Attachment Styles

101
The Peaceful Mother - Emilie Delworth
 Welcome!
I'm Emilie, Parenting Coach
I offer Peaceful Parenting coaching for mothers of
young children who wish to break the cycles that
left them wounded, but don't know how. I share
information and tips for better understanding and
managing children's behavior, as well as guide
mothers through the inner work needed for them to
respond to their children as the mothers they
aspire to be.

I've created this guide to Attachment Styles for a few

reasons. First, to help you identify the attachment style you
may have had with your primary caregiver as a child.
Learning about our own attachment style can help us
tremendously in understanding why we’re prone to certain
emotional triggers, the false beliefs we may hold that relate
to those emotions, and why we react in the ways that we do.
Secondly, to help you identify the attachment style your child
may have with you, and to teach you how you can secure your
child's attachment to you, if you suspect they may have an
insecure attachment.
I hope this guide is helpful for you!
 Intro to Attachment Theory
Attachment theory proposes that the emotional bond an infant forms to their
primary caregiver (typically their mother) directly affects their development and
long term outcome. It also proposes that the behaviors an infant typically exhibits
when separated from their caregiver, like crying, is driven by a survival instinct,
because without their caregiver, the infant would quite literally die. So an infant
or child will do anything they must in order to preserve their attachment to their
caregiver, shaping the way they develop. They have identified 4 Categories, or
Styles of attachment that an infant or child develops to their caregiver, which
shapes the style of attachment that individual exhibits in their relationships
throughout their life.

The 4 Childhood Attachment Styles

Secure Ambivalent
This is the one healthy Also Known As:
attachment style Preoccupied, or anxious-
ambivalent in children.

Avoidant Disorganized
Also Known As: Also Known As:
Dismissive, or anxious- Fearful-avoidant in children
avoidant in children

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 Secure Attachment
A secure attachment is considered to be the only healthy attachment
style. Securely attached children tend to become visibly upset when their
caregivers leave and are happy when they return. These children will seek
comfort from their caregiver when frightened or scared. Securely
attached children readily accept contact initiated by their caregiver,
and they greet the return of their primary caregivers with positive
behavior. While these children can be comforted to some extent by other
people in the absence of their caregiver, they clearly prefer their
primary caregiver to strangers. Securely attached children feel loved,
secure, and confident. These children often explore the world freely while
feeling confident that care and support will be available if they return to
their "secure base" or "safe haven", meaning their primary caregiver/s.
They are also more emotionally self-regulated compared to those with
insecure attachment styles

As Children
Separates from caregiver
Seeks comfort from
caregiver when frightened
Greets return of caregiver
w/positive emotions
Prefers primary caregivers
to strangers
As Adults
Has trusting, lasting
relationships
Tends to have good self-
esteem
Shares feelings w/partners
and friends
Seeks out social support

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 Secure Attachment - As an
Adult

As adults, those who are securely attached tend to have stable,

trusting, long-term relationships. They form an emotional
connection and expect the partner to be emotionally available
and responsive. Secure adults interact with people in positive
ways and feel comfortable in relationships. Their security is also
positively correlated with their relationship satisfaction.

When surveyed, securely attached adults identified themselves

as low in anxiety and avoidance. They have a positive view of
themselves and the world. They feel secure and self-confident.
Secure adults are comfortable with closeness in important adult
romantic relationships. When they are distressed, they seek
support from others and cope with stress constructively. They
also tend to feel comfortable sharing their feelings with others.

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 Ambivalent Attachment
Ambivalently attached children tend to be extremely suspicious of
strangers. These children display considerable distress when separated
from their primary caregiver, but do not seem reassured or comforted
by their caregiver's return. In some cases, the child may even passively
reject their caregiver by refusing comfort, or may openly display direct
aggression toward their caregiver. Their doubt regarding the
availability of an attachment figure leads to the development of doubt
regarding the behaviors of others in future relationships. They seek
intimacy but at the same time feel unsure about other people’s
willingness to be close to them. Feeling unlovable is a common
characteristic of these children. As they grow older, teachers often
describe them as clingy and over-dependent.

