Vulnerability: How to Do It Right (& When to Avoid)

thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/vulnerability-how-to-do-it-right-when-to-avoid

Vulnerability has become a mantra of self-development.

Being vulnerable, “showing our true selves” and “removing our masks” are sometimes
presented as the new signs of strength.

But is it true?

Will it make you stronger, more successful, and more socially powerful?
And will it make you a better leader?

This lesson answers these questions.

What’s Vulnerability
Brene Brown, defines it as:

Vulnerability is the courage of showing up and being yourself, without a mask, and with all
your flaws.

If it still sounds fuzzy, it’s because it is fuzzy :).

Let’s see some examples of vulnerability to gain more clarity:

– Talking about your weaknesses

– Speaking of what embarrasses you
– Sharing an unpopular opinion
– Standing up for yourself

And so far, so good.

And vulnerability is also:

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– Confessing your love
– Crying in front of people
– Asking forgiveness

Basically, we experience vulnerability any time we put our ego on the line and risk getting
hurt. When we risk embarrassment, public criticism and, the big one, when we
risk shame.

Vulnerability takes courage.

Sometimes lots of courage. And people admire the courage of vulnerability.
That’s what the vulnerability pundits say, at least. And well, they’re (often) right.

So… Should you be vulnerable?

In my opinion, as a rule of thumb, you should be as vulnerable as you can, and always
vulnerable as long as you don’t lose power.

Why?

Because this is the rule of thumb:

The more vulnerable you are, the more authentic the relationship.

And the opposite:

The less vulnerable you are, the more inauthentic the relationship.

We have seen that you can use vulnerability against microaggressions and as a tool for
frame control and to shame people into better behavior.

But don’t jump on the vulnerability bandwagon just yet.

The caveat of “be vulnerable as long as you don’t lose power” is an important one because,
in many cases, vulnerability can cause you to lose power and status.

The Drawbacks of Vulnerability

Vulnerability won’t always make you stronger, more admired, or a better leader.

There are several disadvantages to vulnerability.

The obvious one being, guess what?

The show of weakness.

Take these two rules of thumbs:

1. For men, when you’re not sure whether to be vulnerable or not, it’s safer
not to be

The reason is strategic.

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The upsides of vulnerability at the right time are big.
But downsides of too much vulnerability at the wrong time are even bigger.
So if you’re afraid that too much vulnerability can make you come across as weak or
pathetic, skip it.

2. Is vulnerability about mission-critical traits and life effectiveness? If so,

avoid it

It’s safe to say you’re afraid of doing bungee jumping because it does not impact your life
effectiveness.
But it’s best to avoid saying you’re afraid your competitor will put you out of business if
you’re trying to turn around your organization.

The former is not mission critical vulnerability.

The latter is.

And when that weakness is “too much”, critical, or not shown and perceived against the
backdrop of a stronger, powerful frame… Then you move away from “admirable
vulnerability” and you inch closer to “pathetic weakness”.

There is a thin line between vulnerability and pathetic weakness

I show you now a few examples of vulnerability done wrong.

1. No As A Manager / Task Giver

It’s an uncomfortable truth, but:

Being a good leader, sometimes, means keeping your weaknesses to yourself.

The rule of thumb is that if you are fighting against your weaknesses and keeping them
under control, then they can be turned into a strength.

But if the weakness makes you too insecure, then that type of emotional vulnerability is
better not to be shared, as a leader.

In this scene from “Smokin’ Aces” Bateman, the man in the hotel room, is supposedly the
leader.
But by sharing all his vulnerable insecurities he manages to comes across so insecure that
he becomes slimy:

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Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/w6RItV0ZDgI

Vulnerable leader: I’m pretty much a pantywaist. I don’t say this to be self-deprecating.
I don’t have much of an opinion of myself. I’d much rather be like you guys. Dog-pile of
piss-poor physique on top of a small cock and hereditary alcoholism

This is a terrible way of being vulnerable and it shows huge insecurities. It’s because he
says too much and at the wrong time. They have just met, and that’s not the time to be
vulnerable.
But there is another issue here I want to discuss which makes this vulnerability
particularly bad: he is the man in charge there.
And leaders have much less room for being vulnerable.

