ISSUE 82

DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING £5.99

DISCOVER

Limitless
possibilities
Is love at first sight just Why you should go beyond
a sweet dream? We your comfort zone
uncover the truth...

DO NOT
Lost for DISTURB
words? How to silence
phone-pinging
You don’t need anxiety
all the answers
to open up

Career
crossroads
Do you know when
it’s time to change gear?
“Love is friendship caught fire
LAURA HENDRICKS

Photograph | Pablo Heimplatz

 Can you feel
the love?
Your ‘heart skipping a beat’, ‘taking
your breath away’, ‘falling in love’ – the
linguistic imagery of romance is so often
about catching us by surprise, and taking
hold of our minds and bodies. but one day it might offer the smallest
of comforts. To know that the sorrow is
Feeling out of control can be daunting, a sign of the immeasurable difference
but embracing the uncomfortable, like someone made in your life. A love that
in our article on letting go of the limiting burns so deeply in your soul that the
nature of our comfort zones, can person is etched on your heart for the
provide us with room to grow in ways rest of time.
we never imagined.
One day, those tears of sadness
“I didn’t fall in love. I rose in it,” Toni might just become tears of joy at the
Morrison said, and it’s a refreshing memories you shared, and the moments
perspective. When we remove the you treasured together, as we explore
weight of unpredictability pulling us in our feature on supporting each other
down, we can instead see the power through joint grief.
of love to lift us up and take us to new
heights. I’ve no doubt that every one of us could
name someone we would give anything
In this special issue, we’re exploring to spend one more moment with.
the spectrum of relationships, from
investigating the reality of love at first So don’t wait for corporations to tell you
sight to uncovering how best to support that a certain date is for displaying love
loved ones following a diagnosis. We’re through cards and chocolate boxes – or
At Happiful, inclusivity,
asking how you can unplug from phone- that we should only celebrate romantic
representation, and creating
pinging anxiety and the pressure to be connections.
a happier, healthier society
constantly contactable, along with why
are at the forefront of
we may experience a fear of happiness – Whether you experienced the lightning
our mission. To find out
and how we can move past it. bolt of love at first sight, or the slow burn
more about our social and
of a friendship that becomes your true
environmental pledges,
Opening ourselves up to all aspects soulmate, take action. Tell your nearest
visit happiful.com/pledges
of relationships naturally touches on and dearest what they mean to you, and
loss, too. Grief is a reflection of love let the love in – in all
– a shattered fragment in a mirror. It its forms.
Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge

can be hard to recognise at the time,

W | happiful.com
because it feels so all-consuming, the Happy reading,
pain unfathomable, but this is an echo of F | happifulhq
how deeply we loved.
T | @happifulhq
Knowing this won’t stop the hurt, or REBECCA THAIR |
lessen the weight of it on our hearts, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF I | @happiful_magazine
A look inside
12 Decisions, decisions...
Struggling to make up your mind? You
could be stuck in decision paralysis

32 Step out of your comfort zone

And discover what this could teach you
about your dreams and desires

43 Eating disorders in adults

What specific challenges do they face
and why is research so limited?

61 Life with ASD

Navigating your needs while processing
a diagnosis of autism

67 It was love at first sight

Is this romantic trope ever true?

83 Explore your relationships

With this month’s journaling pages

67
Culture
7 Good news

11 The wellbeing wrap

31 This month’s good reads Relationships

54 You should try this... 38 A new ADHD diagnosis
Ways to really support a friend
whose child has ADHD

Food & health 46 Grieving together

40 Gut feelings How to be there for others when
Our expert explores gut health you’re grieving, too

56 The ultimate pancake recipe 51 Is ‘sorry’ the hardest word?

For Pancake Day and beyond Learn the key to the perfect apology

43
74 So, do they work? 58 Dealing with hen-do stress
Rounding up menopause products that Navigate the pressures that can come
actually do what they say on the tin with parties and celebrations
 Wellbeing
15 7 myths about Tourette’s
It’s time to break down some
common misconceptions
20 Not another notification...
Phone-pinging anxiety ends here
22 Is it time to go?
Signs it’s time to switch jobs
22
25 What’s going on inside
How to open up when you’re not sure
how you’re feeling
76
28 Chronic illness and FOMO
Michelle Elman explores tips for
handling a fear of missing out
76 Dealing with deadlines
Tips to keep cool under pressure
79 Do you fear happiness?
You could be experiencing
‘cherophobia’
Positive pointers
18 Five incredible eco initiatives
Get the next generation involved
37 Put your best foot forward
5 reasons to give reflexology a go
64 Dating yourself
Did you know taking time for you
could fuel your creativity?
70 Talk the talk
Our expert on how learning new
languages come with surprising perks
64
72 Could this be the secret
to clearing your mind?
Try this at home
36 Take a breath
50 Stop overthinking
*
78 Solve this issue’s puzzle
Expert
review
Every issue of Happiful is
reviewed by an accredited
counsellor, to ensure we
deliver the highest quality
content while handling
topics sensitively.
Typically, as human beings,
we function within a self-
created psychological space.
We find comfort in this
place, which feels familiar
as it connects with who we
are. But what happens when
we reach the edge of this
space? Head over to p32
to explore the benefits of
overcoming self-imposed
limits and boundaries,
and stepping out of your
comfort zone. Moving
beyond the familiar can be
scary, and this often puts
us off doing so. However,
by pushing past this barrier
we allow ourselves to grow,
and open ourselves up to
new experiences – further
enriching our lives.
RAV SEKHON
BA MA MBACP (Accred)
Rav is a counsellor and
psychotherapist with
more than 10 years'
experience.
Happiful Community NINA BRADSHAW Our team
BA (Hons) PGDip MBACP MNCPS
Meet the team of experts providing EDITORIAL
Nina is a psychodynamic
information, guidance, and insight psychotherapist and artist. Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief
throughout this issue Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor
Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers
ELIZABETH JAMIESON ELIZABETH DUNNE
Dip Couns MNCPS (Acc) MA DSFH Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Officer

Elizabeth is a counsellor Elizabeth is a solution- Michelle Elman, Elizabeth Dunne | Columnists

working with anxiety, focused hypnotherapist Ellen Lees | Head of Content
grief, and midlife issues. and psychotherapist. Natalie Holmes | Sub-Editor
Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

SOULMAZ BASHIRINIA CECILE HEMERY ART & DESIGN

BSc MA MBACP Cert MiM CPC Dip CBH ICF PCC Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product & Marketing
Soulmaz is a Cecile is a career and Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead
psychotherapist executive coach helping Rosan Magar | Illustrator
and social worker. leaders feel empowered.
COMMUNICATIONS
Alice Greedus | PR Manager
LOUISE BROWN FIONA MCALISTER Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator
BA MSc PGCert PGDip MNCPS BA (Hons) PGDip CertCouns

Louise is a queer, Fiona is an integrative CONTRIBUTORS

neurodivergent therapist trauma-informed Fiona Fletcher Reid, Hayley Doyle,
psychotherapist. Caroline Butterwick, Susan Adair, Hannah Bradfield,
working online.
Katie Scott, Lucy Harris, Sian Meades-Williams,
Emily Wilson, Suzanne Baum, Tanith Carey

JENNIFER DEACON MARINA SABOLOVA SPECIAL THANKS

Marina Sabolova, Fiona McAlister, Cecile Hemery,
MBACP BSc (Hons) MSc
Dana Chapman, Elizabeth Jamieson, Louise Brown,
Jennifer Deacon is a Marina is a psychotherapeutic Nina Bradshaw, Jennifer Deacon, Nina Jellinek,
counsellor with a special counsellor helping clients Soulmaz Bashirinia, Keith Howitt, Georgina Sturmer
interest in eco-anxiety. make meaningful change.
MANAGEMENT
Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
Emma Hursey | Director & Co-Founder
DANA CHAPMAN GEORGINA STURMER Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
BSc (Hons) mBANT mCNHC BA (Hons) MBACP

Dana is a nutritional therapist Georgina is an integrative SUBSCRIPTIONS

specialising in the counsellor helping clients For new orders and back orders, visit
gut-brain axis. create a more confident life. shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on
+44 (0)1227 277 248 or email
subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

NINA JELLINEK LUCY HARRIS CONTACT

PGDip PGCert MNCPS DipION mBANT CNHC Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building B,
Nina is an adult and young Lucy is a nutritional therapist Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL
person’s counsellor, and a and health coach specialising Email us at hello@happiful.com
counselling supervisor. in gut health.
HAPPIFUL FAMILY
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The Uplift
ENVIRONMENT

Derby school
takes a stand
against plastic
It’s estimated that around 13 million
plastic bottles are used in the UK
each year, but now one school in
Derby is taking a stand against
single-use waste.
Alvaston Moor Academy, a
secondary school in Derby with
880 students, has provided every
pupil with their own reusable
water bottle, in a move to save an
estimated one million plastic bottles
a year from landfill. The school no
longer allows the sale of bottled
drinks and, instead, has installed
hydration stations where students Middleton. “Now we have these crockery, more sustainable sourcing
are able to refill their bottles with hydration stations, they are a lot of ingredients, and sending food
water for free. better for people.” waste to be composted.”
As well as the environmental “Our impact on the environment When thinking about habits
impact, the move is predicted to will be greatly improved by reducing we can build to create a more
have an effect on the overall health our plastic waste so drastically,” adds sustainable future, it makes sense
and wellbeing of students. Nathan Jeremiah, chief operating to involve the next generation – and
“A lot of people weren’t drinking officer at Archway Learning Trust, moves like this will have long-lasting
water because they were having which runs the school. “We’re also effects to carry us forward to a
to buy it, but now they can just introducing other measures, such greener planet.
get it,” says year 11 student Lucy as the use of reusable cutlery and Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 7
8 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
KIDS

Adventurous
children are more
active, study finds
Children with parents who allow them to
take more risks while playing are more
likely to reach the recommended levels
of exercise, a new study by Coventry
University has found.
In research involving 645 parents across
Australia, it was found that 78% of them
didn’t like their children to take risks while
playing, and would limit activities such as
climbing trees, riding bikes fast down hills,
and play-fighting with others.
However, the study revealed that children
of parents with more relaxed attitudes
towards adventurous play were around
three times more likely to meet the
Australian and UK’s guidelines to get in an
hour a day of ‘huff and puff’ exercise.
“Obviously, parents don’t want to see
their children pick up serious injuries,
but evidence suggests most play injuries
are minor, and the potential rewards of
risk experiences are great,” says Alethea
Jerebine, a postgraduate researcher
at Coventry University. “We know that
through taking risks when they play,
children learn about what they can
and can’t do, build confidence and
independence, as well as learn to manage
risk and keep themselves safe.
“It’s important for children to develop
their understanding of risk from an early
age, and build these skills incrementally.
We don’t want children to grow up and the
first time they’re exposed to risk is when
they learn to drive, for example.”
The study is a reminder of the
importance of embracing adventure and
trying new things. And with the health
benefits so apparent, a few small scrapes
along the way seems like a fair exchange.
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 9
 WELLBEING
Variety could be used as a tool
for greater wellbeing
They say that variety is the spice
of life and, now, a study by
researchers from the University
Psychiatric Clinics Basel, in
Switzerland, has found that the
more varied locations someone
visits, the better their emotional
and psychological wellbeing – even
if their mental health problems are
still there.
The study involved 106 patients
with mental health conditions,
including anxiety, mood, and
personality disorders, among
others, with a combination of
inpatients and outpatients living at
home with regular care.
For the duration of a week, the
patients carried a phone that
HEALTH
We’ve reached a pivotal moment in the fight against HIV
For the first time in the UK,
at-home rapid HIV tests are
available to pick up in the
supermarket, marking a
momentous achievement in both
HIV testing and stigma reduction.
The tests, created by
Newfoundland Diagnostics and
available in Tesco, provide results
in just 15 minutes with more than
99% accuracy, and come at a time
when recent UK Health Security
Agency data suggests that HIV
rates among heterosexual
individuals are growing for the
first time in a decade.
10 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
tracked their movements with
GPS. They also completed surveys
on their subjective wellbeing,
their psychological flexibility, and
their mental health symptoms.
What the researchers found
was that greater movement
appeared to coincide with a
greater sense of wellbeing, even
though the patients’ symptoms
remained consistent. They also
found a link between movement
and emotional wellbeing and
psychological flexibility.
While the study didn’t find that
variety led to an improvement
in mental health problems, it
did have connections to overall
wellbeing. So, take this as your
That said, according to data
from the UN, global new HIV
infections have reduced by 59%
since they peaked in 1995, and
in the UK the latest estimate
suggests that there are 105,200
people living with HIV – with an
estimated 94% of these people
diagnosed and aware that they
have HIV.
“Today marks a pivotal moment
in the fight against HIV,” says
Frederick Manduca, co-founder
of Newfoundland Diagnostics,
speaking of the launch of the
at-home rapid tests. “By making
sign to try to incorporate a bit
more variety into your own life.
Whether it’s taking the scenic
route on your travels or visiting a
new place in your local area, this
small change could have a large
impact on your mindset.
HIV tests easily accessible as
part of routine shopping, our
goal is to equip Brits with the
necessary tools to identify
and manage transmission
risks, while encouraging
conversations around HIV
by placing tests on our
supermarket shelves.
“Our at-home rapid HIV test
aims to increase awareness of
HIV among vulnerable groups
and help to eradicate stigma, all
in the hopes of fostering a more
informed society.”
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
 The
wellbeing
wrap
WATCH THIS SPACE
Shaking up our energy sources is a
key conversation, but one concept
taking it to the stratosphere is
Oxfordshire-based firm Space
Solar, with a ‘space farm’ project
aiming to take off by 2035.
A study from
University College Featuring a 2km-long farm of solar
London suggests panels orbiting the Earth, the idea is
that those who these would beam energy back to
take daytime the ground much like mobile phone
naps, could have
bigger brains signals. Might the final frontier save
our planet?
One of a kind
Kindness is truly a
superpower, and now it’s
being recognised. Sebbie
Hall, 20, performed an
Portugal ran on
100% renewable act of kindness every day
energy for throughout the pandemic
nearly six days – and helped 450 families
straight, cutting in the process. On World
consumer bills in
Kindness Day, a statue
the process!
(made from recycled
materials) was unveiled
in his honour at Tower
Bridge, London, but will
be permanently housed
at The Hub in Lichfield.
Having a rare chromosome
A world-first
anomaly which impacts
whole eyeball
his communication, Sebby
transplant was
completed on a views acts of kindness as
military veteran a way to give back and
in New York acknowledge the help he
received. He really is an
everyday superhero.
Anastrozole, a drug used in
breast cancer treatment, has just
been approved in England for
preventative purposes too! This
is hugely welcome news, with
NASA has recent research finding that the
succeeded
drug, which is off-patent and can
in sending
and receiving therefore be produced for around
communications 4p per day per user, could reduce
over 10 million breast cancer occurrence by 50%
miles via laser, for in moderate to high-risk post-
the first time
menopausal women.
Let the good times bowl!
Feeling isolated can be a terrible thing, but an award-
winning tenpin bowling team from Swindon is making
a striking difference. Supporting those who are blind or
partially sighted, the Swindon Bats compete in the British
Blind Sport UK League, providing a great chance for
players – and their guide dogs – to unite for some fun. It
recently won the BBC Wiltshire’s Together award, which
recognises those creating real change “by breaking down
barriers and bringing together people from different walks
of life for a common cause”, highlighting what a positive
difference the team is making.
MEDICAL MARVEL Surprise, surprise
Blood tests for Keep it secret, keep it safe
Alzheimer’s could – for a little while at least.
be five years away! That’s according to research
The Blood Biomarker from Columbia University
Challenge, a suggesting that staying
collaboration between tight-lipped about your good
several organisations, news initially can make you
including the
feel more energised! The
Alzheimer’s Society, buzz of revealing your special
Alzheimer’s Research
announcement could be to
UK, and the National
thank, so shh (for now)...
Institute for Health
and Care Research,
A long-lost, egg-laying mammal,
will search for
known as Attenborough’s
specific brain proteins
long-beaked echidna, has been
which can signal the
photographed in Indonesia. Prior
disease, years before
to this, it hadn’t been seen for
symptoms present.
60 years, until the team from
Are you guilty of using Oxford University camped out
corporate jargon? While it’s in the tropical forest for four
easy to slip into the habit weeks, waiting for a sighting.
of using business lingo, a
survey by Entrepreneur
magazine has revealed the THE RIGHT NOTE
phrases that most grind Music may be the food
people’s gears. The of love, but it’s also known to
worst offender? ‘Circle evoke other emotions, too. Now,
back’, followed by research from the British Academy of
‘work hard, play hard’, Sound Therapy (BAST) has confirmed
and ‘boots on the the amount of listening time needed to
ground’. Perhaps it’s
achieve this. For relaxation, 13 minutes of
time to ditch the work lyricless, slow tempo tunes should work
talk, and stick to some some magic. While just nine minutes
authentic conversation
of fast tempo, positive lyrics, and
instead. a driving rhythm can uplift
you. Play on...
 Decision time…
IT?
Do you find it hard to make up your mind about almost
everything? Do you spend far too long weighing up your
options? Then you could be suffering from decision paralysis
W
hether it’s choosing
the size of your
morning coffee,
swiping through dating profiles,
or considering whether to
accept a big promotion at work,
we’re presented with thousands
of choices every day.
Considering all the options
before you make any decision
is sensible, and often happens
quickly, without too much
thought. But what if you spend
so much time weighing up the
possibilities, in so much detail,
that you’re actually unable to
decide at all?
This loop of overthinking is
called decision paralysis, and
although it might seem like
an insignificant problem, or a
slightly irritating personality
quirk, it might be having
a greater impact on your
wellbeing than you realise.
Although ruminating on an
important decision may present
as a solely psychological issue,
if taken too far it can lead to
shallow breathing, insomnia,
fatigue, sweating, and a general
inability to focus. Long term,
overthinking can lead to
12 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
OR IS
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
more serious mental health
conditions, and impact your
capacity to deal with everyday
stress.
What causes decision
paralysis?
Several factors play a role in
decision paralysis. Firstly,
sometimes there genuinely are
just too many options to choose
from! With Google at your
fingertips, it’s no wonder it takes
you three days to order a new lip
balm when there are 10 million
search results to sift through.
There is also the fear of
failure, regret, or making
a mistake that could have
serious consequences on
your work or personal life, as
well as personality traits like
perfectionism and people-
pleasing. Different childhood
environments can exacerbate
the problem, too.
For example, if you were
raised by overly-critical
caregivers, or experienced
childhood trauma, then your
worldview may be tainted by an
underlying belief that the world
is a scary place, culminating
in a lack of trust in your own
abilities.
Because attention deficit
hyperactivity disorder (ADHD),
anxiety, and depression affect
the brain’s executive function,
decision paralysis can be more
common for individuals with
these conditions. If you think
decision paralysis is a symptom of
another condition, it’s important
to talk to your GP.
Talk to someone you trust
You know that thing where you
talk through a problem with a
friend, and before you’ve even
finished explaining it, you’ve
realised what the solution is?
Verbalising your options to a
trusted pal can make the world
of difference when you are stuck
in decision paralysis.
Just make sure you’re upfront
about exactly the kind of support
you’re looking for. Perhaps you
need a sounding board, help
to make a list of pros and cons,
or maybe you’re open to their
advice because they have specific
knowledge or experience that can
offer a fresh perspective. This is
also an opportunity to get honest
With Google at your
fingertips, it’s no wonder it
takes you three days to order
a new lip balm when there
are 10 million search results
to sift through

about the potential worst-case

scenarios associated with your
final decision. Can they support
you, or help you make a plan if
things do take an unexpected turn?

