What is Gentle Parenting : Proven Parenting Strategies for Happy Family Life

Choosing a parenting style isn't necessarily a conscious decision we make when we become
parents. Often, a parenting style trickles down from our own experiences growing up. Some may
want to imitate the unique strengths their own parents modelled. Others may use their childhood
experience as a blueprint for what to avoid in a parenting style today.
One of the most meaningful qualities of gentle parenting is its emphasis on reflection. Reflecting
on the compassion with which you treat your child is at the heart of this approach. There is no
shortage of parenting styles to consider, which can sometimes feel overwhelming. If gentle
parenting is new to you, this beginner's guide can help walk you through what it's all about to see
if it is a fit for your family.
What is Gentle Parenting?
Gentle parenting is a parenting approach that encourages a partnership between you and your
child to make choices based on an internal willingness instead of external pressures.
This parenting style asks you to become aware of the behaviour you model for your
child, encourages compassion, welcomes emotions and accepts the child as a whole, capable
being.
The approach doesn't follow a strict set of rules. It wasn't created by a lifestyle or parenting guru,
nor does it stem from a celebrity fad. The gentle parenting philosophy includes a wide variety of
strategies that may already be familiar to you. Sarah Ockwell-Smith, parenting expert and author
of The Gentle Parenting Book, sums up gentle parenting in three
words: empathy, understanding, and respect.
Common Misunderstandings About Gentle Parenting
It’s easy to think of the gentle parenting philosophy as boundary-free. Parents can be
apprehensive to embrace a gentler approach because they might be concerned with losing
control. They worry it could lead to their child being unable to identify what is or isn’t out of
bounds for their safety and their treatment of themselves and others. While it’s a valid concern,
parents can rest assured that gentle parenting doesn’t avoid discipline or boundaries.
Remember that encouraging a partnership between the parent and the child is the goal of this
approach. Arbitrary anger and commands are discouraged, such as repeatedly justifying demands
with “because I told you so.” In their place, gentle parents send messages that not only set
boundaries but leave a long-term impact. Children are told that they have a partner in their parent
that will keep them safe and are encouraged to learn from the situation.
In this case, a parent establishing expectations for a day at the park might say “we are going to
stay safe by playing in this area where we can both see one another. We can check if we are too
far by waving at each other and making sure the other person waves back.”
How Gentle Parenting and Montessori Fit Together
Gentle parenting has several things in common with the Montessori method. To start, both
encourage the child to take responsibility for themselves. Gentle parenting takes guiding your
child towards independence to an emotional level. Children are invited to explore their emotions,
and parents consistently model accepting their child's experience, which teaches children how to
manage their feelings.
For example, a gentle parent will not impulsively try to stop a frustrated child from crying.
Instead, they’ll remain calm to show the child they can safely experience their negative
emotions. They might honor the child's experience by telling them, "I can see you have strong
feelings right now. Let's sit here together and take some deep breaths.” When parents don't
immediately try to eliminate their child’s negative feelings, children feel accepted and learn to
recognize the full spectrum of emotions as natural. They also learn to manage them in a peaceful
and nurturing environment, building resilience against a flood of what would otherwise be
deemed “negative” emotions.
Both gentle parenting and Montessori also use adults as guides rather than authoritative figures
who dole out arbitrary commands. Both approaches also place emphasis on keen observation. In
Montessori, we notice what interests our students to create a nurturing environment. Similarly,
gentle parents pay close attention to how their children react to problems and use empathy to
identify their child's needs.
The 3 Facets of Gentle Parenting
A practical way of looking at gentle parenting is to see it as a practice of remembering certain
intuitive truths. For example, we know that children learn by watching their parents . We know
that our child is their own person, and we want them to feel loved for who they are. Seeing how
empathy, understanding, and respect fit into gentle parenting can give you a better idea of how to
try it yourself.
Empathy
Making an effort to be mindful of how your child feels in their moment of need is the equivalent
of turning off auto-pilot mode. It’s easy to get swept up in the routine of everyday family life.
Making a habit of pausing to empathize with your child will give you better access to what the
present situation requires. It also shows children how to treat others with care and compassion.
For example, when a child is upset or nervous, a parent can become curious about what is behind
the child's behaviour. They can try to look for what their child needs at that moment and find out
why. Empathy is a powerful reminder to slow down and engage with what your child is dealing
with.
Understanding
The understanding piece of gentle parenting comes down to making a practice of remembering
that a child is a child. Their world is vastly different from that of adults. It is a reminder that all
of the thought patterns that color the grown-up perspective have not yet developed in children.
For example, when children are upset by the toy they misplaced, or their stay at the park is
ending before they're ready to go, ask yourself where this behaviour is coming from. Remember
that your child’s emotional maturity is still developing. By acknowledging that a child's
behaviour is appropriate for their developmental stage, parents allow children to explore their
reactions, emotions, or thoughts in a safe and nurturing space.
Respect
Gentle parenting is based on mutual respect, something that has far-reaching effects. It wouldn't
make sense to hope that a child grows up into an adult who respects others when being respected
wasn't modelled for them at a young age. Parents who show their child respect are also showing
them that it is a choice. Respect is connected to their values, which will develop by seeing
positive role models around them. In day-to-day life, respecting your child in practice means
swapping gentle requests for harsh commands, and extending invitations for partnership in lieu
of fear-based warnings.
How to Incorporate Gentle Parenting in Your
Everyday Life
The following tips can help you start incorporating gentle parenting into your everyday life:
 Comment on the action, not the person. Try to separate the action from the child when
you speak. It's the difference between responding with "You're mean to your sister" and
replacing it with "I don't think your sister likes it when you do that. Let's try something
else and see how she responds." This helps to emphasize that mistakes happen to all
of us, but they don't define who we are. They're a natural part of life and of learning and
shouldn't trigger shame as we practice doing the right things.
 Model all kinds of kindness. Use kindness towards yourself to show your child how to
be curious and compassionate about their own emotions. If you're tired, use the
opportunity to share what self-care looks like to you. You can say, "Oh boy, I am tired
today. A nice shower will make me feel more rested, and I will go to bed earlier
tonight". You'll also be modelling how your child can treat themselves and others in
times of need.
 Swap commands for an invitation to work together. This can be as simple as changing
the format of your demand to a question that encourages your child to work
collaboratively with you. While a demand might sound like "Tie your shoes", a gentle
parenting alternative would ask, "Should we tie our shoes so we don't trip?"
  Encourage the positive action. There are plenty of alternatives to saying no. Gentle
parenting means you choose to set clear boundaries and underline what you are asking of
your child. Limit your request to focus on the action you do want to encourage. Demands
not to touch something can be communicated by saying things like "Let's use gentle
hands on this" or even "This one is just for looking".
We hope this overview has helped you to better understand the gentle parenting approach. The
strategies above can help you get started, and if gentle parenting is something you'd like to learn
more about, we'd suggest picking up a copy of Sarah Ockwell-Smith's The Gentle Parenting
Book and visiting her website.

