TOC
New Beginnings of complementary scripts. Eventually, 94% of the
Group Techniques for
Coping with Losses
Due to Divorce
ROBERT J. FETSCH
JOY SURDAM
Divorce rates in the United States reached an all-time
high of 22.0 per 1,000 married women in 1978, ac-
cording to the U.S. Bureau of Census (Glick, 1979).
With so many marriages ending in divorce, many
“uncoupled” people can be found among the stu-
dents, staff, and faculty of a university. The numer-
ous pressures and stresses of academic life often
seem to contribute to the breakup of student mar-
riages. In addition, many formerly married people
seem to return to universities for additional educa-
tion and resocialization with prospective new
partners.
Recognizing a need at the University of Wyoming
for some type of program to help uncoupled people
cope with the pressures, strains, and losses of di-
vorce, we developed a group counseling program
called New Beginnings. This article describes the
cognitive framework we found useful for group
members, how we selected group participants, the
agenda for the seven-week series of meetings, and
conclusions based on written evaluations by the par-
ticipants and our observations.
STAGES OF COUPLING AND UNCOUPLING
In an attempt to put together a picture of the coupling
and uncoupling process as a whole, we found in the
literature several writers who addressed different as-
pects of the total process. The following cognitive
framework of the stages of coupling and uncoupling
was developed.
The roots of coupling and uncoupling behavior go
deep into the early childhood experiences of each in-
dividual. Each child makes decisions about the “OK-
ness” or “not-OKness” of self and others of both
sexes, depending on early experiences and behav-
ioral reinforcements in the family (James & Savary,
1977). The child becomes a young adult and has addi-
tional experiences with people of both sexes. Reflect-
ing on those experiences, the young person makes
“re-decisions” regarding self and others that rein-
force the script and aid in the selection of a mate.
According to Berne (1961), after narrowing down
possible candidates by game-testing, prospective
partners are drawn together by their intuitive sense
FEBRUARY 1981
Electronic Journal: To print this article select pages 69-71.
men and 96% of the women select a marriage partner
(Rawlings, 1978).
In most societies, some type of marriage cere-
mony is customary in which some form of contract is
agreed on by the marriage partners. Berne (1961)
wrote that there are two parts to the American and
Canadian marriage contract. First is the formal con-
tract, which involves two adults promising to be
faithful to each other. Second is the secret relationship
contract in which one party tends to “Parent” the
“Child” in the other. A major contribution of Berne
is his insistence that the basis for the marriage lies in
the secret contract. The authors contend that the basis
for the uncoupling lies in the breaking of that secret
contract. For example, if during the courtship he
“takes care” of her by paying for all meals, movies,
and transportation, and the two secretly agree to this
kind of relationship in which he provides the money,
it comes as no great surprise at some later point in
their marriage that he believes he has a greater say
over how the money is spent. The counselor is even
less surprised to hear the couple’s primary problem is
money management.
Several models are useful for understanding the
stages of uncoupling (Fisher, 1978; Krantzler, 1977).
The model adopted for the purposes of this project
was that of Kessler (1975):
1 Disillusionment. Spouses realize that the roman-
tic pictures of their mates differ from reality. If
couples do not take this stage as an opportunity to
renegotiate their formal and secret relationship con-
tracts, they may move quietly to the next stage.
2 Erosion. Repressed but fiery disappointments,
hurts, and angers continue to wear away at the rela-
tionship through subtle means such as avoidance and
put-down behaviors. Couples who deal with their
disappointments and irritations renew their relation-
ship. Those who fail to do so move to the next stage.
3 Detachment. The intense feelings of erosion
change to ambivalence or apathy. One or both
spouses may begin to take steps toward indepen-
dence. Once one of the partners moves to this stage,
the prognosis is low as far as recommitment to the
marriage is concerned.
4 Physical separation. At this stage, separation has
occurred. This is the most traumatic of all the stages.
Rapid mood swings are common. People often expe-
rience severe loneliness and anxiety as well as elation
and relief.
5 Mourning. Realizing that the relationship has
died, people experience a mixture of anger, hurt,
loneliness, depression, and helplessness. By allow-
ing themselves to feel these intense emotions and to
“bury” dead relationships, divorced individuals put
closure on their former relationships.
