[ Sunburned Heart (Costa Leona Series #8) ]

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[ 1 SunburnedHeartCostaLeona8 ]
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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and

incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a
fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual
events is purely coincidental.
Do not distribute, publish, transmit, modify, display or create derivative works
from or exploit the contents of this story in any way. Please obtain permission.
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Warning: Some themes are not suitable for 18y/o below. Read at your own risk!

[ 2 Simula ]
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Simula
Have you ever screwed your life so bad that you don't know how to even continue
living it?
Sa nangingilid na mga luha, lumabo ang paningin ko habang tinatanaw ang pangalawang
stick. Kanina, matindi pa ang lakas ko, hindi pa nawawalan ng pag-asa. Ngayon,
nanginginig na ang aking mga kamay at gusto ko na lang sumigaw at umiyak.
The two lines of the pregnancy test is very, very visible. It is very undeniable,
unlike my first try.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. Sa sobrang ligalig ng pag-iisip ko ngayon,
halos hindi na ako makahinga ng maayos.
Tumulo ang luha ko at humikbi na lang sa loob ng bathroom, taking everything all
in.
It is no ones fault but mine. I want to say that all along, it's my mother's fault.
She dragged me in this town to get away from my supposed bad influence boyfriend.
Ang totoo, hindi niya kasalanan. Ako lang ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng ito.
"Ma'am Amber?" isang katok ang narinig ko galing sa pintuan. "Nasa baba na po ang
breakfast n'yo."
"Susun-nod na lang po ako!" I shouted wearily.
I am pregnant. That explains why for five consecutive days, I wake up in the
morning to vomit. Unang araw pa lang, kinabahan na ako. But I thought it's all just
because I am not feeling very well for the past weeks.
Walang gana akong naupo sa hapag, hindi man lang ginagalaw ang pagkain. I have no
choice but to go to him and tell him. Wala na akong pakealam kung may mahal man
siyang iba. I won't tell him that just because I want him back. I want to inform
him at hanggang doon na lang iyon.
It's horrifying to imagine my mother's reaction. Sa dami-dami ng kapalpakang ko
para sa kanya, ito na ang pinakamatindi.
I sighed calmly and thought of it clearly. I will tell him first. He's the father.
I must tell him.
May bumubulong sa akin na sulusyunan ko itong mag-isa. Hindi ko na lang ipapaalam
sa kanya pero alam kong malalaman at malalaman niya rin iyon. My mother will never
give them peace once she learned of it. So I am off to tell them about it.
"Tapos ka na ba, Ma'am?" tanong ng kasambahay nang nakitang halos hindi ko na naman
ginalaw ang almusal.
"Oo. Maglalakad-lakad lang muna ako sa dalampasigan. Pakisabi kay Mommy kapag
naghanap," sabi ko.
"Sige po, Ma'am."
Nilakad ko ang dalampasigan galing sa aming mansyon patungo sa The Coast Hotel. It
was another fine day for everyone on a holiday. The blazing hot sun is as happy as
everyone. Hindi ako makapaniwala na sa dagat ng mga taong ito, nandito ako, kabado
at problemado para sa aking sarili.
My mother's ambitions for me were instilled in my head even when I was little. She
wants me to become a social butterfly so I took art classes and ballets to be a
prim and proper lady at an early age. High school came and she enrolled me in
modeling agencies that lead me to pageants. I won a prestigious national teenage
pageant just a couple of year ago, when I was still sixteen. She was happy about it
but she never want me to join more. She said... it's "cheap". Imbes, gusto niyang
mas pagbutihin ko sa pagmomodelo.
How I got here was both our doing. I was so stubborn while she's too strict.
Now where did it get me, huh?
KInagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko habang tinatahak ang matitinik na rock
formation na pumapagitna sa The Coast at sa mahaba pang dalampasigan ng Costa
Leona.
On our hotel, the sea is peaceful and without any boat in sight. Beyond the rock
formations are the many boats of the fishermen of Costa Leona's people. Kahit naka
tsinelas, nararamdaman ko pa ring sobrang sakit ng bawat apak ko.
Puwede naman akong magkotse at umikot na lang pero alam kong maaalerto si Mommy at
hindi ako matutuloy kung sakali. This way is also a short cut to the home of a man
I never thought would change my whole life in a blink.
Hirap na hirap ako sa pagtatahak na kahit tanaw ko na dapat ang mga kabahayan,
hindi ako makatingin dahil pinagbubutihan kong hindi ma sugatan. I failed, though.
I can now see two or three showing up wounds.
"Ah!"
I squatted when I made it all four. The fourth is the biggest and the most bloody.
Hinawakan ko ang paa at pumikit ako ng mariin sa sakit.
I heard a laugh from the shore dahilan ng pag-angat naman ng tingin ko. Hindi na
bago sa akin ang tanawin na madalas kong nakita ilang linggo na ang nakalilipas.
Bumalik ako sa pagtayo at agad akong nahilo, for some reason.
Jaxon Archibald Riego is the father of my child. I will not blame him for being
with other girls after our heated confrontations. In other days, I would walk out,
terribly angry, whenever I see him flirting.
Today, I won't.
Today, I will endure the pain. Hindi ko naman alam kung sino talaga ang may
kasalanan. Ako o siya. Kaya hindi ko na siya sisisihin pa. Especially now that I'm
pregnant. This is not a joke anymore. This is not part of my theatrical acts
towards him.
Parang pinupunit ang puso ko habang tinitingnan silang dalawa ni Rowena. Rowena is
his neighbor who's close to him. If my memory is right, she's his ex girlfriend.
Maganda si Rowena. She's as tall as me. She's also fair and her natural brown hair
made her look a bit more foreign than the other girls in this town. But if my
judgement today is just not mixed with bitterness, I would say she's nice.
Silence enveloped because of their kiss. It's ridiculous. Kahit sino sa distansya
kong ito, mararamdaman o makikitang may tao. Jax ignored his peripheral view, hindi
ko alam kung sinadya ba o talagang hindi niya lang ako nakita.
Bubuksan ko na sana ang bibig ko para magsalita pero nakita ko ang kamay niyang
pumalupot sa baywang ni Rowena. Para akong sinasaksak sa puso. My breathing hitched
and my lips remained parted for the halted words.
Nangilid ang mga luha ko, tatalikuran ko na sana sila nang bigla siyang tumingin sa
akin. The revenge in his eyes were very evident and the amusement on his lips made
him look tormented. Bahagya niyang pinaalis si Rowena sa tabi niya.
"Anong ginagawa mo rito?" he asked me coldly.
Ngumisi si Rowena habang tinatanaw ako. I know that people in this town despise our
family so bad because of what my mother did to Jax's father years ago. Siguro hindi
lang iyong galit na iyon ang nararamdaman ni Rowena para sa akin.
"What is it, Amber?" he commanded when he realized I am not talking.
"Puwede ba kitang makausap ng tayo lang?"
Humalakhak si Rowena at hinaplos ang braso ni Jaxon. I winced at that movement,
slowly getting angry by the moment.
"Anong puwede mo pang sabihin sa akin na hindi puwedeng marinig ni Rowena?" he
asked in an amused tone.
Nanginig ang labi ko. Mabilis na namuo ang luha sa aking mga mata.
"Quit the fucking drama, Amber!" he spat mercillesly.
I swallowed the bile on my throat. Isang kalabit na lang, isisigaw ko ang alam ko
pero sa huling sandali, naduwag ako. Tinalikuran ko siya at umambang tumakbong
tatahakin ang rock formations, hindi bale na kung masugatan ako o ano, basta
makaalis sa harap ng dalawa.
It's stupid to try and tell him that! It's a fucking stupid desicion!
Mas gugustuhin ko pang pagalitan ni Mommy! Mas kakayanin ko pa ang litanya niya
tungkol sa kung gaano siya ka disappointed sa akin kesa harapin at sabihin sa
lalaking ito ang totoo! He does not deserve to know that we're having a baby! He
does not have to know! I'm sure my family can accept me! I'm sure I can do it
alone! No matter if I'm just eighteen!
Bumuhos ang luha ko habang tumatakbo pero bago ako makatahak sa batuhan, hinila
niya na ako. Pumiglas agad ako, para bang alam kong gagawin niya ito para mas lalo
pa akong mapahiya.
"Bitiwan mo 'ko, Jaxon!" sigaw ko.
It was quite a struggle for me but when I opened my eyes to see him, it's not a big
deal to him. Isang hugot lang sa akin at pumirmi lang siya sa kinatatayuan niya,
huling-huli niya na ako, hindi na makakawala.
His sunburned hand in golden tan, is in contrast with my paper white arm that's not
a bit red from the force he's giving. His touch made me tremble and shiver in both
fear and something else.
"Bitiwan mo ako!"
"Why are you here when you shouldn't be looking for me."
"Jaxon!"
"May sasabihin ka, 'di ba? I thought you're done talking to me so... Sabihin mo
na," he said in an amused but bitter tone.
"Bitiwan mo sabi ako!"
"I thought you're done with me. What is it now, huh?" mariin niyang bulong.
He crouched to reach my ear and to whisper vile words. Nagpupumiglas pa rin ako
pero hindi pa rin makawala.
"Anong iniiyak-iyak mo, hmm?" he said almost teasingly.
I pushed him away. Mas lalo lang nagdilim ang ekspresyon niya.
"Or you're back for more. Your rich boyfriend can't sate you."
I flushed profusely at his lewd words. Sinubukan ko pa ring kumawala pero wala
talaga yata siyang plano na bitiwan ako, kahit pa masaktan ako. Napuno ako sa poot
at frustration dahilan nang walang pag-aalinlangang sigaw ko sa harap niya.
"I'm pregnant, Jax! I'm pregnant! That's what I wanna tell you!" I said pleadingly.
Ang dilim sa kanyang mga mata ay nanatili ngunit unti-unti itong nabahiran ng
gulat. His hold of me weakened. Nakita ko ang pagkabalisa ni Rowena sa kanyang
likod pero hindi ko na ito pinagtuonan ng pansin.
Jaxon is watching me carefully. His lips slowly rose on the sides and his eyes were
slowly calming, too.
"Hindi ako nandito para kaawaan mo o pilitin kang panagutan mo ako! I have the
decency to tell you the truth because I know we both committed this! I can raise my
child alone. I just want to inform you that! That's all!" sigaw ko at tinalikuran
na siyang muli.
Hindi na siya nakahawak sa akin kaya nakadiretso na ako sa batuhan.
"Amber, sa kabila ka na-" he groaned when he realized that I will not take his
advice.
I heard him mutter a curse bago dumiretso sa akin at patalikod akong inangat sa
kanyang bisig. Tumili ako at muling pumiglas.
"Bitiwan mo 'ko, Jax!"
I am on his arms wriggling bad while he's trying to balance himself on the sharp
rocks.
"Stop moving or we'll fall. Damn it!" he said a bit calmly now.
"I don't care basta bitiwan mo ako! Bumalik ka na roon sa kalaguyo mo!" I screamed
bitterly with tears in my eyes.
Kung hindi lang ako magalaw, mas malinaw sana ang nakita kong ekspresyon sa kanya.
Pero dahil magulo ako, hindi ako sigurado kung ngisi ba ang nakita ko. All I know
now is that I want to get as far away from him as possible. I'll never forget how I
endured the past weeks. Nadiligan kong mabuti ang galit na binuo at hindi na ito
mawawala sa akin. Hindi sa simpleng ngisi na nakikita ko sa kanya ngayon.
When we're safely on sand, binaba niya ako. I pushed him away and I ran as fast as
I could away from him.
"Amber!" mababang boses ang sigaw niya.
I heard him curse again.
"Pupunta ako sa inyo. Isasama ko si Papa!" he declared but it's too late.
Nagpatuloy ako sa pagtakbo hanggang sa nasa loob na ako ng hotel. I found my way to
my Mother's office. I was already panting so bad at hilong-hilo na dahil sa
pagtakbo at sa mga emosyong naramdaman nang dumating ako sa pintuan ni Mommy.
My stomach hurt a bit but I didn't mind it. Bago pa dumating si Jaxon kasama si
Tito Achilles dito, gusto kong kausapin si Mommy.
Lumabas ang isang manager galing sa opisina niya, pumasok naman ako. Nadatnan ko si
Mommy roon, nagkakape at halos nanlalaki ang mga mata nang makita ang ayos ko.
Tumayo siya, nag-aalala na. Kinakapos na ako sa hininga dahil sa pagtakbo pero
nagpatuloy pa rin ako. I hugged my Mommy in the hopes that while telling her the
truth, she'd pity me.
"Mom, I'm pregnant..." I said it.
"Amber? What's wrong?" she asked, ignoring my words.
"Mommy, buntis po ako..." I said pleadingly.
"H-Huh?"
Tinulak niya ako ng bahagya, gustong kumalas sa aking pagkakayakap. Kumalas ako
para hindi siya lalo ma irita. Nakita ko ang sindak sa mukha niya habang tinatanaw
ko. Slowly, it dawned on her what I just said.
"Amber... this is not funny... This is..." umiling iling si Mommy.
Tumango ako habang umiiyak. Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko.
"Mommy, I tried the pregnancy test twice. It had the same results. I've been
feeling sick for the past few days and... Nasabi ko na rin po kay... Jaxon-"
"Amber!"
Umalingawngaw ang sigaw ni Mommy sa buong hotel. My stomach hurt so much and I am
dizzy but I need to get through this.
"Nababaliw ka na ba?!" her voice was very strained from horror and shouting.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mom."
"Sa lahat pa ng lalaki, sa lalaki pang iyon talaga?"
"Mommy, ang tagal na noong nangyari sa inyo ni Tito Achilles! Ano pa bang-"
"You stupid girl!" she screamed. "Iyan lang ba ang alam mo? Nieves went out of the
country because Jaxon's brother tried to violate her!"
Namilog ang mga mata ko sa sinabi ni Mommy. I was so stunned because I never heard
of that. Snow... went out of the country because of what?
"I know what happened so I reported it! That family is angry at us at kung ano man
ang kasinungalingang sinabi ni Jaxon sa'yo, sigurado akong para lang iyon maloko ka
at makaganti!" nanggagalaiting sinabi ni Mommy.
Nalaglag ang panga ko. That explains why everyone seemed to hate me in this town.
Akala ko dahil lang kay Mommy at kay Tito Achilles! Bago ko pa marinig ang mga
sumunod na sinabi ni Mommy, naramdaman ko na ang likidong dumantay sa aking binti.
Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa sahig at nakita ang halos pabilog na pagdanak ng dugo.
Mommy screamed, halos mabingi ako. And then everything slowly fell and went black.
It hurt. That's all I know. Kahit pa halos wala naman akong malay at mga boses lang
ang naririnig ko sa buong panahon.
Nagtagal pa bago ako nagkaroon ng lakas na idilat ang mga mata. Hinang-hina ang
pakiramdam ko pero isa lang ang nasa isip ko.
I saw my Mom in the backround of it all. Tumayo ang isa pang imahe ng babae at nang
luminaw ang tanaw ko, nakita kong si Tita Athena iyon.
"Ate Marem, Amber's awake..." Tita Athena said.
Mabilis na dumalo si Mommy sa akin. Hinawakan niya kaagad ang kamay ko. Weariness
and concern is etched on her face.
"Darling, how are you feeling?" she asked.
Hindi iyon ang pangunahing concern ko sa ngayon. I opened my dry mouth and wonder
why I feel so weak.
"Mommy, anong nangyari kanina? Ba't ako nahimatay?" tanong ko.
Nagkatinginan sila ni Tita Athena. Tito Solomon is behind them, a bit gloomy and
dark.
"Pinatulog ka lang muna, Amber. At hindi kanina 'yong nangyari. Kahapon pa. You
should really rest more, darling..."
Iginala ko ang tingin sa buong silid. I'm in a hospital. Bakit ako pinatulog? May
nakakabit na tubo sa kamay ko at medyo masakit ang tiyan ko pababa.
"We'll immediately arrange our papers. We will leave for Manila once you get better
and kapag talagang ayos ka na, we'll go abroad with your Dad," si Mommy sa isang
malamyos na tinig.
Hindi ko maintindihan ang biglaang mga sinabi ni Mommy. I know that everything is
getting hard in our family but why are we rushing?
"K-Kumusta po ang baby ko?" iyon lamang talaga ang importante sa akin.
I don't wanna hear my Mommy's plans because of my condition. I just want to know if
my baby's okay.
Hindi pa nakakapagsalita si Mommy, tinabunan na ni Tita Athena ang kanyang mukha at
bahagya nang tumagis. Kinabahan agad ako. Mas lalong lumapit si Mommy sa akin at
mas lalong naging marahan.
"Amber, we'll worry about it when you're okay."
What? Kumalabog ang puso ko. Unti-unti kong naramdaman ang pagkaligalig sa sagot ni
Mommy.
"Anong ibig n'yong sabihin?" my tone rose.
Lumapit si Tito Solomon kay Tita Athena at niyakap niya ito. Mommy looked
remarkably cautious but I'm growing rigid by the second.
"What happened?" alingawngaw ng boses ko.
"You lost the baby, Amber," Mommy broke the news.
"W-What..."
Alam kong hindi naging maganda ang reaksyon nang malaman ko ang tungkol doon. Alam
kong naging kabado ako sa mga panahong pinagdudahan ko ang kalagayan ko. Alam kong
naisip ko na hindi ako handa. Pero kailanman, hindi ko hiniling na ganito ang
mangyari para lang masulusyunan iyon!
I am very young, just eighteen. I had my mistakes and the consequence of it is
served. I am taking that responsibility even when I'm scared and immature. I'm
scared but I never wished for it to go that way.
"W-Why, Mommy?"
"Shh..."
"S-Si Jaxon! Sinabi ko sa kanya... H-He said he'll come to us and bring-"
"Stop thinking about that stupid man, Amber, and for once in your life listen to
me!"
"Ate!" pagbabanta ni Tito Solomon.
Gulat, pighati, at sakit na pinaghalo ang naramdaman ko. Hindi ko na alam kung ano
pa maaari ang sasabihin ko. The only thing on my mind now is that I lost my baby.
Is this true? Am I dreaming? I was slowly and slowly trying to accept and adjust...
and then...
"Sinabi ko na kay Jaxon at Achilles ang nangyari sa'yo! His bastard of a son went
ballistic and insisted to come here pero hindi ko pinayagan kaya sila na mismo ang
kinausap ng doktor! He went home and I was told that he's already womanizing after
knowing na nawala mo ang bata, Amber!"
"What..." nanghihina ang tinig ko.
"Oo!"
My tears fell from the sides of my eyes. I swallowed hard and accepted the fact
that it's not his fault from the very beginning.
Unfortunately, I can imagine Jaxon doing that.
"That cruel man probably liked what happened dahil wala na siyang pananagutan
sa'yo!"
The truth hurts like hell. Alam kong kaya ako nasasaktan sa sinabi ni Mommy ay
dahil alam kong totoo iyon.
"This is all my fault! I thought I'm saving you from your possible downfall in
Manila!" nanginginig na sinabi ni Mommy. "Hindi ko naisip na maaaring dito ka
pa..."
Humagulhol si Mommy sa aking kamay. Worn and tired, I breathed normally. Sa sobrang
sakit, namamanhid na ako. I lost my child. I lost my baby before I got to know him
or her. Jaxon is not important now. I can only think of my baby.
"Ang dami-dami nating pangarap, Amber. Bakit ganito?"
Mommy is crying for the dreams I've lost because of this incident. I'm crying for
the baby I lost.
"Gusto ko man na matupad mo ang mga pangarap mo, ayaw ko rin naman ang nangyari
sa'yo... at sa anak mo... Darling, what can I do?" Mommy cried.
Hinagod ni Tito Solomon ang likod ni Mommy. Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko. I
bit back all the tears I am holding and finally coming up with a decision.
"And you're only eighteen. You have many dreams..." bigong sinabi ni Mommy.
"Ate..." si Tito Solomon. "Let Amber rest. Leave all the management of the hotels
to me for now until Snow comes back."
"Why is this happening to us?" Nagpatuloy sa pag-iyak si Mommy. "Why now?"
"Ate, leave the company to me," Tito Solomon offered even when I know he didn't
have any interest or anything for it. "Kailangan n'yong magpalamig ni Kuya Dencio
sa ibang bansa."
"I can't believe these are all happening all at once!" patuloy ni Mommy.
Nangilid ang panibagong luha sa aking mga mata.
May kasalanan si Mommy sa hotel. Nawalan ng ilang milyon ang hotel dahil sa
pagtitiwala ni Mommy sa ibang taong may masamang hangarin. Bukod pa roon, Daddy's
stocks are slowly failing in the market. Because of that, he lost power in some of
the companies he's in and he's been so sad after that.
"Take my advice, Ate. This is the only way," si Tito Solomon. "Para makapagpahinga
na rin si Amber."
"Mon is right, Ate. And maybe Amber can continue schooling abroad-"
"And we will leave like rats abroad because we have no more money!" histerya ni
Mommy.
"I'll send you some. Huwag kang mag-alala, magagawan ng paraan ni Kuya Dencio ang
lahat ng iyan. Trust. This is the only way."

[ 3 Kabanata1 ]
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Kabanata 1
Hate
"Is this for real?" my best friend asked me.
Phillie gave a huge sigh of disappointment when she finished her routine after me.
Nanatili akong nakahawa barre habang tinititigan ang sarili ko sa salamin. My feet
hurt from overdoing it. Alam ko kasi na kapag tuluyan na nga akong lumipat sa
probinsyang iyon, hindi na ulit ako makakapag ballet ng ganito.
"I'll find a way for her to make me come back," sagot ko.
"Your mother should know better, Amber!" she ranted habang nauupo at naghuhubad na
ng ribbons at sapatos.
I spaced out while looking at my face that's as pale as snow. It is only coloured
with a pink glow on my cheeks. My round upturned eyes are highlighted with my thick
and curled lashes. Bata pa lang ako, nakatatak na sa utak ko kung ano ang gusto
kong maging, ayon kay Mommy.
I was enroled in ballet classes, art classes and personality development classes.
She let me join prestigious pageants and stopped after I won a national title. Ang
sabi ni Mommy, sa modeling na lang ako mag concentrate at ayaw niya sa beauty
pageant. I even heard her call it cheap. It's fine with me, though. I like modeling
more.
"You just won a pageant and big modeling companies are after you now! Hindi ba iyon
ang gusto niya para sa'yo? To also join the international scene and high end
fashion modeling abroad? Paano ka maeexpose?"
I know that my friend doesn't really care about that part of me. Ngumisi ako at
sinulyapan si Phillie. Napakurap-kurap siya. Her shoulder-length curly hair made an
artsy nod and she rolled her eyes.
"Well, I don't support you on that pero mas susuportahan kita sa pagmomodel mo,
kesa sa pag-alis mo ng Manila!" she lamented.
"I know I'll find a way," ulit ko dahil malaki ang tiwala kong gaya dati, hindi ako
patatagalin ni Mommy sa mainit at nakakabagot na lugar na iyon.
I will be leaving our home in Alabang for good, that's according to my Mom. Nasabi
niya na rin iyan noon, about four years ago. When my cousin Nieves decided to go
abroad and stop managing the main branch of our chain of hotels, si Mommy ang
pumalit. Sinabi niya rin sa akin ito, na roon na ako mag-aaral.
I stayed there for a couple of months. She realized that I better finish highschool
in Manila instead. Sobrang saya ko nang napagdesisyunan niya iyon. I don't like
that hot and humid place. I don't like the province. I am not interested with the
shore and all its promises. Walang mall na puntahan kapag bored, walang mga
kaibigan, walang formal parties na madalas naming daluhan ni Daddy rito sa Manila.
"You think this has something to do with Harper?" she asked.
Huminga ako ng malalim. "I don't know why Mommy is just so strict with it."
"Right. Hindi pa naman kayo magpapakasal. Good thing my parents aren't like
that..."
Pagod akong ngumiti sa kay Phillie. Nakakainggit nga. Their family is known to be
very modern and well-bonded. Bata pa nang namulat siya sa pagsama sa mga pinsan
niyang lumabas o 'di kaya magbakasyon. Meanwhile, I'm raised this way. Even in my
go-sees I have a chaperone and a bodyguard. I can't go anywhere without the
knowledge of my parents.
"I'd rebel if they were like that!" she declared dramatically.
Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. Slowly, her smile went wider.
"Itutuloy mo?"
I have never rebelled against my parents... or my mother... my entire life. Pero
ang desperation na nararamdaman ko ngayon ay sobrang tindi na. I am now seventeen
and I still can't even go to the mall alone with my friends. Ang pinakamatagal kong
pagdalo sa isang formal birthday parties is just seven in the evening unless my
parents are invited, too.
"Oo." I smiled sheepishly. "Handa na rin si Harper."
"Really? But... aren't you scared? Your Mom is pretty scary."
"Bumalik na siya ng Costa Leona. Dad is in Singapore for his stocks so I would be
alone in our house tonight. I just need to fool my bodyguard and driver. They won't
report it to my Mom immediately. Takot lang nila na pagalitan."
"Seriously, Amber?"
I smiled more and nodded.
Today is Harper's birthday. Wala ang mga magulang niya sa kanila kaya magkakaroon
siya ng birthday party. Me and my friends are also invited. It would be weird na sa
lahat ng kaibigan niya, ang girlfriend niya pa ang hindi makakadalo. That's why I
am going today, no matter what. If I ever rebel, I'd rebel for this.
Pinagplanuhan na namin ito ng boyfriend ko. Akala ko hindi na namin magagawa dahil
biglaang umuwi si Mommy noong nakaraan. Mabuti na lang at bumalik naman siya agad
dahil marami siyang ginagawa roon.
I closed the locker door. Handa na ako. Nakapagpalit na rin ako ng idadamit para sa
party mamaya. Phillie will be picked up by her cousins and some of our friends.
"M-Manong..." medyo nanginginig ang boses ko nang banggitin iyon sa driver sa isang
tawag.
Nakatanaw si Phillie sa akin, excited sa gagawin. Meanwhile, I am very tensed.
"Hindi ko pala dala ang extra t-shirt ko. Wala rin sa locker. Puwede bang bilhan mo
na lang muna ako ng damit. Hindi kasi ako makalabas sa sobrang p-pawis," I said.
"Ganoon po ba? Sige, Ma'am. Nandito naman si Viktor, kung sakaling may kailangan
ka."
"Ah! Pakisabi kay Viktor na pabili na lang ako ng burger sa fastfood. Gutom po kasi
ako. Kung ikaw pa po ang bibili, baka matagalan ka pa."
I'm sweating bullets. Imagining and planning for this felt so easy. Now that I'm
doing it, I realized it's hard. Bukod sa kinakain ako ng guilt sa gagawin ko sa
driver at bodyguard. Nakakatakot pang isipin na malalaman ito ni Mommy.
"Sige po. Bibili na siya ngayon."
"Thanks, Manong. Maghihintay na lang po ako rito," kalmado kong sinabi bago pinatay
ang tawag.
Now, I want to back out. Kabado na ako at halos magdesisyon nang manatili na lang
dito sa studio at huwag nang siputin si Harper. My phone rang afterwards. Mabilis
ko iyong sinagot.
"Harper..." Magsisimula na sana ako sa paghingi ng tawad pero...
"Your car and bodyguard left. Lumabas ka na, Amber..."
"H-Huh? Uhmm..."
"Come on, what are you waiting for? We waited for a long time for this. Isn't this
your birthday gift for me?"
I almost forgot about it. Huminga ako ng malalim bago sumagot.
"Palabas na ako. Susunduin si Phillie ng mga pinsan niya. Didiretso na ako sa'yo."
Panandalian lang ang kaba ko nang sumakay na sa sasakyan ni Harper. He kissed me
nang nakalayo na kami roon. He's in college now so he can drive his own car.
Ngumiti ako nang nakitang tinawagan niya ang mga kaibigan niya at sinabi niyang
naisakay niya na ako sa sasakyan.
Harper is very boyish in his denim jacket and dark pants. His wavy hair and tender
eyes made me fall for him. Haluan pa ng mundo niyang ibang-iba sa mundong
nakasanayan ko, I feel we compliment each other so much. Him, the rule breaker. Me,
the prim and proper. And it's sweet to know that he's my first boyfriend. Gaano man
ka strick si Mommy at Daddy, he found a way around it... to date me.
"You won't be going home tonight..." he smirked.
"Harper!" natawa ako. "I will be going home. Late, siguro. You know how it's going
to be if I don't."
"Tss. You broke your Mom's rules, anyway, then make it worth it."
Nag-isip ako. Kahit anong subok kong tanggapin ang sinasabi ni Harper, hindi ko
magawa. Takot ako.
"Saan naman ako matutulog?" I was serious when I asked that.
Mas lalo siyang ngumisi at tiningnan ako. Hinaplos niya ang pisngi ko at dinilaan
ang pang-ibabang labi. If he wasn't suggesting another headache, I'd feel so giddy
because of his move.
"My room, of course."
Kinabahan ako roon. I may be very sheltered but I know things like these. I'm
already seventeen and my friends are not exactly living the kind of life my parents
have it for me. Mas moderno sila at mas exposed sa mga ganitong bagay.
"Harper."
"Don't worry, alright? Akong bahala sa'yo."
Maayos at medyo malaki ang bahay nina Harper sa isang eksklusibong village sa
Quezon City. Marami na siyang kaibigan nang dumating ako roon kaya medyo abala ako
sa pakikipagbatian. Even his girl friends are here. Ang iba sa kanila, ramdam ko
ang pag-ayaw sa akin.
"Hi, Amber! Nice to see you!" bati sa akin ng iilang babaeng naroon.
"Hello." Tipid akong ngumiti.
Nang talikuran ko sila, narinig ko kaagad ang mga sinasabi.
"Sila pa rin pala?"
"They should just break up..."
My mood turned sour after I heard it. Ilan pang kaibigan ang ipinakilala sa akin ni
Harper, hindi na bumalik ang magandang mood ko. Mabuti na lang at naroon naman sina
Phillie at iilan pang kaibigan ko.
Gabi na nang sa wakas nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong maupo roon sa kanila. Ikukwento
ko sana ang nangyari pero dahil sa mga tanong ng iilang kaibigan, naalala ko ulit
ang ginawa ko.
"Buti pinayagan ka?" tanong ng isa.
Umiling ako at medyo dismayadong ngumiti.
"Tumakas 'yan!" Phillie announced.
"Wow! Talaga, Amber?"
"Yeah. I-I'll try to stay late bago ako magpahatid kay Harper," sabi ko.
"There you are, Amber! Kanina pa kita hinahanap!" si Harper na mabilis pinalupot
ang braso sa aking baywang.
My friends greeted him. Pagkain at inumin ang naiserve sa lamesa nila. Akala ko
mananatili kami ni Harper dito pero mali ako.
"Come on. Let's go... I have something to show you."
Nag-aalinlangan akong sumama pero sa huli, pumayag na ako. He introduced me to more
of his college friends. Isang oras ata kami sa kanilang lamesa at minsan hindi ko
na masundan ang pinag-uusapan. Luckily, Harper is a bit sensitive. Lalo na nang
nakita niyang humikab ako.
"Let's go..."
Dinala niya ako sa kanyang kuwarto. Matagal bago ako muling nakaramdam ng kaba
dahil sa ginawang pagrerebelde kay Mommy. Inisip ko tuloy kung ano na ang ginagawa
ng bodyguard at driver ngayon. Pinatay ko pa naman ang cellphone ko para hindi ako
matawagan o ma trace.
Harper closed the door behind us. It's my first time in his room. Sa ibang
pagkakataon, excited ako at natutuwa na makita ang silid ng boyfriend ko. Ngayon,
pinangungunahan na ako ng takot para sa driver at bodyguard ko.
"Dito muna tayo para makapagpahinga," aniya sabay upo sa kama.
Iginala ko ang mga mata sa kanyang kuwarto. It's also very boyish. Movie and band
posters are everywhere and his computer is on the side. Malinis naman ito at ang
sheets, kulay puti.
"Harper, uuwi na ako pagka nine."
He pulled me closer to him and dragged me to sit on his bed.
"Bakit ka ba nagmamadaling umuwi? Aren't you happy that you're finally free?" he
said sincerely.
Ngumiti ako. "I am. Pero tingin ko-"
"Tss. Amber, you've broken your mother's rules..."
Hinawakan niya ang aking batok at inilapit ng bahagya sa kanya.
"Make it worthwhile. Pagagalitan ka rin naman kung umuwi ka ng Nine o kung umuwi ka
ng umaga bukas."
"H-Huh?" Kinabahan ako roon.
"Ihahatid kita, okay? Wala naman ang Mommy mo, 'di ba?"
"Nagi-guilty kasi ako sa ginawa ko kina Manong. Baka sisantehin sila ni Dad."
"Mag sorry ka na lang at lambingin mo na lang ang Daddy mo para hindi mangyari
iyon, okay?"
I am not very convinced yet kaya nang halikan ako ni Harper, nanatili sa isipan ko
iyong mga hinaing ko.
"Harper..." I called in between kisses.
"Shh..." he said and kissed me more.
He was my first kiss. He wasn't my first crush but I thought then he was my love.
Dilat ang mga mata ko nang bumaba ang halik ni Harper sa aking panga at leeg. I
felt his hand on my clothed chest.
"Harper... I'm not yet ready for this," I said as I watch him so carried away,
kissing me.
"Don't worry. Leave it all to me, Amber," he whispered.
Naririnig namin ang maingay na music galing sa baba. Tinutugtog iyon ng mga
kaibigan niyang magagaling naman sa paghahalo ng electronic music. Kung hindi man,
electric guitar ang gamit. Sometimes it would stay silent dahil siguro sa pagbabago
ng tugtugin, but the silence right now, while he's thoroughly kissing me is just so
weird.
"Harper, parang nawala ang tugtog-"
"Shhh, Amber..."
Ihiniga niya ako sa kama. I obliged but I am on the verge of pushing him away once
I feel like it is too much.
"Harper!" sabi ko at sinubukan ulit siyang itulak.
Binalik niya ang halik niya sa aking labi. I got busy returning his kisses until I
felt his hand trying to get under my dress. I opened my eyes widely to push him
away again but before I can do that, sumabog ang pintuan ng kanyang kuwarto.
Nakahiga ako at nakadagan si Harper sa akin nang abutan kami ni Mommy sa kuwartong
iyon. Mommy in her all black longsleeve dress and a tight bun only needed to snap
her fingers bago kami sugurin ng mga bodyguards.
"W-Wait... Wait!" Harper cried out loud.
"Mommy!" sigaw ko at inayos ang sarili.
Mabilis kong dinaluhan si Harper. Hindi naman siya binugbog. Hinawakan lang ng mg
bodyguard. They pinned him on the wall. Bago pa ako makalapit, may humaklit na rin
sa akin at inilayo roon.
"Mom!"
Nagtilian ang iilang kaibigan ni Harper sa labas. Wala silang magawa. The
bodyguards are full grown men and defying or fighting them would only mean harm.
Nagpumiglas ako.
"Mommy, huwag mong saktan si Harper, please! It's my fault! It's my plan!"
Nakalapit ako kay Mommy habang hinihila na ako ng mga bodyguard palabas doon. She
looked at me with extreme disappointment in her eyes bago binalik ang tingin sa
buong kuwarto... pagkatapos kay Harper.
She looked at everything with so much disgust in her expression. Para bang may
mabaho kung makatingin siya kay Harper.
"Ma'am, I'm sorry, please..." Harper cried.
"Leave all the filth and put my daughter in the car," my Mommy commanded.
Nakakahiya iyon. Nakita ng lahat ng naroon at nagulo ng husto ang party dahil doon.
Nakita ko pang pinagsabihan ni Mommy ang mga kaibigan ko habang ako, nasa loob ng
SUV. Napaiyak na lang ako sa kahihiyang natamo at takot na rin. Medyo kumalma ako
nang pumasok si Mommy sa sasakyan at umandar na ito palayo roon.
She scanned the whole village with the same disgust in her eyes. Humihikbi pa ako.
I tried to say my apologies but she didn't hear me. She ignored me the whole trip
to our house. Sa bahay na siya tuluyang nagalit. Sa sala pa lang, naramdaman ko na.
"You stupid girl!" she exploded.
"Mommy, I'm sorry-"
"You disobeyed me for a filthy poor boyfriend?"
Nagulat ako sa sinabi ni Mommy. Hindi na ako makagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko, kahit pa
anong gusto kong paglapit sa kanya.
"At nahuli pa kitang ganoon ang ayos, Amber? Hindi kita pinalaking sinungaling,
bastos, at walang breeding!"
"I'm sorry, Mom-"
"Did you purposely plan this so that could happen, huh? You disgusting girl!"
nanggagalaiti niyang sigaw.
"Gusto ko sanang magpaalam ng mabuti, pero alam kong hindi mo 'ko papayagan,
Mommy!"
Lumapit siya sa akin, galit na galit. She put her hand bag down on our sofa.
Tumigil ako sa pagsasalita dahil sa takot sa kanya.
"Hindi kita papayagan, dahil hindi kita pinalaki ng ganito para lang mahulog sa
lalaking katulad niya!"
Bumuhos ang luha ko. I can't believe that I am hearing this from her.
"He doesn't even have a name in the society! He only has money because his parents
are working abroad and beyond that... nada! Walang breeding! Walang halaga! You are
a Sevilla for heaven's sake! I raise you to be a better lady than this but you're
choosing that filthy garbage?"
"Mommy, ang sakit n'yo namang magsalita! Harper is a good boy and his family is
nice! I love him!"
"Tumigil ka sa love-love na ilusyon mo at hindi iyan totoo! Masasaktan ka lang, sa
huli, ako pa rin ang tama! Gamitin mo ang utak mo! You are meant for better things
and if you ruined your life right now for a wrong man of inferior birth, then it's
done for you!"
"Puwede ba, Mommy? Stop being so mata-pobre and see the good in people! Money is
not everything-"
"You think there is good in that boy, Amber? Kung nakaya niyang hayaan kang suwayin
ako, ibig sabihin, bukod sa pulubi siya, bastos din! Break up with that filthy
rat!"
"No! I love him!" I said fiercely.
Kitang-kita ko ang pag-usbong ng panibagong galit sa mga mata ni Mommy.
Long ago, I heard that my Mommy married my Daddy only for his money. Dad's family
is an old rich family of the country. His great grandfather was once the President
of the Philippines. Hindi na nga nagtrabaho pa si Lolo at Lola noon dahil sa
sobrang yaman nila, they can live a thousand years in luxury, without having to
work.
My Mom is also from a rich family but her ancestors were known for being genuises
in business, kaya sila umangat, bukod pa sa rich Basque blood. Still, they are not
really as rich as my Dad's side of the family. However, times are changing. My Dad
has to invest his money and play with stocks just so we can live a luxurious and
stress-free life. This is the root of my mother's obsession for the society.
Minsan, iniisip ko, she raised me this way to I could be like her. Minsan, tulad
ngayon, nakukumpirma ko ito. She looks down on the boy I love just because she
thinks he is not that rich in her standards.
"You stupid child! One day, you will thank me for being this kind of mother to
you!"
Sa nanginginig na kamay, dinampot niya ang handbag at mabilis na kinuha ang
cellphone. She dialed someone's number while looking at me.
"Book me and my daughter a ticket to Caticlan. Early in the morning tomorrow."
My jaw dropped at that. Alam ko nang pupunta nga kami ng Costa Leona pero hindi ko
inasahang ngayon agad.
"But you said in two months! When the classes starts!" natataranta kong sinabi.
Tinalikuran niya ako, ayaw nang magpaliwanag pa sa naging desisyon.
"Mommy, please! Hindi pa ako nakakapagpaalam sa mga kaibigan ko. Mommy, you know
how much I hate that place. Please! Mommy, I hate it..." I cried.
I am desperate. I am dropping my last card in the hopes that she will realize how
this is such a wrong move.
"Hindi ba ikaw na rin ang nagsabi na mas mabuting sa Manila ako mag-aral kesa sa
probinsya na 'yon? Mommy, you'll regret this eventually! You said I shouldn't study
there, right? Please..."
"I'd rather you live in a province, than in a city and grow up this way..." she
said before finally marching on to our grand staircase.
Four years ago, Mommy brought me to that place. Umalis kasi ang pinsan ko kaya si
Mommy ang namahala sa aming hotel doon. Kasama namin si Daddy nang nagdesisyon si
Mommy na doon na kami tumira. At fourteen, I only cried because I will leave my
friends then. But I didn't have a choice.
The place was peaceful and very beautiful. I won't lie but I am entertained by
everything. I am not very fond of the sea and the heat of that summery place but I
slowly learned to love it. Isa lang ang napansin ko sa lugar na iyon.
"Ikaw na ang magbigay niyan. Ayoko," I heard a waitress.
I ordered a cake and an orange juice then. Matagal ko nang napapansin na hindi
masyadong maganda ang trato ng mga empleyado ng hotel o kahit ang mga kasambahay ng
mansyon sa akin pero hindi ko na inalintana, hanggang sa araw na iyon.
"Ayoko rin, 'no. Suplada. Mas malala pa yata kay..."
Nilingon ko sila. Nataranta sila ng kaonti at napilitan ang isang ihatid sa akin
ang tray. I smiled shyly at the girl.
"Thank you, po," banayad kong sinabi.
Nagtagal ang tingin ko sa babae para sana makausap siya saglit pero mabilis lang
ang tingin niya. Umalis din siya agad ng walang imik.
Ginalaw ko ang tinidor ng cake at ilang sandali lang, nilingon na ang mga
empleyadong nakatingin sa akin. I smiled at them but they didn't return it.
Naupo si Kael, ang aking pinsan, kapatid ni Snow, sa aking tabi. Kunot-noo ko
siyang binalingan.
"Kael..."
He turned to me. "Hmm?"
"Bakit parang galit ang mga tao rito sa akin?"
He turned back to his breakfast and shrugged.
"Guni-guni mo lang 'yan."
But I don't think so. That same day, I was just hanging out in that restaurant when
I saw Kael run towards a group of men. May kinausap siyang isa roon na sinagot
naman yata siya ng maayos. It was a tall and a bit younger man. Isang napakalaking
isda ang inilabas nila sa bangkang naka daong hindi kalayuan sa aming mansyon.
For amusement, I ran towards them to see what's up. Tutal naroon naman si Kael.
Maybe he can introduce me to those people, huh? So I can also have new friends
here.
Bumaling ang lalaki sa akin. His piercing serious eyes made a swift run through me.
Tipid akong palakaibigang ngumiti. Nang tuluyang nakalapit, pumagitna ako sa kanila
ni Kael.
"Ano 'yan?" tanong ko habang tinitingnan ang napakalaking isda.
It was aimed for a conversation with anyone but Kael was busy talking to the other
older fishermen and the only one who probably heard me is the younger one beside
me. Nilingon ko siya pero hindi siya nakatingin sa akin. Abala siya sa isda at mga
balde.
"Ano 'yan?" ulit ko sabay turo sa isda. "Anong isda 'to at saan n'yo nahuli?"
I am serious when I say he heard me. I made my voice loud and clear. Nilingon ko
ang isa pang mas matandang mangingisda nang naramdaman ang konting hiya dahil hindi
ako pinapansin ng binata.
"Anong isda po ito?" I asked again, directed at the older fisherman now.
Bumuka ang bibig ng lalaki pero tinikom din nang nagkatinginan sila ng katabi ko. I
turned to the man beside me again, this time, my confidence is just slowly
diminishing. Can't they hear me?
"Tuna. Jax, ihatid mo na 'to," an older man said at binalingan nito ang lalaking
nasa tabi ko.
Kunot na ang noo ng lalaki. Sumulyap siya sa akin bago kinuha ang iilang balde at
umalis na roon kasama ang grupo.
It wasn't the first or last time I've been treated badly in that town. Lahat ng
tagpo sa buong bakasyon kong iyon, naging masama at weirdo. I heard hearsays that
it's because of my Mom. Naging malupit ba si Mommy doon? Bakit ako kasali, kung
ganoon? Bakit sila masama sa akin?
I don't understand. Soon... I hated the place. I dread coming back. Gumawa ako ng
maraming iba pang dahilan kung bakit ayaw ko roon. I hate the sea. I hate the sun.
I hate the salty air. I hate the strong waves. I hate the windmills I see on their
mountain ranges. I hate the province life. I hate the heat. I hate summer. I hate
the people.
They hate me as I hate them.
Sa dami ba naman ng hindi magandang tagpo ko roon, hindi na rin ako nagtaka nang
nagdesisyon si Mommy na tuluyan na nga akong ibalik sa Manila. I just hope that
it's going to be that way, too, when I come back. I just hope she'll realize that I
am not welcome in that town. Everyone will only bully me and that will destroy me
more than having Harper as my boyfriend.

[ 4 Kabanata2 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 2
Friends
I fisted on the fine sand of the shores of Costa Leona. Tinapon ko ang buhangin ng
wala sa sarili. Sa kabilang kamay, pinalis ko ang mga luhang lumandas sa mga
pisngi.
Early this morning, we headed for the airport for the flight. Magtatanghali pa
lang, nandito na ako sa aming mansion. The old spanish-inspired house still looks
extravagant compared to the modern-designed houses I saw back in Manila. The
grounds in front of it is covered by green grass, na unti-unti ring nawawala at sa
'di kalayuan, napalitan ng buhangin. Beside this lot is the right wing of The
Coast's big hotel building.
Tumunog ang cellphone ko at hindi magkanda apuhap ang paghagilap doon. It's Harper
and I've been calling him since I got here.
"Hello," nanginginig ang boses ko.
"Hello..." halatang kagigising lang.
"I'm sorry kagabi. I'm sorry talaga. And on your birthday!"
"It's okay. The party resumed pagka uwi mo. Medyo nakakahiya lang. Umuwi na rin
sina Rem kasama ang mga pinsan niya."
"Nasabi nga ni Phillie kanina."
"Are you grounded?" he asked. "Can I come near your house?"
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. "Harper... kasi... nasa Costa Leona ako."
"Costa Leona?"
"Sa probinsya ni Mommy sa Aklan. Umalis kami kaninang umaga at-"
"You're going to be there for the whole summer?"
"Ang sabi kasi ni Mommy baka rito na ako mag-aral. Hindi ko sinabi sa'yo noon kasi
iniisip kong makakagawa pa ako ng paraan para bumalik diyan."
"Amber! Are you serious?" tumaas ang tono ng boses niya.
"Gagawa ako ng paraan, Harper. If you can just be patient and..."
"Fine. Then I'll wait until you find a way to come back here. Matutulog muna ako.
Inaantok pa ako."
"Harper!"
Narinig ko na ang pagkamatay ng linya. Niyakap ko ang aking mga tuhod at pinikit na
lang ang mga mata roon. I hate this place. Ito pa ang magiging dahilan ng pag-aaway
namin ni Harper. If only I can just convince Mommy that this is the worst place
ever.
Umihip ang malakas na hangin dahilan ng lagaslas ng mga dahon. My hand heated a bit
so I opened my eyes. Nakita kong nadadaanan ito ngayon ng sinag ng araw dahil sa
pagkakahawi ng mga dahon sa hangin. I moved my hand to get some shade. Muling
humangin at ngayon ang buong katawan ko na ang nahanap ng sinag ng araw.
Pagod akong bumuntong-hininga at tatayo na sana nang nakita ko ang anino sa
buhangin. Tumayo ako at tiningnan ang pinsan.
Mikael is taller than me now. Although, I know I'm a year older than him pero kung
titingnan ang ayos naming dalawa, tila mas bata ako, at siya ang nakakatanda.
"Kael..." I smiled weakly. "How are you?"
"Fine."
"Dito ka ba natutulog sa mansion? Hindi kita nakita kanina nang dumating kami ni
Mommy."
"Maaga akong nagising. Sumama ako sa mga mangingisda," he said.
Napakurap-kurap ako. Now that he mentioned it. I noticed the huge change of his
skin color. Kung hindi ko lang siya sa mukha unang nakita, hindi ko siya
makikilala. I'd think he's one of those men I usually see on this town's village.
"Tita Marem wants me to check on you here."
Mapait akong ngumiti. Hindi ko alam kung alam niya ba kung bakit ako narito ulit o
hindi.
"Gusto mo bang sumama sa akin sa bayan? May iniutos siya sa akin. Baka lang
nababagot ka at gusto mong sumama."
Given my past experiences in going out of this mansion so many years ago, I don't
think I like his idea.
"Hindi na, Kael. Dito na lang ako."
Tumango siya. "Sige. Magbibihis lang ako ng damit. Kung magbabago ang isip mo,
sabihin mo lang."
I smiled faintly and let him go to the mansion. Sumunod naman ako sa kanya ilang
sandali ang lumipas. Nang natapos na siya sa pag-aayos at pagbibihis, pinagmasdan
ko na lang ang pag-alis niya galing sa kuwarto ko.
I remained that way for the next two weeks. It was very easy for me since ganoon
naman ang ginagawa ko sa bahay namin tuwing walang ballet class at iba pa. I call
my friends every now and then and Phillie regrets encouraging me about what I did.
Samantala, laking inggit ko sa palagiang pag-alis ni Harper. He would go to
vacations with his family or his friends. Sometimes, he's too busy to answer my
calls and texts that a whole day will pass us by without communicating.
Hindi kami halos magkausap ni Mommy. She's very cold towards me and I'm growing
lonelier and lonelier each passing day. My only human interaction in this place is
with Kael. Hindi pa gaanong masalita ang pinsan ko kaya wala rin. Hindi ko rin kasi
alam ang mga hilig niya o ang mga ginagawa niya kaya wala akong masabi.
The few househelps of the mansion don't talk to me much, gaya ng dati. Ni hindi ako
tinitingnan. Minsan, sinubukan kong makipag-usap sa isa pero nawala rin ang usapan.
"Taga rito po ba kayo?"
Tumango lang ang kasambahay pagkatapos magsalin ng juice sa aking baso.
"Saan po ba ang bahay n'yo? Malapit lang?"
"Yes, Ma'am. Excuse me po..." she said and walked away without looking at me.
It's been five days now since I last talked to Harper. Ang sabi ni Phillie,
magbreak na daw kami at mukhang nambababae raw. Tuwing nagtatanong ako kay Harper
kung may ibang babae siya, lagi niyang sinasabi na wala naman.
"Sino bang manloloko ang aamin, Amber? Manloloko nga ang tawag, 'di ba, kasi
lolokohin ka?" giit ni Phillie.
"Ayokong husgahan siya, Phillie. It was my fault why we are apart now. My fault why
we couldn't communicate much-"
"My Gosh, Amber! Don't take all the blame! If he really loves you, he'd find a way
for you to communicate!"
Sometimes, when I'm so frustrated, I say things like that to Harper.
"Harper, if you really love me, you'll find a way to communicate. Hindi ba? Ang
sabi ni Phillie-"
"Naniwala ka naman sa brat mong kaibigan na 'yon, Amber? Alam mo namang sinisiraan
lang ako ng mga 'yan, 'di ba?"
"I can't help it. They all got a point, Harper. Kahit isang text lang naman. I
would understand if you're not online but you are-"
"Alam mo... sige... Maniwala ka sa kanila!"
I bit my lower lip. This is so stressful.
Siguro nga, masyado akong bored. I'm staring at the ceiling the whole day while
they are all busy with their lives. Kaya kung anu-anong pumapasok sa utak ko.
"Tutal, diyan ka naman magaling. Madali ka namang naloloko."
"That's not what I meant," kalmado kong sinabi.
"Hindi, Amber. Nakakapagod ka kasi. Nagsasaya ako rito tapos tatawag ka para
mambadtrip? Alam mo, mas mabuti pang break na muna tayo."
"What?"
"Oo. Sinabi mong uuwi ka, ah. Mag dadalawang buwan na, hindi ka pa rin umuuwi. Ikaw
pala 'tong nagsisinungaling sa akin. Ginagawa mo akong tanga."
"I said I'll try. Mommy is just so hard-"
"Sige na... Sige na... Ibababa ko na 'to. Huwag ka nang tumawag hanggang hindi ka
pa nakakauwi."
"Harper, why are you breaking up with me with just..."
Wala na siya sa linya. Wala na rin akong nagawa.
The frustration had been going on for so long that hearing him breaking up with me
was just another addition to it. Hindi na ako nagtaka kung bakit sama ng loob na
lang ang naramdaman ko, hindi na umiyak.
I stared at my plate. We're having dinner here in The Coast's restaurant. Si Mommy
sa harap ko, si Kael naman sa kanan. Mommy sipped on her wine as she watch me play
with my food, zoning out.
"Your father will arrive tomorrow for a vacation here."
Napatingin ako kay Mommy. Between her and Dad, mas close ako kay Daddy. But I know
he'll never let me have it my way. He's too giving to Mommy in terms of
disciplining me and the likes. Kahit na ganoon, masaya pa rin ako na nandito siya
bukas.
"He will help me with the hotel's meetings with some builders and contractors I
know."
"Magtatagal po ba siya rito?" tanong ko.
"Maybe. 'Tsaka bukas... magkasama kayo ni Kael na titingnan ang magiging escuelahan
mo. You will take up Business, since their courses are not that varied here."
Pagod akong tumango. Ilang beses ko na siyang pinilit na iuwi na ako ng Manila
pero, lagi sa mga pagkakataong iyon, nag-aaway lang kami ni Mommy. I don't want
another row for tonight. I'm too exhausted with my conversation with Harper.
"Stop being so upset for the people who are not for you," si Mommy.
Hindi ko alam na nahahalata niya pala ang mas mababa kong disposisyon sa araw na
iyon.
"Aren't you happy that I am setting you free in this place compared to Manila?"
Ayaw ko naman dito kaya wala akong pakealam sa kalayaang sinasabi niya. She knows
that I won't bother going anywhere so she's so proud to say that she's setting me
free.
"If you do good, I'd let you come to your Dad once in a while. Make that your
motivation."
I want to be motivated by it but I'm just too sad to be. Pagkatapos ng dinner,
umuwi na rin kami at nagkulong na ako sa kuwarto. Naghanda na lang ako ng idadamit
bukas pagkatapos ay naligo na lang at natulog.
My Daddy's arrival will be later this afternoon. Kaya naman, nang umalis kami ni
Kael sa mansion, wala pang ibang taong naroon.
Akala ko iyong driver namin ang magdadrive. Nagulat ako nang si Kael na ang
nagmamaneho. He claims that he has a student driver I.D. and he's already good at
driving.
"Madalas akong utusan ni Tita Marem kung saan saan kaya natuto na rin ako."
"But you can always contact the drivers," I said.
"But I can do it, too. When the hotel is fully booked, you won't find much drivers
around so I'd rather drive myself to town."
"Ah. Pareho ba ang paaralan natin?"
"Hindi pero magkatabi lang."
I nodded. Nilingon ko ang bintana kung saan kita ang maraming windmills. Kung hindi
kalayuan ang escuelahan dito, nasisiguro kong tanaw ang tanawin na ito roon.
Tama nga ako. The car parked just a few meters from the school. Kitang-kita sa taas
ang tatak ng magkatabing paaralan. Isa pang kolehiyo at may mas malalaki at mas
maraming building. Sa malayong kabila naman, ang high school.
Bumaba si Kael kaya ganoon na rin ang ginagawa ko. May iilang estudyante ang
papasok at palabas sa escuelahan. Pare pareho silang may dalang brown envelope at
halatang mag-eenrol o kagagaling sa pag-eenrol.
Hindi pa kami nakakapasok, binalingan na kami ng iilan. Iilang babae ang nagbulong-
bulungan habang tinitingnan si Kael. Nang bumagsak ang titig sa akin, muling
bumalik sa mas tahimik na bulungan.
"Ibinilin ni Tita Marem sa akin ang mga dokumento mo. Sigurado ka na ba sa kukuning
kurso?"
"Yeah. I like fine arts but business would also do me good in time."
Nagtagal ang tingin ni Kael sa akin bago kami sabay na pumasok sa gate. May narinig
kaagad akong mga tumawag at bumati sa kanya. Kinawayan niya ang mga ito. Nang
nilingon ko, napawi ang ngiti ng mga iyon at tahimik na lang na tumitig.
I glanced at Kael. Binabasa niya na ang bawat label ng mga silid. Tinuro ko ang
isang banda kung saan may nakalagay na freshmen enrolment.
"Baka roon, Kael," sabi ko.
Tumango si Kael at nagtungo na kami sa itinuro ko. Nang humalo kami sa nakakarami,
nilingon niya ako.
"Dito ka muna. May pinapakiusap si Tita sa akin sa registrar. May itatanong lang
ako."
"Sige, Kael, salamat!"
Habang nag-uusap kami ni Kael kanina, hindi ko nakakaligtaan ang titig ng lahat ng
naroon sa akin. Tumigil ang katuwaan at napalitan ng bulungan. They turned their
head towards me and then back to their friends to whisper things. It's weird but
maybe... they just think that I am new here kaya ganoon.
Lumapit ako sa isang grupo ng babae. I smiled at them when they all looked at me.
One girl tried to smile too so I guess they can be friendly. Tumikhim ako at
nahiyang tumayo lang doon sa tabi nila habang nakatitig sila sa akin.
"Freshmen din ba kayo?"
Nagkatinginan ang grupo. Walang nagsalita sa kanila ni isa pero ang babaeng tipid
na ngumiti kanina ay bahagyang tumango naman ngayon.
Palakaibigan akong ngumiti at tumango na rin.
"Ako rin, e. Anong course n'yo? Baka magkaklase rin tayo?" sabi ko sabay gala ng
tingin sa kanilang grupo.
Nabitin sa ere ang labi ng mabait na tumugon kanina. Nagkatinginan ulit sila bago
may isang nagsalita.
"Tara na nga! Mag meryenda muna tayo. Gutom na ako!" she declared.
I swallowed hard. Mabilis silang umalis doon at naiwan akong mag-isa, malayo sa isa
pang grupo na nakatingin ulit sa akin. Maybe they think I'm a bad person? Do I look
like a bad person? Napatingin ako sa repleksyon ko sa salamin. Nakita ko roong may
grupo ulit ng mga babae ang nakatingin sa akin kaya nilingon ko sila at nginitian
na rin.
Nagkatinginan sila. Hindi pa nga ako nakakalapit o nakakapagsalita, umalis na sila
roon.
"Hindi ba 'yan 'yong..."
"Hindi 'yan! Mas bata."
"Hindi ko pa nakakalimutan ang ginawa ng pinsan niyang kay Kuya Sibal..." naririnig
ko ang usapan ng iilang lalaki sa likod ko.
Bumaling ako sa likod. Sa dami ng naroon, hindi ko sigurado kung sino ang naririnig
ko. Ang alam ko lang, nakatingin din sila sa akin.
"Anong sabi noon, nirape ni Sibal 'yong..."
I smiled at a group of girls who only laughed and rolled their eyes at me. Tumikhim
ako at bumaling na lang sa pintuang pinasukan ni Kael kanina.
"Sarap gumanti."
"Rape-in ko 'yan eh. Para ngayon, totoo na talaga!"
Nagtawanan ang mga lalaki. Nilingon ko ulit ang likod pero marami akong nakitang
nag-uusap at nagtawanan. Ipinagkibit balikat ko na lang iyon, hindi naiintindihan
ang lahat.
But what I did realize and remember is that... the people of this town are not very
friendly. Oo nga pala. Nakalimutan ko ba? I smiled bitterly to myself.
"Ayos na raw..." salubong ni Kael sa akin.
I felt so relieved when I saw Kael coming at me. May dala siyang papel na kailangan
kong sulatan ng mga detalye. Nagpasya kaming gumilid muna habang nagsusulat ako.
And while writing my details, my heart hurt thinking about my days ahead.
We ate our lunch on the school's cafeteria. Atas dos y media nang natapos namin ang
buong pag-eenrol ki. Tuluyan ko nang natanggap na talagang mag-aaral na ako rito. I
tried to smile again at some friendly looking girls but they looked away before I
could even speak.
"Mahihirapan yata akong makipagkaibigan dito, Kael. Mabuti ka pa marami ka nang
kaibigan," sabi ko nang naglakad na kami pabalik sa sasakyan.
"Hindi naman. You're friendly and even more sociable so for sure it'll be easy for
you."
Bumuntong hininga ako. "Ewan ko pero hindi ako makatiempo sa mga freshmen kanina."
Nilingon ako ni Kael. Malungkot ko siyang nginitian bago pumasok sa sasakyan.
"May iilan akong kakilala na magf-freshmen din o 'di kaya, nag-aaral na rito. Gusto
mo bago tayo umuwi, bumisita muna tayo roon?"
Tumango ako. I cannot easily say no to Kael's offer. Tanggap ko na na rito nga ako
mag-aaral sa ngayon. I will look like an outcast if I don't make friends or at
least acquaintances.
Niliko ni Kael sa isang lubak-lubak na bukana, hindi kalayuan sa entrance ng aming
hotel. It's an opening to a village of so many coconut trees and bushes. Tinigil
niya ang sasakyan malapit sa unang bahay na naroon. Galing doon, nakita ko na ang
nakahilerang mga bahay sa malayo. The houses there are made of both concrete and
wooden things. The first house we saw was, I think, the largest and the newest-
looking among others.
"Dito nakatira ang iilang classmates ko. Kaibigan ko rin ang mga nakatira sa bahay
na 'yan," si Kael sabay turo sa malaking bahay sa harap.
Tinanggal ko ang seatbelts at tumango na lang. Sabay kaming lumabas na dalawa.
Nakita ko agad ang grupo ng mga babae at lalaki na nang nakita ang pagpark ng
sasakyan, nagmamadali at nagtatawanang lumapit doon. The house in front of us also
had other people. Pero nagulat ako nang nakita ang isang pamilyar na lalaking
lumabas doon.
Tumikhim ako at nagpasalamat na nauna na si Kael sa akin. I have him to shield me
from the thrown looks of the people around. Halos sumiksik ako sa anino ng kanyang
katawan nang bumaling ang lalaking kalalabas lang sa bahay na iyon.
I remember that summer when I started hating the whole place. Lumunok ako at
binagsak ang tingin sa mga kamay kong nag-aaway at nagpipisilan.
"Kael, natagalan ka, ah? Akala ko ba..."
"Ah! Sinamahan ko pa ang pinsan kong mag enrol. Si Amber nga pala..." sabay lahad
ni Kael sa akin sa maraming kaibigan niya.
Tinapangan ko ang sarili. Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nginitian ang lahat.
"Nice to meet you all. I'm an incoming freshmen of business... I-I hope I can be
friends with you," sabi ko sa pormal na tono gaya ng nakasanayan.
I looked down.
"Nice meeting you."
Napatingin ako sa babaeng nagsabi noon. Nagkatinginan kami saglit bago niya
nilingon ang iilang kaibigan.
"Jack, may sadya nga pala ako..." si Kael sabay lapit sa lalaking tinukoy ko
kanina.
I was about to stop him from leaving me but I saw the man's smokey gray eyes
piercing through me. Nagkasalubong ang kilay niya but amusement is etched on his
sensual mouth. I cleared my throat silently as I hear my heart beating loudly for
some reason.
"Ano 'yon?" the man asked in a low voice.
I remember so many instances of that summer where I tried to speak to that man,
only to shut my mouth up. I suddenly remember everything so clearly that I almost
forgot how much I tried to block those thoughts away in my mind.
Jaxon Riego is one of Kael's close friends. Nabanggit ni Kael noon sa akin na
magkaibigan ang tatay ni Jax at si Mommy. That was when I was so sad, telling him
that the servers are mean to me... or nobody is friendly to me. Kaya naman nang
malaman kong kaibigan ni Mommy ang tatay ng lalaking iyon, I got desperate to gain
a friend because of that.
There were many instances where I failed to strike a better conversation because I
am too nervous to do so. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. I just know that the way he
looks at me strips down the confidence I've earned in personality development
classes. It was very odd. He was not handsome for me. His gray eyes looked too
vicious for me. His golden tan skin paired with thick brows and thin grim lips made
me feel dark and gloomy. He wasn't handsome for me, ulit ko.
And yet... he had girlfriends, I know. I heard some of the waitresses then.
"Wala na sila ni Claudia. Baliw rin kasi ang babaeng iyon."
"Oo, pero nakita ko silang magkasama ni Kiera. Ang sabi-sabi, sila na raw."
He wasn't handsome for me but there's something about his air that makes me so
nervous, I'm almost trembling. Now more than ever. Noon, sa mura kong edad, hindi
ko inalintana iyon. I explored the depths of his smokey dark gray eyes in the hopes
to earn a friend. Right now, I have no intention anymore.
Isang tingin sa mga mata niya, alam kong hindi puwede.
"Dito ka muna, Amber. Make friends with them. Okay?" si Kael.
Pumasok sila ni Kael sa loob ng bahay kasama ang lalaki. I saw him look at me and
my words to stop Kael vanished in mid air! Ilang sandali pa bago ako nakabawi.
Nilingon ko ang mga babaeng nasa harap ko.
"A-Anong mga pangalan n'yo at kurso? B-Baka magkaklase tayo." I stuttered, epekto
pa ng kabang naramdaman kanina.
"Ah. Education kami. Eto, engineering. Hindi tayo magiging magkaklase."
"Baka sa minor classes like math and english, we will be classmates?" I said
positively.
Nagtawanan sila at nagtinginan na para bang may mundong kanila and I am an
intruder.
"Halina kayo! Lalabas din 'yon sina Jax at Kael mamaya. Sa dalampasigan na lang
tayo mag-antay!"
Tumango ako at sinubukang sumama pero bahagya silang tumakbo at nagtawanan. Sa
huli, tumigil ako at bumaling na lang sa pintuang papasok sa bahay. Binalik ko ang
tingin sa nagtatawanang mga babae at narinig ko ang ungol ng mga pandidiri nila sa
malayo.
Sa huli, wala rin akong naging choice kundi ang lumapit sa bahay na pinasukan ni
Kael. Lalangawin lang akong mag-isa sa labas at kapag matatagalan pa si Kael,
lalamukin na rin ako.
Nang natapat ako sa pintuan, mabilis kong nakita ang ayos ng looban. There's a
three-seater sofa at naroon si Kael, nakaupo. A man was standing near the
television while drinking something. Binaba niya ang baso nang nakita ako. It was
Tito Achilles, Mommy's friend. Parang magnet na unti-unti akong lumapit sa pintuan.
I can hear Kael asking Jaxon things.
"While waiting for the boards, why don't you try and teach, too, Jax?" si Kael,
nagtatanong.
Their talks got disturbed when the older man noticed me.
"Pasok ka, hija," si Tito Achilles.
I've never been so glad to be invited my whole life. Malaking bagay agad sa akin
iyon dahil ilang linggo nang walang naging mabuti sa akin dito bukod sa kamag-anak.
"Thank you. I'm Amber, po," sabi ko dahil baka nakakalimutan na nila ako.
"I remember you," agap niya.
Nilingon ako ni Kael at nagulat siya.
"Oh? Hindi ka nakisalamuha sa mga bago mong kaibigan?"
Tipid akong ngumiti at umiling. Ayaw ko nang pahabain ang eksplenasyon.
"Gusto mo nang umuwi?"
"N-No... It's okay, Kael," sabi ko, natatakot makaabala sa pinsan.
On my right was Jaxon, silently watching me. Muntik na akong napatalon dahil hindi
ko siya agarang nakitang nakatayo roon. Bukod pa siyempre sa hindi malamang dating
niya para sa akin.
"Upo ka, Amber," si Tito Achilles ulit.
"Hindi na po. Ayos na po ako rito," banayad kong sinabi.
"I'm Achilles and this is my son, Jaxon," ganting pakilala naman nito sa akin.
"Naaalala ko rin po kayo. You're my Mommy's friend, right?"
Napatingin si Kael sa akin. Natahimik sila kaya nagpatuloy ako.
"I don't have many friends here so to be with my Mommy's friend is kind of
relieving. Hindi po kayo bumibisita sa amin?"
"Ah..." Humalakhak si Tito Achilles.
Tito Achilles looked so much like his son. Dagdagan lang ng ilang wrinkles sa gilid
ng malalalim na mga mata and stubble. He's very good looking, lean, and fit for his
age. His long wavy hair behind his head made him look like an action star from the
past.
"Baka magulat ang Mommy mo kapag bumisita pa ako," he joked.
Kumunot ang noo ko. Sumulyap ako sa kay Jaxon. He stared at me with amusement in
his eyes.
"Bakit naman po? To be visited by a friend is a pleasant feeling."
"Hija, we are not exactly friends anymore," he said. "But it's okay. It's not a big
deal to us anymore."
"P-Po? Nag-away po kayo ni Mommy?" I asked puzzled. "Kailan po?"
"Uh... No... Let's just say... well..."
Kitang-kita ko ang hirap niyang pag-eexplain sa akin sa nangyayari.
"May... nakaraan kami ng Mommy mo kaya... hindi na kami magkakasundo."
"N-Nakaraan? Po?" I said still a little bit confused.
"Tita Marem's ex boyfriend, Amber," Kael simplified it.
Jaxon chuckled. Uminit ng husto ang pisngi ko. Parang may gumuho sa kalooblooban ko
nang natanto iyon.
Tito Achilles eyed his son because he was so amused by it. Alam ko kung bakit. Ang
mga alaala kong pilit na kinalimutan noon, muling bumabalik.
"Bakit hindi mo ako pinapansin? Si Kael naman kinakausap mo."
"I'm busy," he answered me pagkatapos ng ilang araw kong pangungulit noon tuwing
nakikita ko siya.
"We should be like our parents. Gagayahin ko lang si Mommy, at ikaw, ang Daddy mo
so we can be friends... or at least talk to each other."
He looked at me with serious eyes. The fourteen year old stupid me looked at him
with equal determination. Kabababa niya lang sa bangka at nag-abang talaga ako para
muling sabihin ang dahilang ito.
"You don't know what you're talking about," he sometimes said.
Or...
"Marami akong ginagawa."
But for today, it's a different answer. And it broke me into pieces.
"I don't want that for us... so... no. Hindi ko gagayahin ang Papa ko. Hindi mo rin
gagayahin ang Mommy mo," he said ending what's left of my hope.
I don't have friends here. I will never have friends here... no matter how hard I
try, huh?

[ 5 Kabanata3 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 3
Hope
Hindi na ako masyadong nagsalita ulit dahil sa kahihiyang natamo. Iniisip ko, hindi
kaya hindi ako gustong kausapin ng mga tao rito dahil sa nakaraan ni Mommy at ni
Tito Achilles? But that would be weird, right? Hindi naman siguro buong Costa Leona
ang nakakaalam sa nangyari, kung ano man?
I glanced at Jaxon who's now talking to my cousin. Tahimik lang akong tumayo roon
sa likod ng sofa. Mabuti na lang at hindi na rin naman nagtagal si Kael. Nagpaalam
din siya kaagad while I can't even say my proper goodbye dahil sa kahihiyang
natamo.
That was why he didn't want to be friends with me. My mother is his father's ex
lover. Hindi ko man alam ang nangyari noon but I know my mother way too much. She's
cruel to the people who hurt her. I wonder if they experienced cruelty from her
because of that. Hindi ko sila masisisi kung ganoon.
My mom is selfish at times. Mababa rin ang tingin niya sa mga taong hindi pareho
ang estado sa amin ang buhay. Napaisip tuloy ako buong byahe pauwi... paano
nagustuhan ni Mommy si Achilles Riego, kung ganoon? I don't wanna judge but based
on the look of their house and the job he's in, I don't think my mother would even
care to look at him at all.
Nawala rin iyon sa isipan ko nang makita si Daddy sa mansyon. I ran to him and
hugged him so tightly. Magdadalawang buwan na simula nang nagkita kami at puro
tawag sa internet lang ang natatanggap ko sa kanya. And the look on his smiling
face when he saw my tore my heart apart.
"Daddy!" nanginig ang boses ko.
"How's my rebel daughter?" he whispered jokingly.
Hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luha ko. Madalas akong excited na makita siya kapag
matagal kaming nagkakalayo pero hindi naman ako ganito ka emosyonal. Ngayon lang
siguro, sa dami ng nangyari sa akin. I pouted at him. Hindi ako kailanman nag
rebelde. That was the fist time I rebelled and he's joking about it.
He was smiling from ear to ear but for some reason, I can sense the cold sadness in
him.
"I missed you so, Dad!" sabi ko.
"I missed you more, sweetie. How's your vacation?"
Mas lalo lang akong napaiyak dahil alam ko kay Daddy, hindi ko kayang pekein ang
nararamdaman ko. I hate this place so much that I couldn't express it through
enough words.
"Oh..." He hugged me tight.
"Dad, please tell Mommy uuwi na ako ng Manila. Hindi na po ako magboboyfriend. I've
learned my lesson well. I d-don't want to be here..." I said in tears.
Hinagod niya ang buhok ko at ang likod. I can sense his sympathy for me. Madalas
niya akong ipagtanggol kay Mommy pero sa huli, si Mommy pa rin ang masusunod.
"Maybe your Mommy wants to have you here, too? Ilang taon din siyang mag-isa rito,
Amber."
Umiling ako. Hindi ako naniniwala na puwedeng ganoon ang rason niya kung bakit ako
nandito. She just wants me far from Harper and my friends. Pinalis ko ang mga luha
sa aking mga mata.
"Daddy, I don't want this place. I hate it... Please, do something."
Hinarap ko si Dad. Malungkot niya lang akong nginitian. In the midst of hot tears
pooling in my eyes, I realized that my Dad had been working too hard for the past
months. Ngayon ko lang siya nakitang mabuti. Bukod sa mga kulubot sa mukha, his
hair is getting gray and he looks so exhausted.
"Hindi ka ba narerelax dito, anak? This is a nice place for a vacation."
"But Mommy isn't planning for my vacation, Dad."
He smiled sadly. Unti-unti kong pinigilan ang sarili kong magreklamo. Kailangan din
ba ng bakasyon ni Daddy? Does this place make him relaxed? Does this place make him
happy?
"I will try my best to convince your Mom. In the mean time, will you treat your
stay here as a vacation?"
Bumuntong-hininga ako. Tumitig ng ilang sandali kay Dad bago unti-unting tumango.
"Do you need a vacation? How's work?"
Mas lalo kong nakitaan ng pagkapagod si Daddy. Matanda ng mahigit sampung taon si
Daddy kay Mommy kaya natural lang na mas matanda siyang tingnan sa kanilang dalawa.
But this time, I think he's really getting older and older with stress. Hindi niya
kailanman sinabi sa akin ang mga problema niya sa trabaho pero may alam ako.
I often hear my parents fighting. Hindi ko nga lang alam noon kung ano ang
pinagmulan ng mga away nila pero alam kong may ganoong pagkakataon. I also noticed
how we started cutting off expenses in our Alabang mansion. Galing sa labing limang
kasambahay, naging pito na lang.
The economic crisis maybe doing bad things to the money my Dad invested. Noong
nakaraang taon, na bankrupt ang isa sa mga bangkong pinaglaanan niya ng investment.
The return wasn't that large compared to the money he invested but he gambled it
with another investment na nauwi ulit sa isang bankruptcy.
"Oh it's all fine, darling. Don't worry, okay?"
"Kumusta po 'yong investment n'yo sa Singapore?"
"It's fine, hija," he assured me.
"We can just invest it in our own business, Dad, instead of putting it in someone
elses," sabi ko.
"Huwag mo nang isipin pa ito, Amber. I don't want to add on to your Mom's stresses
in handling such businesses. Maybe in your time, anak..."
It's nice to see that my Dad is here now. At least, hindi naman ako ganoon ka bored
na tulad noong nagdaang mga araw. I have someone to talk to and to laugh with. Iyon
nga lang, pagkatapos ng isang linggong pananatili madalas sa mansyon, sumama na
siya kay Mommy sa mga meeting para sa hotel kaya naiwan ulit akong mag-isa.
Hindi na ulit kami nagkausap ni Harper. Hindi siya nagrereply sa mga messages ko.
Noong una, akala ko dahil nagbabakasyon pa siya. Kalaunan, nang magsisimula na
dapat ang klase, natanto kong ayaw niya lang akong kausapin.
Seeing my friends happy and meeting on social media leaves a bitter taste in me.
Mas lalo lang akong nalulungkot dahil sa inggit na nararamdaman, while I am here
living in a lonely big mansion.
"Nakakainggit ka nga, e. Matagal ko nang gustong tumira sa harap ng dagat. If I
graduate, I will surely buy a property near the sea. Iyong akin talaga," si
Phillie, pampalubag loob.
"But I don't like swimming or hanging out on the shore," I said bitterly.
"It's fun. You should try it some time. Manood ka ng sunset and sunrise. It's
relaxing."
I know she's just trying to cheer me up because of my situation. Kahit na rin naman
anong reklamo ko, wala na akong magagawa. This is what it's going to be from now on
and I just have to live through each day with it.
Nagsimula na ang pasukan. Hindi ako kailanman naging ganito ka takot. I was always
excited to go to school but for this one, I am not. But like I said, I have to live
through all of it each day.
Pumasok ako sa escuelahan. Nagulat ako sa dami ng estudyanteng naroon. It only
makes sense though. Ito ang pinakamalapit at natatanging kolehiyo sa buong
lalawigan kaya maaaring dumadayo pa ang iba para lang mag-aral dito.
Nagkukumpulan ang mga estudyante kung saan saan. Hindi nga lang nakakatakas ang
tingin na ibinibigay sa akin. Maybe they find a new face a bit too much that they
couldn't even respond to my small smiles.
"Saan ba ang susunod mong klase, baka pareho tayo?" I asked a seatmate pagkatapos
akong nagkaroon ng pag-asa nang suklian niya ang aking ngiti.
"Uh..." sasagot na sana siya pero hinatak siya ng iilang kaibigan dahilan ng
mabilis na pag-alis at bigong tingin sa akin.
Nagsialisan na ang mga kaklase sa classroom ko habang mag-aarrange pa ako ng mga
gamit papasok sa shoulder bag na dala. Mapait akong tumingin sa mga huling lumabas.
Even the boys don't return my smiles at them. Sometimes, I hear them murmur things
that I think is about me pero hindi ko naman naiintindihan ang koneksyon ko. Baka
masyado na akong nag ooverthink dahil sa trato nila sa akin?
I sighed. This isn't healthy anymore.
Maybe I should find a way to relate to this people? Ano bang madalas na ginagawa
nila? Should I join groups in this school? Where do the students usually hang out?
Groups! Yes, that's it!
Ballet groups? Dance groups? Art groups? Photography?
Sa mga nadaanang bulletin board nagbasa ako ng mga tungkol sa clubs at grupo. May
nakasaad naman doon kung kailan puwedeng sumali. I smiled. I felt a positive vibe
in joining the dance group. I saw a picture of their club and some of them are from
the higher years. Maybe they can be friendly towards me.
Pagkatapos noon, dumiretso na ako sa susunod at huli kong klase. It was a small
room with not enough chairs for the number of students. Dahil pagdating ko, dalawa
na lang ang upuang natitira at pareho pang nasa likuran iyon. Palapit na ako sa
unang upuang nakita nang biglang nilagyan ng bag ng katabi nitong babae.
"Uh..." I said when she didn't explain her sudden move.
"Malilate ang kaibigan ko. Kanyang upuan 'to. Maghanap ka na lang ng iyo."
I nodded. Pupunta na sana ako sa isa pang upuang nakita kanina pero inupuan na iyon
ng isang lalaking estudyante. When they saw me looking at the chairs, they all
laughed together.
Dumating na ang lalaking propesor. Nagulat ako nang nakitang pareho ang propesor
namin ngayon sa naging propesor sa General Inorganic Chemistry.
"Settle down, everyone," he announced.
College Algebra ang turo ngayon, kung hindi ako nagkakamali. Kinabahan agad ako
dahil wala akong mahanap na upuan. Tumingin ang prof sa akin kaya lumabas na muna
ako para maghanap ng upuan sa kabilang silid.
Luckily, hindi pa nagsisimula ang nasa kabilang classroom at marami pa silang
upuan.
"I-I need a chair. Can I have one..." bago pa ako matapos sa pagpapaalam ng ganoon
sa estudyanteng nag-aabang sa pintuan, umalis na siya na parang walang narinig sa
akin.
Kinuha ko na lang agad ang upuan at dinala sa kabilang silid. It was heavy so I
couldn't carry it very well. Naririnig kong nagsisimula na ang professor at
nahuhuli na ako sa pinag-uusapan tungkol sa syllabus.
The indifference isn't only true to the students of the school. Dahil sa pang-apat
na araw ko sa escuelahan, naramdaman kong kahit ang matandang propesor ko, hindi
maganda ang tingin sa akin.
"Are you listening to me, Miss Sevilla?" his voice thundered.
Nangangatog akong tumigil sa pagsusulat at inangat ko ang tingin ko sa kanya. I am
taking down notes kaya nanatili ang mga mata ko sa notebook habang nagsasalita
siya.
"Y-Yes, sir..." sabi ko sa matandang ginoo.
"For the past days, I noticed you're always busy scribbling things in your
notebook... and not listening to me. Masyado kang mayabang dahil lang taga
Maynila!"
Nagtawanan ang aking mga kaklase. Uminit ang pisngi ko sa natamong kahihiyan. It's
one of my major subjects and I am a bit anxious because I didn't have an accounting
course back in Senior High so I need to jot down his used terms.
Umiling ako. He snatched my notebook out of my hand. Binasa niyang mabuti ang mga
sinulat ko. Pagkatapos, binaba ulit at tumikhim bago nagpatuloy sa topic kanina
bago ako pinagalitan at pinahiya.
Mabilis pa ang pintig ng puso ko sa takot at kahihiyan. Nanginginig ang kamay ko
nang inayos ang notebook. I watched our professor say more about the subject then I
realized... I deserve an apology. He thought wrong of me. He humiliated me for a
wrong judgement. How cruel!
Gusto kong magsalita pero natatakot akong walang makakaintindi sa sasabihin ko.
People here are indifferent, if not rude, towards me. If I get mad at my professor,
nobody will ever understand why, kahit pa may punto ako.
Ganoon nagdaan ang bawat araw. In some cold rainy days, I would stay a bit longer
in my bed wishing that I get sick so I won't have to go to school. Sa huli, ako pa
rin ang magdurusa dahil sa pagiging late at sa mas matinding pamamahiyang ibibigay
ng prof ko.
"Mommy, I want to go back to Manila," I said when we had lunch in a peaceful Sunday
noon, sa harap ng dalampasigan.
Tatlong linggo na ako sa school na iyon at ni isang kaibigan, hindi ako nagkaroon.
Ang mga mahahabang conversation ko, sa mga prof lang. Ang iba sa kanila, kung hindi
awa ang nararamdaman para sa akin, wala namang pakealam.
"Nandito tayong tatlo, Amber. Hindi ka ba masaya na magkakasama tayo? Your Dad
likes it here-"
"Marem..." Dad cut her off. "That's okay. If our daughter wants to go back to
Manila, we should consider it."
Natahimik ako nang nakita si Daddy. Somehow, he looked younger than last month,
noong kadarating niya lang dito galing trabaho. Naguilty tuloy ako sa gustong
mangyari. I'm too selfish.
"I know but you're more relaxed here. Bakit hindi si Amber, hindi ba?"
"I-I just think that... I'm finding it hard to get a friend here. Iyon lang naman
po," bigo kong sinabi.
"That's because you're a city girl. Hindi makakarelate ang mga kaklase mo sa'yo.
You're in your adjustment period. In time, you will know how to deal with them."
"Paano kapag hindi, Mommy? Paano kapag ayaw lang talaga nila sa akin?"
"They will like you, Amber. You're my daughter and the Galvez family is powerful
here. Kung hindi sila nanliliit kapag nariyan ka o namamangha dahil maganda at
mayaman ka, baka naiinsecure ang mga iyan. Okay? Don't worry about it."
So I would have to put up with all of these, huh? I guess I don't have a choice.
Sa Cafeteria ako kumakain ng merienda o lunch. Mag-isa ako sa upuan ko lagi at
tahimik na lang doon. Minsan, kung puno ang Cafe, umaalis na lang ako at maghahanap
ng ibang lugar na puwedeng kainan. Minsan ko na kasing sinubukan noon na tumabi sa
iilang estudyante o 'di kaya'y kaklase.
"Nawalan na ako ng gana! Tara na nga!" linya nila.
O minsan...
"May tatabi pa kasi, e. Mamaya. Kaya hindi ka puwede rito..." sabay tawanan.
If it only happened once, I would say that their response were sincere and I am
just mistaken. I sighed as I looked at the schedule of the booths for the upcoming
Assembly. Doon gaganapin ang orientation sa mga clubs. Doon ka rin hahanap kung
gusto mong sumali sa kahit anong club.
"Narinig ko ngang nag-away daw si Rowena at Katarina. As if they have a chance! I
heard madalas silang magkasama noong taga Kalibo na nanalong..."
"Hindi. Si Polly ang madalas niyang kasama ngayon."
"Baka dalawa girlfriend niya?"
"Hindi siya ganoon. Kahit guwapo si Jaxon, hindi siya ganoon. Kapag girlfriend ka,
girlfriend ka niyang talaga. Walang iba!"
Nilingon ko ang narinig na nagsalita. I tried to smile but they all hushed down and
ignored me.
Tinapos ko na lang ang pagtatype ng schedule sa cellphone ko bago dumiretso sa
huling klase sa araw na iyon. I wasn't late but the whole class was already inside
the classroom nang dumating ako.
I thought Sir Ruben, our professor is already in kaya nagpanic na ako. Nahihirapan
pa naman akong maghanap ng upuan sa klase na ito. Laking gulat ko nang nakita kung
sino ang nasa loob at kung bakit mas tahimik at maayos ang klaseng iyon kumpara sa
dati.
Jaxon Riego is on the platform, wearing a navy longsleeves rolled up to his
forearm. Hindi ko alam kung ilang segundo akong panandaliang naestatwa sa harapan
bago nautal sa pagbati.
"G-Good afternoon..."
Dumiretso ako sa nakitang upuan. My classmates are already answering on their whole
sheet of paper. Nasusulyapan kong nasa number five na ang lahat. Kumalabog ang puso
ko at diretsong naupo sa isang upuang nakitang bakante.
"Uh, excuse me? May nakaupo na riyan. Paparating na siya rito..." the girl beside
me whispered.
Nabitin ang pakiusap ko dahil sa medyo galit na ekspresyon ng babae. Napatingin ako
kay Jaxon na nakatingin sa akin. He's standing so tall in his all dark attire. He
was impatiently waiting for me to settle down. I can almost sense his annoyance
when I stood up to find another seat.
Dumiretso ako sa isang nakitang upuan pero bago pa ako nakaupo, muli akong binara.
"May nakaupo na diyan. Parating na ang kaibigan ko," sabi ng isa pang babaeng
kaklase.
I heard her group of friends chuckle somewhere. Ganoon din ang sinabi ng mga ito
noong nakaraan. Kumuha pa ako ng upuan sa kabilang silid pero natapos na lang ang
klase, hindi naman dumating ang tinukoy nilang kaibigan.
"Let her sit there, Miss Abad," his low voice boomed the room.
Bumaling ang mga kaklase ko sa amin. The girl eyed me angrily before she smiled to
Jaxon.
"Pero sir si JM kasi, malilate daw," the girl insisted.
"Let JM find a seat when he arrives."
Napilitan ang babaeng paupuin ako. Umupo ako roon at sumulyap sa mga kaibigan
niyang pare parehong matalim akong tinitigan.
"Bwisit na babae..." I heard some of them murmur.
Kinabahan ako. I have never been treated this way my entire life and I didn't know
it felt this way. Sa sobrang kaba ko, hindi ko na halos maisip kung ano iyong mga
kukunin ko sa bag ko.
"Number six..." Jaxon said, continuing whatever his quiz is about.
I swallowed hard. Nanginginig ang kamay ko habang kinukuha ang ballpen at papel.
"Sarap sabunutan. Humanda 'yan mamaya..." I heard some of them whisper again.
Kaba at takot na ngayon ang nararamdaman ko. Samahan pa ng mga tanong ni Jaxon
tungkol sa huling topic ng subject, hindi na ako makapag-isip ng maayos.
I don't know why he's here or why he's replacing Sir Ruben and that's my least
concern now. It's a thirty point test with the last ten, a critical problem
solving. Halos maubos ang nakalaang isang oras sa klaseng iyon dahil sa quiz niya.
Natagalan ako dahil sa dami ng iniisip. Isa-isa nang naglabasan ang mga classmate
ko pagkatapos nilang sagutan. Paminsan-minsan, napapatingin ako dahil kaswal nilang
kinakausap si Jax.
"Kuya Jax... I mean... sir..." sabay tawa ng dalawang babaeng nagpasa ng papel.
I saw Jaxon smile darkly at them. Pumikit ako ng mariin at muling binasa ang
problem para mas maintindihan ko.
"Kailan daw ma ookay si Sir Ruben? Sana ikaw na lang ang teacher namin lagi. Huwag
ka na lang mag sub, oh?"
Halos pukpukin ko ang ulo ko dahil imbes na ang problema ang pumasok, mga sinasabi
pa ng estudyante ang naririnig.
"Five minutes left..." he announced and I'm still in number twenty six!
Limang numero ang hindi ko nasagutan and I'm sure it's an immediate wrong! Kung
lima pa ang hindi ko masasagutan, I will have less chance to get a good grade.
Abot-abot na ang tahip ng puso ko. Mas lalo tuloy akong hindi makapag-isip ng
maayos.
My classmates are now a bit too loud because they are all done. My breathing is
labored as I scribbled my solutions on the scratch paper. Tumayo na ang grupo sa
tabi ko at nagpasa na rin ng papel.
Twenty seven!
Muli akong nagsulat ng solusyon nang biglang lumapit ang katabi ko para kunin ang
naiwan niyang bag doon.
"Aabangan ka namin. Sabunutan tayo, ano? Ha?" she said.
Sa gulat ko, napatingin ako sa kanya. She looked so pissed and angry. Mas lalo
akong kinabahan. The fear reverberated within me that I couldn't think clearly...
or write much.
"Kakalbuhin kita pagkalabas mo. Pinapahiya mo 'ko..." she said before walking out
of the classroom.
Namimilog ang mga mata ko habang tinitingnan ang papel. Hot tears slowly formed in
my eyes. Mabilis kong pinalis iyon dahil lumalabo ang mata ko at hindi ako
makapagsulat ng maayos. But then my heart is so scared that I couldn't stop my
labored breathing.
Sinulat ko ang sagot sa number twenty seven. I solved the number twenty-eight
swiftly. Sa sobrang kaba ko, hindi na ako makapag-isip ng maayos para sa twenty-
nine at thirty. Mas lalo lang akong nawala sa sarili nang nagtayuan ang natitirang
classmates ko at nagpasa na ng papel, leaving me almost alone.
Jaxon looked at his wrist watch... and then me. Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko nang
natantong naubos na ang oras ko. I gave up and put any answer for the last two
items. Tumayo ako at nahulog ang mga ballpen dahil sa sobrang kaba.
Narinig ko ang mumunting tawa galing sa labas. Nilingon ko ang pintuan sa likod at
nakita kong naroon nga ang grupo. My chest hurt so much from the loud boom of my
beating heart.
Bawat hakbang ko paharap, nangangatog ang binti ko. Nang ihatid ko ang papel at
tinanggap ni Jaxon, mabilis akong tumalikod. I was all so stiff when I went back to
my chair. Inayos ko ang mga gamit ko sa nangangatog na mga kamay at mga matang puno
na ng nagbabadyang luha.
"Miss Sevilla," Jaxon's baritone made me jump.
Nanginginig ang labi kong suminghap bago bumaling sa kanya. Nakakunot ang noo niya
habang nakatingin sa akin. Dark gray eyes bore into me intensely.
"Arrange these papers," utos niya bago niya iniwan ang mga papel at bumaling sa
labas.
Tumango ako. Hindi na ako nakapagsalita. I was so relieved to be asked to do that.
Pakiramdam ko kapag lumabas ako ngayon, masasaktan ako. Lumapit ako sa kanyang desk
at isa-isang inayos ang mga papel. Nilingon ko ang labas at hindi ko siya nakita
roon.
I swallowed and arranged the papers properly. Nang pumasok ulit si Jaxon, bumaling
ako sa pangalawang pintuan sa likod at nakita ang pag-alis ng grupong nag-abang sa
akin. Umawang ang labi ko. Nilingon ko si Jax. He was looking at me intensely
before his eyes went to the papers and his jaw clenched.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
Nanatili ang mga mata ko sa kanya. Tumango ako. Tears pooled in my eyes realizing a
bit. Pero baka naman hindi? Baka mali ako.
"Anong sinabi nila sa'yo?" he asked.
Kahit na inisip kong may ginawa nga siya, nagulat pa rin ako nang nakumpirma iyon.
Pinalis ko ang luhang lumandas sa aking pisngi at sinagot siya.
"M-Mag-aabang sila sakin..."
He watched me with dark domineering eyes. His lips twitched. I sensed annoyance.
"Stop crying."
"Sorry," sabi ko at huminga ng malalim.
He licked his lower lip. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin sa akin.
"Umalis na sila. Titigilan ka na ng mga iyon. You should tell your prof whenever
things like that happen."
Hindi ako nagsalita dahil sa ibang pagkakataon, kahit ang prof mismo, masama ang
tingin sa akin. He sighed.
"Dalhin mo 'yan hanggang sa makarating ako sa faculty..." he said.
Napaangat ako ng tingin. Nag-ayos na siya ng gamit at umambang aalis na. The
faculty room is far from here... near the gates of the school! To be with him until
there means I will be safe until there!
Mabilis kong hinagilap ang mga gamit ko. Lumabas na siya ng classroom. Tumakbo na
rin ako palabas at sumunod na sa kanya dala ang mga papel.
Huling klase na ito kaya normal na wala o kokonti na lang ang estudyante sa buong
campus. I couldn't check on them because I am busy watching his back from where I
am. Diretso ang lakad niya, tila alam na alam ang ginagawa. He's very tall and
that's something because I am five seven. He's lean and muscular enough. Mabango
rin dahil naamoy ko siya habang nakasunod ako.
I swallowed and tried a normal conversation kahit nasa likod lang ako.
"May sakit si Sir Ruben?" tanong ko.
"He met an accident..."
"N-Napano si Sir?" medyo nagulat ako.
"Motorbike accident. Kinailangang operahan ang braso niya."
Bahagya akong kinabahan at naawa para sa Professor. Among all my profs, he was the
nicest of them all. Hindi ko na namalayan na nakarating na kami sa faculty. Nagulat
na lang ako, tumigil siya sa paglalakad at hinarap ako.
I got a small heart attack. The remnants of it is a fluttering feeling as I watch
his gray eyes dilate as he looked at me.
I chuckled a bit para ibsan ang awkwardness dahil sa nangyari. Kinuha niya ang mga
papel na dala ko nang hindi ko pa binibigay. He watched me a bit bago umambang
aalis.
"Thank you," he said in a formal tone.
"You're welcome."
Pinagmasdan ko siyang humakbang papasok ng faculty at muntik nang nahuli ang tanong
na gumulo sa isipan ko bago ako muntik nang nabunggo sa kanya.
"Jax..." I called softly.
Nilingon niya ako. Hindi nagbago ang ekspresyon ng kanyang mga mata. Now, I saw
some members of the faculty watching us.
"Ikaw rin ba ang magtuturo sa Chemistry bukas?" I asked.
"Maybe not. I can't take morning classes for Ruben."
"Oh..." malungkot kong tinanggap ang sagot niya.
Umigting ang panga niya habang inaabangan kung mayroon pa akong sasabihin. Nahiya
tuloy ako dahil inabala ko pa siya.
"Nangingisda ako ng madaling araw," he reasoned huskily. "But... I'll see if I can
do that."
Nabuhayan ako ng loob doon. I smiled at him. My hope is alive.
"Sige," sabi ko ng medyo masigla. "Sana ikaw."
His lips parted a bit and then he nodded. Dumiretso na siya sa loob ng faculty nang
hindi na nagpapaalam sa akin. Ngumiti ako. My heart felt a little bit lighter now.
Sana siya nga. At least... I have... someone.

[ 6 Kabanata4 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 4
Heart
Unfortunately, for the two-hour lecture and laboratory subject, we were given a
different professor.
Excited at panatag akong pumasok sa sumunod na araw dahil unang subject iyon at
tingin ko, sa ilang linggo kong pagpasok, ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng gaan. I
thought Jaxon will be our professor for it and I was very hopeful. He wasn't very
friendly towards me pero kung base sa ginawa niya kahapon, nararamdaman kong mabuti
siyang tao.
I got disappointed when I saw that it was not him in our lecture class. Pati na rin
siguro sa Laboratory mamaya. Tahimik akong nakinig habang ineexplain ng teacher ang
tungkol sa mangyayari sa klase.
"I am a temporary teacher for today since your professor, Sir Ruben, can't report
yet because of the accident."
"Akala ko si Jack ang magiging prof natin. Narinig kong siya raw ang pumasok
kahapon sa mga Math, e..." narinig kong bulong ng katabi ko sa kaibigan niya sa
likod.
"Ako rin. Akala ko siya..." singit ko nang sa wakas ay nakakita ng pagkakataong
makasundo ang kahit na sino sa kaklase ko.
"Kilala mo siya?" the girl behind me asked critically.
I nodded with a smile.
Nagkatinginan ang dalawa. Hindi kaaya-ayang ekspresyon ang suot sa mga mukha bago
tumingin ulit sa akin.
"Uh, pinakilala sa akin ni Kael, iyong pinsan ko..." nangapa ako ng salita pero
umiling ang isa at bumaling na lang sa harap, nakapangalumbaba at ayaw nang makinig
sa ano man ang sabihin ko.
Isa na namang pangkaraniwang araw iyon. Mas lalo lang naging mahirap nang nalaman
ko ang plano ni Sir Ruben sa klase.
"His module for the whole semester is already with me. Iyon ang susundin ko sa
ngayon, habang wala pang papalit sa kanya. You are to be divided into groups. Itong
grupo n'yo ang magiging kagrupo n'yo sa laborotary projects or experiments and
maybe for the moving exams you might have."
May iilang natuwa sa sinabing iyon. Marami nang nagtitinginan at nagkakasundo na
sila ang magkagrupo. I can't help but smile along with them. Nakakatuwa kasi
tingnan na masaya sila. Huli na nang natanto kong hindi pala iyon maganda para sa
akin.
Sino ang kukuha sa akin bilang kagrupo?
"You will be grouped randomly."
"Aww!" sabay-sabay na ungol ng lahat.
I swallowed. I can't help but feel happy for myself. At least... hindi kami ang
pipili, hindi ba? Lahat kami, mag-aadjust sa magiging kagrupo. Ako lang yata ang
natutuwa.
We were grouped into five each. Nagulat ako nang isa sa mga pinakilalang freshman
noon ni Kael na kapitbahay lang nina Jaxon ay naging kagrupo ko. Tahimik ako at
attentive, nang sa ganoon, makatulong sa grupo kung mayroon mang iuutos. I also
volunteered to write our names in a sheet of index card para hindi na sila
mahirapan.
Sinabi na kung ano ang gagawin sa linggong iyon. We have papers to pass. Sinabing
dapat sa classroom iyon gawin pero dahil nga nagkaproblema si Sir Ruben, baka
gawing take home na lang. I am not exactly good in Science, worse it's Chemistry,
but I will try to do good for my group!
Each group got assigned with some given problems to solve. Iilang elements ang
hinalo, kasama na ang mga gagawin at mga tanong. I listened very carefully until I
started thinking about its connection to my course! This is not good, Amber! You
have to understand each part of this so you can help!
Lumipat kami sa laboratory at laking pasasalamat ko na hindi lang ako ang ganoon
ang nararamdaman.
"Wala akong maintindihan. Naka ilang buklat na ako sa libro! Anong gagawin natin sa
elements na naka assign at sa problem?" tanong ng kagrupo ko.
"Ako rin, walang maintindihan. P-Pero baka-" I got cut off.
"May konti akong alam. Naaalala ko pa ang Chem noon. Pero 'di pa rin ako sigurado."
"Kailangan ata natin ng matinding research. Free ba kayo mamaya o bukas?"
Tumango ako.
"Oo, puwede ako. Ayusin natin 'to para makapagpasa na tayo sa Thursday!"
"Gusto n'yo samin? Puwede sa amin," sabi ko.
Nagkatinginan sila. Walang ni isang nagsalita. May sinabi ang teacher kaya hindi ko
na rin alam kung anong desisyon nila sa offer ko. I just know that when the class
ended, the decision isn't made yet, too. Baka sa sunod na klase noon, malalaman ko
na.
The day ended with that same draining feeling. Positibo na lang ang naging isipan
ko nang maalalang palapit na ang Assembly at nasisiguro kong doon ako makakahanap
ng iba pang kaibigan. Nag ensayo ako pagkauwi sa bahay. I will make sure that I'll
get in. Wala silang ballet group kaya sa dance group ako sasali. They also do
cheerleading so I think I'll like it.
The math class for the next day is better, though. Hindi na ulit ako nahirapan
maghanap ng upuan. Hindi ako napaalis sa unang upuang nakita ko nang pumasok ako
roon. Hindi na rin ako ginulo ng mga kaklaseng nanggulo noong nakaraan. I'd rather
them treat me like I don't exist than be bullied again that way.
Si Jaxon pa rin ang prof namin noon. He's wearing a dark green longsleeve jacket
today. Nakatupi iyon hanggang siko, revealing the soft thin hair on his forearm.
His lectures were so simplified na hindi ko mapigilang matulala sa klase. I can't
stop looking at his thin lips, for some reason. There's something about the way he
talks. The way he pronounced the words was a bit... too husky and too... I don't
know.
Maagang natapos ang klase dahil mabilis ding nakuha ng mga classmate ko ang topic
niya. Nagliligpit ako ng gamit habang umaalis na ang iba. Some girls stopped on his
desk and chatted with him for a while. May mas senior din naming nasa pintuan,
tinatawag si Jaxon. He sat languidly on his chair. His lips pursed as he listened
to a talking classmate.
Tumikhim ako at nagpatuloy sa pagliligpit. Hindi ko na naiwasang ibalik ulit ang
tingin sa kanyang labi. He laughed normally. His eyes remained mysterious, though.
Bumaling siya sa mga nag-aabang sa pintuan at nginitian din ang mga ito.
He's friendly. Well, based sa dami ng narinig kong tungkol sa kanya. It is almost
as if he's a ladies' man.
Napawi ang ngiti niya nang nakinig sa kaklase ko. Isang lipat ng tingin sa akin at
nahulog ko ang mga lapis sa sahig. Mabilis kong pinulot ang mga iyon. My heart
boomed so loud at my sudden faux.
Padarag kong nilagay ang mga ballpen sa loob ng case. Binalik ko ang tingin sa
kanya, nakita kong nasa akin pa rin ang tingin niya. His eyes were dark and strange
while his smile is a bit taunting.
"Akala ko break na kayo ni Rowena?" naririnig kong asar ng mga kaklase ko.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit bigo ako nang umalis doon. Maybe I expected a bit of
conversation or interaction from him. I looked forward to that day so much that
when it came and turned into a normal day, I feel hollow.
"Miss Sevilla? Ikaw lang hindi nakapagsubmit ng assignment," sabi ng pansamantalang
prof namin sa Chem nang dumating ang Thursday.
Napatingin ako sa katabing mga kagrupo. Kani-kanina lang, tinanong ko sila kung
natuloy ba sila sa pag-aaral sa bahay. Hindi na kasi nila nabanggit na tuloy kami
sa amin. Bukas pa ang deadline pero nakapagpasa na pala ang lahat ngayon!
"Uh..." I eyed my groupmates.
I didn't know that they passed the first assignment, too!
"Hindi naman kasi tumulong, e..." bulong ng isa kong kaklase.
"Sorry. Hindi ko kasi alam na-"
"Sorry, Ma'am! Nakalimutan kong ilista ang pangalan niya samin!" bawi niya sabay
tayo at martsa papuntang harap.
The blood in my face drained. Nagbulungan ang mga kaklase ko. Naghalakhakan na rin.
Kung iniisip nilang pabigat nga ako, tama sila. I didn't even know that they're
done with it!
"Naku! Ayusin n'yo next time. The next problem is due next week but you may pass it
on Tuesday if you're done. Lalo na dahil wala namang pasok sa Lunes para sa
Assembly."
Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko. Hinagilap ko ang tingin ng aking mga kagrupo pero wala ni
isang gustong magsalita sa kanila.
"Sorry. Sorry talaga. Hindi ko naman kasi alam na gumawa kayo. Nagtanong ako nun-"
"Sa Sabado. Samin ulit. Umaga ha. Pumunta ka!" padabog na sinabi noong isa sa
pinakilala sa akin ni Kael, si Evelyn."
"Oo pupunta ako!" agap ko.
Inirapan niya ako at binaling ulit ang mukha sa professor. It was another awful day
at school. Sinundan pa ng isang Biyernes na ganoon din. I never had trouble with my
maths but I got a very low score in one of our end of the week quiz.
Three over twenty.
Tiningnan ko ang papel ko habang chinicheck kung tama ba ang pagkakacorrect ng
kaklase ko.
"Pass the papers now. I wanna see who learned the most while I'm your prof..." si
Jaxon na mabilis na tinawanan at tinilian ng mga kaklase.
Pinalakpakan ng lahat nang banggitin ni Jaxon kung sino ang mga pinakamataas ang
marka. Mayabang na tumayo isa-isa ang mga tinawag. The claps died down later when
he announced the mediocre scores. Ang huling binanggit niya ay ang nakakuha ng
labing isa.
Kinabahan ako. Tumigil siya sa huling papel na nakita. I know it's mine and I can't
believe the lowest of the class got an eleven... while I got three!
Hiyang-hiya ako na nang idismiss niya ang klase, nauna na akong lumabas sa lahat
dahil sa natamong kahihiyan.
"Bakit hindi na lang dito, Amber? We can make room for your classmates," si Mommy
nang nagpaalam ako sa kanya para doon sa Chemistry namin.
"Mommy, 'yon kasi ang gusto ng mga kaklase ko."
"Well, ask them if they want it here! I'm sure they'll all like it."
Mapait akong ngumiti. "Pero sa kanila po kasi ang nakasanayan ata nila."
Bumuntong-hininga si Mommy bago binalingan si Daddy. The hotel is fully booked and
the drivers are busy. Pupuntang Iloilo si Mommy at Daddy dahil sa isang party.
"I can ask Kael to stop his work for a bit-"
"Mom, mag cocommute na lang ako. May tricycle naman po sa labas-"
"Of course not!" halos pasigaw niyang sinabi iyon na para bang dirinig diri siya
roon.
Nagulat ako sa reaksyon ni Mommy.
"I'm sorry. Sige... ganito na lang," mahinahon niyang agap. "Ihahatid ka ni Lando
doon sa kaklase mo. Iuuwi ka ni Kael dito pagkatapos ng shift niya sa hotel. Okay?
Huwag kang mag cocommute, Amber."
Tumango ako. "Sige po. Ayos lang naman kasi feeling ko, matatagalan ako sa bahay ng
kaklase ko. Medyo mahirap po kasi iyon."
"Okay. That's done then," si Mommy at uminom na ng tubig.
I'm glad that Mom is supporting me somehow. Ngayon ko lang naappreciate ang mga
maliliit na bagay na ginagawa niya para sa akin kahit paano.
Hinatid ako ng sasakyan namin sa kabahayan malapit lang sa hotel. Kung tutuusin,
puwede rin naman siyang lakarin ko lang. My Mom is just so overacting. Kaya nang
nagpaalam ako kay Kuya Lando pagkatapos noon.
Yakap ang mga libro, tinahak ko ang daanang alam. I glanced at Jaxon's house. Doon
ko lang natanto na hindi ko nga pala alam saan ang bahay nina Evelyn.
Marami akong nakikitang mga tao sa malapit. Iilan, nakatingin na sa akin. I would
want to ask Jaxon about Evelyn's home but I'm too shy to knock and ask. Dumiretso
na lang ako sa iilang kitang mga tao para makapagtanong.
"Magandang umaga po. Saan po ang bahay nina Evelyn?" tanong ko sa iilang babaeng
nakita.
Tinuro sa akin ang isang maliit na bahay. I smiled at them.
"Thank you po..."
The girl proceeded to calling some young boys. Hindi na ulit ako tiningnan, para
bang walang nangyari. Still, I'm happy that she helped.
I knocked on the open door and tried to take a peek inside. Nakita kong may
nanonood ng TV.
"Magandang umaga po," para makita ako.
Nilingon ako ng matandang ginang. At first, she looked at me with friendly eyes...
later on, it turned a bit distant.
"Ako po si Amber, kaklase ni Evelyn. Uh... may usapan po kasi kaming-"
"Wala siya rito! Nandoon sa kina Roda."
"Ah. Anong oras po ba-"
"Doon nga siya kina Roda!" she said, a bit annoyed.
"S-Sige po. Uhm... Saan po ba ang kina Roda?"
"Sumakay ka ng Tricycle. Sabihin mo Pawa."
"Sige po. Thank you!"
I don't know why Evelyn isn't here when it's clear that our meeting is in her
house. Hindi kaya kanina pa sila rito at late na ako? Tama naman ang dating ko, ah?
Or maybe... they are angry at me for not helping them out on our first assignment?
Is that it? Should I make this alone?
Sinulyapan ko ang libro at ang mga katagang naroon. Wala akong maintindihan pero
kung sisikapin ko, baka magawa ko naman ito.
But first... I must find Evelyn and Roda in Roda's house. Sasakay ng tricycle. May
pera naman ako rito. Sinulyapan ko ang wallet na may lamang isang libo at mga
credit cards. Isang libo. Puwede na 'to. Hinugot ko iyon at binalik ang wallet sa
bag.
"Anong ginagawa mo rito?" a cold baritone made me jump that my one thousand bill
fell on the sandy floor.
Mabilis kong pinulot iyon. Nang tingnan ko kung sino ang nagsalita, nakita kong
nasa labas ng bahay si Jaxon Riego. Wearing a white v neck t-shirt and a dark
shorts, he looked immaculately... uh... clean. Mamasa masa ang kanyang buhok at mas
mahaba ito tingnan kumpara sa kapag inayos at tuyo.
Ngayon ko lang naramdamang nakakaintimidate pala siya lalo na noong lumapit siya.
He's very tall and muscular. His eyes were brooding and mysterious in gray and his
sensual lips pursed.
"Hinahanap ko si Evelyn, 'yong kaklase ko sa Chem. May meeting kami para sa isang
assignment."
"Their house is right there," he said as he pointed it with a jerk of his head.
"Uh, oo. Nasabi kasi ng nanay ni Evelyn na nasa kina Roda daw siya. Sa... Pawa..."
He ran his fingers through his wet hair. I got a bit distracted with his move. I
know why almost every female in this town worships him.
"Anong sasakyan mo papunta roon? Hindi ko nakikita ang sasakyan n'yo," he said.
Nilingon ko ang mga kaniyugan. Wala nga ang sasakyan namin.
"May pera naman akong pang tricycle."
"Motorbike ang papasok doon," he pointed out.
"Oh. Then... I'll ride one. Thanks for the information."
His eyes darkened more. He was watching me grimly now and I guess that means I have
to go.
"Aalis n-na ako," sabi ko, naiilang nang maalala ang score ko kahapon sa Math.
He must think I'm such an idiot!
"I can drive you, instead. Delikadong mag-isa roon," he offered.
Nagulat ako. I don't see any car here but I remember the last time I was here with
Kael. May lumang pick up akong nakitang nakaparking sa kinatatayuan kong ito. Pero
ngayon... wala akong nakita kundi ang...
Nanlamig ang mukha ko. Hindi lang dahil hindi pa ako kailanman nakasakay ng ganoon,
pero hindi ko rin alam bakit ayaw ko siyang kasama.
Naglakad siya patungo sa isang malaking motorbike na medyo maputik. Blood is now
drained out of my face as I imagine myself on that. Then my face heated when I
realized I would be behind him when that happens!
"H-Hindi na. Uh... Ititext ko na lang si Kael kung puwede niya ba akong... i-
ihatid. O... may pera naman ako para sa tricycle."
Nilingon niya ako. His dark eyes are taunting and the side of his lips rose for a
crazy smile. Bumaling siya sa motor at supladong nagsalita.
"Not used to dirt bikes, huh? Just the SUVs and all..." sinabi niya iyon na para
bang nandidiri ako sa kanyang motor.
"Hindi naman sa ganoon pero..."
"Mahihirapan din ang sasakyan ni Kael papunta doon kina Roda kaya magmomotor din
kayo."
"May pera naman ako para mag m-motor," palusot ko, hindi na makatingin sa kanya
ngayon.
His bike jumped a bit. Halos napatili ako nang bigla itong dumiretso sa harap ko.
He smirked. Ang mga mata niya'y naghahamon. Mas lalo tuloy akong kinabahan.
"Mas gusto mong sumakay sa hindi mo kilala," he concluded.
Napakurap-kurap ako. "Hindi naman sa ganoon, pero... ayaw kong makaabala sa'yo."
"Kagagaling ko lang sa laot pero nakapagpahinga na ako. Or maybe you just want so
much to be in the comfort of your cars, airconditioned and untouched by the sun
because of its tinted windows? Arte..." he said.
Namilog ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya. Maarte? Ako, maarte? Kinabahan ako roon.
Ganyan ba ang tingin ng mga tao kaya ayaw nila sakin?
"Of course not! I'm not maarte!" giit ko, medyo tumaas ng konti ang boses.
He smirked evilly more. He bit his lower lip and revolutioned his bike loudly.
Nilingon niya ako.
"Alright, then! Sasakay na ako!"
Hindi ko alam kung paano sumakay. Bumagsak ang tingin niya sa paa ko, nakataas ang
isang kilay na para bang alam niyang papalpak ako sa pagsakay! He swiftly got the
books I have. Hinayaan ko siyang kunin iyon.
Mabilis akong umangkas. Una ang right leg. Medyo mataas ang upuan kaya, hirap pa
akong umangat. Kinailangan ko pang hawakan ang braso niya para lang makaangkas ng
mabuti. I eyed his feet on the ground effortlessly. How tall is he? Six three?
Kinuha ko ang mga libro ko sa kanya. Hinayaan niya ako at ibinigay niya na rin sa
akin ang helmet.
"S-Sa'yo?" tanong ko.
"I'm fine without it."
"But you have to have one!" giit ko at pinaandar niya na ang motor.
Muntik na akong tumili ulit. Tumigil siya at nilingon na lang ako ng konti.
"Isuot mo na."
I gritted my teeth. I guess I have no choice but to wear it. Isang segundo
pagkatapos kong suotin iyon, pinaandar niya na ang motor. I screamed a bit when I
realized that the rocky road will kill me even with that helmet!
"Wrap your arms around me," he said.
"Are you kidding me?!" taranta kong sinabi.
"Hindi ka pa nakakasakay ng motor," sabi niya sa gitna ng pagtatanong at
pagdedeklara.
Ang ayaw ko sa lahat ay ang kakitaan ko ng kaibahan sa mga taong gaya niya. Totoong
hindi pa ako nakakasakay ng motor at nasisiguro kong kapag nalaman niya iyon,
maarte nga ako sa tingin niya.
I wrapped my arms around his waist like those of the movies. My face heated so bad.
I want to ignore the intimate feeling but I just can't. My chest is on his large
back and my hands rested on his hard rocky chest!
Tumigil siya nang nakarating kami sa highway. I was still hugging him so tight that
my face is boiling. Puwede na yatang magprito sa mukha ko sa sobrang init.
"Uh..." he chuckled a bit. "You can loosen up your hug, though."
"Oh!"
Kung may mas nakakahiya pa sa kung ano mang kahihiyan ang natamo ko sa talambuhay
ko, eto na 'yon. He was smiling wildly like something very funny is happening and
that was my hug! Masyado nga yatang mahigpit ang yakap ko na hindi niya na
napalagpas at napigilan ang sariling hindi magkumento.
I loosened the way I wrapped my arms around him and I felt like a real idiot now.
Dapat naging zero over twenty na nga lang ako sa quiz niya kahapon sa sobrang tanga
ng nararamdaman ko ngayon!
Naaalala ko na ex boyfriend nga pala ni Mommy ang Daddy niya. Did he think that I
am reliving that somehow through being so spirited towards him? Tingin niya ba
masyado akong daring para maging ganoon?
Tama siya. Walang daan patungo sa pupuntahan namin kunti maliit na linya ng
putikan. Nagkaroon lang ng maayos na daan nang palapit na kami sa kabahayan. When
he stopped just a few meters away from the first house, hindi na ako nag alinlangan
sa pagbaba. Hinubad ko agad ang helmet at binigay sa kanya. Hindi ko siya matingnan
lalo na't nahagip ko kaninang nanatili ang ngisi niya.
"Thank you for the ride," sabi ko at tinalikuran na siya ng hindi tinitingnan.
"Magtanong ka riyan kung andyan ba si Roda o si Evelyn," he said.
I nodded without looking at him.
Palapit na ako sa mga bahay pero abot-abot pa rin ang tahip ng puso ko. I am so
embarrassed. I've never wished so bad to be eaten alive by the earth!
"M-Magandang umaga po. Saan po ang bahay nina Evelyn at Roda?" tanong ko sa isang
nanay na dumaang may dalang sako.
"Ako ang nanay ni Roda. Bakit?"
"Uh, c-classmate po nila ako ni Evelyn. Sabi po kasi ng nanay ni Evelyn, nandito
siya kaya..."
"Wala sila rito. Maagang umalis para mag outing sa Ibajay kasama ang mga pinsan
niya."
"P-Po? Outing?"
Oh great! Paano ako uuwi ngayon? Kailangan ko na talaga atang sabihin kay Kael! At
anong outing? Oh my goodness, are they punishing me for not helping them? Ako ba
ang gagawa ng lahat ng ito? Ayos lang naman iyon sa akin pero sana sinabi nila para
hindi na ako nag-abala pang ganito!
"Oo. Bakit?"
"Ah... Sige po, salamat. Paki sabi na lang po na pumunta ako rito para sana sa
assignment."
"Sige... Sasabihin ko," she said a bit annoyed now.
Huminga ako ng malalim at bumaling sa pinanggalingang daan kanina. I saw Jaxon
playing with his helmet. Nanatili siya roon sa motor niya. Nagkatinginan kaming
dalawa. My face heated so bad again. So bad that I am very sure I'm so red!
His eyes drifted to some group of girls nearing us. He languidly maneuvered his
motorbike towards a tree. Naglakad ako patungo roon. Do not tell me he will wait
for me, kung nandito nga sina Evelyn at Roda! Pero wala sila at kailangan ko ngang
sumakay pabalik!
Mabilis akong lumapit sa kanya. His brow shot up and his eyes bore into the whole
of me like in a different and shivering way.
"Wala sina Evelyn at Roda rito. Nag outing daw sa kung saan, kasama ang pinsan.
Okay lang, hindi ko na iistorbohin. Ako na lang ang bahala sa assignment."
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. His eyes drifted again to the group of girls and then he
gave me his helmet.
"Suotin mo na. Baba na tayo," he said.
Tumango ako at sinunod siya. Sinuot ko ang helmet. Kinuha niya sa akin ang mga
libro at may binasa doong kung ano. Pagkatapos kong ayusin ang helmet, nag-angat
siya ng tingin sa akin.
"Marunong ka ba nito?" he asked.
"Hindi pero baka nasa internet ang answers o... I'll find a way to answer."
"Hi Jax! Napadaan ka rito, ah?" the girls now noticed him.
Titingin na sana ako pero nakatitig si Jaxon sa akin. He glared at me for a little
while that I did not have a chance to see the girls.
"Oo. May tiningnan lang," he told them.
"Oh? Sinong kasama mo?"
"I'll help you with this," aniya, ignoring the follow-up question.
"Hindi na. Susubukan ko."
"Sumakay ka na. I'll provide an explanation para hindi ka mahirapan kung may hindi
ka maiintindihan."
Hindi ako agad nakagalaw sa gulat at pag-aalinlangan. I remember the shame I felt
when I hugged him tight. He watched me carefully before he answered the girls.
"Wala!"
"Ganyan naman lagi ang sinasabi mo kapag may sakay kang babae, e. Yiee! Bagong
girlfriend?"
"Sino ba 'yan?"
Kapag may sakay siyang babae? Hinaluan pa ng ibang nararamdaman ang kahihiyang
naramdaman kanina. Something about that line made my stomach churn.
"Come on..." he said.
"Patingin?" panunuya ng mga babae at naramdaman ko ang mga paglapit nila.
Naramdaman kong tatayo na sana si Jaxon para pilitin akong sumakay pero bago niya
nagawa iyon, umangkas na ako.
Marahan ko lang na hinawakan ang baywang niya dahil ayaw kong mapahiya ulit. Baka
isipin niyang masyado akong liberated dahil sa bigla kong kilos na ganoon.
"Next time!" he joked at the girls while puting my hand in place on his hard
stomach, forcing me to at least hug him.
Bago ako makapagprotesta, pinaharurot niya na ang motor palayo roon. My heart
roared like the engine of his motorbike. My hold of him loosened a bit, nahihiya sa
paraan ng pagkakayakap ko. Kaya naman, laking gulat ko nang binitiwan niya ang
isang manibela para lang ayusin ang kumakalas kong kamay. He put it in place, and
made me hug him tighter. Naestatwa ako buong byahe. Hindi ko alam kung bakit...
nakakabingi ang pintig ng aking puso.

