and best friends. But Buck, we’re…”

He sighs, wishing the breath alone could be understood.

“We never really could’ve been just anything. I realize that now. It took me too long to come in
here, to see you laid out on this bed when a real best friend would’ve been by your side the entire
time. A real partner would be the one in this bed, not cowering away from it. Buck… You have to
come back so we can stop ignoring this. Whatever this is, it isn’t something that I’m willing to
lose, not yet. So, you have to come back, okay?”

Eddie isn’t sure what else to say without begging whoever might be listening to wake Buck up. So
he lets his head rest on Buck’s side, hands still intertwined, and finally falls asleep for the first time
in days.

Eddie wakes to a gentle hand in his hair and another resting on his shoulder. He turns his head
enough to see Maddie standing beside him and shoots her a small sleepy smile.

“Hi, Maddie. I didn’t think I would fall asleep,” he mutters. The hand in his hair scratches at his
scalp and he lets out a soft sigh at the feeling. “I’m gonna fall asleep again if you keep doing that,”
he jokes.

There’s a soft rumble beneath his cheek, and a familiar baritone soothes through the air.

“I think I was out long enough for the both of us.”

“Buck,” Eddie breathes. He whips his head around, knocking Buck’s hand from his hair in favor of
getting a better look at the man. Eddie stands and holds his hands out, unsure if he’s allowed to
touch Buck or where it won’t hurt him. “Hi,” he says because he can’t think of anything else to
say.

“Hi, Eddie,” he replies. His voice, while still low and shiver-inducing, has more of a scratch to it
than usual and it’s quiet enough that the beeping of the machines around them drowns a syllable
out.

“How long have you been awake?” Eddie asks. “Why didn’t you wake me up?” he directs at
 Maddie. She holds her hands up in surrender but her smile is so bright that Eddie knows she isn’t
taking him too seriously.

“Relax, I told her not to wake you up,” Buck defends. “She told me you’ve barely slept, which is
obvious with how you didn’t even blink through two nurses and a sobbing Maddie.” She smacks
him gently on his knee and he flinches like it hurts but smiles through it anyway.

“Can I bring everyone else in now?” Maddie asks excitedly. “Mom and Dad have been in L.A. the
entire time and I think Bobby never left the hospital. Everyone is going to be so happy, Buck!” Her
voice breaks at the end and she fans her hands in front of her face to keep away the tears. “I’m
gonna get them. You two… talk, or whatever you need to do.” She winks at them before rushing
toward the door.

“So, uh, Maddie knows,” Eddie begins, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck.

“I gathered,” Buck responds with a soft chuckle. “She mentioned something about security
cameras?” Eddie nods, a blush heating his face. “Does, uh, anyone else?” He sounds hesitant to ask
and it makes Eddie’s heart clench.

“No, they don’t. It didn’t exactly… come up,” Eddie decides to say. Buck nods, biting his lip in
thought. Eddie doesn’t know what he would’ve done if he never saw that again. “Plus, you
unconscious isn’t exactly the best time to make any big declarations, right?”

“Yeah, I’m kind of bummed I didn’t get to hear you all like in the movies. All I got was some
weird coma dream,” Buck teases, but all Eddie feels is relief that he wasn’t heard in such a
vulnerable state. “Is everyone okay?”

“You got struck by lightning, fell off of the ladder truck, lost your heartbeat for three minutes
before any of us could get our hands on you, and spent the last few days on ECMO with a tube
down your throat, barely able to breathe on your own.” Buck gives him a look that makes Eddie let
out an exasperated laugh. “Buck, none of us are okay.”

“Oh…” He nods and blinks a few times, like he’s finally realizing the severity of the situation
everyone has been put through, most especially him. “Are… Are we okay?”

Eddie nods, and Buck smiles, squeezing his hand tightly. He lets go just as the door swings open
and his parents come rushing in, Bobby and Athena right behind them. Eddie steps back from the
bed, giving Buck’s family the time to see him, to tell him how much he was missed. Eddie gives
them that because he doesn’t think he can tell Buck himself, not yet.

Buck is alive, and he deserves a chance to feel the love of everyone around him. For now, Buck
doesn’t know how he feels, and that’s okay because now isn’t the time for either of them to
maneuver into something more.

They have time, right?

Chapter End Notes

It's my birthday! This means that you are obligated to leave kudos/comments if you
enjoyed this one
Feel free to follow me on Tumblr and Twitter for chaotic content.
 Chapter 4
Chapter Notes

I am so grateful for all of these comments and will reply to each of them once I'm not
being visited by online friends!! And thank you for the birthday wishes!!

You all are so sweet and I'm so sorry for how this ends ;alksdjfla;skdjfadls;

See the end of the chapter for more notes

“Between you and Maddie, I’m barely going to be able to leave the house, let alone put my life in
danger,” Buck complains. He’s leaning against the island in his kitchen, Maddie packing the fridge
full of food while Eddie stocks the cabinets with snacks.

“You’re not giving yourself enough credit for how reckless you’ve always been,” Maddie retorts.
“Besides, it’s our job to make sure you’re taken care of, Buck.”

“I’ve got enough food to last me six months, even if Eddie and Chris eat over here every single
night,” he points out.

“We have no idea how long it’s going to take for you to recover!” Maddie defends. She shuts the
fridge and turns to look back at her brother, matching his cross-armed pose with a fiery glare.
“You’re set for six days, six months, and six years as far as I’m concerned.”

“I’m not a child, Maddie. I am fully capable of going to the grocery store and doing most other
things even while I’m supposedly recovering.” Eddie can hear the exasperation in Buck’s voice
and steps forward to rest a hand on his shoulder. The immediate release of tension makes Eddie’s
heart sing.

“You’ve gotta give her a break, Buck. You were seriously hurt, and–”

“You died,” Maddie corrects. She directs her glare at Eddie for a brief moment before gripping her
brother’s biceps tightly like maybe the touch will make her words stick. “Okay? Not hurt, not
almost, but you were dead!”

She pauses and stares into Buck’s eyes like she’s waiting for the realization to occur in them.
Eddie’s glad that he’s not the one in her sights because he can feel his eyes widening, vision
blurring for a moment as a memory of Buck in the hospital bed overtakes them. Buck was dead,
and he’d almost forgotten. He’d minimized the damage for himself, but maybe he also gave Buck
permission to take the entire situation less seriously.

“It was only for three minutes,” he responds. The twin groans that leave Eddie and Maddie’s
mouths should be funny, but both of them are too exhausted to fight with someone as stubborn as
Buck. “Come on. If I can't make a joke about dying, what's the point in living?”

Instead of answering him, Maddie turns toward Eddie. “How long are you here for?” she asks.
Buck scoffs in annoyance and walks away, seemingly accepting the fact Maddie controls his future
for the time being.

“I have to pick up Chris and take him to robotics club around 2:30. When are you out of work?”
“I’m on shift until 7, but I can come back here to make sure he’s all set before bed.”

“Okay, that’s it!” Buck says sternly. “I love you both,” he begins, before adding, “as my sister and
my best friend.” Eddie stifles his brief panic behind a snort.”But I’m a full-grown adult who
doesn’t need to be checked in on before bedtime like a kid.” Before either of them can argue, Buck
holds each of their shoulders tightly. “I promise to take care of myself, okay?”

“It’s just because we love you,” Maddie sighs. Eddie turns to look at her so quickly that he thinks
he might snap his neck. “As your sister and your best friend,” she adds with a roll of her eyes.
“You’ll call me before you head to bed, at least?” It’s a demand, not a question, but it’s nice of her
to give Buck the illusion of choice anyway.

“Yes, Mom, I’ll call.” Buck leans forward and presses a gentle kiss on Maddie’s hair before
pushing her toward the door. “Now get to work before Sue has to come to check on both of us.”

“I love you, Buck,” she says seriously. Buck’s entire body relaxes at the words and Eddie resists
the urge to wrap himself around every inch of him.

“I love you, too, Maddie.”

When the door shuts, Buck turns around with a clap of his hands. He rubs them together and
immediately brushes past Eddie to raid the cabinet above his head.

“Please tell me you bought something unhealthy for me,” Buck pleads.

“You’ve been eating rice cakes and saltine crackers as snacks since I’ve known you,” Eddie
responds, chuckling when Buck turns to him with a pout. “Which is why I ordered us loaded
nachos with extra queso that should be here in ten.”

“You’re my savior, Edmundo Diaz,” Buck says dramatically.

Eddie doesn’t know why it shocks him, but Buck leans forward and presses their lips together
simply, pulling back with a wide smile that drops when Buck seems to take in Eddie’s features.
He’s about to speak, maybe to ask a question or to break the tension, but Eddie doesn’t let him.

He’s made the realization that they haven’t kissed since Buck was struck by lightning, and it’s
something Eddie needs to rectify immediately.

He pulls Buck forward by his waist, one hand pressing against the small of Buck’s back, the other
gripping onto the fabric of Buck’s t-shirt where it lies loosely over his hips. Buck lets out a small
noise of surprise, but catches up quickly, pressing his hand to the back of Eddie’s head while the
other grasps onto his shoulder.

There’s something in the way they clutch onto each other that makes it feel like their first kiss,
their first time, all over again. It’s their first kiss post-lightning strike, post-Buck’s almost–actual–
death, post-Eddie realizing how much he relies on having Buck in his life as more than just his
best friend.

Eddie slides his hand underneath Buck’s shirt, thumb grazing across the soft skin of his waist
before moving to slide up his chest. His fingers flinch when he feels the first of the small ridges he
knows belong to the Lichtenberg figure hidden beneath Buck’s clothes. Eddie caught a glimpse of
the scar when he showed up to bring Buck home, but didn’t have it in him to see the full reminder.

