Zoo Weekly June 1 2015 Au Repost8235 2

CURVY!
THE
ZOO Awards BIG-BONED!
MG’s Origin
HITS and
MEMORIES!
X:
THE ROCK TALKS SE
“It’d
It’d be the best
60 seconds
of her life!”
”
t he mos t Huge
Hollywoood!
IN
Find out how the Goldie’s

Rosanna Arkle is killing it in the US
PHONE
APPS
e!
>Sex! >Drugs! >Violea!nc
>GambLing! >Yog
PP100008801
 New Assassin’s C
Creed
d  Meet Oz’s own
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4  FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOWEEKLYOZ
ZOO
Singe
benefits
South African duo break their own
record for riding through a tunnel of
fire. Talk about being in the hot seat!
Enrico Schoeman death if anything went
and André De Kock wrong. The bike did swerve
travelled 103.09m through inside the 120.4m tunnel
a blazing tunnel in 2012, and full of super-hot air, but
decided to beat that record Schoeman steadied it so
at the Rhino Rally in Seth both men finished toasty,
Effrica, risking possible unhurt and victorious.
HIS
DON’T TRY TO
AT A SERV !
PICTURE: GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS
 INSTAGRAM.COM/ZOOWEEKLYDIGITAL 5
Off with
his head!
Imagine if your cat
brought this in one
day! A spotted hyena at
South Africa’s Kruger
National Park shows off
to his mates with a lion’s
head. He seems pretty
pleased with himself.
The lion, not so much.
I’m having an
out-of-body
experience
ZOO
Look! Up
in the sky!
Three-time
Indy 500 winner
Helio Castroneves
had a specco bingle in
practice for the famous
open-wheeler race,
with a crash and flip
that killed his chassis.
He was uninjured, but.
NEW GAME
OF THRONES
SCENE?
PICTURES: AAP, AUSTRALSCOPE
 INTHEZOO.COM.AU 7
ZOO
Dirty
pool
If there’s a woman who’s better at breaststroke
than Rosanna Arkle, we haven’t met her
g
’day Rosanna.
What have you
been up to?
Some other
girls and
I went over to
America with
a company
called
BabeMethod, and
went to Vegas and
Rosanna’s misspelt
billboard on Sunset LA and did fun activities
Boulevard in LA like indoor skydiving.
Did you actually get
paid to do that?
They get hot girls
together and we do
nightclub appearances
and promotional work
like skydiving, going to
a gun range, driving
Ferraris, and they pay
for all our expenses.
Because the people who
run it are American, we
can’t be paid in cash, so
they pick up the tab.
We’ve heard that the
Vegas nightclubs are
on a whole new level…
Oh my god, I can’t even
go out nightclubbing
here anymore! Over
there they really
celebrate when
someone buys a bottle.
They’ve got girls
twerking — on stilts!
— and they bring your
bottle out with fireworks
coming out of it.
We’re guessing this
isn’t for a $5.60 bottle
of Budweiser.
[Laughs] No, you’d have
to buy a $4000 bottle
of vodka or something.
What’s your standout
PHOTOGRAPHY: ANDREW FINLAYSON/BAUER MEDIA SYNDICATION; HAIR, MAKE-UP, STYLING: DANA CASE
memory from the trip?

I thought I’d like
shooting the guns, but
I hated it. I handed mine
back early! The first one
I shot was a handgun
and I felt like I needed
more arm muscles
because the recoil drove
it straight back to my
face. The second was a
machine gun and I swear
I had a bruise on my
shoulder from firing that.
Was the skydiving
more fun?
Oh yeah. The instructor
takes you out one by
one and he can adjust
the pressure, take you
right up to the roof and
ZOO
Rosanna
Arkle
GET THE APP!
spin you around. You
can do tricks, like flips,
but you’ve got to have
a bit of skill. And it’s hard
not to laugh when the
wind’s in your face and
you look ridiculous!
We’ve run a shot of you
on a billboard on Sunset
Boulevard in LA. How’d
that come about?
Through Maneater
swimwear. They have
a contract with 138
Water, who needed
images, and they liked
the ones I did on a shoot
here in Australia.
Pity they couldn’t
spell your name right.
[Laughs] I was so upset
about that!
Did you see it in person?
No, but I’m going back
in June, so hopefully
it’s still there.
Have you had a lot of
people comment on it?
I’ve had emails from
film producers to be in
movies, but then I have
to tell them I’m based
in Australia. That’s
happened since the
billboard went up.
Sounds like you could
try moving there and
have a crack at the
film industry.
I’ve thought about it
but I’ve got two dogs…
Ah. And you don’t want
to do a Johnny Depp
and just smuggle them
into the country.
[Laughs] That’s right.
ZOO
Rosanna
Arkle
ZOO
Rosanna
Arkle
news
ZOO
 THE ROCK  MILE-HIGH SEX TIPS  CHUTE-LE
AUSTRALIA’S
Hugh Hefner!
Mansions, Ferraris, stunners on tap — former
AFL player Travers Beynon is living the dream
Tobacco, which has 219 stores with a similar hysteria to Willy
across Australia. He’s rich and Wonka and the Chocolate One invitee told the Gold
clearly doesn’t give a stuff Factory for children”. We’re Coast Bulletin: “When I walked
about what anyone thinks, guessing the kind of treats in there was a chick on a crane
cleverly using social media to sucked on there wouldn’t be hanging upside down doing
sidestep Australia’s ban on suitable for kids, though. circus acts… we were just
tobacco advertising. After being drafted by the laughing because he has
One shot of him relaxing North Melbourne footy club permanent smoke machines
on a luxury couch while aged 16, he played no games and laser lights on his walls
swimsuit stunners do the for either the Kangaroos or and there were lots of
housework was captioned: “It his next destination, the strippers, girls with fake boobs
hurts my feelings when people Brisbane Bears, due to a and midgets walking around
Even a pantsman as say I am a sexist.” Have a quick chronic back injury. in Roman costumes.”
successful as Shane look at his account and you’ll After working in the States Asked to describe himself,
Warne is probably jealous see photo after photo of him as a model, he returned Down the 34-year-old said he’s “a
of Travers Beynon, who is living every bloke’s wet dream. Under and started work at cross between the Great
surrounded by bikini-clad “The Candyman” says he FreeChoice, obviously doing Gatsby, Hugh Hefner, the
hotties 24/7, if his Instagram had the idea for his Gold Coast pretty well for himself. Wolf of Wall Street and Tony
is any guide. babe mansion 20 years ago, Travers’s parties sound like Stark”. And looking at the
Benyon is managing envisaging it as a “Disneyland they’re more fun than a one- photos on these pages, it’s
director of FreeChoice adults could enjoy coupled night stand with Kate Upton. pretty hard to argue with that.
ZOO MODEL
TASHA
MACKENZIE!
PICTURES: XXXXX
IN THE
ZOO
DWAYNE
WITH
“THE ROCK”
JOHNSON The w walking condom full of walnuts chats to ZOO
killingg his daughter’s
g
OO about surviving earthqqquakes,
boyfriends, cheat foods and his bedroom skills....
G
’d
’day, Dwayne. f the very ffirst
the movie for We were very
W y fortu
tunate
H
How was the h l
time last h and
night d I was b
because it was a smamalllll
San Andreas
S e ll bl
really blown away. e h
earthquake k but
b I know
k w
shoot? Did you do most of your people who’ve
who ve been
It was a great experience. We own stunts? through big ones and it’s
were in Australia, shooting Yeah, I pretty much did a terrifying experience.
there at Village Roadshow everything. Everything was After all your action movies,
[Gold Coast]. They have the shot in-camera, so the only would you hero it up if there
biggest tank built in all of time that we used visual was a big quake?
Australia, one of the biggest effects is the effect shots Not quite to the extent
in the world, second behind to augment and extend a I do in the movie.
the one in Mexico, I believe. shot. We built a five-storey Has anything happened to
Were you impressed building, submerged it in you in real life that was so
with the final result? this tank and it was really scary you had to keep
I’ve never made a movie in incredible. So I was able to telling yourself “it’s not
this genre where it’s a natural do all my own stunts. You a movie this time”?
disaster film. So the anxiety want to immerse the audience Yeah, when I was a teenager
is heightened every day and not do a lot of cutaways, getting arrested all the time.
because of the content. Brad and I was crazy enough to That wasn’t a good time.
Peyton, our director, really do all that stuff. Does it change your
stepped up to the plate of Ever been in an earthquake approach to acting knowing
immersing an audience into when you’ve been in LA? the film’s going to be 3D?
a captivating scenario. I saw Yeah, it’s scary. It’s terrifying. That’s a great question
The Rock’s character ,

