3.

The Five Secrets to Relationship Control

There is a lot of misunderstanding on what confers power in a

relationship and how one can combine a leadership role with a
healthy, happy and fulfilling relationship for both.

As a matter of fact, I have never seen a good resource that combines

power with a happy relationship for both partners.

Well, let’s seek to fix that with this lesson.

#1. Settle Down With Those Who Like

You
It doesn’t matter how great you think you are.

Or how great others think you are.

If the person you settle down is “meh” towards you, you’ll always be
fighting an uphill battle in your relationship.
Either when it comes to leadership, power, or overall quality of the
relationship, you’ll struggle.

Feel free to chase the aloof onse as much as you want but, if you get
them, do not consider them for a relationship.

Instead, settle down with the ones who like you.

Ideally, both physically and intellectually.
 #2. Be High Quality & High SMV
Your personal value infers power in a relationship in three different
ways:

2.1. Options
Many dating manuals for both men and women discuss the
importance of “needing your partner less”.

Later we’ll see why this advice and mindset if taken literally, is
moronic.

However, in terms of power, there is a backdrop of truth and if we

intend “needing your partner less” as in “having lots of interests and,
most of all, other dating options”, then there is definitely some truth.

Power in dating and relationships indeed presents a certain element of

negotiation.
Fisher and Ury, the renowned authors of “Getting to Yes“, refer to
options as “BATNA” or “best alternatives to a negotiated agreement”.
It means that the more alternatives you have, the more power you
have.

Alternatives and options don’t have a straightforward relation to power

as they have in negotiation because relationships also entail feelings,
a history together, possibly children and, as well, love.
But they do matter.
Quite a bit.

Having options also make partners less afraid of calling out power
moves, disrespect and the bluffs of breakup threats.
The individual who is less afraid of losing the relationship, for
example, is also not afraid of:

Enforcing rules and boundaries

Saying “no” to unreasonable requests
Sending the partner packing and cutting contact until they can get
their act together
Addressing and extirpating any hint of abuse as soon as it appears

And, finally, there is a rather strong relationship between the person

who is less afraid of leaving the relationship and the person who
controls that relationship.

What Confers Options

The following elements help to confer options:

1. Life mission bigger than the relationship

2. Lots of dating options
3. Not afraid of being alone / enjoying alone time
4. Projects and passions you’re happy to dedicate more time to
5. Large social network to help weather the (possible) pain of a
breakup

As you can see, “options” is not just dating options, but generally, it’s
“options of having a happy l/ meaningful ife”.
Of course, for most people, dating options account for the lion’s share
of those options because few people have really strong life missions.

As for most things social, also notice that there can be a disconnect
between the power one portrays, the power one thinks the other has,
and the actual walk away power one has.

On average though, there is little “fake it until you make it” in long term
relationships as the two get to know each other better and better (and
I don’t recommend you become the person who lives a lie: it’s a sad
life).

2.2. (Ir)Replaceability
The higher value you are, the harder you are to replace.

Now don’t think that your partner is thinking “how hard would it be to
replace him/her” because most people don’t think that way…
Rationally.

But, subconsciously, we all do.

Summary:
The best thing you can do to have positive power in your relationship
is also the best thing you can do for yourself, for your partner and for
the world: be the best (wo)man you can be.

#3. Keep Improving & Increasing Your

SMV
As a species, humans often form pair-bondings between men and
women.

Yet, albeit monogamy can work and there are plenty of examples of
“together ever after”, there are also more examples of “not so happy
ever after”.

Indeed, both men and women -and men a bit more than women-, are
also “programmed” to keep an eye out at the sexual marketplace.
And if they see that they have plenty of options in the market, two
things tend to happen:

1. The partner with more options is more likely to split up

2. The partner with fewer options is more likely to “guard” the mate

Number two with an abusive man means more abusive and controlling
behavior.
With non-abusive partners, it means more power to the mate who
needs to be guarded.

To you, it means this: if you focus on improving, you will have more
leverage and power in the relationship.

Hopefully, if you want a relationship, you are not looking at self-

development to get more “power” in that relationship.
However, another consequence of increasing your SMV and working
on yourself is that your partner will also tend to like you and appreciate
you more.

So working on yourself is one of those things that you actually do for

both. And it benefits both.

Exceptions: Jealous & Fearful Partners

There are important exceptions to the rule of “more self-development
equals more love”.
These are the exceptions:

1. Partners with low self-esteem (you make them feel bad when you
develop)
2. Partners who see relationships as competition (you are “winning” if
you improve too much)
3. Partners who don’t feel safe, secure and loved (they will fear your
development)
When a partner has very low self-esteem sometimes changing can be
difficult. This is why it’s important to select a good partner who
matches you.
Building your partner up and remembering them while you chose them
and are happy with them can go a long way though.