Buck inhales shakily as he pulls his lips away, forehead still resting gently on Eddie’s and eyes
remaining closed when all Eddie wants is to look at him and confirm he’s okay. Buck seems to
read his thoughts, and while Eddie doesn’t get exactly what he wants, Buck nods. He brings his
hand down to wrap his fingers around Eddie’s wrist, gently pushing as if giving Eddie another
round of permission.

The figure is barely raised, and unlike the freshness of the mental wound at the front of both of
their memories, there’s not the familiar heat of a scratch or bumpiness like any other scar. If Eddie
didn’t know it was there, he might not even really be able to tell the difference between it and a
tattoo that hasn’t fully finished healing. Eddie wonders if Buck has lost feeling there, like typical
scars do, or if he ever runs his fingers along each branch as a reminder of what he truly survived.
Eddie wants to do it himself, but before he can fully pull Buck’s shirt over his head, he’s being
pushed back against the island, hands suddenly laced in the large embrace of Buck’s fingers.

Heat floods Eddie’s stomach as Buck grinds forward against him, and the tingling in the back of
his spine becomes almost impossible to ignore when Buck bites down on Eddie’s bottom lip,
tugging the soft, sensitive skin into his mouth. Eddie kisses back desperately, trying to force his
mind to stop spiraling with what-ifs.

What if he never got to kiss Buck like this again? What if he never got to hold Buck like this
again? What if the last time he kissed Buck was the last? What if this is the last time?

Eddie’s grateful for the arrival of their food signified by a sharp knock on the door. Buck pulls
away with a heavy breath, causing Eddie to lean forward to rest his forehead on Buck’s shoulder,
both to hide the emotion on it and to gather his footing after the intensity of the last few minutes.

“Coming!” Buck yells. Then he leans down to Eddie’s ear and whispers, “Unfortunately, not for
you.” Eddie huffs out a laugh and shoves Buck toward the door without opening his eyes.

He breathes in and out, letting the panicked what-ifs remain unanswered for the time being. He’s
supposed to be focusing on Buck and his recovery, so that’s what he’s going to do.

The remainder of the day contains special guest appearances from most of the people in the
Buckleys’ lives. Between Hen, Connor, Albert, and Josh, Buck seems ready to jump out of his skin
by the time Eddie has to leave. While Buck helps him get ready, his eyes plead for Eddie to stay,
which is all he wants to do, but he has to think of his son. Buck understands that, he always has.

Eddie suggests that he come over later before he can think about it. It feels like the natural thing to
do. Before the lightning strike, Buck was spending more and more time at Eddie’s anyway, so why
would that have changed, right? But the way things have changed and could change seems to be
the only thing Eddie can bring himself to think about.

Instead, Eddie has this giant urge to kiss him goodbye, something they’ve never really done before.

He peeks over Buck’s shoulder to see Josh messing with his phone on the balcony. He isn’t usually
the kind of person who takes risks in this department but he figures there are only a few options for
what might happen: Josh sees them and tells his best friend who already knows, Josh sees them
and doesn’t tell anyone because he wouldn’t want to out either of them, or Josh doesn’t see them
and Eddie gets to kiss Buck again. So he takes the risk and raises his hand to Buck’s cheek,
stroking his thumb over his strong, scruff-covered jaw before pressing a gentle kiss against his lips.

Buck sighs into it, leaning into Eddie like he’s forgotten there’s company behind them, his fingers
moving to hang onto the belt loops of Eddie’s pants. It’s casual, but somehow more intimate than
ever, because at this moment, their relationship–or whatever they call it–seems as normal as the
next. Goodbye kisses in front of friends and invitations to homes for the night.
Eddie doesn’t like how easily he might be able to get used to this, so he pulls away a little more
abruptly than he intends to and says his final goodbye.

When he picks Chris up from school and asks him about his day, all he can talk about is when he’s
going to see Buck again. There were a few moments when Buck was in his hospital bed that Eddie
considered what he would tell his son if he could never see Buck again. Every time he thought
about it, he convinced himself that it wouldn’t happen and that Buck would be okay.

Luckily for him, this time Buck was.

But the thought still lingers in his mind like an out-of-tune song stuck in his head. He watches
Chris with his robotics team, smiling and cheering when appropriate, but he’s stuck in his spiraling
thoughts. He brings Chris home and sets him up with his homework while he cooks dinner, but
every time heat escapes from underneath the pan and licks at his hand, he thinks about how easily
fire can demolish everything around it.

He’s sitting beside a tucked-in Chris, listening to him read another chapter of his assigned book of
the month, and it’s like he can’t escape it. He’s all too aware of how the main character–a dog
named fucking Buck–is put in a multitude of situations that almost result in death. The story is
ultimately about survival, but unfortunately, they haven’t gotten to that part yet. The only present
motif is death, a topic that Eddie can’t seem to get away from.

When Buck knocks on his door an hour later, he glances over to the time on the wall and realizes
he’s been stewing in his mind since he tucked Chris in. He swallows dryly and wanders to the
door, swinging it open without even looking because he recognizes Buck’s knock–like he isn’t
already pathetic enough.

“Can we skip the part where you ask me how I am and go straight to the part where I fall asleep in
your bed?” Buck asks, barging past Eddie with a huff.

“The rest of your day went well, I see,” Eddie jokes. “I have to make Chris lunch for tomorrow. Sit
in the kitchen with me for a while?” he asks. Buck nods and runs his hands over his face like he’s
trying his hardest to wipe away whatever frustration he wants to direct at Eddie. “You want a
beer?”

“I thought you wanted me to stay awake?” Buck retorts. He shakes his head as he sits on one of the
wooden chairs in the kitchen with a plop. “Sorry, I– I’ll just have water if you can spare some.”

“It’s in short supply here, but I suppose I can pour you a small glass.” Eddie does so, placing it in
front of Buck who gulps half of it down in one go. Impressed, Eddie takes a much smaller sip of
the beer he opened right after he left Chris’ room, but the warmth of it makes his stomach roll.
Luckily, he doesn’t have to do much to stop it because Buck speaks quickly.

“What do you remember about getting shot?”

Eddie chokes, a mouthful of beer splattering onto the tile floor beneath his feet, the bottle landing
on the wooden table and spilling all over the unopened mail Eddie left there. Buck is quick to react,
picking up the papers before they can get too wet and reaching behind him to blindly grab at the
roll of paper towels they keep on that counter. Eddie doesn’t allow himself to think about how
easily Buck has made himself at home in his house, because he can’t stop thinking about Buck’s
question.

He’s silent for a moment. There’s so much he remembers that he’s never told anyone. He
remembers staring into Buck’s eyes and watching blood cover his face. He remembers thinking,
for a split second, that Buck was hurt, and it was like nothing else mattered. He remembers seeing
Buck crawling under the firetruck and reaching out for him, to tell him to either stop or keep going,
Eddie still isn’t sure.

Sometimes, he has flashes of Buck leaning over him in the ambulance–or fire truck as Buck had let
him know–with panic in his eyes that makes Eddie try to reach up his hands, but there’s pain. He
asks Buck if he’s okay and nine times out of ten, Buck says yes. The other time, Eddie can’t bring
himself to even think about.

He realizes he’s lost in thought when Buck takes another sip of his water, the loud gulp pulling him
back to reality. He clears his throat and starts to busy himself with the peanut butter jar on the table
as he tells Buck the bare minimum.

“There was searing pain. It felt like I got hit by a bus, and I was still standing. I remember falling.
And everything got dark, and I thought, ‘This is it. This is the last moment of my life’.” He finally
glances up at Buck, willing himself to tell him the truth, but unable to. “Then I woke up in the
hospital.”

“And that was it?” Buck asks, disbelief evident on the pinched features of his face.

Eddie shrugs and tells another half-truth. “No bright white lights, no trippy mind puzzles, just
thought I was dead and... then I wasn't.”

Buck nods, staring down at the glass of water about as intensely as Eddie had been at the peanut
butter.

“Am I allowed to ask what you remember?” There are a few beats of uncomfortable silence, so
Eddie decides to ask the other question on his mind. “Am I allowed to ask how you are?”

“Honestly, Eddie?” Buck begins, glancing up at Eddie like whatever admission will follow is too
important to be missed. “I don’t know.”

Before he thinks it through, Eddie says matter-of-factly, “You died, Buck.”

“I died,” Buck repeats. Eddie wonders if it’s the first time he’s said it out loud. He remembers the
feeling. Forming the words feels foreign like it’s something no one should be able to say without a
miracle on their side. And isn’t that exactly what happened in both of their cases?

“You’re allowed to feel a lot of different ways about that. You’re allowed to dictate how you
recover. You are allowed to feel the loss of whoever you were before you got struck by lightning.”

Buck seems to feel the impact of Eddie’s words if the way he bites the inside of his cheek and taps
on the table anxiously with four of his fingers tells Eddie anything–which it always does.

“How do you feel?” Buck asks, and Eddie pauses.

“About dying?” he asks hopefully.

“About me dying,” Buck clarifies, which is exactly what Eddie was afraid of and it doesn’t make
Eddie’s answer easy.

“I think… It was one of the worst days I’ve had… well… ever,” he says honestly. “And I guess
I’m still processing it, just like I processed my own near-death experience, I guess.”

But so entirely different, because I’ve never loved myself as much as I do you.
“But you did, right?” Buck asks timidly. Eddie tilts his head and raises an eyebrow in question.
“Process it? Your own tragedy, I mean.”

“I think… It’s much easier to process something you’ve personally gone through, than what you’ve
watched others go through,” Eddie says simply. It reveals too much, but neither of them mention it.
Buck just nods and stands, holding out his hand to Eddie.

