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19.06.05. Bài luận dạng Problem & Solution:
Topic: Some employers find that their new employees lack in basic interpersonal skills such as lack of ability
to work with colleagues as a team. What are the causes of this problem? Suggest solutions.
Essay:
In today’s world, it is an incontrovertible fact that the work force is now more competitive and capricious
compared to the past. Hand in hand with this, the fast rhythm of work environment also demands that
employees have not only the employability skills which are indispensable in every job but also soft skills that
denote their dynamic and dependence. However, due to various reasons, the absence of interpersonal skills
such as communication skill and teamwork skill has now become widely popular among job holders around
the world. This essay will illustrate some factors contributing and will also elicit some measures that can
help to resolve this issue.

On the one hand, the over-reliance on electronic devices might be considered as one of the major culprits
causing the soft skills deficiencies of workers. This is because many employees today are taking jobs which
base on modern technology, the part and parcel of which is spending a colossal amount of time with
technological devices such as computer, laptop in their working time. As a result, the more time they spend
time online, the less time is used for socializing with friends or colleagues, which may cause the
unfamiliarity with social interaction. A stark example of this is office workers, who are accustomed to the
sedentary lifestyle, have to spend a huge amount of time in front of the computer screen in lieu of working
face-to-face with workmates. In addition, the paucity of social skills may also result from the inappropriate
method of educating young people. It is quite clear that many schools, nowadays, tend to expect students
to fully acquire knowledge that is disseminated through attending lectures or reading books without
improving life experience. Consequently, those young workers, in the future, are likely to have difficulty in
communicating effectively with their colleagues or employers due to the lack of interpersonal skills, thus
creating the displeasure at their jobs.

On the other hand, I would believe that there exist viable solutions to alleviate this problem. Firstly,
employers should incentivize by giving incentives to individuals who are not only high-performing employees
but also who are excel in socializing and getting on well with other colleagues. In terms of education, school
teachers should also foster students’ social development through creating extra-curricular activities to
improve soft skills such as voluntary days that are designed to help students to increase their social
knowledge and communication skill. In this way, students when joining the workplace will not have to deal
with obstacles resulting from the lack of interpersonal skills. These virtues, then, will come in handy in their
future job pursuits.

In conclusion, there are a number of reasons for employees lacking soft skills in today’s society. However, I
would argue that many approaches can be used to deal with this problem, namely providing sociable ones
with incentives and following relevant method in teaching students. It is my genuine belief that if these
solutions are applied effectively, labor productivity and job satisfaction will increase significantly.
(497 words)
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COMMENT:

I- Một số vấn đề nhận thấy trong bài viết:

1, Bài luận bị lạc đề do không đọc kỹ đề bài. Đề bài đề cập cụ thể đến đối tượng NEW employees nhưng tác
giả chỉ tập trung viết về vấn đề đối với employees nói chung. Điều này dẫn đến: a- paraphrase sai (cần
paraphrase từ new employees chứ không phải all types of employees), b -ý kiến phần nguyên nhân chưa
phù hợp do đang nói chung chung với tất cả employees.

2, Bài luận quá dài (497 từ). Khi thi thật tác giả sẽ rất dễ bị thiếu thời gian để hoàn thiện bài luận và đặc
biệt là soát lỗi. Nên tập viết quanh khoảng 280 từ (~13 câu).

3, Khổ introduction dùng tới 2 câu (rất dài) làm general statement là không hợp lý. Câu số 2 đưa ra 2 khía
cạnh mang tính chất tương đương (do cấu trúc “not only, but also”) làm người đọc dễ hiểu lầm là bài luận
này xoay quanh cả 2 yếu tố đó.

Trong khi đó câu general statement có cũng được mà không có cũng không bị trừ điểm. Cân nhắc bỏ 2 câu
đầu này, đi thẳng vào paraphrase đề bài.

4, Chưa biết cách tổ chức cấu trúc một body paragraph. Khuyến khích tác giả luyện tập viết body paragraph
theo một trong hai cấu trúc rất đơn giản mà hiệu quả của thầy Simon (“Firstly, Secondly, Finally” hoặc
“Idea, Explain, Example).

Đặc biệt lưu ý lỗi body paragraph 1 không có câu topic sentence mà đi thẳng vào supporting idea.

