PAID EVALUATION SERVICES

WhatsApp: +91-98778-67360
OFFICIAL DOCUMENTED POST- 001

REGISTRATION ID NUMBER 37: RAVINDER # SUBMISSION NO.2

1. THE ORIGINAL VERSION

THE QUESTION:

Television has destroyed communication among friends and family.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

THE RESPONSE:

Some individuals contend that the idiot box has been demolished communication
way and intimacy among families and friends. The easy disagrees with the
phenomenon that conversation cuts down in the families and friends. Firstly, the
essay explores that watching television is the sole time when family members set
together and share obstacles, secondly, the television set renders topic for
discussion among the peer group will be elaborated in the essay.

To commence, considering the current scenario, individuals can consume time with
each other after a hectic work schedule while watching television. In other words,
numerous offsprings put light on their obstacles while their guidance present for
watching television programs, broadly, their relationship gets strength. To
exemplify, Indians people live in joint families with affection since sharing all issues
on an imperative time of engaging with the television set. Consequently, television
assists them to maintain family bonding.

Another compelling cause, the plethora of same programs has been telecasted in
the world which might have the same interest in some programs among friends.
Everyone has distinct views on various programs which can be caused of discussion,
ultimately, friends exchange knowledge on the concerned topic after watching
television. A survey was conducted at the prestigious University of Californian
revealed that the majority of friends make conversation by using the mobile after
listening severe Coronavirus epidemic news during the quarantine. Hence,
television news renders topics to do communications.

To conclude, the essay supports the idea that television assists to make strong
bonding among the families and the peer company. Undoubtedly, television gives
chance to people to gather and discuss personal issues, and the same age mate
attains topics from the small screen for communication.

[280 WORDS]
2. THE FEEDBACK VERSION

Some individuals contend that the idiot box has been demolished 1 communication
way2 3 and intimacy among families and friends. The4 easy 5 disagrees with the
phenomenon that conversation cuts down 6 in the families and friends. Firstly, the
essay7 explores that8 watching television is the sole time9 when family members
set 10 together and share obstacles 11, secondly 12, the television set renders topic 13
for discussion among the peer group will be elaborated in the essay14.

To commence 15, considering the current scenario, individuals can consume time
with each other after a hectic work schedule while watching television. In other
words, numerous offsprings16 put light on 17 their obstacles while their guidance18
present19 for watching television programs, broadly, their relationship gets20
strength 21. To exemplify, Indians people 22 live in joint families with affection since
sharing all issues on an imperative time23 24of 25 engaging with the television set26.
Consequently, television assists them to maintain family bonding.

Another compelling cause, the plethora of same programs27 has been telecasted in
the world which 28 might have the same interest in some programs 29 among friends.
Everyone has distinct views on various programs which 30 can be caused31 of 32
discussion 33, ultimately 34, friends exchange knowledge on the concerned topic
after watching television. A survey was 35 conducted at the prestigious University of
Californian36 revealed that the majority of friends make 37conversation by 38 using
the mobile39 after listening 40 severe Coronavirus epidemic news41 during the
quarantine42. Hence, television news renders topics to do43 communications.

To conclude, the essay 44 supports the idea that television assists to make45 strong
bonding among the families and the peer company46. Undoubtedly, television gives
chance to people to gather and discuss personal issues, and the same age mate47
attains48 topics from the small screen for communication.

[280 WORDS]
IELTS; WRITING TASK 2 – ESSAY – BAND DESCRIPTORS

1. Task Achievement – BAND 6.0

 addresses all p*arts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered
than others
 presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or
repetitive
 presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed / unclear

2. Coherence & Cohesion – BAND 5.5

 presents information with some organisation but there may be a lack of overall
progression
 makes inadequate, inaccurate or overuse of cohesive devices
 may be repetitive because of lack of referencing and substitution
 may not write in paragraphs, or paragraphing may be inadequate

3. Lexical Resource – BAND 6.0

 uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task

 attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
 makes some errors in spelling and / or word formation, but they do not impede
communication

4. Grammatical Range & Accuracy – BAND 5.5

 uses only a limited range of structures

 attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple
sentences
 may make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation may be faulty; errors can
cause some difficulty for the reader

OVERALL BAND SCORE – 6.0 – COMPETENT USER

 Generally, you have an effective command of the language despite some

inaccuracies, inappropriate usage, and misunderstandings.