Chief Ray Gaines, helps
his ex-wife (Carla
Gugino) to safety GET THE APP!
PICTURES: BRIAN BOWEN SMITH
ZOO
E” “MAKING LOVE TO
THE ROCK
WOULD BE THE BEST
60 SECONDS
N OF A GIRL’S LIFE!”
b
m
m
because y you u always
l y want to
make sure iff you’re going to
make k a movie and
tthat it’s not b
d you know
being made for
k w
o
f 3
3D
I went to school here
and I’ve been here ever
since. I just love Miami; the
flavour, the culture. But when
th
then you’re g going to convert it gets too crazy and busy I live
iit. That’s diffe ffe
erent, you live inn a little bit more up north. We
th
the scenes. Wh When you make
W ke have a property about an
a movie llike k S San Andreas
d hour away where it’s quiet.
wh
where scope e andd depth
d h is It’s a horse community
sso importantt when h a tsunam mi with ranches and farms.
hhits here, a building
b falls down You seem pretty ageless
th
there — elem l ments based these days and you just
aaround d 3D — it changes keep looking fitter.
yyour perspec ctive in terms What’s your secret?
of performan
f nce because You’ve got to exfoliate your
yyou have to be aware of skin. That’s important. Some
wh
where you’re e at in relation guys don’t know what I’m
tto theh 3D sho hooting. talking about. Tequila is
Um... OK. Yeah. Y You’re also very important.
i to save
trying s your For your body?
d
daughter h r in the movie. Not on your body
Whath wo ould you do to — in your body!
k
keep you ur daughter There are always fitness
safef in re eal life? fads. Do you change things
Everythi h ng and anything. up in your routines or stick
Anythin ng we’d all do for to what you know?
l ed ones.
our love I’m always open to change,
What ab bout from but in terms of exercise I just
f nds?
boyfrien keep it basic. You can’t go
Well, it’ss not a matter of wrong with the basics.
keeping g her safe from What’s your go-to junk food
f nds — it’s a matter
boyfrien when you’re cheating?
off me killing them! Oh man, I like pizza. I’m a pizza
So, so ounds like no guy. Down where I live there’s
roma ance for your a lot of great mom-and-pop
d ghter. Ever.
daug pizza places and those are
Wha hat’s your ideal always the best ones.
roma antic day? Do you backslide much?
A beau utiful dinner, a Depends how strict I am.
bottle off wine, amazing Right now I’m preparing for
f
food, ama azing company. I’d a role — I’m doing an action
b k out my guitar, I’d play,
break comedy with Kevin Hart
d sing. Th
I’d hen we’d make where I play a CIA operative.
sweet lov l e — it’d be the I’m leaning up a little bit so
b
best 60 se econds of her life, I’m a bit more strict in my diet.
PICTURES: XXXXX
and d then
h we e’d go to bed.
h lucky,
That l k llucky woman. San Andreas is
How’s life f in n Miami? in cinemas May 28
news
Five
reasons
the new
Assassin’s
Creed
WILL
ROCK!
How Syndicate
takes the
franchise
to places it’s
never been…
A NEW ERA
Set during the Industrial
Revolution of Victorian
London, 1868, your born-
and-bred assassin is Jacob
Frye, a brash and reckless
leader of common poor folk.
He’s part of a gang (or
syndicate) who are being
oppressed by the rich and
powerful. If you don’t wanna
look at a bloke’s pixelated
arse all day, you can also play
as Evie, Jacob’s sis.
IMPROVED WEAPONS
Forget the sluggish rifles of brutal finishers. For close
previous games, the classic quarters, when a punch to
six-shooter revolver is now here the face isn’t enough, brass
and is used for distance kills or knuckles will knock ’em cold.
That’s not
a kni...
GANG WARFARE
Your new throat-slicer is
the kukri, a traditional
Nepalese weapon. This
curved blade cuts through
flesh and bone with ease.
Use it for stealthy strikes or
public beatdowns, where
the surviving gang gains
control of the area. The more
territories you capture, the
more power you have.
GANGSTA
ASSASSINS! I must go, my
people need me
NEW GADGETS
Your new Assassin Gauntlet
has enough hidden gizmos
to put Batman to shame. It
fires hidden hallucinogenic
darts into targets, making
them go berserk and attack
anyone near them. It also has
Batman’s rope launcher for
zip-lining tall heights or
gliding across wide gaps.
Naturally, the hidden blade
GET THE APP! is packed in there, too.
SERIOUS HORSEPOWER!
Like GTA for your great, great streets, and you can hijack them
grandpa, old-school vehicles and hoon about like a madman,
are in. A variety of ye olde horse breaking every law in the book.
carts and carriages roam the There are locomotives, as well.
We’re racing for

pink slips, right?
news
How to jo
the MILE-
HIGH CLU
Return your seat to the upright possition
and listen to these in-flight instructtions…
…
GET AN UPGRADE
This is going to be a lot easier if your chances of getting an
you’ve got a bit of room instead upgrade by pretending to be
of being lumped into the slave newlyweds at check-in. That
galley that is economy class. means pretending that you’re
You and the missus can increase in love, by the way.
MORE SEATS =
MORE CHANCE
OF SEX
If you’re lucky enough to
be on a flight without many
passengers, you can stretch
PICTURES: THINKSTOCK, BAUER MEDIA SYNDICATION
out over a few seats and

have a go. You can give
yourself more chance of
being on a near-empty plane
by picking a red-eye or late-
night flight. Also, if there’s a
big event on — say, the AFL
grand final — lots of planes
will be coming into town full
and leaving near-empty, so
check your calendar and
plan well in advance.
GET SOCIALLY LUBRICATED BLANKETS ARE
If either one of you is likely punted by ground staff for YOUR FRIENDS
to chicken out, get the Dutch trying to get on the plane with Even if you’re able to
courage going by having a few spew on your shirt). Also, have stretch out or lay down,
sneaky drinks before you board a decent crack at the drinks you’ll need to obscure what
(but not so many that you get trolley once you’re in the air. you’re doing, so ask for extra
blankets at the start of the
flight, then use them to hide
the fact that you’re trying to
exercise the ferret at 40,000
feet. Pro tip: do NOT ask the
stewardess for condoms
and lube as well.
AISLE BE BACK!
Make sure at least one of
you is in an aisle seat if you’re
seated together, as you’re
far less conspicuous when
you go to the bathroom for
sex. If you’re really serious
TRAYS: THEY’RE
about this, you could split NOT JUST FOR
up and both get aisle seats FOOD
away from each other.
Like we said, blankets are
good for covering up what’s
going on, but so are the
fold-out tray tables —
at least if your version of
joining the mile-high club
involves receiving a hand
shandy. Just make sure she’s
not rhythmically bashing
her hand into it if she’s
burping your worm.
TIME ISN’T
ON YOUR SIDE
Pick a time when there’s
not likely to be a big queue
for the bathroom. That
means avoiding having a
stratospheric shag just after
take-off, just before landing,
and just after a meal’s been
served. And speaking of
time, always remember
that you’re on the clock.
The less time you spend
“gefloogling her
geshnorgen”, as Quagmire
would put it, the less chance
you have of getting busted.
So this is one of the very
rare times when your missus
will actually want you to
make it quick. Hear that,
premature ejaculators?
You’re finally useful!
DRIVEBY
THE HO
HOT
TTTE
ESST NE
NEWW WH
HEE
EELS
LS EVE
VERY
RY WE
EE
EK
EK
Gone in
1.73 SECONDS!
That’s how long it’ll take Peugeot’s Vision Gran
Turismo to crack 100kmh if they make it for real
ZOO’s dream to crawl
inside a video game and
live there took a giant leap
forward with Peugeot’s tribute
to Gran Turismo. Their Vision
GT supercar is just 104cm tall,
but is far from a small package.
With a 652kW 3.2L V6 engine,
it can accelerate from
0-100kmh in 1.73 seconds,
which even beats an F1 car.
That’s down to its 1:1 power-to-
weight ratio and an exterior
blissfully absent of clutter,
such as door handles. “The
body design alone is enough
to effectively stick the car to
the road,” says Peugeot.
The overall look’s a
little competition, a little
production and a lot low-
riding banger. The tiny LED
headlights will probably
illuminate about as much
scenery as a matchstick, but
when a car is this beautiful,
who gives a rat’s?
news
GET THE APP!
FASTER THA NA
R!
FORMULA 1 CA
news
World’s first
no-parachute
skydive!
BASE jumper plans to fall
25,000 feet into a net so huge GET THE APP!
it can even contain his balls