Try therapeutic journaling

One technique that I love to use
as part of my decision-making
process is a journaling technique
that allows me to imagine the
potential outcome of each option
on the table. Here’s how it works,
using my personal example of
choosing whether to move in
with a friend or live alone:

1. Start by narrowing down

your options to a maximum
of three to choose from.

2. Then, imagine yourself in the

future living out the changes
that have happened as a result
of one of these options.

3. The trick is to journal in the

present tense, for example:
“I have just moved in with my
best friend. We spend most
nights cooking and eating
together, our house is warm
and cosy.” >>>

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 13
 4. Be honest with yourself
about the experience,
noting down any obstacles
or uncomfortable moments,
such as: “We don’t socialise
together as much as we
used to, our friendship has
changed, and it means I feel
left out sometimes when
she goes out with her work
colleagues.”
5. Bring as many sensory
elements to your writing
as you can, imagining
the smells, tastes, sights,
sounds, and textures in your
potential future. This can tap
into your intuition, and may
elicit a ‘gut feeling’ about
your decision.
6. Repeat this process for the
other options available and
compare the results to get
clarity.
Embrace the unknown
As much as we like to think we
can control every minute detail
of our lives, the truth is that even
the easiest decisions can lead
to unexpected outcomes. Once
you have settled on a decision,
don’t ignore the very real anxiety
that exists in your body. Dr
Avigail Lev, psychotherapist
14 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
and founder/director at the Bay
Area CBT Center, in California,
suggests connecting with the
body to release the discomfort
associated with uncertainty.
“Engage in vagus nerve
activation exercises like
humming, sighing, or shaking
parts of your body to dispel
anxiety,” Dr Lev says. “Also,
explore somatic experiencing,
[which is an approach] where
you pinpoint where anxiety
is most intense in your body.
Describe the sensation
physically, considering its
colour, shape, movement,
and texture. Continuously
rate the distress level from 0
to 100%, and observe it non-
judgmentally.”
Show yourself kindness
When contradictory thoughts
appear, Dr Lev suggests
challenging them by “placing
your hand on your heart,
taking diaphragmatic breaths,
performing grounding and
mindfulness exercises,
practising progressive muscle
relaxation, and employing
defusion techniques [a way
of detangling thoughts from
feelings] to distance yourself
from challenging thoughts. This
might involve thanking your
mind for a difficult thought, or
visualising placing such thoughts
on passing clouds or leaves.”
Many of us hold ourselves to
such high expectations that
the prospect of making a bad
decision is often linked to
feelings of low self-esteem. Over
time, try to get comfortable
with the idea that mistakes are a
normal part of being human. As
you practise making decisions,
repeat the affirmation ‘May I
learn from my mistakes’ or ‘My
decisions are always the right
ones for me’, and then see how
it feels.
If decision paralysis is affecting
your mental health, don’t
let the thoughts spiral out of
control. Open up to a friend,
write it down, and remember
that getting comfortable with
uncertainty is a process that
you might find easier with the
support of a trained therapist
or counsellor. Take it one little
decision at a time, and be proud
of yourself for moving forward
at your own pace.
Fiona Fletcher Reid is a freelance
writer and author, whose book,
‘Work It Out’ is available now
(Welbeck Balance, £9.99). Visit
fionalikestoblog.com for more.
 wellbeing

7 myths about
Tourette’s
syndrome It’s time to break down these common
misconceptions about Tourette’s syndrome, for good
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

M
“ y first encounter with
Tourette’s syndrome
(TS) was through
a movie featuring severe
swearing, leaving a lasting
impression,” Marina Sabolova,
a psychotherapeutic counsellor,
shares. “A few years ago, when
my four-year-old son began
blinking excessively, I initially
attributed it to a foreign object
in his eye. Concerned, I sought
an optician’s evaluation, only to
find his eyes in perfect condition.
Alarmed, I turned to Google and,
upon discovering the possibility
of TS, was devastated, fearing he
might develop coprolalia – the
involuntary and repetitive use of
obscene language.
“Professional training allowed
me to work with children with
TS, altering my perspective,” she
continues. “Open conversations
at home have brought acceptance
and calmness, emphasising the
importance of education and
awareness.”
According to the charity
Tourettes Action, TS affects more
than 300,000 children and adults
in the UK, and yet it’s often
shrouded in misconceptions
and stigma. A neurological
condition that is characterised
by repetitive, involuntary
movements and vocalisations,
known as ‘tics’, precisely how TS
may affect an individual varies
from person to person – but a
study published in the journal
Adolescent Health, Medicine and
Therapeutics found that TS was
associated with “significant
stigmatisation and poor self-
perception in a significant
number of cases”.
“Debunking myths is crucial to
combating stigma and fostering
understanding,” Marina adds.
“Sharing experiences with
local families and learning
from others have transformed
my outlook, making me a
more composed parent.
Understanding that individuals
with TS can lead successful lives
emphasises the need to challenge
misconceptions and promote
empathy.” >>>

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 15
 Here, we’re breaking down
seven common myths about TS.
MYTH: ONLY BOYS
AND MEN ARE AFFECTED
“Historically, it has been
suggested that Tourette’s
syndrome is three to four times
more common in males than
females,” says Marina. “However,
more recent research has
indicated that the gender gap
may not be as large as previously
thought.”
A 2008 study from the University
at Buffalo, New York, found that
while TS tends to be more severe
in boys than girls, in adulthood
it appears to be more severe in
women than men, and this link
16 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
BLAME OFTEN
ACCOMPANIES A LACK
OF UNDERSTANDING
was later also observed in a 2015
study published in European
Psychiatry, which found that the
severity of tics improved with age
in boys and men, but worsened
in girls and women. So, while
childhood TS does appear to be
more common in boys than in
girls, it’s important to recognise
that the condition can affect
people regardless of their gender.
MYTH: TS CAUSES
YOU TO SWEAR
“Myths such as that all
individuals with the condition
engage in inappropriate
language (coprolalia) still
persist,” says Marina. “The
truth is that coprolalia is rare,
with most TS individuals
exhibiting different types of
tics.”

According to the NHS, swearing
only affects about one in 10 people
with TS. Other examples of vocal tics
include grunting, throat clearing,
whistling, coughing, tongue
clicking, saying random words and
phrases, and repeating a sound,
word, or phrase. Some people may
also experience physical tics, which
can include blinking, eye-rolling,
grimacing, shrugging, jerking of the
limbs, jumping, or touching objects.
MYTH: TICS ARE
INTENTIONAL
Marina highlights the
misconception that tics are
intentional and controllable. “In
reality, tics are involuntary, and
attempts to suppress them can lead
to increased tension, exacerbating
their manifestation,” she explains.
People with TS are likely
to experience ‘premonitory
sensations’, which are strong
urges that happen before a tic –
sometimes compared to the feeling
you get before you sneeze. The
sensation is only relieved after the
tic has been carried out – and so,
while some people may be able to
control their tics for a short period
of time, this can become very tiring
and result in a worse manifestation
the longer they hold out.
MYTH: TICS ARE
DISRUPTIVE
“Not all tics are conspicuous
or disruptive, challenging the
belief that TS always manifests
prominently,” Marina explains. “The
varying intensity of tics allows some
individuals with TS to effectively
manage their symptoms.”
There are many tics that may
go unnoticed by the majority of
observers. Additionally, tics may
become less noticeable when
the individual is working on an
activity that involves a high level
of concentration – such as reading
a good book, or taking part in
sports and exercise.
MYTH: TS IS A RESULT
OF BAD PARENTING
Perhaps related to the
misconception that TS always
involves swearing is the myth
that the condition is linked to bad
parenting – but that isn’t the case.
“Blame often accompanies a
lack of understanding, with the
false notion that TS results from
psychological factors or poor
parenting,” Marina says. “In
truth, TS is a genetic neurological
disorder, not linked to parenting
or psychological causes.”
The exact cause of TS isn’t fully
understood, though because of the
genetic element, a family history
of TS can be a risk factor in a child
developing the condition.
MYTH: ALL PEOPLE
GROW OUT OF TS
“Tourette’s syndrome is not
limited to children; it can affect
individuals of all ages,” Marina
says. “While symptoms often
appear in childhood (typically
between the ages of two and 15),
they can persist into adulthood.
In some cases, symptoms may
become milder or less frequent in
adulthood, while in others, they
may persist.”
There is currently no cure for
TS, and the majority of children
do not need treatment. However,
in the cases where they do, or
when it persists into adulthood,
wellbeing
Marina Sabolova is a psychotherapeutic
counsellor. Visit the Counselling
Directory to find out more.
a combination of therapy and
medication can be used.
MYTH: TS IS LINKED TO
LEARNING DISABILITIES
A learning disability is a condition
that can limit cognitive ability.
While some children may find
that TS can have an impact on
their education, it is not true
that TS is itself an intellectual
disability.
“Dispelling the myth that people
with TS have learning disabilities
is crucial,” Marina explains.
“While some may have associated
conditions, TS itself doesn’t
necessarily impact cognitive
abilities.”
Instead, TS is linked to
other mood and behavioural
conditions such as ADHD and
OCD. Anxiety and depression
can also be common and,
sadly, a 2021 study published
in Child Psychiatry & Human
Development found that children
with TS report experiencing
being treated differently by
teachers and other adults, and
bullying is common among
peers. For this reason, and more,
dispelling myths and promoting
understanding of the condition
is vital.
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 17
 A LESSON IN
SUSTAINABILITY Five game-changing eco initiatives to inspire youngsters
O
ur ‘legacy’ is so often
synonymous with
leaving the world a little
better than we found it, but with
the climate conversation, and
the impact of human activities a
constant shadow in many of our
minds, this can feel like a failing
mission.
While it shouldn’t fall onto the
shoulders of our descendants to
repair the damage done to Mother
Earth, the fact that so many of
the next generation are already
fighting so passionately for our
planet’s survival is welcome news.
From activists like Greta Thunberg,
to Leah Namugerwa, if young
adults and childen are our future,
they offer a lot of hope that lessons
have been learned from mistakes of
the past, and won’t be made again.
18 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
Writing | Rebecca Thair
And the desire to engage with and sharing practical ways
climate change issues is clearly youngsters can get involved in
there, with the charity Global green projects, is something that
Action Plan reporting that 91% all of us can do. Here are five
of UK youngsters would like to activities and ideas to explore with
see their school doing more. But kids, as the next generation of
instilling awareness, education, environmentalists awakens.
GET GREEN FINGERED
Not only is gardening a mindful activity that can boost our self-esteem
and sense of accomplishment, but it’s also a great way to open up
conversations with children about the environment. Learning how to
grow plants or vegetables – whether in your own patch in the garden, or
in pots on the windowsill – and their life cycles can be really valuable.
Practical experience grounds the lessons, while the ongoing need to
tend to the seedlings also encourages responsibility. They may even be
inspired to start a gardening club at school!
Leafy greens, carrots, and tomatoes are all good options for beginners to
grow, and have the added benefit of allowing them to appreciate the fruits
(or vegetables) of their labour on their plate later.
 positive pointers

GO ‘PLALKING’
Based on the Swedish concept
of ‘plogging’ (picking litter while
jogging), give your next walk a
mission by encouraging children
to litter-pick along the way. Ensure
you have appropriate safety
equipment (bags, perhaps gloves,
or pickers if needed), and set out
in the fresh air – you could even
make it a competition by keeping
count of how much rubbish each
person has collected.
An activity like this gives them
a sense of active participation in
helping the planet, while teaching
them about being responsible
with waste, too. If they really
enjoy it, you might want to join
an organised beach clean or other
group event in future!

COLLECT RAINWATER CALCULATE YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT

Teaching children about
conservation through the simple
act of collecting and utilising
rainwater for your garden can
be really beneficial, enabling
you to have conversations about
reducing waste water, and
flooding, for example, when
excess water has nowhere to go.
For those with limited space,
leaving a watering can out on a
balcony or patio can be effective,
or you may want to make it a
bigger project for those with
gardens by setting up a rain
barrel. For the latter, this can be
set up so that your gutters feed
straight into it, but collecting rain
as it falls from the sky will still be
effective.
Using an online calculator (such as footprint.wwf.org.uk or one designed
specifically for kids on 8billiontrees.com), explore their personal carbon
footprint, talking through what this means, and what contributes to this.
You can then get them to try journaling some ideas on simple swaps and
changes they can make to their routine to reduce this. They may even be
inspired to make recommendations for you, too!
To keep up the momentum, you could make it a game by pledging to
reduce your footprint by a certain percentage, or to abide by a list of
changes and see who does the best.
SCHEDULE ENERGY-FREE TIME
This might seem near-impossible in today’s world, but encourage
youngsters to devote a particular part of their week (perhaps a morning,
or a full day if they’re ambitious) to going energy-free. This can mean no
screens, lights, phones, or games consoles, and doing so can really make
them more conscious of all the things they interact with on a daily basis
that require power, to reduce this moving forward. And, you might find
they discover a new passion or hobby by thinking outside the box for
some energy-free activities.

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 19
 How to deal with
phone-pinging anxiety
If the build-up of notifications on your phone is another thing adding
to your mental load, use these tips to take back control
H
ave you ever tried to stop
pandering to your phone?
Switching it to silent
mode. Setting timers. Leaving it in
the other room, on purpose. It’s a
good effort but, let’s face it, who
are we kidding? Once you glimpse
a flash on that screen, you’re toast.
You tell yourself, it won’t be
anything important, just another
mildly amusing meme from your
cousin on the family WhatsApp
group. Or the school parents
chat, pinging with questions
about the forthcoming bake sale.
But, wait. What if the message is
urgent? It could be your friend,
the one who’s struggling. Has
there been an accident? You race
to your device… Oh, great. You’ve
been added to a new group chat.
Another digital conversation with
crossed wires and pressure to ‘do
stuff’. Hello, anxiety!
Our phones, and apps like
WhatsApp, do a lot of good.
They have, however, also created
an overwhelming workload.
Responding to messages can
feel like a full-time job. Getting
from A to B on daily tasks has
become increasingly impossible
with this stop-start motion. And
if you’re built with the willpower
to reply later, forget Netflix. You
20 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
Writing | Hayley Doyle
can look forward to an evening
overshadowed by message admin.
But why do we torture ourselves?
What is WhatsApp’s power?
Psychotherapist Fiona McAlister
says that interactions such as
WhatsApp messages provide
a quick sense of belonging
and validation. “In addition to
generating dopamine, even brief or
superficial conversations release
oxytocin, the bonding hormone,
fostering a satisfying connection.
In our fast-paced world, these
momentary connections act
as social ‘snacks’, temporarily
fulfilling our need for interaction.”
Fiona also warns that those with
‘people-pleasing’ tendencies might
feel an urge to frequently check
and respond to messages. “This
might also affect those who fear
isolation and loneliness,” she adds.
So how can we maximise
WhatsApp’s advantages, while
minimising the stress?
A little honesty
Face your fears. Tell your friends
and family you won’t always
respond to every “haha” and “OK”.
The crying-laughing emoji gets
overused, right? Even tapping a
thumbs-up pulls you out of your
current reality and into the digital
headspace. You won’t ignore
important questions, but be
clear about the boundary you’re
creating, which stops before
tapping a heart every time they
share a fancy recipe or a daft joke.
Mark as unread
Yes, you can do this on WhatsApp.
On an iPhone, if you have read the
message but can’t reply until later,
swipe to the right and a blue circle
will appear. If you’re an Android
user, hold the chat down and tap
the three dots in the top right
corner of the screen, then simply
mark it as unread. Once you read
this message again, the circle will
disappear. If you need more time,
repeat the swipe to the right and
tap as unread once more.
Remember to talk
When we type, we pause whatever
we’re doing. And this pause can
be long. We type, then delete,
then rephrase. Stress levels rise.
So why not just call? Information
can be communicated much more
efficiently when spoken. A real
conversation gives you what you
need much more instantly than an
‘instant’ message. Plus, you’ll have
engaged in some much-needed
human connection.
 wellbeing

“These momentary Fiona McAlister is an

integrative trauma-informed

connections act psychotherapist. Visit the

Counselling Directory
for more .
as social ‘snacks’,
temporarily fulfilling Take a moment
Our phones can be like bullies!
Group messaging might unsettle
our need for interaction users, because not everybody
wants to respond or engage with
the chat. Fear of missing out can
kick in and result in you sending
a message, under pressure. Then,
fear of rejection gets you. You
realise you were the last person
to message and nobody has
responded. Now you fear you’re
being judged. Was I too harsh?
Not funny? It’s a lot. A group chat
is not a real conversation. There
are no facial expressions to see,
or tones of voice to hear. So just
breathe. You might resist typing
and be relieved later.

