Assertiveness Skills

Assertiveness and Self-Esteem
Participant’s Guide
INTERPERSONAL SKILLS:
Assertiveness
and
Self-esteem
High self-esteem can

be learned, so let’s
begin to learn how.
Personal Expectations
In the space below, write down what you most hope to learn about
assertiveness, communication and self-esteem as a result of the today’s
training.
I want to achieve…
AGENDA
 Expectations and Norms
 Comfort Zone
 I Wanna Be
 Power of Social Mirror
 Define Self-Esteem
 Self-Esteem Inventory
 Journey of Child to Adult
 The Power of Perception
 Who’s Hiding Behind the Mask
 Recognize and Avoid Destructive
Behaviour
 Circle of Control
 Rewriting Negative Scripts
 Defeating the Inner Critic
 Positive Affirmation Exercise
 Action Plan—Frustration Journal
 Vision of Self
 Action Plan—Start Your Success Journey
 Interpersonal Skills Assessment
 Communication Behaviour Matrix for
Assertiveness Levels
 Interpersonal Communications Behaviours
 Effective Feedback & Role-plays
Comfort Zone
Four Great Fears In Life
FEAR MEANS LIVING

WITHOUT
1. Living a meaningless life ………………..
2. Being alone …………………
3. Being lost ………………..
4. Fear of death …………………
“A human mind, once expanded, never

returns to its original shape.”
Objectives
 Learn techniques for building self-

esteem that will help you improve
your work performance.
 Recognize how increased self-

esteem will help you improve your
work performance.
 Perform real-world exercises that

will incrementally build your self-
esteem and recognize and avoid
self-destruction.
 Identify your assertiveness levels for

enhanced interpersonal
communication.
INTRODUCTION
Assertive behavior means standing up for your rights and expressing your truths in a way
that neither shrinks from what you want to communicate nor assumes that they are the only
valid truths.
Assertiveness also includes recognizing and respecting the equality, rights and truths of
other people.
Example
John, I don't like the way you said that.
I want to stay at home tonight.
I think Jane is not comfortable with the way you look at her.
Discussion
Assertiveness can be understood in terms of what it is not: it is neither Aggressive behavior

and Passive behavior. In both persuasion and defending against persuasive efforts, assertive
behavior is a powerful tool.
The assumptions on which assertiveness is based are that:
 All people have needs that they legitimately seek to satisfy, including you.
 All people have equal and legitimate rights, including you.
 All people can contribute to conversation, including you.
A critical aspect of this is an assumption of equality, which leads to a respect for others that
moderates, but does not obviate, the seeking to achieve one's own goals.
The result of assertive behavior is that you get much of what you want whilst retaining the
respect of other people.
In Transactional Analysis, the Adult uses assertive behavior and language, seeking equality
rather than control or safety.
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Submissive behavior
Description
submissive (or passive) behavior means shying away from saying what you really mean and
not seeking to achieve your needs, particularly when someone else has conflicting needs. A
submissive person is a shrinking violet, avoiding upsetting others either because they fear
them or they fear to hurt their feelings.
When things go wrong, the submissive person is likely to assume that they are to blame in
some way, and accept culpability when singled out by other people.
You can often see submissiveness in the use of such as floppy language, qualifiers and
submissive body language, although these do not always indicate submissive behavior.
Example
A child is bullied at school but neither fights back nor tells the teachers. They
may wish they could be stronger, like the bully.
A manager tends to avoid giving complex work to one of their subordinates

who complains whenever something becomes difficult.
Sorry, I didn't mean to say that. I should have realized that you wanted to go elsewhere.
Discussion
The core assumption of submissive behavior is that you are inferior to others in some way,
and hence that other people have greater rights and more valid truths than you.
In Transactional Analysis, the adaptive child may become submissive when coping with the
controlling parent.
The submissive person will typically suppress their feelings and repress memories of being
dominated, particularly early triggers that led them to their submissive state. They may also
cope with the disappointment of not getting what they want by trivializing.
The result of submissive behavior is that you get little of what you want whilst losing the
respect of other people. You are also likely to fall into a spiral of failing self-esteem, internal
anger and psychosomatic problems.
Aggressive behavior
Aggressive behavior means standing up for your rights, but in a way that violates the rights
of other people. It means saying what you believe in a way that assumes that it the only
truth, and that any contradictory statement is wrong.
Aggressive people often uses anger, aggressive body language other threatening behavior to
bully, subjugate and dominate other people. They will use punishing language to infer guilt
and create shame. The will use overt techniques of conversion to create unquestioning
compliance.
Example
You're so stupid. Just do as I say and don't ask questions.
What! Are you arguing with me!! How dare you!!!
Was that you? You know you shouldn't have done that.
Discussion
The core assumption of aggressive behavior is that the aggressor is superior to others in
some way, and hence that other people have lesser rights and less valid truths than you.
The result of aggressive behavior is that the aggressor gets much of what they want whilst
losing the respect of other people. Whilst aggressive people appear to have friends, these are
often passive people who either fear leaving or seek protection.
If you can cow another person then they are less likely to assertively or aggressively stand
up for their rights. The goal of much aggressive behavior is to create passive behavior in
others.
Aggressive people often have deep fears that they project onto other people. Bullies are
often cowards who use aggression as a method of attack that pre-empts others attacking
them. Where they fear particular people, they may displace their revenge onto unwitting
victims
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Comparing behaviors
Here is a summary of key differences between assertive behavior, aggressive behavior and
submissive behavior. Note how the benefits and costs of aggressive and submissive
behavior are sometimes the same and sometimes opposite.
One the traps of aggressive/submissive behavior is to believe that this is all there is, and
you have to be one or the other. Assertive behavior is not aggressive and not submissive nor
any way in between. It takes a new position in a separate place outside the one-dimensional
aggressive-submissive spectrum.
Attribute Aggressive Submissive Assertive

