Lost & Found (Pain & Pleasure Book 3)

Aj Nicole
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Copyright © March 2024 by AJ Nicole

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 Playlist

To the Moon- Phora

What You Love- Olivia Holt
I Almost Do (Taylor’s Version)- Taylor Swift
Something About You- Tayler Buono
Ocean- Martin Garrix, Khalid
Rock Bottom- Hailee Steinfeld, DNCE
Overnight- Jake Miller
Bad Woman- Stanaj
Wonderwall- Oasis
Should’ve Been Us- Tori Kelly
On My Own- Lookas, Able Heart
Between Us- Little Mix
I Got You- Bebe Rexha
Labyrinth- Taylor Swift
Quit- Cashmere Cat, Ariana Grande
moon and back- JVKE
 For those darkened souls like myself,
who sometimes get a little lost in their own head and need an escape.
I hope this makes you feel like you're not alone and helps you find some kind of peace.
Your mental health matters, no matter how whackadoodle people may make you feel.
Stay strong, bestie.
 You must give up the life you had planned,
in order to have the life that is waiting for you.
-Joseph Campbell
 A Note From The Author

This story contains mentions of self-harm (off-page), excessive drinking, talks of depression, some physical abuse and a very
light intro into dark elements weaved into spicy and graphic scenes of mature intimacy.
This story contains mental health rep and talks of alcohol addiction between the MCs and a gambling addiction (non-MC).
This story is intended for audiences of 18 years and older only.
 Contents

the prologues

the prologues
1. one
2. two
3. three

4. four
5. five
6. six
7. seven
8. eight
9. nine
10. ten
11. eleven

12. twelve
13. thirteen
14. fourteen
15. fifteen
16. sixteen
17. seventeen
18. eighteen
19. nineteen
20. twenty
21. twenty-one
22. twenty-two

23. twenty-three
24. twenty-four

25. twenty-five
26. twenty-six

27. twenty-seven
28. twenty-eight
29. twenty-nine
30. thirty
31. thirty-one
32. thirty-two
33. thirty-three
34. thirty-four
35. thirty-five
36. thirty-six
37. thirty-seven
38. thirty-eight

39. thirty-nine
40. epilogue
acknowledgments
About the Author
What's Next?
socials
The Pain & Pleasure Series
 the prologues

Hollis

ELEVEN YEARS AGO

I watch it twirl around in what seems like an endless circle, everyone’s eyes on it the same as mine. The anticipation thick.
Who is it going to land on?
Besides my best friend, Jaelynn, and some others from our class, I am one of the youngest people here. It makes me a bit
nervous because who would want to spend seven minutes in heaven with me? And who even convinced me to play this dumb
game? Oh, right. That would be Jaelynn. She loves doing things that we probably shouldn’t be doing.
Her parents are gone for the weekend and her older sister, two years our senior, decided to throw a party with the sole
purpose to commemorate the start of Summer break. And because Jae didn’t want to be the only incoming high school freshman
in the house, so she invited me and a few others over.
What’s even better, Jaxon is here. And I know he’ll look out for me if I start to feel too uncomfortable.
Jaxon and I pretty much grew up together. Our moms are best friends. And though there’s a four-year age difference between
us, he’s always been there for me. My best friend outside of Jae. He once held me as a baby, called me Holli on occasion
because his lisp prevented him from saying the S too well. He’d playfully pick on me when I wanted to play with Barbies, but
only to turn around and still be Ken just for me. He taught me how to tie my shoes and ride a bike, mostly. But as we got older,
he started hanging out with other people—guys his age.
Middle school is what separated us a tad, but he never let our friendship fade entirely away. He was still protective over me,
and we hung out at the movies sometimes. And I started to feel something more towards him. Call it an absurd childish crush of
some sort. A little ounce of spark. But it wasn't until about two years ago when I started to really notice him. I got to see him
grow and change. He was different. I was also different. But he still assured me we were best friends.
But we still did family dinners, almost every Sunday like clockwork. And if he wasn’t busy with his other friends, he’d take
his spot right next to me, as usual, and talk to me like nothing had changed between us. Like he was still my best friend.
But then he stopped showing up as much. And soon, he stopped showing at all.
 We'd text occasionally but realized that he wasn't the only one who's life was rerouting.
He’s almost eighteen now and I know he probably has a lot more options who are closer to his age than I am. And when he
does turn eighteen, he’ll technically be an adult, and some would look down on the age difference at that point. An eighteen-
year-old and an almost fifteen-year-old.
So, I never thought to tell him about the feelings I’d started to feel. Because I don’t want to ruin the friendship—what little of
it is left—and I don’t want to be left embarrassed that I thought someone like Jax could actually want something more with
someone like me.
But as the glass Coke bottle slows down from its rapid spin, and stops right in front of him, my heart stops in tandem.
No.
I can’t.
I look over to Jae who is almost giddy with excitement. She’s known about my crush on Jax since I figured it out myself.
Jax looks up at me, his smirk dropping a bit, but he looks at me as if it’s fine that we do this, or not do this. His eyes are
incredibly…safe.
But my heart beats rapidly because being in this situation is not something I’m used to.
Why are we even here? Why did I agree to come to this stupid party? My mom would kill me if she found out that Jae’s older
sister was throwing a party. And she would definitely kill me even more if she found me stuffed in a closet with some boy after
playing spin the bottle.
But this is Jax. Part of me wants to think that she’d feel better knowing that he was here with me, but I know that won’t
entirely be the case if she ever finds out.
I shake my head, more so to tell myself that I can't play this stupid game. I'll curse Jaelynn out later for daring me to. She
knows I can't turn down a dare. I was never a fan of parties though, and now I know why. There’s too much at stake, like getting
into trouble and dumb games like these that are way out of my comfort zone. I get good grades and stay home on the weekends.
I don’t go out and play kissing games where kids my age are drinking and smoking weed out back. I love math and reading and
things that feel safe…like Jax’s eyes. I don’t do stuff like this.
The chatter of everyone around us is loud enough for me to not be the center of attention as I try to gather my thoughts. And
though the circle of players is waiting for us to get up and head into the closet—spin the bottle but make it seven minutes in
heaven—they don’t rush it.
Which gives Jax enough time to send me a text message.
We don’t have to. But you know these assholes will make fun of you so I’d say we better head into the closet. We don’t
need to do what anyone thinks we’re going to do. It’s your call, Holli. You know I’ll back you.

That’s who Jaxon is to me. My protector. My supporter. My best friend. Even after all this time. I know he’ll look out for me
and do what’s best for me if I really need him to. I know he’ll also play along if I pretended to go into this stupid closet and
told everyone we kissed just so I wouldn’t get made fun of. But what if I don’t want to pretend?
This would be the perfect time for me to admit my feelings to him. There’s only five more hours till midnight, meaning five
more hours till he’s an official adult. And I’ll be fifteen in December, so it wouldn’t be that bad, right? And if he rejects me, oh
well. He’s leaving tomorrow anyways, right? Something I don't think I've mentally prepared myself for yet but we’ll cross that
bridge when we get to it.
I send him a text back.
Pretend
 And he smirks, reading the message and tossing his bottle of water over to his friend before getting up. That’s when everyone
else in the circle starts to make cheering sounds. And everyone coos and awes when I start to stand up. Jae gives me a hopeful
glance and I try not to trip on my nerves.
Pretend.
This can only be pretend.
But boy, was I wrong.
Jaxon

ONE MONTH AGO

“So, what exactly did you want to talk about?” I walk into the office of my boss, Callan.
I’ve been working for Callan for the last six years. When I applied for a job at his dealership, I didn’t really expect much
other than a temporary position while I finished out school. Turns out, science and engineering weren’t really my forte, but
people were. Business and sales are where I thrive.
His dad was the one who'd hired me, but only because my dad was a client of his, or at least I think. I don’t really think I
would have gotten hired if he wasn’t.
But I did the job, and I did it right. In fact, I’ve been a top salesman for the last three years. I’ve made enough money to last
me nearly the rest of my life if I live it right. Take that Kylan—Mr. Goodie-Two-Shoes, can’t do nothing wrong.
So, what started out as a temporary thing turned into something that I actually enjoyed and was good at. But all good things
must come to an end.
“Well. I think it’s my time to leave, pal.” I sit down in the chair across from him. He's wearing one of his sharp black suits
today, pretty much the same as me. Formal attire required for the types of cars we sell.
“Elaborate.” Callan’s voice is a mix of concern but also awareness. We both knew my time was up soon.
I run my tattooed hand through my blonde hair and take a deep breath. I hate to leave, but I have to. I promised my mom I’d
return home after college. But college turned into not-college and then into a few more years after. So, it’s about time I keep my
promise to her even though I have an ulterior motive. My mom and I haven’t really gotten along and there’s someone I’m dying
to get back to.
“It’s been fun and all, but I think it’s time for me to head back home.” I lean back in the office chair, needing to relax because
I’m kind of anxious for no real reason. I don’t really know why I’m worried about Callan and this company. It’s a multi-billion-
dollar company and I’m sure he’ll be fine without me. But I know I’ll miss it and my nerves might be stemming from something
else entirely.
“College about over?” Callan asks, and I chuckle because dang did I need that. Leaving this place means giving up a life I
know. But I think it's time to go get the life I want.
The problem is, I don't even know if she still lives there. She kind of left me on read since I left so while it's something I am
anticipating—seeing her again—I don't want to get my hopes up.
Sensing my trip down memory lane, Callan moves his chair closer and leans in.
"It's going to be fine, Jax. Don't let all that bullshit get to your head."
"Easy for you to say, you've managed your family drama."
 "Correction, part of my family drama died."
"Damn, that got dark." He chuckles and I twist my lips.
"Just saying. Family drama doesn't ever really go away."
"It's not as much that, as it is…" I trail off. The memory of her is faint but still so bold. In a way, that makes sense to me. I had
to force myself to stop thinking about what could have been and meanwhile, pretended to move on.
"You gonna find her?" Callan's words ring deep in my head, and my heart to be honest.
Does she even want me to find her? Will it be easy? Will I run into her? Would it be weird to ask around for her?
"I'm gonna try. I don't even know if she cares that I come back or even if she lives in the same town anymore." That idea
alone has me feeling nervous for reasons I can't explain. "Or if she forgot about me."
"That was a tough time for you. I obviously wasn't there from the beginning, but hearing you talk about her…I could see the
hurt in your eyes."
"It's whatever now. I really hope that I get the chance to catch up with her at the least."
"Don't try and be so aloof, Jax. Coming from the guy who once told me to fuck a girl I was obsessed with to, what was it you
said? See if she'd be worth it, I believe were your exact words."
"Worked, didn't it?" I shrug my shoulders.
"Besides the point. Just, start with finding her. I'm sure you'll know where to go from there."
Cal and I have been friends pretty much since the day I started. Though it hasn't been a deep friendship, we occasionally
shared some personal shit. We bonded over our love for cars, anything with a motor really. And it kind of grew from there.
When I started working here, there would be days when I wasn't myself and he would notice. That's when I told him about her.
The girl I used to call my best friend. The girl I left behind.
And in a way, I left a part of myself behind with her. Though, it's a silly idea to have really. Because we were never more
than friends.
And I made sure we stayed that way.
“I can give you about another month, but then I gotta get outta here,” I say as I lightly grip the armrests to the chair I'm seated
in, changing the subject.
“Of course, anything I can do for you in the meantime?” Callan stands up from his chair and I match him, before we both walk
toward the door and out of his office.
“Yeah, can I borrow the shop for a few weekends?” I stop and turn to him, returning his gesture of a hand shake and he gives
me a knowing smirk but asks anyway.
“What for?”
I smirk at him. “The Harley.”

“Yeah, mom. I’ll be there by Friday.”

It’s been four weeks since I turned in my resignation at the dealership. Four weeks of living up the last of my life here in
Colorado and preparing to go back to good ol’ Dallas, Texas. To say the excitement is missing is an understatement. I'm not
ready to go back to being a letdown. Especially considering my younger brother was back from his deployment. And damn if I
wasn’t the biggest loser in my mom’s eyes compared to him. It was why I liked living with my dad, there was no competition,
no expectations.
 “Jaxon, you know I can’t wait to see you right? It’s been so long.” My mother goes on and on about the importance of family
and spending time together. And how she can’t wait for me to meet her new husband.
I have my phone crushed between my ear and my shoulder when it vibrates, I stop packing my last suitcase to pull it away
and see what it was. My mom’s tiny, echoed voice still rambling on about something in the speaker as I pull up the text.
Heard you’re gonna be back in town this weekend? Perfect timing my dude because there’s a party at the Grizzly and
everyone wants you there.