What Is Gentle Parenting?

The goal of gentle parenting is to approach everyday challenges in a supportive and
compassionate way. Gentle parenting guides you to remove blame, validate your
child’s feelings and encourage independence. Parenting expert and author Sarah
Ockwell-Smith coined the term in 2005 and has helped thousands of families since
she began her work. But this mindful approach to parenting has become even more
popular in recent years with the rise of social media.

Benefits of Gentle Parenting

Using gentle parenting can set your little ones up for success later in life. “When a
parent emphasizes emotional experience and provides this type of sensitive
caregiving, children will ideally grow up to be more kind, generous and
understanding,” says Goodwin.

Research supports the gentle parenting approach. One study found a link between
parents’ harsh verbal discipline and adolescents’ aggressive behaviors and depressive
symptoms.
Petix says learning how your child’s brain works is one significant benefit of gentle
parenting. As adults, we often lose sight of the fact that our kids haven’t yet learned
how to act in certain situations. Understanding where your child is coming from
strengthens your bond and builds trust.

Additionally, gentle parenting can launch a cycle of positive

parenting. Research suggests that this kind of parenting is passed down through
generations.

Perceived Problems With Gentle Parenting

If you’re willing to do the work (and spend the time), you’ll hopefully see positive
outcomes in most situations. But no parenting style is perfect, and it can be
discouraging when you don’t get the expected results.

