Advanced Communication Skills

Chapter 5:

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH: COMMUNICATING IN DIFFICULT

SITUATIONS

Why Communicating in Difficult Situations Is Challenging

Most people instinctively avoid conflict or unpleasant situations because they don’t want to hurt
others or get hurt themselves. This natural human tendency leads to avoiding difficult
conversations—ones that might cause tension, disagreement, or emotional discomfort. For
instance, a manager might delay informing an employee about poor performance, hoping the issue
will resolve itself. Similarly, a child struggling in school may avoid telling their parents due to fear
of disappointment or scolding.

While avoidance may ease short-term anxiety, it leads to long-term stress, feelings of guilt, low
self-esteem, and deteriorating relationships. Eventually, problems grow bigger and more difficult
to solve.

Types of Difficult Conversations

Difficult conversations fall into two broad categories: planned and unplanned.

Planned conversations are those you prepare for in advance. You choose the right time, place,
and words. Examples include negotiating a salary increase or informing your family of a major
life decision. These conversations can be controlled, and with preparation and empathy, they often
go better than expected.
Unplanned conversations, however, happen spontaneously, often in moments of stress or anger.
You may find yourself blurting out something hurtful or having to react quickly to an unexpected
remark. These conversations can lead to regret or embarrassment—or occasionally, a confidence
boost if handled well. It’s important to reflect on such moments and learn how to handle them
better in the future.

Professions Where Difficult Communication Is Inevitable

Many professions demand the ability to handle difficult conversations effectively and with
emotional intelligence.
• Politicians, for example, frequently need to explain failures or scandals. They use public
relations strategies to deflect blame and focus on solutions.
 • Doctors and healthcare providers often deliver life-altering news to patients and families.
They undergo specific training to manage such emotionally intense conversations
compassionately.

• Police officers must communicate with victims or families in traumatic situations.

• Managers regularly give performance reviews, issue warnings, or announce organizational

changes like layoffs.

Even in less public-facing jobs, these communication skills are crucial. Employers look for
individuals who can stay composed, clear, and respectful during tough conversations.

The Role of Emotion and Change in Difficult Communication

Two main factors contribute to the difficulty of such conversations: emotion and change.

Emotions are not inherently good or bad. Rather, they are appropriate or inappropriate depending
on context. Sadness isn’t always negative, and happiness isn’t always good. For example, laughing
at an inappropriate moment can damage credibility, even if the intent wasn’t harmful. Learning to
recognize and regulate emotions—both yours and others’—is vital in sensitive conversations.

Change is another major hurdle. People naturally resist it, especially when it affects their comfort
zone. When you need to communicate change—like a shift in job roles, financial responsibilities,
or lifestyle—it’s critical to frame it as an opportunity. Help the listener see the potential benefits
instead of focusing only on the discomfort.

How to Handle Difficult Conversations

To communicate effectively in high-stakes or sensitive moments, a balanced approach is key. You
must be firm but kind, confident yet empathetic. Some essential skills include:
1. Information Gathering: Always know the facts before you speak. Anticipate questions
and prepare your responses.

2. Assertiveness: Once you decide to have the conversation, don’t backtrack under pressure.
Be confident in your message while staying open to dialogue.

3. Empathy: Try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. If you were in their
shoes, how would you feel?

4. Negotiation: Be open to compromises. A win–win outcome helps preserve relationships.

5. Appropriate Body Language: Maintain eye contact, use open gestures, and avoid
crossing your arms or raising your voice.
 6. Active Listening: Don’t just hear—listen. Reflect back their feelings and thoughts to show
you understand.

7. Staying Calm: Deep breaths, a steady tone, and clear focus can prevent escalation.

A Strategy for Planning: The DEARMAN Framework

DEARMAN is a structured approach created by Dialectical Behavior Therapist Marsha Linehan

to handle difficult conversations. It stands for:

• Describe: Focus on the specific issue. Example: “You didn’t include me in the team email.”

• Express: Share your feelings. “It made me feel excluded and confused.”
• Assert: Clearly state what you need. “I want to be CC’d in client-related emails.”

• Reinforce: Highlight mutual benefits. “This will help us stay aligned and reduce mistakes.”

• Mindful: Stay focused. If the other person tries to derail the conversation, gently bring it
back on track.

• Act Confident: Even if uncomfortable, don’t apologize for raising concerns. Stay
grounded.