As Children As Adults
May be wary of strangers Reluctant to become close
Becomes greatly to others
distressed when primary Worries that their partner
caregivers leave doesn't love them
Does not appear Becomes very distraught
comforted when caregivers when relationships end
return

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Ambivalent Attachment - As
an Adult

As adults, this style of attachment is most commonly referred

to as Anxious Attachment. Anxiously attached adults tend
to be entangled in still-intense worries and conflicted feelings
about their primary caregivers. They can easily retrieve
memories about the relationship, but have trouble coherently
discussing them without anger or anxiety.

Anxious adults tend to have a strong need for closeness with

others, yet often feel reluctant about becoming close to others,
and worry that their partner does not reciprocate their
feelings. This leads to frequent breakups, often because the
relationship feels cold and distant. These individuals feel
especially distraught after the end of a relationship.

Anxious adults often report high anxiety and low avoidance. They
have a negative self-image, despite a positive world view.
Researchers also found a pathological pattern where anxiously
attached adults cling to young children as a source of security.

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 Avoidant Attachment
Children with an avoidant attachment style tend to avoid their
caregivers. This avoidance often becomes especially pronounced
after a period of absence. These children might not reject attention
from their caregiver, but they also don't seek out comfort or
contact. These children show no preference between their primary
caregiver/s and a complete stranger. Avoidant children also tend to
see others as uniformly cold, rejecting, or manipulative. They feel
insecure in relationships. They are avoidant and maintain an
emotional distance to protect themselves. They use deactivation as
their coping strategy.

As Children As Adults
May avoid primary May have problems with
caregiver/s intimacy
Does not seek much Invests little emotion in social
contact or comfort from and romantic relationships
caregivers Unwilling or unable to share
Shows little or no thoughts or feelings with
preference for primary others
caregiver/s over strangers

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 Avoidant Attachment - As
an Adult
An Avoidant style in adulthood is characterized by low anxiety
and high avoidance. As adults, individuals with an avoidant
attachment style tend to have difficulty with intimacy and close
relationships. These adults do not invest much emotion in
relationships and experience little distress when a relationship
ends. They often avoid intimacy by using excuses, or may
fantasize about other people during sex. These adults also tend
to be more accepting and likely to engage in casual sex. The also
commonly fail to support their partners during stressful times
and have an inability to share their feelings, thoughts, and
emotions with their partners.

Avoidant adults tend to lack security, show compulsive self-

reliance, often being ultra independent, and they prefer
emotional distance from others. Some even believe they can
become completely emotionally self-sufficient, living their lives
without the support of loved ones, or their community. They may
also appear hostile and show antisocial (meaning sociopathic)
behavior toward others.​
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 Disorganized Attachment
Infants with a disorganized attachment style typically present with
awkward behavior during separation and reunion episodes. They
fluctuate between signs of anxiety and avoidance. Children with a
disorganized style also show a lack of clear attachment behavior. Their
responses to caregivers are often a mix of behaviors, including
avoidance or resistance. These children are described as displaying
dazed behavior, sometimes seeming either confused or apprehensive in
the presence of their primary caregiver/s.

Around the age of 6, these children may start showing signs of

parentification, taking on the care of their caregiver and/or siblings.

As Children
Younger children show a
mixture of avoidant &
resistant behavior
May seem dazed, confused,
or apprehensive
Older children may take on
a parental role
Some children may act as a
caregiver toward their
primary caregiver.
As Adults
Known as Fearful
Attachment Style
Experiences high anxiety
Experiences high tendencies
for avoidance
Shows indications of
unresolved trauma

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How Parenting Fosters Each
Style

Secure Attachment
Secure attachment style forms when the caretaker is often nearby,
accessible and attentive to the child’s needs. The caregiver is
emotionally available in times of need and more quickly responsive
to the infant or child's connection-seeking behavior compared to
the caregivers of insecurely attached children. Caregivers of
securely attached children tend to play more with their children, and
also tend to have an authoritative parenting style, which is
considered the best parenting style (learn more in my Free Guide to
The 4 Parenting Styles), and is highly correlated with secure
attachment type in the child.