When it comes to leadership and leading people this is the general rule: people in
leadership position don’t have the luxury of vulnerability in front of those
whom they lead.

Now there are a few exceptions, but the harsh truth of leading people is that, most of the
times, you need to keep your personal worries and weaknesses to yourself.

When you share your full self with your subordinates, at best, they will think you’re at the
same level as they are.
And albeit you want to be similar to those you lead, you are not at the same level as they
are.
Especially not if you’re manager. You are the boss, and the one giving them tasks.

2. No In Results-Based Organizations
So you can’t be too vulnerable as the leader.
Maybe you can be vulnerable with your superiors?

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Well, a little bit more… Maybe.
But still, not so fast.

In any results-based businesses too much vulnerability gets you easily labeled as a softy or
a cry baby.
Look at this example from Platoon:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/RTVPcr4YgJA

Red: (looks like he’s about to cry, with a begging attitude) Bob, I gotta bad feeling… (high-
pitched voice) I don’t think I’m gonna make it outta here.. You understand what I’m saying
to you?

You can bet he lost much of his boss’s respect when he showed his vulnerable, scared side.

It might not be a coincidence that Brene Brown is a humanistic researcher at university.

She probably wouldn’t have extolled all the power of vulnerability had she worked in a
more cut-throat business.

3. No Upon first Meeting Someone

Anything you do during the first phases of getting to know someone will have outsized
consequences?

Why?

Because people naturally tend to extrapolate information and generalize it to your whole
persona.
And when you share your weakness right at the beginning, people will be wondering
“gosh, what else is he hiding?”.

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Even just a 20 seconds “opening up” about the hardship of life in the first 2 minutes of
conversation will have people unconsciously slap a negative label on you.

In short, this is the general rule: vulnerability during introductions and early
socialization is a big no-no.

4. No If Your Role Is Based on Courage / Professionalism

Some roles do not and cannot accept vulnerability in themselves and in others.

High in competence professions like doctors or external consultants can lose authority
when too vulnerable.
Charismatic leaders during uncertain also need to show unwavering conviction
And army officers also should avoid vulnerability.

Showing vulnerability when you have one of these roles or when you are interacting with
one of these roles will almost automatically harm your status.

Here is a good example of vulnerability shown to an individual in an invulnerable role

from the movie “Paths of Glory”:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/ngPNacPzR1o

Officer 1: (crouches on the floor, crying and sobbing)

Officer 2: (trying to preserve officer’s 1 status and reputation) Act like a man. There will be
a lot of dignitaries, newspapermen out there. How do you want to be remembered?

His moment of vulnerability is understandable. But he is among people who have

“invulnerable” roles. And his vulnerability made him lose social points (well, not that he
had to care much while marching towards his execution, but still.. ).

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Please note, this doesn’t mean of course that people in invulnerable roles are actually
invulnerable or “stronger”.
They are just as strong -or as weak- as anybody else.
It simply means that the expectation in those environments is that you need to hide your
vulnerability. And people who don’t hide their vulnerability lose all their social
status in those roles and organizations.
And if you want to move ahead in those organizations, you gotta play the “hide your
vulnerability game”.

Vulnerability & Seduction

Brene Brown in “Daring Greatly” shares an interesting story.

It’s the story of a young fella who tried to embrace her vulnerable advice.
After dating several months with a woman, this is what happened (the dialogue is my own
making from the story):

Him: I love you

Her: You’re awesome, but maybe we should start seeing other people

The young fella went back to his dorm and told the story to his roommates. This is what
happened (dialogue is mine adapted from the story):

Roommate 1: What were you thinking man

Roommate 2: Women only like men who run the other way
Him: I was daring greatly
Roommates: (nodding) Right on dude

Brene goes on saying that (I paraphrase for brevity):

Vulnerability is not about winning or losing. It’s about courage. Vulnerability is subversive
and uncomfortable. Even dangerous at times.