Everyone. I scoff. I doubt anyone even really remembers me. But I don’t blame them, I never kept in contact with anyone
either.
I have the number saved, and though it’s been years since I’ve personally talked to Mason, other than social media comments
and shit—which I’m not really a fan of—I know it would be nice to catch up. And I know the everyone he’s talking about.
Suddenly, my mind goes back to raven hair and golden onyx eyes. I wonder what it would be like to see her again. It’s been
so long, not even a noise from social media. I don’t even know if she still lives in Dallas anymore.
I shoot Mason a text back, just like no time has escaped us.
I’m down

"Jaxon? Are you even listening to me?" I totally space my mom is on the phone.
"Yeah, mom. Sorry. I have a lot to pack still."
A decade does a lot to you, so much time has passed, and growth was made. But nothing compares to those old friendships.
And shit, twenty-nine isn’t too old to reconnect with past friends.
I guess I do have something to look forward to.
Hopefully, the one person I’m counting on is there.
 one

Hollis

PRESENT DAY

“Hollis, dinner is ready.” I roll my eyes to no one but myself as I shut my book, annoyed that I didn’t get to finish the chapter I
was on—the enemies were just about to turn into lovers, if you know what I'm saying— before mom was yelling at me to come
downstairs.
But when she says jump, I jump. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because I’m a people pleaser and saying no or being defiant is
not in my DNA. Or maybe because my mom is strict as fuck for no real reason, and I don't want to keep being the failed child in
her eyes.
“Hollis Marie Mendoza!” I cringe as I jump out of my bed. Being called by my full, government name isn’t fun at all. And at
the age of twenty-five, you’d think that maybe she’d give up on treating me like a child. But I guess I live under her roof, so I
have to follow her rules.
I pad down the steps and into the dining room where Daddy already sits at one end of the too-long-for-three-people dining
table while Mom starts serving our plates.
It’s only the three of us. I always thought being an only child was a dream come true, because it meant I could be the center of
attention. Then I realized I also had to do everything my mom asked me to do, and I had to do it with a smile or get disciplined.
So, I kind of grew out of not wanting siblings, if only so my mom could evenly dish out her aggression.
As I pull out my chair, I look over to my dad who is all smiles and cheer as he watches my mom move about the table dishing
out mashed potatoes, green beans, mac n cheese, and Daddy’s favorite green chili, which she wanted to learn how to make just
for him. And don’t tell her, but she doesn’t do it nearly as well as Abuelita. Daddy’s mom made the best green chili. Too bad
her and my mom never got along because my mom could have really used her tips.
“Mija, sit down.” My dad signals me to hurry up and sit. “Dinner looks good,” he says to my mom who smiles sweetly at
him.
 “It does, Mom. But thanksgiving is like two months away, what’s with the big spread?” I attempt to joke but holy, if looks
could kill.
“Your father got a promotion at work. We’re celebrating.” She scoops some macaroni onto my plate, almost like that of a
sloppy lunch lady scoop. Imagine Trunchbull but with the smile and demeanor of Miss Honey.
“You did, Daddy? Congrats,” I say as I lean out of my chair and reach over to give him a kiss on his cheek.
His big brown eyes crinkle in the corners as he smiles and smooths the napkin over his lap. I take mental note that I’m glad I
got my dad’s darker features instead of my mom’s. Though my mom is absolutely stunning with her natural blonde hair and
bright green eyes, it’s not a look I wanted to try to have to compete against. Again, people pleaser. I feel as though I’d let my
mom down if I didn’t pull off her lighter features as well as she does, so I praise my dad for giving me his dark brown eyes and
nearly black hair.
I sit at the table with my ripped black jeans, a cropped Selena t-shirt, a nose piercing, tattoos up and down my arms, and
deep red lipstick. Meanwhile, my mom serves us dinner in her fitted-but-not-too-tight, red mock neck dress and sleek black
pumps and my dad sports one of his Armani suits. See what I mean?
I remember in high school my mom called me an emo-queen–whatever the hell that means–and said it was only a phase and
I’d get over it soon. Well, guess what mom? Is it a phase still?
“Hollis, could you possibly have put on something nicer for dinner?” My mom shoots me an evil glare before finally sitting
down in her own chair across from me.
“Yeah, mom. Had I known we were celebrating something big, I’d maybe throw on a pair of black jeans with less holes,” I
tell her sarcastically. Sometimes, my mom's and mine arguments aren't anything more than just small bickering. I know she's not
trying to be a bitch and I know I can talk back to her without her taking it too seriously, but I also know that she really did
expect someone other than what she got for a daughter.
I know she loves me though. It's different with us.
I don’t miss the eye roll she manages as Daddy reaches for her hand and squeezes gently.
“She’s fine, Cariño.” And that's when I see my mom relax entirely at the sound of his voice. It’s magic really. How someone
so pent up and aggressive—minorly so—can unwind at the smallest sound or touch.
I’ve never felt true neglect or refusal from my mom, or either of my parents actually. But she can be wound up like a fucking
cymbal-banging monkey sometimes and I just happen to receive the brunt of it. “Because I love you and I want you to be
successful, Hollis. I only want what’s best for you,” she’d say. But it’s easier said than done. Because as much as she wants
me to grow up like her, under a strict household and fully knowing what one wants in life, I don’t have any of that shit figured
out. And if anything, it’s only made me more curious in the rebelling department and less eager to figure out my life. Downside
to that, I still live at home.
“Well, congrats, Daddy,” I tell him before pouring a small spoonful of my mom’s wanna-be Abuelita’s green chili over my
chicken and mashed potatoes.
I pull a bit of the chicken into my mouth and begin to chew when my mom decides to drop a bomb on me.
“So, I heard Jaxon is back in town.”
I choke on my food and start coughing incessantly. My dad gives my mom crazy eyes before they both look at me like I’m a
fish out of water.
“Are you okay?” my dad asks.
I swallow down my food before I wipe my face with the napkin.
Jaxon. I haven’t heard that name in forever, but only because I chose to forget.
 “Yeah, yeah. That’s great.”
“Delanie told me a few days ago that he was coming back home for a bit.” My mom takes a bite of her food while I try to
gather my wits about me.
Delanie is Jaxon’s mother. Her and my mom are still the best of friends. And even better, she still lives right across the street
from us.
When Jaxon left to go live with his dad, my whole world changed, believe or not. It was like a piece of me left with him and
I never really got it back. I tried desperately to forget about the last time I saw him all together. That day ruined me.
“Did Delanie say where he would be staying?” I try to swallow the lump in my throat. If she says Jaxon is moving in with his
mom, I’m going to lose it. One would think that I’d be happy that my old best friend would be moving back home. But really,
I’m not excited. Jaxon left me heartbroken, and I don’t really know if I’m ready to face him yet. Or ever.
Though I will admit, I start wondering how he’s been. What he’s been up to. And why he’s coming back. God, I hope this
doesn’t make things worse.
Especially because he’s not going to be too happy with me.
“She said he’s got a place downtown, but he’ll be staying in her guestroom for the weekend until all of his belongings get
delivered.” She smiles, finally a calm version of herself. The one that I can get along with easier. I love when she’s at dinner
with Daddy and a glass of wine occupies her hand. She’s manageable this way. And I see all the things I love about her.
Relief washes over me when I realize I won’t need to see him every day. And maybe, if I try hard enough, I can avoid him the
rest of the weekend too.
We finish eating our dinner in silence but it’s not long before there’s a knock on the door, and for some reason, I freeze.
“Oh, that’s Delanie. I told her to come get me when she’s ready for a game night. Thought it would be a fun way to have a
reunion.” I frantically look over to Daddy who’s cleaning up the dishes while mom walks over to the front door.
“Wait? Tonight? Mom I can’t tonight. It’s Jaelynn’s birthday and we made plans to go out. You knew that.” I try to explain,
following her into the foyer.
“Hollis, this is family. And Jaelynn goes out every night. You can stay home one night. Don’t you want to see Jaxon? You
used to love game night.” She keeps walking and eventually makes it to the doorknob.
Sure, I loved game night. Back when I did a better job at actually doing what I was told and being a goodie-two-shoes. But
now, despite my living situation, I’ve changed and the idea of doing this abrupt family reunion makes my skin itch. I turn around
quickly and book it into the kitchen to plead to my dad. I know he’ll listen to me.
“Daddy, I’ve had these plans for weeks. Can’t you convince mom it’s okay for me to not do this? Besides, Jaxon and I
haven’t talked in years. He’s not going to care if I’m there or not.” Daddy loads dishes into the dishwasher when he takes a
deep sigh.
“Hollis, your mom only wants to spend some time with you. We haven’t had a game night since-”
“Since I was like fifteen, Dad. And mom wants to spend time judging my outfits and telling me how much better I'd be if I
wore pink instead of black. And I can’t miss my best friend’s birthday. It’s against so many girl rules. And I’m an adult, Daddy.
I should be able to say whether or not I want to do this silly little game night.” I hate that I have to fight for my right to make my
own decisions, but if I have to hear my mom tell me that I have to do something one more time that I don’t want to do, I’m going
to scream.
And I've spent most of the week in this house, I need out. I’m fucking twenty-five years old and being a people pleaser
doesn’t help my case. I think my mom uses that to her advantage because she knows I can’t say no.
At least very often.
 “Don’t let your mama hear you say that.” He lays down his drying towel and turns to look at me. “But you’re right. You’re an
adult. And if you don’t want to partido con su familia,” he does a little dad-boogie which does make me giggle, “then you
don’t have to. But you better get out of here before your mom comes back or she will make you stay.”
I lean up on my toes and give him a kiss on his cheek, not hesitating to take his advice.
“Thank you, Daddy. You’re the best.” I smile and he shoos me away.
“I’ll deal with your mom. Have a good night.” I sneak past my dad and grab my things by the back door before snatching up
the keys to my Range Rover and getting the heck out of there.
Before I back out of the driveway, I text Jaelynn and let her know I’m on my way. I buckle up and start reversing it onto the
street. But something catches my attention in the rearview mirror.
A motorcycle. At Delanie’s. It’s not her husband’s, or Kylan’s. I know they don’t ride, and I’ve never seen a motorcycle at
their house, ever.
So, that can only mean one thing is for sure. It has to be his.
Jaxon Monroe is really back in town.
 two

Hollis

I park my car in the busy lot of the Grizzly Rose—the Grizzly for short. It’s packed, even though it's only nine at night. But I
know it’s probably because Jaelynn invited everyone she knows by name.
We live in a little suburb outside of Dallas, it's smaller than the city but not quieter by any means. If anything, it's just as loud
because everyone knows everyone and unless you left for college years ago, you were probably still stuck in this small town.
Like me.
But the only downside to that was living with my parents. I know, I know. Imagine being twenty-five years old and not having
a place of your own. But I gave myself a five-year plan, one that my dad supported and in barely a few short months, that
timeframe ends, and I’ll finally be out.
Correction, my mom will be kicking me out.
Because I failed.
I attended a community college when I was studying for social work and then decided I didn’t like it, so I switched lanes to
criminal justice, and though my dad and mom were both excited for that decision, I didn’t feel like I’d fit in as a police officer.
So, I dropped that and jumped to dental hygiene. But anyone who wants to spend the rest of their life staring at people’s
mouths, I don’t trust them, and I wasn’t going to be one of them, so I dropped college all together. May was only four months
ago, and it would have been the month I should have graduated with a degree in something, but instead I only got the third
degree from my mom. So she's kicking me out. Which is fine because it’s about time I do my own thing.
The only reason why I stayed home was because Daddy agreed to pay for an apartment for me if I wanted to move out, or he
would pay the rest of my tuition. l graduated high school with a 4.0 GPA and I had a decent scholarship, but it wasn’t a full ride
and school was expensive. Especially when you start over again and again. I decided it was going to be harder for me to work
throughout school so I chose the route of staying home and having my dad pay for the rest of my school.
I felt like a major letdown after I dropped out of school, causing the financial board to yank my scholarship early and Daddy
had to pay a lot more than expected just so I could figure out that I didn’t want to do it anymore. I never wanted to fail my
parents after all they've done for me. I was going through some major life hiccups that made me feel worse, even though my dad
said it was okay.
 I applied for a couple of places to work over the Summer but nothing ever stuck. I now have to find a place of my own, and a
job, so I can get out and prove to my parents and myself that I'm better than the path that I unpremeditatedly fell down.
I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m going to figure it out...just not right now.
I walk into the Grizzly and see that it’s packed. I look around for a few moments to see if I spot Jae but it’s no use.
The Grizzly is a dance bar sculpted from red oak wood and red brick. In the middle is a dance floor surrounded by a dimly
lit bar on the left that stretches to the back of the building. And to the right are pool and foosball tables which are next to a
stage where karaoke is optional. Sometimes a live band will play on stage, but tonight it’s a local DJ.
I assume Jaelynn is late so I walk over to the bar and see Juniper, a girl I went to school with. We didn’t know each other too
well but she’s friends with Jaelynn and she happens to be the bartender tonight.
“Hey, Holl. What can I get ya?” Her small smile curls as she pours a draft from a beer faucet.
“I’ll take a blue moon please, extra oranges.” I lean against the bar between two people I don’t recognize.
“Got ya, sweets. Coming right up.”
“Thanks Juniper. Hey, by chance are you guys hiring?” She dips down to grab a glass from the freezer.
“No, right now we’re fully staffed but I heard that Willows is hiring,” she mentions before she turns from me to fulfill drink
orders.
I turn in my seat while I wait for my beer to see if Jae has walked in and lo and behold, there she is walking through the
doors right as my eyes swing that way.
“Jae!” I shout as I wave my hand in the air. The people next to me act as if I’ve invaded their space so I jump off the counter
and run in her direction, telling Juniper I’ll be right back.
She sees me almost instantly and greets me with a big hug.
“Late to your own party,” I quip.
“Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?” She laughs as we link arms and walk back toward the bar.
At the same time, Juniper slides me the blue moon.
“One for me, June?” Jaelynn asks as she settles into the free barstool next to me.
“So, how does it feel being twenty-six? Tell me all about it.” I poke at her as we wait.
“Honestly, no different than twenty-five, but I’m declaring a more bad-ass year.” She pulls her ponytail tighter in its hold, a
smile wide on her face and her eyes bright in the lighting of the bar.
“How so?” I take a sip of my beer, watching her scan the room.
“Well, for one. I’m newly single and ready to mingle. And two, I’m not giving a fuck this year.”
“You didn’t give a fuck last year then either,” I deadpan, taking one of my orange slices from the rim of my glass and
squeezing it into my beer. I take a gulp and let the smooth liquid run down my throat.
“To-may-to, to-mah-to.” She giggles as she picks up the glass Juniper just slid in front of her.
She picks it up to take a sip, my best friend in all of her tall, tan, and blonde glory. Her hazel eyes gleam as she gulps down
her drink. She’s dressed head to toe in sequins and glitter. From her mini crop top to her short skirt and her boots. Everything
shines on her. She’s a disco ball while I sport a whole lot of black and fishnet. And as different as we are from one another, we
somehow have a pretty seamless friendship. The only thing we have in common is the kind of beer we like and sometimes the
men. Otherwise, complete opposites and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Before I know it, a crowd starts to form around the birthday girl. I almost forgot that she invited everyone here. Of course, I’d
only get her for a few minutes before everyone else flocks in. She’s swarmed in her chair by guys and girls in a matter of
seconds, proving how much more popular she is than I ever was. I only had a few people in my corner. Of course I had
Jaelynn, and Jax—until I didn’t—and more recently…
“Hey, babe.” A pair of arms wraps around my waist where I stand at the bar. I don’t flinch though, because I recognize the
voice.
I turn to see Liam standing behind me with a drunken glaze glittering in his eyes. Already wasted. Great.
I frown at the thought but then decide it’s not the battle I want to fight today. It’s a party after all, but I already know I’m going
to have to be the one to get him home tonight which means this will have been my first and only beer.
“Hey. How long have you been here for?” I hadn’t even realized he was going to come; Jae doesn’t even like him that much.
But then I hear a ruckus over the music near the pool tables and see that his whole friend group is here. Double great.
“A couple hours.” He leans in somewhat sloppily and plants a wet kiss on my lips, in which I don’t even return because I’m
caught off guard.
Liam and I have been dating for about a year. We never actually attended school together because he’s about four years older
than me, but those times were kind of…different for us. But we never had anything romantic growing up, in fact we never hung
out. We only reconnected a few years ago and I kind of grew some feelings for him. He claims love, but I don’t feel that
strongly quite yet. He doesn’t seem to have a problem with that so I’m grateful that there’s no pressure coming from his side.
But I do feel bad sometimes because he’s been so patient with me.
Liam had kind of a bad reputation when I knew him in school. He was actually a bully. Call me crazy but I was one of the
kids he bullied.
He basically did what all the other kids did and called me Wednesday. He’d say, “It’s Friday, freak. Go home. Wednesday
isn’t for five more days.” For a seventeen-year-old, his bullying was real…impressive. Insert eye roll emoji here. But it did
hurt when I was younger, not going to lie.
You know how people always tell you growing up that if a boy picks on you, it’s because he likes you? You might say that’s
what happened here. And sure, I probably should have never sent another glance his way after some of the shit he’s said to me,
but what’s the point of growth and second chances if you aren’t provided with the opportunity to showcase any of it?
And Liam grew up to be a sweet guy and he cares about me. Well, I actually think he’s starting to get tired of waiting for me
to fall in love with him because lately things have been a bit rocky, but I don’t know what to do. If I’m not ready to commit my
love to him, why should I have to force it? But I don’t expect him to keep waiting so I need to figure out what we’re doing.
“I’m gon’ head back over to the boys, babe. See ya soon.” Liam kisses me, this time on the cheek, and he heads back towards
his other drunken friends.
I look over to see that Jae isn’t even next to me anymore. So, I take the last swig of my beer and push off the bar to head
toward the restroom.
As I walk toward the back of the bar, music thrums in the space above me as lights flutter all around. People are chatting and
dancing. I feel my phone buzz in my back pocket, so I reach to grab it. I look down to see the text from my mom.
You know how important family is, Hollis. I can’t believe you would rather be at a party right now than here with your
family.