It’s better one-on-one

Turning off notifications won’t
help much because when you
return to the app and see 68 new
messages, your anxiety is likely
to go into overdrive. So instead of
jumping back into group chats,
reach out to one person. Talk or
text, but let the chat unfold one-
on-one so it’s clear and linear. This
will soften your mental chatter.
It can be socially awkward to
leave the group chat altogether.
While it might be easy to exit the
holiday group if you can’t actually
make it to the trip away, it’s much
more complicated to leave your
besties or family. A private chat,
away from all the noise, might do
you good.

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 21
 Role up?
How to know if it’s time to change jobs
D
o you find yourself
scrolling through
job ads, wondering
whether it’s time to try
something new? Or are you torn
between the desire to change
careers versus worried about
losing the security and stability
of your current role?
Whether it’s looking for a
promotion in the area you
currently work in, or making
the leap into the unknown with
a new career entirely, changing
jobs can be both exciting and
stressful. So how can you know
when it’s the right time to start
looking for a new job?
SIGNS THAT IT’S TIME
FOR A CHANGE
“Some signs that might come
up are feeling disengaged with
your job, or finding yourself
procrastinating on things that
you used to take pleasure in,”
explains career and executive
coach Cecile Hemery. “Feeling
frustrated about people and little
things might be a sign that what
you’re actually frustrated about
is being there. Finally, if you’re
stagnating in your role, and have
been in it for years without a
22 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
Writing | Caroline Butterwick
promotion, it might be time to
explore elsewhere.”
So, take some time for
reflection. When you think about
your current job, what emotions
come to mind? Do you regularly
dread going to the office? Do you
find it constantly boring, or that
it doesn’t utilise your skills, or
give you a chance to grow?
SHOULD I STAY
OR SHOULD I GO?
“When you’re unhappy in a role,
it’s important to reflect on what
the root causes are, and try to
address them,” Cecile says. “You
don’t want to start a new job
bringing that weight with you.
‘Starting fresh’ is different from
‘running from’.”
If we’re feeling dissatisfied with
our current job, it doesn’t always
mean we should look elsewhere.
Sometimes there are things we
can do to resolve any issues.
Cecile explains: “In large
companies, there are often
opportunities to change roles, to
work in a different department
and to try out a new role. In
smaller companies, this might not
be a possibility. In these cases, it
could be helpful to reflect on what
the issue is: is it the role that is not
interesting anymore? Or do you
have some disagreements with
management? It might be helpful
to talk about them. Sometimes,
my clients hold a grudge over
something they actually never
asked for, and once they did, they
got it.”
If you have a supportive line
manager, you could chat to them
about ways you can grow in
your current role, or see if they
have any advice for progressing
in your company. Having this
conversation can help you fully
understand your options, and
realise whether staying put is
the best option for now, or if you
should start searching elsewhere.
THE PROS AND CONS
OF CHANGING JOB
Changing jobs can be brilliant,
but it comes with a level of risk.
“Even after a thorough interview
process, you can never be entirely
sure what you’re getting. There
is a risk it might not be what you
thought it would be,” advises
Cecile. “Sadly, it happens. And a
new job comes with a probation
period that can leave you stranded
if it’s not working out.” >>>
 wellbeing

‘STARTING FRESH’
IS DIFFERENT FROM
‘RUNNING FROM’

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 23
Try these four steps:
• Reflect on how you feel about your current role and workplace.

• Unhappy? Unfulfilled? Dig into why.

• Consider if there are ways to change/improve/fix this ‘why’

where you are. If not, it could be worth looking elsewhere.
If there are, speak to your manager to explore development
opportunities, or to discuss concerns.

• If you decide to move on, take your time (and really consider
what would be most important and improve your feelings
about work in your next role).

Of course, a new job can often
be a wonderful opportunity.
“A change of scenery can be
very beneficial for your mental
health,” Cecile explains. “It’s an
opportunity to meet new people,
to learn new things, and also
to create new habits in your
life.” You may find that a new
job allows you to explore your
interests, utilise more of your
skills, and do something that
you enjoy, in ways your previous
employment didn’t.
DECIDING WHAT’S
RIGHT FOR YOU
“I don’t think looking for a new
job is ever bad; keeping tabs
on opportunities is healthy,”
says Cecile. “In any case, good
questions to consider are: is my
job actually supporting my life?
If you have family obligations,
for example, you might want
a job that gives you that space.
Another aspect to consider is
whether this is supporting you
in your professional growth.
What are you learning in your
role? What connections are you
making? If you don’t have a
long-term goal quite defined yet,
it’s still a good idea to think it
through in terms of what you’re
learning. Especially early on in
your career, acquiring new skills
and experience will benefit you
down the road.”
Cecile explains that a new
job is an occasion to reassess
what you want in your life, and
whether your job fits with that
vision. “Maybe you’d like to
travel more, be close to your
family, or maybe you have
financial obligations,” she
says. “Figure out what are the
important things in your life,
and how that impacts your job
options.”
It’s also good to consider the
specifics of the role itself, and
how this relates to your life
goals. “Think about what new
skills or knowledge it’s bringing
you, and how excited you are
about those responsibilities,”
says Cecile. “Think also about
company culture. What values
should the company embody?
What working environment
suits you best? What type of
manager and colleagues do
you want to work with? What
kind of impact do you want to
have? And of course, there is
compensation, as a new job is
an opportunity to increase your
income or have better benefits.”
Speaking to a career coach or
someone who works in your field
can also be helpful for figuring
out what’s best for you. Just
remember, changing jobs can be
a big decision, so take your time
and think through your options.
Whatever you decide, make sure
your job is working for you.
Cecile Hemery is a career and
executive coach, helping people
regain confidence and clarity in
their careers. Find her profile on
the Life Coach Directory.

24 | Issue 82 | happiful.com

Lost for words
How to open up when you don’t know what you’re feeling
Y
our inner world can be
an intense place to live.
Whether it’s worrying
about the future, ruminating on
the past, or feeling stuck where
you are, it’s easy to get so caught
up in your own thoughts that you
shut everyone out, even when you
suspect that opening up might
ease your pain.
Mental health advice is often
centred around the idea that it’s
good to talk about your emotions.
But how can you verbalise your
feelings when you haven’t really
figured out what they are?
Why are emotions so hard
to put into words?
As difficult as it is to accept,
emotions don’t manifest in the
ways we’re conditioned to expect.
In the same way that the word
‘blue’ is an umbrella term for
thousands of different hues,
emotions can’t be easily separated
and defined.
“We don’t all feel the same
feelings in the same way,”
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
counsellor Georgina Sturmer
explains. “Your version of anxious
or angry might feel different from
my version of anxious or angry.
We sense our feelings in our
bodies and minds in distinct and
individual ways.”
To further complicate things, it’s
common to hold contradictory
emotions at the same time. For
example, when you break up with
your partner you may experience
a messy cocktail of grief,
embarrassment, and freedom all
at once. Explaining that to other
people might be too confusing to
even try.
Each emotion moves at its
own pace, depending on the
situation and the person. “Our
emotions don’t walk into the
room and introduce themselves,”
says Georgina. “Sometimes they
creep up slowly, unannounced.
Sometimes they rush in and take
over the whole space before we
can do anything. And sometimes
they hide away, ignored or
rejected.”
wellbeing
How talking helps
When you’re feeling intense
emotions, especially those
linked to fear, it’s difficult to
think logically, and find practical
ways to support yourself. This is
because your brain has switched
to survival mode, something that
makes the logical part of your
brain much harder to access.
Research published in
Psychological Science shows
that talking openly about your
emotions can dampen this
survival response over time.
For example, if you know that
being home alone triggers an
overwhelming set of emotions,
the more you talk through the
emotions verbally, the more able
you will be to manage future
reactions to the same situation.
Address the shame
While we’re all for education and
solution-based approaches to
mental health issues, the truth
is that you cannot out-think an
emotional response. When you >>>
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 25
 Georgina Sturmer is an integrative
counsellor helping clients create a
happier and more confident
life. Visit the Counselling
Directory for more.
tell yourself that you should
be able to ‘deal with it’ and feel
unable to, you’re unconsciously
shaming yourself for your
perceived inability to cope.
You have to let go of the desire
to explain, justify, or rationalise
the emotion and, instead, allow
yourself to feel it physically in the
body. This means relinquishing
the need for control, which is
often very confronting. Getting to
this point is a process that takes
time and support.
“It starts with noticing,” says
Georgina. “Noticing the events or
people that trigger the sense that
things are off. It might be lifestyle
factors too – does sleep, food,
or drink play a role? You might
become aware of patterns or
themes that emerge. Notice what
your body feels like, the rhythm of
your breath, are you able to stay
present or do you disappear off
somewhere in your mind?”
Acknowledge that this type of
self-enquiry is a skill, and one
that takes some time to master.
Be patient as you uncover the
nuances of your emotional world,
and allow it to exist without
needing to fix things.
26 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
Consider your
emotional vocabulary
You may have grown up in an
environment where feelings
were simplified into just a few
options, such as happy, angry, or
sad. But the human experience is
far more complex than that, and
while we are limited by language,
there are ways to expand our
emotional vocabulary. Consider
looking at a feelings wheel which
can be found online, and features
seven core feelings, as well as
multiple sub branches and words
to define the subtleties of each
emotion.
Alternatively, try to imagine
the different aspects of how you
feel in a creative way. Consider if
your feelings match a particular
scent, colour, flavour, or weather
pattern, and try writing it down
or drawing a picture. Doing this
can give you a starting point to
explain your feelings in more
depth, and then share this with
someone you trust.
Walk and talk
Once you’ve got a little clarity
on your feelings, going on a
walk can be a less intimidating
way of expressing them. The
forward motion, lack of eye
contact, open expanse of sky,
and connection to nature all
contribute to a more calming
environment, which can allow
you to open up with ease. You
don’t have to jump into deep
discussions straight away either,
just take things one step at a
time (literally). When you find
yourself more relaxed and ready
to talk, you can begin to open up
– and remember, you don’t have
to have it all figured out right
now. Talking it through might
help make sense of things.
Phrases to use when you’re
ready to open up about your
emotions:
• “I’ve been feeling a little off
lately, would it be OK if I try
to explain it to you?”
• “I need to vent, do you have
time to talk?”
• “I’m not coping very well,
can you help me figure
things out?”
• “Have you used a feelings
wheel? I want to show you
how I’ve been feeling.”
 wellbeing

Talking isn’t
the only option
If expressing your emotions in
person fills you with dread, or
renders you unable to speak
without feeling self-conscious,
consider another means of
communication. Sending a text
message might work for you, but
be wary if being left ‘on read’ has
the potential to lead to feelings of
rejection. If you’re worried about
your text being taken the wrong
way, a voice note can help you
express your feelings more clearly,
as the recipient will take cues
from your tone of voice.

Have realistic
expectations
Depending on the person you
choose to open up to, you may not
get the response you’re hoping
for. Be realistic about how much
support or understanding other
people are able to offer and, if
you can, open the conversation by
clarifying how they can help you.
For example, if you’re opening up
to a friend about emotions related
to work, and you are certain
that you don’t want to leave that
workplace, ask kindly that the
friend listens to your concerns
without telling you to look for
You have to let go of another job.
On the other hand, if you’re

the desire to explain, looking for practical solutions to

how you’re feeling, invite them

justify, or rationalise the to make suggestions so that you

can find a way through together.

emotion and, instead, And remember, even if a problem

can’t be tied up neatly in a bow,

allow yourself to feel it you’ve reached out to talk about

your emotions which is proven

physically in the body to help, so it will make a tangible

difference in the long run.

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 27
 How to handle FOMO
with a chronic illness
There are times when we’re afraid of missing out, and others when we
honestly just don’t have the energy. But resenting your body might hold you
back more. Instead, why not flip the narrative to treasure the times you do
get to enjoy, and celebrate the wonderful things your body can do!
Writing | Michelle Elman

W
hen you have a
chronic illness, it
can feel too easy to
be angry at your body for not
allowing you to do everything
that you want to do. It can be
easy to compare your body to
your peers, and wonder why
yours limits you, and stops you
either physically or energy-
wise. But over the years, I have
realised that this line of thinking
not only led to more anger at
my body than it deserved, but
resentment, too.
I know this mentality all too
well, as someone who has been
through 15 surgeries and spent
most of their childhood in and
out of hospital. As a teenager in
particular, I would spend many
days wishing I could be like my
friends. Especially when I was
in hospital, I would crave to be
‘normal’, and even back in school.
Not being in school meant being
different, and different meant
standing out at a time in my life
when I just wanted to fit in.
The turning point came when
I was hospitalised again at 19
years old. If I thought I couldn’t
do much before, I could do even
less then because I was bed
bound for an indefinite amount
of time. It would end up only
lasting for six weeks, which in
the context of my hospital stays
is short, but with this never-
ending timeline hanging over
my head, there was little else
that I could do for those six
weeks but think.
I began contemplating all the
times I had said no because I
was too worried about what
I looked like, or simply didn’t
join in with my friends because
I couldn’t be bothered. Two
memories stuck out. One was
a dance class that I didn’t go to
because I was worried about
being the ‘fat girl’, so I stayed
home while all my housemates
went without me. The second
was a card game, and this one
was even sillier because the
only reason I didn’t join my
friends was because they lived in
a different house, and it was too
cold and wet outside.
Living in a chronically ill body
meant I knew the feeling of FOMO
(fear of missing out) all too well
from the times when I was too ill
to go to school, or was in hospital
so couldn’t be with my friends,
but these regrets that stuck in
my mind were neither of those
things. Those two memories were
moments where I chose to miss
out for whatever reason. I realised
that the mentality that my body
was holding me back was a true
one, but there were many other
instances where my mind held
me back, too. And that’s when
I made myself a promise that
even if I can’t control my body,
I could control my mind and my
insecurities, and those were not
reasons I was ever going to say no
again in the future.
The reality is, whether you have
a chronic illness or not, we all
get the fear of missing out. You
physically can’t be in all places at

28 | Issue 82 | happiful.com

the same time, and the trick isn’t
to avoid that feeling, but instead to
treasure where you are currently,
and the places you do get to be.
I spent so much of my life
emphasising what I couldn’t
do – from riding roller coasters
to joining in with gymnastics at
school – that I didn’t realise how
much my body could do! My
body has been fighting to keep
me alive each and every day. It
has had more challenges than
most other bodies, but that’s not
a reason to be hard on it – that’s
a reason to love it more and be
more grateful for all the smart
things our bodies do to simply get
us to survive.
In life coaching, there is a saying
that goes, ‘You always have three
choices: change it, accept it, or
suffer.’ When it comes to our
health, because it is largely out
of our control, I have found that
accepting the body I was given
has given me the greatest peace.
The more I longed and wished
for a body that I didn’t have, the
more I found I was forcing myself
to try to keep up. In doing so, I
was actually ignoring the times
my body was telling me to stop or
slow down.
Living a fulfilling life with a
chronic illness has been a long
road, but ultimately what it’s
taught me is to listen to my body,
@MICHELLELELMAN
I made myself a
promise that even
if I can’t control
my body, I could
control my mind
and my insecurities,
and those were not
reasons I was ever
going to say no again
because if you don’t listen when
it whispers, it will scream. You
shouldn’t have to wait until you
are exhausted and broken down
to take a break, and if that means
that you do less than everyone
else, that is OK. The only reason
you feel shame about that is
because society puts so much
emphasis on productivity, and
always being on the go and, in all
honesty, I’m not sure that’s the
epitome of health either!
Michelle Elman is an author,
TEDx speaker, and five-board
accredited life coach. Follow her
on Instagram @michellelelman
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 29
 “We don’t inherit the Earth
from our ancestors, we
borrow it from our children
DAVID BROWER

30 | Issue 77 | happiful.com
Happiful
reads...
From a gluten-free baking cookbook
to a celebratory read about a UK
national treasure, we share four
books that we think you’ll love
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
A
ccording to research
published by the Mental
Health Foundation, a
staggering 60% of adults in the UK
have experienced anxiety that has
interfered with their daily life. For
those on the receiving end, the
symptoms that come with anxiety
can feel scary and overwhelming.
But, the good news is there are
things you can do to help put
Must reads
The Wit and
Wisdom of David
Attenborough by
Chas Newkey-Burden
Sir David
Attenborough has
spent all of his working life
shaping our understanding of the
natural world for the better, and
it’s something we will forever be
grateful for. Now, author Chas
Newkey-Burden takes us back
through the incredible life and
legacy of the nation’s favourite
broadcaster.
your anxiety in the back-seat and
reclaim control.
Showing us how to take the
first step is Dr Kirren Schnack,
a clinical psychologist whose
primary goal is to help those who
don’t have access to therapy. She
uses her wealth of experience
to help people understand what
they’re feeling – including how to
adapt and manage those feelings
Freee Baking: 100
Gluten Free Recipes
by Clare Marriage
To all the foodies
out there who are
new to gluten-free
baking, take a little inspiration from
the crème de la crème of the UK’s
gluten-free flour brand. With more
than 100 simple and delicious
recipes to get stuck into, from
Victoria sponge cake to homemade
pasta, learn how to become a
gluten-free master of some of the
best-loved bakes.
Ten Times Calmer:
Beat Anxiety and
Change Your Life by
Dr Kirren Schnack
with practical exercises and
advice. Think of her as a friend
who wants the best for you and
your mental health, and take her
hand as she guides you down a
path to being ten times calmer.
A Poem For Every
Night of the Year
edited by Allie Esiri
Poets and poetry
lovers, gather round –
we’ve got a delightful
addition to your collection,
that will bring a touch of magic
to your evening reads. This
extraordinary book features 366
poems, one for every night of
the year and beyond, showcasing
the incredible works of some
of our favourite poets, from
Shakespeare to Maya Angelou.
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 31
 What’s waiting for you
on the other side of
your comfort zone?
Taking a step away from the things that feel familiar isn’t
always easy, but doing so could unlock a whole new way of living
T
here are few things that we
can guarantee in life, but
one of them is that time will
keep on moving forward. Each day
will roll into the next, the calendar
cycles through the months, and the
years keep coming – the next one
always feeling slightly faster than
the last.
Whether you find this idea a
comfort or a concern will depend
on your outlook, but something
that many of us fall into is a level of
predictability. It’s not necessarily a
bad thing. When we feel safe and
secure, taking our time and falling
into patterns, banking on the
idea that ‘someday’ will happen,
someday, is natural. In fact, to some
degree, it’s necessary.
Many of us live lives that
have to be predictable in some
sense. We have to be in certain
places at certain times. Caring
32 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
responsibilities, financial
commitments, health, and
countless other demands can play
a role in why we remain in our
comfort zones. But, could there
be a benefit to pushing those
boundaries every now and then?
In a 2023 study, published in
Frontiers in Psychology, researchers
analysed the experiences of 198
students, from six courses in five
different countries, as they were
encouraged to leave their comfort
zones with a series of eight to 10
challenges. What the researchers
found was that learning occurred
when the participants left their
comfort zones, and that the
key to learning was an element
of surprise. The paper on the
research starts with a quote from
the Roman playwright Terentius:
Fortes fortuna adiuvat, fortune
favours the bold.
In the real world
It’s a proverb that suits Charlotte
Rooney. At the age of seven,
Charlotte moved from the UK to
Canada to begin school in a brand
new country. At age 15 she moved
to France to finish high school. At
18 she moved to the Netherlands
for university, and at 23 she was
off to Peru to run a volunteer
project. Four years later, Charlotte
arrived in Bolivia to set up an
agricultural business school in a
rural village, before becoming a
humanitarian aid worker in a war
zone in the Democratic Republic
of Congo (DRC). She later joined a
management firm, before leaving
it all behind in 2022 to begin her
coaching and mentoring business.
When she reflects on what
this experience has taught her,
she shares how living in many
countries, meeting new people, >>>
10 SMALL WAYS TO STEP
OUT OF YOUR COMFORT
ZONE RIGHT NOW

1 Start a conversation
with a stranger.

2 Sign up to learn
a new sport.

3
Make a meal with
ingredients you
haven’t tried before.

4
Set yourself a goal to complete
this time next week, next
month, or next year.

5 Go alone to something you

usually do with others.

