Write your answer in 220–260 words in an appropriate style.

You have listened to a discussion on how people in richer countries can be made
more aware of poverty in other parts of the world. You have

made the notes below:

Ways of raising awareness of poverty as a

global issue.

• education

• campaigns by charities

• increased media coverage

Write an essay for your tutor discussing two of the approaches in your notes. You
should explain which approach you think would be more effective, giving reasons to
support your opinion.

You may, if you wish, make use of the opinions expressed in the discussion, but you
should use your own words as far as possible.

There exists today an ever-widening wealth gap between different parts of the world, with an
increasing number of people living in extreme

poverty. Urgent measures are needed, and the first step must surely be to raise awareness
in richer countries of just how desperate the situation is. To achieve this, there would appear
to be two possible approaches.

Firstly, the media could cover world poverty much more frequently and in far greater depth.
Currently, television rarely focuses on this human tragedy, despite the awful conditions in
which hundreds of millions of people spend their entire lives. Regular in-depth reports,
however, would surely bring it home to viewers that this appalling situation never goes away,
leading to greater pressure on governments to take steps such as increasing overseas aid.

Schools could also have an important role to play. although it is essential that pupils are
taught about the social problems of their own country, attention should also be paid to the
difficulties of those, especially children, in poorer nations. Students need to learn why such
terrible living conditions exist, both by studying the history of those countries and by looking
at the political, economic and social factors that make poverty so difficult to eliminate.

Nevertheless, relying on the education system would take many years to bring results,
whereas change is needed right now. It should also involve the whole population, not just
young people. Only the media can have this immediate impact, and nowadays it is only the
media that almost everyone pays attention to.
Nâng cấp lập luận

Task Response
Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:

Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt by discussing
two approaches to raising awareness of global poverty: education and increased media
coverage. It also presents a clear opinion on which approach is more effective, providing
reasons to support this opinion.

How to improve: While the essay adequately covers both approaches, a more
comprehensive analysis could be provided by delving deeper into the potential effectiveness
of each approach and discussing counterarguments.

Present a Clear Position Throughout:

Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, advocating for
increased media coverage as the more effective approach to raising awareness of global
poverty. This position is consistently supported with reasoning.

How to improve: To enhance clarity further, the essay could explicitly state the chosen
approach in the introduction and reinforce it in the conclusion.

Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently and supports them with relevant
examples, such as the suggestion that increased media coverage could lead to greater
pressure on governments to increase overseas aid. However, further elaboration on the
potential impact of education and media campaigns by charities could strengthen the
argument.

How to improve: Providing specific examples of successful media campaigns or

educational initiatives related to poverty awareness would add depth to the essay's
argumentation.

Stay on Topic:

Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by discussing the two
approaches outlined in the prompt: education and increased media coverage. However,
there is a slight deviation when the essay mentions the importance of involving the entire
population, which is not directly related to the chosen approaches.

How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points directly contribute to the
discussion of the effectiveness of education and media coverage in raising awareness of
global poverty.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the topic and effectively argues for
increased media coverage as the more impactful approach. To enhance its coherence and
depth, the essay could provide more thorough analysis and incorporate additional supporting
examples.
Coherence & Cohesion
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:

Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and coherent structure. It begins by
introducing the topic of global poverty and the need for urgent action to raise awareness in
richer countries. The two proposed approaches, increased media coverage and education,
are effectively discussed in separate paragraphs, allowing for a logical flow of ideas. Each
paragraph develops its respective point logically, with the first discussing the potential of
media coverage and the second focusing on the role of education. The conclusion provides
a succinct summary of the argument presented.

How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider providing a stronger

transition between paragraphs to ensure a smoother flow of ideas. Additionally, ensure that
each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea to aid reader
comprehension.

Use Paragraphs:

Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to organize ideas. Each
paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the topic, with the first discussing the potential of
increased media coverage and the second addressing the role of education in raising
awareness of global poverty. The paragraphs are of appropriate length and maintain
coherence within themselves.

How to improve: While the essay demonstrates effective paragraphing overall, ensure that
each paragraph maintains a consistent focus on its main idea without veering off into
unrelated topics. Additionally, consider varying sentence structure within paragraphs to
maintain reader engagement.

Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices to connect ideas
and ensure coherence. Examples include cohesive devices such as 'firstly', 'secondly', and
'nevertheless' to signal transitions between points. Additionally, cohesive devices like
'however' and 'although' are used to contrast ideas and provide nuance to the argument.

How to improve: To further enhance cohesion, consider incorporating a greater variety of

cohesive devices such as pronouns (e.g., 'this', 'these'), conjunctions (e.g., 'furthermore',
'consequently'), and synonyms to avoid repetition. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices
are used consistently throughout the essay to maintain coherence.