I roll my eyes at the scold, making a mental note to prepare for the wrath for when I get home.
Before I can think of anything to respond to her with, I run into a wall.
“Ouch, fuck.” I breathe out.
I shouldn’t have been texting and walking.
But when I look up, I’m not actually facing a wall.
 I’m facing six feet of rock-hard chest dressed in a back V-neck and a leather jacket. I swallow as a familiar scent of amber
and tobacco swirls in my nostrils.
I dare rake my eyes upward to find the face of the man I ran into, nervous because I have a painful inclination as to who this
is.
And before I know it, I’m met with the most mesmerizing pair of bright ocean blue eyes, messy blonde hair, and a smirk that
could kill.
“Hello, Holli. Long time no see.”
 three

Jaxon

“What are you doing here?” she asks me, a raspier tone than I remember her having. Actually, she's more than I remember all
together. Because damn, if she didn’t grow the fuck up.
“I was invited. Same as you and everyone else,” I say, not giving her too much to overthink. Then again, she would have
known that I'd be here if she hadn't stopped talking to me all those years ago. I anticipate that we'd still be friends…if not,
more.
“Okay, but…” she trails off and she clicks her phone screen locked before stuffing it back into her pocket. The pocket on her
jeans that are way too fucking tight on her body that is just-
“I guess I just…” she interrupts my thoughts, not seeming to be able to speak any of hers. I can tell she’s a bit speechless.
I give a brief glance to the surrounding area and see that we are practically alone in the hallway. The unisex bathrooms sit on
either side of us, so as soon as I see someone leave one of them, I decide to spontaneously pull her in, locking the door behind
us.
“What are you doing?” she protests as I gently push her up against the wall, closing her in with my hands pressed against the
brick on either side of her head.
“Figured we pick up where we left off,” I quip. But I give her an unintentionally intimate glare, taking in the piercing on her
nose, the amber specks in her black eyes, and the pinch of her lip between her teeth.
This wasn’t meant to feel so intense so quickly but suddenly, it feels too fucking hot in here and this leather jacket feels
constricting.
Hollis looks about five-seven to my six. She’s wearing a pair of black jeans, ripped up and layering the pair of fishnets she’s
got underneath them. Fuck. Her shirt is an AC/DC t-shirt, oversized and clearly one of her favorites considering the fading in
it. She still has that beautiful tan skin, those dark, almost black eyes. But her hair…it’s still silky black. But it’s a lot longer
now and she’s got this midnight blue streak in it that really fucks with me in a way I never imaged hair could.
I watch her breathe, her breasts rising with the intake of air. And I can see her looking at me the same way I’m looking at her.
Mystified.
 But this is my best friend. Was my best friend. And the way that I’m looking at her, the way she’s looking at me, should not be
the way that best friends, or old best friends, should be looking at each other.
Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe she’s looking at me more annoyed than intrigued and I'm too fucking focused on how it feels to
finally see her again to notice.
I back away a few feet to give her some space.
“I was only playing with you, Holli. But it’s been a good eleven years since I’ve seen you. Figured we were due the silence
for a minute.” I try to reassure her, but I don’t think I have the same effect on her as I used to.
We’re practically strangers now. We’ve both grown so much since the last time we’ve seen each other and I’m afraid we
don’t know each other anymore.
“Jaxon,” she whispers my name. But I don’t sense anything other than…pain?
“Hollis.” I lean up against the sink across from her. The silence between us deepens as I analyze her, and she stares at the
floor. Does she not miss me?
But the silence breaks as someone knocks on the door.
“Busy,” I holler and the person on the other side groans but gets the hint.
Hollis shifts in her position. Is that…discomfort?
“What are you doing here?” she asks again, obviously looking for more than I gave her the first time.
“I’m back in town. Got invited to this party. So, here I am.” I don’t know what else to tell her. That’s the only answer I can
give and it may come off as short to her, but I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m not as wanted as I had hoped.
She lifts up off the wall, now a look of annoyance painting her facial expression, and she heads toward the door.
“Wait.” I reach for her arm, but she tugs it away faster than I know how to react.
“Jaxon, you can’t just do this.” She waves her hands around. “This is not something that we can do. It’s been eleven years…”
she whispers that last part, probably hoping I wouldn’t catch the sting in her tone. But I do.
“You know I had to leave,” I answer her. It wasn’t like I suddenly got up left. She knew my plans after graduating high
school. So, I don’t understand why she sounds so pained by it.
“I know that, but I-” She can’t even keep eye contact with me. Is that because I made her mad? Have I upset her? Is she
shocked?
Whatever it is, despite the fact that we have a lot of catching up to do, it bothers the crap out of me. But before I can conjure
up any sort of response, she unlocks the door.
“I have to go, nice seeing you.” Then she leaves.
And I’m kind of confused. I would think that after all this time, she’d be excited to see me again. Maybe a friendly hug at
least? I hope she knows I was just fucking with her by saying we’d pick back up where we left off. But not even so much as eye
contact.
I wonder what her problem is.

It’s been about an hour since my encounter in the bathroom with Hollis, and she seems to have taken off for the night because I
haven’t seen her since.
“What crawled up your ass?” Mason asks as he slides in next to me at the bar.
“Who said anything did?” I deadpan, taking another big gulp from my fourth beer.
 “You look like something definitely crawled up your ass and died, dude. Somber and tragic as fuck is what you look like.”
Normally I’d brush off his comment, but because I’m on the road to being a belligerent drunk tonight, I decide to entertain his
accusation.
“Well, man. Let’s see,” I finish off the draft and wave for another, then finish my explanation, “The one person I was looking
forward to seeing tonight totally blew me off like I was dust in the wind. My mom has already started badgering me about my
lack of degree. But she completely skipped over the fact that I basically can afford anything she or I could ever want for
practically the rest of our lives. And in tandem with that, she’s been comparing my younger brother's success to my lack thereof
and obviously sharing how proud of him she is with the world. Because not more than a minute of his foot through the fucking
door and the social media posts were flooding in.” I reach for the fresh beer that the familiar bartender slid to me and chug the
damn thing down in three swallows.
"I forgot. You're, like, super rich now," Mason states.
"That would be all you fucking got from that." I let out a sigh of annoyance.
“Shittin' ya. But I guess the somber and tragic looks are warranted. But that doesn’t mean that it looks good on you. Maybe
we need to loosen you up.” He nudges me as if I haven’t spent the last hour trying to do exactly that.
“Thanks for your concern, Mase. But I’m fine."
“No, dude.” He looks around behind us before coming up with a potential.
“Her. She’s cute. You remember Valentina, right? She got a boob job and I heard she fucks like a porn star.” His back is
leaning against the bar top while I continue to face the wall of liquor cabinets behind the bar, waiting on another beer.
I don’t even bother to look because I do remember Valentina, she was in her sophomore year when we were in our senior.
But we never needed to interact, so we didn't. The only person I ever had connections with who was younger than me by any
age was my younger brother or Hollis.
“She’s not even that cute,” I say stalely. But really, Valentina was an averagely pretty girl from what I remember. I'm really
not interested.
“Umm, okay. Prettier. Copy. How about…” he pauses while he tries to come up with another name. “Stella. She's blonde
now. And she doesn’t have her braces anymore. Remember those things? She had the contraption that wrapped around her
whole head. But look at her, Jax.” He elbows me. “She’s a fucking bunny now.” He swigs his beer down and I mentally groan.
Dude can try all night long to find me a one-night stand. And normally, I’d be game as all heck. But tonight, tonight is
different. Tonight sucks. And not even a quick nut would fix it. And also, how is it that he can go back to acting like all these
years apart haven't separated us, but Hollis can't?
My Holli.
She's the only thing on my mind right now. And I don’t even know why. The last time I saw her, we were trapped in a stupid
room together and she-
“Better fuck the back ass up!” I’m shaken out of my reminisce by a loud ruckus behind me—a dude yelling in a loud drunken
slur of what sounded like words but didn't form an actual tangible sentence.
“Oh shit!” Mason shouts as he slams his beer down. I turn quickly to find the culprit but all I see is a crowd of people over at
the pool tables, so I pull myself together enough to walk that direction, not like I care what’s going on, but my curiosity is
piqued.
“I said, back fuck up!” As I get closer and try to maneuver that crowd, I realize that the dude screaming sounds familiar.
I push my way behind Mason to the front of the crowd. And I hear her, before I see her.
“Stop, this is stupid.” Hollis has her back to me when I find my way at the front of the crowd.
 There’s one guy next to her in a red shirt, the drunk guy yelling, and another in front wearing a basketball jersey. I don’t
recognize the one in front of her, but the one next to her, I feel like I know him.
“I didn’t even fucking touch her!” Basketball Jersey yells.
Hollis is standing between both men; she’s got the sloppy fool by the shirt in what looks like an attempt to stop him from
jumping the other dude. He grabs her arm to push away from her hold, and she shoves back slightly.
Anger rises in my blood as I watch the interaction happen so quickly in front of me. When the guy tries to break free of her
grip again, he ends up pushing Hollis a little too hard but stumbles a little on his own accord, and that’s when I see his face.
Liam.
My fists ball at my side as I watch Hollis lose her balance from the shove and I don't hesitate to get closer.
“Get the fuck off her.” I yell, not sure if I was loud enough because the five—or was it six?—beers I drank are drowning out
the sound.
“Jax, no.” Hollis stands up straighter and steps in my way, her tone stern and demanding. The dude in the basketball jersey
says, “I’m out.” as he swipes his hands against each other and dips before I have a chance to truly intervene.
But Liam turns to face me when he realizes what's happening and his brows pinch together. Wow. He’s even more wasted
than I am. In fact, he looks fucking fried, his eyes bloodshot red and his face a bit pale.
“I know you. That one guy.” He attempts to point his finger my way but staggers over his own feet, dude wasn’t even walking
and still manages to trip.
“I’m gonna need you to back away from her,” I demand in any kind of strong-willed tone I can muster. I walk right up to him,
placing my palms out in front of me and push him in his chest. He stumbles back into a billiard table and Hollis gasps.
“What the fuck is your problem?” she asks, yelling at me?
“Me? He just fucking pushed you!”
“He didn’t mean to. And you have no right,” Hollis responds as she reaches for Liam and swings his arm over her shoulder.
I remember a day when I did have the right, where I had to stand up for her often when it came to Liam. Except, back then, I
couldn’t do much. He always had the upper hand. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t try. In the end, it only got me punched in the
face or kicked in the stomach. Or called a loser. Sticks and stones, but Liam was ruthless. But I'd endure it all if only to protect
Hollis. I did.
“I don’t understand. Can I not stand up for you?” I lower my voice a tad, realizing I'm probably yelling louder than intended
despite not being able to hear very well.
Hollis’ face goes white, and her eyes wide. I see her look around the room as she tries to stabilize Liam and I realize the
whole fucking bar is staring at us.
“Can we help you?” Hollis bites at them, and like nothing I’ve ever seen before, they all scatter like ants back to their hills,
like this wasn’t happening around them. That's new. Hollis was never brave enough to tell anyone off, let alone a room full of
too-curious alcoholics.
“Jax, you need to leave this alone.” She looks back at me but still isn’t looking me in the eyes.
“Is gotta be fun seeing you 'gain. Sbeen a long time. Maybe we should-”
“Shut up, Liam,” Hollis tells him before shifting herself, trying to gain a better hold on him. He’s draped over her shoulder
like a fucking rag doll. And he called me the loser?
“What’s going on here, Hollis?” Suddenly, I’m sobered up a bit. I mean, not really, but something doesn’t sit right. And I
know how to hold my liquor, so I know I’m not about to chuck. But something really isn’t sitting right with me right now, so I
straighten up and try to get to the bottom of it.
 “Jax, just go home.”
“No. I wanna know what the fuck happened,” I demand.
“You should lissen to mah girlfrenn buddy.” Liam’s slurred words leave his mouth in what feels like a slow-motion movie.
And it takes me a minute to decipher what he actually said.
“I’m sorry, you said what?” My fists tighten and my jaw clenches. There's no way he knows what he's saying. But now, I'm
seeing this situation differently.
Liam was yelling at Basketball Jersey to back up…because he thought the dude tried to touch Hollis…because Hollis is…
Not a fucking chance.
No shot.
“Jax, please.” Hollis is now pleading with me using her big, brown eyes and I almost lose it right then and there because I
know exactly what is going on now.
“Him?” I point my finger at Liam. “How long?” My tone shoots up to a level of loudness that I can actually feel vibrations
ring in my ears. Anxiety eating at me like a worm and a rotten apple. Ain't no fucking way she's about to tell me what I think
she's about to tell me.
“It’s none of your business, Jaxon.”
“Oh, that’s funny," I chuckle nearly diabolically. "Because once upon a time, Hollis, everything you did was my business. I
made it my business. Or do you not remember?”
“That was a long time ago. We’ve all changed since then,” she responds to me, but it sounds like she's defending him.
She’s still holding up Liam who looks half asleep now and I feel like I really might actually chuck now.
“Yeah, I can tell,” I state while giving a hard glare over to the idiot who clearly hasn’t changed.
“Say it,” I demand her.
“What?”
“I wanna hear you say it. Tell me you’re really dating this fucker. Say it, and I’ll leave you alone.” My tone bites colder than
intended, once again not really having a grip on the state that I'm truly in but also feeding into the rush of anger flooding me.
We were best friends, and Liam was an asshole. To both of us.
She sighs, and I can tell she’s putting on a tough act. She never used to be tough. But maybe she’s right, maybe she did change,
and this is the real her now. But I still can’t believe what I’m hearing or seeing. This can’t be My Hollie.
“Liam and I are dating, Jax. Happy?” She pulls on Liam to signal him to walk. “And for the record, you already did leave me.
Or do you not remember?”
My whole body screams as my blood boils.
Enraged.
Deceit.
How could she?
“I have to go now.” And before I have a chance to ask her why, she’s dragging her piece of shit boyfriend out of the fucking
bar.
 four