Luke Aikins reckons has 16,000 sky dives behind
he can free-fall him. He’ll be jumping with no
7620m and land on a net chute or wingsuit on live TV for
just 30 metres square the stunt he’s calling “Heaven
without turning himself into Sent”, as opposed to “Large
mincemeat or bouncing Mistake” or “Don’t Let My Wife
back up to the moon. That’s Watch This”. If you can’t catch
some self-belief by the it on the idiot box, just keep an
skilled BASE jumper, who ear out for a very loud bang.
X MARKS
TH SPOT. BUT
E
WILL HE?
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news
BOTTLE OPENER
tooth implants!
Dental as
anything footy
players get a bar
tool installed in You should
their mouths see how I uncork
a wine bottle
Salta beer, sponsor
of the Rugby Union of
Argentina, got three players
— Johnathan Batiga, Pablo
Kwiczor, and Uriel Santiago
— to have 3D-printed bottle-
opener implants fitted to
replace already missing teeth
lost on the field of battle. A
Salta ad, including bloody
close-ups of the dental work,
shows the results in action,
and it only looks 92 per cent
painful. There’s no word on
whether the implants will
stuff up airport security, but
who cares when you can
crack a coldie like this for
the rest of your life?
GET THE APP!
SWEET
PARTY
TRICK!
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CE
SCARA RUNNING DOWN YOUR FA
GAGS SO GOOD YOU’LL HAVE MA
ZOO
HOW MANY
TEENAGERS tweet
DOES IT TAKE
TO SCREW
as!
IN A LIGHT ME: Who’s
BULB?
a good boy?
DOG: I just
WHATEVER… murdered
the cat.
JADE, VIA EMAIL ME: You are, yes you are
[rubs dog’s head].
DOG: You’re next, buddy.
● A young Scotsman moves
@BuckyIsotope
to New York. After a month,
his mum calls and asks how PRO TIP: Don’t
he finds the Americans. buy cheap
“Horrible,” he says. “They duct tape.
always yell and scream, and Your
basement
pound on the walls and
guests can chew right
stomp the floors.” through that.
“Oh my god! How do you @TheAlexNevil
cope?” she asks, worried.
“I just relax in bed and ME: So I...
keep playing my bagpipes,” was never
invisible?
he replies. JAIL DOCTOR:
ANDREW, VIA EMAIL No. That’s why
you’re in jail.
● When I told my friends I @eliyudin
was going to be a comedian,
they laughed at me. They’re Nanny Pacquiao My ex-
girlfriend
not laughing now. would always
LACHLAN, VIA EMAIL ● Why did the carpenter’s
wife leave him?
THEY SAY ask me to text
her when I got
● Four students arrive late Because he was screwing IF YOU PLAY in. That’s how small my
penis is.
to their final exam so they
can take it the next day.
around when he should have NICKELBACK @rhysjamesy
been nailing her.
They tell their professor TODD, VIA EMAIL BACKWARDS, MATHS:
they tried their best to come IT’S DEVIL Richard goes
on time, but their tyre blew ● I can’t help but think that out to buy
out and it took too long to fix. Will and Kate have missed WORSHIP. three pints of
BUT, EVEN
milk for his wife
The professor says, a trick with this name thing. with a £20 note and buys
WORSE,
“Don’t worry about it. You Elizabeth Paris Mercedes Peroni at £4.20 a pint. How
can take it today and, since would have been a nice much is a taxi to his mum’s?
there’s almost no time left, blend of modern and IF YOU PLAY IT @JCautomatic
you only have to answer one
question. If you get it right,
historical, while also being
the Cluedo answer for “What
FORWARDS, IT’S Dance as if
I’ll give you an A on the test.” happened to Granny”? NICKELBACK. nobody is

watching.
The students, thinking EMMA, VIA EMAIL NICK, VIA EMAIL Nobody is
this is even better than they watching.
You are alone. You are
thought, excitedly take ● Q: If the dove is the bird ● Light travels faster than
always alone. Stop dancing,
their seats and look at of peace, what’s the bird sound. This is why some you’re making it worse.
the question: “Which of true love? people appear bright until @TechnicallyRon
tyre blew out?” A: The swallow. you hear them speak.
WAYNE
WAYNE, VIA EMAIL ANDREW
ANDREW, VIA EMAIL KATIE VIA EMAIL
KATIE,
30
F /
JACQUES
RIPPER
the
ZOO’s stand-up comedian heckles life every week
WHY HOT CHICKS MAKE CRAP CASTAWAYS

If you’ve ever boarded a gonna be doing all the heavy as a Bunnings floor manager. and work that shaft. I
flight and played “If this plane lifting once you hit shore. You thought with your dick guarantee a boat will appear
crashes, who’s the other You’ll be getting your sexual when the plane started going before you even taste pre-
person I’d like to wash up on Blue Lagoon on with her, down and now your life sucks. cum. You board the vessel, kill
a deserted island with?”, which will be great, but Then there’s Option B: spot everyone who saw what you
then we need to talk game outside of those four minutes the dude on the flight covered did, then you head back to
theory. Most dudes would per day you’ll be doing all the in high-viz work wear, dried land. Destroy a Sizzler steak
instinctively pick the attractive tree-cutting, shelter-building paint and reading a ZOO mag and salad bar, sign the book
air hostess or the off-duty and coconut-busting. for everything but the articles. and movie deal over to
stripper headed to Townsville Obviously, she’ll be doing He’s the best option. The Warner Brothers, then live in
to visit her son. But the hottest her part: craft needs, shell handyman by day and wild a never-ending waterfall of
woman on the flight is actually necklaces, and I’m sure she’ll boar hunter by night. The women and money on an
the worst possible choice for draw a pretty “HELP” sign bogan Bear Grylls. If you both island you both own.
a deserted island... in the sand. I’m not saying stay focused on that dry-land Sounds glorious, doesn’t
You’ve gotta think long- woman can’t build stuff, survivor pussy, it should give it? And all you had to do was
term, and if she’s hot you’re but hot girls don’t pick up you the motivation to hit shore taste peen for a few minutes.
hammers, and it’s not like on and start building a Swiss
dry land where you can call in Family Robinson-style resort.
a tradie. So you’re setting There’s also an old maritime JACQUES’
ONCE YOU’RE BOTH traps, making spears and law I just made up which COCK IS ON
RIPPED FROM THE gutting animals. There’s no
dingers or morning-after pills
stipulates if you’re the sole
occupant of an island for six
Jaques’ Cock
TOM HANKS on deserted islands, either, so months, you become the

“WILSON” DIET, add midwife and doctor to owner of that island.
HEAD TO THE MOST

your resume, too. Once you’ve built some
Eventually you get found sweet digs, and you’re both I borrowed a girl’s phone
VISIBLE PART OF and return to the real world tanned and ripped from the and took over some Tinder
convos for her…
THE BEACH AND where New Idea magazine
forces you at vagina-point to
Tom Hanks “Wilson” diet,
head down to the most visible
START BLOWING marry her. Since you showed part of the beach, light a fire
UNSUSPECTING DUDE:
Would you rather be
EACH OTHER a real aptitude for DIY on the and start blowing each other. a sausage or an egg?
ME: An egg, because with
island,, you
y wait out your days I mean really cup those balls love, care and nurturing it
can hatch and grow into
something beautiful…
Save us! like a unicorn.
Please!
UNSUSPECTING DUDE:
Chicks are f**ked, eh.
ME: Your mum f**ked
donkeys for your lunch
money. Show some respect.
No! Just bring
more condoms!
UNSUSPECTING DUDE:
Do you like haggis?
THINKSTOCK
ME: Yeah, I love it. But

I also like the taste of Mel
XXXXX
Gibson’s decrepit, Jew-

CPICTURES:
hating ballsack, so maybe

PICTURES:
I’m the wrong person to ask.

PIC
 INSTAGRAM.COM/ZOOWEEKLYDIGITAL
• T H E•
NOW
Raise you
gla r
l sses of
full-fat m
il
salute th k and
super-sizese
champiio ed
ns
THE
APPETITE FOR
DESTRUCTION &
HAMBURGERS
AWARD
For a long time there,
Guns N’ Roses lead
singer Axl Rose was
a major worry. His
unhealthy rock ’n’ roll lifestyle,
with its Jack Daniel’s breakfasts,
left him looking dangerously
thin. So good on him for turning
his life around and eating solid
food for the first time in decades.
Even if all that food is deep-fried.
32
F /
ZOO
THE CRASH
DIETER OF THE
CENTURY
AWARD
Pommy hero and former
world’s fattest man Paul
Mason used to weigh
440kg. Now he’s lost a
staggering 285kg — equivalent to
BEFORE
one of Steven Seagal’s legs — and
he only has two problems: how to
get rid of all the excess skin he grew,
and how to gently let down all the
thousands of women who’ve no
doubt asked him to marry them.
THE ALL
ABOUT THAT
BASS AWARD
Mikkel Ruffinelli
of Los Angeles,
California, holds
the world record
for largest hips. She’s got a
circumference of eight feet
(243cm) and is very happy
with her body shape, as she
bloody well should be. And
so’s her husband of 10 years,
Reggie, who says, “I like to
tell people all the time, ‘I
have a licence to work
with heavy equipment.’”
THE TOO MUCH PET FOOD AWARD

