Issue x,000,021
2 -
Frats Combine Booths into Giant Robot; 14 Dead
According to sources, the annual Booth
competition will be a little different this
year, due to the fraternities having over-
whelming budgets and an unprecedented
number of migrant workers coming to
Pittsburgh.
With over 500,000 man-hours in the mak-
ing, each fraternity produced a fully func-
tional mechanical booth, complete with
working arms, legs, and a mi_nibar tended b~7
midgets. The other organizations and
onlookers stared in awe as the KDR and
SAE booths started breakdancing to the
Chemical Brothers, synthesized by the
D'1'1) booth. ~Uhile many were crushed in
the process, people are already calling this
"... the most rockinest Carnival ever!"
Senior undecided major Franklin W.
Williams said "Man, these booths kick ass!
That DU booth is bung bung!!" ~Uhile he
was plastered at the time, he was right about
the DU booth. With way too much money
on their hands, DU decided to make an
anatomicalltiT correct golden calf that could
walk on its hind legs, program in Java, and
of course, combine with the other booths
to make one giant, ultra, mega booth.
"Damn! That shit is screwed up!!" claimed
Typo in Biotech Course Announcement Leaves Students
Disappointed
Like most students, Greg Fischer was ver`T
excited to read the announcement about a
new minor offered by the Biology
Department. According to the announce-
ment emailed to all MCS students, starting
next fall there will be a new "minor in
Blotch" that students can take. "I thought it
would be totally sweet to be able to tell
everyone I got a minor in Blotch, biotch"
said Fischer, "Then I emailed them and theyT
told me it was supposed to say `Biotech'.
Don't they know how to spell `biotch'?"
Point/Counter-Point
No, cause I got you!
I totally hit you with my special attack. You
should be dead. It's myT super secret finishing
move that I saw on Dragonball Z that no
one can defeat because it's really fast and it
hurts a lot. It was so fast ~~ou didn't even see
J
me do it, but I did it and now you're dead.
There's no way you can survive it because
my power levels are so high and your power
levels are really low It hits 300 times in 1
second and drains your power and gives it to
me. So lay down, because yTou're dead.
- readme p.
April 14 -April 20
Yeeaaaaaargh
newly crowned Student Body President
Optimus Prime, who was then split in half
by the mega booth, calling itself Boothtron.
Later ilz the evening, an extremely intoxicat-
ed Boothtron tried to sexily combine with
boothylicious Zeta, but crushed 14 innocent
children in the process. Upon hearing of
this, Innocent Carnival Bystanders
Anonti~mous (ICBM} started a protest and
Boothtron was promptly dismantled.
The Biotech department head and major
biotch, Janet Augustus, has taken a lot of
heat for the Biotech minor announcement
faux pas. "I wrote the announcement, but
forgot that I already added `biotch' to my
spell checker's dictionary; so it was hard to
notice the mistake," Augustus explained.
"Now everyone calls me the Biotech Blotch,
or the Bio Bio for short. One math depart-
ment nerd even called me `negative Bo
squared'."
Nah-uh, cause I've got power armor
So I'm not dead, but you are because it
reflects moves onto you!
readme in Diapers...
{get it? haha)
GI Joe to Attempt Dangerous
Rescue
GI Joe received information from his spies
that Skeletor is holding Barbie hostage in the
breakfast nook. Joe, who is a Real Arrierican
Hero, told sources that he plans on making
an aquatic entry through the bathtub drain
into the sink of the kitchen. He then plans
to shoot his grappling hook into the ceiling
and swing to the wall of the heavily fortified
nook. Skeletor, who has enlisted the help of
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and
Swamp Thing, is a fearsome enemy who
should not be taken lightly, is believed to be
under the nook with Barbie.
Joe plans on asking He-Man and Stretch
Armstrong to assist him in his daring rescue.
Joe's main plan of attack will be bumping
into his enemies and making "Psh ps11
kapow" sounds.
Tommy Robinson's Face
Stuck Like That Forever
Tommy Robinson's mom like totally told
him that if he kept making that face, you
know the one where he pulls his lip up over
his forehead, that it was going to stick like
that and it TOTALLY DID! Now Tommy='s
r
lip is permanently pulled up over his head
and he looks like a total freak. And there's
nothing the doctors can do to help him. He
will forever be called liphead, all because he
didn't listen to his mother when she told him
to stop making that face or it would freeze
like that. I am like, totally; never making a
face because it'll stick. I've seen Tomm~.~ and
he's scary
Issue 7,000,021 - readme p. 3 - April 14 -April 20