6 Read a genre you don’t

normally pick up.

7 Learn a new
professional skill.

8 Challenge a deep-rooted
belief you hold.

9 Face a fear.

10 Explore a new area.

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 33
 Adela Mei
and speaking multiple languages
has transformed her ability to
connect with others.
“In a general sense, pushing
yourself to do things which feel
uncomfortable causes you to grow
and learn new things (as long
as you are open to it!). You will
find out that you have talents you
didn’t know about, and strengths
that you love using, which means
you can use them more and give
yourself more chances to be
happy.”
But, as Charlotte explains,
‘achievements’ in whatever form
that may be for you, aren’t the
only reward for stepping out of
your comfort zone.
“Challenges teach you how to ask
for and accept help, and how to
recognise when you’ve gone too
far to manage alone,” she explains.
“Sometimes that can be as small
as needing to ask for a translation,
and other times it can be much
more consequential, like when
you realise that you have agreed
to do one more project than you
can handle without burning out,
and you need to have an awkward
34 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
Pushing yourself to do things
which feel uncomfortable
causes you to grow and
learn new things
conversation with the people you
have overcommitted yourself
to. Or, it can show you what you
don’t want – like when a crisis
in the DRC taught me that I no
longer wanted to be an adventurer
chasing danger.”
It’s also important to recognise
that precisely what pushing
yourself out of your comfort
zone looks like will be different
for each of us. Take Adela Mei,
for example, who experienced a
pivotal moment in her life when,
aged 50, she learnt to ride a
motorbike.
“Last year, I was suffering
from social media burnout from
working online for long hours,
Charlott
e Roone
y
and leading a life plugged into my
computer as all my coaching work
was online,” Adela explains. “I
celebrated my 50th birthday and
decided to push myself out of my
comfort zone, and do something
I had wanted to do since I
was a teenager: learn to ride a
motorbike!”
Adela recalls having to overcome
a lot of fear and doubt as she
began her lessons, but with
perseverance and practice, she
passed her test to get her full bike
licence.
“I was drawn to learning to ride
a bike as I needed something
drastic to shift in my life,” she
says. “This experience changed

me completely; I felt freedom
and confidence knowing now
that I can do anything that I put
my mind to.”
Is this your year?
In a study published in
Psychological Science, researchers
found that seeking discomfort
can lead us to feel motivated,
because those tangible feelings
of discomfort can be seen as
progress towards our goals.
Other studies have similarly
linked it to inspiration, personal
growth, and overall happiness.
Perhaps this is the year you
start saying ‘yes’ more, or
maybe open yourself up to
new challenges and set goals
that you always thought were
beyond your reach. Whatever
it may be, Charlotte has some
insider tips.
“First, think about what it is
that you really want to do, but
are feeling nervous or afraid to
do. When we do hard things,
having a really compelling
reason to do them makes
it easier, because you can
remind yourself when it gets
hard and you’re tempted to
quit, you can remind yourself
why you’re doing it and get
re-motivated. It’s going to feel
uncomfortable at times – and
that is normal.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
“I would also plan for your
recovery. Imagine it’s like you are
inside a bubble, and what you want
to do is gently stretch the bubble
a bit (not explode it!) and then
you let it come back to its normal
size, recover, and remind your
brain and nervous system that you
are safe. That is what grows your
self-trust. And what feels more
manageable,” Charlotte continues.
There is a lot to gain from
stepping out of our comfort zones
every now and then, whether
that’s in big or small ways, further
afield or on your doorstep, in
meaningful or playful ways. So,
with all that to consider, what will
you do next?
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 35
 Countdown to sleep
Try this soothing breathing exercise to help
send you off to the land of nod

T
rouble falling asleep?
You may have been
told to count sheep,
but perhaps you’d be better off
counting your breaths…
Combining the relaxing effects
of focused breathwork with the
mental exercise of counting
backwards, this technique is
a great way to set you up for
slumber. By focusing on the
numbers, you can bring your
attention to the moment, rather
than any distracting thoughts or
worries whirling around your
mind.

1. In bed, get comfortable and

close your eyes gently.
2. Really focus on being present
– the feeling of the mattress
supporting you, the bedding
cocooning you, your belly
slowly rising and falling with
each breath.
3. When you’re ready, pick a
starting number you’ll count
back from (this could be 20,
or even 100).
4. Try to maintain a steady
breathing pattern, counting
down with each exhale.
5. You may find you drift off
before reaching one, but if
you don’t repeat the exercise
as needed. Sweet dreams!

36 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
 5 reasons to try
reflexology
Looking for a holistic therapy to bring
balance to your body? Reflexology, could
be just what you need. Here are five reasons
to dip your toe into the world of reflexology...
Writing | Kat Nicholls

1. To uncover imbalance 3. To de-stress If you’re experiencing pain,

As your reflexologist massages
your reflex points (places on
your feet and hands believed
to correspond to areas of the
body), they may notice some feel
different (perhaps ‘grainy’). This
indicates an imbalance in the
corresponding part, revealing
where work is needed.
The aim of reflexology is to use
massage on the reflex points to
restore energy flow through the
entire body, and uncovering any
imbalance is a key part of this.
2. To aid natural healing
Our bodies have some incredible
natural healing powers, but
sometimes they just need a gentle
nudge. Reflexology can offer
this, stimulating the reflex points
thought to correspond with the
internal systems responsible for
healing.
As reflexology is non-invasive,
it acts as a complement to other
treatments you may be receiving.
You can think of reflexology as
a way of supporting your body
through the healing process,
giving it a helping hand.
Our feet are often neglected,
as we stand on them and tuck
them away in shoes for hours
on end. Reflexology offers space
to give them (and us) some
much-needed TLC. The process
is relaxing as you are often
seated or lying down in a calm
environment as the reflexologist
gets to work. While there may
be areas of tension, overall the
massage should feel pleasant,
helping you rest in a state of
deep relaxation.
Regular reflexology sessions
make rest a habit. This only
enhances the other benefits of
reflexology, as less stress means
a better-performing immune
system, better sleep, and a
greater sense of wellbeing.
4. To ease pain
Some people turn to reflexology
to support pain relief. The
relaxing nature of the treatment
can help lower perceived
pain interpretation, while
stimulating the body’s healing
systems to help deal with the
root issue.
visiting your GP is important.
Reflexology can complement
treatment advised by your
doctor, helping you carve out
essential self-care time, but do
get medical support, too.
5. To lift your mood
Reflexology is a complementary
approach, and can be a
wonderful companion to
talk therapies and other
interventions to support your
mental health. By promoting
restful sleep, encouraging
balance and reducing stress, the
therapy can help us feel more
energised and uplifted.
Our minds and bodies are
interconnected, and reflexology
is considered a holistic therapy,
meaning it doesn’t solely work
on the body. The balance it’s
restoring may be emotional,
helping to remove blocks or
release negativity.
Learn more about reflexology and
find a reflexologist on the Therapy
Directory.

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 37
 How to support a friend
with a child’s ADHD diagnosis
A diagnosis can be a key milestone for a child and their
parents, here’s what you can do to offer support
S
upport is one of
the cornerstones of
relationships, be it with
your family or even your friends.
In fact, support is so important,
several studies have shown that
good support has the ability to
reduce the incidence of mental
health conditions, and can
improve our mental wellbeing on
a daily basis.
Parenting a child is hard, but it
can be especially difficult when
the child (or children) has been
diagnosed with attention deficit
hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Parents and caregivers can feel
at sea as they navigate this new
journey. Helping them as they
work through the diagnosis can
provide the support that they
need to make life better for the
whole family. So, here’s how you
can support a friend after their
child has received a diagnosis.
Understand that the child
isn’t being naughty
Behavioural issues are often
associated with ADHD. Some
of the behaviours such as
38 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
Writing | Susan Adair
meltdowns (kids with ADHD
do not have ‘tantrums’), anger,
impulsiveness, and the inability
to sit still, are hallmark features
of the condition. Learning to
understand that these are a result
of the condition, and not because
the child is being naughty, can
allow you to make strides in
helping support your friend and
their family.
Some kids have more
hyperactive traits, others will
have traits associated with
inattentiveness, and some will
have a combination of both. Ask
your friend how ADHD presents
in their kid, and how you can
recognise when they may need
some help.
Ask your friend what
you can do to make
their life a bit easier
Kids with ADHD can struggle
with relaxing or quiet time. Their
brain and body may constantly
be on the go, which means their
parents may be constantly on
the go, too. Most parents can
struggle with asking for help,
and they may only do so when
they have reached rock bottom.
Offering, or providing help
without being asked, can make
such a difference when someone
feels like they desperately need
a break. Bringing the child to
a place they can use up some
energy safely, cooking a meal
or two, and just being there to
listen are all great ways to help
make their day a bit easier.
Be a sounding board
for the times when
life gets tough
Your friend needs someone who
will listen and not judge them.
Who understands that sleep is
hard to come by, and there are
only four foods their child will
eat. That sometimes the only
place you can go with your child
is the same park you have already
visited 127 times, and your friend
needs to know that it isn’t a big
deal. They don’t want you to
know everything, they just need
to know that their family is safe
with you – in whatever form that
may take.

Include the child in
activities and outings
As mentioned before, children
with ADHD are often seen as
naughty and misbehaving,
when we know that they can be
struggling with their emotions,
reacting to being overstimulated
and sometimes just being kids.
Culturally, these children are
seen to be ‘bouncing off walls’
and disrupting others, but for
many children, this is not how
they behave.
Not all environments are
suitable for a person with ADHD.
Sensory overload in the form
of noise, colours, people, or
smells can be very triggering,
and the child can find it hard
to move past this and may
become overwhelmed. If you
are including the child in your
family activities, it may be useful
to speak with the parent to see
if what you are doing would be
suitable.
Read books and blogs, and
learn about ADHD in the
‘real world’
One of the most important things I
learned when I was training to be
a mental health nurse is that what
we read about in textbooks and
what we see in practice can often
be vastly different. In my opinion,
this is never truer than when we
speak about the brain. A great way
of getting real insight into ADHD
and how it affects children, and
their families, is by reading or
watching the lived experience of
others. More and more people are
xxxxxxxxxxxx
Your friend
needs someone
who will listen
and not judge
them
talking about their experiences
and how living with these
conditions impacts their day-to-
day lives. The benefit of this is
that it is so much easier to access
great information that will help
you get a better understanding of
what the child and their family
are going through. And that’s
where you’ll really start to make
a difference.
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 39
Ask the experts
How do I know if my gut is healthy?

Nutritional therapist Dana Chapman

answers your questions on gut health.

Read more about Dana on the Nutritionist Resource.

Q
What does the gut do the gut is always the first place If the gut isn’t working effectively,
for our overall health? that you start. The reason is this can also activate the stress
that if the gut is not functioning response – and with the amount

A The topic of gut health is

hot on everyone’s lips right
now. When you are a nutrition or
functional medicine practitioner,
and faced with a complex client,
effectively, we’re simply not able
to absorb nutrients from the
food that we are eating, which
prevents the body from healing
or performing at its best.
of external stress people are under
today, we don’t need the added
internal stress! On the other hand,
a well-functioning gut can help
keep stress levels in check.

Q species of bacteria, fungi, and harmony is disturbed, and some

I often hear the term other microorganisms. plants can start to overgrow
‘gut microbiota’. What Some people like to explain this because they have the space to
exactly is this? by using the analogy of a forest. In do so.
a forest, there are lots of different The same can happen in our

A The gut microbiota refers

to the trillions of bacteria,
fungi, viruses, and protozoa that
live within the large intestine.
Within the gut microbiota, there
are many different families and
plants that live in harmony with
each other – they all keep each
other ‘in check’. If, however,
something happens, such as
disease or someone chops down
a part of the forest, then this
gut. Given the wrong foods (e.g.
sugar), potentially non-beneficial
bacteria can start to overgrow, and
that may lead to symptoms such
as bloating, gas, and loose stools –
to name a few.

Nutritionist Resource is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
 Dana’s top tips for resetting
your gut health:

• Have good eating hygiene. Eat

in a state of rest, digest, and
repair – which is the opposite
of our stress mode. So don’t
eat on the run; take time to sit
down, breathe, and smell your
food, giving your body the best
chance of digesting that food
effectively so that you can
absorb all the gorgeous nutrients
from it.
• Eat a wide variety of
colourful foods. A common
recommendation is 30 different
plant foods per week. This can
be achieved by throwing lots of
different vegetables into a salad
or soup, adding different nuts
and seeds to meals, and eating
seasonally.

Q • Load up on fibre, but go slow

What are the signs of depression or anxiety, joint
pain, poor stress response, and
good gut health?
autoimmunity.
to start off with. The gut
microbiome loves fibre, so by
feeding the gut with fibre-rich
foods like fruit and vegetables,
beans, lentils, nuts, and seeds,
you’ll be well on your way to

A Either a lack of gut-related

symptoms or optimal health
may be signs of good gut health.
But, we are often unaware of the
wide variety of symptoms that can
be attributed to poor gut health.
These can be broken down into
two categories:
• Wider symptoms, such as skin
conditions including eczema,
spots or acne, brain fog,
• Specific gut-related
symptoms, such as acid
reflux, indigestion, bloating,
• Introduce fermented foods into
gas, undigested food in
stool, constipation, and loose
stools.
So, good gut health would
mean an absence of any of these
symptoms. You would have
vibrant health, including vibrant
mental health.
feeding your gut microbiome in
a good way.
your diet. If you don’t eat these
regularly then go low and slow
to start off with, as they may
cause gas and bloating. Think
kefir, kimchi, kombucha – 30ml a
day is all you need – sauerkraut,
yoghurt, natto, tempeh, miso,
and sourdough.

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 41
 “The soul always knows what to
do to heal itself. The challenge
is to silence the mind
CAROLINE MYSS

Photograph | John Diez

42 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
 a look inside

Eating disorders
later in life:
Why research needs to
be more inclusive
What challenges affect older adults with eating disorders, and is
a lack of diversity in research compounding the issue?
Writing | Kat Nicholls

W
hen you picture
someone with an eating
disorder, what comes
to mind? For some, it’s likely that a
particular type of person appears
in their mind’s eye – a white
teenage girl. While, of course, this
can be true, eating disorders affect
people of any age, race, or gender.
Slowly, progress is being made
in terms of awareness, with more
people understanding the variety
of people that can be affected. Yet,
there is still a gap in research.
“We’ve definitely seen a lack
of diversity in eating disorder
research, and while there has
been more attention on the topic
in recent years, there’s still a
really long way to go,” Umairah
Malik, clinical advice coordinator
at eating disorder charity Beat
explains.
“Research samples often include
mostly young white women, while
some studies don’t report their
demographic data at all. This
means that research findings are
difficult to generalise, and there’s
a lack of understanding on eating
disorders in different groups,
despite knowing that anyone from
any background can be affected.”
This lack of research and
understanding can fuel
stereotypes, which may prevent
people from reaching out
for support. Looking at age
specifically, Umairah explains
how this misinformation can
prevent people from finding the
help they need.
“There’s a misconception
that only young people can
experience an eating disorder,
which can mean that older
people might not recognise the
signs of an eating disorder in
themselves or a loved one.”
WHY IS RESEARCH
SO LIMITED?
Early intervention is often
highlighted, as getting support
sooner in the eating disorder’s
development can improve the
chances of recovery. This could
explain the research leaning
towards younger people, because
of the assumption that older
people with eating disorders have
had them for a long time. While
this may be the case, this thinking
fails to consider those who do
develop an eating disorder later
in life. And, regardless, shouldn’t
we be looking into how to help
those who have struggled long-
term, too? >>>

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 43
 Another possible reason is
the way organisations recruit
research participants. They may
rely on social media or eating
disorder clinics, where there can
be a younger demographic. But,
whatever the prime cause, the
problems resulting from a lack of
inclusivity remain the same.
“A lack of diversity in research
means that what we learn and
know about eating disorders is
based on groups of people who
aren’t representative of everyone
affected,” Umairah says. “This
means that specific challenges or
presentations in different groups
aren’t understood and identified,
which is why it’s so important for
research to be more diverse.
“With more inclusive research,
eating disorder treatments
can become more effective for
underserved groups, leading
to improved experiences of
treatment, and better outcomes.”

