i didn’t have it in myself to go with grace

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/53641024.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Category: F/M
Fandom: Outer Banks (TV)
Relationship: JJ Maybank/Original Female Character(s)
Characters: JJ Maybank, Original Female Character(s), John B. Routledge, Kiara
"Kie" Carrera, Pope Heyward, Sarah Cameron
Additional Tags: Protective JJ Maybank, JJ Maybank-centric, John B has a Sister, JJ
Maybank Needs a Hug, Explicit Language, Underage Drinking,
Underage Smoking, Teen Angst, Pogues (Outer Banks), Teen Pregnancy,
Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Series: Part 2 of Grace Routledge
Stats: Published: 2024-02-09 Words: 2,739 Chapters: 1/?
 i didn’t have it in myself to go with grace
by laylap2003

Summary

Gracie Routledge finds herself at her lowest point, teetering on the edge, struggling to cope
with the loss of her brother and the burden of his wrongful reputation as a murderer, and
heartbreak at the hands of her first love. A sudden revelation faces her, as she must deal with
the consequences of her actions, struggle to grapple with the tumultuous ups and downs of
her relationship, fight to redeem her brother’s tarnished name and uncover a second chance at
finding a new life changing treasure.

Season Two of Outer Banks; told by John B’s little sister, Gracie.
Sequel to ‘i would fall from grace’
I held my eyes on the ground, watching wordlessly as Pope and JJ carved the memorial into
John B’s favorite old oak tree which stood by the water.

“John B Routledge. 2003 to 2020. P4L”

It’s been about two weeks since the storm that blew through our island and completely
destroyed my life.

I wipe a tear away as JJ raises his flask, “To John B”. He offers it to me but I put my hand up,
declining the silent offer.

Kie speaks up—“and to Sarah”.

JJ takes another sip of his flask as Pope downs a beer. Kie and I bend down placing a box
filled with memories into the ground— friendship bracelets, a bandana amongst the items
never to be seen again. Just like my brother.

Pope and JJ help us bury the box, completing our makeshift memorial.

My eyes glance towards JJ, who’s downing another gulp of his flask. His eyes catch mine for
a second before he quickly looks away.

We’ve barely spoke to each other since the morning I woke up in the Chateau after the storm,
after we slept together for the first time, completely alone.

Panic gripped me in the moment as the memories of the night before flashed into my mind.
My father was dead. My brother was dead. I was alone.

Pope found me later that day, curled into a ball, and took me back home with him. Mrs H
tried anything she could to comfort me, warm tea, a hot shower now that electricity was
available again on the Cut but nothing could fix what was broken.

JJ was nowhere to be found, for days.

“I’m not positive but I’m pretty sure they can still see us from here.” I say, anxiously.

Kiara, full of rage, decided it was a good idea to vandalize the Cameron home, Pope
following along. To make sure she didn't go too far and get herself into trouble. I tagged
along, more out of fear of being alone than anything else.

Kie shook the can of red spray paint and added another coat to the word “Murderer” scrawled
on the cement wall in front of Tanny Hill.

“Who cares? They should be glad I’m not setting the house on fire.” Kie says, anger in her
voice.
“Can you just hurry up?” Pope says, scanning the yard for eyes on us.

Kie turns to me and Pope, glaring “Doesn’t it piss you off, even a little?”

“Of course it does” I shoot back, defensively, “but you know I have to be careful.”

Kie and Pope both know about my situation. A few days after the Phantom went down, Ward
Cameron visited me at the Heyward’s, agreeing to remain my legal guardian but in exchange
I had to stay away from the rest of his family. He would front the bills for the Chateau and
bare minimum expenses for me to survive, and although it felt like hush money, I just
couldn’t pass it up. He had made it clear this was my best option; The Heywards were not
able to take legal guardianship over me so it was either keep my home or get shipped off to
the mainland.

I’d be jeopardizing everything I had left if I got caught.

Kie took a step back, “Not bad,” she judges.

“Great, let’s go then.”

“Gracie, get down.” Pope says suddenly, and I duck down beneath the wall, “Someone's up
there.”

“Rafe” Kie confirmed, before screaming loudly for him to hear, “Look, we know what you
did!”

Pope pulls her back, as she yells again, “Murderers!”

We rush away, pulling Kie behind us, “Come on this is not the time.”

As Kie and Pope dropped me off back at the Chateau, I couldn't help but notice the tension
between them, their attempts to keep whatever was brewing under wraps. I understood,
considering what had happened between me and JJ. I caught on quickly to their conflicting
relationship, realizing they needed some time alone to sort things out.

Entering the Chateau, the emptiness enveloped me, a stark contrast to the bustling household
I grew up in having a big brother. The silence was deafening, the distant chirping of crickets
the only sound, even my beloved rooster was gone. A pang of homesickness gnawed at my
stomach, longing for my dad, John B, JJ, and the simplicity of life before things were turned
upside down.