However, The Power Moves is here to say that sometimes vulnerability, in the wrong
situation, is not daring but is counterproductive and boneheaded (I wrote “plain stupid”
in the first draft).
Being too upfront in dating can be one of these situations.

Vulnerability might not be about winning or losing.

But if you also want to win from time to time, then you would be well served to learn when
vulnerability is not the most effective alternative.

There was a video example of dating vulnerability done wrong, from Dating in The Dark.
The video has been removed, but this was the key passage:

Guy: Well, I’ve never had a woman before, and that’s why I am here, to find one
(some awkward pause)
Girl: Oh, that’s cute

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I admire the guy.
And I respect him.
But that honesty is not working in his favor.

He didn’t need to say that he has never had a girl.

That might lead some women to want to take care of him and make him their baby-lover.
But it’s a minority of women and you need to have lots of other qualities.

And if you don’t have them or don’t want to be a “babied lover”, then don’t spill too many
of these beans. Because that’s the type of beans that lower your social status, your social
power and your overall attractiveness.

Vulnerability & Relationships

A few relationships authors advise couples to opening up about their struggles and
insecurities.

As much as I believe in supportive and loving relationships and as much as I love and
appreciate honesty, sadly I don’t think you can always be open about everything and
anything.
At least not without some consequences. And not without losing power, status and,
potentially, attraction.

Please note that losing power, status, and attraction, are also bad for the relationship, not
just for you.

So vulnerability done wrong is lose-lose.

Let’s see some examples.

Example of Bad Relationship Vulnerability

Here are some examples that I paraphrase from a relationship book.

It’s a couple fighting because of his jealousy.

Here is the dialogue the author suggests:

Him: This is not easy to talk about, but I want to try. I know it’s not cool and I don’t know
what’s wrong with me but I was feeling some jealousy tonight. You and Matt, you seemed
quit close. Both intellectually and physically. I felt hurt and lonely.
You know, I have been getting chubbier lately, developing a paunch. I need some
reassurance. Do you still find me attractive?
I would love it if you’d look at me the way you looked at Matt.

This was an otherwise great, high-quality book.

And still, the author failed on basic understanding of dating psychology. The author says
that such vulnerability would improve the relationship and even make him stronger.

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I couldn’t disagree more.

That’s a great example of bad vulnerability. This is not about momentary weakness. This
is deep insecurity and nonexistent self-esteem, which is a big turnoff.
The relationship wouldn’t be stronger. Her respect for him would tank and the
relationship would weaken.

If he wanted to share his jealousy, it would be OK, but I would do it like this:

Him: Hey, I need to talk to you about something. The way you were talking and joking with
Matt, that felt like flirting to me.
I didn’t like it and it made uncomfortable.

He might have even shared that “it hurt him”, that might be OK, albeit depending on the
relationship they have, he might still lose some value (depending on whether he’s the
leader or not).

But all that part where “he needed reassurance”, that’s the equivalent of asking her “baby
me please”.
And some relationships can work that way. But it’s more relationships of equals -or her
above him-.
Not relationships where the woman admires him and thinks the world of him, and not the
relationships where she feels like she married the best possible catch.
Not those.

Sometimes vulnerability only gets you babied!

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And here is another example of doing vulnerability all wrong, from a female perspective:

Her: After the birth of our child I can’t seem to get in shape anymore. I have been 15 kg
heavier and I can’t manage to shed it anymore. Those tiramisu cups are too good for me to
give up.
And worse of all… You don’t seem to look at me like you used to.
I’m feeling ugly and unattractive. Even at work, my colleagues are not flirting with me
anymore. Not that I care about that, but it’s another signal that I am not as attractive.
Can you hold me please?