Ambivalent Attachment
An ambivalent attachment style is correlated with low maternal
availability, or in other words, emotionally and/or physically
unavailable primary caregivers. Caregivers who respond
inconsistently, or who interfere with a child's activities, tend to
produce infants and children who explore less, cry more, and are
more anxious
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 Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment forms when the primary caregiver rejects the
infant or child's connection-seeking behaviors. These caregivers
tend to be emotionally rigid and get angry at their infants or young
children. When these caregivers consistently reject or ignore their
infant or child's needs, it tends to result in the production of children
who try to avoid contact.

Disorganized Attachment
A disorganized attachment style is likely due to primary caregivers
who are inconsistent in their behavior towards their children. These
caregivers show a pattern of behaviors that are disorganized,
unpredictable, discomforting, and frightening. It's also believed that
caregivers who act as figures of both fear and reassurance to a
child contribute to a disorganized attachment style. Because the
child feels both comforted and frightened by their caregiver,
confusion results. This may be a result of more authoritarian
parenting styles, or abusive dynamics. Caregivers who engage in
these inconsistent behaviors are more likely to suffer from
childhood trauma and unresolved losses of their own.

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 More on Parenting's Role
Caregivers' attachment styles greatly influence their parenting,
which then dictates their children’s attachment styles. A caregiver
with an insecure attachment style that involves avoidance or anxiety
is more likely to show less sensitivity, support, and responsiveness,
resulting in an insecure attachment for their child​. Securely
attached parents are more likely to raise secure children whereas
insecure parents tend to parent in a way that leaves their children
with insecure attachments​. Basically, attachment styles are largely
transgenerational.

The Good News

The great news is that a child’s attachment bond isn’t set in stone, so
even if potential signs of an insecure attachment are being seen in an
infant or child, efforts made by their caregiver to make that child feel
more safe, secure, understood and regulated can secure their insecure
attachment bond. This is true for a child of any age, whether they’re 2, 12
or even older. The brain continues developing until our mid-20s, and stays
elastic and ever changing for the duration of our entire lives, which
means that it’s never too late to start engaging in a more supportive
emotional exchange with a child. The other piece of good news is that

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caregivers don’t have to be perfect at being emotionally available to
their children. No one can be perfectly attuned at all times, and everyone
reaches their limit eventually. Fortunately, research shows us that
ruptures to the attachment aren’t just okay, they can actually be quite
valuable when caregivers learn to repair those ruptures, whether big or
small, by reconnecting with, and reassuring the child that they’re still
safe, secure and understood.

How to Repair Ruptures to

Your Child's Attachment Bond
to You
The amazing thing about the attachment bond an infant forms with
their primary caregiver is that it has little to do with how well loved
or cared for the infant is, and far more to do with the nonverbal
emotional communication that is developed between the infant and
their primary caregiver. Nonverbal communication consists of facial
expressions, gestures, posture, touch, tone of voice, and the even
the pacing, timing and intensity of one’s speech, movement or
expressions. These subtle forms of communication have the power
to make an infant or child either feel safe, secure, understood and
regulated, or not. One way that this is accomplished, or not, is
through "Attunement", which is essentially the practice of showing
compassion and empathy for the child AND yourself when faced
with challenging emotions and situations.
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So let's unpack all of that a bit more.

So, if you suspect that your child may have an insecure attachment to
you, the key to repairing the ruptures in their attachment is to focus on
you're communicating to your child, nonverbally. Ultimately, you want to
be ready to engage in the healing work that you need in order to
address whatever issues you recognize may be getting in the way of
your child's feelings of safety and security.

Grab a journal and start listing what you notice about your energy,
attitude, mindset, and nonverbal communication. Are you distracted?
Emotionally numb or cold? Are you chronically stressed and
overwhelmed? Are you chronically angry and short? Is your mind stuck in
a victim mentality? Do you roll your eyes when your child cries? Do you tell
your child they're okay and disregard their upset feelings when they fall?
Examine each nonverbal communication tactic I mentioned previously
and notice any patterns in your behaviors and responses.

Once you begin to notice the patterns that may be contributing to your
child's feelings of lack of safety, security and understanding, slowly begin
shifting your behaviors and responses. Awareness brings the opportunity
to change your behavior, in time. If you notice that you just rolled your
eyes and scoffed when your child cried over a minor fall, you can soften
your facial expressions, pick your child up and express sympathy for their
scary/frustrating/surprising/painful fall. Which leads me to
attunement...

