11.

Sex, Dating, Relationships & Power

This lesson will review how sex influences the dynamics of power and
attachment in a budding relationship.

https://youtu.be/eZ8pjIJ4WSU

As we’ve seen, while women tend to screen and discriminate for their
sexual partners, men seek sex from multiple partners.

Men also have more testosterone and plenty of evidence suggests

that men think, obsess and “need” sex more than women do.
That means that, for most men, there is a gap between how much sex
they want and how much they can get.

Basically, most men want more sex than they can get.

And that gives women the power to exchange sex for… Whatever
they want.
That includes investment, support, wining and dining and, possibly,
even commitment before a relationship -and that’s why the technique
of waiting for sex works with many men-.

Of course, women can also get all kinds of other stuff with sex.
The rule of thumb indeed is that women trade sex -or the hint of sex-
to get stuff while men trade stuff and favors for sexual favors.

It might sound crude to put it that way, but it’s an important rule of
social and sexual dynamics.

However, there are two crucial aspects of female sexual power:

1. Female sexual power decreases after sex, sometimes precipitously

2. Female leverage of sex is severely reduced with men who can
easily get sex (and that’s why “make him wait for sex” games work
less well with men who have of options)

An Evolutionary Overview
Geoffrey Miller says that the duration and intensity of copulatory
courtship in a species is a clue to the power of female choice.

If efficient sperm delivery were the only point of copulation, a single

thrust would be sufficient.
But copulatory thrusting in humans seems designed to maximize the
intensity, duration, and rhythmicity of tactile stimulation delivered to
the female genitals.

Delivering stimulation in addition to delivering sperm suggests that

female choice has been important when it comes to copulation.
Concealed ovulation and continuous sexual receptivity allowed our
female ancestors the opportunity to “test” men as sexual partners with
a lower risk of unwanted pregnancy.

The clitoris might also be seen as a tool of female sexual choice: it

helps to select for males who provide pleasurable foreplay, copulation,
and orgasms, and such discriminative power is just what we should
expect from an organ of female choice.
Orgasms often require attentiveness and “caring” from the part of the
male, which further helped select men who were willing to invest time
and energy into her.

Mechanisms for choice indeed must be discriminating, and that’s why

the female orgasm is sometimes elusive: it is supposed to be.
It should not come easy for men who are inept, brief, lazy, inattentive
and selfish.
The penis instead is not discriminating and always comes easily.
If we also consider that women are the choosers more times than not,
than we start seeing why her pleasure has been evolutionary more
important than male pleasure.
That’s why contrary to what might think, providing great sex provides
more leverage and power to men than to women.

Indeed, because male orgasms are easy and always similar while
female orgasms are elusive and with a huge upper bound of
pleasure, great sex is a tool of male power, while sex, even
average sex, is a tool of female power.

But as we’ve seen, general rules are poor in sexual dynamics.

And the penis and the male orgasms can also be tools of choice for
men with lots of options and who enjoy great sex.
And if the owner of the penis is happy, he is more likely to stick around
and stay for a long-term relationship.

Power & Sex

The relationship between sex and power goes both ways.
Power also gives access to sex.

Most often, it’s powerful men who use their position to get sex, and
less frequently women.
Why?
Because, as we have seen, women don’t want sex from anyone. And
they usually don’t like men with less status and power than they have.
So women in power don’t often want to exchange sex from their
reports and employees in exchange for favors and promotions.

But men do.

As a matter of fact, it’s probably for the easier access to mates and
quality of mates that men want power in the first place -or at least
that’s how men evolved a thirst for power and status-.
And that’s why we are not going to get rid of men like Harvey
Weinstein anytime soon.

Sex & Power

Let’s go back to providing great sex now.

So, does providing great sex give power?

Of course it does.

Whenever you can provide something that others want, that gives you
power.

Do you remember when talking about the sexual market place we said
that people with an over-abundance of value in one category can
allow themselves to give less in another category?
That can be similar with great sex, where men can have women to
come over to their place without investing much in the relationship if
they can provide her with lots of fun.
Women can also have men come over for sex, and they do it all the
time. But that’s because men want more sex than they can get, and
not necessarily because the sex is great.