There is nothing wrong with her sharing her need to be held. Quite the opposite.

Sharing worries about her weight, that depends on what personality her partner is,
especially after she adds that “she can’t manage to shed it and those tiramisu caps are too
good”. Men tend to be stricter than women, and especially driven men.
My first reaction there would be to ask “how hard have you really tried”.

And adding that other men find her less attractive is completely unnecessary.

Vulnerability in Relationship Examples

Here is an example of vulnerability done wrong in a relationship:

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/ooH5Nbibyhc

He ends up losing the leadership of the relationship. Yes, he did lose a lot of status and a
lot of power, and yes she will respect him less.

Same woman, a different way of expressing vulnerability. This is an example where he

might actually gain some point:

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Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/hErjmTku-AI

Aleksandr looks much more masculine in his vulnerability.

He is in a time of crisis, but he doesn’t show low self-esteem by calling himself a “big fat
fucking loser”.
Instead, he is the kind of successful man, with more success potential in the tank, going
through a tough, high-pressure time.
That’s the type of men women want to help because they’re likely to deliver once back on
their feet (the wounded hero and the Byronic man).

Vulnerability, Gender, and Types of Relationships

Not all relationships are equal and some relationships can live with more vulnerability
with less repercussions.

As a general rule: the subordinate / down in power in the relationship has more
latitude for vulnerability.
If the man is not the leader of the relationship, he is allowed lots of vulnerability.

And if it’s the man who is the leader, then female vulnerability can be endearing
and attractive and make him want her even more.

There are also different types of relationships.

There are relationships with more clearly defined leaders and relationships of equals
where the two are more like good intimate friends.

In those relationships of equal vulnerability is more welcomed and can bring the two of
them closer in a mutual understanding of mutual caring.

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Vulnerability is particularly impactful on the dynamics of power when the man is the clear
leader, when she looks up to him and when he crashes with a huge vulnerability that
borders on the pathetic.
It’s in those cases, like anyone else who’s following a leader would do, that she would
reassess if he is whom she thought he was and if he still fit to lead her.

Of course, the answer to her question can be a big “yes” and his vulnerability, depending
on the type of vulnerability, might even make him more human and more relatable and
confirm him even more strongly in the leadership role. But not so if the vulnerability is a
too big display of weakness.

Why People Get Vulnerability Wrong

People who market vulnerability as the cure to relationships and the best way to present
ourselves to the world make a common mistake.

And the mistake they all commit is to blame society -our competitive society in particular-
for forcing people to hide their weaknesses.
But if we can be ourselves, they say, we will show everyone it’s possible to be ourselves
and be loved.

Competitiveness does play a role indeed, but discounting our human nature is a failure to
understanding our nature.
The truth is, there is also a lot to gain from hiding our vulnerability.
And it’s because there is much to gain in hiding weaknesses that hiding weaknesses is the
default setting for most people.

Just think about, in a world where everyone is good at hiding vulnerabilities, the person
who admits too much vulnerability will naturally look weaker and dumber and,
comparatively, less attractive.
On the other hand, in a world where nobody manages to hide their vulnerability, the first
human being who managed to hide theirs, would look comparatively stronger, brighter
and more secure.
A real catch.

Hiding vulnerabilities indeed can also help people secure a mate better than they actually
are. And that’s the exact reason why people hide weaknesses.
Instead, showing too much vulnerability without being able to also market one’s good
qualities can lead to a worse life and to comparatively worse partner.

And that’s what the peddlers of vulnerability fail to warn people about: vulnerability can
be damaging when misused.

When Vulnerability Works

There are situations where vulnerability can make you more relatable, improve your
relationships and even make you look stronger and sexier.

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Here are some examples:

1. Admitting fear when everyone else has the same fear

When everyone else has the same fear, admitting it first actually makes you more leader-
like.