6 Second adolescence: Healing begins. Feelings of
relief that the relationship is over often lead to a
At the time the New Beginnings group was offered, ROBERT J. FETSCH and
JOY SURDAM were doctoral candidates in the Department of Guidance and
Counselor Education at the University of Wyoming. Fetsch is now an
assistant professor for Cooperative Extension in the Department of Family
Studies at the University of Kentucky, Lexington. Surdam is a temporary
assistant professor in the Department of Guidance and Counselor Educa-
tion at the University of Wyoming, Laramie.
395
period of overreaction. Being aware that no parent or
spouse is around to restrict them, divorced people
may test new limits in their activities or relation-
ships. Eventually, they reevaluate their beliefs and
values and frequently select new goals more compat-
ible with an emerging new self.
7 Hard work. Through hard work, people develop
new confidence and experience a new feeling of con-
trol over their lives. As old, nonproductive relation-
ships are dropped and growth-enhancing new ones
are developed, a new support system becomes estab-
lished. By now the hard work pays off dividends of
renewed vitality and self-confidence as individuals
pursue new self-chosen goals.
NEW BEGINNINGS: PROGRAM DESCRIPTION
At the University of Wyoming, the Division of Coun-
seling and Testing provided a service for divorced
men and women by establishing a group counseling
program entitled New Beginnings. The New Begin-
nings group, which we facilitated, met one evening a
week for two hours during a seven-week period in
the spring of 1979. Commitment to the group was
stressed from the beginning. There were few ab-
sences. This group experience was developed for
previously coupled individuals who had recently be-
come single again. Although the affective realm
formed a major part of the program, the focus was on
the development of practical skills for strengthening
support systems and for learning to cope with loss.
Seven possible tasks, developed from the work of
Beatrice (1978) and Kessler (1976), were intended to
assist group members move through several impor-
tant psychological steps in their recovery from the
divorce experience. These tasks were (a) saying
goodbye to the spouses, the marriages, and other
losses; (b) developing authentic and workable sup-
port systems; (c) developing autonomy and identify
as whole, growing individuals; (d) reevaluating mar-
ital relationships; (e) making peace with the de-
mands of reality; (f) enabling members to learn cop-
ing mechanisms which they could use in dealing
with other losses; and (g) providing a cognitive struc-
ture for those experiencing this type of loss.
SELECTION OF GROUP MEMBERS
Having established the above seven tasks and having
reviewed the research conducted by Yalom (1970) on
group preparatory sessions, the first author (R.F.)
conducted individual screening sessions to enable the
therapist and each potential group member to share
expectations and needs. A structured interview was
used for this purpose, and it included the following
questions: (a) What are your goals and expectations?
(b) What was the course of any previous
psychotherapy? (c) For what reason did you stop see-
ing the therapist?
The second phase of the preliminary session was
dedicated to a general survey of each person’s current
situation and symptoms, along with a description of
any pending major life changes. In addition, inquiry
was made about any physical symptoms, and, when
indicated, a complete medical examination was rec-
ommended. Finally, preliminary work was done to
396
establish contracts for change using a transactional
analysis model.
During the conclusion of the individual screening
session, the therapist communicated his expectations
regarding confidentiality, nonviolence, sobriety, au-
diotaping of sessions, and time and place of group
meetings. To help prepare group members for the
group experience, he gave a brief explanation of the
value of group therapy along with the usual three
stages in the development of a group (Yalom, 1970).
He then gave each member a list of issues related to
problems of coping with losses resulting from separa-
tion and divorce and asked each person to rank order
the concerns, as she or he had experienced them.
Those issues ranked highest by the participants were
depression, loneliness, making new friends, rejec-
tion, communication skills, learning how to enjoy
being single, guilt, support systems, saying goodbye,
and ending relationships. The facilitators designed
the weekly sessions to include most of the issues
identified in advance by the group members.
Ultimately, three men and four women partici-
pated in the group. They ranged in age from the early
20s to the late 40s.
AGENDA FOR NEW BEGINNINGS GROUP
SESSIONS
As a result of the pregroup work described above, the
following seven-session group format was devel-
oped. The first session opened with an introduction
and a “round” in which each person told his or her
name and completed the sentence stem, “One neat
thing about me is . . . ” Several business matters were
discussed. The facilitators identified some of their be-
liefs: It is OK to be single in a couples-oriented cul-
ture; loneliness is not the same as aloneness; the crisis
of divorce is an opportunity for growth; and women
and men are equal. At that point, the facilitators in-
vited group members to participate in several trust-
building exercises. Time was spent involving group
members in selecting issues for future sessions. Fi-
nally, group members were invited to see the group
as an opportunity for change via contracts for per-
sonal change.
