3.

De-escalation Techniques & Handling Violent Behavior

Here I would like to introduce a few different alternatives to dealing

with direct threats of aggression.

These alternatives allow you to de-escalate without matching your

opponent’s aggression.

1. Change Frame From Aggressive to Amiable

William Ury in his book “The Power of a Positive No” shares the story
of an inmate, Chapman.

Chapman says that in prison scared and angry young men try to show
off how tough they are by shoving people off the sidewalk.
Usually, most people see such situations with two alternatives only:
back off or attack.

Chapman instead, in an enlightened moment, saw a different

alternative.
He stepped off the sidewalk, touched the man’s elbow and said: “how
is it going”.

Chapman says that he didn’t back off, but engaged him at a different
level. He had told him, in a language they both understood, that he
had no need for violence, aggression, and useless prison games. In
Chapman’s words, he communicated that ‘he had no need of an
enemy.’

In Ury’s words, Chapman had said “no” to the offensive challenge and
“yes” to the person.
2. Look Beyond The Aggression & Address the Roots
Looking beyond the complaint is Gottman’s expression (you will read
more in the bonus ebook)

It consists of looking beyond the drama and anger of a partner to deal

straight with the cause instead.
Aggression can be the same.

Sometimes you can move past aggression by looking at the pain

beneath the surface.
Sometimes aggression is motivated by frustration, loneliness and,
generally, by existential pain.

Escalating the aggression can thus be a huge -and harmful- failure to

communicate.
Instead, you can defuse a dangerous situation and improve this world
by going beyond aggression and touch another human being.

If you are familiar with the story of the American expat training Akido
and the violent drunk man on a Japanese train, that’s the perfect
example of looking beyond the aggression.

In a nutshell, while a young man was planning of fighting the drunk, an

old man engaged him beyond the aggression through questions,
relating and listening.
The old man moved the violent drunk from a dangerous man to a man
crying in his lap.

You can read the whole story here.

This is also the technique that hostage negotiators use.

Thanks to the negotiator’s listening and relating skills the hostages
come to see them as friendly forces (on top of powerful ones for
having most of the leverage).
3. Take Control By Shaming Them
Violence is frowned upon in our society and many violent individuals
would rather deny their violent ways.

Don’t get this wrong, the “violence for violence’s” pleasure of The
Clockwork Orange does exist, but it’s not the most common type of
violence.

The idea of this technique then is to leverage the aggressor’s own

morals and internal shaming mechanisms.
You take a judge role at a mental level in the hope they will follow your
lead and give up the physical level they were engaging you in.

It requires however strong communication skills and a calm, confident

external demeanor. You go from victim to judge and leader, and that
requires a rock solid frame.

4. Ignore The Power Differential

Victims of threats sometimes face an obvious power imbalance.

Most people in these situations act submissive and with their behavior
they communicate that, indeed, they are at the aggressors’ mercy.

This is when failing to even entertain the power differential can give
you the leadership of the exchange and make you look powerful,
confident as hell and larger than life.

One such example is from the movie La Haine:

https://youtu.be/sOHp_UV77zY
Most people sharing the bathroom with three hoodlums talking about
guns and “pigs” would either not come out of the stall or come out with
an extremely submissive body language.
And that communicates: “you guys got the power… Please be nice to
me”, relinquishing all the power.
Behaving like you had not a worry in the world instead can be so
obviously in-congruent that it breaks pattern, leaves people wondering
what the hell you’re up to and, more often than not, allows you to
leave the scene as the most powerful man of the situation.

5. Control The Frame: And Frame It Friendly

A similar technique is to frame the situation as friendly before the
potential aggressors can frame it as dangerous.

If you’re in a bad part of town for example and in your path there is a
gang of dangerous-looking men who are about to approach you, what
could you do to frame the situation in a friendly manner without
looking like you’re trying to win them over (this is a bad example of
trying to win them over)?

You can speak first and ask them for direction, for example.

Or, if you want to increase your chances, you might ask for directions
to the church.
Many hoodlums are also somewhat believers and by reminding them
of religion and morals, you increase the chances that your friendly
frame can prevail.

Of course, this will not always work, but life is about odds.
And this technique can increase your odds.
If they were about to engage you, you had nothing to lose anyway.
6. Choose What to Reply To
Sometimes you will receive mixed messages, or two different types of
communication within the same

Aggressor: Dude, your car is blocking my driveway, move the fuck out right
now or I’m gonna come there and kick your ass

Most people who are not trained at avoiding escalation here will focus
on the most emotional bit: the threat.
But if you can manage to remain calm, you can instead focus on the
first part of the conversation: the problem. In this case, a problem with
an easy solution, too.

You could instead reply:

You: Hey man, is this your driveway? Sorry I wasn’t even thinking I was
blocking the way. Do you need to get out now?

You can “force” this technique even when there seem to be no

positive message at all.
Take this example here:
My reply underlines that he’s bein a jackass, but fails to take him
seriously enough to warrant an escalation.