WHAT CAN TRIGGER AN

EATING DISORDER LATER
IN LIFE?
There can be a number of
reasons why someone might
develop an eating disorder at an
older age. In mid-life and beyond,
there can be a range of life events
that turn our world upside-
down, including bereavement,
divorce, retirement, caring for
ageing parents, and empty nest
syndrome, to name a few For
some, eating disorders become a
coping mechanism to deal with
difficult feelings triggered by
these events.
Others may feel insecure about
the way their body is changing as
they age. They may then develop
a fixation on their appearance,
which can lead to an eating
disorder – the preoccupation
with youth in the beauty industry
no doubt plays a role here.

44 | Issue 82 | happiful.com

Some may be put on
medications that impact their
appetite and weight, leading to a
desire to control what suddenly
feels out of control. Physical
changes like menopause and
male ageing can also have an
effect on mental health, often
triggering an increase in anxiety,
which could lead to eating
disorder behaviours for some.
These are all just examples and,
for others, there may be different
factors at play. Eating disorders
are complex and often have
multiple causes, no matter what
stage of life you’re in.
WHAT CHALLENGES
CAN SOMEONE WITH AN
EATING DISORDER FACE
LATER IN LIFE?
While eating disorder symptoms
can be very similar across
different ages, the context in
which they’re experienced is
different. This can lead to specific
challenges.
“People might be experiencing
different life changes related to
factors like caring for a loved
one, working responsibilities,
financial challenges, or changes
like the menopause,” Umairah
says. “Big life changes can be
difficult to navigate; validating
Beat helplines are open 365 days a year from 1pm–9pm
during the week, and 5pm–9pm on weekends and bank holidays.
England: 0808 801 0677
Scotland: 0808 801 0432
and recognising the experiences
of people with an eating disorder
later in life is so important.”
There can also be unique
reasons holding an older adult
back from getting help. They may
feel like they should have their
Eating disorders
can affect anyone,
and you deserve
the right treatment
just as much as
anyone else
life ‘together’ and therefore be
resistant to support. There could
even be misdiagnoses if medical
professionals aren’t thinking to
look out for eating disorder signs.
Treatment for eating disorders
from professionals is often
needed for recovery. Due to the
lack of research, there can be
challenges for older people in
the treatment space, too. They
may struggle to navigate recovery
alongside what else is going on in
their lives, or they may lack the
familial support younger people
tend to have. The lack of agency
during treatment can hit harder
for independent adults, too.
a look inside
Wales: 0808 801 0433
Northern Ireland: 0808 801 0434
This all highlights the need for
more diversity in the research of
eating disorders, and a move away
from one-size-fits-all treatments.
Despite this, however, it is so
important to recognise that help
is available. While it may not be
perfect, it is a crucial step on the
road to recovery.
GETTING HELP
If you suspect yourself (or a loved
one) is struggling with an eating
disorder, Beat advises speaking
to a GP as soon as possible, and
asking for a referral to an eating
disorder specialist.
“It’s important to know that
eating disorders can affect
anyone, and that you deserve the
right treatment just as much as
anyone else,” Umairah stresses. “If
you’re worried that you might not
be taken seriously, it’s important
to speak to your treatment team
about this, or our helpline is
also available for any support
or information related to eating
disorders. Recovery is possible,
and we want to reassure people
that support is out there.”
If you’re looking for tailored
support, visit the Counselling
Directory to find private therapists
near you.
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 45
 A grief
conundrum How to support others while you are also grieving
M
y Nana was the life
and soul of any party.
Demure yet feisty,
she could make you cry
with laughter. A trusted and
dependable listening ear for
family and friends, she was also
a volunteer with the charity
Samaritans for almost 40 years.
For as long as I can remember,
she would quietly pop out of the
house, including on Christmas
day, calling out, “I’m just off to
Sam’s, you won’t notice I’m gone”.
For years, my cousin thought
she was off visiting a friend
called Sam! But in reality, she
was a listening ear for those in
crisis, helping countless people
in need. From telephone boxes
to computers and email, my
Nana witnessed great change in
the incredible service. She was
nothing short of brilliant.
As somebody who had never
experienced a close bereavement
before, the months after
46 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
Writing | Hannah Bradfield
my Nana died were utterly
confusing. One thing I did know,
however, was that I couldn’t bear
to see my family upset. But, as
identified in research conducted
by Cardiff University’s Marie
Curie Palliative Care Research
Centre and the University of
Bristol, many people struggle to
get the support they need while
grieving, particularly since the
pandemic.
In fact, the 2021 study found
that 39% of respondents reported
difficulties getting support
from friends and family, often
due to “relational challenges,
little face-to-face contact, and
disrupted collective mourning”.
Additionally, more than half
experienced high or severe
vulnerability in their grief.
Although there are some
great resources available
for supporting others, most
are for those not close to the
bereavement. So, what about
that missing piece of the puzzle:
how to support others when
you’re grieving the same person?
Elizabeth Jamieson, an
experienced therapist who
works in different areas
including bereavement, explains
that following bereavement,
we sometimes seek a more
communal, collective memory.
While this can be comforting,
individual memories are also
important.
“Hold on to your own things
when you support people, and
allow them to hold onto theirs.
Share things they might not
know. But allow yourself to laugh
about things that are funny. Don’t
lose that bit of it,” Elizabeth says.
There are different types of
memories, and Elizabeth points
out it’s OK to compartmentalise.
“You have the thing you do as
a family where you support,
you love, you help them
remember. But also, there are >>>
 xxxxxxxxxxxx

Grief can be about

loss, it can be about
disappointment, it can
be a feeling of being left
behind. It’s about change
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 47

The grief doesn’t
diminish, but
life goes on and
expands around it
your own memories, your own
experiences, and that is very
much for you.”
Grief is everywhere
Soon after my Nana died, my
sister moved away to university,
which I found difficult. It almost
felt like a further loss. The
distance was hard, and I was
worried my sister wouldn’t feel
supported over FaceTime.
Elizabeth explains that although
we typically discuss grief in a
bereavement context, we grieve
48 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
many things. “Grief is everywhere.
Grief can be about loss, it can be
about disappointment, it can be
a feeling of being left behind. It’s
about change.”
She also says never to
underestimate the value of
connection, even if it’s virtual –
“As much connection as possible,
in small ways, in big ways.”
How to handle ‘firsts’
without them
Occasions like the first birthday
and Christmas without your loved
one can be particularly difficult
times to support each other,
while also grieving personally.
Elizabeth says you should never
feel guilty for not doing traditions
and things you’ve always done
previously. “It doesn’t mean that
you won’t do it next year. Perhaps
it just means that this year, it was
too hard.”
Elizabeth recommends
honouring the person you’ve
lost in simple ways. “For their
birthday, go to their favourite
cafe, have their favourite cake,
talk and remember and share
those thoughts. Not forcing it.”
We did this recently, and when
we were sitting eating fish and
chips at my Nana’s favourite
seaside café, Stevie Wonder’s ‘Isn’t
She Lovely’ played – a song we
associate with her.
Grief as a process
“In the old days, we used to talk
about the stages of grief. And I
think perhaps that’s not quite as
respected as it used to be,” says
Elizabeth.
She’s referring to psychiatrist
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five
stages of grief: denial, anger,
bargaining, depression, and
acceptance, published in 1969.
While the stages became applied
to grief more generally, Kübler-
Ross had been writing in the
context of a terminal illness. So,
when people criticised her idea of
grief as linear, she clarified in her
2005 book, with David Kessler,
that these were things people may
experience, in any order.
Elizabeth highlights how
important it is to recognise that
grief isn’t linear. She says, “You
 relationships

Helpful resources evolves, is ongoing, and that

these connections are normal.
• Cruse Bereavement Support: Helpline, webchat, and further “Every time we talk about
support and information. (cruse.org.uk) that person, we continue to
make those neuropathways,
• AtaLoss: Bereavement resources and signposting to lots of we continue to deepen those
different support. (ataloss.org) connections,” Elizabeth says.
“So, we can continue to have a
• Child Bereavement UK: Support for children, young people, relationship if we acknowledge
parents, and families when a child is grieving, or when a child that person, even though they’re
dies. (childbereavementuk.org) not there bodily.”

• The Compassionate Friends: Support, information, and Accessing help

signposting for different bereavements. (tcf.org.uk)
• Survivors of Bereavement By Suicide: Support lines, groups,
and information for those bereaved by suicide. (uksobs.org)
can look at somebody, and you
can think they’re moving along
nicely. It’s almost like they’re
following a path. And then there’s
a backwards step.” That could
be having to tell someone who
doesn’t know yet – it could be
anything – but it feels like the
grief hitting you all over again.
“It’s not that the person who
grieves the longest loved the
most,” says Elizabeth, which is
an important note: grief isn’t a
competition, and we all process
and display emotions differently.
She also reminds us that anger
is normal. “There’s anger about
what happened,” Elizabeth says.
“There can be anger towards
that person, which is very
uncomfortable anger. Anger for
leaving you. Anger for leaving
you to have these feelings, anger
for leaving you to have to deal
with stuff. Anger at other people.”
I’ve found the ‘Growing around
grief’ model helpful. Introduced
by Dr Lois Tonkin in her 1996
article “Growing Around Grief:
another way of looking at grief
and recovery”, published in
Bereavement Care, it suggests your
grief doesn’t get smaller, your life
just grows larger around it. Based
on diagrams drawn by a mother
whose child had died years
prior, of a circle which remained
the same size (the grief) inside
another circle which increased
(life), it demonstrates how the
grief doesn’t diminish, but life
goes on and expands around it.
I’ve also recently read about
‘Continued Bonds’. Theorised
by Dennis Klass, Phyllis R
Silverman, and Steven L Nickman
in the 1996 book Continuing
Bonds: New Understandings of
Grief, it rejects the dominant
grief model of the time,
which viewed grief as linear,
and pathologised the idea of
continuing a bond with the loved
one. Their research underlines
the importance of remaining
connected, recognising that grief
Supporting others through your
own grief may feel like being
pulled in different directions.
So, it’s vital, Elizabeth says, to
have time and space to express
yourself outside of the immediate
family group. Accessing therapy
can be extremely helpful.
Grief has no time limit, and
what some people may find
comfort in, others may not.
Acknowledging that can be
helpful. And as Elizabeth reminds
us, there are different kinds of
memories, from collective, to
group, and personal.
“Enjoy those group memories.
But keep your own precious, keep
your own dear,” says Elizabeth.
Your feelings are valid, and it’s
crucial to give yourself space to
keep all the memories going.
Elizabeth Jamieson is an
experienced therapist
working across many areas.
Find her profile on the
Counselling Directory.

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 49
 Signs of chronic
overthinking
And what you can do to stop it!

Constantly asking, ‘What if…?’ Ruminating on mistakes,

long after they’ve passed.

Recalling embarrassing Imagining past

situations and replaying
them in your mind.
Questioning others’
words and intentions.
Always assuming that
things will turn out badly.
conversations and Struggling to switch off
regretting the things at night, because your
you wish you had (or thoughts are keeping
hadn’t) said. you awake.
Finding yourself either living in the past or
worrying about the future, so that it feels like
you’re never really in the moment.

If these signs are hitting a
little close to home, you might
benefit from trying one of these
three methods to help manage
overthinking, and allow your
mind to rest:
1. Schedule a
‘thinking time’
Setting aside time for space with
your thoughts can help to stop
your worries spilling over into
the rest of your day. This could
be to go through any worries,
consider any problem-solving,
or just mull over whatever you
need to. And if things crop
up outside this time, you can
try to set it aside until your
‘thinking time’, so that it doesn’t
commandeer your mood.
2. Change course
The more you actively tell
yourself not to think about
something, the more impossible
it becomes to contemplate
anything else. Instead, redirect
your attention with the art of
distraction. If you’re watching
TV and your mind wanders
into worries, grab a book, call a
friend, or ask someone to play
a board game. It doesn’t really
matter what you do, but shaking
up what you’re interacting with
can help the overthinking from
sticking.
3. Physically let things go
There are two ways journaling
can help with this. First is to
write a list of all the things
bothering you, divided into
what you can control, and
what you can’t. Tear the list of
uncontrollable things up, or put
it in the bin! Seeing what you
can’t control clearly before you
can help to loosen the grip these
worries have on you, and leaves
you with a list you can actively
work on.
Second, if you’re not even sure
how to craft that list, simply
write down everything that’s
concerning you. When it’s in
writing, sometimes it’s easier
to see the bigger picture, and
decipher what is worth your
worrying, and what isn’t. Again,
you could destroy the page
when you’re done as a means of
metaphorically letting go.

50 | Issue 82 | happiful.com

Sincere
apologies Are you an automatic apologiser?
M
y youngest child
can experience
an impressively
dramatic range of
emotions in just seconds. I can
see from a distance when the sun
is going to be blotted out, and a
storm is going to hit.
One time, another child
grabbed her Velcro tags from her
waist in a rugby training session.
From the sideline, I saw her
throw her head back and open
her mouth before the sound of a
scream – born from frustration,
anger, and incomprehension
combined – hit my ears. I ran
onto the pitch and grabbed my
now rigid four-year-old, before
Writing | Katie Scott
heading over to mumble some
words of apology to the head
coach. My tea was splashed
over my (thankfully) waterproof
coat, and my smallest was
tucked under my arm (and still
screaming).
That evening, I sat wondering
why I had felt the need to
apologise. She was simply
being a child – one who hadn’t
understood the rules of the
game, and had therefore felt
very aggrieved when her lovely
yellow tags were snatched
away. The coach said that there
was no need to apologise as I
stuttered before him, and he
was right. The apology was born
relationships
not from necessity, but from my
embarrassment.
My need to apologise at that
moment may have said more
about my state of mind than my
daughter’s. Dr Marianne Trent
is a clinical psychologist and
author of The Grief Collective. She
explains: “We may peacefully
accept noise or more wilful
behaviour from our own children
when we are alone with them.
However, that same behaviour
can feel like a different kettle of
fish entirely when other people
are privy to it. Often this might
be because we experience shame
and embarrassment, or we fear
the judgement of others.” >>>
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 51

Dr Trent also points out
that I was probably not in the
best frame of mind, as I was
also dealing with a cold – and
understandably grumpy – son,
and a hyperactive spaniel.
Circumstance definitely impacts
mood and, she argues, tolerance.
“When we are out and about, we
might also be juggling different
activities, such as managing road
safety, processing the noise of
other people, and planning our
next action. This means that our
window of tolerance and capacity
might also be reduced.”
In this heightened state,
we are more likely to opt for
52 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
appeasement as a quick solution,
even when it’s not demanded or
necessary. She adds, however,
that an apology issued in this
state is far less likely to be
genuine, and you actually may
not even remember making it
once you’ve calmed down.
My apology was definitely
not heartfelt, but a knee jerk
reaction to feeling embarrassed.
It was also absolutely the wrong
message to send my child,
says chartered psychologist,
Catherine Hallissey. My attention
should have been on my child,
comforting her and not making
her feel, by my apology, that she
had done something wrong. I am
grateful now that my daughter
was crying too much to actually
hear what I said.
However, Catherine says
that there are times when it is
necessary for us to step forward
and apologise for our child. “I
see no issue with apologising
as a way to repair a social
relationship, for example, if
a child hits another child and
they’re not yet calm enough to
apologise, a parent can apologise
on their behalf.”
There’s no denying that
embarrassment may play a part
here too, but the overriding
urge will be the desire to quickly
defuse a situation, which could
spiral into recriminations. In this
case, though, it must be followed
with a conversation with your
child about why an apology was
expected, and why you, as the
parent, decided to hold out the
olive branch on their behalf.
This is an opportunity to model
for your child how and when
to apologise. Albert Bandura’s
experiments in the 1970s
provided evidence of how much
children rely on observational
learning. There is potentially

more power in showing them
than telling them to say sorry,
especially in a situation when
they don’t understand why.
As caregivers, we can teach
children what an apology actually
is, what sincerity looks and feels
like, and what empathy is. As
psychologist Valeria Sabater
wrote: “From us, they’ll learn
the good and the bad, and every
adult will be a mirror in which,
for a predetermined time in
their development, they see
themselves.” This is true not just
for situations in which we have
stepped in for them but also
how they see us interacting with
others. How many times have
you muttered, or indeed shouted,
something at another driver from
behind the wheel of your car only
to hear it mimicked from the
back seat?
We can model sincerity by
mindfully choosing the words
we use for an apology. Instead
of “Sorry”, we can use more
effective wording that shows us
taking responsibility – giving
an explanation if necessary,
expressing care and, most
importantly, offering a reparation
or resolution.
As Dr Trent explains: “It can
be helpful to try not apologising
when we might ordinarily, for
example, when browsing at
a supermarket if you become
aware that someone wants to
get to the same shelf as you,
rather than saying ‘sorry’, it can
be wonderfully empowering
to say, ‘Thanks for waiting,’ or
‘I’ll just be a moment.’ This is
particularly pertinent for women.
In Karina Schumann and Michael
Ross’s much quoted American
study from 2010, published in
Psychological Science, women
were found to have a lower
threshold for what they perceived
as offensive behaviour than
men. This then resulted in them
apologising more.
Dr Trent says vocabulary is so
key in empowering as opposed to
invalidating us. As she says, the
right words “can appropriately
role model to our kids that we
are allowed to take up room,
and need not make apologies for
existing”.
We can also teach them
the power of a pause. In the
situation when your child has
done something that they need
to apologise for, if you can, take
relationships
A more genuine apology
is more likely to come
about once the dust
has settled, the angry
parts of our brain have
settled down, and the
compassionate parts
have come back on line
them away, let them calm down,
ask them what happened, explain
why an apology is necessary,
and then they might be able to
apologise themselves. As Dr Trent
says: “A more genuine apology is
more likely to come about once
the dust has settled, the angry
parts of our brain have settled
down, and the compassionate
parts have come back on line.”
There are moments when this
will feel like a huge responsibility,
not least because sincere
apologies are often really hard to
give. However, this is also about
the power of words – the complex
notion of how we can hurt or heal
other people just by speaking –
and this is an essential lesson to
pass on.
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 53
 Happiful recommends
From a hobby-sharing app to a luxurious wellness accessory, try
something new with our top 10 wellbeing recommendations
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