 You can use and understand fairly complex language, particularly in familiar
situations.
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM: FEEDBACK, CORRECTION AND EVALUATION

1
WRONG VOICE: Change the passive voice into active voice.  “The idiot box has demolished”.
2
ARTICLE: The definite article is needed here.  “the communication methods”.
3
USAGE: Use plural form by default.  “the communication methods”.
4
VOCABULARY: Use the most appropriate words.  “This essay” or “The current essay”.
5
SPELLING: Check and crosscheck your spelling before finally submitting your essay.  “essay”
6
WRONG PROJECTION:  “the opinion that this phenomenon cuts down the conversation”.
7
REPETITION:  Present diverse vocabulary to display your prowess at lexical resource.
8
MISSING OBJECT:  “explores the notion that”
9
MISSING ESSENCE:  “activity period” or “time period”
10
WRONG CHOICE OF WORD:  “sit”
11
RECONSIDER WORD USAGE:  “share their feelings, emotions, and experiences regarding obstacles.
12
SEQUENCING:  and secondly
13
DEFAULT PLURAL:  Use the plural by default to override problems:  “the topics”.
14
REDUNDANT:  Already mentioned at the beginning of the sentence. Repeating is not beneficial.
15
PHRASE USAGE:  “To commence with”
16
WRONG CHOICE OF WORD: Consider alternatives  “youngsters”, children, adolescents…
17
MISSING CLARITY: “concentrate” or “focus”.
18
WRONG CHOICE OF WORD:  “guardians” or elders…
19
VOICE: Change the voice to passive  “are present”
20
PLURAL – PLURAL AGREEMENT: “their relationships get”
21
WRONG WORD FORM:  “strengthened”.
22
WRONG COLLOCATION:  “Indians” or “Indian people”.
23
ARTICLE UNNECESSARY: time is uncountable, so it is just “imperative time”
24
DEFINITE ARTICLE: “the imperative time”
25
WRONG PREPOSITON: “at the imperative time of”
26
DEFAULT PLURAL:  “sets”.
27
DEFINITE ARTICLE:  “the same programmes”
28
PUNCTUATION: comma missing  “programmes, which”
29
REPETITION:  Present diverse vocabulary to display your prowess at lexical resource.  “events”.
30
PUNCTUATION: comma missing  “programmes, which”
31
VOICE: Change it to active voice  “can cause”
32
PREPOSITION UNNECESSARY:  remove the preposition
33
DEFAULT PLURAL:  “discussions”
34
MISSING COHESION:  “and ultimately”.
35
DOUBLE VERB: “was’ not needed because “revealed” is used as the main verb.
36
WRONG WORD FORM: ”University of California”
37
DEFAULT PLURAL:  “conversations”
38
UNNECESSARY PREPOSITION:  remove “by”.
39
INCOMPLETE EXPRESSION:  “mobile phones” “smartphones”
40
MISSING PREPOSITION:  “listening to”
41
MISSING ARTICLE: “the severe coronavirus epidemic news”
42
WORD MISSING:  “quarantine period”.
43
CLARITIY: replace with “for”
44
REPETITION:  Present diverse vocabulary to display your prowess at lexical resource.  “this article”.
45
WRONG CHOICE OF WORD:  “build”
46
DEFAULT PLURAL:  “groups”, “companies” “fellowships”.
47
WRONG COLLOCATION: “same age group member”
48
WRONG CHOICE OF WORD:  “obtains”