Top Things You readme's Carnival Gift to You:

Missed While Drunk
....'•:~~~ea
Connect the Dots!
(we even did one for you!) ^^;;

.+n
~ ~~

More drinking

~ threesome with your hot friend with

whom `7ou've been trying to hook up all
semester

The peace of mind of not waking up in

someone else's vomit

The comedtiT stj7lings of l~Zr. drunk frat

gu~T and his grope-happ~r comrades.

The toilet when trying to take a wizz (or ~~ ~~

is it whizz?)

Your ex as ~%ou were sitting. alone in jTour

room, so then yTou showed up outside his
or her house and tried to call out, but
then just wet `Tourself... smooth.
The ability to maintain an erection... isn't
that right, Mr. whiskey-dick?
So this jTear's carnival theme is "to be a
kid again" ... so where's the booth where
your uncle touches tiTou in inappropt-iate
places over the course of a whole sum-
mer?
The days when these lists weren't total
crap... too bad, some of us have been
drinking too... a Jamaican bobsled team!?!
Letter to the Editor
(for real, someone wrote this, we're not making it up)
Dear readme,
I have to tell you, that was like, the most won-
derful and lovelyT issue you've ever put out. I
mean, I was s0000 entertained! There's
nothing like political correctness to warm the
heart. You guys are the greatest.
Seriouslti; FUCK pC. Is this what our admin-
istration expects from our publications now
days? Sweetness and love? It's the most bor-
ing thing I've ever read. You have to make
fun of something to be funnti I hope you
guys go back to -our old style next issue. If
I were you, I would be afraid too of making
fun of anti~thing. Seems that our university
administration has decreed an end to free
speech and the beginning to this fake broth-
erltiT love.
Sean
whoosh. I~ea~ that? That was the solrjz~l of a joie
oUe~~Jo2r.~ head ~~1~1o~a12.
~OZ1Z~

Editing &Writing Staff

Grand Parent: Chris Rotella
Parent: Muffin, Brian Leahy, Aileen D'Esposito, Dana Vinson, Greg Modzelewski, Ashley Holtgraver, Esteban Bowles-
Martinez, Audrey Dolgov, Alison Lauer, AB Hair Chris Smoak, Fred Merkle, Katie Wallat, Mike Blain, Jake Portnoff, Kevin
Chang, Ceci Westbrook, Eli Gwynn, Daren Makuck and Zack Hiwiller
What is readme? Well, it's funny and it's useful. lend free. So it's better than a new pupp`
Who makes it? readme is printed by the 1-activities Board, sponsored b~7 Tour student activities fee
Where do I get it? readme is handed out at ~1B events and left iii stacks around campus
Online: v~►~vvw.activitiesboard.org/readme (but it hasn't been updated, maybe this week)
How do I help? Email crotella ct andrewcmu.edu. We need funny writers, non-fiuzn~T writers, and Photoshopers,
and kittens activities board
And remember: Carnival is awesome.
Issue 7,000,021 - readme p. 4 - April 14 -April 20
l"his is the True section, where we make stuff up. Just like that

readme for kids Cheap Movies at

Activity Center! McConomy
A11 the nights, brought to you by AB, except
Draw a picture, tell a story then send it in! Saturday which is SDC and AB and Friday
~- which is .AB and SDC. 1 Buck.