My mind wavered as I tried desperately to push thoughts of John B out of my mind, each
memory leading me down a dark, unsettling path.

Thoughts turned to visions of JJ, he was the bright spot in this nightmare for a short time. It
was him and me against the world until I woke up to abandonment, after giving everything I
had to give and I still don’t even know why.
As the door to the Chateau swung open, revealing a visibly ruffled JJ, still in his work shirt, I
couldn't help but feel a surge of emotions. Our eyes met fleetingly before he quickly averted
his gaze.

"I'm sorry, I thought you were out," he muttered, his voice tinged with guilt.

"I came back," I retorted sharply, my frustration evident.

His expression softened, eyes reddened with distress as he spoke, "I can go."

I could tell something was wrong and I found myself telling him to stay.

To my surprise, he sank onto the couch beside me.

I stole a glance at JJ as he sat nearby, taking in his familiar scent, a comforting reminder of
home amidst the chaos that had consumed me for weeks. Despite my anger and confusion, I
couldn't help but feel grateful for his prescience.

With a heavy heart, I mustered the courage to mutter. "You can talk to me,"

He met my gaze, sadness evident in his eyes.

"Something obviously happened. What's wrong?" I ask.

The room fell into a heavy silence, tension thickening the air, until JJ finally broke. "I got
fired from the Island Club," he confessed, his voice laced with frustration. "Kelce, Topper,
and a bunch of freak’in Kooks were running their mouths about John B during brunch, and I
lost it."

”What did you do?” I ask with a smirk, loving the idea of revenge.

JJ looks at me, returning the small smile, “Threw a pitcher of water on Kelce?” He answered.

I chuckle, remembering the feeling of talking with JJ.

Once more, the room hung heavy with unspoken tension, the weight of recent events bearing
down on us. In just a few short weeks, everything had changed between us, leaving me
bewildered and hurting.

Summoning bravery, I finally dared to voice the question that had hung in my thoughts.
"Why'd you leave me?" I asked, my voice betraying the ache in my heart.

For a moment, JJ remained motionless, his gaze fixed ahead as if lost in thought. I almost
thought he hadn't heard me, until he spoke, his voice heavy with regret.

"I felt guilty," he confessed, his words hanging in the air like a heavy shroud.

He met my gaze, tears pooling in his piercing blue eyes, as he continued. "All I wanted was
to protect you, to look after you, and I couldn't do it," he confessed, his voice raw with
emotion. "All I did was screw things up, like I always do."
Confusion clouded my mind as I tried to make sense of his words. "What are you talking
about?" I asked, my voice tinged with bewilderment.

“It’s my fault John B is dead. Your father is gone then I go ahead and get your brother killed.
The one last thing he asked me to do was take care of you. I can’t even get that right, I just
turn around and that very same night I take advantage of you. After everything that happened,
I took advantage of you.” He tells me, hands fidgeting in his lap.

My face twists with shock, "Seriously?"

JJ looks puzzled, furrowing his brows, "Yeah."

I soften, realizing what JJ has been going through, “JJ, none of this is your fault. You didn’t
kill John B. I don’t blame you for that and I don’t blame you for what happened between us
that night.”

"I blame myself plenty," he responds, his voice heavy with guilt. "I promised John B I'd
protect you, watch over you, not—sleep with you.”

Wiping his eyes, he continues, "I need to keep my word to John B, be there for you—protect
you like he would. Be more like—"

"Like a brother?" I scoff, like he is trying to just forget about everything we felt for each
other?

"Yes," he says.

"Okay," I concede, my heart heavy, but I couldn't bear losing another person I cared about.

"Friends?" I ask tentatively.

"Friends," he confirms.

John B was gone, and we couldn't change that. We couldn't undo what happened between us
that night after the storm. But amidst our grief, at least we had each other.

I'm jolted awake the next morning by the blaring horn of Kie's SUV in the front yard,
followed by the heavy thud of footsteps and the slam of the front door. The sudden flash of
light invades my room as she bursts in and jumps onto my bed.

"Rise and shine!" she announces.

I groan and bury my face deeper into my pillow. It's my first day of 10th grade, a day I've
been dreading. Without John B, every passing moment feels like a painful reminder that he’s
gone. I was never a bad student, not a brainiac like Pope but I attended class regularly,
forgoing ‘sick days’ to surf with JJ and John B, and got good grades. This morning though,
the idea of sitting through class, trying to pretend like everything was fine, seemed
unbearable.
Kie’s voice softens, “You gotta get up, Gracie. You know you can’t miss school.”

She was right; I couldn't afford to draw any unnecessary attention to myself.

Reluctantly, I dragged myself out of bed, hastily throwing my brown waves into a messy bun
and slipping into a worn pair of ripped jeans and a green t-shirt. Pope was already coaxing JJ
awake as I hurriedly handed out granola bars to everyone.

We piled into Kie's SUV, and as we neared the school, I braced myself for what was to come.
Our actions over the summer were bound to attract plenty of attention.