In case of “competitive partners”, you either need to teach and school

them, more on it later, or if they are a lost cause, you need a better
partner.

And number three is almost wholly up to you.

If you want a relationship, it’s also your duty to make your partner feel
loved, cherished and cared for. Otherwise, be a real (wo)man, and
enjoy the single life.

#4. Active Care and Love

Most dating literature tells both men and women that to “get the guy”
or to “get the woman”, you must show you don’t need her.

Albeit there is some shade of truth in that mindset, it’s also wrong
without putting it into a greater strategy.
And it’s especially wrong when it comes to relationships.

If you take one thing away from this module, is this:

Loving and supporting your partner is a tremendous source of power

Just think about it: who is harder to replace and who are you going to
miss the most?
That awesome guy/gal who supports you and makes you smile, or
that awesome guy/gal who is never there when you need because
they got so many higher priorities?
Just think about it: who would want to stay in a relationship in which
they are a low priority?
Most of the times it’s not going to be high quality partners.

The only partners who would want to stay with someone who provides
no support whatsoever are partners who feel like they are getting a far
higher quality partner and they cannot demand anything from their
partners.
If you are the higher quality partner, you probably want better. And if
you are the one who doesn’t believe in himself, you might want to
reconsider how you set up your relationship and how you look at
yourself.

I can tell you that when I needed help and support from my ex-
girlfriend and I realized she wasn’t there… That’s also when I realized
I wasn’t going to be in that relationship for much longer.
And I can also tell you that the partners we miss the most are not just
those whom we loved the most but, in great part, those who
loved us the most.

And that’s, in part, the reason why an effective technique for women to
ensnare even short-term minded men is to provide unconditional love.

Sure, there are a few entitled people who think they deserve that love,
no matter what.
And sometimes you might need to remind a few people of how
important you are by withdrawing for some time.

But the general rule stays the same: the better you can support your
partner, the more important you become, and the more irreplaceable
you become.

Exception: Helping
There are important exceptions to this rule.
And it’s when your help and support helps them to become higher
value than you are. Then, you risk that they will come to see you as a
ballast and leave you for someone else.

Here is a meme for you to understand this concept:

The risk, of course, is much higher if they never loved you in the first
place -again, we see another reason for settling down with those who
like you and with whom you get along well-.

So if you want to be Machiavellian about it, provide love and support

as long as that love and support does not lead them to a place where
they above you, and won’t you need anymore.

Exceptions apply to this exception and some partners will stay with
you and help you to move up in what becomes a mutually reinforcing
cycle.
But it’s a risk.
I’d advise you to risk it, though: play life to win, not to avoid losing.
 #5. Be A Leader, Beacon of Safety or
Father Figure
Finally, real, healthy and long-lasting power is rooted in leadership.

If you’re the man, there is nothing healthier, more loving and more
powerful than being a good, benevolent leader of that relationship.

If you’re a bit older, or wiser, or somewhat more life-experienced, then

it’s also great to be a father figure.
Super powerful.

Father figures are calmer, they listen more, they dispense good advice
and wisdom and they calm her down and make her feel there is
nothing to fear and everything will be OK.
Immensely powerful.

This is when men, together with the mindset, can also include some of
the “babying behavior” that we saw in the signs of dominance lesson.

Women & (Supportive) Leadership

For women, this is admittedly a bit trickier.

We have already mentioned that relationships with the woman in

charge tend to last longer.
But what to do if she is not the leader, or doesn’t want to be?

Well, then there are three options that work:

1. The “mother figure”
2. The “full support” girlfriend
3. The “tell him how to lead”

If they get into a “mother” role, that would mean to smother men with
unconditional love. Just like a mother would do with his child.
This is a technique Robert Greene talks about in his The Art of
Seduction and it’s also very effective in taming long term philanderers,
who will always go back to her.

I wouldn’t advise women to go down that road unless they really want
or unless they want to specifically tie down a powerful but internally
broken, emotionally weak type of man.

However, I do like the second option a lot, especially with highly driven
men.
Many highly driven men who work hard love to get back home and
find a supportive, loving partner. Some of these men even need that
loving support.
Which is why you see some powerful men who rarely or never cheat,
or who through great lengths to keep their relationship after they have
been caught with their pants down (see Tiger Woods, for example).
Some of these men are driven by a dark side, and the woman serves
as their safe harbor.

The third option reflects what actually happens in researches where a

low-dominance man was paired up with a high-dominance woman.
From the outside, it looked like men took the leadership position most
of the time. So the researchers thought that low-dominance men were
forcing themselves to be more dominant and leader-like.
But when researchers analyzed the conversation, it turned that 91% of
the time it was the women who told the man to get into the leadership
position.
So, directing or telling your man what to do can be a good middle
ground between being totally in the lead, and letting him lead.
 Bad Ways of Keeping Power
Now let’s review the popular dating advice applied to relationships.