[ 7 Kabanata5 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 5
Talent
The trail was very rocky and uphill. Hindi ko alam saan kami magtutungo pero
kumapit lang ako, hindi na nagreklamo. Later on, after the many long and thick
green grass dotted with coconut trees, I saw rocks and dark limestones everywhere.
Habang palapit kami, mas lalo kong nakita kung ano ang meron dito sa pinagdalhan
niya sa akin.
His bike stopped. If I am not mistaken, it's a cliff beyond the black hard rocks
just a few meters away from where we are.
Tinanggal ko ang helmet pagkababa ko ng motor, nakatingin pa rin sa dulo ng tingin
ko'y matarik na talampas. Beyond it is the blue waters of the Costa Leona's sea.
Iginala ko ang aking mga mata sa magkabilang panig doon at nakita ang malawak na
kakahuyan. I swallowed hard and looked at Jaxon who immediately got my books and
walked past me.
Hindi ko alam anong sasabihin ko ngayon at bakit niya ako dinala rito. Naupo siya
sa isang upuang gawa lang sa kahoy sa gitna ng dalawang naglalakihang bato.
Lumingon siya sa bandang kaliwa at ilang saglit na tumitig doon bago binuklat ang
aking libro.
I started walking towards him. Magtatanong na sana ako nang nagsalita siyang bigla
habang tinitingnan ang mga notes ko.
"Is this all?" he asked and looked at me.
Uminit ang pisngi ko. Tumango ako bago nag-angat ng tingin sa tanawin. We really
are in a cliff. It's like in the movies where some kids jump in it for excitement.
Nangatog ang binti ko habang palapit sa dulo ng batuhan para silipin ang lalim ng
talampas.
The crashing of the waves to the limestones were harsh at times, then subtle most.
The right side of it is the long stretch of white beach with a lot of differently
colored boats. 'Di kalayuan ang rock formations na nasisiguro kong gitna ng
baranggay at ng hotel namin.
The other side was a bit more secluded. It was like as if nobody is living there.
At sa malayo, kita ang mas maraming naglalakuhang batuhan. The only white sand
beach I see is the ones very secluded a bit far from here. Judging by the looks of
it, there is no way to come there but through the sea. Walang daanan dahil sa
nakapalibot na matayog na talampas.
"Bakit tayo nandito?"
Nilingon ko si Jaxon na kunot-noong nagsusulat sa aking papel. Ilang sandali pa
bago siya tumigil at nag-angat ng tingin sa akin.
"I wanna answer your project and I'll explain it to you, too."
"Oo. Nasabi mo kanina pero bakit dito mo ako dinala? Hindi sa inyo."
He looked at me with a hint of ruthlessness in his eyes and then he continued to
write on my notes. Ayaw niyang sagutin ang tanong ko. I'm trying my best to
understand his action. May kinalaman ba ito kay Mommy at sa Daddy niya? I wonder if
his Dad didn't want me hanging out in their house?
He sighed heavily before I could say something.
"Hindi magandang makita kang madalas sa aming bahay," sagot niya nang hindi ako
tinitingnan.
It's obvious that he didn't want to talk about it. I nodded bitterly. Maraming
puwedeng dahilan sa iniisip niya. My first choice was my Mom and his Dad's past.
Pero hindi na rin naman siguro iyon big deal, hindi ba? It's in the past and they
both moved on from it. Maybe the other reason is because... like what the girls
said... he has many women. O baka may girlfriend. To see me with him and inside
their house will only stir rumors.
Sinulyapan ko ang sinulat niya sa aking notes. I saw how thin and precise his
penmanship was. Ngumuso ako at namangha sa tuloy-tuloy niyang pagsusulat doon, para
bang kay dali lang ng mga iyon.
"Bakit mo alam ang mga iyan?" I asked, curious.
Ilang sandali siyang sumulyap sa akin sa gitna ng pag-iisip ng sagot sa notes ko at
sa sagot niya sa tinanong ko.
"I'm a chem engineering graduate."
"Oh." I nodded and realized that he may think that I am so dumb right now. Hindi na
nga ako nakasagot ng maayos sa Math. Hindi pa marunong sa chem!
Sinikop ko ang buhok ko dahil sa biglang sobrang lakas ng hangin. Napatingin siya
sa akin. The silence and the blowing wind made it more awkward, at least to me. Sa
nakikita ko sa kanya, he doesn't seem bothered by the silence or the situation.
Nangapa pa ako sa sasabihin dahil hindi naman kami close at hindi ko alam paano
pakiusapan ang isang tulad niya. Something about his air makes me uncomfortable.
"Upo ka. I'll explain this to you. I'm almost done," he said.
Mabilis akong tumango at lumapit na sa upuang kahoy. I can't be far because it's
only a small bench and his legs were so wide apart that We'd touch if I was
reckless. Umupo ako sa pinakadulo, halos takot na mahawakan siya ng kahit konti.
Kahit na nahawakan ko naman siya kanina.
Pinilit kong intindihin ang explanation niya. While thinking of the different
compounds and chemical reactions, I can't help but be distracted with his lips.
He's so passionate in explaining it that I can't help but admire him a bit.
Nasisiguro kong kinuha niya ang kurso niya dahil gusto niya iyon. Sigurado siya sa
kung ano ang gusto niya sa buhay. Most of my friends older than me don't even know
what they want to do with their lives yet. It is refreshing to see someone so sure
of himself.
"Naiintindihan mo ba?" he asked.
Startled, I nodded without thinking.
"Medyo. I'm sorry, hindi ko talaga masyadong kuha ng buo ang chemistry pero may
naiintindihan naman ako."
"That's okay. Madali lang ipasa ang inorganic chem. Kung may hindi ka
naiintindihan, tanungin mo lang ako."
Namamangha akong tumingin sa kanya. The sides of his mouth rose at our long eye
contact. Huminga siya ng malalim at nagtaas ng isang kilay.
"Kailan ba ipapasa 'to?"
"Uh... sa Tuesday pa naman."
Umihip muli ang malakas na hangin. Bumaling ako sa dagat. Nawala ang ulap na
nakatabon sa sinag ng araw. Kung wala kami sa ilalim ng isang napakalaking puno,
baka natamaan na rin kami ng init.
"Then you have time to study my explanations."
Tumango ako at bumaling na sa kanya nang nakitang tumayo siya. He held out my notes
and my books for me. Tumayo ako at kinuha na rin iyon nang natantong aalis na yata
kami.
Naglakad siya patungo sa motor at kinuha niya ang kanyang helmet. He then looked at
me and showed it to me. Dumiretso na ako sa kanya at kinuha na rin iyon.
I am not sure if he's taunting me or he's thinking of something funny but it shows
on his face. It was as if he's holding back a smirk.
"Baka hinahanap ka na. Iuuwi na kita."
Umiling ako. "My Mom isn't that strict of me anymore... compared when I was in
Manila."
Ngumuso siya at sumandal sa kanyang motor habang nakahalukipkip. "So, you're saying
that we can stay for a while?"
What?
"Uh... No... I'm just explaining that my mom isn't going to... look for me... just
yet."
"We can stay for a while," he said in a light tone.
Bago pa ako makapagprotesta, he jerked his head towards the sea and continued.
"Gusto mo ba ang tanawin?"
"A-Ayos lang. Uh... I'm not very fond of the beach. It's hot, humid..." sabay
haplos ko sa aking balat. "It irritates my skin."
Iginala niya ang mga mata niya sa aking katawan. Something about the way he bore
his eyes intensely on me made me uncomfortable for some reason. Hindi ko alam kung
bakit ganoon. My heartbeat is then rising fast and hard. He's not handsome, I
repeated on my mind. Or at least he's not my type. He's a bit more mature and more
intense than my types of boys. Kaya imposibleng kinakabahan ako dahil may
nararamdan akong pareho sa naramdaman ko noon kay Harper.
Umawang ang labi niya, may sasabihin sana pero kinagat niya na lang iyon at
tinanguan ako.
"Scared to get a tanned skin, huh?"
I hugged my arms tightly. Umiling ako sa tanong niya.
"No. More like... scared to get burnt."
Nagtaas ang kanyang kilay at muling tumango. The silence between us is deafening. I
find it really awkward at mas lalo lang akong kinakabahan tuwing nakikita kong
titig na titig siya sa akin, oozing with confidence that he couldn't even feel the
awkwardness I am feeling.
"Uh... Anong... beach 'yong nandoon? Walang tao," sabi ko para maibsan ang
nararamdaman.
Itinuro ko ang nakitang maliit na beach sa may kaliwang dako namin. He didn't
answer so I looked at him again. He was staring intently at me for a few moment
bago sinulyapan ang itinuro ko.
"Secret beach. Walang ibang paraan para marating 'yan kundi ang pagsakay sa bangka.
Wanna go there?"
"No... No... not really. I was just curious." Lalo akong kinabahan. "Pati rin ba
rito, konti lang ang pumupunta?"
"Oo. Hindi abot ng tricycle at mahirap din sa motor kaya walang nagpupunta rito.
Marami pang lugar na mas madaling puntahan at maganda rin kaya, doon nagpupunta ang
mga tao. Dito... hindi na..."
I nodded. Is this where he usually bring his women? I strayed from that thought
because it's none of my business, really.
"Ilang buwan ka na rito sa Costa Leona? Hindi ka pa nakakapunta kahit saan dito
bukod sa hotel ninyo?"
"Oo, hindi pa. It's my third month here. It's okay though. I'm fine in our
mansion."
"Oh, so... you just like the comfort of your home instead of exploring," he said a
bit taunting.
It bothered me that he thinks of me that way. Maaaring tama nga siya sa parteng
iyon pero ayaw ko rin namang ganoon ang isipin niya sa akin. Hindi ko maintindihan
ang sarili ko. Sa huli, wala rin akong nagawa kundi hayaan siyang ganoon nga ang
isipin sa akin.
"I don't have friends to accompany me so..."
Napawi ang multo ng ngiti sa kanyang labi. Nagkatinginan ulit kami at kung hindi
lang natabunan ang tingin ko ng sumabog kong buhok, baka mas nakita ko ang talagang
ekspresyon niya. Nahuli ko ang bahagyang iritasyon sa mga mata niya pero agad ding
nawala.
"Huwag mong piliting makipagkaibigan sa mga taong hindi maganda ang trato sa'yo.
Magkakaroon ka rin ng kaibigan dito..."
I smiled positively. "Yes, I know. Siguro ngayong Assembly sa Monday, kapag
nakapasok ako sa Dance group, magkakaroon na ako ng mga kaibigan."
His brow shot up and his lips pursed again in another taunting smile. Is there
something funny?
"Magaling kang sumayaw?"
Uminit ang pisngi ko. Why am I so uncomfortable? All my confidence flew out of the
window.
"I have ballet classes back in Manila. So I kind of know how to dance or
cheerdance."
He smirked. "Kung ganoon, siguro nga matatanggap ka."
Nagkatinginan kami. Our eye contact got distracted when his phone rang. Bumagsak
ang tingin ko nang nakitang kinuha niya ito sa kunot na noo at sinagot. He also
moved away from the bike, turning his back on me.
"Rowena..." he said.
Tumikhim ako at inabala ang sarili sa dalang helmet niya. Hindi kaya hinahanap na
siya ng girlfriend niya? Paano na lang kung nalamang kasama niya ako? May kasama
siyang ibang babae? But for sure he can find a way to make an excuse. He's just
helping me out... helping... a student...
Bakit hindi ko gusto ang tono noon? Hindi ko alam.
Nagpatuloy siyang sagutin ang tawag. Hindi ko na marinig ang pinag-uusapan nila
pero medyo matagal iyon. Hindi kaya pinapagalitan na siya? Baka naman tingin niya
gusto ko pang manatili rito kaya sinusubukan niyang gawin iyon? But who am I to
make him do things that will only trouble him in the end?
Binaba niya ang tawag at agad na rin akong nagsalita.
"Uuwi na ako."
He nodded and without delay, dumiretso na sa motor at pinaandar na iyon. Maybe he
planned to ask me to go home after the call. Why this making me overthink is a big
question to me! Ano ngayon, hindi ba? I shouldn't think about it much.
Umangkas ako sa kanya at humawak na sa baywang niya. Gumilid siya ng konti at
nakita kong sinulyapan niya ang aking kamay.
"Lubak-lubak ang daan. Kung ganyan lang ang hawak mo sa akin, baka mahulog ka."
Slowly, I moved my hands a bit towards his stomach. Umusod din ako at dumikit ulit
ang katawan sa kanyang likod. I caught him smirking before making the bike's engine
roar.
Hindi kalayuan ang pinanggalingan namin, pero liblib iyon. Mabilis kaming
nakarating sa gate ng hotel. Doon niya ako binaba. Hinawakan niya ang mga libro ko
habang bumababa sa motor. Tinanggal ko ang helmet nang muling tumunog ang cellphone
niya. Nagkatinginan kami.
"Salamat sa pagtulong at paghatid."
"Walang anuman," he said while looking at his phone.
He didn't answer it. Pinatay niya ang tawag at nilagay sa bulsa ang cellphone bago
pinaandar ulit ang motor. He only nodded at me for his goodbye bago matulin na
umalis. For a fleeting moment, I felt my heart bitterly thinking about the call and
a woman's name... Rowena.
Hindi ko namalayan kung ilang oras kong inisip iyon sa loob ng aking kuwarto. I
just know that i slept thinking about the moment too much. Pagkagising ko,
nagdesisyon na lang ako na balewalain iyon.
Mommy checked on me. I only told her that I got all the help I needed kaya hindi na
ako nasundo ni Kael. Hindi niya na rin naman siya nagtanong ng karagdagan dahil
abala ata siya sa party na dinaluhan nila ni Daddy.
Sa linggo, naabutan ako ni Mommy at Daddy na nag eensayo para sa aking pag-
aaudition sa Dance Group. Mom clapped when I finished. She smiled and gave positive
praises that boosted my weakening confidence.
"Sigurado akong makukuha ka niyan, hija. Ang galing galing mo," si Daddy.
"Yes. That's for sure! Iyan ang gusto ko para sa'yo, Amber. To be active in school
and to have genuine friends. Anyway, you don't need to conform to the society in
your Manila friends because you are the society. You are at the top."
Pagod kong nginitian si Mommy. That's all that matters to her. Minsan, nakakapagod
isipin iyon pero minsan naman, hinahayaan ko na lang siya.
"So never mind your Manila friends. Hindi ikaw ang magsisikap na maging kaibigan
nila. Ikaw ang pagsisikapan nilang maging kaibigan."
"Mommy, that's enough. Phillie is a genuine friend to me, too."
"Ang ibig kong sabihin ay ang mga trip ng iilan sa kaibigan mo sa Manila. The
things that they find cool aren't classy. Your house parties and the likes are all
low class. You will live for formal exclusive parties and glittering things."
"Maria Emilia, tama na 'yan," si Daddy sabay tawa.
Mommy smiled wickedly at me. Pagod akong ngumiti at niyakap na lang siya.
"May international modeling agency na nag-ooffer sa'yo."
"Talaga po?" nagulat ako roon. If this is true, that's big for her. She might
change her mind in making me stay here.
"Oo, hija. But I'll think about it. It's better if you're at least eighteen kapag
sumabak sa ganyan. Anyway, they like you so much that they can afford to wait. What
do you think?"
"Paano 'yan? Lilipat ulit ako sa pag-aaral?" medyo excited kong sinabi.
"Well, I'll think about it. I'll weigh the consequences first."
"Thank you, Mommy!" at niyakap ko ulit siya.
Somehow, the thought of a chance for me to get out of here made my spirits up.
Walang pag-aalinlangan kong iiwan ang lugar na ito. Though, I wonder if I make new
friends after tomorrow, will it be easy for me to leave this place by then?
Maaga ako nang nag Lunes. Our attendance were checked on the assembly but we are
free to roam around the campus for the whole day to find the right clubs and all.
Ang iba naman, ang mga walang planong sumali, nagkakasundong umalis at magsaya na
lang sa kung saan.
I prepared my ballet and ribbon routine. Ang pangalawa kong inayos ay ang isasayaw
ko kung sakaling maghanap sila ng cheerdance or hiphop. Although, I know my skills
in ballet usually would land me in any dance groups back home.
Alas dies nang nagsimula ang mga clubs sa pagpapalista ng mga gustong makilahok.
Nagpalista ako at medyo matagal pa sa pila kaya maghihintay pa ako hanggang
mamayang after lunch.
I ate my lunch alone and after that, I change into an old cheerdance uniform.
Naisip ko kasing nakakahiya kung mag baballet dress ako samantalang hindi naman
ganoon ang hanap ng grupo.
Mas lalo akong kinabahan nang nakita ang dami ng taong naroon sa harap.
Unipormadong basketball boys ang naroon sa bleachers, nagchi-cheer sa lahat ng nag
aaudition. Bukod pa iyon sa maraming estudyanteng nag-aabang din sa kanilang
kaklase o kaibigan na nakilahok.
Sa pila pa lang, sinusubukan kong kausapin ang mga freshmen na naroon. But nothing
is new to the way they treat me. Sasagutin lang ang tanong ko, tapos wala na, hindi
interesado na makipagkilala. Even just the sharing of nervousness.
Nakita ko ang mga ginawa ng naunang nag audition. Some of them were a bit
inexperienced kaya nareject. Most of those who got in knows hiphop. May isa ding
nakapasok dahil sa ballet na routine kaya naisip kong puwede na iyong sa akin.
"Amber Emilianna Sevilla," tawag ng isang senior na nasa long table, siyang magju-
judge sa papasok o hindi.
Bumundol ng husto ang kaba ko pero diretso pa rin ang lakad ko patungo sa gitna.
Nawala ang hiyawan ng lahat. Pati ang biruan galing sa mga basketball player,
nawala rin. I'm suddenly more confident. I feel like their silence means they are
giving me a chance to earn their respect.
"Audio?" nagtaas ng kilay ang isang senior na nasa gitna ng tatlo.
"Uh, binigay ko na roon," sabi ko sabay tingin sa ilan pang miyembro ng dance
group.
"Hindi gumagana!" they declared.
"Huh? Paano nangyari 'yon?"
Lalapit na sana ako para tingnan ang flashdisk na dala pero nagsalita ang nasa
gitna.
"Next. Pinapatagal mo lang, e."
"Naku! Sorry... Pero kasi... Uh..." natataranta na ako.
Samahan pa ng "boo" sa mga manonood, mas lalo lang akong nastress. The silence was
gone. Napalitan iyon ng pangungutya at kung anu-ano pang mga sinasabi. For a
moment, I lost it. My anxiety got me. Pinagtuonan ko ng pansin ang mga manonood.
"Sarap pa naman sana ng legs, pero tanga lang..." sabi ng isa sa mga players.
"Patikim na lang!"
"Boo! Hindi 'yan marunong!"
"Puro ganda lang!"
"Walang talent!"
Natawa pa ang dalawang judges na seniors dahil sa mga sinasabi ng audience. Then it
hit me. This is the last time I will try to fit in in this school. Kapag hindi ako
nakapasok, I will definitely give up. This is too much!
"Kahit wala na lang audio! I can do it without music! Can I start now?"
Natatawa pa ang babae bago siya tumango. "O edi sige. Start ka na..."
I feel so awkward dancing to the rhythm in my head. Pero sa simula lang iyon. Nang
pinikit ko ang mga mata ko at narinig ang tono ng hinanda kong kanta sa utak ko,
nawala na ang kahihiyan ko. My routine was so flawless. I didn't even feel my fast
heartbeat or my trembling knees.
Ilang sandaling natahimik ang lahat hanggang sa natapos ako. It was a straight
three-minute routine that showcased the things I can do for the cheering squad and
the moves I can do for their hiphop or regular dance.
I bowed at the end of my routine. May narinig akong pumalakpak sa basketball boys
pero nawala rin nang nagtulakan at nag-asaran ang mga ito. I smiled at the three
senior girls in front. Some girl-audience booed while the others were whispering
things I couldn't understand.
"Hmmm... So ballet..."
"Opo. But I've done cheer dance back in Manila-"
"I am not asking," agap niya.
"Hindi ko gusto ang performance," sabi noong senior na nasa gitna.
"Nakulangan ako ng konti," the other one seconded.
Wait a minute. I can't believe this. I am very sure that I am better than all those
girls they accepted! I am not overly confident but I know dancing and I've been
dancing ever since. I know what's good and what's not. I may not be the best but I
was definitely better than the girls they accepted!
"B-But... Puwede kong ipakita ang ibang routines ko. Cheerdance or-"
"Hmm. Ayaw ata ng audience sa'yo..." sabi naman noong isa. "Importante rin kasi
iyon."
Pumalakpak ang iba at tumawa. Imbes na mag focus sa sinabi ng babae, mas iginala ko
ang mga mata ko sa audience. Most of them booed me. Most of them made faces and
laughed at me.
"Siguro sa Manila, gaya ng pinagmamalaki mo, pero rito, hindi ka magaling."
"You're not good enough for us. We don't see talent in you."
It was fine. It was humbling. I would accept their explanations even though I don't
think it's just. Pero ang hindi ko matanggap ay ang mga reaction ng audience. Most
of them were happy because of my fall. Most of them are cheering down at me.
Nakitawa ang mga judges. Naestatwa ako sa harap habang pinagmamasdan ang mga itsura
ng manonood. Kahihiyan at sakit ang naramdaman kong sabay.
"We're really sorry," sabi noong isa, medyo malungkot pero hindi nakayanan ang
ngiti nang nagtawanan ang audience.
"Girls? What are you doing?!" narinig kong tanong ng isang teacher na siyang
adviser ng Dance group. "I like her performance! I was watching you all from afar!
I can't believe you aren't taking her!"
Napawi ang tawanan sa biglaang pagpapakita ng matandang adviser. Namutla ang
tatlong nasa harap.
Huli na nga lang ang lahat. Hindi ko na nakayanan. Tears rolled down my cheeks.
Those weren't even tears of sadness. Those were tears of anger and betrayal.
Mabilis ang takbo ko habang pinupulot ang duffel bag na dala kanina. Dire-diretso
ako palabas doon, hindi inalintana ang mga panunuyang inabot galing sa estudyanteng
nakasalubong.
"Miss Sevilla, wait!" narinig ko ang iilang senior pero hindi na ako lumingon.
Masyado akong napahiya sa lahat ng pangungutya ng audience. The seniors weren't
helping. Nakikisabay pa o 'di kaya'y tahimik lang. Wala ni isang nagtanggol man
lang sa akin.
I have never been humiliated that way my entire life! And in front of so many
people, by so many people! By all of them!
Hindi ko alam ang desisyon ng teacher pero halos wala na akong pakealam doon. It
hurt me so much that I almost don't want to join anymore. As much as I want to rest
on some benches and cry, I couldn't. Sobrang dami kong naririnig na pangungutya na
hindi ko na kaya.
Wala pa ang driver namin at kung ititext ko iyon ngayon, nasisiguro kong
maghihintay pa ako ng ilang minuto sa gate at hindi ko na kaya iyon. I ran as fast
as I can through the gates and as fast as I can far from it, just to escape the
giggles and judgemental eyes of my schoolmates.
Nanginginig ang kamay kong naghanap sa loob ng bag ng wallet para kumuha ng pera. I
don't know where I'm going, I just know that I can't be home now. Lalo na dahil
hindi ko alam anong isasagot ko kay Mommy kapag nalaman niya ito. She will be very
disappointed of me.
I just want to go somewhere. Somewhere that's secluded and where I will be
undisturbed. It is certainly not our hotel or the mansion. Suminghot ako at pinara
ang tricycle. Hindi ko alam kung saan iyon. Alam ko ring hindi makakapasok ang
tricycle sa daanang iyon, lalakarin ko na lang.
Nagulat ako nang hindi pa nakakalapit ang tricycle na pinapara, may tumigil na sa
harap ko. Jaxon's dark eyes bore into me for a few moments. Binigay niya sa akin
ang helmet.
"Ihahatid na kita," he said in a slow and firm voice.
Umiling ako. I don't know if he knew what happened back in the auditorium. I won't
be surprised if he did. Sa totoo lang, sa lahat ng tao rito, siya lang ang naiisip
kong may malasakit sa akin kahit paano. Hindi niya man sinabi, alam kong pinaalis
niya ang mga kaklase ko sa math na galit noong nakaraan. Ngayon, hindi na ako
magtataka kung naawa ulit siya sa akin kaya siya nandito.
"H-Hindi na. A-Ayaw ko pang umuwi..." sabi ko.
His eyes darkened a bit with what I think was anger and irritation. Sa huli,
kumalma siya at bumuntong hininga.
"Then... where do you want to go? Ihahatid kita doon."
Uminit ang pisngi ko. It dawned on me that it's embarrassing to tell him where I
want to go. Siya ang nagturo sa akin sa lugar na iyon.
"H-Hindi na... Okay lang akong mag-isa-"
"Saan?" hindi niya na halos ako pinatapos.
I figured he won't stop if I don't tell him so I did.
"Doon lang sa... pinagdalhan mo sakin noong Sabado."
Tumitig siya sa akin. Tumigil ang tricycle sa harap ng motor niya at didiretso na
sana ako papasok doon. Handa na ang pamasahe pero marahas niya akong hinila pabalik
sa kinatatayuan ko. He's not only tall and with enough muscle, he's also strong
that I couldn't move much.
"Ako na ang bahala rito, Mang Teban. Tumulak ka na. Wala ka pong pasahero rito."
Tumawa ang driver. "O sige, Jaxon! Ikaw talaga ha..."
"What? W-Wait..." sinubukan kong kumawala pero 'tsaka niya lang ako pinakawalan
nang tuluyan nang umalis ang tricycle.

[ 8 Kabanata6 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 6
Call
Mabilis akong bumaba galing sa pagkakasakay sa kanyang motor. The overflowing
feelings and outburst I had back in the school faded with the brief and windy ride.
Hindi ko na tuloy alam kung tama pa bang nagpahatid ako sa kanya rito pero hindi ko
iyon ipapahalata.
Dumiretso ako sa bench na inupuan niya noong nakaraan. Inaayos niya pa sa manibela
ang helmet na ibinigay ko kanina.
"Ayos na ako rito. Salamat sa paghatid," sabi ko para malaman niya na hindi na
naman ako nag-eexpect na ihahatid niya ako pabalik kung sakaling uuwi na nga ako.
He sighed heavily. The urge to turn and look at him is strong but I didn't. Pinirmi
ko ang mga mata ko sa harap hanggang sa narinig ko ang mga yapak niya papunta sa
akin.
Kalmado na ako. Napalis man ang mga luha kanina, alam kong kita pa rin ang dami ng
iniyak ko. Naupo siya sa tabi ko kaya hindi ko na napigilan ang paglingon. He
looked at me darkly. I wanted so much to divert his attention so I smiled fakely.
"Ayos lang ako dito. Kahit ako na ang umuwi mag-isa."
"I don't think so. Hindi mo yata alam ang daan pabalik..." he said in a light tone.
Bumaling ako sa dinaanan namin. Alam ko kung saan kami galing pero tama siyang
mahihirapan ako kung nasa gitna na. Hindi ko alam kung saan pa ang tungo roon kaya
tama siya.
"Puwede namang pag-aralan," giit ko.
"You'll get lost in here. Gusto mo bang mangyari 'yon?" he said darkly now.
Umiling ako at tumingin sa kanya. His gloomy smirk made my heart pound a bit
harder.
"Hindi no! P-Pero ayaw ko lang makaabala sa'yo. Hindi ba sub ka ni Sir Ruben? E
'di-"
"Walang pasok, hindi ba? Kaya wala rin akong ginagawa kanina."
Umawang ang bibig ko para sa muntik nang masabing iba pang dahilan. Hindi ko ito
nasabi. Uminit ang pisngi ko at nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. His look slowly became
serious. Mas lalo kong isinantabi ang unang naisip at pinalitan iyon ng ibang
sasabihin.
"N-Nakita mo ba ang nangyari sa audition ko?" I said awkwardly.
Ganoon ba ka hirap ang dagdag na tanong kanina at napili kung buksan ang isa pang
mabigat na topic? I bit my tongue to stop myself from saying anything that is
related to my supposed question.
"Hindi pero base sa narinig ko, may pakiramdam akong alam ko kung ano ang
nangyari."
Yumuko ako. Unti-unting naisip ang kahihiyan kanina pero bahagya ring napabuntong-
hinga sa pasasalamat na hindi niya nakita iyon. I would die if he saw me humiliated
that way.
"For sure, hindi papayag si Mrs. de Guzman na hindi ka sumali sa Dance group."
"Pero hindi gusto ng audience at ng ibang senior members ng grupo," I said
miserably.
Hindi siya nagsalita. Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya at nakita kong mas lalo lang
naging mabigat iyon.
Nakakahiya ang nangyari kanina pero alam kong karapatan ko rin ang hustisya. I did
well so I had to be included to the group. I didn't want to be there because of the
humiliation some seniors and the audience caused me. Sa byahe, natanto kong kung
tatalikuran ko ang puwedeng pagbawi ng desisyon nila, ako na mismo ang tumanggi sa
puwedeng ibigay na hustisya.
"You don't know that yet... Marami ang miyembro sa grupong 'yon at puwedeng iilan
lang ang nanood sa'yo kanina."
Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. I can't deny the hope that's shining in my eyes
as I watch him say that. Hindi rin karamihan ang nanonood at hindi ko
nakakalimutang kahit paano, may pumalakpak din pagkatapos ng sayaw ko.
He sighed heavily. "Gusto mo talagang makapasok sa grupong 'yon?"
I nodded fast sa huli, nalungkot. "Sana..."
"Bakit mo gustong sumali?"
"Para magkaroon ng kaibigan," sabi ko.
"Girl friends... and boy friends?" he asked.
"Oo. 'Tsaka, mahilig din kasi akong sumayaw kaya kung sasali ako, nagkaroon na ako
ng kaibigan, ginagawa ko pa ang bagay na gusto ko."
He looked away. Sa ilang saglit kong pagtitig sa kanya, napansin kong dumaan ang
iritasyon sa mga mata niya pero agad ding nawala. Guni-guni ko lang siguro iyon.
"Tinawag naman ako kanina. Narinig ko naman na gusto ng adviser ang naging routine
ko pero masyado lang akong nahiya at nagpaapekto sa mga pang-aasar..." I recalled.
His lips parted a bit. Nakatitig na siya sa akin ngayon.
"I would never disprove their prejudice of me if I don't go out there and show them
that I am not like what they think of me. Iniisip kasi nila na dahil taga Manila
ako, mapagmataas at mayabang na. Na dahil... anak ako ni Mommy, maarte rin ako."
Nanatili ang titig niya sa akin. He looked stunned or something. Ngumiti lang ako.
"Pasensya na. Tumakbo lang naman ako kanina at ginusto ko lang umalis dahil masyado
akong naging emosyonal. Maayos na ang pakiramdam ko ngayon. Sometimes, I'm really
impulsive and emotional but it subsides really fast."
Tinagilid ko ang ulo ko para ipakitang talagang ayos na ako. Sa itsura niya kasi
para bang hindi naniniwala sa sinabi ko. He looked away for a few moments. He
swallowed hard before he turned to me again, licking his lips, making it look
redder. Bahagya akong napakurap-kurap. I can't help but notice his smallest moves.
I don't know why but I find his every move very... catching. Or is there another
term?
I blushed when I realized I know where this is heading. Ni hindi ko alam bakit ako
natutulak sa kaisipang iyan. Kahit na nagkaboyfriend ako, hindi ko kailanman
hinayaan ang isipan kong maligaw sa mga makamundong bagay.
"Gusto mo pa bang sumali, kung ganoon?" and it doesn't help that his tone right now
seems like he just woke up and still on his bed.
Para akong aatakehin sa puso habang dinadama ang bawat malakas na ugong nito. I
immitated his lip licking without thinking and stopped when I realized it.
"O-Oo..."
"Then... should we go back and talk to the adviser?"
Uminit ang pisngi ko. Hindi dahil sa sinabi niya kundi dahil sa ibang bagay na
ewan.
"Kung gusto mo talaga 'to..." pahabol niya.
"Ayos lang kaya?" hindi ko siguradong tanong.
His jaw clenched for a fast moment and his gray eyes darkened more. He swallowed
hard again.
"Kung gusto mo talaga, ayos lang."
"Tingin mo magandang sumali ako?" medyo nag-aalinlangan ko nang tanong.
"Huwag mo akong tanungin, baka hindi mo magustuhan ang sagot ko. You decide. You
want it, right?"
Kumunot ang noo ko. Nawala bigla sa isipan ko ang kahalagahan ng pagsali ko doon.
Sa hindi malamang rason, mas nag-alala ako sa naunang sinabi niya.
"Bakit hindi ko magugustuhan ang sagot mo? Hindi mo gustong sumali ako?"
He didn't answer. He only looked away with his jaw obviously clenching.
"P-Puwede namang hindi... uh..." kumunot ang noo ko, hindi alam kung ano ang
sinasabi.
"Never mind my opinion," he said huskily.
Ilang saglit ko siyang tinitigan bago siya tumayo.
"Bumalik na tayo roon at kakausapin ko si Mrs. de Guzman. Hindi maganda ang ginawa
sa'yo ng mga nandoon."
May sasabihin pa sana ako pero tinamaan na ako ng hiya. Tumango na lang ako at
tumayo. Nagpatuloy na siya sa paglalakad patungo sa kanyang motor. The silence
between us is suddenly defeaning. Ang titigan namin ay biglang naging makahulugan.
Hindi ko alam kung sa akin lang ba iyon o naramdaman niya rin iyon.
When he held out his helmet to me and I received it, it was as if I'm floating or
something. Umangkas siya sa motor niya at dahan-dahan, sumunod na rin ako. His bike
roared into life and slowly, nilagay ko ang kamay ko sa kanyang baywang.
I realize that there's a change in the way I touch him. May kung ano na akong
naramdaman na hindi ko kayang hawakan siya gaya ng dati. I unconsciously tried to
correct the way I held his abdomen. Hindi ko tuloy sinasadya ang paghagod. My face
heated again that I had to withdrew my touch from him.
Yumuko siya, tinitingnan ang ginagawa ko.
"S-Sorry..." nanginig ang boses ko.
He covered my hand with his and put it in place. It made me hug him tighter. I
stopped breathing for the whole moment. Lalo na dahil kahit na umayos na ang kamay
ko, hindi niya pa rin tinatanggal ang hawak niya.
Dahan-dahan niyang iniwan ang kamay ko. Hinawakan ang manibela at ilang sandaling
sinulyapan iyon bago pinaandar ang motor palayo roon.
Buong byahe, iyon ang naging laman ng isipan ko. The awkwardness I felt only
resonated when his bike stopped near the school. Wala nang tunog ng makina sa gitna
namin at nakakabinging katahimikan na lang ang naghahari. Our stolen glances at
each other speaks volumes to me. My heart is fluttering so bad and I could say it
is a foreign feeling to me.
"Thank you. Ako na ang kakausap kay Mrs. de Guzman," I offered to break the
silence.
His lips protruded and he shook his head. "Sasamahan na kita."
Sabay kaming pumasok sa escuelahan. Nakita ko ang iilang tingin sa amin. Some even
greeted him and I walk there beside him, silently. Tinitingnan ko ang mga
pumapansin sa kanya at nakikita ko ang iilang palakaibigang ngiti ng iba.
Muling natabunan ang iniisip ko nang nakita kung sino ang sumasalubong sa amin. It
is the adviser of the dance group and the seniors who were the judge. Medyo
malulungkot ang mga seniors at wala na sa mukha ang ipinamalas na yabang at
panghuhusga kanina.
"Mr. Riego! Thanks for bringing Miss Sevilla back! I am so disappointed at my
dancers for doing such a thing! That's bullying!" she boomed.
"Walang anuman, Mrs. de Guzman."
She smiled at him bago sa akin.
"Pasensya na, hija. Hindi ko alam na ganito ang mangyayari pero nagawan ko na ng
paraan ang tungkol sa kanila. Iyon ay kung interesado ka pang sumali..."
"Opo sana, Ma'am... pero kung tingin nila hindi sapat ang alam ko, hindi naman po
ako magrereklamo. Puwede naman po akong kausapin ng maayos."
She looked at the seniors who all looked so miserable now. Takot sila sa adviser at
pareho silang nanliliit sa titig nito.
"See? Iyan ba ang sinasabi ninyong... I will suspend those who did this!" she
announced in front of everyone.
Naroon pa ang iilang audience at ang bulung-bulungan nila ngayon, hindi na para sa
akin kundi para sa mga seniors. Mabilis akong umiling.
"Ayos lang naman po ang nangyari, Ma'am. My only issue was the rude way of
assessing my ability and that is all-"
"No!" she said firmly. "I do not tolerate the bullying. They all should apologize
and be punished!"
"Sorry..." pag-uunahan nila.
"Sorry, Amber."
"Pasensya na, Amber. Hindi ko naman talaga gustong mangyari 'to."
"I'm sorry, Amber..." sabay lapit sa akin ng pinaka tahimik na senior kanina sabay
hawak sa aking braso.
"Sorry, uh... kalaunan umandar naman ang kanta sa flash drive. Nag hang lang yata
ang stereo gaya ng madalas..."
Paulit-ulit silang nagsorry. The attention and the apology warmed my heart that I
turned to Mrs. de Guzman.
"I forgive all of them, Ma'am. Kontento na po ako na inacknowledge nila ang mali
nila."
"Yes, they should because it was very rude! Pero, hija, the school's rules are
rules and it is included in the handbook that members are to suffer suspension to
the club's activities as punsihment to their actions! Hindi puwedeng sorry lang
dahil ano pang silbi ng ginawang panuntunan kung ganoon."
Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Yumuko ang mga nagkasala at ang ibang mukhang kasali sa
grupo, tumango at sumang-ayon sa gustong mangyari ni Ma'am.
"Halika. I'll call a meeting for the whole group. Auditions will continue on our
next schedule. For now, I want a meeting for all of you."
"Po?" gulat kong tanong.
"Kasali ka, Miss Sevilla. It's obvious that you are talented. So if you please join
us, I have a few words for the seniors and the rest of the group."
Sumama na ako sa kanila. Nilingon ko ang pinanggalingan ko at nakita ko si Jaxon
doon, palayo na at pabalik na rin siguro sa faculty. I sighed and continued walking
towards the group.
Masayang tinanggap ni Mommy ang ibinalita ko sa kanya. Hindi ko man idinetalye na
ang buong nangyari, kuntento na rin naman siyang malaman na napasali nga ako.
"I know you would do good! I think you are even better than anyone of them!" she
declared proudly.
I smiled.
Sa meeting, nasa harap ang limang nagkasalang seniors. Tama si Jaxon, marami pa
silang miyembro at may iilang seniors pa na hindi naman ganoon ang ugali. The five
seniors handed down their uniforms as a sign of their susupension, and... I heard,
probably dismissal from the club.
The sophomores were immediately hyped up dahil gusto nilang maging pamalit doon sa
mga natanggal. Nobody was then rude to me from there. Everyone was civil and
respectful. I just hope it will last and I just hope eventually, I will have
friends. Sa ngayon, kuntento na ako sa tungo nila sa akin.
The next days were better, too. Iyong mga bastos na kumento ng mga basketball
players, nawala na. Isang beses dumaan ako sa gitna ng pangkat nila, akala ko
makakatanggap ako ng pambabastos pero tahimik lang sila. I even hugged my books
tigher because I'm so scared pero halos walang humihinga o gumagalaw sa kanila.
Binalikan ko ng tingin ang grupo. Most of them watched me in serious stares. I
unconsciously smiled at myself because somehow, my days are better. Hindi pa man
ako nagkaroon ng kaibigan, the change in the people's treatment of me is a big
thing.
"Who got the highest score?" Jaxon asked after a few days of hard and long lectures
in Math.
"Si... Amber Sevilla po, sir..." sabi ng may hawak sa papel ko.
Namilog ang mga mata ko. Napatingin ako kay Jaxon. He smirked a bit. Nagsisimula na
kasing maging medyo mahirap ang lessons kaya nahihirapan na rin ang iba.
Napatingin ang iilang kaklase ko sa akin, pagkatapos kay Jaxon. Masyado kasi akong
tumitig at nangiti, mayabang sa score na ipinakita sa kanya. Nakakahiya tuloy.
Yumuko ako at nagsulat na lang sa notebook para kunwari abala.
My chem class is better, too. Hindi man friendly ang mga kasama ko, simula noong
perpektong nagawa ni Jaxon ang assignment namin at naihayag ko rin sa kanilang
mabuti, medyo nakikita na nila na may kuwenta naman ako. Iyon nga lang, habang
tumatagal, lalong nagiging mahirap ang bawat topic kaya kailangan pa ng ibayong
pag-sstudy kung gusto kong panatilihing ganoon.
It's been two weeks since it happened and I can say that my disposition have been
better. Wala pang kaibigan pero hindi ko inakalang, kuntento na ako. Kuntento ako
dahil hindi na muli ako nakatanggap ng magaspang na tungo.
I am not sure if I earned it when I joined the Dance Group or what... I'm just
really glad.
"Amber..." tawag ng kaklase ko.
Nilingon ko siya. It's our major in business. The old professor was still mean to
me at times but lately, I sensed something else in the way he treats me. Noong
nakaraang araw kasi, huli akong nakapagpasa ng papel sa kanya. I handed my paper to
him and he received it. His hand clipped mine for a few moments and he smiled
creepily. It was a weird experience that I'd even want him to be rude to me,
instead, than be friendly and creepy.
"Bakit?" tanong ko sa kaklase.
"Totoo bang ayos na raw si Sir Ruben?"
Nagulat ako roon. How would I know that, right? I wish for Sir Ruben to be better
but I completely forgot about it.
"H-Hindi ko alam, e. Bakit?"
"Wala lang. Ang sabi kasi, baka papasok na si Sir. E... 'di wala na si Sir Jax?
Hindi ba close kayo non? Dapat alam mo."
"C-Close? Uh... Hindi naman... Uh..." medyo natataranta ako.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit hiyang-hiya ako na ganoon ang tingin nila sa aming dalawa.
Madalas niya kasi akong tawagin pag may recitation o may ipapasolve sa harap.
Honestly, I'm always nervous but a part of me is so proud of myself if I answer him
correctly. And what I'd give to see his brow shot up and smirk. What?
Uminit ang pisngi ko.
"Sige huwag na. Mukhang wala ka ngang alam," aniya at kinausap na ang ibang
kaklase.
Hindi natanggal iyon sa aking isipan buong araw. Kahit bukas pa ng hapon ang klase
ko sa kanya, iyon pa rin ang iniisip ko.
I realized how I just suddenly got used to him. Hindi ko namalayang temporary nga
lang pala siya roon. And that night, I imagined myself having to go to school
without looking forward of his class.
Inabot na ako ng hating gabi sa kaiisip na hindi kaya kaya maganda ang tungo sa
akin dahil sa kanya? Kinausap niya kaya ang mga tao? Nagalit kaya siya sa kanila?
Humalakhak ako sa aking kama at ibinaon ang mukha sa aking unan. Bakit niya gagawin
iyon, Amber? You silly girl! Why would your wild imagination think of that?
Then I imagine myself going to school without him. It will be very boring. No
colour. Napawi ang ngiti ko at malungkot na lang na tumitig sa kurtinang puti. The
moon is shining brightly above the sky. It made me sad.
Then there will be no way to see him or to talk to him? Unless kung pupunta kami
kina Evelyn para sa Chemistry namin?
"Madali lang ipasa ang inorganic chem. Kung may hindi ka naiintindihan, tanungin mo
lang ako."
Or should I hold on to what he said? Pero iisipin niyang ang bobo ko dahil tanong
ako nang tanong. Hindi naman siguro? He's not rude... Okay... not that rude. I
remember when he called me... "arte".
I smirked.
Paano ba ito? Kailan kaya? Bukas kaya, andyan pa siya? Baka mamaya si Sir Ruben na!
I'm sorry, Sir Ruben. I want you to be okay but... I don't want Jax to ever stop
teaching us.
Puwede kayang sa Chem na lang si Sir Ruben at manatili si Jaxon sa Math namin?
Muli kong inisip ang mga araw na papasok akong hindi ko siya nakikita. Medyo
malungkot na nga ako sa mga nagdaang Sabado na parang may gusto akong gawin pero
nananatili lang sa mansion. Gusto kong pumunta sa talampas. The view is nice but
it's not the view that's urging me to... ano ba 'tong mga pinag-iisip ko?
Puyat at kabado ako kinaumagahang pagkagising. Iyan kasi, kung anu-ano pang iniisip
noong nagdaang gabi. Hay naku!
"Thank you, Kuya Lando..." sabi ko habang kinakawayan ang paalis naming sasakyan
nang ihatid ako, maaga sa araw na iyon.
Nang nakalayo na ang sasakyan, huminga ako ng malalim at kinusot ang kawawang mga
mata. Humikab ako. My goodness! Inaantok ako kakapuyat kagabi!
Umikot ako at hinarap ang gate. Maaga ako madalas kaya halos wala pang tao. Laking
gulat ko nang nakita ko si Jaxon, nakahilig sa kanyang motor, pinagmamasdan akong
mabuti! Ngayon pa na mukha akong zombie!
"Good morning, Miss Sevilla. Are you sick?" he chuckled a bit.
Ganoon ba kasama ang itsura ko para mapagkamalan niya akong may sakit? Hindi pa ako
nakakapagsalita, may sinabi na naman siya.
"Hindi ko alam na antukin ka pala sa umaga."
"Uh... H-Hindi naman... Uhmm... puyat lang ako... Uh..." what if he asks me ba't
ako puyat? Ano isasagot ko?
Bago pa mangyari ang kinatatakutan ko, dumating na ang isang maganda pero mas
matandang babaeng propesor. Parang may usapan ang dalawa dahil agaran itong may
ibinigay kay Jaxon. Sumulyap ang Education prof sa akin bago kay Jaxon. Jaxon
glanced at me and wink before he eyed what the teacher gave him.
"Uh... Good morning po sa inyo..." sabi ko at nagmadali na agad na umalis dahil
nakakahiya naman kung manatili ako roon.
Nakakahiya iyon! Buong araw tuloy akong wala sa sarili dahil sa paulit-ulit na pag-
iisip nun. The nearing Math subject is making me tremble. Mabuti na lang at weekly
quiz lang ngayon kaya puwedeng buong oras akong nakayuko sa aking papel.
Iyon nga ang plano ko. The thought comforted me for five seconds. Sa huli, mas lalo
lang akong kinabahan na halos ma estatwa ako nang nasa pintuan na ng klase!
Nanatili ang mga mata ko sa aking papel habang sinasagutan ang ibinigay niyang
quiz. Kaya lang, masyadong maraming pumapasok sa isipan ko na sa problem solving,
hindi ako agad-agad nakakapag-isip.
"Ang hirap. Bahala na 'to..." naririnig ko ang mga kaklase ko pagkatapos
nagsisitayuan para magpasa.
I want to answer it all. Napahiya na nga ako kanina, kung mababa pa ang marka ko
ngayon, lalo na, hindi ba? Then suddenly in the middle of my analysis, naisip ko
ang pinagpuyatan ko kagabi! Babalik na si Sir Ruben! Hindi na siya magtuturo rito?
Hindi naman ako ang huling nagpasa ng papel. As I walked towards him in front, I
can sense the humor plastered on his face. My heart is pounding really bad that I
thought I would never get through it. Tinalikuran ko siya pagkatapos at dumiretso
na sa desk ko. Halos kalahati pa sa klase ang hindi pa tapos pero puwede nang
umalis ang nakapagpasa na, gaya ko.
"Miss Sevilla, please help me arrange the papers when your classmates are all
done."
Napaangat ako ng tingin sa kanya. He looked at me with that same playful and
humorous eyes. Pakiramdam ko, alam niyang kinakabahan ako ng husto. He's playing
with me or something but I don't know why I'm fine with it. In fact... I like it.
"Okay..." simple kong sagot at nagligpit ng gamit habang umuupo ulit.
"Puwedeng ako na lang, Sir..." offer ng isang babaeng kaklase.
Bahagya akong na disappoint dahil gusto kong ako ang gumawa noon.
"Hindi na. Si Miss Sevilla ang gusto kong gumawa non."
"Ay. Okay..." sabay sulyap sa akin noong babae at ngiti.
Tumikhim ako at yumuko na lang. I don't know what to say. I suddenly regret wanting
to do it when I saw all my classmates gone and it's only us... alone in that room.
Lumapit ako sa kanya. Maayos naman ang pagkakalagay ng mga papel pero alam kong
gaya ng dati, gusto niyang alphabetical order iyon bago niya icheck. Nasa harap ko
siya, nakatingin sa akin at naghihintay.
"Did you do well or do you want me to check your paper and correct your wrongs?" he
said and chuckled.
"Huh? Hindi ah! Uhm... Maayos naman ang sagot ko kaya ayos na 'yon!"
"I'm just kidding. Hindi ko gagawin iyon."
Kinagat ko ang labi ko at nagpatuloy sa pag-aayos ng mga papel. He erased the
writings on the board at tahimik na ang buong silid dahil wala nang nagsasalita.
Tumigil ako sa ginagawa at bahagyang tinitigan ang likod niya.
Nagpatuloy ako nang nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob para magtanong.
"Kumusta na nga pala si Sir Ruben? Ang sabi... ayos na raw siya. Babalik na raw
siya sa pagtuturo?"
He's done erasing the writings. Bumaling siya sa akin, humor is still etched on his
face.
"Yes, he's better. Maayos na rin niyang nagagalaw ang kamay niya kaya baka by next
week, he'll be back teaching."
"Next week?" gulat kong tanong. Ganoon ka bilis!
"Oo. Bakit?" he smiled a little.
"Uh... Sa Chem ba, babalik na siya?"
"Oo. Sa lahat."
"Sa lahat? P-Pati... Math? Dito?"
He grinned more. His eyes became more dangerous that I couldn't stop my fast
beating heart.
"Oo. Babalik na rin siya rito."
"P-Pero magtuturo ka pa rin? Sa ibang level lang? O sa engineering?"
He shook his head. "I only did Ruben a favor. I have other plans for my career."
"Oh..." I couldn't hide my disappointment.
The silence stretched. I couldn't look at him. Naaalala ko lahat ng ipinuyat ko
kagabi. I realize that having him here comforts me. Ngayong wala na siya, puwedeng
'tsaka na lang kami magkikita kapag pupunta ako kina Evelyn. Hindi madalas iyon.
And that will be very sad, huh?
"Sana nagpatuloy ka na lang na maging professor. Kahit hindi sa amin. Kahit sa
ibang level na lang... o..."
"I don't wanna be your professor," he said firmly.
Nagulat ako ron. Anong ibig sabihin non? Do I annoy him that he says that strongly?
Mataman kaming nagtitigan. Seryoso siya kaya mas lalo akong nadismaya.
"Bakit? I know I've been to a bit of trouble in the past weeks but after that, wala
na naman. Unless if you don't want to s-see me much... or us... much... then,
okay."
"We'll still see each other."
"Hindi na kami masyadong nagkakasundo nina Evelyn na sa malapit sa inyo mag-aral,
e. Pero siguro... puwedeng isuggest ko next time pag may project kami o take home
quiz. Tapos, matuturuan mo pa ako!"
"Not that way, Amber. We'll see each other."
Tinapos ko ang pag-aayos ng mga papel. Tumango ako at huminahon na dahil alam kong
pinapagaan niyalang ang loob ko. Maybe he noticed that I panicked a bit. He noticed
how bothered I am because we won't see each other so he's giving me false hopes.
Tumigil na ako.
Inilahad niya ang cellphone niya sa aking harap. Napatitig ako roon.
"Put your number on my phone so I can text you when I want to see you. So we can
text and talk even when I'm not here."
He's gone a long way for me. Ngayon, ito ang magiging paraan niya para mapakalma
ako. You silly Amber! You're like a thirsty kitten! Siya lang ang... kaibigan ko...
rito kaya ganun, hindi ba? Oo. Iyon lang ang dahilan.
Hilaw akong ngumisi. "Uh... Sorry. Am I being too clingy? It's okay. Kahit huwag
na... Nakakahiya naman. Alam kong concern ka lang sa akin dahil estudyante mo ako."
He licked his lower lip. Mas lalo niyang inilapit sa akin ang phone.
"I'm getting your number now because finally, I won't be your teacher. It won't be
unethical to text and call you whenever I want to. Whatever I want to."
Kumalabog ang puso ko.
"I'm not your teacher and we won't talk about school. Put your number on my
phone... that's... if you want to call and text me, too."
Feathery things are tickling my stomach. Kasing pula na rin siguro ng kamatis ang
pisngi ko. Tinanggap ko ang cellphone niya at tinipa ko ang numero ko roon. I took
my phone out too and gave it to him.
With his thick eyebrow furrowed, he put on his number on my phone. Then he gave it
to me.
"B-But... I can ask you a bit about school right? In case may hindi ako alam sa
Chem?" I said shyly.
"Oo. But I don't want it taking all the time whenever I call you at night, okay?"
My face, neck, down my back heated profusely. Hindi ka na napigilan ang ngiti.
"Buti... wala ka namang katawagan kapag gabi? I mean..."
Nagtaas siya ng kilay. "Wala."
"Talaga?" kalmado kong tanong kahit na naghuhuramentado na ang kalooblooban ko.
"Wala. Hindi ko ugali ang ganoon."
"Then... you won't call me much?" napapaos kong sinabi.
Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. Kinuha niya sa hawak ko ang mga papel. Even the light
touching of our hand made me jump a bit.
"Let's see... Why? Do your Manila boys call you at night?" his brow shot up.
Umiling ako. "I don't have boys."
Humalakhak siya. "I don't believe that."
"Totoo!" giit ko, bahagyang tumataas ang boses. "Wala!"
He smirked evilly. "Even so... It doesn't matter. I will call tonight. I hope the
line won't be busy."
"Hindi nga! Wala akong katawagan kapag gabi!" giit ko lalo.
His evil smirk remain. I glared at him. He stared at me cockily.
"Let's see about that."

[ 9 Kabanata7 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 7
Jealous
I can't help but notice the excitement I had in going into my room that night. Kaya
nang nasa kuwarto na ako at tumunog na ang cellphone, 'di ko na tiningnan kung sino
ang tumawag.
"Hello!"
"Hi!" It was a girl's voice. Ilang sandali pa bago ko natanto kung kanino iyon.
It's Phillie!
"H-Hi, Phillie!"
"Why do you sound sad? Are you okay?"
Hindi ko sinasadyang ipahayag ang pagkadismaya sa tono. Kinagat ko ang labi ko. I
feel guilty for doing that.
"No, I'm fine. I'm not sad."
"You sure? Ikukwento ko lang sana 'yong sinabi ko kahapon? Nakakainis kasi 'yong
classmate kong 'to. Pumuporma, e, and he's guwapo but he's too serious!" she went
on and one without stopping.
Madalas siyang tumawag lalo na pag may mga kuwento siyang ganito na hindi niya
nakukwento sa alin man sa mga natitirang kaibigan doon. I am always glad when she
calls but tonight, I can't help but be bothered a bit and I feel guilty for it.
"What's wrong with being too serious?" I asked as she mentioned how that boy is an
achiever and the likes.
"Oo nga, e. Is it time to finally stray from my badboy fetish?" she giggled.
"Maybe you should. That boy may be a good influence to you, Phillie."
My fondness for my bestfriend made me forget what's bothering me. 'Tsaka ko lang
naalala nang pagkatapos ng mahigit isang oras, natapos din ang usapan namin ni
Phillie!
I checked my phone's settings if I am notified whenever someone is on another line,
calling me. It wasn't set. Pumikit ako ng mariin at humilata sa kama.
"As if he already called. Baka nga hindi iyon tatawag. He's probably busy."
I stayed idle for a while until I started looking at his phone number like a crazy
lunatic. Kung alam ko lang na ganito ako ka bored, sana sinabi ko na lang kay
Phillie ang mga ito para hindi na ako magkaganito.
Sa gitna ng mga iniisip na iyon, tumunog ang cellphone ko. My heart leapt when I
saw who was calling. I cleared my throat. Mabilis na pumintig ang puso ko.
Tumagilid ako para kumalma at nagsikap na maging kalmado rin sa pagsagot.
"Hello..."
He didn't answer yet but I know he's on the line. Ngumuso ako at niyakap ang unan.
"Hello?" I said softly again.
"I called twice before this. Nakakaistorbo ba ako?" his voice was very low, almost
like a growl.
"No. It's just my bestfriend. Nagkataon lang na tumawag si Phillie."
"Oh, I am disturbing him. Tatawag na lang ako mamaya, kung ganoon."
"Hindi, Jaxon. Tapos na ang tawagan namin ni Phillie. And she's a girl so..." I bit
my lower lip again.
"You sure?"
"Yes."
"Okay, then. Expecting a call from a boyfriend, perhaps?"
"I'm not, alright..." I smiled and hugged my pillow tighter. "I don't have a
boyfriend."
Baka nga siya ang may girlfriend. I remember the teacher who met up with him umaga
ng araw na iyon. I also remember Rowena, the girl who called him, his rumored
girlfriend. Hindi ko na sinali sa sinabi. I am not going there, really. Why would
I? It's not like I like him. He's not my type, anyway.
"Manliligaw, kung ganoon?"
Umirap ako at ngumiti. "I don't even have a friend at school, you think I will have
a suitor?"
"Paano kung meron ka pala noon noong nasa Maynila ka? I wouldn't know."
"I don't have one. Why is this such a big deal?" I said playfully.
He only chuckled and changed the topic smoothly. "Tapos ka na sa mga assignments
mo?"
"Hmm. Actually, I have a chem project."
"Alright. Ano 'yon?" he said huskily.
"Pero gagawin namin ito nina Evelyn bukas sa kanila. It's getting harder and
harder, actually. Hindi mahirap iperform ang experiment pero nahihirapan kami sa
pag-eexplain kaya bukas pa kami mag-uusap. Kaya kaya na namin ito."
"Hmm. Anong oras?"
"In the morning, probably..."
"Baka magkamali kayo. I should check your works after your meeting?"
Ngumisi ako. I may lack experience with boys but I know this. Nagkaboyfriend na ako
at nakita ko ang mga kaibigan kong pinopormahan. I also have had my fair share of
suitors way back, kaya may nahihimigan ako rito.
Come to think of it, noon, kapag may ganito sa akin at nasisiguro kong wala akong
nararamdaman, I would always turn them down and stop them before they could even
hope. Ngayon... hindi ko alam. Maybe it's the loneliness and the lack of friends?
I'm not sure.
"Puwede. Pero baka umaga pa? Hindi ba nangingisda ka ng madaling araw? Baka...
mapuyat ka?"
"Hindi naman. Pagkatapos ng meeting ninyo, pumunta na lang tayo sa talampas. Doon
ko titingnan ang trabaho ninyo."
Ngumuso ako habang naiisip na pagkatapos ng dalawang linggo, makakabalik ulit kami
roon. I smiled wider.
"Okay. But... maybe I should eat my lunch first at baka abutan ako ng tanghali
roon."
"Hmm..." he trailed off. "I'll see if I can cook us lunch."
Nagulat ako roon.
"Marunong kang magluto?"
"Bakit? Hindi ka marunong?" he said a bit taunting.
"Uh..." I bit my lower lip because I am guilty.
He chuckled. "Hindi kami mayaman gaya n'yo. Kailangan kong matuto sa mga gawaing
ganyan."
Hindi ko naisip kailanman na mahalagang matutong magluto. I wanted to learn back
when I was a kid but my Mom just won't let me.
"Noong sinubukan kong matuto, hindi kasi ako pinayagan ni Mommy."
"Hinahayaan mong mag desisyon ang Mommy mo para sa'yo, kung ganoon?"
Huminga ako ng malalim. "Hindi naman sa ganoon pero... I just think she knows
what's good for me."
"And you don't?" he said in a low growl.
Napaisip ako sa tanong niya. It opened my eyes to the many times where I let my Mom
take over my life like I am just a branch of her own. It made me bitter but my love
for her just couldn't afford to disobey her.
My first rebellion was the one I did with Harper. Speaking of Harper, I haven't
heard much of him. Hindi na siya nagparamdam at ang huling kuwento ni Phillie sa
akin, hindi na rin daw ito masyadong nagpapakita sa mga party nila. It worried me
at some point na nag-isip pa akong subukang magtext sa kanya pero hindi ko rin
nagawa.
"Mali ang prediction na ito," Jaxon said after eating our sumptuous lunch.
Hindi pa matanggal sa isipan ko ang galing niya sa pagluluto nang sinilip niya nga
ang aming gawa kanina kina Evelyn.
My relationship with my chemistry groupmates were better. Sometimes, they ignore me
pero kapag naman may ganitong mga importanteng gagawin, nakakausap na nila ako ng
matino at walang halong pangungutya. I just simply didn't wish for more because I
know it's a process. Hinayaan ko na lang na ganoon muna sa ngayon.
"Metal hydroxide will produce water because it is heated, hindi lang metal oxide"
he pointed out.
Lumapit ako sa kanya at tiningnan ang sinabi niya. He then proceeded to his
explanation about it and other examples. The passion on his eyes as he explain all
those things like it's all easy made me zone out. Nakatunganga ako sa kanyang mga
mata habang pinagmamasdan ang pagkunot ng kanyang noo at ang pagtaas ng kilay
habang sinasabi ang mali sa mga ginawa namin.
"Aayusin ko na lang 'yan pag-uwi. Tapos, ieexplain ko sa kanila kapag nagkita ulit
kami."
He nodded while writing down things below our paper.
It was a short meeting for us two in that place. Nang binalik niya ako sa kanilang
lugar, 'tsaka ko tinext si Kuya Lando para kuhanin ako. Puwede naman na akong
ihatid na ni Jaxon pero naalala ko ang isang pagkakataong nakita ko ang reaksyon ni
Mommy nang banggitin ko sa hapag ang pangalan niya.
"Jaxon?" she asked suspiciously after drinking her water.
"Opo. Substitute siya ni Sir Ruben na na aksidente noong-"
"Jaxon Riego, Amber?"
Sumulyap ako kay Daddy na bumaling din kay Mommy. Mommy looked so disturbed at my
words that she couldn't even eat.
"Opo, Mommy."
"Teacher mo si Jaxon Riego?"
"H-He's just a sub teacher." Alam ko kaagad kung ano ang meron sa tono ni Mommy. "I
heard he's going to be replaced soon kasi babalik na si Sir Ruben-"
"Well, I hope that that Jaxon Riego will only think about his professional
relationship with his students and not-"
"Maria Emilia... give Amber a break, please?" marahang sinabi ni Daddy.
"I am just saying!" si Mommy.
"Wala naman po, Mommy. Teacher ko lang naman po."
"Madalas ka bang kinakausap niyan?" she asked curiously.
"Hindi naman po," sagot ko.
"Well, I hope so," tumingin siya sa kawalan bago niya binalik sa akin ang matalim
na tingin. "But anyway, you have better and classier taste in men. Hindi 'yon
papasa sa'yo..." hindi niya pinagpatuloy at huminga na lang ng malalim.
"He's just my teacher, Mommy. Hindi po ako nag-iisip ng ganoong bagay para sa
teacher ko."
She smiled. "Of course, darling. I believe you."
Tahimik akog nagpatuloy sa pagkain noon. I know Mommy dislikes him and I'm
beginning to think that something really big happened in the past. Hindi ko rin
maitatanggi ang puwedeng koneksyon noon ng trato ng mga tao rito sa akin.
Jaxon is the only friend I have here. Nasisiguro kong hindi matutuwa si Mommy kung
sakaling malaman niya ito. And if I avoid Jax just for Mom's reasons, I won't have
anyone else here. Besides, walang dapat ipag-alala si Mommy sa akin. Jaxon will
remain to be only a friend to me and nothing more. That's for sure.
I hugged my Daddy tight Sunday morning. Kagabi, napag-usapan din namin ang tungkol
sa pagtatapos ng bakasyon ni Daddy at ang pagbabalik niya sa Manila. Masaya ang
hapag kagabi lalo na't naririnig ko ang pagdiriwang ni Mommy tungkol sa isang
magandang deal para sa mga ari-arian nina Daddy at sa mga investment niya.
"Take care of yourself, Daddy," sabi ko nang nakikita ang muling panghihina sa
mukha ng ama.
Tingin ko, kapag nalalayo siya sa amin, nanghihina siya at kita sa mukha ang bahid
ng lungkot.
"Take care, too, darling. Don't worry, baka pagkabalik ko, magagawan na nga kita ng
sarili mong international chain of hotels, or whatever business you might like."
I smiled wearily. "Kahit huwag na. Makabalik ka lang, ayos na po ako."
Tumawa si Mommy. "I'm sure that deal is bigger than we think..." hinalikan ni Mommy
si Daddy. "Good things are coming our way, Gaudencio. With your all in investment,
siguradong malaki ang makukuha mo riyan. And for me, a better deal for The Coast,
our life is all perfect now. At ang anak natin na nag-aaral ng maayos..." niyakap
ako ni Mommy.
Tumawa si Daddy. Niyakap at hinagkan niya kaming dalawa ni Mommy. I don't really
care of all the material things they are talking about pero alam kong ginagawa rin
nilang dalawa iyon para sa akin kaya hindi na ako umalma.
It was a sad day for me. I told Jaxon about it over the phone when he called me
that night. At tingin ko, iyon nga ang naging dahilan kung bakit hindi niya na rin
nasabi sa akin ang isa pang bad news.
Papasok ako sa Math na klase sa isang maayos na disposisyon nang bigla kong nakita
na si Sir Ruben na ang naroon. I was so shocked that I think my classmates couldn't
stop talking about my expression when I saw our teacher.
"G-Good afternoon, Sir Ruben. I'm glad you're finally okay."
"Thank you, Miss Sevilla. It's nice to see you again..." he said, smiling curtly.
Mabilis akong naupo sa madalas kong upuan. Buong oras tuloy walang pumapasok na
lesson sa isipan ko dahil sa iniisip. Pumuslit ako ng tingin sa cellphone ko at
nagtipa agad ng mensahe para kay Jaxon.
Ako:
I expected that you'll still be our teacher for today. Hindi na pala.
Patapos na ang klase at naging kaswal na ang turing ni Sir Ruben sa mga estudyante.
Umulan tuloy ng tanong at s'yempre, tungkol kay Jaxon halos ang lahat.
"Sir! Na-miss ka namin!"
Tumawa si Sir Ruben.
"Nga pala, Sir! Si Sir Jaxon ba, talagang hindi magtuturo kahit sa Engineering
Department?"
Umiling si Sir Ruben at sumulyap sa akin. Itinago ko ang cellphone ko. "Iba ang
karera na gusto noon. He wants to practice and more so... no..." umiling si Sir
Ruben.
"Oo nga raw. Grabe raw ang self study noon para sa board exams."
Mahinang tumunog ang cellphone ko, hudyat sa reply ni Jaxon.
Jaxon:
I'm sorry. You were very sad last night, I couldn't break my news. Nasa labas ako
ng campus.
Tumikhim ako.
Ako:
Nandyan na siguro si Kuya Lando kaya hindi na ako makakapagtagal o makakasama
sa'yo.
Jaxon:
I know. I'll just see you...
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ibig niyang sabihin pero kabado ako nang palabas na ng
classroom. The thought of him outside the campus and with that last line, naglalaro
sa isipan ko na pumunta siya rito para lang masilayan ako. Bakit?
My face heated. Para akong lumulutang habang palapit sa gate ng escuelahan.
Nakikita ko na ang aming Expedition na nakapark doon sa kanang bahagi. On the left
side, where the streetfoods and the many students, I saw Jaxon on his bike.
Watching me from afar until some students noticed him and started talking to him.
Like a moth very attracted to the fire, that's him, konti na lang lalapit din ako
gaya ng mga estudyanteng nakakausap niya na ngayon. Sumulyap siya sa akin at mas
lalo lang akong nagkagustong lumapit.
"Ang bag mo, Ma'am," si Kuya Lando.
Nalagutan ang pag-iisip ko dahil doon. Doon ko lang naalala na hindi dapat ako
makitang lumalapit kay Jaxon. Ayokong malaman ni Mommy iyon.
"May iba ka pa bang gagawin?" Kuya Lando asked.
Umiling ako. "Wala na po. Sige po, umuwi na tayo."
One last glance, I looked at Jaxon. Tumayo siya at inayos na rin ang motor. Pumasok
na ako sa SUV at hindi na nag-alinlangang magtipa.
Ako:
Magtatagal ka pa ba riyan?
Jaxon:
Uuwi na rin pagkauwi mo.
I sighed. Tumakbo na ang SUV at sa likod, nakita kong sumunod naman siya hanggang
sa nakarating at lumiko na siya sa kanila, kalaunan.
Tinanggap ko na na ganoon na ang mangyayari simula noon. He doesn't visit me
everyday, though, but he calls me every night. He texts me every now and then. At
kapag sinasabi kong sana siya na lang ulit ang teacher namin, he would come that
day and do that thing again.
"Good job, Miss Sevilla! I'm starting to think that you'd do a better job if we put
you on the spotlight!" deklara ni Mrs. de Guzman pagkatapos ng isang practice
namin.
Napabaling ako sa mga miyembro. Although I made casual acquaintances, I can still
feel their distance to me. Nang inanunsyo iyon ni Mrs. de Guzman, may iilang
nagbulung-bulungan pero hindi na rin pinahalata kung may disgusto mang
nararamdaman.
"Ah, hindi na po, Ma'am. I am content with my position now."
"Hay naku! Huwag ka nang mahiya! If the school sees your brilliance in cheerdance,
they will like it for sure."
Hilaw akong ngumiti at hinayaan ang matandang ginang na magpatuloy sa explanation
niya. Sa huli, hindi pa rin ako sigurado kung tama ba ang iniisip nito.
Fortunately, though, even without Jaxon around, everyone is just casual to me.
Kahit sina Roda at Evelyn, o ang grupo ko sa Chemistry. Kahit ang iilang grupo ko
rin sa major subjects.
Ang hirap din na umaasa lang ako sa desisyon ng grupo na sa kina Evelyn gumawa ng
project kapag Sabado para lang makasama si Jaxon pagkatapos ng gagawin. Minsan,
inooffer niya rin sa akin na kunin ako sa amin kapag dumating ang Sabadong wala
kaming napagkasunduang ganoon. But I would refuse, though. I don't want Mom to ever
see us together. I'm scared for some reason.
Nakahanap tuloy ako ng paraan.
"Manong, what's after the rock formations?" I asked softly at the guard.
Hindi kalayuan sa guard house na siyang naghuhudyat ng dulo sa lupain ng The Coast
ay rock formations na hindi agad abot ng tubig. I was texting Jaxon a while ago but
I'm just so bored, wala pang project kaya hindi ako nakadalaw kina Evelyn.
Jaxon:
You sure? We can study together.
Ako:
Hindi na. Baka puwedeng sa susunod na Sabado na lang.
Susurpresahin ko sana siya sa pamamagitan nito. Nasisiguro ko kasing pagkatapos ng
rockformations, ang kabahayan naman nila ang makikita ko. Makakapunta ako sa kanila
nang hindi na inaabala si Mommy para sa driver. Mommy thinks I'm still roaming the
hotel now. Hindi niya alam na nandito na ako. She's too busy these days... and
sometimes, too stressed.
"Kabahayan, Ma'am. Ng mga mangingisda."
"Ganoon po ba? Sige po, titingnan ko."
"Naku! Mag-ingat ka, Ma'am! Matalim ang batuhan, baka masugatan ka. Lagi si
President Snow diyan noon, nagkasugat-sugat."
"Mag-iingat naman ako, Manong. 'Tsaka, huwag n'yo na pong banggitin kay Mommy at
baka pagalitan ako. Saglit lang naman po ako, e."
Nag-alinlangan pa siya kaya nagmakaawa na ako.
"Please? I'm so bored. Promise, it won't take five minutes."
Well, I hope so. Kapag nagkita kami ni Jaxon, baka mag isang oras ako diyan sa
batuhan!
"O sige, po."
"Thank you, Manong!" sabi ko sa matandang guard.
Dumiretso na ako roon. Tama nga siya. I suddenly regret wearing just sandals. I
wish I wore something much sporty but I didn't and there is no turning back.
Malayo pala iyon. Ang hampas ng alon ay ilang metro pa ang layo galing sa mismong
batuhang dinadaanan. Kung kakapit ka naman, matalim din ang batong kakapitan kaya
ang kamay pa ang unang nagkasugat sa akin.
This is why I don't like the beach. Bukod sa mainit na, ganito pa. I pouted and
thought of the happy minutes I'd spend once I'll see Jaxon. He'd be so amazed to
see me dahil hindi niya naman ineexpect iyon.
Tiningnan ko ang nasugatang palad. Napangiwi ako sa hapdi noon pero nagpatuloy pa
rin ako sa pag-iingat. Natatanaw ko na ang iilang kabahayan sa malayo at ang
nakahilerang mga bangka. Ngumiti ako sa tuwa dahil naiisip na ang reaksyon ni Jaxon
mamaya.
I concentrated on my every step that I didn't see whoever is on a small bamboo
cottage and the hammock near it. Nang naka apak na sa buhangin, 'tsaka ako nag-
angat ng tingin. On the hammock were some men and women I didn't know and on the
bamboo cottage, isang babae at isang lalaki.
Nakaupo si Jaxon sa cottage, nakatingin sa cellphone habang kinakausap ang kasamang
babae. The girl was fair skinned, with a long brown hair, and her full attention of
Jaxon. Tumawa si Jaxon sa kung anong sinabi nito bago binalingan ang babae.
Unti-unti akong nilamon ng kahihiyan sa ginagawa. Lalo na nang lumingon ang iilang
kaibigan nila na nasa duyan sa akin, natatanaw na ako. Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko at
napaatras, umaambang babalik sa pinanggalingan.
The sight of Jaxon laughing with a pretty girl is stirring my mind, giving me a
hard time to think rationally. May sinabi ang isa sa mga lalaking naroon kay Jaxon
dahilan ng pag-angat niya ng tingin sa akin.
When our eyes met, I panicked but I even had the guts and chance to look at the
girl he's with thoroughly. Matalim kong tinitigan ang babae at natigil lang nang
tumayo si Jaxon!
Mabilis akong tumakbo sa batuhan, neverminding the sharpness of the rocks and what
it did to my skin. Sugat-sugat na ako sa paa at sa kamay pero pinapatuloy ko iyon!
Yes, Manong, I'd be back within 5 minutes because this happened!
"Amber!" Jaxon called.
Hindi ako lumingon. Nagpatuloy ako sa ginagawa ko. Natigil lang saglit nang natusok
ako ng bato sa paa. Sobrang sakit at hapdi noon na kahit sa ganitong sitwasyon,
tumigil ako para indahin iyon.
"Anong ginagawa mo- Fuck!" he cursed savagely when he saw blood on my toe.
Mabilis akong naangat. Hindi na ako nakapagprotesta dahil sa lakas ng pintig ng
puso ko, sa gulat na dinala niya ako sa kanyang bisig. He looked frustrated and
angry now.
Gusto kong magsisigaw pero napigilan ng pagkamangha ko at nag-uumalpas na pintig ng
puso ang tinig. Bitiwan mo ako, Jaxon, said my mind, not my mouth. Slow cooked
anger boiled within me na pagkadating ko niya sa buhangin at nang iambang ibaba,
tinulak ko siya. Hindi niya inasahan iyon kaya nawalan siya ng balanse at naibaba
niya ako ng tuluyan.
"Hey!" he said swiftly.
"Huwag mo na akong sundan! Busy ka naman, e!" I said bitterly and ran for the
hills.
I didn't mean it to sound bitter but it did, alright and it's too late. Pinandigan
ko na lang ang pagtakbo. Naitulak ko siya kaya hindi niya ako nasundan. Lalo na't
humalo ako sa dami ng tao roon. Not that I think he's allowed in the premises of
our hotel. Hindi lang sa dahil ayaw ni Mommy sa kanila, dahil na rin hindi naman
siya naka check in, o empleyado man lang!
Sobrang sama ng loob ko na hindi ko na namalayan ang sakit ng paa ko. I heard my
phone beeping and I knew it was him so I didn't mind it. Lalo pa noong nakarating
na ako sa mansion.
"Tama naman ang ginawa ko. Totoo namang busy siya," I said to myself as I miserably
attended to my own wounds.
Muling nagbalik sa isipan ko ang itsura nila noong babae. Sino naman kaya iyon?
Lagi siyang nagtatanong sa akin kung may boyfriend o manliligaw ako, tapos siya
pala itong meron?
Chill, Amber. We don't even know if that's his girlfriend! I hoped not.
I don't care if it is his girlfriend or not! Ang punto ko rito, nagtitext kami
tapos busy pala siya?!
Hindi ba dapat masaya ka dahil kahit na busy siya, tinitext ka niya? Niyaya ka
naman niyang lumabas. Kayo sana ang magkasama kung pumayag ka.
Dahil hindi ako pumayag, sa iba siya sumama, ganoon?
Hindi naman siya sumama. Binisita naman siya!
Nagtatalo ang isipan ko habang naggagamot sa sariling sugat. My phone rang twice
and I ignored all of it. Hindi ko gustong patayin iyon. Hahayaan ko siyang tumawag
at magtext na parang baliw diyan! Guilty!
All my bitter thoughts are now drowned into my other and more explicit voice.
"Hindi ko naman siya gusto, e. Mas guwapo si Harper sa kanya!" I concluded
offensively.
Tumunog ulit ang cellphone. The satisfaction is etched on my face when I saw his
name on it. Mag-iisang oras na simula kanina at patuloy ang pag ignora ko roon.
Bumaba ako sa sala at nagpagawa ng meryenda at smoothie nang sa ganoon, kumalma
naman. I spent my whole afternoon away from my cellphone. Gustuhin ko mang matulog
sa sala, hindi ko magawa dahil wala akong ibang iniisip kundi ang nangyari.
I went back to my room to find a peaceful cellphone.
"Tumigil din!" sabi ko at sinilip iyon.
I saw the many missed calls from him. I saw his texts.
Jaxon:
Galit ka ba?
Jaxon:
I'm sorry. I was just hanging out with friends while waiting for you to say yes to
me.
Jaxon:
Nagkasugat ka. Gagamutin ko. Pupuntahan kita sa inyo.
Jaxon:
I'm on the sea in front of your mansion. Walang signal pag lumayo pa ako ng konti.
Huh?
Kanina pa ang mensahe na iyon kaya hindi ko na inisip na naroon pa nga siya. Still,
I went out of my room and hid on the terrace to see if he was really there. Huminga
ako ng malalim nang nakitang ang kalmadong dagat ay wala namang tao o bangka.
Tumigil ako sa pagtatago at nag-isip na ng ititipa.
Ilang saglit akong pabalik-balik sa paglalakad, wala akong maisip na ititipang
sagot. I want to be good but I can't help thinking of mean words. Wala talaga akong
maisip. Wala sa sarili akong bumaba ng mansion. I'm wearing just my flipflop for my
wounded feet full of band aids.
Lumapit ako sa dalampasigan at pinagmasdan ang tahimik na dagat. Naupo ako sa
buhangin at nakaisip na sa wakas ng ilalagay.
Ako:
Kaya kong gamutin ang sarili kong sugat. Huwag ka nang pumunta sa amin. Bakit ka pa
nag...
Uh... It wasn't sent yet. Nag iisip pa ako ng idudugtong.
Ako:
Kaya kong gamutin ang sarili kong sugat. Huwag ka nang pumunta sa amin. Bakit ka pa
nag-eexplain? Wala naman akong pakealam na kasama mo friends mo at may kausap kang
babae...
That came out wrong.
Ako:
Kaya kong gamutin ang sarili kong sugat. Huwag ka nang pumunta sa amin. Bakit ka pa
nag-eexplain? Wala naman akong pakealam na kasama mo ang babae mo...
That's worse!
Kunot-noo kong inangat ang tingin ko sa nakikitang anyo sa harap ko, palapit sa
dalampasigan. Startled, it was Jaxon, alone in a motor boat. Tumigil na ito bago pa
ako makatayo at makailag ulit. As much as I want to run, I realized that telling
him my supposed reply is better now that he's here.
He looked so serious. Small move of his moth would look like he's taunting a smile
kaya mas lalo lang akong nairita.
"Bakit ka pa pumunta rito? Hindi na sana kasi ginamot ko na ang sugat ko! As if I
don't know how to do it myself!" sabi ko sabay pakita sa mga band aid sa kamay ko.
He was busy with his boat but his eyes remained on me. Tumingin siya sa sugat kong
pinakita at bumalik agad sa mga mata.
"You're not supposed to be here. You're not allowed here so better go away now and
we'll just talk on the phone!"
"Paano tayo mag-uusap kung hindi mo sinasagot ang tawag ko?" he said lazily and
started walking towards me.
Para akong aatakehin sa puso nang nakita siya palapit sa akin. He zoomed in to me
so fast that before I could move, he's already in front of me, claiming my hand.
Tiningnan niya ang sugat ko bago iminuwestra ang buhangin.
"Upo. Titingnan ko ang paa mo."
"I'm done attending to it."
He eyed me sharply. I shivered.
"I can see that. I just want to take a look," aniya.
Umupo ako hindi dahil utos niya, kundi para ipakita na tama nga ako. Hindi ko na
siya kailangan para gamutin iyon. I'm not dumb. I know first aid and it's all small
wounds.
He's holding my ankle out. Nakaupo ako sa buhangin habang nag-squat siya sa harap
ko, ineexamin ang pagkakagamot ko sa mga sugat. His touch was strong and bold that
I'm sure if I try to get away now, he'd pull me back without much force.
"See? It's fine."
He sighed. Naramdaman kong satisfied naman siya sa ginawa ko sa mga sugat. Nag-
angat siya ng tingin sa akin kaya mayabang ko rin siyang tiningnan pabalik.
"Bakit ka nagalit at tumakbo kanina?" he said slowly like I'm a child or some sort.
I couldn't blame him. That act was childish but it's too late now.
"Wala lang. Forget about it."
I pulled my feet a bit pero nakahawak pa rin siya roon. Napatingin tuloy siya sa
paa ko. Tumaas ang isang kilay niya at nagkatinginan kaming dalawa.
"No, I won't foget about it. This is the first time you got angry at me. Bakit?"
mataman niyang sinabi.
Come to think of it. He's right. I've became rude. Unti-unti kong narealize kung
gaano ka bastos ang ginawa ko at kung gaano ako masyadong na carried away kanina.
Hindi nga lang ako makasagot.
"Delikado ang dumaan doon. Kaya nga gusto kong sunduin ka na lang para magkita
tayo, hindi ba?"
"Bakit pa tayo magkikita, may bisita ka naman!" now I couldn't stop it.
Nagulat siya at natahimik. Ilang saglit pang tumitig bago nagsalita ulit.
"Mga kaibigan kong taga roon lang iyon. Huwag ka na ulit dumaan doon. Buti at iyan
lang ang inabot mo, hindi ka nadapa o ano-"
"Bakit mo iginigiit 'yan? Dahil ba ayaw mong makita ang nakita ko kanina kaya hindi
mo na ulit ako ipapadaan doon?"
He rose a bit. His jaw clenched and the corners of his mouth rose a bit. Nagtaas
din siya ng kilay at tinagilid ang ulo, naghahamon ng kung ano sa akin. Mas lalo
lang akong kinabahan. He licked his lower lip and it remained apart for a few
bothering moments.
"Selosa..." he labeled me.
"Hindi no!!!" I shouted panicking.
Uminit ang pisngi ko. Ngumisi siya. Biting his lower lip and licking it repeatedly
before laughing a bit. Tinulak ko siya pero hindi ako nagtagumpay. He's like a rock
in front of me and even with my full strength, I won't be able to get rid of him.
"Bakit ako magseselos? Hindi naman kita gusto!" I said to save face. "Ang selos,
para lang doon sa... may feelings. Ako wala akong nararamdaman para sa'yo kaya ba't
ako magseselos! Feeling!" I spat at him.
Pumikit siya ng mariin at hinawakan ang dibdib. He dramatically acted as if his
heart was hurt. I pouted more when I realized he's making fun of all of these!
"Aw. Ang bilis ko namang nabasted."
"Anong n-nabasted? B-Bakit... N-Nanliligaw ka ba?"
Namumungay na mga mata ang sumalubong sa akin. Nangingiti pa rin siya at muling
tiningnan ang paa ko.
"Mga kaibigan ko ang nakita mo kanina. Kausap ko si Rowena at magkaibigan lang kami
nun."
"Why are you explaining? I said, I'm not jealous!" giit ko pa rin.
Nag-angat siya ng tingin.
"Sige. Hindi ka nagseselos," he said a playfully. "I'm just explaining it to you.
Maybe it'll change your mind and forgive me."
"Change my mind about w-what?" tanong kong hindi niya pa rin sinasagot.
"Or maybe I'll wait till you're eighteen," he said without looking at me.
"I-I'll be eighteen really soon!" agap ko.
Napatingin siya sa akin. His gray eyes grew darker as I stared at it. For a split
second, I saw pain and frustration on his eyes. It was very brief because when he
smirked evilly, I felt his potent strength and control. For sure, guni-guni ko lang
ang sakit at frustration na nakikita.
"Then, there is no waiting for it. Madali akong kausap. Kung puwede ka nang ligawan
ngayon, liligawan nga kita ngayon."
Nakakabinging tambol sa aking puso ang narinig ko pagkatapos ng sinabi niya.
"I don't know how that works but I'll try," he said huskily.
I swallowed hard. My heart is on my throat.
"Alam ko ring hindi puwede... pero..." he shook his head in frustration. Hindi niya
na tinapos ang sinabi. He licked his lowerlip and his eyes drifted on my lips.

[ 10 Kabanata8 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 8
Reject
Natutulala ako buong gabi kaiisip sa mga sinabi niya. I just have nothing to say.
Even our texts make me nervous. Lalo na siyempre ang kanyang tawag! I couldn't say
something without stuttering and it just doesn't help that he'll laugh everytime I
did.
At the end of the day, my thoughts went back to the life I left in Manila. Four
months ago, si Harper ang boyfriend. Hindi ko kailanman naisip na magkakaganito
kami. I feel guilty again for everything. So that night, I ended up texting him.
Ako:
Harper, I hope you are well. Hindi ako nagtext para guluhin ka. Gusto ko lang
malaman mo na kahit nagkaganito tayo, I still value and love you as a person, as a
friend. Nasabi ni Phillie sa akin na hindi ka na raw masyadong sumasama sa mga
parties nila. I bet you're busy with your studies now, huh? Good luck and I wish
you all the best! Hoping to reconnect with you soon.
It was a friendly message. Our relationship had no closure. Hindi niya nabigyan
iyon at masyadong maraming nangyayari sa buhay ko noon para isipin pa iyon. Now, it
feels like it's a far away memory that I still don't want to forget. Kahit paano,
my relationship with Harper helped me grow. He was there all the time and he taught
me many things. Hindi ko kayang kalimutan o balewalain iyon.
I am not saying this because I like Jaxon. I don't think I could ever get myself
to... be with him. I paused my thoughts. Something about it is bothering me.
Sinasabi ko ito dahil ang pangyayari kanina, nagpaalala sa akin kay Harper.
Harper may be a badboy and flirt but Jaxon is a different kind. He's more mature
and he can handle himself confidently. Iyon ang kinatatakutan ko. I find him
dangerous. I don't like to be involved with him the way I got involved with Harper
kasi pakiramdam ko, kapag nangyari iyon... kawawa ako.
He makes me so nervous while I don't affect him at all. His confidence and maturity
is intimidating. The popular opinion of other people about him being flirt and a
fuckboy is enough evidence to why I shouldn't be involved with him. It made me
wonder... ganoon din kaya si Tito Achilles kay Mommy noon? Hindi ba sila
nagkatuluyan dahil sinaktan ni Tito Achilles si Mommy? Did he break his heart?
Ano man ang sagot sa mga tanong na iyan, nasisiguro kong hindi ko iyon gagayahin. I
will dodge everything that Jax will do when it comes to his pursuit of a romantic
relationship with me. Bukod pa roon, halata naman kasing fuckboy siya! The way he
says his lines smoothly, I know he's been with girls.
"I'm so happy I gave him a chance, Amber! He's a bit interesting naman pala!" si
Phillie habang kinikwento sa akin ang tungkol sa kanyang manliligaw na seryoso raw
sa pag-aaral.
"That's good, Phillie."
"Yes, it is! Finally a break from the badboys. Sure pa ako na hindi 'to playboy
kaya masaya na ako!"
"Congrats!" tanging nasabi ko sabay ngiti.
"Ikaw? Kumusta? Huwag mo nang isipin si Harper. Baka may gwapo d'yan sa school
n'yo?"
Tumawa lang ako. "Wala naman."
I was hesitant in telling her about Jaxon pero narealize ko na puwede namang hindi
na. He shouldn't be relevant in this subject. I don't see him as someone like that.
"Sure?"
"Oo. Wala."
"Baka naman hindi ka pa nakakarecover kay Harper, ha? Mahal mo pa?"
Honestly, I couldn't answer that properly. The break up was too fast and I was
dealing with so many things. Hindi ko na naisip pa iyon. Pero kung iisipin mo, ang
apat na buwan ay hindi ganoon katagal para sabihin kong hindi.
"I don't know."
"Siguro, mahal mo pa kaya ganyan ka ngayon? Don't worry. If I see him, I'll tell
him to contact you."
"Ayos lang, Phillie. Naitext ko na naman siya kanina."
"What? Oh my, Amber." Now she sounds concern.
"Don't get me wrong. I haven't texted him for a while now. Naalala ko lang kanina
kaya tinext ko na rin. Naisip ko lang na kumustahin."
"Really?"
"Really, Phillie."
"Alright. Huwag ka lang talagang mabaliw sa estupidong playboy na 'yon!"
I loved Phillie's concern towards me. Tingin ko pakiramdam niya gusto ko pang
makipagbalikan kay Harper. Ang totoo, kung bumalik man akong Maynila ngayon,
pagkakaibigan na lang ang ibibigay ko kay Harper. I told Phillie that but she
wouldn't believe me.
"Anong oras tayo bukas, Evelyn?" tanong ko sa kagrupo ko.
Kahapon kasi nagkasundo sila na mag meeting ulit kami. Bago ang midterms, may
ipapasang mga papel. Narinig ko ang usapan nila kahapon pero dahil nagmamadali na
ako para sa susunod na klase, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang sumunod noon. Hindi rin
nila ako tinext. Ganito pa rin madalas kaya ako na ang nagsisikap na magtanong.
"Alas otso ng umaga kasi may outing kami nina Roda sa hapon," she said.
"Oh. Outing..." I echoed.
For some reason, mahilig ang mga taga rito gumala sa weekends. Their kind of outing
are going to the beach, bringing simple food, and with each other. Hindi ko
maipagkakaila na minsan, naiinggit ako. Lalo na kapag naririnig kong nagpaplano ang
mga kasama ko sa Dance group na nagkukwento sa mga experiences nila sa nakaraang
outing o ano man.
Ngayon pa talaga ako walang kaibigan na hindi na naghihigpit si Mommy! Sayang.
Mommy is a bit busy with the hotel's soon renovation. Mayroon ding isa pang nabili
si Tito Rodolfo at isa rin iyon sa gagawan ng major revamp. She's either always
stress or busy that she just doesn't ask me about school anymore. Wala naman din
siyang dapat ipag-alala roon.
Evelyn smirked. Maybe the envy is very much evident on my facial expression.
"See you na lang bukas para sa meeting," ani Evelyn at umalis na.
The Dance group had been practicing for weeks now para sa isang performance sa
intramurals. Sa Sabado rin, nagpapractice kami para sa competition. I am under the
College of Business. Required ang lahat ng Dance group members na sumali. Ang ibang
kasali naman sa amin, iyong mga hindi natanggap sa audition at ibang mga
enthusiast.
"Okay."
"Hindi ba may practice kayo buong araw bukas?"
"Oo pero... puwede naman akong ma late," marahan kong sinabi.
"Oh right... Magaling ka nga pala. Sige... see you na lang bukas," si Evelyn na
mukhang may ibang pinapahiwatig.
It changed my weekend life. Noon pagkatapos ng meeting namin ng grupo, madalas
akong dinadala na ni Jaxon sa talampas hanggang sa mag alas dos, tapos uuwi na ako.
Ngayon, may iba na akong pinagkakaabalahan.
Dumating ang Sabado at mabilis na tinapos ng grupo ang meeting. They couldn't stop
talking about their outing kaya naman alas diez pa lang, tapos na. Nagmamadali na
silang sumakay sa inarkilang tricycle, hindi pa nga ako naka ilang hakbang palabas
ng bahay nila.
I sighed watching my groupmates all excited while I held on to my duffel bag, kung
nasaan ang mga damit ko para sa practice. Lumabas si Jaxon sa kanilang bahay,
looking fresh and with his perpetual mysterious gray eyes. Bumagsak ang balikat ko
at agad niyang kinuha ang bag na dala ko.
"Huwag na. Hindi naman mabigat," sabi ko sabay titig-pagbabanta sa kanya.
Nagtaas lang siya ng kilay habang nilalagay sa balikat ang bag ko. Lagi siyang
ganito at nasisiguro kong may kinalaman 'yan sa panliligaw niya. He smells so nice
and manly. Nag-iwas na lang ako ng tingin. His height is also intimidating me. He
always tower over me whenever he's beside me.
"You know, you can just sleep instead of taking me to my Saturday practice," sabi
ko.
"Hindi naman ako inaantok," sabi niya at dumiretso na rin sa kanyang motor.
Umangkas na siya roon. Nilagay niya ang bag ko sa harap habang suot niya pa rin.
Ngumuso ako. Nagkatinginan muna kami bago ako sumampa at humawak na sa kanya. He
turned to me with his usual smirk again. I pinched his stomach a bit. Pumikit siya
ng mariin at nagreklamo.
"Stop hurting me, please..." he said pleadingly.
Umirap ako. Ang feeling na pa-cute na ito. "Then stop smirking like everything I do
is affecting you. I may be young. I may lack experience pero alam kong nambobola ka
lang."
Dahil nakagilid ang kanyang mukha, nakita ko rin ang pag-irap niya at pagpigil ng
ngiti. "Wala akong ginagawa. Ikaw itong bigla na lang nangungurot sa akin."
"Let's just go, please..." sabi ko.
The engine roared to life pero hindi pa ito umaandar. Kumapit pa ako lalo. Gumilid
ulit siya, sa pagkakataong ito, seryoso na.
"Excited, huh?" malisyoso niyang sinabi.
"I'm not. Late lang ako kaya kailangan na nating umalis."
Tumango siya at pinaandar niya na ang kanyang motor. In no time, nasa school na
ako. Kinuha ko sa kanya ang bag habang abala siya sa pagliligpit sa helmet. He
looked at me with annoyance in his pretty eyes.
"Thank you. Papasok na ako. I'll just text."
"Maghihintay ako sa loob. Bibili muna ako ng meryenda. May gusto ka bang pagkain?"
Pinigilan ko ang ngiti ko. Ang sipag naman talaga. Hindi siya ang tipong
magpapaalipin sa babae pero alam kong bolero siya at pa-impress kaya kaya niya
itong gawin.
"Huwag ka nang mag-antay doon. Noong nakaraan, tinanong ako noong basketball player
kung tayo raw ba!"
"Anong sinagot mo?"
I glared at him. Iyon pa talaga ang importante sa kanya. "Hindi! Kasi hindi naman
talaga!"
His eyes drifted at the school grounds. Naramdaman ko agad ang malalim na inisip
niya at tingin ko alam ko kung tungkol saan. I pushed his abdomen again.
"Sige na. Papasok na ako..." sabi ko at tinalikuran na siya.
But of course, the suitor Jaxon Riego will never leave me alone kahit sa practice.
Walang tao sa school bukod sa mga estudyanteng kalahok sa cheerdance ng kanilang
kurso. Naroon din ang ibang athletes na nagpapractice para sa upcoming intramurals.
Kumpara sa school days, halos wala ngang tao ang school kaya confident siyang
tumambay sa bleachers, panonood sa akin.
Suwerte na kung binabasa o nirereview niya ang gawa namin kanina. Malas kung
tumititig siya habang sumasayaw ako. I have never been so embarrassed while
dancing. Ngayon pa lang, pagkatapos ng ilang taon ko sa pagsasayaw. Ngayon pa lang
ako nakadama ng kahihiyan. I couldn't even give my all out when he's watching. Mas
sobra pa ito sa mag-isa kong pagsasayaw na may milyong nanonood.
I hate it when he watches me darkly with his brooding eyes. I hate it when I see
him serious as he watch me the whole time. Pinagpapawisan ako ng malamig.
Nagpapasalamat ako kung namamali sa blocking ang nasa harap ko. Para naman akong
mauubusan ng dugo kapag ako ang nasa harap sa ibang formation.
What's worse than that? Pagdating ng break, sa kanya ako pupunta kasi wala naman
akong kaibigang puwedeng kausapin.
Palapit ako sa kanya, hindi ako makatingin ng diretso. Kinuha ko na lang ang tubig
at uminom na roon.
"Saan mo gustong kumain? Dito na o lalabas tayo?"
Sapilitan pa para sa akin ang paglingon ko sa kanya. Hindi pa humuhupa ang hiya ko
pero siya hindi na naiisip iyon.
"Sa talampas na," sabi ko dahil pakiramdam ko, kung dito pa kami kakain, even in
some secluded area, I wouldn't excape my schoolmate's curious looks at us.
Lumabas na kami ng school. Bibili kami ng pagkain sa hindi kalayuang karinderya.
Pagkarating namin doon, hinahagilap ko pa ang wallet ko, nakapagbayad na siya sa
gusto kong ulam. Huminga ako ng malalim at hinayaan na lang siya. Nang sumakay ulit
kami sa kanyang motor at tumulak na, 'tsaka ako nagsalita.
"You know I should pay sometimes. May allowance ako," sabi ko.
"Nagtatrabaho ako. Estudyante ka pa lang."
"Yes, but... I can pay for it. I have money for that."
"Ipunin mo na lang ang pera mo," tanging sinabi niya.
Makikipagtalo pa sana ako pero tumulin ang takbo. Kumapit na lang ako ng maayos at
hindi na nagsalita.
It's so easy to let Harper pay for me back in Manila. Ngayon, ang hirap isiping si
Jaxon ang nagbabayad para sa mga kailanganin ko. Kahit pa sinasabi niyang
nanliligaw siya. Mayaman kami kumpara sa kanila. Pinaghihirapan niya ang perang
ginagamit para sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung magkano ang kinikita niya sa pangingisda
pero siguro malaki naman iyon, iyon na lang ang inisip ko.
"Luluwas ako ng Maynila para makumpleto ang pagfa-file ko para sa board exam," he
said after eating our lunch.
Nagulat ako roon. Alam kong magtitake siya ng board at nagrereview siya minsan pero
hindi ko na masyadong inisip ang parteng iyan.
"I'll be gone for 3 days, or so... maybe. Kukumpletuhin ko lang at may iilan ding
bagay na gagawin."
"Okay," sabi ko kahit gulat pa.
Sumilay ang ngiti sa kanyang labi.
"I'll text and call you if I'm not busy."
Tahimik akong tumango at uminom na lang sa aking tubig. He will be gone for days
and that's before and within the intramurals time. Okay lang naman siguro iyon.
It's not like I depend on him all the time.
It stayed that way for most of the weeks. Hindi lang iyon ang ginagawa niya para sa
akin. He even helped me with my Chem reviews for the midterms. So far, I am doing
good with my studies and I have nothing to ask for.
After our midterm exams, intramurals na. Kaya naman, sa huling araw ng exams,
nagkaroon kami ng dress rehearsal sa Dance group. It was a long day for practice
pero it paid off when I heard Mrs. de Guzman's announcement to everyone.
"Alam kong pinagbubutihan ninyo para sa sarili ninyong department pero gusto kong
malaman ninyo na kahit alin man sa departments ang manalo, you will all still be
united as one in this group," she said.
I agreed. Some of the dance groups are too competitive with each other na
pakiramdam ko, may tahimik na iringan sa iilang seniors namin. The Education
department is the defending champion at gustong talunin ng Nursing. Kaya kahapon,
naririnig ko silang nagtatalo. That's scary. Good thing our department is not that
competitive. I'd rather be ignored than have many enemies. Lalo na rito.
"So to unite you all, magkakaroon tayo ng team building!"
Naghiyawan at nagpalakpakan ang lahat. Napangiti ako at palihim na rin na naexcite
sa narinig. Kahit pa wala akong talagang kaibigan dito, I think outings and parties
will make me earn some.
"Any suggestions kung saan tayo puwedeng mag team building?"
Mabilis akong nagpataas ng kamay. "The Coast!"
They all looked at me with indifference. Mrs. de Guzman smiled at me bago tumango
at nag-isip.
"We can't afford that, Ms. Sevilla."
"W-Well, I can tell my Mom about it. Maybe she'll make it free for us," sabi ko
pero walang nagbago sa tingin nila sa akin.
Nagsisi tuloy ako kung bakit ko pa sinabi iyon. They were all okay until I said
that.
"Sa amin, Mrs. de Guzman! Bukod sa maganda ang dagat doon at malapit lang sa The
Coast, hindi mahal at puwede pa tayong mag-ingay o maglaro!" sabi ng isa sa mga
juniors.
Tumango si Mrs. de Guzman ngunit bumalik sa akin ang mga mata. "You have a nice
idea, Miss Sevilla. Kahit pa ilibre ng Mommy mo ang outing natin sa hotel ninyo,
hindi pa rin maganda iyon dahil nasisiguro kong may guests doon. Marami tayo kaya
baka mairita lang sila sa inyo."
I nodded in agreement. Tipid akong ngumiti at sinulyapan ang iilang mga kasama ko
na nakaupo rin, gaya ko, sa court.
"Doon din yata ang basketball team, Ma'am," sabi ng isa pang junior sabay turo sa
kanang bahagi ng court, kung nasaan nakaupo rin ang basketball team. Sa board ng
coach nila, may nakalagay na "Team Building".
"Puwede nga roon. Sige! Pag-uusapan natin ano ang dadalhing pagkain para sa Team
Building at anong mga laro ang gusto ninyong meron."
Iyon ang tinalakay sa buong isang oras. Masaya naman ako at tuwang tuwa ang lahat
sa plano. The meeting got adjourned. Muntik ko nang nakalimutan na wala nga pala si
Jaxon, nasa Manila. I briefly wonder how are my friends in Manila right now. I
should call Phillie later.
Nagliligpit ako ng gamit mag-isa sa bleachers nang dumaan ang mga basketball
players. Maingay pa sila sa malayo pero nang palapit na sa akin, tahimik na.
Sumulyap ako sa kanila at napansin ko ang mga titig. I awkwardly continued doing my
thing until I felt someone stand beside me.
"Boyfriend mo si Jaxon Riego, Sevilla?" said the tallest of them.
Nagtawanan ang iilan sa kanila. Umiling ako.
"Buti..." nagtawanan ulit sila at nagkatinginan.
"Puwede pala tayo nito..." sabay tawa ng kung sino sa likod.
"Nagtatanong lang naman ako kasi 'yong Ate Rowena ko, kasama niya sa Manila.
Nagtaka lang ako. Kaya naman pala... 'di mo boyfriend kaya silang dalawa..."
Natigilan ako roon. Nagtawanan ulit sila at nilagpasan na lang ako. Nagpatuloy pa
rin ako sa ginagawa kahit nagtagal na ang isipan sa tinanong sa akin noong player
na kapatid pa ata ni Rowena. Hindi ko boyfriend kaya silang dalawa. Hindi ko
boyfriend.
Totoo namang hindi ko boyfriend si Jaxon pero... totoo kayang kasama ni Jaxon si
Rowena sa Manila?
Gusto kong magtanong lalo na dahil isang beses niya pa lang akong naitext simula
nang lumuwas siya. There is no way to know that but to text him. I have no other
source.
Hinintay kong itext niya ako sa araw na iyon pero alas diez na nang gabi nang
nagtext siya sa akin.
Jaxon:
Lumabas kami ng kuya ko at mga kaibigan. How's your day?
Nagtiim bagang ako habang pinagmamasdan ang mensahe na iyon.
Ako:
Ayos lang. Kasama mo pala si Rowena?
Mabilisan ang reply at nasisiguro kong walang pag-aalinlangan.
Jaxon:
Oo. Nag file din siya ng para sa exam.
After reading that message, I couldn't take it anymore. I tried so hard to feel
calm and collected the whole day and now I couldn't. Ang masaklap, wala pa akong
mapagsasabihan dahil siya lang naman talaga ang kaibigan ko rito sa Costa Leona.
Pinindot ko ang numero ni Phillie nang hindi na nakayanan. Mabilis na sinagot ng
kaibigan. I don't usually call her. She calls me kaya masaya siya ngayong ako naman
ang tumatawag.
"Hi, Amber! Missed me?" she chuckled.
Sinapo ko ang noo ko at pinikit ang mga mata.
"Missed you, Phillie."
"Oh! How sweet! I missed you too. Kumusta?"
"Ayos lang naman..." bigo kong sinabi. "Just a bit... bored."
"Really? Oh well. Wala ka pa rin bang kaibigan diyan? Kahit nakakausap lang
frequently? That's very odd. Even a shy person can make a friend or two after three
months at school!" aniya.
Hindi ako nagsalita. For a long time, I have kept the existence of Jaxon from her.
Ngayong maraming gumugulo sa isipan ko, hindi ko na kayang hindi magtanong sa kanya
tungkol doon.
"Actually, Phillie. I made a friend," napapaos kong sinabi.
"That's good. Kailan? Bago lang?"
"Noong nakaraan pa... I've known him for long but... we got close since June."
"June?! Hindi ba nagkukwentuhan pa tayo noon na wala kang kaibigan nun?"
I sighed. I know she'd realize.
"He was a sub teacher for Math. Graduate na kasi at... uhm... around 23 years old,
maybe..."
"He..." she giggled.
Umirap ako. Nararamdaman ko nang alam niya kung saan ako patungo sa kuwentong ito.
"Girls here like him. Kahit mga ka batch ko and older than me, they adore him. He's
smart and... hmmm... he knows how to handle girls well. According to some, he takes
girlfriends one at a time."
"Hmm. This is juicy. I'm sure you're not saying this for nothing. So hindi playboy?
Iyon ang sinasabi mo?"
Pagod akong ngumiti. "Hindi ko alam, e. Pero maraming nagkakagusto sa kanya at
pakiramdam ko..." I trailed off.
"Guwapo ba?"
Hindi ako agad nakasagot.
"H-Hindi naman..." I stuttered bad.
"Ay? Ganun? Hindi? Ba't pa natin 'to pinag-uusapan kung ganun?" she joked her
dismay.
"Nanliligaw siya sa akin," sabi ko.
"Patingin ng picture. Send mo sa messenger ko."
"Philomena!" I demanded.
She laughed delirously. "I just wanna check, Amber Emilianna! You don't have to
mention my whole stinky name, damn you. Sige na, send mo na ang pic."
"I don't have one."
"What? Are you kidding me? Baka, Amber, gumagawa ka ng imaginary friend diyan sa
sobrang bored at frustrated mo."
"Hindi no! Please, Phillie, just help me out, okay? He's in Manila now, filing for
his exam. Kasama iyong... iyong... rumored girlfriend niya! Medyo maganda 'yon?"
"'Yon naman pala! Eh, you know walang kabit na medyo sa ganda mo kaya huwag mo nang
isipin iyon. If you like him, then-"
"I don't like him. He's got that fuckboy vibe. He's too much," agap ko.
Hindi nakapagsalita si Phillie.
"Don't tell me you still love Harper."
"This isn't about Harper. He's out of here. I care for him but I just really don't
think he's connected with my predicament now. I don't like the guy but I can't
reject him because he's my only friend here. Kung ibabasted ko siya, iiwasan ko
siya, 'di ba? I can't stay friends with that man."
"So are you saying na pinapaasa mo lang 'yan dahil wala kang ibang kaibigan kundi
siya? Kung hindi mo talaga siya gusto, ibasted mo na kaagad, huwag mo nang
paasahin. So what if we just videocall every day and night just so you have a
friend, 'di ba?"
"He's too much. He intimidates me. Natataranta ako minsan tapos tumatawa lang
siya... I am not comfortable with him."
"Some pictures would help me decide, Amber," she chuckled again.
"Wala akong picture niya. Minsan lang kami nagkakasama, madalas doon pa sa cliff.
It's a secluded area where we usually hang out for the past months."
"Hmm. Secluded area, funny, intimidating, adored by girls, in Manila with his
rumored girlfriend... and most importantly, hindi guwapo pero nililigawan ka.
Sounds like a complete fuck boy to me."
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. See, Amber? This is what you should really do to him. Not
just your simple rejections.
"Ibasted mo na. Malay mo nasa Manila 'yon ngayon, kasama ang rumored girlfriend
niya sa iisang hotel room. Hindi natin alam ano ang ginagawa..." Phillie said
nonchalantly.
Acid dripped on my mind when I am reminded with that. He's in Manila. He's not
texting much. He didn't even call. It's because he's with Rowena. Rowena, the fair
and tall girl he's with back then. Halos magdugo ang labi ko sa kakakagat.
Pumikit ako ng mariin. My heart hurt so bad.
I don't like this. I don't like what's happening to me. I don't like this feeling.