That night, they get into bed and hold onto each other tightly, like neither of them are willing to
give the other a chance to escape their grasp, like either of them are even trying. Eddie feels like
they’re on common ground. They’re both processing the lightning strike, the tragedy that impacted
both of them so thoroughly, but at least they’re doing it together.

Or at least they are, for now.

Eddie isn’t expecting the panic that comes from Buck’s first day back at work. He’s been to most
of Buck’s appointments or at least spoken to Buck almost immediately after the ones that he
couldn’t or didn’t need to attend, so he knows the thoroughness of each test that’s been taken, but
there’s something so terrifying about Buck being in the line of danger again.

He knows he’s projecting. He’s spent the last few weeks basking in their closeness, both of them
leaning on each other more than ever, sharing soft kisses hello and goodbye, holding hands on the
couch when Chris is fast asleep, brushing fingers over arms when the team is busy focusing on
barbequing or herding the kids.

Everything has been good and that’s enough for Eddie to panic at the possibility of another
catastrophe.

After his last appointment, Buck told Eddie that he asked his cardiologist what most people do
after a life-altering situation like he went through. Eddie’s not entirely sure what her answer was,
but Buck seems to think that he’s been given a new lease on his life, and he intends to use it to the
best of his ability.

As someone who has spent the last few years with Buck, the sentiment terrifies him.

It doesn’t help that every call they get the first week Buck is back to work feels like an attempt for
Buck to prove himself. Whether it’s a fire, an accident, or a freak medical emergency, Buck is right
there, proving himself, making a point that he deserves to be there. And he’s good. Eddie’s always
known that Buck’s good at what he does, but every single decision he’s making is calculated, and
every step is taken carefully. It’s a whole new Buck that alleviates some of Eddie’s concerns.

That’s until he’s chest-to-chest with someone almost double his size.

It’s a blood-filled medical call at a bodybuilders competition and for some reason, the crowd is up
in arms. (No pun intended, even though Eddie is quite literally holding a partially deflated one.)
He’s trying to focus on the patient and Hen’s instructions over him, but he can hear Bobby and
Buck trying their hardest to control the crowd.

Every time he glances over, Buck has his hands up like he’s trying to block the crowd from
storming forward, but it only lasts so long. One second, Eddie’s got his eyes back on his patient,
and the next Buck is shoving someone away from him. It’s a gentle push, one that is barely
returned by the man but it’s enough for Eddie’s mind to race.

He sees it so clearly. The man striking Buck square in the chest with closed fists, landing heavy
right above the heart, which it’s unable to take the impact so soon after needing to be restarted.
Buck collapses to the ground like a ragdoll. The crowd surges forward, and he’s trampled in the
stampede before Eddie can even stand.

“Eddie, let’s go!” Hen urges. He shakes his head to see Bobby and Buck making their way toward
him, Athena leading the charge after effectively convincing the crowd to calm down. “You got
him?” she asks. Eddie nods.

“Yeah, I– Yes,” he says, though his voice is shaking more than he’d like.

After he assists in loading the patient into the ambulance, Chimney takes over, and Eddie is left to
join Buck and the others in the ladder truck. His heart is still pounding and his head feels like fog,
but he has Buck pressed to his side to ground him.

“Can you believe that? I missed that kind of adrenalin, Man,” Buck says excitedly. Eddie’s not sure
if it’s directed at him, but he doesn’t answer either way. “Did you see the size of the guy heckling
me? I thought for sure I was a dead man.”

“Buck, stop it,” Eddie snaps. Buck looks monumentally hurt, while Bobby glances back at Eddie
with concern laced in his gaze. “Sorry,” he sighs, “it was loud in there and my head is just…”

He waves noncommittally as if a headache excuses the shortness and to Buck, it does. But Bobby
still eyes him in the mirror, and Eddie pretends he doesn’t notice.

After that call, it’s like Eddie can’t get away from the topic of mortality.

He’s thought about it before–what with being shot twice and buried alive once–but the funny thing
is, he’s never been scared of death. He’s always accepted it as an inevitability. It wasn’t until
Chris’ meltdown over the potential loss of his father that Eddie even considered the death sentence
his job practically put him under, day in and day out. He guesses that he never truly cared too much
about his own like when everyone else around him seemed more important.

Nevertheless, it’s like mortality all but punches him in the face at every moment. He turns on the
TV and there are reminders of death and destruction everywhere. There’s a collapsed bridge on his
way to work one morning and on another, he drives past a few EMTs wheeling out an unconscious
body from a hotel lobby. May negotiates her first hostage situation, Ravi tells his story of saving a
life that didn’t deserve to be saved while losing the one that did, Athena’s under investigation for a
suspicious death in her custody, Bobby grieves the loss of his close friend and sponsor, the list
seems to grow and grow and grow…

So when the 118 come across a living funeral, Eddie isn’t exactly sure how to handle it. Marie
seems happy, all things considered. There’s nothing the team can do for the bone cancer, but for
the superficial injuries, a ride to the hospital is all she’ll need. She introduces the team to Nathalia,
her ‘death doula’ as she calls it, and Eddie’s baffled, to say the least. Why would someone be so
willing to accept and prepare for something so terrifying?

“I prefer end-of-life doula,” Nathalia corrects.

“And here I thought my job was interesting,” Buck notes. He has that flirty tone in his voice that
he’s used on Eddie time and time again, and Eddie’s heart stings at it being pointed at someone
else.

“You just lifted a car off of a human being. I'd say your job is pretty interesting,” Nathalia returns
his flirt, and Eddie clears his throat uncomfortably.
“Hey, Buck. Make some room,” Hen demands, not unkindly, but as if she can sense the
awkwardness.

Of course Buck, being who he is, offers to help Nathalia with her gauze-wrapped hand like he
can’t help but rescue a damsel in distress. Eddie tries to make conversation with Marie, but the
more she speaks, the more his heart races and his stomach flips.

“We’re all going to die alone,” she says.

Eddie glances over to where Nathalia is smiling up at Buck, offering him her phone, and thinks that
maybe she’s right.

Especially when Buck takes her out. He says it’s not a date, says that he’s just interested in hearing
how she prepares people for death and she wants to know more about his close call with it, but
Eddie can’t help but feel left out of the conversation. He’s died before, at least he’s been closer
than most other people, but Buck has started to lean on this stranger before him.

It’s not that Eddie doesn’t like Nathalia, it’s just that she’s expressed so much interest in post-
lightning strike Buck that she doesn’t seem to understand he existed before it. Buck, the kind-
hearted soul he is, doesn’t seem to realize she’s so pathetically interested. It’s not pathetic, really,
but Eddie might be just a little jealous that she’s gathered so much of Buck’s attention now that
he’s seemingly obsessed with his own death.

“So it was the cancer?” Eddie asks from where he stands beside Marie’s grave, Buck’s shoulder
pressed against his.

“Yeah,” Buck sighs. “Her organs started failing after the accident, but she was already in a pretty
bad way. Natalia said the doctors actually complimented our work.” Buck tries to lighten the
mood, but it falls flat.

After a few moments of silence, Eddie blurts, “We’re all going to die alone.” He feels Buck’s
surprised gaze on him, so he takes a deep breath. “That’s what she said to me and Hen,” he
clarifies.

“Do you think that’s true?” Buck asks. He’s stretching his pinky out to brush against the back of
Eddie’s hand, but Eddie can’t bring himself to intertwine their fingers. He wishes he knew why.

“I don’t know,” Eddie says honestly. “We’ve seen it both ways, you know? Someone dies in a
freak accident at work with no loved ones around to say goodbye, others die in a fiery crash with
their entire families in the car.” Buck looks increasingly concerned with each word that leaves
Eddie’s mouth. “I think what Nathalia does is special, but it’s rarely possible.”

“Sometimes, I wish–” Buck cuts himself off and licks his lips like he’s trying to find the right
words. Eddie gives him the time to figure it out. “I didn’t have a chance to accept my– death. I was
struck by lightning, I died, I was revived, I woke up, and everything is back to normal.”

“It’s not normal, Buck,” Eddie corrects. “You haven’t been the same since it happened, and none
of us have been the same either. No one expects you to just be Buck right now.”

“What if I don’t know who Buck is anymore?” he asks. Before Eddie has time to answer, Buck
continues, “When I woke up in the hospital, I felt like… I feel like I’ve gotten away with
something.”

“You felt like you cheated death,” Eddie says matter-of-factly. Buck seems surprised for a moment
that Eddie practically read his mind, but accepts the words.
“My life could’ve ended right there and it didn’t. It didn’t end and somehow, I’m exactly who I
was before this one-in-a-million event occurred.”

“A one-in-a-million event for a one-in-a-million guy,” Eddie teases. He elbows Buck playfully but
before he can back away again, Buck grabs at his forearm, turning both of them so they can face
each other.

“It has to mean something, though, right? People don’t get lucky the way that we’ve gotten lucky,”
Buck notes.

Eddie doesn’t know why that’s what sends him on another spiral, but everything in him starts to
panic again. Because Buck’s right, isn’t he? They’ve gotten lucky more than anyone else deserves
to get lucky.

Ladder truck crashes. Live burials. Tsunamis. Blood clots. Gunshots. Lightning strikes.

At some point, their luck has to run out.

While Buck sees this luck as a new lease on life, as a chance to start living, Eddie sees a death
sentence. He sees his best friend and partner being taken from him again, but this time forever. He
sees the person he’s falling in love with dying at the hands of something Eddie can’t control, just
like Shannon did. Just like everyone eventually does.

No amount of planning will ever prepare Eddie for a loss like Buck’s will be.