The advice below has some truths, of course.

But, taken by themselves, they are not fully correct and, sometimes,
even counterproductive.

When they work, they tend to work with lower quality individuals.
And they work more in a darker, abusive way, which leads to toxic
relationships. And remember this: toxic relationships are toxic for both
partners, so you don’t win either.

Here are the bad pieces of advice:

#1. Need Her (/Him) Less

90% dating advice is based on this concept.

Some of the most popular titles such as “Men Love Bitches” and “The
Power of The Pussy” all recommend this to women.
And manosphere authors, of course, do the same.

Needing your partner less is an inherently low-quality approach to

relationship.
On the surface, it’s the equivalent of “have options”, but it comes from
a defensive and fearful mindset.

While “having options” focuses you on becoming a better person who

has chosen your partner and works on himself/herself, “needing your
partner less” does the opposite.
It puts you in the mindset that you are together because that’s all you
could get, and now you must work against the relationship to make
yourself independent.

If you must “need her less”, than stay single and look for casual sex.

#2. Never Show You’Re Fully Hers/His

Here is another common advice that paves the way to an abusive
relationship.

The idea here is to never fully commit and to instead keep your
partner guessing about your true intentions.

Again, this “works” in giving you some sort of short-term power, but
this is also exactly how abusive relationships work.
Working on developing yourself also can instill fear in your partner,
which why above I recommend you sterilize it by making your partner
feel that you have chosen them for a reason.

This doesn’t mean of course you must always and necessarily stay
together.
But that, as long as you are, it makes sense to make the most of it.

#3. Anything Based On Fear, Manipulation &

Power Moves
Here is a rule of thumb:

If it’s based on short-term patches and power moves, it’s usually bad
for the long-term.
Short term power moves might have a strategic place in dating but
they’re toxic when repeated in long term relationships.

What are the short term power moves?

Things such as:

1. Make him/her jealous with triangulation

2. Always invest less
3. Don’t meet his/her needs
4. Lower his/her self-esteem

Etc. etc.
As a rule of thumb, authors who advise on dating tend to give poor
relationship advice.

More Relationship Power Dynamics

What we discussed so far are the basics and all you need to know.

For a better theoretical understanding of power and relationships, you

can keep reading.

Options Make Our Partners Happy

Check again the list of what confers options:

1. Life mission bigger than the relationship

2. Lots of dating options
3. Not afraid of being alone / enjoying alone time
4. Projects and passions you’re happy to dedicate more time to
5. Large social network to help weather the (possible) pain
Those are also the signs of high quality, powerful men.
As we have already seen, women want and appreciate strength,
power, dominance and men who have more dating options.
Walkaway power communicates all of them with his actions -without
even opening his mouth-.

And here is the relationship-catch: if men have options but don’t use
those options to threaten the relationship and instead keep building
her up, options are an immense compliment to her.

It says that he is with her out of choice, not because he can’t get
anything else.
And he keeps staying with her because he keeps choosing her. And
that’s a potent aphrodisiac for her.

At the same time that she is afraid of losing him, she is also over the
moon that she chose him.

Hence, here is the final conundrum:

To run the best possible relationship, he must act like he is able to end it (if
she acts out)

As a final note here: being able to end it must be implied and it must
only shine through when she is misbehaving.
Bragging or making her feel constantly insecure is a very weak
behavior that makes for terrible relationships.

Never Brag About Options!!

Remember: powerful men don’t need to say they’re powerful.

Good walkaway power is a consequence of who you are, not a

game plan or something you communicate or try to communicate
under the radar.
The high-quality man doesn’t brag, flaunt his options or threaten her
with them. If anything, he actually denies them.

And there is a demonic power in denying allegations of other people

being attracted to you when your partner thinks they’re true.

Her: Can’t you she she’s always flirting with you?

You: And what should I do about it. She’s just a friend for me. That’s all

And there she grows even more jealous.

Walkaway Power And Genders

You might have noticed I have mostly used the pronoun “he” when
referring to walk away power.

It’s because walk away is more important for men. As we have seen,
men are the ones who gain more for philandering and women can fare
very well pairing up to a high-quality man.

That’s why walk away power is more important on the man’s side than
on her side.

Men should never mention other options, we already said that.

And women even less so, since it bothers men even more so than it
bothers women.

Value & Power: An Assessment We All Do

Partners seldom get into a relationship thinking “I’m higher value, I got
more power”.

Yet, it’s an assessment they both make.

They both have an idea of their value in the sexual marketplace and
they both think of what they can realistically get.
Then they assess their partner’s value compared to their own.

If one thinks their partner is higher value than they are, they will be
more invested in keeping the relationship.
If they think their partner is higher value and they won’t be able to get
anything nearly as good, they will be even more invested in the
relationship.