Pan African e-Network Project at BITS Pilani

1
Art of Conversation

Prof.Sangeeta
Sharma
Department of Languages
BITS,Pilani
Conversations
 The Art of Conversation

Desire only to please the people with whom

you are talking and you will infallibly do so
 What is Conversation?

• Conversation is a social activity

• A sophisticated activity that we often take for granted
• Two or more people talking and listening
• It can be done via the spoken word or via sign or symbol
• It requires us to think about feelings, thoughts, needs, moods, words, symbols,
culture, gender, experiences and a host of other factors relating to the persons we are
talking or listening to–It is a reciprocal process
• Conversation is an art

• It requires 3 ingredients:
• Attending skills
• Listening manners
• Your conversational contribution
 Attending Skills

SOFTEN: The key to Gaining And Giving Attention

S mile
O pen posture
Forward lean
T on e
Eye Communication
Nod
 Listening Skills

• Ready, Set, Listen

• Create a setting
• Tune out distractions
• Be aware of your non-verbal signals

Four Important Benefits of Listening:

•To better understand people and problems
•To learn more
•To improve relationships and the work itself
•To reduce tension
 Why Conversation?

As humans we need to engage in conversation at workplace, home, social gatherings,

and so on..

‘We Can Never NOT Communicate’

 The Art of Conversation in Brief

1. Don't talk too long without pausing for a reaction. More than a minute is usually
too long. Forty seconds is ideal.
2. Never contradict or flatly disagree with the other person. It's an implied insult.
3. Don't be too forceful or emphatic in stating your opinions until you learn the
other person's attitude.
4.Give the other person intellectual freedom and cooperation and claim them for
yourself
 Assess the
Engage in
situation
conversation
and our role

Question and
foster
understanding

Discern whether
Develop a response – plan and
modification is needed
make change
and
commit to change
 Ideal Conversationalist

The ideal conversationalist is:

1. Well-informed
2. Sympathetic
3.Interested in life
4.Has a sense of the dramatic
5. Moderate
6.Can draw out the other person
7. Attentive
8.Always in good humor
9.Has a sense of proportion
10.Doesn't preach
 11. Doesn't take himself too seriously
12. Not argumentative
13. Original
14. Broad-minded
15. Charitable
16. Unselfish
17. Considerate
18. Flexible
19. Poised
20. Enthusiastic
21. A trifle whimsical

If you find the world dull, the chances are that your companions will find you dull.
 10 Most Common Business Etiquette /
Conversation Blunders

1.Inappropriate Language
2.Disregard of other’s time
3.Inappropriate dress and poor grooming
4.Misuse of the telephone / Chat room
5.Failure to greet someone properly
6.Poor listening skills
7.Disregard of shared property and other’s space
8.Embarrassing others
9.Poor table manners
10.Inappropriate or inconsistent recognition of others

Businesses are run by and for people. To be successful in business, you must be
successful working with and for people.
 Introductions

If someone hasn’t been introduced, he or she is socially invisible:

•A person who makes the introductions appears well-mannered and considerate

•When responding to an introduction
• Stand up
• Move to the person, establish eye contact, look pleasant or smile
• Shake hands
• Greet the other person and repeat his or her name
• When the conversation ends, say goodbye
 Communication as Conversation

Most conversations sort of drift along; in business, this is wasteful; as a manager,

you seek communication rather than chatter.
To ensure an efficient and effective conversation, there are three considerations:

1.you must make your message understood

2.you must receive/understand the intended message sent to you
3.you should exert some control over the flow of the communication,We must learn
to listen as well as to speak
 Conversation at Workplace

•To propose and then prove it conclusively is fatal to conversation

•To insist on always being right subjects listeners to the emotion of self-abasement

•Conversation is neither a:
•Lecture
•Sermon
•Debate
If you have nothing to say on the topic under discussion, say nothing. According to
Voltaire, `One always sounds foolish when one has nothing to say.'
Attempting to steer the conversation round to your pet subjects will engender
resentment in your listeners.
Sometimes when you find yourself with nothing to contribute to a general
conversation you may feel uncomfortable and inadequate. The impulse to get rid of
the feeling by saying something is
best resisted.
To stay on topic is not enough. One must stay in tune with the conversation. Otherwise
one's remarks will grate on the rest of the company.
 AMBIGUITY AVOIDANCE

• Be pragmatic rather than philosophical. Remember words do not mean what you
intend
• Whatever your instructions, look for possible misunderstanding and clarify
ambiguity by asking the listener questions
• If you are instructed to undertake a project, make notes, paraphrase each item to
confirm understanding.
• Write back to all concerned for consistency and validity check
 DIALOGUE