[ 11 Kabanata9 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 9
Passed

Jaxon:
Your line is busy. Did someone else call you?
Ako:
Napasarap ang usapan namin ni Phillie. Inaantok na ako. Pagod din kasi ako. Ang
daming ginagawa sa school.
That was my last text to Jax. Hindi ko na sinagot ang mga sumunod niyang text at
kung may tawag man siya. I got busy with the intramurals so it was a bit true.
Habang ganoon, iniisip ko rin na sa totoo lang, mali naman talaga ang ginagawa ko.
I keep him because he's the only friend I have here. Kahit hindi ko siya gusto,
hindi ko agad nasabi sa kanya ang totoo dahil ayokong mawalan ng kaibigan. I was
desperate for a friend that I started using him unconsciously.
Inisip ko ang mangyayari sa akin sa oras na tinapos ko ito. I would go to school
aloe, like usual, and just leave there alone. Ngayon na medyo maayos na ako, tingin
ko kakayanin ko naman iyon. I convinced myself.
The cherry on top was his probably motive. Kung sa bagay, mukhang niloloko niya
lang ako. He can't be serious with me, for sure, kung pagbabasehan ang kanyang
personality. Also, in my deeper thoughts, I began to wonder about what really
happened to my Mom and his Dad. Galit ang mga tao rito sa akin at isa malamang iyon
sa dahilan. Kung ganun, if his Dad was at fault, the people won't get mad at me.
Baka si Mommy ang may kasalanan kaya ganun. And Jaxon could be using this
opportunity for that.
Jaxon:
Still busy, huh?
I couldn't imagine myself rejecting him in person. I would only be intimidated and
all that so I've decided to break it to him over the phone, kinabukasan. Hindi na
kasi ako makapaghintay. Habang tumatagal, lalong lumalala ang mga iniisip ko.
"May sasabihin ako sa'yo," I said when I finally answered his call.
"Ano 'yon?" he asked a bit criticially. Seryosong seryoso ang tinig.
"Tungkol sa panliligaw mo. Gusto kong itigil mo na 'to. Ayokong umasa ka ngayong
wala naman akong plano para sa ating dalawa."
He didn't answer at all so I continued.
"I also don't want to be friends with you anymore so don't worry."
I put the phone down. I did not even give him a chance to say anything. Tama na
iyon sa akin kahit pa buong intramurals, medyo mabigat ang pakiramdam ko. His last
text was about our talk when he comes back.
Jaxon:
Mag-usap tayo pag-uwi ko.
Ako:
Hindi na kailangan.
He called again but I didn't answer him anymore. Kinakabahan ako at hindi na
matanggal sa isipan ko kung ano maaari ang sasabihin niya.
I went to school for the intramurals like a zombie. Kulang lagi sa tulog at halos
walang energy. We were the first runner up for the intraschool cheerdance
competition and that's fine with me. I couldn't say I did everything I could
because I was so sure I didn't.
Tapos na rin ang presentation ng dancegroup. Sobrang daming pumalakpak. Some even
cheered for me. I'm so sure that's what I heard while doing the last and most
difficult stunt.
"Go Amber Sevilla! Hahaha!"
"Talon pa, Sevilla! 'Yong malakas!"
Hindi ko na pinagsikapang malaman kung sino ang nagsisigaw sa audience. Pagkatapos
ng sayaw, dumiretso na kami sa bleachers. Inayos ko ang gamit kong naroon at uminom
na ng tubig. I'm sweating so much and I've been so tired for days. Buti at intrams-
ender na itong programme ngayon.
"Hi Amber," tawag ng iilang basketball player na kasama noong kapatid ni Rowena.
"Hello..." I said simply. Hindi kasi ako sanay na may friendly sa akin kahit pa
madalas naman akong pinupuna ng grupo pagkatapos ng practice.
"Kayo pa rin ni Sir Jack?" the boy asked.
Umiling ako. "Hindi naman kami."
"Buti! Galing galing at ganda ganda mo, lolokohin ka lang nun. 'Tsaka masyadong
matanda na 'yon para sa'yo. Mas bagay kapag ka edad mo lang. Briggs nga pala," he
said in a friendly tone sabay lahad ng kamay.
It's not everyday that someone greets and be friendly with me kaya tinanggap ko ang
kamay ni Briggs. He smiled wider. Nilingon niya ang mga kasamahang naroon bago
binalik ulit sa akin ang tingin.
"Magkasama pala ang team bukas at ang group n'yo. See you?"
"Sure," marahan kong sagot.
"Bukod doon, sana kung imbitahin kita sa mga outing, sasama ka sa akin."
My eyes widened. Hindi ko maipagkakaila ang kagustuhan kong sumama sa mga ganoon.
Hindi ko rin ma ideny na ito na rin kaya mismo ang tinutukoy kong pagkakataon na
magkaroon ng mga kaibigan?
"S-Sure. I would love to."
"That's great. Next time, then. Sigurado ka na?" he smiled.
He was tall and unlike Rowena's brother, ka batch ko lang siya pati ang mga
kaibigang tinutukoy niya sa paligid.
"Tayo lang naman, kung sakali. 'Tsaka ilan pa naming kaibigan labas sa basketball
team. Maraming gustong makipagkaibigan sa'yo, e."
"Talaga? Sige ba!" interesado kong sinabi.
That alone made me feel positive about what's coming for me in the next days. Tama
ngang kapag may aalis, may papalit naman. Iyon ang inisip ko dahil ilang araw na
akong wala sa sarili simula noong huli kong text kay Jaxon.
"Mommy, roast beef po at lasagna 'yong dadalhin ko para sa Team Building namin,"
paalam ko sa kay Mommy nang dumalaw ako sa kanyang opisina pagkauwi.
She looked so stressed habang tinitingnan ang mga papel sa harap niya. Paminsan-
minsan din siyang sumusulyap sa computer at parang hindi na ako naririnig sa
sobrang busy.
"Mommy," uulitin ko sana pero binalingan niya ako.
"Go to the hotel's chef and tell him what you need. Kailan ba 'yan?"
"Bukas po."
"Tell them and go. I have so many things to do, Amber. Please..."
Tumango ako at ginawa na nga iyon. I then dreamily wonder if I will also bring food
kapag sumama ako sa outing ng mga kaibigan ni Briggs? Magtatanong ako bukas. I
smiled and hoped I would really finally live a normal life here in Costa Leona.
Kinabukasan, hinatid na ako ni Kuya Lando sa lugar na iyon. Doon mismo sa tapat ng
kina Jaxon ang tinukoy ng mga kasama ko sa Dance group kaya mas lalo lang akong
kinabahan. Hindi pa ako nakakababa sa SUV, nakita ko na sa malayo ang mga kagrupo
ko. Naroon na sila at nagkakatuwaan na. Nakita ko rin ang grupo ng basketball boys.
My eyes drifted towards the Riego's house. Sarado iyon at mukhang wala pa ring tao
kaya bumuntong hininga ako.
"Kuya, pahatid na lang po ng mga pagkain sa cottage namin. Huwag n'yo na akong
hintayin. Ititext na lang po kita kapag puwede na akong kunin."
"Sige, Ma'am."
Lumabas na ako sa SUV at muling pinagmasdan ang bahay nina Jaxon. Sa huli,
nilagpasan ko iyon at dumiretso na ako sa dalampasigan, kung nasaan ang grupo at
ang basketball team na nagkakatuwaan.
"Naku, salamat Miss Sevilla! Ito talaga ang hinihintay ng mga kaibigan mo!" si Mrs.
de Guzman habang tinitingnan ang dala ni Kuya Lando na dalawang tray ng pagkain.
Ngumiti ako sa kay Ma'am. Nakita ko ang paglapit ng iilang kagrupo ko at ang
excitement nila sa dala ko. I smiled at them, a bit proud that the food I brought
excited them.
"Shall we start?"
Umalis na si Kuya Lando at nagsimula na ang Team Building sa pamamagitan ng
pagdarasal. Pagkatapos ng dasal, nagsimula nang maghayag si Mrs. de Guzman sa
pasasalamat niya sa amin at sa saya niyang nandito kami lahat, nagkakaisa. She
prepared many games that will enhance our unity as a team and the likes. Nagsimula
na rin ang sa Basketball team na nasa hindi kalayuan lang ang cottage.
While Mrs. de Guzman is busy with her talk, nagbulung-bulungan ang iilang katabi
ko. Medyo na istorbo ng konti ang katahimikan at sabay-sabay nilang nilingon ang
parating na grupo ng mga bangka.
Nag-angat ako ng tingin at sa huli, natanto ko kung bakit ganoon na lang ang
usapan. I shifted on my seat and cleared my throat when I saw Jaxon in one of the
boats nearing the shore.
Sinabi na ni Mrs. de Guzman ang mga larong hinanda. Ang iba'y nasisigurong mababasa
kaya naghubad na ng damit at nagpakita ng isusuot sa pagligo. People here are
confident to wear bikinis and I think that's alright. May suot din ako pero wala
akong planong maligo, mabasa man o hindi kaya hindi na ako naghubad. Nanatiling
ganoon ang suot.
Sumulyap ulit ako sa mga bangka. Nakita kong nakatingin siya sa akin, seryoso,
kahit pa ang mga kasamahan ay nagtatawanan at kung anu-ano ang pinag-uusapan.
"Let's start our first game, shall we?" si Mrs. de Guzman sa tonong excited.
Nakihalo ako sa grupo pero parang tambol na ang aking puso sa sobrang kaba. Lalo na
dahil bawat sulyap ko kay Jax, nakatitig siya sa akin. His hawk like eyes felt like
it was so sure who to hunt and I'm starting to get nervous.
Sa unang laro, ihahati kami sa dalawang kupunan. Pupunuin ang isang litrong bote ng
tubig gamit ang kutsara na nakalagay sa bibig. It was my first time playing that
game and I find it genius and funny.
Akala ko sa pagtatapos ng pag angkla ng bangka, uuwi na si Jax at hindi na
magpapakitang muli pero nagulat ako nang naupo pa siya sa bangka at nanood sa laro.
On the other boat are some of his friends. Kung sino iyong nakita kong kasama niya
noon dito sa cottage at duyan, iyon din ang nakita ko ngayong kasama niya sa mga
bangkang iyon. Rowena was even there. She went to Jax after docking the boat she
was in.
Hindi ako kumportable. Tingin ko, mas mabilis at maayos ang ginagawa ko kung hindi
lang nakatitig si Jaxon sa akin. Pakiramdam ko tuloy nagiging pabigat ako sa grupo
dahil sa mga kapalpakan ko.
Darkly watching me while on his boat, hindi na ako mapakali. Kahit pa magpalikod
ako sa ibang kagrupo para lang hindi niya makita, nakatitig pa rin siya.
Pilit kong inalis iyon sa utak ko at nakisaya na lang sa grupo. Kung hindi lang nag
vibrate ang cellphone ko sa bulsa...
Jaxon:
Mag-usap tayo.
Nagtipa agad ako ng sagot. Kinakabahan na ng husto.
Ako:
Wala na tayong dapat pag-usapan pa. Malinaw naman ang sinabi ko noong nakaraan.
Nag-angat ako ng tingin. Nakita kong tumitig siya sa cellphone niya habang ang mga
kasama ay nagtatawanan. Rowena even tried to talk to him but his eyes remained on
his phone as he tried to type a text.
Tinitigan ko si Rowena. She was really prettier than all the other girls in their
group. In fact, tingin ko siya ang piankamagandang babaeng nakita ko rito sa Costa
Leona. Na taga Costa Leona. The pretty girls at school will be put to shame by her
beauty and if I am not mistaken, she's also a chemical engineering graduate and
that's already something.
Naputol ang isipan ko nang nakita ang pagtayo ni Jaxon galing sa paghilig niya sa
bangka. Napatingin ako sa cellphone ko at nakita ang huling mensahe niya.
Jaxon:
Mag-uusap tayo.
My heart hurt at the sudden fast and loud beating of it. Para akong masusuka sa
sobrang kaba lalo na nang nakitang palapit na siya sa amin at diretso sa akin ang
bawat hakbang niya. It would create so much commotion because for sure he'd ask
Mrs. de Guzman to excuse us first.
Wala na akong ibang maisip na gawin kundi ang mag walk-out doon. Ayokong mapag-
usapan kami at lalong ayoko sa ganoong paraan.
Umalis ako nang walang nakakapansin. I don't have friends so my absence won't be
felt much, I thought bitterly. Pero sa huli, hindi ko rin naisip kung anong gagawin
ko pagkatapos nito. Sigurado lang ako na aalis ako at maglalakad pabalik kung saan
ang SUV namin. Nakalimutan kong sinabi ko nga pala kay Kuya Lando na ititext ko
lang siya kung tapos na ako!
Bago ko pa makuha ang cellphone ko, nagising na ako sa mariing hawak sa aking
palapulsuhan at hatak sa aking kamay patungo malapit sa pintuan ng kanilang bahay.
Jaxon is dragging me out of there. Bago niya pa ako maipasok sa kanilang bahay,
hinatak ko ang kamay ko ng sapilitan.
"Ano ba?" I protested.
"Mag-usap tayo," aniya sa baritonong boses at nilingon ako.
"Ano pa bang dapat na pag-usapan natin? Hindi pa ba malinaw sa'yo ang text ko?"
"Why so sudden? Umalis lang ako, ganoon na ang matatanggap ko galing sa'yo?" he
said a bit annoyed now.
"Hindi ba puwede? Ano ngayon kung doon lang ako nagdesisyon na ayaw ko pala talaga
sa'yo?"
He looked at me with disbelief in his eyes. Umahon ang sakit at frustration pero
nawala rin agad iyon sa kanyang mga mata.
"Can't you accept it? I tried, a-alright. I-I gave you a chance," I stammered.
Umigting ang panga niya. I expected him to joke or to say something clever but he
didn't. Tumango lang siya.
"Doon ka na lang sa Rowena mo. Tutal, palagi naman kayong magkasama," I said to end
the conversation with a bang and to walk out on his face.
Babalik na sana ako sa grupo pero hinila niya ulit ako pabalik sa harap niya. I
sprang back to him because of his sudden forceful move.
"Ano ba?!" I protested angrily.
His eyes lazily examined me. Tumaas ang isang kilay niya. His wet lips twisted a
bit.
"Rowena..." he echoed. "Kasama kaming magkakaklase sa Manila para sa boards. Hindi
lang siya ang nandoon," he drawled lazily.
"Malay ko ba kung totoo ang sinasabi mo?"
"You could ask my brother. I stayed with him the whole time. And why would want to
be with Rowena, ikaw ang nililigawan ko kaya malinaw na ikaw rin ang gusto ko!"
Napakurap-kurap ako sa sinabi niya.
"A-Ano ngayon? As if I'd change my mind because of your explanation. Hindi mo 'ko
maloloko, Jaxon. I know you're just fooling around."
"I'm not fooling around-"
"I know you're a fuckboy. I'm a city girl so I can't be fooled by your cheap
antics. A-At baka hindi lang 'yon. I don't know the history of our parents but for
sure it was bad... my Mom was bad at malay ko ba kung ginagawa mo ito para lang
makaganti."
Pumikit siya ng mariin na para bang may masakit kung saan.
"Sabi mo hindi ka marunong manligaw, 'di ba? Ngayon, hindi ka rin ba marunong
tumanggap ng pagkakabasted? Huh?" I said angrily.
Mabilis niyang binitiwan ang kamay ko. Nagulat ako roon. Kahit na iyon ang gusto
kong mangyari, hindi ko inasahan na ganoon ang gagawin niya. Tila naputol ko ang
litid niya sa lahat ng mga sinabi ko. The way he let go of my hand made me feel
like he was disgusted of me. Sa mga mata niya parang ang dami niyang gustong
sabihin pero hindi siya nagsalita. Kahit pa ilang saglit pa akong nanatili roon,
naghihintay ng puwede niyang pagtatanggol sa sarili pero walang dumating.
Nagpupuyos ko siyang tinitigan. Sa galit ko, nangilid ang luha sa aking mga mata.
Before my eyes blurred I saw that his reddened a bit. At bago pa tuluyan akong
maluha, tumakbo na ako palayo sa kanya at pabalik sa grupo, determinadong
ipagpatuloy ang ginagawa. Dahil nasisiguro kong kung umalis ako ngayon, wala akong
gagawin sa mansion kundi ang umiyak.
Gulung-gulo ang isipan ko at hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko.
No one even bothered to look at me as I wipe my tears inside the cottage. Natulala
ako ng ilang sandali at nagising lang sa sigawan at hiyawan ng grupo. Nakadalawang
laro na sila na wala ako.
"Amber, halika! Sumali ka sa mga kaibigan mo," si Mrs. de Guzman nang nakitang mag-
isa ako sa loob.
Tumango ako at pilit na ngumiti. Nakihalo ako sa mga kasama kahit pa alam kong
nahihirapan na ako sa nararamdaman ko. I volunteered for the next game in the hopes
that it will distract me.
Nagbihis ang iba. Hindi ko alam kung anong meron at hindi na rin ako nag-abalang
makinig sa gagawin. Lalong lalo na nang nakita ko si Jaxon pabalik doon. He was
just looking darkly ahead, with jaw clenched, and eyes brooding and serious.
Diretso siyang pumunta sa bangka. Kinausap siya ng mga kaibigan at sumagot naman sa
pormal na paraan.
"Amber, ano na?" tarantang sinabi ng kasama ko sa team.
Hindi ko namalayang nagsimula na pala ang laro. They were stripping! Napatingin ako
sa laro at nakitang naghuhubad nga ang lahat habang hinihilera ang mga damit.
The basketball team were watching and cheering for us.
Natulala ako habang pinapagalitan ng kagrupong abala sa paghuhubad ng kahit
headband.
"Ano ba?"
"S-Sorry... Sige..." sabi ko at mabilis na hinubad ang suot na dress.
It's only a knitted dress kaya mabilis hubarin. I'm wearing shorts, anyway kaya
ayos lang na hubarin ko ang damit. Lalo na dahil ang mga kasamahan ko ay napabikini
na rin sa sobrang desperadang manalo.
I removed my headband and sandals para malagay na rin doon.
"Shorts!" sabi noong kasama ko.
Nagulat ako roon. Napatingin ako sa paligid. Nakita kong bikini na lang talaga ang
halos lahat at ako na lang ang may shorts pa. Unconsciously, I glanced at Jaxon.
I saw him watching me while rolling the large rope in his shoulder and hand.
Umigting ang kanyang panga at supladong nag-iwas ng tingin. My heart hurt at the
way he looked at me but I think it's for the better.
Naghubad ako ng shorts, leaving me with my pale skimpy two piece. Sumulyap ulit ako
kay Jaxon. Nakatingin siya sa akin. He looked at me with so much anger in his eyes
and then he looked away smoothly. Sumakay sa bangka at pinaandar na iyon.
Marami ang pumiri sa ganda raw ng bikini ko. Even the basketball team appreciated
that we won. Si Briggs ay muling sinabi sa akin ang tungkol sa alok niya. It made
me smile but I couldn't get myself to be happy.
"Sa Sem break siguro para makauwi iyong ibang kaklase namin galing Kalibo. Ayos
ba?" he asked me.
"O-Okay. Ano bang dadalhin ko sa outing na 'yan?" I asked a bit distracted with my
thoughts.
Wala na akong gana kahit na dapat masaya na naman ako. I got rid of Jax and earned
some friends. That is something, right?
"Wala na, 'no! Kami na ang bahala sa'yo, okay? Basta, free ka, ha? Siguro after
finals. Game?"
I smiled again and nodded.
"Deal 'yan."
"Deal," sabi ko.
It was the last time I talked to Jaxon Riego. He doesn't go to our school anymore
every afternoon at kapag may project kami nina Evelyn, nadadatnan ko pa rin siya sa
kanila.
Isang araw nga, kabadong kabado ako kasi paalis ako nang nakita kong lumabas siya
sa kanila. He only looked away after seeing me. Hindi ko pa na titext si Kuya Lando
kaya ilang saglit pa akong naghintay doon sa tapat nila bago tuluyang nakasakay at
nakauwi sa amin.
Ilang beses pa iyong naulit. Minsan, sinasadya ko na talagang hindi itext si Kuya
Lando... o tagalan ang pagtext kay Kuya Lando para lang magtagal din doon sa tapat
nila.
"Oh, Amber, anong ginagawa mo rito?"
I almost jumped in surprise when I heard someone behind me, near their house. Si
Tito Achilles lang pala.
"U-Uh... Naghihintay pa po ako sa driver namin."
"Ganun ba? Gusto mo pumasok ka muna sa amin habang wala pa?" alok ni Tito.
Mabilis akong umiling. "Naku, huwag na po! Nakakahiya n-naman po."
"Ayos lang..." while he went on with his reasons, I saw Jaxon going out of their
house with Rowena.
Nang nakita niya ako, nanatili ang madilim na ekspresyon at ngiti na tingin ko'y
galing sa pinag-usapan nila. Tumawa si Rowena at sumulyap sa akin.
I looked away and started dialing Kuya Lando's number. Pagkatapos ng tawag ay
binalingan ko si Tito Achilles. Wala na sa labas sina Jaxon at Rowena. Siguro
bumalik na sa loob.
"Papunta na raw po si Kuya Lando. Dito na lang po ako..." sabi ko.
Tito Achilles nodded. "Sige. Sa susunod kapag natagalan siya, huwag kang mahiya na
pumunta sa amin. Andyan naman si Jack."
Yumuko ako at tumango na lang sa kanya. Nang dumating ang aming SUV, pumasok na ako
ng walang pag-alinlangan.
My relationship with other people progressed but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't
appreciate it especially when day by day I think about him too much until I cry.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iniiyak ko. Hindi ko naman siya gusto pero naiinis ako.
Naiinis ako sa kanya. Alam kong may nasabi akong mga hindi magandang bagay at
maaring na offend siya pero... hindi niya man lang pinabulaanan iyon. Hinayaan niya
akong maniwala na tama nga ang hinala ko sa kanya.
Who wouldn't think ill of him, anyway? He was too fast in telling me about his
feelings! And he's older than me! Siguradong mas maraming karanasan na hindi ko pa
alam kaya... bakit ganito?
"Ayos ka lang ba, Amber?" ilang beses nang tinanong sa akin ni Phillie ito sa
tawagan namin.
"Ayos lang ako," nanghihina kong sinabi.
Kakukuwento lang niya na nagkita ulit sila ni Harper. He looks amazing and happy
naman daw. I know because he sent me a message just a week ago. Nakalimutan kong
sabihin iyon kay Phillie dahil iba ang iniisip ko.
"Sigurado ka ba? Napansin kong simula nong binasted mo 'yong manliligaw mo, lagi
kang walang gana. Anong nangyari?" she asked curiously.
"Wala naman. Uh... ayos lang naman 'yon. Nagkaroon naman ako ng ibang kaibigan.
Kaya ayos lang."
"Wow. You sound like a robot to me. Like someone made you practice your 'ayos lang'
speech. 'Yong totoo, please?"
"I'm fine, really."
"Okay... Maghihintay na lang ako kung kailan mo sasabihin sa akin 'to. Don't tell
me you like that fisherman. Naku, Amber ha! Bukod sa sinabi mong 'di guwapo,
sigurado akong magiging dragon na naman si Tita Marem pag nalaman niya ang tungkol
diyan."
"I don't like him..." napapaos kong sinabi.
I didn't see him one painful week. At least the past weeks, minsan kapag Sabado at
nasa kina Evelyn ako. Minsan nadadaanan namin siya sa sasakyan. Ngayon, wala
talaga. Ang balita ko, nakapag exam na raw at ilang araw lang ang hihintayin,
malalaman agad ang resulta. Malamang nasa Manila siya.
"Ano, Amber? Ready ka na? Alam mo na kung anong oras tayo magkikita sa sinabi kong
lugar?" Briggs asked.
I nodded as I walked through the hallways out the school. Tiningala ko ang
kalalagay lang na tarpaulin kung nasaan nakalagay ang lahat ng nakapasang Chemical
Engineer sa school.
Rowena passed. Nabasa ko ang pangalan niya. Pagod akong ngumiti at umiling nang
nakita ang pinakamalaking pangalan sa tarpaulin na iyon.
Jaxon Archibald Riego, topnotcher.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit imbes na matuwa ako para sa kanya, nangilid pa ang luha ko
sa lungkot. Sa galit. Sa sakit. Sa pagdurusa. Sa pait. I cried so hard inside our
SUV and in that moment I am sure that I'm doing everything the wrong way. Kasi
hindi naman ako magkakaganito, kung tama nga ang ginawa ko.
Mas malala pa ang pagdurusa ko ngayon kesa sa noong naghiwalay kami ni Harper. I
couldn't even remember if I cried so hard that I think I'd bleed to death. This is
the first time that I did. And I don't even love him. I don't even like him.
Something is definitely wrong with me.

[ 12 Kabanata10 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 10
Answer
My rational self is telling me not to go, to just stay in the mansion for the whole
semestral break. Briggs have not been exactly a friend to me. Just a couple of
greetings and that was all of it. We don't even hang out at school because he's
always with the boys. Hindi ko rin puwedeng ipagkaila na maaaring ang sadya niya sa
akin ay hindi lang pagkakaibigan. But then I am tired of feeling so bad for quite a
while now.
Kung magmumukmok ako rito sa kuwarto ko, wala akong ibang iisipin kundi ang mga
bagay na hindi ko na dapat pang isipin. If I call Phillie, she'd ask me non-stop
about my debut that's supposed to happen very soon. Iyon nga lang, hindi ko alam
kung may plano ba si Mommy at Daddy tungkol doon. Hindi ko naman gusto rin ng
engrandeng ganoon pero naaalala ko ang pangarap ni Mommy para sa akin... isang
engrandeng debut party. A Dolce and Gabbanna theme with all my friends and our
family friends. I don't think that will happen, though. Bukod sa nandito ako sa
probinsya, mukha pang walang plano si Mommy roon. I don't even think she remembers
my birthday.
Hindi ko naman gustong mag demand at ayaw ko rin ng engrandeng birthday. Hindi ko
lang alam ang isasagot ko kay Phillie kasi alam niya na ganun ang plano ni Mommy
noon pa man. My Mom wasn't very modest towards her grand plans for me so everyone
in Manila is already expecting.
"Mommy, uh..." kumatok ako sa isang closed door meeting.
Mom looked at me. She looked stressed but she tried to compose herself when she saw
me near the door.
"Puwede ba kitang makausap?" I asked looking around the long table filled with some
people.
"Go on, hija. If it isn't that private, you can just ask me now. We're quite busy
for some renovations here so..."
"Uh, 'yong kaibigan ko po kasi nagyayayang mag outing kami. Sa school ang kitaan-"
Tumango na si Mommy kahit hindi pa ako natatapos. "Ask Lando to bring you there.
May ipapadala bang pagkain sa'yo?"
Umiling ako. "Wala naman po."
"You should bring some to impress your friends. Go ahead and get something from the
restaurant. Huwag kang papagabi, okay? Susunduin ka ni Lando..."
"Okay, po. Thank you."
That was my last straw. Silently, I hoped she'd be her usual self and get mad at me
for going somewhere. Hindi ko naman gustong-gustong sumama kaya kung tumanggi si
Mommy kanina, tatanggapin ko iyon at hindi ako magpupumilit. But I took her yes as
a sign to really go and have fun with some new found friends.
Nilapag ko ang isang bilugang cake sa aking kandungan habang nasa loob ng sasakyan
namin. Papunta na kami sa school ni Kuya Lando. Doon kasi ang usapan namin ni
Briggs na magkita para pumunta sa sinasabi nilang gubat na may bukal o sapa. I
don't exactly know who he's with but he said it's just his friends so siguro
classmates or basketball players.
"Salamat po, Kuya Lando. Ititext na lang po kita kapag tapos na po kami. Baka rito
rin ako magpahatid sa friends ko kapag tapos na kami sa outing," sabi ko.
"Sige po."
Lumabas na ako ng sasakyan. Walang katao-tao ang school dahil nagsimula na ang
semestral break. Dala ang cake, nanatili ako roon sa waiting shed, mag-isa habang
pinagmamasdan ang palayo naming sasakyan.
I'm wearing a stripped dress and a black short hat. I have no intention to swim so
I didn't bring extra clothes. Kahit sinabi ni Briggs na hindi na ako dapat magdala
ng kahit anong pagkain, alam kong masisiyahan pa rin siya kung sakaling may iaambag
nga ako.
Tumitig ako sa walang taong kalsada. Halos walang dumadaan dito lalo na kapag
walang pasok. Paminsan-minsang bus at van lang ang nakikita ko.
Sa malayo, nakita ko ang isang kulay abong lumang pick up. May iilang lalaki sa
likod noon at nagkakatawanan na. Naririnig ko sila. Ito ang nasabi ni Briggs sa
akin kahapon.
"Susunduin kita. Dadalhin ko ang pick up ko. Sasakay din ang mga kaibigan ko doon
kaya hintayin mo na lang ako sa shed sa labas ng school."
Kumaway ang mga lalaki sa likod. Kahit ang ilan sa kanila, hindi ko pamilyar, I
know I should try to be friendly so I waved back, too.
Tumigil ang pick-up sa harap ko. Bumukas ang pintuan ng driver at iniluwa si Briggs
doon, nakangiti at maporma.
"Hi! Nagdala nga pala ako ng blueberry cheese cake. Kahit sabi mo huwag na. Ayos
lang ba?" sabi ko habang pinapasadahan ang mga lalaki sa likod ng pick-up niya.
"Walang problema!" he said as he moved to close the distance between us.
Hinawakan niya ang braso ko at iminuwestra ang front seat ng pick-up. Hindi niya
tinanggap ang cake pero inisip kong ako pa rin ang magdadala dahil siya nga naman
ang mag dadrive.
"Yes!" Nagtawanan ang mga lalaki sa likod.
"Hi, Amber! Ganda mo talaga..." sabi ng isang lalaki.
"Akala ko suplada ka, hindi pala. Friendly at maganda pa. Ligo tayo mamaya doon,
ha?"
"Ako na lang ang pansinin mo, Amber!" unahan ng mga lalaki.
"Ganda ng sosyal na taga Manila..." humagikhik ang isa.
"S-Salamat," I said a bit uneasily.
The way they laugh and the words they used made me more uncomfortable. There were
seven boys behind the pick up. Pinagbuksan ako ni Briggs ng pintuan sa pick up niya
at pumasok na agad ako roon, kinandong muli ang cake.
"Hi, Amber... Umiinom ka ba?" tanong ng nasa likod na lalaki.
Alright, I don't like this. All the while I thought the boys are on the back of the
pick up so the girls could sit on the passenger's seat. Laking gulat ko na ang apat
na tao sa passenger's seat ay pawang mga lalaki rin! Walang babae roon bukod sa
akin! I am the only girl among the twelve boys and I am not comfortable with this
set up!
"Hindi..."
"Weh? Taga Manila ka tapos hindi ka umiinom? Hindi kami naniniwala!"
"H-Hindi talaga-" medyo takot ko nang sagot.
Patuloy ang pagdiretso ng sasakyan ni Briggs sa kung saan. As I was about to ask
him to stop the car, the boys behind us were all too busy asking me so many
questions.
"Kahit isang beses lang?"
"S-Sorry, akala ko may ibang babae. Hindi ko alam na mag-isa ako rito-"
"Nandito naman kami. Anong problema mo samin? Hindi ka namin pababayaan. Hindi ka
mabobored."
"Hindi ka mabobored kung iinom ka."
"Huwag n'yo ngang pilitin si Amber. Ang bait bait niyan tapos ginaganyan n'yo?"
sabi noong isa sa boses na hindi mapagkakatiwalaan. "Ako na lang ang samahan mo,
Amber."
What's more horrifying than this set up was the car took a turn into a very
secluded and remote area. Lubak-lubak ang daanan at puro mga kakahuyan na ang
nakikita ko. Tama ngang pupunta kami sa kagubatan pero kung sila ang kasama ko,
ayaw ko na.
"Briggs, uh, hindi na lang sana ako-"
Bago ako matapos sa pagsasalita, the pick-up moved into a complete halt which
startled all of us. Napatingin ako sa harap at nagulat ako nang may tao roon.
Jaxon Riego in his faded jeans, white v-neck t-shirt, black boots, parked his
motorbike in a drift motion in front of the car. Sa gulat, naipreno ni Briggs ang
sasakyan. Mabilis na nagpanic ang mga nasa likod, ang mga nasa labas naman, kung
hindi bumabati, tinatapik naman ang bintana ng pick up.
"Sabi sa'yo, Briggs, e, masamang desisyon 'to!"
"Oo nga, narinig kong girlfriend niya 'to-"
Briggs was paper white. He looked so stunned habang nakatingin sa kay Jaxon na nag-
aayos ng helmet.
"Labas ka Briggs. Ikaw na humarap sa kay Kuya Jack!" sigaw noong nasa labas.
"Sir! Ikaw po pala," naririnig kong maamong sinabi ng iilan sa labas.
I was stunned, too. Nakain ako ng kaba ko kanina na hindi ako makapaniwala sa
nangyayari ngayon. 'Tsaka lang ako natauhan nang lumabas si Briggs at hilaw na
bumati kay Jaxon.
"Jax, ikaw pala..." aniya, sinusubukang maging maamo.
Without hesitation, I pushed the door open. Walang pumigil sa aking gawin iyon.
Nang nilingon ako ni Briggs, puno ng apology ang kanyang mga mata.
Marahang lumapit si Jaxon sa amin. The only sound is the breaking of the dried
leaves on the floor. I stared at him stupidly with a box of cake on my hand. He's
the last person I'd wanna see right now but I can't deny how much I needed this
distraction. Ayaw ko nang sumama sa kanila ni Briggs.
"Saan kayo pupunta?" nakatingin si Jaxon sa akin pero alam kong para kay Briggs ang
tanong na iyon.
"Kuya, sa may kamalig lang sana. Uh... sasama 'yong girlfriend ko rin mamaya.
Papunta pa lang dito," sabi noong isang lalaking bumaba galing sa likod ng pick up.
I can sense their utmost respect to Jaxon. At alam kong hindi lang respeto ang
meron sila para sa kanya, the fear is very evident too that Briggs jumped a bit
when Jaxon stepped more towards them.
"S-Sinama lang namin si Amber, J-Jax, para sana makipagkaibigan. Sasabihin ko sana
sa'yo... kaso..." hilaw na tumawa si Briggs, halata ang takot.
"Talaga?" he sounded so sarcastic at kung hindi ako nagkakamali, may bahid na
paghahamon doon.
"Sorry, Kuya Jack. Pasensya na. Uh, hindi namin sinasadya na isama si Amber sa
amin..."
Habang nagsasalita 'yong isang lalaking dumipensa rin kay Briggs, bumaling si Jaxon
sa akin na para bang wala siyang naririnig na nagsasalita. His eyes smoldered with
anger and intensity. I stilled with difficulty for my knees wobbled from strange
feelings.
Bumagsak ang mata niya sa dala ko. Tumaas ang kilay niya bago supladong binalik ang
tingin sa dalawang kausap. Kahit na mga basketball players sina Briggs, nobody came
close to Jaxon's height and body built and they all know that.
"Pasensya na, hindi ko alam Jax na kayo. Uh. Hindi na ako... kami... manggugulo kay
Amber," si Briggs. "Pangako 'yan. H-Hindi na ako-"
"Ito ba ang gusto mo? Ang sumama sa kanila?" he turned to me again, firing that
question.
Napakurap-kurap ako. Ayokong magsinungaling dahil alam kong hindi naman ako
mapapasama rito kung hindi ako pumunta kanina sa school.
"Gusto kong sumama sa kanila."
"See? It was her idea, Kuya," sabi noong isa na hindi pinakinggan ni Jax.
"Pero... I changed my mind immediately when I realize there aren't girls. I j-just
couldn't say it loud because they were busy asking me questions," sabi ko.
His jaw clenched repeatedly. Bumaling siya kina Briggs at nakita ko kung gaano na
katakot sila ngayon. Bumalik sa likod ang kasama ni Briggs at may umaawat na rin
kay Briggs galing sa sasakyan.
"Iwan mo na, Briggs. Pasensya na, Sir. Sorry!"
"Amber, huwag ka na lang sumama. Pasensya na, Jax. Pasensya na talaga. Mali ako sa
ginawa kong yayain si Amber."
I know that I certainly didn't like being with all of them. It made me
uncomfortable but I didn't give them a chance to prove to me that they can make me
comfortable. Paano kung masyado lang akong naging judgemental na inisip kong masama
ang pakay nila sa akin? That's not likely judging the rudeness and playfulness of
their questions but I don't want to be rude. Isa pa, anong gagawin ko roon sa cake?
Mabilis akong tumakbo kay Briggs kahit na takot na takot siya sa paglapit ko.
Nakatitig kasi si Jaxon sa akin at masyadong madilim ang tingin niya.
"Briggs, pasensya na. I really thought there were girls around so I got excited and
brought this cake for all. Ayaw ko nang sumama at tingin ko mas kumportable kayong
mga lalaki kung kayo-kayo lang. Sa inyo na lang ito at hindi ko naman makakain mag-
isa 'yan."
"S-Salamat, Amber. Pasensya na..." Tinanggap niya naman iyon.
Briggs jumped so fast on his car that in just a second, he's already inside and
making the engine roar. Tumabi ako at hinayaan nang lumiko ang sasakyan at
humarurot palayo roon sa amin, leaving Jaxon and I alone in the middle of the
woods.
Pinanonood ko pa ang nawalang sasakyan at ang presensya niya sa likod ko, mas
lalong nagpakaba sa akin. Lalo na ngayong kaming dalawa na lang at tahimik na.
Magkaaway kami noong huling pagkikita. Hindi kami nagkakausap. Galit siya sa akin,
galit din ako sa kanya. Kanina lang nagpapasalamat ako sa pagdating niya. I felt
like he's my saviour when I thought I was in trouble. Now that I am sure I am far
from trouble and it's just the two of us, mabilis na umahon ang matinding galit na
kinimkim ko.
"Gusto mo palang sumama sa mga lalaking iyon, huh?" he taunted as I was trying to
stop the dripping acid on my system.
Sa tono niyang iyon para bang kasalanan ko ang lahat o may iba akong pakay sa
pagsama sa mga lalaking iyon. It was like he's insinuating that I wanted to be with
those boys so much I'd die. I turned to him with angry eyes. Inaayos niya na ang
helmet at may mapaglarong galit na ngiti sa labi nang tiningnan ako.
"Gusto kong makipagkaibigan."
"Gusto mong makipagkaibigan sa grupo nila? Ilang lalaki ba iyon at naniwala ka
naman na dadating ang girlfriend noong isa? Tingin mo may dadagdag na babae,
ganoon? O alam mo talaga sa simula pa na ikaw lang, mag-isa roon?" he spat angrily.
Anger boiled within me, too. He really is insinuating that I wanted to be with
those boys! Ni hindi ko alam na puro sila lalaki! How cruel! My eyes watered at my
anger towards him. Isang buwan kaming hindi nagkita at higit pang hindi nag-uusap
at ganito na ang tingin niya sa akin?
I want to shout at him how I don't know that I'll be alone with them but my tears
rolled down my cheeks before I could say anything. Umiiyak na nga ako, ganoon pa
ang sasabihin ko. I'll feel like a loser and I don't want that. Imbes na iyon ang
sabihin ko, mas pinili ko ang mas masakit na mga salita, only to hide the feelings
I've been bottling up.
"E 'di sana, hindi ka na nakialam! Sana hinayaan mo na lang ako na sumama sa
kanila. Ba't ka ba kasi humarang pa?" I said while crying so hard.
I was too angry to even pause to catch my breath. Madilim ang tingin niya pero
bahagya kong nakitaan ng gulat ang mga mata. Pinalis ko ang luha sa aking mga mata.
Sumakay naman siya sa kanyang motor, nanatili ang parehong ekspresyon sa mga mata.
"Sumakay ka na at ihahatid na kita sa inyo," he said in a cold baritone.
Hindi ko matanggap iyon. My anger is just too much that I don't know how to deal
with it. I have never felt so much extreme feelings my whole life that I feel like
a volcano, bursting. Oo, nagkaroon na ako ng boyfriend but I certainly didn't feel
all of these towards Harper. The passionate anger, the burning feeling in my heart,
and the self pity. Pride was my only weapen... my first line of defense for all of
these foreign and overwhelming new feelings.
"Ayoko!" sabi ko at mabilis na tumakbo patungo sa malayong kalsada na kita naman sa
diretsong dadaanan.
His motorbike roared to life and I then knew my running just wouldn't work.
"Isasakay kita, sa ayaw at gusto mo," he said and then the engine turned to a drift
and swiftly run towards me.
Wala na akong ibang maisip na paraan. Ayaw na ayaw kong sumakay sa kanya lalo na
ngayong umiiyak ako. Hindi kami okay. He saved me, alright, but we're not okay. I
cannot pretend, for the life of, that we are fine or civil. I want to wage war. All
out.
Tumakbo ako papasok sa naglalakihang kakahuyan. Sa sobrang lalaki ng mga puno,
halos kasing tangkad ko ang ugat ng mga ito. Hindi makakapasok kahit ang motor doon
kaya hindi niya ako masusundan. Then, I'll just wait until he's gone bago ako
lalabas doon at umuwing mag-isa!
"Amber!" he shouted and the engine of his bike died.
Humihikbi ako habang tumatakbo. Adrenaline made me run faster and almost with
precision until I jumped short at a large root. Bumagsak ako sa lupang puno ng
tuyong dahon. Mabuti na lang at hindi naman ganoon kalakas ang bagsak ko pero
humapdi ang tuhod kong naunang tumama kanina.
I groaned. Pumikit ako ng mariin at naupo muna sa mga dahon, nagtatago sa
naglalakihang ugat. I thought he wouldn't find me... or at least take time to find
me but he was immediately there.
"Fuck!" he disturbed the birds with his loud curse.
Dumaan ang pag-aalala sa kanyang mukha at walang pag-aalinlangan na nag-squat.
Hinila niya ang binti ko. Isang hawak niya lang, kumislot agad ako at halos itulak
siya. My heart is beating crazily that I could hardly catch my breath.
Mariin niyang hinawakan ang binti ko. He glared at me as his jaw clenched.
"Iwan mo na nga lang ako rito! Ba't kaba sunod nang sunod, ha?" habang nagsisigaw
ako sa kanya, kinuha niya ang puting panyo sa bulsa ng maong.
Mas lalo lang akong nainis dahil nanatili siyang kalmado habang tinatali sa aking
tuhod ang panyo niya. I want so bad to get a reaction! Anything! I don't know why
I'm bursting right now when I have never done this before! This isn't even allowed
according to my personality development classes but it's just so hard to suppress
it! I can't hold it any longer!
Tinulak tulak ko siya kahit na alam kong walang kuwenta iyon sa laki ng katawan at
sa tangkad. He ignored my full force.
"Iwan mo na ako sabi, e! Nakekealam ka pa rin pagkatapos ng ilang linggo mong
pagkakaroon ng walang pakealam! Sana tinuluy-tuloy mo na!" I screamed in an unlady
like manner.
I burst out crying so hard. Nanghihina kong sinuntok suntok ang dibdib niya.
Nagpatuloy pa rin siya sa ginagawa sa sugat ko at wala akong pakealam dun.
"Binasted na kita, e! Hindi kita gusto! Hindi ka guwapo! Ayoko sa'yo! Iwan mo na ko
rito! Huwag mo na akong pakealaman!" sunod-sunod kong sinabi habang miserableng
umiiyak.
I felt him sighing heavily. Mabilis na nahawakan ang nanghihina kong kamay sa huli.
Sinubukan kong kumawala pero masyadong malakas ng hawak niya sa aking palapulsuhan.
He put my hands down as if chained. Yumuko ako dahil ultimo pagpunas ko sa aking
luha, hindi ko na magawa kasi hindi niya pinapakawalan ang kamay ko kahit anong
gawin ko.
"B-Bitiwan mo 'ko!" nanghihina kong sinabi.
"Titigilan na kita..." he said in a calmed tone that hurt me so much.
Nararamdaman ko ang pamimilipit sa aking dibdib sa sobrang sakit. Parang pilit na
pinipiga ang puso ko. Nanatili akong nakayuko, wala nang masabi dahil ibibigay niya
rin naman... ang gusto kong mangyari.
Pumikit ako ng mariin. I can't believe this. How unfortunate. This isn't anymore
normal. This is just beyond me. Hindi ako ganito at tingin ko... alam ko kung bakit
ako nagkakaganito.
Alam ko kung bakit ako nagkakaganito at mas lalo lang akong nalungkot ngayon. Gusto
kong tumakbo at magpakalayo sa lugar na ito. I hated Costa Leona even more.
"E 'di tigilan mo na 'ko. Umalis ka na! Iwan mo 'ko rito!" bigo kong sinabi sa
gitna ng pag-iyak.
"Titigilan kita, sagutin mo muna ang mga tanong ko."
I've never been this hurt before. All this time, I thought that the happy feeling I
had when I first met Harper was the meaning of the world's most prized word. Now, I
realize it can't be prized if it was only that. Something more raw, more extreme,
more ugly, and more fierce should be named that. I know that now.
"Anong iniiyak-iyak mo ngayon?"
Lalong pag-iyak lang ang naisagot ko. Pinilit kong kumawala sa pagkakahawak niya
but I'll twist my wrist and he just wouldn't let me go.
"Sagutin mo ng maayos 'yan, titigilan kita."
"E 'di tigilan mo nga!" I spat angrily and irrationally.
I couldn't seem to compose a valid argument. Kahit anong hagilap ko sa utak ko,
sadyang wala itong maibabahagi sa akin sa ngayon.
"Sinagot mo na ba ng maayos 'yong tanong ko?" he said sarcastically now.
I glared at him, ashamed of all the flowing tears from my eyes. Hindi ko alam kung
masaya ba siyang nakikitang lumuluha ako at ultimong pagpahid sa luha ko, hindi
niya mapagbigyan ang kamay ko.
He repositioned his hold of my wrist. His right hand held on to my hand now,
brushing my fingers a bit. Natigil ako sa paghinga at bumagsak ang mata ko roon.
His large hand ate mine like a predator protecting his hunted victim.
"Madali akong kausap, Amber. Naiintindihan ko na hindi mo kayang makasama ako kasi
binasted mo na ako, hindi ako guwapo, at ayaw mo sa akin, hindi ba?" he said
clearly. "Tinigilan kita, because I know you'd like to be left alone. I know that's
what a man should do if rejected by the woman he wants-"
"You don't want me! Don't fool me!" sigaw ko.
Nagdilim ang tingin niya ngayon. Ang kalmadong disposisyon kanina, nawala ng parang
bula.
"Ginagamit mo lang ako-"
"Stop that fucking reason!" agap niya. "Your mother did so many ugly things to my
family that it inspired me to avoid you, but I couldn't! Huwag na huwag mo akong
paratangan na ginagawa ko ito para maghiganti dahil mas gugustuhin kong huwag kang
kausapin kesa masangkot sa pamilya mo. If I wasn't fucking attracted towards you, I
wouldn't even look at you!"
Napakurap-kurap ako sa sinabi niya. He looked so passionate when he said that.
Unti-unti kong nakitaan ng galit ang kanyang mga mata. His eyes were bloodshot that
even when he smiled, it only looked like an evil smile.
"Besides the history... I also don't fall for kids. Damn, I don't fall at all."
He repositioned his other hand's hold on me. Marahan niyang ginapang ang mga daliri
ko. He licked his lower lip, making me a bit dizzy from the excessive tingling
feeling. Nanatili ang mga mata ko sa aming mga kamay. My tears falling on my
forearm like an unclosed faucet.
"I'm not a kid..." marahan kong sinabi.
"You still are. It's obvious with the way you react about all of these-"
"I said, I'm not a kid!" pagalit ko nang sinabi ngayon.
He chuckled. "It doesn't matter. I'd wait."
What? Napaangat ako ng tingin sa kanya. Parang sinasaksak ang puso ko. I couldn't
breathe properly.
"Convince me with your answer, Amber, para tuluyan na kitang matigilan, gaya ng
gusto mong mangyari. Bakit ka umiiyak? Did you want to go with those boys and I'm
such an idiot for keeping you so you're crying angrily right now?"
"Hindi no! Anong tingin mo sa akin? Ayaw kong sumama sa kanila. Akala ko lang naman
na may babae roon, e, gusto kong magkaroon ng kaibigan!"
"Good. Because if you said yes, I still won't regret what I did. I'd do it over and
over again. I'd drag you out of that truck if I have to, huwag ka lang matuloy
dun."
"Anong ba kasing pakealam mo? Ba't ka nakekealam pa-"
He groaned loudly na natigil ako sa pagsasalita. "What's not clear? I fucking said
I'm in love with you!"
Nabitin sa ere ang mata ko. Para akong sinisilaban at hindi ako mapakali. I
couldn't hide the joy I'm feeling. I couldn't supress anything anymore. Kung hindi,
maaga akong mamamatay sa sakit sa puso at sa kabaliwan!
"I know what those boys are up to. It was a miracle I didn't hurt even just one of
them."
"T-T-Thank you..." I managed to croak because above all these, I am truly grateful
that I didn't get it with them. Kahit pa sabihing hindi masama ang pakay nina
Briggs sa akin, nagbago na ang isip ko kanina pa nang pumasok ako sa pick-up na
iyon. Hindi ko lang masabi ng maayos dahil sa nangyayari.
"You're welcome," he said heatedly, the anger from what he's thinking is still
showing.
Ilang sandali siyang natahimik. Kumalma ako at unti-unti nang humupa ang luhang
nahuhulog kanina. Hindi ko alam kung alin doon sa sinabi niya ang nagpagaan sa
nararamdaman ko pero may palagay akong lahat ng iyon ang nagustuhan ko.
"Ngayon, sagutin mo na ang tanong ko kanina. Ba't ka umiiyak kung hindi iyon ang
dahilan?"
My head is still out there thinking of so many bad things and I couldn't stop it.
"Ba't ka nandito? E, engineer na kayo ng Rowena mo! Sana siya na lang pagtuonan mo
ng pansin tutal lagi naman kayong magkasama, 'di ba?" I said miserably.
He sighed heavily again. Sumulyap ako sa kanya at nakita kong titig na titig siya
sa akin, lips so red from his licking and his adam's apple moving, highlighting his
manliness.
"Palagi kaming magkasama ng mga ka batch ko. Ayokong pumasa lang. Gusto kong
makatulong kaya palagi rin sila sa bahay namin-"
"Sila? Kayong dalawa lang!" I spat.
"Marami kami. If you'd only asked me that time when you saw us, I could've showed
you our house that's full of my classmates."
"Ba't ako magtatanong sa'yo? Binasted na kita!"
"Hmm."
He renewed his hold of me, this time, he's holding my hand softer. Puwede kong
bawiin na ang kamay ko kung gusto ko kaso hindi ko na ginawa.
"Right. So I shouldn't explain... basted na ako, e."
May dumaang kiliti sa puso ko na hindi ko maintindihan. Kinagat ko ang labi ko at
yumuko na lang. He softly caressed my palm using his thumb. Uminit ang pisngi ko.
"Look how my baby turned the tables. Ako dapat 'yong may tanong pero sa huli, ako
pa ang natanong at sumagot," he said softly.
"I'm not a baby," I said softly, too.
He chuckled and caressed my palm with his thumb again. My heart is floating and I
don't have a name for the sensation I'm feeling.
"Nagbigay ka pa talaga ng cake. You baked it for that bastard?" he said icily.
Nag-angat ako ng tingin. He's being crass and I don't know why I am so...
"Hindi nga ako marunong magluto, magbibake pa ako? Kinuha ko lang sa kitchen ng
restaurant 'yon."
Ngumuso siya. Nanatili ang mga mata sa aming mga kamay.
"Oh, now I feel better." He sighed.
I'm really feeling feverish. My heart is really, really floating. Magdudugo na ang
labi ko sa kakakagat.
"Ako lang dapat..." dagdag niya.
Hindi ako makapagsalita. Nabibitin talaga sa ere ang sasabihin ko.
"Sagutin mo na ang tanong ko. Ba't ka umiiyak? Hindi ba gusto mong iwan kita? Iiwan
kita... just convince me with your answer," he probed again.
Nangilid muli ang luha ko. He looked so serious now and I'm afraid that he's really
going to do it.
"Ang sabi mo in love ka sa'kin? Tapos ngayon, iiwan mo 'ko?"
Pumikit siya at pinatagal ang dila sa labi bago nagsalita. "Hindi kita puwedeng
pilitin, kung ayaw mo talaga sa'kin."
Bumuhos muli ang luha ko. Hiyang hiya na ako na gusto ko nang kainin ng lupa
ngayon. Will you stop crying, Amber?
"Ba't ka umiiyak, sabihin mo?"
Hindi ako nagsalita. Binitiwan niya ang kamay ko at nanatili iyon doon, sa pag-
asang hahawakan niya muli. Pinalis niya ang luha sa aking pisngi.
"Hindi mo ako gusto, 'di ba?"
Hindi ko alam paano naging madali ang mga naunang sagot ko sa tanong na iyan. Hindi
ko alam kung paano ko nasagot iyon ng salungat naman talaga sa nararamdaman ko.
Maybe because I believed then that I didn't like him. I couldn't like him. I can
only romantically like boys like Harper because the thought of liking a Jaxon Riego
scared me so much. I know I'd break my heart if I did. I know I'd change my life if
I did. I know I'd lose myself if I did and it terrified me. It still terrifies
me... even now when I can already say that... I do... I do like him.
"Ba't ka umiiyak, kung ganoon?"
He sighed, finally, when he realized that I still couldn't say it. I'm really just
so stunned and afraid of all of these foreign and overwhelming feelings.
"Do you need more time to answer that?" he asked huskily.
"H-Hindi ko alam..." dahil kaya kong sagutin iyon ngayon pero hindi ko alam kung
handa ba ako sa kanya.
"I can give you more time. I'm not in a hurry but... I won't be here much anymore."
Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya.
"May mga offer sa akin sa mga malalaking kompanya sa Manila. Magtatrabaho na siguro
ako roon. I want to practice my career but I'll make sure I'll visit you here
often... and if my money is enough."
What? Para akong mamamatay sa sinabi niya. Muling namuo ang aking luha. He looked
at me and I saw misery in his eyes. He smirked but it was still all there.
"E 'di ano pang silbi kung aalis ka rin naman! That's just so unfair!"
Nakita ko ang gulat sa kanya. "You still didn't answer my question, Amber. Tell
me..."
Tinulak ko siya at nag-iwas ng tingin. He chuckled and held my hand tightly again.
Hinila niya ang kamay ko para lang mapatingin ako sa kanya. Pilit kong inilayo ang
mukha ko roon. Frustrated at my reaction, lumapit siya sa akin. He wrapped his
right arm around me and his other hand held on to me so tight. Naghuhuramentado na
ako sa kalooblooban pero sinigurado kong huwag ipahalata. Now, we're both sitting
on the dried leaves with our backs on the large root of the Molave tree.
"I'll come back often," he whispered on my ear.
Suminghap ako at tumitig sa mga daliri naming nagsasalikop na. Sa gilid ng mga mata
ko, sobrang lapit niya na.
"I'll come back every time you want me here. I promise," namamaos niyang
pangungumbinsi.

[ 13 Kabanata11 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 11
Career
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko, sa totoo lang. I'm in between happiness
and sadness. Masaya ako sa napag-usapan namin. Masaya ako sa mga sinabi niya.
Masaya ako sa pinaramdam niya sa akin pero hindi ko rin maiwasan ang kalungkutan.
He will be gone. Now that he passed the board, he will leave to work.
Kahit anong pangako na sinabi niya sa akin na uuwi siya kapag gugustuhin ko, alam
kong hindi niya iyon matutupad kung talagang ang kagustuhan ko ang masusunod.
Kasi... paano kung gusto kong araw-araw kaming magkikita? How will he deal with it.
I wasn't that clingy with before but I don't know why I am so needy now.
Nanatili kami roon. We spent another half an hour just holding hands. He was silent
the whole time. Pinagmamasdan niya lang ako at tila tinitimbang ang aking
kalungkutan.
Little by little, I slowly began to understand everything. I am don't hate him. I
don't dislike him. I just hate how he makes me feel. I hate how nervous I am around
him. I hate the way he looks at me confidently when I'm embarrassed all the time. I
hate how this is all new to me when I thought it shouldn't be.
Hindi ko tuloy alam kung kaya ko bang pumasok sa ganito. Iyong malayo siya. Ayokong
sabihin sa kanya ang nararamdaman kong ito dahil wala na rin namang silbi.
Mahihirapan lang ako. Mahihirapan lang kaming dalawa. Ayokong umalis siya. Hindi ko
kaya iyon lalo na't kadidiskubre ko pa lang sa nararamdaman ko. I couldn't even
hold it together when I was denying it, how can I hold it more after finally
accepting that I do like him. I am attracted with him. I am... very, very
infatuated with him.
"I missed you a lot," he whispered.
Nanatili ang mga mata kong nakatanaw sa aming mga kamay habang siya, nakatitig sa
akin.
I can't believe that I missed him too. I missed him so much, too. Sa mga araw na
parang galit ako sa mundo o 'di kaya'y malungkot, alam ko at inaamin ko na siya ang
dahilan sa mga iyon.
"Kung hindi lang tayo nag-away, mas malaki pa sana ang score ko sa board." He
smirked.
Umirap ako. May ilalaki pa ba 'yon? Ang yabang naman!
"Ang laki na nga ng score mo. Huwag mo na akong lokohin," mapait kong sinabi.
He chuckled. "It's true. I think about you every now and then even after what
happened..."
Muli akong umirap. "Buti nga sa'yo. Hindi mo na ako pinapansin pagkatapos nun."
Kuhang kuha ko ang atensyon niya sa sinabi kong iyon. He angled himself towards me,
hinuli niya rin ang tingin ko na lalo kong iniwas sa kanyang mukha.
"Sinabi mo sa akin na ayaw mo na. Hindi ko puwedeng ipilit ang sarili ko sa'yo
pagkatapos nun."
I rolled my eyes again. I can't help it.
"Besides, I won't forget you if I continuously chase you," he said matter of
factly.
"Then, how was the two months without me?" napapaos kong tanong. "Naka move on ka
ba?"
Hindi siya nagsalita. Sumulyap ako sa kanya at nakita ko ang pagpipigil niya ng
ngiti, pagpupumilit na magsuplado, pagtaas ng isang kilay habang tinitingnan ako.
Tila siya naghahamon sa kung ano.
"What do you think?" hamon niya.
"Baka..." sabay iwas kong tingin. "Marami ka namang pagpipilian, e."
"Oo naman..." he mocked.
Napabaling ako sa kanya, nanlalaki ang mga mata. Mabilis na nagbago ang paningin at
unti-unting umuusbong ang pagtatampo.
"E 'di dun ka na! 'Yon naman pala, e!" angil ko.
Jaxon gave a harsh bark of laughter. He gazed at me with contempt.
"Selosa," mapang-uyam niyang tawag.
"Hindi nga ako selosa!" sabi ko.
"So that's how I'll get the proper response, huh? Make you jealous."
"I said... I'm not jealous," sabi ko ngayong napatingin sa kanya, naghahamon ulit
na sabihin ko iyon.
"I was only kidding. Wala akong pagpipilian at wala akong ibang pipiliin."
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. He caressed my thumb. The soft brushing of his fingers on
mine made me shiver. I feel like I am melting now. Lalo na dahil titig na titig
siya sa akin, tila inaabangan at binabasa ang lahat ng kilos ko.
"P-Puwede ka namang mamili na. T-Tanggap ko na... kung sakali. Marami kang
makikilala, sigurado ako. May magugustuhan kang iba sa Manila," medyo mahinahon
kong sinabi ngayon.
I feel so bitter but I'm trying not to be. Maybe he's right, I'm jealous. Pero kung
ngayon, wala akong maipapangako sa kanya, kalaunan alam kong mawawala rin siya.
Makakahanap din siya ng iba. Magagalit ako, masasaktan at magtatampo pero sa huli,
alam kong kailangan kong tanggapin iyon kung sakali. I can only hope now that he
won't find someone else. He won't like someone else. And he'll grow deeply in love
with me even the distance.
"Wala akong magugustuhan doon. Unless if you go to Manila, then I think we can say
I like someone who's in Manila."
Ngumuso ako.
"Hindi ako aalis dito. Walang plano si Mommy."
"Then, I won't like anyone in Manila. Nasa Costa Leona ang gusto ko." He said and
he poked my nose.
Sinimangutan ko siya.
"Kung hindi ka naniniwala, then let's let time talk and prove it, shall we? Walang
ibang paraan para mapatunayan ang sinasabi ko kundi ang palipasin ang panahon."
He's right. Malungkot kong pinagmasdan ang mga kamay naming dalawa habang pinalipas
namin ang minuto... oras na nanatili kami roon, magkasama. I missed him so much.
I'm scared to be vocal. I'm scared I won't be able to handle my own feelings. I
can't expect him to handle that when I get confused because he won't be here.
"Can you walk? I can carry you-"
"K-Kaya ko namang maglakad," sabi ko at tinibayan ang sarili nang nagpasya kaming
umalis na roon. Nararamdaman na namin ang papalubog na araw at nauunang dumilim
doon dahil sa nagtatayugang puno.
Hindi ko na siya tiningnan pa pero alam kong nakatingin siya sa akin. He's watching
my every move cautiously that even a slight out balance, he'd wrap his arm around
me just to help me. Hindi niya na rin ako tinanong ng kahit ano. We silently walked
past the large roots until we're nearing his bike.
"Ihatid mo na lang ako malapit sa inyo. Susunduin kasi ako ni Kuya Lando," sabi ko.
"Puwede kitang ihatid na sa mansyon n'yo."
Umiling ako. "I already texted Kuya Lando. Baka tumulak na patungo sa inyo."
"Alright. I'll call you later. Don't hang up on me, okay?"
Marahan akong tumango nang 'di siya tinitingnan.
Of course, I didn't tell Mommy about what happened. Bukod sa baka magalit lang
siya, ayaw ko ring ikuwento sa kanya ang tungkol kay Jaxon. Not that we have much
time, anyway. While eating, she was on the phone the whole time talking about
business of some sort.
The next days were like whirlwind. Sa sobrang saya ko, halos hindi ko na
namamalayan ang oras. If I am not out with Jaxon, I am at home, in my room,
answering his calls or texts.
Simula noong nangyari sa gubat, madalas na ulit kaming magkasama. We talk about
random things. I don't want to talk much about what we are and he also doesn't
demand anything. Iyon nga lang, alam kong palapit na ang pag-alis niya.
He filled me with news about how they celebrated his success back in Manila. It was
a simple dinner in a decent restaurant. I am actually surprised that his family are
in Manila. I couldn't quite grasp why he and his father remained here. Ang alam ko
lang, may pinapaayos silang bahay hindi kalayuan sa mansion. Niyaya niya akong
bumisita roon kapag break ng mga trabahante. Pumayag naman ako. I have really never
been to places here in Costa Leona unless I am with him.
Pero sa ngayon, dito muna kami sa talampas. Pinagluto niya ako para raw icelebrate
namin ang pagkapasa niya sa board. It was a very late celebration. We have been
calling, texting, and going out for weeks now. Nakapag enrol na rin ako sa school
for the second sem, kasama ko siya nun kaya walang problema.
"You cook so well," I noted after eating a local dish I've always loved.
He smirked. Umupo siya sa tabi ko at tinabi na ang kinain. Tapos na siya
samantalang medyo mabagal naman ako sa pagkain.
"Mag-aaral ka na rin bang magluto?" tanong niya.
Uminit ang pisngi ko. I would love to. Maybe I should start considering that as a
hobby? Wala naman lagi si Mommy sa mansyon kaya hindi niya ako mapipigilan kung
sakaling gawin ko nga.
"P-Paano kung hindi ako matuto?"
He chuckled. "Matututo ka. Madali lang."
Hindi ko alam kung bakit negatibo agad ang naiisip ko sa sinabi niya. I tried to be
positive but i guess I am just too naive to really stand my ground on this.
"Bakit? Magugustuhan mo kapag marunong magluto ang isang babae?"
Nagtaas ako ng kilay at tiningala siya. From serious, his expression changed into
the usual ruthless and mocking. He smirked again.
"How can you say that? The girl I like doesn't even know how to cook."
He looked at me with piercing eyes. Ngumuso ako at hindi pinahalata ang sayang
naramdaman.
"Mag-aaral na ako. Iyon na lang ang gagawin ko habang wala ka," sabi ko.
Aalis siya para sa oath taking at pagpoproseso ng iilang files. Ilang araw lang daw
ang aabutin. Babalik ulit siya rito bago umalis ng tuluyan para magtrabaho. Hindi
na namin napag-usapan ang tungkol sa pag-alis niya kaya nagulat ako nang nakaya
kong buksan ulit ang topic na iyon.
"Tsss. Hindi puwede. Sa unang subok mo sa pagluluto, ako ang unang titikim."
My face and my neck heated. Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. His mouth twisted
sexily. Something in his mind is bothering him and it bothered me, too. What is it?
"E 'di kailan ako magpapractice?"
"Pag-uwi ko galing oath taking, magluluto ka. That's your gift for me."
"Iyon pa ang first kong luto. Paano ang second... at ang third? Magpapractice ako.
Kaso... wala ka. Kasi may trabaho."
He didn't say anything. Nanatili ang mga mata niya sa akin, seryoso. Mabilis kong
inayos ang disposisyon ko para hindi siya magalit sa akin.
"Pero ayos lang. Sinabi mo naman na uuwi ka rito. Every weekend lang ba?"
"Oo. Uuwi ako rito. Every weekend kung iyon ang gusto mo."
Paano kung sabihin kong araw-araw ang gusto ko? I'm trying my best not to be clingy
and not to be selfish so I shut my mouth.
As much as I want to stop the time, it runs faster and faster when you're happy.
Para bang alam nito na masaya ka at ayaw nitong masaya ka kaya binibilisan nito ang
bawat araw. Parang kailanlang, nag-eenrol pa kami ni Jaxon para sa second semester
ko, ngayon biglang pasukan na. Bukas na rin ang alis niya para sa oath taking.
My first day of school for the second semester, I figured I'll be classmates with
Briggs sa isang major subject. Nagulat ako at medyo natuwa ng konti. Paano ba naman
kasi, wala akong kilala roon kundi siya. May iilang kaklase ako noon na kaklase ko
pa rin pero dati rati pa naman nila ako iniignora. I just thought Briggs won't
ignore me but then he did. He couldn't even look straight to me.
"Briggs," tawag ko pagkatapos ng klase.
"U-Uh... Ikaw pala, Amber."
"Oo. I'm happy we're classmates."
"Ah. Ganun ba? A-Ako rin. Sige... mauna na ako," sabi niya kahit hindi pa halos
tapos sa pagliligpit ng gamit.
Natapon ang iilang libro niya sa pagmamadali. Tumulong ako sa pagpulot. Kinuha niya
sa akin iyon at mabilis na ring lumabas ng classroom. I sighed.
Hindi lang din iyon ang major subject na magkasama kami. Sa sumunod na klase,
classmate ulit kami. Naroon din si Evelyn at Roda na wala pa ring pakealam sa akin.
But then I was so surprised when they included me on their group. Ginrupo kasi kami
na tig lilima at siguro ako lang ang kilala nila dahil halos bago ang mga kaklase.
"Kulang pa tayo," sabi ni Evelyn kay Roda.
Nilingon ko si Briggs at nakitang mukhang wala pa rin siyang grupo. Siguro, pareho
namin siya na konti lang ang kilala.
"Si Briggs baka puwede," sabi ko.
"Puwede. Kausapin mo, Amber. Para magrupo natin siya."
Nilapitan ko at kinausap si Briggs. He didn't know anyone except another boy with
nerdy glasses. Niyaya ko silang dalawa na sumali sa amin dahil kulang din naman
kami ng dalawa. Arnold, the guy with thick glasses is now with us. He's a shy and
short boy with brilliant ideas. Natuwa kaagad si Evelyn at Roda dahil nasali siya
sa amin.
Umalis na si Jaxon at balik ulit kami sa tawagan tuwing gabi. He texts me too
during the day but I don't pressure him that much. Hindi rin kasi ako
makakapagreply dahil madalas, nasa klase ako.
"Kumusta, Amber? 'Yong debut mo? Sa susunod na buwan na 'yon, ah?" si Phillie na
hanggang ngayon nagtatanong pa rin doon.
"Walang sinabi si Mommy, e. Lately, she's very stressed with work."
"Ganun ba? Though, I heard your father will make big in his recent investment."
"Well, I don't really know much about it. Hindi naman kasi nila sinasabi sa akin."
"Nasabi kasi ni Dad na nag invest din siya roon sa kay Tito Dencio. Paano ba naman
kasi, sobrang laki daw ng ininvest ni Tito roon, imposible daw na pumalpak, sabi ni
Dad. I heard he withdrew almost eighty percent of his stocks to gamble with his
recent venture."
"Yeah. Pati si Lolo raw nag invest na rin," sabi ko.
"Sigurado ka bang hindi ka magkakaroon ng kahit simpleng debut?"
"I just know walang plano si Mommy, Phillie."
"Pero uuwi naman kayo para sa pasko?"
"Hindi ko rin alam. Ayokong tanungin si Mommy. I don't want her pressured about it.
I'm fine without a grand debut, anyway. Ayos na sa akin ang dinner lang, Phillie."
I chuckled. "But of course, I'll invite you."
"Kung sa bagay. I'm just sad na hindi ka nakapunta sa debut ko. Kung magdedebut ka
diyan, kahit dinner lang, Amber, pupuntahan talaga kita. I'm not saying that you
could've gone to mine, ha. I know Tita Marem too much and I know she won't allow
you even if Harper wasn't there."
Speaking of Harper, nagkausap na ulit kami sa text. I am happy that we are on
speaking terms again. Hindi naman madalas pero natuwa lang ako nang nakapagreply
siya sa huling mahaba kong text para sa kanya.
Harper:
I'm fine. Thank you, Amber. Kumusta ka na? I know I've been very rude towards you
even when we are in a relationship. Sana mapatawad mo ako sa mga naging kasalanan
ko. I've been abroad some months ago. Nag-away kami ni Dad dahil gusto niya roon an
ako mag-aral. Hindi ko pa alam kung ano talaga ang desisyon ko. My life kind of hit
some bumps or two so I have been distant with almost everyone. I hope you'll
forgive me.
Ako:
I'm so glad you shared this to me. Nalulungkot ako sa away n'yo ng mga magulang mo.
Sana maisipan mo kung ano talaga ang gusto o kailangan mo para makapagdesisyon ka
na. Of course, I forgive you, Harper.
Umuwi rin si Jaxon pagkatapos ng isang linggo sa Manila. Tuwang tuwa ako. Ngayon,
hindi lang sa chat o videocall sa Facebook kami magkakausap. He's finally here!
He visited me at school and promised that by the weekend, we'd visit the house his
brother is renovating. Doon ako magluluto kasi may mga kubyertos naman daw at
kumpleto na ang kitchen.
He prepared everything. Siya rin ang pumili ng lulutuin ko at sinigurado niya iyong
madali lang daw. But reading the recipe, nahirapan ako ng konti.
"Adobo," I echoed.
The wooden looking house was almost complete. Maganda, magara, at malaki. Hindi
kalayuan o kasing laki ng mansion namin. Only that, this has a foreign beach house
feels. Iyong amin naimpluwensyahan sa kultura ng kastila at sa dami ng antigo, mas
lalo nitong napagtitibay ang pagiging klasiko.
He showed me a video of how to cut the onion properly. Siya na ang nag marinate.
Talagang paghihiwa at luto na lang ang gagawin ko.
"Okay. I think I know how that works!" mayabang kong sinabi at binalingan na ang
kutsilyo at garlic.
I concentrated on the onion's sides. I tried so hard to concentrate para hindi ako
mapahiya. I can hear him chuckling behind me. Pinagpawisan na ang noo ko at
kinabahan na ako bago ko nahiwa sa dalawa ang isang buong onion.
"See?" mayabang kong baling sa kanya.
Nasa sink siya, nakahilig at nanonood sa akin. A small smile is on his lips.
"Go on..." he encouraged.
I cut the onions properly. Mahirap pala ito. Inabot ako ng ilang minuto. Hindi na
nakayanan ni Jaxon. Lumapit na siya.
"Hold it properly," he said.
Nasa likod ko na siya ngayon, inaayos niya ang pagkakahawak ko sa sibuyas. He also
covered my hand that's holding the knife.
"I hate watching you do this. Pakiramdam ko, masusugatan ka," he said as he guided
my hand in cutting the onions.
Kumalabog ang puso ko. He's almost hugging me from the back. I can feel his chest
on my back. His arms are touching mine. I feel so small in front of him. Hindi ako
makapagsalita habang iginigiya niya ang lahat ng iyon.
"There..." he said and stopped.
Nilingon ko siya. He looked serious behind me. Nakalayo na dahil tapos na ang
paghihiwa.
"W-Well... Next is..." nilingon ko ang cellphone ko at ginawa na rin ang mga
susunod.
Wala pa ako sa sarili nang gawin iyon. Kahit ang paglalagay ng cooking oil,
pumalpak pa dahil nasakop na ang utak ko ng kaisipang lalapit siya.
He sighed heavily and went straight to me to guide me again. Iginiya niya rin ang
paglalagay ko ng sibuyas. Umamba siyang aatras muli at hayaan na ako ngayon sa
paglalagay noong mga karne.
"Uh, Jax..." I said softly. "H-Hindi ulit ako marunong."
I didn't move even when I should already put it on the pan. Lumapit siya at iginiya
muli ang kamay ko sa paglalagay. Kinagat ko ang labi ko.
"Ipagpatuloy mo lang," namamaos niyang sinabi pagkatapos malagay ang dalawang
piraso.
Bumitiw siya sa akin at umatras ulit. I panicked and called him again while
watching the pan.
"H-Hindi ako marunong. Patulong, please..." sabi ko.
Lumapit siya ulit. I sighed my relief. Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalagay ng piraso sa
pag-aakalang igigiya niya ulit ang kamay ko pero hindi dumating. Imbes, pumalupot
ang braso niya sa aking baywang, niyakap ako galing likod. I stiffened at that. My
face heated profusely. My legs wobbled.
"You're doing it on purpose for a touch, huh?" he chuckled on my ear.
"Hindi naman talaga ako marunong!" sabi ko pero nagpatuloy sa paglalagay ng piraso.
"Oh, bakit? Ano ba 'yang ginagawa mo? Tama naman, ah?" he pointed out.
Uminit pa lalo ang pisngi ko at pinagpatuloy ko na lang kahit na para na akong
lumulutang. Hindi na ako nakapagsalita. Para akong robot na nagpatuloy sa ginagawa
habang siya nasa likod ko, kumakapit. Humihigpit ang hawak sa akin.
"Missed me? Hmm?" he whispered.
Maiiyak na ako sa sobrang kahihiyan. Nilagyan ko ng tubig ang pan ayon sa nakalagay
sa recipe. Pagkatapos ay nilagyan na ng takip. I wiped my hands with some table
napkin. Nanatili siya roon. His hands on my stomach. His touch resonating in every
part of my body.
"Tapos na. Maghihintay na lang tayo..." I announced and moved a bit but I couldn't
because he's holding me in place.
"I missed you," he said, ignoring what I said.
Tumigil ako sa ginagawa. Naaalala ko ang nalalapit naming pagkakalayo. I know we
are not together and I don't have the courage to tell him what I really feel, yet,
but I cannot reject or push him away anymore. Hindi lang siya ang masasaktan ko
kapag ginawa ko iyon. Pati ako, masasaktan din. Hindi ko na kayang lokohin ang
sarili ko.
"B-Ba't ka pa magtatrabaho? May ganitong bahay na pala kayo-"
"This is my brother's, Amber."
Marami pa akong gustong sabihin pero nilunok ko na lang ang lahat ng iyon. I don't
wanna be selfish but it's really hurting me. The words I wanted to say is hurting
me. It's okay, though. Mas ayos nang ako ang masaktan kesa siya ang masaktan ko sa
mga sasabihin ko.
"Balang araw, gagawa rin ako ng ganito."
You have your house, Jaxon. Ayos na rin naman ang dating bahay nila.
"I'll do my best for my career," he said and I bit my words back.
You have a career here, too. What's wrong with fishing everyday? Nabubuhay ka naman
ng ganoon. O puwede ring maghanap ka rito ng puwedeng paggamitan mo ng karerang
napili mo.
"And when everything's in place, then I'll have you," he whispered.
Bakit maghihintay pa? Puwede namang ngayon. Hindi ko maintindihan. Hindi ko na iyon
isinatinig pa pero habang tumatagal, sumusugat iyon sa puso ko.

[ 14 Kabanata12 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 12
Sunburnt
He said he loves me, right?
Paano kung sasabihin ko sa kanyang sasagutin ko siya, huwag lang siyang umalis?
Mamahalin ko siya, huwag niya lang akong iwan? Hintayin niya ako. Puwede namang
dito muna siya magtrabaho sa ngayon. Puwede namang mag Manila siya kapag pupunta na
rin ako roon. If my Mom wants me to graduate here, for sure after I graduate I can
pursue whatever career I want. 'Tsaka kami mag ma-Manila.
I couldn't grasp the idea of his need to go there to work. Why can people of this
town work here and he couldn't? Why is there a need to leave? At ano ang magagawa
ko huwag lang siyang matuloy roon?
Pumipilas ang kaisipang iyon sa aking puso. Kahit pa magkasama at masaya dapat kami
ngayon.
"What are you thinking?" he asked when he noticed my serious silence.
"Nothing," napapaos kong sinabi at nginitian na lang siya.
His hooded eyes remained on me. Pakiramdam ko, binabasa niya ang isipan ko. Kung
hindi ko siya kukumbinsihin na wala akong malalim na iniisip, baka masabi ko na
iyon sa kanya.
"So... when will I cook for you again?" I asked without looking at him.
"Hmm. Sa unang uwi ko galing sa trabaho," aniya.
Mas lalo lang pumait ang pakiramdam ko. I didn't want to talk about this but I
guess I just couldn't escape it anymore.
"If you leave on Thursday, you'll be here on Saturday of next week?"
If he will be, then maybe I can deal with that?
He chuckled. Nag-angat ako ng tingin. Umiling siya. Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata
ko nang natantong masyado yata akong umasa.
"I'll see. Kung makukuha ko na ang sahod ko at may pamasahe na ako pauwi rito."
"Pero sinabi mong uuwi ka every week."
He sighed. "Yes, Amber. Siguro palilipasin ko muna ang isang linggo at kapag
nasanay na ako roon, palagi na ang uwi ko. Okay?"
My heart hurt more. I want so bad to get mad at him for doing this. I just can't
understand why. Pero inisip ko ang nalalapit niyang pag-alis at kung magkakagalit
pa kami, mas lalo lang akong magdurusa. Every minute counts for me now and I can't
afford losing our time just because I am in so much pain.
"Ikaw lang ba?" I asked when I realized something.
Hindi lang siya ang pumasa. Posible kayang marami sila ang nabigyan ng pagkakataon
sa malaking kompanya na iyon?
Tumaas ang kilay niya habang tinitingnan ako, nagtataka sa tanong.
"Ikaw lang ba ang pupuntang Manila sa kompanyang iyon o may iba kang kaklase na
magtatrabaho rin doon?"
"Ako lang," he said simply.
Not content with what he said, I asked again. "'Yong mga kaklase mo, saan
magtatrabaho?"
"Well, some are trying to get in to other companies," he simply said.
"Si Rowena? Saan magtatrabaho?"
He paused for a while. His lips pursed. For me, this is the critical question.
"Well, gaya ng iba kong kaklase, nag aapply din sa kompanya-"
"Sa kompanya na nandun ka? Ibig sabihin, magkakasama rin kayo sa Manila pag alis
mo?"
Hindi niya pinabulaanan iyon. Nagkatitigan lang kami saglit at alam ko na ang
sagot. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko pero agad kong iniwas iyon. Frustration flooded
within me. I can't seem to control my temper and tears. I hate thinking about that
and now I'm going to think about that always!
"Amber!" he demanded when I escaped his hold.
Patuloy ang pagmartsa ko palabas sa bahay. Halos padabog kong naisarado ang
screendoor ng pintuan palabas sa dalampasigan. Mabibigat din ang hakbang na
iginawad ko sa wooden stairs nito at nagmarka ang steps ko sa buhangin nang
nagmartsa palabas pa sa estate.
Tears of anger fell from my eyes. Agad kong pinalis iyon. Hindi ko talaga yata
maiintindihan kung bakit pa kailangan niyang magtrabaho roon. Does he want to get
away from me. It will give him a chance to be with Rowena, lalo na kapag nakapasok
ang babaeng iyon doon.
Kung makapagsalita ako parang may ginawang masama sa akin si Rowena pero ang totoo,
wala naman talaga. She wasn't rude to me. We don't even have any encounters yet but
I hate her to the core already.
At si Jaxon naman, anong gagawin niya? Para makatulong sa kaklase, tutulungan niya
ring makapasok sa kompanyang pinapasukan niya? Ganoon ba ang gagawin niya?
Padarag akong naupo sa buhangin at mabilis muling pinalis ang panibagong
naglalandas na luha. I am trying my best alright but I just can't get a grip of
myself. Naramdaman ko si Jaxon sa likod ko. Naramdaman ko ang pag-upo niya rin sa
buhangin. Moments later, I felt his body on my back and his hand searching for
mine. Mabilis kong inilag ang kamay ko. Hindi pa nakuntento, tinulak ko ang binti
niyang sumagi sa binti ko.
He grunted at my protest. Mabilis na ipinagapang ang kamay sa aking tiyan, parang
baging na ayaw nang pakawalan ang nabitag. I pushed his other hand away who's
trying to get a hold of my violent hands. Nakuha niya rin nang inuna kong punasan
ang luha ko.
"Tapos? Anong gagawin mo? Be their hero and help them get in to your company,
ganoon ba? You'll help Rowena get in so you'd be together? Huh?" bigo kong sinabi
habang humihikbi.
"Of course, not. 'Tsaka wala akong magagawa roon. Magtatrabaho lang din ako kaya
hindi ko sila matutulungan."
"And then wala ka ring magagawa kapag nakapasok nga kasi nagtatrabaho ka lang
naman, 'di ba?" singhal ko.
He groaned and hugged me tighter. The thin black hair of his tanned legs touched my
silky smooth ones. They are like a complete opposite. Doon ko lang natanto na hindi
lang iyon ang magkasalungat sa aming dalawa. Our principles are different too.
While he wants too much prosperity for his money and career, I don't.
Nilingon ko siya at bayolenteng tinulak para iangat ang mukhang nakayuko sa aking
balikat. He looked at me with worn out eyes while I look at him with so much wrath.
"Tapos anong susunod? Pareho kayo ng tutuluyan doon kasi tinutulungan mo siya? Ako
rito ang mamamatay sa kaiisip kung totoo ka pa ba sa akin o may pinalit ka na,
Jax!" I cried.
"Hindi ko gagawin 'yan," he said huskily and with so much pain in his eyes.
"We'll never know. You say that now because we're together. Paano kung kayo na lang
ang nandoon at malayo ako... at... at miss mo 'ko? Ha? Anong gagawin mo-"
"Fuck..." he muttered breathily. "Tatawagan kita. Uuwi ako."
"What if hindi enough ang money mo para umuwi? Tawag na lang muna? Tapos... Tapos
pagkatapos ng tawag, anong malay ko kung ano na ang ginagawa mong kasama si Rowena?
Ha?"
"Wala akong gagawin dahil hindi naman ako papayag na tutuloy kami sa iisang lugar,
Amber."
"Ang hirap-hirap naman nito, Jaxon. Ayoko ng ganito," I cried more.
"Shh..." He wiped a bit of my tears with his thumb.
He renewed his embrace on me. His right hand now a bit on my chest and his lips
above my ears, kissing my hair a bit. Huminahon ako at pinagmasdan ang tuhod kong
dikit na ngayon.
"Mahirap din sa akin 'to, Amber. I wish I could bring you or I can just stay..." he
whispered.
You can stay! If you choose to stay but you wouldn't, right?
"Maiintindihan mo rin bakit ko ginagawa 'to balang araw."
Hindi ako nagsalita. He languidly wiped away the wetness of my cheeks. Marahan niya
ring hinaplos ang aking baba. I craned my neck sideways to give him more access on
it. He sighed heavily and maximized the access I gave him. I can feel his breathing
on my neck. Ang pighating naramdaman kanina ay napalitan ng kung anu-anong
sensasyon ngayon. Unti-unting naghari iyon sa aking isipan.
"And if you'd only wait and hold on to me while I'm with this, I will eventually
have the courage to bring you with me."
Hindi pa rin ako nagsalita.
"Nahihirapan din ako, Amber. Naiisip ko pa lang, nahihirapan na ako. Ngayon nga
lang ako nagkaganito, ngayon pa ako lalayo."
Kinagat ko ang labi ko.
"Nagsisisi ka na na nagustuhan mo ako? Sana hindi na lang?"
"No..." he muttered a curse again. "Of course not. Mas nagpupursige ako ngayon
dahil sa'yo."
Inangat niyang muli ang kamay para punasan ang luha ko. I closed my eyes wearily
when I felt his forearm touch the tip of my breast. The sensation I'm feeling is
too much. Nanghihina ang tuhod ko, laking pasasalamat ko na nakaupo kami kaya hindi
ako babagsak.
Namumungay na ang mga mata ko nang binagsak niyang ulit ang kamay at nahagod ulit
ako roon. The sensation was too much that I think my whole body is reacting. I
shivered and felt a bit of hot.
"Ikaw? Anong pangarap mong gawin pagkatapos mag-aral?" he asked.
His other hand now rested on my knee. Hawak ang isa kong kamay at pinaglalaruan ang
pagkakapalupot nila. Tinitigan ko iyon sa nanghihinang mga mata. Nararamdaman ko
rin ang pagyuko at titig niya sa akin. Hinayaan ko siyang angkinin ako ng ganoon.
I'm too weak to think about anything other than the way he makes me feel.
"I don't know. Get married?"
"Kanino?" his voice deepened.
Ngumuso ako. Nanghihina nang talaga ang tuhod ko at kung hindi niya iyon pinipilit
na inaangkin, kanina pa ako napahiga rito.
"Sa'yo..." I croaked out.
He chuckled sexily. "Akala ko ba ayaw mo sa akin? Hindi ako guwapo. Hindi mo ako
type."
I bit my lower lip again. I couldn't say anything. I'm too crazily absorbed with
something. I let my left leg fall down. Wala na akong lakas para panatilihin iyon
sa posisyon.
"Amber..." he called when he realized I wasn't listening anymore.
"Hmm?" I turned to him drowsily.
The first thing I saw was his lips so red and wet. I unconsciously wetted mine,
too.
"Pakakasal ka ba sa lalaking ayaw mo? Sa hindi guwapo? Sa hindi mo type?" he
taunted.
Ngumuso ako. My other leg is falling, too. His hand moved to my thigh to support
it. I felt it brush some intimate part no one has ever reached. I heard him hiss a
supposed curse but he didn't finish it.
"Lean on me," he commanded harshly.
Tahimik ko siyang sinunod. Humilig ako sa kanya, walang pakealam kung mabigatan man
siya sa akin. He remained in that position. He didn't even move a bit even with my
weight on him.
Because of what he made me do, he had an easier access to my lips. He gave me one
long kiss. Isang halik na tahimik. Tanging ang hampas ng alon, mahinahong lagaslas
ng nagsasayawang dahon, at ano mang tunog ng isang pribadong daigdig ang naririnig.
His kiss stopped long after.
"Ganito ka ba sa lalaking ayaw mo? You let him kiss and touch you?"
Umiling ako, nakatitig pa sa kanyang labi.
I have never, ever felt this way. Everything I experienced with my ex was all put
to shame. Our kisses were like an obligation and I thought it's normal. This one is
different. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko gustong matapos pa ang halik. Bakit
pakiramdam ko hindi sapat. Bakit hindi ko kaya nang isipin siyang umalis pa at
mawalay sa akin kahit saglit.
"Kung ganoon, I'm your boyfriend now..." he whispered.
His touch on my thigh tensed, as if claiming his territory. And I let him do that.
His other hand on my waist slowly went up. Ang kiliti ng haplos niya sa gilid ng
aking dibdib ay tiniis ko dahil sa sensasyong mas lalong umusli.
"Ayoko. Iiwan mo rin naman ako," malamlam kong sinabi.
"I won't. And I already kissed you. Wala ka nang magagawa. Girlfriend na kita," he
said it like I'm in a trap.
"No. That's only a friendly kiss..." I said breathily.
He mocked a laugh but didn't say anything. Imbes, pinalandas niya ang ilong sa
aking leeg. Biting my lower lip an bracing for the worsening sensation, I let him
kiss me on my neck. Gusto kong maiyak sa napakaraming dayuhang damdamin na
pinupukaw niya sa akin.
I felt his hand trace my breasts as he claimed my mouth again, this time with
intense passion and deeper simmering kiss. The only sound I hear now aside from the
sound of nature is the sound of our profound breathing and the deep kisses he's
giving me.
I felt his hand crawl inside my small white shirt. Bumaba bahagya ang tingin ko
para makita ang panghihimasok ng kamay niya sa damit ko. I saw it skillfully find
my hard tip but he didn't give me a chance to stay watching. He made me busy with
his hot kisses that all I think about are worldly and new desires.
His pushed my head back for a deeper kiss. Pagkatapos ng halik na iyon, tumigil
siya. I had stopped breathing that I needed to catch up when he stopped the kiss.
Hinabol ko ang hininga ko nang sa leeg naman siya humahalik ngayon.
"Is that still a friendly kiss?" he asked.
Namumungay ang mga mata ko. Hindi pa ako nakakabawi sa ginawa niya. Lalo na't
nanatili ang kamay niya sa ilalim ng damit ko, sa aking tiyan.
"I'll leave so I can make your dreams come true. I'll marry you when the time is
right. I'll marry you when I am right for you. Leaving this place is the only way
to do that."
No matter how he says it, I still don't want it done. Hinding hindi ko kailanman
maiintindihan kung ano ang meron at bakit kailangang umalis? Bakit nagkakapera
naman ang mga tao rito sa Costa Leona kahit dito sila nagtatrabaho at tumitira?
I don't understand. I probably will never understand.
"Amber, uuwi tayo ng Manila ng mas maaga sa christmas vacation," Mommy said while
we are eating.
"Okay po," medyo malungkot kong tiningnan ang pagkain namin sa harap.
"We'll go home around December fourteen," he said.
I only nooded. Parang dumaan lang sa isipan ko ang tungkol sa birthday ko. December
fourteen is my birthday. Uuwi kami sa ganoong araw siguro para icelebrate nga sa
Manila ang birthday ko.
"Magpakain ka na lang sa mga kaibigan mo rito bago tayo umuwi, kung iyon ang
ikinalulungkot mo ngayon."
Napabaling ako kay Mommy. Bahagya akong kinabahan na nakita niyang malungkot ako.
"Ako na ang bahala mag explain sa school mo kung bakit tayo uuwi ng ganoong araw at
baka makaliban ka rin ng isang linggo sa school n'yo pagbalik. Depende pa..." si
Mommy ulit.
"Sige po..."
She didn't say anything about my birthday plans and it's okay. I am not much
looking forward to it except for... Oo nga pala! Jaxon will be in Manila! We can
meet there! Paano kung siya naman ang uuwi ng pasko? E 'di ako naman ang nasa
Manila? Maybe not. He must stay there while I'm there too! I brightened up.
"Magtatagal tayo ng Manila, Mommy?" medyo tuwang tuwa kong natanong.
"Maybe..." she smiled when she noticed my expression.
"I'm so happy, Mommy!"
"You'll finally see your friends, hija..."
Hinawakan ni Mommy ang kamay ko. Bukod pa sa makikita ko ang mga kaibigan ko, hindi
ko maipagkakailang may ibang dahilan na ako para matuwa ngayon.
"These past few months, I realized something, hija..." she said in a dramatic tone.
"I have been a cruel mother to you. Nakikita kong mas aktibo ka rito dahil lang
hinahayaan kita sa mga gagawin mo."
I smiled. Mommy is right. I have never been this happy, too. If this continues, I
think we'd finally be able to understand each other.
"You must admit that you have your share of mistakes, then. I must admit that I
have mine, too. Kaya pasensya na, Amber, kung ganoon ang nangyari sa atin sa taong
ito. I hope that we can somehow build a better relationship from all of these."
"Of course, Mom."
Wala na ata akong mas isasaya pa. Many times I have the urge to finally tell Mommy
about Jaxon pero pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko. Umaayos na kami ni Mommy at ayokong
habang inaayos namin ito, magkaroon ng kahit konting problema. Maybe when we
finally understand each other, I will then tell her. She will then finally accept
that.
Speaking of... naiisip ko kung ano kaya ang nagawa talaga ni Mommy sa pamilya ng
mga Riego at bakit nasabi ni Jax na naging malupit nga siya sa kanila. I don't
wanna ask Mommy about it and I tried asking Kael but he doesn't seem to know more
about it.
Minsan ko na ring natanong si Jaxon tungkol doon. I refuse to talk about the coming
days because I really can't accept his leaving.
"Ano ba talagang nagawa ni Mommy sa inyo? Wala akong mapagtanungan at ayokong
tanungin na rin si Mommy," sabi ko.
"Forget about it. That's nothing to us anymore. Even to my father," he said.
Kumunot ang noo ko.
"Hindi ko makakalimutan kung hindi ko alam kung ano ang lilimutin ko. It's a
mystery to me so it will be a bit hard to forget. Will you tell me a bit of it,
please?" I pleaded.
He sighed. Madilim ang titig niya sa akin. Sa huli, hinila niya ako palapit sa
kanyang dibdib. Nasa talampas kami ngayon, tinatanaw ang bayolenteng hampas ng alon
sa mga naglalakihang batuhan.
"Let's just say your mother got so angry at my father for marrying someone else
that she deprived him of a better job."
Hindi ko na tinanong kung paano pinigilan ni Mommy si Tito Achilles na magkaroon ng
mas magandang trabaho. May pakiramdam akong ano man iyon, nasisiguro kong kaya nga
itong gawin ni Mommy. Maria Emilia Galvez will raise hell if she wanted to. I know
that. To all those contests I joined in, all the agencies, all the classes, I was
always the best not only because I had the best resources but also because I have
the best coach... my Mom.
"I'm sorry to hear that."
Wala na siyang idinugtong.
"My mom is cruel, I should admit it. Kahit noon pang home schooled ako, lagi siyang
mahigpit sa akin."
"You were home schooled?" he asked a bit harshly.
Tumango ako. "For a time, yes. I love her so much that I just let her do whatever
for my life."
"Hindi dapat ganyan, Amber," sabi ni Jax.
Huminga ako ng malalim. "I know..."
Ilang sandali kaming hindi nag-usap. I admired the silence between us and the
intimate position of our fingers.
"Pagbalik ko, mamamasyal tayo. Saan mo unang gustong pumunta?" aniya pagkatapos ng
mahabang katahimikan.
Muli akong nasaktan. I don't want to talk about this. I don't want this.
Nilingon ko siya. I glared at him. Nilagay niya ang takas na buhok sa likod ng
aking tainga at inangat ang baba ko. He kissed me a bit and that startled me.
"Hindi ka pa nakakasakay ng bangka. Hindi ba ayaw mo rin nun?" nangingiti niyang
sinabi.
I got a feeling that he's trying to lighten up the mood. It's not working for me.
"I don't like going to the beach... I'll get..."
"Sunburnt..." dugtong niya para sa akin sabay ngisi. "Arte!"
He then kissed my neck as he hugged me tightly. He's really trying to change the
topic and somehow it got me.
"Namumula ako pag sobrang naiinitan."
"I know. Your cheeks turn so pink every after a ride with my bike. Isisilong naman
kita. Ayokong habang wala ako, malalaman ko na lang na sumakay ka sa ibang
mangingisda."
Ngumuso ako. "Hindi ko gagawin iyon!"
"Paano kung magawa mo bigla? I don't take risks when it comes to you, Amber."
You don't take risks when it comes to me? Then why will you work away from me? That
is the biggest risk you'd ever do to me, Jaxon.
Dumating na ang linggong kinakatakutan ko. Kahit sa school, wala na ako sa sarili
habang nasa mga meetings kaiisip sa mangyayari. And he chose to leave on a
Wednesday! When I'm at school so we won't meet or I can't say goodbye!
Ayos lang iyon. Malapit na naman ding mag Disyembre. Uuwi ako ng Manila at nandoon
siya. Kahit anong isip ko nun, hindi tumatalab.
"Amber, nakikinig ka ba?" tanong ni Roda sa akin.
"Sa kina Evelyn ulit tayo para sa project na ito, ha? Pumunta ka. Mag si-set na
lang tayo kapag meeting na. Mag dala ka ng pagkain at baka gutumin tayo."
"S-Sige. Ano bang gusto n'yo?"
"Iyong Lasagna ulit at... cake. Mga cheesecake, ganun... Ha? Damihan mo."
"Sige... Sabihin n'yo lang kung kailan," medyo matamlay kong sinabi.
Matamlay din ako kahit noong huli naming pagkikita sa Tuesday ng hapon. Dahil may
pasok, hindi siya nakalapit. Nag-iiyak na lang ako sa kuwarto kinagabihan dahil sa
sakit. Hindi ko sinagot ang mga tawag niya dahil alam ko kung ano lang ang pag-
uusapan namin.
Hindi ko matatanggap. Kahit anong gawin kong isip, hindi ko maintindihan. I will
never accept this. Why is his job more important than me? Kasi kung ako may gustong
gawin at ang kapalit hindi ko siya makikita, uunahin ko siya. He will be my
priority. I'll put him first always. Why can't he do that for me?
Nasa gitna ako ng klase. Nakita ko ang oras ng pag-alis niya sa ticket niya.
Mamayang alas kuatro iyon. It was raining the whole morning that I wished it to
rain violently the whole day so flights will be cancelled. Kaya lang, eleven came
and the sun rose like nothing will ever happen to the sky anymore.
Kung kailan ko kailangan ng ulan, 'tsaka naman wala kahit isang patak. The past
days had been rainy that our hang outs on the cliff were shortlived. Ngayon bakit
ayaw nang umulan?
I couldn't take it any longer. My next class will be on 1pm and I no longer care if
I'll be marked as absent. Bumuhos ang luha ko habang palabas ng school, determinado
sa gagawin. Pumara ako ng tricycle at nagpahatid sa kanilang Jaxon. Hindi ko na
kaya.
Mabilis akong nagbayad sa tricycle, hindi na inalintana ang sukli dahil tinakbo ko
na ang distansya roon papasok sa loob ng maliit na baranggay nila.
The door of their house opened. My face lightened up. Kahit anong palis sa luha,
bumubuhos pa rin iyon. Akala ko si Jaxon ang lalabas. Dinapuan ako ng hiya ng
nakita si Tito Achilles iyon.
"Amber?" he said in a concerned tone.
Bumagal ang takbo ko dahil palapit na ako. Mas lalo ring lumapit si Tito. Humihikbi
pa rin ako kahit na pinipilit ko nang huwag maiyak.
"Amber, anong nangyari sa'yo?" mas lalong takot na tanong ni Tito Achilles.
"Tito... Si Jaxon po? Andyan pa po ba o... o nakaalis na?"
"N-Nasa loob. Anong problema?"
Suminghap ako. Mas lalo akong naiyak ngayong bumuhos ang ginhawa nang malamang
andyan pa siya sa loob ng bahay nila, hindi pa nakakaalis.
"Gusto ko po siyang kausapin."
After what I said, I saw Jaxon on the door. His eyes widened when he saw me. Naka
itim na polo shirt, may jacket, maong, at black caterpillar boots. He looked so
ready to go and leave me.
"Amber!" he called.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Hindi ko kayang makita siyang aalis. Mas lalo lang akong
lumuha.
"Jaxon!" umalingawngaw ang galit na sigaw ni Tito Achilles sa anak.
Jaxon run towards me. Kung hindi niya lang ako nahawakan, baka nabuwal na ako sa
sakit at pighati habang umiiyak.
"Shhh..."
"Anong ginawa mo sa kanya?!" si Tito Achilles.
He muttered more words for his son. Yumakap na lang ako kay Jax ng sobrang higpit
sa pangarap na hindi na siya umalis dahil dun.
"Huwag ka nang umalis..." iyak ko sa kanyang dibdib. "Please, for me, Jax."
Natahimik silang dalawa. I hugged him tighter and tighter. I hugged him with all my
heart's content.
"Mag-uusap lang kami ni Amber, Papa. Saglit lang..." paalam ni Jaxon bago ako
iginiya palayo roon.