Respect for
Low High High
others
Respect for
High (usually) Low High
self
Attack others
Submit to others Respect others
Me first
Me last Me and you equal
Hide weaknesses
Key actions Visible weaknesses Open about
weaknesses and
Exaggerate
Downplay strengths strengths
strengths
Always concede Fair exchange
Do not concede
Perceived Get what I want Won't get harmed Get much of
benefits what I want
Won't get harmed Low personal risk
Will be respected
Will be respected Will be liked
Fair relationships
Poor relationships
Poor relationships Do not always
get what I want
Get overlooked
Likely costs Subtle revenge
Confusion/envy
People take
Lost communication of others
advantage
Assertive beliefs
Much of what we do, say, feel and act is based on our beliefs, and in particular in our beliefs
about people. Problems occur when we hold different beliefs about ourselves and about
other people.
If you have assertive beliefs, then assertive behavior will follow. If you do not hold assertive
beliefs, then you will have difficulty in sustaining assertiveness.
Beliefs that drive assertive behavior include:
 I am equal to others, with the same fundamental rights.

 I am free to think, choose and make decisions for myself.
 I am able to try things, make mistakes, learn and improve.
 I am responsible for my own actions and my responses to other people.
 I do not need permission to take action.
 It is ok to disagree with others. Agreement is not always necessary or possible.
Non-assertive beliefs
Non-assertive beliefs are generally those that assume we are not equal to other people, and
hence drive passive or aggressive behavior.
Beliefs that drive passive behavior include:
 Others are more important, more intelligent or otherwise better than me.
 Other people do not like me because I do not deserve to be liked.
 My opinion is not of value and will not be valued.
 I must be perfect in everything I do, otherwise I am a complete failure.
 It is better to be safe and say nothing rather than say what I think.
Beliefs that drive aggressive behavior include:
 I am cleverer and more powerful than other people.

 Other people cannot be trusted to do as they are told.
 It's a dog-eat-dog world. I must get other people before they get me.
 The only way to get things done is to tell people. Asking is a sign of weakness.
 People who do not fight hard for what they want get what they deserve.
Developing assertive beliefs
There are a number of things that you can do to develop and stabilize assertive beliefs that
will lead to you being more assertive:
 Notice how your current beliefs drive your decisions and actions. Identify the
beliefs that you want to change.
 Wonder about how the beliefs of others drive their decisions and actions.
 Decide on the beliefs that you want to adopt. Write them down. Pin them on
the wall. Carry them with you in your wallet or pocket.
 Start by acting assertive. You may not feel it, but you can always act it.
 Start small: be assertive in relatively simple contexts, such as asking for things
in shops and restaurants where it is not a 'life or death' situation.
 Reflect on your successes. Realize how new beliefs are making a difference.
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HOW TO HELP BUILD, BOOST, AND DEVELOP SELF-
CONFIDENCE AND ASSERTIVENESS
Building self-confidence and assertiveness is probably a lot easier than you think. 'Non-
assertive' people (in other words 'normal people') do not generally want to transform into
being excessively dominant people. When most people talk about wanting to be more
assertive, what they usually really mean is:
 'How can I become more able to resist the pressure and dominance of excessively
dominant people?'
 'How can I stand up to bullies (or one bully in particular)?'
 And also, 'How can I exert a little more control in situations that are important to
me?'
Pure assertiveness - dominance for the sake of being dominant - is not a natural behaviour for
most people. Most people are not naturally assertive. Most people tend to be passive by
nature. The assertive behaviour of highly dominant people tends to be driven by their
personality (and often some insecurity). It is not something that has been 'trained'.
For anyone seeking to increase their own assertiveness it is helpful to understand the typical
personality and motivation of excessively dominant people, who incidentally cause the most
worry to non-assertive people.
It's helpful also at this point to explain the difference between leadership with dominance:
Good leadership is inclusive, developmental, and a force for what is right. Good leadership
does not 'dominate' non-assertive people, it includes them and involves them. Dominance as a
management style is not good in any circumstances. It is based on short-term rewards and
results, mostly for the benefit of the dominant, and it fails completely to make effective use of
team-members' abilities and potential.
The fact is that most excessively dominant people are usually bullies. Bullies are deep-down
very insecure people. They dominate because they are too insecure to allow other people to
have responsibility and influence, and this behaviour is generally conditioned from childhood
for one reason or another. The dominant bullying behaviour is effectively reinforced by the
response given by 'secure' and 'non-assertive' people to bullying. The bully gets his or her
own way. The bullying dominant behaviour is rewarded, and so it persists.
Dominant, bullying people, usually from a very young age, become positively conditioned to
bullying behaviour, because in their own terms it works. Their own terms are generally
concerned with satisfying their ego and selfish drives to get their own way, to control, to
achieve status (often implanted by insecure ambitious parents), to manipulate, make
decisions, build empires, to collect material signs of achievement, monetary wealth, and
particularly to establish protective mechanisms, such as 'yes-men' followers ('body-guards'),
immunity from challenge and interference, scrutiny, judgement, etc. Early childhood
experiences play an important part in creating bullies. Bullies are victims as well as
aggressors. And although it's a tough challenge for anyone on the receiving end of their
behaviour they actually deserve sympathy.
N.B. Sympathy is not proposed here to be a sole or significant tactic in countering bullying.
Rather, sympathy is advocated as a more constructive, stronger, alternative feeling to being
fearful or intimidated.
Non-assertive people do not normally actually aspire to being excessively dominant people,
and they certainly don't normally want to become bullies. When most people talk about
wanting to be more assertive, what they really mean is 'I'd like to be more able to resist the
pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people.' Doing this is not really so hard, and
using simple techniques it can even be quite enjoyable and fulfilling.
Importantly, the non-assertive person should understand where they really are - a true
starting point: non-assertive behaviour is a sign of strength usually, not weakness, and often it
is the most appropriate behaviour for most situations - don't be fooled into thinking that you
always have to be more assertive.
ASSERTIVENESS AND SELF-CONFIDENCE METHODS AND TECHNIQUES
i) know the facts and have them to hand
Ensure you know all the facts in advance - do some research, and have it on hand ready to
produce (and give out copies if necessary). Bullies usually fail to prepare their facts; they
dominate through bluster, force and reputation. If you know and can produce facts to support
or defend your position it is unlikely that the aggressor will have anything prepared in
response. When you know that a situation is going to arise, over which you'd like to have
some influence, prepare your facts, do your research, do the sums, get the facts and figures,
solicit opinion and views, be able to quote sources; then you will be able to make a firm case,
and also dramatically improve your reputation for being someone who is organised and firm.
ii) anticipate other people's behaviour and prepare your