5, Rất yếu về linking words. Phần lớn (80%) linking words trong bài sử dụng không phù hợp ngữ cảnh, dẫn
đến tính mạch lạc của bài luận rất thấp.

6, Sử dụng từ vựng sai rất nhiều, chủ yếu do sử dụng các từ vựng phức tạp mà không hiểu rõ nghĩa.

7, Ngữ pháp chủ yếu sai nhiều ở mạo từ a/an/the.

II- Đánh giá theo 4 tiêu chí chấm điểm chính thức của IELTS Writing:

- Task Response: 5

- Coherence and Cohesion: 5

- Lexical Resource: 5

- Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Ước lượng: Bài viết ở tầm band 5-5.5.

III- Bài chữa sơ bộ (xem trang tiếp)

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III- Bài chữa sơ bộ:

Các lỗi về từ vựng được color coded như sau: Sử dụng từ/cụm từ sai (word choice): orange; sai
collocation: blue.

In today’s world, it is an incontrovertible fact that the work force is now more competitive and Comment [A1]: Workforce nghĩa là lực lượng lao 
động, không phải đang nói về ngành 
capricious compared to the past. Hand in hand with this, the fast rhythm of work environment also
Comment [A2]: Linking words không phù hợp 
demands that employees have not only the employability skills which are indispensable in every job but
also soft skills that denote their dynamic and dependence. However, due to various reasons, the absence Comment [A3]: Dynamic là tính từ 

of interpersonal skills such as communication skill and teamwork skill has now become widely popular Comment [A4]: Independence? 
among job holders around the world. This essay will illustrate some contributing factors contributing and Comment [A5]: Không có collocation the 
absence đi kèm với become popular 
will also elicit some measures that can help to resolve this issue.

On the one hand, the over-reliance on electronic devices might be considered as one of the major culprits Comment [A6]: Linking words này không sử 
dụng cho dạng đề Problem & Solution 
causing for the soft skills deficiencies of workers. This is because many employees today are taking jobs
which are based on modern technology, the part and parcel of which is requires spending a colossal
amount of time with technological devices such as computers, laptop in their working time. As a result, the
more time they spend time online, the less time is used for socializing with friends or colleagues, which
may cause the unfamiliarity with the lack of social interaction. A stark example of this is office workers,
who are accustomed to the sedentary lifestyle, have to spend a huge amount of time in front of the Comment [A7]: 2 cách sửa: cách 1 là this is the 
fact that hoặc cách 2 là office workers having to 
computer screens in lieu of working face-to-face with workmates. In addition, the paucity of social skills spend... 
may also result from be the direct result of the inappropriate method of educating young people. It is
quite clear that many schools, nowadays, tend to expect students to fully acquire knowledge that is
disseminated through attending lectures or reading books without improving life experience. Consequently,
those young workers, in the future, are likely to have difficultyies in communicating effectively with their
colleagues or employers due to the lack of interpersonal skills, thus creating the causing displeasure at
their jobs.

On the other hand, I would believe that there exist viable solutions to alleviate this problem. Firstly, Comment [A8]: Linking words này không sử 
dụng cho dạng đề Problem & Solution 
employers should incentivize by giving provide incentives to individuals who are not only high-
Comment [A9]: Có Firstly nhưng lại không có 
performing employees but also who are excel in socializing and getting on well with other colleagues. In Secondly? 
terms of education, school teachers should also foster students’ social development through creating extra- Comment [A10]: Linking words rất yếu, không 
curricular activities to improve soft skills such as introducing voluntary days that are designed to help thể hiện được là đang nói sang một ý mới. 

students to increase their social knowledge and communication skill. In this way, students when joining the
workplace will not have to deal with obstacles resulting from the lack of interpersonal skills when joining
the workforce. These virtues, then, will come in handy in their future job pursuits.

In conclusion, there are is a number of reasons for employees lacking soft skills in today’s society.
However, I would argue that many approaches can be used to deal with this problem, namely providing
sociable ones with incentives and following relevant method in teaching students. It is my genuine belief Comment [A11]: Lỗi referencing, ones ở đây 
đang nói đến employees hay students? 
that if these solutions are applied effectively, labor productivity and job satisfaction will increase
Comment [A12]: Lỗi diễn đạt 
significantly.