[ 15 Kabanata13 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 13
First Love
Hindi pa rin ako tapos sa kaiiyak ko. Dinala niya ako sa isang sirang cottage sa
harap ng dalampasigan. He made carried me and made me sit on a high bamboo bench as
I cry my feelings away. Nasa magkabilang side ng upuan ko nakatuko ang kanyang mga
kamay. He leaned forward a bit and crouched so our eyes would level. Nakatayo siya
sa harap ko at hinihintay ang paghinahon ko sa pag-iyak. Hindi na ata iyon darating
dahil kahit anong punas ko sa luha, bumubuhos pa ang bago.
"Huwag ka nang umalis, please, hindi ko kaya. Ayoko, Jax..." habang humihikbi ako.
Tinulungan niya ako sa pagpupunas ng luha. Nanatili ang bagsak ng mga mata ko.
Hindi ko siya kayang tingnan. But then he cupped my cheek and met my eyes.
"Hindi ko rin kaya, Amber. Magtitiis ako para kapag humarap na ako sa mga magulang
mo balang araw, hindi lang pangingisda ang pamumuhay ko."
"Anong problema sa pangingisda? Nakakakain ka naman araw-araw at marangal na
trabaho iyon!" giit ko.
He sighed and leaned on my shoulder. Nilagay niya ang kanyang mukha sa aking
balikat ng ilang sandali habang humihikbi pa rin ako.
"Ganun lang 'yon? Kayang-kaya mo akong tiisin? Kaya mong makita akong malungkot?
Umiiyak?"
He grunted wildly. Ganoon pa rin ang posisyon sa aking balikat. Wala nang masabi.
"Mas gusto mo ang trabaho mo kesa sa akin? Tapos sabi mo... girlfriend mo na ako.
Pero iiwan mo 'ko. Titiisin mo 'ko! Kung ganoon na rin naman pala, huwag na lang
tayong magkaroon ng relationship!"
He rose and this time the fire in his eyes was very violent. Napatutop ako sa bibig
at tumigil na sa mga sinabi.
"Sige. Kung hihiwalayan mo ako, hindi na ako babalik dito," walang awa niyang
banta.
Mas lalo akong umiyak.
"Kaya mo naman pala 'yan, e. E 'di huwag ka nang bumalik. 'Yan naman ang gusto mo,
'di ba? Mas pipiliin mo naman 'yan?"
Pumikit siya ng mariin. Kitang kita ko ang pagdaan ng sakit sa kanyang mukha bago
dumilat. His bloodshot eyes were weary now.
"Please, Jax. Oo na... Type na kita. Guwapong guwapo nga ako sa'yo. Inaamin ko na.
Gusto kita. Gustong-gusto..." malungkot kong sinabi.
Hiyang-hiya ako sa mga sinabi ko. Uminit ang pisngi ko at mas lalo lang yumuko.
"I have never ever confessed my whole life. I'm risking the embarrassment just so
you won't go and leave me."
"Baby, I won't leave you. Babalikan kita lagi. We'll communicate always, I
promise."
Hindi na ako nagsalita. Kahit pala anong pagmamakaawa ko, walang mangyayari. He
would still push what he wants.
"Amber, mayaman kayo. Mahirap lang kami. Kailangan kong magtrabaho para kapag
magpapakasal tayong dalawa, mabibigay ko sa'yo ang lahat lahat ng gusto mo."
"Hindi ko kailangan ng materyal na bagay o pera!"
"Tss. You say that now because you are still very young and you grew up rich. You
don't know what it's like for people like us who needs hardwork to earn."
Bigong-bigo ako. I know I should let him go even though it's hurting me a lot.
Lumalabo para sa akin ang kasiyahan sa mga susunod na araw at hindi ko kayang
isipin na taon pa ang bibilangin bago ako makawala sa probinsyang ito at sumunod sa
kanya roon.
"I intend to keep you. Para magawa ko 'yan, kailangan kong magtrabaho ng mabuti.
Huwag mo nang isipin ang kahit anong magpapasira sa ating dalawa. My only goal now
is to keep you. Lahat ng gagawin ko, sisiguraduhin kong para sa'yo. Para sa
kinabukasan nating dalawa."
Tumango na lang ako. Hindi nagbabago ang isip ko pero nakikita kong nahihirapan na
siya sa akin. Nahihirapan na siyang ipaliwanag sa akin. Mas lalo lang siyang
mahihirapan kapag isatinig ko pa lalo na hinding hindi ko siya maiintindihan. No
matter how he tries to simplify his words, I'd never understand. Ever.
He wiped my tears again with his thumb.
"You should do the same. Study hard. Tutulungan pa rin kita sa assignments mo araw-
araw."
Tumango na lang ulit ako. Hindi pa rin siya matingnan.
"Really? Are you studying hard? Lumiban ka nga sa klase ngayon, e..." he said
lightly while pinching my cheek tenderly.
Kumunot ang noo ko at iniwas ko ang mukha ko sa kanyang kamay.
"Pagkalapag ko ng Manila, tatawag ako. Hindi ko titigilan 'yang cellphone mo kung
'di mo ako sasagutin."
Hindi pa rin ako tumingin sa kanya. He's trying to lighten up the mood. It's
working but whenever I think about all of it, I'm still all sad.
"Kapag 'di mo pa rin sasagutin ang tawag ko, humanda ka sa akin pag nakauwi ako
sa'yo..." he whispered slowly.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Nag-angat ako ng tingin. He still looks weary but a small
evil smile played on his lips.
"Ikaw ang humanda sa akin kapag hindi ka umuwi..." I said softly.
"Bakit? Anong gagawin mo sa akin?" he smiled evilly.
Ngumuso lang ako at nag-iwas ulit ng tingin. My heart hurts so much. He kissed me
slowly for a few moments. I tried to tear our kiss apart but he refused. Hinabol
niya ang labi ko at mas lalo akong hinalikan sa paraang alam niyang hindi ako
makatatanggi.
He then stopped when I was already too crazy for his kisses. It's so unfair! Kung
kailan ako nababaliw sa kanyang halik, 'tsaka naman niya ititigil para ngumiti,
huminga, at mang-asar.
"Akin lang ang mga halik mo. Huwag kang pahahalik kahit kanino habang wala ako.
Kung hindi, hindi na ulit kita hahalikan," he warned playfully again.
"Hindi naman talaga. Ikaw rin..." mahinahon kong sinabi.
"Ang dali lang..." mayabang siyang ngumisi.
I glared at him. I know his reputation and I can't lie to myself. I doubt it. I
doubt everything. Kaya nga hirap na hirap ako. Para akong naglalakad sa dilim ng
nakapiring. Walang makikita at walang alam kung anong meron sa paligid o sa
pupuntahan pero nagpapatuloy pa rin.
"Huwag mo akong nilolokong ganito."
"Hindi kita niloloko. Madali lang kasi ikaw lang naman ang pinananabikan kong
halikan. Kaya hindi ako maeengganyong humalik sa ibang babae."
Napahawak ako sa braso niya. Hindi kasi namin namamalayan na nagkakalapit kami lalo
habang nagkakausap. He looked at my hand on his arm. Namumungay ang mga mata ko
nang magkatinginan kami.
"Ako lang din ang hahawakan mo," dagdag niya pagkatapos ng ilang sandaling
katahimikan.
Hindi na ako nagsalita. Mas lalo akong nalulungkot dahil sa mga sinasabi niya. Mas
lalo ko siyang nami-miss kahit na nasa harap ko palang naman siya. Wala nang mang-
aasar ng ganito sa akin. Wala na... My life will be so boring. It will be all a
waste.
"Hindi ako kailanman nagselos pero pagdating sa'yo... seloso ako," he said in a
serious tone.
"Ikaw lang naman talaga..." mahina kong sinabi.
"Good..." he whispered and gave me another kiss.
Mahinahon na ako nang bumalik kami sa kanila. Naghihintay si Tito Achilles doon sa
pinag-iwanan namin sa kanya at nang nakita kami, parang nabuhayan siya ng loob. I
know he also probably want his son to leave and go pursue his dreams. Kinabahan
siguro siya na kaya kong pigilan si Jaxon sa gagawin. Ang totoo naman, kahit na
sinabi niyang mahal niya ako, wala pa rin akong magagawa kung iyon talaga ang gusto
niya.
"Anong nangyari?" medyo tensyunadong tanong ni Tito Achilles kay Jaxon.
"May problema lang po kami ni Amber, Papa. Ayos na kami."
Nagtagal ang mariin at galit na titig ni Tito Achilles kay Jaxon bago bumaling sa
akin sa ibang ekspresyon naman. He looked at me tenderly. I then wonder what did he
do to my Mom at bakit ganoon na lamang ang galit ni Mommy sa kanya? Marry someone
else, of course. But then he probably made my mother hope. Hindi naman siguro
magagalit si Mommy ng walang dahilan.
"Ayos ka lang ba, Amber? Anong nangyari?"
"Ayos lang po..." namamaos kong sinabi.
"Sigurado ka?" he probed more.
"Papa, ilalagay ko na ang natitirang gamit ko sa sasakyan," si Jaxon.
Nagkatinginan ulit silang dalawa. Something about his father's look told me that
they are communicating without saying anything. Si Jaxon ang naunang bumitiw nang
naglakad na siya papasok sa bahay para kunin ang kung ano mang natitirang gamit na
tinutukoy niya.
"Pasensya na po sa abala. Baka po... ako pa ang dahilan na ma late si Jaxon sa
flight niya. Sorry po," banayad kong sinabi.
"Hindi mo kasalanan. Nag-alala lang ako sa inyo. Kung... ano man ang problema ninyo
kanina, sana naayos at napag-usapan ninyong mabuti. At kung hindi naman, e, puwede
namang kahit sa Sabado na siya tumuloy."
I saw Jaxon effortlessly carry a duffel bag. Nilagay niya sa backseat ng pick up na
nakapark ngayon sa harap ng bahay nila.
"Okay na po kami. Pasensya na po talaga," yumuko ako.
Medyo nahihiya ako na alam niya kung ano ang opinyon ko sa pag-alis ni Jaxon. I
know he also wants the best for his son. He probably thinks I'm a sore to Jaxon's
success. It hurt me more. Mahal ko lang naman siya at simple lang ang gusto ko sa
buhay.
Jaxon gave me a final brief kiss before heading towards the pick up truck. Binilin
niya sa akin na huwag na ulit akong lumiban sa klase at itext ko na si Kuya Lando
na kunin ako rito. Tumango lang ako. Pinagawa niya ang huli bago niya ako iniwan
doon.
Nang sumakay na siya roon, bumuhos nang muli ang mga luha ko. I saw him look at me
through the mirror. I cried more. Lalo na noong umandar na paalis ang pick up.
Tumakbo ako sa likod nito. I cried so hard and at some moments, I thought the truck
would pull over and he'd turn around. He didn't.
Dumating na lang ang aming SUV at nawala na sa paningin ko ang sasakyang umalis,
umiiyak pa rin ako sa sobrang sakit at pighati.
Umuwi ako at sinabi kay Mommy na may sakit. She was so worried that she immediately
called a doctor to check on me.
"Pahinga lang siguro, Mrs. Sevilla. Mukhang stressed si Amber," sabi ng doktor.
Pumikit ako at nagkunwaring natutulog habang nag-uusap ang doktor at si Mommy sa
aking silid. Sa huli, iniwan nila ako roon sa pag-aakalang tuluyan nang nakatulog
kahit na nagpatuloy naman talaga ako sa pag-iyak.
I only stopped when I heard my phone ring for Jax's call. Hindi ko kayang
magkunwaring masaya para sa kanya.
"I'm glad you landed safely," I said sincerely but with a hint of self-pity.
"Huwag ka nang malungkot. I'll get sick here if you're always sad everytime I
call."
I smiled. "Susubukan ko."
The days were very painful. Tingin ko, nalalagpasan ko lang iyon dahil pinasok ko
sa isip ko na nasa kanilang bahay pa rin naman siya. Na hindi lang kami nagkikita
dahil may pasok ako. Hindi siya nagkulang sa pag tawag kaya parang ganoon nga.
Except that during the weekends, I feel his absence so much.
Pumunta kami kina Evelyn at napadaan ako sa kanila. Wala siya roon. That's when I
realize that he really is gone. It made me so sad. Kaya tahimik lang ako sa grupo
kahit na gusto ko sanang kausapin si Briggs para kahit paano, may interaksyon naman
ako.
"Wala na si Sir Jax sa kanila, 'di ba, Evelyn?" si Roda pagkatapos lingunin ang
bahay ng mga Riego sa 'di kalayuan.
Nasa terasa kami ng bahay nila ngayon gumagawa ng visual aids sa report para sa
Lunes. Tahimik akong nagsusulat nang itanong iyon ni Roda.
"Oo. Kinuha ng malaking kompanya sa Manila. Malaki ata sweldo at pahirapan pa sa
kompanyang 'yon kaya sinunggaban na."
Nilingon ako ni Briggs. I smiled wearily at him. He didn't return the smile. Parang
takot pa nga siyang bumaling sa tinatrabaho.
"Siya lang ang nakuha?" si Arnold.
"Oo pero sinusubukan din ng iba na pumasok doon. Maganda kasi talaga roon. Narinig
ko nga nakapasa sa second interview si Rowena kaya mukhang mas lalong posible na
makukuha na rin siya gaya ni Jaxon."
"Oh? E 'di magkakasama na sila dun?"
Dagdag pa iyon sa alalahanin ko. Minsan tuloy, nalulungkot akong isipin na habang
masaya siya sa nangyayari sa kanyang career doon, nagdurusa ako rito. I feel bad
that I'm not happy for him. Truth is, I am happy for his successes. It's just
that... I miss him.
"Congrats. Ilang araw ka pa lang, nakikita kong gusto ka na ng head n'yo," sabi ko
nang nasabi niyang sinama siya sa Batangas, kung nasaan ang planta noong
pinapasukan niya. He has impressed his bosses in a very short amount of time that
he got an exclusive tour on their refinery.
"Uuwi ako pagka off ko pagkatapos ng suweldo, okay?" sabi niya nang naramdaman ang
kalungkutan ko.
"Okay."
Days went by. It was a bad thing that his boss liked him. Maraming ibinigay sa
kanyang trabaho at hindi siya kailanman aatras kaya iyon ang pinagtuonan niya ng
pansin. There are days were he fails to call me, days where he's tired... days when
I am.
"Amber, pahatid nito sa faculty, please..." si Sir Ruben pagkatapos ng klase namin
sa Organic Chemistry.
Tumango ako at kinuha ang mga papel ng kaklase. Nagsisilabasan na ang lahat para
umuwi. Iyon na ang huli naming klase sa araw na iyon. Matamlay akong naglakad
palabas. Iniisip na lang ang pag-uwi.
Siguro mag oovertime na naman si Jaxon. Tatawagan ako mamayang alas onse. Matulog
na lang kaya ako ng maaga at gumising na lang sa oras na iyon para makausap ko na
talaga siya?
I sighed.
Hindi ko pa nasasabi sa kanya na uuwi ako ng Manila. I wonder if we can see each
other if I did. Or masyado talaga siyang busy na kahit isang oras lang na
pagkikita, hindi namin magagawa?
Lumiko ako sa faculty room para ilagay na sa lamesa ni Sir Ruben ang mga papel.
Nagulat ako nang may kumpulan ng mga teacher sa malapit. Tawanan ang unang narinig
ko.
"Opo, Ma'am! Grabe!" narinig kong sinabi ng kung sino ang nasa gitna nila.
"You made me so proud, hija. Paki sabi na rin kay Jaxon, ha?"
At the mention of the name, napabaling ako. Nakarating na ako sa lamesa ni Sir pero
hindi ko malapag-lapag ang dala dahil sa narinig. Then I saw who they are all
talking to. Rowena is in the middle of the little circle the teachers formed. Tila
ba may interesanteng kuwento ito na nilapitan ng lahat para pakinggan.
"Akala ko talaga 'di ako makakapasok. Kaya heto... inaayos na ang mga papel. Buti
'di ako nahuli sa registrar!" she laughed.
"Oo nga. Bukas ba agad ang punta mong Manila?" a teacher asked.
"Opo," si Rowena at nahagip ako ng tingin niya.
Sa kahihiyan sa pakikinig, nagpatuloy na lang ako sa ginagawa at tinalikuran na
sila para makalabas na. But before I could leave, I heard her say some things.
"Tuwang tuwa nga si Jaxon nang nalaman na nakapasok ako! Excited siya! Mas lalo
naman ako para sa kanya. Ikaw ba naman offer-an ng scholarship sa ibang bansa
habang nagtatrabaho rin doon, 'di ba? Iyon naman ang inaayos ko ngayon para
makasama rin sa kanya kung sakali."
What?
Nakalabas na ako bago ko pa lang narinig ang buong istorya kay Rowena! Para akong
nakalutang sa sakit habang naglalakad palabas ng school.
He got a scholarship offer abroad? Kailan pa? At kailan niya sasabihin iyon?
Mamaya? O hindi na? Hindi na kami masyadong nakakapag-usap dahil busy siya. Hindi
kaya busy siya pero ang totoo gusto niya lang putulin na ang communication namin
habang maaga para kung totoo nga iyon, wala na siyang aalalahanin pa?
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I entered our SUV.
Mas mahalaga sa kanya ang karera niya kaya hindi na ako magtataka pa kung ganoon
nga ang gawin niya. Bakit hindi niya na lang ako diretsuhin?
Nagbago ang isip niya simula noong nasa Manila siya! Matatanggap ko naman iyon kung
sakali. Is he scared that I won't get him away with it? E 'di iwan niya ako. As if
it isn't easy anymore! It wa so easy for him to leave me here. Ngayon pa ba siya
susuko?
At ano iyong sinabi ni Rowena? Magsama sila roon! Sinasabi ko na nga ba! bakit ko
binalewala ang instincts ko?
I purposely didn't answer his call that day. I cried the whole night until I got
tired and slept. Sa sumunod na araw, kumalma na ako pero nanatili ang kaisipan. I
no longer have any hope left for whatever it is.
Ako:
Pasensya na kagabi. Pagod ako kaya nakatulog.
Jaxon:
I'll call early later. After dinner. Is it okay?
Ako:
Okay.
I wonder if he'll tell me about it later. Pagbibigyan ko siya mamaya. Pipilitin ko
ang sarili kong umayos kahit na ang sakit-sakit na.
So when he called, I answered him diligently. I tried to sound cheerful but I guess
I just couldn't hide it.
"How are you? I miss you..."
Kung miss mo talaga ako, hindi mo na sana ginawa pa 'to. Kung mahal mo talaga ako,
sana ako ang pinili mo.
"Okay lang ako. Ikaw?"
"Fine, too. How's school? Assignment?" he said it lightly.
"Wala naman. Naiintindihan ko naman 'yong explanations ni Sir Ruben sa chem."
"Okay. Sigurado ka? Patingin ng assignments mo? Videocall tayo."
"Ayos lang, huwag na. Nagpatay na kasi ako ng ilaw. Ikaw? How's work?"
He sighed. "I want to talk only about you. Ayokong trabaho ko ang pag-uusapan
natin, Amber. Mas kuryoso ako sa lahat ng nangyayari sa'yo riyan."
"Wala naman kasing nangyayari. School at uwi lang. Iyon lang naman," sabi ko.
"Pumunta ka raw kina Evelyn noong weekend? Nasabi ni Papa."
"Oo. Medyo madalas kami. Mahirap kasi iyong isang major subject 'tsaka puro
reporting."
"Anong mahirap doon? Baka alam ko. May I see which is difficult for you?"
He tried to convince me to videocall. I told him that we have a smart groupmate so
we will be fine. Gusto niya pa ring icheck kung talagang tama ba. We ended the call
when we went an hour without him telling me about Rowena's status in the company or
the scholarship he got.
I realized then... hindi niya sasabihin sa akin. Hahayaan niya na lang siguro na
tuluyan na akong bumitiw sa kanya.
Because the following days, he'd always go to the plant. He was always busy. He
couldn't even reply to my texts. Kaya hindi na rin ako umasa pa. I slowly gave up.
I let everything go. And as time goes by it is reflected on our calls.
Wala akong mapagsabihan. I couldn't break Phillie's excitement for my come back or
her flourishing lovelife. Ayokong magkalat ng malungkot na kuwento dahil lang
malungkot ako. It's eating me alive day by day until I snapped one night on the
dining table while Kael, Mommy, and I were eating our dinner.
"Nakausap ko na ang school mo at pumayag naman sila. Of course, dapat lang. All the
new facilities and that building behind the Education building is from me..." Mommy
blurted out.
Nakatitig lang ako sa pagkain, nilalaro iyon. Jaxon will call me later and I am
already determine to finally confront him about it. Hindi lang kasi kay Rowena ko
narinig iyon. Naririnig ko na rin sa ibang teachers na proud sa na achieve niya.
"Your friends are excited sa pagbabalik mo... may gusto ka bang regalo para sa
birthday mo, darling?"
Nagkatinginan kami ni Mommy.
"Wala po. Mommy... may tanong po ako," sabi ko.
"Ano 'yon?" she asked, very attentive.
"Nagkaroon ka po ba ng first love noon?"
Nagulat si Mommy sa tanong ko. Napasulyap siya kay Kael bago balik ulit sa akin.
Napakurap-kurap siya at natawa.
"Hija... what a question!"
I smiled. "I'm just wondering why young loves fall apart. Why there's such a thing
as first love? Why isn't it the last... or the only..."
Alam kong nagkaboyfriend na ako. Harper was my first boyfriend and I thought I
loved him until I met Jaxon. Ayokong i discredit kung ano man iyong nangyari sa
amin ni Harper pero bakit hindi iyon ganito ka tindi? Bakit tingin ko... itong kay
Jax lang ang may karapatang tawaging ganoon?
"Hija, is this about Harper?" Mommy asked in a concern and sad tone.
Ngumiwi lang ako. I hope so. I hope it was Harper. Maybe he'd be easier to handle
than... Jaxon Riego.
"W-Well... Yes, I have a first love," sabi ni Mommy.
Nag-angat ako ng tingin. I wonder if it is Tito Achilles.
"It's called first love, hija, dahil diyan ka matututo kung paano talaga magmahal
ng tama. That love will teach you so many essential things about loving and
preserving your self."
"Like what?" mahinahon kong tanong.
Napakurap-kurap ulit si Mommy. KItang-kita ko na hindi siya kumportable at medyo
naguguluhan siya sa tanong ko. She looked at me with misery in her eyes. I looked
at her with the same.
"That loving right isn't pouring your whole self to the other person. Loving right
is loving a person with self preservation. Kasi, hija, sa unang pag-ibig, hindi mo
alam paano magmahal. You will attack it whole heartedly that you'll forget how to
love yourself. Kaya pagkatapos ng unang pag-ibig, you will come out of it a
different person. Kasi masasaktan ka dahil hindi ka nagtira ng para sa sarili mo.
The pain will change you."
"So why can't you love that same person again in the right love you are talking
about?"
Ngumiti si Mommy. I can feel the warmth of her smile.
"Dahil ang unang pag-ibig, hija, nagtuturo lang. They are not meant to stay. They
are meant only to teach you a lesson you will only appreciate when you get older
and wiser."
Tumango ako. Hindi ko alam na posibleng gumaan ang pakiramdam na nakausap ko si
Mommy ng ganito. Even without mentioning anyone's name.
"Do you ever get over your first love?"
Napawi ang ngiti niya. Napalitan iyon ng malungkot na titig sa akin. Hindi ko alam
kung sa akin ba siya nalulungkot o sa ibang bagay.
"How do you get over it?" I asked.
"There are things in life you'll never get over," she said silently. "Because if
you did, you'll forget the lesson." She smiled.
I stared at the most beautiful life model in front of me. Kahit anong sabihin ng
ibang tao, Kahit anong pagkukulang niya sa akin, mahal na mahal ko si Mommy. And I
will always appreciate the way she raised me. Even with all the flaws.
Pagkapasok ko sa kuwarto, buo na ang desisyon ko. My mother's words were etched on
my mind that I felt numb. If Jaxon is only here to teach me things, then I would
gladly learn the lessons.
I called him. Sinagot niya kaagad at naririnig kong nasa opisina pa siya. I wanted
to stop the call and wait until he's home but I don't want to lose the
determination my Mommy gave me.
"Amber..." he said from a laugh.
"Pu-Puwede ba kitang makausap?"
"Hmm. Oo. But if you can only wait, uuwi na rin naman ako."
"Gusto ko na ngayon, Jax," mahinahon kong sinabi.
Hindi ko inakala na kaya ko 'tong sabihin nang hindi umiiyak at nasasaktan. The
numbness I'm feeling in my heart was so strong that all the words I wanted to say
came out naturally.
"Okay. What's the matter?"
"May itatanong lang sana ako sa'yo."
"Uh-huh," he said, cautiously.
"Narinig ko kasi na may scholarship ka raw na offer para sa ibang bansa. Totoo ba
'yon?" tanong ko.
He didn't say anything. Nanatili siyang tahimik kaya inunahan ko na siya.
"It's okay. I understand that your career is important to you. It's your top
priority right now."
"I won't take it. Hindi ko na sinabi sa'yo kasi hindi ko rin naman tatanggapin."
Kumalabog ang puso ko sa sinabi niya. Pero mas lalo lang akong nasaktan doon.
"Bakit? Dahil ba sa akin, Jax? Kasi... ayokong maghiwalay tayo?"
"Ayokong maghiwalay tayo," he said clearly.
I smiled sadly. Buong buo na ang loob ko.
"Hiwalay na rin naman tayo ngayon, e. What's the difference? The only difference I
see is you'd get a better opportunity if you get the scholarship. You should get
it. Huwag mo na akong alalahanin. Pareho na naman tayong nasasanay na ganito ang
sitwasyon..."
"What?" he said harshly but I continued.
"Alam kong masaya kang nakapasok si Rowena sa kompanya. Your next goal is to get
that, right? You should go for-"
"Ano? Amber, Rowena is still on for the final interview!" he cut me off.
"Well," I sighed. "Sa totoo lang. Nahihirapan na akong umasa sa'yo. I think it's
better if I don't hope at all. I don't expect anything at all. Mas madali ang buhay
ko kung ganoon-"
"Amber, please... Calm down. Hindi ka puwedeng magsalita ng ganito sa tawag lang.
Don't decide when you are mad."
"I am not angry. I am tired, Jaxon!" giit ko. "I realized that I am not made for
long distance relationship! I will only pull you down. I will only make you sad.
You will only make me miserable. Kaya mabuti pa, tumigil na lang tayong dalawa."
Hindi siya nagsalita na.
"Let's stop trying to make this work when it's clearly failing. I tried kahit na
masakit sa akin, sinubukan ko pa rin. I know you know that I really tried but I
think some people are just not meant for things like this. Isa ako roon. I will
never understand how much this means to you and I don't want you hurt just because
of that. Kaya mag break na lang tayo para magawa mo na ang gusto mo at mapayapa na
rin ang utak ko."
Suminghap ako. Hindi pa rin siya nagsasalita pero naririnig ko ang paghinga niya
kaya alam kong nakikinig pa siya.
"I am not deciding this while I am mad. I am completely fine. I am not crying, see?
Pinag-isipan ko na ito ng mabuti sa nagdaang araw. Ito ang nakikita kong tanging
sulusyon. So you could grow without a problem that will only pull you down."

[ 16 Kabanata14 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 14
Ready
"Sorry, Jax. This is the only solution I have. I hope you understand."
Para akong nangapa sa dilim nang tinapos ko iyong usapan namin ng wala man lang
narinig sa kanyang kahit ano. He was silent the whole time and it scared me. It
scared me that it might really be the end. Hindi naman kasi siya ganoon. Lagi
niyang pinaglalaban at pinipilit kaming dalawa kahit na ano ang sabihin ko.
It then made me wonder if I really did understand my own decision. Bakit sobrang
sakit isipin na natanto niya ring dapat na nga kaming maghiwalay? Na tinanggap niya
na lang ang desisyon ko ng ganun lang. He didn't stop me or questio me. He just let
me be.
I cried bitterly the whole night. There were times when I wanted so bad to call him
again but I stopped myself. Ang nararamdaman kong ito ay sobra-sobra na. Ito nga
ang tinukoy ni Mommy na pag-ibig na hindi tama. Iyong inaatake mo ng buong-buo na
hindi mo na kayang magtira pa ng para sa sarili mo. And maybe she's right that
loves like this are not meant to stay, because if it did you will never find
yourself again.
Nakakatakot iyon.
I wonder if the fear I'm feeling whenever Jaxon's around is the same fear I'm
feeling right now. The fear of losing myself.
Tiniis ko ang mga nagdaang araw. At kahit pa anong aliw ko sa sarili ko na malapit
na rin naman akong magbakasyon sa Manila, hindi ko magawa.
"Huwag ka na masyadong malungkot," si Phillie isang gabing katawagan ko siya.
Nagulat ako roon. We didn't even videocall but she realized that I'm a bit sad.
"Kahit w-wala kang party, at least uuwi ka. Iyon naman ang importante, 'di ba?"
"Y-Yeah. Yeah, right," sabi ko dahil kanina pa niya paulit-ulit na sinabi iyon.
Hindi naman talaga iyong party ang iniisip ko, e. Sa totoo lang kanina pa
naglalakbay ang isipan ko. It's been days now since I broke up with Jaxon. Hindi
niya na ulit ako tinext o tinawagan. Ganoon din ako sa kanya. Pero heto pa rin ako,
laman ng isipan siya kahit na bukas na ang birthday at uwi ko. Gabi pa raw dahil
may aasikasuhin pa si Mommy pagkahapon.
Walang plano para sa birthday ko. Kahit dinner, mukhang walang plano si Mommy. Okay
lang iyon sa akin. I don't feel like celebrating anyway.
"Bukas ba mag-aantay ka na lang sa pag-alis n'yo?" tanong ni Phillie.
"Hindi, e. Tutulong ako sa paggawa ng report bukas lalo na dahil wala ako next
week. Baka magalit ang kagrupo ko kung hindi ako tumulong bukas dahil lang wala
naman ako sa mga araw na iyon."
"Ganun? Though ayos lang 'yan. Huwag ka na lang magpapagod kasi birthday mo 'yon!"
Kumunot ang noo ko. Alam ni Phillie na walang celebration sa birthday ko. Nagkibit
na lang ako ng balikat.
"Ayos lang. Siguro pagkauwi namin, gabi na nun kaya baka magpapahinga na lang kami
sa bahay, kung sakali."
"H-Ha? Naku! Basta... Huwag kang magpapagod. Mahirap na. Kahit na hindi ka naman
magcecelebrate ng party, birthday mo pa rin 'yon! Eighteenth birthday!" she said it
like something is very important that day.
Hinayaan ko na lang si Phillie. I think she is more excited than me. Ako kasi
talaga, walang nararamdamang kahit ano para sa birthday ko ngayon. Hindi dahil
walang celebration, kundi dahil talagang malungkot ako.
Mommy wasn't with me during breakfast that Saturday morning. It was so weird
because she usually eats breakfast with me, gaano man siya ka busy. Pero inisip
ko... baka dahil aalis kami mamaya, dumoble ang pagkabusy niya. Kahit na birthday
ko ngayon, magkikita naman kami mamaya kaya uunahin niya muna ang trabaho.
The first greetings I received were from my friends, and then from Daddy who
called. Nasa Manila na siya, naghihintay sa amin. He was so cheery when he talked
to me that I felt bad for being too sad. Pinilit ko na lang maging masaya rin para
hindi niya gaanong mahalata.
"Don't be sad, darling..." he consoled me when he heard how weark I sounded.
"I'm not, Daddy," pilit kong pasiyahin ang boses ko.
Huminga siya ng malalim. "Ayaw ko sanang sabihin 'to sa'yo. Your Mommy worked so
hard for it but I can see that you're sad on your birthday so..."
"Dad, I'm not sad, okay? Ayos lang po ako."
"I just want you to know that we didn't forget, Amber. We have sa surprise for you
kaya huwag ka nang malungkot."
"Daddy, ayos lang ako. Kahit na wala na po para sa birthday ko. Please, don't be
pressured just because you think I'm not happy. Sapat na po sa akin na makasama
kayo ni Mommy mamayang gabi. Your embrace later is enough for me."
Dad chuckled. I smiled genuinely at that. Hindi na rin ako nagtagal sa tawag dahil
kinailangan ko nang pumunta kina Evelyn para sa report namin. Walang may alam sa
mga kaklase ko ng birthday ko. Wala rin kahit sa ka Dance group ko. Nagdala na lang
ako ng pagkain galing sa restaurant para sa grupo. Mas marami iyon kesa sa madalas
kong dala. Pero hindi ko na sasabihin kung bakit ganun ka rami ang dala ko. Though
when I got there and showed it all to them, I don't think they care that I brought
more than usual, anyway.
"Ang sarap talaga nitong Strawberry shortcake ng hotel n'yo, Amber! Eto paborito
kong dinadala mo lagi!" si Roda.
I smiled. "Magaling 'yong nasa kitchen ng restaurant."
"Nay! Sali po kayo rito. Kain po tayo!" tawag ni Evelyn sa Nanay niya na nagtawag
din ng iilan pang kaibigan.
Pinagsaluhan ng lahat ang pagkain na dala ko. I brought two kinds of pasta, roast
beef, chicken, and two kinds of seafood. Bukod pa roon, nagdala rin ako ng tatlong
klaseng cake at iilan pang panghimagas.
"Doon mo na lang gawin 'yan, Amber, kasi baka matapunan 'yan dito," si Evelyn na
tinuturo ang upuang kawayan sa tapat ng TV nila.
Patapos na ako sa ginagawa kaya naman naisipan nilang kumain na. Tapos na rin si
Arnold sa pagtulong niya kaya napakain na rin siya kasama nila. Pumasok ang iilan
pang kamag-anak at kapitbahay nina Evelyn kaya mas lalo akong nawalan ng lugar para
tapusin iyong report.
"Dito oh," sabay pakita ni Briggs sa maliit na mesa.
"Salamat," I said and tried to make that small table as a workplace to finish a
paper for the report.
Natapos ko naman, hindi kalaunan. Tawanan at hagikhikan ang bumuhay sa bahay nina
Evelyn. Iyon nga lang, hindi ko alam kung ano ang pinag-uusapan. Pinilit kong
intindihan pero hindi na ako makasunod. Dumami pa lalo ang mga tao at sumikip na
roon kaya minabuti kong lumabas na lang muna saglit.
The balcony of their house were full, too. Nag-uusap ang mga kapit-bahay na
naimbita at nagtatawanan kaya nilubos ko na lang ang paglabas at naglakad-lakad na
lang patungo sa natatanaw na dalampasigan.
I stopped when I saw the calm blue waters crashing on the shore. Naririnig ko pa
rito ang tawanan galing sa bahay nina Evelyn. Naglakad pa ako ng konti para
makalapit sa dagat pero bago ko nagawa iyon, natigil ako sa tinig.
"Hindi ka kumain?" I heard Briggs in a very hesitant tone.
Nilingon ko siya. He swallowed hard when our eyes met. I smiled at him.
"Kumain na ako sa bahay bago pumunta rito," sagot ko.
"Kung ganoon, ba't ka pa nagdala ng maraming pagkain?" he asked now showing signs
of comfort.
Hindi ako nagsalita. Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad palapit lalo sa dagat. For all
the months that I've been here, I have never tried to swim to the sea. It never
crossed my mind. Kahit pa sa iilang pagkakataong nanatili akong nakatanaw sa dagat,
hindi ako kailanman nahumaling. Ngayon ko lang napahalagahan iyon nang nagsilbi
iyong katahimikan sa lahat ng ingay sa loob.
"Wala ka next week, 'di ba? Bakasyon n'yo na para sa Pasko?" Briggs raised his
voice a bit so it would reach me.
Hindi pa rin ako sumagot. Nanatili ang titig ko sa dulo ng mga along nag-uunahang
abutin ang buhangin. Nramdaman ko ang paglapit ni Briggs sa likod. Huminga ako ng
malalim at nilingon siya.
"I just wanna say I'm sorry, Amber. Sa nangyari noon," sabi niya na ikinabigla ko.
Kitang-kita ko sa itsura niya ang pag-aalinlangan at bahagyang takot. Itinawa ko na
lang ang pagkabigla ko. Napakurap-kurap siya sa reaksyon ko.
"Naging mabait ka sa akin kahit na hindi dapat. Nanatiling maayos ang tungo mo sa
akin kahit ganoon ang nangyari-"
"Bakit? Ano ba dapat ang tungo ko sa'yo, Briggs?"
Nagulat din siya sa sinabi ko. I smiled reassuringly at him.
"I know and understand now why people in this town are acting this way. It's
because of my mother, right? Kaya ka rin umiiwas sa akin dahil ganoon kaya
naiintindihan ko-"
"Hindi, Amber. Hindi mo naiintindihan," giit niya.
Natahimik ako dahil kitang-kita ko sa kanya na marami siyang gustong sabihin.
Hinayaan ko siya.
"Akala ng lahat kagaya ka ng nanay mo... o ng pinsan mo."
"Snow?" Kunot-noo kong tanong pero nabalewala iyon nang nagpatuloy siya.
"Kamukha mo sila at pareho rin ng kilos kaya inisip ng lahat, ganoon ka nga. Hindi
ka na nabigyan ng pagkakataon. Ngayon na nagkasama tayo at tahimik kitang
pinapanood, alam kong ibang-iba ka sa kanila," he said. "Nagsisisi ako sa lahat ng
ginawa ko sa'yo at sa lahat ng gusto ko sanang gawin."
Mas lalo lang akong nalito. Buong-buo na ang tingin at atensyon ko sa kanya ngayon.
"Sinubukan kitang gawan ng masama dahil lang sa akala kong ganoon ka rin!" he said
panicking.
Hinawakan ko ang braso ni Briggs. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang sinabi niya
pero alam kong nahihirapan na siyang ipaliwanag kaya pinigilan ko na.
"Hindi ko alam kung ano talaga ang nagawa ni Mommy sa inyo pero alam kong hindi
n'yo puwedeng ibuhos sa akin ang galit n'yo sa kanya. And besides, I am not the
same person as my mother. Gusto kong isatinig 'yan sa lahat pero alam kong sarado
na ang pag-iisip ninyo kaya hindi na rin ako nagsikap pa. Thank you for knowing it
now. I appreciate that you have given me a chance," marahan kong sinabi.
"Kaya ako humihingi ng tawad, Amber. Huwag kang mag-alala, isa ako sa magtatanggol
sa'yo kung sakaling may mag-iisip man ng masama o mali-"
Pareho kaming natigil nang padarag na dumaong ang isang bangka hindi kalayuan sa
harap namin. Napaatras kaming dalawa sa takot na maabutan niyon kahit na may
kalayuan naman. Babaling sana ulit ako kay Briggs kung hindi ko lang nakita kung
sino ang sakay ng bangka.
Dark gray eyes punctured me. My breathing hitched most especially when I saw his
jaw tighten as his eyes move from me towards my hand and then to Briggs.
Unconsciously, I felt guilty. Mabilis kong binaba ang kamay kong hawak pa rin pala
ang braso ni Briggs. Nagtaas ng kilay si Jaxon at muling bumaling sa akin gamit ang
matang nanunuri.
"J-Jaxon. Uh..." si Briggs sa mas lalong may takot na boses.
Nakita ko ang pagpilit ni Jaxon na balingan si Briggs galing sa akin. My heart
jumped so loud that I can feel it literally moving up and down on my chest. Dahil
doon, kinakapos ako sa hininga. My knees trembled slightly and my spine tingled.
"Nag-uusap lang kami ni Amber. Nagpapahangin na rin... I-Ikaw pala."
Hindi ako makapagsalita. Kahit noong nilingon ako ni Briggs at halatang gustong
magpatulong mag explain, pero hindi ko nagawa. Masyadong narami ang naghahari sa
isipan ko ngayon na hindi ko na masundan ang iba pang sinabi ni Briggs.
"Ako nga," Jaxon said in a very cold way.
My head is filled with happiness at the sight of him. I know we already broke up
but seeing him materialize in front of me made me forget about it. Hindi rin ako
nagalit. Maaaring nagtampo na pinili niya ang ibang bagay kesa sa akin pero
nangibabaw ang kagalakan kong nakita siya. My heart is melting until I heard Briggs
say goodbye.
"Pasensya ka na, Amber. Mauna na ako..." he said as he ran away behind me.
I wanted to say goodbye, too, but no words came out of my mouth. Nilingon ko si
Jaxon. Standing proudly on his boat wearing black shorts and white shirt, he looked
pissed at me or something. Nagtaas siya ng isang kilay.
"That's why you broke up with me, huh? Tss," he said lethally before turning around
and started the engine of his boat.
The boat moved a bit. Hindi ako nakagalaw agad sa gulat sa narinig galing sa kanya.
Hindi pa ako nakakaahon sa pagkakamanghang nandito nga siya, iyon pa ang narinig
ko.
"What?" I said as I move towards the shore.
Unti-unting lumalayo ang bangka. Nakatalikod na siya kanina at nang nagsalita ako,
bumaling ulit. That same menacing and pissed expression is etched on his face. It
took me a while to realize that he concluded something just because of that!
"Anong ibig mong sabihin sa sinabi mo? Magkaibigan lang kami ni Briggs!" sabi ko
habang tumatakbo ng konti dahil umaalis na naman iyong bangka.
Akala ko tuluyan na itong aalis. Nanatili ito malapit sa gitna. He moved towards
the tail end of the boat skillfully. Nagtaas ng isang kilay at halatang naaasar
kaya mang-aasar.
"Talaga?" he said with sarcasm.
My sandals got wet by the seawater. Noong una, umatras ako ng konti sa gulat pero
sa huli natanto kong kaya kong lumusob para lang mas marinig niya.
"Oo!" puno ng pighati kong sigaw.
I am so happy to see him that fighting with him frustrates me so much. Alam kong
wala na kami pero parang may parte pa rin sa akin na hindi matanggap iyon. I don't
want us to fight.
"Kung... Kung iyong paghawak ko sa kanya ang basehan mo, para malaman mo, iyon ang
una naming interaction simula noon. Humingi siya ng tawad sa akin so I assured him
that it's all okay!"
He turned away bitterly. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang matinding iritasyon niya. I even
doubt if he believed what i just said. Kinagat ko ang labi ko.
"Kauuwi ko lang kaninang umaga. Iyon pa ang nadatnan ko..." he said the last
sentence in a low voice and without looking at me.
Oh my! He just got home! Sa birthday ko! I wonder if he knew? Day off niya? O ano?
"P-Pero wala namang halaga iyon."
Bumaling siya sa akin. Kita ko ang frustration, galit, iritasyon, at sakit sa
kanyang mga mata. His eyes was cloaked with something else, though. It looked
tired... worn out of something. Habang tumatagal ang titig ko sa kanya, lalo ko
pang nababasa ang nararamdaman niya. And he was selfish with his feelings... so
selfish that he'd look away just so I wouldn't see what is it.
"Talagang wrong timing lang ang pagdating mo. N-Nag-uusap lang talaga kami tungkol
noon. I really only touched him to assure-"
Hindi ko na natapos ang sinasabi ko. Bumagsak siya sa tubig ng walang kahirap-
hirap. He walked towards me and my heart boomed crazily. Hindi niya pa rin
tinatanggap ang mga sinabi ko. No humor is etched on his dark face. I should be
scared by now but my trembling knees is all for the excitement instead.
"Saan ka pupunta, Jax..." I trailed off when he bent and carried me.
Akala ko aalis siya o lalagpasan ako sa galit niya. I bit my lower lip to stop
myself from shrieking as he carried me towards the boat!
"S-Saan tayo?" I asked when he put me down on his boat.
Tinuko niya ang dalawang kamay sa bangka at inangat ang sarili ng walang kahirap-
hirap. Supladong-suplado ang itsura niya at iniignora ang mga tanong ko.
"Jaxon..." I asked softly.
My voice got drowned with the boat's engine. Ito ang first time kong sumakay ng
bangka. Mabilis at matulin ang paglalayag nito kahit pa umaalon na ng konti. The
dark blue waters made me more nervous. Kaming dalawa lang at kapag tumaob ito,
paano ako? Marunong lumangoy si Jaxon. Marunong din naman ako pero I never had an
experience with ocean or anything that's as deep as this!
"Jax!" I said softly as I watch him look at where we are heading.
I get it now. He promised when we'd see each other again, ipapasyal niya ako!
Tumigil ako sa pagtawag sa kanya at hinayaan na lang ang pangyayari. Kahit pa medyo
bothered pa rin ako sa pagsusuplado niya.
"Ano 'yon?" tanong ko sabay turo sa isang islang kahit sa malayo ay kita pa.
Hindi naman talaga ako kuryoso sa islang iyon. Gusto ko lang tingnan kung sasagutin
o papansinin niya na ba ako o hindi. Kaya lang nanatili ang mga mata niya sa harap,
never answering me.
I pouted. I wanted to go near him but the boat feels unsteady because of the small
waves and its fast speed.
"Wow! That looks amazing!" sabi ko nang napalapit sa isa pang isla pagkatapos ng
tatlumpong minutong pag-iikot.
The small rocky island looks so picturesque. I wonder if we'll stop and be there
for a while... maybe... talk?
Sinulyapan ko si Jaxon. Mukhang wala pa rin siyang balak na pansinin ako. Wala rin
yata siyang balak na tumigil kahit dito.
"Jax..." tawag ko.
His jaw clenched only as a response to my call. I pouted more.
"Pupunta ba tayo sa malayong isla na iyon?" sabi ko dahil nasisiguro kong sa layo
noong isa pang isla matatagalan kami. That will mean a longer time for us together.
"Hindi," he said plainly.
Oh he answered!
"E 'di, dito muna tayo, kung ganoon?" sabi ko sabay turo sa islang inikutan namin.
Hindi siya sumagot. Imbes, binilisan niya pa ang takbo ng bangka, ngayon palayo na
roon. We're heading southwest of that islet. I gritted my teeth then looked at him
who's doing the same.
"Jax, puwede tayo rito. Dito muna tayo, oh..." sabay turo ko sa isang sand bar na
walang tao pagkatapos ulit ng labing limang minutong paglalayag.
Supladong sinulyapan niya lang ang itinuro ko. Hindi niya man lang inexplain kung
bakit ayaw niya. Ni hindi niya nga ako tinanggihan man lang. He just gave me that
suplado look.
I know that we already broke up. I ended the things in between us already. Wala rin
siyang pananagutan sa nararamdaman ko. If he wants to get mad at me, I can't get
mad at him for that reaction. If he wants to be with someone else, I can't be mad
for it, too. And if he doesn't want to carry on his promises back when we were
together, I also couldn't fight for that. Kaya lang... hindi ko alam kung bakit
para sa akin, may karapatan pa rin siya. I still explained my side when he caught
me with Briggs. I don't want him mad at me. I don't want him to think that I found
someone else. I want to reassure him always. I want him to know that I'm still
crazy for him. Regardless of his feelings for me.
That realization hit me. Hindi ko alam na kaya kong mag-isip ng ganito. Hindi ko
alam na kaya kong magbigay ng pagmamahal sa ganito ka dakilang paraan.
Tears pooled in my eyes. I looked away and filled my sight with the wondrous
picture of the clear blue waters. Ang repleksyon ng araw ay tila kristal sa tubig.
At mararahang hampas ng alon, musika sa pandinig.
I licked my shivering lips and swallowed the bile in my throat.
"Hindi ba sabi mo ipapasyal mo ako pagkabalik mo? Eto na ba 'yon..." banayad kong
sinabi.
Sa gilid ng aking mga mata nakita ko ang paglingon niya. Matapang ko siyang
binalingan kahit pa alam kong malungkot na ang mga mata ko. He only stiffened more.
He grew colder and colder by the minute.
"I actually thought that we'd stop by some island a bit. Picnic or something but if
this is your idea of it, then..." I trailed off.
Sinulyapan ko ulit siya. Nakita kong diretso pa rin ang tingin niya. His jaw was
forever clenched. His body was tight as he stood there looking at the closing
sight. Nanatili ang tingin ko sa kanya, namamangha. Galing sa lalim ng mga mata, sa
tangos ng ilong, sa nipis at mapupulang labi, sa matigas na panga, sa lumilitaw na
adam's apple, at sa katawang matikas at may tamang laki para sa kanyang
katangkaran.
I wasn't lying when I admitted how much I am uncomfortable with his physical
appearance. I was uncomfortable because I find him too overbearing and potent.
Somehow he screams of those words and it makes me uncomfortable. Hindi rin ako
nagsinungaling nang sa wakas, inamin ko na gustong gusto ko siya. And it's funny to
say now that I like him because of the same reason why I initially didn't. He makes
me uncomfortable. He makes me feel fear and excitement at the same time. Those
feelings are too much. Those feelings are the feelings I was sure I couldn't
handle. Those feelings that I hate are the same ones that pushed me to fall for
him.
Bumagal ang bangka. Nagulat ako roon. Masyado akong nahumaling sa pagtitig sa kanya
na hindi ko na namalayan kung nasaan kami.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang nakita ang nasa harap. Ang malaking talampas ng
limestone ay humulma sa baliktad na U-shape, enclosing a small white sand beach.
Bumaling ako sa malayong kaliwa at nakita ko roon ang talampas kung saan tanaw ito
kapag nandoon kami.
"Secret beach..." I hissed when I realized where that is.
Jaxon was already busy with the docking. Meanwhile, I was still in awe with the
thought that we really are here. Noon, natatanaw ko lang ito. Ngayon, nandito na
kami.
Walang tao roon. Tama rin siyang wala ngang paraan para marating ang lugar na iyon
kundi ang pagbabangka. Matayog ang talampas at ang palibot nito'y purong limestone
lang na hinahampas ng alon. This is the only place here where the waves meet the
sand.
The boat hit the sandy floor. Tumayo na ako at tahimik na lumapit sa dulo. Nakita
kong may hagdanan doon. I was waiting for him to put the stairs into place but he
jumped out of the boat effortlessly without it. I waited again. Maybe he will
provide it for me.
Sumulyap lang siya sa akin habang inaayos ang lubid. Alam niya kung ano ang
hinihintay ko pero hindi niya ginawa. Hinayaan niya akong tumayong mag-isa roon
hanggang sa natapos siya sa ginagawa.
Lumapit siyang muli sa bangka. I anticipated for the stairs again but he instead
scooped my legs. Tiniis ko ang takot at panginginig. Hinawakan ko siya sa balikat
bilang suporta nang inangat niya ako sa hita at binaba sa buhanginan.
Nagkatinginan kami. Everything was slow motion for me when we looked at each other.
But then he looked away coldly. Tumikhim ako at nanatiling nakatayo roon. May
kinuha lang siya sa bangka at hindi na ulit ako nilingon nang dumiretso sa mga
batuhan. Noong una, sinundan ko lang siya ng tingin. Later on, I realized I should
go to him.
Tumigil ako nang nakitang naglapag siya ng kung ano sa buhangin. It was like a
brown mat or something. Padarag siyang naupo sa mat at supladong tinanaw na lang
ang tanawin habang nakatayo pa ako sa gilid doon. He didn't invite me to sit with
him but the thought of a limited time for me and that chance to talk to him was so
tempting.
Kahit hindi niya naman ako pinatabi, kusa akong naupo roon sa tabi niya.
"This is the Secret Beach, right. Doon naman ang cliff na madalas nating puntahan?"
I asked softly as I pointed at the far cliff."
He didn't say anything. The space in between us made me realize that maybe my voice
is too soft... it's drowned by the waves... and I'm too far away from him to be
clearly heard.
"Jax..." I said softly kasabay ng paglapit sa kanya.
Pilit siyang sumulyap sa akin gamit ang galit na mga mata. Ngumuso ako. My eyes are
tearful once more but he looked away.
"May iba ka ng gusto?" he asked silently.
Umiiling na ako hindi niya pa natapos ang tanong. "Wala! I explained to you
already. About Briggs. Hindi kita hiniwalayan dahil may gusto akong iba. Kung ano
ang sinabi kong dahilan sa'yo noong nag-usap tayo, iyon talaga ang dahilan ko."
He sighed heavily then looked at me with the same intense eyes.
"Believe me, please..." halos pagmamakaawa ko. "I just realized that... I really am
not ready for a long distance relationship. E-Especially that we... we're still
new. I mean..."
Nagulat ako. Hindi ko natapos ang sinabi ko nang hinila niya ako palapit sa kanya.
I moved closer to him, too. Something is fluttering in my stomach. My heart boomed
like crazy as he embraced me tightly.
"I get it," he whispered. "I'm sorry."
Kagat-kagat ko ang labi ko habang hinahawakan ang braso niyang nakapalupot sa akin.
His veined arms embraced me tightly like I would get away anytime. I wanted that
feeling so bad but I know it's wrong. We are not together. I shouldn't let myself
feel this when I already made my decision!
"Bago pa lang tayo. Hindi ka pa lubusang nagtitiwala. Ganoon din ako..." napapaos
niyang sinabi.
My heart hurt so much at that. Hindi ko alam na puwedeng maging masaya habang
nasasaktan.
"It was a wrong move to leave. It's too early..." he said.
"Huh?" medyo nagulat ako roon.
Nilingon ko siya. He looked at me this time with tired and weary eyes.
"I declined the scholarship. I resigned, too."
"H-Huh?" mas lalo pa akong nagulat sa narinig ko.
He hugged me more. Binaon niya ang mukha sa aking leeg.
"Dito na muna ako sa Costa Leona magtatrabaho. We'll build this relationship first.
I will wait till we're ready for a long distance relationship."
"W-What? Paano ang?" Hindi ko alam kung ano ang itatanong ko.
"Anong silbi ng pagtatrabaho ko roon kung makakawala ka? I'll stay, Amber. Until
we're ready."

[ 17 Kabanata15 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 15
Changes
Hindi ako nakasagot. I don't know what to really feel. The thought of having him
here with me made me happy but I didn't expect that I will feel bad the moment
he'll choose me over it. I feel so bad right now, I don't know if I can really be
happy.
"Jax! You're kidding me..." hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala.
Hindi siya nagsalita. Nagkatitigan kami. His eyes were sleepy when it languidly
searched my face. Ilang saglit, bumaba na ito sa aking labi.
"Hindi mo magagawa 'yon," mahinahon kong sinabi.
"I already did. May planta hindi kalayuan dito. Doon na muna ako magtatrabaho,"
seryoso niyang sinabi.
"Related to your course, though? Chemical Engineering?"
"Hindi ko alam. Titingnan ko pa kung anong puwedeng pasukan doon."
Nanatili ang titig ko sa kanya. I want to be happy. Thinking about better days
ahead with him makes my heart jump. But why do I feel like there's something
missing? Why do I feel sad about it? Nahahabag ako dahil nakaya niyang gawin iyon?
I feel so unreasonable for making him do this but... he's here! He's finally here!
I missed him so.
"Are you happy?" napapaos niyang tanong.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Ako ang nasasaktan nang marinig ang pag-aalala sa boses
niya. Siguro iniisip niya hindi ako lubusang masaya kahit na nagawa niya lahat ng
gusto ko dahil lang sa ekspresyon ko.
"Of course, I am. You're here, Jax. I missed you so..." I whispered and jumped a
bit towards him to prove a point.
Hinawakan niya ako sa baywang bilang suporta. His eyes drifted on my body for a few
moments. I saw the fire in its darkness even in between the things we're talking
about.
"Pero paano ka? It was a big opportunity!" sabi ko.
His eyes remained on his hand. Nakahawak kasi iyon sa aking baywang. Habang
nagsasalita ako, inaayos niya ang mga paa ko. He put my legs accross his thighs.
His hand move a bit carressing the small of my back.
"I'll find one again in time," he said without looking at me.
Masaya ako pero nahahabag din para sa kanya. I know he will find another
opportunity in the future. I believe in him. Hindi lang ako, for sure. Gusto rin
siya ng kumpanyang pinasukan niya and that means something. That means in just a
short time, they realize that he's a good employee. He can have one again in the
future!
Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. Sobrang saya ko na nagawa ko siyang yakapin.
Padarag ko siyang niyakap habang nakangiti. I hope he feels how happy and warm I'm
feeling right now.
"You surely will. I'm so happy, Jax..." I chuckled.
His hand stiffened on my waist. His hold of me was steel grip. Napakunot-noo ako
dahil nararamdaman ko na ayaw niya sa ginawa ko.
"We should go," he said pushing me a bit, away from him.
Alam kong nagalit siya sa akin kanina pero hindi ko inasahan na yayayain niya na
ako ng ganito ngayon. Galit pa rin ba siya? Hindi ko maintindihan.
Tinitigan ko siya. HIs adam's apple moved because he was swallowing so hard. His
jaw tensed repeatedly and his fiery eyes is cloaked with torment. My whole body
tingled as I watch his mouth part a bit.
Completely drawn with his lips and too happy for all of these, I leaned forward for
an innocent soft kiss. Namumungay na ang mga mata niya. His hand on the small of my
back is pushing me a bit on him. I bit my lower lip to supress a playful smile.
He crouched and leaned forward to give me a deeper kiss. I felt him lift me up a
bit. He made me sit on his lap, straddling him, as our lips mated. His kisses
awakened so many new sensations to me. The hunger and fire his kisses give off told
me that he wanted me to kiss him with equal passion.
I moaned when I felt him suck on my lips. I purred when his iron clad grip held my
stomach up the undersides of my breast. I arched my back, wanting to give more but
I didn't know how. His teasing kisses made me so dizzy and helpless.
He withdrew swiftly. Uminit kaagad ang pisngi ko nang natantong masyado akong
nagpadala.
"Let's go..." he said firmly even when his eyes were giving his true feelings away.
"B-Bakit? Y-You... didn't like my kisses?"
Pumikit siya ng marahan at tila dismayado sa kung ano. The muscles of his jaw moved
again. Ang liit ko sa ayos naming dalawa ngayong nakapatong ako sa kanya. His legs
were spread wide apart and his body in a territorial stance.
"Amber, I don't wanna go there... You're still a kid."
Mas lalo lang uminit ang pisngi ko. Is that it? I've had a boyfriend but I never
really thought about passion in kissing. Ni hindi ko inisip kung paano ba talaga
tamang gawin iyon. Ngayon ko lang napansin na wala talaga akong ginagawa,
nagpapahalik at nagpapaubaya lang. Ngayon ko lang napansin na masyado akong lulong
sa halik niya.
Iyon ba ang dahilan? He thinks I'm still a kid? That I don't know how to kiss
properly because of the way I kissed him? His thoughts troubled me so much.
"A kid? No, I'm not, Jaxon. I'm eighteen and I'm not a kid! I may have lesser
experience than you b-but I'm sure I'll learn in time!"
"Still we got to-"
Bravely, I leaned towards him and gave him a forced kiss. Umusog pa ako. He held me
in a far position and then that's when I realized something. Tumigil ako sa
paghalik at napatingin sa kanyang shorts.
Mas lalo lang nag-init ang pisngi ko. I've been sheltered my whole life but I know
these things. I never thought I'd get to experience this first hand. Nang naisip na
kaya ko siyang gawan ng ganito, sobrang nagpabaliw sa akin. I feel like I'm the
most desirable woman in the world. In his arms, on his lap, I feel like I'm a
woman. His growing maleness against my abdomen intensified the desire I'm trying to
hold together.
Out of curiosity, my hand flew a bit towards it.
"Oh!" he cursed vaguely.
Mabilis niyang hinuli ang kamay ko at nilayo roon.
"Amber!" he called harshly.
Angry now at his supression of me, I watched him bleakly. "Bakit? Ang ibang babae
lang ang puwede sa'yo. The one your age... like Rowena? That's why you want us to
stop?"
He closed his eyes painfully and forcefully pulled my hand to him. Sinundan pa iyon
ng tulak sa akin galing sa likod para makalapit na ng tuluyan sa kanya. His
maleness now brushing hotly against my abdomen.
His kisses unleashed my wildest and lustful side. And the way he boldly traced the
contour of my body down to my private parts made me so hot. He pulled the spaghetti
strap of my dress down my arm for an access on my breast.
Natigil ako sa paghalik nang naramdamang ang pagkakahanap niya sa akin. He tugged
on nipple gently. My eyes shut close. Nakaliliyo ang lahat ng ginagawa niya. All I
think about was his touch on me. He was now busy kissing the throbbing pulse on my
neck down.
He did that on my breasts alternately until he couldn't hold it any longer. He
pulled the top of my dress down, with it was my brassiere. Kinagat ko ang labi ko.
Nakaramdam ako ng matinding kahihiyan nang nakita ko siyang yumuko ng husto para
halikan ang dibdib ko. His hands cupped each of my breast as he alternately sucked
on it.
The sensation was too much. Agad ding nawala sa isipan ko ang kahihiyan. I embraced
him as he did that to me.
My embarrassment jolt back again when I felt his hand on my stomach tracing
circles. Bumalik ang halik niya sa aking leeg at sa aking labi. It was as if he
knew I was starting to get uneasy. His kisses put my mind back at ease. He sucked
on my tongue and on my lips.
I felt his fingers rubbing my thigh gap. He stopped kissing me. His intoxicated
eyes watched my reaction carefully as he played with my folds against the harsh
cloth of my undies. Nasisiguro kong pulang-pula na ang pisngi ko. Gusto kong mahiya
o magtago sa titig niyang seryoso at makamundo. Kaya lang masyado na akong
pinangunahan ng sarili kong pagnanasa.
My hold on his powerful shoulders was like my hold for my ethic - marahan at walang
kasiguraduan. Sa sobrang pagkahumaling sa ginagawa niya, huli na nang natanto kong
pumailalim na ang kanyang kamay sa aking underwear. I was so lost... so hungry when
I felt his fingers playfully rubbed on me.
"Jax..." I pleaded.
He grunted on my lips when he finger teased my entrance.
"Jax..." I cried more when I felt him teasing it more.
The tickling sensation I felt from his movements made me forget everything. I
caught my breath when he slowly penetrated it more with a finger.
"Damn it, you're so tight and wet!" he growled.
He pushed his fingers slowly and I felt my muscle tense with the foreign entance.
He groaned again. I felt myself contract on impulse even with the slight pain. The
pain got drowned by the pleasure.
"Jax..." I called a bit frustrated. "Don't... stop..."
"Hmm?" kahit na alam kong 'di niya sinasadya, nararamdaman ko ang tonong iyon
bilang pang-uuyam.
He stopped because of what I said. He chuckled a bit and watched me with an amused
lips.
"Damn it! I said don't stop, Jax!" iritado kong sinabi.
Overflowing with desire and lust, I grind my hips on his finger. On my third grind,
I stopped as I felt the extreme shaking and spasms on my insides. Binaba ko ang
tingin ko sa kanyang kamay. He hissed a curse when he realized what I just had. The
incredibly hot liquid on his fingers and on my panties made me so flushed that I
wanted to run and hide kahit pa katatapos lang ng kung anong nangyari sa akin
kanina.
"Oh..." I pushed him away out of embarrassment.
Kitang-kita ko ang matinding gulat at mas matinding pagnanasa sa kanya.
"Saan ka pupunta?" he said in a cold baritone when he felt me withdrawing.
Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. Hindi ko siya kayang harapin. I didn't know it would feel
like that. I didn't know it would look like that... it would turn out like that!
Kung alam ko lang...
"Come here..." he demanded and pulled me closer to him. I can feel him tremble a
bit.
He attacked me with aggressive and hungry kisses. Binaba niya ako sa mat habang
patuloy na hinahalikan. Habang hinahalikan niya ako at dinarama ang aking dibdib.
He frantically pulled my panties. My dress was already out of me. I didn't even
know how he did it. I was too engrossed with everything that I couldn't remember
him pulling it out of me.
It was as if he lost himself, too, because of what happened with me. Hindi na
nagsegundo pa nang nakita ko siyang hubad sa aking harapan. My eyes widened at my
quick look of his gloriously large maleness.
His broad shoulders covered the whole view of the ocean. He kneeled down in front
of me, spreading my legs so wide apart. Mas lalo pa akong nahiya. I feel so open
and so helpless in front of him and yet I have no other wish but for us to do this.
I felt him on my entrance. I felt him wetting because of me. I felt him pushing on
me like a welcomed intruder. Pagkatapos ay yumuko siya at hinalikan ako ng labis. I
completely forgot about the budding pain because of his kisses. I thought that it
was... easy... but that was only because he didn't fill me yet. That was because he
was only pleasuring me.
I moaned shamelessly when I was again completely hooked. I teased him with my
entrance. I rubbed myself on him. Nagulat na lang ako nang bumaba ang isang kamay
niya sa aking tiyan para ipirmi iyon. I was moaning bad when I felt him enter me in
a swift and wrecking motion.
"Ahh!"
Sumugat ang kuko ko sa kanyang likod. Gusto ko agad siyang itulak sa sakit! Pumikit
ako ng mariin. Tears brimming my eyes as I felt the sharp pain within me.
He was breatjing hard. Hindi siya gumagalaw habang panay ang reklamo at iyak ko.
"Ang sakit, Jax..." I cried.
Hinalikan niya ako ulit. He claimed all the corners of my mouth. He caught my
tongue with his teeth and sucked it. He mated with it as his touch went to my
sensitive twin peaks alternately.
He then moved a bit. Tumigil ako sa paghalik dahil sa naramdamang sakit. He did it
again very slowly. I felt the sharp pleasure with his movements. Ginawa niya pa
ulit iyon hanggang sa naramdaman ko na ang sarili kong nagdidiin sa kanya.
"I love you," he whispered when I closed my eyes again to feel him.
He pushed in me again slowly. Tiniis ko ang sakit.
The sharp pain is really too much but the pleasure that comes with it feels so
good. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. My control is vanishing and with his
each slow thrust, I meet him halfway. He pushed my stomach back but his control was
probably vanishing too. I know because on my last long moan after he filled me to
the brim, napadilat ako dahil umangat siya ng konti at inanggulo ako sa kanya.
Holding my small waist in place with both his strong hands, he looked like a beast
ready to devour. Dagdagan pa ng lasing niyang mga mata, nakatiim na panga, his
force made the veins of his arms turn out. Nakaawang ang labi niya nang nagsimula
siya sa matindi at tuloy-tuloy na labas pasok sa akin.
"Oh! Oh!" I was really disturbing the wild with all my moaning for both pain and
pleasure as he did that to me.
I let out a long moan when I felt his member within me, coaxing me into another
mind-blowing release. Matagumpay niya ngang nagawa iyon sa akin. I cried out when I
felt the electrifying passion exterminating my consciousness. He pushed on me
harder and faster. He pushed on me more until I felt him throb inside me. The feel
of him made the diminishing intensity of my own release come to life again.
The exhaustion and intensity really got me. My arms sagged and my body felt limp.
Pumikit ako hanggang sa nawalan ng malay. Hindi ko alam kung ilang sandali o saglit
iyon dahil masyado akong napagod.
"Pakakasalan kita," I woke up to his sweet whispers.
He showered me with soft kisses on my forhead. Unti-unti akong nagdilat. Bumaba ang
halik niya sa aking pisngi.
His grey eyes was the first thing I saw. I smiled. He didn't, though. Nanatili
siyang seryoso. His thick eyebrows highlighting his seriousness. Bumaba ang mga
mata ko sa aking katawan. My clothes are back with me. I wonder if it's just a
dream. A bit of movement made me realize that it wasn't a dream. Ang sakit sakit!
"Magpahinga muna tayo," sabi niya nang napansin na gusto kong gumalaw.
Nasa tabi ko siya. He's all over me in a very protective manner. Nakikita ko ang
kulay ng langit. Hindi magandang senyales iyon.
"Gusto ko sanang magpahinga muna kasama ka. Kaso... we need to catch a flight back
to Manila tonight so..."
"On your birthday?" nagsalubong ang kilay niya.
Napakurap-kurap ako sa tanong na iyon.
"Alam mo?"
"Of course."
Ngumuso ako at ngumiti. Ginagap niya ang kamay ko at hinalikan.
"I'm sorry, I didn't buy you anything," he said with his bedroom voice. "I didn't
have enough money to buy you something expensive. Hindi rin sapat ang nakuha ko
lang na suweldo kasi hindi ko naman tinapos ang buwan."
Umiling ako. "Sapat na sa akin na magkasama tayo ngayon. Jax, I don't need
anything. Ikaw lang."
He didn't smile at that. Nanatili siyang seryosong nakatitig. Kung hindi lang siya
nag-iwas ng tingin, tingin ko makikitaan ko ulit siya ng lungkot. Hindi ko
namalayan na pinaglalaruan niya na ang isang daliri ko. Nang napatingin siya roon,
bumaba rin ang tingin ko roon.
"I'll fill this finger one day. And I'll make sure it'll suit you."
I smiled. Bravely, I pushed myself to give him a brief kiss.
"The sun is setting. Baka hinahanap na ako ni Mommy. Iuwi mo na ako. I'll dream of
this day tonight and for the rest of my Christmas nights."
Kunot muli ang noo niya. "Ilang araw ka ba roon?"
"Babalik kami after new year..."
His lips twitched. I know what he's thinking right now.
"Babalik kami, I promise. Besides, who will take care of the hotel but my Mom,
right? 'Tsaka, enrolled pa ako sa school."
He sighed and nodded seriously.
"Ayaw ko nang sumama pagkatapos ng nangyari sa atin ngayon. Pero... Dad will
probably leave again for abroad after Christmas. I don't want to miss the
opportunity."
"It's okay. You should spend time with your family. Huwag mo lang akong kalimutang
tawagan. Kuntento na ako roon."
Tumango ako at ngumiti.
It was a dreamy day. Sa bahay ng kapatid niya ako ibabalik. Pumalaot kami habang
nagkukulay kahel at rosas ang langit. And I was in his arms the whole time we
sailed the unruly waves of Costa Leona.
Ngumiti ako habang pinagmamasdan ang langit at dagat na nagpang-abot sa kawalan.
Hindi ko alam na magugustuhan ko ang lahat ng ito. I was indifferent towards the
thought of the ocean, the sun, and its promises. Eventually, I hated it because I
hated it here. And right now, as the sun sets while I'm on Jaxon's arms, I realized
that I hated Costa Leona's promises because I knew I would believe and hope for it.
I hated being here because I know when I leave, I'll leave my heart as well.
Kumaway ako sa kanya habang palayo ang bangka. Iminuswestra niya sa akin na umalis
na ako o maglakad na patungo sa mansyon. Tumango ako at tipid na ngumiti. Kahit
naglalakad, nakatingin pa rin ako sa kanya - my boyfriend and only love.
Nauna pa rin ako kay Mommy pagkauwi. She was that busy with the hotel na muntikan
na kaming naiwan ng eroplano.
"Your dress is ready and the make up artist is already in your room."
Tumango ako. Nagulat ako dahil hindi kami dumiretso sa bahay pagkauwi. Sa isang
malaking five star hotel kami pumunta at ayon kay Mommy, mag didinner kaming
pamilya kaya nandoon kami. Sumang-ayon naman ako, wala pa sa wisyo at ang tanging
nasa isip ay si Jaxon.
Even when I was bathing, all I think about was the way he touched me. The way he
made me feel. My body's embarrassing reactions.
"Miss Amber?" tawag galing sa labas.
"Po?"
"Nagtext po si Madame, pakibilisan daw po."
"Okay po. Sorry!" sabi ko sa make up artist na naghihintay na matapos ako.
Pagkalabas ko, nagulat ako nang mismong ang international designer ng damit na
susuotin ko ay naroon. May apat ding photographer na mabilis ang mga click habang
palabas ako ng banyo na naka roba lang. And everyone was all smiles as they greeted
me a happy birthday.
"You have to look good for the dinner, Amber," sabi noong designer.
"Opo. Iyon nga ang sabi ni Mommy. Thank you!"
Ipinakita nila ang susuotin ko. It's a blush pink long gown with laces all over. It
has a round neckline, longsleeves, and trumpet skirt. Naging abala ang lahat.
Mabilis ang pagmi-make up sa akin. May pagkain ding dumating para sa amin habang
nagmimake up. It was liek a feast in my suite that I wonder if I can eat again for
the dinner with my parents?
Pagkatapos kong magmake up at magbihis, nagkaroon pa ng konting photoshoot para sa
akin. It was a very grand photoshoot. I think Mommy just wants to have grand photos
dahil hindi naman ako nag debut? Iyon lang ang inisip ko hanggang sa nakita ko na
ang napakaraming organizer o staff na may dalang mga radio phone.
I was made to stand by on a large double doors. Kinabahan ako.
"Ano pong meron?" inosente kong tanong dahil pakiramdam ko, alam ko na nga kung
anong meron.
Before I realize it fully, the double doors opened and I saw everyone in a very
large hall. Nasa taas ako ng stage na may dalawang engrandeng hagdan pababa sa mga
guests. Sa sobrang gulat ko, natutop ko ang aking mga labi. My eyes widened and
happiness filled me.
An orchestra played an instrumental dramatic song. I entered and saw my Daddy
holding out his hand for me for a dance. Sa dami ng emosyong naramdaman at sa gulat
ko, hindi ko na nakayanan. Naiyak ako habang tinatanggap ang kamay ni Dad.
Then I saw the many boy friends I have here in Manila line up on the grand stairs.
Eight on the left grand staircase, another nine on the other. Pagkatapos ni Daddy,
si Lolo at iilan pang lalaking relative ko bago nagsimula ako sa pagsasayaw ng mga
kaibigan.
Nasunod lahat lahat ng plano ni Mommy. It was a Dolce and Gabbanna themed party in
a dark tone. Ang mga bisita ay may suot na high fashion gowns, not just the regular
ones. round tables ay mayroong maraming palamuti. Bukod sa mga madidilim na
bulaklak ay ang signature naman nitong mga prutas sa tamang ayos. The crystal
chairs and gold chairs were like the many chandeliers of the hall.
It was an elegant, simple-looking, but very extravagant event. It was covered by
media, too. At hindi lang isa, marami ang naroon para ipakita ang pinakamalaking
debut ng taong iyon. That was Mommy's goal from the very beginning and she pulled
it off greatly.
"You're so pretty, Amber," laging sabi ng mga kaibigan ko tuwing isinasayaw ako.
What surprised me the most was the last dance. Napalingon ako kay Mommy na naroon
sa baba, poker-faced and serious. She smiled gently at me dahil kita siguro sa
itsura ko ang pagkakagulat.
"Happy birthday, Amber..." si Harper ang huling nagbigay ng rosas sa akin
pagkatapos ng lahat ng kaibigan.
Harper was my last dance and, according to the Master of Ceremonies, my escort.
Hindi ako makapaniwala dahil ayaw ni Mommy sa kanya. Gusto kong magtanong pero
hindi ko magagawa iyon habang ganito ang sitwasyon.
"Mas lalo kang gumanda," puna ni Harper habang nagsasayaw kaming dalawa.
"T-Thank you, Harper."
I am really confused as to why he's here. Iniisip ko pa kung paano siya tatanungin.
Hindi pa ako mapakali.
"Still nervous when you're around me, huh?" he said with amusement.
Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. Tumawa ako ng bahagya at kinalimutan na lang iyon dahil
nakahanap na ako ng tanong.
"B-Buti... pinayagan ka ni Mommy?"
He smiled. "She reached out to me and said sorry. Humingi rin ako ng tawad. Sabi ng
Mommy mo, blessing in disguise ang lahat ng nangyari. She said you finally became
close with each other because of what happened. Is it true?"
"Y-Yeah... A bit."
"Nasabi niya rin sa akin... na..." he paused for a while, now watching me closely.
"Nahihirapan ka raw na kalimutan ako."
Napawi ang ngiti ko. Nalito ako roon. Kailan ko sinabi iyon? Natagalan bago ko
natanto kung ano ang ibig sabihin ni Mommy roon. But before I could say anything
about it, the Maste of Ceremonies announced the continuation of the production with
my eighteen treasures, and eighteen candles.
Natuwa ako sa lahat ng iyon. Narito lahat ng kaibigan ko. Lahat ng inakala kong
ayaw ni Mommy, nandito. I appreciate how she reached out to my friends after
everything. Everyone also recalled their experiences with me at mas lalo kong
naramdaman kung ano ang nawala sa akin simula noong tumira kami ng Costa Leona.
It is a big, big world out here. I forgot about that. Kasi sa Costa Leona, umikot
ang mundo ko sa isang napakaliit na probinsya. I didn't have friends. I forgot that
I actually have. The life I have here now feels like a dream. At tuwing naiisip
kong hindi ito panaginip dahil ito ang totoo kong buhay, mas lalo akong sumasaya!
And then I remember Jaxon. Even when Costa Leona is a small world, I know where my
heart is.
Naluha ako sa speech ni Lolo at ni Daddy. Hindi ko inakalang mas iiyak ako kay
Mommy.
"I was always strict with Amber because I know what's out there. I know what will
hurt her. And if I can help it, I will do what I can just so she won't experience
it. Alam ko na naging malupit at mahigit akong ina, for the past eighteen years.
But I know now that I have a brilliant, kind, and modest daughter... that I should
learn to start trusting her," Mommy smiled at me.
I smiled back at her after wiping some small tears away.
"Darling, you are now of age. I see that you've grown to be a fair lady. I trust
you. From this day on, I will let you go more..." nanginig ang boses ni Mommy.
"Even when I'm always scared for you. Even when I'm always protective of you.
Because nothing is more important than giving you your well-deserved freedom."
Pumalakpak ang lahat sa sinabi ni Mommy. It was a very emotional night. I would
probably never forget it. To end the whole thing, we partied all night on the venue
with my friends. Tawang tawa si Phillie habang dinidescribe sa akin ang reaksyon ko
nang nakita ang maraming bisita.
Sinapo ko ang ulo ko nang kinuwento ko rin ang nararamdaman ko.
"I didn't expect any of this! Kasabwat ka pala!" sabi ko.
"Oo! Hindi mo nahalata! Dapat lang! Ang galing kong artista no!" she said laughing.
Natawa rin ako. Inakbayan ako ng isa pa naming kaibigan.
"So... anong ibig sabihin ng Mommy mo, Amber, doon sa sinabi? Puwede ka nang
lumabas?"
Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Phillie sabay talon talon. Her cute black printed dress
bounced with her.
"Addie, s'yempre! Kinausap ako ni Tita Marem kahapon! Sabi niya, puwede na natin
isama si Amber sa mga lakad natin!" excited na sinabi ni Phillie.
"Talaga?" si Rem, napasali sa amin sabay tingin sa dalawang excited din. "Kahit sa
after party?"
"Oo!"
Tumawa ako at nakisaya na rin sa kanila. Hindi ako makapaniwala. The changes in my
life are all too good to be true.

[ 18 Kabanata16 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 16
Drunk
Tawanan at hiyawan ang nagpaupo sa akin sa isang VIP couch ng isang eksklusibong
super club. Ako ang huling nag eighteen sa circle of friends ko kaya nakailang
beses na sila rito. Alam na nila ang pasikot-sikot. Kaya naman sila na mismo ang
nagsabi kay Mommy kung saan kami pupunta.
"Amber, oh!" sabay pakita ni Phillie sa akin ng isang shot na nag-aalab pa.
I was too overwhelmed. Lalo na dahil pinapalibutan kami ng ilan pang mas
matatandang kaibigan. They were all cheering at us who turned eighteen the past few
months. Lima kami kaya lima rin ang shots na naroon.
"One, two..." bilang nila sabay bigay sa akin noong shot.
Everyone was loud. I couldn't say anything. Basta't sumabay na lang ako sa kanila
nang uminom din sila noon. Masyadong maanghang at mainit iyon. Tumawa na lang ako
pagkatapos. Lalo na't may isa ulit na tray na may ganoon.
"Oh, tapos na kami, ha! To the debutante naman!" sabi ng isa sa mga kaibigan namin.
I laughed at that. Mabilis akong umiling dahil ayaw ko na. Siniko ako ng isa pang
kaibigan.
"Ano ka ba? Minsan na nga lang!"
"Tama, Amber, baka ngayon ka lang pinalabas kasi birthday mo! Next week, balik
higpit ulit si Tita Marem."
"Tama ka, Addie. We can never really tell, Amber. Come on! Let's have fun!" si
Phillie.
Sa katuwaan namin, maging ang kabilang mesa nanonood na sa amin. Hiyang-hiya nga
ako. There were men just years older than us watching. At kung hindi ako
nagkakamali, hindi rin kalayuan ang lamesa na puno ng mga anak ng kilalang
personalidad sa showbiz. They are watching us.
"Amber! Amber! Amber!" my friends cheered.
My eyes drifted on the next couch. I feel uncomfortable lalo na't nakatingin talaga
sila sa akin. Even with the darkness and the strobe light, I know that one of them
raised his glass on me. Sigurado ako roon dahil niyugyog ako ni Phillie nang nakita
niya rin iyon.
"Oh my goodness, Amber! I think he likes you," she whispered.
"Si Eissen 'yan. Ang guwapo!"
Umiling agad ako. Iba-iba na kasi ang focus ng lahat. Habang sinasabi iyon ni
Phillie, ang iba sa mga kaibigan ko, walang napapansin o naiisip kundi ang pag-inom
ko sa shot. Sumimangot si Phillie nang umikot si Harper at lumipat sa harap ko,
blocking our view of the other VIP couch.
"Ay ano ba 'yan!" reklamo ni Phillie.
Nagkatinginginan si Phillie at Harper. Anger is etched on Harper's eyes. It was
directed at us. Si Phillie naman, agresibong iritado dahil sa kilos ni Harper.
"Harper, Harper, tumabi ka nga! May cutie na nakatingin, e!" si Phillie.
"Tumigil ka nga! May boyfriend ka na, ah? Hindi dahil wala ang boyfriend mo rito,
lalandi ka na!"
Natigil ang hiyawan dahil sa sinabi ni Harper. They all shouted like it was a big
burn for Phillie. Tumayo si Phillie para ipahiya si Harper at ang lahat ng nang-
asar sa kanya.
"Excuse me! Hindi kasi sa akin nakatingin! Kay Amber kaya... tabi!" mataray na
sinabi ng kaibigan ko.
They all shouted again for Harper's burn this time. Tumawa na lang ako. It's not as
if I'm interested with the other guys on the other table. Nanatili akong nakaupo
habang nag-aasaran ang lahat.
"Lalong 'di ako tatabi!" mayabang na sigaw ni Harper.
Phillie crossed her arms. They all cheered for Harper this time.
"Harper! Harper! Harper!" sabi ng lahat bilang panunukso sa amin.
"Sige na, Amber! Enjoy na enjoy ka naman kasi hindi ka pinapainom! Do the shots
again, come on!" si Addie naman ngayon.
"Oo nga! Memorable lalo ang eighteenth birthday mo pag ngayon ka first time
malasing!"
Kahit hindi ako malasing ngayon, memorable na sa akin ang buong birthday na ito. I
really mean it. Naisip ko ng ilang sandali si Jaxon bago ako pumayag sa kanilang
pangungulit.
I didn't notice anything weird about me even after the many shots I took. Tingin ko
nga, normal pa ako habang ang mga kaibigan ko itong wala na. Alam ko dahil nakaupo
pa lang kami, kitang-kita ko na ang pagkakahilo nila. Phillie was already too loud.
She never said no to all the shots given to her. Isang beses lang siyang hindi
uminom at iyon ay dahil tingin ko, lasing na talaga siya. I volunteered to drink
her shot. Tutal, habang tumatagal medyo umaayos ang panlasa ko sa iniinom namin.
Hinila si Phillie ng mga pinsan niya. Sinubukan niya akong hilahin kasama niya.
Akala ko talaga madadala niya na ako sa dancefloor. Nagulat ako nang hinawakan ni
Harper ang kamay naming dalawa at pinaghiwalay.
Dahil sa kalasingan, kahit nag protesta si Phillie, hindi niya na napigilan ang
paghatak ng mga pinsan niya patungo roon. And here I am watching them, smiling a
bit at Harper who's also sitting beside me now.
"Finally, I got rid of Phillie," he said but I couldn't seem to get it.
"Huh?"
He smirked. Hinila niya ako palapit sa kanya at bumulong siya sa akin.
"Ang sabi ko, buti nawala na rin ang kaibigan mo."
Tumawa ako. "Babalik din 'yon!"
"Mamaya pa. Magkakatuwaan pa..." Marami pa siyang sinabi pero hindi ko talaga
marinig.
"Huh?" napalakas ang sinabi ko dahil talagang ko narinig ang mga huling sinabi
niya.
Hinila muli ako ni Harper. This time, umusog na siya palapit pa lalo sa akin. His
arm wrapped around me to push me towards him so I could hear what he has to say.
"Mamaya pa. Magkakatuwaan pa sila ng pinsan niya. Gusto mo sayaw tayo?"
Umiling ako. "Nahihiya akong sumayaw. First time ko sa ganito."
Lumapit muli siya sa tainga ko. We were so close to each other but I figured it's
normal because people here are talking that way because the music is too loud.
"Kaya nga sumayaw na tayo para ako ang first time mo..." he said.
"Huwag na. Uh..."
I felt the sudden urge to pee. Tumayo ako nang hindi na nagpapaalam. Doon ko
naramdaman ang pagod at pagkahilo ko. Naka tatlong inom lang ako. I did not expect
to feel this way when Phillie started being drunk after her tenth!
Nasapo ko ang noo ko. Mabuti na lang at mabilis akong nahawakan ni Harper.
"Ayos ka lang ba?" he asked.
Humawak ako sa braso ni Harper. This is ridiculous. Am I drunk? Dumilat muli ako at
nakita kong umaalon na ang tingin ko.
Alas tres na yata ng madaling araw. My day was very full and tiring. Bumyahe pa ako
at ngayon nandito pa. Pagod at alak siguro ang nag pang-abot kaya ganito na lang
ang nararamdaman ko.
"Ayos lang ako. I just wanna go to the powder room," I said and tried to step.
Kaso lang, dalawang hakbang, nagdidilim at umaalon ang paningin ko. Hindi ko kayang
maglakad ng hindi inaakay.
"Sorry," sabi ko kay Harper.
"That's okay. Sasamahan kita."
My memories were a blur. Ang sunod na alam ko, nasa bathroom na ako, nakapikit at
hinihila na ng antok at pagod. Inayos ko ang sarili ko pagkatapos pero nang lumabas
ulit, nahihilo ulit ako at nawawala sa sarili. Bukod pa roon, the smoke made me
hyperventilate mildly. Hindi ako masyadong makahinga, bukod pa sa pagkakahilo ko.
Dumilat ako. Nagulat na lang ako na kaya pala hindi ako masyadong makahinga dahil
dinala na ako ni Harper sa dancefloor. Wala sa sarili akong nakayakap sa kanya
habang ngiting-ngiti siyang inaasar ng mga kaibigan ko.
"Did you guys make up?" tanong ng kung sinong kilala namin.
Hindi ko na nasundan iyon dahil nagdilim ulit ang paningin ko. Nagising na lang
ulit ako dahil sa kakaibang nararamdaman. I felt something wet on my mouth. When I
opened my eyes I realized that it was Harper kissing me so passionately! Tumigil
lang siya dahil napansin ko iyon at agad kong iniwas ang mukha ko.
"Oh my! Congrats, lovers!" nagpalakpakan ang iilang kakilala naming naroon.
So confused and so dizzy, wala akong ibang magawa kundi ang kumapit kay Harper.
"Let's get out of here, please..." sabi ko sabay sandal na sa kanya, wala na sa
sarili.
"Of course. Come here. I know a place..." he said.
Wala na akong naging pakealam kung saan ako dadalhin ni Harper. Basta ang gusto ko
lang umalis doon sa maraming tao at tumigil kami sa kung ano man ang ginagawa
namin. There's another gap again where I couldn't remember what happened. Dumilat
akong nasa loob kami ng sasakyan niya, hinahalikan ako.
"Harper... w-what are you doing?" sabay tulak ko sa kanya.
He chuckled and stopped.
"I missed you so, Amber. I could get you a hotel room right now pero gusto kong
magpabango sa Mommy mo. I should get you home safe right now. You think?"
"H-Huh? Harper, ititext ko na lang ang driver namin. Please, just..."
Lumayo ako sa kanya. I tried to get my phone. I searched for our driver's number.
"Alright. Alright, Amber!" Tumawa siya. "I'm just kidding, okay? Ihahatid na kita."
"No... No... It's okay. Kukunin na ako ng driver."
Umatras ang sasakyan ni Harper. Tumawa siya at bumaling sa akin pagkaandar ng
sasakyan. Hindi ko mahanap ang numero ng driver ko na dapat kong samahan ngayon.
Kinuha ni Harper ang cellphone ko at tinapon sa back seat.
"Come on, Amber. Chill! Ihahatid nga kita."
"Gusto ko nang umuwi. H-Hindi tama 'to."
"Yeah. Iuuwi kita, okay? Sorry for the jokes. I know you're not ready for it."
Ready for what?
Litung-lito ko siyang tiningnan. Ngumisi siya ng hilaw bago nagpatuloy sa seryosong
pagmamaneho. I intend to talk to him about everything but my body just wouldn't
work anymore. Lasing, antok, at pagod ako. Ni hindi ko na namalayan ang paghatid at
pagdating nga namin sa bahay.
That was everything I could recall when I woke up afternoon of the next day. I
couldn't even remember anything much anymore. Para siyang panaginip na naaalala mo
pa pagkagising mo pero unti-unti ring nawawala kalaunan.
Naghalikan kami ni Harper! Is that true? Or was it just a dream?
Ngayon ko lang napansin ang text ni Jax. Mabilis akong nagreply.
Jaxon:
Nakarating ka na? Happy birthday! Enjoy it. I'm going to a company of steelworks
tomorrow to see if there is a job opening.
Ako:
Good morning, Jax! Sorry hindi ako nakareply kagabi. Mommy surprised me with a
grand birthday party! Ni hindi ko alam na may ganoon! Good luck sa pupuntahan mo.
I'm sure you'll get a job.
Iyon lang ang nasabi ko. Natatakot akong isali sa usapan ang nangyari pagkatapos ng
birthday party ko. Besides, hindi ako sigurado kung nangyari ba talaga ang mga
iyon! I should ask Phillie, right? I should! Or Harper? But I don't wanna talk to
Harper. Nakaka awkward naman!
"How was your after party?" Mommy asked nang bumaba na ako.
She's with Daddy on our garden, nagt-tsaa habang nakaupo sa patio. Her hair is
still in a beautiful french twist. Kulang lang ng pearl choker at diamante sa
tainga, ganoon pa rin ang ayos niya kahapon. Tumikhim ako, hindi alam kung ano ang
sasabihin. Ngumiti si Mommy at hinawakan ang kamay ko para igiya na ipaupo sa tabi
niya. Daddy smiled at me.
"Hinatid ka ni Harper dito. Sa tamang oras naman. You were asleep when you got
here. Nalasing ka?"
"H-Hindi po! T-Tatlong shot lang po ang nainom ko."
Mommy smiled. "It's okay to occassionally drink. For socializing only. Huwag mo
nang hayaan ang sarili mong malasing. Besides, it's not good for the body and
figure."
Daddy gave a hearty laugh. Mommy smiled. Hindi ko alam kung ngingiti rin ba dapat
ako.
"I see that you really are close to Harper even after what I did. But like what I
said, Amber, first loves are strong but they don't usually last."
"A-Alam ko po, Mommy. Wala na kami ni Harper."
Mommy nodded cooly and took a sip of her tea. Gumilid ang tingin niya para sa
naghihintay na kasambahay. "Pakihatid dito ang brunch ni Amber."
"Opo, Madame..."
I shifted uncomfortably on my seat. Kinagat ko ang labi ko nang may naalala. Kaya
naman napatalon ako ng konti nang nagsalita ulit si Mommy. I don't know why I feel
so guilty thinking about what happened yesterday. And I can't believe I can still
feel it!
"By the way, the international agency I am talking about is really very interested
with you. This is not a normal offer. Ni mga sikat na modelo rito sa bansa, hindi
nagkakaroon ng ganito.
Nakuha ng sinabi ni Mommy ang atensyon ko. It was her idea from the very beginning
but I soon started loving modeling and the other things that come with it.
"There will be shoots here in Manila and shoots and catwalks abroad."
"Talaga po?" medyo nagulat kong sinabi.
"Yes, hija. And like I said, I waited until you're eighteen. What do you think?"
"It's fine, Mommy... B-But... Paano iyong... iyong school ko?"
"Well, if this really goes on, you can just transfer next semester here in Manila.
What's the problem with that?" nagkibit ng balikat si Mommy.
Oh no!
"I'm fine with my school in Costa Leona, Mommy. Puwedeng doon na lang po ako."
She smiled widely.
"That's new. Puwede rin naman..." she said while watching me in bold suspiscion.
Hindi na ako mapakali. Mabuti na lang at hindi naman big deal kay Mommy kung saan
ako mag-aaral.
"Pero, I'm curious... Noong nag-usap kami ni Harper, umamin siya sa akin na may
plano kayong dalawa na gumawa ng kahit ano para lang makumbinsi akong bumalik ka ng
Manila. Para makumbinsi ako na hindi maganda ang Costa Leona para sa'yo."
Hindi maintindihan ang sinasabi ni Mommy, nanatili akong nakatitig habang
nagsasalita siya. She sipped on her tea again.
"I actually don't know what you can do to make me decide to put you back in Manila.
Napaisip tuloy ako kung ano ang puwedeng kabulastugan mong gagawin para lang
maibalik kita sa Manila. Mukhang wala naman. Maybe that's what Harper hoped for.
Too bad for your boyfriend."
"Wala na po kami ni Harper, Mommy," ulit ko.
"Wala na raw kasi. Tigilan mo na."
Mommy chuckled. "Alright, Amber. Calm down. Kahit na maluwang na ako sa'yo, I still
believe you deserve someone better than that boy. It's just funny that first loves
usually make you crazy. Sa puntong inisip mo pa talaga na gagawa ka ng masama sa
probinsya para lang makapiling mo ulit siya. That was a ridculous and unhealthy
move. Good thing you didn't do anything that stupid."
Nilapag ng aming kasambahay ang pagkain ko. Nagpatuloy si Mommy tungkol sa offer ng
agency sa akin pero ang isipan ko'y lumipad na kay Harper at sa mga nangyari. That
can't happen, right? Mabuti na lang at hindi pa naman nag rereply si Jaxon kahit
noong bumalik na ako sa kuwarto. I had time to breathe and call Phillie about it.
"Naghalikan ba kami ni Harper?" I asked her.
She sounds tired over the phone. Mukhang bagong gising lang kahit na alas kuatro na
ng hapon noon.
"Hindi ko alam. Malay ko sa'yo. I don't own your lips. How would I know. Bakit?
Naghalikan ba kayo?"
Sapo ang noo ko, pumikit ako ng mariin.
"I feel like. There's a memory but... I shouldn't... I mean-"
Humagalpak si Phillie. "Nagkabalikan kayo?"
"Hindi no! Hindi dapat ganoon, Phillie, may..."
"Naku hayaan mo na! Ganyan talaga ang mga nangyayari sa club!"
"Pero kailangan naming linawin ni Harper. Nararamdaman kong umaasa pa siya. He
thinks I'm not over him."
"Why? Are you?" medyo gulat na tanong ni Phillie. "Alam ko na. Sa susunod na labas
natin, iinvite ulit natin siya. Tapos... mag-usap na kayo, okay? Para magkaalaman
na!"
Kailangan ko ring ipaliwanag kay Phillie 'to. But I am so bothered with so many
things and I don't know how to start fixing it.
"Yes, please. Siya ang dapat kong unahin. I mean... kailangan magkausap muna kaming
dalawa at masettle namin kung ano man iyong mga iniisip niya."
"Okay! Sa Friday na. May pasok pa kami bukas. Buti ka pa!"
"Okay. Please. Thank you!"
Harper also texted me that night. Mas lalo lang akong kinabahan. Dahil mas
nakukumpirma ng text niya ang nangyari!
Harper:
I missed you so much. I can't wait to see you again.
Nothing was really unusual that day. Laking pasasalamat ko na hindi naman tumawag
si Jaxon. He only texted me that night and it wasn't even a very long conversation.
Jaxon:
May gusto ka bang sabihin sa akin?
Ako:
Wala naman. Bakit? How was your trip to that plant?
Jaxon:
Really? Just nothing at all?
Ako:
Really. :)
Kabadong-kabado ako. Kahit na alam ko namang wala siyang paraan para malaman ang
nangyari kagabi, kung meron nga... kabado pa rin ako. Mabuti na lang at hindi niya
naman na ako kinulit. Hindi na siya nagreply at hindi na rin ako nangulit.
I have no intention to tell him about it. My memory of it is not clear. Isa pa,
pagbubungahan lang iyon ng away naming dalawa, e wala namang kuwenta! Wala namang
kahulugan iyon. Mas mabuti pang hindi ko sabihin na kay Jaxon para hindi na namin
pag-awayan pa.
Tipid ang mga texts ni Jaxon sa nagdaang araw. I think he's just busy. Natatakot pa
rin talaga akong tumawag siya kahit na alam kong hindi maiiwasan iyon. It was a
cold Wednesday night when he decided to call. I was so scared. I tried hard to
convince him to not call me at all but he insisted.
Jaxon:
Tatawag ako. May pag-uusapan tayo.
Ayaw kong maramdaman niya ang takot ko kaya nagsikap ako na umayos.
"Hi! I-I'm happy na natanggap ka sa industrial plant na 'yon. I told you you'd get
it, right?" medyo may pag-aalinlangan pa rin nang sinabi ko iyon.
"Kumusta?" he said coldly.
"I'm fine. You?" nanginig ang labi ko.
"Wala ka ba talagang sasabihin sa akin?" tanong niya.
"Ano naman ang sasabihin ko, Jax?" natawa ako bahagya.
"Talaga bang party lang sa hotel ang ginawa mo noong birthday mo?"
Bakit parang alam niya? Imposible iyon! He's miles away from me! He's in Costa
Leona with no connection at all! Si Phillie lang ang nakakakilala sa kanya sa mga
kaibigan ko at imposibleng nag cocommunicate sila ni Phillie! Bukod doon... walang
pictures na ganoon sa Facebook ko! I check it everyday! He couldn't have seen it
anywhere!
"Nagparty d-din kami after. Sa... isang club pero umuwi rin ako agad."
"And?"
"Iyon na. Umuwi ako," pilit kong inayos ang boses ko.
"Uminom ka?"
"Yes. A bit," pag-amin ko.
"Entertained boys?"
Pumikit ako ng mariin at pinilit ang sarili.
"Jax! May boyfriend na ako. Ikaw! Bakit pa ako mag-eentertain ng boys?"
"Just tell me so, Amber," he demanded in a cold tone that made my palm sweat.
"Wala! I told you."
"You have boy friends who were with you, then?"
"Wala, Jax!"
He sighed heavily. Hindi na siya nagsalita pa.
"I'm not that kind of girl. You know that!"
"Puwede mo namang sabihin na nagkamali ka, hindi ba? Kung ganoon nga."
My face heated. It was as if he's insinuating that I was lying. Yes, I am blocking
certain truths for him pero hinding hindi ako magsisinungaling para lokohin siya.
"Basta ikaw ang mahal ko. Ikaw lang. Hindi kita lolokohin!"
Hindi ulit siya nagsalita.
"Jax... I... I went out with friends and that's all. I'm sorry if you didn't like
it."
"Mag-usap na lang tayo ulit pagkauwi mo," matabang niyang sinabi na para bang may
pinipigilang kung ano sa sarili.
"Okay."
Natapos doon ang usapan namin. The next days were the same except without his
calls. Kalaunan, natanto kong may nagbago yata sa mga texts niya. It seems... cold.
I asked him about it Friday morning. Nagtatrabaho na siya sa planta at nagiging
busy na. Iyon siguro ang dahilan pero gusto ko lang malaman niya na napapansin ko
iyon.
Ako:
I know you're now working and you're busy that's why your texts seem cold and
rehearsed. I miss you so much. Hindi na ako makapaghintay na makauwi.
He didn't reply to me. I was bothered so much by it. At kung hindi lang kami aalis,
baka iyon na ang naghari sa isipan ko. Kaso lang... aalis kami. I will make
everything about me and Harper clear.
We went to a chill bar and grill with the whole gang. Gaya ng pakiusap ko kay
Phillie na huwag na sa isang superclub dahil ang gusto ko lang naman, bukod sa
catch up sa kanila, ay ang makausap ng masinsinan si Harper.
The group allowed us to be in another private table. They all think we're fixing
everything when the truth is, I am going to tell Harper that we should stop.
Mayabang na ngumiti si Harper at nag-order na rin ng para sa aming dalawa habang
naroon kami sa isang lamesa. Tumuwid ako sa pagkakaupo. He smiled boyishly at me
when the waiter left.
"You don't reply much. Gusto ko sanang lumabas tayo noong nakaraan na tayo lang.
Well, we can do it tomorrow instead. Wanna watch a movie?"
I admit it. Harper changed a bit. Kung noon kung anu-ano na lang ang ginagawa niya
sa buhay niya, ngayon daw nag-aaral na siyang mabuti. It reflects on his over all
look, too. Kung noon, titingnan pa lang siya bad boy na. Ngayon, medyo pumormal na
siya sa pananamit. He matured a bit.
"No, Harper. I'm sorry."
Napawi ang ngiti niya. Kumunot ang kanyang noo at nagseryoso.
"Look. I value what we had but you got me wrong this time. Noong naghiwalay tayo,
tinanggap ko iyon ng buo. The moving on was supposedly a hard process but maybe my
life in that province had been pretty harder so hindi ko na naisip pa talaga ang
naramdaman ko para sa paghihiwalay nating dalawa."
Unti-unting umasim ang kanyang itsura. I can sense that he doesn't like what he's
hearing. He cut me off.
"I know that Phillie's been telling you about the girls... But..." umiling siya.
"Amber, kahit anong gawin ko, ikaw pa rin talaga. Inisip ko kasi noon, wala rin
tayong patutunguhan. Bukod sa ayaw ng pamilya mo sa akin, aalis din ako next year,
to study abroad. I admit that I've been a bad boyfriend to you. Hindi ko gaanong
pinahalagahan ang pagsasama natin. Huli na nang narealize ko na talagang ikaw."
Funny how after all these years this is the first time I felt Harper being so true
to me. Ni hindi ko maalala kung kailan ko narinig sa kanya ang mga katagang "I love
you" na dinibdib ko dahil naramdaman ko ang sincerity. Looking back now, I don't
think I ever did feel that he was serious of me. Ngayon pa lang.
Sa totoo lang, mas lalo akong nahirapan. How can I explain to him what happened? Na
sa isang iglap lang, nakahanap ako ng iba? Nagmahal ako ng sobra? A love that would
shame all the things I've felt for the past years? Funny how that seems so wrong. I
jumped from a boyfriend to another. Pero sa totoo lang, hindi ko maramdaman na
nagustuhan ko si Jaxon dahil lang nasaktan ako kay Harper. He is out of here. And
definitely, Harper is out of us.
"Thank you. I appreciate that, Harper. I don't want to discredit what I felt for
you back then but I think I really treasured you. Kaso lang... Harper, para sa
akin, talagang wala na tayo. Hindi ito dahil sa mga sinabi ni Phillie sa akin. This
is really my decision. I've moved on and I realized that it was all petty. I'm
sorry-"
"Petty? Really, Amber?" medyo tumaas ang boses niya.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. "I treasured you, really. What I feel for you right now is
a love for a friend. And I have yet to discover if that was what I really felt back
when we had our relationship. I think I was then a very confused teenager. First
time kong lumabas galing sa mundong ginawa ni Mommy para sa akin-"
"Can you hear yourself, Amber? Did you just tell me that- No..." umiling siya at
bahagyang tumawa. "You're just playing hard-to-get. I know how you really feel.
Sinabi ng Mommy mo sa akin!"
"Nagkamali si Mommy, Harper."
Umiiling si Harper, dismayado sa sinabi ko. Nararamdaman ko na talagang hindi siya
naniniwala sa sinabi ko. Mataman niya akong tinitigan. His lips on a grim line.
"You're just doing this to get even. To hurt me!" he declared.
"I'm not!" marahan kong giit.
"You were so willing when we kissed that night! You let me touch you, Amber. And if
I wasn't very modest, I could've... I could've-"
"Harper!" medyo tumaas ang boses ko. "I have no idea what I was doing. First time
kong uminom at medyo nalasing ako! You took advantage!"
"No, I didn't! I kissed you and you didn't push me back. I felt that you're into
it! Kaya huwag mo nang ideny, Amber! I know. Please, tell me now or we'll waste
time! I'm leaving months from now. Ang tagal kong hinintay nitong birthday mo just
so I could make a move in person and now-"
Gusto kong maiyak sa tuloy-tuloy na sinabi ni Harper. Nagpatuloy ako sa pag-iling.
"I'm really sorry. I'm not doing this to hurt you or to play hard to get. This is
how I really feel. I don't love you romantically Harper. And if we did kiss, it was
a mistake. I was drunk. I don't remember anything."