responses
Anticipate other people's behaviour and prepare your own responses. Role-play in your mind
how things are likely to happen. Prepare your responses according to the different scenarios
that you think could unfold. Prepare other people to support and defend you. Being well
prepared will increase your self-confidence and enable you to be assertive about what's
important to you.
iii) prepare and use good open questions

Prepare and use good questions to expose flaws in other people's arguments. Asking good
questions is the most reliable way of gaining the initiative, and taking the wind out of
someone's sails, in any situation. Questions that bullies dislike most are deep, constructive,
incisive and probing, especially if the question exposes a lack of thought, preparation,
consideration, consultation on their part. For example:
 'What is your evidence (for what you have said or claimed)?'

 'Who have you consulted about this?'
 'How did you go about looking for alternative solutions?'

 'How have you measured (whatever you say is a problem)?'
 'How will you measure the true effectiveness of your solution if you implement it?'
 'What can you say about different solutions that have worked in other situations?'
iv) re-condition and practice your own new reactions to

aggression
Re-conditioning your own reaction to dominant people, particularly building your own
'triggered reactions', giving yourself 'thinking time' to prevent yourself being bulldozed, and
'making like a brick wall' in the face of someone else's attempt to dominate you without
justification. Try visualising yourself behaving in a firmer manner, saying firmer things,
asking firm clear, probing questions, and presenting well-prepared facts and evidence.
Practice in your mind saying 'Hold on a minute - I need to consider what you have just said.'
Also practice saying 'I'm not sure about that. It's too important to make a snap decision now.'
Also 'I can't agree to that at such short notice. Tell me when you really need to know, and I'll
get back to you.' There are other ways to help resist bulldozing and bullying. Practice and
condition new reactions in yourself to resist, rather than cave in, for fear that someone might
shout at you or have a tantrum. If you are worried about your response to being shouted at
then practice being shouted at until you realise it really doesn't hurt - it just makes the person
doing the shouting look daft. Practice with your most scary friend shouting right in your face
for you to 'do as you are told', time after time, and in between each time say calmly (and
believe it because it's true) 'You don't frighten me.' Practice it until you can control your
response to being shouted at.
v) have faith that your own abilities will ultimately work

if you use them
Non-assertive people have different styles and methods compared to dominant, aggressive
people and bullies. Non-assertive people are often extremely strong in areas of process, detail,
dependability, reliability, finishing things (that others have started), checking, monitoring,
communicating, interpreting and understanding, and working cooperatively with others.
These capabilities all have the potential to undo a bully who has no proper justification. Find
out what your strengths and style are and use them to defend and support your position. The
biggest tantrum is no match for a well organised defence.
vi) feel sympathy rather than fear towards bullies