3
ACT OF KINDNESS

Share your story with Marie Curie

Whether you’re living with a terminal illness, caring for
someone else, or you’re grieving the loss of a loved one,

1
charity Marie Curie always offer a space for people to share their stories.
Telling your story helps to shed light on this important topic, making
sure that nobody feels alone. (Find out more at mariecurie.org.uk)

4
LEND US YOUR EARS

PAGE-TURNERS ‘Sliced Bread’

A Doodle A Day Keeps The
Stress Away by Tamara Michael
Helping us keep stress at bay
is Tamara Michael – a fantastic
author and content creator who
has a unique way of helping us
alleviate stress. Her secret? The
There are lots of products out there that promise to make
our lives better, but do they really do what they say on the
tin or is it all in the marketing? Host Greg Foot speaks to the
experts to debunk myths, and find out the pros and cons
of a variety of products and fads,
so that we can make an informed
decision for ourselves. (Available
on all podcast platforms)

5
unwinding power of doodling!
Step into her creative world PLUGGED-IN
and put pen to paper with her
everyday drawing prompts. Cold Plunge Cam
(Out now, Pop Press) For content creator
Cam, cold-water

2
dipping is a powerful
OUT AND ABOUT tool to improve his mental
health, and he’s showing us how
Explore a National Trust garden to transform our lives with this
Secret gardens, ancient trails, and beautiful landscapes practice as well. On his account,
– the National Trust has it all. With hundreds of parks and gardens to you’ll find wholesome videos of his
explore, each has its own unique history and hidden wonders waiting ice-bathing journey, beginner tips,
to be uncovered. Set aside a weekend of outdoor exploration and breathing strategies, and more.
create memories that will last a lifetime at a National Trust garden Will you follow suit? (Check out
local to you. (Visit nationaltrust.org.uk to find out more) @coldplungecam on TikTok)

54 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
 culture

7
TECH TIP-OFFS

Buddee
Having a hobby that we truly love is great, but it’s even
better when we have someone to share it with – and
thanks to Buddee, we can! This social app allows you
to connect with like-minded individuals who are just as enthusiastic
about your hobbies as you are, and forge new, long-lasting friendships.

6
LESSON LEARNED (Available on all platforms)

Learn how to support a
person with sight loss
Guide Dogs is a charity that offers
support to those who are blind or
partially sighted. It believes in the
importance of inclusivity, creating a
ripple effect of support by offering
free online training for those who
want to know how to act when
someone with sight loss is in need
of assistance. (Visit guidedogs.org.
uk to sign up)
8
GET GOING
Late-night workout
Research suggests that working
out late at night can provide a
whole host of benefits, but why is
this the case? Well, studies show
that your endurance is greater
in the evening, and exercise can
help you sleep better, as well as
help you to release tension gained

9
throughout the day. Of course,
SQUARE EYES everyone’s body clock is different, WIN A LAVENDER
but it could be worth putting RELAXATION EYE
Gordon, Gino evening workouts to the test. PILLOW FROM CALM AND
and Fred’s Road Trip COLLECTIVE
If you’re seeking out something light-hearted to watch
on your Saturday night, join best friends Gordon Ramsay, Gino For your chance to win,
D’Acampo, and Fred Sirieix as they travel around Europe on a culinary simply email your answer
adventure of a lifetime, seeking out the tastiest local cuisine. What to the following question to
could go wrong? Along the way, expect lots of laughter and fun-filled competitions@happiful.com
adventure. (Available to watch on Netflix)

10
What colour are the flowers
TREAT YOURSELF of lavender plants?
a) Yellow
Lavender Relaxation Eye Pillow b) Orange
Calm and Collective’s Lavender Relaxation Eye Pillow is more than just c) Purple
a luxurious wellness accessory; it’s a gateway to relaxation. Nurture
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happiful.com | Issue 82 | 55
 Ultimate gluten
and dairy-free
pancake recipe
Perfect for Shrove
Tuesday (and every
weekend afterwards…)
Writing | Lucy Harris

I
ndulging in a delicious stack
of pancakes is a timeless
breakfast pleasure. For those
seeking a gluten and dairy-free
option without compromising
on flavour, these coconut flour
pancakes make a delicious,
nutritious, and simple breakfast.
Packed with wholesome
ingredients, this recipe not
only caters to various dietary
requirements but also delivers
light, fluffy, and naturally gluten-
and dairy-free pancakes. A real
weekend treat!

56 | Issue 82 | happiful.com

Ultimate gluten and
dairy-free pancakes
Serves 2
Ingredients
• 2 tbsp melted coconut oil (plus
extra for cooking)
• 2 tbsp coconut flour
• 1/4 tsp bicarbonate of soda
• Pinch of salt
• 1/4 tsp vanilla powder (optional)
• 2 eggs
• 2 tbsp maple syrup
• 6–8 tbsp water
Method
• Begin by melting the coconut
oil in a frying pan or oven using
a low heat. Once melted, set
aside and allow to cool slightly.
• Now, mix together the dry
ingredients: in a bowl add the
coconut flour, bicarbonate
of soda, a pinch of salt, and
the vanilla powder, if using.
Combine.
• In a separate bowl, whisk the
eggs. Add the cooled coconut
oil, maple syrup, and water.
Whisk to combine.
• Slowly add the dry ingredients to
the wet mixture, whisking until
you have a smooth batter. Allow
the batter to rest and thicken for
approximately 5 minutes.
• If the batter is too thick,
gradually add a small amount
of water until the batter
reaches the perfect pancake
consistency to pour into the
pan. You’re aiming for a thick,
yet pourable mixture.
• Heat a little coconut oil in a
frying pan over a medium heat.
You should have enough
batter for 6 small pancakes –
spoon the batter into the pan
to create your pancakes and
swirl the pan to distribute
the mixture. You may have to
do this one or two at a time
depending on your pan size.
• Gently heat until bubbles
form on the surface and the
pancake loosens easily. Then,
carefully flip and cook the
other side until they’re golden
brown. This will only take a
few minutes!
• Time to serve and add your
toppings. Whether you
prefer fresh fruit, a drizzle
of nut butter, a sprinkle
of cinnamon, or a dollop
of dairy-free yoghurt, the
options are endless.
The healthy bit
Coconut flour is a versatile and
gluten-free alternative, which is
richer in fibre and protein than
traditional pancake flour, so
should keep you feeling satiated
for longer. It also provides a lower-
carb option and is a good source of
potassium and iron.
The use of melted coconut oil
not only adds a delightful flavour,
but also brings a host of health
benefits. Known for its medium-
chain triglycerides (MCTs),
coconut oil can contribute to
improved metabolism, regulate
hunger levels, and promote satiety.
Beyond their role in providing
structure and fluffiness to the
food & health
pancakes, eggs are a nutrient
powerhouse. They are a great
source of high-quality protein,
essential vitamins and minerals,
including B12 and choline. And,
while optional, the inclusion of
vanilla powder adds a touch of
sweetness without the need for
refined sugars, and is known for
its antioxidant properties.
Making mindful choices when it
comes to toppings can contribute
to a more balanced blood sugar-
friendly pancake experience. This
will help you start your day right
by providing a steady release of
energy, keeping you alert and
satisfied until lunch. Prioritising
a combination of fibre, healthy
fats, and protein-rich toppings
over sweeteners like maple syrup,
honey, and sugar will help you
achieve this, and keep your blood
sugar levels in check. My favourite
combination includes blueberries,
cinnamon, runny almond
butter, and a dollop of coconut
cream. Berries, in particular, are
naturally low in sugar, and studies
have also shown they support our
attention and focus.
You can customise the toppings
to suit your preferences and
dietary needs, making each
breakfast a unique and delicious
experience!
Lucy Harris is a registered
nutritional therapist and
certified health coach,
helping clients to start
living their best, healthy
lives. Find out more on the
Nutritionist Resource.
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 57
 Seven ways to keep
hen party stress at bay
Sometimes, hen parties can lead to a few ruffled
feathers – but it doesn’t have to be that way
O
n paper, hen parties
should be exciting –
they’re a real moment for
celebration, something that can
feel increasingly rare as family,
career, and commitments fill
up our calendars. The reality,
however, can be very different
– and a WhatsApp notification
to join the group ‘Kate’s Hen
Do 2024!’ can, in fact, make our
hearts sink. Here are some tips to
help keep the hen party stress to
a minimum.
Be mindful of what
you can commit to
Whether you have concerns about
time away from work or home,
be very clear about what you can
commit to. “Of course, everyone
wants to enjoy the occasion with
the bride,” says Lauren Goodman,
founder of wedding planning
service Bluebird Creative. “But
being honest from the outset,
and laying out expectations of
your availability early on can help
avoid disagreements.”
Be very clear about money
Significant financial differences
between friends can be tricky
ground to navigate, and hen
parties really can highlight any
58 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
Writing | Sian Meades-Williams
tension. Whether it’s a high-end
dinner or a weekend away, if
what’s being proposed is way
out of your budget you need to
address it as soon as possible,
rather than waiting until the chief
bridesmaid is looking into the
flights and asking for deposits.
It’s easy for costs to rise quickly,
too. “Keep details and costs
all in one place in a shared
spreadsheet,” suggests Lauren.
Knowing where you stand
will help keep that dreaded
uncertainty at bay.
Make sure you are
communicating
If you tend to let your WhatsApp
messages pile up and leave people
on read, try your best to tackle
hen party admin head-on. If you
can’t be prompt, be enthusiastic,
helpful, and clear. A heart or
thumbs up emoji in lieu of a reply
will usually suffice during a busy
work week, but be mindful that
radio silence can cause a lot of
anxiety for both parties.
Don’t get pushed into
something you don’t want
“No one should put themselves
into a position that makes them
feel uncomfortable or out of their
depth, while paying a large sum
of money,” says Lauren.
Of course, there might be some
group activities you’re not keen
on (I once found myself axe-
throwing while my arm was in
a sling), but you need to be firm
about your boundaries. If you
really are scared of heights, sit out
the abseiling and join everyone
after lunch. If you’ve just had
a baby and a party weekend in
Paris is on the cards, you might
prefer to arrange something one-
on-one with the bride.
It’s also prudent to make your
alcohol or diet restrictions very
clear from the start – help people
plan well in advance. You aren’t
being difficult, the bridesmaids
are asking for a reason.
But be flexible, too
There’s a difference between
being truly uncomfortable,
and being a little bit fussy. A
bottomless brunch may not
be your idea of a great time,
but on the other end of the
WhatsApp group is an exhausted
bridesmaid trying their best
to appeal to the masses. You’ll
have more fun if you are flexible
on the things that don’t really
matter to you.

If you can’t
be prompt, be
enthusiastic,
helpful, and
clear
This doesn’t mean being a
pushover, but rather going with
the flow instead of fighting over
the smallest details. You can, for
example, nudge everyone towards
sustainable alternatives for table
decorations, but be willing to
accept that things might not go
your way, and plastic penis straws
could still reign supreme.
Don’t get drawn into drama
Unfortunately, a few heated
moments and sharp words are
likely while planning any event.
There are a lot of voices and
different opinions to balance. If
you can avoid adding to the drama
by bonding over disagreements,
or not taking sides, you’ll be more
relaxed, and might even find that
any tension subsides a lot quicker.
Remember the bride
The bride is often missing during
hen party planning and, in many
cases, they would be the glue
holding a group together. It can
relationships
be helpful to remember what
they’ve asked for, and what
they’re most excited about.
Planning can be intense so
if things do get fraught, help
keep things in perspective by
remembering why the planning
means so much to people. Focus
on the day itself, and remember
the bride. When it’s all said and
done, they’re always the most
important part of the party.
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 59
 PUT
WELLBEING
ON THE
CORPORATE
AGENDA

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 a look inside

What’s next after an

ASD diagnosis?
Being diagnosed with autism can be an emotional and
overwhelming event, but with time, understanding, and
support, you can successfully navigate your new reality
Writing | Emily Wilson

A
utism spectrum disorder
(ASD), or autism, is a
neurological condition,
or developmental disability,
driven by brain variations. Due to
the breadth of its characteristics
– including a variety of interests
and stims – autism presents
differently in individuals. People
often remain undiagnosed for a
number of years, due to lack of
awareness, limited assessment
accessibility, or by mastering the
ability to mask and hide certain
common autistic traits.
Receiving a diagnosis can be
an extremely overwhelming
process, often involving hours
of assessments and months
of waiting to reach a final
conclusion. For some, the result
may be expected. For others, the
formality can come as a surprise.
Counsellor Louise Brown
compares an autism diagnosis
to rewatching a TV series. “You
have already seen the final
episode, where everything
is explained, so going back
and rewatching it with this
knowledge means everything
makes much more sense.”
Viewing previous life-memories
through this newly-discovered
lens doesn’t change what
happened, but it can change our
understanding and how we feel
about it, she says.
There is no correct way to react
or feel upon receiving a diagnosis.
Depending on your individual
level of prior understanding
and preparation, it can be an
emotional realisation.
Louise notes the negative
emotions that can arise,
including “feelings of grief as
we look back on how different
our lives might have been if we,
and those around us, had known
this information earlier”. Others
may question the validity of self-
knowledge, and whether it should
be trusted. As Louise puts it: “If
we missed being autistic, what
else have we not seen?”
The most important thing is to
allow yourself adequate time to
process the news. “We need time
to process and integrate this new
knowledge about ourselves, to
curate a life that is supportive
of our needs, and nourishes our
true selves.”
Part of this process means
understanding your “individual
autistic profile”, which is often
not considered during the
assessment, but is invaluable to
navigating a new normal, as well
as identifying and understanding
your needs.
Louise mentions looking at
“sensory processing, hyper/
hypo awareness, executive [dys]
function, [and] any co-occurring
conditions”. High-maskers may
find this is a lengthy process, as
many learn to ignore the messages
from our body and brain in
order to “fit in” with neurotypical
expectations. Many women with a
tendency to “fit in” socially, often
miss common signs. >>>

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 61
 It can be worth knowing that
a formal diagnosis is not always
attainable, but the neurodivergent
community often welcomes self-
identified autistic individuals.

What changes after

a diagnosis?
Louise says that as you gain
comfort in establishing your
personal autistic identity, you
begin to acknowledge needs that
were often ignored, and may
appear “more autistic” to others,
allowing your mask to drop. You
may be inclined to wear more
sensory-friendly clothing, and
avoid uncomfortable sensory
experiences, or ‘stim’ in public

We need time to process and integrate
this new knowledge about ourselves,
to curate a life that is supportive of our
needs and nourishes our true selves
more often. Stimming is repetitive
behaviour such as rocking or
hand-flapping
“Once we understand our
neurodivergent profile, and how to
attend to our own needs, we move
towards acceptance,” explains
Louise. “And then we can give
ourselves permission to meet these
needs.”
Sharing your diagnosis
You may decide to share your
diagnosis with people around you.
Each individual may choose to do
this at a different pace, or benefit
from gaining an enhanced self-
understanding first, so there’s no
obligation to do this immediately,
or before you’re ready.
Louise explains how obtaining
security in her “autistic identity”
encouraged her “to slowly expand
the number of people [she] spoke
openly with about it” over time.
Unfortunately, we can’t control
the response of others when
disclosing a diagnosis. “If we
are already feeling destabilised,
this can leave us in a potentially
vulnerable position,” she notes.
Louise advises to start with the
people who feel safest to talk to,
whether this means a close friend,
family member, acquaintance,
or stranger. Some people share
anonymously online, leaning
into the #actuallyautistic hashtag
on social media.
Everyone has a different
understanding of ASD, so those
with an outdated understanding
may repeat hurtful things,
even when trying to be
understanding. So it may be
worth establishing a plan to exit
the conversation if you need to.
You may also wish to compile
resource suggestions, as it can
be overwhelming, feeling you
have to educate others about
ASD generalities.
Should I request
support at work?
Not everyone will feel they
require support at work, and
others will choose to not
disclose their diagnosis. If you
feel you require support, Louise
says a formal diagnosis means
you are covered by the Equality
Act, leaving your employer
responsible for making
reasonable adjustments.
Whether or not you choose
to request changes, seeking
support can help identify “ways
of working that work for us”,
says Louise.
a look inside
Louise Brown is a queer,
neurodivergent therapist working
online. Find out more on the
Counselling Directory.
How to support a
loved one who received
an ASD diagnosis
If your colleague, friend, or family
member recently received an
autism diagnosis, there are many
ways to support them. Especially
by making yourself available to
listen throughout the process.
Refrain from using unhelpful
phrases that discourage them
from speaking about their
experience, such as denying their
diagnosis, telling them they “don’t
look autistic”, or “don’t behave”
like another autistic individual
you know. If appropriate, help
them celebrate their diagnosis.
Most importantly, remember
that they, as an individual,
have not changed. Louise says
a diagnosis provides a “new
understanding, which might help
them navigate life more easily”.
Give the person time to explore
what the diagnosis means for
them. If they were not previously
self-diagnosed, they are likely
still discovering and learning
for themselves. Changes you
may notice are often the person
readjusting within their new
identity. In a safe environment,
they may feel comfortable to
unmask in your presence.
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 63
 COULD AN ‘ARTIST DATE’
REKINDLE YOUR CREATIVITY?
Feeling uninspired and overwhelmed can happen to all of
us – even creative professionals – but treating yourself to
a fun, engaging experience could reignite your flame
A
s much as I love writing,
there are times when
being creative feels like a
chore. I recently stumbled on the
idea of ‘artist dates’, popularised
by the author Julia Cameron. Put
simply, artist dates are where we
do something fun and enjoyable
on our own to nurture ourselves,
with an emphasis on these
activities being playful. The idea
is that this helps our creativity, but
we don’t go on an artist date with a
specific project or goal in mind.
An artist date can be everything
from going to a funfair to a nature
walk, seeing a film, or going to
a petting zoo. These aren’t just
for those who may already see
themselves as artists – everyone
can benefit from something that
kindles their creativity.
THE BENEFITS OF
ARTIST DATES
“Regularly taking ourselves on an
artist date can feel like a lovely
and freeing treat to relax us,
and give us a sense that we are
really taking time for ourselves,”
psychotherapist Nina Bradshaw
says. “I recently treated myself
to a class learning to spin wool
64 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
Writing | Caroline Butterwick
into yarn. It felt so nice to be
giving myself this opportunity to
do something fun, creative, and
relaxing.”
Taking time to nurture our
creative selves, whether through
artist dates or other activities, can
support our wellbeing. “Creativity
is the well-spring of life and
aliveness,” says Nina. “When we
get caught up in the pressure to
do, to perform, to keep on top of
things, and always feeling under
pressure, this can lead to burnout,
or even depression. Focusing on
our creativity and trying to switch
off the busy mindset can really
help us to feel less stressed and
more alive, and able to enjoy life.”
GOING ON AN ARTIST DATE
I was curious to see how taking
myself on some artist dates could
help. To start, I went for a walk
through a local park, letting my
mind wander as I walked without
purpose. The geese honked in the
pond, the breeze whipped my hair,
and I felt relaxed. I found myself
wondering about everyone I passed
– what’s the story behind the
person sitting on the bench with a
book? Or the woman watching as
her children throw seed for the
ducks? The child mesmerised by a
squirrel? Later, I realised how this
walk had sparked my creativity
without me even intending it to.
Things like artist dates are about
nurturing our creative selves and
supporting our wellbeing, without
it being a task. This can be hard as
we’re so used to everything having
a set purpose.
“We can get so caught up in the
day-to-day, the ‘to-do’ list, and
always feel like we need to be on
the go. Artist dates can free us
from this sense of busyness and
allow us to reset and recharge,
leaving us feeling refreshed and
more able to face the usual tasks
we have to do,” explains Nina.
“This, for me, is a very important
way of caring for myself, allowing
my mind to wander and to be
more mindful, and less caught
up in racing thoughts and
productivity.”
Artist dates are typically done
alone, which can seem daunting.
“Some people may feel quite self-
conscious about it at first, but I
say once you get over the initial
nerves, it can really feel liberating
and uplifting to do this thing for