Ever seen a dog so fat its fat his legs sank into his body and
owner took it for walkies left dimples. Above him is Meatball,
on a forklift? You have the world’s fattest cat at 16.3kg.
now. Dennis, a dachshund He’s singlehandedly responsible
from Ohio, USA, weighed 25.4kg for the overfishing of our oceans
before going on a diet. He was so to provide him with Snappy Tom.
• T H E•
THE WIDEN
THE PEARLY
GATES
AWARD
AWARDS!
Last year two
men who bravely
fought battles with
obesity passed
away. Manuel Uribe (top)
lived life to the full despite
being 560kg at his peak,
while Keith Martin, 445kg
at his heaviest, was lost to
us at age 44 despite having
radical surgery to remove
most of his stomach. Both
leave huge holes... in the
lives of all who knew them.
Thanks for
the Happy
Meal
THE EASY TO SEE AWARD

The phrase “She’s not Kerr of generously
big. There’s just more proportioned women is
of her to love” was breaking new ground in
invented for Tess women’s fashion, previously
Holliday, the world’s leading dominated by chicks who weigh
plus-size model. The Miranda as much as a can of Diet Coke.
PICTURES: THINKSTOCK, SNAPPER MEDIA, AUSTRALSCOPE, PICTURE MEDIA
THE MY BIG FAT SENSE

OF HUMOUR AWARD
We sincerely hope old these shirts and gets royalties. There
mate here, who hails from are so many obese people in the
the US, has a patent on States he’ll soon be richer than God.
ZOO
THE MONKEY
SEE, MONKEY
EAT AWARD
There’s a very
good reason you’re
not allowed to feed
the animals at the
zoo, and here it is. This poor
primate is now in desperate
need of a visit to Jenny Craig
— and possibly gastric band
THE DIGNIFIED surgery — after people
EXIT AWARD threw food into its enclosure

in the States. And by food
In August 2013 Khalid bin we mean deep-fried hot
Mohsen Shaari (above) dogs, chilli fries, and the
weighed 610kg and was entire Macca’s brekkie menu.
moved out of his home on
a forklift so he could get to hossie and
lose 317kg. They had to demolish part
of his joint to get him out. And this
year roads were closed and it took
12 emergency vehicles and a crane
to move 381kg Georgia Davis (right)
of Wales out of her place.
Life’s like a box

of chocolates...
delicious
THE
UNDISPUTED
HEAVYWEIGHT
CHAMP AWARD
Emmanuel Yarborough
is possibly the only MMA
fighter to win a bout by
falling on top of his man
and not moving. The world record
holder for heaviest living athlete
has topped 400kg and probably
has to be airlifted into the octagon
in a Hercules transport plane. The
PICTURES: XXXXX
huge Yank is so big he makes sumo

wrestlers look like action figures.
YOGA 4 DUDES
More fap than app, this
parody of fitness instructions
was likened to chicken
nuggets, not health food,
by the men behind it. It was
an excuse to show pictures
and videos of hot women
doing exercises straight out
of softcore porn, and it didn’t
get past the bouncers at
Apple’s App Store.
APPS I AM RICH
What did $US999.99 buy
the new owner of iPhone
app I Am Rich? This picture
of a red diamond on a black
background and the
promise you’d stay “rich,
successful and healthy”.
Someone will be rich, just
nott y
you. It sold
ld six
i copies in
i in
one da ay befo
efore
f re bei
be ng
ng pulle
ed.
e
iTHUG
This Chinese effort was
like Uber for standover men.
You could use the app to hire
a crim to hospitalise the
person of your choosing,
with a price scale that varied
according to how badly you
wanted them hurt. It was
downloaded more than
HAVE A LOOK AT WHAT IVAN MILAT WOULD DOWNLO

LOOAD 40,000 times before it
was pulled from sale.
FROM ITUNES & GOOGLE PLAY IF HE COULD…
ZOO
BUZZED ME SO HOLY!
Drunk drivers are a pack If you’ve ever wondered
of dickheads with shit for what you’d look like if you
brains who kill and maim were a priest, a nun or Jesus,
innocent people. So it’s this app let you upload your
no wonder this app, which face and find out. Sadly,
warned motorists where the some people take their
cops were running RBTs, got religion just a little bit too
canned soon after it was seriously and Me So Holy
launched. So did a similar got taken out the back and
effort called Tipsy. Good shot quicker than you can
riddance to them both. say “Blasphemy!”
TAWKKON PPHONE STORY

Some pe eople claim that J
Just 901 copies were
radiationn pumped out by sold before Apple realised
mobile pphones can be this gaming app about
dangero
d g ous. But the Tawkon c
corporate abuses in the
app, dessigned to measure m
manufacture of smartphones
radiationn, was banned by m
might be having a pop at
Apple’s
App bad-tempered them. Workers jump from
sociopat
p th Steve Jobs with the roof of a Chinese factory,
the
e word
o ds “no interest”. The much like how Apple
Apple-linked
linked
compan ny said the app could
c workers
w
wo
wor kers killed themselves.
themselves
panic
p annd confuse its ussers.
s Ban
B
Baanned
n ? You bet y
ne your arse.
HOBO HUNT
The digital degenerates
behind this piece of crap
should be hamstrung
and thrown to the sharks.
Synventus thought it’d be
funny to design an app letting
you snap pics of beggars
with crosshairs and post the
results online. The company
removed the app, claiming
they’d raised awareness.
This Steve
Handjobs app is
amazing!
PINPOINTS X
Data from an online casual sex just a few issues — no-one using
u g
PICTURES: XXXXX
bulletin board was posted on the service could be ID’d, and

a handy map so you could see h
hat
there were real concerns tha
whoever nearby you fancied a x
it’d lead to untraceable sex
quick and dirty root. There were n
neski.
trafficking. The result? Gon
ZOO
BABY SHAKER
Head-scratchingly evil.
“Players” had to shake their
phone violently to stop the
baby from crying... at which
point two red Xs appeared
over the bub’s eyes. The
coders behind this also
presumably sacrifice
puppies for fun, while
anyone who bought it took
RELAPSE
an express train to hell.
SWEARPORT What a marketing
Able to translate swears masterpiece... not!
into 70 different languages To celebrate the 2009 return
— and still available for of Marshall Mathers, aka
Android — Swearport fell Eminem, his label planned
foul of the Apple peeps, to release a game based on
who despite their funky ad the lyrics to his 3am song,
image, seem about as much showing a character going
fun as a night in a coffin. on a murderous, drug-
They banned it for offensive fuelled rampage in the early
content, the pack of hours of the morning.
absolute f**king dickheads.
That’s Serbian
for “go away”
SEND ME
TO HEAVEN
An app that encourages
users to throw their phones
as high in the air as possible
and records the best results
VIDEO STRIP POKER on a leader board? What
could go wrong? We can’t
Pretty much what it says on the decided it wasn’t suitable for its believe this one got the chop
box: every time you beat the App Store. And fair enough. when everyone who got the
computer, the model removes God knows you can’t find pics app would’ve needed to
a bit of clothing. Despite there of semi-clothed chicks by buy a new phone and make
being no nudity involved, Apple browsing the net on your phone. Apple and Samsung millions.
OBAMA
MY SHOE TRAMPOLINE
An Iraqi reporter threw his US pollies from prez Obama
shoes at presidential halfwit to Sarah Palin could be
George W. Bush in 2008 in a bounced around the Oval
gesture of scorn for the man Office using the Apple
who’d invaded his country accelerometer. This app was
on a lie. It wasn’t long before rejected by Apple because
developers turned it into a Bill Clinton’s character
game, but Apple banned it wasn’t wearing pants.
on the grounds it “ridicule[s] Despite the fact this is totally
public figures”. What else true to life, the ban on
can you do to that idiot? ridicule came into play.
DRIVER’S SWEATSHOP
LICENSE Based around you being the
owner of a sweatshop, and
The app let you print off a yet again hit by censorship
high-quality fake US licence. from Apple. You can use
It had been available for two kids on the conveyer belts to
years when an American make things — they’re cheap
senator called it a threat to but slower. As the owner,
UNDERWORLD:
“public safety and national you can also do things like
security” and it got canned, block fire escapes. Because
DRUG LORDS
despite the fact most people that’s never happened in
just used their fake ID to buy real life, right?
grog while underage.
underage
If you want to play this
game, where you buy and
uall fantasy
sell virtu f t y drugs
d
with oth hers, head to Playy
— Apple banned it, forcing g the
develop pers to replace
p all the
drugs w with candy. y So y
yeah,
they sw wapped one addictive
white powder
p for another..
DROONE
O STRIKE
TOO RUDE ALERT
ALERRT
FOR ZOO Handy for
too see
undecla
e
f anyone wanting
ee evidence of America’s
ec ared wars in countries
like
e Pakkistan and Yemen —
it wouldd send you an alert
updatin ng you when civilians
were killed. Yet the developer
had his app Drones+ rejected
five tim
mes by Apple for
varying
y g reasons. Renaming
it eventtually snuck it in.
PUFF
Nothin
h g to do with
marijua
j ana — blowing into
the miccrophone on your
handse et raised the skirt on
the mo odel, like the famous
iHOTTIEZ
shot off Marilyn Monroe, but
not with Marilyn Monroe.
Voyeur
y rism is a four-letter
PICTURES:THINKSTOCK
It’s a wonder this app