Re-discover the belief that non-assertive behaviour is actually okay - it's the bullies who are
the ones with the problems. Feeling sympathy for someone who threatens you - thereby
resisting succumbing to fearful or intimidated feelings - can help to move you psychologically
into the ascendancy, or at least to a position where you can see weaknesses in the bully.
Aggressors and bullies were commonly children who were not loved, or children forced to
live out the aspirations of their parents. In many ways all bullies are still children, and as far
as your situation permits, seeing them as children can help you find greater strength and
resistance. Transactional Analysis theory, and especially the modern TA concepts, are helpful
for some people in understanding how this sort of childhood emotional damage affects
people, and how specific communications can be planned and used in response to excessive
dominance, bullying, temper tantrums, and other threatening behaviours.
EXERCISE
AN ASSERTIVENESS QUIZ
Answer the questions below honestly. They will help you

gain some insights about your current level
of assertiveness.
Assign a number to each item using this scale:
Always 5 4 3 2 1 Never
_____ I ask others to do things without feeling guilty or anxious.
When someone asks me to do something I don't want to do, I say "no"
_____
without feeling guilty or anxious.
_____ I am comfortable when speaking to a large group of people.
_____ I confidently express my honest opinions to authority figures.
When I experience powerful feelings (anger, frustration, disappointment,
_____
etc.), I verbalize them easily.
_____ When I express anger, I do so without blaming others for "making me mad."
_____ I am comfortable speaking up in a group situation.
If I disagree with the majority opinion in a meeting, I can "stick to my guns"
_____
without feeling uncomfortable or being abrasive.
_____ When I make a mistake, I acknowledge it.
_____ I can tell others when their behavior creates a problem for me.
Meeting new people in social situations is something I do with ease and
_____
comfort.
When discussing my beliefs, I do so without labeling the opinions of others as
_____
"crazy," "stupid," "ridiculous," or irrational."
I assume that most people are competent and trustworthy and do not have
_____
difficulty delegating tasks to others.
When considering doing something I have never done, I feel confident I can
_____
learn to do it.
_____ I believe my needs are as important as those of others and I am entitled to
have my needs satisfied

_____ Total Score
HOW ASSERTIVE ARE YOU?
If your total is 60 or higher, you have a consistently assertive philosophy and

probably handle most situations well.
If your total is 45-60, you have a fairly assertive outlook. There are some
situations in which you may be naturally assertive, but you should be able to
increase your assertiveness through practice.
If you total is 30-45, you seem to be assertive in some situations but your natural response is
either nonassertive or aggressive. You may want to change some perceptions and practice
new behaviors in order to handle things much more assertively in the future.
If your total is 15-30, you have considerable difficulty being assertive. You need to
practice and allow yourself time to grow and change. You can become much more
comfortable in situations where asserting yourself is important
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What is Self-Esteem?
A Confidence and Satisfaction

Within Oneself.”
Webster’s Dictionary
Self-Esteem Inventory
Words to understand when doing this inventory:
Tenacious: adhesive; stubborn; persistent; constant; determined
Decisive: conclusive; definitive; final
Discernment: recognise differences; see clearly; insight; perception
Persuasive: convincing; forceful; effective
1. I usually put my best foot forward. ______

2. I rarely feel embarrassed. ______
3. I feel I have above-average intelligence. _
4. I am quite ambitious. ______
5. I can be very decisive. ______
6. I am tenacious in matters that count. ______
7. I enjoy my own company. ______
8. I have strong powers of concentration. ______
9. I don’t feel shy or ill at ease with new
people. ______
10.When situations beyond my control go
wrong, I don’t blame myself. ______
11.I enjoy being praised or complimented ____
12.I don’t feel anxious when I have to
address a group. ______
13.I have fantasies of doing something great. ______
14.I don’t feel humiliated or hurt if someone
makes a joke at my expense. ______
15.I don’t mind showing off my good points and
getting attention for them. ______
16.In general, I have lots of energy. ______
17.I enjoy taking calculated risks. ______

18.I have a great deal of self-confidence. ______
19.I can remain cool in a crisis. ______
20.I have considerable powers of discernment. ______
21.I am quite self-sufficient. ______
22.I feel I’m a persuasive person. ______
23.I can give praise easily and with sincerity. ______
24.I feel I can hold my own in any group. ______
26.I appreciate constructive criticism. ______
27.Most people I meet accept me. ______
28.I don’t feel uncomfortable in a position
of authority. ______
29.I feel I have a strong personality.
30.I react quickly and well to an unexpected
situation. ______
Scoring
Count the number of times you answered “True”
25-30 very high with sound self-esteem
20-24 moderately high self-esteem
10-19 self-esteem which needs attention
0-9 very low self-esteem which can lead to high stress

Journey from Child to Adult
CHILD
Sense of
Security
Sense of
Belonging
Power of the Social Mirror
MYSELF
IMAGE OF MY
MYSELF ATTITUDES
EVALUATION ACTIONS TOWARD

OF REACTION OTHERS
TO ME
REACTION EXPECTATIONS
TO ME OF ME
EVALUATION
ATTITUDES
OF MY
TOWARD ME
ACTIONS
OTHERS
“Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.”

Napoleon
ATTITUDE ATTITUDE
Attitude is the way you look at things mentally,

not physically.
Think of attitude as your mental focus on the
outside world.
 Attitudes Are Caught, Not Taught!

 Your Attitude Speaks the Loudest
Belief - a thought that we regard as true or real.
Values - the Principles and Standards which we choose to

live our life by.
Culture - intellectual development in a set time or place.
BELIEFS
ATTITUDE
ACTIONS
RESULTS (i.e. behaviour or
treatment from others)
Circles of Control, Influence and

Concern
Control_______________
Influence_____________ _____________________
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_____________________ _____________________
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Language of Proactive People
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Control
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Influence
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Concern
Language of Reactive People
Concern________________
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The Mask
Workaholic:
Nice Guy/Gal:
Poor Pitiful Me:
Trouble Maker:
Perfectionist:
Do we wear any other Masks?