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 Attunement
Let me give you a couple of examples of what attunement might look like
for you.

Let's say you’re at the playground with your 4 year old when you get a
call you've been waiting for from the doctor's office, regarding some lab
work you had done. As you step aside from your child to answer the call,
they start whining, “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!”

Option 1: You firmly state, “Mommy needs to talk on the phone for a
minute, I’ll be right back.” - This disregards your child's need for
connection or entertainment at the time.
Option 2: You let the phone call go to voicemail and give your child your
undivided attention. - This disregards your own needs around getting the
results and easing the stress you've felt in waiting for them.
Option 3: You answer the call, then put it on hold while you spend 30
seconds suggesting a fun activity for your child, and explain that you will
join them after your phone call. - This shows your child that you recognize
their needs and will meet them, while not ignoring your own needs. This is
attunement.

Now let's say your 2 year old is having a play date. They're happily playing
with a toy train when the other child abruptly grabs the toy from their
hands and toddles off. Your child screams and begins to cry.

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Option 1: You tell your child, "No screaming" and clearly annoyed, lecture
your child on their need to share the toys. - This disregards your child's
feelings, and makes them feel unsupported and likely unsafe in feeling
their emotions.
Option 2: You smile wide and in a high pitched, chipper voice say, "Ohhh
it's okay, look here's another train to play with! Look, how fun!" - Again,
this disregards your child's feelings and makes them confused about
their own emotions, leading them to distrust their own emotions. Their
unconscious mental programming goes something like, "Mommy is happy,
even though I thought I was sad. Mommy is my guide, so I guess I'm not
sad, I must be, or need to be happy about this."
Option 3: You give a sympathetic expression, offer your child a
comforting hug and say, "aww you were playing with that and s/he took it
from you. That must be so disappointing. I feel sad when things get taken
away from me, too." - This mirrors their emotion back to them, and mixed
with your validating statements, this validates for them that their
feelings are accurate and safe. This is attunement.

Connecting with your child

Repairing any rupture to a child’s attachment bond, whether a tiny,
momentary rupture, or a big rupture that’s grown over time, comes
down to connection. Children NEED connection from their caregiver even
more so than adult humans need connection to others for optimal health.
Connection looks different for each child and caregiver, but here’s a few
tips to get you started.
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iGaze into your child's eyes, if they're open to it. Eye gazing builds
intimacy and trust. Only do this with your child’s consent!

Cuddle them - offer them hugs, massages or soft touches, if they're

open to it. Child consent is an absolute must here!

Play with your child! Show interest and enthusiasm for whatever their
favorite toys or activities are, even if play, or that particular activity
isn't very fun for you. Many caregivers find it challenging to get into play,
but we can find the joy in it through our child's love for it. And don’t be
afraid to get silly! Silliness and play is how your child learns, processes
the world, and connects.

Last, but not least, work on getting more and more consistent in
communicating calm, regulated, supportive, safe energy through your
nonverbal communication tactics. Getting as consistent as is humanly
possible is so important for children. This is really where that inner
growth and healing comes in.

Progress, not perfection

Remember, we're not aiming for perfection. We're all human, which
means that none of us can be perfectly regulated all of the time. We
can't possibly respond in the exact way our child needed every single
time. Sometimes stress does get the better of us. Some days we're

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exhausted and struggling. Some moments we're stuck up in our head, not
as present with our family as we'd like to be. All of this is okay. In fact,
modeling what it looks like to be imperfectly human is super important
for your child. The key is to strive for your best each day. Some days, our
best is way better than others, and some days our best just isn't that
amazing. It's okay for your child to see you experience challenging
emotions, but they need to see you regulate yourself as much as
possible, and they need those hard moments to be fewer than the
positive, connection-focused moments. Ultimately, the goal is personal
growth and healing, becoming, and/or maintaining the best version of
yourself that you can be. Remember, your child also needs you to model
self-compassion, too, because someday they're going to have a hard
day, or struggle through a rough season of life, or make a big mistake,
and they're going to need to know how to give themselves grace.

You've got this, mama! I wish you all the best on your journey of healing
and growth.

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