• In dialogue conversation you should usually not be brilliant or scintillating

• About half of your time should be spent listening unless it is clear that the other
person wishes you to talk more
• The advantages of listening are:
•you conceal your own weakness.
•You learn the other person's attitude.
•You give the other person enjoyment.
•You store up emphasis for the statement you eventually make.
 Engaging Conversation

The engaging conversation is an art form –an ability that can be cultivated by practice
For conversation to be successful:
• You must demonstrate Interest in the subject
• You must show interest in the person. The interest in the person is by far the surer
ingredient for success
 Engaging Conversation

• To chatter is easy

• To deliver monologue is not a conversation
• To keep silent is an important part ineffective conversation
• To talk meaningfully with the hostile, the suspicious, the indifferent or even with a
friendly person is an art

To really become a good conversationalist:

• Conscientiously stock your mind with facts and information
• Form opinions on the basis of that knowledge
Masters of the art of conversation rarely give
Advice except when so requested
The secret of giving advice:

• To mix it up with something that implies a real consciousness of the adviser's own
shortcomings
• To acknowledge other party's merits as much as possible.
• To plant a suggestion in a subtle and skillful manner
 One to One Conversation

• Conversation is easier than group conversation

• Provides greater latitude for making mistakes
•Has two subconscious aims:
•To get to know the other person
•To reveal yourself (Generally these aims should not be targeted
directly)
 Attitudes to cultivate in dialogue:
• Interest in the person
• Interest in the subject
•Friendliness
•Sincerity
•Candor
•Helpfulness

“People who are uncomfortable in themselves are disagreeable to others”.

William Hazlitt
 • People like those who:
•Like them
•Appreciate them
•Admire them
•Like the same things as they do
•Are the same kind of people they are (usually)
•Are helpful

If you do not fit into one or more of these categories, DO NOT attempt to be friend

According to a study the average person is interested in job, home, politics, recreation,
health, current events in that order
• In dialogue conversation you should usually not be brilliant or scintillating.
• About half of your time should be spent listening unless it is clear that the other
person wishes you to talk more
The advantages of listening are:

•You conceal your own weakness.

•You learn the other person's attitude.
•You give the other person enjoyment.
•You store up emphasis for the statement you eventually make.

In times of trouble a sympathetic ear is more valuable to most people than anything
that can be said to them
•Conversation should generally attempt to remove barriers
•Some barriers that cannot be removed and no attempt should be made to do so

Such barriers are:

Age
Sex
Experience
Superiority
Inferiority

It is easier to talk with an inferior than with a superior, but it is not easier to
talk well.
 General Conversation

The main purpose of general conversation is to exchange views

General conversation should conform to the following

principles:

•The topic must be of general interest.

• Each person must do his share AND NO MORE.
• There should be no periods of silence.
• No topic should be dragged out.
• The tone should be kept good-natured
• No one should be offended by anything said
 Types of Conversation & The
Role of Instinct

Conversation is of two basic types:

• Conversation for its own sake
• Conversation for some other purpose

Politicians, preachers, salesmen, lobbyists, etc. practice the latter.

Conversation for its own sake has two distinct aims:

•Companionship
• The exchange of ideas
Four instincts may always be appealed to in
conversation:
•Attraction
•Self-assertion
•Pugnacity
•Curiosity

Three instincts may sometimes be appealed to:

• Gender attraction
•Art
•Acquisition

The gender attraction, artistic and acquisitive instincts may be appealed to

with some people, but not with others. Moreover, more discretion is required
in tapping these instincts if they are to produce good conversation.
• A mutual dislike stimulates conversation. It is easy to stimulate most people to talk
if you can find their pet peeve. Beware of doing this unless you share their viewpoint

• Perhaps the strongest instinct is parental affection. Talk to someone (especially a

woman) about their children and they are deeply interested

• The instincts which must always be avoided are:

•Repulsion
•Self-abasement
•Fear
 PRACTICAL POINTS

•Effective conversation: you should decide (in advance) on the purpose of the
conversation and the plan for achieving it

•Assertiveness
If someone argues against you, even loses their temper, you should be quietly
assertive. The final message is a three-fold plan of action:

1. acknowledge what is being said by showing an understanding of the position,

or by simply replaying it (a polite way of saying "I heard you already")
2. State your own point of view clearly and concisely with
perhaps a little supporting evidence
3. State what you want to happen next (move it forward
•Confrontations
•Be professional
•Do not lose your self-control.
•Some managers believe

it is useful for "discipline" to keep staff a little nervous.

•Insults are ineffective
Staff may listen but the main problem is not addressed
“On the Journey to Learn, all we do is to discover our ignorance progressively”

Adapted from Will Durant