Who’s Hiding Behind the Mask?
Role Play situation_________________________________________

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Roles
 Workaholic
 Nice Guy/Gal
 Poor Pitiful Me
 Trouble Maker
 Perfectionist
Affirmations
Affirmations are:
 Simple and specific
 Positively worded and in the present tense
 Personal (I and Me)
 Attainable
Instructions for putting affirmations into practice:
Select a quiet undisturbed moment, when you are comfortable.
1. Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and relax.
2. Repeat the affirmation several times, pausing between repetitions.
3. Believe the affirmation is true. Say it with conviction.
4. Picture yourself having achieved the goal stated in the affirmation.
5. Over time, the affirmation becomes real.
As you work on the “How I will accomplish this” sections of your Action
Plan, make the following affirmations to help you reinforce your skills
building in personal effectiveness:
 I have confidence in myself and in my ability to cope with life.
 I know what I want and need.
 I believe it is OK to want what I want and need. I respect my own
needs.
 I am aware that my wants and needs may cut across others’ wants
and needs.
 I respect others’ needs.
 I am willing to discuss with others how their needs can be met.
 I am able to meet my own needs when others chose not to help me.
 I can and will take charge of my own life.
Frustration Journal
Think you can, think you can’t, either way you still right
Track your negative thinking. Which negative thinking has power over you?
Use this journal to rewrite negative scripts to positive scripts.
Date___________________________________
Situation_______________________________
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Feelings________________________________
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Old Way of Thinking______________________
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New Way of Thinking_____________________
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Date___________________________________
Situation_______________________________
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Feelings________________________________
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New Way of Thinking_____________________
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Frustration Journal (continued)
Date___________________________________
Situation_______________________________
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Feelings________________________________
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New Way of Thinking _____________________
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Date___________________________________
Situation________________________________
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Feelings________________________________
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New Way of Thinking _____________________
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Vision of Self
What did each of the following people say to honour you?
 A Boss
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 A Customer
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 A Family Member
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 A Neighbour
___________________________________
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 A Friend
___________________________________
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 How did this make you feel?

___________________________________
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Action Plan for Your Success Journey
HAVE
DO
BE
1. I want to Be ________________________
______________________________________
How will I accomplish this?_______________
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2. I want to Do ________________________
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______________________________________
3. I want to Have ______________________
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Human Needs
Step 1:
Following is a list of common human needs. Check those that
reflect your needs.
1. The need to feel welcome
2. The need for timely service
3. The need to feel comfortable
4. The need for orderly service
5. The need to be understood
6. The need to receive help or assistance
7. The need to feel important
8. The need to be appreciated
9. The need to be recognized or remembered
10. The need for respect
Step 2:
Now select your top three priorities:
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Power of Negative Thinking
Black
Cloud
Example of a Negative Script___________________________________
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Rewrite a Positive Script ____________________________________

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Power of Negative Thinking (continued)
Critical
Tape
Example of a Negative Script___________________________________
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Comparison
to
Others
Example of a Negative Script ____________________________________

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Being
Perfect

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Doom
and
Gloom

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Not
Accepting
Compliments

____________________________________
____________________________________

____________________________________
____________________________________
Techniques to Overcome
Negative Thinking
 Try not to see the world in extremes. Be aware of the middle ground.
 The past is not necessarily an indicator of the future.
 Stop thinking in terms like never, always, nobody, and none.
 Approach each situation anew. Don’t let one incident make you generalize
that the same thing will happen in all similar situations.
 Search for positive ways of looking at events. Don’t zero in on the negative
aspect first.
 Realize that you don’t really know what others are thinking and feeling.
Instead of assuming they are thinking ill of you, ask them, if you want to
know!
 Don’t blow up all the negative things in your life and downplay the positive.
Do just the opposite!
 When you hear negative thoughts about yourself circulating in your head—
STOP. Take a breath and replace the negative thought with a positive one.
Your Self-Talk Journal
I feel bad about myself in this situation:

____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
An example of my negative thinking in this situation is:

____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
My new way of thinking will be:

____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
Interpersonal Skills Progress Assessment

Directions: Indicate how characteristic or descriptive each of the following

statements is of you by using the code given below:
1—very characteristic of me
2—somewhat characteristic of me
3—undecided
4—somewhat uncharacteristic of me
5—very uncharacteristic of me
_______ 1. I feel that most people seem to be more assertive or aggressive than I am.
_______ 2. In the past I have hesitated to make or accept dates because of “shyness.”
_______ 3. When the food served at a restaurant is not done to my satisfaction, I

complain about it to the waiter or waitress.
_______ 4. I am careful to avoid hurting other people’s feelings, even when I feel that I
have been injured.
_______ 5. If a salesperson has gone to considerable trouble to show me merchandise