pp was ever Steve Jobs once spoke
sp of a word ono Planet Apple, and
XXXXX
approved — you can watch “moral responsibility” to keep the app

pp was banned in less
chicks strip, dance, and talk dirty porn off iPhones, so the axe fell time than it takes an angry
with them, providing “hot girls in on the party in your pants and feminisst to be offended by
PICTURES:
your pocket”. Apple co-founder the hot chicks danced no more. someth hing a man has done.
ZOO
H
IN THE
ZOO
ACID
THE
WITH
-TONGUED
PRINCE
Joel Creasey’s razor-sharp style is quickly making the Perth boy one of Oz’s biggest comedians
H ow do you
find touring
Australia
— does the
reception
vary from place to place?
I did have a bad experience
in Kalgoorlie once but
I generally love touring
regional places because
I love a baked good and
Don’t give her too much! She
hasn’t written any jokes!”
They can’t all enjoy your
acid tongue…
I had one friend who didn’t
like it and so, um, we’re not
in touch anymore. Out of
everyone I’ve mentioned,
that’s pretty good, I think?
Others are like, “When am
I going to be in your act?”
Absolutely. I’m a spirits man.
A Negroni is my favourite.
I’ll drink anything with
alcohol content.
You live in Melbourne
so there are plenty of
places to go, eh…
The more pretentious the
better and in Melbourne,
there’s so many baristas and
cocktail mixologists to laugh
I rolled my eyes when I heard
rumours he was going on
and made jokes to friends
about him, but it was one of
the very few times I’ll correct
myself about a celebrity —
he was a very lovely, smart,
amazing guy.
Did you lose heaps
of weight?
I lost 13 kilos. I’m like an
enjoy sleeping. Some people are not in my at. And they rode their bikes Olsen Twin now. I have trouble
keeping weight on — I’m one
of those people other people
get jealous of — but I would
13 KILOS
like to put on some weight.
I don’t want to look like a
13-year-old Russian gymnast.
Who are your biggest
“I LOST comic influences?
I love Kathy Griffin, and Joan
ON I’M A CELEBRITY GET ME

Rivers, who I got to work with,
and Robin Williams. And
Chelsea Handler… I think
OUT OF HERE. I’M LIKE AN

female comedians are leading
the pack at the moment.
So you’ve always had
OLSEN TWIN
the acid tongue, like
NOW” your hero Joan?

That was my way around
everything. But I was smart
about it. I was snarky but I was
never in detention because
I knew which teachers to play.
I was friends with the football
What do
W act for good reason… I’m never in because they’re team. They were the beef
yoou do after on stage praising someone environmentally friendly. and I was sort of their team
a bad
b gig? because, hey, that’s not funny. Are you going to join us spokesperson, the team
You learn so What about social media? in ending the hipster publicist. I was also editor-in-
much more from We saw you say somewhere revolution? chief of the student paper and
abbadd gigg than a good you get off on having trolls… Sometimes. Other times I’ll under my “reign” I introduced
g
gig. Actuallly, you don’t Oh yeah, looooooove trolls. see a hipster and wish I had a gossip column and some of
llearn anything
h g from a good Kate Langbroek once said to that effortless style he has the teachers started sucking
g
gig b because you often come me that if no-one hates you, and I’ll go and try and dress like up to me because they didn’t
o
out ffeeling
l b ll tproof. A
bullet you’re not doing your job one and just look ridiculous. want to appear. I had a
b
badd gig makesk yo ou go, properly. I think that’s quite I grew a beard when I was on surprising amount of control.
“OK, maybe I do need to true. The most successful I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of
concentrate a little more? comedians are polarising. Here and, um, you know when
Maybe I shouldn’t be checking What I do if I get trolled is you see a little girl wearing her
Twitter two seconds before I flick through their feed and mum’s heels? Wrrrrrong.
I go on?”… as I do. see who else they’ve attacked How was Celebrity?
Family and friends and what their life story is and Great experience but awful
cop a pasting in some it’s always a really sad one. being in there… it was pretty
of your shows. We all They’re never some hardcore. Then again, I got to
know your mother loves successful business exec see Africa in a pretty special
a drink, for instance. or a model, it’s always way… with Marcia Brady by
Do they all take it well? someone without a profile my side! It’s interesting, lots
Pretty good. I never pre- picture who hates the world. of people come me up to me
warn them. Some people You mention in your act now and say their kids loved
don’t get the point. Mum is you have a boat licence. me, which is odd, because
such a show-off. If I do merch Do you really? my stand-up doesn’t really
signings or a meet-and-greet I got my boat licence when attract children.
and she’s at the show, she’ll I was 17 years old. I grew up Who did you get on
be just… you know, hanging
nearby with a little “Hey, I’m
on boats. I was on the school
yachting team... whaaaat
best with?
Chrissie Swan. We’re very NEXT SHOW
here, recognise me?” People a snob! That’s my only blokey close. We did know each
are more excited to meet her trait. I can sail and drive other beforehand but not at Saturday 30 May
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r
PICTURES: MATRIX SYNDICATIONS
FILTHY
rich
EMILY AGNES WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL
AS POMMY ROYALTY. NOW SHE’S
GETTING HER CLOTHES OFF
FOR A LIVING…
ZOO
You wouldn’t know
it from these sizzling
pictures, but 23-year-old
Emily Agnes was a late
bloomer — all flat chest as
a teen, braces on her teeth
and interested in sport. She
didn’t date until she was 19,
and then... a 34DD-22-32
English rose unfurled.
She grew up in the
southern English village
of Windlesham, the kind
of place that sounds like it
has lots of stone walls and
dour police investigating
serial murders.
It’s a long way from
there to the Playboy
Mansion, a journey Agnes
made last year ahead of
stripping off as the July
2014 Playmate.
She says the experience
made her feel like a “star”:
“Women are always going
to be objectified and I’d
rather it was me doing
tasteful shots like these
than some of the horrible
stuff you see on the
internet.”
46  FFA
46 FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOWEEKLYOZ
A CE
C E BBOO OK
O K ..CC OOM
M /Z
/ Z OO
O O WE
W E EK
E LY
LYOZ
Y OZ
OZ
ZOO
emily
agnes
“The whole experience
raised my confidence to
new levels. I didn’t want it
to end.”
After studying at one
of Britain’s most expensive
schools — the same one
as the Duchess of York —
Emily decided not to study
history at uni, taking up
modelling instead.
Her property developer
dad and yoga teacher
mum support her, but
would rather not see the
nudie pics. Now she’s
seeing whether she can
land a job as an actress.
As far as fellas go, she’s
into the tradies more than
men in suits — and she
hates arrogant tools.
Indeed, her philosophy
is: “Never worry about
what others think. You
only live once, and you’re
probably never going to
see them again.”
And that’s exactly what
we tell ourselves every time
we get barred from a pub.
emily
agnes
ZOO
sport
ZOO
PLU O G C GO C R AT I O N S
GET THE APP!
MG’s Origin
HITS and
MEMORIES
Former NSW enforcer Mark Geyer
reckons he’s been asked about that
blue with Wally 8760 times... at least!
Y
ou had a lot of injuries pretty shit. Eventually I a morning person so I get up the enforcer in my junior teams.
when playing — do discovered a saved voice early and get home in time to It became kind of hard to flick
many still bother you? message on my phone from pick up my kids from school. the switch off the field, so I went
I’ve got 13 pins in my wedding the Triple M program manager Did we ever see the best looking for trouble in all the
finger on my left hand. I had and it was about two weeks old. of MG as a footballer? wrong places and found it.
a big back injury when I was I rang up and said I was keen No, no way. I was my own worst A few regrets, then?
playing which I thought would to try out if it’s not too late. enemy. When someone was I loved Origin and the Kangaroo
give me trouble but it hasn’t. What do you like about it? suspended the other day, they arena but unfortunately I only
Bet you didn’t think you’d end The people you meet. I don’t had a list of the worst offenders played three games of each.
up a big breakfast radio star like to sound blasé but it takes a and I know when I played I had I’ve got regrets but in saying
on Triple M’s The Grill Team. big star now to shake your cage 34 weeks of suspension… and that I wouldn’t change a thing
I kept reading about them to the point where you go, that’s something I’m not proud because I wouldn’t be where
putting this new breakfast show “Wow!”, because we meet so of. I was told at a young age to I am today if I wasn’t someone
together and I was wondering many famous people, from Hulk be an enforcer and it kind of with a story to tell.
why I never got a call from Hogan to the Madden Brothers went against everything I was Do you ever watch Penrith’s
anyone. I thought, I must be to Slash. The best part is that I’m brought up with — I was never 1990 and 1991 grand finals
THE GOOD
OL’ DAYS
 Mark “MG” Geyer is

part of The Grill Team
on Triple M, 6-9am
weekdays
against Canberra — the of the best goals in State of