Limitations of Sex As Bargaining Chip

That being said, there are limitations to the use of sex as a tool for
marketplace bargaining.

To begin with, sex often happens a bit later, when people have
already assessed each other plenty.
So, at least in temporal terms, sexual intercourse takes a backfoot to
other traits such as status, intelligence, health, beauty, etc.
Once the couple gets to sex, then sex also enters in the computation
of sexual market value.
Great sex can provide a great boost to a budding couple.
The opposite is rarer though: cases in which the sex is so bad that the
couple must undo are relatively rare.

Finally, albeit we said that great sex is more of a tool of male power, it
tends to be more of a tool of short term power.
Why?
Because in fresh relationships sex takes the center stage. In more
libertine dating, there isn’t even much else aside from sex.
But as her mindset transitions more and more into long-term, women
start demanding more and more. So the power of sex gets diluted with
other currencies she demands, such as support, loyalty, fathering, etc.

Take this one as an example:

In the short run sex can be extremely effective in granting leverage
and power. It also boosts his status in her eyes, heightening her
feelings of love and admiration.

But it’s not possible to keep a woman who seeks a relationship without
a relationship just by providing great sex.
In the long run, more is required.
Eventually, her needs for the more typical aspects of a relationship,
such as support, provisioning, faithfulness and “officiality”, start
becoming more and more powerful -and righteously so-.

This is especially true for high-quality women who more easily get
men and investment.
They have more dating power, and they more assertively demand for
what they believe should get.

Case in point: that relationship above crashed and burned when I

turned out to be a lousy boyfriend.

In sum: men who want to be relationship leaders over the long run will
gain much by getting good at sex, but they also need to provide more.

Toy Boys Are Not Powerful

As we said, orgasms are tools of female choice.
If all a man has got to give are orgasms, then she is still the chooser
and he is still a provider (of sex).
Not a bad position to be in, in many ways.
But, depending on his overall personality, potentially not the most
powerful one.

At the extreme, providing sex without getting much in return can also
make him (or her) the one down in the power dynamic.
Like a toy-boy.
And toy-boys are rather low in power. Male toyboys are just slightly
better than the equivalent female bimbos.

I’ll give you an example:

I once had a woman who left a girlfriend of hers waiting in the car. She
showed up at my door with a long coat and nothing underneath.

Hot.

And as soon as we were done, she left without saying a word, but
grinning a big smile.
That smile was not just because of sex, but also because she was
high on her feeling of power.
And she wasn’t wrong: she came, literally and figuratively, got her fill,
only figuratively as I use a condom, and she left. All on her will and
time.

Now compare that with the sexual experience with another woman, K.
I went for anal sex with K but had to stop because it was being too
painful for K., and we kept doing other stuff.
Once we were done, as we laid in sweat, her resting on top of me, I
was enjoying the silence. Brief silence, though. K. soon raised her
head and asked “are you OK?”.
I nodded.
Little later she asked again “are you OK that we did not… “. She was
obviously still bothered about the “failed” attempt at anal sex.

What was going on there?

K. was worried that I was disappointed that she could not provide the
anal experience.

In which situations does the man have more power?

Of course, the latter.

From a power dynamic perspective, having your partner worry about
making you happy with good sex is more powerful than you giving
great sex.

Of course, this is not to say that you can’t have both.

Indeed learning to enjoy sex, learning to make sex a guilt-free
experience, and improving your sex skills are all very worthy pursuits.

The two examples above are at different extremes.

As a general rule, we can say that sex is another important piece of
the sexual market value.
As a standalone, good sex might otherwise not be enough to make
one an overall high value mate, but lack of good sex can be a big
drawback with mates who want and expect good sex.

Sex, Abuse, & Male Control

Some men, including dark triad men, seek to use sex as a way of
keeping women dependent and enslaved.