that is not quite suitable, I have a difficult time saying “no.”
_______ 6. When I am asked to do something, I insist upon knowing why.
_______ 7. There are times when I look for a good, vigorous argument.
_______ 8. I strive to get ahead as effectively as most people in my situation.
_______ 9. To be honest, people often take advantage of me.
_______ 10. I enjoy starting conversations with new acquaintances and strangers.
_______ 11. I often don’t know what to say to attractive persons of the opposite sex.
_______ 12. I often hesitate to make phone calls to business establishments and
institutions.
_______ 13. I would rather apply for a job or admission to a university by writing letters
that by going through personal interviews.
______ 14. I find it embarrassing to return merchandise.
_______ 15. If a close and respected relative were annoying, I would suppress my feelings
rather than express my annoyance.
_______ 16. I have avoided asking questions for fear of sounding stupid.
_______ 17. During an argument, I am sometimes afraid that I will get so upset that I will
shake all over.
_______ 18. If a famed and respected lecturer makes a statement that I think is incorrect, I
will have the audience hear my point of view as well.
_______ 19. I avoid arguing over prices with clerks and salespeople. (This does not mean
bartering.)
_______ 20. When I have done something important or worthwhile, I find a way to let
others know about it.
_______ 21. I am open and direct about my feelings.
_______ 22. If someone has been spreading false and negative stories about me, I see him
or her as soon as possible to “have a talk” about it.
_______ 23. I often have a hard time saying “no.”
_______ 24. I tend to hold in my emotions rather than make a scene.
_______ 25. I complain about poor service in a restaurant and elsewhere.
_______ 26. When I am given a compliment, I sometimes just don’t know what to say.
_______ 27. If a couple near me in a theatre or at a lecture were conversing rather loudly, I
would ask them to be quiet or take their conversation elsewhere.
_______ 28. Anyone attempting to jump queue is in for a good battle.
_______ 29. I am quick to express an opinion.
_____ 30. There are times when I feel like I just can’t say anything
Interpersonal Skills Assessment Scoring Sheet
Fill in the score you gave for Fill in the score you gave for
the following numbered items. the following numbered items.
3. _______________ 1. _______________
6. _______________ 2. _______________
7. _______________ 4. _______________
8. _______________ 5. _______________
10. _______________ 9. _______________
18. _______________ 11. _______________
20. _______________ 12. _______________
21. _______________ 13. _______________
22. _______________ 14. _______________
25. _______________ 15. _______________
27. _______________ 16. _______________
28. _______________ 17. _______________
29. _______________ 19. _______________
Total (-)______________ 23. _______________
24. _______________
26. _______________
30. _______________
Total (+)_____________
Add each column. Assign a negative score to the column on the left and a positive score to the column
on the right. Combine the two numbers for score on the Rathus Assertiveness Survey.
My Score _________________
-48 -18 +2 +22 +42 +72

Very Generally Sometimes Generally Very
Unassertive Unassertive Assertive/ Assertive Assertive
Sometimes Not
Communication Behaviour Matrix
Unassertiveness Assertiveness Aggressiveness
Emotion Internalise feelings Aware of and deals with Tension is turned outward.
Experienced and tensions feelings as they occur.
Anger or other similar
Experience fear, Tension is kept within a emotions mask any fear,
anxiety, guilt, normal, constructive range. anxiety, or guilt.
depression, fatigue,
nervousness.
Emotional
“temperature” is
below normal.
Nonverbal Self-effacing and Faces up to a situation and “Moving against” a
Behaviour dependent. allows a person to stand up situation; other – effacing
for him/herself in an and counter dependents.
Moves away from a independent manner.
situation. Glaring eyes, leaning
Good eye contact, stands forward, pointing a finger,
Downcast eyes, the firmly but comfortably on or a raised, snickering, or
shifting of weight, a two feet with hands loosely haughty tone of voice.
slumped body, the at his/her sides and talks in
wringing of hands, or a steady tone of voice.
a whining, hesitant, or
giggly tone of voice.
Verbal Qualifiers – Maybe, I “I” statements – I think, I Threats – You’d better, if

Behaviour guess, I wonder if you feel, I want. you don’t watch out.
could, would you
mind very much, only, Cooperative words – Lt’s, Put down – Come on you
just, I can’t, don’t you How can we resolve this? must be kidding.
think.
Empathic statements of Evaluative comments or
Fillers – Uh, well, you interest – What do you sexist or racist terms –
know, and think, what do you see? Should, bad
Negaters – It’s not

really important, don’t
bother.
Verbal Communication Techniques
 Use “I” messages and “feeling” verbs.
 Discuss your goals and accomplishments.
 Show an interest in others.
 When someone compliments you, acknowledge it and accept it graciously.
 Disagree mildly. If you’re unsure of another person’s thoughts or feelings,

state your position firmly, quietly, and in a non-demanding, uncritical way.
 Disagree more emphatically when it’s necessary to get your point across.
 Ask for clarification when you’re confused.
 Don’t be afraid to ask “Why?”
 Speak up for yourself.
 Be persistent—if you have a reasonable or legitimate request, don’t give up

until it’s been fulfilled.
 Don’t feel compelled to justify your feelings and opinions.