• Negotiate: Be open to alternatives. Ask the other person for their suggestions too.

Giving and Receiving Feedback Effectively

Feedback, when given constructively, can build relationships, increase productivity, and foster
improvement. But if delivered poorly, it can damage trust and self-esteem.

Golden Rules of Feedback:

1. Focus on Behavior, Not Personality: Say, “You interrupted me twice” instead of “You’re
rude.”

2. Describe the Effect on You: “I felt disrespected when I wasn’t informed.”

3. Be Specific: Point to clear incidents, not vague generalizations.

4. Be Timely: Feedback should come soon after the event, while details are fresh.
5. Pick the Right Moment: A calm, private setting works best.

Feedback isn’t reserved for formal evaluations. Even casual remarks, if made thoughtfully, can
prompt meaningful reflection—as shown in the example of Mary and her boss Jane.
Receiving Feedback or Criticism Gracefully

Being criticized is never easy, especially if it feels unfair. But how you respond can make all the
difference.

There are two types:

• Destructive Criticism: Intended to hurt, belittle, or control. It’s often vague or personal.

• Constructive Criticism: Focused on improvement. Comes with specific suggestions and

usually a respectful tone.

How to Respond:
• Listen without interrupting.

• Clarify with questions to understand better.

• Thank the person.

• Reflect before acting.

• Decide what, if anything, needs to change.

Even hurtful feedback may contain truths. If unsure, ask a trusted friend for their view.

Handling Demands and Compliments

Demands can often be unreasonable. You have the right to say “no” without guilt or justification.
Stand firm while being respectful. Make it clear that you are refusing the request, not rejecting the
person. If you keep giving in, people will keep pushing.

Compliments, on the other hand, should be accepted gracefully. Even if you feel awkward or
disagree, say “Thank you, that’s kind of you.” Brushing off compliments can discourage others
from giving them and hurt mutual respect.

Persuasion and Influencing Skills

Nagging and coercion may force temporary compliance, but they rarely win hearts. The best
persuasion happens when people genuinely want to support your idea.

Real-life fable: When the wind tried to blow off a man’s coat, he held on tighter. But when the sun
gently warmed him, he took it off voluntarily. Similarly, persuasion works best when it doesn’t
feel forced.
Example: In a student group, John subtly persuaded Steven to step down from a task and suggested
Sue, who was better suited. This was done without confrontation, and everyone felt satisfied.

Barriers to Persuasion

According to Kurt Mortensen’s Persuasion IQ, common barriers include:

• Overconfidence

• Over-talking
• Fear of rejection

• Lack of preparation
• Desperation

• Giving too much (confusing) information

Elements of Effective Persuaders

Good persuaders are sincere, knowledgeable, emotionally intelligent, and trustworthy. They:
• Build rapport

• Listen actively

• Believe in their message

• Stay organized

• Communicate clearly and convincingly

Models of Persuasion
Tim Baker’s Framework:

• Motivators: Emotional, assertive (e.g., MLK)

• Collaborators: Emotional, subtle (e.g., Mother Teresa)

• Investigators: Logical, subtle (e.g., Al Gore)

• Calculators: Logical, assertive (e.g., Margaret Thatcher)

Effective influencers mix styles based on context.
Robert Cialdini’s Influence Weapons:

1. Reciprocity – “I help you, you help me.”

2. Commitment – Once people commit, they tend to stay consistent.

3. Social Proof – People follow crowds.

4. Liking – We’re influenced by those we like or resemble.

5. Authority – Expert opinion influences decisions.

6. Scarcity – Urgency drives action (“Only 2 seats left!”)

Dealing with Workplace Harassment

Harassment includes any aggressive or intimidating behavior, while sexual harassment

involves unwanted sexual remarks or advances.

Steps to Handle It:

1. Speak up – calmly but firmly.

2. Document everything – time, date, incident.

3. Report – to HR, a manager, or higher authorities.

4. Get support – friends, union reps, counselors.

5. Stay composed – keep doing quality work.

Sometimes, even after reporting, outcomes may not be ideal. If the environment becomes toxic, it
may be necessary to seek new opportunities in healthier spaces.

Conclusion

The key to all difficult communication is assertiveness combined with empathy. Whether you’re
handling feedback, persuasion, or harassment, always aim for respectful, win–win solutions. This
not only builds personal credibility but also leads to healthier relationships and stronger
outcomes—both personally and professionally.