Hollis

How humiliating was that? I can’t believe any of that had happened. My heart stopped when I ran into Jax in the hallway. But
the stunt he pulled...who the fuck does he think he is trying to come to my defense like that?
I stumble into my house way past my curfew—no, I don’t really have a curfew, but I try to be respectful to my parents. I
really don’t understand what he thought he was trying to do coming off with his hero complex. Jax and I don’t even know each
other anymore.
I kick off my boots at the front door after quietly locking it, but I don’t think I do the best job because I see the upstairs light
click on.
"Shit," I say under my breath.
I see my mom pull her robe closed over her silk pajamas as she heads down the stairs.
“I’m sorry, Mama. I didn’t expect to be out so late. And I didn’t mean to be so loud.”
“I was getting worried, Hollis. I never went to bed.” She pads down the steps. I'm kind of surprised at her statement. Since
when has she ever stayed up for me?
“I’m fine,” I say with more attitude than I’d like, not intentionally of course. But I’ve had the weirdest night, and I can't seem
to shake my mind free of the events that occurred. My head is still spinning from the interaction between Liam and Jax. And me
and Jax. He was so close to me.
“You know, I know you’re a grown woman, Hollis. But I’m only tough on you-”
“Because you love me. Yes, Mom. I know.” I finish her sentence, having heard the same one over and over. Usually after we
bicker for a full twenty-four hours, and usually for no solid reason other than to get on each other's nerves.
“That’s not what I was going to say.” She pauses at the bottom of the stairs.
I give her a wondering look, because we both know that's exactly what she was going to say but she didn’t want to seem too
predictable.
“Sit.” She bends down to sit on the bottom step and pats the space next to her.
I question her motives for a brief second, then realize I’m too fucking tired for this.
“Mom, we don’t have to.”
 “I want to. Please.”
I hesitate for a moment before closing the distance between the front door and the stairs, taking the spot next to her.
“I can tell something is wrong, Hollis.”
“You mean besides the constant battle for your approval?” I snip a little too rudely, and immediately cringe at how I sounded.
Ungrateful.
Which is not ever something I want to portray. Because I am extremely grateful. My parents have done so much for me and
I’m lucky to have the ones that I do.
“Sorry, that came out wrong,” I admit.
“You know, when I was your age, I didn’t have a single person to talk to about anything. It was really hard for me to fit in and
find my footing. Your grandmother and grandfather were pretty strict. I guess you can say that’s where I learned it.” She pauses
to take a breath. “I know I’m tough on you, but I want you to know that I am here if you ever want to talk about anything.”
Hearing her say that nearly brings tears to my eyes.
I look over at my mom, her vibrant eyes shine even in the shadows of the dark. And I’m reminded of Jax, whose eyes are
similar in that way and were always my favorite to look at.
“Well…” I start, and my mom leans in and holds her pinky out to me.
“Secret’s safe with me.” I smile and wrap my pinky finger around hers.
“It’s about Jax.”
“I figured as much. Delanie said he also skipped out on family game night, which was a bust by the way. It wasn’t the same.
But I wondered if he was off to the same party you were going to."
“Well, you'd be right. And it was kind of a disaster." I bring my knees up so that I can rest my elbows on them.
“What happened?”
I think about how much I want to tell her without going into any of the super private details, things I might want to hold close
to my chest for a while. Details I don't think I'm ready to tell anyone.
“I guess it just isn’t the same, like you had mentioned. And I think he was expecting for us to reconnect like there was no time
passed. And the truth is, Mama, when he left all those years ago, it really hurt.”
“Oh, my girl.” My mom guides my head down to her shoulder as we sit side by side, and she runs her fingers over my hair. "I
knew you had a crush on him. Do you think that him leaving could have triggered the-”
I nod, cutting her off because I don’t want her to finish that sentence. I never really went into details with my parents about
that time. Because I had to do whatever I could to forget him. But yes, that day was kind of the start of it all.
I knew I wasn’t good at hiding it. But how did everyone else see it and he didn’t?
“The only thing I can tell you, my love…what's that thing your dad always says? Con Corazón, no-”
“Piensa con el Corazón, no con la mente.” I help her. Daddy would always say it to me growing up. I never knew what it
meant until high school, because it was one of those things he'd say I didn't need a translation on. But when I asked him one day
what it meant, every time he had ever said it to me had clicked into place. Like a tectonic shift in the ground, pulling together
like puzzle pieces.
My dad was born in Mexico. My mom was born and raised here in Texas. And because both of my parents speak English,
that is my first language. Though Daddy never let the beauty of Spanish escape us, teaching me words and phrases over the
years.
“Yeah, that. Think with your heart, not with your mind. You are past that part in your life and all you can do now is spring
for a second chance, at your own pace of course. And only if it’s what you want." My mom reels me back in.
 “It’s easier said than done.” I sigh a breath of defeat. Not really because I feel defeated but because this situation is only
going to get more complicated, and I don't know if I have the time to mentally prepare myself for what that's going to mean for
me.
“I believe in you.” My mom leans in and presses a kiss to my forehead before standing up and heading back up the stairs.
“Also, pick up your shoes. That’s not where they go.”
I roll my eyes. “Goodnight to you too, Mom.”
She chuckles before disappearing into the hallway.

Where the fuck did you go last night

I text Jaelynn. My headache still pounds like someone beat me with a boulder, even though I hardly drank anything last night.
But waking up and realizing that last night was not a dream causes my brain to hurt.
When I walked away from Jax in the bathroom, my first thought was to act aloof. Because at this point, we don’t know each
other like we used to but I knew that after seeing him drown himself in beer at the bar, that it wasn't going to be that easy to pull
off. Because curiosity pulled me to him, like it always did. I wanted to know why he was sucking down beer so fast and then
chasing it with more beer. I wanted to know if he's become the type of guy who enjoys drinking at the bar, or if he watches
sports on the weekends or has any hobbies. Not to mention the leather he was decked in and the tattoos that I saw peeking out
of his clothes.
Bitch, I had things to do.

Jae’s text pulls me away from my thoughts and thank goodness because it would be an endless pit of all things Jax if I had
continued to ponder.
You mean A thing

Yeah, a handsome thing.

I giggle at her admission. Classic Jae.

You missed the drama

I text her.
Thank God. What happened?