Verbal Communication Practice

1. I believe I deserve a promotion. My work has been consistently evaluated as
outstanding and I do far more than is expected of me.
2. I would appreciate it if you would not make commitments for me.
3. After having given your point of view a great deal of consideration, my
decision is...
4. Before I can complete this assignment, I will need additional information.
When will it be convenient for us to meet?
5. I believe I am being taken advantage of for the following reasons...I would
like to hear your thoughts on this matter.
6. I’m glad we’ve had this opportunity to express our thoughts to one another.
7. The task you have just asked me to perform is not part of my job as it was
described when I was first hired.
8. I would prefer not to comment at this time.
9. Thank you for asking, but I’m not interested.
10. I would like to apply for the position of...I believe I am qualified for this
position because...
11. I need to think about that last statement before responding.
12. Why don’t you take a moment or two to digest what I’ve just said and then
see if you have any questions?
13. My perception of what occurred is different from yours. What I believe took
place is...
14. I am confident that I will do an excellent job once I am permitted to
demonstrate my skills.
15. I have some suggestions that you may find helpful the next time you...
16. I disagree with you.
17. ______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
Interpersonal Communication Behaviours

 When we are aggressive, we stand up for our rights and express our thoughts
and feelings. However, we do it in a way that is often inappropriate, and
always violates the personal rights of the other person. The usual goal of
aggressive behaviour is to win by forcing the other person to lose.
 Unassertive behaviour involves violating your own rights by failing to express

your honest feelings, thoughts, and beliefs or by expressing them in such an
apologetic or self-effacing manner that others can easily disregard them. The
goal of non-assertiveness is to please others and to avoid conflict.
 Assertiveness is the appropriate, direct and honest communication of your

beliefs, feelings and desires. It involves respect for yourself by expressing what
you need or want to say without undue anxiety. It also requires a respect for
the other person’s needs and rights.
It is not a way to get what you want by manipulating or controlling others.

Specifically, it is accepting or giving a compliment—clarifying your ideas—
participating in group discussions—requesting a favour—expressing positive
feelings verbally. It is also returning merchandise—saying “no”—objecting to
annoying or hurtful behaviour—protesting attempts to make you feel guilty—
expressing negative feelings verbally.
The goal of effective communication is mutual solution and straight

talk—win/win.
11 Key Points About

Interpersonal Behaviour
It is:
 Self-expressive
 Honest
 Direct
 Self-enhancing
 Not hurtful to others
 Partially composed of the verbal content of the message (feelings,

rights, facts, opinions, requests, limits)
 Partially composed of the nonverbal style of the message (eye

contact, voice, posture, facial expression, gestures, distance, timing,
fluency, listening)
 Partially composed of the emotional content of the message (how

we are feeling, what we are thinking)
 Appropriate for the person and the situation, rather than universal
 Socially responsible
 A combination of learned skills—not an inborn trait.

Benefits of Effective Interpersonal Behaviour

 When we are able to express our feelings openly to others, we enhance both our
personal and our professional relationships. We become more effective in bringing
about the life and the job that we want. We become more confident, less frustrated,
less anxious and treat others better. We become proactive—making things happen
rather than allowing things to happen to us. Increased pro-activity leads to higher
self-esteem and improved mental health. It reduces self-doubt, anxiety, and
depression.
 Every problem seems to have a win-win solution. Effective communicators first ask
what the other person or party wants and then quickly negotiate a solution that
everyone can live with. Because problems are solved more quickly, resentment,
frustration, and other tensions that block peak performance are minimized.
 Interpersonal skills training helps employees become problem solvers rather than
victims of a system they believe they can’t control. While victims feel paralysed,
people with effective interpersonal skills feel empowered to find the best solutions.
 Effective interpersonal behaviour can actually reduce physical and mental stress in
the workplace because people feel less like victims and more like influencers.
 Employees stop procrastinating and start acting. They form an action plan for success
by asking, “What will it take to make my goal or wish a reality?”
 Communication becomes clearer and more concise, which reduces misunderstandings

and clarifies expectations. Phrases like “I thought you meant...” virtually disappear.
 In an effective work environment, people speak up and say what’s on their minds.
They aren’t afraid their ideas will be shunned, ridiculed, or ignored.
 Employees concentrate on what’s within their control, rather than what’s beyond their
control. For instance, you can always control how you react to a situation, but you
can’t control how others react.
Video Notes
One-to-One:
One-to-Group:
Role Play
1. You are busy at work when an employee from another area comes in,
screams at you in a very angry voice, and calls you names such as
“Stupid” and “Incompetent.” The person accuses you of making an
error that proved to be very costly and embarrassing to them.
2. You are a person who is allergic to cigarette smoke and your new
officemate is very addicted to nicotine. Smoking is not allowed in the
offices, yet your colleague continues to smoke. You are having a
discussion to resolve your differences.
3. A friend urges you to attend a mutual friend’s party. This person tells
you how awful they will feel if you don’t attend the party. You’re feeling
a little guilty, but don’t want to go.
4. A friend or relative is constantly interrupting you and it has become

very annoying. You can rarely finish a sentence because the person is
constantly talking about his or her own life.
5. Choose a real-work or real-life situation in which you are currently

involved that you would like to handle assertively. Explain the situation
to your learning partner and tell them what role they will be playing (for
example, cue jumper, gossiper, complainer, fault-finder, etc.).
Feedback for
Self-Improvement
What strengths did you observe in your partner’s interpersonal skills?
What opportunities for improvement in interpersonal skills can you suggest

for your partner?
Be
S
PECIFIC
Make it
M EASURABLE
Identify who is
A
CCOUNTABLE
Be
R
EALISTIC
Specify a
T
IMEFRAME
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
AHA – a revelation or new concept that means a lot to you. Something that
you would like to practice and make a habit in your work and personal life.
What were your “AHAs”?
Ask yourself: “I want to KEEP doing that!”
Ask yourself: “I want to STOP doing that!”
Ask yourself: “I want to START doing that!”