loss and then the win? Origin history, in torrential rain,
I always watch the win. I never on his bad side, with a leather
watch the loss. I just can’t, mate. ball. I feel for Mick in that way.
Do you always get white-line Who were the best piss-takers
fever come Origin time? you played against?
When people ask, “Do you miss Benny Elias and Ricky Stuart
playing?” I go, “Nah... except for — they’d come up with some
Origin and finals.” That’s when great one-liners and you’d find
the nostrils start to puff a bit yourself giggling while trying to
and you remember the whole chase them down. Paul Sironen
build-up, the butterflies. Say it, don’t is probably the funniest bloke
Little doubt about which spray it I played with or against.
incident you get asked most What will league do when
about — the 1991 stoush with Willie Mason retires?
King Wally Lewis, surely? Willie is a character. Who will
Twenty-four years ago, brother! take over the mantle? I can’t
And not a day goes past that think of anyone off the top
someone doesn’t ask me what Geyer and Lewis of my head. I feel sorry for the
happened and why I didn’t hit face off in 1991 modern player where they’re
Origin without
him. Every day. killing each other not afforded the freedom we
Do you and Wally talk about were in the dinosaur ages
it when you see each other?
“It’s the most
because of social media and
We see more of each other than where every mobile phone is a
psychotic thing to
people think. His daughter is loaded gun. The players are on
deaf and I have two daughters a lot more money than we were
with epilepsy, and Wally’s an but they deserve every cent
ambassador for epilepsy,
having had his own experience
happen without a because the game is a lot
harder both mentally and
with it. We do a lot of charity
speaking together to promote
punch being thrown” physically than when I played.
Which current players do
our charities so yeah, I count old Stevie Walters a bit of a King, I’ve been watching this you most like to watch?
him as a close friend. rabbit chop to the head and they bloke since 1980 and loving My bolters for Origin are Matt
Is it your most memorable came flying from everywhere. I him and now he wants to rip my Moylan and Blake Austin —
moment playing for NSW? could see from the corner of my head off.” It’s the most psychotic both western Sydney juniors
Definitely. I wasn’t really happy eye this bloke running towards thing to happen without a punch from Penrith. Blake Austin in
with my first half and thought, me screaming out my name, being thrown. particular — he’s just in the
PICTURES: NRL PHOTOS
“F**k it, I’m going to make a saying you’re a this and you’re a And the Blues won that game game all the time, he’s busy,
mark somehow.” I remembered that and then I realised it was the with a dramatic late goal… he’s excitable, he’s flamboyant
being told before the game, King. I couldn’t believe he knew A lot of people forget that and unconventional, and
“You can’t get sent off,” so I gave who I was. I was like, “Shit, it’s the Michael O’Connor kicked one that’s what’s needed.
sport
Five reasons
ORIGIN isn’t
as good as it
used to be
It’s still the jewel in league’s
crown, but if things keep going
like this, will it always be?
WOWSERS 1,
BLUES 0!
2 IT’S GETTING TOO

BLOODY EXPENSIVE
There’s only one game contest, and they’re
1
in Queensland during this gouging them accordingly.
year’s series, and members’ The cheapest seats for
packages for what’s sure to the NSW home game are
BONDING be the most sought-after

ticket north of the Tweed
$50 a throw, but you can
pay up to $280. It’s the
SESSIONS range from $260-$425. dream of many a bloke to
ARE BECOMING That’s a 15 per cent increase
on 2014 prices, for crying
take his son to his first Origin
game, but how many will
EXTINCT out loud! The powers that still be keen to do that in
be know diehard fans will a few years’ time when you
Getting a bunch of guys
sell their car in the parking have to miss a mortgage
from different clubs to form
lot to afford tickets to the payment to afford it?
a close-knit band of brothers
who’d suffer and bleed for Origin piss rampage!” So
each other isn’t easy. So the though alcohol companies
tried-and-trusted formula still sponsor the hell out
the Blues and Maroons used of Origin, their products
consisted of getting past became more and more
legends in to give rousing frowned upon until NSW
speeches, taking all the coach Laurie Daley basically
players and pretty much banned the booze in 2014.
locking them up in a camp, Nowadays we guess the
then throwing several players try to gel with each
hundred beers into the mix. other by talking about their
Over the years that made fears over decaf coffees
for a lot of great bonding while the team sports
sessions, fondly remembered psychologist and media
by players. It also led to advisor monitor them to
headlines along the lines of make sure nobody says
“Players stood down after any swear words.
3 THE BIFF WILL NEVER
BE BROUGHT BACK
Game one of the 2013 series game, and while some
was the death of Origin people say fisticuffs have
punch-ups. That night no place on the field, many
NSW skipper Paul Gallen more say the odd punch-up
jackhammered a couple of is almost inevitable when
punches into the massive the competition’s so
head of Queensland’s Nate intense. The NRL is
Myles, making millions of determined to stamp it out,
fans jump out of their chairs so now what we’re left with
and start swearing their is what we got last year:
heads off. Nowadays blokes trying to bait each
throwing a punch means other into throwing a right
an automatic 10-minute hand so their team has to
sin bin no matter what, and play a man short.
last year not a single left jab It used to be that Origin
5
was thrown in anger. was a welcome relief from
Fights have been part over-policed club games
of Origin’s fabric ever since and a chance for fans to see
Artie Beetson punched his a rivalry so heated that it THE
Parra teammate Mick spilled over into a bit of REFS
Cronin in the very first knuckle work. Never again.
SUCK EVEN
MORE THAN
BEFORE
Yeah, we know that
there’s been some
shocking officiating
in Origin — like the
famously biased
Barry “Grasshopper”
Gomersall in the 1980s
— but there are clear
signs things are getting
worse. You used to
have to do something
awful to get penalised
in a NSW vs
4
Queensland match,
and penalties weren’t
handed out like they
were in club games.
IT’S NOT THE BEST VS THE BEST ANYMORE The penalty counts
in Origin are still low
When Origin kicked off in Millions of league fans anyone in the NSW and compared to regular
1980, league fans as far away would have loved to see Maroons sides, yet we’ll matches, but sides get
as England would drop Burgess and Graham bring never see them in a Cane hammered for minor
everything to watch because their brand of blood and Toads or Cockroaches strip. stuff like being offside
it was their one chance to see thunder to Origin, but no Polynesians are changing by 50cm. Plus we have
PICTURES: GETTY IMAGES, THINKSTOCK
the very best players in the dice. And the sudden and the game, but with many not to deal with the bloody
world try to kill each other. continuing rise of New eligible to play Origin, the video ref taking ages,
Now, the rise of gun Zealand as the world’s best year’s biggest contest will be and going back over
foreign players in the NRL, national league team has deprived of their skill, size, play to pick up on
like Sam Burgess, James thrown napalm on that fire. speed and ability to tackle minor infringements
Graham and Gareth Widdop, The Kiwis are the undisputed blokes so hard they feel like the on-field ref missed.
means some of the top NRL champions of rugby league, they need to recover in an Where’s the blood-
footballers aren’t eligible for with a squad of outstanding oxygen tent. The problem’s and-guts, no-holds-
the game’s centrepiece. players who can match it with only going to get worse… barred smash-fest?
sport
Footy’s best
SCORING
CELEBRATIONS
Nailing a goal on the field has brought
out the creative side of sports players
CHECK OUT MY
SPORTS BRA!
Soccer players are forever
pulling off their shirts after
scoring, but the USA’s
Brandi Chastain broke new
ground when she became
the first woman to do it.
She’d just scored a penalty
RUGBY UNION to win the 1999 Women’s
World Cup against China
ELECTRIC and the image went around
BOOGALOO!
PICTURES: PHOTOSPORTS, GETTY IMAGES, AAP
the world. As you can see,

she has a great set of... abs.
Queensland’s Digby Ioane
(top) looked like he was in a
Justice Crew video when he
scored a meat pie in a 2011 THE CELEBRATION
game. That effort made NFL FANS LOVED
headlines, then it was topped
shortly afterwards by All-Pro wide receiver Terrell Owens
Auckland’s Rene Ranger, was a magnet for controversy in his
who probably can’t gridiron career, never more so than
breakdance to save his life, when he scored in a 2002 game,
but got some help from his pulled out a Sharpie he’d stashed
teammates to pull it off. in his uniform just in case, signed
the ball and gave it to his financial
adviser. Best of all, the adviser was
sitting in a luxury box paid for by
the defender Owens had just
burned for the touchdown!
EPL TEAM GETS

A POST-GOAL
LECTURE
Hull player Jimmy Bullard
gave his crew a gobful after
scoring in a 2009 game. He
did it to take the piss out of
his manager, who’d yelled at
his side on the pitch at half-
time in the corresponding
game the year before. The
manager took it well, calling
it “great comedy”.
START TONIGHT’S CHAPTER.