There’s a misinformed belief that harsh punishment is necessary for children to “learn
their lesson,” says Goodwin, though we know this isn’t the case. Research supports
this assertion: Yelling and shaming a child may give you a release in the moment, but
it doesn’t help either of you in the long run. Humans learn better with positive
reinforcement, which is a central aspect of gentle parenting.
What many critics don’t understand about gentle parenting is that it’s not about
ending all negative behaviors and living in a stress-free home. “A big part of gentle
parenting is accepting that challenging behaviors are developmentally normal for
young children,” explains Goodwin.

Petix adds that social media has fed into perceived problems with gentle parenting and
given many parents a “surface-level understanding” of the approach. It’s commonly
confused with permissive parenting, in which the child gets to make all the decisions.

Gentle parenting takes dedication. Consistency can be more challenging for parents
with different family types. Single parents, families with multiple children or parents
of children with disabilities may find it difficult to implement. Parents of
neurodivergent or spirited children can use gentle parenting, says Goodwin, but
it can be challenging to remain calm with children who have more frequent, intense
meltdowns. You may find it beneficial to seek additional support from a mental health
professional.

Additionally, parents who have suffered trauma during childhood may have difficulty
using gentle parenting strategies. Therapy for adverse childhood experiences is an
excellent way for those parents to work through their own triggers.

Tips for How to Gentle Parent in Everyday Life

If you’re thinking about adopting some gentle parenting techniques, start by
considering whether your child’s behavior is appropriate for their age. “Children often
show challenging behavior because they’re missing skills rather than purposely
misbehaving or trying to give you a hard time,” says Goodwin. “Effective parents
focus on helping their children learn these skills rather than simply punishing the
behavior.” Below, some tips to get started on your journey to gentler, more mindful
parenting:

Set up your child for success

Discuss expectations for your child ahead of time. When talking about a plan, have
them repeat it, so you know they heard you, advises Petix. A visual timer can be
helpful if you’re giving them a specific amount of time to do an activity.

Have a plan when the meltdown happens

After holding firm to your boundary, there may be a meltdown. Sit with your child
and keep them safe. Petix suggests saying something like, “I’m going to pick you up
and move you away from the blocks to keep you safe.”

Choose your words wisely

Goodwin suggests using different words to say the same thing. Avoid saying, “If you
yell again, no iPad for the rest of the week.” Instead try, “Let’s remember to use our
inside voices when we’re inside. Can you show me how you use your inside voice?”
Your approach is a large part of gentle parenting.

Allow mistakes
“Allow your child to make their own choices (to a certain extent), including their own
mistakes,” says Goodwin. Mistakes are a part of life. “Respect their independence,
and correct their behavior when necessary,” she adds

Talk about emotions

Naming how you feel in the moment is a great way to introduce emotional regulation
to your child, explains Goodwin. You can also discuss feelings that a book or TV
character is experiencing.

Be present with your child

“Spend one-on-one ‘special time’ with no distractions on a regular basis,” says
Goodwin. She adds that this is one of the most effective strategies to improve the
parent-child relationship.

Follow up later
Petix says that bedtime presents an ideal opportunity to check in, when your child is
(hopefully) calming down for the night. It allows them to see the situation from the
outside and process their feelings.

Take inventory
Still unsure how to gentle parent when you have so many stressors? Take stock of
your child’s behaviors and think about which ones trigger you the most. Goodwin
emphasizes how important it is for parents to then regulate their own emotions. It’s
easy to have a trigger reaction; it takes work to be more respectful and mindful.
Above all else, show your child your love—no matter how hard they may be testing
you. And if you’re struggling, seek support and practice mindfulness in your own life.
Your children deserve you at your best—and that means you need to be kind and
gentle with yourself too.

About the experts:

Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed clinical child psychologist and mother to three
children. She specializes in child development and has spent years researching child
psychology and neuroscience, and providing therapy for children of all ages and
parent training. She is the founder of the nonprofit organization Parenting Translator,
which translates recent scientific research into information that is relevant and
accurate. Goodwin is also a bestselling author of the children’s book What To Do
When You Feel Like Hitting.