Sandra L. Brown who surveyed women who have been in

relationships with psychopaths share stories of men who purposefully
pushed the boundaries of sex, including kinky and perverse sexual
acts, as a way of increasing their control over women.
When he leads her to try new things, the bond increases and she
comes to see him as more (sexually) dominant -and most women like
more dominant men-.
Finally, some of the most perverse sexual acts, especially with
inexperienced and more conservative women, increase trauma
bonding and make it harder for women to leave even as they make
the relationship toxic.

It’s not uncommon for women in abusive relationships to say that they
can’t leave because the sex is too good.
But in reality, it’s rarely sex by itself that keeps women hooked to
abusive men.
Female dependence is linked to the perverse dynamics of domination,
enslavement, and masochism.

For example, the Italian actress Claudia Cardinale could not stop
going back to her rapist. She felt terrible about it, about herself, and
she hated him. But she kept going.
Trauma bonding.
Relationship researcher John Gottman says in “The Science of Trust”
that it was shocking to hear woman after woman (those are his explicit
words) say that the best sex they ever had was right after a beating
from their violent partner.

Some subset of male seduction advice seems designed to increase

trauma bonding.
I quote one of them:

Making her open her mouth and spitting in it, spitting on her face, baby
smacking her face, her tits, really throwing down on her ass leaving big red
handprints, making her tell you that’s your pussy, and on and on. That’s what
bonds her to you, that’s the Greater Alpha Male Long Game.

I’m not even saying you shouldn’t do it if you’re into it and she’s liking
it.
But it is abusive if you do it trying to control her.

Abuse can create trauma bonding even outside of sex and

relationship, see an example in this forum entry.
In a way, the judge role we discussed at length is a soft form of
trauma bonding.

But what type of women are more likely to become ensnared in toxic
relationships?
It can happen to anyone. But it’s more likely that it’s low self-
esteem combined with dominance and, sometimes, violence, that
keeps women hooked to abusive relationships.
And it’s also more likely to happen with lower SMV women.
And that’s why, albeit there are rare exceptions, abusive men get, on
average, rather low quality partners.
After all, what kind of emotionally healthy, high quality individual would
share her life with a batterer?

Sex, Abuse, & Female Control

Women of course also try to control men with sex.

Sex and continuous access to her sexuality by itself is enough to

function as a power control tool for most average-quality men, and sex
is an important part of relationship power dynamics.

When women manage to trap higher quality and high-resource men,

it’s often by leveraging a specific kink of his, a kink that he is not
sharing with this wife or other mistresses (could be masochism, a lust
for being dominated, putting up a fight for sex, etc. Etc.).
Jordan Belfort, pictured in “The Wolf of Wall Street” was one such
example:

https://youtu.be/QgegMjMxLvI

However, it’s not easy for women to count on this technique to work
reliably.
To begin with, it presupposes he has a hidden kink that he is not
sharing. And she should be able to provide it better than any other
woman, or at least add an emotional layer that no other woman can
match.

On the other hand, men who want to break free of that dependence
should find other women who can provide the same.
The best way to do it is to overcome the shame they link to their kink
so that other women can provide it too (did you get? We go back to
supply and demand: the “trick” is enlarging his supply so that he is
less dependent on one single “provider”).
Sometimes women control men by sheer leadership, social
dominance, and frame control.
You see it rarely in “normal” women and only in a few hookers.
Hookers who get good at their job need to control men, and a few of
them learn well.

Note on S&M
The type of positive sexual dominance we are discussing here comes
from leadership qualities and traits and not from the contract that S&M
is (ie: you dominate me because I enjoy it).

Even when we talked about pathological dominance and how

psychopaths use purposeful atypical sexual practices to control
women, it wasn’t about S&M.
S&M is more like a contract where both parties agree to play a certain
role. S&M is two adults consenting to the game as equals.
The power dynamics of sexual dominance instead requires that one
party leads and the other follows.

Unless the couple is into S&M, men who seek a leadership role in
their relationship shouldn’t search it within the surrogate of S&M.