Jaxon Monroe happened

And before the message fully registers as sent, my phone starts ringing in my hands. I slide the green answer bar over.
“Jaxon? As in YOUR Jaxon?” she shouts as soon as the line clicks on.
“Well, he never was my Jaxon. But yes, him.”
“What the hell happened?”
I recounted the entire night to her and as suspected, Jaelynn wasn’t entirely shocked when I told her about Jax and Liam,
considering he was always that way with me and she can understand where Jax is coming from. She told me to give him a
chance. But I don't really know what that means right now because in Jax's eyes, he left me as his best friend, and he may never
really know how what he did affected me. And him coming back doesn't really mean the same thing to me as it might to him. It's
not going to be easy to look at him the same way ever again. Plus, there’s the part where I never returned any of his calls or
texts. I wonder what he thinks about that or if he doesn’t even care.
After hanging up the phone and downing a few Ibuprofens, I get myself out of my bed and dressed for the day.
I opt for a more casual look today; A pair of black leggings, an oversized Carhartt t-shirt and a white ball cap to throw over
my hair, which I leave down. I slide on my Chucks and head down the stairs to have breakfast with my family.
Saturday mornings are my favorite. No one has to work, so we have a normal family breakfast and sometimes we'd go
shopping or maybe the movies. There are also times we kind of go our own separate ways and then come back together to get
ready to go out for dinner.
I turn the corner, hearing my dad sing his favorite Tejano song in the kitchen while he twirls my mom like she's a ballerina.
Her laughter soothes my mind as I open myself up to the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.
My parents really are a dream couple. I might give my mom a hard time and vice versa, but one thing you’ll never catch me
saying is that my parents didn’t love each other.
They catch me watching and jump out of their love-lost trance.
“Morning.” I wave, walking over to give my dad a kiss on his cheek. My mom swipes at her apron and pretends to busy
herself back by the stove.
“Smells good.” I observe as the smell of brown sugar waffles and loaded hash browns wafts through the air. I also smell
fresh coffee brewing which calls my name like a siren.
I walk toward the coffee pot and pull myself a ceramic mug out of the cabinet above it before pouring myself a cup. I turn
around to the fridge to grab the cream and I catch my dad with a worried look on his face. He drags it over to my mother then
back over to me.
I stir the creamer into my coffee, put it away and take a nice little sip. Then I see both of my parents staring at me like I'm the
one made of ceramic and that I might break if either one of them so much as sneezes. The feeling in the air isn't like it normally
is on days like this.
“Okay…I’ll just see myself over to the dining room then.” I give them both a weird look before I start to navigate toward the
dining room, coffee in hand, when my mom frantically turns around, presumably in an attempt to warn me but it’s too late.
“Hey, Holli.” A smooth-as-whisky timbre reaches my ears in a pillowy comfort. But the comfort dissipates when I see where
the voice is coming from.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Jaxon is standing in my kitchen threshold, staring at me with his blue as fuck eyes and a
devilish smile painted on his face as if the man himself sculpted it for this exact moment.
“Mija, that’s no way to greet our guests,” my dad says coming up behind me. I look back at him, then at my mom who seems
to duck her expression behind her curtain bangs. "Traitor," I mouth to her.
"Sorry," she mouths back.
“No, seriously. What is he doing here?” I ask as if it's not directed at him, but my eyes look nowhere but and my thumb is
hooked in his direction.
I couldn't look at him at all yesterday. It hurt too much. All of the memories that I'd spent years forgetting about threatened to
flood back in at the mere glance of his eyes. So I didn't do it. But right now, I can't help it.
“Ouch,” he says, feigning pain as he brings his palm to his chest.
That’s when I notice that his skin is covered in ink. Almost the same as mine. I only saw hints of it last night, but his short
sleeved shirt allows me to take it all in. He’s got two full sleeves of delicate ink, whereas I only have one arm mapped out. His
tattoos dip under his sleeves, leaving me curious as to how far they run.
The rest of him is as curiously attractive, I hate to admit. I mean, I always thought he was good looking, but he’s all grown up.
His blonde hair is a little lighter than I remember though a tad dark at the root, and his bright blue eyes still have that
mysterious dark ring around them. I hate that I’m close enough to smell him, which is a tangle of Heaven and Hell; dark, fresh
waters and smoky, amber light. It’s infuriatingly intoxicating.
“Hollis.” I hear him say, almost a whisper, knocking me out of my zone-out.
Shit. Had he caught me staring at him?
But who cares? I don’t pretend to have been paying attention, I actually let him think I was checking him out. But only for the
sake of throwing him off a bit, and it does.
He never got the chance to know the confident and straight forward me. He knew me when I was shy, and probably a little
clingy at times but I didn’t like confrontation and I sure as hell hated being the center of anything. And of course, he wouldn’t
know that I’ve grown a lot since then…because he doesn’t know me anymore. There’s a decade between us. Time lost.
He doesn’t know my strengths or weaknesses, my likes or dislikes. He doesn’t know the pain he caused me. Doesn’t know
how it changed me. All he knows about me now is that I’m dating Liam and he doesn’t like it.
But I won’t shy away from who I am now solely because deep down, the stubbornness in me—compliments of being a
Capricorn—wants to scream that he doesn’t deserve to know the real me. But then I’d be rewinding all the growth I had to go
through from the time he left. And as much as I’d love to give Jax the cold shoulder and ignore him for the rest of my life, I
worked too fucking hard on who I am today to do that to myself.
Besides, maybe he’ll realize what he missed out on after all these years.
“Well, it’s time to eat.” My mom’s voice sounds from behind me as her and my dad walk passed us like there isn't tension in
the air.
And to my surprise, Delanie and her husband, Jeff, are already seated side by side on one side of the table. I didn’t even
know they were here. Jax turns around after giving me a stupidly sexy smirk and takes a seat next to his mom.
Mama finishes laying the last of her home cooked breakfast items on the table and takes a seat next to my dad, who sits
directly across from Jax’s parents.
The table sits six, but for some reason my mom brought out an extra chair. As I look at the seating arrangement, I notice that
there are two empty chairs left. One across from Jax next to my dad, and one on the end of the table furthest from the side Jax is
sitting at.
No brainer.
I start to walk over to the end of the table but before I have time to pull out the chair, someone reaches out almost frantically,
pulling the chair away from the table and sliding in to take a seat. It reminded me of being kicked out of musical chairs.
“Not so fast, Holli Jolly. You can sit next to Action Jaxon.” I look down, confused as to what happened because the speed of
which was not something I could compute on time.
But Kylan, Jax’s younger brother, chair jacked me and now I’m forced to sit across from the only person I was trying to
avoid.
Everyone but Jax is oblivious to what just happened, and I swear I see him smirk at me, proud that I didn’t get my way.
I sigh internally and accept my fate.
Breakfast was surprisingly chill. My mom had looked over at me a few times throughout, obviously mentally checking in on me
to see how I was doing with the whole thing. I kept my poker face on and didn’t talk unless I had to.
Jax didn’t try to push any sort of conversation with me despite the stares I could feel he had directed my way, which I
ignored.
But mostly, everyone stayed quiet besides my parents and Delanie.
Now, everyone has started to clean up their plates as all the small talk has died down. I reach out for my own dish but for the
first time since breakfast started, Jax speaks to me.
“I’ve got this.” His southern accent comes out in the slightest. Though it’s not as strong as it used to be.
I give him a simple glare because we both know what he’s doing, but I stay seated as he picks up my plate and walks off.
My mom and Delanie jump up to help him clear the rest of the table while his brother asks me a question.
“So, how are you and Liam, Hollis? I barely remember the guy, but I heard you two have been dating for a while.” I nearly
choke as the question comes out.
I don’t think Kylan is intentionally trying to cause any drama. But Jax doesn’t seem to think so as he stops in his tracks, his
back to the both of us and the air tightens around us. I wonder where he heard that I’m dating Liam, considering he’s been in the
military for the last year.
But then it dawns on me, it had to have been Jaelynn. I know she’s had a crush on Kylan since high school and I can’t help but
wonder if he’s who she had to go do last night.
It doesn’t matter though, because my answer never comes. Before I have a chance to answer, a loud sound of glass shattering
onto the kitchen floor brings everyone’s head swinging in that direction.
“Fuck, sorry.” Jax is looking at the plates he dropped. But to be honest, he doesn’t look all that shocked that broken glass lays
scattered at his feet.
Instead, he looks…satisfied.
Asshole.
“Not a big deal,” my mom says as she rushes over for the broom.
Jax grabs it from her to clean up his mess; the mess he intentionally made to take the attention away from the question I was
asked. Because he didn’t want to hear the answer.
The funny thing is, I’m stubborn and I want to see Jax squirm for some reason, so I decide to answer the question anyway.
“Liam and I are doing great. He’s a real gentleman, and we get along well.” I feel my mom’s heated stare burn on me as her
face is painted in a look of utter confusion. “He’s already planning to take me out somewhere for my birthday,” I add, which is
an absolute lie. Liam probably doesn’t even remember my birthday to be honest.
He’s really not a bad guy, at least not anymore. But I think part of the reason why I’m not ready to take the next step is
because I know that deep down, he’s not right for me. But I won’t let Jax hear that right now.
Kylan nods as I talk and Jax aggressively sweeps up the glass. My dad notices something is off with him, while my mother
leans against the counter with disappointment surrounding her like an aura. Jax steps back but doesn’t look up from the pile of
broken plates.
“Oh, that's right. You have a birthday coming up in a few months.” Delanie speaks with such a loving tone. I always enjoyed
her growing up.
“Hollis, can I get you to help me with this thing over here please?” My mom’s tone is cold as she walks out of the kitchen and
into the foyer. I look at her like she’s stupid for a second, because if that wasn't cryptic as fuck. But I get up from my chair and
follow her anyway. I pass Jax on the way, he doesn't even look up at me. I feel a slight pinch in my heart, like I realized that I’m
being a bitch by throwing that in his face just now.
My mom turns around to face me and lowers her voice but keeps her tone stern. “What the hell is wrong with you?” She bites
out and I cringe at the question because I don’t think I like it.
“What do you mean?” I cross my arms over my chest.
“The lying. I know Liam isn’t taking you anywhere for your birthday. And you don’t need to rub that in, whatever that is.” She
gives me a very deep glare of disapproval and I accept it because I know it was stupid of me.
“This is not who you are, Hollis. I know how you feel but trying to make him jealous isn’t the answer.” My mom does all but
point the finger at me, scolding me for my actions.
“Who said that’s what I was trying to do?” I ask.
“It doesn’t need to be said, it was obvious.”
"Whatever mom." I roll my eyes at her, because even though I know she’s right, I’m stubborn.
"No, not whatever, Hollis. You are better than that. And that poor boy looked miserable listening to you say all that moments
ago."
"That poor boy?" I scoff. “Liam and I are dating, Mom. Was I supposed to lie about that?”
"Listen, I don't know exactly what happened between you two to make you feel so much anger toward him. But I really think
that you need to have a conversation with him about it."
I let my shoulders sag as I sigh. She's right.
My mom drops her hand on my shoulder before giving me one of her motherly looks and leaving me to stew over my choices.
I knew this was going to get complicated.
 five

Jax

It’s been two days since breakfast at the Mendoza's. Now, I didn’t mean to actually drop the plates and make a scene, but I
didn’t really prevent them from slipping when I realized my grip loosened. I was annoyed. And angry.
I don’t even recognize her anymore. Sure, eleven years is a lot of time for two people to grow apart but I didn't want to
assume that something like that would happen to us. I only want answers as to why she ignored me all this time, why she never
returned my calls or texts.
I always assumed she was going to be one of those girls who would love being on social media but I didn’t have luck finding
her there either. So, yeah. I’m kind of pissed that she treated me like that. I was excited to see her again and I got greeted like I
was someone who had ruined her life.
And Liam? I really don’t understand.
I kick up my bike stand and turn it on, huffing just as the engine vibrates and echoes through the neighborhood. I strap on my
helmet and drive down the street, letting the hum of my Harley settle over me as the wind blows gently around me.
I pull up to my new place about twenty minutes later, seeing the movers already unloading some of my things. I park at the
curve of my driveway.
“Thanks guys, sorry I’m a few minutes behind,” I offer as I head up the walkway to the front door.
“No problem, we were able to get a head start,” one of the guys says as he heads back up his truck’s ramp.
I gave them the garage code this morning so they could get started without me so I decide to wander into the house to take a
look at it myself. The open floor plan allows me to see the kitchen, living room, dining room, an office and the stairs that lead
up to the bedrooms–where the primary room, two guest rooms, and laundry room are–all in one shot.
After a few more hours, the guys finally take off and I feel pretty satisfied with the way my place looks. So I grab a beer from
my fridge, mentally making a note that I should go to the store and grab more than beer, then head to my black leather sofa.
Leaning back, I take a swig of the cool liquid and let it flow smoothly down my throat as I try to think about anything else,
anything other than her.
But I can’t shake her. Her tall, curvy body. Her deep brown eyes. Her flawless hair and the new pop of color she’s added to
it. The way her body heat melted into mine when I pressed her up against the wall. The way she avoided my eye contact at
breakfast. Her voice and how independent she seems. Everything about her makes me wish I hadn’t left things the way I did.
That I would have told her how I fucking felt.
Do I even have a right to feel like I lost her? Am I allowed to be upset with her actions? Her ability to shake me off so easily
angers me honestly. We have so much history. And now that history seems to be…history.
Even if we are able to get back to the point where we tell each other everything and we are able to move on from whatever
happened between us, I’m way out of my league because Hollis is too fucking pretty for her own damn good.
Always has been, really.
But I can tell she is not who I left behind, she’s bolder and more confident and has truly stepped out of her own comfort zone.
I don't know how anyone will ever compare to her.
“Fuck, shake out of it,” I tell myself as I take the last swig of my beer. I didn’t expect that seeing her again for the first time
would be this fucking hard.
My phone buzzes on the kitchen table so I get up to discard my beer bottle and grab my phone.
It's a text from Mason.
Hey, wanna hit Willows?

I look at the clock and see that it's nearing five. I am getting hungry, and maybe a change in scenery will help take my mind off
things.
Yeah, meet you there in about an hou

I head to my room to hit the shower before taking off to meet the guys.