“Eddie?” Buck says softly. Eddie thinks he’s spaced out for long enough that Buck’s noticed, but
his eyes are on the grass beside them like they’re avoiding Eddie at all costs. “Before… well,
everything,” he huffs out humorless laughter, “Bobby said something that I can’t stop thinking
about, especially now.” Eddie nods because he remembers. “He said that life’s too short to take
relationships for granted. He wasn’t talking about us, I think, but… it applies, doesn’t it?”

“Buck…” He sighs, unshed emotion catching in his throat before it can well in his eyes.

“He’s right, isn’t he? If I’ve learned anything from being struck by lightning, from getting advice
from my cardiologist, from listening to Nathalia, it’s that experiences like this change everything
whether we want them to or not. We learn what’s important to us, and Eddie…” Buck slides his
hands down Eddie’s arms to link their hands together. “I don’t want to take us for granted
anymore.”

“Buck…” Eddie repeats. He pulls his hands away with every bit of effort he has in him, scrubbing
them over his face roughly.

“Eddie, what–?”

“I’m not ready for this,” Eddie admits. He’s not exactly sure what he’s saying anymore, the
heartbeat thumping in his ears blocking out the connection between his brain and his mouth. “I
almost lost you,” he mutters.

“But you didn’t,” Buck says as if Eddie doesn’t know. As if Eddie doesn’t want to consider that. “I
don’t understand, I thought that we were… okay.”

“You are okay, Buck. You are fine. You’re alive and you’re taking life by the horns like it’s some
gift that can never be taken away and I–” Eddie shakes his head, ignoring the way Buck tries to
reach out, to grasp onto Eddie since he’s seemingly unable to understand his words.
 “What aren’t you ready for?” Buck asks softly, reaching up to brush his thumb over Eddie’s
eyebrow. He flinches when Eddie jerks away.

“Somehow we became this ready-made family, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

Buck physically recoils. What Eddie wants to say, what he refuses to say out loud, is ‘I don’t know
if I can handle that’. And the truth is, it’s selfish. He knows that Chris is ready to have Buck in his
life more permanently, he knows the team would be hard-pressed to argue against the connection
they have, he knows Maddie supports the hell out of them, and now he knows that Buck has finally
come to the same conclusion.

But Eddie can’t do it. Not again.

“What can’t you do? What are you afraid of?” Panic reveals itself under Buck’s worried tone, and
Eddie doesn’t want to be the reason for the sound.

“I have to go,” Eddie decides. He can’t have this conversation. He can’t begin to explain to Buck
what’s going on in his mind, in his heart that’s causing everything in him to sabotage the good
Buck brings him. He knows if he tries to explain, Buck will convince him otherwise, and he won’t
let that happen. “I have to go, Buck,” he repeats.

When Buck lets his hands go, Eddie retreats. He retreats like he’s good at, and lets himself mourn
the loss of what he could have had with Buck.

He figures it’s easier to mourn something that never was than to eventually grieve the loss of
someone he lets himself love.

Chapter End Notes

Feel free to follow me on Tumblr and Twitter for chaotic content.

 Chapter 5
Chapter Notes

I know, I know. Eddie's brain cells are on loan right now, but I promise, he gets them
back soon.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Between working with Buck each shift and Christopher’s constant badgering to hang out with ‘his
Buck’, Eddie barely has time to process the way they left things at Marie’s grave. He feels Buck’s
stare, sees the deflation in his body when Eddie chooses any other seat but the one next to his, and
hears the heavy sighs of discontent as the rest of the team tries to cheer him up. It’s hard for Eddie
to pretend like anything could go back to normal, even though that’s all he wanted in the first
place.

It isn’t until Maddie shows up at the 118 between calls that he realizes what trouble he might be in.

“Eddie, just the man I was looking for. I have a quick question for you. Bobby,” she directs at his
captain, “would you mind if I stole him away for a few?” Eddie sends him a panicked look but he’s
none the wiser, waving in approval before going back to the stew on the stove. “C’mon, Diaz,” she
says gruffly, pulling him out into the side alleyway.

“Maddie, what–?”

“What did you say to him?” Maddie asks. Eddie’s eyes widen and he has to resist the urge to run
away from her. “He’s been ignoring my phone calls, refusing to come visit the house, and now,
he’s called out of work, in case you didn’t notice.”

The truth is, Eddie did. He’s noticed all of it, but he can’t admit that.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he tries, but she smacks him on the arm.

“He told me, you know, that he was going to tell you how he actually felt and ask you if you felt
the same. I said, ‘Absolutely, Buck, I just know he feels the same’ but somehow he comes back
with a broken heart?” She smacks him again. “What happened between the hospital and now,
Eddie?” she asks, much more softly, as if she finally sees the regret in Eddie’s eyes–and he’s full of
it.

“Buck woke up,” he says simply like that should be an answer. It’s not, and Maddie waits silently
for more.

It’s just enough for Eddie to lose the small amount of control he’d been holding onto. “I couldn’t
handle seeing him in a hospital bed so much that I avoided being at his bedside through a coma.
How am I supposed to handle it next time, huh? Knowing that he’s the most important person to
me? To Chris? Am I just supposed to wait until the next time he throws himself into danger? Or
that danger finds him?” Eddie turns and kicks at the brick wall behind him. “I can’t handle how he
makes me feel, Maddie. You of all people should know that.”

He thinks it might be unfair to bring up the feelings behind the conversation from the hospital so
much in one go, but he can’t seem to get what he’s feeling through anyone’s head the easy way.
She knows what it’s like to worry so entirely about those she loves so she has to understand.

“You really think pushing him away is going to make you love him less?” Maddie says softly after
a moment. Eddie freezes, holding in the breath he was taking. “No matter how hard we try to
protect ourselves from hurt, it’s still going to happen. You’re still going to love him, and he’s still
going to… be Buck.”

“You don’t know that,” Eddie argues, though the words fall flat as if even they know he is lying.

“If you need time, take time,” she urges, “but know that no matter how much you take, there will
still be a chance that you’ll lose Buck and there is an equal chance he’ll lose you. The odds are
never in our favor, Eddie, but you’ve both been lucky before.”

“Isn’t that the problem?” Eddie asks. He leans back against the brick behind him, lamenting in the
roughness that seems to ground him. “Our luck has to run out sometime, doesn’t it?”

“You’ve survived murder attempts and actual natural disasters, and you think that’s luck?” She
laughs, holding Eddie’s shoulders in her hands. “You and Buck may be lucky in death, but you’re
unlucky everywhere else. Maybe, just maybe, that means you’re due a world of karma.”

Eddie stays silent, taking in her words. His mind tries to twist them, but he pushes back. It’s a
battle in his head that no one else can see, but it’s one he can’t ignore right now. So he kisses
Maddie on the head, bids her goodbye, and finishes the rest of his shift without Buck and without
argument. When he gets home, he crawls into bed and looks forward to the next three days he has
off. He hopes that he can turn his mind off for even one of them to figure out where to go next.

+++++++++++

Eddie should have known that just because he has successfully avoided Tia Pepa’s Vanessa-based
questioning for weeks, doesn’t mean he’s in the clear. He’s recalling what he and Vanessa agreed
on telling their Tia’s when he stutters through their fake food orders, immediately causing Tia Pepa
to glare in his direction.

“She was… very nice,” he finishes lamely. Tia Pepa purses her lips and stirs her tea indignantly.

“You’re never going to see her again, huh?”

Eddie groans. “I’m sorry, Tia. I’m just– I’m not ready.”

“You’re never ready,” she says, throwing her hands up in the air. “Do you think I was ready when
I met Paco? If I hadn't gone out with the girls from work, it would have never happened. And only
because they forced me, after six years of trying to get over my first husband.”

Eddie chokes on the sip of tea he had taken, staring wide-eyed at his aunt as she dropped this
information he had never heard before.

“Wait... you were married before Tio Paco?”

Tia Pepa nods, a wistful look crossing her face. She wanders over to the antique secretary desk,
opening it up for the first time Eddie’s ever seen, and reaches for a small book.

“Manuel Herrera,” she sighs as she sits next to Eddie.

She opens the book slowly and Eddie sees a picture of a man who looks to be at least 10 years
younger than him. He’s got dark, dark hair and thick facial hair, both eyebrows and mustache
standing out against his tanned skin. He looks like a movie star in each photo Tia Pepa has saved.
He’s always wearing expensive clothes, his hair is always styled to perfection, and Tia Pepa hangs
off of his arm like she’d never let go if she had the choice.

“Why have I never heard the name?”

“You’ve heard stories,” she corrects. “Manny was in most of mine, and Tio Paco knew who he was
to me.” There’s an unspoken question in the air, but Eddie isn’t sure how to break the silence. “He
passed away two days shy of my 28th birthday.”

“Oh, Tia,” Eddie coos. He places his hand on hers, squeezing softly in comfort. She waves him
away with her other hand.

“Abuela didn’t like him, though I don’t think she’d ever admit it.” She laughs as though the fact
doesn’t bother her anymore. “No one ever understood why I was with someone so energetic and
unconcerned about his future, but I never understood why everything had to be planned.”

“How long were you married?” Eddie asks.

“We met when we were children, really. Dated off and on through his military service until he
settled back in Texas with me. We were married right after I turned 22.” Eddie bites his lip.

“Six years?”

“Almost to the day,” she says.

She strokes a soft thumb over one particularly happy photo of Manny’s face, her smile almost
matching his wide one. Eddie isn’t sure he’s ever seen Tia Pepa as happy as she looks in the unseen
photos, and he knows he’s never seen such fondness at a memory from her past.

He knows the look, and wonders if it’s the same one Chris sees on his face when they go through
the scrapbooks Shannon made when she moved back to L.A. He’s never been sad about
remembering, not when Chris recalls all of their happiest moments, but his heart still stings
sometimes when he realizes he won’t be able to make those memories again–that Chris won’t be
able to make those memories again.