I was unfortunately, correct, walking up to the school entrance, I hear the whispers about me,
my brother and the other Pogues, and try to take a deep breath as anxiety builds. Tears try to
force themselves out of my eyes as I see a memorial for John B that JJ had thrown up near
the school yard, pictures of JB and his name plastered on his old short board.

Kie throws her arm over my shoulder as I wipe at my eyes.

“I feel like people are staring at us.” I say, glancing around. Eyes were definitely on us.

“Guys , I can’t be late,” Pope urges us on.

“We’ve got to stick together.” Kie says to us, grabbing Pope's hand. I link JJ’s arm around
mine and we talk into the school united.

My mind struggles to keep up as I try to focus on my classes. The information being thrown
at me feels like a jumbled mess, and honestly, none of it seems to matter much anymore.
Whispers surround me as I walk the hallways, some directed at me, others muttered behind
my back. I catch only occasional glimpses of the other Pogues as I move from class to class
throughout the morning.

Contemplating whether I can get away with skipping the rest of the afternoon, my phone
buzzes in my pocket. As I reach for it to silence the notification, I catch a glimpse of the
screen—John B and Sarah smiling back at me. My breath catches, my heart racing.

"No way," I think to myself.

A loud bang interrupts my thoughts, and I jump, looking up to see JJ's flushed face beckoning
me from the window. I scramble out of my seat, blurting out, "Can be excused— please?"
before darting out of the room. JJ and I meet up with Kie and Pope, rushing out to the school
courtyard.

"I mean, is it even possible? Shoupe said they didn't make it. He said that!" Kie's voice
shakes as she speaks, clearly having received the same text.

Pope stumbles over his words, "Okay, but I—I think we might be overreacting. We can't rule
out the possibility that this is all some insane hoax."
"I'm going to ask," I decide, typing out a response, 'JB, is this really you???'

"What if it's them?" I say shakily, waiting for my message to send. The hope starts to rise
within me; this couldn't really be happening.

Suddenly, four notification dings ring out, 'Is JJ there? Did you pimp my short board?'

My jaw drops. "It's him," JJ says, laughing with relief.

"It's definitely him," I whisper to myself, feeling life surge back into my veins. He's out there,
my brother, somewhere. We celebrate with tears of joy as another response comes in from
John B, 'Laying super low in Nassau. Can you clear my name? Wanna come home.'

"Hell yeah, we'll clear your name, boy," JJ says triumphantly.

"Be in touch. P4L," Kie reads aloud, after the next message arrives.

"P4L, man! P4L, baby!" JJ exclaims, lifting me off my feet in a bear hug, swinging me
around in a circle. We share a meaningful glance before he sheepishly sets me back down.

Ditching afternoon classes is for sure happening now. We’ve got work to do.

We reconvene by the dock near the Wreck, the strong breeze whipping around me. I felt
lighter than I had in weeks.

“So are we going to the Bahamas or what?” I ask the others. I was ready to get this done and
go back to normal.

Pope looks at me, “There’s no way we’re getting to the Bahamas.”

“Well John B is gonna get nabbed sooner or later, so if we’re gonna clear his name, we need
to have done it like yesterday,” I spell out.

JJ paces in front of me, coming up with a plan, “I’ll tell you how we do it. We kidnap Rafe.”

Kie’s jaw drops as I run my hand down my face, there couldn't be a dumber idea that could
have come out of his mouth.

“We kidnap Rafe?” I say.

JJ continues, “We kidnap Rafe, tie him up and stick the gun in his mouth and just wait until
he starts squaking.”

All four of us stare, incredulously, until Kie shuts him down, “You know torture is a war
crime.”

That plan was for sure not an option and not going to happen.
Pope sits back, deep in thought, then finally speaks up, “All we need is a material witness.
We saw Ward’s plane fly right over our heads with the gold inside. He didn’t fly it. If
someone else flew it that means someone else was on the tarmac and saw Peterkin get
murdered.”

I smile, realization dawning, “we just have to find whoever that was and get them to confess
on the record!”

“How do we do that?” Kie asks us.

“Espionage!” I answer with a spark.

JJ smirks, “A little ghost recon”.

“Let’s do this!”

Under Pope's strategic guidance, we come up with a plan to spy on Gavin, a local pilot who is
well-known as being an employee of Ward Cameron, planting Pope's cell phone and listening
in to his conversations on Kie's air pods. After placing an anonymous but threatening phone
call, we sit back and wait.

It’s only moments later when the call comes in, revealing a heated argument between Ward
and Gavin. The fight between themselves reveals the hush money Ward promised and to our
surprise Gavin admits, he has been holding onto the gun used to kill Peterkin as leverage.

"Holy Shit," I breathe, my pulse quickening with the gravity of the moment. This could be
the breakthrough we've been waiting for, the key to bringing John B and Sarah back home.

Ward begrudgingly agrees to cough up more cash, and the two men arrange to meet near a
new construction zone close to the local surf shop.

"They're meeting right now. We need to move!"

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