1 Wednesday: Maltese Falcon 10, 12

1 .~~nother classic, it's a thoroughly= solid

detective movie. Good old Sam Spade gets
1 himself involved in the no good art theft
business, but manages to dodge bullets with
1 way more styTle than Neo could ever dream
of.
1
Thursday: The Station Agent 10, 12
1
1 OK, when we said "to be a kid again" was
the theme, we probabl~T were asking for
1 midget jokes. But no, in reality, we got an
entire midget iVIOVIE. Learn to be like a
1 kid again the real way--byT being short forev-
er.
1
Friday: Big 8, 10
1
1 To be a kid again is the carnival theme, and
what better to motivate akid-like demeanor

I than this Tom Hanks classic? Remember

being 13? Remember wishing you were
1 older? 1-~nd how you'd get to touch boobies
and stuff ? Well, Tom Hanks does.
1 Saturday: Big 8, 10
1
To be a kid again is the carnival theme, and
1 what better to motivate akid-like demeanor

1 than this Tom Hanks classic? Remember

being 13? Remember wishing yTou were
1 older? end how you'd get to touch boobies
and stuff ? Well, Tom Hanks does.
1 Sunday: The Hebrew Hammer 8,
1 10, 12

1 Fresh out of Passover, the hammer is here!

Think "Shaft," with sidecurls. It's hilarious,
1 and you know it's OK to laugh because the

1 actors and director are Jewish, too.