Introduction to Gentle Parenting

The Gentle parenting, which is referred to as the holistic approach and is based on the
cooperative relation of the parent and the child, provides a space for more consistent
learning patterns and one’s creativity. Unlike authoritative styles there is a focus on
intrinsic motivation over extrinsic pressure which promotes compassion, cognition,
and reverence. This school of thinking is in a piloted by such critical experts as Sarah
Rockwell-Smith and is not regarded by restrictions but abacas with compassionate
techniques promoting the youngling growth.

The gentle way positive parenting misunderstandings need to be debunked.

As the name suggests, gentle parenting is not synonymous with permissiveness. The
reason some parents are apprehensive of this method because they fear that they might
not be controlling and it might be blurring boundaries essential for safety and control
on behavior. Still, gentle parenting is far from a refusal to discipline; it assists in
creating limits by using compassion and understanding. Through encouraging
partnership through attunement or dialog engagement, parents redirect children
towards morally appropriate and self-regulatory behaviors.

Gentle Parenting Three Pillars

Empathy:

The key approach to the gentle parenting is empathy – the ability to feel as a child and
walk him/her through his/her emotional distress. In attuning to their needs, parents not
only build a greater connection but also demonstrate the caring people that they
are. Emotionally competent parents respond empathetically to their child’s distress
and this can only establish trust and emotional resilience for healthy relationships.

Understanding:

Understanding that children see the world differently from adults is fundamental in
gentle parenting. Knowing their level of development and intellectual abilities parents
can communicate with them as they ought to. Through acknowledging the emotions
of a child and creating a safe environment parents endow it with power to overcome
difficulties while revealing true thoughts and feelings.

Respect:

Respect is at the core of gentle parenting which in turn defines respect for oneself and
others as a coherent system of family behavior. When parents respect a child’s
autonomy of will by listening to what he or she has to say and responding to this, this
kind of behavior reveals the parents’ attitude toward mutual respect and
empathy. Respectful behaviors communicate to children to hold boundaries and create
relationships which are ground in trust and reciprocity.

Everyday Applications of Gentle Parenting.

By remarks of action rather than people.

By addressing behaviors, not child, parents provide self-awareness and development

in the children. Feedback that is constructive reinforces a moral responsibility without
guilt, so that children can learn to correct their wrongs.
Modeling Kindness

Parents lead by example to teach their children to practice self-compassion and

resilience from which they learn such lifelong skills as self-worth and
adaptability. Kindness to oneself and the kindness to others learned by parents passes
empathy from generation to generation and nurtures an environment of emotional
sensitivity in the family.

Inviting Collaboration

Parents who present directives as cooperative efforts thereby promote shared

responsibility and a team spirit. The children inclusion in decision-making invokes
self- determination and constructs problem-solving abilities that set the attitude for
giving respect and understanding.

Encouraging Positive Behavior

As opposed to severe restrictions, gentle parenting bursts with positive reinforcement

and precise guidance. By endorsing desired kind of behavior and implied boundaries,
parents create nurturing milieu favorable to learning and development.

Conclusion
Gentle parenting involves a more caring approach to children, acting as an ally to
authoritarian practices that many times show up with the lack of compassion for the
child, empathy, understanding, and respect. Effective parenting therefore focuses on
the need for an emotional bond and trust capped by mutual respect that enables the
children to handle their life challenges with a sense of grit and truth within. Guided by
mindful and nurturing interactions, gentle parenting creates such an environment,
where children can grow and turn into compassionate, aware individuals. More in-
depth information about the implementation of this holistic approach in everyday life
is available in Sarah Ockwell-Smith’s ‘The Gentle Parenting Book’.

What is Gentle Parenting, and how does it differ from traditional parenting
styles?
According to Gentle Parenting, emphasis is put on empathy, understanding, and
respect so as to establish the cooperative relationship between parents and
children. As opposed to authoritarian methods, it provides motivation from within
rather than external pressure, promoting emotional intelligence and self-control.

Are there viable methods to carry out Gentle Parenting in everyday activities?
Yes, there are plenty of sound ways to integrate Gentle Parenting into regular
activities. These include commenting on acts rather than stating the behavior and sales
of child action, practices kindness and self-acceptance, inviting sharing in decision-
making, and promoting positive conduct through affirmations and clarity of
behavioral expectations.

FAQ’s