[ 19 Kabanata17 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 17
Arrange
I finished that night sober and miserable. Uminom nang uminom si Harper at noong
nalasing siya, pilit niya akong nilalapitan, medyo malungkot at halos nagmamakaawa.
Wala akong sinabihan sa mga kaibigan ko. I told Phillie I would tell her soon.
Gusto ko na kasing umalis na lang doon dahil nag-eeskandalo na si Harper. That was
my excuse to leave early on that night out.
I never doubted Jaxon's coldness or his less texts and calls. Minsan, naiisip ko pa
ngang gumiginhawa ako na hindi niya ako itext. Ayokong tanungin niya ako tungkol sa
birthday ko dahil hindi ko alam ang isasagot. Takot akong magalit siya sa akin sa
isang bagay na hindi ko naman sinasadya. I wonder if he'll believe me if I told him
that, especially after what happened on the Secret Beach.
Late din kaming bumalik sa Costa Leona. Mommy was busy entertaining Dad's guests
for his newest venture. Isang linggo na pagkatapos ng New Year, nasa Manila pa rin
kami. Nagsisimula na ang pasukan sa Costa Leona.
That was when I realized that Jaxon's been so distant to me. One cold text a day
and that will be enough for him. Frustration, heartbreak, and guilt is not a good
combination.
Ako:
Iyon lang ang text mo sa akin buong araw?
Ilang oras pa bago nakapagreply si Jaxon. Ilang oras din akong naging miserable.
Sobrang daming masasamang bagay ang pumasok sa isipan ko.
Jaxon:
I'm sorry. Mag-usap na lang tayo kapag nakauwi ka na.
Ako:
We can text or call to communicate! Bakit sa pagkauwi ko pa?
He didn't reply at all. Mas lalong naging mahirap sa akin ang nagdaang araw. I
honestly just don't know how to deal with it anymore. Kahit anong labas ko kasama
ang mga kaibigan, hindi na matatanggal sa isipan ko ang pagbabago sa kilos ni
Jaxon.
I tried to figure out how. When did his attitude on the phone change. Imposible ang
ibang anggulo kaya wala akong ibang maisip kundi ang pagkakagusto niya ng ibang
babae roon. These thoughts killed me. I am so tired of thinking ill but there's
just no way this has no explanations!
Kaya naman marami na rin ang gumulo sa isipan ko bago pa lang kami nakauwi. Those
thoughts bothered me the whole day in school. Kahit sa catch up ko ng practice sa
Dance Group, iyon pa rin ang naiisip ko. At kung kailan pa ako maraming iniisip,
siya pang pagkakarinig ko ng isang balitang hindi ko inasahan galing sa basketball
players.
"S'yempre matatanggap ang Ate Rowena mo sa steelworks. Malakas Riego roon, e.
Siguro tinulungan ni Jaxon?"
Napabaling ako sa kanilang grupo habang nagliligpit ako ng gamit. Kunot noo akong
nagpatuloy. Pighati at sakit ang nararamdaman habang tinitingnan ang cellphone.
Jaxon:
Sa weekend na tayo mag-usap.
Pagkarating namin kaninang madaling araw, I prioritized that talk with him. Kahit
pa may pasok ako at may trabaho siya. Tapos na rin naman ang trabaho niya ngayong
5PM, ganoon din ako sa practice at school ko. Bakit hindi kami makakapag-usap kung
ganoon? Is he avoiding something? O may iba siyang ginagawa.
Ako:
Bakit hindi ngayon?
Jaxon:
Wala tayong oras na tama. Gagabihin ka lang.
It was a spur of the moment decision for me. I hate delaying what I anticipated the
most. Lalo pang nakapagtulak sa akin ang narinig ko kanina.
"Kuya Lando, ibaba n'yo po muna ako sa baranggay. May kakausapin lang po ako
saglit," sabi ko nang nasa loob na ng sasakyan.
"Sige, Ma'am."
I know he's in their house. Hindi ko maintindihan paano niya nakakayang patagalin
pa itong usapan namin. Hindi ko rin alam bakit iritadong iritado na ako sa puntong
halos manginig na ako sa inis.
I marched out of our SUV. I made it wait on the highway, hindi na pinalapit sa
bahay nina Jaxon. I started texting him while I was walking on the rocky road
towards their house.
Ako:
Nasa labas ako. Mag-usap tayo ngayon.
I waited for him to get out of their house. Hindi na ako lumapit pa. Lumabas naman
siya roon, madilim ang tingin at nagkakasalubong ang makapal na kilay. Tumikhim ako
at napakurap-kurap bahagya. Hindi ko inasahan na ang makita siya pagkatapos ng
isang buwan ay medyo nakakapanibago.
His height, his body, and the feel of him coming at me is suddenly too much. Suot
ang itim na shorts, at kulay abong t-shirt, lumilipad ang utak ko sa hindi sadyang
pamumuri sa kanya. Unti-unti kong nakakalimutan ang ipinunta ko roon o ang galit na
inalagaan. Masyado akong namamangha na nandito siya at nagkikita kaming dalawa. And
then my heart hurt thinking of what's going on in between us.
Wala masyadong tao dahil ang bahay nila ang pinakadulo sa baranggay. The rest of
the people are either on the shore or on the other side so I think it's just okay
talking to him here.
I crossed my arms, careful to not forget about the things that made me so miserable
the past few days. He stopped in leaned on a wrecked cottage just near us. He eyed
me with the same coldness I sensed with his texts. Namamangha ako sa kanya pero
dahil sa titig na iyon, nabalik ako sa tunay na dahilan kung bakit ako
nakikipagkita.
"Why are you so cold to me?" nanginig agad ang boses ko habang naaalala ang
frustrations ko.
Gustong-gusto ko siya pero bakit siya ganito sa akin? Alam kong dapat ko siyang
unawain pero talagang may nararamdaman akong kakaiba.
He shifted a bit, no signs of talking. He only surveyed me with apathetic eyes. Mas
lalo lang akong nadismaya sa trato niya sa akin. I couldn't help spilling all the
thoughts I tried to supress the past days.
"Nakahanap ka na ng iba? Kaya ka ganito?"
His eyes widened a bit. Gusto kong itulak palayo sa isipan ang ideyang nagulat siya
dahil alam ko! I am seriously getting crazy angry and I couldn't seem to handle it
anymore.
"Akala mo hindi ko alam? Pumasok din si Rowena sa tinutuluyan mong kompanya rito,
'di ba?"
"Stop talking about her," he said without rejecting it.
"Why not? Puwede naman kasing iyon ang dahilan kung bakit ganito ka sa akin!"
He closed his eyes a bit. I can sense he's trying to control whatever's left with
his patience.
"You didn't even care that I got here today! Imbes, gusto mo pang patagalin muna
ang pagkikita natin!"
"I am trying to be patient, Amber. Hindi ko gustong magkita tayo na galit ako
sa'yo."
My eyes widened at that. Dumilat siya at mas lalo kong naramdaman ang galit sa
kanyang mga mata. What is it? What's wrong? Why is he angry at me?
"Sapat ba ang galit na 'yan para tratuhin akong ganoon sa ilang linggo nating hindi
pagkikita?" mas iritado kong tanong. "Or you're just making an excuse so you could
get away?"
His bloodshot eyes widened, too. Kitang-kita ko ang pagkakaalerto niya at ang
pagkakapigtas ng inaalagaang lubid ng pasensya. I stopped talking. Kumalat ang
takot sa aking sistema dahil sa nakitang ekspresyon sa kanya.
"Will you stop accusing me of that when it seems like you're the one who's creating
excuses!" he growled.
"What?" mas agresibong kong tanong dahil sa nangungunang iritasyon kesa takot.
I walked towards him. Hindi ko na inalintana ang tangkad niya o ang galit niya.
Galit na galit din ako kaya hindi ko mapigilan ang pagiging agresibo.
"Ikaw ang naunang manlamig sa akin! You're the one who's making excuses here!"
"Hindi ko gustong magkunwaring maayos kung alam kong may problema!"
"Anong problema? Kung may problema ka pala, ba't mo pa pinatagal ng ganito? Ba't
'di mo sinabi sa akin ng maaga-"
"Because I told you I don't want to talk about it over texts and phone calls!"
"Then come on, tell me now, ano ang problema mo? At sasabihin ko rin sa'yo kung ano
ang problema ko sa'yo!" nanggagalaiti ko nang sinabi.
"You cheated!" paratang niya sa akin.
That was a big blow to me. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pinagsasasabi niya. May
naisip ako pero sa takot kong malaman niya ang totoo, hindi ko kayang pag-usapan
kahit konti lang sa bandang iyon.
Huminahon ako. "Anong sinasabi mo..."
"Why are you denying it? You met with your Manila boyfriend! You're making a fool
out of me!"
Uminit ang leeg ko sa sobrang takot at galit na nararamdaman. I can't believe that
he's telling me this.
"That's not true!"
"Bakit hindi mo na lang aminin iyon kung nagkamali ka lang?"
Alam niya ba? Paano? Someone told him? Could it be... Rowena? But does she have
friends among my friends. And for Pete's sake, I didn't cheat!
"Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sinasabi mo. Wala akong ginagawang masama."
Naningkit ang mga mata niya. Disappointment was very evident on his face as he
shook his head. "Hindi ko inakalang sinungaling ka pala."
The rage in me intensified. But maybe it was the guilt and the fear that made me so
furious with his impression on me.
"I didn't cheat! Maybe you did-"
"Sige nga, ikuwento mo sa akin ano ang nangyari pagkatapos ng gabing iyon?"
Natigilan ako sa gulat. He's bluffing. Hindi talaga ako maniniwalang alam niya.
Maaring may nagsabi pero walang ebidensya iyon! Bago pa ako makabawi nagpatuloy na
siya.
"Anong ginawa mo sa club na iyon? Kaibigan lang ba talaga?" he said angrily.
Umawang ang bibig ko. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. Natatakot ako. Natatakot akong
wala naman talaga siyang alam tapos aamin ako ngayon na ganoon nga? Paano kung
magkamali ako?
"I tried to justify all your actions pero hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang tulungan
ka sa isip ko lalo na kung ang mga kaibigan mo mismo ang nagkumpirma na siya ang
boyfriend mo. Bago ka pa napunta rito sa Costa Leona at kahit noong umuwi ka na sa
Manila! May boyfriend ka, hindi ba?"
Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko. Hindi ako makasagot. He mocked a smile.
"So what am I? Your past time here in the province?"
My eyes watered when it dawned on me. Alam niya. Hindi ko alam kung paano at hindi
na importante sa akin iyon. Basta. Alam niya. I know him. Sa konting oras na
nagkakilala kami, alam kong hindi siya ang tipong ganito kapag hindi niya na
kumpirma.
My tears fell. Nakita ko ang bahagyang pag-atras niya kahit na bakas pa rin sa
mukha ang galit at dismaya.
"I was wrong about you. I thought you're an innocent woman badly judged by
everyone," mariin niyang sinabi.
Nanginig ang labi ko. Kinagat ko iyon para tumigil bago magsalita.
"I'm sorry..." that was the only words I could say.
"You tried to lie to me. No... You lied to me..." sabi niya.
"Yes, I did, because I'm scared you'd react this way!" giit ko.
"Of course, I fucking will! Kung ako ba may kahalikang iba, ano ang iisipin mo,
Amber?" he burst out.
Hindi ako nakakibo.
"For sure you'd fucking break up with me, right? So unforgivable! Anong
mararamdaman mo kung malaman mong may girlfriend pala ako habang girlfriend din
kita, huh?"
"Hindi ko ginawa 'yan sa'yo! H-Harper and I already broke up!"
Tumango siya. He mocked a smile again with his bloodshot eyes. I can sense his
overwhelming sarcasm for whatever I have to say.
"Kasi nahuli ko kayo?" paratang niya.
"Ganyan ba ang tingin mo sa akin, Jax? Ganyan ka baba ang tingin mo? Break na kami
bago pa nagpasukan!"
He looked away. I can sense that he's really not forgiving.
"Wala na kami noon-"
"So why would you kiss him-"
"I was drunk!"
"And lie to me? Gusto mo pa siya? O kinukumpara mo lang kung sinong mas magaling sa
aming dalawa. Just double checking to know which one should really stay-"
Sobrang sakit ng kamay kong dumapo sa pisngi niya. His golden tanned face reddened
with the mark of my slap. Alam kong may pagkakamali ako pero hindi ko kayang
pakinggan ang sinasabi niya para sa akin.
"So that's your opinion of me?"
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I watch him not backing down. Nakatiim ang bagang
niya, madilim at walang awa ang tingin sa akin. I can sense that he's not sorry
with anything he said.
"I already said I'm sorry..." sabay hikbi ko.
Umiwas ang tingin niya sa akin.
"I was drunk. I didn't know what happeened."
Mas lalong umigting ang panga niya habang pinapakinggan ako. Bumuhos pa lalo ang
luha ko. I feel so hurt and I couldn't seem to handle it so well. Mas lalo akong
nasasaktan na hindi man lang ako kayang aluin ni Jaxon habang umiiyak ako sa
harapan niya.
"You know what happened. Pero pinili mong magsinungaling."
Hindi ko matigil ang pag-iyak ko. For some reason the hurt I'm feeling is so
intense that it made me so weak. Ni hindi ko kaya nang ipagtanggol ang sarili ko.
Isa pa, mas lalo lang akong nasasaktan kasi alam kong tama siya. Kasalanan ko nga.
"I said I'm sorry," I almost whispered through the hurtful tears.
"Hindi ko na alam kung maniniwala ba ako sa'yo," he said bitterly.
"Jax? Andyan ka lang pala! Akala ko nasa loob ka ng bahay n'yo?" may narinig akong
boses sa 'di kalayuan, sa likod ni Jaxon.
One glance through the tears and I knew who it was. Nagtatakang nakatingin si
Rowena sa aming dalawa. Napawi ang ngiti niya nang nakita kaming nag-uusap. Hindi
na rin naman siya nakisali o lumapit.
"Mamaya na, Rowena. Nag-uusap pa kami ni Amber-" Jaxon said coldly.
That hurt me too. I couldn't understand but I feel so broken now. Hindi na rin niya
naman ako magagawang pakinggan o paniwalaan, ano pang silbi ng lahat ng ito? I lied
and I cheated. He's right. Kung ako ang nagawan niya ng ganoon, baka higit pa ang
ginawa ko sa kanya ngayon.
"If this is the end of your opinion of me, then why don't we just break up? Right
now?"
Hindi nagsalita si Jaxon.
"Jax, anong nangyayari?" Rowena asked that made me angrier.
Hindi na nagsalita si Jaxon. Nanatili siyang nakatayo sa parehong madilim na
ekspresyon.
"Break na tayo! Magsama kayong dalawa! Tutal mukha namang habang wala ako, kayo
na!"
"I'm not like you..." he whispered each word with so much wrath.
He tried to block my way, imprisoning me where I stand. I pushed him so hard just
so I could run towards our SUV.
"Anong nangyayari riyan, Jax?" baritonong boses ang umalingawngaw galing kay Tito
Achilles.
That weakened him a bit. I took that opportunity to run as fast as I can towards
our SUV, with no turning back.
Walang tigil ang iyak at galit ko sa ilang linggo pang nagdaan. Hindi humupa iyon.
Tingin ko, ganoon din para sa kanya. There are days when I see him near our school.
Days when I see him try to make time for me but I refused to give him that.
Didiretso ang takbo ko sa SUV at sa huli, wala siyang magagawa.
Hindi nakatulong na magarbong inaanunsyo ng kapatid ni Rowena sa lahat na
nagkakamabutihan na ang ate niya at si Jaxon. At halos wala na akong pakealam kung
magalit man ang grupo sa akin tuwing sinasabi nilang pupunta kina Evelyn at
tatanggi ako. I would do my part, but I won't be there.
Hindi rin nakatulong na naririnig ko ang away galit ni Mommy sa cellphone habang
katawagan si Daddy. Hindi nakatulong na wala akong mapagsabihan sa lahat ng ito.
Hindi ko kaya. And maybe, that fateful afternoon was one of the reasons why
everything crashed.
"Amber... Amber..." si Mommy.
"P-Po?" napa baling ako sa kanya.
May kasama siyang lalaki. If I am not mistaken, he's in his late twenties or early
thirties. I'm not sure which. Binase ko lang din ang hula ko sa kanyang tangkad at
ayos. The man was tall, large, and handsome. Sa damit niyang coat at puting inner
button down shirt, I knew then that he's one of my Mom's expected guest for today.
Ilang araw akong tulala, kung hindi umiiyak. Sa Sabadong ito, nakaupo lang ako sa
lounger namin, tulala at maraming iniisip. Masama rin ang pakiramdam, dala na rin
siguro ng kalungkutan sa lahat ng nangyari sa akin.
"You seem bored this past few days, hija..." she said with her usual languid tone.
Nakangiti si Mommy at panay ang balik ng tingin sa kasamang lalaki. I have secretly
known weird things about my Mom. Ayaw kong isali ito sa mga kaisipang iyon lalo
na't mukhang malabo iyon base sa edad pero hindi ko maiwasan dahil sa pakikitungo
ni Mommy.
The man put his hands on his pocket. Palakaibigan ang ngiti niya pero may kung ano
sa mga matang hindi ko mabasa. Tumayo ako, bilang paggalang.
"Ang mabuti samahan mo kami ni Engineer sa dating pag-aari nila rito. Malapit lang
naman sa atin," Mommy said.
"Po?" sumulyap ulit ako sa lalaki.
He's an Engineer. Maybe part sa pag-aayos sa hotel. I can be relieved now. I
sighed.
"This is Andres. Andres, this is Amber, my daughter." Mommy smiled at him.
"Andres..." naglahad ng kamay si Andres sa akin.
Tinanggap ko naman iyon. Ginapangan ako ng hiya sa hindi malamang dahilan
pagkatapos tanggapin ang kamay nito.
"Halika, Amber. Andres will show us their old manor just near here..." si Mommy at
nagpatuloy sa paglalakad patungo sa dalampasigan.
Ilang saglit na tumitig si Andres sa akin bago siya sumunod kay Mommy. Ganoon din
ako.
"She's already eighteen and... maganda, hindi ba, Andres?" medyo malisyosong sinabi
ni Mommy sa lalaking iyon.
Hinagilap ni Mommy ang kamay ko at hinila palapit sa kanya. Malamyos akong
inakbayan ni Mommy sabay tingin kay Andres. Tumawa lamang ang lalaki.
"I can see that, Madame. Your daughter is indeed very pretty."
Hindi ako makagiti kahit na ngumiti naman ang lalaki sa akin. May nararamdaman
akong kung ano sa kuwento ni Mommy. Bumaling siya sa akin.
"You know, back then, the age difference bothered me. Eventually, I realized that
it's okay, Andres."
Hindi ko pa nalalaman kung ano ang sinasabi ni Mommy pero may pakiramdam na ako
kung tungkol saan iyon. I removed my hand on her as protest but she only looked at
me and continued.
"You should know now that arranged marriage is how your family did it back in the
days, right?"
Tumawa si Andres. "I know that. It never worked for them. If you know what I
mean..."
I knew it! Magpoprotesta na sana ako pero nagulat ako nang tumigil si Andres sa
bahay ng kapatid ni Jaxon. He looked at the whole house in a dreamyand sad way
before he looked at my Mother who couldn't even think about anything else but her
proposed business to this man!
Hindi ito ang unang narinig ko ang katagang iyon kay Mommy. And it disgusts me
everytime!
"But never worked for your family because they wanted the wrong people," si Mommy.
Bumaling si Andres sa aming dalawa ni Mommy. I glared at him. Alam kong si Mommy
ang nagsasabi pero gusto kong malaman niya na hindi ko gusto ang tono ng sarili
kong ina.
"I'm sorry, Madame. I am already taken."
"Alam ko ang nangyari, Andres," si Mommy. "Mukhang malupit pa rin ang tadhana sa
inyo."
The man smirked. "Mas malupit ako sa tadhana, Madame. Kaya nasisiguro kong hindi
problema ang kahit ano."
Mommy's smile faded. Ngayon, imbes sa lalaki tumingin, bumaling na sa mansion sa
harap namin. Andres looked at the mansion, too. They own this? Bago pa may
magsalita muli sa dalawang nag-uusap, may narinig kami sa likod.
"Andres, ikaw pala..."
It was a familiar voice to me that I immediately turned around. Si Tito Achilles
iyon at sa likod niya, si Jaxon na malamig ang tingin sa akin. I swallowed hard at
that. Umatras akong bahagya at sinamahan din iyon ng hila ni Mommy sa akin patungo
sa kanyang likod. Jaxon's eyes followed me like a hawk to its prey.
Andres and Tito Achilles shook hands. Ganoon din si Jaxon at Andres. Ilang saglit
lang at nasa akin ulit ang titig niya. Umatras ako lalo at nagpalikod kay Mommy.
Humalukipkip si Mommy. Tito Achilles watched her closely.
"Kayo pala ang nakabili ng sa mansion nila," Mommy said in an insulting tone.
"Nabili ni Sibal. Pinaayos na rin," kalmadong sinabi ni Tito Achilles.
"Malapit pa talaga sa amin ang napili..." Mommy chuckled a bit.
"Mas gusto rin kasi ng anak ko na hindi na kalayuan sa bahay."
Mommy glided a bit. Her long dress swayed and I moved to be in her shadows. Jax's
eyes is piercing me that i wanted a shield.
"Well... Well... Will that mean that your family will be around our lands often?"
Nilingon ako ni Mommy. She's smiling at me but I can sense her insults towards the
Riegos.
Kinabahan ako roon. Andres stood there watching Tito and Mommy talking riddles.
"Huwag kang mag-alala, ibibilin ko sa mga anak ko na huwag lalapit sa inyo."
Tumawa si Mommy sabay tingin kay Tito Achilles. Walang nakakatawa para kay Tito.
Kung ano man, nakatitig lang siya ng seryoso kay Mommy. Dapat makitaan ko siya ng
galit pero wala rin iyon sa ekspresyon niya.
"Mabuti na lang at matalino itong anak kong si Amber. Mag-iisang taon na rito,
hindi man lang nalapit sa inyo." Mommy said with certainty. "My daughter won't rub
elbows with poor men, anyway. Hindi ba, Amber?"
It was a rhetorical question. Kinabahan pa rin ako.
"She'll only be attracted with men like Andres..." Mommy smiled.
Uminit ang pisngi ko. Andres smiled at Mommy then bumaling ulit sa akin. Napatingin
ako kay Jaxon na ngayon ay nakatitig na rin kay Andres sa madilim na tingin.
Walang nagsalitang kahit na sino. Maging ako, hindi ko kayang magsalita habang
ganoon ang mood ni Mommy. Then she sighed dramatically.
"Anyway, hija, kahit matalino ka, I'm surprised it didn't cross your mind to..."
she looked at Jaxon. "Befriend or be close to this man's son para lang makabalik ka
ng Manila at magkita na ulit kayo ng boyfriend mong si Harper."
What the?
"M-Mom-"
"Kung iyon sana ang ginawa mo, that would've been very effective for me! Plano n'yo
palang gawan ng paraan para makabalik ka ng Manila sa lalong madaling panahon.
Befriending his son would push me to drag you out of here and back in Manila. In no
time..." she smiled at me.
Hindi ako makapaniwala. Jaxon looked so shocked and angry. Naramdaman ko ang sobra-
sobra niyang galit at hindi ko maunawaan paano niya hindi naipasabog iyon habang
nagsasalita pa si Mommy!
"Sayang, 'di ba? Magkapiling na sana kayo ni Harper ngayon ulit, kung kinaibigan mo
lang ang mga ito. Well... you wouldn't do that. No matter how bad you want to go
home, you just can't stand these sorry excuse of a man-"
"Maria Emilia-" mariin kahit na mahinahong tawag ni Tito Achilles kay Mommy.
"Yes, Achilles! You are an example of a low-class man!"
She chuckled and walked out. Laglag panga akong namangha sa sinabi ni Mommy na
hindi agad ako nakasunod sa kanya.
"Amber..." mahinahong tawag ni Tito Achilles.
"S-Sorry po..." sabi ko sabay sunod kay Mommy nang hindi na sila nilingon pang
muli.

[ 20 Kabanata18 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 18
Blindly
I know I couldn't change a thing. Looking back at it all now, I know where I was
wrong. It was a struggle to finally forgive myself for it. But when life won't give
you a choice, there is no other way but to forget and move on. Because now I know
there are far more important things than longing, and that is to appreciate
whatever I have in the present.
Sa takot, galit, at gulat para sa lahat ng nasabi ni Mommy sa kay Tito Achilles,
hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko.
"Mom! Mommy, what did you do?" I said in a very frustrated tone.
Sinundan ko siya papasok ng mansyon. Mabilis ang pintig ng puso ko. Puno ng pighati
ang nararamdaman ko kaya hindi ko na napigilang ibuhos iyon. Umakyat si Mommy sa
hagdanan habang ako, nagpaplano pa rin na sundan siya roon.
"Mom!" I shouted a bit carried away.
She stopped and turned to me. Natigil din ako sa pagsunod sa kanya sa hagdanan. My
heart boomed when I saw her cruel expression. Her eys were bloodshot and her chest
moving up and down as her breathing increased rapidly.
"Bakit mo sinabi iyon kay Tito?! Hindi totoo ang sinabi mo tungkol sa amin ni
Harper, Mommy! At talagang hindi ko gagawin iyon para lang makauwi ako ng Manila!"
I said bravely.
"Why are you so worried? I don't care what they will think, Amber. At dapat wala ka
ring pakealam doon-"
"I care about what you said, Mommy! I care about them! I care about Tito Achilles
and... Jax... Mommy, I don't know what's with you and Tito Achilles but I know it's
been a long time! He's moved on, clearly. So let it be! Ayokong isipin nila na
masama akong tao dahil sa sinabi mo, Mommy. Ayokong isipin ni Jaxon iyon!"
Bumaba siya ng isang baitang at natigil ako sa pagsasalita.
"At kailan ka pa nagkaroon ng pakealam sa anak ni Achilles? You don't even know
him, Amber!"
Nagulat ako roon. Sa sobrang frustration ko, hindi ko na naisip na maaaring masabi
ko kay Mommy ang tungkol sa amin ni Jaxon. If that happens, I know what she will
do! Naghiwalay na kami ni Jaxon at marami na akong naririnig tungkol sa kanya at
kay Rowena pero hindi ko mapigilan ang huwag umasa ng kahit konti. Leaving Costa
Leona will only make my small hope vanish!
Bumaba si Mommy sa hagdanan ng paunti-unti. Nanliit ang mga mata niya habang
mapanuri akong tinitingnan. Hindi ko naman siya matingnan ng diretso dahil sa takot
na mabasa niya ang iniisip ko.
"Now I wonder... are you friends with his son, Amber?" marahan ngunit may laman ang
bawat salita ni Mommy.
Hindi ako nagsalita. Naestatwa lang ako roon. Nakababa na si Mommy sa hagdanan at
nakalapit na sa akin. My view is the long skirt of her dress. It swayed around me
as she continue her inquiries.
"Why are you so affected? So what if that family thinks that way?"
"Ayoko p-pong isipin nila na m-masamang tao ako-"
"Reserve that sentiment for the people you love and care about. Ano ngayon kung
isipin ng mga taong iyon na masamang tao ka?"
Hindi ako nakakibo. I am so guilty. I want so bad to tell her the truth but I'm
scared she'll really drag me out of here.
"Something wrong, Amber?" she said in a relaxed but obviously suspiscious tone.
"Galit na galit ka sa sinabi ko, ah? Are you friends with Jaxon Riego?"
Hindi pa rin ako nagsalita. Tumigil siya sa paglalakad at bumuntong-hininga.
"Well, if you want to be played with, go ahead. His sons are like him. Playboys and
heartbreakers. You'd be running for the hills if you start being attracted with
that boy. Hindi na kita kailangang piliting umalis dahil ikaw na mismo ang
lalayas."
Nagkibit balikat si Mommy.
"I... destroyed... their life," Mommy said with clarity. "I won't be surprised if
they try to destroy yours. Kaya huwag mo nang simulan pang kilalanin ang lalaking
iyon. Don't give him a chance to know you."
"They are good people..." I croaked out bravely.
Mommy smirked. "Let's see if you can say that after your heart is broken."
Dumiretso siya sa hagdanan. Sa kalagitnaan, nilingon niyang muli ako.
"But you're heart won't be broken. I'll make sure of that. Unless tatanga-tanga
kang aasa kahit na halata namang babaero iyon," she said and continued.
Hindi ko alam kung plano ba iyon ni Mommy at sinasadya niya o talagang tama siya sa
lahat ng sinabi niya. My security doubled. Hindi lang si Kuya Lando ang kasama ko
patungo sa school, may dagdag pang dalawang bodyguard. The bodyguards don't leave
me, too. They stay outside my classrooms.
There were times when I see Jaxon near our school but I don't know the end of it.
Uuwi na lang ako kasama ang bodyguards at driver. And on weekends, I wasn't allowed
to go to my classmates for anything. I would eat lunch with Mommy on the hotel at
minsan niya nang tinanong ang waitress, out of the blue, about something that she
thought may concern me.
"May girlfriend ba si Jaxon Riego?" she asked.
Nagulat ako roon. Namilog ang mga mata ko.
"Opo. Iyong kaibigan at kapitbahay po nilang si Rowena," diretsahang sagot ng
waitress.
"Kailan pa? Matagal na sila?"
"Matagal na po silang madalas magkasama pero bago lang po ata nagkarelasyon."
Mommy smiled with satisfaction. Umalis ang waitress. Sinundan ko iyon ng tingin.
Pain attacked my heart and tears started to form in my eyes. Lately, I feel sick
and tired. Tingin ko sa mga problema.
"That relieved me. Hindi ka guguluhin noon kasi may girlfriend na pala..." si Mommy
sabay inom ng wine, nakatitig sa akin.
Hindi ako nakagalaw. Nanatili lang akong nakatitig sa pagkain ko hanggang sa
naramdaman ang pagkakahilo.
"Excuse me..." sabi ko at tumayo para makapunta muna sa bathroom to fix myself.
I don't want to breakdown in front of my Mom. I thought I'd only cry even with the
evident sick feeling in me. I was wrong. Kasabay ng pag-iyak ko ang pagsusuka. Doon
ako nagsimulang kabahan.
Everything in my life went downhill. Mommy lost the money for the renovation of the
hotels. Babayaran ni Daddy iyon pero nagkaproblema rin siya sa kanya. He invested
on the wrong stocks and with the failing economy, mas lalo pang naging sakit sa ulo
iyon. Bukod pa roon, hindi lang sa kanya ang pinapahamak niya, maraming mayayamang
kakilala ang naki invest din sa kanya. They trusted Daddy so much that they
invested millions and millions with him. Now my Dad is in debt because of it.
Humingi ng tulong si Mommy kay Lolo. He paid some close family friends but Dad had
to run to another country to protect himself. Iyong iba kasing nag-invest, nagiging
bayolente na sa kanya, to the point of death threats. So while fixing everything,
he moved to the US to protect himself.
Daddy wants us to go with him. Nahuli lang talaga dahil sa pride ni Mommy. She
doesn't want to leave the country. She can't even believe that there is a need for
us to leave... that our life is taking a turn.
Kung kailan pa nangyari ang lahat lahat ng ito, 'tsaka pa ako nabuntis. At kung
kailan ko pa nalaman, 'tsaka kinuha sa akin.
Labis ang iyak ko nang narinig ang sinabi ng doktor tungkol sa pagkawala ng baby
ko. We were already in Manila when he explained it to us. Grief consummed me. Along
with my Mommy's words.
"Wala ka talagang maaasahan sa mga Riego, hija. If he indeed loved you in the first
place, why was he with another girl?" he whispered to me before we got to the
hospital.
Tulala lang ako. Walang masabing kahit ano. Ang isipan nasa baby lang na nawala ko.
Alam kong naisip kong hindi pa ako handa sa ganito. I'm not sure if I'll be a good
mother. I'm scared I'll lose my dreams. I'm scared I'll lose everything. But now
that I lost the baby, I realized that I'd rather lose my dreams.
Kaya naman hindi ako makapaniwala sa sinabi ng doktor pagkatapos niyang iexplain
ang tungkol sa pagkawala ng isa kong anak. I miscarried one of the twins I am
carrying. In so much awe of it all, I squinted at the doctor for a minute.
"You need to take extra care of your body now, Miss Sevilla. I know you think
you're too young for this but you're a woman. Your body is made to endure this
miracle. I hope you find it in you to hope an persevere. For your child."
Hindi na nagsalita si Mommy. Hindi na kami nag-usap pa. I am in shock with
everything and I think, she is, too. Nanghingi siya ng tulong kay Lolo kaya hindi
na kami nagtagal pa sa Manila. Mabilis kaming sumunod kay Daddy sa ibang bansa.
Ni hindi na ako nagkaroon ng opportunity na makausap ang kahit na sino sa mga
kaibigan ko. Everything was so fast for me na huli na ang lahat nang nabalik ako sa
aking wisyo.
It was a cold night in our home in New Jersey. Tulog na dapat ako pero nagising ako
sa gitna ng gabi dahil sa naririnig kong boses sa labas. Mommy and Daddy have been
fighting. I've known it. They only fight at night, iyong tulog na ako, para hindi
ko marinig ang kahit ano.
Alam ko rin ang mga pinag-aawayan nila. Akala lang nila hindi ko naririnig pero ang
totoo, nagigising ako.
The past nights I heard Mommy getting mad at Daddy. Ayaw manghingi ng tulong ni Dad
kay Lolo. He refused Lolo's aid and told him that he can pay for his debts and that
his investment will return eventually. That his friends just have to wait. Si Mommy
naman, gusto nang tulungan si Daddy. She said it was clearly a scam and the scandal
will only worsen if they don't stop now.
Gabi-gabi, ganoon. Pero sa gabing ito, iba ang pinag-aawayan nilang dalawa.
"Gaudencio! Hindi mo ba nakikita ang anak mo? Amber is just eighteen and pregnant!
Her hopes and dreams were crushed! She's sad and feeling so alone!" giit ni Mommy
kay Daddy.
"Hindi ibig sabihin noon na ipapamigay mo na siya, Maria Emilia!"
Hinawakan ko ang hamba ng pintuan. Binuksan ko iyon kanina ng kaonti para mas
marinig ang away nila.
"Hindi ko siya ipapamigay! We are losing so much already and if we don't do
anything about it-"
"Do it your way?" umalingawngaw ang sigaw ni Daddy. "Wala ka bang paninindigan? Our
daughter can raise her child alone! We can support them!"
"Makakain ba iyang paninindigan mo? If Papa is right and all your investments fail,
I can pay for everything, Dencio, pero paano tayo? Paano ang anak natin? Paano ang
apo mo? Ha? Can we just set aside the talk about principles and for once be
practical?"
"Ano ang sasabihin ng lahat ng mga kakilala natin-"
"Iyan din ang tanong ko sa'yo! Walang may alam na buntis ang anak natin! Ano ang
sasabihin ng mga tao kapag nalamang nanganak siya at wala tayong maipapakita na
asawa niya? That would be a disgrace!"
"And you think marrying her with an old man is not, huh?"
Slowly, I closed the door. I shivered. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa narinig ko galing
sa dalawa. At lagi, kapag nakikinig ako, naiiyak na lang ako sa huli. This is the
worst of it all. I couldn't stop crying until dawn. My chest hurt and I realized
that I am hurting myself too much. Hindi ko naisip na dalawa pala kami rito. Na
kapag nasasaktan ako, masasaktan ko rin siya. Kaya simula noon, kahit na alam kong
nag-aaway si Mommy at Daddy, hindi na ako nakikinig.
I have given the whole family so much pain and shame. Hindi sinabi ni Mommy at
Daddy kahit kanino ang pagbubuntis ko. Hindi na rin ako nagsikap na makipag-usap sa
kahit kanino sa mga kaibigan ko. Pinutol ko lahat ng koneksyon ko sa kanila. I was
just so miserable and tired. Dagdagan pa ng mga alam ko tungkol sa plano ni Mommy
sa akin.
Nikolai de la Vega is just a few years younger than my Mommy. Nang bumisita siya sa
bahay namin sa New Jersey, wala akong maibibigay sa kanya kundi ang matalim na mga
tingin ko.
Nilipat ko kay Mommy ang matalim kong titig. Ngiting ngiti si Mommy kay Nikolai
habang si Daddy naman ay tahimik at istriktong nagpatuloy sa pagkain. I cannot
believe all of these. I cannot believe how cruel my Mom is.
I know Nikolai even before because he was one of her most prominent rumored other
man. Ang sinabi lang ni Mommy kanina, magbabrunch kami rito sa bahay kasama ang
isang kaibigan niyang ipapakilala niya sa akin. I knew then what she was trying to
say. I knew then that this was part of her plan for me.
"How are you feeling, Amber?" tanong ni Nikolai sa akin pagkatapos uminom ng kape.
"I'm fine..." nanginig ang labi ko habang tinitingnan ang pagkain ko.
"Nakaka adjust ka na ba sa weather at pamumuhay rito?" he asked.
"Hindi pa. Naka ilang linggo pa lang ako," sabi ko nang 'di siya tinitingnan.
"You will soon get used to everything here, Amber. I'm sure of that. You're still
young so it won't be hard for you."
Sumulyap ako kay Daddy. I can't believe he's letting this happen. Usap-usapan na
kabit ni Mommy si Nikolai de la Vega! Matagal nang patay ang mga asawa nito at ang
mga lalaking anak, halos, may mga asawa na rin! And Mommy is trying to pair us!
This is so sick! I want so bad to vomit! Kung hindi lang ako nagpipigil ng
nararamdaman dahil sa dinadalang anak, baka kanina pa ako sumabog dito sa hapag.
It's disgusting!
The rest of the time, I didn't know what they were talking about. Dad was a bit
fond of him because he's a natural joker. Mom, too. And I hated her so much this
time. Hindi lang dahil sa plano niya kundi sa naiisip kong nasa likod ng totoong
plano niya!
If I marry Nikolai de la Vega, they'd be so close! Who knows she's just using this
opportunity to get close to him, too! So she has an excuse to be with him kahit na
nandyan si Daddy! Nakakasuka si Mommy! I know she was then cruel but I never
thought she'd be this cheap!
"What was that, Mom?" atake ko kay Mommy pagkatapos nilang ihatid sa labas si
Nikolai.
Umalis na ito gamit ang maganda niyang sasakyan. He's a known hotelier in the
Philippines. They are from a very wealthy clan, as well. Kaya alam kong posible nga
itong nakakasukang plano ni Mommy. Lalo na't hindi ito ang unang pagkakataon na
nireto niya ako sa kahit na sino, basta mayaman!
"What, Amber?" pa inosenteng sinabi ni Mommy.
Nilingon ko si Daddy na ngayon ay malungkot na lang na umiling. Nangilid ang luha
ko. He seems so helpless these days. But I should let them know that I don't need a
man to cover up my mistakes! Or a man to lift me up from all of these!
Pagkapanganak ko, magtatrabaho agad ako rito habang nag-aaral! Sisiguraduhin ko
'yan!
"Bakit mo pinapakilala sa akin ang lalaking iyon?" mariin kong tanong.
"Amber, calm down. You're pregnant. You should just rest," si Daddy.
I can't believe it! Hindi ako naniniwalang hindi alam ni Daddy kung sino si
Nikolai! Hindi rin ako makapaniwalang kaya niyang sikmurain ang lahat ng ito.
"Dad! Dad, why are you letting this happen to us?"
Nilapitan ako ni Daddy at inalo. Hinawakan niya ang magkabilang braso ko habang
kinukumbinsi na na tumigil.
"Amber, calm down, please-"
"Dad! Hindi ko kailangan ng lalaki para makabangon! Hindi ko kailangan ng lalaki-"
"At anong sasabihin mo sa anak mo paglaki niya, Amber?" singit ni Mommy.
Sa iritasyon ko kay Mommy, nilingon ko siya, sobrang talim ang tingin at
nanggigigil na sa galit.
"Shut up!" I cried so hard.
Hinawakan ako ni Daddy dahil gigil na gigil na akong sumugod kay Mommy.
"For years I followed you! For years I accepted everything that you said! Pero
ngayon, hindi ko na kaya ang kawalang hiyaan mo, Mommy!"
"Amber, tama na!" si Daddy.
Nagulat si Mommy sa asal ko. She stood there in shock with what I said.
"Akala mo hindi ko alam? Akala mo hindi ko nababasa ang gusto mong gawin ngayon?
Ha?"
"Amber..." marahang at mas kalmadong sinabi ni Mommy.
"Kabit mo 'yon, 'di ba? Daddy, that's Nikolai de la Vega! Don't tell me you don't
know about him and Mom!" I screamed.
"Amber! Hindi mo alam ang sinasabi mo! Please, calm down, anak!" sigaw na rin ni
Daddy sa akin.
Napaatras ako sa sinabi ni Daddy. Nakita niya ang gulat ko kaya bumuntong-hininga
siya at muli akong sinubukang hawakan. Tears streamed down my cheeks like
waterfalls as I watch my two broken parents in front of me. Dad, helpless and calm.
Mommy, shocked and in awe.
"Gusto mong pakasalan ko ang kabit mo? Can't you see how sick is that, Mom? Are you
that desperate to cover me up? Or does it benefit you so much that you want it?"
"Amber, huwag kang magsalita ng ganyan! She's your mother!" si Daddy na hindi alam
ang sinasabi.
Can't he see it? Masyado niya bang mahal si Mommy para hindi maisipan ng masama?
"Hindi ko kabit si Nikolai. We're just good friends, hija. A-And your father can
testify-"
"Daddy is in love with you! Hindi siya makakaisip ng masama sa'yo at
pinagsasamantalahan mo iyon! I know you better! I know that you can't get over
someone from the past! I know that you're frustrated kaya ka may kabit, 'di ba-"
Natigil ako sa pagsasalita nang isang sampal ang iginawad ni Mommy sa akin. Tears
rolled down her eyes after it. Mabilis niya akong inalo, nagsisi sa biglaang nagawa
pero tinulak ko siya palayo sa akin.
"Maria Emilia, your daughter is pregnant! Stop it!" si Daddy.
Bago ko pa man marinig ang pagtatalo nila o 'di kaya'y sasabihin sa akin, tumakbo
na ako patungo sa kuwarto at nagkulong.
Nagpatuloy ang pag-iyak ko sa kuwarto. Ilang araw ko ring gustong magkulong. Kung
hindi ko lang kailangang kumain ng tama para sa anak ko, ayoko na talagang lumabas
ng kuwarto.
Kinatok ako ni Daddy pagkatapos ng dalawang araw. At kahit hindi ko pinahintulutan,
pumasok siya roon ng tahimik. Sumulyap lang ako sa kanya habang niyayakap ang mga
tuhod, nakaupo sa kama. Tahimik si Daddy nang lumapit sa akin. His sad eyes melted
my heart. And my heart melted more when the only sincere man who loves me held my
cheeks.
Nang nalaman ni Daddy na buntis ako pagkarating namin dito, wala siyang sinabing
kahit anong masama para sa akin. Nagulat lang siya, tinitigan akong umiiyak at sa
huli bumuntong hininga at bumaling kay Mommy. Mommy cried then. She wailed saying
that all my dreams are crushed. I won't be a model anymore. Hindi niya alam saan
sila nagkulang sa pagpapaliwanag ng moralidad sa akin. Marami pang iba. Isa lang
ang sinabi ni Daddy sa akin.
"Magpahinga ka na sa kuwarto," that was his only words for me.
I love my parents. But this time, I can't help it. I hate mommy. I only love Daddy.
I am on his side all the way. And if I were to choose who I want to be with between
them, si Daddy ang pipiliin ko.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
Hindi ako sumagot. Ayokong sagutin siya sa totoo kong nararamdaman. Natatakot akong
mas lalo siyang malulungkot. He already feels that all of these is because of him.
Ayoko ring magsinungaling at sabihin sa kanyang ayos lang ako. Si Daddy na lang ang
mapagsasabihan ko. Hindi ko kayang magsinungaling pa sa kanya.
"I'm sorry all of these happened, Amber."
Umawang ang labi ko at nanginig. Wala siyang kasalanan sa lahat ng ito! Bakit niya
inaako iyon?
"If I have only been a better father-"
"Dad! You are the best father in the world! Stop saying that!"
He smiled sadly and continued. "Pasensya na, anak. Alam kong nahihirapan ka sa mga
gustong ipagawa ng Mommy mo sa'yo. I understand that she only wants to secure you
and my grandchild..."
Hinaplos niya ang tiyan ko. Hindi pa ito sobrang laki pero tama na para makitang
buntis nga ako.
"No, Dad. She's just doing this for herself. Kabit niya ang lalaking iyon, Daddy.
And she's sick for making me marry that man!"
Daddy sighed. "She just wants to secure your future. I am old..."
"No!" sabay hawak ko sa kamay ni Daddy pero nagpatuloy siya.
"Walang kabit ang Mommy mo, anak."
"Matagal ko nang alam, Daddy. Matagal nang usap-usapan ng mga kasambahay, ng mga
kakilala. Dad, I know it hurts but-"
"Nikolai is a friend of mine. I know him and I know why he's close with your Mom.
They are just friends."
"Mommy is clouding your mind, Dad-"
Hinaplos ni Daddy ang mukha ko. Natigil ako sa pagsasalita. Nagkatinginan kaming
dalawa. Ang wrinkles sa gilid ng kanyang mga mata, ang kulay abong buhok, at ang
malulungkot na mga mata. Parang pinupunit ang puso ko habang tinitingnan siya.
"Your mother is cruel to many people. She's arrogant, rude at times, and very
bossy. But, Amber, I know who I married. I know her flaws, her weaknesses, and her
sorrows. I memorized it all. I love her but not blindly. Kaya alam ko ang sinasabi
ko. Believe in her, no matter if she's difficult most of the time. Believe in her,"
he said.
Patuloy ako sa pag-iling. Hindi ko pa rin kayang maniwala o umintindi. My faith is
starting to shake.
"That's an old man, Dad! And I don't love him! I don't like him! I don't wanna be
married to anyone! I can raise the child alone! Pagkapanganak ko, hindi ako aasa sa
inyo ni Mommy! Magtatrabaho ako, Dad! Ayokong magpasakal! Women these days can do
it without a husband! For sure I can do it, too!"
"Yes, darling." He nodded. "I know. I will talk to your Mom about it."
Iyon na rin ang pinag-awayan nila ni Mommy sa nagdaang araw. Mommy wanted to
protect my image, or as she said, protect her grandchild. She strongly wants me to
get involved with Nikolai de la Vega. She wants me to try and talk to him. She
wants me to entertain him. Walang magawa si Daddy kaya madalas pa rin ang lalaki sa
bahay. Nagkukulong ako minsan pero hindi na rin maiwasan na lumabas at mahalubilo
siya madalas.
Nakumbinsi ko si Mommy tungkol sa hindi ko pagpapakasal kay Nikolai. Mommy soon
agreed but she was bitter for many weeks. Until she gave me an option to come to a
big and grand party with Nikolai in New York, with their friends and his family. It
was so hard for me but she promised that she'd stop bothering me about it if I did
so I had no choice.
It was hell for me. It was disgusting. It stressed me out so much until I started
talking to that man. Until I knew him. Until I realized what he was and what this
is all about. Until I slowly began to appreciate him as a friend to me. Until I
began smiling again with his jokes. Until I understood everything.

[ 21 Kabanata19 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 19
Death
Sa byahe patungong New York, nagkausap kami ni Nikolai. I was then very defensive.
A night with him, even with the adjacent room offer made me want to vomit nonstop.
It's disgusting. I have been so mean to him about it. I told him boldly how I am so
disgusted with my Mom and him. At mas lalo na sa kanya, para pumayag sa kahibangang
gusto ni Mommy.
Pity, guilt, and sadness was what I felt after he told me everything about him. It
makes sense now. Why he needs to have a girl by his side, no matter the age. It
makes sense now why there is a need for me to act it. Ngunit hindi pa rin iyon
naging sapat upang maging kumportable akong samahan siya sa isang malaking party na
gaganapin sa isa ring magandang hotel.
On that party were his family - his sons, his father, his brothers, and some of
their closest family friends. My parents didn't join us even when they were
invited, too.
Pinakilala ako sa pamilya niya and he was, indeed, right. All the de la Vega men
excudes confidence, arrogance, and charisma of an alpha male. They have extreme
opinion towards the otherwise. The patriarchy is very strong that it all
borderlines to hostility.
Nakatitig ang nakababatang anak ni Nikolai sa akin. Ilang taon lang siguro ang
tanda niya sa akin at hindi man lang nagkaroon ng pandidiri o pagtutol sa dala ng
ama. They were even praising him for having me with them.
"We're not on that level, Klaus," si Nikolai.
Tumawa si Klaus. "I know you, Dad. And it's okay, alright?"
I shifted uncomfortably on my seat. I feel awkward already. Nikolai is the heir and
eldest son of the de la Vegas. Kaya sa kanya nakatuon ang atensyon. Sa akin. But I
appreciate how he denied queries about us being a thing.
"I'll just go to the powder room," sabi ko pagkatapos ng halos dalawang oras na
pakikihalubilo roon.
"Samahan na kita," Nikolai said in a very gentle manner.
Tumango ako. "Alright."
I still couldn't process everything that he told me habang nasa kotse kami kanina.
Hindi na rin naman niya ako minadali noon kaya mas lalo akong nagkaroon ng space
para maka obserba sa ano mang gagawin niya.
Ngayon ko lang napasadahan ng maayos ang mga bisitang naroon. I realized, some of
the visitors were our family friends, too. They recognize me that some even tried
to stop me from walking for a chat.
"Kumusta, Amber!"
"H-Hi, Tita!"
"Hello! Oh my! I didn't know you were pregnant!" sabay tingin ng matanda sa aking
tiyan. "Congrats! Congrats!"
Lumapit pa ang dalawa pang kakilala. Hinawakan ako sa kamay at nagbeso na bilang
pagbati.
"I knew it! Congrats, Sir Nikolai! Oh my! This exciting!" sabi pa noong isa.
Babawiin ko sana pero hinawakan na ako noong isang matanda para sa mga tanong.
"How's Marem and Gaudencio? Where are they, hija?"
"Uh, nasa bahay po sa Jersey. Uhm..."
"Kumusta si Marem? I heard your Lolo paid for some of Gaudencio's debts! Naku, it's
too early to predict kasi. Ganoon talaga pag nag iinvest lalo na dahil mababa
ngayon. Dapat huwag sila masyadong mag panic..."
"You're right!"
Hindi na ako makasingit dahil nagtuloy-tuloy na ang usapan ng mga matatanda. Mabuti
na lang at nagsalita si Nikolai.
"I'm sorry to interrupt but Amber wants to go to the powder room."
"Oh, sure! Sure!"
"If you'd excuse us, please..." he smiled politely at them.
Umatras ang mga matatanda at hinayaan na kaming maglakad patungo sa powder room.
Nilingon ko si Nikolai. I am grateful for what he did. I smiled at him shyly.
"Thank you, po."
"No problem, Amber. Let's go..." sabay giya niya sa akin sa powder room.
I was horrified when I saw blood on the toilet. Hindi sa nararamdaman ako
mahihimatay kundi sa takot at sa pighating dala. Doon ko natanto na hindi pa talaga
ako nakakaahon sa pagkawala ng isa sa kambal. Hindi ko kasi masyado iyong nadibdib
noong mga nakaraang linggo. Ngayon ko lang napatunayan kung gaano iyon ka
nakakalungkot para sa akin.
Nikolai helped me through it. Sinugod ako sa pinakamalapit na ospital sa venue. I
was then checked properly if my baby is fine. Isang gabi sa ospital kahit sa gitna
pa ng party na idinaos dapat para kay Nikolai. For sure I scared his family and our
family friends but that's least of my concern now.
Madaling araw nang dumating sina Mommy at Daddy, parehong takot na takot. I was in
hysterics when I woke up that night na halos kinailangan akong i-sedate. I was half
asleep and half awake when I heard Mommy cry beside me. When I heard my Dad and
Nikolai's conversation.
"Bed rest ang sinabi ng doktor. I'm sorry, Dencio. I never thought this would
happen," sabi ni Nikolai.
Mommy was caressing my face gently. Her tears pouring a bit. I couldn't move to do
anything, though.
"Kasalanan ko 'to... Kasalanan ko 'to..." Mommy wailed.
"No, the fault is mine, Marem. Hindi na sana ako pumayag na gawin ito. I could find
another person to play the part."
Wala nang nagsalita. Lumapit si Daddy sa akin para haplusin ang aking noo. His
large warm hand comforted me.
"Please, allow me to give Amber whatever she needs," si Nikolai.
Nilingon ito ni Mommy. Umiiyak si Mommy.
"No. This is enough stress for my daughter, Nikolai. Hindi ko na kaya..."
Nikolai sighed. "I told her about it. I am not sure if she believed me but her
actions improved."
"Nikolai..." Mommy cried.
"Please, this is the only thing I can do for her. Bukod sa hindi na magandang
ibyahe pa siya pabalik sa inyo, may malaking suite ako rito sa New York na walang
nakatira. It's a spacious place with perfect amenities. I'll make sure she's tended
well. Puwede rin kayong tumira roon o bumisita, depende sa gusto n'yo."
"Importante sa akin ang opinyon ni Amber, Nikolai. I am not after the comfort of
your offer because I know I can provide that pero tama ka nang sinabi mong
mapanganib nga siyang ibyahe," si Daddy. "When she's fine and ready, we'll ask
Amber. She will decide for herself."
The last months of my pregnancy was crucial, for some reason. Kaya wala rin akong
nagawa kundi ang pumayag sa offer ni Nikolai. For my baby. But little by little, as
I live in his luxurious Manhattan condo, I knew him. Mabilis na naging magaan ang
loob ko sa kanya given that sometimes we have the same views of some things like
fashion and art.
Madalas bumisita si Mommy at Daddy. They hired nurses and househelps especially for
me. Lalo na dahil hindi naman palagi si Nikolai roon. Iyon nga lang, dahil nalayo
ako, hindi ko na masyadong nalaman ang mga problema ni Mommy at Daddy. I just know
that everytime they come to New York to visit me, I always notice Dad's rapidly
changing face due to exhaustion, wrinkles, and old age.
Minsan, gusto kong tanungin si Nikolai tungkol sa investments ni Daddy. Pero sa
huli, alam kong pagtatakpan niya ang tunay na kalagayan noon para lang iwasan ko
ang pagkakastress dahil doon.
So it wasn't surprising when Nikolai was also there when I gave birth to my healthy
baby boy. I was then reminded of his twin who is now in heaven. I cried so hard
when I got to embrace him. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit hindi ko naman nahawakan
o nakilala ang isa pang anak, labis-labis pa rin ang sakit na nararamdaman ko.
Sinisi ko ang sarili ko. The days after I gave birth were very dark for me. I think
it was all my fault from the very beginning. Masyado akong nagpadala sa sarili kong
emosyon. Then, I get angry at myself again for regretting that I fell in love with
that cruel man! Hindi ko dapat pinagsisisihan iyon dahil dahil doon, nandito ako
kasama ang anak.
Kaya iisipin ko ulit kung saan ako nagkamali. Maybe Mommy is right, in the end. She
was right to tell me that my morals were faulty. Maybe I was right to love that man
but it was wrong to give in to him at a young and ignorant age!
Sa iilang pag-aaway nila ni Daddy noong nasa New Jersey pa ako, naririnig ko kung
gaano ang pagsisisi ni Mommy.
"Napigilan ko si Snow pero ang sariling anak ko, napabayaan ko!" she lamented about
it every night.
She's right. In that moment, I knew that she was cruel for my own good. I am in
this situation because I was a faulty teenager. Pero sapat ba iyon para pagsisihan
ko ang lahat ng ito? Pagsisihan ko na nasa ganitong sitwasyon ako? Hindi. I will
never regret Jacques. The only thing I can do now is to recover fast and stand up
again for my son. I can't depend on my parents or on Nikolai my whole life.
My son's presence gave colour to my parent's faces. Alam kong problemado na sila
kaya nang tuwing bumibisita sila sa New York at nakikita kong umaayos sila,
natutuwa na rin ako. My Dad's reaction when he sees and carries the baby in his
arms melts my heart. A small tear on the sides of his eyes and then a kiss for me,
on my forehead.
"You make me so happy," he whispered.
Hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luha ko. I embraced him too with shivering lips.
"Dad, I don't know if I can be a good mother..."
All my weaknesses and insecurities is in that one small sentence. Kay Daddy ko lang
kayang aminin iyon. Sa kanya ko iniyak ang takot at panghihina ko. Sa kanya ko
iniyak ang pangungulila sa nawalang anak. Sa kanya ko ibinuhos ang lahat.
"You will be a good mother. I know, Amber," he whispered.
Kaya naman pagkatapos ng ilang buwan ng anak ko sa mundong ito, pagkatapos ng unti-
unti kong pagbangon, muli akong nawasak nang nawala si Daddy sa akin. I was already
in the dark, depressed with so many things that bothered me when I heard the news
from Nikolai.
Daddy met an accident back in New Jersey. He was dead on arrival when he got into
the hospital. Walang ibang sugatan o namatay, siya lang. Mabilis ang patakbo niya
at hindi nakapreno at nabangga ang ilan pang nakapark na sasakyan.
I was bound to go back to our house that month and then this is what happened! I
know that I have not been a good person in the past, pero hindi ko kayang isipin na
ito ang pagbabayad ko sa lahat ng ginawa ko! Ganoon ba kasama ang mga nagawa ko
para parusahan ako ng ganito?
Nikolai wanted me to ask my Mom to live in New York but I refused. I don't want to
be a burden to him. Kahit pa sabihin niyang magkaibigan sila ni Mommy, ayokong
pagsamantalahan iyon para umasa sa kanya. Lalo na ngayong isa sa tinitingnang
posibilidad sa pagkamatay ni Daddy ay ang suicide.
Mommy didn't visit me during our dark days. I think she was devastated but my own
bitterness and pain turned me against her. Imposibleng magpakamatay si Daddy! Oo,
nalulugi siya pero sapat ang pera niya para mabuhay kami ng maayos! And he now has
a reason to live, my son, his grandson, so why would he kill himself?
Wala akong ibang maisip kundi si Mommy. Silang dalawa ang magkasama sa bahay lagi!
And it is so easy to imagine my Mom wailing all night, cursing my Dad because of
his incompetence and her want of a luxurious life!
"I don't get it, Nikolai!" I exclaimed, sa araw mismo ng pag-alis ko sa New York.
Namumugto pa ang mga mata ko. Hindi pa ako nakakarecover sa pagkawala ni Dad. Daddy
was cremated. Hindi ko pa rin matanggap na hindi iyon aksidente! That he committed
suicide!
"Amber, calm down."
"But I won't be surprised if it was because of Mommy! She was completely nagging
him all night! At kilala mo si Mommy, she wants a luxurious life. A life that Daddy
cannot give her anymore!"
"Amber, your Mom is grieving, too. Kung ganito na lang din ang iniisip mo, ayoko
nang umuwi ka sa inyo at baka magtalo pa kayo ng Mommy mo."
"Because it's true! You know it! You've been his friend!"
Sinapo ni Nikolai ang kanyang noo. "Yes. Yes, I know Marem. I know what she is but,
Amber, hindi ito hiningi ng Mommy mo. She's also sad. Please, understand."
Tinanggap ko iyon pero hindi ko kayang magkunwari nang bumalik na ako sa amin. I
couldn't face my Mom without resentment. I am also sure that she couldn't face me
without guilt, too. Lalo na dahil nang dumating ako, pinagbuksan niya lang ako ng
pinto.
"Pasok ka..." she only glanced at the baby I'm holding and smiled a bit.
She's wearing her long silky robes. She kissed me gently and my baby.
"May pagkain sa kitchen. Inayos ko na rin ang kuwarto n'yo," she said silently,
hindi makatingin sa akin.
I eyed her with anger and grudge.
"I'll just... take care of some things in my room," she said then excused herself.
She was that way the whole time. Wala akong ibang kausap sa bahay kundi ang baby
sitter at si Jacques. Mommy is always nowhere to be found. She eats breakfast
cooked by the cook, then go to her room all day. Ni hindi niya binibisita ang apo
niya.
I shouldn't mind her, alright. I am busy with Jacques and this new journey I am in
- motherhood. Kahit pa paminsan-minsan kong naiisip si Daddy. And then I see my
mother going out to shop all day, bringing back so many expensive brands at night.
Pinalagpas ko ang iilang pagkakataong iyon. Kahit pa nabasa ko na kung gaano kalala
ang mga nawala sa amin.
Eighty percent of Daddy's money was invested. It failed. Ilang pursyento lang ang
naibalik sa kanya habang ang iilang kilala ay halos wala na. Because of shame and
guilt, binayaran ni Daddy ang lahat ng mga nag invest na kakilala niya. I saw the
amount he gave to Phillie's family, some of our family friends, and many more.
Nagbigay din si Lolo ng pera kay Mommy at sa akin. Pero hindi sapat iyon. Lalo na't
may utang pa kami sa iba at ang natitira, halos, ay purong mga real assets na. We
might need to sell the Sevilla estates and Sevilla jewelry and heirlooms.
We are not poor but if I compare this state to our original condition, I don't
think we sould buy YSL and Gucci, like what my mother did today. It's her 7th
shopping spree in just two weeks. Pera niya naman iyon, alam ko, pero kung
ipagpapatuloy niya ito baka mawalan na rin siya ng husto.
Umiling ako habang nagtitimpla ng gatas sa kitchen counter. I mentally counted the
YSL paperbags in her hand. Nilapag niya ito sa sofa. She's wearing a fancy Michael
Kors jacket with its hat. She looks so luxurious. Sometimes, I think she didn't
suffer from my Dad's death at all. Dalawang buwan pa lang simula ng namatay si
Daddy, ganito na siya agad.
"I bought you... uh..."
Napatingin siya sa akin. She stuttered when she saw my expression. Ngumiti siya at
tiningnan ang mga pinamili.
"Some clothes. N-Napansin ko kasing paulit-ulit ang damit mo-"
"Saan ko naman po susuotin 'yan?" medyo iritado kong balik.
"Well... when you go to New York. B-Baka bumalik si Nikolai at gustong makita si
Jacques. Alam mo na..."
"Tss..." Umirap ako.
My dark days taught me to hate her. Now, I hated her more.
"Walang problema kay Nikolai ang damit ko. Ibalik mo na lang po 'yan," sabi ko.
"Hija, puwede mo namang suotin ito, in case you feel like it. It's a fancy
dress..." Binuksan niya ang paper bag at ipinakita ang isang simple ngunit halatang
mamahaling damit. "It's very elegant. Maybe you'll go to a party-"
Sa iritasyon ko, hindi ko na talaga napigilan. Binaba ko ang boteng hawak kanina at
hinarap si Mommy. Nagpatuloy pa rin siya sa pamumuri ng damit. I won't take her
bullshit anymore. This is too much. Hindi na namin napag-usapan ang kahit ano at
hinayaan ko siya dahil abala rin ako sa sarili kong damdamin. Ngayon, naubos na
talaga ang pasensya ko. Whatever it is on my mind, I am going to say it now.
"I won't party. Kamamatay lang ni Daddy, Mom. If you remember," I said coldly.
Nagulat siya sa sinabi ko. Bahagya akong nalungkot nang nakita ang pagtupi niya sa
damit, nanginginig ang mga kamay at walang nasabi. But then I remember all the days
when I didn't say a thing. All her shopping sprees and the bold clothes. All the
times she acted like nothing happened, it angered me so much.
"And if you remember, too, wala na tayong pera para magwaldas ng ganyan. Bakit ka
namimili ng mamahaling gamit, Mommy?"
"I still have money, hija. And your Dad left us some-"
"I wonder what happened during those months?" hindi ko na napigilan ang bibig ko.
Tumataas na rin ang boses ko. "I was only told that he got into an accident and
later on, nalaman na suicide daw. I wonder if it's true? And what could possibly
cause Daddy to commit such a thing when he's supposed to be happy. May apo siya,
masaya kahit walang pera, ano kaya ang dahilan, Mommy?"
Yes. Yes, I was insinuating that she's part of it all. Yes, I think she's nagged
him too much that drove him insane. Alam kong hindi imposible iyon! Sa takbo ng
pag-aaway nila bago pa ako nakitira kay Nikolai, alam kong puwedeng dahilan nga si
Mommy noon.
"Hija, the doctor said that... w-we couldn't really figure out what a person is th-
thinking-"
"But for sure you have an idea. Kayong dalawa lang naman ang nandito, 'di ba? Kayo
ang laging magkasama?"
Hindi nagsalita si Mommy. Hindi rin siya makatingin sa akin. She looked so guilty
and I hated her more and more by the minute.
"Wala ka ba talagang ideya?" puno ng sarkasmo ang pagkakasabi ko.
Hindi na siya kumibo. Natulala lang si Mommy.
"You know I wouldn't be shocked to find that Daddy had been sad all these years and
I think I know why."
Nanlabo ang mga mata ko dahil sa mga luha. I am so hurt. I know I shouldn't say
mean things but I am already too full to keep it to me. At hindi ko alam kung ano
pa ang puwedeng mangyari sa akin kung ililihim ko ang lahat ng hinanakit ko.
"Ikaw, Mom, do you know?"
"Nawalan siya ng malaking halaga. Marami kaming utang sa kakilala. Maybe it's
the..." tumulo ang luha sa mga mata ni Mommy. "Shame. Your father is proud man,
he'd never accept help from Papa."
Bumaling na si Mommy sa akin. Malungkot ang kanyang mga mata.
"Puwede naman namin iyong sulusyunan, hija. May pera pa naman ako. At magbibigay
naman ang Lolo mo, pero ayaw lang talaga ni Dencio. I know even Nikolai is willing
to help us, too. Kaya naman iyon. I just don't understand why does you Dad need to
do this!"
"Daddy is an honorable man! I get why he doesn't want anyone's help regarding that!
Unless you didn't change your lifestyle..." pinasadahan ko ng tingin ang mga
pinamili niya. "And pressured him to earn more just so you can live that way
again!"
"N-No, Amber..." nanginig ang labi ni Mommy.
Bumuhos na ang luha ko.
"Palagi kayong nag-aaway dahil sa pera, bago ako umalis dito. Hindi na ako
magtataka kung buong araw mo na siyang inaaway pagkaalis ko!"
"Are you saying that I caused Gaudencio's death, Amber?" ngayon, ginalit ko na
talaga si Mommy.
Sa sakit at hinagpis ko, wala akong maramdamang takot sa galit niya. I just want to
say everything on my head until all the hurt disappear.
"You nagged him all day! You wanted a fancy life kaya nagsikap si Daddy na
magparami ng pera! And when you can't have the money, you sold me to Nikolai!
Tingnan n'yo nga ang mga naging desisyon n'yo para sa pamilya? So desperate for
money, Mommy! Kaya hindi na ako magtataka kung ikaw nga ang nagtulak kay Daddy na
magpakamatay dahil lang sa mga pagtatalo n'yo sa pera!"
Umiiyak na si Mommy ngayon, nanghihina. I went close to her, burning with so much
anger. All the rage for the past months are now overflowing.
"And for sure, he wasn't really happy with you. He loved you so much. While I know
you love someone else!"
Yumuko si Mommy. I have never seen her cry this way. She couldn't even look at me.
I can't help but think that she couldn't look at me because it's all true.
"Doon pa lang, Mommy, malungkot na si Daddy. Mahal na mahal ka niya pero may mahal
kang iba. He stayed because he loves you. He wants to provide for you. For
everything. For anything. He was patient even when he was under so much pressure!
He was patient even when you were cruel and unreasonable!"
Pareho na kaming umiiyak ng husto.
"He was failing, Mommy, he needed a wife. At ano kaya ang ginawa mo? Mas lalo mo
siyang pinressure? You nagged him. You probably blamed him! And now he's gone you
act like nothing is wrong! You blamed him, didn't you?"
"Yes!" her screech boomed the whole house.
Napaatras ako sa sigaw ni Mommy at sa gulat ko.
"Yes! I blame your Dad for killing himself! I hate that he did it! I hate that he
had to do it, Amber!"
I bit my lower lip. I wanted to say more but she was on it.
"I wasn't a good wife! I wasn't a good mother! I wasn't a good person! And I hated
him for choosing to die instead of putting up with me."
"Who would put up with you?" I spat back.
Pumikit ng mariin si Mommy habang umiiyak.
"He did..." basag na basag ang boses ni Mommy. "Siya lang!"
Hindi ko alam kung bakit mas lalo akog umiyak doon. I imagine my ever patient Daddy
with my Mommy. I imagine how much he loved her. I can almost feel it. Halos
mahawakan ko na iyon kung saan.
"Siya lang ang kaya akong pagtiyagaan. Siya lang, Amber! Kaya bakit hindi niya na
lang hinayaan ang mga araw na ubusin ang buhay niya? Bakit kailangan pa niyang
makealam?"
I have so many words to counter her but I was crying so much.
"He was the only person in this world who understands me. That was why he can put
up with me all these years. Even with my flaws. Even with my unreasonable
decisions. Ang sakit-sakit! Sa ilang taon na iyon, hindi niya ako iniwan! Bakit
ngayon pa?"
My chest hurt so much. I still couldn't say anything.
"Sa mga panahong kailangan ko siya, nandiyan siya lagi. Kaya... bakit sa panahong
kailangan niya ako, hindi niya ako binigyan ng pagkakataong alagaan siya?" Mommy
cried more.
She covered her face with her hands. Then wiped away all the trickling tears.
"He was diagnosed with Stage Four lung cancer the day he got the accident, Amber."
Nanginig si Mommy.
Natigil ang mga luha ko. With wide eyes, I watched Mommy cry harder and harder.
Nanginginig na siya, umiiling habang dumadami lalo ang luha.
"Oo, nawalan tayo ng pera, pero hindi dapat ganoon! Uubusin ko ang pera ko para
lang umayos siya. Wala akong pakealam kung magkanda utang ako kay Papa o kahit
kanino. I don't even treasure anymore all their assets. I just want him to live
more!"
Kinagat ko ang labi ko.
"Pero anong ginawa niya? Ha?" she screamed in frustration. "He didn't give me a
chance to take care of him! He didn't give me a chance to be with him in his dark
times! He chose to leave! Because he thinks it's better that way for me... for us!
I can't believe him!"
Niyakap ko si Mommy. Gusto ko siyang aluin. Guilt washed over me. Niyakap ko siya
ng napakahigpit habang umiiyak kaming dalawa. Niyakap ko siya para maalu rin ako.
Mali ako sa lahat ng sinumbat at inisip ko.
"I-I'm sorry, Mommy. I didn't know."
"He's so unfair, Amber. He's so unfair!" she continued.
"I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."
"Siya na lang lagi ang mabait. Siya na lang lagi ang pasensyoso sa akin. Hindi niya
ako binigyan ng pagkakataong alagaan siya, at magpasensya sa kanya."
"Mom..."
"He's so unfair! He's so unfair!"

[ 22 Kabanata20 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 20
Father
We lived the next months one day at a time, as slow as possible. Like how life
should be lived.
Daddy killed himself after his doctor's appointment. It was a truth that's very
hard to accept. Gusto kong isipin na hindi, na aksidente lang iyon, pero mayroon
nang konklusyon ang awtoridad. It wasn't very like him to go to the opposite lane
speeding up. Nobody was injured and that was even another evidence that he just
want to do it without harming other people.
Matagal nang gusto ni Mommy na magpatingin si Daddy but he would always refuse and
tell her that it's just stress. Sa huling araw niya, inilihim niya kay Mommy ang
pagpapacheck up sa doctor. Even when that is what she wanted from the very
beginning, maybe because he knew that something was up.
Pareho kaming nagsisi ni Mommy. Hindi ko kayang isipin na hindi kami naging sapat
para magkaroon siya ng pag-asang lumaban at mabuhay. Even with his critical
condition, I know I would do everything just to make him okay.
But then deep in my heart, I knew, that this was very much like my Dad. Ayaw niyang
maghirap kami sa ganoong paraan. Ayaw niyang maapektuhan pa kami sa gitna ng krisis
na dinanas. Still, it hurt me so much.
It was an addition to my postpartum blues. Pero alam kong kailangan kong
magpakatatag lalo na't nararamdaman ko na maging si Mommy, wala nang lakas para
magpakatatag.
The return of his investments were given to those family friends that he recruited
to invest on that venture. Mommy paid some family friends too and I even let her
use the money Daddy left me. Tumulong din si Lolo. He went here to do that and for
a few months, we were starting to feel alright.
"Marem, minsan lang bumibisita ang mga anak ko sa New York. Kung gusto n'yo, doon
na muna kayo tumira. Ibenta n'yo itong bahay, pandagdag na rin ito," Nikolai was
our frequent visitor ever since.
Natutuwa ako kapag nariyan siya. He brightens up my days.
Nilingon ako ni Mommy. I can sense that she wanted to grab that opportunity.
Umiling ako kay Nikolai.
"Ayos lang kami rito."
"Amber..." si Nikolai.
"He's right, Amber. I-If you want to continue your school and... I can't pretend
that I don't know what you want to pursue and where... so..."
"Hindi na, Mommy," mariin kong sinabi.
Kahit na nagkaayos na kami ni Mommy, hindi pa rin maiiwasan ang madalas naming
pagtatalo. The way she coped up with my Dad's death is through shopping and
socializing more than usual. Nag-adjust ako roon. Alam kong wala na kaming pera
pero hindi naman ganoon ka hirap na hindi na makakabili ng magagarang gamit. I let
her do it because I know it makes her forget about everything. Kahit pa minsan...
sumusobra na.
Ang pinakamalaking pagtatalo namin pagkatapos noong nalaman ko ang dahilan sa
suicide ni Daddy ay iyong inamin niya sa akin tungkol sa ginawa niya! I was very
furious when I reconnected with Phillie and learned about what was rumored in the
Philippines!
"Mommy, is it true? Pinakalat mo bang pakakasal ako kay Nikolai?" I confronted her.
Kitang-kita sa ekspresyon niya ang guilt. I learned that she told every close
family friend in Manila, that I am getting married with a business tycoon. Hindi
niya sinabi kung kanino, only that he's rich and is a hotelier!
"I'm sorry. I was desperate to cover you up!"
"That explains why some of our family friends in that party thought that we were a
thing! Mommy naman!" frustrated kong sinabi.
"I'm sorry, hija."
"Mommy, I like Nikolai and I know what he is! I don't mind being associated with
him pero ang ganitong talagang kinumpirma mo at pinagkakalat pa?"
"Nikolai is desperate, too, that time, hija. News broke earlier that year at
nakarating sa mga anak niya na may lalaking modelo siyang kinakasama! He was
depressed and I figured... you two can make everyone believe..."
Sinapo ko ang noo ko. Nagpatuloy si Mommy sa explanation habang ako, pinoproblema
na iyon. And that was heck a year and a half ago! Ni wala akong malay na ganito na!
I confronted Nikolai, too, he was as sorry as Mommy.
"I'm really sorry, Amber. You know how my family is. We are very traditional. Isa
pa, ikakahiya ako ng mga anak kong puro pa mga lalaki, kung sakaling maisip nilang
tama nga ang mga paratang sa akin."
I couldn't pretend to be okay with it just because Nikolai is a good person who
doesn't want to be judged. Kaya ilang linggo ko ring halos hindi makausap si
Nikolai bunga ng sama ng loob ko. Lalo na tuwing pinapaintindi ni Mommy sa akin
iyon.
"Hija, his sons are very well-known barumbados, badboys, playboys in Iloilo and
Manila. All his brothers are car junkies and athletes with many women on his
sides..." iyon ang laging sinasabi ni Mommy sa akin.
On my sane days, I can't help but give her my opinions about it.
"This isn't 1900's, Mommy. Open-minded na ang mga tao. Mas maaga siyang nagsabi,
mas maaga rin sanang natanggap. Hindi iyon niloloko niya ang mga tao. Though..." I
sighed. "I respect his decision."
"Hija, at an early age Nikolai got married just so he can produce offsprings that
would later on inherit their family business. Wala na siyang time na magkaroon ng
identity-crisis. Now that he finally knew what he really is, huli na ang lahat. And
everyone in their family have a strong and traditional value about it. Balak niya
ngang..."
Ako na ang nagpatuloy sa sasabihin ni Mommy dahil ito mismo ang sinabi ni Nikolai
sa akin noong sinabi niya sa akin ang totoo.
"Dalhin sa hukay ang sekretong ito. I know..." sabi ko.
"He trusts me. He trusts your Dad, too. Kami lang ang nakakaalam, bukod sa
boyfriend niya. Then... you."
Nagkibit ako ng balikat. Bumuntong-hininga na rin. Imagine that rumor about us
going on for a year and a half now.
"Besides, it's also a good thing for you. Jacques can have a father figure.
Expecially now that... your Dad is..."
Huminahon ako at niyakap na lang si Mommy.
Sa mga panahong naghirap akong mag-isa, marami akong natutunan. The situation
forced me to mature fast. I wasn't ready and I even couldn't forgive myself for
committing more and more mistakes again even after everything. Iyon ang naging
dahilan kung bakit mas lalong dumilim pa ang mga araw ko. I didn't give up until
everything feels a bit better than before.
"Mum!" Jacques first clear word melted my heart.
It gave me a purpose to live. It gave me a chance to be a better person than I was
before.
"Mumumum!" he continued and I kissed him.
If I don't forgive myself for every little bad thing I did, I will never move on.
Never moving on will mean I won't ever improve in this life. Wala pa naman akong
ibang hangad kundi ang maging maayos para sa anak ko.
I accepted all my faults. It was not wrong to love in a young age but it was wrong
to forget my morals. If only I had stronger morals before, I wouldn't create more
problems in the relationship. Ang pagdating ni Jacques sa buhay ko ay isang simbolo
na nagmahal ako, nadapa, nasugatan. The memory of my fierce first love is on my
heart - like a burn from the hot mighty sun, hurting but will eventually heal. And
soon be forgotten.
Jacques is the gift. Jacques is the reward for all my suffering. From this day on,
I will live to right my wrongs, through loving him without condition.
I kissed the forehead of my son. Isinasantabi ang lahat ng alaalang nakapaloob sa
kanyang mukha. He looks so much like that Riego. Walang galing sa akin kundi ang
buhok na umaalon at may kaonting kulay ng kape. That's why I decided to let it grow
longer.
Pinagmasdan ko si Mommy na kagagaling ulit ng shopping. For today, we have
Christian Dior and Carolina Herrera.
"I bought you some clothes, darling. Meron din dito para kay Jacques!" she said as
she kissed her grandson.
Naiintindihan at natanggap ko na. This is her therapy. This is how my Mom will live
from now on. If I have to take the responsibility for the whole family just because
she's in grief, then, I would!
Kaya naman nagdesisyon na rin ako sa wakas pagkatapos ng mahabang pagmumuni-muni.
"Mom, I'm thinking... Tama si Nikolai. We should just move to his penthouse..."
Namilog ang mga mata ni Mommy. Then a small dreamy smile landed on her lips. New
Jersey is nice for her but she's very convinced that she's made for the streets of
New York. She is a socialite back in the day and she never got over it. Kahit pa
ano na ang estado namin ngayon. And Dad, the man that he is, gave her enough money
to be this spoiled!
"Really? But you're not gonna sell this house, are you? Hija, hindi tayo pobre para
makituloy kay Nikolai at ibenta ang bahay na ito."
"Hindi, Mommy. Baka rent lang muna. Iniisip ko kasi si Jacques..." sabay tingin sa
anak kong nasa high chair ngayon. "Nasa ibang palapag ang pamilya ni Klaudio, and I
think it's healthy for Jacques to be with kids around his age."
"Tama. Tama!"
Tumango ako kahit alam kong iba pa rin ang pakay ni Mommy sa ideya ko. I've gotten
used to her now.
"Isa pa, mag-aaral ako!"
"I knew it! Fashion Business ba o Advertising Design?"
Nagtaas ako ng kilay. Nagulat ako bahagya kasi alam niya.
"Sorry. Binasa ko iyong sulat na dumating galing sa pinag-applyan mo na school."
"Something related to fashion since I'm also planning to go to some agency. Balak
ko kasing magsimula ulit sa modeling. I figured that's the only thing I know I can
surely do well."
Tumango-tango ulit si Mommy. Masayang-masaya siya sa desisyon ko. It was hard for
me but Mommy gave me the enough push to do it. Nikolai supported it, too. I want to
pay rent, pero kahit konti, ayaw niyang magpabayad. I have to admit na malaking
tulong nga iyon. That unit could cost me a fortune and paying for it annually will
break our bank accounts.
Si Phillie lang ang nakakausap ko sa Pilipinas. Sometimes, I want to talk to Snow
but Mommy said that it's better if I shouldn't. Lalo na dahil alam kong napangasawa
niya ang Kuya ni Jaxon.
Jaxon.
When I gave birth, the first face I saw on Jacques was him. That was when I decided
to name him close to his name. Sabi ni Nikolai, it's a french name that's
pronounced as Jack or something close to it. Jaxon was already called that way kaya
hindi ko mapangalanan ang anak ko ng ganoon. That's how I agreed to name him with
it's french variety.
Habang nagbubuntis ako sa kanya, sa gitna ng galit at pagmamahal ang nararamdaman
ko para kay Jaxon. There was love, I am sure, even despite my anger. I know because
the first time I laid my eyes on my son, I named him immediately like his father.
Pero nagdaan ang mga araw, nawalan ako ng lakas para magmahal. My dark days pushed
me too hate him so much. There was even a time when I didn't want to see Jacques
just because he reminds me of him. Dagdagan pa ng mas mabigat na trahedya kay
Daddy, nanatili ako sa dilim hanggang sa unti-unting nakabangon.
Now that I am slowly recovering from it all, the only thing on my mind are the
gentle words of my Daddy.
"Dad, what should I do?" I sometimes ask him at night.
And I know what he'll then tell me. Be patient. Be kind. Forgive. Kilala ko si
Daddy at wala siyang ibang gusto kundi ang kabutihan para sa lahat. Kahit pa sa mga
nanakit sa kanya... kahit pa sa dilim.
That is what I am bringing with me right now... the drive to forgive myself, to
forgive other people, to be kind to everyone, and to be patient with my life. I
did. Each day of forgiveness, my life became simple and better.
Even without the intervention of Mommy, I got accepted in a modeling agency. Hindi
man kasing laki ng dating offer sa akin, ayos na rin. Nag-aral din ako sa isang
simpleng institute, it's not fancy but it's also fine.
"Amber! Sana sa Elite ka nagpunta! Or kahit sa Ford! I have friends in there! I
should call!" si Mommy nang nalaman na nakuha ako.
"Mommy, ayos na 'yon. It's good to start from scratch!"
"No!" she said as she moved to me with her long silky maroon bath gown. "You'll get
scouted, dear. You're very pretty and you've got talent for this. Huwag doon sa
puchu-puchu!"
"Ayos lang sa puchu-puchu, Mommy. Ganoon talaga nagsisimula ang lahat," I
explained.
I was praised to be the most innocent-looking among all the models. Nakumbinsi ko
sila dahil sobrang galing ko raw sa camera, maganda ang mga ekspresyon, may natural
na makapal na pilikmata, lustrous brows, makapal at mahabang buhok, and my overall
elegant caucasian beauty.
Hindi ko na kinailangan magdiet nang nagdesisyon akong pumasok doon. My dark days
caused me to lose so much weight. It wasn't healthy pero kahit na sinusubukan ko
nang kumain ng maayos, parang wala pa rin iyong naging tulong sa timbang ko. It was
a blessing in disguise, though. Isa kasi iyon sa titingnan din kapag magmomodelo.
Kaya ngayong natanggap na nga ako, magsisikap na rin akong i-maintain o i-tone ang
katawan ko. Good thing Nikolai has all the stuff I need here. Or I can hit the gym,
it's free.
On my second apperance sa isang catwalk, nagulat ako kung sino ang nakita ko sa
crowd. Standing with a confused eyebrow is Harper, watching me closely as I grace
the catwalk. Kaya naman nang natapos ang show, hindi na ako nag-atubiling lapitan
siya roon.
"Harper!" I said, smiling widely.
My social life in Costa Leona was my practice in living the social life here in the
States. Wala rin halos akong close friend. Lahat, either co-models or classmates
lang. Hindi na iyon naging big deal sa akin. Back when I was younger, it was a
priority to fit in. Now that I have more important things to think about, fitting
in was least of my concern. Kaya naman nang nakita ko si Harper, masaya ako. Kahit
pa kita sa itsura niya ang kuryosidad at pagkalito.
"Kumusta?" tanong ko when I dragged him to that luxurious hotel's coffee shop.
I ordered my usual drink. He looked so amazed as he watch me happily saying what I
want. Seryoso niyang sinabi sa waiter kung ano rin ang gusto niya. Nang umalis ito,
nagpatuloy pa rin ako.
"Kailan ka pa rito?" tanong ko ulit.
"Mag-iisang buwan na. Matagal na ako sa California, pero ngayon lang ako rito sa
New York."
I smiled. Masyado akong excited. Muntik ko nang nakalimutan ang mga iniisip nilang
totoong balita sa akin. Now, he probably thinks I'm married to Nikolai. I am not
sure if everyone knew about my pregnancy but most of our close friends knew that I
gave birth to a boy. Hindi na ako magtataka kung alam niya ang mga detalyeng iyon.
"Nandito ka dahil?"
"Namamasyal lang. Kasama ko ang mga kapatid ko."
"Oh! That's great!" I said a bit joyfully. I really can't help it.
Nilapag ng waiter ang mga inorder namin. Uminom agad ako sa kape. Then I smiled
again at Harper who still looked uneasy and shocked.
"Pumunta ako rito kasi alam kong part ka ng agency. Nalaman ko kay Phillie."
Tipid akong ngumiti. "Yes."
"Nasa isang catwalk din nila ako noong nakaran pero hindi kita nakita."
"Yes, conflict sa sched ko sa school iyon kaya tumanggi ako para roon. Buti
sinubukan mo ulit ngayon."
Nagkatinginan kami. Hindi siya nagsalita. Our expressions are very opposite. While
I am very glad to see him, he seems distant for some reason. Sinadya niya kayang
tanungin si Phillie tungkol sa akin? Baka nga... kasi hindi naman halos magkasundo
ang dalawa. Imposibleng hanggang ngayon nag-uusap pa sila.
"Nagbago ka na pala talaga."
Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya na iyon. I am not aware of the many changes with me but
if I think about the past four years, I can really say that maybe I did change. I
needed it to survive.
"Hmm. Kailangan ko kasing mag adapt sa nagbabago ko ring paligid, Harper. You
changed, too. You seem so mature now. Far from that badboy I know long ago."
"I'm a chef now. Nag-aral ako para sa negosyo namin sa Pilipinas."
"Wow! Congrats on that!"
"Uuwi rin ako, siguro after a year, to manage our business."
Tumango ako. The image of Manila flashed on my mind.
"Ikaw?" he asked. "Uuwi ka ba?"
Hindi ako nakasagot agad. I have my own ideas about it but I have never said it
aloud.
"Maybe not anymore, huh? Given your state here, okay ka na. You formed a family and
you have money and work. You're contented of it."
"Yes... Uh... A bit. I mean, kuntento na nga ako sa buhay ko rito, Harper. Siguro
kapag natapos lang ako sa school, mag fufull time model ako, ayos na sa akin.
Though, I am sure Mommy wants to go home. Lalo na't kami na lang ang puwedeng mag
asikaso sa mga properties na naiwan ni Daddy."
"I'm sorry about your Dad. Nalaman ko lang last year. Wala kasi masyadong may alam
sa nangyari sa inyo. Kahit ang iilang kakilala."
"Yeah. Well... I understand my parents. Maybe it was the shame and guilt. Ayaw na
nilang ipaalam pa o palakihin ang problema. Ilang daang milyon din kasi ang naging
utang ni Dad sa iba dahil lang sa investment na iyon."
Harper sighed. Nanatili ang seryoso niyang ekspresyon. Kahit anong ngiti ko, hindi
siya makangiti pabalik sa akin. I feel like he's sad for me and my situation. He
shouldn't. I am truly happy despite everything.
"You should meet my son," sabi ko. "Three years old na siya at nakikihalubilo na."
Tumango si Harper. "I'll check my schedule."
"Sige. I'm sure maiinggit si Phillie. Gagraduate 'yon this year at sabi niya,
pupuntahan niya ako pagkatapos para makita ang anak ko. Sa Facetime lang kasi niya
nakikita."
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nararamdaman ni Harper but talking to him made me happy
and comfortable. Kaya naman laking tuwa ko nang bumisita si Harper sa condo sa
sumunod na araw para tingnan si Jacques.
Mommy and Nikolai went to shopping. Pero nang nalaman ni Mommy na pupunta si
Harper, agad niyang sinabi kay Nikolai na dapat umuwi sila ng maaga.
"Hello, Jacques..." ngumiti si Harper at binigay na nito ang dalang regalo.
It's a large toy robot. Kumikislap ang mga mata ni Jacques habang tinitingnan ang
laruan.
"What will you say to your Tito Harper, Jacques?" I asked.
"Thank you, Tito Harper!" he said it clearly.
Tumawa si Harper. "You're welcome, big boy."
Nalibang si Harper kay Jacques. Tinuruan niya kung paano maglaro noong robot na
kapag pinipindot, tumutunog. Pinagmasdan ko lang ang dalawa habang naghihintay sa
niluluto ng cook. Mommy likes keeping a cook for us and I agree since I don't know
much about the kitchen.
Dala-dala ang maraming pinangshopping, pumasok si Mommy at Nikolai roon. Kitang-
kita ko ang pag-ahon ng tingin ni Harper sa kanila. Nagkatinginan si Nikolai at
Harper habang papalapit ito.
"Harper!" Mommy said pleasantly.
"Hello, po, Tita," he said politely then his eyes turned to Nikolai who went to my
son for a kiss.
"Dada!" excited na naglahad ng braso si Jacques sa kay Nikolai.
Inangat naman ni Nikolai si Jacques at hinalikan ulit.
"What's that?" si Nikolai nang ipinakita ni Jacques ang laruan.
"Toy robot!" tapos tinuro niya si Harper.
"Good evening."
"Harper," si Harper sabay lahad ng kamay.
"Nice to meet you. Nikolai..."
Tinanggap ni Nikolai ang kamay ni Harper at saglit na sumulyap sa akin. He gave me
that knowing look. Umiling ako. Like usual, even to my male model friends, he'd
always give me that look. Alam ko agad kung ano ang ibig niyang sabihin doon. Gay,
bi, or straight? Kapag iiling ako, straight iyon kaya tumigil siya, ha!
"Tsk. Tsk. Tsk..." sabay iling ni Nikolai.
Natawa na lang ako at kinuha na si Jacques sa kanya. It was a normal night for us.
Noong nag dinner kami, 'tsaka lang nakapag-usap si Mommy at si Harper ng kaonti.
Harper was still a bit formal and reserve. I think he really did change. Hindi ako
sanay na ganoon siya pero ganoon nga siguro talaga kapag nagtagal ang panahon.
Months later, si Phillie naman ang bumisita. She was alone so I had to be with her
wherever she wants to go. She was so happy to see Jacques. Alam niya ang tungkol sa
totoong estado namin ni Nikolai kaya hindi ko inakalang sa huling araw ng bakasyon
niya roon, magtatanong siya sa akin ng ganoon.
"P-Pero... si Nikolai ang tatay ni Jacques, Amber?"
I can't believe her! For years she knew that there's nothing going on with us. Sa
huli, tinanggap ko iyon kasi hindi naman siya kailanman nagtanong. Philomena can be
very inquisitive at times but during my dark days, she was gentle and sensitive.
Ngayong nakikita niyang maayos na ako, nakikichismis na.
"Of course not!"
Muntik ko nang nasabi na bading si Nikolai kaya imposible iyon! Natutop ko ang labi
ko.
"I won't judge you. Even if he's old, girl, he's still very hot. Plus, he's filthy
rich!" she said.
"Sinabi ko na sa'yo noon na wala nga kami. Kasinungalingan lang ni Mommy iyong
noon."
"Yes, but... I didn't know if you didn't marry but have a child or what?"
On that night, I told her all about it. She was so shocked. Hindi ko inasahan iyon.
Kahit kailan, hindi raw sumagi sa isip niya ang ganoong sitwasyon. Mas puwede pa
raw na kay Nikolai nga si Jacques o 'di kaya'y sa isang nakilala ko rito. She
couldn't get over it. She couldn't sleep thinking about it, dinamay niya pa ako. We
both looked like zombies nang hinatid ko siya sa airport para sa flight niya.
"Magreresearch ako. I'm gonna stalk that man. What's his name again?"
"Tss. Phillie, stop it. I've moved on. I'm not anymore after him whatsoever."
"Pero 'di ba sabi mo hindi mo naman 'to nililihim? Si Tita Marem lang naman ang
gustong ilihim ito!"
"Even so... Yes, hindi ko ito ililihim kay Jacques. Pinapaintindi ko sa kanya ang
lahat."
"Naku, Amber. Jacques is very intelligent. I can see it. I'm sure he'd ask earlier
than your prediction."
"He's already asked," malungkot kong sinabi. "Ipapaintindi ko naman sa kanya ang
nangyari. Ayoko lang siyang bigyan ng pag-asa na we can be a complete family when I
know it's not possible anymore. I'd have to check if his father is... I know he
won't be okay with it but... if he's ready to know. Ayokong ayawan niya si Jacques.
Masasaktan ako."
"That is why I'll research!" sabi ni Phillie sa kriminal na mukha.
"Let me do it when the time comes, okay?"
"Baka wala pang asawa iyon."
"Meron na siguro. Ilang taon na ang lumipas. Matanda na 'yon ngayon!" sabi ko.
"Paano kung wala? Anong gagawin mo?"
Nagkamot ako sa ulo. Heto na naman kami, parang 'di namin napag-usapan na ito
kagabi.
"I told you I want to stay this way forever. Tapos na ako sa phase na iyon. I have
forgiven myself and him. So what I want now is my son to eventually know him and
that's all. I have no plan to get involved again with relationships. Kahit kanino."
"Oh well... old cat lady moves..." she said then kissed my cheek.
Natawa na lang ako sa makulit na kaibigan.
"I'm gonna hunt him down and see-"
"Philomena!" pagalit kong sinabi kasi alam kong kayang-kaya niya nga iyon.
"Huwag kang mag-aalala, ano man ang malaman ko, 'di kita iiinform. For educational
purposes ko na lang iyon."
I shook my head again. Bumubulong-bulong siya habang tinutulak ang mga bagahe.
"Sabi niya pangit daw. Hindi niya type. Ba't guwapo si Jacques?"
"Kasi maganda ako!" singit ko.
"Hindi mo naman kamukha..." pangungulit niya. "Pangit daw. Baka guwapo naman talaga
'yon. Magandang mata, e. Halata naman. Madamot lang talaga..."
Pabiro kong hinampas ang braso ng kaibigan. She lamented for a while about my
abusive tendencies until it was time for her to go.
Tama ang sinabi kong nakapagtanong na nga si Jacques tungkol sa ama niya. He asked
me if Nikolai was his real Papa and I said "no". He also asked if his Papa was the
one in the urn, si Daddy, I said "no, he's Lolo.".
Bata pa siya, akala ko makakalimutan niya rin o 'di kaya'y hindi pa masyadong big
deal but it was a big deal, I realized. Habang tumatanda siya, mas lalong nagiging
kritikal ang mga tanungan. Each passing year, mas lalo akong nahihirapang sumagot.
"Jacques, your Papa is in the Philippines. That's where Mama grew up," hirap na
hirap akong ipaintindi sa kanya iyon dahil may kung anong bumabara sa aking
lalamunan.
He sagged on a bench that day, with his backpack on his back, and long hair
ruffling down his shoulders, and his usual smug expression. Kagagaling ko sa agency
at sinusundo ko siya sa isang local kindergarten. Nasa lesson naman nila ang
unconventional families but for some reason, he knew what a complete regular family
looks like and he wants that. Siguro sa kakasama sa kina Klaudio, ang anak ni
Nikolai, na may kumpleto at masayang pamilya. Lagi siya roon kaya rin marunong na
rin magtagalog dahil sa mga anak nilang nakakasalamuha niya.
"When are we going to the Philippines? Is it far?" he asked.
May dala siyang isang bond paper. Parang kinukurot ang puso ko nang nakita iyon. Sa
ganitong month talaga, iyon ang topic nila - Family. He's good at drawing so it's
very clear how he pictured it.
Mama, Papa, Jacques. Mother Amber, Father, Jacques.
"You should put b-baby Jacques..." nanginig ang boses ko, winawala ang usapan dahil
nakalimutan niyang lagyan ng label ang kanyang pangalan.
"I'm not a baby anymore," he said to me seriously.
Pumikit ako ng mariin. I am squatting in front of him now, and he's watching me
closely with eyes as dark as the night. Nasabi nga ng teacher niya na medyo above
average ang IQ niya kumpara sa mga kaklase. He's top of the class but usually he
doesn't land on it all the time because he doesn't participate much on playtimes
dahil nga mas mature siya ng konti sa mga kaklase.
"I'll do my best to be good at my job so we can go to the Philippines, okay?" sabi
ko kahit na kaya naman talaga namin.
Mahabang proseso nga lang. Kakausapin ko pa si Mommy at kukumbinsihin, ihahanda ko
ang sarili ko, tapos si Jacques... and I also need to know Jaxon's whereabouts or
state. I am not sure if I am willing to introduce him to Jacques if he has a family
already. But that's not for me to decide, right?
"In the mean time, Dada is your father, okay?"
He desperately wants a father figure. Kaya hindi ko maiwasan na magpasalamat na rin
kay Nikolai, for being always there. Tumango si Jacques sa sinabi ko.
"You like Dada, right?"
"Yes, I like Dada."
Minsan, inisip ko sana pala itinago ko na lang kay Jacques ang totoo. But then part
of my forgiveness for myself is to right my wrongs. To right my wrongs, I want to
be fair to my son. To be fair to Jaxon... in the future. Para wala akong pagsisihan
pa.
"But this isn't Dada, okay?" he explained as he pointed at his drawing.
"Okay, that's not Dada," I agreed.
Tiningnan ko ulit ang drawing niya at nakitang mahaba ang buhok ng father. Ngumuso
ako at nilingon ulit siya.
"Do you want Papa to have a long hair?" paglilibang ko dahil naiiyak na talaga ako.
Mabilis ding makuha ni Jacques ang mga emosyon ko. Iniisip ko dala ng katalinuhan o
matinding pagmamahal niya sa akin, alinman sa dalawa.
"No. But I have a long hair. Does Papa have a long hair?" he asked.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. I'm not sure but I imagine Jaxon with a long hair. Kamukha
talaga nito. Umiling ako dahil iyon naman talaga ang alam ko.
"Hindi ata, anak." I sighed my tears away.
"Then, I'd have to cut it to look like Papa."
Suminghap na lang ako ng pagkahaba-haba. Ayoko sanang gawin iyon lalo na sa dahilan
niya pero hindi ko siya kayang tanggihan. I nodded and kissed him.

[ 23 Kabanata21 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 21
Hurt
It was a big decision for me. Iyon lang ang namana niya sa akin, and now he wants
to get rid of it to look more like his father. Siguro nga, ganoon. He's almost five
and he can now decide on his own. I should let him be.
Mabilis ang retention niya sa lahat ng sinabi ko kaya hindi ko na rin siya puwede
pang paasahin ng matagal. He completely understood that he lost a twin. He's sad
about it. He understands that his Lola doesn't want to go back to the Philippines.
He also understands that at some weekends, I still work for photoshoots. He
understands that I am working so I can afford his school, our food, and many more.
Bukod sa lahat ng iyon, naiintindihan niya rin kung bakit wala rito ang Papa niya.
Madalas kong inuulit iyon kahit na alam kong alam niya na. He doesn't mind me
telling him about it over and over again, I wonder if that's because it comforts
him.
"Okay. Can I first take many, many pictures of you with your long hair? I'm gonna
miss your manbuns and ponytails, Jacques."
Tumango siya at tumayo na.
Kahit pa pagod ako sa katatrabaho nang nagdaang weekend, tiniis ko iyon para lang
makasama na muna ang anak. On that Monday afternoon, we went to the park, to a
local icecream store, ate pizza, and took a lot of pictures.
"Your Papa is still busy working. I have to check his schedule and see if we can
take a bit of his time to talk about you," lagi kong paliwanag sa kanya.
Seryosong tumango si Jacques.
I was always careful not to give him negative thoughts about his father. Alam kong
nasasaktan na siya dahil wala ito sa tabi niya, kung dadagdagan ko pa iyon, hindi
ko na yata kakayanin pa.
"We don't agree on a bit of things, that's why he chose to stay in the Philippines
and not be with me."
Tumango ulit siya. "But... does Papa love Mama?"
Napatikhim ako roon, hindi agad ako nakasagot.
"He will surely love you, though," sabi ko.
Nag-iwas siya ng tingin, may malalim na iniisip. Kinakabahan ako. Hindi pa rin
talaga ako sanay sa mga tanong niya hanggang ngayon. Bakit pa kasi ito ang lesson
nila? Just a month, Amber. It will then change and soon we'll talk about fruits and
vegetables, math, senses, whatever.
"His name is Jacques, too, right?"
"Jax. I'll write his full name down when we get back so you know how it is spelled,
okay?"
He smiled and nodded. Pakiramdam ko, isang malaking pagsubok sa akin itong
pagpapagupit niya. Hindi ko kaya. Ayaw ko. Wala nga lang akong magagawa dahil iyon
ang gusto niya. Ayokong pangunahan siya sa kahit ganito ka simpleng bagay. I know
how it feels like to have no voice as a child because your parent decides for you.
Ganunpaman, I was still grateful for Mommy and how she raised me. Maybe it was the
proper way to raise a daughter like me. While I think this is the proper way to
raise a boy like Jacques.
Pumunta kami sa isang barbershop. Para akong baliw roon habang ginugupitan siya sa
gusto niyang gupit. Umiiyak ako sa gilid habang ngumingiti para mawala ang sama ng
loob. I even kept his long wavy hair with me. It means so much to me. Bukod kasi sa
marunong na nga siyang magdesisyon, it was like a symbol of his childhood slowly
changing and slipping away.
Nag dinner muna kami bago umuwi. Akala ko mapapagod siya ng husto pero hindi naman.
Nakatulog lang siya sa byahe pero gising na gising na ulit siya pagkarating sa
condo. Pumasok na kami at si Mommy agad ang nakita ko, umiinom ng wine, on her
black silky robe, staring at the New York City lights. The yellow lighting of the
cove illuminated the landing. Nilingon niya kami. Dumiretso si Jacques sa kanya
para humalik.
"Good evening!" Nikolai was on the kitchen preparing their usual wine and cheese
night.
Lumapit si Nikolai sa akin. Nagbeso kaming dalawa. Tatlong araw kasi akong wala
dahil sa trabaho.
"Good evening," I smiled at Nikolai.
I heard a long moan like that of a hurt animal from Mommy. Sabay naming nilingon ni
Nikolai si Mommy at nakita ko ang madrama niyang pagdaramdam habang tinitingnan ang
anak ko. Jacques wanted to go to our room but Mommy put him back in place, in front
of her.
"Amber! What did you do?"
She was shaking a bit while holding Jacques shoulders. Para siyang napapaso
kahahawak sa balikat ng anak ko. Kunot-noo ko silang nilapitan. Nikolai is stating
the obvious behind me.
"Oh. Haircut!"
"Good evening, Dada Nikolai!" si Jacques at nilapitan ito para humalik.
Nanatili ang mga mata ko kay Mommy. She looks so offended and shocked. Halos siya
matunaw sa sofa dahil sa madramang panghihina. Hinawakan ang dibdib na para bang
dinaramdam ang sakit doon. And she looked at me with wide offended eyes...
"What did you do to my grandson's hair, Amber?"
Nanliit ang mga mata ko ng ilang sandali, sumasagi sa isipan ang mga hula kung ano
ang nasa isip niya na dinadamdam niya ng ganito kalala.
"Why? He looks more handsome this way, Marem!" si Nikolai.
"I like it this way, Lola," Jacques said.
"Jacques, you should go to our room and take your night bath now," utos ko sa bata
dahil baka may masabi na naman si Mommy na hindi maganda. As much as possible, I
don't want Jacques to hear Mommy's weird comments about everything.
Sinunod naman ni Jacques ang sinabi ko. Humalukipkip ako at matamang tiningnan si
Mommy.
"Nagmukha siyang Riego!" himutok ni Mommy pagkapasok agad ni Jacques sa pintuan ng
kuwarto.
Tumawa si Nikolai. "No wonder he looks familiar with his hair clean cut! Throwback
ba, Marem?"
Umiling ulit ako sa disappointment. Sinimangutan ni Mommy si Nikolai. Pagkatapos ay
tumayo at mabilis na naglakad-lakad sa sala habang madramang hindi makahinga at
sumasakit ang ulo.
"Kawawa naman ang apo ko..." patuloy niya. "Ang guwapo guwapo niyang mahaba ang
buhok. Ngayon-"
"Guwapo pa rin, Maria Emilia. Mas gumuwapo nga. Siya ba ang pumili, Amber?"
"Oo. Gusto niya na raw magpagupit. Ayaw ko rin sana pero wala akong magawa. You
know him."
Nagkibit ng balikat si Nikolai at sabay kaming bumuntong-hininga habang tinitingnan
si Mommy.
One thing hasn't changed over the years - Mom's dislike over the Riegos. Although
she's toned it down a bit by not talking about them, ganito naman siya kapag napag-
uusapan lalo na pagdating kay Jacques. I know that she's just protective. Marami
siyang sinasabing hindi pa naman kumpirmado gaya ngayon.
"Hindi siya tatanggapin ng pamilyang iyon. Sinasabi ko sa'yo, Amber!"
"Hindi pa natin alam, Mommy. Hindi pa natin nasusubukan-"
Tumawa si Mommy. "You... You think this will all continue to be okay? To reconcile
with Jaxon?"
Heto na naman tayo. Alam ko namang kung anu-ano nalang minsan ang sinasabi ni Mommy
kapag nagpapanic siya. Paulit-ulit ko ring pinapaintindi sa kanya ang lahat.
"I am not up to reconciling with Jaxon, Mommy. Wala akong-"
"Planong mag-asawa! I've been there, Amber. And with your son now, I don't think
that's an option. You will soon realize how much you want a man beside you!" si
Mommy.
Umikot muli ang mga mata ko.
"Huwag na huwag kang magsasalita ng tapos dahil alam ko!" she pointed on her chest.
"Fine! If, one day, I will ever want a man beside me, then, alright. I will be open
to it. In the future. Pero Mommy, make no mistake, I am not hoping that Jaxon will
be available or will even want to be with me again. I don't mind kung may pamilya o
asawa na siya, o kung ayaw niya sa amin. I don't mind, Mommy. I am just saying that
I am not going to lie to my son and tell him that his Papa is dead or gone or
whatever just because I don't want him involved anymore!" dire-diretso kong sinabi.
"That man only fooled you, Amber!"
That was her forever argument. Isang bagay na mabilis na ring umukit sa aking
isipan simula pa noon. Inuulit-ulit kaya mas lalong nagmarka hanggang sa hindi na
makalimutan. Hanggang sa unti-unti ko nang naintindihan at natanggap. Hanggang sa
unti-unti na ring naglaho ang natitirang pagmamahal at napalitan ng pagkamuhi. At
hanggang sa unti-unti na ring nawalan na ng pagkamuhi, wala nang maramdaman...
namanhid na sa dami ng pagsubok ng buhay.
I have forgiven myself for being young and difficult, as I have forgiven him and
all of his mistakes, whatever it is.
"I know, alright! Kung mag-aasawa man ako in the future, that would be a new man in
my life! Someone who will accept us! Hindi si Jaxon, Mommy, kaya huwag kang mag-
alala."
I sharply remember how everything was during our dark days. Alam kong tama siya sa
hula niyang maaaring hindi tanggapin si Jacques ng mga Riego. That was her fault!
She made everyone believe that I married Nikolai, complete with props! Nagsisi siya
pero patuloy niya paring dinidipensahan ang dahilan.
"Everyone will believe that it's a complete happy family you got, Amber. And with a
rich and honorable man," that was her line always.
Kaya imbes na sumbatan siya sa parteng iyon, pinigilan ko na ang sarili ko. I have
forgiven her. I should forget. I have accepted everything else in my life and
dwelling on it won't push me forward.
Kinuha ko na lang sa bag ni Jacques ang artwork niya. Ipinakita ko iyon kay Mommy.
Kinuha ni Nikolai sa aking kamay at tinitigan iyon.
"Nice drawing. Galing ng batang 'to," si Nikolai.
"Ilang beses na niyang na idrawing ito at kanina, napag-usapan ulit namin."
"I told you, Amber. Dapat kasi sinabi mo na lang na si Nikolai ang Papa niya para
matigil na siya sa katatanong! Nikolai is a good man!"
"I am very much willing to be Jacques father, Marem. Pero may point naman si Amber.
Ang pangit ng nagsisinungaling sa bata."
"That's for his own good. Kita mo ngayon, naghahanap na!"
"I don't want him to live a lie, Mommy. I want my son to know everything."
"And then what? He'll ask you to go to the Philippines?"
"Mommy, kailangan naman din talaga kasi nating bumisita. You have to see Dad's
remaining properties! His relatives! Plus, we'll visit Lolo? He's already very old
that he can't visit here anymore. Hindi mo ba gustong gawin iyon?"
Natahimik si Mommy.
"I can visit. You can remain here with Jacques."
"Uuwi rin ako para makita si Lolo. I'm doing my best to transfer to another agency
now."
"Ano?" may iba na naman siyang hindi nagustuhan sa sinabi ko.
"Mas malaking agency at may staff sila na Pilipino. We met on the Burberry fashion
show and she offered me a big stint in the Philippines-"
"How about your contract! Big stints in the Philippines are tiny stints here,
Amber. Dito ka na lang!"
I glared at Mommy. Napapagod na akong mag-explain sa kanya. Kapag ganito ang pinag-
uusapan, laging ang ending ay tumigil na lang daw ako sa pagtatrabaho at kaya naman
namin. Ang hindi niya alam, para hindi niya magalaw ang pera ni Daddy, nagpapasok
ako ng pera sa account para pang shopping niya!
Wala pa rin siyang kupas. With Nikolai on her side, she's gracing the social halls
here in this city. Nalilibang siya roon kaya hinahayaan ko na kahit na sobrang
mahal na bisyo iyon. She's friends with top designers, kaya rin mabilis akong
makuha sa kahit anong brand.
Wala akong problema sa trabaho. My only social media account is monetized, para
magkapera ako. Nikolai told me to register on Youtube to make more money, ayaw ko
naman. I like to promote products through shoots and catwalk only. Pakiramdam ko,
masyadong personal ang video para gawin ko.
"Huwag ka nang umuwi sa Pilipinas! Wala kang makukuha roon. Just crap. You should
stay here with Jacques. Stop thinking about the Philippines."
"Why, Lola?"
Namilog ang mga mata ko. I saw Jacques on the doorway with neat damp hair and in
his pajamas. Nilingon ko si Mommy ng may tinging pagbabanta. Mommy smiled fakely.
Naglakad si Jacques patungo kay Mommy at kitang-kita ko ang takot ni Mommy para sa
apo.
"I want to go to the Philippines and visit Papa. Why should Mommy stop thinking
about it?" si Jacques.
"Well, hijo..." tumawa si Mommy at sumulyap sa amin ni Nikolai.
"Ayan. Go! Explain, Marem!" Humalakhak si Nikolai pagkatapos nagbigay na ng wine sa
akin.
Tamang kailangan ko nga yata nito habang pinagmamasdan si Mommy na hirap para sa
kanyang apo.
"You're not very good in speaking Filipino, you won't understand your Papa."
Muntik ko nang naibuga ang iniinom na wine sa argument ni Mommy!
"I know how to speak, Lola. I can learn more!" Jacques insisted. "I'll go to Tito
Klaudio. I understand what he says all the time. Marunong ako."
Napainom ng wine si Mommy. Pekeng ngiti ulit para kay Jacques bago ito tumango.
"Your Mama will have to do many things... earn so much money para makauwi tayo."
Parang kinukurot ang puso ko habang tinitingnan si Jacques na sobrang attentive,
tumatango, at hopeful sa mga sinasabi ni Mommy. Nilapitan ko si Jacques. I squatted
and hugged him from the back. Hindi siya gumalaw at nanatiling nakatitig kay Mommy.
"It's very expensive. We can't afford. So It will take time."
Nilingon ako ni Jacques. Mas lalo akong nasaktan sa mga mata niyang namumungay
habang tinitingnan ako.
"Is that why you are working so much, Mama?"
"Yeah..." nanginig ang boses ko.
"Maybe I can help, too? Can I work, too?"
I glared at Mommy. Malungkot na tumingin si Mommy sa amin. Nikolai sighed.
"Sasabihin ko na talaga, Marem, na ako ang gagastos sa inyo, makauwi lang kayo.
Kawawa ang bata, oh!"
Jacques looked at Nikolai. Kinabahan ako roon. Binalik niya sa akin ang tingin at
malalim na bumuntong-hininga.
"If it's really that hard, I don't want Mama to be tired. Huwag na lang po tayo
pumunta."
Parang hinihiwa ang puso ko. Kanina ko pa pinipigilan ang luha ko pero ngayon,
hindi ko na yata kaya. Tuloy-tuloy na bumagsak ang luha ko. Our situation may not
be perfect but I am very much in love with his life, because of my son.
Humihikbi na ako sa harap ng anak ko. Niyakap ko siya ng sobrang higpit.
Pinapangako kong kung may manakit sa kanya, kahit na sino, lalaban ako para sa
kanya. If the Riegos won't acknowledge him, I would understand because I know what
happened in the past. I know my mistakes and my Mom's mistakes. Hinding-hindi ko
siya ipipilit doon. Sasabihin ko lang at ipapakita sa kanya ang tunay niyang ama.
Pagkatapos, uuwi rin kami rito para magpatuloy sa buhay na naiwan.
This is no longer about Jaxon or the Riegos acknowledgement. This is only for
Jacques. For him to know who his real father is. And that's the end of it.
Hinawakan ni Jacques ang pisngi ko, ang luha ko. Kinuha ko ang kamay niya at
hinalikan iyon.
"No, we will go, Jacques. Just give me time, okay? We will, I promise you. We will.
Okay?"
"It's okay..." he said seriously.
Niyakap din kami ni Mommy ng sobrang higpit. She kissed Jacques forehead and
whispered...
"We will go, Jacques. Just give us time, okay? I promise," sabi ni Mommy.
Hindi na ulit kami nagtalo ni Mommy tungkol doon. She doesn't comment anymore about
it. Alam ko lang na bumigay na siya, hindi na kami pinagbabawalan.
That year, I worked harder for the end of my contract in that agency. Mahirap
magbago ng agency lalo na't medyo napamahal na ako sa dati. It's a new environment
so it will take a while for me to adjust. Lalo na dahil mas maraming bigatin sa
bagong agency na iyon.
"I have no plans to stay in the Philippines for a long time," paliwanag ko sa isang
staff na siyang nag offer sa akin.
"That's okay. Hahanapan kita ng malaking offer. I actually have the biggest offer
just yet soon. It's under Uni."
Tumango ako, medyo naging interesado dahil isang malaking consumer goods company
iyon na meron sa halos lahat ng bansa.
"Whole Asia gagamitin ang Ads. Sa Philippines lang isho-shoot since the President
of Southeast Asia and Australasia will be there. Kaya lang, the premium models in
the Philippines are trying it out, too. I wonder if the company will prefer someone
from there..." Kunot-noo niyang inisip iyon. "But I can recommend you."
Tumango ako. "Sige, titingnan ko lang. Iniisip ko kasi, if we live there for six
months or a year, I need to have a job or something. But... if it's really that
hard to get in, I'll see if I can compromise for any related work."
"Gusto mo bang mag showbiz?"
Agaran akong umiling. "No."
"Sayang. Medyo matunog na sana ang pangalan mo. You're a Sevilla and the stats of
your socmed, half of it are Filipino teens. Marami nang nakakakilala sa'yo."
Ngumiti ako. "Uh... Ayokong pumasok sa showbiz. Just modeling."
"Sayang no? Nabuntis ka? No offense, ha. Gumanda ka lalo ngayon at namaintain mo
ang katawan mo, pero that really turned your life, right? Ikaw pa naman sana iyong
pambato namin noon sa pageants. You have a potential! You can be big!"
Sanay na akong makarinig ng ganyan sa mga tao sa paligid. Noong una, naooffend pa
ako. Kalaunan, binabalewala ko na lang.
"That's okay. I don't think hilig ko ang pageants. It's just my Mom. She wants it.
Ako... I'm fine with modeling," sabi ko. "So... for me, nothing was lost at all."
Tumawa siya. "Sige. I'll inform you if there's a development. Pati na rin ang ibang
puwede kong ioffer, ha? Hindi ka puwedeng bigyan ng maliit na gig, e. You're big
here in New York under many large brands."
Medyo huminahon naman ang pag-uusap namin ni Jacques tungkol sa pag-uwi. Minsan,
naiisip ko, nakalimutan niya ba o dinibdib niya na huwag na lang kaming pumunta ng
Pilipinas kung mapapagod ako sa trabaho? The latter hurt me. Kaya naman sa sumunod
na taon, ang naging priority ko ay ang pag-uwi na.
"Wala rin namang tao sa condo ko, Amber. It was given to me for a favor and that's
all. Kahit si Klaus, hindi nga alam na meron ako noon!" si Nikolai.
"Puwede na sana pang escapade n'yo ng boyfriend mo," sabi ko.
"Hindi no! Sa Germany lang kami magkikita. Hindi ko 'yon dadalhin sa Pilipinas," he
said.
"Bibili ako ng condo," pilit ko.
"At ano? Teenager na si Jacques bago kayo pumunta? Come on! Be practical!" si
Nikolai.
Natulala ako. Meron pa naman akong pera pero eto kasing si Mommy, hindi papayag
kung hindi malaki at maganda ang condo.
"I will not live in a two-bedroom bloody condo unit, Amber! Saan matutulog ang
cook... tapos ang kasambahay for Jacques!" she lamented. "I can shell out millions
if you want but it's not practical when Nikolai has a nice condo."
Here we go again.
"Puwede ako roon ng ilang months pero bibili ako ng two-bedroom kapag nakahanap ako
ng magandang deal."
"Darling, no! Oh, I'll live in your Daddy's mansions! Nevermind!" iritadong sinabi
ni Mommy.
"Kung gusto mo, Mommy, ikaw na lang sa condo ni Nikolai. Huwag ka nang sumama sa
amin ni Jacques," medyo iritado ko ring nasabi.
"No! I will be with my grandson!" she said.
"Amber, hindi ka naman magtatagal doon, 'di ba? Come on, take it," si Nikolai.
But I stand by my decision. Puwede akong tumira kay Nikolai ng ilang linggo o buwan
bago ako kukuha ng condo na malilipat, puwedeng rent or what. I just don't want to
rely on Nikolai too much. Alam kong gustuhin man ni Mommy na sumama, hindi niya
kayang gawin iyon. She'd probably stay on Nikolai's condo unit or go to the
province, sa mga mansion ni Daddy. She's obsessed with luxury living. She's
disgusted with anything that's below it.
"For a while, okay. Pero talagang maghahanap ako ng rent, Nikolai. Si Mommy na lang
sa condo mo."
Umirap si Mommy at uminom na lang ng wine. Binaba ito pagkatapos nagsalita.
"Fine. Araw-araw na lang kitang bibisitahin sa lunggang gusto mo."
I glared at her again. Ang sakit sa ulo. She glared back at me.
"I raised you to be high class, why do you choose to live like a rat?"
Okay. I know that my Mom is really mean for some reason. I love her, though. And
all her words like these offends me before, pero ngayon natatawanan ko na lang.
"Mommy, middle class. And if I work, Nikolai's condo is a bit far. Maghahanap ako
ng malapit. Traffic na roon. Hindi ka makakarelate kasi hindi ka naman yata lalabas
sa condo para magtrabaho."
Umirap lang siya nagpatuloy sa pag-inom ng kanyang wine. May pahabol pa.
"Buy a Benz," she said.
I wanna faint now. Wala na bang katapusan itong pag-aaway namin, kahit sa maliit na
bagay.
"I have a-" hindi ko na pinatapos si Nikolai.
"I'm gonna buy a Honda. Huwag na kayong maarte, puwede?"
Suminghap si Mommy. Tumawa naman si Nikolai.
"Sige, meron ako. Ipagbibili ko, oo na!" inunahan na ako ni Nikolai. "Second hand,
hindi masyadong gamit, mura lang. Ano? Okay ka na, Amber?"
Ngumisi ako pagkatapos nilapitan ang dismayadong si Mommy. I hugged her tight.
"Mom, uwi ka na lang sa Costa Leona para buhay reyna ka. O sa probinsya ni Dad."
Ubos lahat ng luxury cars namin noon. Wala yatang natira kahit isa kaya wala talaga
kaming magagamit.
"I don't want people to see you this way," she said silently.
I know what she meant by that. It's a cruel thought but I am used to her. Ayaw
niyang ipakitang naghihirap nga kami kumpara sa dati. If ever, it['s her pleasure
to show off and let everyone see that we improved the past years.
"I want them to see that you've been successful... Despite everything."
Ngumiti ako. "I think I'm successful, Mommy, regardless of the brands of my
properties."
Hinalikan ko si Mommy. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at bumuntong-hininga na lang.
Buo na ang loob ko sa pagbalik sa Pilipinas. Natanggap na rin ni Mommy. I just
don't know when to do it. The push that finally made me do it was that particular
time.
Isang tawag ang natanggap ko galing sa school ni Jacques. Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng
isang photoshoot para sa isang perfume collection. Mabuti na lang at patapos na
iyon. Kaya hindi na ako nag-abala pang mag-ayos ng mukha. I just put on clean
clothes and run to his school to see him.
Dumiretso ako sa prefect, sa teacher. Kinausap nila ako sa nangyari at humingi na
rin ng tawad, ganoon din ako. They wanted us to be counselled, o kahit si Jacques
lang. Sinabi kong pag-iisipan ko muna at kakausapin ko muna ang anak.
Lumabas ako ng opisina at tiningnan siyang nakahilig sa dingding. He's looking at
his shoes, kicking a bit, while both his hands are on his pocket. I sighed and went
to him.
Nag-angat siya ng tingin. Kapag seryoso siya o galit, mas lalo niyang nagiging
kamukha si Jax. Lalo pa kapag may gusto siyang ipaglaban na kahit ano. His passion
reminds me of his father's passion. I squatted again so our eyes would level. I
smiled to him.
"I already know what happened. Your teacher told me but... I want to hear it from
you, too. What happened?"
"I made you worry. I'm sorry," he said.
I swallowed hard. An image of someone flashed on his face for a while. Kinailangan
ko pang kumurap bago bumalik sa nangyayari.
"Jacques..." I hugged him tight for a while.
Nanatili ang malulungkot niyang mga mata sa sahig. Nag-angat lang siya sa akin nang
nagsalita.
"Sinabi niya sa akin, I have no Papa. I told him I have. That he's in the
Philippines. He wouldn't believe me. He said Papa doesn't want us that's why we
never saw each other. He said Papa doesn't love me."
Kinagat ko ang labi ko.
"That's not true. He's just busy. I know."
Hindi ako makapagsalita. Parang may nagbabara sa lalamunan ko habang tinitingnan
siyang ganito.
Napaaway siya dahil doon. Nalaman kong sinuntok niya ang kaklase niya dahil doon.
He was brought to the prefect. Jacques was never the violent type but I never
thought that this topic would push him that mad.
To teach him, I have to be strong myself. Kahit gaano na kasakit ang nararamdaman
ko, kailangan kong umayos para sa kanya.
"Hurting people is not good. There is no acceptable reason for it. Though, I
understand that controlling your emotions is hard. I can't even control mine, at
times, Jacques. So we'll just work hard to do that everyday, okay? I'll tell you
whatever is bugging me. You'll tell me what's bugging you, too. That way, you can
express your feelings better without hurting anyone."
He nodded sadly.
"And you're right, your Papa is busy in the Philippines. He's working. You know
that."
Nang inangat niya sa akin ang tingin niya, nakita ko ang namumuong luha roon. Para
akong pinapatay habang tinitingnan niya ng ganoon. Nauna pang tumulo ang luha ko sa
kanya.
"Bakit hindi siya pumunta rito? Is it so far? Is it so expensive? He's been working
so much already. Is it still not enough?" nabasag ang boses niya.
Niyakap ko siya ng sobrang higpit. Nanginginig ako sa sobrang pag-iyak.
"I only did that because I think what he said was true. Maybe... Papa doesn't
really want us! And I don't like it, Mama..." he cried on my shoulder.
Panay ang hikbi ko. Pilit kong inaayos ang sarili ko at hinarap siya.
"No... No, Jacques, that's not true. Okay?" pilit ko. "Uuwi tayo ng Pilipinas. I
promise you, I'll get our tickets today."
He nodded.
"But we have to wait, okay? I... still have to find him. I still need to talk to
him, okay? If we go to the Philippines, can you wait a bit till you meet him?"
"Of course, I can. I've waited for too long. A bit is nothing."
Nangiti ako sa sinabi ng anak. Niyakap ko ulit siya ng mahigpit. Now, if I get back
to that country and see Jaxon, I'll make sure we'll be okay. I can even offer him
friendship basta lang umayos kaming dalawa at maipakita kay Jacques na ayos ang
lahat. Hindi ako magpapadalos-dalos. Unti-unti kong aayusin ang kahit ano para sa
huli, matatanggap nila si Jacques at sasaya ang anak ko.