FOR ONGOING ASSESSMENT

Self-Esteem Inventory
Visit this inventory approximately 3 months after the training or after you felt
that you have made a leap in confidence.
Words to understand when doing this inventory:
Tenacious: adhesive; stubborn; persistent; constant; determined
Decisive: conclusive; definitive; final
Discernment: recognise differences; see clearly; insight; perception
Persuasive: convincing; forceful; effective
1. I usually put my best foot forward. ______

2. I rarely feel embarrassed. ______
3. I feel I have above-average intelligence. _
4. I am quite ambitious. ______
5. I can be very decisive. ______
6. I am tenacious in matters that count. ______
7. I enjoy my own company. ______
8. I have strong powers of concentration. ______
9. I don’t feel shy or ill at ease with new people. ______
10.When situations beyond my control go
wrong, I don’t blame myself. ______
11.I enjoy being praised or complimented ____
12.I don’t feel anxious when I have to
address a group. ______
13.I have fantasies of doing something great. ______
14.I don’t feel humiliated or hurt if someone
makes a joke at my expense. ______
15.I don’t mind showing off my good points and

getting attention for them. ______
16.In general, I have lots of energy. ______
17.I enjoy taking calculated risks. ______
18.I have a great deal of self-confidence. ______
19.I can remain cool in a crisis. ______
20.I have considerable powers of discernment. ______
21.I am quite self-sufficient. ______
22.I feel I’m a persuasive person. ______
24.I feel I can hold my own in any group. ______
26.I appreciate constructive criticism. ______
27.Most people I meet accept me. ______
28.I don’t feel uncomfortable in a position
of authority. ______
29.I feel I have a strong personality.
30.I react quickly and well to an unexpected
situation. ______
Scoring
Count the number of times you answered “True”
25-31 very high with sound self-esteem
20-25 moderately high self-esteem
10-20 self-esteem which needs attention
0-10 very low self-esteem which can lead to high stress


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Assertiveness and Self-Esteem

High self-esteem can

Four Great Fears In Life

FEAR MEANS LIVING

1. Living a meaningless life ………………..

2. Being alone …………………

3. Being lost ………………..

4. Fear of death …………………

“A human mind, once expanded, never

 Learn techniques for building self-

 Recognize how increased self-

 Perform real-world exercises that

 Identify your assertiveness levels for

John, I don't like the way you said that.

I want to stay at home tonight.

Assertiveness can be understood in terms of what it is not: it is neither Aggressive behavior

The assumptions on which assertiveness is based are that:

A manager tends to avoid giving complex work to one of their subordinates

You're so stupid. Just do as I say and don't ask questions.

What! Are you arguing with me!! How dare you!!!

Attribute Aggressive Submissive Assertive

Beliefs that drive assertive behavior include:

 I am equal to others, with the same fundamental rights.

Beliefs that drive passive behavior include:

Beliefs that drive aggressive behavior include:

 I am cleverer and more powerful than other people.

ASSERTIVENESS AND SELF-CONFIDENCE METHODS AND TECHNIQUES

i) know the facts and have them to hand

ii) anticipate other people's behaviour and prepare your

iii) prepare and use good open questions

 'What is your evidence (for what you have said or claimed)?'

 'How did you go about looking for alternative solutions?'

iv) re-condition and practice your own new reactions to

v) have faith that your own abilities will ultimately work

vi) feel sympathy rather than fear towards bullies

Answer the questions below honestly. They will help you

have my needs satisfied

HOW ASSERTIVE ARE YOU?

If your total is 60 or higher, you have a consistently assertive philosophy and

A Confidence and Satisfaction

Words to understand when doing this inventory:

Tenacious: adhesive; stubborn; persistent; constant; determined

Decisive: conclusive; definitive; final

Discernment: recognise differences; see clearly; insight; perception

Persuasive: convincing; forceful; effective

1. I usually put my best foot forward. ______

17.I enjoy taking calculated risks. ______

Count the number of times you answered “True”

25-30 very high with sound self-esteem

20-24 moderately high self-esteem

10-19 self-esteem which needs attention

0-9 very low self-esteem which can lead to high stress

Journey from Child to Adult

Power of the Social Mirror

EVALUATION ACTIONS TOWARD

“Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.”

Attitude is the way you look at things mentally,

 Attitudes Are Caught, Not Taught!

Belief - a thought that we regard as true or real.

Values - the Principles and Standards which we choose to

Culture - intellectual development in a set time or place.

Circles of Control, Influence and

Poor Pitiful Me:

Do we wear any other Masks?

10. _ 9. _

18. _ 11. _

20. _ 12. _

21. _ 13. _

22. _ 14. _

25. _ 15. _

27. _ 16. _

28. _ 17. _

29. _ 19. _

Total (-) 23. _