"So, what's new?" Cody asks as I get myself situated at the high-top table.
Willows is an older brick building with an updated interior. The bar section is somewhat separated from the dining section.
T.V's are mounted to every wall surrounding us so it's impossible to miss a thing if you wanted to watch your favorite team
play.
“Nothing new, just tryna live the dream,” I answer Cody sarcastically.
Nothing seems to have really changed around here since I left. All the guys still hangout with each other. Mason, Cody, Josef,
Talon, and myself–well, until I left. The group of us used to hang out at the smoker’s pit in our senior year when we would
ditch Miss B’s English class. Man, was that woman insufferable. We’re only missing Talon’s twin brother, TJ, who is some big
shot lawyer in New York now. We were too cool for him anyways.
But as I watch everyone settle into their seats, it brings a thought forward that invades my brain like an infestation. Why can
the guys act like I never left but Hollis has to treat me like I’m the gum stuck on the bottom of her shoe?
Cody and Mason start talking about work—they work in a mechanic shop near my mom’s—and Josef turns to me to ask about
Colorado while Talon seems distracted trying to get a waitress’s attention.
A few minutes pass by when Talon slaps his hand against my upper arms and gasps.
“What do you think about that?” I turn to look—we all do—at who he’s talking about, and I don’t have to see more than the
blue stripe of hair to know that it’s Hollis.
“Dude she’s gotten so fucking hot,” Josef states and I try my hardest not to get caught as I squeeze my fist under the table. That
comment would have pissed me off just the same back then as it does now. These guys know that Hollis and I were tight
growing up. None of them would have thought twice to make a comment like that, so what the fuck changed to make them think
they can talk like that now?
But I can tell that Mason and Cody know better, as they’re looking at me with uneasy eyes and Cody dips his head a little.
Besides, I remember that Mason and Cody are both married off.
Despite the apprehension swimming in their eyes, Josef and Talon proceed to speak their minds about what they think about
Hollis and I don’t give them a pass because they’re single.
“Too bad she’s all team Liam now.”
“She’s been unattainable even before she got with him.”
“I wonder what makes him so special.”
They don’t even pick up their jaws after making the comments. And I feel like the dam is about to burst.
I slam my fist into the table, realizing it comes down harder than I wanted and they all spin their heads in my direction.
“Dude, you good?” Josef asks and I simply nod, trying not to look too angry.
“Don’t talk about her like that,” I say through lightly gritted teeth. “Please,” I add on to try and lighten the mood. But I didn’t
soil the mood, they did when they decided to talk about Hollis like she was some piece of meat.
I look back over to where Hollis is standing while the guys go back into small talk. She must feel my eyes on her because she
searches the room for a beat until they land on me.
I give her a shy smile, desperate to see her smile back. But she rolls her eyes and turns away. So, I turn my attention back to
the boys and get lost in what they’re talking about. Moments later my nostrils deceive me with the scent of coconut and
sunshine.
“We need to talk.” We all look over to see Holli– her tone holds so much authority that my bones feel as though they’ll melt–
standing at the end of the table.
I look up at her, a black apron is tied around her waist to indicate that she might actually work here. All of the boys are
looking at me dead-faced but I’m oblivious to their reactions as I try to unpack what she just said.
Mason attempts a sad excuse of coughing sounds to gain anyone’s attention and I break from my confusion.
“Me?” I ask, pointing a finger at my chest.
No one else here seems to question who she needs to talk to as her hands are firmly on hips and she’s eyeballing me directly.
The sounds of the T.V’s seem to drown out as I open my mouth to talk, but she turns around and walks toward a back hallway
before I can even answer.
“That doesn’t sound good,” Mason says.
“You gonna go follow her or not?” Cody gives me a look that says you’re in trouble and I annoyingly push up from my chair
and head to where she disappeared to.
I see a door swing gently as if someone just passed through it. I follow it out to the back of the restaurant, the crisp evening
air hits my nose.
“Are you following me?” Hollis surprises me as she pushes herself off the brick wall.
“Well, you did say we needed to talk and then left, so yeah. I followed you.” I lean down to put a rock between the door and
frame, not entirely sure that it won’t lock on us if we close it. I look around to make sure no one else is around as her tone is
raised and I don’t know where the hell this conversation is about to go.
“Don’t be stupid.” I’m shocked at the words that come out of her mouth. “I meant here. To my job.” She motions to the
building and I nearly laugh at her accusation.
“I didn’t follow you here, I was invited by the boys. Didn't even know you worked here,” I tell her.
 Something tense and distant wedges itself between us, as if there wasn’t enough of those things as it.
“You need to give me some space, Jaxon.” She crosses her arms at her chest.
She’s pissed at me, that much I can tell. But I can’t seem to shake how fucking sexy it makes her. I don’t think I’ve ever seen
Hollis get so mad before.
"Space? Hollis, did I do something wrong? Ever since I’ve gotten back in town you’ve been giving me the cold shoulder and
I think I missed the memo. Besides, think over a decade is space enough.” I rub the back of my neck before shoving my hands in
the pockets of my jeans.
Hollis is scowling at me; her nose crinkled and her dark brown eyes honed in heatedly, like I shaved her dog bald or
something. Does she even have a dog? I really don't know much about this girl anymore. I hope I can change that, but her
stubbornness is going to be the death of me. Especially if we can’t get over whatever it is that went wrong.
“Oh, that’s so funny isn’t it, Jaxon? Think you can just come back and jump right back into the mix without dealing with what
you’ve left behind?” Her nose crinkles a little as her eyes light up with fire.
I try to unpack her words but I’m at a loss. Does she mean her? Does she think I purposefully left her behind? That’s the only
thing I can think of, nothing else would make much sense. But we both know that’s not true.
I attempt to take a few steps closer expecting her to back away, but she doesn’t.
“Are you mad at me? And if you are, I’m going to need you to stop being so cryptic, Holli, because-”
“Do. Not.” She puts up her palm as she enunciates both words individually. “You don't get to call me Holli. It’s Hollis," she
states sharply, now taking a few steps backward.
“I don’t know what the fuck I did to you for you to treat me like this, but it’s fucking childish.” My tone is vexed, proving to
myself that this girl makes me an irascible man.
I mean, I care about her and all but she’s not going to talk to me like this.
“Childish? Good one. Because that’s all you’ll ever see me as isn't it, Jax? A child." Her voice turns edgy and snarky and I’d
be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel something.
“I’m at a fucking loss here, Hollis." I push my fingers through my hair, feeling provoked and irritated. Why is she beating
around the bush the way she is? "Please tell me what the fuck I did? I know things couldn't have possibly been the same
between us but I didn’t expect all this.” I wave my hands in front of us and she just glares at me with a seething expression.
“Well then, maybe it’s time you just forget about me. I’ve already forgotten about you.” She makes an attempt to walk past
me, but I step in the direction that blocks her from moving forward.
“No. Don't fucking do that to me." I try to hold eye contact with her, but just like the other day, she won't look me in the eye,
it's bothersome as hell. Why does she have to be so fucking stubborn? "Listen, if you wanna be mad at me, cool. By all means.
But don’t you think that I deserve a real fucking reason? I mean if anything, I should be the one who’s mad.”
“You really think so?” She raises her brow at me and damn if I wasn't mad at her, because it's the cutest fucking thing I’ve
seen her do since coming back.
She never used to be able to raise just one eyebrow. I tried to help her figure out how but she always ended up making weird
faces with a combination of wide and squinty eyes instead.
“You’re dating Liam, Hollis,” I mention in a very defeated and disappointing tone. “In case you’d forgotten, that fucker
bullied you for years. Bullied us. And I didn’t just get verbal abuse. I took bruises from that asshole. You’d really stoop so low
as to befriend him after everything he’s done to us, let alone be his girlfriend?” Saying those last words out loud felt like a
hammer to the ribcage. It feels like being stabbed by someone you trusted, actually that’s almost exactly what this is.
 Anger bubbles in me even more than I thought possible when I think about them being intimate with each other. Have they had
sex? The thought of anyone touching Hollis that way sends me down a Wonderland spiral but to think of Liam’s hands on
Hollis…I can feel the boil in my blood.
“Wow.” She claps sarcastically. Once. Twice. Three times. “Great job, Jaxon. You know you’ve really set the bar so fucking
high now. Real proud of you.” She's now talking in a low-pitched and insincere tone and the way she looks at me like I’m so
far below her sends my emotions into a free fall of vexation.
“Don’t be a bitch, Hollis.” I almost regret it as soon as it comes out, but if she wants to be a stubborn hard-ass, she's going to
take it the way she gives.
“Name calling, fantastic. Guess you’re not so different from Liam after all.” She moves to get past me again, but this time I
force her in place, grabbing her by her wrist and pulling her toward me.
“Take that shit back," I growl savagely. This action of mine knocks me off my ass in surprise but she is doing this to me. I’m
heated, and angry. And maybe every ounce jealous but at the end of the day, she’s not going to run me over like road kill and
back the car up a couple hundred times.
She doesn’t get to tell me that she’s mad at me and then not tell me what I did wrong while making me feel so fucking small in
the process. If she thinks she’s the only one who’s changed…she’s wrong.
“Get the fuck off me!” She yanks her arm free from my grip and I let her back away.
“You know that’s not fucking true.” I push my hand through my hair again, not realizing that I let my anger get the best of me.
“Liam is a gentleman. And why would you care? You had your chance.” She all but spits as the words bite me clean in the
heart.
“Wait, what the fuck does that mean?” I mentally claw for the clarification. Had my chance? When?
She looks to the ground, seemingly trying to figure out her own words, running them over in her head. She regrets them. But
why? We used to trust each other with everything. Where the fuck did my Holli go?
I act on instinct, needing her to tell me how she really feels. So I rush in on her and pin her against the brick; my palms splay
out on either side of her head. Our breaths match each other. Rough. Forced. Constrictive.
She doesn't react much otherwise; she just accepts her fate as she leans against the wall and looks up at me behind her dark,
long lashes and her pool of tempest-colored eyes—careful not to meet me directly in eye contact, so instead her eyes land on
my mouth.
“Tell me something," I whisper to her. Her chest rising and falling with every calculated breath.
She doesn't respond so I continue.
“Does he take care of you?”
“What?” She writhes in irritation below me, and I pull myself a tad closer to stop her from overthinking the question.
I trace her bottom lip with my thumb and the hum of her breathing tingles against my skin. Her eyes are now closed as she
accepts the contact.
“Does he take care of you?” I ask again and this time she reacts.
“You can’t touch me like that!" She pushes me hard in the chest, causing me to stumble back a bit.
“Does he make you feel anything? Just tell me, Hollis." I try to keep her attention, but both of us are so upset, enraged, and
fevered from our frustration that all we can manage is a verbal argument. But I need to know why she thinks she deserves
someone like Liam. He has to be doing something to convince her that he's good enough for her.
She turns away from me, her arms held tight against her chest. I try to calm myself and approach her from behind. She doesn't
move away from me, allowing me to lean into the back of her ear and ask her my next question in an intimate whisper—being
careful to make sure I'm not touching her anywhere.
"Does he tell you you’re beautiful when you feel you least deserve it?"
She gasps.
"Does he give you butterflies the way you deserve them?"
She doesn't answer.
I reach out to attempt to pull her hair back from the front of her shoulder, she shifts slightly but doesn't pull away.
"Does he know where all your sensitive spots are, Hollis?”
"Stop!" She finally moves from the space I was occupying so closely to her, knocking into me while doing so.
"Did you fuck him?" I ask in a more aggravated tone, eager to get the answer out of her. Because the thought of them being
together makes me unfathomably ill.
"That's none of your fucking business, Jaxon!" she yells, her anger turning from red heat to the tip of the blue flames.
"Just answer the damn question!"
“Ugh, I fucking hate you!” Hollis stomps over to the door and I'm flooded with fear, anger, regret, irritation, betrayal. I hate
that I’m being tested for something I didn’t even know I needed to study. Why can’t she just tell me what’s going on?
Is this what she expected when she demanded that we talk?
“Hate me all you fucking want Holli, but you know he’s not good for you." I manage to say before she pulls the door open.
“And you are?” She glares at me; for the first time tonight, looking me straight in my eyes. I swear the whole fucking world
stops dead in its rotation as all I see is the glaze of pain and it shatters me into a million tiny pieces.
“Goodbye, Jaxon.”
 six

Hollis

God, he infuriates me. Why can’t he leave me alone? And what the hell were those questions about? I’m starting to really
struggle seeing why we were even best friends in the first place. He’s an asshole and an entitled one and I remembered all the
reasons why I decided to freeze him off like a wart in the first place.
I head back into Willows and dip into the employee only room off to the side. I can hear Jax’s hard steps pass the door as he
curses under his breath.
Today is my first day on the job. I applied on Saturday after breakfast, and I got an interview the same day. I didn’t anticipate
Jaxon coming in and being a complete distraction on my first day. I take a deep breath and look at the clock. I’ve only got an
hour left and I know that if I try hard enough to avoid looking in his direction, I’ll be fine.
I let down my hair and retie my messy bun, slip my apron back on, and head back out there. And as I do exactly what I said I
wasn’t going to do, which is look over at the table Jax was sitting at. But I notice that there’s a twenty in his spot for the beer he
didn’t even get to enjoy, and I stare at his back as he exits that restaurant.
Unease, regret, and frustration juggles around inside me but I also feel a sense of relief. At least I won’t have to worry about
making eye contact with him for the rest of the day. Who knew continuing to ignore him would be this hard.

Did you tell Jax’s brother about me and Liam

I text Jae. I’m only curious as to how Kylan found out. I mean he hasn’t been back in town that long, but he somehow knew to
bring up the topic the other day. Not like our relationship was a secret, I guess I just didn’t expect my personal life to be
brought up by my ex-best friend’s brother at family breakfast.
I’m sorry. The person you are trying to reach is no longer available. Please hang up and try again.

I read her text and roll my eyes, having the answer that I expected. She did. Which means that she’s been seeing Kylan since
he got back. I don’t really care who she sees or dates or whatever, I wish she’d given me a heads up to let me know that she
said something. But then again, it doesn’t matter who brings it up. It was going to be brought up somehow and someway.
By now it’s been a couple of days since my argument with Jax at Willows. Thank goodness no one else overheard or saw,
otherwise I might have been in trouble with my new boss. But also embarrassed as hell.
As I lay in my bed, I have a few moments to go over the conversation we had that night. He looked so confused and pained by
the way that I treated him but he deserved it…right? I wasn’t trying to be an asshole, or a bitch as he called me. I was simply
acting on my feelings and I might have gone a little too far.
In some situations, I can get a little intense, specifically when it comes to voicing my emotions. I told myself I wasn’t going to
hide behind my pain anymore, so I approached him at the table hoping to talk to him about needing space but it just turned into a
fight for validations and truths.
I didn’t tell him the full truth because I don’t think I can handle reliving those moments, not yet. It’s too much to admit and I
can’t betray my self-worth just to appease the likes of someone who decided to leave it all behind. To leave me behind.
“Mija, your mother and I are on our way out,” my dad says after knocking on the door lightly.
It’s Thursday night which means it’s date night for my parents. They pick a night where they don’t have to wake up early the
next day and I love that they still do that for themselves.
“What movie are you gonna see?” I ask, sitting up in my bed.
“You know, I don’t really remember. I'll let your mother pick this one and I guess we’ll see if it’s any good.” Daddy chuckles
before tapping the door frame and heading out.
I swing my feet over the side of my bed and drag myself off it. I need to get up and force myself out of my room. I've been
laying here all day thinking about the last few days.
What are you doing tonight

I text Jaelynn, hoping that she’s free so we can also hit the movies or maybe a late dinner. She’s always been great for that.
But she texts back one word.
Kylan.

I roll my eyes and throw myself back on the bed. So much for that idea.
Boo. You whore

I reply, quoting her favorite movie.