I
1
1
1
1
■~~~~~a~~~■~~~~~~~w~~~~~~~~~~~aw~~~~~~r~~~~

~_
Issue 7,000,021
This is the True section, where we make stuff up. Just like that.
It's that time of year. ~~nd I don't mean
finals. I mean Carnival! ~-1nd for the second
time in as many years, your friendl~T
1~ctivities Board concert committee brings
jTou the cutting edge of hip-hop. Hot on the
tail of last year's successful Jurassic 5 show,
this year, N.E.R.D. is performing at
Carnival, and this is a show that tiTou should
by no means miss.
But of course, I must give yTou background.
First of all, it's "N — E — R — D," not "nerd;"
in case you missed the periods, it's an
acronym (for those of you keeping score at
home, it stands for "No one Ever Really
Dies"). Though it creates an interesting pun,
as the members of N.E.R.D. are, at Ieast to
some degree, a bunch of nerds. Pharrell
Williams, Chad Hugo, and Shay first came to
prominence as production collaborative the
Neptunes, working with everyone from rap-
per Busta Rhymes to reggae star Beenie
IVIan to the ever-present Britneya Spears, and
pretty much every one in between.
Eventually, they decided to actually make
their own music, doing so under the name
N.E.R.D. with 2002's In Search Of... TheyT
created a brand of hip-hop that pretty much
bridged the gap between more "old-school"
groups like the Roots, Jurassic 5, and the
1~nti-Pop Consortium and more mainstream
acts, a la Jay-Z and Busta RhyTmes. The
.:~ re.:s~•:~•r>w; ;Tf ~~ri
Mitch Hedberg is a funny guff; really funnti~
He's been on a good number of TV shows
including "ED," "Tl1at 70'S S110W,"
"Premium Blend," and movies like `~~Imost
Famous" and "Los Enchiladas."
Best of all, though, he'll be here at CMU
ThursdatiT night. Whenever he performs, he
seems drunk, which is OIL, because you will
probably be drunk too.
So yeah, you should go, because it'll be
funny llnd you won't have to do work,
because it's carnival. Tickets matiT be sold out
already, but theyT'll be some at the door.
- readme p. 5 - April 14 -April 20
From the Desks of
Student Body Vice
President
Gilbert Dussek
Carnival is only datias away, and this tiTear I am
pleased to announce that there will be a
great addition to our traditional carnival fes-
tivities: a demonstration o f Carnegie
l~lellon Red Teams Sandstorm. Sandstorm
recently competed in D.~-1RP~~s 1 million
Grand Challenge, an tuzmanned, off-road
race for autonomous vehicles from
Barstow, California, to Primm, Nevada
through the Mojave Desert. Immediatelti=
following the buggy races on Saturday; our
own Sandstorm will proceed to complete a
album included a backing band rather than lap around the buggy course without any
turntables, and it received widespread criti- human intervention whatsoever. 1~fter
cal acclaim. Unfortunately, it was pretty completing the course, Sandstorm will be
much only.=noticed by art-school kids despite on display on the cut for the duration of the
catch`s singles "Rock Star (Poser}" and "Lap afternoon. I encourage all members of the
Dance." Despite the commercial non-suc- campus communinT to be on hand for what
cess, they tiveren't about to go back to just will prove to be a very exciting and dynam-
producing, and this year released the once- ic demonstration. More details about Red
again highly acclaimed "Fly or Die." Teams Sandstorm can be found at
~;~ww redteamracing.org.
N.E.R.D. is now on their way up, and they're
taking off fast. This• show gives you a Finally, the Multicultural Council formed by
chance to see them —for free, nonetheless — Student Government earlier last semester
before they='re huge, and then down the line will be hosting the first annual Multicultural
you can look back and say "I saw them Banquet on Sunday; April 25th from 6pm
when..." So like I said, you should go. The 9pm in the Connan Room. This is the first
parties don't really start until after the show of what I hope will turn out to be an ann al
anti~vati; and it'll be done early enough that gathering of the cultural groups on campus
you can be up for buggy in the morning. Go, in a rare opportunity to engage in thought-
have fun, and catch some quality= rap. ful discussion about encouraging more col-
laboration between organizations and stu-
dent groups, as well as enriching the
Carnegie Mellon experience as a whole.
Students from all campus organizations are
welcome to attend. I~Zore details will be
released later this week.
.:2:'v::`.R:.~r-•:~r.•i:~►•:c . r .r:.,t:~n•. :•:~-•-•w.•::~es:~rr:rrr~rr. r::v:i•}:•}:v:^}::{?
~:::+.r:•r.r::,-•:-,..: ~T:rc:r.•:nc:rrw•r~r.-rrT; : Trrr:;
:: ~:•ii$$$}:•}:•:{v:•i}:•i}:•}r'r:•:ii:•:~ ~:•}:•i°r'r:{;{e4;•i}:{4:•i:•::4:.•}:•}:•i:•T}T}::•}:•. —
l~s always, I welcome anjT questions or con-
cerns you may have and can be contacted at