“What’s gotten into you, chispita?” Tia rests her free hand on Eddie’s bicep, her face angled so he
can see the concern in her eyes.

Before he can think himself out of it, he asks, “How did you do it?”

“How did I move on?” she asks.

At first, Eddie nods, but that’s not really the question he’s asking, is it?

“How did you let yourself love Tio Paco when…” He isn’t sure what to say, or how to explain, but
Tia Pepa seems to know exactly what he’s asking.

“How wasn’t I afraid of losing him, too?” Eddie nods. “Simply put, I was. Like I said, it took me
six years to finally open myself back up, but much longer to break myself free of the fear I felt
knowing that it could lead to even more suffering and loss.”

“But you did it anyway?”

“I did it anyway.”

“How?” He hates how desperate he sounds–feels.

“You’ve met your tio!” she says with a bright laugh. “He wasn’t about to let me go. He saw me for
what I was, and I was afraid. Do you remember what he used to tell you when you were scared?”

Eddie smiles beside himself and quotes, “Let yourself feel your fear, but don’t let it stop you.” Tia
Pepa nods.

“That’s what he told me right before our first kiss.” She blissfully sighs, her smile not dissimilar to
the one she held when reminiscing about Manny. Something inside Eddie warms at that realization.
“I allowed myself to be afraid, but I learned to not let it control me.”

“So it’s something I have to learn? What if I don’t have the time to?” Tia Pepa raises her eyebrows
and Eddie realizes that once again, he’s given something away. “Not that time is a factor here,
since you know, things didn’t work out with Vanessa.”

“You never did tell me why it won’t work out with her,” Tia Pepa says with a click of her tongue.
“And when you came over when she was here, you had a pep in your step that I should’ve realized
wasn’t just because you were seeing me. Edmundo Diaz, are you seeing someone?”

“Tia– I mean– Not– Not right now?” He opts for. She smacks him on the arm briefly, her eyes
slimming in one of the meanest glares Eddie’s ever seen. “It doesn’t matter, okay!” he shouts,
covering his head with his arms. “I messed it up and now he–”

“He?” Tia Pepa repeats. She stops all of her movement, frozen in the air like a statue of confusion
and surprise. “Buck?”

“How did–?” She levels him with a look that clearly asks him if he’s insane. “We were friends
almost every time we saw you,” he argues.

“Tio Paco and I were friends for years, you know that?” Eddie shakes his head. He makes a mental
reminder to ask her more about her life because there sure are a lot of things he doesn’t know. “I
could’ve had more time with him if I’d gotten over the fear that was holding me back.”

“You said you had to learn– to… feel your fear.” Tia Pepa nods. “All I feel is fear,” he admits.
“Buck was struck by lightning and before that, he had a massive blood clot from saving my son
from a tsunami, and before that, he was pinned under a ladder truck.”

“There’s no right way to live, chispita, but obviously Buck’s been doing it wrong,” she says
sternly, taking his face in her hands. “Do you love him?” she asks. Eddie stares into his tia’s eyes,
waiting for any signs of judgment, and when he doesn’t see any, he nods. “Then why bother
wasting time trying to protect yourself from fear and hurt when you can’t control what’s going to
happen.”

Eddie chuckles softly. “Maddie said something very similar.”

“She’s a smart girl,” Tia Pepa nods determinedly. “Listen to her. When you love someone, no
matter how long or how hard, you can’t escape the pain when you lose them. But, Edmundo,” she
squeezes his cheeks so that he has no choice but to look at her, “you can’t predict the future. I
wouldn’t take back the years I spent with Manny or Paco, even knowing how they turned out.”

“You mean that?” Eddie asks. It’s not that he doesn’t believe her, but he needs reassurance. He
needs to know that maybe he can overcome his fears, maybe he can allow himself to feel what he
does for Buck, and maybe, even if he suffers that loss, he’ll have felt it for as long as he can.

“Palabra de honor,” she promises. She crosses Eddie, hands to shoulders, head, and chest, letting
her hand rest over his heart briefly. “You have an incredible heart. Don’t let fear waste it away.”

He realizes when Chris comes home from school with yet another gift for Buck that it’s been far
too long since he gave them their time together. Sure, he’s working through whatever he needs to,
but he can’t let that impact Chris. That always has to be his main priority.

So he texts Buck and asks if he can come over to watch Chris so that he can bring Abuela to her
once a week-night bible study. He’s actually going to hang out in a bar to watch the game since he
doesn’t want to let Abuela or Tia Pepa in on what’s been going on and he can’t hang out with
anyone from the 118 or he risks the night getting back to Buck.

Of course, Buck immediately agrees and a few hours later, he’s wandering through the door. Both
of them have bright smiles on their faces when Chris is around, but when he walks away to grab
the pile of Buck-related school things, an awkward tension fills the air that’s so heavy that Eddie
wants to run away.

So he does just that. He wishes Buck good luck, shouts goodbye to his son, grabs his keys, and
practically sprints out the door. It’s not the smoothest move he could have made, but it keeps him
from blurting out promises he can’t keep or words he can’t take back, so he does it with
confidence.

When he wanders back a few boring hours later, he doesn’t hear anything but the quiet music
Christopher insists on playing while he sleeps. He takes off his shoes, puts down his coat, and
walks quietly down the hallway toward his son’s room. He hears soft voices, almost whispers, and
decides to wait a few moments before he knocks, wanting to give Buck time to say goodnight since
it’s something he hasn’t been able to do because of Eddie.

He leans against the doorframe and listens.

“...and I’ve never had a crush before,” Christopher says, and Eddie can practically hear the shyness
in his voice. Buck is quick to stomp it down, though.

“That’s okay! I didn’t have my first crush until I was a little older than you. I thought girls were
gross and guys were off limits.” Eddie stifles a laugh at that but secretly loves how open he’s been
with Chris about his bisexuality. “Can I ask why you haven’t talked to your dad about this? I know
he’d be super happy to listen.”

“He hasn’t had a crush in, like, forever,” he draws out, earning a gentle chuckle from Buck. Eddie
rolls his eyes but knows it’s all in good childish fun. “Before Ana, it was mom, and that’s it. I don’t
think he has crushes anymore, I think he’s just in love,” Chris seemingly decides.

“I’m sure that’s not true, bud. We all have crushes, small ones that pass easily and big, strong ones
that settle in our hearts for a long time. Is she… or he…? Do they have a name?”

“Her name is Ellie,” Chris offers, and Eddie knows by the way Buck coos that his son is blushing.

“Now, is Ellie a small crush or is she one that’s been in your heart for a while?” Buck asks. Chris
takes time to think if the silence tells Eddie anything, and he’s proud that he has a son who speaks
from a place of patience.

“I don’t know,” Chris says, sounding frustrated enough that Eddie considers pushing open the door
to intervene but Buck beats him to the punch.

“That’s okay, too, you know. I have– I had a small crush a few years ago that I thought would stay
a small speck in my mind, but all it did was grow.”

“Is it in your heart now?” Christopher asks. Eddie swallows, closing his eyes to wait for Buck’s
answer, hoping it tells him everything he wants–needs–to know.

“He is my heart,” Buck decides.

Without thinking, Eddie practically throws his head against the wall hard enough to send a knock
through the wood. In a panic, he takes a few steps away from the door, ready to flee, then realizes
that plan makes about as much sense as the fake plans he just had. So instead, he knocks gently on
the door and peeks inside, smiling like he’s completely unaware of the admission he’s just heard.

“Did you just finish a story?” Eddie asks, feigning innocence maybe just a little too much.

“Buck was telling me about his crush. Do you know who it is?” Chris asks though he sounds like
he already knows the answer. Buck playfully smacks his shoulder and rolls his eyes.

“I told you that in confidence!” Buck complains. Chris’ grin only widens and he looks back over to
his dad.

“I was telling Buck about my crush and he said he had a crush, too. His is a big, strong crush,” he
continues earnestly. At each word, the redness on Buck’s cheek deepens and Eddie’s heart grows
about two times its size. “I told Buck that you don’t have crushes because you’re already in love.
Isn’t that true?” Chris meddles.

Abruptly, Eddie panics.

“I– Well, uh…” Eddie’s eyes widen in panic and he glances to Buck for help, but there’s pain in
his eyes that Eddie should have been expecting.

“Chris, I think it’s time I get going…”

“I don’t think that love is really the right word right now,” he says, hoping the words are enough to
stop Buck’s escape. As he sits next to his son, across from the man he’s pretty sure he’s in love
with, he musters up all the bravery he has in his body. “There’s someone I like, someone who has
taken over the bit of my heart that isn’t reserved for you.”

He presses a gentle finger to Chris’ nose, earning childish laughter that warms Eddie throughout.

“But, uh, things are much more complicated when you’re my age, Kiddo.” It takes everything in
his not to glance at Buck so he clears his throat and forces a smile at his son. “Buck’s right. I think
it’s time that we leave you to get some rest and have some dreams about your little crush.”

“Daaaaad,” Christopher whines, nudging his dad in embarrassment as any kid would. Eddie sneaks
a kiss on Christopher’s head before backing away and allowing Buck the space to do the same.
They move almost in synchronicity and the weight of that is not lost on Eddie.

“Love you, Bud,” Eddie says softly.

There’s so much he wants to say to Buck, wants to explain so that maybe the distance between
them won’t be so heartbreaking, but by the time he shuts off Christopher's light and makes his way
to the living room, Buck is gone.
It’s then that he realizes how empty his home feels without Buck, and he pushes down the hope
that this might not be forever.

Eddie’s distracted when his next shift rolls around. He’d spent the rest of his weekend just thinking
about what Maddie and Tia Pepa had to say, but it only caused his mind to spiral in a different way.
He loved Buck, he knew that much, but could that be enough? Love wasn’t enough with Shannon–
not for her to stay, not to make her love him again, not to save her. So why would this be any
different?