I could always text Liam. He is my boyfriend after all. But after Friday night’s debacle, we actually haven’t talked a ton. He’s
busy with work during the week anyways and if I’m being honest, I need the headspace. These days, Liam and I are a lot more
wrong than we are right, despite the fact that I do care for him and I know he loves me. Something has felt off lately and I really
don’t feel like diving into it right now.
I stare at my phone a minute longer. My finger itching to text the one person I purposefully refused that luxury to. I don't know
why I feel the need to, but I pull up his contact and hover over the UNBLOCK button. I let out a deep breath trying to decide if I
should do it or not.
It wouldn't be the first time I'd done it, but this time feels different. This time, he's here.
My phone vibrates in my hand, causing my finger to tap down on the screen on accident and I unblock his number.
"Stupid email," I whisper to myself out loud, realizing what just happened.
I blow out another sigh and slip the phone into my pocket, deciding to head downstairs, grab a snack and have a lonesome
movie night of my own. Maybe it’s what I need.
 When I get into the kitchen, I throw a bag of popcorn in the microwave and lean against the counter to scroll through my
social media accounts while I wait. I don’t see much happening in the world right now, but I see that one of my favorite authors
just announced her new book is releasing soon so I make a mental note to preorder it.
But something else pulls me from the thought. A soft hum of a motor coming closer into range. I get curious, as that’s not a
sound we hear often in our quiet neighborhood, especially not at eight at night.
So I set my phone down and walk into the foyer, dipping my hand behind the satin curtain to pull it back and that’s when I see
that Jaxon pulled up to his mom’s house across the street on his motorcycle. I roll my eyes—an action I've been doing a lot of
lately. Didn’t he move into his own place? What business does he have back at his mom’s?
But I don’t pull away as I watch him kick the stand to his bike.
Even though I hate this guy right now, my eyes stay glued to him. He’s so fucking hot and I will admit to having a hard time
separating myself form him the other day at my job; they way the breath of his voice hit my skin like lava. I could feel the pulse
in his heart from how close we were. From here, his blue eyes sparkle even in the darkness and as he pulls the helmet off his
head, his shirt lifts slightly and I get a small glimpse of dangerously hot tattoos and delicately chiseled abs. Something like a
bolt of electricity spikes my skin that puts me in a torment of being entranced by the one person I can’t stand.
My breath hitches as I watch him slide off the bike, his dark jean clad legs flexing in all the right ways and-
“Fuck,” I gasp as I jump back from the front window.
He caught me staring.
What the fuck am I doing over here anyways?
I take a chance to lean back in, peaking as carefully as possible to make sure he doesn't see me again, but lo and be-fucking-
hold, Jax starts walking toward my house.
“Shit, please no.” I berate myself for being a dumbass. And before I have time to move away from the door, he’s already
knocking at it.
I stand frozen, hoping that he’ll think he imagined me stalking him. But he only knocks louder the second time.
“Hollis, I know you’re home,” he adds on to his next knock, practically singing the words like a taunt of some sort.
Ugh.
I steady my shaky hands and decide to open the stupid door and when I do, I’m greeted with a half-smirked Jax and if he was
sexy across the street, he’s just as sexy at my doorstep.
I wish he got uglier, not more attractive; it would make this whole thing so much easier.
We stare at each other for a beat before he asks, “Can we talk?”
He holds his helmet at his side with one hand and the other is shoved in his front pocket. His arms are flexing in his Fender t-
shirt in a way that makes it hard to focus on anything else.
“Umm…” I mumble because I don’t know if I want to talk right now but I’m also so disrupted by the way he looks like a bad-
boy god right now. “We don’t really have to-”
“I need to apologize. Can I please come in?” He’s looking at me with…are those puppy eyes?
Not more than a few days ago, he was calling me a bitch and now he’s pleading with his impossibly ocean-blue eyes. How
does he do that? Both of those things have irrevocably turned me on in ways that aren’t normal and I swear he does it on
purpose.
I think about it for a minute, but before I have more than a second's worth of time, a loud alarm behind me starts blaring in my
house.
 “What the fuck?” I turn my head to see smoke billowing out from the kitchen. “Shit!” I add on as I abandon the front door and
book it back inside.
“Hollis, wait!” I hear my screen door open and slam as footsteps follow frantically behind me.
There’s a fire.
A small one, but I panic. What the hell happened?
I stop at the foot of the entry unsure of what to do. The fire seems to be coming from the microwave—the fucking popcorn—
and if I don’t stop it, this could be super fucking serious.
I feel Jax’s hand slide up on my back, from the middle of my spine and up to my shoulder. Almost comforting as the rest of me
loses all sense of thought.
“Fire extinguisher?” he asks in a rather calm manner. How the fuck does he do that? There are literal flames breaking loose
right now and I can’t even think straight.
“Under the sink.” I point after trying to regain focus, and Jax doesn’t hesitate but to move swiftly across the kitchen tiles,
black wings of smoke seem to feather in slow motion waves through the room.
I start coughing as I try to wave the smoke out of my face and next thing I know, Jax is spraying the fire with the extinguisher,
putting it out completely.
“This is not fucking happening.” Is all I can manage to say as I rush over to meet him.
He tosses the extinguisher in the sink and takes a rag to wave out the rest of the smoke from the ceiling, the fire alarms barely
quieting down to a stop. Once the air is cleared, I can see that the damage isn’t as bad as it looks.
I dig my palms into my eye sockets to stop them from burning when I hear Jax.
“Hollis, please don’t tell me…” he trails off. I finally get my eyes cleared up in time to look at him as he pulls the charred
substance from the microwave with a dish rag.
Now, I know that the only thing that could have caused this fire was the popcorn, but what I don’t expect to see is that the bag
of popcorn is still wrapped in its plastic outer layer.
“You really tossed this in here without unwrapping it?” he asks, before running it under cold water to cool it down, then
tossing it in the trash can–not that there was much left other than ashes but he did what he could.
I stare dumbfounded. “I’ve never done that before,” I say in a shocked tone. “My mind must have been somewhere else,” I
admit next. This could have been really serious if Jaxon weren’t here. But then again, I might have been paying more attention
if Jaxon weren't on my damn mind.
“What do I do?” I ask, not knowing if I need to call the fire department, or my parents.
“Thankfully, it only looks like flames caused damage to the microwave.” We both look up to inspect the ceiling, thankfully
there aren’t any smoke or burn marks. Nothing seems to be affected other than the microwave which isn’t even entirely that bad
looking, but I know I won’t be able to use it again.
“My mom is going to lose her shit.” I pull my hands through my hair and my heart still thuds rapidly in its chamber.
Jax comes over toward me and places his hands on my shoulder, his touch doing something that acts as a sedative. I feel my
heartbeat come down from the clouds and level out at a steady thump, thump. But I’m angry that he’s touching me because he
doesn’t have the fucking right. But it calms me down from the thoughts racing around the track that is my mind.
He’s a fucking contradiction.
“I’ll help you clean up, and you can search for a new microwave. You only have to tell your mom what you want to.” He
hands me his phone and opens up the Amazon app before handing it to me and nodding his head in the direction of the dining
room.
Another random document with
no related content on Scribd:
 will be sewed by arbitration at an early day. Under the
circumstances the Commission, while continuing its deliberations
in the preparation and orderly arrangement of many valuable maps,
reports, and documents, which have been procured and used in the
course of its labors, does not propose to formulate any decision
for the present of the matters subject to its examination. It
will continue its sessions from time to time, but with the hope
and expectation that a friendly and just settlement of all
pending differences between the nations interested will make
any final decision on its part unnecessary." This hope was
substantially realized a few days later, when a convention
embodying the agreement of the United States and Great Britain
was signed by Secretary Olney and the British Ambassador, Sir
Julian Pauncefote. The agreement was carried to its next stage on
the 2d of February, 1897, when a treaty between Great Britain and
the United States of Venezuela was signed at Washington, which
provided as follows:

{692}

"Article I.
An Arbitral Tribunal shall be immediately appointed to
determine the boundary-line between the Colony of British
Guiana and the United States of Venezuela.

"Article II.
The Tribunal shall consist of five Jurists: two on the part of
Great Britain, nominated by the Members of the Judicial
Committee of Her Majesty's Privy Council, namely, the Right
Honourable Baron Herschell, Knight Grand Cross of the Most
Honourable Order of the Bath, and the Honourable Sir Richard
Henn Collins, Knight, one of the Justices of Her Britannic
Majesty's Supreme Court of Judicature; two on the part of
Venezuela, nominated, one by the President of the United
States of Venezuela, namely, the Honourable Melville Weston
Fuller, Chief Justice of the United States of America, and one
nominated by the Justices of the Supreme Court of the United
States of America, namely, the Honourable David Josiah Brewer,
a Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of
America; and of a fifth Jurist to be selected by the four
persons so nominated, or in the event of their failure to
agree within three months from the date of the exchange of
ratifications of the present Treaty, to be selected by His
Majesty the King of Sweden and Norway. The Jurist so selected
shall be President of the Tribunal. In case of the death,
absence, or incapacity to serve of any of the four Arbitrators
above named, or in the event of any such Arbitrator omitting
or declining or ceasing to act as such, another Jurist of
repute shall be forthwith substituted in his place. If such
vacancy shall occur among those nominated on the part of Great
Britain, the substitute shall be appointed by the members for
the time being of the Judicial Committee of Her Majesty's
Privy Council, acting by a majority, and if among those
nominated on the part of Venezuela, he shall be appointed by
the Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States, acting
by a majority. If such vacancy shall occur in the case of the
fifth Arbitrator, a substitute shall be selected in the manner
herein provided for with regard to the original appointment.

"Article III.
The Tribunal shall investigate and ascertain the extent of the
territories belonging to, or that might lawfully be claimed
by, the United Netherlands or by the Kingdom of Spain
respectively at the time of the acquisition by Great Britain
of the Colony of British Guiana, and shall determine the
boundary-line between the Colony of British Guiana and the
United States of Venezuela.

"Article IV.
In deciding the matters submitted, the Arbitrators shall
ascertain all facts which they deem necessary to a decision of
the controversy, and shall be governed by the following Rules,
which are agreed upon by the High Contracting Parties as Rules
to be taken as applicable to the case, and by such principles
of international law not inconsistent therewith as the
Arbitrators shall determine to be applicable to the
case:—

Rules.
(a.) Adverse holding or prescription during a period of fifty
years shall make a good title. The Arbitrators may deem
exclusive political control of a district, as well as actual
settlement thereof, sufficient to constitute adverse holding
or to make title by prescription.

(b.) The Arbitrators may recognize and give effect to rights

and claims resting on any other ground whatever valid
according to international law, and on any principles of
international law which the Arbitrators may deem to be
applicable to the case, and which are not in contravention of
the foregoing rule.

(c.) In determining the boundary-line, if territory of one

Party be found by the Tribunal to have been at the date of
this Treaty in the occupation of the subjects or citizens of
the other Party, such effect shall be given to such occupation
as reason, justice, the principles of international law, and
the equities of the case shall, in the opinion of the
Tribunal, require. …

Article XIII.
The High Contracting Parties engage to consider the result of
the proceedings of the Tribunal of Arbitration as a full,
perfect, and final settlement of all the questions referred to
the Arbitrators:"

Great Britain, Papers by Command:

Treaty Series Number 5, 1897.

Before the Arbitrators named in the treaty had entered on

their duties, a vacancy in the tribunal was created by the
death of Baron Herschell, and the Lord Chief Justice of
England, Lord Russell of Killowen, was appointed in his place.
His Excellency, Frederic de Martens, Privy Councillor and
Permanent Member of the Council of the Ministry of Foreign
Affairs in Russia, was selected to be the fifth Arbitrator. As
thus constituted, the Arbitral Tribunal met in Paris on the
15th of June, 1899. In the hearings before it, Venezuela was
represented by Benjamin Harrison, ex-President of the United
States, and other counsel; the British government by Sir
Richard Webster, Attorney-General of Great Britain, and
others. The decision of the Tribunal, which is said to have
been rendered with unanimity, was announced on the 3d of
October, 1899, as follows:

"We the undersigned Arbitrators do hereby make and publish our

decision, determination, and Award of, upon, and concerning
the questions submitted to us by the said Treaty of
Arbitration, and do hereby, conformably to the said Treaty of
Arbitration, finally decide, award, and determine that the
boundary-line between the Colony of British Guiana and the
United States of Venezuela is as follows:

Starting from the coast at Point Playa, the line of boundary

shall run in a straight line to the River Barima at its
junction with the River Mururuma, and thence along the
mid-stream of the latter river to its source, and from that
point to the junction of the River Haiowa with the Amakuru,
and thence along the mid-stream of the Amakuru to its source
in the Imataka Ridge, and thence in a south-westerly direction
along the highest ridge of the spur of the Imataka Mountains
to the highest point of the main range of such Imataka
Mountains opposite to the source of the Barima, and thence
along the summit of the main ridge in a south-easterly
direction of the Imataka Mountains to the source of the
Acarabisi, and thence along the mid-stream of the Acarabisi to
the Cuyuni, and thence along the northern bank of the River
Cuyuni westward to its junction with the Wenamu, and thence
 following the mid-stream of the Wenamu to its westernmost
source, and thence in a direct line to the summit of Mount
Roraima, and from Mount Roraima to the source of the Cotinga,
and along the mid-stream of that river to its junction with
the Takutu, and thence along the mid-stream of the Takutu to
its source, thence in a straight line to the westernmost point
of the Akarai Mountains, and thence along the ridge of the
Akarai Mountains to the source of the Corentin called the
Cutari River.
{693}
Provided always that the line of delimitation fixed by this
Award shall be subject and without prejudice to any questions
now existing, or which may arise, to be determined between the
Government of her Britannic Majesty and the Republic of
Brazil, or between the latter Republic and the United States
of Venezuela.

"In fixing the above delimitation the Arbitrators consider and

decide that in times of peace the Rivers Amakuru and Barima
shall be open to navigation by the merchant-ships of all
nations, subject to all just regulations and to the payment of
light or other like dues: Provided that the dues charged by
the Republic of Venezuela and the Government of the Colony of
British Guiana in respect of the passage of vessels along the
portions of such rivers respectively owned by them shall be
charged at the same rates upon the vessels of Venezuela and
Great Britain, such rates being no higher than those charged
to any other nation: Provided also that no customs duties
shall be chargeable either by the Republic of Venezuela or by
the Colony of British Guiana in respect of goods carried on
board ships, vessels, or boats passing along the said rivers,
but customs duties shall only be chargeable in respect of
goods landed in the territory of Venezuela or Great Britain
respectively."

Great Britain, Papers by Command:

Venezuela Number 7, 1899, pages 6-7.
VENEZUELA: A. D. 1898-1900.
Change in the Presidency.
Death of ex-President Crespo.
Revolution.
Rebellion.

General Joaquin Crespo retired from the presidency and was

succeeded by General Ignacio Andrade on the 1st of March,
1898. A revolutionary movement was soon started, with General
Hernandez at its head, and ex-President Crespo, who led the
forces of the government against it, was killed in a charge,
on the 16th of April. Hernandez was surprised and captured a
few weeks later, and the rebellion then subsided for a time.
In the spring of 1899 Hernandez was set at liberty by Andrade,
who, meantime, had crushed a minor revolt, undertaken by one
General Guerra. August found the harassed President assailed
by a fresh rising, started by General Cipriano Castro, and the
restless revolutionist, Hernandez, was soon in league with it.
This proved to be a revolution in earnest, and, after hard
fighting, President Andrade fled from the capital and the
country in October; Puerto Cabello, the last town to hold out
for him, was bombarded and stormed the following month, and a
new government was established, nominally under the Vice
President, Rodriguez, but with Castro for its actual head.
Before this had been fully accomplished, however, Hernandez
was in arms against Castro, with his accustomed ill-success.
Before the year closed he had fled the country; but early in
1900 he was once more in the field, maintaining a troublesome
war until May, when he was defeated, and again a prisoner in
his opponents' hands.

VICTORIA, Queen:
The Diamond Jubilee celebration of her accession to the throne.

See (in this volume)

ENGLAND: A. D. 1897 (JUNE).
VICTORIA, Queen:
Her death and funeral.
Tributes to her character.

See (in this volume)

ENGLAND: A. D. 1901 (JANUARY).

VICTORIA.

See (in this volume)

AUSTRALIA; and CONSTITUTION OF AUSTRALIA.

VICTORIAN ORDER, The.