Overall, the essay effectively demonstrates coherence and cohesion, with a clear
organization of ideas, well-structured paragraphs, and cohesive devices used to connect and
develop arguments. To improve further, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs,
maintaining consistent paragraph focus, and diversifying cohesive devices for enhanced
coherence.

Lexical Resource
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary,

incorporating terms such as "wealth gap," "extreme poverty," "human tragedy," "appalling
situation," "overseas aid," "social problems," "living conditions," "political, economic, and
social factors," and "immediate impact." These lexical choices effectively convey the severity
and complexity of the issue of global poverty.

How to improve: While the essay does utilize a diverse vocabulary, incorporating more
nuanced or context-specific terminology could further enhance the depth of analysis. For
instance, instead of repeatedly using "poverty," consider employing synonyms like
"deprivation," "impoverishment," or "socioeconomic disparity" where appropriate.
Additionally, integrating specialized terms related to international development or sociology
could enrich the discussion.

Use Vocabulary Precisely:

Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively
conveying intended meanings. For instance, phrases like "ever-widening wealth gap,"
"terrible living conditions," and "regular in-depth reports" accurately capture the severity and
urgency of the situation. However, there are instances where the language could be more
precise. For example, the phrase "social problems" could be elaborated upon or replaced
with more specific descriptors to enhance clarity.

How to improve: To enhance precision, consider replacing general terms with more specific
ones that provide greater clarity and depth of analysis. For instance, instead of using broad
terms like "social problems," specify particular issues such as "healthcare disparities,"
"educational inequities," or "infrastructure deficiencies" to offer a more nuanced
understanding of the challenges associated with poverty.

Use Correct Spelling:

Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with no
noticeable errors detracting from overall readability. The author demonstrates consistent
proficiency in spelling throughout the essay, enhancing clarity and professionalism.

How to improve: Given the exemplary spelling accuracy displayed in the essay, maintaining
current spelling practices and attention to detail will suffice in ensuring continued precision in
written expression. Consistent review of spelling rules and frequent exposure to written
materials can further reinforce spelling proficiency, minimizing the likelihood of errors in
future compositions.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence

structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, it effectively employs
compound sentences such as "Urgent measures are needed, and the first step must surely
be to raise awareness in richer countries..." and complex sentences like "Regular in-depth
reports, however, would surely bring it home to viewers that this appalling situation never
goes away..."
How to improve: To further enhance variety, consider incorporating more diverse sentence
types, such as rhetorical questions or conditional sentences, to add depth and sophistication
to the essay's structure.

Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and
punctuation. However, there are a few instances where minor grammatical errors are
present, such as missing articles ("...raising awareness in richer countries of just how
desperate the situation is.") and subject-verb agreement ("...it is only the media that almost
everyone pays attention to."). Additionally, there are opportunities to improve punctuation
consistency, particularly in the use of commas within complex sentences.

How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to article usage
and ensure agreement between subjects and verbs. Moreover, strive for consistency in
punctuation, particularly with commas, by reviewing complex sentence structures and
ensuring they are punctuated correctly. Consider using proofreading techniques to identify
and correct such errors effectively.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and sentence structure,
with minor areas for improvement. By incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures
and refining grammatical accuracy and punctuation consistency, the essay could further
elevate its effectiveness in conveying ideas and arguments.

Bài chữa tham khảo

There is currently an increasingly widening wealth disparity across the globe, highlighting the
severity of the situation of extreme poverty in many regions. Urgent measures are required
to address this issue, with the first step being to raise awareness among individuals in
wealthier nations about the dire circumstances faced by millions of people worldwide. In
considering potential approaches, two plausible options emerge.

Firstly, enhancing media coverage of global poverty could significantly contribute to

increasing awareness. Presently, mainstream media rarely sheds light on this humanitarian
crisis, despite the deplorable living conditions endured by millions. However, more frequent
and in-depth reports on television and other platforms could undoubtedly impress upon
viewers the ongoing nature of this distressing situation. This heightened awareness could
exert pressure on governments to take action, such as increasing foreign aid to alleviate
poverty.

Additionally, education, particularly within schools, holds promise in addressing this issue.
While it is crucial for students to learn about social problems within their own countries,
equal attention should be given to the challenges faced by individuals, especially children, in
impoverished nations. By studying the historical, political, economic, and social factors
contributing to global poverty, students can gain a deeper understanding of its complexities.

However, it is imperative to acknowledge that reliance solely on the education system may
require considerable time to yield tangible results. Immediate action is necessary, and the
media, given its extensive reach and influence, is better positioned to generate widespread
awareness. In today's society, where the media commands the attention of nearly everyone,
leveraging its power is essential in addressing the urgency of the global poverty crisis.