BTW, online forums and YouTube are perfect for trying out de-
escalation techniques: people often show their worst sides online and
there is no fear or social pressure to keep them in check.

7. Ignore the Threat: Keep on Walking

Sometimes a bully is clearly looking for troubles.
Most of them still don’t wanna fight and would rather just look “badass”
without
But they will ready almost any sign like an affront to their power, and
like they have to attack to maintain their status in their tribe/gang.

These are the situations where you want to avoid engaging them.
This video is a great example: the first guy does it right, the second
does it all wrong:

https://youtu.be/-tOBOY-Pb4A

This is also a good technique for when you’re not sure

someone might be a potential threat.
Many assaults start by asking what time it is, or for directions.
If you are not sure and it’s night and you’re walking alone, don’t err on
the side of “being nice” but err on the side of safety.

Ignoring the person or answering while you keep walking is a simple

yet often very effective technique or foiling an attempted robbery.

8. Choose humiliation over brawl

I know, I know, that title already does not make you want to even
consider this one.

And I’d also like to see every single bully get his comeuppance.
But sometimes you just can’t, and your ego might be the only thing
standing in between safety and troubles.

Remember that some of our traits have become maladaptive.

Humiliation and shame are two such traits.

Humiliation and shame likely developed back when it made sense to

react to all provocations because we always lived around the same
people, and our status with them mattered a great deal to our general
life success.

But today, in big cities and with people changing social circles all the
time, defending our “honor” by answering to provocations makes little
sense.

Unluckily, it means that the bully will get it his way. And that’s also
somewhat antisocial as a functioning society partially rests on people
punishing bad behavior.
But sometimes, you just can’t.
And in those times, remember that “honor” means nothing in the
greater scheme of things.

You can also choose this option if you plan to retaliate in the future.
Let them win today when they are stronger, until you can get back to
them when you will be stronger.

9. Give them the feeling of power

Sometimes a bully craves the feeling of power.

If you want to avoid a fight, or if they armed, the best thing you can do
might be to let them feel strong and to simply comply.

This is an example of an attacker who craved power and of a victim

who did well to understand that, keep her cool, and comply:

https://youtu.be/odCIg9k-E1A

10. Give them power over you + Shaming

In this scene Claudia Cardinale gives the attacker power of her when
she says “sure, you could have me easy”.
And the adds the shaming part: if he goes ahead, he will be a filthy
rapist who’s given her “just another filthy memory”.

https://youtu.be/3MgS9QlB7fM

This technique works when the attacker has some morals and/or he
cares about the opinion of the potential victim.
If one of the two is in place, then it can be very effective in staving off
violence and even gaining control of the interaction and taking judge
powers.

Psychology of Violence & Social

Retards
Many violent individuals are violent because they cannot read social
cues.

Several experiments showed that batterers and violent men see

threats and aggression where most people would see none.

The majority of bar fights, stabbing and deaths have no clear

aggressor. They are simply the consequence of continuous
escalations.
One person badly reads a social cue, the other one doesn’t want to
back down not to “lose face”, and they both push each other into a
vicious circle ending in violence.

That is why it’s important that you avoid taking up all the escalations
thrown at you. Many aggressive individuals are just social idiots who
misread the signs.
To you, that means that you can easily de-escalate many tense
situations by simply seeking an understanding.
Talking it out and seeking to explain that you meant no disrespect will
solve many tense situations without even losing face.

Remember: it only takes one to wise up and save the day.

Be that leader.

Fixing School Bullying

If you’re in school and dealing with a physical bully, the techniques
above might work.
Or they might not.

I am not recommending you get physical, but it’s something you can
consider.
You don’t need to win.
Often being willing to get down to it is all you need to stop bullying.

Yes, even if you get beaten (example from Michael Ovitz on Impact
Theory):

https://youtu.be/SPkCj1TK4fg

Basically what he is saying is that by simply getting into the fight, the
bullying stopped.

But I need to raise two red flags here: from a sociological point of
view, be careful with physical altercations if the bullies are in a
group: it’s possible that if you strike the leader quickly and resolutely
you solve it.
But it’s also possible that the whole will gang up on you.
And group dynamics of physical aggression can get perversely
dangerous with a vicious circle of mutual-reinforcement.

The second red flag is that fighting will not automatically end
bullying.
That is a common cliche’, but it’s just that: a cliche’.
Social pariahs who fight bullies are more likely to get ganged up on
and the fights only drag over time.

The effective way of solving bullying is with a combination of

making it difficult for the bullies to harass -which might also
include fighting back- and by improving your social skills and
social network.
Bullies pick on the weak, the socially isolated, the socially awkward
and the “different” ones. To end bullying, you need to solve as many
of those issues as possible. Get good socially, get a good social
network, be “less different”, be cooler, and fight back more effectively.

You might not like socializing at school or you might not be good at it,
but it’s crucial to end bullying.

COMPLETE