It’s also possible that when otherwise non-dominant men engage in

S&M, women consider it a crutch for a lack of personal dominance
and as an outlet for personal frustrations.
And they lose some respect.
As a pharmacist Tinder date who engaged in S&M sex with the clinic’s
doctor once told me, he was “overcompensating”.

Speed to Sex & Courtship Dynamics

Speed to sex is one of the most discussed dating topics.
Much of women dating advice is built around “making him wait”.

Authors of women’s dating advice tell her to make him wait for sex
because, if he waits longer, he will perceive her as more caste and
trustworthy (Madonna).

And in the meanwhile, he will invest more and come to value her
more.

On the other hand, some dating advice for men says that the quicker
sex happens, the better it is for him and the more power he has.

In general, they’re both right.

Late sex helps her appear more Madonna-like and moves him into a
provider role, increasing his investment and increasing the chances of
his commitment.

And for him, early sex makes him appear more lover-like.

He gets more control and power while she is the one who has to work
harder for more investment and commitment.

As much as this rule of thumb applies to many situations, it’s also a

generalization.

The next chapters will clarify the effects that sex and speed to sex
have on a relationship and on the dynamics of power.

When Quick Sex Is Risky For Him

If he wants a relationship, quick sex might present some challenges
for him.
This is because speed to sex influences how she interprets sex.
Specifically, whether she perceives sex as meaningfully bonding or
just as a physical act.

For example, imagine sex as happening after the following scenarios:

1. the two ground on a dance floor without speaking;

2. they had 2 cocktails with lots of flirting and sex talk;
3. they did it on a long-haul flight where he challenged her to become
“high flyers club members”

In those cases, she is more likely to ascribe the sex to “a crazy

adventure”, “just sex” or “I was horny”.
She might not even think of pursuing a relationship after sex and
might not even want a relationship with him.

She might consider him a toy-boy or a crazy adventure and not the
guy she wants to get serious with. It’s also possible that she might feel
like a slut after sex and actively avoid him for reminding her of it (next
chapter).

I suspect it’s a minority of cases, but some women from more

conservative families, cultures, and background might also prefer to
get into relationships where the man sees her as a Madonna, while
avoiding relationships with men with whom her Madonna cover has
been blown.
In good part, that’s cognitive dissonance at work.

She wants to see herself like a Madonna, so she seeks people who
help her keep that image of herself.
And that’s why she might move on searching for another for
something serious.

In these cases, sex does not give him more power over her.
Slower sex instead is more likely to happen after the two have
developed a deeper connection.
In that case, she (more) consciously decided to go ahead with sex
because she liked him and would like to stick together after sex.

When Quick Sex Makes Her Detest Him: Buyer’s

Remorse
This is rarer, but it happens.

In some cases, not only she doesn’t want him as a boyfriend after
quick sex, but she might actually detest him and want to erase him
from her mind.

This is more likely to happen with religious women, inexperienced

women, more Pollyanna-romantic women, and more traditional
women.

I remember a woman uttering these words rather after we had sex:

Her: I feel like a bitch

We had very little time after, and I was partially successful in being
warm and kind enough to erase that feeling from her mind.

One of my first one-night stands after a drunken, debauched night out

also didn’t want to hear from me again. The only memory I had left of
her were two blood-stained hand-shapes against the wall from a
doggie style during her period that got really messy.
Then a walk of shame back to the center with little words and a
hangover.
I can understand why she wanted to ascribe that to a “crazy night” and
forget about it.
When a woman feels bad for quick sex indeed, she will come to link
you with her own feelings of guilt and, in the worst cases, disgust.

And she will want to remove you from her life.

Here is one example where I had easily predicted she was going to
ghost:

She was reading but never replied. And when I looked for this convo to post it here I realized she
blocked me. No surprise.

I remember after sex she covered her face and said “I am so

ashamed”.
We spent little time after and I couldn’t manage to change her mind.
Such a pity, Stories like these sadden me and feel like a stain on my
love history.
Back to us, anyway.

You must be extremely careful with these situations.