yourself, and to enjoy spending
time in your own company,”
emphasises Nina.
Another day, I visited a museum
by myself. I was slightly self-
conscious as I wandered in, but
soon, I was lost in exploring the
exhibitions. It was nice to go at my
own pace. I then got a coffee in
the museum café, and did some
writing inspired by the experience.
It felt nourishing to have crafted
out that time just for me.
OTHER WAYS TO NURTURE
YOUR CREATIVE SELF
Artist dates are a great activity, and
there are lots of other ways we can
bring more creativity into our lives.
I ask Nina how we can do so. “I
hear many people say, ‘Oh I’m not
creative at all!’ But I think we are
all creative,” she says. “It might not
be obvious, but try to notice and
pay attention to the little things
that we are already doing. It could
be you made a delicious meal for
your family, or you decorated your
living room in a really pleasant and
tasteful way. Even that you managed
to juggle a dozen tasks in a smooth
and efficient way! These are all little
things to notice, ways in which we
may be creative and don’t always
appreciate that they are creative.
This can lead to thinking about
creativity in a different and more
self-affirming way.”
CREATIVE CORNER
My plan is to make more time
to go on artist dates, realising
the difference they can make.
And as Nina says, it’s also about
noticing the ways we are creative
already. My legendary homemade
chocolate tiffin that I bring to every
get-together? That is creativity!
I listen (and dance around the
kitchen) to some Fleetwood Mac
while I stir the ingredients, and
realise that moments like this are
just as worthy of acknowledging
as creative as a day sitting at my
laptop writing.
So craft out some time to do
something for the joy of it – you
may be surprised at where it leads
you.
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 65
 “One thing I’ve learned is that
you don’t have to understand
things for them to be
MADELEINE L’ENGLE, A WRINKLE IN TIME

Photograph | Ketut Subiyanto

66 | Issue 82 | happiful.com

Can you really
fall in love
at first sight?
It’s the ultimate romantic notion, but what’s the reality,
and can love at first sight stand the test of time?
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
T
he string section is rising,
the camera slowly zooms
in: someone has fallen
in love at first sight. We all know
how this plays out on the big
screen, but can love at first sight
truly happen in real life, and
what’s going on inside our minds
as we begin to fall?
When we fall in love, a lot
of activity happens in our
prefrontal cortex, the region
of our brains responsible
for executive functions like
problem-solving, critical
thinking, and decision-
making. But while this part of
the brain takes care of some
important processes, it also
makes snap decisions with
minimal information. In fact, it’s
estimated that 50% of the cortex
is devoted to processing visual
information – the stuff we see
right in front of us.
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
In the context of love at first
sight, that means falling for the
way someone looks, or their
visible actions and presentation,
rather than the intangible aspects
of their character that show
themselves with time.
Next up, our bodies are filled
with the feel-good hormones
dopamine and oxytocin when we
see someone that we’re attracted
to. This emotional rush feels
really good, and the chemical
reactions that are happening
also play a role in romantic
attachment and bonding, giving
us that sense of closeness. But
that’s just the practical side of
love at first sight, the full picture
is much broader.
“One way of understanding
why love at first sight, or initial
deep connection, happens is
that we all have a wish to return
to a primitive love that reminds
a look inside
us of the unconditional love
between the mother and baby,”
says Soulmaz Bashirinia, a
psychotherapist, sharing her own
theory. “This is a time when the
mother is not felt as separate from
oneself but part of ourselves, and
all our needs can be met in this
intense cocoon of love. This is
why we might feel we have found
our ‘soulmate’, or that we are
‘one’, because we have regressed
into a comfortable place where
there is no difference. This can
be a powerful feeling that gives
us energy and makes us believe
anything is possible. It may give
us a great sense of fulfilment and
happiness; it makes us feel as if
we are among the clouds. This
energy can be used in other areas
of our life and can make us more
confident.”
It’s also worth considering what
impact stories of love at first >>>
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 67
 All relationships are built on
varying levels of intimacy,
passion, and commitment

68 | Issue 82 | happiful.com

sight can have on us. When we
see examples of bold, immediate,
true love that inevitably leads to
happily ever after, it can prompt
us to lean into feelings that we
may otherwise be more cautious
around.
“It is often thought that this is
a period of illusion and fantasy
when we do not really see the
other for who they are, but
how we would like them to be.
We might think of them as the
perfect partner just because
we deeply want that ideal
partner with no faults,” Soulmaz
continues.
“Sometimes idealisation can
make us blind to unsafe and
destructive aspects of the other.
Safe and healthy relationships
allow both to express
themselves, and there is space
for flexibility and movement.
Both partners respect each
other’s independence, and there
is a shared feeling of giving and
taking. So, while you enjoy the
ride of being in love at first sight,
you want to also give yourself
time to reflect on your own hopes
and ideals, and learn what your
rosy glasses make you not see.”
So, can love at first sight ever
last? When trying to land on
an answer to these questions,
psychologist Robert Sternberg’s
1980s ‘triangular theory of love’
is often pointed to. His theory
suggests that all relationships
are built on varying levels of
three components: intimacy,
passion, and commitment. You
can apply these ideas to your own
relationships. For example, think
of a friend. You may be able to
tick off ‘intimacy’ as you’ve grown
to know each other very well,
but not the other two. Another
example is what Sternberg
names ‘compassionate love’ –
which ticks off ‘intimacy’ and
‘commitment’, but not passion,
something which can happen in
long-term relationships when the
fire has dulled out a little. When
it comes to ‘love at first sight’,
Sternberg terms this ‘infatuation
or limerence’ – a kind of love that
only ticks the ‘passion’ box, seeing
as ‘intimacy’ and ‘commitment’
are currently out of reach.
Only with a balance of all three
components will you achieve true
love or, as Sterneberg termed it,
‘consummate love’.
Of course, there’s nothing to
stop infatuated love growing into
consummate love. And, despite
all this, a study by dating app dua.
com, which analysed more than
a million search queries from
across Europe to find out which
country believes in love at first
sight the most, proves many of
us do have faith in the concept.
Topping the list was Slovenia,
but the UK was right up there –
coming 6th out of the 46 analysed
countries. One such person who
would fall into this category of
love at first sight believers is Dr
Hana Patel.
“I met my husband, Surinder,
online,” she shares. “I joined the
website on a Friday and saw his
profile that day. On Saturday
we contacted each other and, as
Surinder’s subscription was about
to end the next day, he offered to
give me his email and telephone
number. We started chatting
via email, and on the phone. I
thought that – if Surinder was
a look inside
Soulmaz Bashirimia is a
psychotherapist and social
worker working with couples and
individuals. Discover more on the
Counselling Directory.
as nice in person as he was via
email, as he sounded really fair,
genuine, and a lovely guy – he
would be the man I would marry.
It felt fated, actually.”
Hana and Surinder had an
adventurous first date on a
mystery tour of London, all the
while covering important topics
such as religion, values, morals,
career, and finance. By their third
date, Surinder had met Hana’s
parents – and she met his parents
on their fourth. Three months
later, they eloped to Barbados to
get married. In November 2023,
they celebrated their 10-year
wedding anniversary.
Hana and Surinder’s story is
an example of when love at first
sight works out. But, when it
comes to assessing the validity
of love at first sight, ‘success’
doesn’t have to be the marker.
As long as it is safe and healthy,
there’s nothing wrong with falling
head over heels for someone.
Yes, deep connections take time
and, if that’s what you’re looking
to pursue, you should take note
to curb the urge to rush in. But,
whether it lasts 10 years or 10
days, as long as we’re in a secure
and self-aware place, being open
to love can be an utter joy.
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 69
 Now we’re
talking
How learning a new language can come
with a host of emotional benefits
T
he new year is a time
many of us take to
recalibrate and turn
our thoughts towards
all we want to achieve in the
coming year. For some, that
might be learning a new language
or picking one up again. Having
studied languages for most of
my life, I know how easy it can
be to get disheartened along the
way – getting muddled up in verb
conjugations and endless hours
on Duolingo. I’ve found that the
key to language learning success
is making it fun, being motivated,
and staying consistent. When
these components are in place,
learning languages can be a
highly gratifying experience with
a whole host of benefits.
I started learning Spanish
because I was fascinated by
the sound of the Spanish songs
on Shakira’s Laundry Service
album, and I was determined to
understand what they meant.
As the years went by, I started
noticing all kinds of unexpected
changes. My concentration
improved, as did my study skills,
70 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
I wasn’t nearly as shy speaking
Spanish as I was in English, and I
felt more creative and confident as
a person overall.
And there are good reasons for all
these effects. First and foremost,
studying a new language is the
mental equivalent of CrossFit –
it’s a full workout for your brain.
You are learning vocabulary,
grammar, new pronunciation,
new concepts, and that is
reflected in the structural neural
changes that occur. Learning a
language increases white brain
matter, which boosts problem-
solving skills, concentration,
and executive function. Multiple
studies have shown that speaking
a second language even helps stave
off mind degenerative diseases
such as dementia.
Language learning also helps
to improve your social skills. The
primary goal of learning a language
is communication, so while you
are learning a second language,
you are also acquiring speaking
skills that help you become more
socially flexible. There are usually
differences in social etiquette
ELIZABETH DUNNE
MA DSFH
Elizabeth is a solution-
focused hypnotherapist and
psychotherapist. Find
out more by visiting the
Hynotherapy Directory.
between cultures. I remember my
Spanish students being horrified
that it is not polite to say you can’t
go to something because you don’t
want to in Britain. They perceived
this as dishonest. In southern
Spain it’s perfectly acceptable to
say “me paso” (I’ll pass) on a plan
if they don’t feel like going, without
explaining why. When you’re
learning another language, you are
exposed to new communication
styles which increases your ability
to be more adaptable in different
situations.
For a similar reason, through
learning to communicate in a
new structure, language learning
also increases understanding and
openness to different perspectives.
In English, we see time as linear,
with the past being behind us and
 EXPERT COLUMN

READY TO GIVE IT A GO?

Follow these top tips for language learning:

1. Focus on learning a language that is useful
to you personally (that you’re likely to use!).
2. Find music and TV shows in your target
language that you really enjoy.
3. Find a one-to-one teacher on a language
learning platform to help coach you and
keep you accountable.
4. Book trips to the country of your target
language to get regular real-life practice.

and therefore older and more

the future in front. In the Andean
Aymara language, the opposite is
true, the logic being that we know
what has happened in the past, so
we can see it stretched out before
us, whereas the future is unknown,
so it creeps up behind us. In
English we become our emotions:
‘we are sad’. Whereas, in Irish,
sadness is ‘on us’, implying a more
temporary state.
Speaking a second language
could even help with emotional
regulation. A study published in
Psychological Science found that
participants who were solving
problems applied a more logical
approach when working on them
in their second language than
their first. One theory for this is
that our first language is more
connected to early experiences,
reactive areas of our brain are
more engaged than our second.
The implication of this is that
we may have more access
to executive function, and
therefore the ability to regulate
and think more rationally in a
second language.
Language learning can be a
humbling experience (such as
telling your new friends that
you wash your hands using soup
instead of soap), but the benefits
are well worth the journey. It
equips you with lifelong skills,
a passion for another culture,
and the ability to settle in a new
place, as well as an opportunity
to connect on a deeper level
with people from a different
culture –and even a completely
new lens through which to view
the world.

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 71
 How the
Dutch stay
clear-headed
Discover the Dutch concept that could
be key to blowing away brain fog
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

T
he wind is whistling past
your ears, your cheeks
are pinched, your body
is braced against the next gust,
and your full focus is on placing
one foot in front of the other.
You return home and the blood
is rushing to your cheeks. Settled
down with a hot drink to warm
your chilly fingers, you notice
that you feel different. Your mind
is clear, you feel energised, you
feel good.
It’s an experience that many
of us can attest to, to the point
that the Dutch have a word for
this: uitwaaien. Translating
to ‘out blowing’, uitwaaien is
the tradition of getting out in
windy weather, with the goal
of refreshing and rejuvenating
ourselves.
“We are probably all familiar
with wanting to get outside to
‘blow away the cobwebs’, and
the Dutch concept of uitwaaien
shares a similar idea: that of
being refreshed and invigorated
by a walk in a stiff breeze,”
explains Jennifer Deacon, a
counsellor with a special interest
in the environment. “It doesn’t
have to be some romantic idea

72 | Issue 82 | happiful.com

Uitwaaien is about
getting out in windy
weather, with the goal
of refreshing our minds
of howling into the wind on a
cliff top, just getting outside
for a stroll on a breezy day can
have so many benefits for us.
Our lifestyles are generally
quite removed from nature and,
by embracing the wind and
immersing ourselves in it, it can
be vitalising and restorative.
Often, we shy away from leaving
the house if the weather isn’t
great (however much we know it
will do us good) and reframing
it as uitwaaien can be an
encouragement to go embrace
the breeze!”
So, what’s the science behind
all this? Well, for one thing,
a study published in Frontiers
in Psychology found that even
just 10 minutes outdoors was
shown to improve our mood
and physiological markers like
blood pressure and heart rate.
Additionally, another study
published in the Journal of
Health Economics found that cold
temperatures reduce negative
mental health outcomes, while
hot temperatures increase them
– meaning that getting out in
blustery weather could be having
an effect in and of itself. Plus,
walking in windy weather can be
healthier for us physically. Cast
your mind back to 2020 – do you
remember the advice to go for
walks on windy days, when the
elements made you less likely to
catch contagious strains of Covid?
The same is also true for other
germs, pollution, and dirt – the
air on windy days tends to be
cleaner.
But, despite all the evidence
about how connecting with nature
can improve our health, Jennifer
notes that taking care of ourselves
when the weather is worse can be
harder. Our energy levels may be
lower if we experience seasonal
affective disorder, or the short,
dark days can be off-putting. That
said, where you can, an activity
like uitwaaien is worth pursuing.
“Walking in windy weather can
be stimulating and refreshing,
providing us with an opportunity
for what’s known as ‘soft
fascination’ – the wind and nature
gently holding our attention
which is believed to be healing for
our brain.
Windy walks can help stimulate
our senses: the noise of the wind
in the trees, watching the leaves
swirl, and even our sense of
the wind on our skin and in our
hair. These moments of sensory
stimulation are so important and
can give rise to moments of awe,
again, another psychological
positive pointers
Jennifer Deacon is a counsellor
with a special interest in
eco-anxiety. Head to the
Counselling Directory for more.
concept which is hugely
beneficial.”
And the key thing to remember
is that you don’t have to go off
on huge adventures to enjoy
uitwaaien, you can start on your
doorstep.
“Research indicates the most
important factors in improving
our wellbeing are about
deliberately engaging with nature
around you, rather than the time
spent,” Jennifer explains. “It
doesn’t even have to be walking,
some time sat outside can be
a great opportunity to connect
with nature. It’s about noticing
the natural world – perhaps
that might be the way that the
raindrops sit on the leaves, or
the colours of the sky. Try to use
all your senses, from listening
to the birdsong to smelling the
flowers. Avoid distractions (such
as Googling what particular
plants are), instead sit with some
curiosity and wonder as to what
you are noticing.”
So, this year, make an effort
to view the windy, ‘bad’ weather
not as a reason to stay put inside,
but as an invitation to take some
time to immerse yourself in the
elements – to clear your head,
and to set yourself up for a
rejuvenated state of mind.
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 73
 Forget the fads:
5 menopause products
that actually work
Feeling hot and bothered? Here’s our expert guide to the best
products around to help you beat those midlife symptoms
Writing | Suzanne Baum
W
hen I hit 50 in March,
and decided it was
time to take control
of the menopausal symptoms I
was experiencing, I didn’t need to
Google what worked. As a beauty
journalist, I am privy to every
product going – from skincare
and beauty to fans and clothing –
and have seen pretty much every
new launch.
Despite not having to do my
research, the algorithms of
social media started bombarding
me with adverts – products for
dry vaginas, mood-boosting
supplements, magic cures to help
brain fog, and so on. The market
is saturated with menopause
products, and I can understand
just how confusing it can be for
women, who simply don’t know
what works best.
A high price tag may seem
unappealing, but if a product
claims to be “one of the best”
to help calm dry skin, or a
74 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
supplement “promises” to boost With so many brands trying
collagen, or the latest CBD oil is to capitalise on the menopause
“guaranteed” to give you a good market, don’t sweat the small
night’s sleep, it is easy to be stuff. Here’s my guide to products
persuaded by the advertising. that actually work.
Menopause Faace
This is a product that targets the
multiple needs of menopausal
skin – from dryness and a dull
complexion to acne flare ups and
dark spots – and it works like a
dream. The contents of the chic
pink tube are described as a mask,
but can be used as a face cream,
primer, or overnight treatment.
With its combination of ingredients, including rose water to soothe
and refresh skin, carrot seed and pomegranate oil providing antioxidant
properties, and zinc to fight breakouts, this is a super-powered multi-
functional product.
I only apply it when my skin is playing up, and because it sinks so gently
into the skin, with no sticky residue, it is such a pleasure to use. One
application, and my skin instantly feels hydrated. And if, like me, you
suffer from middle-aged acne, apply the mask overnight and the spots dry
up as you sleep. It’s what dreams are made of! From wearefaace.com, £31
 food & health