He’s spacing out in the ladder truck when Bobby’s captain’s voice booms through his ears.

“Diaz! Do you need to sit this one out?” Eddie shakes his head, both to get out of it and to answer
Bobby. “Alright. We’ve got a second-alarm fire ahead of us. The coffee shop on street level had a
machine malfunction and lit up the place. There are four apartments above it, one where the
resident called 9-1-1. We’re the first on scene which makes me the incident commander.”

The ladder truck pulls to an abrupt stop in front of a building Eddie immediately recognizes as one
of his favorite cafes. He’s brought Carla there on occasion, but most mornings Buck stayed over
the night before a shift, they would go there together. They’d grab a coffee, Buck splurging on a
pastry because they were just too good to not cheat his diet on, and they’d sit for a few minutes to
clear their heads before their shift.

He catches Buck’s eye as everyone starts to exit the truck, and Eddie feels like he can read Buck’s
thoughts. We used to go here together, I’m glad we weren’t there. Eddie wishes he could tell Buck
he refuses to go there without him, but for now, they both just wait for instruction from their
Captain.

“Hen, Chim, you’re on triage duty. Bishop, Sampson, I want you on the ladder.” Bobby glances at
Buck almost like an apology but Buck nods in understanding. None of them are quite ready for
him to be up there yet. “Buckley, Diaz, I want you both suited up and ready to clear inside.”

They both nod, moving as fast as they can to put on the rest of their gear. They don’t exchange any
words, but they’re glancing at each other every few seconds like they’re waiting for the other to
say something, to break down the wall between them. But only the wailing of sirens and crackling
of fire can be heard.

When they’re both suited and ready to enter, Eddie feels the fear he’s been trying to quell rise in his
chest and stick in his throat like tar. He wants to ask Buck to stay behind, to let him clear the
building in case some sort of tragedy strikes, but he knows that Buck wouldn’t listen and that he’d
never ask the same.

So he pushes through his fear and follows Buck into the smoky building.

“LAFD, call out!” they yell, a back-and-forth shout of urgency.

They know of one civilian trapped on the third floor and can only hope that the other apartments
aren’t occupied during the workday. Eddie gestures toward the closest door for Buck to force open
while he heads to the other end of the hallway where the fire is growing rapidly, licking around the
doorframe. He won’t let Buck risk himself this time.

But he’s far too focused on Buck, far too unfocused on his job as he has been all day, that he opens
the door with caution thrown to the wind. The second it flings open, Eddie is catapulted backward
by a small explosion. He feels the heat through his gear, loses his breath when his back hits the
wall behind him, and shouts as he feels his shoulder dislocate from its socket.

Buck’s on him before he can even stand, hands assessing every inch of him for injury. The fire’s
still raging and there's someone trapped on the third floor so Eddie pushes him off with a command
to go on without him, that he’s fine even though the stinging in his shoulder resonates down his
arm. There's hesitation in Buck's eyes and the way that he moves, but he does what he's told and
pushes his way to the stairwell to continue on their trek. Eddie hears Buck radio for assistance and
it reassures him to know that others have his back, who might have Buck’s. Even though it's him
who's injured, shoulder hanging limply at his side, he can't help but worry about Buck.

“Chim, Buck went ahead without me to grab the civilian on the third floor, you need to go check
on him!”

“I'm here for you, Buddy. Buck's got the civilian which you would have heard if your radio wasn't
smashed to pieces. We're getting you out of here, you got me? Can you walk on your own?”

“Yeah, my legs are fine. My shoulder on the other hand…” Eddie laughs because he can't really
think of anything else to do. He realizes it might be insane to be so worried about Buck when he's
the one who's hurt. But he also figures it's about time.

“You know, between you and Buck, we're probably paying the hospital’s electric bill.” He gestures
towards Eddie's shoulder. "Dislocated?” Eddie nods.

“I hit the wall pretty hard. Is there anyone in the apartment the explosion came from?” he asks
worriedly.

Chimney shakes his head. “Dispatch confirmed there was only one person on the third floor. All
injuries are relatively superficial, and actually, yours might be the worst.”

“Lucky me,” Eddie mutters.

When Chimney pushes through the front door, Hen is on him in a second. She's already taking off
his jacket by the time he can sit on one of the unused gurneys. Eddie, to his credit, feels the pain a
little more now that he's out of danger, but it all seems to lessen when Buck appears through the
smoke hazing the front door. He has who Eddie assumes to be the third-floor resident attached to
his arm, but there's a panicked look on his face and for a moment, Eddie wonders if he's hurt.

But when Buck’s eyes land on Eddie, he surges forward. The closer he gets, the more fear Eddie
can see in his eyes. It’s an emotion that he doesn't let show often, more inclined to keep it to
himself or deflect it with dry humor. He’s lived through explosions, tsunamis, gunshots, and
lightning strikes, and the thing that finally brings him fear is the fact that Eddie is now a patient.
Eddie hates how much that validates him.

“You said you were fine!” Buck says immediately. He doesn’t quite shout it, but everyone around
them seems to sense the tension of the words.

“He’s got a dislocated shoulder, but his radial pulse is steady. They’ll fix it at the hospital once
Chim and I can–”

“Just fix it, Hen. I’ve seen you do it a thousand times before,” Eddie says like a challenge.

Hen raises her eyebrows and gestures for Chim to hold his other shoulder steady which he does
without complaint. Buck has his arms crossed over his chest, but Eddie knows that he needs
something to focus on through the pain that’s about to overtake him, so he stares into Buck’s
anger-filled eyes. Hen barely says the number one before burning pain erupts through him.
He shouts, gaining the attention of almost everyone around him, but none more so than Buck.

“You’re still going to the hospital,” Buck decides.

“What, do you not trust my skills?” Hen teases, but she’s quick to deflate when Buck glares at her.
“Alright, Bossy. Eddie, do you consent–”

“He’s going,” Buck says sternly.

Eddie knows he doesn’t deserve to argue so he nods. Buck’s already pushing the foot end of the
gurney toward the ambulance, barely waiting for Eddie to lay fully back or for Hen’s assistance.
Buck hops on, avoiding eye contact, but loudly huffing and puffing out words to himself. Chimney
raises his eyebrows at Eddie who just shrugs in response. He’s not sure what’s happening, but it’s
not going unnoticed.

“Chim, uh, can you ride up front with Hen?” Eddie asks. He shrugs, uncaring, and slams the doors
shut before Eddie hears him and Hen chatting in the front seat. When the ambulance starts moving,
Eddie glances back up at Buck. “You wanna tell me why you’re pissed?”

“You made me leave. You used my empathy against me and made me leave you, injured and
alone,” Buck says, like that’s enough. It isn’t.

“There was a civilian upstairs that needed you and I was fine,” Eddie repeats. Buck gestures around
the ambulance, not accepting Eddie’s argument. “It could’ve been much worse, Buck. You know a
dislocated shoulder is almost nothing in this business.”

“That’s rich, coming from you,” Buck scoffs.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” he spits, “nothing at all.”

“Buck, what–?”

“You know what,” he begins, crossing his arms over his chest and leaving behind whatever he was
pretending to ignore. “Not nothing. You’ve been weird with me ever since I got struck by lightning
and now I’m not allowed to do the same thing when you get hurt?”

“You can’t compare the two,” Eddie argues, but Buck doesn’t care.

“I can and I am. You’re allowed to be worried about me, but I can’t be worried about you? Eddie,
we work the same job, the same shifts most of the time. We take almost the same route home, and
Hell, most of the time–at least before I died–we went to the same place after working with each
other all day. So tell me,” he leans forward in his bench seat and catches Eddie’s eyes, “why is it
that you’re allowed to be afraid but I can’t?”

And Eddie? He doesn’t have a good answer to that.

He spends too much time waffling between answers–because you’re more reckless than me,
because you’ve been in more dangerous situations, because you don’t love me as much as I love
you. But all of them aren’t completely true. Eddie is reckless when he needs to be and he’s been in
just as many dangerous situations if he includes his time in Afghanistan. Most importantly, he
doesn’t know how much Buck loves him because they’ve never talked about it.

“Because– Because your fear is temporary. You can ignore it, move on from it, get over it even,
 but me?” Eddie lets out a humorless laugh. “I live in it. I can’t just accept the inevitability that
you’re going to get hurt again, okay? Not like you can. That’s not–” Eddie shakes his head, scared
that he’s opened himself up just enough for Buck to squeeze into the small space he’s made.

But before Buck can respond, the ambulance pulls to a stop in front of the hospital. Chimney and
Hen open the back doors and a nurse is waiting for him with a wheelchair that he doesn’t want to
sit in. He doesn’t move at first, waiting for Buck to say something more, to give something away
in return, but instead, he shakes his head.

“Mind if I catch a ride back to the station with you guys?” He directs toward Chimney and Hen.
Twin looks of surprise cross their faces, but they both nod before sending sympathetic and
confused glances at Eddie.

“I can pick you up after our shift, or let someone know you’re here?” Hen offers softly. She rests
her hand on Eddie’s good shoulder and waits until Buck is back in the ambulance to add, “Give
him some time. You know he feels more than the rest of us and watching your partner get hurt is
something that takes a while to get over.”

There’s some irony in her words that isn’t lost on Eddie, but he nods and accepts her gentle squeeze
before she joins Chim and Buck in the idling ambulance.

With his team gone and the antiseptic smell taking over his senses, Eddie shoots a quick text to Tia
Pepa and lets the doctors do their jobs. He’s got a lot to think about anyway.

Chapter End Notes

Feel free to follow me on Tumblr and Twitter for chaotic content.