They can happen when you push a bit too much, and that’s why I
highlighted so much that pushing for sex is a grey area that should be
attempted only by those who have reached a good level of emotional
intelligence.

In the most extreme situations, women linking feelings of guilt to you

might also lead to false rape accusations.
Either as revenge for making her feel used, or because she actually
comes to believe it was forced sex (cognitive dissonance has been
shown to change people’s beliefs and it’s not so uncommon for
humans to make up false memories).

Fixing “Too Quick Sex”

If men are interested in a relationship after sex has happened quickly
and/or with little connection, I recommend they spend quality time
together after sex.

And then have sex again after you connected better.

I was able to turn around a girl who “wanted to go home” after quick
sex by insisting we’d cook together and eat and drink wine first.

And then she’d go home.

So I made pasta al pesto, joked around, we ate, we talked… And you

should have seen her big smile when I walked her back.
Those are the good stories I like :).

Had she gone home right away, she would have thought of our
experience, and me, with disgust.
What a difference the after sex can make!
Sometimes the difference between guilt and disgust and one of the
best days of her life is just in his emotional intelligence.

To sum it up:

If men and women want sex to be meaningful, it’s best to happen after
you develop a connection.

If you don’t have a connection before sex, you end up having sex and
you want to throw the basis for a possible relationship, you must do
your best to build a connection after -but this is not always possible or
easy-.

If you don’t care about sex being meaningful, you don’t need to worry
about this… Unless you pushed very hard for that sex, or she is
obviously feeling bad about it.
If that’s the case you still need to rebuild goodwill.

When Quick Is Good For Him

Quick sex is good for him in a number of ways.

One is that it robs her of the “Madonna who needs investment in

exchange for sex” game.

And as we previously said, that is mostly a win for both because it

makes the relationship more honest and equitable and it paves the
way for a more mutually supportive relationship.

The second reason why quick sex can be good for him is that it’s very
possible that she equates “speed to sex” to “sexiness” and “general
success with women”.
And if she enters a relationship with a man whom she considers sexy
and good at getting quick sex, that gives him more power to start with.

When he can get to sex quickly, and especially if he can make her
happy about it, he will face fewer challenges and fewer demands in
the beginning of the relationships.

Her demeanor will be more that of a submissive woman, and she will
accept his leadership more easily and in more aspects of life.

Of course, as we saw earlier, that’s not going to last forever.

If a woman is looking for commitment, resources, family and emotional
support, her demands will simply come with a delay.
If her demands go unmet for longer and longer, high quality women
who can get men and investment will eventually face him off with an
ultimatum: get serious or get lost. Some men are unprepared for the
day of reckoning, and it will hit them even harder.

Why Lovers Get More Resistance

Resistance to sex, sometimes referred to as “last minute resistance”
(LMR) is often not that high for providers and boyfriend candidates.

Why?

Because they have already gone through the wining and dining.

And possibly already made out and had some petting.

And by the time they get together the Madonna image has been built,
she has done her conscious decision, he (seems to have) proven
himself and… And when she’s ready to give the cookie the escalation
happens with little or no resistance whatsoever.
Basically, it’s been a conscious decision and the time has come now
to move to sex. There is little need for last-minute resistances (LTRs).

And what about the inseminator?

Sex with the sexy man can happen either very quickly (especially if he
made it clear he’s all about sex) and sometimes very hotly. If he did
his job well, then she is horny and sees him as someone that will not
judge and she can just enjoy sex.
But that’s the ideal scenario.
And it’s quite common for the lover to having to battle LMRs.

As we have previously seen, the resistance to sex with the sexy man
who moves quickly is often a screening tool to make sure that he is
indeed well versed in seduction.

Should Women Withhold Sex?

Another practical paragraph now.

Do women lose sexual market value by giving sex too early?

By now you will not be surprised to hear that the correct answer
cannot be a quick “yes” or “no”.
But we will make an easy, concentrated summary for the pros and
cons of each and for when to use which strategy:

Yes: The Transactional Perspective

From a cold, transactional point of view, giving something that is

valuable without getting something back might not be the best move.