[ 24 Kabanata22 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 22
Plan
After seven long years, we are back. Inayos kong mabuti ang schedule namin at
siniguradong ang ticket na kinuha ay iyong pagkatapos ng pasukan nina Jacques.
Bago rin kami nag-impake, nangalap na ako ng impormasyon. I know that I could ask
Nikolai about it but that man just couldn't hold his tongue, ikukuwento niya iyon
kay Mommy. Kahit pa sumang-ayon si Mommy, marami pa rin siyang sinasabi. So
instead, I did my own research. The first thing I did was contact my cousin, Nieves
or Snow. She's in the Philippines and she married Jax's brother.
I find it weird and offending to ask her about important things on my first call
kaya nakipagcatch up na lang muna ako sa kanya. Nalaman din iyon ni Mommy kasi wala
akong ibang paraan para ma contact siya kundi ang manghingi ng paraan para ma
contact siya kay Mommy.
Nasa harapan ko si Mommy, hindi kita sa screen nang nagkausap kami ni Snow
pagkatapos ng mahabang panahon. Nahihiya pa nga ako kasi nasa trabaho ata siya.
"Kumusta na, Amber? You look so pretty now, I've seen your ads and shoots, you look
so stunning always!"
"Thank you, Snow."
"I thought I'd never hear from you again. Tuwing tumatawag kasi si Tita Marem,
laging sinasabi na busy ka na raw sa buhay mo riyan."
Nag-angat ako ng tingin kay Mommy saglit. Umirap siya at tumitig na rin sa akin.
Binalik ko sa screen ang titig ko.
"Oo. Medyo kaya hindi ako nakatawag talaga."
"Okay lang 'yon. Alam ko naman na mahirap na talaga kapag working na at... alam mo
na. Halos wala na masyadong oras para sa ibang bagay."
"Tama," I agreed. "Nasabi rin ba ni Mommy na uuwi kami?"
She stilled for a long while, namilog ang bibig habang nakatitig sa screen niya.
She's in her office and she's wearing a very corporate suit. Nakakahiya talagang
nang-iistorbo pa ako ng ganito.
"H-Hindi niya nasabi. Talaga? Uuwi kayo?"
"Yup. But I'm not sure if we will visit Costa Leona anytime soon. Baka sa Manila na
lang muna kami. Kapag tapos ko na ang kailangan kong gawin, 'tsaka ako bibisita."
"A-Anong kailangan mong gawin? Baka makatulong ako?"
Walang alam si Snow tungkol sa buhay ko. Kung sinabihan man siya ng asawa niya,
pakiramdam ko hindi pa rin maganda na biglain siya ngayong unang pag-uusap namin
'to pagkatapos ng ilang taon.
"Hmm. I'll call you again for that, okay lang ba?"
"Oo naman! You can always call!"
Ngumiti ako.
"Is this for vacation? Uuwi ka agad?"
"Hindi pa ako sigurado. Depende sa kailangan. P-Pero... kung matutuloy ako roon sa
isang offer sa akin diyan, baka patapusin ko na lang ang project."
"Offer? Anong offer?" si Snow na kuryosong kuryoso.
I don't need to share this but I think I owe her some details so I did.
"Hindi pa naman ako nakakapasok and if I won't get in, I'll try other things but
the offer was from Uni. For Ads. Kaso... priority ata nila Philippines-based models
kaya maghahanap na lang ako ng iba."
"Itry mo muna 'yon! Malaking offer 'yan, ah?" she seems so sure about it.
Tumango ako. "Yup. Baka isa 'yan sa una kong asikasuhin kaya hindi muna ako
makakauwi. Bibisita rin siguro kami kay Lolo at sa mga Sevilla properties and
mansions."
"Oh! Good luck! Kailan ba ang uwi n'yo?"
"First week next month?"
"Oh my! Ang lapit na! Sige, susubukan kong lumuwas. We need to see each other for a
lot of catch up, Amber."
"Okay. Thank you, Snow. Sorry ngayon lang ako sumubok na tumawag."
"Walang anuman. I'm now excited!"
It was brief call pero paulit-ulit niyang sinabi na luluwas siya kasama ang asawa
at anak. Nagkatinginan kami ni Mommy pagkatapos. Tumayo na ako at lumapit naman
siya sa akin.
"Wala 'yon doon. Balita ni Nikolai, nasa Australia noon."
Sinundan ko ng tingin si Mommy habang pinapatay ang laptop at nagliligpit siya ng
gamit. Nagulat ako sa impormasyong narinig kay Mommy. Nagdadalawang isip pa ako.
Mamaya isa na naman ito sa mga kung anu-ano niyang sinasabi.
"Totoo ba 'yan, Mommy? Baka puwedeng sa susunod kong tawag, magtanong na ako kay
Snow at makikiusap akong pauuwiin muna siya saglit at may pag-uusapan kami in
person?" medyo desperada kong nasabi.
Tumawa si Mommy. "Habol ka nang habol diyan, wala namang kuwenta."
I glared at my Mom and rolled my eyes again. Like my initial prediction, wala
talaga akong makukuhang magandang sabihin ni Mommy. Kaya imbes na makinig sa kanya,
sa sumunod na araw noon, kay Phillie na ako nagpatulong.
It's been years since she told me that she's going to search for Jax. Hindi niya na
ako binalitaan tungkol doon. Iniisip ko busy na siya dahil nagtatrabaho na rin siya
sa kumpanya nila kaya wala na siyang panahon para mag research. Malaking
pagkakamali ang akalang iyon. Dahil nang tinanong ko na siya tungkol doon, nalaman
kong marami siyang alam!
"Hindi ba sinabi mo ayaw mong malaman?" mataray niyang sinabi.
"Kailangan ko na ngayon. I need information about him since we are coming back to
the Philippines. Naghahanap si Jacques, Phillie."
She sighed. Kitang kita ko ang pagkabigo sa itsura niya sa tanong ko.
"What? Do you have any idea? Did you research when you said you will?" sunud-sunod
kong tanong.
Kinagat niya ang labi niya at kinuha ang cellphone. Kinabahan ako roon. Phillie is
always loud when something is funny. This time, it feels like she will break a sad
news to me. Inagapan ko na iyon.
"I told you, ayos lang sa akin kung may asawa, pamilya, girlfriend siya, okay? I
just wanna know where he is right now. And then... I'll search for his schedule and
see if I can see him so we can talk."
"Fine..." Phillie glared at me.
Naghintay ako sa sasabihin niya. Ilang sandaling tahimik siya bago tuluyang
nagsalita.
"Jaxon Archibald Riego. Nagresearch ako about him, turns out he is directly related
to the Riegos of VHRV? Iyong pinakamalaking developer sa bansa? Though, I'm not
sure because you said his family is poor when the Riegos are filthy rich."
Nagtaas ako ng kilay. I know that company but I am not very familiar with what she
said.
"Baka naman..." Ngumuso ako, hindi na nagpatuloy dahil nagpatuloy si Phillie.
"I didn't tell you that because I am not very sure but his brother, has his own
construction company kaya naisip kong tama siguro ako. And then, I just know then
that he was working out of the country under an oil company."
"That's possible. He was accepted, noong kami..." Ngumuso ako nang naalala ang mga
desisyong pinagawa ko sa kanya noon.
I feel so guilty about it. I feel like I am responsible for stopping him from
improving his career. Mabuti na lang ang kung totoo ang sinabi ni Phillie, nakabawi
naman siya.
"Well, I am not sure about this but I've learned that he got promoted to a high
rank on that company some years ago so he's leading here in the Philippines and
some part of Asia. Iyon ang alam ko."
Tumikhim ako at tumango.
"So it's safe to say that he may be in another country today. You should ask Snow.
Pero na... nagkita kami sa iilang social gathering minsan."
"Talaga?" nagulat ako roon kasi dapat inasar niya na ako kung totoo iyon.
"Yeah, and he was so hot. I can't believe you!"
"You're kidding me. Ba't ngayon mo lang sinabi? Hindi mo ako inasar noon? Hindi mo
na kuwento. You're bluffing!" giit ko dahil hindi makapaniwala na ngayon lang ito
sinabi ni Phillie. She'd take every opportunity to hate on me. Imposibleng hindi
niya ito naisip noon.
"O sige! Sasabihin ko na! Bahala ka ha!" aniya.
"You're bluffing! Picture mo lang siguro nakita!" giit ko.
"Hindi! Nakita ko. Dalawang beses. Iyong isa, malayo kami. Pangalawang party,
nakita ko up close! Damn you, he's so handsome! Sasabihin ko sana sa'yo. Aasarin
sana kita-"
"O, ba't mo nga 'di sinabi? Ba't 'di mo ako inasar? You're bluffing!"
"S'yempre may kasamang babae, e. Nahihirapan akong sabihin sa'yo. Hindi ako sure
kung totoo bang naka move on ka na!"
Umirap ako.
"Iyon lang naman pala! Of course, it's okay with me! Dapat sinabi mo na noon!"
Umirap na rin siya at mas inayos ang boses. "Amber, pagkakita ko sa mukha ang unang
sumagi sa isip ko, 'Ah... sure ako. Hindi pa nakakamove on si Amber nito.' He's
that fucking handsome! And I remember you telling me that he isn't!"
"Because it was true! He's not exactly handsome for me... he's just..." I paused.
"Hot, I guess."
Parang pinapatay na hayop ang sigaw at tawa ni Phillie sa kabilang linya. Mabilis
ang pindot ko sa laptop nang sa ganoon mabawasan ang ingay niya. Nakakainis!
"Bakit? Pinagnanasaan mo pa? Sa shower ba, Amber, nag iimagine ka? Pang release
lang bale?"
Uminit ang pisngi ko. Kung nandito lang talaga siya sa harap ko, sinaktan ko na
siya.
"Shut up, Philomena! Nakakadiri ka!"
"Ilang taon ka na ring wala. Understandable na tigang ka. Lalo na kapag ganoon ka-
hot ang una at huli mo. Hot papa." She laughed hysterically again. "Iniimagine mo
pa lang, mag bi-big O ka na!"
"Baka ikaw diyan! Naghiwalay na kayo ng boyfriend mo, 'di ba? Huwag mo akong igaya
sa'yo. Balikan mo na lang 'yon para tumigil ka na sa kakapantasya mo riyan."
"Sus!" she said. "Selosa naman. Damot! Hindi na ako makikipagbalikan doon no!"
"It was a wrong decision, Phillie. You know what? Iyong lalaking iyon ang dapat na
para sa'yo. He can control you. He's serious while you're crazy."
"Ah basta! Ayoko! Nasasakal ako. Winawala mo ang usapan? Ayaw mong pag-usapan na
tin si Papa Jax?" she said breathily.
Hindi ko alam kung pang-ilang irap ko na 'to. "Walang asawa? O pamilya? Kasi
mahihirapan ako kung meron-"
She laughed hysterically again. "Talaga ba?"
"S'yempre! Paano ko siya imi-meet kung meron siyang asawa? Paano kami mag-uusap
kung may pamilya siya? As much as I want Jacques to know his father, I don't want
to wreck a home!"
"Fine! I'll research at baka iyong dinala niya sa huling pagkikita namin, asawa na
'yon."
Nagtaas ako ng kilay. "Bakit? Iba ang dala niya sa dalawang pagkakataon?"
"Yes. The first one was a half-French model. Relative ng mga socialite na Leviste.
The second one, I'm not familiar."
"Baka si Rowena. May girlfriend siya noon sa Costa Leona na maganda rin. Rowena ang
pangalan."
"Tingin mo andun pa rin iyon? Ang bigtime na nitong si Jaxon, magti-tiyaga sa pa-"
"Well, I don't know. He likes that girl so we can't judge. Anyway, alamin mo na
lang kung may pamilya o asawa. Kung girlfriend lang pala, then that's okay. I think
I can still approach him, if ever. 'Tsaka kung nasaan ang office niya o nasa
Philippines ba."
Tumawa ulit si Phillie. "Kung girlfriend lang pala. Hmm. Okay, I will. I'm excited,
Amber! Uuwi na talaga kayo!"
Ilang oras pang tumagal ang usapan naming dalawa. So far, si Phillie pa ang
maraming impormasyong naibigay sa akin. Hindi na kasi ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataong
tumawag ulit kay Snow dahil naging mabilis ang oras. Before I knew it, we're
already landing on NAIA. I am already squatting in front of a sleepy Jacques to
explain to him what we are going to do that week.
"We are going to visit Lolo first, okay?" sabi ko.
He nodded obediently.
"When we're done, we'll go back to Dada Nikolai's condo. We will live there until I
find a smaller one."
"It's okay, Mama. Take your time."
Ngumiti ako. "I'm just telling you. Also... Tita Phillie and Tito Harper will visit
us."
He smiled, too.
"I won't work this week yet. Next week na so let's just enjoy this first, okay?"
The heat here in the Philippines is like no other. Mabuti na lang at sumama si
Nikolai sa amin pauwi. Siya na mismo ang nagkarga sa tulog kong anak. Nahihirapan
na kasi akong kargahin ito dahil medyo mabigat na. Hindi na naman siya nagpapakarga
dahil malaki na raw siya kaso naaawa ako, first time niyang bumyahe ng matagal at
napagod ng ganito kaya hindi ko na ginising.
Sinundo kami ng Limousine nina Nikolai. Mommy liked everything so much that when
some media covered it, she waved at them cockily.
Hindi ko maipagkakailang malaking tulong nga ang pagiging eksklusibo ng unit ni
Nikolai. Natanto ko kasing may mga uhaw sa balita tungkol kay Mommy at maaaring
kuryoso na rin sa akin. His condo gave us the privacy that we need.
Isang buong araw ang kinailangan namin para mag adjust. At nang nagising si Jacques
galing sa mahabang pagtulog, ang agad niyang binisita ay ang bintana. He looked at
the vast view of the city, very unlike the ocean of skyscrapers in New York, but I
knew that the messy Manila is immediately his favorite.
Ang unang dalawang araw namin doon, iginugol namin sa pagbisita kay Lolo. He was
weak but he can still smile and humor Jacques noong nakilala. Ang gusto ni Mommy
manatili si Lolo sa ospital sa Manila but Tita Athena said that he wants to be in
the province, not in the city.
"Sa Costa Leona niya nga gusto, Amber, e. Kaso ayaw ng Tito mo. Paano kasi kung
sakaling may problema, mas lalong malayo sa ospital."
Tumango ako. "Tama si Tito. Though at least the view here would remind him of Costa
Leona..." sabi ko sabay tingin sa mabining dagat na humahampas sa dalampasigan.
It was a quiet two days, only colored with Jacques' smiles. Sinundo kami ni Nikolai
sa huli. I can sense Tita Athena's unasked questions. I thought she'd finally ask
in the end pero umuwi kami ng tahimik lang siya at wala nang tanong pa.
We also visited some of our mansions. Jacques was so amazed to see the old houses
from Daddy's family. He liked it there so much. Parang kinukurot ang puso ko nang
nakita kong takbo siya nang takbo sa dalampasigan. Masayang masaya siya rito na
halos isipin ko nang doon muna kami manatili.
By the end of the week, we're back in the city for Phillie and Harper's visit.
Tuwang-tuwa si Jacques sa pagbisita ng dalawa. Bukod sa may mga regalo siyang
natanggap, marunong pang sumabay ang dalawa sa mga tanong ni Jacques sa kung anu-
anong bagay.
"We should celebrate your comeback! Gusto mo lumabas tayo? Club, ganoon, like
usual?"
Nagkatinginan kami ni Harper. Naalala ko kasi iyong huling nag bar kami bago
umalis. I was so drunk then, after my birthday celebration. Ngayon nga halos wala
akong maalala na sa nangyari pero isa lang ang sigurado ko, naghalikan kami ni
Harper at dumating iyon kay Jax. Doon talaga nagsimula ang away naming dalawa.
"We should find something wholesome to do," si Harper na mukhang nakuha ang iniisip
ko.
Napawi ang ngiti ni Phillie at masamang tinitigan si Harper. Walang pinagbago ang
dalawa sa pisikal na kaanyuan. Phillie was the same curly-haired girl, just this
time it's longer than her usual shoulder length hair. Harper is the same angelic
face, with clean cut hair, and the only thing that changed on him - his formal and
serious clothing.
"Maganda na naman 'yong idea kong bar, ah? Mag-iisang taon na yata akong hindi
naggaganoon kababawal sa akin ng ex ko!"
Harper smirked. "Pinagbawalan ka for a certain reason and that is because you're so
wild when you're drunk."
"You have a point but that was before I broke up with him. Single na ako kaya kung
magpakawild man ako sa bar, okay lang..." Phillie smirked.
Nagkakasalubong ang kilay ni Harper katitingin kay Phillie. Naiirita siya, alam ko,
pero pinaninindigan ang pagkapormal kaya nanatiling tiim-bagang. Phillie made a
face. Pinagsasamantalahan niya ang iritasyon ni Harper para inisin pa siya lalo sa
mga ipinapakita niyang mukha.
"Stop it, you two! Puwede ba? Fine, Phillie. We can do that. Patapusin n'yo lang
muna ako roon sa-"
"-Hinahanap mo?" si Phillie.
"Hindi! Sa go-sees ko para wala na akong inaalala." I sighed. "Titingnan ko rin
kung pasok ba sa budget ko ang magiging fee ko roon para makakuha na kami ng sarili
naming two-bedroom unit ni Jacques."
Gulat si Harper habang tinitingnan ako. Meanwhile, Phillie looked around the
beautiful interiors of Nikolai's condo unit.
"Bakit ka pa kukuha ng unit? Meron ka nito?" si Harper.
"I know... but... si Mommy na lang siguro rito."
"Eh, kung mag bayad ka na lang kay Nikolai ng rent para matahimik na ang kaluluwa
mo? Papayag na 'yon kesa sa umalis ka-"
"Bakit ka magbabayad ng rent?" litung-lito na si Harper.
Nagkatinginan kami ni Phillie. Why is Harper so shocked? Is there a problem?
"Kasi ayokong umasa sa kanya?" paliwanag ko.
"Mag-asawa na kayong dalawa, 'di ba?" si Harper na gulong-gulo pa rin.
Humagalpak sa tawa si Phillie. I stood there in awe and wide eyed as I watched
Harper's confused expression!
Ilang taon siyang naniwala na kasal kami ni Nikolai! Hindi nga namin iyon napag-
usapan ito, natanto ko lang din noon. I just assumed that he knew now I realize he
didn't. Ngayon ko lang din na explain sa kanya ang lahat at halos hindi siya
makapaniwala at makagalaw sa mga sinabi ko.
"Sa bagay, I understand. Many people believed that you did marry Nikolai."
"Bakit ka p-pumayag? Amber, are you joking?" si Harper. "No..." umiling siya.
"Binibiro n'yo ako. Pinagkakaisahan n'yo ako. I saw the invitation. I saw pictures!
Sabihin mo na lang na divorced na kayo, maniniwala pa ako. Pero... eto... hindi!"
Nagulat ako sa kaseryosohan at intensidad ng paninindigan ni Harper. Ganoon din si
Phillie sa kanya.
"Even my parents believed that you got married! Everyone! May usapang divorced ka
na, 'yon lang, pero eto... hindi."
Ganoon ka lala ang ipinakalat na balita ni Mommy noong buntis pa ako. It was that
convincing, I realized after that. Ni ayaw pang maniwala ni Harper sa huli kaya
sinabihan na lang ni Phillie na pag-uusapan ulit sa susunod na pagkikita.
Ni hindi pa kami umabot sa tungkol kay Jacques. Phillie also believed that Jacques
was Nikolai's, then. Ilang taon din siyang naniwala noon. Hindi na ako magtataka
kung Harper, ganoon na rin ang paniniwala.
"You are set for catwalk sa kaibigan kong designer," nagdesisyon na si Mommy para
sa akin nang nakita niya akong nag-aayos na.
After almost a week, ngayon pa lang ako lalabas para roon sa tinutukoy ng agency
ko. Noong huli naming pag-uusap, marami raw talagang nanunubok para roon pero
susubukan ko pa rin. Mommy used her power now to land me in some good catwalks and
shoot. I don't really like it when she does it for me pero hahaba na naman ang
usapan kung makikipagtalo pa ako.
"Thanks..." sabay halik ko kay Mommy.
Jacques is in full gear basketball attire with a ball on his left hand. Pinanood
niya ako habang palapit sa kanya. Kanina pa siya naglalaro at tumigil lang nang
nakitang aalis na ako.
I squatted, even in heels, just so our eyes would level.
"What do you want to have when I go home later?" I asked him.
"Wala po," he said politely. "Just Mama."
Suminghap ako. "I'll buy you a new pair of jersey if I have time, okay?"
He nodded and smiled. Hinalikan ko siya sa labi bago ako tumayo at kinuha na ang
bag.
"Unahin mo na lang iyong sa kaibigan ko. That's more fancy than your offer. Maliit
pero mas glamorosa," singit ulit ni Mommy.
"Tingnan ko po."
Habang nagmamaneho, naisip ko rin ang nasabi ni Mommy. If it is really that hard to
get in that offer, okay na rin sa akin iyong mga glamorosa gaya ng offer niya. I
can talk to my agent now.
Tinitigan ko ang traffic. Isa pa sa nakadagdag sa desisyon ko ay ang traffic dito.
Malayo pa ako sa go-see noong malaking offer samantalang kapag liliko ako sa sunod
na traffic light, makakarating na ako doon sa isa.
I took my phone out to call my agent. I have to tell her that I changed my mind a
bit pero laking gulat ko nang nakitang may tumawag - si Phillie iyon.
Lumiko na ako patungo sa mas maliliit na offer. Tutal kapag natapos din ako rito,
baka puwede pa akong humabol sa offer na iyon. I'm just securing one sure offer,
right?
"Amber!" she's panicking.
"Yes? Stop screaming, I'm driving! Hirap pa ako, sobrang traffic na pala talaga."
"Asan ka na? Nag go-see ka na? Unahin mo 'yong sa Uni! My gosh you have to!"
"Tatawagan ko pa 'yong agent ko dahil dito muna ako sa kaibigan ni Mommy-"
"Dumiretso ka na sa go-see mo sa Uni! Kasi may nalaman ako!"
"Ano?" kalmado kong sinasabi habang nagpapark na.
"Si Jaxon Riego 'yong head ng Australasia!"
Halos tumilapon ako nang biglaan kong natapakan ang preno dahil sa narinig para sa
kaibigan.
"T-Talaga?"
"Oo! Nasabi ng pinsan ko na kilala ang mga Riego!"
"That's impossible. You just said he's under the oil refinery."
"He's a director of that company now here in the Philippines. I think he's bought
stocks kaya nasa ibang industry siya. It makes sense because the director of Uni,
that's based in London, was then his boss on that refinery!"
Ilang saglit akong napatitig sa manibela. Alam kong pinaghandaan ko ito pero
kinabahan pa rin ako. Saglit nga lang dahil mas nangibabaw ang kagustuhan ng anak.
Hindi na nagtagal, pinihit ko na ang sasakyan at muling humalo sa traffic para lang
makapunta sa go-see na iyon.
My agent was already waiting on the lobby of that modern large busy building. Dire-
diretso ang lakad ko.
"Why are you late?" she asked.
"I'm sorry, hindi ako naging time conscious. I never thought it's that traffic
already," sabi ko.
"W-Well, that's okay pero sana nag bigay tayo ng good impression. The staffs are
nasty. Si Hubert lang nakakausap ko ng matino roon. You know Hubert? He's scouting
some models for it. One of the judges... Iyong apo ng may-ari ng-"
Tuloy-tuloy ang lakad namin patungo sa lift. I checked my outfit when the door
closed.
"Hindi ba nasali siya sa isang kaso noon? I'm not sure if it was him."
"Yeah, but he cleared his name, eventually."
Tumango ako habang tinitingnan ang damit ko. I'm wearing a long high-waist jeans, a
black spaghetti shirt under a gray checkered blazer suit. I let my long hair down
and I regretted it. Sana pala inayos ko iyon. I have light make up and simple
accessories, is this okay? Why am I so conscious! It's just another go-see.
"Hi! I'm from Ford, this is Amber Sevilla, the model I was talking about," sabi
niya sa receptionist nang nasa tamang palapag na kami.
That floor was busy. I can see so many models going in and out. May isang hall din
na naka frost ang glass pero kita ko na naroon ang mga modelo, isa-isang
tinitingnan. The old receptionist woman smiled at my agent.
"Tapos na palang tinawag ang na scout mo, Ma'am. I'm afraid I can't put you back on
the line."
Oh no! May biglang dumating na mas bata sa kausap namin. Sinulyapan niya ako bago
bumaling sa receptionist.
"Talaga po? Maybe we can do something. I am an agent from Ford Models," paliwanag
ng agent ko.
"I got this," sabi noong pangalawang babae. "Galing Ford 'to. Nasabihan ako na top
priority 'to."
Napabaling ako sa mga modelong naroon sa lobby na nakikinig. Mabilis kong nakitaan
ng pagtaas ng kilay ang lahat, bulung-bulungan na nasisiguro kong para saan. It
wasn't fair, alright. I know what that means and I understand how it feels. If you
want this so much and then the company favored someone else over you, magagalit ka
talaga. I don't want this that much. In fact, just a while ago I almost gave up.
But since this is now pretty personal to me, I am not going to let their opinion
affect mine. Selfish, yes, but I just want a chance to audition for it. Iyon lang
naman ang hinihingi ko. Kung hindi ako matanggap, I would accept it. I'll just find
another way to get to Jaxon.
Binigyan na ako ng bagong numero. Kinabahan ako kahit na sanay na ako sa ganito. I
feel competitive - isang bagay na matagal ko nang hindi naramdaman. Lalo na dahil
nakita kong magagaling nga ang lahat ng nag a-audition doon. They all have
potential. They are elegant and very posh. When it was my turn, I didn't hear my
heartbeat. Ganoon ako ka kabado.
"Hi! I'm Amber Sevilla, 25, Ford Models in New York," sabi ko sa harap ng camera na
pinagmamasdan ng mga naroon.
"Okay, Amber, on your side," si Hubert.
I faced to the right, back in front, slowly to the left, then back again. Sa
pagbalik ko sa harap, muntik na akong masamid.
Jaxon Riego was there with the judges. Lima na silang naroon, humalo siya sa isang
babaeng modelo, dalawang matandang lalaki, isang showbiz personality na babae. His
intense dark stare at me made me oblivious to the surroundings and Hubert's
commands in front of me.
Natawa ang lahat. Jaxon's lips rose to join the laughs with a small menacing smile.
That's when I realized that Hubert had asked me to answer a few questions na hindi
ko man lang narinig dahil abala ako sa paninitig sa bagong lalaki sa silid. Uminit
ang pisngi ko nang nakitang nahalata iyon ng lahat. All the other models were
shaking their heads as they watch Jaxon with awe and then me with disgust for my
amazed and dazzled look.
Saglit lang din iyon dahil nakabawi ako agad.
Pinaalala ko lang sa sarili ko kung ano ang dahilan ko rito. When I remember
Jacques face, everything blurred. The intense Jaxon Riego in front of me meant
nothing now. Even with those sharp potent eyes, the new thin stubble that
highlighted his jaw, the jet black thick hair waving a bit and making him look more
mature, and his full dark coat and tie. He's changed a lot physically. Mas lalong
tumangkad at nadagdagan na rin ang laki ng katawan. He's still fit and by the looks
of it, clearly, he's change his lifestyle... very far from his simple life in Costa
Leona.
"How young are you, Amber?" si Hubert.
"I'm twenty five," I said as I regain my composure.
"Walk, please?"
Nakita kong tinitingnan na nila ang portfolio ko. I smiled and started walking.
Jaxon's intense and serious stare at me. Tinanggal ko ang checkered suit ko bago
naglakad. I walked confidently back and forth, gaya ng ginagawa ko madalas sa New
York. Nang bumalik ako sa harap, may tanong iyong babaeng judge sa akin.
"This Manolo Blahnik shoot, is this for Vogue?" she asked.
"Yes, Ma'am, it is."
"Where was this shot?" she probed.
"The first one was in New York, the second in Seattle," I confidently said.
She nodded looking contented of what I said. May binulong si Jax doon sa modelong
isa sa judges. Tumango ito at bago pa ako matapos. He then glared at me. I can
sense his intense anger. Pagkatapos niyang gawin iyon, umalis na agad siya.
Kinabahan agad ako. Kung galit nga siya, malaki ang posibilidad na hindi ako
matanggap dito!
My heart boomed so loud. I thought about the many things I will do once I get a
"no". I will call Snow again and beg her to talk to Jaxon. To let me talk to him
even for a while. Hindi bale nang magmukhang naghahabol basta makausap ko lang siya
ng paunti-unti.
But before that day ended, my agent jumped of joy when she broke the news to me.
"Ang bilis ng desisyon nila! Normally kasi inaabot pa ng ilang linggo! Ngayon, oras
lang! Nakuha ka, Amber! You're the new face of their body and face brands!"
Napakurap-kurap ako.
"Iyong head ata iyong nanood sa'yo kaya ka nakuha! Nagdesisyon talaga agad!" she
happily said.
"Thank you!" sabi ko, nakisaya na rin.
May meeting agad kami sa makalawa para sa contract signing. Hindi nga lang maalis
sa isipan ko ang sinabi ni Mommy nang makauwi ako.
"That's impossible. For sure he has a plan. Ipapahiya ka noon, Amber! He'll destroy
you again!" Mommy concluded.
"Maria Emilia, kapapanood mo iyan ng Spanish dramas, e," si Nikolai na nakikinig
lang din sa kuwento ko.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. The anger was very obvious on his intense stares at me.
Hindi na ako magtataka kung tama nga si Mommy sa sinabi niya. I'm just glad that it
didn't take me months to finally catch him. And if he wants to destroy me, I'll
play along just so I can finally afford a serious talk with him. For my son.

[ 25 Kabanata23 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 23
Insults
I got in for the other offers, too. Buong panahon na nag-audition ako para roon,
wala ako sa sarili. Kinakabahan ako pero hindi dahil sa mismong ginagawa ko, kundi
para sa gagawin ko kinabukasan ng araw na iyon.
I am not sure if I want him on the meeting tomorrow but I know I need to see him.
Alam kong hindi ko pa siya makakausap tungkol kay Jacques pero maghihintay ako
kailan puwede.
"Siguro hindi lang ako makapaniwala," marahan kong sinabi kay Phillie sa cellphone.
I called her. I couldn't sleep the night before the contract signing. Kanina ko pa
tinititigan si Jacques na natutulog sa kama. Iniisip na hindi ko puwedeng sabihin
sa kanya na nakita ko ang Papa niya. He'd be too excited and he'd hope more
everyday.
Gumalaw si Jacques sa kama. Kinagat ko ang labi ko at natantong baka masyado siyang
naingayan sa aking pagtawag kay Phillie. I should take his advice and put him on
the other room, then? Sa New York kasi, may sarili siyang kuwarto na. I didn't like
that idea that's why I insisted us to be in the same room here in Manila.
Ngumiti ako sa aking sarili. I'm so clingy. I should realize that he's not an
infant anymore. 'Tsaka hindi niya man sinasabi, natutuwa siyang may sarili siyang
kuwarto. Ako lang naman talaga ang hindi. Maybe I should tell him tomorrow that he
can now take another room? Though, we'll leave this place once I find another,
anyway.
Lumabas ako sa terrace para hindi na marinig.
"I told you, right? Maybe he's that great para makaakyat ng ganyan kataas. Pero
sabagay, his name speaks volumes. Being a Riego in that industry means so much."
Suminghap ako. "Maybe not just because of the name. He was the best back then. He
topped the chem eng board noong kami pa."
Phillie made a choking sound. Natawa ako ng bahagya habang pinagmamasdan ang mga
ilaw ng mga buildings sa paligid nitong amin.
"Really? So sa kanya rin galing iyang katalinuhan ni Jacques? Kaya pala mala Albert
Einstein!"
"Sa akin!" I said lightly.
Tumawa ulit si Phillie. Nakitawa na lang din ako at suminghap pagkatapos.
Ang layo ng naabot niya at nahihiya ako sa ginawa ko noong pagpipigil sa kanyang
abutin ang mga pangarap dahil lang sa immaturity ko. I'm glad, though, that he's
where he deserved to be now. It was from his hardwork, talent, and perseverance
and nothing more. Kahit pa sinasabi ni Phillie na kamag-anak siya ng mga Riego na
kilalang mga mayaman, I know then that he can do it better on his own. He didn't
need that name to be great.
I exhaled all the heavy feelings that weighed me down that day. Hindi ko alam kung
bakit naging matagal ang pagtanggap ko noon. Inabot pa ako ng hating gabi bago
kumalma pero ang mahalaga, sa huli, alam kong kaya ko ang anuman para sa anak ko.
"Why are you still awake, Mama?" Jacques said in a very sleepy voice.
Tumabi na ako sa kanya pagkatapos pinatay ang tawag kay Phillie. I should really
put him in another room cuz for sure, I will have many more sleepless nights.
I kissed his forehead. Nakapikit na siya pero alam kong sinisikap niyang magising
kasi alam niyang gising pa ako.
"I'm just getting ready for tomorrow. I'll sleep now. Good night, Jacques," I
whispered.
"Night," he whispered back.
Maagang maaga akong nagising at nagkape. Tumawag na rin ang agent ko para sa
schedule ko ng contract signing para sa araw na iyon.
"Sino ba ang naroon?" I asked as I continued my morning workout at home.
"Siguro iyong nakita mo rin sa audition since GM 'yong isang matanda roon. Tapos...
iyong model is isa sa models noon. Then, there will be other three models with you
for a TV ad. Kasali sila pero ikaw ang main face. Andoon din ang creative director
at glam team mo. Then after that, iyong creative director na ang bahala sa'yo. I
can leave you from then on, right? I'll just check on you from time to time."
Wala roon ang gusto kong marinig. I stopped my yoga to answer her properly.
"Uh... Iyong... P-President ba ng Uni Australasia pupunta?"
"Ugh! You sound like a little girl crushing on someone, Amber!"
Halos mabitiwan ko ang cellphone ko nang narinig ang biglang singit ni Mommy! Nasa
likod ko siya at nakahalukipkip na. Tumayo ako galing sa mat. I glared at her for a
moment then I walked towards the large terrace to continue talking to my agent.
"Hindi siguro, Amber. Based on experience, they let the managers do it. You know,
baka busy. Bakit?"
"Wala naman. Uh... Sige, thank you."
Hindi ko na mapatagal ang pag-uusap namin dahil sumunod na si Mommy sa akin,
nakikiusyuso sa mga sasabihin ko sa agent.
"Don't tell me the next thing you'll do is literally run after him, Amber?"
"Mommy, please, tumigil ka na."
Mommy laughed mockingly and continued her rants. Dumiretso na lang ako sa kuwarto
para makaligo at makapagbihis na, imbes sa makinig sa mga sinasabi ni Mommy para sa
akin.
Masaya si Jacques sa araw na iyon. Umuwi rin kasi sina Klaudio kaya bibisita raw
rito para makalaro ni Jacques ang mga anak. Jacques is expecting them today. He
liked being with Klaudio's sons, mas matanda ng kaonti sa kanya kaya mas natutuwa
siya.
"We'll play football, said Tito Klaudio. Can we? In the vacant room, Mama?"
"Sure!" sabi ko.
"Sinabi mo na bang ililipat mo siya ng kuwarto?" si Nikolai na sobrang aga sa araw
na iyon.
"Oo. He's fine with it," sagot ko.
Dumiretso na ako sa tanggapan at nagulat nang nakakita ng tatlong kilalang party
organizers, kausap ni Mommy roon. Mataman kong tiningnan ang tatlong bumati,
nginitian, bago hinalikan si Mommy para magpaalam na.
"I'm organizing a grand party for your Grandpa's birthday, Amber," si Mommy.
Tumango na lang ako. "Alright, Mom. That's great! Alis na po ako..."
Great! Another reason to spend so much. Though, I know that birthdays are
important, lalo na kay Lolo, pero si Mommy pa talaga ang nagplano! That will only
mean that it's going to put a hole in my pocket. Though, I'm sure Tito Solomon and
Tito Remus will help her with money matters. Sana lang huwag masyadong magastos ang
gustuhin ni Mommy. It's unnecessary.
Kalmado ako sa byahe. Malaki ang naging tulong ng pagmumuni-muni ko kagabi para sa
paghahanda sa araw na iyon. Siguro rin mas nakatulong ang sinabi ng agent sa akin
na hindi naman daw talaga kasama ang mga President sa mga ganitong contract
signing.
I parked my car on the basement of that same building. Pagkalabas ko, pinagmasdan
ko muna ang itsura ko sa salamin. I'm wearing a small white tube top, gray
checkered trousers, a dark suit, light make up, and that's all. Huminga ako ng
malalim bago dumiretso sa elevator. Hindi nagtagal, nasa tanggapan na ako ng
executive office ng kumpanya.
Pinapasok kami sa isang conference room na all glass ang dingding. Naroon na rin
ang tatlong models na tinutukoy. I greeted them politely but they were a bit
indifferent towards me. O masyado ba akong nasanay sa mga kasama kong modelo sa
ibang bansa na ganoon na lang ang impression ko rito.
Naupo ako sa gitnang upuan, kung saan ako pinaupo ng agent. She sat beside me,
drawing out her iPad to check for my other offers. She talked about it.
Napapatingin tuloy ako sa mga kasama naming modelo na tahimik na nakikinig.
When the agent stopped to review things for a while, ang modelong nasa gitna ay
nagsalita.
"So how did you get in to your agency? Ford?"
"Uh... Through auditions."
"But surely, also because of the name, right?" Ngumiti siya sa mga katabi niya.
Now, I know what she meant by that. Naisip ko tuloy na baka ganyan nga ang inasahan
ng lahat kahit sa totoo lang, pinaghirapan ko rin ang pagkakapasok doon. Nagsimula
ako sa maliit na agency at ilang taon ako roon bago nakalipat sa Ford. Ibang-iba
ang kalakaran sa ibang bansa sa nakasanayan dito.
"Not really. I was not with Ford until two years ago. Sa maliit na agency lang ako
noon kasi mahirap makapasok sa Ford."
I glanced on the glass walls when I saw a bit of commotion. Nakita ko roon na
nagdatingan na ang mga pupunta ngayon. Iyong mga matatanda at iba pang judges noong
Monday, an all black team, and more went inside the hall. Lumipat ang mga mata ko
sa huling dumating at mabilis kaming nagkatinginan ni Jax - his eyes intense and
dark while mine too animated while telling a story.
"My name doesn't really count much back there. Kailangan pang magsikap bago ka
talagang matatanggap," I said habang papasok na ang lahat sa hall.
I smiled at my co-models. They smiled back at me, too. Hindi ko na tiningnan ang
naging reaksyon nila kasi abala na ako sa pagtingin sa mga pumasok doon.
"Kasali pala ang President," my agent said nonchalantly beside me.
"You must be Amber Sevilla!" isang maliit at balingkinitang babae ang lumapit sa
akin at naglahad ng kamay.
Tumayo ako dahil ang mga kasama niya ay sumunod sa kanya para batiin ako.
"Congratulations on landing this project. But... actually, congratulations sa amin.
I'm Tamara Lopez, the Creative Director and also head of your glam team,"
palakaibigang ngiti ang iginawad sa akin ng babae.
"Thank you, Miss Tamara. Looking forward to working with your team," I said
confidently.
Sumulyap ako sa naupo sa harap. May sinasabi si Jax sa sekretaryang nasa gilid
niya. Then his dark eyes turned to me. Nagtaas ako ng mga kilay at hindi na
sinuklian ang galit na ipinapahayag ng kanyang mga mata. I pursed my lips and shook
the hands of more people who greeted me. I smiled at them, madalas sumusulyap
pabalik sa kay Jaxon na nakaupo roon at nanonood sa amin, galit at nauubusan ng
pasensya.
"Congratulations, hija. I'm Crisostomo Go, Sustainable Business and Communications
Vice President." Tumatawa-tawa ang matanda habang kinakamayan ako.
"Thank you, Sir!" sabi ko.
"I always knew you'd get the job! I was rooting for you the whole time!" dugtong
niya.
"Thank you! I'm glad to hear it, Sir," sabi ko ulit sa matandang ubanin at
nakabarong pa ngayon.
"Shall we start? I have many things to do after this," Jaxon said.
Kahit na sumunod naman si Mr. Go sa sinabi ni Jaxon, sa titig niya at sa ngiti niya
sa akin, parang balewala ang nahimigan kong iritasyon sa boses ni Jaxon kanina. I
smiled at the old man then my eyes drifted back to the man in front of me who
looked so dark. Nagtaas siya ng kilay. Tumikhim ang agent ko at nagsimula na.
Ibinigay ni Miss Tamara ang contract sa amin ng agent ko habang ang agent ko naman,
nagbigay rin ng kontrata sa kanila galing sa mismong agency ko. Tahimik akong
binasa ang kontratang nasa harapan. It was signed by Jax as the President of
Southeast Asia and Australasia. Maganda ang offer, malaki ang fee, pero alam kong
maraming shoot ang gagawin dahil multimedia ang target ng brand.
Patuloy ang agent tungkol sa guidelines para sa Ford Models. Nakikinig ang lahat,
maging ang mga modelong kasama. Binaba ko ang binasang kontrata at sinulyapan si
Jaxon sa harap. He's watching my agent with thick meeting eyebrows. Hindi ko
mapigilang makita si Jacques sa kanya. His eyes drifted on me. My heart leapt but I
couldn't stop my stare, even when his eyes were smoldering with unshed wrath, I
can't look at him the same way. Namumungay ang mga mata ko, naiisip ang anak na
galit. Hindi ko kayang magalit.
I cleared my throat a bit to distract my self from watching him too closely. He
shifted on his seat. Sumulyap ulit ako at nakitang nakataas ang isang kilay niya
habang tinitingnan ako. A small smile landed on my lips. I covered it with a pout
at nilingon na ang agent kong patapos na ngayon.
Tumayo si Miss Tamara para ipakita na ang concept ng lahat ng shoots. It's not high
fashion. In fact, simple lang ang mga susuotin ko at ang magiging itsura ko. Ibang-
iba sa mga nakasanayan ko.
"This is new for you," the agent whispered to me.
Tumango ako at bumulong pabalik. "Yeah. My first time in years, actually, to do a
non editorial shoot."
Lumingon si Jaxon sa akin, away from the presentation. He glanced on my agent then
back to me. Ngumuso ako at pilit na ibinalik ang mga mata sa presentation ni Miss
Tamara.
"These are my proposed locations for the shoots," si Miss Tamara habang ipinapakita
ang iba-iba, may studio, at iba pa.
Lumapit iyong model-judge na kasama noong Monday kay Jaxon. May binulong ito sa
kanya. He nodded. Pinanood ko lang ang kahit mga konting reaksyon niya dahil
talagang naaalala ko si Jacques sa mga kilos niya.
When he saw me watching him talking to the model, he shifted away from her and said
something marked with finality that made the woman go back to her seat.
Nagkatinginan kami ni Jaxon. Mabilis akong bumaling ulit sa presentation.
"This is actually already agreed by Engineer Riego. I am just presenting it so we
have an overview of it all," Miss Tamara said after her long presentation.
Tumango ako at muling binasa ang contract. Tamara is already closing her
presentation when Mr. Go, the old man, raised his hand and started chuckling a bit.
"I just want to suggest Palawan as another location for the sun screen products
since it can promote the country, as well. Right, Miss Sevilla?" sabay lingon sa
akin.
Isang pindot sa ilalim ng lamesa ang ginawa ng agent ko para sa akin. I don't want
to assume but this isn't my first time to be treated special by my client at sa
tagal ko sa industriyang ito, alam ko kung paano 'to gagawin. I don't have to
humilate the old man or do anything related to that. Alam iyon ng agent ko dahil
mismong siya, hindi lang sa akin nakaranas ng ganito pati na rin sa ibang modelo ng
agency.
"Well, yeah. That's a good suggestion, Mr. Go," sabay ngiti ko.
"Puwede rin naman. We have a lot of budget for this so we can do that-" Miss Tamara
got cut off.
"Hindi pa ako nakakapunta roon. Ikaw ba, Miss Sevilla, ay nakapunta na roon? It's a
good chance to work and relax, at the same time, for you..."
"Hindi pa rin po. I would want to go there myself, too. Kaya tingin ko po, tama
kayo-"
"We are not the Department of Tourism to do that," si Jax sa isang baritonong
tinig.
Wala ni isang nagsalita pagkasabi niya noon. May diin iyon at kung iisipin mong
mabuti, may kakaibang kahulugan bukod sa nasabi.
"Mr. Go," he said even when he's watching me closely. Bumaling siya sa matanda. "I
want a straight to the point ad. Promoting only the product and nothing more."
How mean!
Hilaw na nangiti si Mr. Go at nagsalita pang ulit. Nilingon ako ng matanda.
"Ganoon ba, Engineer Riego? Well, I just thought that for a change... we can do
that." Humalakhak siya. "I'm actually planning to spend the rest of my vacation
days during the shoot so I can work, as well. That's if it's okay with Miss
Sevilla?"
Isang pindot ulit ang iginawad sa akin ng aking agent. I smiled sweetly at the old
man.
"Of course, it's okay with me, Mr. Go. Haven't been there but I think it's a good
place to relax and unwind, and you can work, too-"
"Hindi siya kailangan sa paggawa ng Ads. As you can see, I hired a good team to
worry about that. Mr. Go is incharge with other operations and not the marketing.
Wala ba iyan sa guidelines ng agency mo at kung makapagsalita ka, lahat puwede,"
diretsahang sinabi sa akin ni Jaxon, may himig ng pag-iinit at pang-iinsulto.
Isang halakhak ang pinakawalan ng isa sa mga kasama naming modelo. My face heated
at that low blow. Tumikhim na lang ako at nanatiling composed.
"I'm sorry, Engineer Riego. Mr. Go is just trying to mix his leisure with work. I
thought that's a good work environment," sa maliit na boses kong sinabi.
"While I agree with a bit of Crisostomo's ideas, I don't think it is necessary that
you go with the team," sabi ng matandang babae sabay tingin sa katabing si Mr. Go.
"Jaxon, I'm just having fun." The old man laughed. "Sige, tanggalin ko ang work.
Maybe I can go there for leisure only. I'm sure it will be okay with Mrs. Tamara
Lopez?"
"I have no problem, Mr. Go. As long as my model won't be bothered."
"Will you be bothered, hija?" si Mr. Go ulit para sa akin.
"No, I don't think so, Sir."
"So that's done, then," sabay ngiti ni Mr. Go.
"I won't allow Palawan as the location. The ads I want for this is straight to the
point, and with no other agenda - like promoting the country's tourism. This is a
classic ad. Shown to many countries and will remain to be on the marketing for
years until I say so. This is not a campaign or anything. Puwede iyan sa ibang
pagkakataon, hindi sa pagkakataong ito kaya I won't allow that thing to happen.
Stick to the original plan!" si Jaxon.
"You have a point. Classic ads like this that comes only once every decade needs to
be clean, Engineer. I get it," sabi ng isa pang matandang lalaki na nasa tabi ni
Jaxon.
"But for the ads to survive these days, magandang may ganyan, Engineer. Mas
maraming Pinoy na hahanga sa brand dahil sa ipapakitang pagpopromote ng bansa. Tama
ba ako, Miss Sevilla? And besides, our model agrees. Hindi ba dapat we ask for her
opinion, too, since she's a pro at this. She knows how to draw in audiences?"
Kitang-kita ko ang iritasyon ni Jaxon sa matanda. He glared at me and shifted on
his seat.
"Oh right, our model is a pro at this thing," he said that very slowly... as if
insinuating something.
Kinabahan ako roon. Hindi maganda ito pero alam kong kailangan kong makisama at
magtiis para sa anak ko. Clearly, Jaxon is hell angry with me and he'll go against
me so much. Now, I'm sure he can insult me too.
"What do you think? Is our old man a good idea?" normal naman ang pagkakasabi niya
noon pero bakit may kakaiba akong nababasa sa mga mata niya. Bakit pangit pakinggan
sa akin ang tanong na iyon.
Hindi ako nakapagsalita. I shifted uncomfortably on my seat again.
"Do you want our old man, Mr. Go here, to push the project so he can come with you
for the shoot?"
What? Why does it sound so wrong? Luminga-linga ako sa paligid. They all looked
normal except for the models who were buying all of it.
"Malambot ata ang puso ni Amber sa mga matatandang gaya mo, Mr. Go."
Tumawa si Mr. Go. I feel downright insulted with what Jaxon just said!
"Mahilig ata siya sa ganito. What do you think, Amber? Do you like it?" he said the
last question so sensually painful that I winced.
Hindi ako nakapagsalita. I trembled a bit at the realization that he's insinuating
that I like old men. Na mahilig ako sa gaya ni Mr. Go!
Alam kong pagkakamali ni Mommy na ganoon ang tingin sa akin ni Jaxon o baka nga ang
mga taong narito rin. Nilingon ko si Mr. Go at nararamdaman kong umaasa siyang
sasang-ayon ako sa sinasabi ni Jaxon sa akin tungkol sa kanya.
"I-I'm sorry. Actually... it's up to the client, whatever he wants..." marahan kong
sinabi nang hindi na tinitigan si Jaxon.
"Sir, may I speak," si Miss Tamara. "I think anywhere is fine for my team. Miss
Sevilla's comfort should be attended, too. And of course, the last say will be from
you."
Titig na titig si Jaxon sa akin bago siya bumaling kay Mr. Go.
"I'll look into your suggestion Mr. Go. I'll study that but for the mean time, I am
adjourning this meeting. Proceed with the preparations, Tamara. The contract is
signed. We're done," si Jaxon.
Hindi ako nakagalaw agad. Tumayo ang ilang modelo at nag anunsyo na rin si Miss
Tamara na pag-aaralan na ng team niya ang lahat. Tumayo na ang ibang director
kasama ang modelong judge kahapon. They called Jaxon and asked him that they should
go for another meeting.
"I'm sorry, Miss Sevilla." Tumawa si Mr. Go. "Alam mo na kapag tumatanda na,
excited na sa kahit anong bagay."
"N-No problem, Sir."
"Please leave the conference hall. I want to speak to Amber alone, without her
agent," pahabol ni Jaxon sabay sulyap sa agent ko.
Kinabahan ako roon. Nagkatinginan kami ng agent ko. Kinuha niya ang mga papel na
nasa harap ko at inayos.
"Will you be okay?" she asked. "I'll be outside."
"Y-Yeah. Sige..."
Tumango siya. Sumulyap kay Jaxon at sa lahat ng tahimik at paalis ng mga empleyado
bago nagpaalam at umalis na rin.
Nakatingin sa loob ang mga lumabas nang modelo. Siguro, kuryoso sila sa mga pag-
uusapan namin ni Jaxon dito at talagang gusto niyang kaming dalawa lang. My hope to
be seen or to see other people while we're talking is now gone when he pulled the
blinds to cover the glass walls of the whole room.
Yumuko ako. Nagagalit at naiirita ako kanina pero alam kong may dahilan kung bakit
niya nasabi iyon o kung bakit siya galit. Though, I know his reasons shouldn't
justify the insults he subtly threw at me. Kailangan ko lang talagang umayos at
makipag-ayos sa kanya sa lalong madaling panahon. Para sa anak ko.
Lahat ng ito para sa kay Jacques.
Titiisin ko ang lahat para sa kanya.
And because I have slowly let go of all the pain in the past it was then all easy
to let his insults pass and give him again a new look of curiosity. I watched him
close all the blinds before he stopped walking around and then faced me.
The darkness of his eyes and thick brows is very familiar. Even his lips and the
contour of his nose. His body changed a bit because of his height and his
masculinity. Mataman ko siyang tinitigan.
Hindi ko matanggal sa isipan ko na ang lalaking ito ang minahal ko ng husto noon.
Ang lalaking nasa harap ko, marami man ang pagbabago, ay ama ng pinakamamahal kong
anak. And he knows we lost a child at a very early stage of pregnancy. His jaw
clenched when he noticed the gentleness of my stare.
"I agreed to get you because you are the most professional among the other girls at
tingin ko, iyon ang importante sa kahit anong klaseng trabaho. Even on your field
that's supposed to entertain. I made you stay because I don't want to have any
immoral employee."
That was another blow. My heart literally hurt but I sighed all the pain.
"Don't worry. Rest assured, you don't have any immoral employee,"marahan kong
sinabi.
"Talaga?"
He stepped towards me. Nasa gilid ko na siya, nakatayo, habang nananatili akong
nakaupo. I watched him on the side of my eyes. His palm rested on the long table
and he bent a little to talk closely to me. Nag-angat ako ng tingin. He looked so
full of sarcasm now.
"Surely, your moral compass landed you to where you are right now. Ilang matandang
lalaki kaya ang pinayagan mo para lang doon."
Pumikit ako ng mariin at muli siyang tiningnan.
"Please, let's not include the past anymore. I know-"
"What past are you talking about?" he said breathily. "Hindi nakaraan ang tinutukoy
ko, kundi iyong ngayon."
Lumapit pa siya sa akin, intimidating me with his height and stature. Tumayo ako at
lumayo sa swivel chair para maharap siya.
"You are trying to seduce Mr. Go in front of my employees!"
"No, No... I just think he's also a client. Hindi ko puwedeng downright I turn down
kapag ganoon. Based on experience-"
"Based on experience you know how to wrap around those dirty old man around your
fingers, right? Ilan na kaya sa loob ng ilang taon?"
This is so wrong! I hated him but I tried my best to understand why this is
happening. Inisip ko na lang din ang anak ko.
"I know we have a dark past and I'm sorry for it, okay? I know your judgement of me
is anchored on it at gusto kong malaman mo na nagsisi ako sa pagkakasakitan natin!
Please, let's just be civil for work and for this new life we have."
He laughed mockingly. He looked at me with disappointment in his eyes.
"This is not about the past. Ang sabi ko-"
"Huwag mong ipagkaila na hindi ito tungkol sa nakaraan natin. You won't be this mad
at me for just being polite to Mr. Go if you didn't have any past anger!"
His bloodshot eyes leered at me. Kinagat ko ang labi ko.
"Come on. It's been years. You think I'm that hung up for you?"
Nangatog ang binti ko sa tono niya. He seems so sure. His words so clear and
precise.
"Of course not. You got a girlfriend before I could run because we lost our..."
hindi ko naipagpatuloy sa sobrang sakit.
I have never seen him so angry at someone. Akala ko noon, sa ibang tao lang
maipapahayag ang ganyang katinding galit. Akala ko hindi ako makakagawa ng kahit
anong bagay na magiging dahilan para magalit ng ganyan katindi ang isang tao pero
nagkamali ako. Now, I'm seeing that potent wrath directed at me. I felt like I'm
the most cruel person on this planet now.
His bloodshot eyes watered with unshed tears. Hindi ako umatras nang lumapit siya
ng marahan. Kahit pa nararamdaman ko ang pagpipigil niya sa matinding galit na
puwedeng sumabog konting pindot ko lang. I can even sense his violence and it made
me tremble. It is too much. He is too much. Kung ganito na ang opinyon ko sa kanya
noon, mas lalo pa ngayon.
"But please, let's forgive each other for everything, Jax..." nabasag ang boses ko
at pumatak na ang nagbadyang luha. "Ilang taon na ang lumipas. May kasalanan ako. I
didn't cheat on you emotionally but maybe I did, physically. I accept that now. I'm
sorry. Please, forgive me for that. For everything. For my being immature and for
my faults. And I forgive you for the pain. For everything. Please..."
Hindi siya nagsalita. Anger is still evident. I can almost touch it. I can almost
feel it on his skin.
"What if I won't?" he said huskily. Nararamdaman ko rin ang pagkabasag ng kanyang
boses. "What if I won't forgive anything? Ang mga bagay na ganoon, hindi basta
bastang napapatawad. I don't even think I will ever forgive."
Pumatak ulit ang mga luha ko pagkapikit ng mariin. Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa
kanya. He's so close to me. I'm scared of him but I have the strength to endure
everything for my son.
"I'll do everything just so you'd forgive me," sabi ko, halos nagmamakaawa.
Tiningnan niya lamang ako sa parehong paraan. His dark gray eyes are slowly growing
darker. Kitang-kita ko na pinilit niya ang sakit sa mga mata na gawing pang-
iinsulto. He made everything seem light or I guess it was so light for him.
"Don't offer me that. Huwag mo akong tuksuhing alipinin ka para lang sa
pagpapatawad na hinihingi mo."
What? Kinibot iyon ng labi ko pero walang lumabas na salita. He smirked evilly and
he wiped a tear away from my cheek in a very reserve and cold way.
"W-Wala akong pakealam anong gusto mo, Jax. Just please forgive me. I want to end
this part and move on," tanging nasabi ko, pagmamakaawa pa.
His face grew darker. He looked menacing, ruthless, and cruel at the same time but
I can't afford a chance to make it worse. This is for my son, anyway.
"Okay, then. Let's see if I can play with Amber. But first..." he said.
The mocking is etched on his tone. Kung galit siya sa akin, handa akong tanggapin
ang galit niya, anuman ang paraan.
"I have a question," he said then paused.
My heart boomed. Bukod sa boses niya, iyon na lang ang naririnig kong tunog. I am
then afraid that even he can hear it.
"How old is your types? Fifties, ba? Sixties? Seventies?"
Parang magdudugo ang labi ko sa kakakagat. Hindi ko na siya matingnan dahil masyado
na akong nahihilo sa lapit naming dalawa.
"Did you choose him yourself? O sunud-sunuran ka ulit sa Mommy mo kaya pinili mo?"
Hindi ako nakapagsalita sa sakit. He bent a bit for us to level.
"What happened?" he said mocking gentleness. "I thought you'd do everything just so
I'd forgive you? Ba't 'di ka makasagot?"
"I-If you're talking about Nikolai, then wala kami nun," pinilit kong sagutin iyon.
Pilit din akong nag-angat ng tingin para makita niyang sincere ako.
Nanliit ang mga mata niya nang titigan ko siya. I can sense how much effort he had
to conceal what I read as genuine gentleness and hope. Ngayon, purong galit at poot
na lang, wala nang iba akong makita sa ekspresyon niya.
"Divorced now? Kaya okay lang si Mr. Go?" pagalit niyang sinabi.
"I'm not divorced or whatever!" giit ko. "I didn't marry Nikolai!"
Kita ko saglit ang gulat pero pinalitan pa rin ulit ng galit. He chuckled.
"You think I'm still the same crazy in love puppy for you that I'll believe every
soft words you say?" he hissed.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. "Totoo ang sinasabi ko!" Because I was so passionate to
convince him about it, hindi ko na namalayan na napahawak na ako sa dibdib niya.
He stilled and watched my hand on him. His eyes were fiery when he looked at me
with a hint of disgust and detachment. Mabilis kong tinanggal ang kamay ko.
"I-I'm sorry-"
"Leave," he suddenly said.
Nangapa ako ng salita. Hindi ko inasahan na papaalisin niya ako, hindi pa man ako
tapos sa sinasabi ko. "Totoong-"
"I said leave me!" his voice boomed at lumayo pa siya lalo sa akin.
Mabilis kong kinuha ang bag ko. Inayos ko ang sarili ko at mabilis na umalis doon
pagkatapos siyang makitang sobrang frustrated, nakayuko habang nakatuko sa lamesa.

[ 26 Kabanata24 ]
-------------------------------
Kabanata 24
Mess
I didn't really need to guess how Jaxon came up with all his accusations of me.
Habang pinagbubuntis ko si Jacques, habang naroon ako sa kina Nikolai, maraming
pinakalat si Mommy. Of course, with the credibility of my Daddy and his friends who
believed every word my Mom said, hindi na kataka-taka kung bakit kahit si Harper na
malapit sa akin, ganoon ang pag-iisip.
Kahit si Phillie nga, inakalang anak ni Nikolai si Jacques. I wanted to get mad at
my Mom for it. I suddenly thought of the other possible rumors she spread complete
with hard evidences just to decide for me. Kaso ayokong lumaki pa ito. Tapos ko na
siyang inaway tungkol sa lahat ng iyon, bringing it back now will only complicate
everything.
Hindi ko nga lang maiwasang isipin na galit si Jax sa akin. Galit na galit siya sa
akin, hindi lang dahil sa pagkawala ng anak namin, kundi sa mismong pinakalat na
kasinungalingan ni Mommy. Hindi ko inakala na ang galit niya pa ang magiging
ginhawa ko sa mga oras na ito. His anger about if comforted some parts of me.
Niyakap ko ang sarili ko habang nasa balkonahe ng kuwarto, tinatanaw ang buhay na
buhay na kalsada ng syudad. Nasa kabilang kuwarto na si Jacques. Nakatulugan niya
ang paglalaro kasama ang mga anak ni Klaudio kanina kaya tuloy-tuloy na rin ang
tulog.
"Why are you so angry..." I whispered to the wind.
I would understand if his anger was from the past. Pero sa mga insulto niya, hindi
iyon dahil doon. It was about me marrying Nikolai. His anger is from my so-called
want for older men.
Suminghap ako. Pagkatapos ng nangyari, tinawagan ako ng agent ko para mangumusta sa
naging pribadong meeting namin ni Jaxon. I thought she'd figure out that something
was going on but then I realized that Jax's questions were only obvious to the both
of us, and not to the other people around who knew nothing.
Kung ayos na siya, sana hindi niya na pinakealaman kung gusto ko man ng mas
matatandang lalaki. I never thought I'd recieve that kind of anger from him. I
braced for something similar but not as intense. I thought we'd only talk about our
lost child and then our past mistakes. Hindi ko inasahan na pakikialaman niya kahit
ang buhay ko ngayon.
I thought you've moved on?
May mga babae na siya, hindi ba?
I shook my head and laughed mockingly at the thought of him riding an expensive car
with a woman on his side - a woman who will warm his bed at night. Natatawa ako
dahil sobrang iba ng buhay naming dalawa. He's living a bachelor life while I've
moved on with mine because of my son.
I had two days to prepare for wardrobe checking and make-up test. Ang una kasing
gagawin ay isang light shoot sa isang studio para sa mga posters posters. The
initial shoots will be on the next schedules. It's a light job for a generous fee,
actually.
I am familiar with this industry. Sa mga shoots at mga wardrobe checks, ni iyong si
Mr. Go, hindi na titingin, s'yempre. The only people I will see on that shoot is my
glam team and the creative director, just the secondary staffs. Nasisiguro kong
wala na si Jax doon kaya iniisip ko naman ngayon kung paano pa makakalapit sa
kanya.
Alam ko ring hindi naging maganda ang huli naming pagkikita pero hindi ako puwedeng
tumigil doon. After doing my usual morning exercise routines, dumiretso na ako sa
balkonahe, takot na nakikinig na naman si Mommy sa usapan namin ng pinsan ko.
"Hi. Good morning, Snow!" sinapo ko ang noo ko sa kahihiyan.
I dialed her number when I finally had the guts to. Humalukipkip ako habang
pinapanood ang anak na sinisipa-sipa ang football sa dingding. Mamaya pa bibisita
ang mga anak ni Klaudio kasama ni Nikolai kaya medyo bored pa siya ngayon.
"Hi, Amber! How are you?"
"I'm fine. Uh... I just wanna ask. Kailan ba kayo pupunta rito. Uh... sa birthday
pa ni Lolo?"
"No. No... Actually, we are planning to go there immediately. Pinapatapos ko lang
ang ilang accounts. Sasabay kami sa mga pinsan ni Sibal. Bakit?"
"Oh." I chuckled.
Bigla akong tinamaan ng hiya. Maybe if I hang out with them, I'd see more of Jaxon
if they invite him? Iyon ay kung pupunta pa 'yon? Galit iyon sa akin, e.
"Wala naman. That's great! See you, then?" tanging nasabi ko.
"See you. Maybe we can hang out, too? O... bawal ka ba? Ni... ano..."
"Hindi naman."
"So you can?" she said excitedly.
"Sure. Sabihin mo lang kung kailan."
Then I realized that maybe Snow also thought that I married an old rich man, gaya
ni Jaxon. Honestly, hindi na ako magtataka. Nilingon ko si Mommy na ngayon ay
tinatanaw ako galing sa loob. She's wearing her usual long aztec robe with
oversized cuffs and tassel ribbons as the belt.
Sometimes, I think I prove all her lies. Tumira ako sa kay Nikolai ng ilang taon.
Ni mga anak ni Nikolai, iniisip na mag-asawa nga kami. Tapos ngayong nakauwi na sa
Manila, nakatira pa rin ako sa puder ni Nikolai... driving his car.
When I realized that, I immediately made some calls for any available two-bedroom
units. Nilapitan ako ni Mommy pagkatapos ng ilang pagtawag ko kaya tumigil na ako
at binaba na ang cellphone.
"I got invites for a Tiffany Party tonight. You wanna go?" she asked. "You know,
you should make appearances."
Umiling ako. "Hindi na po, Mommy. I need to double time my work out a bit."
"Hm. Try a new one. Maybe some anti gravity yoga. I know one gym that offers that."
Naisip ko rin iyon. Tumango ako kay Mommy at niyakap na lang siya ng mahigpit bago
kumalas at nagpasyang magpatuloy sa ginagawa.
It was that way for two days. I stayed home and checked my schedules. Mommy was
either busy with Lolo's party, or receiving invites from all her socialite
activities. Ilang beses niya akong niyaya at sinabing isasama niya si Nikolai kung
kasama ako. Tinanggihan ko na lang.
Saturday came. It was such a packed day. Early in the morning, I went to the studio
in Mandaluyong to check the wardrobe, the place, and have some make up test.
Magsusukat din ako mamaya para roon sa kaibigang designer ni Mommy. I realized now
that it's also prestigious and it pays generously. The contract has shoots, too,
after the Philippine Fashion Week.
I parked my car in front of the three storey building, kung nasaan daw ang studio.
I am wearing a contour black dress, lalo na dahil titingnan pa ako mamaya roon sa
kaibigan ni Mommy. I only topped it with a gray suit. I let my hair down like
usual. Dumiretso na ako sa nakitang pintuan at hindi na nagtagal, namataan ko na si
Tamara Lopez, ang Creative Director.
"Hi! You look great!" she greeted me.
"Thank you! You, too."
Tumawa siya at nagsimula na ang pag eexplain niya sa gagawin sa araw na iyon.
"This isn't really very necessary but our bosses are perfectionists kaya ganoon na
rin ako. I'll try three simple palettes on you and we'll shoot a bit to see kung
alin ang maganda. Anyway, you'll wear only a blush pink spaghetti strap. Marami
iyon doon. Just check it out, too, kung alin ang maganda at kumportable sa'yo."
Tumango-tango ako sa mga sinabi ni Miss Tamara. Hindi na kalaunan, habang
nagsasalita siya nakarating na kami sa pangalawang palapag kung nasaan ang studio.
Mayroon ding mock kitchen, living room, and bedroom doon. It looks so perfect.
Especially when my eyes crossed the mock counter and saw someone familiar sitting
on the high chair.
Sa gulat ko, natigilan ako ng konti. Nalingon ko lang si Miss Tamara nang suminghap
siya at nagsimulang tumawa.
"The pressure, right?" she said to me with a forced smile.
Natawa ako ng bahagya. The realization dawned on me. Everyone is doing their best
dahil nandito lang naman ang President. Why is he here? I know it's a good thing
for me but this is very unlikely! Hindi ako kailanman nagkaroon ng shoot na mismong
ang client, naroon!
"Uh... Titingin po ba siya, Miss Tamara?" lito kong tanong.
"Actually, he's not invited. I mean, we didn't expect him to be here. That's why my
team is very pressured right now. Ako rin. I don't know why he's here but... he's
here so we have no choice."
Sinipat ko ulit si Jax. He's got coffee on that mock kitchen counter. He's wearing
a white button down shirt, folded on his forearm revealing the thin hair on it, a
dark slacks, and brown leather shoes. Walang nagbago sa titig niya sa akin. He
looked at me with dark intense eyes that's oozing with anger. Nagtaas ako ng
dalawang kilay, hindi napaghandaan ang magiging reaksyon, bago ko pa nilunok ang
dapat na ngiti, iginiya na ako ni Miss Tamara sa isang room kung nasaan ang mga
damit.
In a rack, there's a dozen of different style of plain blush pink dresses of my
size.
"Let's start with your dress," sabi nito.
"Alright," sabi ko medyo tumitingin pa pabalik sa nakita.
Nilapag ko ang bag na dala at hinubad na ang suit. Nilingon ko si Jax sa kinauupuan
niya kanina. Ilang saglit pa bago nagtama ang mga mata namin dahil nasa katawan ko
ang unang tingin niya. He was watching me darkly and with reservations. Kumuha ako
ng isusukat at pumasok na sa fitting room.
Ano ba kasing ginagawa niya rito?
Pumikit ako ng mariin at bumuntong-hininga. This is kind of good, actually. Ni
hindi ko na kailangan ang tulong ni Snow para lang dito.
Pagkatapos ng ilang balikang pagsusukat, nakapili rin kami ni Miss Tamara ng
susuotin ko.
"By the way, what do you want for lunch?" tanong ni Miss Tamara habang tinutulungan
akong isuot ulit ang suit.
"Uh, Hawaiian Chicken Salad and an organice orange juice, please," sabi ko.
"Got it..." she said and glanced at the assistant on her side.
Sumulyap ako kay Jaxon. Nakita kong hindi kalayuan niya, naroon na rin ang tatlong
modelo kasali sa TV ad. May wardrobe check din yata sila. Nasulyapan kong palapit
ang isa kay Jaxon. Iniwas ko ang tingin ko roon at sumunod na kay Tamara sa make up
hall.
She explained to me the pegs that she wanted. Iyon din ang sinabi niya sa make up
artist na naroon.
"Maybe after the first layout, we should bring her to the kitchen to see how will
the natural light reflect on it?" si Miss Tamara.
"Sure, Ma'am," sabi naman noong make up artist.
So the make up artist started the make up on me. Habang ginagawan niya ako noon,
panay ang tanong niya tungkol sa mga experiences ko abroad. How it's like to be a
model of so many good brands. How it is during Haute Coutures and many more.
Sinagot ko naman ng maayos.
"Your brows and eye lashes are so dark. It makes your eye pop! Ang ganda pa naman
ng mga mata mo," he praised.
"Thank you," tanging nasabi ko at tinaon ang pagsulyap sa hindi kalayuang si Jax.
Nagtaas ako ng kilay pabalik sa salamin nang natantong mag-isa ulit siya roon. I
thought the girls would crowd him. O kahit isa na lang, 'di ba?
Pagkatapos ng unang layout, dinala nga ako ni Miss Tamara sa kitchen. It was
directly in front of Jaxon. I feel like everyone wants to ask his opinion of it but
Miss Tamara won't even look at him.
"That's fine. May I see the second layout?" si Miss Tamara.
Ginawan ako ng second layout at bumalik ulit doon pagkatapos. The Photographer came
and he shot me some initial pictures. Dumating din si Hubert, ganoon din ang
ginawa. The crowded me so I'd see how it looked like.
Tumayo si Jaxon sa kinauupuan niya dahilan kung bakit parehong nag-angat ng tingin
ang mga photographer. Tumikhim si Hubert at lumayo ng bahagya at nagshoot ulit ng
kaonti.
"I'm trying to find your best angle but I think all of it is the best," sabi noong
isa.
Tumawa ako. "Actually, I'll just tilt my head a bit in front of the camera. If this
is for beauty products, it's only right that everyone should see my full face."
"Right! Got it!"
Sa pangatlong layout naman, nakapili na si Miss Tamara. Mabilis ding nag wrap ang
shoot para sa akin pero para sa staff, nanatili sila para sa meeting. Dumating na
ang mga pagkain at sinabi ko na lang na mag-aayos muna ako bago kumain.
Pagkatapos kong mag-ayos, nakita ko na sila na nagmemeeting sa living room. Miss
Tamara went to me to explain something.
"Your food is on Engineer Riego's table. Sorry. Okay lang? He requested it there."
"Oh. It's okay. Yeah..." sabi ko.
She nodded and smiled apologetically. Kumunot ang noo niya, ramdam ko ang tanong sa
mga mata pero hindi na nasabi pa.
"Sige. I'll go," I said awkwardly.
"Sure!"
Sinundan niya ako ng tingin patungo sa kany Jax. When Jaxon saw me coming, he
shifted on his seat and picked his own spoon up. Nakatingin lang siya sa kanyang
pagkain na rin, ngayon pa lang ata magsisimula.
Naupo ako sa harap niya at tahimik na pinulot na rin ang tinidor. Uminom muna ako
ng tubig, pinagmamasdan siya. Pasulyap-sulyap lang ang ginagawa niya at nagpatuloy
sa seryosong pagkain kaya ginaya ko na rin.
"You'll come with me today," he said in a commanding tone, breaking our silence.
Napatigil ako sa pangatlong subo at napatingin sa kanya. Ang titig niya'y may
kasiguraduhan, para bang alam niyang susunod at susunod ako sa gusto niya. Oh.
Right. I told him I'd do anything just so he'd forgive me. Maybe this is part of
it. It wasn't a spur of the moment statement from me. Sigurado rin naman ako sa
sinabi ko kaya lang talagang hindi ako puwede ngayon.
"Uhm... Hindi ako puwede, e."
Nagtaas siya ng kilay. I lowered my gaze a bit because his domineering aura really
did step up to a larger power.
"I thought you said you'll do everything?"
I knew it.
"Yeah, but... I have an appointment later."
"Appointment saan?" kunot-noo niyang tanong.
Narinig ko ang puso ko. Sa ganitong pagkakataon at sa simpleng tanong pa talaga na
iyon?
"Well, I'll model for Annie Schiffer sa gowns niya. Papasukat ako at meeting din.
Mamayang 2pm."
"Tonight, then," he said huskily.
Tumikhim ako. I'm suddenly bothered. What is this all about? Saan ba kami pupunta?
Bakit puwedeng pagkatapos namin dito? Puwede ring mamayang gabi?
"I... have to buy some things. I need to go home early."
Takot akong sulyapan siya pero ginawa ko pa rin. He looked the same. Nothing
changed with his intensity but he looked away.
"Maybe next time. Para saan ba?" I asked guiltily.
He shook his head, avoiding my question. "I'll come with you, then."
Muntik na akong masamid habang kumakain. Hindi siya nag-angat ng tingin sa akin.
Napalingon ako sa paligid, sa nagmemeeting, baka sakaling nagulat din sila. Oo nga
pala, ako lang naman ang nakarinig sa sinabi niya! Is this true? And why?
"S-Saan?" medyo gulantang ko pang tanong.
"Your meetings."
Tumikhim ako at sumubo na lang imbes na hayaan ang pangang malaglag.
"Okay..." hindi ko malaman kung ano ang idudugtong ko roon.
Tumahimik na lang ako kahit na sobrang ingay na ng isipan ko kakaisip sa lahat ng
ito. In the end, my conclusion was about my benefit to it. If we are civil now and
we will remain civil eventually, we might slowly talk about the past without
shouting at each other. Kung ganoon, mas mapapalapit na ang tsansa kong makausap
siya tungkol kay Jacques.
Now that it's almost knocking, I can't believe I am really doing it! May parte sa
aking ayaw nang tumuloy. May parte sa aking pinagdadamot na ang anak ko. Lalo na
tuwing negatibo ang naiisip ko kay Jax. So I reminded myself that it is not about
me, this is about my son. For him.
"Wala ka bang gagawin? I thought you have things to do that's why you want me to
come with you?" sabi ko nang 'di na napigilan.
"Wala," he simply said and that made me more confused.
Tinapos ko na ang pagkain. I excused myself so I could go to the powder room to
groom. Saktong pagkatapos ko sa iilang ginawa, pumasok si Miss Tamara roon at nag-
ayos na rin. She smiled at me for a while before she voiced out her confusion.
"You're a friend of Engineer Riego?" she asked.
"Uh. Sort of."
She nodded and stopped there. Nagpatuloy siya sa ginagawa, sumulyap ulit sa akin,
halatang marami pang tanong pero napigilan naman ang sarili.
Tapos na ako roon. Huli na nang natanto kong babalikan ko pa siya dapat para
sabihing aalis na ako. It was a weird thing to do since just some hours ago, I
never thought we'd be this way. Nakatanaw siya nang lumabas ako sa powder room.
Tumayo agad siya nang nakita akong papunta na sa kanya.
I am well aware of the eyes watching us but I have no choice. Bumagsak saglit ang
mga mata ko sa kanyang katawan. He really did mature so much. Hindi lang sa mukha.
Ginoong-ginoo ang tikas. I even think he looks darkly older than his age. Is it
because of the thin stubble, the hair, or the height? I'm not sure which. Kahit
kasi naka heels na ako ngayon, hanggang labi niya lang ang tanaw ko. How old is he
now? In between thirty and thirty-one?
Dumiretso na ako sa sasakyan ko. Iniligid niya ang mata niya roon saglit bago
dumiretso sa isang sasakyan. The sleek black Jaguar is just as sexy as the car I
imagined with him some nights ago. Iyong iniisip kong may sasakyan siyang mamahalin
at may mga babae siyang isinasakay? Ganoong ganoon! O higit pa, actually!
Kunot-noo kong pinasok ang puting Honda ko at pinaandar na iyon. Bitterness filled
me for a while as I imagine on his fully tinted car. Bakit sobrang tinted? Talagang
may isinasakay na babae 'yan!
I shouldn't care! I need to get a hold of myself!
Buti na lang medyo mahaba ang byahe at traffic kaya kumalma rin ako hanggang sa
dumating kami. Lalo na dahil nasa likod ko siya buong byahe.
When I entered Annie Schiffer's large hall of her designs, Jax was stalking behind
me. Hindi ko na kailangang tingnan dahil sa titig pa lang ng mga taong nagtatagal
sa likod ko, alam ko na kung ano ang pinagpipiyestahan nila. Some of Annie's gay
staffs were too everwhelmed that they bounced when they saw him.
"Amber!" si Annie, isang supermodel turned designer, in her 40s, na ngayon ang
bumati sa akin.
Her long curly hair swayed with her then her hooded eyes made a knowing glint
behind me. Nagbeso kami at nginuso niya ang nasa likod ko.
"Finally, nagkita tayo. Last time kasi, on vacation ako. Pero naka pirma ka naman
daw ng contract kaya I'm good with that!" she announced then her eyes went to Jaxon
again.
"Uh, this is-" hindi na ako pinatapos ng matanda.
Pilit pa akong tumabi nang naglahad ito ng kamay kay Jaxon.
"Of course, the only remaining bachelor of the Riegos. Jaxon Archibald, right? I'm
a fan of your works in Arch Pharmaceuticals! Annie Schiffer," she said happily.
What? Pharmaceuticals? Wait lang! I don't even know these things.
"Nice to meet you," he smiled politely at tinanggap na rin ang kamay.
Binalingan ako ni Annie at malapad na ngiti ulit ang ginawad sa akin. She was
waiting for an explanation of his appearance with me.
"He's a friend, Annie. Uh... Saan ako susukatan at okay na ba ang gowns?" winala ko
agad ang usapan.
"Oh sure, dear! Of course!"
Iginiya niya ako kung saan pero naiwan ang ulo niya kay Jaxon.
"Please, have seat on our comfy couch. Andy?! Assist our important guest, please!
We have coffee, tea, juice, anything. Feel free!" she said bago tuluyang napasa
akin ang atensyon.
Nauna na si Annie sa paglalakad at isang pitik lang ng daliri, lumapit na agad ang
taga sukat sa akin. I removed my jacket. Nilapag ko ang mga gamit sa lamesa. Kaya
lang nakita kong parang natigil ang oras para sa mga taong nasa paligid. Iyon pala,
nasa gilid ko na si Jaxon, kinukuha ang gamit ko.
"I'll just get this so you'd be more comfortable."
"Ah. Okay, thank you."
I feel like vomitting for feeling too scared or too nervous. Hindi agad ako
nakabawi. Nagpatuloy na lang ang lahat sa pagsusukat sa akin, medyo tulala pa ako
sa ginagawa ni Jax.
Nang pinatalikod ako roon, natanaw ko siyang tahimik na tumitingin-tingin sa
magazines na naroon sa harap niya. Ayokong mag-isip ng iba. I don't want to assume
anything but if I won't stop him, I'll lead him on! Ayoko ng ganoon. I have no
plans to get back with him!
Get back with him?
Naku, Amber! Nababaliw ka na ba? Tingin mo may gana 'yang makipagbalikan sa'yo?
Umaasa ka yata, e. Sa'yo galing ang paratang na 'yan! Ikaw lang itong dirty minded
kahit na nakikipag-ayos lang naman siguro ang tao para tuluyan nang magkaalaman!
Yes, that's it! I need to calm down. This is just nothing!
Matagal iyon lalo na dahil may ilang adjustments pa sa gowns na susuotin sa
preliminaries. Medyo malaki kasi ang sukat kaya nagdalawang oras yata kami sa
malaking fitting room nila para lang sa limang gowns.
After that, I went straight to Annie's office to see her design for the finale.
Medyo hindi na ako mapakali dahil ang dami niyang sinasabi at kanina ko pa iniwan
si Jax doon. Ano na kayang ginagawa noon? But it's rude to just cut Annie
Schiffer's excited words just for that.
"Huli na nang narealize ko na forte ko rin naman pala ang italian cuisine! My
tongue is like a native in Italy! Maria Emilia won't come because she's busy for
that... what was it?"
Ano ba ang schedule ni Mommy sa araw na iyon? "Uh... an auction, I think. For some
cancer patients."
"Yes. Her humanitarian and philantrophic activity whatnot."
I smiled when I realized Mommy is really coming back to the social circles here in
Manila.
"Kaya ikaw na lang, please. Pumunta ka!" she said. "Bring Jaxon Riego with you!
Or... si Nikolai ba?"
"Uh, Nikolai will be at home that time, I think. Klaudio will visit."
"Oh..." nanliit ang mga mata ni Annie Schiffer.
I can imagine her confused mind working now. May idudugtong pa sana ako pero
nagsalita siyang bigla.
"Whatever. Just go. You need to go!" she said.
"Okay. I will," sabi ko sabay tanggap sa invitation niya.
Mabuti na lang at hindi na kami nagtagal pa pagkatapos noon. Lumabas na kami at una
kong hinanap si Jax. He was patiently waiting on the couch with his eyes closed.
When he heard Annie Schiffers laments, mabilis siyang bumaling sa amin. He then
shiften on his seat. Nilapitan siya ng secretary ni Annie at tinanong ng kung ano.
I realized some of the staffs were watching him.
"Thank you! Thank you so much for being part of this! I am honored! I am so proud!"
paulit-ulit na sinabi ni Annie habang palapit kami kay Jax.
Tumayo si Jax at kinuha na ang bag at jacket ko. His eyes run down on my body and
he stepped forward towards me.
"Thank you also for coming with Amber, Engineer. I would offer you to model for me
but I think men like you, these are not your types..." she smiled sweetly.
Jax helped me put on my jacket. Medyo kinakabahan na naman ako. He chuckled and
looked at Annie Schiffer.
"No, Ma'am. That's an honor but I'm not into it."
"I knew you would say that," Annie smiled and then she send us off her place.
Palabas na kami nang kumaway na ako kay Annie. We went to the parking lot silently.
Palubog na ang araw at ang gagawin ko na lang ngayon ay mamili ng iilang
kakailanganin sa bahay. I don't think Jax needs to come with me. Nilingon ko siya
bago ako makabalik sa sasakyan.
"Huwag mo na akong samahan. I'll just buy some groceries malapit sa amin. Okay na
ako."
"No, I'll come with you," he said.
Hindi pa umiilaw ang mga lamp posts kaya hindi ko masyadong kita ang ekspresyon
niya. I don't know if he was true to that or he's just being sarcastic but I
continued.
"It's just groceries. Kaya..."
"Sasama ako. Uuwi rin ako pagkatapos," sabi niya.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Actually, I should treat him some dinner but I remember I
promised Jacques I'll be there for dinner.
"Okay. Uh... Sorry, I can't treat you for dinner. I have to go home."
"I understand," diretso niyang sinabi.
Katahimikan ang bumalot sa aming dalawa saglit bago siya may pahabol.
"But... are you available on Wednesday. For dinner?"
"Actually..." itinuro ko ang opisina ni Annie. "I was invited by Annie Schiffer for
her Italian restaurant's opening kaya hindi rin ako puwede."
He cocked his head to the other side. Nagtaas ng isang kilay at umigting ang panga.
"I thought you'd do anything? Cancel that. I want a dinner with you on Wednesday,"
he said with finality.
Huminga ako ng malalim at kinuha ang invitation. I know he's thinking that I'm
avoiding him. Ilang invitation niya na sa araw na iyon ang tinanggihan ko.
"I can't cancel it. Umoo na ako kay Annie at nahihiya akong tanggihan pa. She's
very nice and I don't want to let her down. She's expecting me to come," paliwanag
ko.
Kunot-noo niyang chineck ang invitation. Nasa dulo na ng dila ko ang pag-imbita sa
kanya gaya ng sinabi ni Annie pero hindi ko masabi.
"W-We can have the dinner you want on Tuesday," sabi ko, kabado.
He returned the invitation to me. "I have an important meeting on Tuesday."
"Oh..." Yumuko ako, medyo nabigo at mas lalong kinabahan.
"I-I'll see if I can cancel-"
"Huwag na, Jax. It's just a simple friendly dinner, anyway. No need to cancel an
important meeting. Isa pa... b-baka mag-usap din kami ng agent ko pala sa gabing
iyon," agap ko.
He nodded slowly. Hindi na ako nagsalita. Hindi na rin siya nagsalita.
"Eight pm pa sa Wednesday ang opening ng restaurant," he said.
"Yes. Eight to ten."
"We can... have our dinner six pm of that day."
"Matatraffic ako patungo sa restaurant. Let's just reschedule it," I said coldly, a
bit irritated at myself.
"You don't run out of excuses. Are you avoiding me?" he said sternly.
"I'm not! Totoo naman kasi ang mga sinasabi ko!" Calm down, Amber. Don't lose your
patience over this simple thing!
"We'll eat near the restaurant. And I'll come with you on that opening you are
talking about. That's done," he said and turned his car on.
Suminghap ako at bumaling na sa sasakyan ko. Iyon ang naglaro sa isipan ko buong
byahe. Kahit pa nasa loob na kami ng groceries, tahimik siyang sumusunod,
nagtutulak ng cart.
I put on some chocolate drinks and juices on it. Sinulyapan ko siya. Dinampot niya
iyon at tiningnan ang likuran ng inumin. Bahagya akong kinabahan.
Hindi ko itinago na may anak ako. Hindi ko nga lang masyadong iniexposed si Jacques
sa internet para sa kanyang security. Iniisip ko kagabi kung alam ba ni Jax na may
anak ako ngayon natanto kong imposibleng hindi niya alam iyon. Now, I proved it
right. He knows that I have a son.
My heart hurt especially when he put the drink down, some cold defiance about it is
on his face. Nanginig ang labi ko nang nagkatinginan kami.
"W-Why?" I asked.
Umiling siya at nag-iwas ng madilim na tingin. Tinulak niya ang cart at nauna na sa
akin. He stopped to see another drink. And he turned it around to read whatever is
on the back labels. Parang tinutusok ang puso ko.
Naglakad ako patungo sa kanya. Nilapag niya ang isang drink na kinuha niya sa aking
cart. Gulat na gulat ako. Lalo na nang sinulyapan niya lang ako saglit bago siya
nagsalita.
"Try this. This looks healthier," he said nonchalantly and pushed the cart again.
Hindi na ulit kami nag-usap pa. Tumulong siya sa paglalagay ng pinamili ko sa
sasakyan. I said thank you politely at umalis na rin. Sinundan niya ako hanggang sa
lumiko na ako sa basement ng condo. Papasok ako nang humarurot ang sasakyan niya
paalis ng tuluyan.
I may look normal now but the truth is, I am a mess inside. Tama na iyon para
bigyan ako ng ilang gabing walang tulog.