 Chapter 6
Chapter Notes

And we're in the home stretch.

I want to give a huge thank you again to Taylor for the inspiration behind this fic. I've
wanted to create something for one of your incredible videos for so long, and I truly
hope I wrote something that you appreciate and enjoy!

Jess, I truly wouldn't have posted this without you. You came in so clutch and I am so
grateful for you ❤️

And to everyone who has read, kudosed, and commented, I hope you enjoy this happy
ending for our favorite boys.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

It’s never easy to explain his injuries to Christopher. There’s a sense of dread in Eddie that he
hopes won’t bleed into his son because he’s okay. A dislocated shoulder is nothing compared to
what Chris has had to deal with before. What he’s surprised about, though, is Chris’ insistence on
visiting his mother’s grave almost immediately after seeing the sling on his dad. Eddie thinks he
should be worried, but he wonders if this is just what Chris needs to remind himself that his dad is
okay, that he’s still here.

“Remember that big math test?” Chris asks, kicking at the grass in front of his mother’s grave. “I
aced it.”

“Knew you would,” Eddie responds.

“Science is still my favorite subject. We made s’mores with a solar oven. I think you would’ve
liked them,” he directs at his mom. Eddie squeezes his shoulder softly. “Dad, do you think she can
hear us when we talk to her?”

“I think–” Eddie takes a deep breath and considers his answer. “I think that if you want her to
listen, she’d hang onto every word. That’s why we come here,” he explains.

Christopher nods and takes a deep breath before speaking again. “I miss you, Mom. I miss making
s’mores with you and decorating cookies even when it’s not Christmas.” Eddie can’t help but smile
at that. “Sometimes I’m scared, though. Sometimes I remember how quick you went away and I
wonder if that’s going to happen with anyone else.”

“Buddy, no,” Eddie’s quick to say. “That’s not going to happen,” he promises. He’s surprised when
Chris turns to him with a glare that’s almost identical to his mother’s and Tia Pepa’s. Chris puts a
finger over his lips.

“Shh, I’m talking to Mom.” Eddie zips his mouth shut and crosses his arms over his chest to hold
himself back from making more promises he knows he can’t keep. “Buck got struck by lightning,”
he says simply and Eddie freezes. “He was hurt for a while but he’s okay now. And dad has a–
what’s that called?” Chris interrupts himself to ask.
“A sling,” Eddie tells him.

“That,” Chris says with a wave of his hand, “because his shoulder popped out of place during
work. Tia Pepa warned me that Dad got hurt, and at first, I was really scared. I thought I was gonna
have to visit him at the hospital like when he was shot or when Buck was ECMO.” Eddie’s panic
is only briefly subsided by Chris remembering what Maddie had taught him in the hospital room
and he decided not to correct the grammar of it.

“But I’m okay,” Eddie chimes in, earning another glare from his son, but also a nod in agreement.

“In therapy, I learned that it’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to be scared that Dad will get hurt, or
Buck will get hurt. That it’s normal to after losing you,” he reaches out toward Shannon’s grave
like he’s trying to hold her hand and Eddie feels emotion bubble up into his throat. “And today,
when I was scared about Dad, Tia Pepa told me something.”

Eddie didn’t need him to finish to know what she said. “Let yourself feel your fear, but don’t let it
stop you.”

“And I didn’t!” he adds excitedly. “I felt my fear and then I kept reading with Tia Pepa until it was
time to pick you up and then I realized that I didn’t have anything to be afraid of.”

“You’re not afraid?” Eddie asks, needing reassurance both for himself and for Shannon wherever
she is.

“Sometimes I am, but I know that you’ll always try to come home to me.” Eddie nods
enthusiastically, of course he would always fight to go back home to his son.

“And I can’t be afraid all the time, because then I wouldn’t have time to do anything else. Like
make s’mores in solar ovens and spend time with you and Buck.”

He’s so matter-of-fact with his words and Eddie can’t remember a time that he was so sure of
himself. He wonders what it’s like to have a mind like that, so devoid of fear even after suffering
such substantial loss as Chris has. He should be the most terrified kid, at least more scared than
Eddie is, but he’s proven that’s just not true.

Fear has been running Eddie’s life for so long, including the fear he holds for other people like his
son, and there has to be some way for him to accept the fact that it’s just part of life. It’s not
something that needs to be constant because it’s inevitable. He doesn’t need to live by his fear
because there’s so much more to hold onto.

“Can we make some s’mores when we get back home?” Chris asks, and Eddie nods. “Can we
make one for Mom, too?”

“Always,” Eddie says.

It’s the way his son’s eyes light up that makes him realize that fear doesn’t have to be the feeling
that guides him. Love can be. Love for his son, love for Shannon, love for his best friend. It’s all
he needs to stop letting fear control him.

He just hopes his realization isn’t coming too late.

Eddie has never been the type of guy to freeze in situations. In most cases, it’s quite the opposite,
actually. Even though staying put might make the most sense, he dives into action, even if it gets
him hurt. But that’s beside the point because right now, he’s sitting in his truck, white-knuckling
the steering wheel, and trying to convince himself to just go inside and win Buck back.

He thinks that it should be easy. He’s spent almost as much time at Buck’s apartment as he has in
his own home, so really, there shouldn’t be anything intimidating about stepping inside and
admitting that he was wrong, that he made a mistake, and that he wants Buck too fiercely to allow
fear to stop him.

All in all, a low-stakes situation, really. Eddie sighs and slams his hands on the steering wheel, his
forehead leaning down to rest against the hard leather in defeat. It’s never been this hard for him.
With Shannon and Ana, it was his job to make the first move and he’d always learned that the man
stepped up to the plate first. Even when he and Buck first got together, it wasn’t like he was shy
with his affections. He was very obviously interested, but he just waited for Buck to act on that
interest first. There was a lot more at stake with Buck.

There’s still more at stake with him.

Somehow, Eddie has more to apologize for this time around, more than he ever has. Or maybe,
there’s just much more forgiveness to be asked for, more than he’s ever needed before. Either way,
sitting in his car while parked on Buck’s street isn’t going to bring him any closer to said
forgiveness. He just has to step up. He has to open his eyes, take his hands off of the steering
wheel, open the door, and walk. Four easy steps.

So he starts with step one, but out of the corner of his eye, he sees a figure peeking inside through
the car’s window. He jumps, slamming his hand down on the horn and nearly braining himself on
the ceiling of his truck before recognition kicks in. Full of embarrassment now, he rolls down his
window and presses his lips together.

“When did you get so jumpy?” Buck asks rhetorically. There’s a teasing lilt to his voice and a
ghost of a smirk on his face like he wants to poke more fun than he is and Eddie hates that he
doesn’t feel comfortable with that anymore. “Were you gonna come in? Or just sit outside my
apartment all night.”

“Carla only agreed to watch Chris until ten,” he jokes instinctively. He clears his throat when Buck
doesn’t immediately react. “No, uh, Chris is at a friend’s house tonight so I figured I’d come by…
and…”

“...And?” Buck repeats, but Eddie just shrugs. “Did you want to come in?”

“Can I?” Eddie asks hesitantly.

“You’re always welcome, Eddie. That hasn’t changed, that’ll never change.” It’s just the
reassurance Eddie needs to get out of the car. “Are you hungry? I just grabbed dinner with a friend
but I’m sure I can pull something together.”

“A friend?” Eddie regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth since that’s not his business
anymore. “That’s great, that you have… friends,” he says lamely. He quickly adds, “I’m not
hungry. Chris and I grabbed dinner before I dropped him off, but thank you.”

Buck opens his front door and everything inside Eddie hesitates. He feels like he doesn’t deserve to
follow Buck, to allow himself to enter the sanctity of an apartment he once considered home,
especially when it’s been so long since the last time he visited. He does it anyway because Buck is
looking at him expectantly, but there’s something in his eyes that’s off. It’s almost like he’s not
sure if Eddie actually wants to be there, and Eddie can’t let him think that for a moment longer.
He isn’t sure where to go, then. He could go to the kitchen and grab himself a beer like he usually
does but that seems too normal. He stares at the dining room table where Chris has always
completed his homework on the weekdays before they ate dinner together, but it feels wrong.
When he makes it far enough in to glance at the living room, he notices there’s a couch where there
previously was only a chair.

“Did you find the right couch?” Eddie asks, gesturing over to the burnt orange piece of furniture.

He doesn’t mean to–at least consciously–but he realizes the weight that his words hold. He thinks
back to the night they first got together. There were conversations about temporary positions and
promotions and couches that all led up to their beginning. But he remembers Buck’s words like a
vivid dream flashing behind blinking eyelids.

“Maybe I don’t want to pick the wrong couch again.”

Buck chuckles and shakes his head. “I thought I did, I guess.” There are a few beats of silence
before he clears his throat. “I, uh, got it with Maddie. She came over with Jee and when it was time
for a nap, she barely fit on the chair. Technically Jee picked it out, but it works, I think.”

“It looks great,” Eddie says honestly. “I’m glad you found one that–”

“Fits?” Buck interjects. He seems to have caught on to the hidden double meaning of Eddie’s
question if the slight irritation in his eyes tells Eddie anything. “I thought it did, but the more I get
comfortable with it, the more I think that maybe the couch isn’t the problem.”

“What do you mean?” Eddie asks because he knows Buck can’t be saying what he thinks he’s
saying.

“Nothing, just–” Buck sighs and leans back against the kitchen island, fingers white-knuckled on
the edge of the counter. “I was with Taylor,” he admits. Eddie feels his heart drop into his stomach.

“O-Oh, I– Is she doing well?”

“Her book is doing amazing. She’s donating half of the proceeds to the LAFD,” Buck notes.