I remember once sitting around a table when the book topic of “Games People Play” came
up. I said right away that I had to go through it so slowly because it was “way too F
complex”.
People burst out in laughter and one guy admitted “man, I’m glad you said that, it was the
same for me”.
If nobody had shared the uncomfortable truth, we’d all been left with a big lie and failed
to really connect.

2. When you’re high-power, a weakness makes you more relatable

Research shows that when people who seem “too good” make a mistake or show
vulnerability, they become much more likable (Johnny Depp does it)

This goes back to the example above on jealousy.

Women appreciate displays of jealousy if you are an otherwise relatively secure, relatively
fit, relatively well off man. Some women actually seek and want displays of jealousy.
On the other hand, the worse you are compared to your partner, the more vulnerability is
likely to damage you because your partner will unconsciously think “I can do better than
this”.

3. In momentary weaknesses
An otherwise strong personality having a moment of weakness, then building themselves
back up is extremely endearing.

Women love it as well in men, as it’s the type of Byronic man that only needs a bit of their
“fixing” to get back on track.
That makes women also feel more bonded to him as he is only showing their vulnerable
side to them -it can feel special!-.

4. When it shows an emotional, human side

Vulnerability can show our human, emotional side.

Again, women love it, especially when it comes from a man who seemed always so strong
and in control.
Here is The Godfather:

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Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/t2QvuZpxmeo

Also notice that the Godfather quickly goes back to his baseline state, showing a strong
control over himself -a very attractive quality-.

5. When both are sharing vulnerability, it deepens your bond

When both partners are opening and sharing their hearts, vulnerability will increase trust,
bonding, and intimacy.

6. To gain trust and make others open up

Revealing a weakness first can be a strategic move to make people comfortable and help
them open up.

Especially when people seem to put up a wall, when you reveal your weakness first it can
be the best way to show that you provide a welcoming and open environment where to
share without judgment.

7. When both feel the same weakness

Have you heard of the impostor syndrome?

You have impostor syndrome when you feel like you aren’t good enough to be where you
are.

But sometimes that’s how most people feel!

And when you share a weakness that most other people feel, then it will indeed make you
look braver and more courageous.

8. When your vulnerability doesn’t stop you

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You know those public speakers who say “my knees are shaking and I’m super nervous”
and yet they look like they own the stage?

That’s the type of vulnerability people love.

Make yourself the kind of person who delivers and people will love you for your
weaknesses and honest vulnerability.

This is an example of that type of vulnerability, where I describe me meeting my ex

girlfriend, an emotional meeting that was making me fearful and weak… And yet I met her
anyway.

Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/ttTScQGuwk8

Him: (first elicits laughter and makes fun, showing he’s rather comfortable) It was a real
coffee (said in an emotionally cool tone) it was very emotional for me

Also notice my self-description of expensive garment and tailored clothes, which

indirectly makes it a demonstration of high value.
I can afford to say that because in that same story I describe myself vulnerably fearful, so
it’s power-balanced and I don’t come across as a braggart.

9. In supportive, intimate close relationships of equals

Finally, let’s admit it: a relationship where you can really be yourself is awesome. If you
develop that kind of relationship with your partner, then be your vulnerable self.

However, these relationships should be partnerships of equals.

If he or, more rarely, she is the leader of the relationship, too much vulnerability on the
leader side will result in a decrease of admiration and respect.

SUMMARY

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Vulnerability in the sense of “showing up” and “risking embarrassment” is a worthwhile
pursuit and it enables a life lived to the fullest.

You cannot achieve success without risking failure. And learning to overcome
embarrassment as quickly as possible will make you so much stronger.

This article is not telling you to avoid vulnerability.

You will gain by developing good friendships where you can be as honest as possible.
And you can probably gain by welcoming more vulnerability in your close relationships.

This article showed you there are many ways of misusing of vulnerability.
And hiding vulnerability in the right moments and places will make you more powerful
and effective.

Vulnerability is a tool.
And like most tools, a blanket application makes no sense. Understanding it and using it
in the right situations instead will serve you well.

Questions? Open A Topic & Ask Here!

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