[ 27 Kabanata25 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 25
Model
Noong pinlano ko ang lahat ng ito, inakala kong sobrang dali lang nito. I'll just
meet Jaxon, talk to him about Jacques, let them meet and then we'll leave again for
the States. Ngayong abot kamay ko na, nalaman kong hindi pala iyon ganoon. It's a
process and it definitely doesn't revolve just around my son.
I have to clear my mind, too. I have to condition myself to all the possible things
that will happen. I shivered when I thought of Jaxon's possible reaction about it.
Ang pinaka nakakatakot na sumagi sa isipan ko ay ang pamamaratang sa akin na
nagsisinungaling ako. He will think that I'm lying just so I could get him back or
so he can forgive me for the past mistakes.
I have to be careful. I have to calculate all my moves before I can finally tell
him about it.
I know that he's angry and he's trying to make fun of me through his offers now.
Hindi ko nga lang alam kung ano talaga ang plano niya pero base naman sa pag-uusap
namin pagkatapos ng conference, he won't forgive me easily. He's not hung up with
me. He's moved on. He doesn't want to be involved with me romantically, and I'm
glad that we're on the same page. Magtitiis na lang ako. Hindi kalaunan, maaayos
din ito. My only goal is to finally be okay with him so he'd accept Jacques
smoothly when the time comes. Hindi ko kakayanin kung sakaling itakwil niya ang
anak ko. I'd bleed forever for the pain of my son.
Tinitigan ko ang sarili ko sa salamin. The years and years of pro modeling taught
me how to do my own make up in all occassions. Kaya sa gabing ito, ako na rin ang
nag-ayos sa sarili ko.
I am wearing a black longsleeved short tight dress. I wanted to ponytail my hair
but I let it down with its waves. Ito ang araw na tinukoy ni Jaxon noong huli
kaming nagkita. I eventually agreed to him since it was a reasonable deal.
I scrolled at my phone to read a text message from an unknown number yesterday.
Hindi ko na inisip pa kung paano niya nakuha ang numero ko. After all, I am
modeling for his company so he'd have access to things like these if he wants to.
Unknown Number:
Tomorrow. 6pm. -Jax
Ako:
Name the resto. I'll be there. I can drive myself.
It took him a while before he replied. Akala ko nga pag-aawayan pa namin ang
tungkol sa pagmamaneho pero nagulat ako nang ibinigay niya na alng ang detalye ng
wala nang iba pang sinabi.
I went out of my room after a few spray of my perfume. I am already on my stilletos
now. Nang nasa corridor na, tumigil ulit para tingnan ang sarili sa salamin.
Naririnig ko ang ingay ng mga apo ni Nikolai na naglalaro. They will have a
sleepover here with Jacques. Abala ang anak ko sa mga bisita niya kaya nagulat ako
nang natanaw ko siyang nakatitig sa akin sa dulo ng hallway.
I sighed and smiled at him. I walked towards him as his dark eyes rounded on my
body then back to my face. Tumaas ang isang kilay niya nang nag-angat ng tingin sa
akin.
Medyo guilty ako na hindi ko pa nababanggit sa kanya ang tungkol kay Jax. I didn't
want him to hope too much dahil hindi ko pa naman alam kung tatanggapin nga siya o
hindi. Hindi na rin niya binanggit ang tungkol sa kanyang ama. Simula nang dumating
kami rito, actually. But Jacques is very bright and mature. I bet he has his own
reasons as to why he's not asking for his father anymore right now. And I bet it's
because he doesn't want to put pressure on me.
"You're so beautiful, Mama," he said coldly.
Ngumuso ako, nagpipigil ng ngiti. I squatted in front of him so our eyes would
level. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin at hinuli ko iyon.
"When you say those words you have to be a bit cheery to sound sincere, Jacques.
You sound cold and even mad. Are you?"
Umiling siya bago nag-angat muli ng tingin sa akin. "What time are you going home?
Tulog na ba ako pag uwi mo?"
"Hmm. The event is until ten. Tatapusin ko lang iyon, then I'll be home by then.
Say... eleven?"
He nodded. "I'll be asleep with my friends by then. I'll kiss you goodnight now so
you won't disturb my room later if you're home late."
Napatikhim ako roon. Tinanggap ko na lang ang mga halik niya sa akin pero hindi
natanggal sa isipan ko ang sinabi niya. This kid is growing up so fast! Nagseselos
ako! Besides that... even without knowing his father, some of his actions are
almost as if modeled from him!
"Okay. I'll say good night, early, then?" sabi ko.
He nodded without looking at me.
Iyon ang naging laman ng isipan ko hanggang sa nakarating na sa restaurant na
tinukoy ni Jax. I was led to the basement parking just beside his Jaguar, and him
waiting and leaning on it. He was there in his sleek dark suit. The black well-cut
slacks hugged his hips and emphasized his long muscular legs. A faint frown creased
on his face. The shadow of the thin stubble on his face emphasized the power that
radiated from him like a dark aura.
Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko at hindi nakagalaw ng ilang sandali. Kung hindi niya lang
pinagbuksan ang pintuan ko, hindi pa ako makakagalaw roon.
Kinuha ko ang aking bag at umalis na sa sasakyan. He was hovering near me,
intimidating and territorial. I locked my car and regained my composure, trying
hard to not be affected.
"Kanina ka pa?" tanong ko.
"Hindi naman. Let's go. I reserved us a private hall in their restaurant."
I swallowed hard when I realized he's a bit confident, too. I am trying to fake my
confidence hoping to find something a fault in him. Ngayong nakikita kong mukhang
mas komportable pa siya sa akin, unti-unti akong mas lalong nawawalan ng
confidence.
A staff welcomed us on a private elevator. Tahimik kaming dalawa sa presensya noong
staff pero dumami ang gulo sa isipan ko.
The private elevator lead to a more private hall way towards a secluded part of the
restaurant. Bitterness filled my mind when I realized that there were many people
on that high end restaurant. Isang malaking dingding ng reflective glass wall yata
ang nakapagitan sa kinaroroonan naming room ngunit nakikita ko ang mga tao sa
labas.
Sumagi sa isipan ko na pinili niya ang pribadong lugar na ito dahil hindi kami
puwedeng makita. I don't know what's gotten into me but I hated it. Hindi ko nga
lang pinahalata. The courses arrived without further ado. Tahimik na lang akong
kumain nang 'di tinitingnan si Jax sa harap ko. I know he's watching me carefully.
Sumulyap ako sa labas at nakikita kong mayroon pa nga akong ilang kilala na
kumakain. If he's so conscious that someone might see us here, paano pa sa
restaurant ni Annie Schiffer?
"Your first shoot will be on Saturday..." he trailed off after a long silence.
Pinalitan na ng sumunod na course ang aming pagkain. Tumango ako.
"Yeah. According to my sched."
"You declined a shoot on Friday and moved it. Why?" he asked.
"Annie's fashion show will be on Friday. Conflict of sched."
Tumango siya at uminom ng tubig. Nagtiim-bagang siya at nag-isip ng ilang sandali.
Hindi siya nakatingin sa akin kaya nagkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob na titigan siya
sa ganito ka lapit. His eyes then drifted towards me. Bahagya akong kinabahan. I
want to look away but I didn't want to give him any idea of my sudden irritation
with all of these so I calmly looked at the food, instead.
"If you could give me your sched, I can schedule for the shoots around it."
Nagtaas ako ng kilay at napatingin sa kanya. Why do I find that a bit wrong?
Nahalata ko iyon pero masyado talaga siyang intimidating para magulat sa reaksyon
ko.
"I'll let my management contact your agent so they can deal with that," he said.
Tumango ako. Hinayaan na lang siya. Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. It was a very
tensed long moment. Unti-unting bumilis at lumakas ang tambol ng puso ko hanggang
sa iyon na lang ang naririnig ko. I looked away, then! Ibinagsak muli ang mga mata
sa pagkain samantalang uminom lang ng tubig si Jax, walang kahirap-hirap sa titigan
na iyon!
How is this so unfair. I sighed and regained my composure again.
"Since the dinner you want is already done here, and I have my car with me, huwag
mo na akong samahan sa opening ng restaurant ni Annie Schiffer," matapang kong
sinabi.
He is now watching me with dark eyes, brows almost in a straight line, and
unsmiling lips. He cocked his head to another side, tila ba hindi makapaniwala sa
naririnig sa akin.
"But we agreed to do these all together," he said.
"There will be media to cover that."
"So?"
Kung ayaw niyang makita kami ng maraming tao, mas lalo naman ako. Like what I said,
we're on the same page. Like him, I've moved on. The last thing I want now is for
us to be reported as a thing.
"So? I don't want everyone to think that we're a thing! Naka move on na tayong
pareho kaya dapat wala nang ganoon!" But I didn't say that.
I stopped my tongue before I could spew so many jabbing words. I need to be calm
when we communicate. I have to remember my son and set aside whatever's wrong or
whatever it is that I am feeling.
"I... I just don't wanna be involved or something. Alam mo naman ang media
ngayon... nagkasama lang, may kung ano na agad," sabi ko, mas kalmado sa naunang
dapat na nasabi.
His face darkened more. The ruthlessness and menace was etched in every corners.
Bumagsak ang tingin niya sa wine glass at uminom muna bago nagsalita.
"As long as you're not guilty that you're involved with me, then there shouldn't be
problem."
Titig na titig siya sa akin. It was like he's triggering something. It was very
effective dahil ang iritasyon kong naramdaman kanina, mas lalong nadepina ngayon. I
had to literally count fifty to one in my head before I could finally sigh and say
something better.
"Kung sa bagay..." nagkibit balikat ako.
Nagkatinginan ulit kami. The side of his lips rose. For some reason, nararamdaman
kong nanunubok siya sa akin. Naninimbang ang tingin niya. Mas lalo kong napatunayan
iyon nang nagsalita siyang muli.
"So what if the media will think you're involved with me. You're not married.
You've never been married. And you're not with that old man."
Bahagya kong naisip kung paano niya tuloy-tuloy na nasabi iyon. He believed that I
was married. It was as if he's proved that one or something. Pero hindi ko na
inisip iyon.
"I'm not involved with you. I'm not guilty and I have no plans to be. Kaya ayos
lang nga. Ikaw?" I confidently fired back. "Ayos lang sa'yo na makita tayong
dalawa?"
I smirked at him. His expression soften, hindi tinatanggal ang titig sa akin.
Napawi ang ngisi ko dahil nararamdaman ko talagang dehado ako kahit pa sinusubukan
kong hindi ipahalata ang kahit ano.
"I have no problem," his lips curved in a familiar sexy manner.
I smoothly drifted my eyes on the next course. Kalmadong kalmado na tumikim doon
bago uminom ng wine, wala nang idinugtong sa sinabi niya. When I looked at him
again, he was watching me closely, almost smiling, and with a shivering winning
expression.
Hindi na ako makapaghintay na pumunta sa event ni Annie Schiffer. I just want some
people between us. Habang tumatagal, lalong nagiging tensyunado para sa akin.
Habang tumatagal, lalo akong kinakabahan. Lumalala pa kapag nakikita kong kalmado
siya at mukhang nananantiya pa sa akin.
Gaya kanina sa basement, iginiya rin ako sa parking sa tabi ng kanyang sasakyan. He
was lazily waiting for me, leaning on his car. I am so nervous I would faint pero
noong lumabas ako ng sasakyan, hindi ko pinahalata iyon.
"Let's go..." I even said it first to gain more confidence.
Sumunod siya sa akin. Tama nga ako. Malayo pa lang kami, sumusuka na ang restaurant
ng media. The people inside the Italian restaurant were socialites and some family
friends. Kaya naman nang atakehin ako ng media para sa iilang tanong, pinaunlakan
ko iyon pero hanggang sa damit ko lang. Then I immediately excused myself before
Jax could catch up to me.
Sa loob, may media rin. Naging abala ako sa pagbati ng iilang kakilala.
"Amber! Where's your Mom?"
"In an auction, Tita," sabi ko.
Nakipagbeso ako sa kausap. May iilan pang nangumusta at nakipagbeso rin ako isa-
isa. Napasinghap ako nang nakita ang iilang kausap kong bahagyang natulala sa likod
ko. Hindi ko na kailangang lumingon para malaman kung ano ang pinagkakagulat nila.
"Jaxon!" some older men called him.
Nilingon ko siya at nakitang kinausap na iyong mga matatanda. Nang bumalik ang
tingin ko sa mga kausap, nagngitian na lang ang mga ito. Halata ang mga tanong sa
isipan na hindi na isinatinig.
"Excuse me, po," sabi ko at iniwan na ang grupo para dumiretso kay Annie nang
maipakitang dumating naman ako.
Iniwan ko rin si Jax sa kung sino man ang mga kinausap niya. Kaya lang, bago pa ako
nakadiretso kay Annie, naharangan ulit ako ng iilang kilala.
"You look so good, Amber. Hindi ko alam na nakabalik ka kasama si Marem. I thought
it's just Marem!"
Ngumiti ako. "Kasama po ako. With my son, too," pagkasabi ko sa huling sinabi,
nawala na sa akin ang atensyon nila. They are all gawking at someone behind me.
Nagtaas ako ng kilay at nginitian na lang ang iilang nakatingin pa sa akin.
"Jaxon!" someone in our crowd said. Naglahad ng kamay ang matandang babae.
Iyon naman ang kinausap nila. Ipinakilala sa mga naroon. I excused myself when I
saw Annie near them. Lalo na dahil nang nakita ako, kumaway siya. I left the group
again to go to Annie Schiffer who's in the middle of talking to a large crowd of
socialites.
"I'm so glad and honored to be visited by the country's prized pro supermodel,
Amber Sevilla!"
"Amber! Oh my! Kumusta? Si Nikolai?" isang family friend ulit ang nagbeso sa akin,
snatching me from Annie's hold.
"Uh, he's at home po-"
"At home? I thought you got a divorce? Hindi ka pa bumubukod?" she said.
Nakita ko ang itsura ng iilang naroon. They were scandalized by that woman's
question. Hindi naman kasi ugali ng mga tao rito ang manghimasok at makichismis. I
know they know things but they won't say it. Gusto ko iyon. Puwere na lang sa
nagtatanong ngayon. But I made that opportunity to clear some things up.
"Uh, I never married Nikolai. We're just good friends, Tita," sabi ko.
Medyo nairita rin si Annie sa nagtanong kaya hinigit niya ako roon. Napadalawang
tingin siya sa likod ko nang may nakita ulit. Nilingon ko iyon at nakitang palapit
na sa grupo si Jaxon.
"Oh, Amber! Sinama mo talaga si Jaxon Riego! Hmm..." Annie gave me a playful
knowing look.
Umiling ako para ipakitang wala lang iyon pero wala na siyang pakealam doon. She
was now busy hovering behind Jaxon, bragging to her guest about his achievements
and her honor to have him here in her restaurant's opening.
To cut the story short, the air of the restaurant buzzed with the screaming of some
juicy news about me and the bachelor, Jaxon Riego. Pero gaya ng pangako ko, hindi
ako guilty kaya hindi ako magrereact sa kahit ano. Ganoon din naman siya. He was
civil to all of the people there. The media were tamed, too. I heard Annie will
kick them out if they start asking offending questions to some socialites.
After thanking Jaxon, I said goodbye and went inside my car. Gaya ng dati, sinundan
niya akong muli sa pag-uwi. I sped up a bit to see if he will do the same. He did.
Binabagalan niya kasi ang takbo ng kanyang sasakyan para bumuntot. A car took his
place when I sped up but he quickly got my pace and kept up.
Pagkaliko ko papasok sa tower, he sped up his Jaguar with a loud roar and he was
gone.
Hindi ako makatulog ulit sa gabing iyon. I sighed at my phone as I sat on the cold
chair on the balcony. Tinawagan ko na lang si Phillie na abala sa pagpaparty.
Naririnig kong medyo lasing na siya. Ibababa ko sana kanina pero sinabi niya sa
aking huwag muna at mag-usap muna kami dahil may nakahalikan siya sa dancefloor na
hindi niya gusto. Oh, her life... Umiling na lang ako.
"You know what you should do to clear the rumors? Umalis ka riyan kay Nikolai!
Bumili ka ng unit mo. Huwag mo nang tipirin. I know you're not poor, Amber.
Compared sa estado mo noon, siguro, oo, pero hindi ako naniniwalang 'di mo kayang
bumili."
I sighed. "Para saan kasi kung aalis din naman kami ni Jacques pagkatapos ng lahat
ng ito."
"Benta mo! You can earn from that. It's not a dead investment."
I sighed.
"Also... you know Papa Jax, I think he's hitting on you. Really-"
"I don't think so. He clearly said-"
"Oh stop being so unassuming, Amber! Sino ba ang ex na makikipagkita ng ganoon?"
"Okay. Nakikipagkita nga kasi siya kasi gusto niyang gumanti sa akin."
"Lame excuse! Hindi ka niyan tatanggapin sa company niya kung maghihiganti nga!
Papa Jax is hitting on you-"
"I have no intention to have that kind of relationship again, Phillie," medyo
iritado ko nang sinabi.
"I know, alright. Pero ano ba talaga ang inaayawan mo? Ayaw mo bang complete family
kayo ni Jacques? He's single and not committed to anyone! You are and you have a
son-"
"I don't need a man to raise my son. I don't have to have a husband to be a
complete family and I don't want to be involved with Jax that way again..."
Pumikit ako at umiling nang naalala ang nakaraan na ayaw na ayaw kong balikan.
There were many, many mistakes. I know how I am going to love Jaxon if I let myself
do it again. That kind of love is toxic and it will destroy me. Ipinangako ko sa
sarili ko na hinding-hindi na ako magmamahal ng ganoon. At lalong hindi sa kanya.
I shivered at the thought of the intensity of my feelings when I was young. I
shivered more when I imagine that it could still be here... just buried in me. Wala
na siguro. Hindi na ulit. Hindi na talaga ako uulit. I learned my lesson well and
I've learned to govern my own feelings.
I exercised more the next day in preparation for Annie Schiffer's catwalk. Si Mommy
naman, mas lalong naging abala dahil sa sobrang lapit na ng birthday ni Lolo.
Luluwas din si Lolo pero mananatili muna siya sa mansion sa Cavite. Mommy is still
grooming the Sevilla mansion in Quezon City because he will then stay there for the
duration of the celebration. Lalo na't malapit lang iyon sa isang hotel na property
na rin ni Tito Remus ngayon.
"Next week na pala ang luwas nina Snow. Alam mo ba?" Mommy asked while I am doing
yoga in front of the unit's garden.
Tumigil ako at nilingon ko siya.
"Sa huling pag-uusap namin, wala siyang sinabing araw. She only said that it's
near."
Tumango si Mommy. "She'll go by plane dahil marami sila. Hindi mag cho-chopper.
Have some plans to go out with her?"
Nagpatuloy ako sa yoga.
"Yup. Nagkasundo kami. I have plans to go out with Harper and Philomena, too. Baka
isabay ko na, kung sakali. If it's gonna be next week."
"Oh..." Mommy said with a familiar undone rhythm. "Hmm. You know what? I heard that
you're seen in Annie Schiffer's restaurant opening with..."
Tumigil ulit ako para tingnan si Mommy ngayon. She's sporting an evil and offended
smile.
"Mommy-"
"Wala na akong pakealam sa kung ano talaga ang plano mo, Amber. Kung magkabalikan
kayo ng lalaking iyon. I just hope his family won't deny my grandson or else,
isasama kita sa kamumuhian ko."
Napalunok ako roon. Hindi ko maipagkakaila na kahit ako, hindi rin naman sigurado
kung kakayanin ko ba kung sakaling itakwil si Jacques. I understand Mom's
sentiments but she's scaring me so much.
"I'm scared, too, Mom. That's my son! Pero ito ang gusto niya at gagawin ko ang
lahat para umayos para sa kanya."
"What will you do if they won't accept him?"
Kinagat ko ang labi ko.
"I'll go back to the States immediately."
"And Jacques?"
"I'll just... lie to him... then. I don't know..." bigo kong sinabi.
Tumango si Mommy, anger is slowly surfacing on her expression.
"And then, I'll stay. I'll see what I can do," she said in a chilly voice.
For years, I've seen my mother take care of her anger for that family. I don't know
what exactly happen to her but I hope she will let go of it one day. Ang kalagayan
ng anak ko ay hindi sapat na dahilan para idagdag niya sa poot na nararamdaman.
Hindi rin naman ako perpekto at nagagalit din pero alam ko kung kailan titigil,
kailan aawat. Mommy can't seem to stop hating them.
"Or don't. Your anger for Tito Achilles has been going on for years, Mom."
Nagulat siya sa sinabi ko. May sasabihin pa sana pero inunahan ko.
"Magagalit din ako ng sobra-sobra kay Jax at maaaring sa pamilya niya. I would
raise hell but I will leave and leave them alone. Their misery won't be my
happiness. Their struggle won't be my son's joy. I will run from the pain, Mom.
Hindi iyong maglalakad ako ng mahabang panahon, kasama ito. Tatakbuhan ko ang
sakit. Tatakbuhan ko sila," sabi ko.
Mommy looked at me directly. Anger is still with her. Tumayo ako at nilapitan siya
para yakapin. Then I realized how wrong I was to say those words when I don't
really know her real story. I don't know her pain. I don't know how hurt she is. I
don't know how her soul was broken because of it.
I hugged her and whispered.
"But you are the strong and powerful Maria Emilia who will never back down. You'll
be friend your pain and ride with it. If you cope up this way... if you're at peace
that way... I won't judge you, Mommy."
Slowly, she wrapped her arms around me. She hugged me so tight. She buried her face
on my shoulders. My eyes widened at that. Then her shoulders started shivering so
bad for the sudden tears.
Hindi ako gumalaw. Hindi ako nakagalaw. Ayokong gumalaw sa pagkakayakap niya. The
way she embraced me felt like she was crying for help... for someone. And my heart
breaks for my Mom.
Sa araw na iyon, tahimik kaming pareho Hindi na ako nagtanong kung ayos lang ba
siya o ano. Hinayaan ko siya. Hinayaan niya rin ako. When she was done crying, we
were still silent on the couch as I combed her long shiny hair. So beautiful and
original. I smiled at my wicked and beautiful Mom.
Ang sabi nila, Snow was very much like my Mommy and I'm not. Now I realized that I
am like Mommy, too. Duwag lang ako. Malakas at matindi akong magalit. Duwag lang
talaga. Mas gugustuhin ko ang tumakbo. Hindi iyon mali. Hindi rin mali ang paraan
ni Mommy. It's just how we were wired and I was wired this way, she is wired that
way. Still, we're both beautifully wired.
Friday came and it was Annie Schiffer's catwalk for the expo. Maaga ako sa
backstage ng event hall. Naroon na rin ang mga models. Her models are the most
popular in the country, too. Dahil wala naman akong kilalang modelo, tahimik lang
ako sa tabi habang inaayusan. Some were very popular that I can see how much
respect they get from other models.
I was civil to each of them but I know that there's an invisible wall between me
and them. S'yempre, hindi na ako nagtaka. Lalo pa noong narinig ko na pinag-uusapan
nila ako. They were all too confident that the electronic music was too loud and I
couldn't hear them but truth is, I can.
"Siya 'yong nakuha sa Uni! That was a big project!" someone said then looked at me.
Nanatili ang mga mata ko sa salamin, pretending that I didn't hear a thing. The
make up artist is busy doing my make up so I couldn't move much, too.
"Siguro maraming kilala."
"Uy! Kiara's here na!" someone said and a tall pretty lady came.
Nagtagal ng bahagya ang tingin ko sa babae. She looks familiar. HIndi ko alam kung
saan ko siya nakita pero posibleng sikat na modelo rin ito dahil pamilyar nga sa
akin. Everyone liked her. Everyone celebrated. May isa pang tumabi sa inuupuang
silya para paupuin ang modelo.
She glanced my way while someone was whispering something on her. Tumikhim ako at
tinitigan na lang ang sarili sa salamin.
Dumating ang iilang bulaklak para sa amin. Isa-isa kaming binigyan noon, iba-iba
ang itsura. Tiningnan ko ang dedication ng akin at nakita ang dedication. It is not
surprising to receive flowers in the backstage. In my experience, clients give
some. Even admirers and fans can, too. Depende na iyon kung may kilala o medyo
malaking tao iyon. Kaya nang nabasang galing kay Annie Schiffer galing ang mga
bulaklak, ipinagkibit-balikat ko na lang iyon dahil ganoon naman talaga.
"Sayang nga at nasa Hong Kong ako for the fashion summit noong audition sa Uni. I
wanted to audition," I heard the most popular of the crowd said.
Nagsisimula na rin silang ayusan. Nakahilera sila ngayon sa mga salamin sa likod
ko. Ang iba'y tapos na at gumagala sa likuran nila para sa kuwentuhan. They still
didn't think I could hear them, huh?
"Naku, Kiara! Kung ikaw iyong nag audition, ikaw siguro talaga ang kukunin! Extra
na lang kahit 'yong Ford model diyan. You're close to their boss, right?"
The temptation to watch them again was so strong. Hindi ko na lang ginawa. I
checked the contour of my face and blended some spots that aren't well done.
"I heard you had a thing. Is it true? O it's not past tense? Hanggang ngayon ba?"
usisa ng isa pang modelo.
"Wala na. I heard he brought a model on Annie's restaurant opening last Wednesday.
E 'di wala na kayo, Kiara?" mas malisyosong singit ng isang nananahimik na modelo.
The girl Kiara only laughed meaningfully.
"Kayo talaga! You're all nosy!" she said.
May dumating ulit na mga bulaklak. Dalawa iyon at para sa akin ang lahat. Natigilan
sila habang namamangha sa mga nilalapag sa aking lamesa. I signed something from
the one who brought it.
"Thank you," I said softly.
Sumulyap ako sa salamin at nakita kong nakatingin ang mga modelo sa akin. Tumayo si
Kiara, pinatabi saglit ang make up artist niya. Tumikhim ako at isa-isang binasa
ang mga note ng bulaklak.
Hi Amber!
I am a huge fan! Been following you since you started modeling for Calvin Klein. I
love your style! I won't be there to watch you for Annie Schiffer but I'll wait for
vids. Hope to see you soon!
-Eury Hidalgo
Oh... from a famous idol and actress. Hindi ko nga lang alam kung aktibo pa ito sa
showbusiness ngayon.
The other one was from another model-actress who follows me on my social media
handles. Natigil ako sa pagbabasa nang nakitang nakalapit na si Kiara.
"Hi! I'm Kiara!" she smiled and shamelessly checked the note of Eury Hidalgo.
Mabilis niyang binaba pagkatapos pasadahan ng isang beses.
Nakatingin na ang mga modelo sa amin. Ang iba'y palapit na rin para makipagkaibigan
o mang usisa.
"Amber Sevilla." I smiled.
"I heard you were with Jaxon Riego last Wednesday on Annie's restaurant opening?"
Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya, walang ibang ibibigay na ekspresyon kundi lamig. I
didn't say anything. Hinintay kong dudugtungan niya pa iyon.
"Hmm. Since ikaw ang nakuha ng Uni, siguro." Nagkibit siya ng balikat. "I was also
a candidate for that, you know. Busy lang talaga ako sa offers kaya hindi na
nagkatime. Jaxon even told me I should try but... nah... Sayang nga. Mas fit daw
ang role since I'm single and with no baggage. You know... I mean, may anak ka na,
'di ba? Kind of unbecoming as the model of a conservative brand."
What the hell? Really?
May kumpitesyon din sa ibang bansa pero hindi kailanman ginawang batayan ang
pagkakaroon ko ng anak! This is the first time I heard of this kind of thinking. It
hurt. I am immediately agitated. Kinailangan ko pang tumigil ng ilang saglit at
baka tumayo ako't hindi na mapigilan ang sarili sa babaeng ito.
"But... I must say you did a great thing with your body. Hindi halatang may anak ka
na. Siguro you starve yourself just to maintain that figure."
I smiled even when I'm heating up inside.
I know this girl is famous in the modeling industry here in the Philippines but I
can't believe this is how she treats anyone. O dahil ba iyon kay Jaxon? Who is this
girl? Is she his girlfriend or an ex? The hell with them! Huwag nila akong isasali
sa mga kabulastugan nila dahil wala akong pakealam!
"Not really. Just yoga. I don't restrict much with my food. I ate enough last
Wednesday at Annie's restaurant opening even when I ate four courses of dinner
before that." I licked my lower lip and paused to give emphasis on my last
sentence. "Bakit? Ikaw ba? You starve to get that body?" Iniligid ko ang mga mata
ko sa kanyang katawan.
She then looked pissed. Tumawa siya at tinalikuran na ako. Bago siya makapaglakad
pabalik sa kanyang upuan, sinalubong siya ng isang staff na tumatalon talon papunta
sa kanya. I rolled my eyes while everyone gossiped when we heard the staff's news
for the model.
"Jaxon Riego is among the crowd. Nasa VIP!"
"See?" the model said cockily.
"You're still on, huh?" the other model said.
"Baka hindi ikaw ang pinunta, Kiara?" another said.
Kaya nagtalo na sila ngayon sa kung sino ang ipinunta ni Jax dito. I rolled my
eyes again and minded my own business, instead.

[ 28 Kabanata26 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 26
Lie
Hindi na nagtagal pa, nagsimula na ang fashion show. I have been doing this for so
many years now but I couldn't remember a time where I felt my knees tremble because
of extreme nervousness. Para akong baguhang modelo kung manginig at manlamig. Hindi
pa nakakatulong na isa ako sa huling mga lalabas bawat batch ng damit.
Nang lumabas ako at naglakad na sa harap, una kong nakita si Jaxon. He looked bored
at first but when his eyes met mine, he shifted on his seat and his gaze remained
on me. Of course, I can't stay watching him the whole time. I have to do my job so
I did.
Nobody knew what's on my mind as I did my usual turns and walk. It blurred out my
nervousness as I thought of that model's remark about my being a mother. Ganoon ba
ka kitid ang utak ng mga tao rito? I wonder if Jaxon is thinking the same?
Sinubukan kong iwan ang kaisipang iyon nang napadpad ulit sa backstage para
magbihis. Ang baba ng tingin nila sa mga gaya ko. I can't believe it. And that girl
was his ex or present girlfriend? Walang taste! Just when I thought he's smart, he
should've gotten a better girl!
I am on my second ramp when I got a chance to take a look at Jaxon. He was closely
watching me with a half smile. I rolled my eyes on him swiftly, hindi kita ng iba,
siya lang. His eyes widened and his lips rose more. I even caught him chuckle. He
shifted on his seat at iniwan ko na ang titig niya sa iritasyon sa kanyang naging
reaksyon.
My heart boomed so much pagkapasok ko ulit sa backstage. I know I have to move
fast. Pinaligiran agad ako ng iilang stylist at make up artist pero ang laman ng
isipan ko ay ang nangyari kanina.
I closed my eyes for a long time to slowly arrange my thoughts. I shouldn't be
affected. I shouldn't show any signs of it. Mahabang panahon akong mag-isa at
maayos ang kalagayan, hindi puwedeng ilang linggo pa lang ako rito ganito na.
For the finale, I was very composed and on point. Wala na ang galit na namanaag
kanina at naayos ko na rin ang estado ng isipan. Annie Schiffer went on stage
beside me and a round of applause was given by the audience. Nang bumalik kami sa
backstage, mas lalo akong kumalma. Everyne was so hyped up. Some models even took
pictures with me. Nang humupa iyon, nagsimula na akong magtanggal ng accessories. A
stylist came to me to help kahit pa ang iba't nagpatuloy sa mga pictures at kung
anu-ano pa.
"Everyone is expected to be on the hotel's bar for the after party," a staff
announced.
Nagpatuloy lang ako sa pag-aayos. Kinuha ko ang isang white button down polo dress
na susuotin ko pauwi.
"Okay lang," sabi ko sa stylist nang sinubukan niyang dalhin ang gamit ko. "Ako
na."
The stylist smiled and assisted me with my gown instead. Nagtatawanan at excited pa
ang lahad. Hindi pa nagtatanggal ng damit samantalang ako lang ang nag-aayos na.
Sinundan ako ng stylist sa dressing room. Madalas sa backstage lang kami nag-aayos
kaso pagkatapos ng catwalk, pinahintulutan na ang iilang mga personalidad at
kaibigan sa pagpasok doon para bisitahin ang mga modelo. I can't go on stripping in
front of these people so I had to go to the dressing area for it.
"Ang ganda mo, Miss Amber," hindi na napigilang puna ng stylist pagkatapos kong
magsuot noong damit ko.
"Thank you."
"Puwede pong pa selfie saglit?"
I smiled. "Sure."
We did. Tahimik at mahiyain ang stylist. Matulungin pa kaya medyo magaan naman ang
loob ko sa kanya. Pagkalabas ko sa dressing area nakita kong hindi pa rin nag-aayos
ang mga kasamang modelo. They were a bit tamed now because the whole backstage is
already filled with clients and big people.
Nilingon ako ni Kiara gamit ang isang masamang tingin. Her friends were smiling
evilly at her and some were watching me with cold eyes. Tumikhim ako at nilagpasan
na lang ang grupo. Huli na nang natanto ko kung bakit ganoon na lang ang reaksyon
ng lahat.
Jaxon is standing in front of my dresser, checking out the flowers and gifts on my
table. Madilim ang kanyang titig sa mga note na naroon and his lips protruding
sexily as he mentally read each of it. Nagtatalo ang galit at pagkakalma sa sistema
ko. Of course, I can't let the years of suffering mean nothing so I stayed calm and
collected when I neared him.
Sumulyap siya sa akin, hindi na natinag na nahuli ko siyang pinapakealaman ang mga
regalo ko. Niligpit ko na lang ang mga gamit ko at kalmadong hinayaan siyang
nagpatuloy sa pagbabasa.
"Who's Bronson?" the cold baritone of his voice boomed.
Medyo humupa na ang tilian at kasiyahan kanina kaya dinig na dinig ang tanong na
iyon sa silid. I cleared my throat and glanced at some people who turned to us.
Binalik ko ang tingin ko kay Jaxon na walang pakealam sa paligid.
"I don't know."
Kinuha ko sa kamay niya ang note at mabilis na pinasadahan ng tingin. It's true. I
seriously don't know who Bronson is.
Hi Amber!
You are my long time model-crush. Congrats on your success! I hope you stay in the
country for good. Let's meet soon.
-Bronson
Ibinalik ko sa bulaklak ang note. Jaxon is still watching me closely, waiting for
an explanation. I looked at him calmly and shurgged.
"Maybe just another fan. Ganito lagi sa backstage. Fans with friends from the staff
and clients usually can send gifts and flowers."
Bakit? Hindi ba may modelo kang naging ex? Hindi mo ba nagawa sa kanya iyon? O baka
nga si Kiara iyon, e? Now, I'm wondering why they aren't chatting. Why is he here
with me when Kiara's just around the corner, expecting him.
He read another note again. His brows furrowed and his lips pouted. He was busy and
serious with it that I had a time to watch the people inside the room. The way they
praised him a while ago made me believe na kung nandito siya, pagkakaguluhan siya.
Nagtaka tuloy ako kung paanong ngayon tila tahimik ang lahat, walang nangangahas na
sumingit.
Then my eyes went back to him to realize something. Jaxon Riego in his dark shadowy
aura is intimidating. The confidence in the way he moves screamed success and the
power from it steamed from him. Anyone could also almost mistake his confidence
with disdain kaya nararamdaman ko kung bakit walang nangangahas kahit si Kiara,
kung sino man siya sa buhay ni Jax. I have the same impression of him. Only that I
can't forget about my suffering and back down just because of it so I try hard to
be stronger.
"Kindly please bring all of these to my car, please," utos ko sa isa sa mga staff
para sa mga gamit ko.
"Yes, Ma'am. We will."
"Thank you." I smiled sweetly then looked at Jax again.
Bumaling na siya sa akin, tapos na sa pagbabasa sa mga notes. Nagkatinginan kaming
dalawa. He closed the distance between us without hesitation. Ako pa mismo ang
bahagyang kinabahan at naapektuhan doon.
"Bakit ka nandito?" tahimik kong tanong, tama lang para sa aming dalawa dahil
masyado nang nakikinig ang ibang nasa malapit.
"Ihahatid kita pagkauwi mo," he said smoothly.
"I brought my car so I'm fine. Isa pa, pupunta ako sa after party ni Annie saglit
kaya mauna ka na."
"Pupunta rin ako."
Bumuntong-hininga ako. I didn't like his idea ultimately. Ang sarap-sarap na ngang
makipagtalo but showing any sign of anger and irritation means I'm slowly letting
my own feelings get me. I have to be cool.
"Mauna na ako roon."
Dito ka muna at mukhang hindi lang naman ako ang sadya mo! Hindi ko na isinatinig
ang huli sa parehong dahilan. I don't want to show my feelings like that. Sumulyap
ako kay Kiara at walang pag aalinlangan na umalis sa backstage.
Kinuha ko ang cellphone at mabilis na nagtipa ng mensahe para sa kaibigan.
Ako:
The model you are talking about was Kiara? Iyong kasama ni Jax sa isang party na
dinaluhan mo?
She didn't reply, though. One of her busy days, probably. Dumiretso na ako sa
elevator at nagulat ako na sumunod si Jaxon. I have so many words in mind but I
still didn't say anything. Hindi rin naman siya nagsalita na. Tahimik kaming
pumasok sa loob ng bar kung saan gaganapin ang after party ni Annie Schiffer.
Marami nang tao roon. Some big showbiz personalities and businessmen are already
there. Jax wasn't modest, though. As soon as we stepped in the bar, his hand was
suddenly glued on the small of my back.
I glared at him to prove a point. Kaya lang, parehong mga mata ang iginawad niya sa
akin. His eyes pierced through me defiantly and before I could start my rant, I
stopped my tongue and reminded myself how I shouldn't be too emotional about this.
Dagdagan pa ng mga lumapit na kilala.
"Amber! Oh my! I am so happy for Annie na nakuha ka niya bilang modelo! Gosh! A
Ford model in her show! That's so amazing! I should sign you a contract for my
gowns, too!"
Tumawa ako sa lumapit na designer. "Sure, Ma'am! Just contact my agent, please. We
have to go through the process."
"Of course naman! Sige ha! I would pay so much for you seeing the success here!"
isang hagip sa kasama ko'y nawala agad ang topic sa akin.
"Oh! Engineer Riego! How are you! Nandito ka pala? Akala ko nasa Australia ka pa?"
"Yes. I will be staying for quite a while," sabi ni Jaxon.
"Wait. I'll call my husband! He's a chemist and he finds you remarkable."
Umalis bahagya ang babae para kalabitin ang isang matandang lalaking may kausap
kanina. Mabilis na kumawala ang matanda para lang mapuntahan kami. I took that
opportunity to get out of his hold a bit. Tumindi ang hawak niya sa akin kaya
napabaling ako.
"May kakilala ako sa grupong iyon. I want to go there," I said without hesitation.
He surveyed the group that I pointed. Umigting ang kanyang panga at binaba na ang
kamay niya. Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. Inintindi ko iyon bilang pagpapahintulot
sa aking umalis. Not that he has a hold on me.
"Susunod ako," he said before the designer introduced her husband to him.
Nakawala nga ako. I greeted some of my family friends. Hindi ko nga lang sinasadya
na umalis din doon nang nakita si Annie sa dagat ng mga tao. I went to her to
congratulate her for the success. Nagkaroon kami ng photo op dahil ilalagay niya
raw sa social media accounts. Akala ko roon ako magtatagal pero ipinakilala niya
ako sa isa ulit na malaking designer sa bansa.
"Sayang at busy pala ang schedule mo! Si Annie talaga. I'll see if there is a
chance to reschedule my catwalk. Talaga bang fixed na ang schedule mo ng catwalk
for Annie Schiffer?" she asked me.
"I am not sure about that yet. I have to ask Annie but based on my agent's sched,
your ramp is also on Annie's fashion summit," bigo kong sinabi.
Humalo ang isang pang matandang babae sa amin. They greeted each other curtly.
Beside older woman are some familiar models and one of them is Kiara. Pilit kong
pinigilan ang sarili kong huwag umirap. Nakapagbihis na siya at may bahid ng
sarkasmo ang mukha nang makaharap ako.
"Oh wait! Is that a Riego scion? Kamukha kasi ni Ares," sabi ng designer sabay turo
sa kay Jaxon na palapit na sa amin ngayon.
Mabilis akong kinabahan. Mabuti na lang at may humarang saglit kaya natagalan siya.
"That's Jaxon Riego!"
"Oh, I heard of him! Siya pala 'yan!" sabi noong isang matanda bago tumawa. "Ang
guwapo! Well, these bachelors are really often seen in parties with models, huh?"
"Actually kasama ata ni Amber. Tama ba?" tanong ng designer sa akin.
"Uh..." Nahirapan akong mag explain dun, naunahan tuloy ako ng matanda.
"Talagang naghahanap ng models. Kung sa bagay, Annie's models are all young and
single."
Marahang tumawa si Kiara. Nakuha nito ang atensyon ng designer at ang kasamang
matandang babae.
"Oo nga, e. Halos kami walang sabit. Well, some just deny their state."
"My... what do you mean by that, Kiara?" medyo naeskandalong tanong ng matanda.
Humalukipkip ako dahil tingin ko alam ko kung saan patungo ang usaping ito. I am
stretching my patience so much the whole day, dadagdag pa talaga itong si Kiara.
"Well, iniisip ko lang naman. These big businessmen are so crazy for the models
because they all think everyone is single. May iba pa namang may anak na. It's just
sad to see fine men like Jaxon Riego fall for the lies of some."
The designer slightly caught that shade. Tahimik siyang bumaling sa akin at
mahiyaing ngumiti.
"Really? How cruel those models can be! Sino ba iyang tinutukoy mo, Kiara?" tanong
ng matandang kausap nito.
Yumuko ako at malalim na nag-isip sa mga sinabi niya. Hindi na nga lang ako
nagkaroon ng pagkakataong pag-isipan pa ang lahat dahil binati na ng designer si
Jaxon. Nakalapit na ito. He stood beside me as he greeted the old ladies curtly.
"Hello, hijo! It's nice to finally meet you. I'm a friend of your father,
Achilles," sabi noong matanda. "Matilda, my best friend, she's close to your
father. You know her?"
"Yes, Ma'am. Tita Matilda is a friend to our family," si Jaxon.
"Sorry naalala ko lang siya. Kasasabi lang kasi nitong pamangkin kong si Kiara na
marami daw modelo ngayong manloloko na! Naisip ko lang si Matilda though when she
married her late husband, may anak na siya noon and Teodorico wasn't blind of her
daughter."
Medyo nalilito si Jaxon sa sinabi ng matanda. Tumawa ang designer.
"Ah, Jax. They got an impression that some models these days lie about their
status. Iyon lang naman ang ibig sabihin ni Madame Bev."
Kiara smirked. Nararamdaman kong pakiramdam niya nanalo siya sa kung ano. She was
then so confident that she started talking with the ladies.
"Marami talagang ganoon sa industry. But... everyone's fit so nobody will really
notice."
Masama na ang tingin ng designer sa akin. I gritted my teeth and decided to finally
end this. I have enough interaction for tonight. Uuwi na ako. Magpapaalam lang ako
kay Annie pagkatapos nito.
"Right..." marahan kong sinabi.
Natigil sila at napatingin sa akin.
"Maybe true for some. Hindi ko inakala na medyo malaking bagay pala rito ang
pagkakaroon ng anak habang modelo ka. In the States the highest paid models are
usually Mom of three and so. Hmm. Thanks for the company. Pupuntahan ko lang si
Annie para makapagpaalam na. I am enjoying but I have to go home to my son. He's
waiting for me. Excuse me..."
I smoothly went out of their crowd. I heard Jaxon excusing himself, too. Binilisan
ko ang paglalakad at nahanap agad si Annie katabi ang iilang matatandang lalaki.
Kung ano man ang iniisip nilang hindi ko sinasabi, sana tumigil na sila. I have no
intention to lie about my status. I have let my son stay away from social media.
He's not as exposed as any other modern child but I am definitely not keeping him a
secret. Kahit kay Jaxon. Alam ko rin namang alam niyang may anak ako. Everyone
knows it so I don't get how anyone could think otherwise.
"Annie, thanks for the party but I have to go," medyo naistorbo ko ang katuwaan
nila.
"Oh! Amber! Alright, alright... But first, let me introduce you to the President of
the Philippine Fashion Week. This is Bobbie! He's a huge fan of you! And he's
single!"
"Hi!" The half foreign man held out his hand for me.
Tinanggap ko iyon. I shook it firmly. The way he held my hand and his creepy smile
told me something. Hindi na bago ito pero hindi yata talaga ako nasasanay. I had to
reset my mind before I could proceed to be polite. Nawala ang titig ni Annie sa
akin at lumipat na sa likod ko.
"Hello! Nice to meet you, Sir!"
"Oh... drop the 'Sir'! That's too formal when I am trying to be friendly to you."
Tumawa ako. Ilang salita pa lang, alam ko na kung saan patungo ito.
"I am such a huge fan. In fact, I am crushing on you so much! Ever since you
appeared in CK."
"Whoa! Thank you, Bobbie. That's an honor."
"Did you receive my gift? I handle Harry Winston here and I'm thinking if I could
get you to model it for the country. I want a solo meeting with you on a hotel if
it's possible," the last words garbled a bit when he saw someone snaring an arm
around me.
"W-Well, uh, Bobbie, this is Jaxon Riego here. He's with Amber," si Annie Schiffer.
Nagbago ang timpla ng matanda sa titig niya sa akin. Nahaluan ito ng pagkahilaw at
pagtango na lang. His neatly combed hair was then slightly disheveled for being a
bit distracted about something.
Kinuha ko ang calling card ko at ibinigay na kay Bobbie. Jaxon's arm around me are
too territorial now. Halos nakahawak na sa aking tiyan ang kamay niyang
nakapalupot.
"Here. Just call my agent if you want me for it, Bobbie. I am at my leisure these
days because I'm away from my usual brands."
"A-Alright. I will. I will..." he said politely.
"Thank you. I have to go, though."
Isang beso kay Annie ang iginawad ko. I squeezed Bobbie's arm and smiled at
everyone on their crowd before I left. Jaxon stalked so close behind me and his arm
is still around my waist. May haharang sanang lalaki pero natigil nang nakita ang
ayos namin. I didn't want a scene so I let him do that until we reacher the
elevator alone.
"What are you doing?" tanong ko sabay tanggal sa kamay niyang nasa baywang ko.
I reminded myself again to stop my feelings from coming out of my mouth.
Kinailangan ko pang tumigil ng ilang sandali bago maibalik ang pagkalma. Lumabas
kami sa elevator. He didn't answer me at kahit anong pilit kong hayaan siya, hindi
ko na nagawa. Nilingon ko siya, humalukipkip. Kahit nasa gilid ko na ang sasakyan
ko, hindi pa talaga ako pumasok dahil sa mga tanong ko.
"Ako dapat ang magtatanong sa'yo niyan," mariin niyang sinabi.
"You are trying to stir rumors about us if you keep on holding me like that,"
kalmado kong sinabi.
"That old man seem too interested at ano ang ginawa mo?-"
"He's interested with me because he wants me to become his model."
"We both know that's not the only reason for that. I've noticed how welcoming you
are even to those people who obviously likes you for other reasons!" bahagyang
tumaas ang boses niya.
Nang humakbang siya palapit sa akin, bahagya akong umatras. Doon ko lang natanto na
wala na akong aatrasan pa dahil tumama na ang likod ko sa sasakyan. And he looked
like he's slowly heating up. Although we are alone in that basement parking, hindi
ko kayang nagtatalo kami ng ganito. The way he sneered made my legs tremble.
"This my job. Ganito talaga sa modeling industry-"
"Kahit na halatang gusto kang bastusin, ayos lang?" his voice is clearer and deeper
now.
"Hindi ayos lang. I am just being civil because I don't want to give the man a bad
impression of me."
"Why not if he deserved it? You even gave him your number!"
"I gave him my agent's number," marahan kong sinabi, ayaw sabayan ang iritado at
galit niyang disposisyon.
"That's the same! That only means you're open to whatever he's offering you!"
"I am open for the job."
He closed the distance between us. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagkaputol ng litid niya
dahil sa sagutan namin. Kahit anong hinahon at rahan ng boses ko, hindi ko ta siya
mapapakalma.
"He's still the president of Fashion Week and Harry Winston is a good brand so-"
"So you still want to work with that old fucking man kahit pa babastusin ka? I
would fucking pay for your contract fee just so you'd stop it with that old man!"
Namilog ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya. Lalo pa sa iritasyong nakikita ko sa kanya.
He's so angry I'm sure he'd turn violent anytime. Kinalma ko ang sarili ko at
itinawa na lang ang matinding kaba.
"You're still at it with your accusation of me being charmed by old men, h-huh?"
Bahagyang nanginig ang boses ko nang nasulyapan ang pagkakahawak niya sa bubong ng
aking sasakyan, jailing my body a bit. Hindi ko alam kung nahahalata niya ba ang
matinding takot ko. Mas lalo pa dahil nakikita kong bukod sa galit, wala akong
makitang takot sa kanya dahil sa kalmado kong reaksyon.
"This isn't even about that. You are missing the whole damn point!"
"No," giit ko. "It's still about it. You really think I'm so soft with old men kaya
ko ginawa iyon-"
Umigting ang kanyang panga. Ang ngiting naglalaro sa aking labi kanina at ang
kalmado kong disposisyon ay unti-unti nang napalitan. Still, I tried bad to be
fine. I can't be fine. So I tried hard to look fine.
"Kung tungkol ito roon, sana tinanong na kita kung gaano ka tanda o pasado na ba
ang edad ko sa mga gusto mo."
"What-" Napakurap-kurap ako roon, medyo lito na sa pinag-uusapan natin.
"This isn't about it, Amber! You shouldn't welcome every fucking offer-"
"I need money-"
"How much?!" he cut me off.
Nagulat ako roon. Kinagat ko ang labi ko. He was breathing heavily. I saw his eyes
drifted on my lips. I saw him distracted with what I'm doing so I stopped. Nga
lang, hindi ko napigilan. I licked my lower lip unconsciously and he moved his head
closer. Abot-abot na ang tahip ng puso ko lalo pa nang naramdaman ko na ang hininga
niya.
"Oh..." I said softly. "Right. You can pay now. You're the successful Jaxon Riego.
I'm just doing my usual job, Jax. No harm in that. Ganyan l-lang talaga sa
industriyang ito."
He groaned. "Your job at the expense of being harmed by someone. Hindi ako
papayag."
I sighed and watched him carefully. Inisip ko ang lahat ng mga sinabi niya sa akin
noong nakaraan. The way he laughed mockingly and said how much he moved on. Bakit
ngayon, ganito siya? Kalmadong-kalmado ako sa labas kahit na parang sasabog na ang
puso ko. The way he looked at my lips longingly even when we are having a row
confused me.
"Bakit 'di ka papayag?" I made my voice a bit cheerier to hide my nervousness.
His jaw clenched. His lips parted and his eyes glinted vulnerability. My insides
fluttered at the look of his eyes. My heart leapt and I'm just lucky that I am
trying to let him see a calm and happy disposition. Dahil sa tuwa ko, hindi ko na
kailangang magkunwari.
"Nagseselos ka?" tanong ko.
I heard him curse under his breath. He continued staring at my lips longingly.
"I thought you've moved on? That you're not the same crazy man for m-me. Hmm?"
magaan kong sinabi pero sa huling salita, nanginig pa rin ang boses ko.
I have many words for him but I stopped myself. Pakiramdam ko, mas lalo lang
nginginig ang boses ko kapag nagpatuloy. Hindi ko na mapapanindigan ang magaan kong
ipinapakitang estado.
He forcefully closed the distance between our faces. Napasandal ang ulo ko sa kotse
at ang mga kamay ko dumikit na sa kanyang dibdib para pigilan siya sa gustong
mangyari but it was too weak to stop him.
He crouched to gently seal my lips with a kiss. He sucked on it for a moment and
stopped to breathe heavily. I did the same. Nawala ang pinipilit kong kalma kanina
dahil sa marahang halik na iyon. He delved his lips again for another deeper kiss.
I pushed him with both my palms but it wasn't enough. Dumiin na ang ulo at batok ko
sa kotse dahil sa mariin niyang halik. He angled his head for a better access and
without stopping he claimed the corners of my mouth. His flavor spread within me. I
shuddered when I felt him suck on my lips, mimicking a primitive move.
Nakaliliyo ang halik niya. Para akong nasasaktan sa bawat tama ng labi niya. Para
akong ibinabalik sa dating damdamin. His kisses are stripping all my built walls
away effortlessly. Kaya lang, bago pa ako mawala sa sarili, nagkaroon ako ng lakas
na maalala kung ano talaga ang ipinunta ko rito. Hindi para alalahanin ang dati.
Hindi para ibalik iyon. Lalong hindi para mahalin ulit si Jax.
"Stop it," I said and pushed him softly.
He stopped. He's breathing heavily. Ganoon din ako pero mas grabe siya. His neck
reddened and his lips throbbed. Pilit kong inayos ang sarili ko. Ni hindi ko siya
matingnan ng mabuti dahil sa libu-libong sensasyong naramdaman at pinipilit na
patayin.
"Why are you this way? Didn't you say you've moved on."
He licked his lower lip and looked away. He didn't want to answer that question
pero pakiramdam ko, alam ko ang sagot. Kumunot ang noo niya at ang mga mata, muling
bumaling sa aking labi, sabik na sabik pa rin.
I pushed his chest away from me again.
"Wala na tayo. Wala akong intensyon o plano para sa'yo o para sa atin. I just want
forgiveness from you dahil kahit paano, w-we shared an unforgettable history. I've
moved on. I hope you didn't lie when you said you already did, too."
"I lied," napapaos niyang sinabi.
Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Kinailangan ko pang ibaba ang kamay ko
nang sa ganoon ay hindi niya maramdaman ang biglang pangangatog nito.
"That's too bad, Jax. I've moved on for real. Maghanap ka na lang ng iba. We can be
friends... besides, we have a history that we need some revisiting. That's all that
I want from us."
His jaw clenched again. Hindi siya makatingin sa akin. Bigung-bigo siyang bagsak
ang titig. When Nang itinulak ko siyang muli, walang kahirap-hirap siyang napaatras
na parang walang lakas.
"Sorry. Uuwi na ako. Gaya ng sabi ko, may naghihintay sa akin," sabi ko at pumasok
na sa sasakyan.
Gaya ng madalas niyang ginagawa, hinatid niya pa rin ako sa tower. He sped up his
Jaguar when I turned to the basement parking. Niyakap ko ang manibela pagkatapos
magpark at ilang saglit na ipinalo ang ulo roon ng ilang beses.
Para akong mababaliw! Hindi ko alam paano ko nasabi ng kalmado ang mga salitang
iyon kahit pa nangangatog na ako at halos mabuwal na roon. And that kiss!
Hinawakan ko ang labi kong hanggang ngayon nanlalambot pa rin. I forgot how he is
when he kissed! I couldn't even recall it pero ngayon ko lang natanto na ang sarap
sarap niyang humalik! Para akong sinisilaban tuwing naaalala ko. The way his tongue
twirled and mated with mine. The way he sucked on me, teasing me, and giving me hot
thoughts!
Kalahating minuto siguro akong nanatiling nakapikit at malalim ang iniisip doon.
Gusto ko ng kausap. I want to call Phillie but I didn't because I know her too
much. Hindi ko pa siya tinatawagan, alam ko na ang speculations niya sa
nararamdaman kong ito.
"Ilang taon ka na kasing tigang kaya gustong-gusto mo 'yon!"
"Ang sarap kasi ni Papa Jax, e. Kahit anong gawin mo, nagugustuhan mo pa rin."
"Sarap sarap kasing humalik, e. Ba't mo pinakawalan iyon?"
I don't need to call her!
Speaking of calling... Jax didn't text me now if he's home. The last time, he did!
Kahit pa hindi ako nagreply!
Inangat ko ang ulo ko at kinumpirma na tatlumpong limang minuto na ang nakakaraan
simula noong nakarating ako rito sa basement. Wala pang text galing sa kanya! I
know I told him to move on so he might not text me anymore but... I am just
worried!
Okay! I'm just worried!
Ako:
Are you home now?
A loud shiiiiit screamed in my thoughts after that was sent! Parang mali pa yata
ang ginawa ko! Hindi ko alam alin ang mali! Hindi. Tama lang iyon! I need to be
grounded! Ayokong magsimula ulit sa mga iniisip para lang makumbinsi ang sarili na
tama lahat ng mga desisyon ko!
My phone beeped and I felt like the time stopped.
Jaxon:
Not yet. I'll be home later.
Another loud fucking shiiiit screamed in my mind. Nanginginig akong magtipa,
bahagyang iritado sa reaksyon niya.
Ako:
Bakit? Nasaan ka pa? Hindi ka pa uuwi?
With your models? With girls? With your girlfriend?
Hey, Amber! You just told him to move on because you already did! Tumuwid ako sa
pagkakatayo at supladang inirapan ang sarili. Kinalma ko ang sarili ko at inabala
na lang sa pamamagitan ng pag-aayos.
I then imagined him in a bar, sad and drinking. I then imagine some pretty girl.
Binigyan ko ng mukha ni Kiara para mas lalong nakakainis. I imagined her hit on him
and the sad Jaxon kissed her. Nagbaga agad ako sa galit. Pilit kong inalala muli na
ayos lang iyon. He needs to move on but I can't seem to calm down anymore.
Ako:
Are you drinking? Went to a bar?
Jaxon:
Uuwi na.
Ako:
Bakit? Saan ka pala sana pupunta?
Jaxon:
Nakauwi na.
Pumikit ako ng mariin. Pakiramdam ko ilang araw na lang, totohanang mababaliw na
ako.

[ 29 Kabanata27 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 27
Friends
It was a long night for me. Doon pa lang, mas lalo na akong natakot sa epekto nito
sa akin. I vowed to myself that I will never experience this again and I am here
now feeling this way. I comforted myself with thoughts that it's all temporary.
Whatever it is that I am feeling now are just remnants of my strong feelings
before.
Sa huli, inisip ko ang anak ko. I am doing this for him. I should start talking to
him about it and see if he's ready. Kaya naman bago ako tumulak sa shoot, kinausap
ko muna si Jacques. I am done with my breakfast and went to his room to wake him
up. Nalaman ko kay Nikolai na matagal daw itong natulog kagabi dahil nalibang sa
Playstation kasama ang mga anak ni Klaudio.
Kumakain ng breakfast si Mommy at Nikolai sa dining area. I heard Mom's rants bout
the new releases of Fendi and Versace. Sinasabayan naman ito ni Nikolai. He's
expert in fashion so they click so well.
When I opened the door to Jacques' room, nagising ko na siya. With tired sleepy
eyes, he tried his best to get up. Naupo ako sa tabi ng kanyang kama at niyakap
siya.
"Good morning! Are you leaving already?" he said in a weary voice.
I smiled and kissed his nape. I pulled him down so he could lay again. Hinayaan
niya naman ako sa ginawa.
"I have a shoot so I'm leaving early. I couldn't wait for you to wake up so I'm
here."
He laid in bed again kaya tumabi na lang ako, yakap pa rin siya. He really looks
tired. Nagtaas siya ng kilay at pagilid akong tiningnan. He blinked twice in a slow
manner before he commented.
"What time will you come home?"
"I don't know. Medyo matagal ang shoot. This is for the brand I originally applied
the first time we got here so it's a bit important to me. Want me to buy anything
for you?"
He shook his head. "Lola bought so many things for me."
Itinuro ni Jacques ang napakaraming patung-patong na mga paperbag galing sa NBA
Store, Adidas, Guess, and many more. Suminghap ako nang naisip ulit ang pagwawaldas
ni Mommy. I should start claiming my fees or I'll go poor here. Ano kayang talent
ni Mommy na puwede niyang pagkakitaan para naman kahit paano magpapasok siya ng
pera sa accounts namin?
"Don't start getting angry at grandma! She just wants the best for me," banta ni
Jacques sa akin.
I was taken aback by his prediction. Tumawa ako at niyakap ulit ang anak.
"I won't. I just don't want her spending so much when we have enough. You still
have many clothes, Jacques. We have money but it's limited so we can't just spend
recklessly."
"I can't wait to grow more. I'll work and earn so you won't think about that," he
said nonchalantly.
Ngumiti ako pero agad ding napalitan iyon ng pait. I don't want you to grow up,
baby. I want you this way forever. I brushed his hair with my fingers and realized
something. Sinong bata ba ang mag-iisip ng ganoon sa murang edad na ito? I am
wondering if I talk too much about our lack of funds that all he thinks about is
working to help. O... talaga bang ganito na siya?
"You don't have to work. We just have to be frugal."
"No. If I can work, I will," he insisted with no explanations.
Natulala ako ng ilang saglit bago siya niyakap at hinalikan sa pisngi. I sighed
heavily. He let me cuddle on him without complain. Tahimik kami ng ilang sandali
bago ko sinimulan ang tunay na sadya rito.
"Jacques, I have something to tell you."
Hindi siya kumibo kaya umayos ako at nagkatinginan kami. Kinabahan ako bigla. His
no reaction felt like he knew what I was up to. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin saglit bago
nagpatuloy.
"I've met with your father," sabi ko at pinagmasdan ang reaksyon niya.
He couldn't keep a pokerface anymore. His eyes widened and his lips parted. Ramdam
ko ang pagpipigil niya pero hindi na nakayanan ang pagkamangha.
"He doesn't know that you're here. Kakausapin ko pa siya at naghahanap pa ako ng
tamang panahon."
Unti-unting napawi ang gulat niya. His lips are now in a grim line and he looked
away. Kinabahan ako lalo.
"Where is he? Where does he live? Is it near?"
"I don't really know. I never asked him yet but I'll find out soon. I'll do my best
to finally tell him about you."
Hindi ulit siya kumibo. Gusto kong malaman kung ano ang nararamdaman niya. Ngunit
hindi ko na kailangang magtanong pa dahil nang nag-angat siya ng tingin at nakitaan
ko ng kislap ng luha sa mga mata, parang pinupunit agad ang puso ko.
"Will you be patient? It won't be easy for all of us."
"Where did you meet him?"
Nagtama ang tingin naming dalawa. He looked so serious.
"Uh... At work."
"You're going to work now. Are you gonna meet him there?"
Umiling ako at ngumiti. "Nope. He doesn't work in field. He's a chemical engineer-"
"Chemical Engineer," he mimicked, kitang-kita ang pananabik sa anak ko.
"He works for a known brand of consumer goods."
"I thought he's in the oil refinery."
Nagulat ako roon. Hindi ko na maalala kung kailan ko sinagot iyan sa kanya. He was
then nursery, I think. How could he remember that?
"Y-Yes, he is, too. From what I've heard, he's also working for a pharmaceutical
company. That's a company for research and manufacture of medicines."
"Marami po siyang trabaho?"
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. "From what I understand, he's just investing his money on
the oil refinery now. Like what Lolo did back in the days."
Jacques nodded. "When are you going to see each other again? Y-You should text him.
Often!"
Natawa ako sa sinabi ni Jacques. I wanted to explain to him what I'm feeling but I
think that's too much. I know he'll understand whatever my decision will be.
"B-But... if you don't like that. It's okay. I just want to meet him. Know him,"
bawi niya siguro dahil nakita ang dumaang ekspresyon sa aking mukha kanina.
Tumango ako. "Thank you, Jacques. Yes. You'll meet and know him."
He smiled hopefully at that. I smiled back at him.
I realized that if I wanted him to meet his father, dapat alam na ni Jacques ngayon
na nagkikita na kami ni Jaxon. Gusto kong ihanda niya rin ang sarili niya. Kahit pa
alam kong matagal na siyang sabik, iba pa rin na masabihan siya ng ganoon bago ko
pa sila ipapakilala.
I parked my car in front of the same building the last time. Iniligid ko ang mga
mata ko sa parking lot at walang nakitang Jaguar doon. I cleared my throat and
started going inside the building. The staff greeted me and lead me to the same
floor and same place.
Una kong tiningnan ang mock counter at nakitang walang taong naroroon.
"Hi, Amber! Kumusta!" Tamara Lopez greeted me and started the whole introduction
about her expectations for the shoot that day.
Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko habang sumusulyap sa cellphone na wala namang mensahe.
Pinilit ko na lang na makinig sa mga sinabi sa akin at isapuso iyon para hindi na
sila mabigyan ng sakit sa ulo.
We started the make up. May behind the scenes shoot pa. Pagkatapos noon, wardrobe
naman. Dahil nakapili na sa simula pa lang, hindi na naging mahirap ang mga sumunod
na gagawin. Dumating na rin ang tatlong modelo na naroon sa magiging TV ad. Habang
inaayusan sila, nagsimula na ang photoshoot ko para sa produkto.
The staff were very busy. Every now and then, may dadating at may aalis kaya lagi
akong distracted. I look at the doorway to see who came. Sometimes, I realize may
umalis lang pala kaya tumunog ang pintuan.
"Wait lang. May aayusin lang ako sa bandang buhok!" deklara ni Miss Tamara sabay
lapit sa akin para ayusan ako.
Nagkatinginan kami. She smirked. I took that opportunity to glance at the doorway.
"You know... may pamangkin ako. Maganda rin siya. Can pass for a model but it's
just not her thing. Before she got married, she received many proposals from men or
suitors. Kaya hindi ko maimagine kung gaano karami ng sa'yo lalo na dahil modelo ka
at maraming kilala."
I smiled at her. She called for the staff's powder and she did my face.
"Wala naman po."
"Oh you're too humble. Medyo maalam ako sa kalakaran sa industriyang ito.
International models receive gifts and offers from big fishes abroad. Be it
indecent proposals or whatever."
"Well, it's not part of our job but it comes with it. Kailangan tanggapin kung ito
ang gusto mong field. You just have to learn how to go around it," sagot ko.
"You're right. That's sad but it's the truth."
Nagkatinginan kami. She surveyed me before she declared that I'm ready again.
Natapos ang paunang shoot. The photographers were pleased by the shots. I'm very
happy and comfortable kaya kuntento rin ako sa nangyari. Mag la-luncbreak lang
saglit at mag-aayos din ako para sa TV ad na ishu-shoot mamaya. The ad will be
shown on Australia and all the Asian countries. It will be subtitled or dubbed for
those who are non-english speakers.
Pagkatapos kong kumain, inayusan na ulit ako. Panay pa rin ang sulyap ko sa
malayong pintuan. It was already like a mannerism for me and it sucks. I just can't
help it. Ngumisi si Miss Tamara sa huling baling ko sa pintuan. Iniwan kami ng
make-up artist dahil kumain muna ito habang siya naman ang nag-ayos ng damit ko.
"Waiting for someone?"
Napatalon ako sa tanong niya. Unti-unti kong tinanggap iyon. Obvious naman na
kanina niya pa nahahalata ang kilos ko. Hindi ko rin naman kasi maitago.
"No," itinawa ko na lang ang pagkakaila ko.
She laughed, too. "You know, I don't intend to be nosy but it's all over the
industry. Mabilis ang balita lalo na't madalas pala kayong makita nitong nakaraan.
My boss is hitting on you, huh?"
Ngumuso ako at tumitig sa magandang Creative Director ko. She's a petite lady with
a cute face. I suddenly wonder if she's related to Philomena? But if she's married,
that means her husband is the Lopez. Something about her makes me so comfortable.
"No," I denied it again. It's half true now.
She smiled. "Natatawa lang ako kasi naisip ko last time, he never goes to shoots.
Even skips the assemblies sometimes. He's a very busy man. You know I thought he
got his success from his family name but I've read an article about him dragging
himself from the gutter before he got his success. Amazing. Mahirap pala siya noon.
Matalino at masipag lang kaya umangat."
Naalala ko ang nakaraan niya. He was a simple fisherman back then. He had high
ambitions for himself. Nang nabigyan ng pagkakataong umayos ang buhay, sinunggaban
niya agad ang oportunidad. He left me then but the young and immature Amber didn't
like it. I never knew that how opportunities like that mean... especially for him.
He didn't wanna lose me so he chose me and left his work.
Nakakahiyang isipin iyon. But that was now in the far past.
"But he's not here now so..." medyo mapait kong dinugtong.
"Yeah. Actually naghanda kami na nandito siya ngayon. Akala ko rin. Baka bukas,
'no? Busy lang ngayon."
Pagod akong nag-angat ng tingin. "Wala rin 'yon bukas. Hindi na 'yon bibisita sa
shoots ko."
Her brows shot up with a subtle shock expression. She then combed my hair a bit
nang nakitang may magulo sa kabilang side. Then she put on some mild spray to hold
the look.
"Catwalks na lang?"
"Hindi na rin."
Nagkatinginan kami ni Miss Tamara sa salamin. Nagtaas siya ng kilay.
"Binasted mo?" basag niya sa katahimikan naming dalawa.
Suminghap lang ako at sa isang tinginan, napatango na lang si Miss Tamara. Hindi na
kailangang kumpirmahin sa salita dahil nakuha niya agad.
"Mas mahirap sigurong pumili ng partner kung may icoconsider ka ring feelings ng
anak? Hmm. Plus... some men just won't understand those things. Lalo pa sa gaya ni
Engineer na bachelor at 30 years old? Or is he thirty one? I don't know. Men like
that won't understand responsibilities. Baka matakot lang."
"Ayoko rin talagang magkaroon ng lovelife. I've learned my lesson. That's not meant
for me. It's bad for me."
"Ah. Natakot na nang magmahal."
Tipid akong ngumiti at tumango na lang.
Sa sinabing iyon ni Miss Tamara, mas lalo pa akong naliwanagan. Yes, I told Jaxon
that I'm not interested because I have moved on. Pero naisip ko rin ang nasabi ni
Miss Tamara sa kasuluk-sulukan ng isipan ko. Alam niyang may anak ako. He didn't
know that Jacques is our child. Any man his caliber can find a fine single woman.
He doesn't have to settle for a single mom like me.
Mabuti na lang din. Wala akong planong mag-asawa. Wala akong planong magmahal. Ayaw
ko na noon. I've seen what love can do to me and it's horrifying. Maghanap na nga
lang siya talaga ng iba.
Dumating na ulit ang iilang staff. Miss Tamara nodded at me and started orienting
them about the next shoot. Tahimik ko namang pinagmasdan ang sarili sa salamin,
pinapagaan ang medyo bumigat na loob.
So we started with the shooting of the TV Ad. I had five takes. I got it in three
but for safe shots and other angle, we did another two. Nagpahinga muna ako habang
pinagmamasdan ang tatlong modelo na shinushoot din ang sa kanila. They were all
nervous and tensed. I have some tips but given their prejudice of me, I didn't want
to sound cocky. Tutal, mukhang bibigyan din naman sila ng tips ng director.
Tahimik akong umuupo sa mock kitchen counter, medyo pagod na. The staff were tired,
too. Pinaglaruan ko na lang ang cellphone ko nang nakita ang reply ni Phillie
pagkatapos sa isang text ko kahapon.
Phillie:
Sino ba 'yang Kiara na 'yan? Hindi naman 'yata. Magtatanong ako. I'll tell you
after my research. I just know she's a famous model.
Phillie:
I saw Papa Jax on Hyatt pa alis ako ng hotel this morning. He was with a woman.
Breakfast ata?
Ako:
Tagal mong nagreply ah. Busy?
Like I care about her second text.
Phillie:
Yes! OMG! Nameet ko 'yong crush ko kahapon! We had dinner then after nag club kami.
He's a very good kisser. Oh my!
Ako:
Hay naku. Make sure he hands you over his medical certificate. Make sure he's
clean.
Nakakalibang ang usapan namin pero hindi ako makangiti. Nag-angat ako ng tingin
nang may napansing pumasok sa hall. I saw Jax enter the room. He's wearing a dark
blue longsleeves, dark maong pants, and brown shoes. His dark wavy hair was combed
neatly. Nagtama ang tingin namin at uminit ang pisngi ko. He glided towards the
hall and some staff were startled at his appearance.
Habang pinagmamasdan siyang palapit, natanto ko pa lalo kung bakit noon, hindi ko
maamin na guwapo siya. I then liked boys like Harper who were paper white fair,
angelic with an air of badass, vain. Kaya sa unang pagkakataong naisip ko ang anyo
ni Jaxon, he never got me. He was beautiful in a wild and dangerous way - something
that's out of my comfortzone. He had deep manly features, the forehead, the
straight nose, the chiseled jaw, high cheekbones, and thin grim lips. He was tall
and golden tanned. Sa madaling salita magaspang siya sa lahat ng sulok. Ni mata
niya, walang halong kalambutan kundi lupit lamang. He was an unconventional beauty
for me. I'd look like a lost little girl beside him if we were together.
Nararamdaman ko na ganoon din yata ang tingin ng staff niya sa kanya. Lalo pa nang
nakita kong medyo nataranta na rin si Miss Tamara. She glanced at me. We both
looked at each other with straight face but in the end, her lips curved for a
smirk.
The models were more nervous than ever. Jax's slow lazy glide to the room made them
stutter. Alam kong siya ang dahilan dahil hindi nakalampas sa akin ang sulyap sa
kanya ng mga iyon habang kinukunan ng video.
Tumuwid ako sa pagkakaupo at binaba na lang ang cellphone. Lalo pa dahil sa huling
tingin ko, nakatitig na si Jaxon sa akin at palapit na rin sa kinaroroonan ko. Nang
nakalapit na, naamoy ko ang mamahaling panlalaking pabango. Bitterness dripped like
acid within me but I strongly stopped it.
Itinuko niya ang bisig sa counter top in front of me. Even when sitting on a high
chair, he's still taller than me. Napatingin ako sa kanya. My heart boomed when I
saw him looking at my chest. Malamlam na mga mata ang tumitig sa aking dibdib at sa
isang galaw, inayos niya ang roba kong suot dahil hindi ko namalayang nahulog ang
kabila sa aking balikat, revealing my silky dress.
Inayos ko rin iyon nang napansin kung ano ang ginagawa niya. It made me more
uncomfortable when I saw some staff eyeing us despite the buzz of their work.
"Are you done?"
We were far from them so even if we talked normally, nobody would hear us. Kahit pa
titigan nila kami. Lalo pa dahil maingay ang shoot.
"No. There's a shoot after that," hindi ako makatingin sa kanya.
I shuddered. Tumayo ang balahibo ko sa batok sa tunog pa lang ng sagot ko. I don't
know why.
"I had a casual meeting this morning so..." he explained and moved a bit closer to
me.
Hindi ako kumibo. Masyado na akong kinakain ng kaba ko. He moved closer until his
body touched my chair. An idea played on my mind but I didn't want to assume or
anything. Nga lang habang ganito siya, hindi iyon matatanggal sa isipan ko.
"Are you hungry?" he asked.
Umiling ako at sinulyapan siya. Kahit na iba na ang tanong niya, hindi pa rin
maalis sa isipan ko ang naunang sinabi niya at ang sinabi ni Phillie. Casual
meeting with a woman sounds like casual sex last night.
Sabi niya hindi pa raw siya umuwi kagabi, 'di ba? Tapos biglang nakauwi na pala!
Baka nagsisinungaling siya? He probably picked his woman somewhere whatever!
Nakakagalit! Nahahighblood ako. I can imagine a dark urn opening. My dark soul is
coming out as the angel Amber is trying to shut it with bare hands!
"Saan ka pala dapat pumunta kagabi bago ako nagtext? Sana tumuloy ka na lang.
Nagtanong lang naman ako dahil ayokong... may kung anong mangyari," hirap na hirap
akong pakalmahin ang boses.
"Just a pub on the first floor of my condo's tower."
At doon naghihintay ang babae. I'm pushing back my dark soul down the urn now. I'm
trying to seal it with a clay pot's cover.
"I wanted a drink but I decided to have it at home, instead," he explained.
Ngumuso ako. Wala nang sinabi pa. Ayaw nang bisitahin ang breakfast dahil lalakas
lalo ang madilim kong kaluluwa. But then my sneaky dark soul played a trick that
stunned the angel for a moment.
"And you were with a woman for breakfast this morning, huh?"
Sumakit ang puso ko sa gulat sa sarili kong sinabi. Parang may natapong malamig na
tubig sa likod ko. I dared to look at him. I saw his brow shot up and his lips
twisted to hide a sensual smile.
"How did you know I was with Laurel?" he said with an amused tone.
"Hindi ako nagtanong. Kinwento lang ni Phillie sa akin. Iyong kaibigan ko. Nadaanan
niya ata kayo."
I glanced at him again. Now he looks so amused. He kind of resemble the way he
looked on the catwalk when I rolled my eyes at him. His dark and unreadable aura is
spreading around him.
"Why are you here, anyway? Hindi ka naman kailangan dito. You're making your staff
nervous with your appearance," winala ko ang usapan.
"I'm courting a model," he said smoothly.
I rolled my eyes slowly bago binalingan ang mga shinushoot na models ngayon.
Patapos na sila pero hindi na tuluyang bumaon sa isipan ko iyon dahil sa usapan
namin. I have a slight hunch about what he's talking about but I don't want to
appear too assuming. Isa pa... ayaw ko naman talaga.
"Which one?"
Nakatitig ako sa mga modelo ngayon. Akala ko may isasagot siya pero hindi siya
kumibo. I turned to him to see any reaction but he was just smirking dangerously at
me. His piercing eyes shot at me mysteriously. My mouth dried but still I continued
my show. The darkness escaping the cursed urn.
"Basta ako, I told you I've moved on. I have no interest to be in a relationship
since I have other priorities."
"Uh-hmm..." he murmurred huskily.
"Saan diyan ang gusto mong model?" Binawi ko na lang sa tanong na ito.
He chuckled sexily. Hindi ko na siya nilingon.
"Which one?" I probed more.
"This one," bulong niya.
His hot breath tickled my ear. Kinagat ko ang labi ko at ibinalik na lang ang
tingin sa counter top, bahagyang naiinis sa kanya. Sa gilid ng mga mata ko,
nakikita ko ang sobrang lapit niya. He even tilted his head just so I could get a
glimpse of him.
"I said I'm not interested. Maybe Laurel is," I said bitterly.
Hindi ulit siya kumibo. Hindi ko tuloy napigilan ang pagtingin ulit sa kanya. His
lips twitched and his eyes were now bloodshot with amusement.
"Laurel is an executive secretary. She's turning fifty two this year."
Nagtagal ang tinginan namin. Huli na nang natanto kong ang dami kong nasabi. Though
at least all were casual. Hindi halatang may problema ako sa mga ginagawa niya.
"E-Excuse me, Engineer. Sorry for interrupting, Amber. But, uh, we need her for
some shots," si Miss Tamara lang ang nangahas na sabihin 'yon sa kalagitnaan ng
tinginan namin ni Jax.
Jax licked his lower lip and leered towards Miss Tamara. "It's okay. She's ready."
"Thank you, Sir!"
Uminit ang pisngi ko pagkababa sa upuan. Mabilis akong naglakad patungo sa kanila.
When I turned, I saw Jaxon watching me with so much amusement. He's trying to be
serious, though. Nilapitan ako ni Miss Tamara para mag powder ng konti. Then she
sneaked in a whisper.
"Persistent, ha? Kahit basted, nandito pa rin."
I gritted my teeth to get a hold of my self. I look relaxed on the outside but
inside I am damn panicking! Lalo pa dahil nanood siya sa mga huling shots ko. He
was even on the monitor. Pinakealaman pa ng konti ang mga staff.
I will be safe as long as I remind him that I'm not interested with relationships.
Titigil din siya. Eventually he will decide that we can be friends, instead. And
that will be my happiest moment! For sure!

[ 30 Kabanata28 ]
-------------------------------
Kabanata 28
Crack
It remained that way for the next shoots under Uni. Jaxon's busy in the morning and
afternoon weekdays, kaya patapos na kami siya madalas bumisita. I always insist to
go home early and even with a shadowed look and gritted teeth he never disagreed
until the day before the break.
"Let's have dinner," he said.
Maaga kaming natapos at maaga rin siya roon. It's still four in the afternoon but I
will again insist that I need to go home.
Tatlong araw na tuloy-tuloy na shoots ang ginawa bago nagkaroon ng break. However,
I already dedicated that day in finally looking for any unit around para makalipat
na kami ni Jacques kung sakali.
"I can't," I said.
And like his usual reaction, his lips are in a grim line and jaw clenched as he
struggled for reason.
"It's just a restaurant near your condo. We won't be gone long. Just an hour," he
said huskily.
Nilingon ko siya at diretsahang sinabi ang mga salita sa takot na magbago pa ang
isipan ko. "I have an important dinner with someone."
It was true, though. Importante naman kasi talaga ang pag-uusapan namin ni Nikolai.
Kailangan na naming makahanap ng condo.
Tahimik kaming pumasok ni Nikolai sa isang maganda namang tower sa Taguig. He told
me that there was a cheap three-bedroom unit in that nice condo but it's a bit
pricey so I wanted to take a look at it, kung sulit ba ang babayaran ko kung
sakali.
Maayos naman ang condo na iyon. The space was maximized properly yet it's one of
those units that I'm sure Mommy won't like. The overall condo is grand and known
for being extravagant. But the unit Nikolai is offering me is the smallest among
their offers kaya kung ikukumpara sa nakasanayan, maliit nga iyon.
"Mommy might stay in your condo if I buy this," sabi ko pagkalabas namin ni Nikolai
sa unit na tinitingnan ko.
"It's fine with me. In fact, it's fine with me if you stayed with her."
Pagod kong nginitian si Nikolai.
"You know, I know what you're up to. Bakit papayag ka ng rent free kaming
magtatagal sa iyo."
He laughed. "Aside from my reason, Amber. Napamahal na rin si Jacques sa akin. Pati
ikaw."
Nagkatinginan kami. I eyed him ridiculously. This arrangement of ours had caused so
many rumors and I don't think I can handle it anymore. Lumalaki na si Jacques at
hindi kalaunan, kapag may narinig siya, he would think that way. Ayaw kong mangyari
iyon.
We both stepped on the elevator. Suminghap ako at humarap kay Nikolai. The man in
his sixties still looked handsome. Even with the enough white hair. He even looks
manly, kung hindi ko lang alam kung ano talaga siya.
"Before we go home, we should try a good restaurant on their first floor, Amber.
Maybe you'll close this deal, finally."
Sumang-ayon naman ako roon. I stared at a poster inside the elevator but before I
could make out the logo and the words below it, nakarating na kami sa tamang
palapag.
"Let's go," Nikolai said politely and guided me towards the hallway.
I'm used to him being a gentleman. Siguro dahil na rin sa nasanay kami sa US na
wala naman masyadong usisero, naging natural sa akin ang marahang pagkakahawak niya
sa aking siko para igiya ako sa isang maganda nga na restaurant.
It's an italian restaurant decorated with smoked hardwood and dimmed lights. I like
the ambience pero naiisip ko ang mga mabilisang kain namin ni Jacques kung sakaling
kukunin ko nga ang condo na ito. Though outside there were many cheaper fastfood
chains and other cheaper restaurants so this must be okay.
The waitress handed me the menu. Namili na ako roon at binaba na iyon pagkatapos.
Matagal nakapamili si Nikolai dahil medyo nag-iba ang lifestyle niya simula noong
nagkaedad lalo. He's vegan so he had to explain whatever he wanted.
Nakatitig ako sa likod ng menu ni Nikolai at nakita ang parehong logo na nakita ko
kanina sa poster. I stopped and narrowed my eyes when I finally read it.
VHRV Holdings.
Masayang pinaalis ni Nikolai ang waitress pagkatapos naexplain ang kakainin niya
samantalang naeestatwa na ako sa kaba nang may natanto.
"What's wrong?" Nikolai asked when he saw my expression.
Ang mga na nagtatayugang tower na ito rito sa parteng ito ay pag-aari ng VHRV!
Those are the Riegos and if he is truly related with them. Hindi kaya? Impossible!
Sa lahat ng araw ba o panahon, magkikita pa kami rito?
Slowly, I turned my head around to survey the whole restaurant. Before I could
finish it, tumayo na si Nikolai nang may nakitang dalawang matatangkad na lalaki.
The man who first gave a glance at me was dark and tall. His eyes were very defined
and even when he leered at me, he managed a friendly smile. The other one looked
colder behind him. Nang tiningnan ako parang namamaratang ng kung ano.
"Raoul. Zamiel!" si Nikolai na tumayo para batiin ang dalawa.
"Good evening," the first man said and glanced darkly at me.
My heart is pounding. Their auras were very like Jaxon's. Nang nakitang hindi naman
si Jaxon iyon, para akong nabunutan ng tinik. My heart slowed down. Napainom ako ng
tubig.
"I thought you're in a vacation?" Nikolai said.
"I was. May importanteng ginawa lang kaya nandito."
"Is Felicia and Soleil with you?"
Umiling ito. "Susunod lang ang asawa ko by the end of the week."
"By the way this is Amber," si Nikolai na akala ko hindi na ako ipapakilala dahil
may nakitang mga guwapo.
The first man held out his hand. My heart pounded again for some reason.
"Zamiel," the other one offered his hand too but with a colder expression.
"Pasensya na sa istorbo. We shall go to our table."
"Sure! Sure! Nice to see you here," Nikolai said.
Pagkaalis ng dalawa sa harap namin, I quickly snapped at Nikolai.
"You didn't tell me! Is this a Riego property?"
Ngumuso siya at halatang nag-iisip pa ng idadahilan. "Well, iyong kanila lang kasi
ang maganda rito. My other offer is also their property. In fact, Raoul... one of
the two men who I just introduced you is a Riego."
Sinapo ko ang noo ko at tuluyan nang tinapos ang pag-asa sa isipan ko.
"That should be fine. Tutal sabi mo naman, wala kang planong mag-asawa kaya a Riego
property shouldn't mean anything to you."
"Ayoko na, Nikolai. Let's just go home. Let's pay and leave!" giit ko at tumayo na
pagkatapos sikupin ang mga gamit.
Pagkapulot ko sa cellphone ko, may mensahe nang naroon galing kay Jaxon. I then
realized that these Riegos are close to each other. Nilingon ko ang dalawang lalaki
na nasa lamesa na nila. The Riego had his back on me and the cold one is staring at
me.
Jaxon:
He's your important dinner, huh.
Ilang saglit kong tinitigan iyon, naghahanap ng palusot. Nakaalis na kami ni
Nikolai roon at nasa sasakyan na, nag-iisip pa rin ako ng sasabihin. Sa huli,
naisip ko... why would I explain to him. I said I don't want him anymore. I don't
want to be in a relationship. So if Nikolai is my important dinner, I don't have
any obligation to explain myself to anyone. Lalo na sa kanya.
After that fiasco in a Riego property last night. Ako na mismo ang naghanap
kinabukasan ng sariling condo unit. I contacted a broker and then my financial
adviser. Kaya lang, halos maibuga ko ang iniinom na kape sa nakitang mga
withdrawals sa accounts.
Mommy is in her room leisurely dressing up for whatever she's up to for today.
Nikolai in front of me is busy with his calls. Sa namimilog na mga mata,
pinagmasdan kong muli ang accounts ko ng paulit-ulit. When Nikolai finished his
calls, I looked at him with a bit of accusation, hindi na alam kung ano ang gagawin
sa nakikita ko.
"What have you been up to, Nikolai?!" medyo tumaas ang boses ko roon, hindi na
napigilan.
Kunot-noo niya akong tinitigan. "What do you mean?" he said, confused.
"Where the hell did she spend the two million dollars?" I exploded.
Nanginginig ang kamay kong nakahawak si iPad, kung saan ko chineck ang funds ko
galing sa financial adviser. Inipon ko ang perang iyon sa loob ng ilang taong
pagtatrabaho kasama na rin ang perang iniwan ni Daddy sa amin!
Ang laki-laking butas ng ginawa ni Mommy sa pera ko ngayon. The remaining balance
is not even a fourth of what she'd just lose!
Nikolai looked up of the ceiling, nag-iisip sa kung saan iyon ginasta ni Mommy.
While I was waiting for his answer, trembling, Mommy went out of her room and
started walking towards us.
Tumayo ako sa kinauupuan at hinarap siya. She's dressed to kill but I might as well
kill her now.
"What did you do, Mommy?"
She was confused for a moment so I told her what I'm bursting about.
"Where did you spend our money? Two million, really, Mommy?! Baka nakakalimutan
mong nasa Pilipinas tayo at wala akong gaanong offer dito na malaki! Though even if
we are in the States, I won't let you spend this much!"
Hilaw na ngumiti si Mommy. Halatang nilalambing ako pero hindi uubra iyon sa
ngayon. Here I am stopping myself from immediately buying a condo unit. Here she is
spending two million in just a blink!
"Do you even look at my funds? Alam mo ba kung magkano na lang ang naiwan?" I said
frustratingly.
"Sorry, darling. I can't help it. N-Naaalala mo ba iyong painting sa ancestral
house ng Daddy mo?"
Nakikinig ako pero sa totoo lang, wala akong pakealam sa ano man ang sabihin niya.
Walang magiging magandang rason para magwaldas ng ganoon kalaking pera! We are not
the same Sevillas before when my Dad was still alive. We are broke and I am trying
to fix it. Lalo pa nang nalaman ko ng buo kung saan niya pinanggastos iyon.
"Well, the Italian painter went here to auction his painting. It's a twin of the
one your Dad bought some years ago. It was actually five million US dollars so I
think nakamura ako sa binili kong-"
"What the hell? Nakamura? Really? Well, Daddy can afford that back in the days!
Mommy, ngayon, wala na tayong pera. The money you're spending now is from my hard
work! Hindi ako nagrereklamo kung bibili ka ng Givenchy, Christian Dior, Chanel,
whatever haute couture you want pero ito! Mommy naman! That's too much! And for a
painting, really?!"
"It was a pair of that painting, Amber. Maganda tingnan kapag pinagsama ang
dalawa."
Pumikit ako at sinapo na lang ang noo. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko ngayon.
I love her so much but my idea of buying a condo for us just crumbled! Nagsisi
tuloy ako bakit 'di na lang ako bumili agad weeks ago when we got here!
Naupo ako at tahimik na ininternalize ang lahat ng ito. Magrerent na lang siguro
muna kami ni Jacques. Should I cut Mommy's funds? She should earn! Hindi iyong
ganito! But if I cut her funds, would she work? I guess not! Baka pa ibenta niya
ang mga ari-arian namin! Her net worth is still high because of our real properties
so if I cut her funds, she might turn to that!
"Sorry, darling... I-I know it wasn't a nice decision. I just thought you still
have a million left? W-Wala na ba?"
"Why don't you pawn your diamond watches and your jewels?" I tested her.
"N-No!" mabilis niyang sinabi.
Hinilot ko ang sentido ko. Hindi pa rin yata nagsisink in sa akin ang nangyari. I
lost that amount! For a painting! And with a Mom who don't have any remorse about
it!
"Not my jewels, Amber. Well, I-I'll... hmm..."
"The painting is nice, Amber. It's enigmatic!" si Nikolai na isa pang hindi
nakakatulong kay Mommy.
"I wanna buy a condo para sa amin ni Jacques. Ngayon, paano ako bibili kung
ganito?"
"Huwag ka nang bumili," Nikolai's logic.
"Oo nga, anak. Nikolai's property is enough. This is already nice for us."
I glared at Mommy who looked a bit guilty now.
"Auction that painting again! We don't need that! Palamuti lang 'yan sa bahay.
Bukod pa diyan, we will have to tighten the security around Dad's ancestral mansion
because of a million dollar painting! Mommy naman!" I said frustratingly.
"M-Maghahanap ako ng paraan, okay? Stop stressing about that. I'll... see if I an
do something, okay?"
"Do something? What? Get a job? Do business? Why don't you just tell Tito Remus you
wanna handle his new hotel?"
Kahit na alam ko namang ang pera niya diyan, hindi magiging sapat para bayaran ang
kung ano mang butas na nilagay niya sa account ko! But at least she won't depend on
me for whatever she wants to buy!
"S-Sige... I-I'll find a way. Okay? And... I'll pay for the painting," she said.
"How?" iritado kong tanong.
"I don't know. Basta, I will-"
"And don't start selling Dad's properties! I will know!"
"Of course not!" she said bewildered with my prediction. "I will never do that!
Pawning things and selling real properties will mean we're broke and that's social
suicide. I'll find a way..."
She sashayed in front of me silkily habang patuloy ang iritasyon sa titig ko sa
kanya. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala sa ginawa niya. Mas lalo tuloy akong
nagkaproblema!
"By the way, do you know that Snow will arrive today?" nakangiting sinabi ni Mommy.
Hindi ako kumibo. Nanatili lang ang malamig kong titig sa kanya.
"Don't worry much about money, dear. It will always come back one way or another,"
sabay halik sa aking noo bago kinalabit si Nikolai para sa pag-alis nila.
Sa madaling salita, inubos ko ang break ko sa kakaisip sa mga paraan paano masalba
ang sarili sa pagkakalunod na ito. I want to cut Mom's accounts and give her her
own with only little money. Kailangan ko ring tingnan ang painting na sinasabi niya
at paigtingin lalo ang security ng... why the hell am I so problematic while my Mom
is just sashaying her Hermes in every social gathering!
The next shoot days were more challenging. I had a shoot in a tub full of water and
bubbles. Mas nagiging kritikal ang team at ang director. Akala ko hindi na pupunta
si Jaxon dahil sa iritasyon sa akin sa naging dinner ko kay Nikolai, but he was
there after the shoots. Though he was always serious and a bit busy thinking about
the outcome of the whole project.
"I have an important launching tomorrow so I won't be here for your shoot. You will
meet with Snow tomorrow, right? I want a dinner with you before that," he said
coldly.
Although I am always happy with the timing, totoo rin namang hindi ko sinasadya ang
lahat ng ito. Unfortunately, I can't say yes again to his offer. Snow told me that
we will meet in a superclub in Taguig. Dinner sana iyon kaso mayroong nagyayaya sa
mga kasama niya na mag bar kaya nagbago. That was why I agreed to Harper and
Phillie that I will be with them for dinner! Ako pa mismo ang nagyaya at katitext
ko lang sa dalawa! Phillie was already too happy about it and Harper didn't say yes
yet.
"I-I'll meet someone else for dinner."
His eyes narrowed. "That old man again?"
"Hindi, Jax. Basta..." tanging nasabi ko habang nagliligpit ng gamit.
He was always hovering near me after shoots. Nasanay na ang lahat at ako rin,
ganoon. Kahit pa noong nakaraan halos hindi niya ako kausapin.
"Then... I'll pick you up after your dinner."
"I will bring my car," rason ko. "No need to pick me up."
May sasabihin pa sana siya pero natigil nang tumunog ang cellphone ko. We both
looked down on my phone. Nasa lamesa ito, tumutunog habang ang pangalan ni Harper
ang umiilaw.
Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko. His jaw clenched. Nagtama ang mga mata naming dalawa.
"Excuse me. I'll take this call," napapaos kong sinabi at umalis na sa harapan
niya.
Kumalabog ang puso ko at pumikit ng mariin. I am sensing so much guilt and fear in
me. This is what I really don't want. This is what I am scared of.
"Hello, Harper?"
I am scared of what I'm feeling. I am scared of it so much that I want to run away
from it.
"Bakit tayo mag ba-bar pagkatapos? Puwede namang sa kung saan tayo magdinner, mag
wine na lang?"
"H-Harper, kasi... I will meet Snow and we agreed it to be in the superclub.
Phillie wants it, too. May problema ba?"
"Alam mo naman kung anong nangyayari sa inyo kapag lasing, 'di ba?"
"Hindi naman ako maglalasing."
"Eh, 'yong kaibigan mo? Ano?"
I couldn't see anything beyond it. Masyado akong ukupado sa naiisip ko. I really
need to stop. I need to stop.
"I'll talk to Phillie. Hindi iyon maglalasing. She wants this, too, though."
Harper only sighed. Sa huli, sumang-ayon na siya at nagpaalam. Binaba ko ang
cellphone at nilingon si Jaxon. He looked at me with ice cold eyes. I walked slowly
towards him. I can almost hear him gritting his teeth before finally breaking the
silence between us.
"You will be with him for dinner tomorrow?"
Tumango ako. His features darkened.
Hindi ko alam bakit guilty ako. Kahit noong nakaraan kay Nikolai naman, guilty rin
ako. I shouldn't be guilty! So what, right? So what if he will get jealous about
it? Bakit ako apektado roon! Hindi dapat! Hindi puwede!
My own frustration drove me mad. I didn't like the way I am feeling. It was a like
a threat for something dangerous so I fired defensively.
"Huwag mo akong pagbawalan. Wala kang karapatan sa akin at wala akong planong
bigyan ka ng karapatan."
I threw those like daggers. Matagal nang natanto kong masakit pala iyon. Wala rin
naman siyang sinabi at hinayaan niya lang akong umalis para sa araw na iyon.
Hindi nga lang naging maganda ang epekto noon kahit sa akin. Friday morning and all
my shots were bland. Everyone was happy but I wasn't. Every shot I did were basic
and it couldn't pass through my own standards of shots.
"Ayos ka lang?" Miss Tamara asked after we wrapped up early for another end of a
series.
Tumango ako. "Ayos lang, po."
Hindi nagparamdam si Jaxon sa akin pagkatapos ng usapan namin kahapon. I shouldn't
worry because that how it should be. His courtship for me shouldn't even happen. I
shouldn't let it, actually. At itong reaksyon ko ngayon sa nangyayari ang mismong
dahilan kung bakit hindi.
I love obsessively. My greed and evil inside that urn was kept there sleeping for
years and here I am trying to guard it down just so it won't come out today.
Tahimik tuloy ako sa dinner naming tatlo ni Harper at Phillie. Kung hindi nagtatalo
ang dalawa, baka kanina pa tahimik din ang aming lamesa.
"I reserved us a seat on the VIP. Hinanap ko ang seat ng Riegos at tinabi ko ang
atin," anunsyo ni Phillie. "Para naman malapit lang kayo ni Snow, Amber."
Tumango ako, wala pa rin sa sarili.
"Riegos?" si Harper.
"Oo! Andoon nga kasi si Snow, 'di ba? Paulit-ulit ka! Eh, Riego 'yong napangasawa
noon kaya kasama niya rin mga Riego."
"Riego? Isn't that the father of..." Nilingon ako ni Harper.
"Yes! I'm excited! Makikita ko ulit si Papa Jax ng malapitan!"
Phillie was gushing about it the whole time. Meanwhile, my heart feels like it's
going to explain. Para akong nakalutang sa dagat habang pumapasok sa Superclub.
Wala na akong imik kahit na ang dalawang kasama ko, talagang nag-iingay na sa
pagtatalo sa kahit pinakamaliit na bagay.
I felt like the blood on my face drained when I saw their VIP table in a U shaped
couch. Naroon nga silang lahat. I even saw Raoul, the man Nikolai, introduced me to
in the group. Mabilis kong iniligid ang mga mata ko sa grupo nila at agad natantong
wala roon si Jax.
Tumayo si Snow. She didn't change at all. Matagal na panahon kaming hindi nagkita
pero ang tingin ko sa kanya, ganoon pa rin. Bukod sa height at pagkakaroon ng
konting laman, wala na ata akong ibang nakitang nagbago sa itsura niya.
"Amber!" Snow said happily and hugged me.
She kissed me, too. Muli kong pinasadahan ang grupo niya. The girl beside Raoul
stood up and another one from across the table came to me for a kiss. Nagulat ako
nang nakita kung sino iyon. Palakaibigang ngiti ang ibinigay sa akin ni Eury
Hidalgo pagkatapos ng halik.
"Hi! Did you receive my flowers back in Annie Schiffer's catwalk? Though, for sure
marami kang bulaklak noon. Hindi mo na napansin ang bulaklak na bigay ko."
"No. Actually, nakita ko nga. I was... I was overwhelmed. I mean you're Eury!"
Tumawa siya at tinuro ang tahimik na babaeng lumapit. "This is Soleil. That one is
Zari." Itinuro ni Eury ang isang socialite na nanatiling nakaupo sa gitna ni Raoul
at isa pang lalaki. She waved at me and smiled.
"Amber, si Eury asawa ni Vincent Hidalgo. You know him?" sabi ni Snow sabay pakita
sa isang lalaking binalikan ni Eury.
His hand was immediately on her hip. Eury smiled proudly at me.
"Yeah. He's the son of the famous Architect Adler. Iyong gumawa ng mansion namin sa
Batangas."
Nagtagal ang tingin ko sa lalaki. Hindi ko naman kilala ang itsura pero alam ko
agad sa pangalan pa lang. Snow moved to the next and showed Raoul. Raoul waved
darkly and smirked.
"We've met," he said.
"Raj Riego. Asawa niya si Soleil," sabi ni Snow sabay tingin ko sa magandang babae
sa tabi nito na tipid ngumiti.
I smiled.
"Then, Zari... asawa ni Rad."
Rad Riego looked familiar. I think I somehow saw him in social gatherings back when
I was small. I'm not sure. Though, if he's husband of Zari, he should be in social
gatherings.
"Then this my husband."
Natauhan ako roon at binalingan ang asawa ni Snow. I know him as Percival Archer
Riego, Jax's brother. They looked the same only that his hair is shorter than
Jax's. Tumayo ito, ngumiti, at naglahad ng kamay sa akin.
"A-Amber," I stammered as it sinked in my head that he really is his brother!
"Nice to meet you," he said in a low baritone.
Tumawa si Snow at nilingon ang mga kasama ko. She smiled at Phillie and Harper.
Then she turned back to me and made me sit on the edge of their couch.
"Kumusta? Sorry for the place of our meeting. Sana next time, sa mas pormal naman
na place. Hindi lang talaga ako makapaghintay na magkita tayo. Kaya first night out
namin, gusto ko agad nandito ka. It's been years! You've grown so much, Amber!" she
said as she inspected me.
"I'm fine. Okay lang. I owe my friends a night out too so I invited them. Pasensya
na. It's not every night that I can go out right away."
"I know..." sabay tawa ni Snow. "Hirap no kapag may anak na? How's... your son?
Sorry pero si Tita kasi talaga. She's very, very secretive! My gosh! The news of
Tito Dencio's death didn't even come from her! Kung hindi lang naikuwento ng Mommy
ni Brenna, I wouldn't know!"
"Yeah. Uhm... I know. Actually, I should be blamed, too. I never contacted you or
even Tita Athena."
"No, it's okay. It had been so hard for you. I can only imagine. Buntis ka. Namatay
si Tito Dencio. Tumigilid din ang mga ari-arian n'yo. Well, at least that's what I
heard when Garri told me."
"Yeah. It's been hard for us the past years..."
Sumulyap ako sa nakikinig na mga lalaki. The girls were already chatting silently
with each other but the Riego men were a bit to keen with whatever I'm saying.
Hindi pa kasali na maingay sa buong bar kaya nasisiguro kong hindi na ako rinig ni
Vincent o ni Raoul.
"Yes, I am sure. W-Well..." Medyo kumunot ang noo ni Snow. "I'm just glad that you
have, uh... Nikolai dela Vega with you. I mean..."
Tumawa ako. "Yeah. Nikolai's been a big help to us. Even his family."
Tumango si Now pero kita ko sa mga mata niya ang pag-aalinlangan sa kung ano.
"You know, I actually really thought..." Tumawa ulit si Snow. "For years that you
married him. Kasi si Tita. I remember her giving me an invitation to your wedding.
I couldn't go that time because I was pregnant but I saw the pictures of the
ceremony attended by his sons. Sorry, Amber, pero nagdivorce ba kayo o hindi talaga
kayo nagpakasal? I'm confused."
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. I saw Sibal pull Snow's shoulder. It made her lean on him a
bit. His face touched my cousin's hair. I was sure he whispered something.
"Uh. H-Hindi kami nagpakasal ni Nikolai. We're just friends until now."
"Sorry for being so nosy. Anyway. You wanna order something?" she said and called
the waiter.
I ordered a cocktail for me. Hindi naman kasi talaga ako mahilig maglasing. Kahit
pa noong gustong-gusto ko iyang gawin dahil sa perang binutas ni Mommy sa accounts
namin, hindi ko pa rin nagawa. Our next topics were lighter. It was about Lolo's
birthday party and how grand it is.
Medyo naguilty pa ako dahil naiwan ko na ng tuluyan si Harper at si Phillie sa
lamesa kaya nagpaalam muna ako. I think it's a bad idea to have them here while
Snow is here.
"Sorry," sabi ko sa dalawa.
"Hay naku! This feels like another night out with just me and Harper! I'm not
complaining about your catch up with Snow but you should arrange us again another
night out, Amber!" si Phillie.
"Philomena, alam mo namang mahirap, 'di ba? Jacques is waiting for me."
"Well. For sure you can snatch a bit of your time next month!" si Phillie habang
nilalagok ang isa pang shot.
Harper got it out of her hand. Ayaw ni Phillie iyon kaya nanlaban siya at binawi
ang inumin. However Harper was stronger so he did it with force.
"Ano ba? Ang OA naman!" reklamo ni Phillie at tinulak si Harper.
Harper didn't expect that dahilan ng pagkakagulat niya roon. Mas lalo silang
nagtalong dalawa. They have arguments that were very petty. Sa gitna pa ng
pagtatalo kumakaway na naman si Snow at tinuro-turo niya ang isang champagne at
ipinakita ang baso. Tumango ako at naghanap ng tiempo na makaalis sa dalawang aso
at pusa.
I went to Snow's couch again. We enjoyed the champagne. I laughed with them. Kung
hindi lang nag-angat ng tingin si Raoul at Vincent sa taas, hindi ko rin malalaman
o makikita kung ano ang tinitingnan nila sa pangalawang palapag ng superclub.
Jaxon was above us in a veranda with girls. He was particularly in front of a
pretty and a bit foreign girl. She's wearing a white dress and her eyes were fixed
on Jaxon. Nanatili rin ang mata ko roon. Isang beses lang na sumulyap si Jax sa
amin bago niya sinagot ng kung ano ang babae sabay tawa. The girl leaned closer on
him to whisper something and Jax listened.
Hindi ako makapaniwala. My insides well up with cold liquid. Halos hindi ko nababa
ang tingin ko hanggang sa nagsalita si Snow.
"I heard you have quite a history with my brother in law," she giggled.
Hindi ako nakasagot sa sinabi niya. Binaba ko ang baso sa lamesa at sumulyap ulit
sa itaas. Ganoon pa rin ang itsura ni Jaxon.
"But of course, for sure, you're fine now. Ilang taon na rin naman, 'di ba?"
"Y-Yeah," pilit kong sinabi.
"Good! Ako kasi ang nagreto sa kanya kay Canary. You know her? She's also an
international model-socialite. Hindi nga lang masyadong active na sa modeling like
you. She's busy with humanitarian activities."
"Ah..."
Sumulyap-sulyap si Snow sa lamesa namin. Kinalabit niya ako at tinuro ang mga
kasama kong si Harper at Phillie. Phillie was busy nodding at me as she pointed up
secretly. Kumunot ang noo ko. Ayaw ko pa sanang magpaalam kay Snow kasi may
sinasabi itong si Phillie, e.
"S-Sorry. I'll just come back here. Wait lang," mapait kong sinabi.
I went to our couch again and Phillie was almost screaming on my ear.
"Iyan 'yong babae na nakita kong ka date niya! I forgot her name but I know she's a
socialite, too. She's very known in Brunei!"
In a snap, I felt the urn open. I did not look back at Phillie when I made a turn
back to Snow, my cousin, who sold Jaxon to someone else. Hindi ako makangiti nang
nagharap kami ni Snow.
"Ano daw sabi ni Philomena?" she said in a friendly way.
"Wala naman. Uh..."
Wala akong maidugtong. Tiningnan ko ang inuming nakalahad sa lamesa at kumuha ako
ng isa... dalawa...
"Whoa!" Snow clapped proudly.
Iniisip kong kaya ko nang ngumiti pagkatapos uminom ng ganoon pero mali ako.
Nanatili ang lamig sa titig ko kay Snow. I know then why I hated being involved
most especially with Jaxon Riego.
"Anyway..." mukhang may importanteng sasabihin si Snow. She got distracted when the
men on our table laughed as they all looked at whoever is above us.
I glared at it. Naputol lang ang titig ko nang nagpatuloy si Snow.
"May naririnig nga akong pinopormahan ka nitong si Jax, e."
Nataranta ako roon. Mapait akong ngumiti at dumugtong. "Uh... I'm not willing for a
relationship. I'm not... uh..." Damn it! I'm lost for words!
Snow nodded. "I understand. Mahirap nga naman talaga sa posisyon mo, 'no? Buti na
lang din at ganyan ang mindset mo. I just hope hindi totoo na pinopormahan ka niya
kasi ayaw mo naman pala. Pero sa bagay... hindi nga yata. Cuz look..."
Napatingin ulit kami sa itaas. Another girl came into picture. The girl talked to
Jaxon but Canary said something humorous. His eyes drifted on us and the laugh
faded. Umatras siya ng konti pero huli na ang lahat. Binagsak ko ang tingin ko kay
Snow.
"Gosh! They look good together! Hirap ipartner ni Jax, sa kahit kanino. He should
be partnered with someone feminine and classy. Some girls just won't work for
someone very masculine as him..."
As much as I try bad to keep myself out of him, I couldn't. I said that my feelings
for him are obsessive, dark, and extreme. These things are so out of my character
and it's ugly. Iyon ang itinatago ko. Iyon ang pinoprotektahan ko. Kaya lang...
"Sa lahat ng nireto namin ni Sibal, iyan lang yata ang nagustuhan niya."
The deadly urn cracked. It cracked and cracked until darkness came out as big as
there ever was before. And the angel Amber ran...

[ 31 Kabanata29 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 29
Asleep
I don't know what was it about that day. Is it my family and financial problems, my
anger, or everything piled up little by little. Naging malabo ang pandinig ko sa
lahat ng mga sinabi pa ni Snow. She was smiling with whatever topic it was all
about but distracted with her friend who came to our table.
I took that opportunity to swiftly get out of their crowd and in trembling knees, I
went straight for the grand carpetted staircase. Kahit pa may iilang gustong
makipag-usap at mga taong kakilala ko ang tumawag, I acted as if I didn't hear a
thing just so I could climb up the next floor to where Jaxon is. My mind is going
blank.
Maraming tao sa pangalawang palapag. I was greeted with a large wall of mirror that
reflected my look for tonight. I am wearing a black and lightly printed short
sweetheart dress with a Valentino strapped and studded sandals.
"Hi, Amber! Long time no see. Remember me? Jim..." a man in a blue striped dared to
say.
Dahil hindi ako interesado, hindi na ako nag-abala pang lumingon sa kanya nang
biglaan siyang natabunan ng iilan pang mga tao. He was calling me but I left him,
concentrating on my walk towards the railings where I first saw Jaxon.
I gritted my teeth when I realized that he was not there anymore. The model he was
with, Canary is it, was there with the girl that crowded them a while ago. Nag-
aalab ang mga mata ko nang tinitigan ang pag-uusap ng dalawa. Mas lalo pa nang
napansin ang madalas na pasada noong modelo sa karamihan, tila may hinanap at
mukhang alam ko kung sino.
Darkness consumed me more. It was like a wildfire eating up my sanity. Nag-uunahan
ang mga hinanakit sa utak ko habang naglalakad patungo sa karamihan, may hinahanap.
I know the rules of relationships. Kahit pa may anak kami, hindi ko siya boyfriend
at wala akong karapatang pangunahan siya sa kahit ano. I told him that I didn't
want him around me or pursuing me. Everything was sensible, alright. But I my
darkness isn't really known for being sensible. It's famous for being impulsive,
angry, bitter, aggressive, and insane. This is why I kept it so well for years.
Nagpupuyos ang damdamin ko. Mas lalo pang bumilis ang paghinga ko sa iritasyon nang
nakitang wala rin si Jax sa grupo na tinititigan noong modelo kanina.
My anger doubled when I thought of him leaving this place to get cozy with someone!
How dare him! How dare him say that he wants me! How dare him pursue me every day
even after I told him I didn't want him! How dare him show up today with someone
else!
How fucking dare him?
It was an ugly and raw feeling. Para akong mananampal ng kung sino mang biglaang
haharang sa akin kahit pa gustong magpakilala o kahit pa kakilala na. Pray that
nobody would stop me from my fast walk towards the corners of this place. My
erratic breathing is now very visible. Sa pagkakahagip ng tingin ko sa sarili sa
malaking salamin, kitang-kita ko ang pagkakadepina ng collarbones at dibdib dahil
sa mabibilis na angat ng paghinga.
I don't care if it's not sensible to be mad at him even when I'm not his
girlfriend! I don't fucking care if he tells me na binasted ko na naman siya kaya
ba't ako magagalit? Ba't ako magagalit? Fuck you! I have all the fucking right! If
there is a woman who can hold you, Jaxon Riego, in her fingers, then that's me! You
are at my fucking mercy so don't you fucking dare!
Init na init na ang mukha ko at maging ang mga braso ko. There were men who called
but it was very hard to catch up to my swift walking.
I swerved to the left when I confirmed that he wasn't on another crowd. Each
passing second, I am boiling a bit hotter. Dumiretso ako sa railing at pinasadahan
ng tingin ang sumasayaw nga mga tao sa baba. Naglakad ako pabalik sa kung nasaan
iyong babae niya. Nakita kong wala na iyon doon, kahit ang nakasama nito. I glared
back at the crowd and saw her there with the girl she's with. Ang kausap niyang
lalaki, nakatitig sa akin. He even raised a glass at me. Umamba itong lalapit.
Nagtiim-bagang ako, tinatanggap na ang pagkabigong mahanap si Jax. For the last
time, I surveyed the first floor's dancefloor. Mas mabilis kasing makita kung
galing dito ka manonood kesa sa susugurin ko siya sa baba at isa-isa kong titingnan
kung sino ang sumasayaw. In a heavy and angry sigh, I turned and accepted that I
won't see him here. I turned to gave a last look to his model girl but instead of
seeing their crowd, iba ang nakita ko.
His brow shot up and his playful eyes were directed at me. His lips twisted in an
obvious attempt to hide a smile. At first, isang kamay niya pa lang ang nakahawak
sa railing. His right hand was glued on the railing just near the small of my back.
Parang bulkang sasabog ang galit ko pero nang nakita siyang halos tabunan lahat ng
tanawin ko, napaatras ako ako ng konti. My back bumped into the railings and then
he crouched so our eyes would level, making his other hand hold on to the railing,
locking me in place.
My knees wobbled but I made sure I didn't look weak. The unmistakable arrogance in
his eyes made me more defiant, breaking every little broken pieces of the urn that
kept my dark soul for years.
Somehow, it made me angrier when I felt like a little candy thief caught by the
police officer. It didn't help that I probably look guilty. My anger made my eyes
well up with angry tears. At nasisiguro kong hindi iyon ang ipinapakita kundi ang
mga mata lang na galit dahil nahuli siya. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa katawan ko. His
lips twitched and twisted. When his eyes drifted on mine again, he then pouted.
"Looking for someone?" he said in a low husky voice.
Without thinking twice, I blurt out something that would save my ego.
"I'm looking for a hook up. Kaya puwedeng tumabi ka. You're blocking my view," I
spat icily.
His head tilted. I saw his jaw move dramatically slow as his eyes thre dagger looks
at me. His gripped on the railing tightened. I saw his veins protruded a bit as he
closed the little distance between us. His frustrated image was so satisfying but
my darkness did not even lift a finger with the words I just fired.
"Is that so..."
"Yes, it is so... Care to move, Jaxon?" iritado kong sinabi, ayaw siyang hawakan
dahil nanggigigil na ako.
"Well, guess what? You're not allowed."
Parang kinakalabit ang kadiliman ko sa sinabi niya. It echoed in my mind until I
erupted! How dare you tell me that, you arrogant bastard! Kung kanina, nabawasan
ang momentum ko dahil hindi ko siya agad nakita, well now he really knows how to
make me so high with it again, huh!
"Really?" I glared at him, prepared to fire.
He only looked at me with the same angry eyes, not fazed with whatever darkness I'm
giving him. It was a massive volcano eruption in all continents for me. Hindi ako
kailanman nanggigil sa galit ng ganito. Hindi ko na maalala kung naging ganito ba
ako kagalit noon kahit noong naging kami. Kahit pa kay Mommy, hindi ko naramdaman
ang matinding poot na ito. It scared me but there was no way out as of the moment.
"You have no right to tell me what I should do! Why don't you mind your fucking
business!"
I saw his eyes dilate a bit with my profanity.
"Tutal kanina ka pa naman may kasama rito!"
"I was alone when I went here-"
"Shut up!" I screeched.
Hindi na ako mapakali sa iritasyon at tindi ng galit. Para akong sinisilaban habang
siya, kalmadong kalmado sa harapan ko, naninimbang sa akin.
"I saw you and I know the girl you're with! Canary, is it? Nireto ni Snow, 'di ba?
Ano? Maganda ba? Masaya ba, Jax?" tuloy-tuloy kong sinabi habang titig na titig
siya sa akin. "Iyan ba ang napili mo sa lahat ng nireto nila? You were supported by
your brother and cousins. Then go for it! Stop wasting your time here in front of
me! Go to your girl now-"
"I have no girlfriend-"
"E 'di sa fubu mo or whatever you call your whore!"
Mas lalong kumunot ang noo niya. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa labi ko habang tuloy-
tuloy pa rin ang sinasabi ko.
"Leave me alone cuz I wanna find mine, too! Doon ka na!"
Sinubukan kong makawala. Inakala ko pang makakawala talaga ako pero parang spring
na napabalik ako sa kinatatayuan ko kanina. He didn't even move an inch for me.
"What the hell! I told you! Go to your girl! What the hell are you waiting for!"
"Is that how you want it now? Hook ups?" malalim ang gamit na boses niya. He
completely ignored whatever I told him about his girl.
Uminit ang pisngi ko sa galit at iba pang damdamin. My unwilling eyes drifted on
his lips when he licked in a somehow outrageously hot and bothering manner. Pilit
kong binalik ang mga mata ko sa mata niya at pinroseso ang huling sinabi. I will
not be fazed by his looks or his actions!
"Why? Do you wanna hook up with me? Tired of that girl. Paulit-ulit ba? O..." I
smirked evilly. "May hindi ka makalimutan?"
He stared at me seriously. The pain in his eyes fed me with more confidence and
anger. Ngayong nakikita kong may reaksyon siya, mas lalo ko siyang inatake sa
parteng iyon.
"Can't forget of our lazy afternoon on that beach? I didn't even give you some
action yet because it was my first time, Jax..." marahan kong sinabi, hitting him
where it hurts the most.
His grip on the railing grew tighter at mas lalo pag lumapit sa akin. The intensity
of his gaze and our distance is suffocating me. Imbes na mas asarin pa siya,
nahihirapan tuloy akong panatilihin ang confidence na nabuo ko.
"You're thinking now that I have experience, I can do better than that. Paano pa
kaya 'no? Kung 'di mo na nga ako makalimutan when I was then your little submissive
eighteen. Paano pa ngayon? So you wanna hook up with me for that. To see what
changed?"
Nag-iwas siya ng tingin. His jaw clenched. Mas nadepina pa lalo dahil sa anino ng
lumatag na stubble sa panga.
"You want it, Jax?" asar ko para tuluyan na siyang manghina at umatras.
Umangat ang tingin niya sa akin. His bloodshot eyes glared at me with unsaid
violence. Bumaba ulit ang mata niya sa aking labi bago siya nagsalita.
"If you were courting me for it, and not mocking me, basted ka rin sa kin."
Natahimik ako roon. My breathing slowed down in a dramatic way. Parang unti-unting
namuo ulit ang galit ko.
"I'm not up for a hook up. I want a serious relationship with you."
You damn bastard! How could my heart leap for those ugly lies!
"Well, kung ayaw mo. Let me fucking go," nanginig ang boses ko.
"I'll take your hook up offer, then. In one condition."
You've got to be kidding me. I am not serious with my offer to him. Ang bastos
bastos ng lalaking ito! Hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin nagbabago! I know he's a
notorious playboy before we got into a relationship. Kaya nga ang dali sa aking
hindi magtiwala sa lahat ng sinabi niya, e. Cuz I know his history! I have friends
who were playboys but something about Jax told me that he just isn't the usual
modern day playboy. He fucks mercilessly and make girls fall so hard in love. He's
got that kind of vibe and that's more ruthless and dangerous than all my playboy
friends.
"And what is it?"
"I wanna meet your son," he said.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Sabay-sabay lahat ng nararamdaman ko pero hindi isa roon
ang takot. Galit. Galit. At galit lamang iyon. How dare he speaks about my son in
this kind of situation! How dare he speaks the name of my son just minutes after he
spoke with that girl! How dare him!
"Para saan pa?!" mas grabeng sigaw iyon.
Hindi siya nagsalita. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin. Kitang-kita ko ang sakit, bigo,
frustration sa kanyang itsura pero balewala iyon sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. I have
become insensitive with anyone's feelings. I only thought of mine and I know it's
okay because it's about Jacques!
"How dare you mention my son here! Umalis ka nga sa harapan ko!"
I pushed him. He budged a bit but he stayed that way. His piercing eyes turned to
me again, bloodshot and heavy with pain.
"If you want a casual relationship, I want a serious one. Ipakilala mo ako sa anak
mo."
Namamangha ako sa galit habang tinititigan siya. Seryoso ba siya sa sinasabi niya!
"Walang kinalaman ang anak ko rito," mariin kong sinabi.
"You asked me what condition I'd want so we could hook up. I'm telling you I want
to meet your son."
"For what?" nanghihina kong sinabi.
Hindi siya nagsalita. His lips parted. Bumagsak ang mga mata niya sa sahig at tila
ilang beses na inayos ang sarili.
"What were your conditions with your other girls so you'd hook up? Or maybe...
maybe this isn't your first time to hook up with someone who has a kid, Jax?"
Hindi pa rin siya nagsalita. Nanatili ang ayos niya.
"Whatever it is, huwag mong idamay ang anak ko. Pumunta ka na roon sa nireto ni
Snow. Tutal, kumportable ka naman sa babaeng 'yon dahil ilang beses na kayong
magkadate, 'di ba?"
He remained weak.
"Let me fucking go now and stop talking about Jacques like you're interested with
him. You're only interested with hectic sexlife-"
His eyes narrowed and drifted on me. Tuloy-tuloy ang sinabi ko pero sa huli natanto
ko kung ano ang nagawa ko. O ano ang nakakuha ng atensyon niya. At this moment,
wala na akong pakealam. The evil claimed the throne and there is ultimate darkness
in my head.
"What's his name?" he demanded.
"Jacques!" I said.
His eyes remained narrowed. Tinulak ko siya at bahagya na siyang napaatras ngayon.
"Yes, you fucking bastard! Mambabae ka roon ng maraming-marami hanggang sa malaman
ng anak mo ang ginagawa mo!"
Nakawala ako! He was caught completely off guard that he weakened so much. I got
out of his arms and managed a few steps when I went back to that position dahil sa
paghigit niya sa braso ko.
"Don't you fuck with me. What did you say?" he said in a chilly voice.
Nilingon ko siya. Parang kumalat ang lamig sa aking damdamin nang narealize kung
ano ang sinabi ko. Pilit kong sinabi sa sarili ko na hindi ko naman inililihim sa
kanya kaya ayos lang na nasabi ko iyon pero bakit parang guilty ako. Lalo pa dahil
sa titig niya.
"Bitiwan mo ako at uuwi na ako!" tanging panlaban ko.
His jaw clenched repeatedly. "Anong 'yong sinabi mo, Amber!"
"Yes! I told you! So let me go or I'll tell Jacques, your son, how fucked up you
are!"
Mas lalo siyang nalito. Kinabahan ako at mas lalo pang nagalit nang natantong hindi
siya naniniwala. Tinulak ko siya. I braced for a strong Jaxon but I didn't know he
has weakened more by the minute. Kaya matagumpay ko siyang naitulak at matagumpay
din akong tumakbo palayo roon.
I heard some calls from people pero hindi ko na sila nilingon. Dire-diretso ang
takbo ko. Tinakbo ko rin ang dancefloor at hinayaan na sina Snow o kahit si Harper
at Phillie. Wala na akong pakealam o oras na magpaalam pa sa kanila. All I want now
is to get away from Jax. If he doesn't believe me or he couldn't take it, well,
whatever!
Nahanap ko ang sasakyan ko at mabilis na pinaandar iyon. Pinaharurot ko agad sa
parking lot pa lang. Pero mas lalo lang akong kinabahan nang nakita sa side mirror
ang kaliliko lang ding itim na Jaguar sa likod. It was, with no doubt, Jax. My
heart boomed. He sped up. Hindi niya iyon madalas ginagawa kapag sumusunod sa akin.
Pero sa lahat ng pagkakataong sumunod siya, ngayon ang pinakaayaw ko. I sped up
more going to eighty and a hundred when I was in the highway with no traffic
because it's already very late.
He sped up, too. Cold sweat trickled on my forehead when I realized that he's
driving a luxurious fast car. Walang panama ang sasakyan ko ngayon kaya kahit anong
bilis ng takbo ko, alam kong maabutan niya ako.
With narrow eyes, I stepped on the gas more. He then slowed down, for some reason.
Natabunan siya ng maraming maraming sasakyan. Mas lalo siyang bumagal. Bahagya pa
akong nagulat at natakot nang nakitang may itim na sasakyan sa likod na mabilis ang
takbo. I thought it was him so I stepped on the gas again going on 120kph or more!
I sighed when I realized that he's gone. Unti-unti kong binagalan ang takbo ko pero
nanatili ang mga mata ko sa side mirror, baka sakaling bigla niya na naman akong
habulin.
When my driving was down to eighty and then sixty and then forty, the tires
screeched when I forced a stop because of the black fancy Jaguar in a sudden turn
in front of me! Sobra akong kinabahan pero hindi nakatakas sa akin ang galing niya
sa pagmamaneho. It was a fast drift of him but he managed to pull himself a bit to
give space for any error from me.
Napasinghap ako. Hindi pa makapaniwala sa nangyari. The black speedy cars a while
ago were suddenly beside my Honda. Wala pang segundo sa pagkakatigil, lumabas si
Jaxon sa kanyang sasakyan. Gulat pa ako at nakatitig pa sa manibela, nanginginig pa
ang mga kamay.
One swift move and Jaxon opened the door. He was breathing heavily. Halata ang
kanyang nagpupuyos na loob habang ako, unti-unti nang nawawala at kumakalma.
"Get out of your car or I'll drag you out of it!" his strained voice announced.
I surveyed the other black cars near us. I even saw a police nearby. I was busy
watching everything around when Jax carried me out of there.
"Jaxon! What the hell are you doing!" sigaw ko nang sinikop niya ako at mabilis na
naglakad patungo sa kanyang sasakyan.
He eyed some men darkly and with just that, some of them went to my car. Binalingan
ko ang aking sasakyan pero huli na dahil ipinasok niya na ako sa shotgun seat ng
kanya at mabilis na inayos ang seatbelts.
"Help! Police officer, please!" sabi ko nang nakita ulit iyong police na radyo.
When Jaxon turned to see the police. I heard the police say...
"Naayos na po ni Engineer Riego," the Police said on the radio before Jax pushed
the door close.
Umikot siya at bago ko pa matanggal ang medyo mahirap tanggalin na seatbelt na 'to,
nasa gilid ko na siya, pinapaandar na ang sasakyan.
"Hey, my Honda! Jax! Ano ba?!" iritado kong sinabi.
"Shut up, Amber! You almost killed yourself for trying to get away when you know
you can't!" iritado niya ring sabog, pulang-pula at inis na inis.
Tumahimik ako. Isang sapak ang ginawa niya sa kanyang manibela.
"And you geniusly chose a time to run away when you were sure I'd fucking do a
chase down! Mag-uusap tayong dalawa-"
"Sandali lang. 'Yong sasakyan ko-"
"Wala akong pakealam sa sasakyan mo at harapin mo ako ngayon! Don't you fucking try
changing the subject on me now!"
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. The anger I just felt a while ago is magically gone. I say
the darkness got dissolved or something. Or maybe not. Did the angel Amber buy a
new urn? I don't know. Maybe she did. I hope it's high quality now.
Nagulat ako nang sa isang iglap, nasa basement na kami ng parking lot sa tower ni
Nikolai. His forceful break made me jump. Ramdam ko pa rin ang galit niya, lalo pa
nang mabilis niyang inalis ang seatbelts, lumabas, at binuksan ang pintuan ko.
Madilim ang kanyang tingin kaya mas lalo akong nagdalawang isip na lumabas. Kahit
natanggal na ang seatbelts ko, nanatili ako sa loob ng kanyang sasakyan.
"I'll make damn sure you won't do that stunt on me again," he said. "Get out of the
car and let's talk about something.
Kinabahan ako. Hindi ko ito nililihim pero hindi ko talaga maintindihan para saan
ang kaba. Unti-unti akong umalis sa sasakyan. Inayos ko ang damit ko. The
sweetheart top is falling a bit so I corrected it. I saw his eyes drift on my hand
but he hastily glared at me again. Tumikhim ako. Hindi ako makapaniwalang
pagkatapos ng matinding galit ko, medyo kalmado naman ako ngayon.
"Answer me properly."
His bloodshot eyes welled up. Though, I am not sure if I'm just imagining it.
"What did you say? Answer me properly and honestly, Amber," banta niya, ngayon mas
lalo kong nakita ang namumuo sa kanyang mga mata.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. I sighed and nodded. Mas lalong kumunot ang noo niya sa
tango ko.
"Jacques is... our son-"
"We lost our child years ago! Alam ko! I was there when the doctor said it! He was
a trusted friend of my father, hinding hindi mababayaran ng Mommy mo ang
paninindigan niya! What I had then was the-" his voice broke.
Parang tinusok ng punyal ang puso ko. Kalmado ako kanina. I felt so light. I almost
think it was all just a passing joke. Inisip kong importante sa kanya ito pero
hindi ko naisip na ganito ka importante sa kanya, kahit ang nangyari noon.
"-blood you lost! It was the only thing I had! The doctor gave me that because he
said you don't want it! Kaya huwag mo akong lokohin ng ganito, Amber! This isn't a
good joke!"
Nagulat ako roon. I didn't know there was such a thing. Or I didn't care that time
because I'm too preoccupied with the situation.
"I am not fooling you, Jax! The doctor just failed to notice another heartbeat. We
had twins. I lost the twin but have Jacques. It's true. Nawalan nga tayo ng anak
pero may isa pa. Sa Manila ko na-"
"And you didn't tell me..." sobrang lamig at kalmado ng boses niya, mas lalo pang
nagpatakot sa akin.
"I didn't, alright. Nagmamadali kaming umalis ni Mommy-"
"You have my number. You can always ask Snow, too. Kael. It's easy to..." he
couldn't finish it.
"W-Wala na tayo-"
"Break tayo pero anak natin 'yon! I have the right to know! At least have the
decency to tell me!"
"I don't know, Jax... My Mom..." hindi ko na natapos dahil sa pagbuhos ng mga luha
ko.
He punched the side of his car. Pagkatapos ay sinapo ng kanyang mga palad ang
kanyang noo. Ilang sandali pa siyang nanatiling ganoon habang sumasandal sa kanyang
sasakyan. Kinagat ko ang labi ko.
"I'm sorry, Jax. I know now that it was wrong. Dapat sinabi ko sa'yo."
Hindi siya nagsalita. Nanatili lang siya sa ganoong ayos.
Suminghap ako at pinalis na ang mga luha. "I wanted you to meet. I want your
forgiveness so... so... it will be easier for you two to meet."
Nanghihina niya akong binalingan. His eyes were red and wet with tears but his
expression was hard and ruthless.
"Noong una nating pagkikita, bakit hindi mo agad sinabi?"
"Galit ka sa akin. Ayokong-"
"That's bullshit! If you wanted me to know, you would have said it on my face the
first time we saw each other!"
"Humanap ako ng tiempo, Jax!"
"And when did you think was the right time? Our dinner? When I was blindly
following you in your shoots! The silent moments in between our talks! Why didn't
you..." he stopped.
Hindi na ako nagsalita. Alam ko. Tama siya. But I also know that it was hard for
me. All this time, I said I want Jacques to be ready even when I know he'd been so
ready for years. Ako talaga ang hindi handa. Ako ang naghahanap ng oras at tamang
tiempo. Para sa akin. Hindi para sa anak ko.
"Where is he? I'll meet him."
"Jax, uh, it's already late. Puwede bang bukas na lang?"
Hindi siya makapaniwala sa sinasabi ko. Kitang-kita sa titig na ipinukol niya sa
akin ang pagpupumilit. Hindi siya papayag sa gusto kong mangyari at sigurado akong
pipilitin niya ang gusto niya.
"He's asleep now. I don't want to disturb him."
His lips were now in a grim line.
"Then, at least let me visit him while he's asleep!"
"Pero Jax..."
"I would never fucking step on that dirty old man's property but if my son is
there, Amber, hindi ako aalis dito hangga't hindi ko siya napupuntahan! Whether you
like it or not! Whether you allow it or not!" he said and clicked lock his car.
I sighed heavily and stared at him for a few seconds. His jaw clenched again,
clearly impatient. Bago pa siya makapagsalita ng kung ano, tumunog ang cellphone
ko. His eyes glinted with anger as he followed my hand on my bag. He was annoyed
that I can entertain this call while we're in the middle of something important.
It was my Mommy's number. Alam ko namang hindi ko na dapat 'to sinasagot na tawag
dahil nandito na kami but the fear of her wasting a million pesos made shiver. It
was such a petty reason but it's actually not when I only have a few left in my
account!
"Hello?"
"Mama..." it's Jacques.
Namilog ang mga mata ko. My heart is slowly gaining fast and loud beats as we
speak. Nakatitig ako sa iritadong mga mata ng kanyang ama sa aking harap.
"I was asleep then but I woke up and got thirsty. I found Lola and Dada Nikolai
laughing and drinking wine in the patio. It's past twelve. Hindi ka pa po ba uuwi?
I can't sleep."