“That’s kind of her.”

There’s more silence. Eddie wants to ask if his lips are no longer the last ones Buck has kissed, but
he can’t. He doesn’t know if he even wants to know the answer to that.

“She helped me understand.” Buck takes a deep breath like he’s preparing himself and Eddie
shoves his thumbs so far in his pockets that he’ll be surprised if the skin of his palms isn’t bruised
in the morning. “Did you know that she thought it was me who was shot last year until she got to
the hospital?” Eddie shakes his head. “First, she thought I was shot, then she watched me climb a
crane hundreds of feet up in the air with a sniper on the loose. She said she didn’t really know what
fear was until she started dating someone like me.”

“That makes sense,” Eddie agrees. Shannon used to tell him the same thing. Even Ana would
express worry now and again. It was much easier to be scared when your partner worked in the
LAFD than in a school. He realizes suddenly that he’s never related to them as much as he does
right now.

“Ali told me something similar, you know? After the fire truck explosion? She said that she knew
my life was dangerous given how we met, but that for her, it was only one day.”
“For you, it’s every day,” Eddie finishes for him.

Buck nods then shakes his head. “It’s not every day, but there’s risk every day.” Eddie doesn’t
understand what Buck is trying to get at but he can tell there’s frustration brewing. “I’m not saying
this right!” Buck mutters to himself in frustration.

His grip on the island starts to look painful so Eddie moves forward, and when he’s close enough,
he places his hand over one of Buck’s gently. His grip releases almost instantly.

“I’m listening either way,” Eddie says seriously. Buck nods and a ghost of a smile tugs at his lips
before he breathes in deeply again.

“For Ali, that was the end, you know? She saw something horrible happen to me and she couldn’t
handle it. For Taylor, it was the opposite. Just the thought of losing me without having me was
enough for her to tell me how she felt.” Buck pulls his gaze off of Eddie’s shoulder to meet his
eyes. “I remember how I felt after everything that’s happened to you, and I’m sure it’s about the
same as what you’ve seen happen to me, but those situations didn’t define our feelings for each
other. Tragedy wasn’t our beginning, and I don’t want it to be our end.”

“How can you–?” Eddie presses his lips together, trying to form as much coherent thought as Buck
seems to have at the moment. “It’s not that easy…” he tries–and fails.

“Is it not?” Buck argues. He tugs his hand away from Eddie’s and walks a few feet away. “Our life
isn’t some giant tragedy, right? Aren’t there times when it’s great? When it’s full of happiness a-
and family and love?”

“But it’s full of risk for us, Buck! This isn’t how two people are supposed to live!” Eddie argues.
He’s seen it so many times. Two soldiers, dying in combat, leaving grandparents to take care of
their kid just so they could fight for their country, two dead firefighters burned by the same flames
and a child now orphaned. “One person is out taking the risk, the other is safe. The other one
comes home.”

“Life isn’t that simple either, Eddie.” He scoffs and runs his fingers through his hair like he’s one
step from pulling it out of his head. “You were out responding to calls, saving people’s lives, and
Shannon died.”

“Stop–” Eddie instinctively orders. Buck closes in on him, taking Eddie’s wrists in his hands so
that he can’t escape, can’t push away the topic before it becomes too real.

“You were at risk, and Shannon was safe. But she wasn’t.” Buck shakes his head, and the look in
his eyes tells Eddie that he also didn’t want to bring it up, but he’s willing to do what it takes to
make Eddie listen. “No one is ever fully safe. Sure, some have more risks than others. Each time
we step onto that firetruck, there’s a chance we could get hurt, but it’s a risk we’re both willing to
take and have chosen it time and time again, right?”

Eddie nods. “But–” He can’t finish his thought–although he’s not sure he has one.

“There is risk in living, but I love you despite that. I love Chris despite worrying every single day
that he’s going to be on the other end of one of our calls. I loved Maddie through each decision she
made when she was with Doug even if it meant planning her funeral. I love you, because every
single day you get up and you choose to risk your life for the sake of others, for the sake of me.”

“Isn’t that what love’s about? Isn’t it about making choices, taking risks, and hoping–praying if
you believe–that everything will be okay in the end because you have the person you love?”
“And what if I lose you?” Eddie’s voice cracked, even though it barely made it above a whisper.

“You might. Just like I might lose you or we might lose Chris or Maddie might lose Chimney or
Bobby might lose Athena–” Eddie huffs out a laugh because he thinks Buck might name off every
single couple they know if he doesn’t. Buck brings his hands up to cup Eddie’s face gently,
stroking a thumb over his still slightly bruised cheekbone. “But if we deny this–what we have
between us–then we’re losing each other now. That sounds much worse to me.”

It’s so similar to the talk he had with Maddie that he wants to cry.

“You really think pushing him away is going to make you love him less?”

He knows it won’t. He knows that even if he walks away now, and moves to a different state, a
different country even, he will still love Buck as much as he does right now. He’s never loved
someone the way he loves Buck. There isn’t much for him to decide because there isn’t a choice in
the matter anymore.

Buck loves him, and he’s holding Eddie so gently, so delicately like if there’s any pressure, Eddie
might break. But Eddie won’t. Just like Buck won’t. They’re in this together, as long as Buck will
still have him.

“Of course I will,” Buck whispers, his words a promise, an oath.

Eddie slides his arms around Buck’s waist and pulls him in so there’s no space between them.
There’s been too much lately, a distance that was more than just physical, and Eddie wants to close
every inch of it. Their lips meet like every time before, but there’s a promise in the connection.

Buck’s probably making promises he can’t keep, but Eddie knows better. Eddie kisses him to tell
him he’s worth it, that he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to Eddie, and that no matter what
happens in the future, they will have each other.

Always, if he has any say in the matter.

A few days later, Eddie’s sitting on the roof of the 118 with the rest of his team. Across from him,
Hen and Bobby have soft smiles on their faces as they greet Chimney, who joins them with a skip
in his step. The gaudy, plastic ring on his finger attracts everyone’s eyes, none more than Buck’s
whose eyes seem to shine with tears at each reminder of his sister’s happiness.

“Nice of you to join us, Firefighter Han,” Bobby says. “Take a seat.”

“Meditation? This is new,” Chimney comments. He takes a seat beside Eddie, who shrugs in
response. He’s not exactly sure what Bobby has up his sleeve but there’s a level of trust he has
always had in his captain that makes him not question the choice.

“All right, let's clear our minds. What we do here is as important as any call, because it keeps us
from becoming the emergency. So let's close our eyes, focus in on our breathing.”

Eddie doesn’t close his eyes but instead watches everyone around him. Hen looks content, Bobby
looks peaceful, Chimney looks restless—like he’s ready to be home—but calm otherwise, and
even Ravi looks like he’s finally found his place. He can’t spare too much time on anyone else
because he glances over at Buck, and it’s like he’s powerless to look away.

His bright blue eyes are shut, but they’re crinkled at the corners from the smile that’s taking over
the rest of his face.
 Buck doesn’t know that Chimney looks like he wants to be with Maddie and Jee, or that Ravi’s
found the missing piece of his puzzle. He doesn’t feel the nervous energy radiating out of every
one of Hen’s pores that Eddie equates to the soon-to-be addition to their family. He doesn’t witness
Bobby staring up at the sky with his hands holding on to the same rosary beads he had held tightly
sitting beside Buck’s bedside only a few weeks earlier.

No, Buck’s just happy because that’s who he is. He’s alive and he’s happy.

Eddie reaches toward Buck instinctively. They haven’t told the team about their newfound
relationship, but they haven’t exactly been shy about it either. What they have isn’t something they
want to hide, and for the most part, they never really have. The only thing that’s changed, really, is
the label of their relationship, but the love they have for each other has remained the same—just
like everyone has always pointed out to them.

“We can let go of past traumas. We can let go of future expectations, and allow opportunity to find
us.”

At Bobby’s words, Buck reaches back toward Eddie, their hands connecting like magnets. Buck
opens his eyes just enough to maneuver his fingers through Eddie’s until they’re lazily laced,
hanging down between the two chairs. He smiles, raising his eyebrows as if asking whether
Eddie’s even listening to Bobby’s words. Eddie rolls his eyes but squeezes Buck’s hand in answer.
Not that he needs to, Buck has read him like a book, as always.

Eddie hears what Bobby is suggesting. He can’t promise to let go of his past traumas or future
expectations, but he’s doing his best to not let them control him. His past traumas aren’t things that
can so easily be forgotten, not when they involve Buck, and he’s been doing his best to adjust his
future expectations so they’re less catastrophic and more hopeful.

He doesn’t take his eyes off of Buck as he thinks about the expanse of opportunities he’s allowed
himself now that he’s stopped letting his fear control him. There’s still going to be the lingering
worry, nagging doubt, and persistent nervousness that comes from being in love with someone like
Buck, but Eddie thinks–no, knows–that there’s no use in wasting more time not having this.

Because this?

Having Buck in his arms every night.

Buck’s laughter floating through his ears at every station barbecue where they’re attached by the
hip.

The feeling of Buck slipping inside of him after a long shift, hitting all the right spots to make
Eddie feel like he’s never felt before.

The taste of Buck on his lips, mixed with ice cream before dinner or pancake syrup in the morning.

The shouts of glee from his son when his best friend finally moves in.

Sitting on the roof of the station that brought him the love of his life with the family he’s made
while they all remember why they’re there, Eddie finally gets it.

No matter how short or long that life may be, these are his reasons to live.

Chapter End Notes

 Feel free to follow me on Tumblr and Twitter for chaotic content.

End Notes

Follow along for the next week as I'll be posting a chapter a day until this is all posted!

Feel free to follow me on Tumblr and Twitter for chaotic content.

Please drop by the archive and comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!