SITTING AND THE WINNERS ARE…
OVATION! The vast majority of soccer fans
have never heard of Iceland’s
favourite: a dunny made out
of people which a player then
Stjarnan FC, which is a bloody pretends to back one out in.
shame. They’re the best in the It’s safe to say that they’d
world at goal celebrations, probably win the Europa League
having pioneered moves like the if they practised their football
human bobsled, a player giving as much as they practise their
birth on the pitch, and ZOO’s amazing post-score moves.
THE BOBSLED
THE HUMAN TOILET
NRL PLAYER APPLAUDS HIMSELF!

The early 2000s were a great the Cowboys, ran to the fence,
time for post-try gee-ups in vaulted over it, took a seat and
the NRL, and none were better gave himself an ovation. It’ll be
than the time St George’s Mark replayed on footy shows until
Riddell crossed the stripe versus the end of time.
THE HUMAN BICYCLE
THE BIRTH
GET THE APP!
GRIDIRON STAR MAKES A PHONE CALL

The NFL proved what fun-hating scoring against the New York
idiots they are when they fined Giants a teammate handed him a
New Orleans receiver Joe Horn mobile out of the pads that line the
US$30,000 for having the nerve to goalpost and he appeared to give
entertain everyone in 2003. After someone a ring. Probably his mum!
STAY CHILLED.
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CRACK UP
Does my bum look big in this?
Shane, via text
BOX HEAD
One too many beers for this bloke.
Anon, via text
FIRE AWAY FACE OFF

Campfire by Ben Barnha It’s simply the chest.
rt.
Anon, via text Hobbsy, via text
SPURTING PALM
Captured a nice bit of accidental porn.
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L
INKY BIL tt.
e’s new ta
My mat LLECTOR
Anon, via te
xt BONE CO one in LA.
k, d
My fresh in xt
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TRUE GRIT
The dreaded crumbed sausage!
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F**K KNUCKLE!
“My hand decided
some gills to brea it wanted
the with. Did it on
headlight at wor a
k. I’m a 4x4 wreck
ANON, VIA TEXT er!”
BRUSH IT OFF
n.
Wire brush infectio
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HARDEN UP SIX STACK

Concrete smashed my finger. After I fell of a six-storey balcony.
Anon, via text Anon, via text
DONG DENT
Check out my dick
THIGH SO SERIOUS? of a bruise. COMPO TIME
After an op on my thigh abscess. Anon, via text A mate had an accident at work.
Crazy horse, QLD, via text Anon, via text
ZOO
ZOO KEEPERS
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BA E
W CH THIS
S WEEK’S
HOTTEST
HO
S
NEW GIRLS
G S
MITH PHOTOGRAPHY,, SNAPPER MEDIA
PICTURES: ZAC SM
CROTCH
ROCKET
We’d go hog wild
if we got to spend
some pillion time with
NZ stunner Jaylene
Cook, who’s now
helping keep the
Gold Coast beautiful.
TO SEE MORE
STUNNING BABES, GO TO
INTHEZOO.COM.AU
WITNESS
THE FITNESS
Gemma Harmer runs
a boot camp business
on the Gold Coast. She
doesn’t need to worry
about advertising.
With a fit rig like that,
she’s practically a
walking billboard!
BRAS AND
STRIPES
Good news: not only is
Yank model Gigi Hadid
recently single, she also
has a thing for Aussie
blokes, having gone
out with with YouTube
singer Cody Simpson
until earlier this year.
TWIN
PEAKS
Queensland hottie Allie
Wade has worked as a
boxing ring girl. Seeing
her before a fight would
be just the stuff to get
the blood flowing. You
might end up with a
TKO — twin knockouts!
FILM
E
THE
GGAMESS MOVIES
O S MUSIC
SC BU
BLU
RAY
TV CCHICKS
CS LLAUGHS
UG S Sorry, I need my
post-workout
protein
Please don’t
eat me!
DISASTER SAN ANDREAS

[CTC] 6/10
THE GIST: Mother Nature with his ex-wife (Carla some of the special effects
starts shaking harder than a Gugino) to find and save look jaw-droppingly real and
hypothermic Michael J. Fox, their estranged daughter others look faker than the
causing a destructive quake (Alexandra Daddario), who WWE. Paul Giamatti’s class
in California. A rescue- is, of course, a bit of a babe. and The Rock’s charisma will
helicopter pilot (Dwayne ZOO SAYS: Like all of these distract you from that and
Johnson) heads to San Fran CGI-heavy disaster flicks, the dumb plot, though.
SCI-FI TOMORROWLAND
7/ 1 0
ADVENTURE [PG]
THE GIST: From the director of The that transports her and a bloke
Incredibles and Mission Impossible: named Frank (George Clooney)
Ghost Protocol (Brad Bird), and to a futuristic place where their
the writer of Prometheus (Damon actions impact the present day.
Lindelof ) comes this tale of a ZOO SAYS: A little too “young
young girl, Casey (Britt Robertson), adult” for our liking, but the effects
who stumbles upon a magical pin are impressive to say the least.
AMERICAN
SNIPER
BLU-RAY
WAR DRAMA
[MA15+]
8/10
THE GIST: Based on the life of US
war hero and dead-eye dick Chris
“Legend” Kyle (Bradley Cooper),
CRIME DRAMA
this Clint Eastwood-directed flick
covers his four tours of duty in
Iraq. Despite showing off his
THE GAMBLER
[MA15+]
5/10
deadly sniper skills, this isn’t really
a chest-beating glorification of war.
If anything, seeing the toll it takes THE GIST: Literature
on Kyle and his family does professor Jim Bennett (Mark
the exact opposite. Wahlberg) has a secret life as a
ZOO SAYS: The chunky Cooper high-risk gambler. He gets in too
plays the troubled soldier with deep and before he knows it his life
just the right amount of brawn and is on the line, and he’s throwing one
vulnerability, and Eastwood gives up a hot student (Brie Larson).
the sniper scenes — particularly the ZOO SAYS: Nothing to write home
one from the trailer — more tension about. The addition of Larson and
than Kate Upton’s bra strap. John Goodman makes it watchable.
GAMES ZOO
FIRST LOOK!
TONY HAWK
PRO SKATER 5
 The gnarliest video game and high-score tricks you’d
sk8er series is back after a 13- never attempt in real life
year absence on Xbox One without health insurance.
and PS4, and it looks totally Power-ups and projectiles will
tubular! Grind the turf as Tony be included, along with online
“The Birdman” Hawk or a play, where you can complete
number of other skating missions, unlock content, level
legends. The gameplay up, and go head-to-head with
rekindles its old-school style, mates. You can also build your
with all-new levels, dangerous own skatepark, graffiti the
objectives, fine-tuned controls shit out of it, and share it.
STRATEGY ACT OF AGGRESSION

PC 7/ 1 0
THE GIST: If you’ve missed those
old Command & Conquer games
of the ’90s, you’ll feel nice ’n’ cosy
here. This real-time strategy war
game places your modern military
tech in some of the world’s most
volatile conflict zones. You build
bases, establish resource supply
lines and blow lots of shit up.
ZOO SAYS: We feel like a power-
hungry super villain, or George W.
Bush back in his presidential days.
It doesn’t live up to the original
games, but it’s a fine clone.
MIDDLE-EARTH:
SPORT RPG BLOOD BOWL 2
XB1, PS4, PC 7/ 1 0
ACTION SHADOW OF MORDOR
GOTY EDITION
PS4, XB1, PC
8/10 THE GIST: What was once a
tabletop game played by human lab
rats in the darkest corners of the
schoolyard is now a video game. It’s
THE GIST: You shall not pass stop fighting and start posing. basically gridiron played by teams
this surprise hit game based on ZOO SAYS: Lopping the heads of fantasy characters, like orcs,
Tolkien’s Middle Earth. Why, you off orcs is as fun as ever, as is elves, dwarves and other things
ask? It comes with the complete screwing the enemy command you’ll find in Lord of the Rings.
original game plus all the extra structure by picking off their ZOO SAYS: We heartily enjoyed
DLC, including two story packs, chieftains. It’s too violent to be cheating and deliberately injuring
several skins, runes, missions overlooked as a game for geeks, our opponents. It looks and
and challenge modes. There’s so safely give it a bash if green feels much better than the
even a photo mode if you wanna dunderheads annoy you. first game, but it’s still way
behind the tech wagon.
 INSTAGRAM.COM/ZOOWEEKLYDIGITAL 63
ZOO MUSIC
My black
shirts are in
the wash
DEATHCORE MAKE THEM SUFFER