From a bargaining point of view getting something in exchange for sex

is, on paper, a good move.
However, seeing relationships as pure transactions might not be the
right mindset for great relationships (empirically, not just out of
ethics!).

Yes: Keep a Madonna Image

Another advantage, and what most women instinctively go for, is to

delay sex to look more pious.

The idea is that if he believes that it takes time to bed her, she will
make for a safer partner to invest in (ie.: she won’t sleep around and
make him raise a child that is not his).

This makes a lot of sense as even most men who profess their open-
mindedness do unconsciously buy into the Madonna/whore
dichotomy.

No: it works less with high-quality men

When she withholds sex to get investment, she is communicating that

she is more valuable than he is.

His investment is a way of making up for the difference in value.

Inherently, withholding sex to make him invest is a strategy that

works best with men who are lower value than she is.
These guys indeed instinctively feel like they need to give and put up
with her demands in order to make up for the difference.

On the other hand, higher-quality men and men who are at her level or
above her level, might (instinctively) see the game and not be up to
playing it.
Playing this strategy well with higher quality men means hiding the
strategy itself and not making it look like she’s trying to gain the upper
hand.

In sum: this strategy might not be good with high-quality men.

Especially if she doesn’t know how to play it well.

No: it communicates no sexual chemistry

When there is a strong chemistry, sex tends to happen quicker.

Waiting around then sends a message that there is no strong sexual

chemistry and that she is not so into him.

Some men might be OK with that, but men who have experienced
sexual chemistry or who look for strong sexual chemistry will be put
off.

Indeed, as Ali Binazir says in The Tao of Dating, the ability to share a
guilt-free sexual experience is a strong asset in a woman.
I very much agree with it: often guilt-free and great early sex are a
stronger glue than making him wait and invest.

Depends: Numbers make all the difference

When there are more men than women, men become more romantic -
in the wider sense of the word-.

They come to expect longer wait for sex, and are much more happy
and willing to invest and commit before sex.
In environments with few women and lots of (high quality) men,
making him wait works well.
When there are more women than men though the culture leans more
strongly towards quick sex and women who make him wait are often
passed up for those who don’t.
Men come to expect shorter “waiting times”, and eventually some of
those “quicker sexes” do become relationships.

Game theory postulates that in those scenarios, making him wait is

less likely to work out for the best because more assertive daters are
more likely to get down to it and, eventually, to get into relationships.

To understand this concept, imagine dating with fewer men like a big
game of musical chairs: in the beginning, you don’t notice much the
difference.
But the more men pair up, the harder the dating market becomes.

The same logic applies when it comes to numbers of high-quality

mates instead of just the overall number of men because women want
men who are “better” than them.
That means that if there are lots of men but only a few of them make
for good mates this still qualifies as an under-supplied market.

We could argue that current Western societies have more high-quality

women than men.
As a rule of thumb, women in the “degree-holding” cohort are
better off dating a more actively and assertively.
That means fewer demands for investment and less waiting games.

Depends: it depends on the type of man

Whether she should make him wait for sex or not also depends a lot
on the type of man.

If he is a more backward, less psychologically and socially aware

man, then chances are that he also believes that “good” women make
men wait.
In those cases, she should definitely give him what he believes and
make him wait.

If he is a man who enjoys gilt free sex, wants sexual chemistry and
prefers his relationships to be natural and game-free, then she might
want to “go with the flow” and do as she pleases.

Summary: Should a woman have sex early?

If the man she’s dating has a strong Madonna/whore mindset she

should wait.
If there are lots of great men and few great women, waiting gives her
more power and might increase the likelihood of his commitment.

On the other hand, if he is a cool guy and they hit it off, connect well
and the mood leads them to quick sex, she should probably go along
with it (or she will look like she has an agenda).

Similarly, if there are few great men and lots of great women, more
assertive women often end up with great men more reliably than
women who try to increase their value with the waiting game.
In those cases, more assertive dating in the form of mutual
investment, more direct show of appreciation and good sex are more
likely to net her a great man.