sbvp@andrewcmu.edu or 412.657.4692
J
Mitch Hedberg
 Events and Things On and Off Campus
Nope, no events; It's Carnival
Wednesday, April 14
movie: The Malteese Falcon. McConomy 8, 10. ~1
concert: Scout Niblett @Garfield Artworks
concert: Prince @Mellon Arena, 7:30 pm, X47.25-75
concert: Bari Koral @ Pennsylvania State University,
McKeesport, PA
concert: "Ska Is Dead... And You're Next" w/ Catch 22, Mustard
Plug, Big D and the Kids Table, and the Planet concert: Smashers
@ The World, 7pm, 10
Thursday, April 15
carnival: Opening Ceremonies. 3pm, Midway
carnival: Kiltie Band. 3:30pm. Main Stage
carnival: AUTO. Spm. Main Stage
carnival: Cabaret presented by Scotch 'n' Soda. Spm. Rangos
carnival: Overdue. 6:15pm. Main Stage
carnival: 5543. 7:15pm. Main Stage
carnival: Mitch Hedberg, Lynne Shawcroft. Main Stage. 8:30pm.
movie: The Station .Agent. McConomy 8, 10. 1
concert: Melissa Manchester @Heinz Hall
concert: Southern Culture On The Skids @ Mr. Smalls Fun
House /Theatre, 8 pm, 14
concert: iVlilkbaby, Pascal, Stephanie Rearick @Quiet Storm
concert: Average White Band @Rex Theatre, 8 pm, X22, 21+
concert: "GameRiot" @The World, 4 pm, X12
Friday, April 16
carnival: Jazz Band. 12pm. Main Stage
carnival: Game Fest. 1pi-n. Connan Room
carnival: Idiot Boyfriend. 1:30pm. 3~Iain Stage
carnival: The Girls. 2:30pm. l~'Iain Stage
carnival: Sa'J 7. 3:30pm. Main Stage
carnival: Step Show 4:15. Main Stage
carnival: Amy Speace &the Tearjerks. Spm. Main Stage
carnival: Cabaret presented by Scotch 'n' Soda. 7pm and 12am.
Rangos
carnival: N*EAR*D and Spymob. Spm. CFA Lawn.
movie: Big. McConomy 8, 10. $1
art: Barely Eagle Opening Reception. 7pm. The Frame.
concert: Don Williams, Bristol Crossing @ A J. Palumbo Center
concert: Reggae Cowboys @Club Cafe, 10 pm, $10, 21 +
concert: The Oak Ridge Boys @David L. Lawrence Center
concert: Melissa Manchester @Heinz Hall
concert: Science Fiction Idols @ iVTargaritaville
concert: "Radiotakeover Tour" w/ AK.A's, the Beautiful Mistake,
Anatomy of a Ghost, and Emery @ iti1r. Smalls Fun
House/Theatre, 8 pm, X10
concert: Sarah Harmer @Rex Theatre, 8 pm, ~15, 21+
concert: Clutch @The World, 8 pm, ~14
concert: Pinback, Make Believe @University Of Pittsburgh
Saturday, April 17
carnival: JotiTful Noise. 11am. Main Stage
carnival: Soundb~~es. 11:30am. Main Stage
carnival: Counterpoint. 12pm. plain Stage
carnival: The O~.-iginals. 12:30pm. Main Stage
carnival: No Parking Player &Off the Top. 1:30pm. Main Stage.
carnival: Linister. 3:15pm. Main Stage.
carnival: Dirty Weekend. 4:30pm. Main Stage
carnival: Awards Ceremoni: 5:30pm Main Stage
carnival: Night Market Art Sale. 6pm. UC
carnival: WRCT Dance Party. 6:30pm. Main Stage.
carnival: Yves Jean Band. bpm I~Ierson Courtyard
carnival: Midnight Spaghetti and the Chocolate G-String. G`Tm
carnival: Cabaret presented by Scotch 'n' Soda 7pm. Rangos
carnival: The Anderson Council. 8:15pm. Main Stage
carnival: Fireworks. 9:30pm. The Sky
movie: Big. McConomy: 8, 10. $1
event: Acting For the Camera Workshop. 10am-3pm Pittsburgh
Filmmakers 477 Melwood Avenue, Oakland. X55 members/~70
nonmembers
concert: Anna Vogelzang. 12:15pm, Cathedral Lawn, Pitt. Free
concert: Alex Skolnick, Sam Shaber @Club Cafe, 7:30 pm, 8
concert: Lee Greenwood @David L. Lawrence Center
concert: Tangerine @Duquesne Universit~~
concert: Melissa Manchester @Heinz Hall
concert: The Nighthawks @ Moondog's
concert: Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players, Bobby Tisdale @
Mr. Smalls Fun House/Theatre, 8 pm, X12
Sunday, April 18
movie: The Hebrew Hammer. McConomy: 8, 10, 12. $1
concert: Melissa Manchester @Heinz Hall
concert: Graham Colton Band @ l~Tr. Smalls Fun
concert: House/Theatre, 7:30 pm, X10
concert: PovertyNeck Hillbillies @Red Star Tavern
concert: Todd Rundgren @Rex Theatre, 7:30 pm, X35, 21 +
Monday, April 19
debate: Evolution vs. Intelligent Design. Dr. Austin Daceti= and Dr.
Paul Nelson, 7pm. Dohertt~ Hall 2302
concert: Evoka @Club Cafe
concert: Fear Factor~T @ Mr. Smalls Fun House/Theatre, 7:30 pm,
X20
concert: James "Blood" Ulmer @Three Rivers Arts Festival
concert: "Los Hombres Calientes" Feat. MatiTfield & Surruners, Bill
Su.inmers @ Byham Theatre
Tuesday, April 20
concert: Irvin I~Tayfield @ B~'ham Theatre
concert: Fruit @Club Cafe, 10:30 pm, $10, 21 +
concert: Allister @ Mr. Smalls Fun House/Theatre, 6:30 pm, $12
concert: Supagroup @Smiling Moose
concert: Exodus @The World, 7pm, X12
Do you have events?
Do you like FREE advertising?
YOU DO?!
Email crotella@andrew.cmu.edu with your event informa-
tion. Include a description, the time, date, location and
cost. We will include it in this event listing ABSOLUTELY
FREE! Believe it or not, people actually read this thing.
mean, you are, right?