The Sensation
Cooling Scarf
If you suffer from hot flushes, this is
the perfect product to help you keep
your cool. As soon as you drape it
around your neck, it goes to work.
The nature of the fabric technology
means that it keeps dry and cool at
all times – the fibres wick moisture
and water vapour away, and accelerate evaporation. It is this evaporation
The Chillmax Air Fan
that provides the immediate cooling sensation. Once taken out of its
packaging, the scarf can be shaken and placed anywhere on the skin. This fan is ideal if you work
My hot flushes tend to come at night, so I place the scarf across my from home, or just need
pillow, and it seems to help regulate my body temperature. I even used it something to cool you down
when travelling around Florida last year, and it provided instant relief in throughout the day. There’s
The products listed have been independently reviewed and are not influenced by any affiliations or commissions.

hot temperatures. From judesmenopausewellness.co.uk, £24.99 nothing worse than having a

hot flush while on a work Zoom,
and this helps lower your body
PRAI MenoGlow Hot temperature.
Flush Cool Fix Serum I have tried lots of fans, but
the reason this makes my top
Keep cool and roll on with this product! Forget serums as five list is because it is compact,
you know them, for this is in fact a cooling rollerball gel, reasonably priced, and I love
that I carry around with me everywhere. If you are hot, the refreshing mist option – you
have sore skin, or need a quick pick-me-up, this works a fill it with water and it actually
treat. It contains the powerhouse ingredient hyaluronic works as an air cooler (halfway
acid, which helps plump the skin and fill-in wrinkles. between a fan and an air
The bonus factor is you can use it on top of make-up. Even if I am conditioner).
not having menopausal symptoms, I use it at night when the weather The ability to change the
is hot, as it glides over the skin and feels like a cold flannel. From different coloured lights on
marksandspencer.com, £35 the top is a nice touch, too,
particularly at night. From
very.co.uk, £29.99
M&S Flexifit™ Non
Wired Full Cup Bra A–E
You don’t need to suffer with
I cannot speak highly enough about this bra. I the nasty side-effects that the
only wish I had discovered it sooner! The fact it menopause can sometimes hit
has no wiring or padding, yet stays in place all day, you with. It’s about knowing
is a miracle. The fabric is so cool, thanks to its soft, how best to deal with them, and
stretchy material that regulates the temperature. Even in the summer understanding that you don’t have
heatwaves, I felt super comfortable in it. There’s nothing worse than to push symptoms aside. Looking
when your bra digs into you, yet with this one you can’t even feel you after yourself, by finding ways to
have one on. tackle those side-effects, is vitally
It gave me the lift I needed, for my breasts and my mental wellbeing. So important for your wellbeing and
good, I bought it in every colour! From marksandspencer.com, £22 happiness.

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 75
 5 ways to make dealing with
deadlines a breeze
Don’t let the stress of deadlines overload you, try these tips
W
hether it’s at work,
in education, or just
regular life admin,
deadlines are a part of life. And
for many of us, they can bring a
whole load of stress. For some,
procrastination can mean we
leave things to the last minute,
but even for those who try to
tackle things sooner, deadlines
can still fill you with dread.
Here, we look at how you can
deal with deadlines in a way
that works for you.
Understanding
procrastination
“Sometimes, if there is a further
off deadline, it’s easy to feel that
you have loads of time and to
decide to focus on things that
are more enjoyable than your
task – until suddenly you don’t
have loads of time anymore,
and panic floods in,” says
counsellor Nina Jellinek.
“Even with a task we feel we
can do, and don’t dislike, it can
be hard to start,” Nina says. “We
might not know where to begin,
or even where to start thinking
about it, so we avoid it. Then it
can become a snowball effect:
we have put it off, now we have
less time, are feeling increasingly
76 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
Writing | Caroline Butterwick
worried, and all this makes us
avoid the task even more.
As Nina explains, this can
take us to a state of complete
overwhelm, where we feel unable
to do anything. “I talk to a lot
of people who get frozen with
anxiety about something they
need to do. They put pressure on
themselves, and then the stress is
also often increased by the worry
that other people might see them
as lazy or unmotivated. When we
are in this situation, we are not
lazy. We are overwhelmed and
feeling totally stuck.”
Understand your
working style
One of the best ways to help
you deal with deadlines is to
understand your working style.
“Look at what, if anything,
has worked for you in the past,”
advises Nina. “Even more
importantly, look at what has not
worked. Doing the same thing
that has not worked before is not
likely to help now!”
Nina recommends trying to not
compare yourself to others – we
all have different ways of working
and processing tasks, along with
different life stresses and support
systems.
“When you recognise how you
normally do things, look for even
small ways to tweak your style
a little to reduce the impact of
the stress,” Nina says. “For me, I
realised years ago that I tend to
leave some things to the last(ish)
moment, so now I tell myself the
‘last’ moment is the day, week or
month before the actual last day,
to give me some wiggle room
in case I need more time than I
think I do.”
You may find that working with
someone else helps motivate
you, even if you’re working on
different things. Choosing a work
environment that is comfortable
and inviting can help, too.
To-do lists
Some find to-do lists beneficial.
Nina suggests having three: the
first is a priority list, ‘I really need
this done’; second is an ‘it would
be useful but not as urgent’ list;
and third is an ‘it would be nice
but can wait’ list. Focus on the
first one and only look at the
others if you have the energy.
“Some people prefer to start
with the worst task to get it over
with, while others prefer to build
up to that task by starting with
something else,” Nina explains.
 No one style is
right, but it is good
to recognise what
works better for you
“No one style is right, but it is
good to recognise what works
better for you.”
While looking at these tasks,
consider if you know what to
do. “Do you need guidance?”
says Nina. “Remind yourself
that it is OK to ask, even if you
have left it later than you feel
you should have. If you don’t
know what to do, it is going to be
pretty stressful, so it’s better to
bite the bullet and check out any
questions. If verbally asking is Nina Jellinek is an adult
hard, maybe send a text or email.” and young person’s
counsellor. Find
Breaking down a task out more on the
Counselling Directory.
It’s common advice, but it really
can help to break down a task
into small chunks so it seems
more manageable.
Nina suggests planning to work improve on it later. “When I Soothing the
for 15 minutes max. Suddenly, am really stuck on a writing deadline anxiety
the goal is less threatening. task, I throw lots of words at my “Allow yourself to aim for ‘good
“There’s always the chance that, computer without worrying about enough’, rather than a perfect job,”
once you have started, you might whether they make sense, or says Nina. “Good enough is much
get into a groove and decide to about the order of the thoughts, more achievable, and changing
keep going,” she says. “But if you and then I can hopefully organise this mindset might reduce the
don’t, at least you’ve achieved them better later,” says Nina. pressure.”
what you set out to, and this could This is certainly helpful It’s vital to take care of yourself,
reduce the guilt reaction.” if you find staring at blank so make time to relax. “You
page intimidating, as getting are more important than the
Facing the blank page something down is a great deadline,” Nina emphasises, so do
Don’t worry about making your starting point, and gives you what you can to deal with tasks
first try perfect – you can usually something to work with. while remembering you matter.

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 77
Take 5
What better way to escape the noise of the world than to take a quiet
moment with your thoughts as you focus solely on the following puzzles

Wordsnake O D G N I L L O L I
Try this variation on a classic
wordsearch. Instead of being in N N T C O L S M I B
straight lines, words are spelled
out in winding paths, with each S O O A W E O A R O
letter following the one before
either horizontally or vertically – no T L N N O M A T I A
diagonals here. Start with the bold
letter and complete the whole grid! O C R A P J A R U N
Theme: capital cities H K I S S T K A D N
O O S B E P K A T A
L R E U D A U K H M
M I O B U O S A B S
C A U L E N A I R E
Anagrams
Unscramble the letters to reveal a
hidden word or phrase.
How
di
Hint: famous sites around the world do? V d you
‘Freeb isit
ies’ se the
shop. c
happ tion on
TREAR FEARREG BIER to fin if
d the ul.com
answ
and m ers,
CRONY NAGDAN ore!

HONESTGENE

FLOWER ETEIF

CIAUH PCMUCH
 wellbeing

How to
overcome
cherophobia
Do you self-sabotage happy moments? Or feel like an
uncomfortable observer to everyone else’s joy, but never really
able to soak up the fun? If ‘happiness’ feels like something
always just out of reach, you might be experiencing cherophobia
Writing | Tanith Carey

A
sk most people what
their life goals are,
and somewhere
high up on the list
will be: ‘to be happy’. After
all, even though we know it’s
an impossible state to achieve
permanently, we all seek as much
of it as we can. But is it possible
to have a fear of happiness,
which stands in your way of
feeling happy ever?
This was a question I faced as
I hit midlife. All was going well.
I had a lovely husband, two
healthy children, a stimulating
career, and a comfortable home.
But I still found it impossible
to really feel happiness flowing
through me. On the contrary, I felt
uncomfortable, even panicky.
The happiest day
of your life?
The first time I consciously
noticed how uncomfortable
I was feeling ‘happy’ was on
my wedding day in 1999. I was
standing at the altar, exchanging
vows with the man I loved, in
my dream dress, surrounded by
family and friends who wanted
the best for me. But as I looked
into my husband-to-be, Anthony’s,
eyes, instead of experiencing joy, I
felt distant and disassociated.
After that stark realisation,
I began to notice this strange
feeling more and more. At
celebrations and parties, I felt as
though I was on the outside, like
I was looking in from the other
side of frosted glass.
As the years went by, when
I saw Anthony laughing and
playing with the children,
instead of being able to join
them, I noticed that I physically
stiffened. A sensation, like a
tangled knot, would also form in
my upper chest.
Happy family scenes felt
‘cringy’. At times, the discomfort
was so great, I’d sabotage fun
moments by lobbing a grenade
– like a controversial remark or
pessimistic comment – to bring it
to an end.
When I delved deeper, I realised
I could also hear the voice of
an invisible ‘bad fairy’ on my
shoulder whispering: “If you feel
happy now, there’ll be a price to
pay later.” Of course, I felt I >>>

happiful.com | Issue 82 | 79
It’s not uncommon
for some people
to fear that if they
are happy about
something, it will
be taken away

80 | Issue 82 | happiful.com

couldn’t tell anyone as it didn’t
make sense. So, it was a guilty
secret I kept to myself.
But, slowly, I was starting to
recognise that the belief I didn’t
deserve happiness had become
deeply embedded in my psyche,
like a splinter I couldn’t dislodge.
Discovering cherophobia
As an author of books on
psychology, as well as a trainee
Gestalt psychotherapist (looking at
how the body processes emotion),
my job is to be curious about
myself. But when I had mentioned
this in talking therapy sessions,
before I started my training, I got
no clear answers.
Often it felt like we were going
around in circles, and not really
getting to the core reasons why I
felt this fear. But when I decided to
write a book analysing why joy is
so much harder to experience in
the modern world, I discovered an
explanation.
I sought out a somatic therapist,
who helps people release
damaging, pent-up emotions in
their body using various mind-
body techniques. After describing
the weird, knotted feeling in
my chest, he got straight to the
point, telling me: “You know
rationally that you have got a
family that cares about you, and
you should be able to enjoy it. It’s
just that your body hasn’t got the
message.”
When I looked further into the
research, I found this discomfort
with feeling happy even had a
name: ‘cherophobia’. It comes
from the words ‘chairo’, which is
Greek for ‘rejoice’, and ‘phobia’,
meaning fear.
When I first heard it, it sounded
ridiculous that we should need a
word for a terror of the number
one thing so many of us want in
life. But as professor of clinical
psychology, Paul Gilbert, of
Derby’s Kingsway Hospital, who
has led research into cherophobia,
told me: “It’s not uncommon for
some people to fear that if they
are happy about something, it will
be taken away.”
It was a lightbulb moment.
Childhood and
cherophobia
This revelation got me thinking
about some of the things that
happened in my childhood
that had led me to believe that
happiness could be snatched
away at any moment. For one
thing, my parents’ marriage
had been volatile, punctuated
by rows and separations from
the moment I was born. My
father’s behaviour could also
be unpredictable, and he could
suddenly switch into black moods
without warning.
Indeed, research, such as that
featured in a study reported in
the Journal of Clinical Psychology,
has found that some people
with cherophobia are not so
much frightened of happy
feelings, as worried about feeling
disappointed when it gets taken
away.
A study in the Indian Journal
of Psychiatry also found a close
relationship between childhood
trauma and dissociation – or
becoming psychologically
distanced during intense
emotion, as I had been on my
wedding day. >>>
wellbeing
Fear of
Happiness
Scale
Developed by Professor Paul
Gilbert and colleagues.
The following are a series of
statements about happiness. Read
each one carefully and give a rating
from 0 to 4, as below, based on
how much each statement applies
to you.
1. I worry that if I feel good,
something bad could happen.
2. Feeling good makes me
uncomfortable.
3. I find it difficult to trust positive
feelings.
4. Good feelings never last.
5. When I am happy, I can never be
sure that something is not going
to hit me out of the blue.
6. If I feel good, I let my guard
down.
7. I don’t let myself get too
excited about positive things or
achievements.
0 Not at all like me
1 A little bit like me
2 Moderately like me
3 Quite a bit like me
4 Extremely like me
Add up your score. There is no
particular range, but the higher
the number, the more you may
fear happiness. Use your results
to explore the subject with a
therapist, or track your feelings
about happiness over time.
happiful.com | Issue 82 | 81

Furthermore, a recent study
published in the journal Depression
and Anxiety in October 2023 found
people who were emotionally
neglected in childhood find it
harder to experience joy as adults.
Researchers, such as in a study
in Neuroscience, believe this can
be attributed to reduced reward
learning, where people may
struggle to feel happy because they
never learnt what felt good in the
first place.
As I learned more about body
awareness, I discovered that fear
of disappointment and loss can
be hard-wired at this young age
into your nervous system – and
triggered at any time you feel
strong emotion, whether that’s
happy or sad.
Other contributing factors to
cherophobia can be growing up in
a family where carefree fun was
frowned on, or where a family
member was depressed or ill,
82 | Issue 82 | happiful.com
making children feel guilty
for having fun.
As professor Paul Gilbert
points out: “Some people
experience happiness as
being relaxed or even lazy, as
if happiness is frivolous and
one must always be striving;
others feel uncomfortable
if they are not always
worrying.”
And his research has
found it’s vital to address a
fear of happiness, because
cherophobia can become
a block for people moving
past depression, as they are
unconsciously frightened of
doing the very things that will
make them feel better.
But the good news is once you
become aware of your fear of
happiness, it’s possible to rewire
yourself, with practice.
Coming back from
cherophobia
Once I understood what was
happening, and that there was
a name for it, I started taking
notice of when those feelings of
discomfort in happy situations
started to surface again. In these
moments, I ground myself by
using one of my five senses to
come back into the ‘here and
now’ – inhaling deeply, taking in
a smell, running my hand under
water, or reaching to feel an
unusual texture.
I also interrupt the process by
reminding myself that I am no
longer a powerless child, and this
discomfort stems from a past that
is long gone.
To get my body used to feeling
joy ‘safely’ and in small amounts,
I’ve also found it helps to look out
for ‘glimmers’ – micro-moments
that make you feel good, and
which calm the nervous system.
For me, ‘a glimmer’ can be
anything from taking time to
watch a squirrel being busy in my
garden, to sticking my hand out
of my car window to feel the wind
as I listen to my favourite song.
I know that it’s never possible
to feel happy all the time. But
allowing these glimmers to add
up enabled me to retrain my body
to recognise that happiness is
possible in those small moments,
and nothing bad will happen.
It’s been over a year since I
have started practising feeling
happy – and it has felt like a slow
thawing. Over time, I’ve come to
feel lighter, more smiley, and find
it easier to laugh.
Now, when my family and
friends are having fun around
me, I am able to let go and join in.
Instead of subconsciously looking
for an escape or a way to sabotage
it, I allow myself to enjoy the
moment, in the here and now.
Tanith Carey, is author of ‘Feeling
‘Blah’? Why Anhedonia Has Left
You Joyless and How to Recapture
Life’s Highs’ (published this March,
Welbeck, £12.99).
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