OLD SOULS 5/10
SOUNDS LIKE: Like other Aussie ZOO SAYS: If
“core” bands, this extremely popular you’re a fan of
Perth sextet (they have millions of Parkway Drive,
YouTube hits) pepper mundane IKTPQ and The
MAJOR LAZER
8/10
metalcore “riffs” (and we use that Amity Affliction,
DANCEHALL
term loosely) with elements blatantly and don’t care about the older, less PEACE IS THE MISSION
borrowed from metal genres. In this trendy bands MTS are copying, you’ll
case, goth (they have keys and some probably think this is rad. Us? We’ll
female vocals) and black metal. stick to the originals, thanks. SOUNDS LIKE: American mega- ZOO SAYS: With
producer and DJ Diplo dusts off nine guest-heavy
his Major Lazer project for its third tracks clocking in
offering. Dancehall beats bash into at just over 30
reggae-infused tunes and EDM minutes, Peace is
earworms like the No.1 smash hit the Mission doesn’t hang around
Lean On, featuring DJ Snake of Turn long, but its impact will be felt on
Down for What fame and Danish the charts and dance floors for
vocalist of the moment MØ. many months to come.
I stole my
pants from
Eddie Murphy
PUNK SLAVES
ARE YOU SATISFIED? 8/10
SOUNDS LIKE:
The Streets mixed
with the attitude
and anarchy of
British punk.
ZOO SAYS: These loud, brash, cocky
geezers are one of those bands that
come around every few years and
immediately sound fresh. You’ll be
hearing a lot more about this duo.
ROCK THE DARKNESS 8/10

TV
LAST OF OUR KIND
SOUNDS LIKE: Former UK falsetto and his

rocklords The Darkness have bro’s rock riffs
gotten their shit together long ruling all over
enough to record their fourth Barbarian, Last
album. Frontman Justin Hawkins’ of Our Kind and epic ballad
well-documented drug problems Wheels of the Machine.
derailed this once-unstoppable ZOO SAYS: You’d be forgiven
rock juggernaut, but he’s back for giving up hope, but this is a
on track here, with his legendary powerful and welcome return.
PUNK ROCK ANTI-FLAG

AMERICAN SPRING 7/ 1 0 DON’T
SOUNDS LIKE: MISS THIS
UNPLANNED AMERICA : WEEK
Nine albums in
and the Pittsburgh
punkers are still
pumping out
SERIES 2 SBS 2, TUESDAY MAY 26, 9PM
passionate, politically charged pop Three Aussie mates team up to oldest BDSM chateau, get their
punk that’s as smart as it is catchy. explore the US’s seedy underbelly. first marijuana licence and eat a
ZOO SAYS: Writing accessible In this six-part series they hit strip 20,000-calorie burger at the Heart
anthems about drone strikes ain’t clubs, get disciplined at the world’s Attack Grill in Las Vegas.
easy, but Justin Sane is a dab hand.
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Which nation holds the record for WIN ACROSS 19. Casual name for
any female (5)
6. Aussie way of
saying you can’t be
100
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most consecutive rugby union wins? their hair down at of choice for the be ---” (5)
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 Scientists say life is such
a miracle, the odds of you

even existing are one in
| pointless
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102,640,000. That’s a 10 followed
n re
un a
| f te by 2.64 million zeros
t st
es  The world’s top 20 most

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un
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are all in Africa
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 Cats can make over 100
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vocal sounds. Dogs can
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only manage 10
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scientific evidence
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e
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to better grades
test | funn
 Poland lost 19 per cent
Wait until he of its population during
6 THING finds out it’s full World War Two. As a
S of gunpowder
TO SAY percentage, that’s more
DOWN than any other nation
THE PUB  Even though Marty McFly
ABOUT.. the UN’s 2014 World Drug
. visits three different time
Report, which found
periods in the Back to the
Aussies led the world in E
Future trilogy, the action
use. We were third for
actually takes place across
crystal meth and fourth
just three weeks of his life
for coke (the Scots were
first for marching powder)  In 1999, NASA lost a $125
million Mars probe because
5 According to the
study 2.1 per cent of
engineers didn’t convert
some figures from imperial
us use amphetamines at to metric measurements
least once a year, which is
AUSSIE DRUGGOS as much as triple the UK’s
rate. Maybe they prefer
A new study shows Australians are leading the their cheap cocaine
pack when it comes to taking recreational drugs
1Australians are flying

high in global drug
Addiction journal, which
has calculated its results 6 Aussies also lead the
UK and the US in a
consumption, with the first from a variety of worldwide different category: a lack
report on global addictions resources such as the UN of problems with grog.
from the University of Though 84 per cent of us
3
Adelaide revealing that Three per cent of us pop sink piss at least once per
we lead the world in MDMA pills or capsules year — more than the
taking illegal drugs to get off our faces, compared Poms and Seppos — only
to just 1.1-1.7 per cent in the UK. 3.7 per cent of Aussies  The blue-ringed
octopus has
2 More than one in 10 However, their drugs are have an alcohol use
of us smoke weed cheaper, apparently disorder, compared to enough venom
at least once per year — 12.1 per cent in the UK and to kill 26 adult
7.8 per cent in the US. We humans within
4
double the rate of the Those ecstasy figures
Poms, according to confirm the findings of smoke less tobacco, too minutes
Think yo
yoga cla ur WORLD’S
crowded ss is BIGGEST
thought ? Spare a CASINOS
600 stu for these 1 Venetian Macao
lined updents who

546,000
Alright, who Macau, China square feet
horse and
at
Univers China’s
carted? 2 City of Dreams 420,000
it
Petroleuy of
Macau, China
3 Foxwoods Resort
m
340,000
Casino, Ledyard, USA
4 Ponte 16 270,000
Macau, China
5 Tusk Rio Casino 266,330
Resort, Rio, Brazil
6 Sands Macau, China 229,000
7 MGM Grand 221,952
Macau, China
8 MGM Grand 170,000
Las Vegas, USA
9 Casino Lisboa 165,000
Lisbon, Portugal
10 The Borgata 161,000
Atlantic City, USA
Source: Ranker.com
 There are at least 66 silent

songs in existence — that’s
songs which consist mostly
or entirely of silence
 The world’s most widely  In the Hindu language

circulated magazine is The Sanskrit, the word
Watchtower, a monthly “swastika” means
handout produced by the “being happy”
Jehovah’s Witness church.
 Popcorn can boost a
More than 40 million copies
man’s sexual performance;
are distributed in 180
it increases blood flow to the
languages
 More than 15 per cent
penis, and contains a nutrient
called Arginine which boosts
 If you earn more
of Caucasian people will sperm count
than $27,000 a
experience a change in eye  Male alligators year, you’re in the
spend their entire  It would take around 24 top four per cent
colour during their lifetime
days to watch, back-to-back, of the world’s
life with an
 There’s place in Idaho, all 700-plus Star Trek TV
erection. Damn richest people
USA, called Beaver Dick Park shows and 11 movies
10
TOP 1 2 3 4 5
Surgeon Anaesthetist Internal medicine Financial dealers Judicial/other

$361,202 a year $319,033 specialist $219,213 legal professional
$263,601 $192,189
6 7 8 9 10
AUSTRALIA’S
BEST-PAID
JOBS
Source: ATO Psychiatrists Mining engineer Other medical Chief executive/ Generalist medical
$186,778 $166,410 practitioner managing practitioner
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f u n n i e s t | p o i n t
ZOO e s t | le

GET FACT!
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reat | g
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g a
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|
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n i e s t | p t l e s s | g r e a
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es
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| f
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oin
•A MM O •
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t l
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IMPRES YO
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WITH THSES UR MATES

FACTS AN E ODDBALL
te

D FIGURES
s
THIS WEEK: WALL STREET
t
ie
|
f u n n i e | f
un
n

s t | p
369 million
te
s t

o i n t l e s s | g r e a

$447,000
dollars: amount a $1000 investment in 1956 with financial guru Warren Buffet would be worth today Average salary, including bonuses,
$5.68 trillion ZERO

of a Wall Street employee
Cost (from US taxpayers’ money) to bail out the big Wall Street
financial institutions after the 2008 crash that started the GFC
Number of financial executives
$357 million
who faced criminal charges in
the wake of the GFC
Reported 2013 end-of-year bonus paid to Bill Gross,

co-founder of asset management firm Pimco
$135.9
million: amount trader Jordan Belfort,
on whom The Wolf of Wall Street was
based, swindled from stock buyers
100
Number
of suicides
or suicide
attempts
SIXTY
after the 1929
80
Wall Street
Crash
per cent: trades on the US futures market

that are made by computer algorithms
PICTURES: THINKSTOCK, AUSTRALSCOPE
35
per cent:
proportion
of the total
earnings of
per cent: proportion of failed Wall New York
Street drugs tests in which marijuana City made
showed up; surprisingly, cocaine by Wall
featured in just seven per cent of tests Street firms
70  FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOWEEKLYOZ Pub Ammo “Guess Who?” answer from page 66: Paul Giamatti
Photo: Robert Sebree • Hair: Davy Newkirk, for Tracey Mattingly • Makeup: Jennifer Pitt, for Tracey Mattingly • Wardrobe: Britt Bardo, for Magnet • Wing design: Mia Gyzander Costumes
“That
which does
not kill me
makes me
feel like a
beer” – Friedrich Nietzsche
I N T H E Z O O . C O M . A U

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