A new order of knighthood, to be known as the Victorian Order,

and to be conferred as a mark of high distinction, was
instituted by Queen Victoria on the 21st of April, 1896.

VIENNA: A. D. 1895-1896.
Anti-Semitic agitation.

See (in this volume)

AUSTRIA-HUNGARY: A. D. 1895-1896.

VIENNA: A. D. 1897.
Scenes in the Reichsrath.

See (in this volume)

AUSTRIA-HUNGARY: A. D. 1897 (OCTOBER-DECEMBER).

VIENNA: A. D. 1900.
Census.

According to a report from the United States Consul at Vienna,

the census taken December 31, 1900, shows a population of
1,635,647, or nearly 63,000 less than that of Chicago, when
 the recent census of that city was taken. These figures show
Vienna to rank next after London, Paris and Berlin among the
European capitals, while in this country only New York and
Chicago are larger. In the last ten years Vienna has increased
21.9 per cent, or slightly faster than the average for the
whole United States. Of the two American cities larger than
Vienna New York increased in ten years 37.8 per cent. and
Chicago 54.4 per cent.

VIEQUEZ.

See (in this volume)

PORTO RICO: AREA AND POPULATION.

VILLIERS, Sir J. H. de:

Advice to President Kruger.

See (in this volume)

SOUTH AFRICA (THE TRANSVAAL): A. D. 1899 (MAY-AUGUST).

VIRDEN, Conflict with striking miners at.

See (in this volume)

INDUSTRIAL DISTURBANCES: A. D. 1898.

VIRGINIUS AFFAIR, The.

See (in this volume)

CUBA: A. D. 1868-1885.

VISAYAN ISLANDS, American occupation of the.

See (in this volume)

PHILIPPINE ISLANDS: A. D. 1899 (JANUARY-NOVEMBER).

VISAYANS, The.
 See (in this volume)
PHILIPPINE ISLANDS: THE NATIVE INHABITANTS.

VOLKSRAAD, South African.

See (in this volume)

CONSTITUTION (GRONDWET) OF THE SOUTH AFRICAN
REPUBLIC.

VOLUNTARY SCHOOLS, English.

See (in this volume)

ENGLAND: A. D. 1896-1897.

VOLUNTEERS OF AMERICA, The.

See (in this volume)

SALVATION ARMY.

VOTING, Plural or Cumulative, and Compulsory.

See (in this volume)

BELGIUM: A. D. 1894-1895.

{694}

WADAI.

See (in this volume)

NIGERIA, A. D. 1882-1899.

WALDECK-ROUSSEAU, M.:
The Ministry of.

See (in this volume)

FRANCE: A. D. 1899 (FEBRUARY-JUNE), and after.
WALES, The Prince or.

It has been announced that Prince George, Duke of Cornwall and

York, the only living son of King Edward VII., of England, and
heir to the British throne, will be created Prince of Wales,
by royal patent, after his return from Australia.

See (in this volume)

AUSTRALIA: A. D. 1901 (MAY).

WANA:
Inclusion in a new British Indian province.

See (in this volume)

INDIA: A. D. 1901 (FEBRUARY).

WAR:
Measures to prevent its occurrence and to mitigate its
barbarities.

See (in this volume)

PEACE CONFERENCE.

WAR BUDGETS:
Military and naval expenditures of the great Powers.

The following compilation of statistics of the military and

naval expenditure of the leading Powers (Great Britain
excepted) was submitted to the House of Representatives at
Washington by the Honorable George B. McClellan of New York,
in a speech, February 12, 1901, on the bill then pending in
Congress, to make appropriations for the support of the Army
of the United States. The tabulated statements were introduced
with explanations and comments as follows:

"For purposes of comparison, I have taken the armies and

navies of Austria-Hungary, France, the German Empire, Italy,
and Russia. I have not included Great Britain, for its
conditions have been abnormal for nearly two years. I have
based my estimates on the enlisted strength of the armies
referred to, excluding commissioned officers. The figures are
the most recent obtainable without direct communication with
foreign authorities and are for the most part for the last
fiscal year of the several countries, although in some cases
they are for 1898-99. The German naval budget does not include
the extraordinary expenditures for the new navy authorized by
the recent enactment of the Reichstag. This does not begin to
be effective until the next fiscal year. In estimating the
equivalent in dollars of the Italian budget I have allowed 6
per cent for the depreciation of the present paper currency—a
very moderate estimate. The Russian budget will appear
abnormally low, for I have recently seen it stated at
$159,000,000. This is because the ruble has been assumed to be
the gold ruble, worth 52 cents, but the budget is expressed in
paper rubles, and is now, under a recent order of M. Witte,
uniformly reckoned at two-thirds of the gold ruble. I have
therefore called it 34.6 cents."

As to the military expenditure of the United States, "the

House has during the present session appropriated, or is about
to appropriate, for the support of what may be called the
active Army, $152,068,100.84. The appropriations growing out
of past wars amount to a total of $154,694,292. I have charged
to this account every item that could by any possible
construction be assumed to refer to past wars and not to the
maintenance of the present Army. The pension appropriation
bill carried $145,245,230. The cost of administering the
Pension Bureau will amount to $3,352,790. The Record and
Pension Office costs $585,170. I have further included
appropriations for National and State Homes, back pay, etc.,
cemeteries, and $712,580 for extra clerks due to the Spanish
war. Adding the appropriations due to past wars to the
appropriation for the active Army, we find a total of
$306,762,392.84, which represents the total of our Army
budget. Taking the total cost of our active Army, and assuming
the enlisted strength of the Army to be 100,000, we find the
cost per annum of each enlisted man to be $l,520. Taking the
total Army budget, including appropriations arising from past
wars, we find the cost per annum of each enlisted man $3,067.

"Without including appropriations arising from past wars, we

find the cost of the Army per capita of population to be
$1.99. Including appropriations arising from past wars, we
find the cost of the Army per capita of population to be
$4.02. The army budget of Austria-Hungary is $67,564,446, the
cost of maintaining 1 enlisted man for one year being $183.86,
and the cost of the army per capita of population $1.50. The
army budget of France is $128,959,064, the cost of maintaining
1 enlisted man is $218.74, and the cost per capita of
population is $3.34. The army budget of the German Empire is
$156,127,743, the cost per annum of 1 enlisted man is $277.85,
the cost per capita of population is $2.98. The army budget of
Italy is $43,920,132, the cost of maintaining 1 enlisted man
per annum is $202.65, the cost per capita of population is
$1.39. The army budget of Russia is $99,927,997, the cost of
maintaining 1 enlisted man is $119.65, the cost per capita of
population is 77 cents.

"The appropriations for the support of the naval establishment

are by no means so widely distributed as are those for the
Army. The naval bill carries $77,016,635.60. In the
legislative, executive, and judicial bill there are carried
appropriations directly chargeable to the support of the Navy,
including pay of the clerical force in the Auditor's office,
the office of the Secretary, the office of the heads of the
bureaus, maintenance of building, and contingent expenses,
amounting to $399,150. In the sundry civil bill there are
carried, for printing and binding, appropriations amounting to
$127,000. Up to the present time the Secretary of the Treasury
has submitted to the House a statement of deficiencies for the
support of the naval establishment amounting to $2,491,549.64,
 making a total of $80,034,335.24 that the House has
appropriated or is about to appropriate during the present
session for the support of the naval establishment. In
addition to this the legislative, executive, and judicial bill
carries an appropriation of $21,800 for the payment of extra
clerks whose employment is necessitated by the Spanish war,
making a total naval budget of $80,056,135.24.

"The naval budget of Austria-Hungary is $7,028,167, a cost per

capita of population of 15 cents. The naval budget of France
is $61,238,478, a cost per capita of population of $1.58. The
naval budget of the German Empire is $32,419,602, a cost per
capita of population of 62 cents. The naval budget of Italy is
$18,455,111, a cost per capita of population of 58 cents. The
naval budget of Russia is $48,132,220, a cost per capita of
population of 37 cents.

{695}

"The combined appropriations for the Army and Navy represent

the total war budget, or, as some European countries prefer to
call it, the 'defense budget.' The total war budget of the
United States, excluding appropriations due to past wars,
amounts to $233,102,435, or a cost per capita of population of
$3.03. Our total war budget, including appropriations due to
past wars, amounts to $386,818,527, a cost per capita of
population of $5.06. The total war budget of Austria-Hungary
is $74,592,613, a cost per capita of population of $1.66. The
total war budget of France is $190,197,542, a cost per capita
of population of $4.92. The total war budget of the German
Empire is $188,547,345, a cost per capita of population of
$3.60. The total war budget of Italy is $62,375,243, a cost
per capita of population of $1.97. The total war budget of
Russia is $148,060,017, a cost per capita of population of
$1.14. The combined total war budgets of France and of the
German Empire amount to $378,744,887, or $8,073,640 less than
that of the United States.
 "The criticism has been made that there can be no comparison
between the cost of maintaining our Army and the cost of
maintaining those of Europe, for the reason that the European
private receives 'no pay' and ours receives $156 a year. As a
matter of fact, while service is compulsory on the Continent,
the continental private is paid a small sum, amounting on the
average to about $56 a year. In other words, our private
receives about $100 more than his comrade of Europe. This
criticism does not affect comparisons, as will be seen on the
consideration of a few figures. The war budget of the German
Empire is the largest in Europe. Were the Prussian private to
receive the same pay as our private the Prussian army budget
would be swelled to $212,354,343. Were the Russian private to
receive the same pay as our private the Russian budget would
be swelled to about $190,000,000 per annum. The difference in
pay does not account for the proportionate difference in the
size of the budgets, for were our Army to be increased to the
size of that of the German Empire our budget would be
increased by $702,644,320, making a total of $854,712,420,
without including expenses due to past wars, or, including
such expenses, making an Army budget of $1,009,406,712. Were
our Army to be increased to the size of Russia's, our budget
would be increased by $1,132,120,220, making a total Army
budget, without including appropriations due to past wars, of
81,284,188,320, or, including appropriations due to past wars,
making a total budget of $1,438,882,612.

"I submit these figures to the consideration of the House

without any comment whatsoever. Comment is unnecessary.

"TABLE A.
Analysis of the war budget of the United States as agreed to,
or about to be agreed to, by the House of Representatives,
first session Fifty-sixth Congress.

1. ARMY.
Appropriations for the active Army.

Army bill
$117,994,649.10
Military Academy bill
700,151.88
Fortification bill
7,227,461.00

Legislative, executive, and judicial bill:

Office of the Secretary of War

$104,150
Office of the Auditor for the War Department
318,300
Offices of heads of so-called "staff"
departments 653,826
Maintenance of three-eighths of Department
building 45,990
Rent
13,500
Stationery
32,500
Postage
1,000
Contingent expenses
58,000
Total
1,227,266.00

Sundry civil bill:

Arsenals and armories
281,550
Military posts
1,008,960
Bringing home dead
150,000
Maps, etc.
5,100
Printing and binding
241,000
Repairs, three-eighths Department building
31,500
Total
1,721,110.00

Deficiencies submitted:
December 11, 1900
12,062,223.36
January 21, 1901
5,835,239.50
January 26, 1001
5,300,000.00
Total
23,197,462.36

Total, active Army

152,068,100.84

Appropriations growing out of past wars.

Pensions
$145,245,230.00
Salaries, Pension Bureau, etc.
3,352,700.00
Record and Pension Office
585,170.00
National Homes for Disabled Volunteer Soldiers
3,074,142.00
State Homes for Disabled Volunteer Soldiers
950,000.00
Back pay and bounty (civil war)
325,000.00
Arrears of pay (Spanish war)
200,000.00
National cemeteries
191,880.00
Artificial limbs and appliances
27,000.00
Headstones and burials
28,000.00
Apache prisoners
2,500.00
Secretary of War, extra clerks (Spanish war)
600,000.00
Auditor for War Department,
extra clerks(Spanish war)
112,580.00

Total.
154,694,292.00

Appropriations for the active Army

152,068,100.84

Total Army budget.

300,762,392.81
2. NAVY.

Naval bill
$77,016,635.60
Legislative, executive, and judicial bill:
Office of the Secretary of the Navy
$47,900.00
Office of the Auditor for the Navy
Department 68,080.00
Offices of heads of bureaus, etc.
224,430.00
Maintenance of three-eighths
of Department building
45,990.00
Contingent expenses
12,750.00
Total
$399,150.00

Sundry civil bill:

Printing and binding
127,000.00

Deficiencies submitted:
December 11, 1900
74,481.09
December 17, 1900
20,000.00
January 21, 1901
2,267,068.55
January 25, 1901
130,000.00
 Total
2,491,549.64

Total, active Navy

80,034,335.24
Auditor for Navy Department,
extra clerks (Spanish war)
21,800.00

Total Navy budget

80,056,135.24

3. RECAPITULATION.

Active Army
$152,068,100.84
Active Navy
80,034,335.24
Total
$232,102,436.08

Army (past wars)

154,694,292.00
Navy (past wars)
21,800.00
Total War Budget
154,716,092.00

Total war budget

386,818,528.08

{696}
TABLE B. Analysis of war budgets of various armies.

Country Population Latest Total

Cost of Cost of Latest Cost of
Total war
by last Obtainable
enlisted maintaining army per obtainable
navy per budget Cost of army and
census Army Budget
strength, one enlisted capita of naval
capita of combined
peace
man for population budget population
per capita of

footing one year.

population.

Austria-Hungary 44,901,036 $67,564,446

368,002 $183.86 $1.50 $7,028,167
$0.15 $74,502,613 $1.66
France 38,517,975 128,959,064
589,541 218.74 3.34 61,238,478
1.58 190,197,542 4.92
German Empire 52,246,589 156,127,743
562,266 277.85 2.98 32,419,602
.62 188,547,345 3.60
Italy 31,479,217 43,020,132
216,720 202.65 1.39 18,455,111
.58 62,375,243 1.97
Russia 129,211,113 99,927,797
835,143 119.85 .77 48,132,220
.37 148,060,017 1.14