During the second session, after experiencing sev-
eral warm-up exercises to build group cohesion,
group members learned about and discussed the
stages of coupling and uncoupling (Berne, 1961;
James & Savary, 1977; Kessler, 1975). They then es-
tablished individual contracts for self-change.
Session 3 began with a series of “rounds” in which
participants told their names and completed two sen-
tence stems: “Tonight I feel . . .” and “Tonight I need
. . . ” Group members were invited to participate in a
“Goodbye Fantasy Trip” to deal with unfinished
business related to losses of partner, self-esteem,
marriage, or career. This proved to be a very powerful
experience for some, as indicated by the discussion
that followed. To provide participants with a
homework activity designed to help them begin the
process of refilling the void that some experienced, a
“Pamper Yourself” handout was distributed (Col-
grove, Bloomfield, & McWilliams, 1976). Participants
were urged to take time to nurture themselves, espe-
cially during the following week.
The PERSONNEL AND GUIDANCE JOURNAL
 After beginning the fourth session with a feeling
round and a need round, the facilitators provided
group counseling regarding feelings of depression,
loneliness, rejection, and guilt. The group meeting
terminated with a brief stroking exercise designed to
rebuild self-esteem.
The facilitators found that the use of feeling and
need rounds at the beginning of each session was an
efficient and reliable way of assessing the moods and
needs of group participants. Thus, they began the
remaining sessions in the same manner.
Session 5 focused on support systems. Group
members enjoyed drawing a support systems circle, a
support system continuum, and a social atom (Put-
ney, 1976). A lively discussion took place after the
exercises concerning the difficulties involved with old
and new friendships.
The sixth session included a brief discussion of
what the participants had done during the previous
week to strengthen their support systems. Although
the facilitators had planned to emphasize com-
munications skills and assertiveness, a group deci-
sion was made to discuss dating and special relation-
ships in the context of learning how to enjoy being
single again.
The final group session included several exercises
to help group members bring closure to their group
experience. First, they were invited to fill out
anonymous written evaluations of their experience in
the group. Second, the facilitators described referral
resources for ongoing follow-up and, in some cases,
recommended that individuals continue their prog-
ress with different therapists. Participants were in-
vited to do an exercise for dealing with any un-
finished business and for making goodbyes to each
other and to the group. Finally, all enjoyed doing a
“Self I See, Self Others See” exercise in which each
person received written positive feedback about as-
pects of himself or herself which fellow group mem-
bers appreciated. The final exercise led in most cases
to positive closure of the experience in the New Be-
ginnings group.
CONCLUSION
Group participants evaluated the New Beginnings
group as a 5.6 on a value continuum, on which 1
indicated that the New Beginnings group was not at
FEBRUARY 1981
all helpful and 7 indicated that it was extremely help-
ful. Members reported that the group provided them
an opportunity to work through unfinished business
related to their divorces. Several people stated that
sharing common problems and realizing that others
felt similarly were two of the primary benefits of par-
ticipating in the group. Another value of the group
meetings was the support system which developed as
participants worked to reestablish their identities as
single persons.
Several researchers (Lewin, 1974; Lieberman,
Yalom, & Miles, 1973; Yalom, 1970) strongly espouse
the belief that most effective change for individuals
takes place in a group counseling situation in which
group members can experience and analyze their in-
teractions with others who are equals. According to
Yalom (1970) and Lieberman et al. (1973), a group
approach to counseling is more efficient in terms of
human energy, time, and cost.
We made several observations about the experi-
ence. First, an explanation of the states of coupling
and uncoupling during the second session seemed to
provide a cognitive framework for the group meet-
ings. Second, this framework seemed to aid in dis-
covering where group participants were in the proc-
ess of coping with loss of their partners. While some
were mourning, others who had already experienced
their own sadness worked on regaining their emo-
tional freedom and simultaneously provided support
for those who were still grieving. Third, the pain of
losses experienced by men and women as a result of
separation and divorce seemed to be eased through
effective group therapy.
University counseling center staffs have a unique
opportunity to provide a healing experience for clien-
tele suffering from the experience of loss. Students,
faculty, and staff who are lonely, frustrated, and
troubled because of separation and divorce are likely
to have difficulty studying and teaching. Group
counseling programs like the one described in this
article can be justified by the more efficient use of staff
time as well as by the assistance they provide group
members in coping with the losses of separation and
divorce. We believe that divorce groups with goals
and formats similar to the New Beginnings group
should be a regular part of programs offered by uni-
versity counseling centers.
397