[ 32 Kabanata30 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 30
Care
In my head, I planned this all out before. Ang pormal na pagpapakilala ko kay
Jacques sa kanyang Papa. I never thought this would turn out this way but I'm sure
it's still not too late to make it a bit formal.
It's 12:17am, my son couldn't sleep and Jaxon is in front of me asking me to meet
him. Madaling araw. Madaling araw na. I know Jaxon won't allow this moment to pass
without even seeing his son. Hindi ko puwedeng ipagpabukas 'to lalo na't nalaman
niya na na may anak nga kaming dalawa.
Hindi rin nakatakas sa akin ang pagkakapansin sa pagkakagising ni Jacques. How
amazing that he was awake while I'm here with his father. Sa dami ng mga araw na
puwede siyang magising ng madaling araw, ngayon pa talaga.
"Jacques," one breath and I saw Jaxon's parted lips and wide bloodshot eyes.
I raised a finger for him as a warning bago ako gumilid para kausaping mabuti ang
anak.
"Hey, I have something important to tell you."
Iniwas ko ang tingin ko kay Jaxon. I need to concentrate on my son.
"What is it, Mama?" Jacques asked with his voice sleepy.
"Listen, I want you to know that I'm here in the condo's basement with..." hindi ko
masabi.
Pumikit ako at yumuko. My pause stretched until Jacques probed.
"With who, Mama?"
"With your father," I said with a strained voice.
"Papa?" the hope in his voice was very evident. Hindi lang iyon. Sa bawat banggit
niya ng mga sumunod na kataga, mas lalo kong nakitaan ng saya. "P-Papa? Is it
Papa?"
Sinapo ko ang noo ko. I heard Jaxon sigh heavily.
"Yes, Jacques. I told him about you. He wants to meet you." Maliit ang naging boses
ko sa huling pangungusap.
Hindi siya agad nakasagot. Kinabahan ako ng ilang sandali.
"N-Now? Mama, can you wait? Should I change. I'm in my pajamas right now!"
Natawa ako roon. Sa huli, pumikit ulit ako at sinapo ang noo. Jaxon moved in front
of me. Parang tinutusok ng punyal ang puso ko nang natanto kung gaano talaga
kasabik ang anak.
"It's alright. Your pajamas are okay. You don't have to change, okay? He will
understand because it's already late."
"O-Okay..." his voice is shaking but I can sense how hard he tried to make it firm.
"Okay. Can you wait on the living room? We'll be there in a few."
"Yeah," he said, now his voice is firmer.
"Good. I'll put this down and talk to him a bit. Okay?"
"Okay," tipid na tipid ang sagot niya.
"I love you," I reminded him.
"Love you, M-Mama," muling nabasag ang boses niya.
Sobrang sakit ng puso ko pagkababa ko noon. I want to breakdown and cry but I know
I need to be strong. My son needs me now. Bumaling ako kay Jaxon na nanatili ang
lilim ng titig sa akin, with an expression that made my heart hurt more.
Akala ko may sasabihin siya pagkatapos ng tawag ko sa anak pero wala na siyang
dinugtong pa.
"Jax, listen..." sabi ko at kinalma ang sarili.
He was attentive even when I wasn't talking to him. Hindi rin siya nagsasalita kaya
hindi magkakaproblema ang pagpapaliwanag ko.
"His name is Jacques. He's six years old, turning seven months from now."
He swallowed hard. I saw tears in his eyes kaya iniwas ko muli ang tingin ko sa
kanya para makapagpatuloy.
"He speaks english most of the time but he understands and speaks filipino." Dahil
sa'yo. Para sa'yo. Or at least that's what Mommy made him. "He's... been... wanting
to meet you for years now."
Suminghap siya. Wala pa rin siyang sinasabi pero may palagay akong unti-unti na
siyang nagagalit sa akin.
"We're here in the Philippines now mainly because he wants to meet you," nabasag
ang boses ko.
I was almost positive that he will say something rude but he remained silent. Kahit
pa noong niyaya ko na siya at pumasok na kami sa elevator.
Tulala si Jaxon sa loob ng elevator. Halos isang metro ang layo naming dalawa.
Tulalang tulala siya habang ako, nakatitig sa kanya. The defeaning silence made the
beating of my heart more profound. Iyon lang ang naririnig ko habang paakyat ang
elevator sa tamang palapag.
When the door opened, the beating doubled. There is a growing sense of panic in me.
Gusto kong umatras pero alam ko ito na ang panahon. I am here now, there is no
turning back.
I opened the door of the unit. The lights were dimmed, as usual, at matindi rin ang
katahimikang naroon. Ilang hakbang palapit sa sala, naririnig ko ang boses ni Mommy
at Nikolai. They were laughing at something. At sa boses nila, nasisiguro kong nasa
balkonahe pa rin sila. Sa tawa nila, nasisiguro ko ring hindi pa nasabi ni Jacques
kung sino ang darating.
Nilingon ko si Jax. He was so serious. He eyed me with a faintly hostile glint in
his eyes. Suminghap ako at sa malalaking hakbang, dumiretso na sa sala. I saw Mommy
and Nikolai's movements from afar. I even saw Nikolai take a second look at me but
that was not my concern.
Jacques, my son, is sitting properly on a large couch with his dark blue terno
pajamas. He looked so serious that I thought it was his father I'm watching.
Nakatitig siya sa akin pero saglit lang iyon dahil lumipat ang kanyang mga mata sa
likod ko. Napakapormal niyang tumayo nang salubungin ako. Nangatog ang tuhod ko
pero nagpatuloy sa pagluhod para maglebel ang aming mga mata. Although, it was
useless because his eyes remained behind me.
"What the... Oh!" naririnig ko ang mga bitin na sinasabi ni Mommy.
Nasisiguro kong nakita na nila ngayon kung sino ang kasama ko.
"Jacques, t-this is your father, Jaxon Archibald Riego."
Nanatiling nakatitig ang anak ko kay Jax sa likod. His eyes watered so much and
he's holding his breathing to stop himself from breaking down. Parang pinipiga ang
puso ko para sa anak. Tumayo ako para bigyan ng daan silang dalawa. His eyes never
left his father's. Nakatingala siya habang dahan-dahang lumalapit si Jax sa kanya.
Mommy and Nikolai are both nearing us but my eyes remained on the two, in front of
me. Jaxon was shaking a bit when he stopped and knelt in front of Jacques. He
smiled but only drowned by his emotions. Yumuko ako at nauna nang bumuhos ang mga
luha ko.
"Hi, Jacques," he said formally.
"P-Papa," pilit inayos ng anak ko ang kanyang boses pero hindi niya nakaya.
He was about to cry when Jax pulled him for a tight embrace. Parang gripo ang buhos
ng luha ko habang tinitignan ang dalawa. Jaxon turned to red as he cried on my
little son's shoulders. Jacques arms wrapped around his father as he cried more on
his shoulders, too.
Ilang sandaling ganoon ang nangyari. Ilang minutong tahimik habang nagyayakapan ang
mag ama. No word was ever said even when I know my son had so many questions and
for sure Jaxon has more, too.
Paano nangyari ito? Bakit ngayon ko kang sinabi? Nasagot ko man ng pahapyaw kanina,
nararamdaman ko kung gaano niya kagustong ulitin iyon. How was he when he was a
baby? How did he express his need to see him? Why didn't I tell him at all? How did
I explain to Jacques everything? How did I raise him? And in the end, we'll go back
again to the same question: why didn't I tell him at all?
"Papa!" Jacques cried loudly and threw a punch on Jax's arm twice.
Sobrang tahimik ng buong unit. Lumabas man ang iilang kasambahay at ang nagbabantay
kay Jacques, wala pa ring naging ingay kundi ang pag-iyak ng anak ko. He sobbed so
much that I got worried he'd choke. Nikolai ordered for water but I ordered the
glass to be put on a near table because I don't want them to be disturbed by
anything.
"Papa!" Jacques cried more and pulled Jax's shirt.
Jaxon whispered on him a bit. Hindi ko narinig iyon. Then my son calmed down. Jax
kissed Jacques cheek and hugged him again. When he did that, Jacques gave another
punch.
"What took you so long! What took you so long, Papa! I waited so hard! I waited!"
he ranted as he cried.
Humihikbi na rin ako sa mga sinabi ni Jacques. Jax whispered him more words again
that calmed him down.
"Naghintay ako. Naghintay, Papa."
Jax whispered at him again until it was only my son's sobs. Mom ordered a tissue
for me. Tinanggap ko iyon at bahagyang nakita silang dalawa ni Nikolai sa likod ko.
Mommy's eyes were wet with tears but her expression was still hard on me. Nikolai
smiled at me. Lumapit siya sa akin. Sumunod naman si Mommy. I gave Mommy a warning
look.
It was a long, long moment of peace and quiet on the living room for us. For the
two, though, it was so short.
The way Jaxon held my son, it was like he's holding on for his dear life.
Namamangha rin ako. For me he was a hard man, even then. When we were still both
young, I never liked him because I think he was like a calloused man, hardened with
experiences by the hard life. He wasn't comfort for me. He was dangerous. I never
thought he could cry even just a bit. I was the one who'd always cry when we were
together. Many times, I saw his eyes bloodshot, angry, and in pain, but I never saw
him shed such tears. Ngayon pa lang.
When he let go and faced my still crying son, I saw his face, the same way I saw it
years ago. When I begged him to stay, instead of leaving me to work. Kagaya rin
iyon ng mga mata niya noong nag-away kaming dalawa. Noong hinarangan niya ako ng
mabuti at nakawala lang ako nang tawagin siya ni Tito Achilles. He looked
determined and in so much pain. Ang kaibahan lang ngayon, the menacing and ruthless
look softened a bit for my son.
"I'm sorry," he whispered a bit clearly.
Mas lalong umiyak si Jacques at muling inatake ang ama ng yakap. This time, Jax
remained calm and a bit shocked as he embraced my son. He let Jacques embrace him
so tight.
"Don't go anymore. Don't leave us again..." Jacques said in a strained voice as he
cried hard.
Unti-unti ang paghupa. Walang may gustong mangahas na magsalita. Kahit si Mommy.
Nikolai made some orders to the househelps.
It was another long minutes of crying and silence.
Jacques was sobbing so hard that I figured he had a difficulty now breathing.
Lumapit ako pagkatapos bg ilang sandali at hinawakan ang likod niya. Hinagod ko
iyon ng paulit-ulit. Umangat ang mga mata ni Jax sa akin. Mom appeared with the
glass of water now. Her eyes drifted on Jax with a masked anger.
"Jacques, why don't you take a seat on the couch so you two can talk a bit more?"
marahan kong sinabi.
Hindi kinakalas ni Jacques ang yakap kay Jaxon. His face remained on Jax's
shoulders and I could feel Jax's warmth for him. Huminga ako ng malalim.
"Jacques, your Mama is right..." dagdag ni Mommy.
When we realized he just wouldn't do it, umatras na si Mommy at muling binigay ang
baso sa kasambahay. I received a short pinch on my arm then, from her. Nilingon ko
siya.
"Ba't 'di mo sinabi na dadalhin mo 'yan ngayon? At ngayon talaga? Gabing-gabi na,
Amber!" Mommy whispered at me.
"I had no choice. Nasabi ko na po. Mahirap nang ipagpabukas ang bagay na 'to," I
whispered back.
Jaxon whispered something to Jacques. I am bewildered at his whispers to him. How
it was easy for the both of them to trust each other or to understand each other!
Kumalas ang yakap ni Jacques pero nanatili ang luha. Tinitigang mabuti ni Jaxon si
Jacques at may sinabi ulit. Jacques nodded and cried more. Jaxon smiled tenderly at
him bago siya tumayo. I saw the panic on Jacques eyes nang tumayo ang Papa niya. I
saw his hand tugging on Jax's pants. I felt a pang of pain when I realized that he
might be too scared to see Jax going away.
Umupo si Jax sa couch at hinawakan ang kamay ni Jacques. He let him stand in front
of him as he wiped away my son's tears. The still moment made me shudder. It was
like they are looking at each other's eyes trying to determine their similarities.
Marami iyon. Matatapos ang panibagong araw at hindi n'yo mauubos na dalawa ang
paghahanap sa lahat ng pagkakapareha ninyo.
I heard Nikolai ask my Mom to hand Jacques a glass of water. Imbes na sundin iyon
ni Mommy, kinalabit pa ako para ibigay ang baso ng tubig sa akin. It was as if both
of them are scared to come near the boys. Nikolai smirked meaningfully at me.
Umiling ako at tinanggap na ang baso.
Dahan-dahan akong lumapit. Naupo ako sa tabi ni Jax habang ang isang kamay,
hinahagod ang likod ng anak ko. He's sweating so much. Nawala na ang hikbi pero
basang basa pa ang mukha sa luha. I heard Mom call for Jacques new set of clothes
and some face towel.
"Jacques," marahan kong sinabi. "Come here..."
Dahan-dahan kong inilapit ang baso ng tubig sa kanya. I saw his eyes drift from me
to his father. He was watching him very carefully. Pinangalahatian niya ang baso ng
tubig bago ko iyon muling ipinasa kay Mommy.
When I turned to them again, I saw Jaxon slightly combing Jacques wet hair with his
fingers. Titig na titig si Jacques sa kanya. He was like getting to know all of him
at once. He was very curious of everything about him that ge doesn't want to take
his eyes away. He wants to take it all in, his movements, expression, everything.
I was about to get the towel when Jax got it, too. Pinagmasdan ko siyang malambot
ang titig sa aking anak. While Jacques was watching him with such attention to
details, the way his father look, the way he moves, and the way he cares for him.
Ramdam na ramdam ko ang kagustuhan ng anak. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pananabik at
ang pagkakalugod. Lalo na noong pumikit ng mariin si Jacques dahil ang Papa niya
ang nagpunas ng pawis sa leeg at sa likod. I felt how happy he is. I saw rivulets
of tears streaming down his face as his father took care of him. It was like he's
honored to be taken good care by his father.
Hinagod ko ang buhok niya. He opened his eyes and it remained down while he's
crying. While Jax was taking good care of him.
It was like he waited for this. For this kind of care. Nararamdaman ko ang sobra-
sobra niyang kasiyahan. Sobra-sobra ang pagpapahalaga niya sa ginagawa ni Jax sa
kanya. Kahit anong gawin niya, hindi niya kayang itago ang damdamin. His eyes went
to his father's face.
Lumapit ang ilang kasambahay. Kinuha ni Jax ang isang bagong t-shirt. Dahan-dahan
kong kinalas ang mga butones ng pantaas na damit ni Jacques. My son was watching
his father closely as he wiped the sweat on his forehead then back on his neck and
back, too. He looked so amazed.
Kinalas ko ang damit ni Jacques. His eyes were still on his father. Jax continued
what I did with Jacques shirt. When he was naked on top, I smiled at him. Jacques
remained serious, though. Nagsikap siyang tumayo ng mas maayos at mas matibay. His
eyes were on his father's chest now. Ngumuso ako. I know my son and I have a
feeling he's paying so much attention on all of Jax's details so he'd copy all of
it. Parang dinudurog ang puso ko.
Natigil ako sa ginagawa ko, medyo naawa sa anak. I realized then what I have done.
I know I wasn't ready for years. I know that I was hurt, in pain, and so much more.
I know I had my doubts with Jaxon. But is it enough reason to do this to Jacques?
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Nilingon ko si Jax. He looked like he's in so much pain,
too. He was breaking down but he's trying so hard to look strong. Maybe because in
front of him is his dear son... he had to look strong despite his weakness, and
that is him.
Nilipat kong muli sa anak ko ang aking mga mata. Jax put on his fresh white t-
shirt. Bumagsak ang mga mata ni Jacques habang sinusuot iyon at nakita kong muling
pumatak ang mga luha niya.
"Iiwan mo na po ba ako pagkatapos? Uuwi ka ba?" Jacques asked when the change was
done.
Inayos ni Jax ang dulo ng t-shirt bago ngumiti at umiling. He wiped away the new
tears on Jacques' face.
"Hindi kita iiwan," Jax said with finality.
Namilog ang mga mata ko. Sa huli, yumuko na lang. Alam kong nagkasundo na kami ni
Jacques tungkol dito. It was possible that after meeting Jax, we would then leave
for the US. I have talked with him that this is not a conventional family. Hindi ko
nga lang inasahan na maiintindihan niya iyon.
Tumango si Jacques. "Where do you live? Take us with you, Papa. Lola, Dada!" he
pleaded. "Can they come, Papa?"
"Jacques, Dada can't come. You know I'll leave, right?" si Nikolai na mabilis ang
sagot.
Jax turned to him with dagger eyes. Lumipat kay Mommy iyon.
"Jacques, we live here-"
"Mom..." I stopped her from her usual rant.
Hindi na ulit nagsalita si Jacques. He was so hopeful. Especially when Jax nodded
in agreement to him.
"Yes, they can come with us."
There were only a few words said. Pinaupo ni Jax si Jacques sa tabi niya. Tumayo
naman ako nang nakapagdesisyon na rin sa sarili pagkatapos ng ilang sandali.
Hinanap ko si Nikolai. He walked towards me, too, with Mommy beside him.
"Sorry..." I said softly at Nikolai.
He smiled and shook his head to answer my apology.
"Dito mo na ipatulog," he said then we both stopped when his eyes turned beside me.
Nilingon ko si Jax. Nakatayo na ito ngayon sa tabi ko. The grim expression on his
dark face was directed at Nikolai. Tumikhim si Nikolai at naglahad ng kamay.
"Nikolai. Jaxon Riego, right?" he said a bit awkwardly.
Nanatili ang mga mata ni Jaxon sa kay Nikolai. Nikolai looked uncomfortable then.
Pakiramdam ko, hindi tatanggapin ni Jaxon ang kamay ni Nikolai. I wanted to
interrupt but then he firmly shook Nikolai's hand in the end. Mabilis din niyang
kinalas at nanatili ang hindi magandang tingin kay Nikolai.
Nikolai blurted out a "phew" and he laughed a bit. He looked at me meaningfully
again. Nagkatinginan kami ni Jaxon. His grim eyes are now accusing me of something.
"Uh, well, I'm glad you two met tonight. Uh... you are actually welcome to stay and
be with your son."
"Thank you, Nikolai. Pasensya na," sabi ko.
"No... No, that's not a problem at all! It's not a problem!" paulit-ulit at medyo
kabado si Nikolai sa mga sinasabi niya.
Jax didn't say thank you or what. He didn't say a word. Nilapitan ni Mommy si
Jacques kaya napabaling ako sa kanila. When Mommy combed Jacques hair, I saw my
son's eyes grew sleepy though he's trying si hard to be wide eyed and awake. May
sasabihin sana si Mommy pero nabitin sa ere nang nakita niyang pabalik na si Jaxon
doon.
"Ate Nelia," I called Jacques' yaya.
"Ma'am..." tumango si Ate at alam agad ang gagawin.
When I turned to see my son, I saw that Jaxon is already carrying him. Jacques
sagged on his shoulders. He was awake but he looked tired. His hand wrapped lightly
on Jax's neck and his legs falling off Jax's hip.
"Ate, paturo na lang sa kuwarto ni Jacques, please," sabi ko.
Jax looked at me with unsaid words. And I was shocked when it was my son who
blurted out the words on his father's eyes.
"Mama, sleep with me, please," he asked.
I was so sure my face turned scarlet for a moment. Suminghap ako at tumango.
"Jacques, susunod ako. I'll just changed in my room, okay? I'll be there."
Hindi na sumagot si Jacques. Jax then walked towards the hall, sumunod kay Ate
Nelia habang naiiwan kaming tatlo roon, tahimik ng ilang sandali. Nang narinig
naming nakapasok na, papasok na rin sana ako sa kuwarto ko pero hinaklit ni Mommy
ang braso ko.
"Nagkabalikan na kayo?"
"Mommy, hindi!" agaran kong sagot.
"Seems like it to me. Don't tell me that man will live here for a while, Amber!"
"No. Bukas agad, kukuha na ako ng sarili talaga naming condo unit. I'll make sure
of it."
"Hindi na siguro. Your Reigo has his own penthouse. Ipupusta ko lahat ng ari-arian
ko, doon niya kayo ititira sa kanya," si Nikolai.
"I'll get my own!"
"Don't! Nikolai's trip to Germany is nearing! Puwede na tayo rito!" si Mommy.
Bumaling ako kay Nikolai. Malapit na ba iyon? He smirked.
"But will Jacques agree to be apart his daddy?"
I hate to admit that Nikolai has a point.
"Damn, he's hot!" si Nikolai na mukhang hindi pa natatapos sa kung anong iniisip
kay Jaxon. He even spanked my butt. "Maybe he needs clothes, Amber. You can offer
him mine. Tapos 'di ko na lalabhan-"
Pagod akong tumawa bago siya sinimangutan.
"Stop it, Nikole! If you watch him that way, he'll eventually realize what you
are."
Tumawa si Nikolai. "Sus! Ang sabihin mo, territorial ka lang. Ayaw mo kahit may
tumititig."
Umirap ako kay Nikolai.
"Anong nangyari? Paano nalaman?" he changed the topic.
"Can we talk about this tomorrow? I'm tired."
"I don't need to ask you what happened. I have already sorted out everything in my
head, Amber."
Umirap ako sa sinabi ni Mommy. Tumawa si Nikolai, ngayon naman sa kay Mommy
nangungulit. Iniwan ko sila pero naririnig ko si Nikolai na kinukulit si Mommy kung
paano.
"Don't listen to her. She thinks the worst of me so you'll hear a bad story!"
Pagkasarado ko ng pintuan ko 'tsaka ko natantong may mas isasama pa ba sa totoong
istorya ng nangyari kanina? I sighed and started stripping. I took a brisk shower,
changed, and after a few minutes, I found the living room free of Nikolai and my
Mom now.
Dahan-dahan akong pumunta sa kuwarto ni Jacques. He has grown and wants to always
sleep on his own. But today is special...
Sa dilim, at konting ilaw galing sa lamp, nakikita ko ang ayos ng dalawa sa kama.
We would cramp in there because Jax is large but that's okay. Today is special for
my son.
Pikit na pareho ang mata nilang dalawa. Jacques was facing his father. I can hear
his purr and calm breathing. Naupo ako at ilang saglit ay humiga na. My eyes went
to Jax who was facing Jacques. His lashes moved and I realized he wasn't asleep.
Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. Umayos ako sa pagkakahiga at kumuha ng konting kumot.
My body is tired but my head is still screaming. I don't think I'll sleep easily.
Paano pa kaya sa kay Jax. Nasisiguro kong marami siyang tanong.
"You don't sleep here?" his voice was husky.
I waited for Jacques to move. He's very sensitive with sounds and movements. Pero
siguro, iba ang gabing ito. Napagod siya sa kaiiyak.
"No. I have my own room," marahan kong sinabi at nagkatitigan ulit kami.
He looked like he was waiting for my explanation so I sighed and continued.
"Nikolai's room is upstairs. Ganoon din kay Mommy."
"Bakit dito kayo tumitira?"
"Nikolai is a dear friend to Mom. He's been a friend to me too." Sumulyap ako sa
kanya.
Kita ko ang galit niya habang sinasabi ko iyon. Alam ko ang iniisip niya kaya
dinugtungan ko ulit.
"I have plans to move out. I checked out a property some days ago. Sinamahan ako ni
Nikolai noong nakita kami ng pinsan mo."
"You should move out. And stop wasting your time looking for a property. You will
live with me."
"Ano?"
Nagulat ako roon. Napabaling pati ang katawan ko sa kanya bilang protesta. Imbes na
magsalita, natigil na lang ako nang nakitang gumalaw si Jacques at nagsalita.
"Mama, you won't sleep yet?" he whispered and moved to see me.
He smiled and then closed his eyes again. Tumikhim ako at banayad na nagsalita.
"Sorry, Jacques. I'll sleep now. Good night."
"Good night..."
Nang muli kong binalingan si Jax, his eyes was already closed beside my son. Alam
kong hindi pa siya tulog pero kailangan ko na ring tumigil sa pagsasalita kung ayaw
kong magising ang anak.
I was awake for most of the remaining dark hours. I contemplated about everything
and arrived at a hesitant decision. Hindi ako sigurado kung nakatulog nga bang
talaga ako. Parang hindi. Madaling araw kasi gising na ako galing sa mahabang pag-
iisip, nasa gitna ng tulog at pagkakagising. So instead of staying there with them,
umahon na ako.
Lumabas ako ng kuwarto at naririnig na ang pag-aayos ng iilang kasambahay. It's
five thirty in the morning and outside, the sun is slowly rising. Nagulat ako nang
pagkadaan sa balkonahe, may nakita akong nakatayong may mahabang night gown. It was
Mommy drinking coffee. I wonder if she slept.
She looked at me with serious eyes and then she looked at the view of the plants in
front of our large balcony and beyond it, the beautiful landscape of skyscrapers
bracing the scorching sun. Tumayo ako sa tabi niya bago siya niyakap ng pagilid.
Even when our relationship is hot and cold, she's still my Mom. She's the closest
person to me... the one who knows every little thing about me.
"I told him while we were partying in an exclusive superclub. I was with Snow and
Jax's cousins last night."
Hinawakan ni Mommy ang kamay ko. Mabilis niyang nakuha ang ibig kong sabihin.
"I wanted to tell him but not that way. Kaso... nasabi ko na kaya wala na."
Mom sighed. "At least my grandson is happy."
Niyakap ko pa lalo si Mommy. Now that I have made my decision, I am worried of her.
"Malapit na pala ang pag-alis ni Nikolai, Mom?"
Tumawa si Mommy. "Oh, don't sound like he'll be gone for long. It's just a month,
darling."
Nagtiim-bagang ako nang biglang may naisip.
"If we move out of here, you'll be alone here."
Napabaling si Mommy sa akin.
"Don't move out. We're welcome here, Amber. Don't tell me you'll really do it? Your
son was just excited, Amber. He didn't mean it to come with his father!"
I wish Jacques is just excited but I know him. I know him too well.
"Sumama ka na lang, Mom."
"No!" mabilisan niyang agap. "No way, Amber!"
Umirap ako dahil alam ko agad kung bakit bayolente na lang ang hindi niya pagsang
ayon.
Bago ko madugtungan iyon, we were greeted with a jolly good morning by Nikolai.
Sinabi ko ulit kung ano ang nangyari. I was looking at Nikolai, wanting to tell him
about my decision when Mommy ranted about his plan to go to Germany before Lolo's
birthday. She wanted to invite Nikolai but he got a flight before the date kaya
hindi siya tinantanan ni Mommy.
I wonder if Nikolai was just trying to save her. Kapag kakalat ang balita tungkol
sa kay Jacques, people will turn to Mommy when they think of Nikolai. Na baka
pinalabas lang ni Mommy na ako ang pinakasalan ni Nikolai kahit na siya naman pala?
After all, before all of these, they were the thing. He was the supposed other man.
Mom got pissed so she staged a walk out leaving me and Nikolai alone. Kinagat ko
ang labi ko at tiningnan ang guwapong matanda sa harap ko. I took that opportunity
to talk to him about something important.
"Thanks for being so considerate."
Tumawa si Nikolai. "It's not a big deal to me, Amber."
Pagod akong ngumiti. "Pati kay Mommy. I know you two are good friends but she's
really a pain in the ass."
Tumawa ulit siya. "She's my pain in the ass for years now. I won't be Nikolai
without Maria Emilia, Amber. I hope you know that."
I smiled at him. "I got a feeling we'll move out of here for Jacques."
"I got a feeling, too."
"And you're leaving for Germany."
"I'll reschedule it. Don't worry about it, Amber."
Nagulat ako roon. He'll do that for my Mom! "No, please, don't. Actually, I think
it's better if you're far from her for the mean time."
Alam kong hindi niya naiintindihan ang gusto kong mangyari pero isa ito sa paulit-
ulit kong inisip kagabi, isa sa dahilan kung bakit hindi ako nakatulog.
"You know mas lumala siya sa nagdaang taon simula ng nawala si Dad. Gusto ko sanang
maibalik siya ng konti sa dati, gaya noong nandyan pa si Daddy. Back when she was a
little more responsible with herself and her expenses. I hope you'll help me."
Buti na lang, hindi na ulit lumapit si Mommy. She was now busy preparing a
beautiful breakfast table while I telling Nikolai of my plan. Isa pa itong baklang
ito. Kung gaano ka lenient si Daddy kay Mommy, ganoon din si Nikolai! I wonder if
there was ever a man who won't get crazy for my Mom's biddings... a man who can
hold her and discipline her for her own good. May sumagi sa isipan ko pero hindi
rin.
"I want her to go back to Costa Leona and manage the hotel but I'm sure she won't
do that. Sa Costa Leona kasi..." hindi ko na tinapos.
"Ang hindi niya alam nandito sa Manila ang iniiwasan niya. Sana umuwi na nga lang
siya ng Costa Leona," si Nikolai bago siya tumango. "Alright. I agree with you.
I'll cooperate with your plan, Amber."
Napasinghap ako sa sinabi ni Nikolai. Magsasalita pa sana ako pero napansin kong
napatitig si Nikolai sa likod ko. Bumaling ako roon at nakita si Jax. His same dark
and grim eyes turned to us. I can sense his fury from watching me and Nikolai alone
in here. Tumikhim ako para mapigilan siya.
"Si Jacques?"
Wearing a large brown bathrobe, his black hair disheveled, he looked so good even
in the morning. In between the hem of the bathrobe is his tanned chest and some
hair. Sumulyap ako kay Nikolai and I know that expression, he has all the 3 H! I
hope he doesn't look at him like that or Jax might think he's picking a fight.
"Tulog pa. Pinabantayan ko muna dahil hinahanap kita."
Nikolai gave a low growl that I'm sure was meant for me. Mas lalong kumunot ang noo
ni Jax nang balingan ito.
"Good morning, Jax," bawi ni Nikolai. "I think breakfast is ready. Iyon lang naman
ang pinag-usapan namin ni Amber dito."
What an excuse. Bahagya akong lumayo kay Nikolai at lumapit kay Jax.
"Where's your room?" he said, ignoring Nikolai. How rude! I didn't protest on that,
though.
"Why?"
"I'll take a shower."
Nagkatinginan kaming saglit.
"Sa room ni Jacques?" tanong ko.
His jaw clenched at my statement. It was an urge for me to stop asking questions at
him.
"Nandito..." sabi ko at naglakad na patungo sa aking kuwarto.
"Excuse us..." he said politely at Nikolai.
Sumunod siya sa aking kuwarto at nang nakapasok na kaming dalawa, he loosened up
the robe for me to see his chiseled abdomen, and manly chest. My throat dried to
dust and confirmed Nikolai's 3 H. Hot, hard, and hairy!
"Damit mo?" I asked.
"My assistant is on the way with some clothes."
Ngumuso ako at tumango.
"Start packing your clothes now. Our son wants to go to my place."
Though, I know. I was still shocked.
"And we have many things to talk about," he leered at me.
Shit!
Bago pa ako makapag protesta, pumasok na siya sa bathroom at sinarado na ang
pintuan. And I know we're not done talking about everything, too. Panigurado akong
tatadtarin niya ako ng tanong. I will have no choice.

[ 33 Kabanata31 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 31
Sorry
His guy assistant came. Ako ang humarap para kunin ang damit niya at hindi naman
ito nagtagal dahil iyon lang ang utos. Mommy's brows were shot up as she watched me
walk towards my room bringing his clothes. Alam ko agad ang nasa isip ni Mommy pero
hindi niya na iyon isinatinig pa kaya hindi na rin ako nagsalita.
Pumasok ako sa kuwarto. I am literally thinking about packing clothes but I feel
like there's something wrong with me for being too submissive with Jaxon's sudden
commands. Sa isipan ko, idinahilan ko na lang na malaki ang naging atraso ko sa
kanya sa nagdaang taon. Babawi ako sa pamamagitan ng pagbibigay.
If I think about it, if he had a relationship with Rowena, I still thought that it
was only right to tell him about my pregnancy. That was why I really did. Noong
nakunan ako at umalis ng Manila, doon lang naman ako nagtago. Bukod sa hindi ko
inasahan iyon, namuo na rin ang galit ko sa mga nangyari sa amin. But along those
many years that I have supposedly moved on, and with my son asking for his father,
why didn't I try to reconnect with him? I should've been sport and open. Hindi ko
na ipinagpatuloy ang pag-iisip noon dahil may palagay akong nakakatakot ang mga
susunod na dahilan.
The bathroom door opened. Nahagip ko sa gilid ng aking mga mata ang paglabas ni
Jax. Damp hair curled on his collar and some water dripped on his chest. Mabilis
kong inabala ang sarili ko sa hanger rack sa tabi lang ng kama ko. May mga damit
doon dahil hindi na kasya ang lahat sa maliit kong closet.
"I got your clothes. Umalis na ang assistant mo," I said cooly while literally
pretending that I am checking the clothes on the hanger rack.
Sa gilid ng mga mata ko, nakita ko nang naghubad siya ng roba. Nanunuyo ang
lalamunan ko at parang may invisible force na nagtutulak sa mukha kong bumaling sa
banda niya. But of course I won't shame myself that way, I remained busy with my
clothes on the hanger rack.
"Uh, actually I think Jacques and I can compromise. Instead of moving out of here,
puwede ka namang bumisita rito..." my last attempt to be non-submissive.
"Did you talk to him about that?" he fired.
Fine. He's right! Siya na!
Suminghap ako at bigong nagpatuloy. "How many bedrooms are there in your condo
unit?"
Sa gilid ng mga mata ko nakikita ko nang nakapagbihis na siya kaya safe nang
bumaling. My greedy eyes shamelessly went for his body. Ang unang tatlong butones
sa kanyang puting longsleeves ay hindi pa nabubutones at ang kuwelyo, hindi pa
maayos. Ang kanyang sinturon, hindi pa nasasarado. His jet black thick hair was
disheveled in a seriously hot way. His hooded eyes was staring at me darkly and
then I noticed a clean jaw. He shaved! I swallowed so hard and obviously.
"Kasi... we have to bring Ate Nelia for Jacques. Right now he might settle for
sleeping with you but he likes sleeping alone in his room so we might need a room
for him, too."
Medyo tuliro ako dahil gusto kong idugtong na ako rin! Gusto ko ng sariling kuwarto
pero siyempre negotiable din 'yan dahil puwede naman akong matulog katabi si
Jacques or kahit si Ate Nelia.
Hindi ako makapaniwalang nag-uusap kami ng ganito ngayon. I imagine him so angry
that he'd shout at me for everything once we're out of my son's sight but here we
are talking about petty things like these.
"Seven bedrooms," he said.
Napakurap-kurap ako sa sagot niya at muling nagtagal sa panga ang mga mata. I can't
decide which one is a better looking Jax, the one with the stubble or without?
Actually, pareho lang pero gusto kong isiping may lamang sa dalawa. Hindi nga lang
ako makapagdesisyon kung alin.
Heck, I stared too long at him that his brow shot up in an unsaid question. Muntik
na akong masamid nang wala sa sarili kong sinabi ang nasa isipan.
"You used my shaver... Uh... I mean you shaved your stubble," hirap na hirap kong
sinabi.
He sneered. Uminit agad ang pisngi ko nang nagtagal pa ang ganoong titig niya
habang inaayos ang sinturon pagkatapos ang kuwelyo.
"Why? Do you like me better with it?"
Palihim na akong nasamid ngayon. Tinikhim ko na lang iyon at hindi na
nakapagsalita. He rolled the ends of his longsleeves until his forearm. Nanatili
ang mapangutyang titig niya bago siya naglakad patungo sa pintuan.
"Don't worry. It'll grow back days from now."
With a mocking gleam in his eyes, he gazed at me arrogantly waiting for a reaction.
Wala akong masabi. Grabe!
Bumagsak ang mga mata niya sa mga damit sa hanger rack. He licked his lower lip and
said...
"Puntahan ko lang ang anak natin. Continue packing your clothes," he said and
turned to leave the room.
Parang lumisan ang kaluluwa ko pagkaalis niya. Medyo nahiya ako sa sariling
reaksyon at ilang sandali pang natulala roon. I can't be serious in packing my
clothes, right? Talaga bang aalis kami ni Jacques? They just met! Maybe my son is
just too excited but he wouldn't do that in the end!
Hindi ko na alam. Pero ihahanda ko pa rin ang sarili ko. Ayokong magulat na lang na
kailangan a pala naming umalis.
Bukod pa sa maraming iniisip ko, marami ring text sa cellphone ko. I checked it a
while ago when I thought of my compiled videos of the younger Jacques. I need to
somehow show it to Jax so he'd see him in his younger years pero hindi ko pa alam
paano ko isisingit iyon.
Harper and Phillie texted. They were looking for me the whole time last night at
tumigil lang nang kumpirmahin ng pinsan kong umalis nga ako kasama si Jaxon. Snow
texted last night, too.
Snow:
Where are you? Harper and Phillier were worried. I told them you went out with
Jaxon cause Rad's men said so. Ang mabuti pa, sumakay ka na lang kay Jax. I think
you've drank too much to drive.
And these people didn't know what really happened last night! Mahirap iexplain kina
Snow kaya inuna ko ang dalawang kaibigan na may alam na.
Ako:
Sorry last night. I had a row with Jaxon and got so pissed so I went home without
saying goodbye. Babawi ako. Pasensiya na. Hindi nga lang ngayon kasi something came
up. He already knows about Jacques so...
Wala pang nagrereply. Sa bagay, if they were drunk last night I don't think they'd
reply this time yet. Lumabas ako sa kuwarto ko. Naririnig ko na si Nikolai na medyo
maingay sa may dining area and Jacques voice calling Mama. I sighed and went there
only to see that Jacques is already awake and sitting there for breakfast.
Naupo ang anak ko sa kabisera at si Jax naman sa tabi niya. Nikolai is in front of
Jaxon while Mommy is sipping her coffee while watching Jaxon closely with judgy
eyes.
"Oh there's your Mama!" si Nikolai nang nakita ako.
Nilingon ako ni Jax. He looked serious and I have a feeling that he's only really
putting up with the arrangement because of Jacques. Lalo na dahil bukod kay Mommy,
napakarami ring kasinungalingang sinabi si Nikolai sa kasagsagan noon.
He would purposely not answer the questions about us to stir rumors of its
possibility or truth. Sometimes with his media friends, he would mix it up and call
Jacques his son to purposely give them a hint. Matagal ko nang pinatawad si Nikolai
sa lahat ng iyon pero iniisip ko kung nakarating ba kay Jaxon ang mga balitang
ganoon.
"Mama! Good morning!" Jacques said merrily.
"Good morning," I said and kissed his forehead before going to the seat beside Jax,
in front of Mom.
Nang nasa likod ako ni Jax, dumaan, I gave Nikolai a warning look. He seems so
comfortable with Jax and I don't think he should be, given the history. Jaxon
seemed to notice Nikolai's gaze at me that he turned to see what I was doing. Naupo
ako at iniwas na lang ang tingin sa kanila. Tensyonado ang hapag at si Jacques lang
ang dahilan kung bakit tahimik at payapa pa rin dito.
"Mama, pumayag ka na pupunta tayo kay Papa?"
Great! That topic.
"Of course, Jacques."
"Yes! I want to! But Dada and Lola won't go with us!"
"Jacques, this is our house. You know you can just let your Papa visit here. We'll
certainly allow that," si Mommy.
Bumaling si Jaxon sa kanya. Konting-konti na lang ang naiiwan sa pasensya ni Jaxon
at kinakalabit pa ni Mommy. Mommy gave him a nonchalant look before sipping on her
coffee.
"Lola, Dada will soon leave for Germany and you'll be alone here with the two ates
and the cook! You'll be lonely! Come with us!"
"No. Nope," si Mommy na umiiling. "I can live alone."
"Mama!" paghihingi ng tulong ni Jacques sa akin.
"Mom. Sige na. Hindi mo ba siya ma mimiss?"
"I will miss my grandson so much, everyday. But it's not as if I can't visit him.
I'll just visit you, hijo. I'll bring you toys and books, whatever you want."
Seryosong tumitig si Jacques kay Mommy. He looked at her as if he's trying to
figure a way to trap Mommy in his little hands.
"But isn't it a bit too fast?" parinig ni Mommy. "You just met your father,
Jacques. Why don't you give it more time before deciding on living with him?"
Jaxon's jaw clenched. Nagkatinginan sila ni Mommy.
"It's not fast for me given that we were deprived of so many years apart. If I had
known better, hindi ko na sana pinatagal ng ganoon," Jaxon fired subtly.
Tumuwid sa pagkakaupo si Mommy dahil alam na alam niyang may kinalaman siya sa
lahat ng nangyari. Napainom din ng tubig si Nikolai and he just couldn't shut up.
"I know I was at fault, too..." si Nikolai sabay tingin kay Jacques, nag-iingat na
ayusin ang mga sinasabi para hindi mapansin ng bata ang pinag-uusapan. "I wasn't
very specific with people who asked me about things. I regret that now but that
time, I thought I was offering protection."
"Protection from who?" Jaxon said calmly but I know he's trying to be.
Mommy cleared her throat. "Protection from a powerful family who obviously tried to
use their power to-"
Sa boses ni Mommy, alam kong hindi maganda ang mga susunod na sasabihin niya.
Unlike Nikolai, she likes flaunting her flaws even in front of Jacques that I had
to stop her from there.
"That's enough. Lahat tayo may kasalanan sa nangyari, in one way or another. We
can't do anything about the past so let's just focus on what we have in the present
for the future. I'm sorry, Jacques. Mama, Lola, and Dada are just thinking about
your decision..." marahan kong sinabi.
Tumango si Jacques. He remained serious and then he turned to his father to smile
genuinely.
"We think you deserve to be with your Papa after the years of waiting. Don't worry
about Dada and Lola. You know they'll have fun in this big penthouse and will just
visit you regularly so you won't miss them. Am I right, Mommy? Nikolai?" sa huling
tanong, medyo naging mababa at pirmi ang boses ko.
"Of course, Jacques! I will for sure! Isasama ko pa ang Tito Klaus mo so you'd have
playmates again."
"Really, Dada?" Jacques smiled wider.
"Yes, hijo. Ako rin. Baka mapadalas ako roon para sa'yo," bawi ni Mommy.
Bumuntong-hininga ako.
"We can visit here, too, if you want, Jacques. If you miss them," marahang sinabi
ni Jaxon.
Jacques smile grew wider. "I will miss them. I want Lola and Dada to come with us
but I know Lola wants to stay here with her bags, shoes, and jewels and Dada is
busy and he will go to Germany to visit Dada. Kami lang ni Mama ang gustong sumama
kay Papa."
Napainom ako ng tubig doon. Talaga? Gusto ko ring sumama?!
"It's only me and Mama who wants to live with Papa so I understand! I just hope
Lola and Dada will visit always because I will miss them so much!"
Nakatitig na ngayon si Mommy sa akin, bahagya akong inaakusahan na gusto ko ngang
tumira kasama si Jaxon! Jacques is just creating a happy bubble in his world and I
am not about to break that just to prove a point! Hindi na rin umapila si Mommy
pero sa akin niya naman ibinubuntong ang mga mariing pukol.
"When are you leaving?" seryosong tanong ni Mommy sabay tingin kay Jaxon.
I guess I have no say on this. Akala ko si Jaxon ang sasagot pero nakita kong
bumaling siya kay Jacques.
"I have no problem. I'll let Jacques decide about that."
Tumuwid sa pagkakaupo si Jacques habang tinititigan ang ama. He smiled again and
Jax carefully caressed Jacques' hair in indulgence.
"If he's not ready, I can stay here for a while," he said it like he's giving
Jacques some time.
"No, I am ready, Papa!" medyo mayabang na sinabi ng anak ko.
Sinapo ni Mommy ang kanyang noo, halatang disappointed sa sagot ng apo. Nikolai
sighed heavily, too.
"I will pack after breakfast!" giit niya.
"Are you sure? We can wait until I finish designing a special room for you," Jaxon
said in a playful tone.
Namilog ang mga mata ng anak at mukhang mas lalo pang naengganyong sumama sa Papa.
"I can sleep on your couch while the room is not yet ready."
Pumikit ako ng mariin at problemado nang inisip. Tanggap ko naman na sasama nga
kami kay Jaxon pero hindi ko inisip na ganito ka sabik ang anak ko na kahit
binibigyan na siya ng pagkakataong patagalin 'to, hindi niya pa rin pinapalampas.
Jaxon chuckled sexily. I saw Nikolai's brow twitch with unadulterated desire. I
tried to reach for his knee below the table to kick him but Mommy did it for me. He
said a soft "Ouch".
"I won't allow that. I have other rooms for you to sleep in while the room for you
is still under renovation. No way I'll let you sleep on a couch."
Busy ang mag-ama kaya ang random na ouch ni Nikolai ay hindi na napansin ng dalawa.
When Jaxon noticed our weird business, umayos si Mommy at Nikolai. Nag-iwas na lang
ako ng tingin sa kanila.
"Well, I'll pack light clothes for you, hijo. In case you want to come back here or
take a quick vacation here, away from your parents. Ayos na siguro ang isang bag ng
damit?" mabilis na bawi ni Mommy.
"Okay, Lola."
Labag man sa kalooban ang nangyayari, nagawa pa rin naming mag-ayos para sa anak.
Inubos namin ang mga sumunod na oras sa pag-aayos ng gamit. Mommy and Nikolai
started packing Jacques bags. Ako naman sa akin. Hindi ko naman dadalhin ang lahat.
Just the basics and some formal attires just in case. Paminsan-minsan akong
tumitigil para isipin na totoong mangyayari ito.
Sumagi rin sa isipan ko ang tungkol sa pagbabalita ni Jaxon sa kanyang pamilya. He
has a big family plus there's Tito Achilles. I wonder how or when will he tell
them? I have a feeling that it will be very soon. In fact, I have a feeling about
later.
Nilabas ko ang isang malaking luggage galing sa kuwarto. Jaxon's eyes drifted on me
while he was busy talking to Jacques on the living room. Jacques was leaning on
him, very interested, as he talks. Parehong mga mata ang bumaling sa akin
pagkatapos ng ilang saglit. A househelp offered to move my luggage in the front
door. I nodded and then saw Jax whisper something to my son.
Tumayo si Jacques at tiningala na rin ang ama niyang tumayo at lumapit sa akin. My
son looked in awe of everything his father does. I sensed it when his eyes drifted
again on the way he walked and the way he stands up. May palagay talaga akong
kokopyahin niya ang lahat ng iyan, as if he isn't a spitting image of him already.
"Did you talk to Snow about what happened last night?" he asked.
Umiling ako. "Hindi pa."
He sighed. "I plan to tell them eventually. Gusto ko sanang maging kumportable muna
si Jacques sa condo ko pero alam ko rin na mabilis kakalat ang balita. So I
formally told my father about it and told him I'll schedule a visit once you're
both settled and comfortable but he and my brother insisted to come later tonight."
Napatitig ako kay Jaxon. Iyon ang iniisip ko kanina. It makes sense why Tito
Achilles won't let this pass. Sino ba naman kasi ang palalagpasin ito? You are
living a pretty normal life and suddenly, it slaps you with a truth that you have a
grandson who's already six years old without you knowing.
"Ayos lang siguro iyon," sabi ko. "I understand Tito Achilles."
"Si Kuya, Snow, Archer, at Papa lang naman ang pupunta. My other cousins, I have
yet to tell them. I'll ask them to wait because I'm sure this is overwhelming for
our son."
Sumang-ayon ako sa sinabi niya. I'm even surprised that he allowed this. I am
expecting him to keep it a secret while he enjoys the company of my son, alone, for
the meantime. Pero kung maririnig nga naman ni Tito Achilles ang tungkol sa pagtira
ko sa condo niya, he'll go suspiscious and it will only complicate.
In the afternoon, when everything was settled, we decided to leave Nikolai's unit.
Hindi pa ako makapaniwala. Jacques was saying goodbye to the househelps but he was
positive he will be seeing them again soon. Ako naman, parang wala lang, hindi pa
naniniwala na hindi pa nag-iisang araw, mabilis na nagbago na ang mundo ko.
Mommy and Nikolai will be with us to send us off. Though, I'm sure it wasn't her
only reason. I heard her mutter curious statements to Nikolai before we decided to
leave the basement.
"Nine hundred eighty squaremeters. Kahit pagsamahin ang dalawang palapag ng condo
mo, mas malaki pa rin iyong kanya. For a single-floor penthouse, that's big," si
Mommy na biglaang tatahimik kapag nariyan si Jaxon, hindi pinapahalata ang
kuryusidad.
Sa Jaguar ako ni Jax sumakay. Jacques was with Ate Nelia behind us and our things
are with Nikolai and Mommy's Benz. Hindi na ako nagtanong tungkol sa sasakyan ko
dahil nasa tamang parking lot naman ito kinaumagahan.
Hindi kalayuan ang condo ni Jaxon sa amin at noong nakita ko kung saan iyon,
natanto kong ang karatig tore nito ay sa mga Riego nga'ng talaga. I won't be
shocked that all the skyscrapers in this place and all the developments are from
the Riegos. Ganunpaman, nasisiguro rin akong pinaghirapan niyang makamtan ito. I
have a feeling that his pride won't allow him to just accept anything without his
efforts.
Tahimik ako buong byahe at kahit nang nakarating. Lalo pa nang may iilang
naghihintay sa amin sa basement, tumulong sa pagkuha ng gamit pagkatapos ipakilala
isa-isa ni Jacques. One of them is his assistant, another one, an older woman who
looked friendly is I think a househelp. I even heard Jaxon asking her if his Tito
Ares asked why he needed her here.
So ibig bang sabihin noon, mag-isa siya sa condo niya bago ito? Ganoon nga siguro.
After all, he knows household chores. It's not shocking that he'll decide to live a
bachelor life alone. Pero sa malaking Penthouse? Maybe at some point he kept a
woman with him, huh? Nagkataon lang na wala ngayon.
Napansin ko ang titig niya sa akin. Nag-iwas ako, medyo guilty sa maraming
kababalaghang iniisip.
He's got a private elevator landing. The wooden floor greeted us and I realize
everything looked sleek and clean. Binalingan ko si Mommy nang nakita ang medyo
marangya at malawak nitong entrance gallery at living room. Moderno ang disenyo ng
lahat ng muwebles at ang mga kulay na meron, simple at elegante. Halata rin na
bachelor ang tumitira lalo na sa living room. The accent wall is dark gray,
including the racks, tables, lamps, and other things. The couch however is beige
and it complimented so well with the flooring and lighting. Contemporary art is
very present on the walls that are lit well with modern lighting.
"This is a nice design," hindi na napigilan ni Nikolai na magsalita.
Mommy was busy judging some doors. She looked curious but she didn't say a word so
it won't be obvious.
"Papa, your condo is so big! What's in here?" Jacques was busy exploring while his
father tailed him.
"That's the library. I will soon buy books for you. What do you want to read?"
"I'll list it down. Mama buys me books but sometimes it's too childish."
What?
Nagkatinginan kami ni Jaxon. I couldn't keep a straight face. Lalo na dahil kitang-
kita ko ang mayabang at mapangutya niyang baling sa akin.
Sumunod kami sa kanila dahil umiikot si Jacques. He pointed at a door and Jax
explained that it will be Ate Nelia's bedroom. There were another three smaller
rooms with bathrooms. May isa pa ulit na itinuro si Jacques. Mommy was busy
checking out Ate Nelia's bedroom when I heard Jaxon.
"This can be your temporary bedroom while I design it. O kung gusto mo, you can
sleep in our room?" si Jax.
"Oh come on! I'm not a kid anymore. Maybe, sometimes. If I want to?" mayabang na
sinabi ng anak ko.
I have a feeling that he actually wants to sleep with Jaxon again but he's just
trying to put on a big boy facade, like always. Halatang pinagyayabang sa Papa na
kaya niya na ang sarili niya. I don't think Jax's is happy about it, too but he
indulged him.
"Wow! A family room!" Jacques said in awe and after a while, they moved on to
another.
"This is your room," si Jaxon naman ngayon.
Siniko ako ni Mommy nang napadpad na sa temporary room ni Jacques. Nilingon ko
siya.
"Not bad," she said before leering at me like I'm such a big sinner.
Sinimangutan ko siya at nagpatuloy sa pagsunod sa mag-ama. They are inside Jacques'
supposed room. Hindi na ako pumasok at hinayaan muna silang mag moment habang si
Nikolai at Mommy abala sa pagchichismisan tungkol sa painting na nakita nila sa
dingding.
"So this is Mama and Papa's room?" narinig ko ang sinabi ni Jacques nang lumabas na
sila at lumipat sa isang mas malaking kuwarto.
Tumawa si Jaxon at pumasok na sa loob ng kuwartong iyon. Mommy smirked at me like
she's smelling something really bad, literally.
"I will ask if I can be in another room. Marami naman dito-"
"Quit explaining like I'm asking you questions when I didn't..." diretsahang sinabi
ni Mommy.
"Because you look so judgemental, Mommy," iritado kong sinabi.
Nauna na tuloy siya sa akin at sumungaw ang ulo niya sa loob ng master's bedroom. I
saw her lips gave an inverted smile for an unsaid "not bad" comment. Then she
pointed inside for me and Nikolai.
"There are two walk in closets and two bathrooms inside." Her lips remained on her
inverted smile curve.
Umilag si Mommy at dumiretsong titig sa isang painting nang lumabas si Jacques at
Jaxon sa master's bedroom. Jaxon then explained that the other door next to the
master's bed is his office. Beyond it is the kitchen and on another corner, the
large dining area facing the many skyscrapers. Ang hilera ng sala, dining area at
isang powder room ay parehong nakaharap sa isang continuous balcony.
We stopped when we saw the dining area ready with all the food and drinks for many
people. Alam ko kung para saan iyon bukod sa dinner namin. Tama nga ako dahil ilang
sandali lang, the buzz rang and the door in the entrance gallery opened.
Iniluwa roon si Tito Achilles, Snow, Sibal, at ang kanilang anak na lalaki. Tito
Achilles' eyes were daggers when it met Mommy's casual and calm demeanor. Hindi ko
na kailangang isipin pa kung bakit ganoon na lang ang titig ni Tito. Nasisiguro
kong sa kuwento ni Jaxon, even without dragging my Mom's name, he concluded
immediately that it was all my Mom's idea to keep Jacques a secret.
Snow's small almond eyes widened when she saw Jacques. Umatras si Mommy at Nikolai
at narinig ko ang marahang reklamo ni Mommy tungkol sa pagiging walang alam niya sa
nangyayaring ito. Tito Achilles only stopped his angry eyes when he saw who was in
front of us all.
"Good evening, Tito Achilles," sabi ko nang natantong responsibilidad ko ito.
Hinawakan ko si Jacques sa magkabilang balikat. My son then looked at Tito Achilles
with curious eyes. Snow was almost kneeling in front of him when she realized it.
"Pasensya na sa biglaang pagsasabi nito. Jacques..." marahan kong tawag sa anak.
Jaxon squatted in front of my son. He smiled at him and didn't say a word for a
little while. Kitang-kita ko naman ang pagkakamangha at pagkakabitin din ng
sasabihin ni Tito Achilles nang nakita si Jacques.
"Jacques, remember when I told you?" si Jaxon.
Tumango si Jacques, seryoso na ngayon na nakatitig sa kay Tito Achilles.
"This is your Lolo Achilles, my father. Beside him is my brother, your Tito Sibal
and then his wife, Tita Snow."
Snow pushed her son towards Jaxon. Napatitig din ako sa bata. It was a year younger
version of Jacques only with a different hairstyle.
"This is your cousin, Archer."
Jaxon was right when he said that it's all overwhelming for my son. Tahimik na
nakatitig si Jacques kay Tito Achilles nang lumuhod ito sa kanyang harapan at
yumakap sa kanya. With wet eyes and a smile, Tito Achilles embraced Jacques
repeatedly.
"Lolo," Jacques muttered.
Tito Achilles smiled more. The quick glorious moments faded in my eyes after a
while, though, when I noticed Snow. Napanood ko si Snow na lumapit kay Mommy gamit
ang galit na mga mata. She knew what my Mom did and she's clearly blaming her for
it.
She said something I didn't get and Mommy responded with a notable sarcastic glare.
Kung hindi lang siya hinawakan ni Sibal at binulungan ng kung ano, baka umiyak sa
galit si Snow sa harap ni Mommy.
Ilang sandaling tahimik at ganoon ang nangyari. Tito Achilles obviously want to
talk about it but understood that we shouldn't... at least not in front of the
kids.
I greeted Archer who looks exactly like his father but with a lighter complexion.
And I noticed how even when Sibal and Snow were hugging Jacques, my son is
curiously watching his cousin with a glint of hope for a mature playmate.
Hindi ko alam kung paano ko naatim ang pangyayari. Tito Achilles was obviously
having a bad blood for Mommy and Nikolai. Kahit pa anong gawing palakaibigang ngiti
at maayos na pananalita ni Nikolai, hindi nagbago ang titig ni Tito Achilles sa
kanya. Kaya naman, hindi ako makapaniwalang nakaya naming lahat na tahimik na
kumain sa hapag.
Maybe, it's because Sibal was a bit lighter than anyone in the room. Nasabayan niya
ang mga kuwento ni Nikolai kaya tumatahimik si Snow at kumakalma si Tito Achilles.
Jaxon was busy with Jacques while we are eating and I'm busy observing everyone in
the table. Mommy, however, only looked at her plate because Nikolai is talking
nonchalantly and Snow, in front of her, wants to murder her.
Tensyonado talaga. Kaya naging attentive ang lahat nang niyaya ni Sibal si Jacques
at Archer sa family room para manood umano ng kung anong sci-fi cartoon. It was as
if everyone looked forward to the removal of the kids on the crowd so fire can be
unleashed. Alam iyon ni Mommy. Someone as strategic as Maria Emilia knew what was
coming so she started to ask Nikolai.
"Are you done? We should go now, too. It's getting late," she said nang paalis na
si Jacques, Archer, at Sibal.
Iyon nga lang, hindi siya nagtagumpay. Bago pa siya tumayo, umulan na ang mga
tanong. And I'm ready for her, too.
"Paano nangyari ito, Tita Marem? Wala akong narinig sa'yo, noong wala kayo, kundi
ang kuwento mo tungkol sa masayang pamumuhay ni Amber kasama ang lalaking iyan!"
Snow spitted the last words as she looked at Nikolai.
Muntik nang masamid si Nikolai. I can sense him talking back but Mommy interrupted
with a collected and friendlier facade.
"Ah. I know. I was already sorry, you see, Snow. Amber already forgave me for it,
you see."
"Amber, I already heard what really happened on that day on Costa Leona from Jax's
explanation over the phone but I want to hear it from you," si Tito Achilles.
"Totoo ba ang lahat ng iyon?"
I sighed and nodded. Ngayon, si Snow naman ang bumaling kay Jaxon.
"What happened? Totoo bang nakunan, Jax? O gawa-gawa lang ni Tita?"
Tumawa si Mommy.
"Nakunan ako. Hindi namin alam, maging ng doktor, na twins ang meron ako. Jacques
twin was gone but he remained. Sa Manila ko na nalaman na ganoon nga at palabas na
kami ng bansa. I then purposely didn't tell anyone."
I can sense that they all believe me but if it's my Mom talking, they won't.
"All this time, I thought you got married and had a son privately! Then later I
realized that Tita here wrote the scheme to let everyone know lies!" si Snow. "Pero
hindi ko kailanman naisip na si Jacques ay anak ni Jax! God, I didn't even know his
name because Tita Marem refused to say so! I heard rumors but you lied to me and
denied it!"
Tumawa si Mommy. "Rant all you want Snow but I'm just protecting my daughter. Who
would have thought that Jaxon will immediately accept Jacques as his son-"
"Jacques is a spitting image of me and my son, only a fool won't believe it!" si
Tito Achilles na ngayon, namumula ang mga mata sa frustration at galit.
Nag-iwas ng tingin si Mommy at marahang nilapag ang table napkin. She then looked
at Jaxon and me. Kalmadong kalmado siya kahit si Snow at Tito Achilles ay parehong
galit sa harapan namin.
"Well, then... I'm sorry again, Jaxon, Amber, hija, Snow..." she shrugged.
"Achilles. Apparently my good intentions that time weren't good enough for your
better judgement. Huwag nang isali si Nikolai rito dahil ako naman talaga ang
puno't dulo."
"May kasalanan din ako," I said matter of factly though I know they will all still
only blame my Mom.
"Save your explanations, Amber. We all know I did most of it all so I'm sorry
again."
"You robbed my son years with his child and all you do is spit your half-hearted
sorrys, Maria Emilia?!" si Tito Achilles.
"Papa..." may banta sa tinig ni Jaxon.
Nagkatinginan ang mag ama. Tito Achilles looked so shocked. Mommy then rolled her
eyes.
"What good will it bring us to talk about what's done, really? Ewan ko."
Tumayo siya at nilingon si Nikolai. Tumayo na rin si Nikolai, slightly guiding my
Mom's elbows when they removed themselves on the dining table.
Tumayo ako. Ganoon din si Jaxon.
"And where are you going?" Tito Achilles demanded, nakatitig kay Mommy.
"To bid goodbye to my grandsons and remove myself from this party because
obviously, you only want to cast stones at me until I bleed and you're satisfied,
despite my apologies and the lack of chance to turn back time and correct whatever
I did," she said cooly and then walked out.
"Excuse me. I'm sorry for everything. I hope we'll meet again in more favorable
circumstances," pormal na nagpaalam si Nikolai at sumunod kay Mommy.
I excused myself too at sumunod na kay Mommy para makausap siya, kahit paano. May
kasalanan siya. May kasalanan din kami ni Nikolai and for sure Jaxon knows his
share of mistakes for this, too. Pero bali baliktarin ko man ang buong sitwasyon,
wala na talagang magagawa pa. However, Tito Achilles and Snow's reaction are
normal. We can't expect them to immediately accept the apology.

[ 34 Kabanata32 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 32
Grief
Tahimik kong sinundan si Mommy sa family room kasama si Nikolai. Sibal was there
with the kids. We watched Mom kneel to hug the boys. Medyo nagtagal si Mommy sa
paghalik at pagyakap kay Archer nang si Nikolai naman ang humalik at yumakap kay
Jacques.
I want to tell her many things but I guess this is not the time for it. Sumama si
Jacques, Archer, at Sibal sa amin patungo sa entrance gallery. There was no choice
but to pass through the crowd in the dining area at dahil nauna ako, nakita ko si
Tito Achilles na tulala at si Snow na nakayuko habang nagsasalita si Jaxon ng kung
ano.
Jax stopped when they saw us. Tumayo si Snow at kahit nakasimangot lumapit kay
Mommy at yumakap pa rin. Mommy kissed Snow softly on the cheek and then me.
Marahang dumantay muli ang mga mata niya sa amin bago siya ngumiti at umalis na,
kasama si Nikolai.
Jacques escorted them till the elevator. Naisip ko tuloy kung hindi ba nagsisisi si
Jacques na umalis kami kay Nikolai. His silence told me that there was a sudden
longing for him to be with Mommy but he just wouldn't admit it. Niyakap ko siya sa
likod pagkaluhod dahil kahit hindi niya sabihin, kilala ko siya.
"I'm gonna miss Lola," I said to say the words I'm sure he wanted to utter. "But
we'll visit her always."
He nodded and swallowed hard. Ngumiti ako dahil kahit ako naman. Ngayon ko lang
natanto. Sa loob ng ilang taon, hindi ko inasahan na ako mismo, mangungulila rin.
Sa bagay, ilang taon kaming magkasama lagi ni Mommy. We might not always be happy
with each other, we fight and do so many stupid mistakes together but that has
always been my relationship with her. Not perfect but very real.
I pushed back the welling tears in my eyes and swallowed the lump on my throat to
be strong in front of my son. And one swift look at his father, I know what he'll
ask for.
"Papa, we'll visit Lola soon. Or make her visit us, please!" nanginig ang boses ni
Jacques.
Jax knelt down in front of our son and nodded. He smiled.
"I'll make her visit us."
Hindi na nakabalik sina Jacques at Archer sa family room. Tito Achilles started to
ask technical questions and his eyes never left Jacques at all. Kahit pa nag-uusap
ang magpinsan at nagtatakbuhan pa minsan. Nasa dining area pa rin kami, nakatayo na
habang nag-uusap.
Snow started to enumerate Mommy's lies to her or to everyone we know. Tinanggap ko
naman ito dahil alam ko ang lahat lahat ng iyon. The way Mom spread the news to her
friends of me marrying old rich.
"I'm sorry, Amber. I know her so much but I never thought she could do this to
you," amin ni Snow.
Kinagat ko lang ang labi ko. Maybe, it's not bad to revisit the past, huh? Siguro
sa akin, tapos na ako roon, pero sa kanila na ngayon pa lang nalaman ang totoo,
bagong bago pa ang lahat.
"It was very believable. I can even imagine her pushing you to an old rich man. She
literally told me and my father that you need to be knocked up! You see? That was
her term!" frustrated na natawa si Snow.
Ngumuso ako, hindi na nagulat sa nagawa ni Mommy. It was disgusting but that's in
the past now. Nakita kong tulala si Jax habang nakikinig sa mga sinasabi ni Snow.
"You need to be knocked up by an old rich man, like a dela Vega! To marry rich and
save your name! That it's only a matter of time now, kakalat ang tungkol sa
pagkakakunan mo and she didn't want you to look bad so she's pushing you to marry
him!"
Umiling si Tito Achilles, pumikit at yumuko.
"I was screaming at her on the phone when she admitted that after she gave me the
invitation of your wedding! She was so cruel at akala ko sa akin lang, sa'yo rin
pala! I believed her because it was very possible plus the next days there were
more rumors, a blind item in a socialite tabloid, and confirmation from Klaus dela
Vega, Nikolai's son!" Snow recalled.
"It's not true. None of it was true," Jax said.
"But that was what we believed in for the past years!" si Snow.
I get it. Madali lang maniwala lalo na't alam ng lahat na nagawa rin iyan ni Mommy
sa sarili niya noon. Marry old rich man and be the most talked about socialite. It
was what she really wanted for me and if it's not because of my Dad, she would've
pulled the strings.
"Hindi ko inakalang magagawa niya ito," si Tito Achilles sa kalmadong boses.
"That was what she thought was good when she had her own prejudice of me being an
asshole, Papa."
Muling nagtagal ang tingin ni Tito Achilles kay Jax. There were unsaid questions on
his gaze to his son. At kung nagtagal pa and titig ko, tingin ko alam ko kung anu-
ano iyon. It was both shock and wonder.
"What's important is that... none of it was true. Jacques is not Nikolai's son.
He's mine. And they're here," dagdag niya.
Tumayo si Snow at niyakap ako ng mahigpit. We stayed that way for a while as she
whispered her apologies about what happened in the past.
"Inaamin ko, bukod sa buntis ako at abala sa kay Archer sa mga unang taon, one of
the reasons why I couldn't get to contact you was because I was angry with Tita. I
was even almost angry at you for obeying her!"
"I know. I'm sorry. Ako rin naman. I was mad at her and Nikolai for it. Ang mali ko
lang din, hindi ko sinubukang makipag-usap sa inyo."
It was an emotionally draining day for all of us. It was nine in the evening when
Tito Achilles called it a day. Lalo na dahil nakitang humihikab na si Jacques pero
sinusubukan pa ring sabayan si Archer.
"Pagod na siya. Ang mabuti pa, magpahinga na kayo," si Tito Achilles na nagtatagal
ang tingin sa akin bago bumabaling kay Jaxon.
Tumango si Jaxon. "Isang linggo muna akong liliban sa trabaho. I'll do light work
here instead."
Tito Achilles agreed on Jaxon's decision. "I'll see if I can visit again in the
next days."
"We surely will," si Snow sabay yakap ulit sa akin at ngiti.
Hinatid namin sila sa elevator landing at nang kami na lang ang naiwan,
nagkatinginan kami ni Jax. Somehow, I couldn't look at him in the eye. Maybe
because when I look at him, a new wave of emotion will cut through me and I'm
already drained. I can't take that kind of emotion for the day because I know it
will only drain me more.
Sabay kaming umalis doon, nagtataka kung nasaan na ang anak. We both found Jacques
in the sofa of the living room, fast asleep and purring. Jaxon went to him and
after caressing his hair for a few moments, marahan niya na itong inangat sa
kanyang bisig.
Wala na siyang sinabi. Sumunod na lang ako sa kung saan niya dadalhin si Jacques. I
sighed my relief when I saw that he's bringing him in the master's bedroom. I knew
then that although he wants to be generous to Jacques, there was no way he'll miss
a chance to sleep with him if there's an opportunity.
Hindi na rin ako nagprotesta pa. I am so drained that I think everything that
happened today and yesterday is my limit. Hindi ko na kayang makipagtalo, makipag-
away, o kahit ano pa kay Jaxon. Anyway, when I look at him watching my son, his
longing and passion for Jacques is just overflowing. I wouldn't dare complain or
get mad at him for that.
He dimmed the lights of the room. Naupo siya sa tabi ni Jacques habang tahimik
itong pinagmamasdang natutulog sa gitna ng kama, kinakain ng kutson at kumot. He
looks so comfortable on the bed that somehow the draining days were worth it for
me.
Inisip ko ang aking luggage. My last memory of it was when the househelp pushed it
to somewhere. Inisip kong baka nasa iilang kuwarto rito. I opened the door to the
walk in closet which will eventually lead to the bathroom and saw my luggage
standing in there.
Huminga ako ng malalim. Maybe the househelp was just misinformed. Pinadapa ko ang
luggage ko para sana buksan pero napansin kong magaan na iyon. Kunot noo kong
mabilisang binuksan at nakitang wala na ngang laman! I opened the mirrored sliding
doors of the walk in closets and saw my clothes properly hanged! Konti lang ang
dala ko kaya konti lang din ang naroon.
Ilang sandali kong tinitigan ang itsura nila. Sa huli, sumuko na at nagpatuloy. The
large bathroom with a jacuzzi was very pretty and modern - it is all white and
accented only with wooden things like the sink and the plant. The Jacuzzi is facing
a large mirror window that overlooked the skyscrapers of the south. There's a glass
door leading to the toilet and another glass door to the shower.
Kinuha ko ang tuwalya sa ilalim ng malaking sink at gumamit na ng banyo. While
showering, all I think about are the videos on my phone. Kaninang umaga ko pa iyon
iniisip na ipakita kay Jax. If he wasn't asleep when I come out of here, I would
then let him borrow my phone to see all of it.
Pagkatapos kong maligo at mag-ayos, nagpalit na sa isang wholesome na cotton pajama
at lumabas na roon. I turned to Jax who was now in his bathrobe, with damp hair,
and still watching my son sleeping.
His room was wide. May sariling tanggapan at malaking couch. Although the bed was
big, I couldn't help but think of alternatives if in case there's a problem with
it. I shrugged it all off and started walking towards the bed.
Hindi niya ako nilingon. Kahit pa noong pumunta na ako sa kabilang side ng bed kung
saan tingin ko dapat akong pumuwesto. He was watching Jacques carefully and
caressing his short hair languidly.
"Hindi ka pa matutulog?" marahan kong tanong.
Nag-angat siya ng tingin. The lights were very dim at ang nakabukas lang, nasa may
couch pa kaya medyo malayo sa amin. Hindi ko tuloy mabasa ang tingin niya at baka
magkamali pa ako sa nakikitang pagod at sakit. Baka antok lang siya.
"I'll stay up for a little while," he said.
Tumango ako at kinuha ang oportunidad na iyon na kunin ang cellphone ko.
"Jacques is a light sleeper so it might not be a good idea to watch it here unless
you have earphones," panimula ko sabay ayos sa cellphone para mapadpad sa tamang
album.
His brows furrowed and looked hesitant to get my phone from me. Nang tinanggap
niya, hindi na natanggal ang mga mata niya roon.
"That's a compilation of videos and pictures of him when he was younger. Naka album
'yan simula noong infancy until our last days in the U.S. Kung gusto mo lang
naman," sabi ko.
His jaw clenched. Dahan-dahan siyang tumayo ako naman ngayon ang umupo sa kama.
"I'll watch it," he said huskily without looking at me.
"Okay."
He did.
Umalis siya roon sa kama o tabi ng kama at lumipat sa couch. Humiga na ako at
inayos na ang kumot. I kissed Jacques and saw him move a bit from that. I whispered
my good night and love reminder before covering myself with the comforter.
Pumikit ako. Kahit na hindi naman naka earphones, hindi na masyadong rinig ang
videos dito sa kama. Umangat ako ng konti para tingnan kung nanonood ba siya. He's
sitting down with his back on us as the videos keep playing on my phone. Pumikit
ulit ako at sinubukang matulog pero nagdaan ang labing limang minuto, hindi ako
makatulog.
I tried to take a peek at him again and even when his back was on us, I saw his
expression on the mirrors. Sapo niya ang kanyang noo, massaging the bridge of his
nose. Every now and then, I see him closing his eyes so hard and when it opens
again, it looked so tired and bloodshot even under the soft yellow lights. Mas lalo
akong hindi inantok.
After a long while of watching videos after videos, I heard him struggle to inhale.
I didn't move. I knew then what he's feeling. Unti-unti akong dumungaw ulit pero
bago ko siya mapanood, wala na siya roon. The door closed softly and I knew he's
out.
Ilang sandali akong nanatili roon, iniisip na kailangan ko nang matulog. His
reaction was normal. I am guilty of it. Looking back, it was a hard decision but I
made it in between grief, anger, sorrow, and vengeance. Iyon ang totoo. Nagalit ako
sa kanya para sa nawala kong anak. The day I learned of my pregnancy was the day I
lost Jacques' twin. I blamed Jaxon for it that I think he deserved to not know
anything after that.
Alam ko ang ginawa ni Nikolai at Mommy pagkatapos noon pero isa rin ako sa
nagpaubaya sa kanila sa parehong dahilan kung bakit ko siya iniwan ng walang alam.
I blamed him for it. I blamed him for losing Jacques twin.
And I blamed myself, too. The years of blaming, though, was paid when I struggled
to raise Jacques alone while bracing a storm in the family. Siya, hindi. Hindi niya
naman kasi alam na nandyan si Jacques. Ang alam niya lang, nawalan kami ng anak. So
I wonder... I wonder if he blamed himself for it, too. Maybe he didn't, huh? He was
a selfish notorious playboy who think only of himself.
Mas lalo tuloy akong hindi makatulog. Umahon ako pagkatapos ng ilang sandali dahil
pakiramdam ko, aabutin na naman ako ng umagang dilat. Not a good thing since I have
an appointment tomorrow for a go-see. Hindi option ang lumiban lalo na kung
naaalala ko kung ano ang ginawa ni Mommy sa pera namin. Most especially now that I
think about it, she might be very stressed and tomorrow, I'll be broke if she
indulges herself into her usual retail therapy. I need to cut her on my accounts.
For sure!
Habang iniisip iyon, hindi ko namalayan na lumabas na ako sa kuwarto. I put on a
night gown and braced the doorway. The large hallways were silent. There was no
trace of anyone around. Marahan akong bumuntong-hininga at naisip kung nasaan si
Jax.
He might be very devastated now thinking about the years without him in Jacques
life. Gaya ng sinabi ko kanina, isa sa dahilan ko ng pagtatago ay ang paghihiganti.
I should be happy now that he seems devastated and emotional but why don't I feel
it. Instead... I'm just nothing but worried.
Naglakad ako patungo sa mga pintuan ng sumunod na kuwarto. Dahan-dahan ang
paglalakad ko, iniisa-isa ang bawat painting, bawat pintuan at detalye roon. I
sighed heavily when I reached the library and saw no one. The living room that's
next on my sight was bare, too. The large glass sliding door was not open but the
curtains were parted for me to see the rest of the skyscrapers of the west.
Humalukipkip ako at tumitig doon.
Where do you think is he?
Nagtiim-bagang ako at lumapit sa glass door. I opened it and immediately the cold
wind blew my long hair. I shuddered but continued opening it wholly. I inhaled and
remained standing in between the dimming lights and the darkness of the balcony.
The wind whirled around in a poignant way because we're in a topmost floor of a 70-
storey tower.
Niyakap ko ang sarili ko at hinagod ang magkabilang balikat habang nanatiling
nakatitig sa mistulang bituing mga ilaw galing sa natatanaw na mga lugar. Did he
leave? He went out to forget? Can't take it? Mapait kong kinunot ang noo at mas
lalong hinigpitan ang yakap sa sarili.
Funny how after every little heartache, there is still an urn that's only triggered
when it's about him. Funny how even when years have gone and I say I moved on,
there is a powerful force out there, sleeping... hiding. Iyon ang dahilan kung
bakit takot na takot ako sa kanya. Iyon ang dahilan kung bakit ayoko, kahit anong
mangyari. Ayoko na ulit. The fragment of the real Amber is hiding in that urn, only
unleashed by him. That fragment of me is the ugliest part of my being. I don't like
it. I want to bury it. I want to deny it. I want to kill it.
This is the only reason why I can't give myself a chance. This is the reason why i
would choose years of mediocrity and blandness than years of rollercoaster ugly
emotions. Hinding hindi ko na gagawin iyon, ulit ko sa sarili. Uulit-ulitin ko ito
habang kaya ko. Uulitin ko habang nakakapag-isip pa ako. Uulitin ko habang tulog pa
ang halimaw na ako sa loob ng bangang iyon.
For a fleeting moment, I felt him behind me. He wasn't really keeping his presence
a secret so I turned slowly. Kalmado ako pero nagbago ang hugis ng mga mata nang
nakita ko siya. He looked so broken with bloodshot eyes. His dark gray eyes was
burning with a potent storm. His furrowed brows made my heart fall. His whole
expression is screaming with raw longing, loss, regret, grief, and begging.
I was about to say something light because I didn't like how he looked. Even when I
have ill feelings for him, my heart is falling for the image of my son, the only
love of my life, hurt and sorrowful.
Napasinghap ako nang yumuko siya at marahang lumuhod sa aking harap. My eyes
widened more as I watched his shaking hand clutched mine and pulled me softly.
Gusto kong kumawala dahil tumindi ang pintig ng puso ko pero sa paraan ng pagkuha
niya sa akin, wala akong kawala.
"Jax..." I called to stop him but there's no stopping him.
He pulled me towards him while he's kneeling in front of me. His arms wrapped
around my legs like a little child looking for comfort. His hands were fisted
strongly as he hugged me so tight, his head on my stomach, hiding his entire face
from anyone.
"Jax!" muli kong tawag sabay tulak sa kanya.
Hinawakan ko ang kanyang balikat at marahan siyang tinulak.
"Ano ba?" I said softly, not wanting to sound rude when he's obviously in so much
pain.
Nanginig na rin ang boses ko. Kahit anong subok ko na gawing magaan ang pangyayari,
hindi ko kaya. What happened was already in the past. I was hurt and I've gone
through it already. There isn't a day I don't think about our lost child but
sometimes, my thoughts are drowned by the many present happenings. Dala na rin
siguro na matagal na iyon pero sa kanya ngayon, nararamdaman kong nagbabalik ang
lahat.
"Jax..."
Nanghihina siya kaya nang tinulak ko, medyo kumalas. He felt it that he made his
embrace tighter.
"Saglit lang," his muffled and strained voice said.
Bumagsak ang mga luha ko habang pinagmamasdan siyang nakaluhod sa harap ko, yakap
ako, at ang mukha nasa aking tiyan. Kinagat ko ang labi ko at sa huli, bumuntong-
hininga. Nangangatog ang mga kamay ko habang hinahayaan itong lumapat sa kanyang
buhok. He was like a large kid wanting comfort.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry."
His voice sounded so broken. Hindi ko nakayanan. Mas lalo pang bumuhos ang mga luha
ko. Pumikit ako ng mariin at tinabunan ang bibig ng palad para hindi humikbi.
Hindi niya man sinabi kung para saan, may palagay ako kung ano ang tinutukoy niya.
With my two hands, I covered my face because my tears won't stop falling. Mas lalo
lang dumaloy ang luha ko tuwing nararamdaman ko ang mas lalong paghigpit ng yakap
niya. As if squeezing me would comfort both of us. As if his embrace of me would
take all the pain away from him... and from me.
Ilang sandali kaming nanatiling ganoon ang ayos, walang sinasabi. The only noise I
can hear is our struggled inhales. I concentrated on my breathing and looked down
on him. He remained that way.
"Sana hindi ako seloso. Sana binalewala ko na lang 'yon!" he muttered a violent
curse and buried his face again in my stomach.
Biting my lower lip, I supressed another set of tears. Binagsak ko ang isa kong
kamay at marahang hinawakan ang kanyang buhok. My eyes softened as I watch him. I
let myself go... for the first time... in years. I let myself care for him. I
stroked his hair and I felt him struggle more.
"I didn't have a relationship with Rowena," he said in between his struggles to
enhale.
Ngumuso ako, parang nilulukot ang puso habang pinagmamasdan siyang nanginginig sa
takot, pagsisisi, panghihinayang, at matinding sakit.
"I didn't even fucking kiss her. I pulled her to make it seem so because I was
mad!" his voice broke.
My lips parted and after a while, muli akong yumuko. Pinikit ko ang mga mata ko.
Humigpit ang yakap niya.
"I'm sorry," he said in a shaking voice.
Dumilat ako at kinagat muli ang labi. Parang pinupunit ang puso ko nang natanto
kung ano ang susunod na sasabihin at bakit ko iyon sasabihin.
"May kasalanan din naman ako, Jax. I was childish. I let myself get drunk in a bar,
let myself kiss someone else while we were together."
He uttered a violent curse and he shook his head. "If I was just a little bit
fucking understanding!"
I swallowed hard and breathed heavily.
"Hindi ko rin naalagaang mabuti ang sarili ko noon."
"Dahil ako dapat ang nag-aalaga sa'yo-"
"Tama na..." mapait kong sinabi nang natantong sa huli, pareho kaming may kasalanan
at tapos na iyon.
It's all in the past. We should celebrate and remember our lost angel as we
celebrate and take care of Jacques.
"May mga bagay na hindi para sa atin. Even if we were then careful, if he or she
wasn't for us, we'll never have it."
He shook his head, not convinced of what I said. His embrace only remained tight.
It was like he's more convince that he can play god and control the things in the
past. It was as if he's so sure that if he did everything right, everything will
also fall into place. Ang totoo, hindi. We can only hope to have that power but if
the Will says we couldn't, it will never happen. His mind seems so closed. His
heart in so much pain and darkness.
"I'm sorry," he uttered again.
Dinungaw ko siya at marahang hinaplos ulit ang buhok. He was sweating so much and
his head very hot. Huminga ako ng malalim at pinagpatuloy ang ginagawa sa
malalambot na mga mata. Here is the man who hurt me the most, the man who's danger
for me, the man I could never get myself to love again for my own good. But then, I
wonder. Even when my darkness is inside that urn, does the angel Amber love this
man? Paano kung hindi lang ang kadiliman ko ang baliw sa kanya? Paano kung pati ang
matinong parte ko, mahal siya?
Isang oras o mahigit pa. Hindi ko alam kung ilan ang naubos namin habang yakap niya
ako ng mahigpit at tahimik. When he decided to let go of me, his head was down when
he uttered his words in a serious and dark way.
"I'm sorry. Magpahinga ka na."
Bitterness filled me as I watch him kneeling in front of me with hands sagging
beside him. He wants me to leave him.
Dahan-dahan akong lumuhod sa kanyang harapan. Mas lalo siyang yumuko. He doesn't
want me to see how broken he is but I've already felt and seen it, Jax. Tinagilid
ko ang ulo ko para hanapin ang mga mata niya.
"Dito ka lang?"
He nodded and his jaw clenched.
As usual, my Jaxon Riego has his own way of things. Sometimes, I feel like I'm his
world but at times I feel like an outsider. Nanatili akong nakatitig sa kanya.
"Hindi ka pa matutulog?"
Alam kong mahihirapan siyang matulog. I understand his decision but somehow, I
couldn't dare think about him alone in here. Nag-angat ng tingin ang namumula
niyang mga mata. Those ruthless dark gray eyes I loved so much.
Then I noticed where my son got that pretend move. Tumayo siya, astang malakas,
hindi nanghihina. His large frame was screaming of power and authority but I can
see through him. He's so broken right now. He's only pretending to be okay. He bent
a bit to take my hand and pull me up.
He sighed heavily after a few moments before he concluded.
"Matulog na tayo."
Iyon lang at wala nang iba.
Tahimik kaming dalawa pagdating sa kuwarto. He turned some lights off leaving two
dim lights. Humiga siya sa tabi ni Jacques habang nakatingin ako sa kanya. He was
all silent as he watched Jacques in his deep sleep. Biglang nagtama ang mga mata
namin. Marahan kong inayos ang aking kumot bago pumikit.
I was sure I slept first. Not even sure if he managed to sleep at all. Basta
kinaumagahan, ginising na lang ako ni Jacques sa kanyang ingay. He was up early and
Jax was, too. I'm sure because of Jacques news early in the morning.
"Papa cooked us breakfast! Mama, Papa knows how to cook!" he said when my eyes
opened.
Hindi ako makangiti. Medyo naaalala ko pa ang nangyari kagabi.
"Good morning!" he said merrily.
My son is always serious and critical. The past few days have been good for him.
Naramdaman kong nahaluan ng konting saya ang disposisyon niya.
"Really?" I said.
"Yes! We should try it now! He's done! Come on! Wake up!"
Pagod akong bumangon at kinusot ang mga mata.
"Jacques, I'll just shower first. Magbibihis din ako."
Nagtaas ng kilay si Jacques. His judgy and serious eyes is here and I wish he
remained innocent and jolly, though.
"I have a go-see," I explained. "Magtatrabaho ako. You should spend more time with
your Papa alone."
"Alright. We'll wait for you on the dining area for the breakfast," then he walked
out probably to report to his father.
At least ginising ako. Kung hindi malilate ako. Speaking of work, how will I get
there when I have no car. Buying a new one isn't an option. Should I contact
Nikolai and ask him to put the car here? Bibili pa ba ako ng parking space? Oh my
gosh! Where are you, money?
Naligo at nagbihis ako. I'm wearing a long dark jeans to emphasize my legs and some
simple Steve Madden ankle strap black stilletos. My top is a black sweetheart tube
top. I blow dried my hair till it's straight and shiny, my Chanel chain clutch, and
I'm done.
Ngayon ko lang napansin na malawak pala talaga ang condo na ito. The hallways are
like the catwalk. May chance pa akong mag overthink habang naglalakad. Iniisip ko
kung bakit ganito kalaki ang condo niya. I get that he probably wants a penthouse
unit but I can't help but wonder about the other rooms. Women?
Isinantabi ko ang kaisipang iyon. Not the time to think too much because my hectic
schedule is screaming on my face. Ate Nelia was the only person in that dining area
who looked at me and then minded her own business after. Kasi parehong nakatitig ng
medyo seryoso at madilim ang tingin ng dalawang pares ng mga mata.
Jaxon seemed fresh even when I was sure he had no sleep. How unfair. He was near
the counter top, preparing something in his white shirt and gray cotton short
pants. Jacques is sitting on the dining table with sharp eyes as he looked at my
attire. His father did it, too, but with much precision.
"Morning..." I greeted and looked at the food in front of my son.
It's a usual breakfast. Scrambled egg, bacon, hotdog, pancakes. I was about to
comment about it when Jax put some newly prepared vegetable dish in front of
Jacques. Kaya tinikom ko na lang ang bibig ko dahil andyan na pala ang gusto kong
icomment.
"I took a leave from work," Jax said seriously.
Kahit ayaw niyang maging tunog demanding sa alam kong gusto niyang mangyari, hindi
pa rin nakatakas sa akin iyon. He wanted me to take a leave from work too.
"Your schedule for the next shoots are still next week?" tanong iyon pero alam kong
alam niya na.
Tumango ako. "Oo. Pero may go-see ako para sa isang fashion show."
He nodded and looked away. Inabala niya ang sarili kay Jacques. Naupo ako at kumuha
na ng makakain. Naupo na rin si Jax at tahimik na kumuha ng sarili niyang pagkain.
In the middle of an awkward silence, our eyes met. It startled me so I immediately
turned to my son. However, I noticed how Jacques was watching us very carefully.
"No chance of rescheduling it?" he said it carefully.
"Hindi ako puwedeng mag request ng ganoon. The industry will go on and follow their
schedule even without me. I'm not in the position to reschedule things like these."
Tumango naman si Jax na tila ba naiintindihan niya iyon. Nagtagal ang tingin ko sa
kanya kaya nabasa kong nag-iisip pa siya ng paraan.
"Where is it?" was his next question.
"Makati. It's for an annual show of a big local brand. It's on my phone. By the
way..." I paused. "Uh, my phone?"
His lips twisted. Nilapag niya ang isang itim na mas malaking cellphone sa harap
ko.
"I'm not yet done. Use mine for the mean time. I'll forward any text message or
email. Just text or call me if you need any information that's on your phone."
Gusto kong magprotesta kaso lang... his reason seems legit. He's not done watching
it so he can't part with it. It's the precious memories of Jacques so... reason
approved. Somehow.
Kinuha ko ang cellphone niya. I saw his eyes drift on his phone and when I put it
inside my clutch. Nagpatuloy kami sa pagkain ng tahimik. So far, the morning seemed
alright until I heard my son.
"You know, Papa, I always ask Lola then if we can go to Mama's work. She'd always
say no. She'd rather sleep all day or go to some social activities."
Jax glanced at me. I know exactly what he's thinking right now and I can sense that
he's being careful.
"What do you mean by that, Jacques?" I probed.
He shrugged and smirked.
"Hindi pa siya nakakabisita sa mga trabaho mo?" Jax asked simply and I can almost
taste the implied meaning.
Bago pa magkaroon ng mga susunod na desisyon, tumayo na ako at tinapos na ang
pagkain sa pamamagitan ng pag-inom ng konting tubig.
"You have a driver," sabi ni Jax bago pa ako makapagtanong.

[ 35 Kabanata33 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 33
Family
I have a driver just like what he said. Sinamahan nila ako pababa ng basement. The
both of them are still in their house clothes when they decided to come and send me
off. The way Jaxon eyed me darkly made me feel like if Jacques wasn't here, he
would've volunteered to drive me to work or something.
Iniwan ko sila roon. Habang palayo ang sasakyan at sa salamin ko lang sila
tinitingnan, nakikita ko ang pagkakaparehas. Both of them are intently watching the
car go without any movement, all serious.
I know a lot has happened for the past days but work won't understand that. Based
on experience, kahit na ma late ako noon sa maayos na rason patungkol sa anak,
walang awa akong hindi tatanggapin o ipag aaudition ng kliyente. That is real life
in this industry. You have to be the monster or it will eat you up. Everyone is
struggling but your clients won't care.
Kahit pa marami dapat akong gawin ngayon. The most important thing I am sacrificing
for today is being with Jacques. He's new to the place and even though he's with
his father, his hero, I still think he will need me in this important transition.
Bukod pa sa wala si Mommy o si Nikolai.
Andon naman si Ate Nelia kaya kahit hindi pa namin napag-uusapan ni Jax ang mga
hobby at kailangang kainin ng anak ko, he would be informed. Or he can actually
just ask Jacques about it. Bukod pa sa pinoproblema kong iyon, tinatawagan ko pa
ang financial adviser ko at ang agent ko para makausap tungkol sa perang papasok sa
akin at sa accounts ko.
It's a usual go-see. We were asked to sit in monoblock chairs as we wait for the
call inside a bare room with the clients and their judges. Pagkatapos ng tawag ko
sa aking agent, muntikan ko nang nakalimutan na para ito sa isang local brand at
hindi iyong sa isang editorial gowns. Mamaya pa palang hapon iyon! Nagkakahalo na
ang isipan ko.
"What should I do? Should I save the digits?"
"No, please. This is just a temporary number. Sorry. Uh, puwedeng makahingi ng
number na rin ni Mr. Garcia?" I said after explaining to my agent about my weird
sudden change of phone.
There were familiar faces near me. Habang nasa cellphone ko, madalas kong mahuli
ang iilang tingin sa akin ng mga kasabayang modelo. I get that maybe they have a
prejudice of me for being a model of a famous and prestigious agency. I honestly
think it's better if I socialize so their negative prejudices of me will go but I'm
really kind of busy.
Tumatayo kami paminsan-minsan kapag napapasok na ang mga naunang modelo sa loob
para punan ang iniwan nilang upuan. Iilan lang yata ang kukunin. This fashion show
will include big local artists and the models will only serve us background. Malaki
ang offer, ayon sa agent ko lalo na dahil sa credentials ko so I'm here.
"Amber Sevilla?" tawag sa akin kahit na medyo malayu-layo pa naman ako sa linya.
"Uh, Sir, sorry to interrupt," I said to the financial adviser.
"Oh. Sure. Sure. No problem. Are you busy?"
"Yeah. I'm in the middle of an audition. Nasa Makati ka po? Can we just meet
instead? I think I can squeeze in a lunch meeting with you para mas klaro nating
mapag-usapan ito. If you're fine with that, of course."
Tumayo na ako at dire-diretsong naglakad sa pintuan at bumagal lang nang hinintay
ang sasabihin ng financial adviser.
"Sure! Where?"
"I'll text you the details. Thank you so much!"
"You're welcome!"
Binaba ko na ang cellphone ko at tuluyan na ngang pumasok sa loob ng room. it was a
bare black room with some cameras, lights, and a green background. Ang mga nanonood
ay ang mismong may-ari ng local brand, some renown actress-ambassador, big model-
stars, and the creative staff. Miss Tamara Lopez was there and she greeted me
merrily.
I know the people. Lalo na iyong may-ari dahil kilala ni Mommy. Tumayo ang renown
actress para makipagbeso sa akin.
"Amber, kumusta?"
"I'm fine, Tita. Thank you."
I kissed the owner, as well and hugged some family friends in the crowd. Kinurot
ako ng owner, a chubby middle age man who's wearing an all gray attire. Tumawa ako.
"Kung hindi pa tumawag ang agent mo, I wouldn't know that you're outside! Sana
dumiretso ka rito!" sabi niya.
Tumawa ako. "No, it's okay. I'm always prepared for the waiting. It's part of my
day."
Natawa rin ang may-ari at ilang sandali, ipinakilala ako sa isang aktor na
nakatitig sa akin doon. I know this man. He became a household name when Zander,
Eury's love team when she was still active, got in a cruel scandal. I don't watch
TV, lalo pa ang Philippine TV, but these names are hard to ignore when they are the
top in their fields.
"Amber, nga pala. Have you met Harry Legaspi before?"
The man, probably in his late twenties, stood up and held out a hand. He's a bit
taller than me and I can see why everyone is talking about him. He's good looking
and charming - that means he's pleasing to the eye... nice to look at... friendly
to look at. Ngumuso ako nang may naalalang lalaki na hindi ko kayang tawagin noong
guwapo dahil lang kahit na guwapo naman talaga, medyo...
"Actually, no. But I've heard of him. Of course, sobrang sikat. I'm Amber," sabi ko
at tinanggap na ang kamay niya.
"Harry. Nice to meet you. I'm actually a fan of you. Naka follow ako sa social
media handles mo."
"Really?" I'm shocked. "I didn't know. I'm sorry. Sige. I'll have it checked."
"That's okay," he smiled charmingly.
"Oh the chemistry! That's good!"
Pumalakpak si Michael, iyong owner ng brand. Nagulat ako.
"I'm planning kasi to have you both grace the runway together."
Napakurap-kurap ako roon. "W-Wait... Really? I mean. Hindi pa ako nakakapag
audition." Itinuro ko ang green background.
Michael sighed. "Kailangan pa ba 'yon? Well, go on and we'll see. But it's already
a deal! I want you in my annual fashion show. You can't miss this! Ang suwerte ko
nga na nakauwi ka ngayon. Malas lang noong sexy magazine at katatapos lang ng
fashion show nila. I'm sure you'll be offered if you only got here a bit earlier."
I laughed.
"I've seen your Carribean resorts photoshoot..." he recalled as I grace the front
for the VTR. Habang nagsasalita siya, sinusubukan ko namang mag project. "You were
smoking hot! Hindi halatang may anak ka na! As in! What did you do? Just work out?
No rib... you know."
Umiling ako. "Work out and diet lang, Michael."
"Sa bagay. Maria Emilia still has it. I've seen her pics on Manila Pen in her red
bikini. Girl, jaw dropping. Ageing beautifully. It runs in the blood, huh?"
"Turn, please," the camera man asked and I did.
"She's so giving the media and showbiz so much turn and noise right now dahil sa
pagbabalik niya. Her fashion and her opinion matters so much that everyone is just
putting her in articles."
"Yeah, that's my mom," sabi ko nang nagpakita na ng approve sign ang camera man.
Michael, then, stopped it all and made Harry come to me. "Chemistry test."
I nodded and smiled at Harry. Tinitigan niya ako. He seems very professional. Kasi
nang sinabing magtitigan, walang pagdadalawang-isip at walang hiya-hiya siyang
tumitig sa akin. I smiled at him.
"Perfect!" si Michael. "Closer, please? Uh. Harry, pahawak ng legs ni Amber. Amber,
race it a bit. Basically, I want you to do that pose on the run way."
Tumango ako at ginawa ang sinabi ni Michael. I watched Harry intensely and he did
the same when he noticed how I projected. His eyes drifted on my nose then my lips
while I remain on his soft friendly eyes.
Kahit wala sa gusto ni Michael, he tilted me and strained his legs and arm.
Napakapit tuloy ako sa kanya, medyo kinabahan pero agad ding nakuha. Lalo pa nang
pumalakpak si Michael.
"Perfect! Sige, Harry! Ganyan nga!"
Inilapit niya rin ang ilong niya sa akin hanggang sa muntik nang magtama ito. The
other staff clapped their hands. Nang umayos kami ni Harry, nagtagal ang tingin
niya sa akin samantalang dumiretso ako kay Michael at tumawa.
"That was hot! I need that for the actual! Ganoon dapat, okay? Ang galing!"
"Yeah, well. Ang galing ni Harry," sabay sulyap ko sa kanya.
Nakatingin sa akin ang aktor at ngumiti. He bowed a bit like it was his pleasure to
work with me.
"You just met and the chemistry is oozing! I'm so pleased! This will be one for the
books!"
"Thank you, Michael. I'm excited."
"I'll schedule your fitting, immediately. The contract is with your agent and siya
na raw bahala ang magpa sign sa'yo noon. By the way, do you have time this lunch?"
Bigo akong ngumiti. "I'm sorry, I have an appointment."
"Aww. I was about to ask you for a lunch out with the team. Nasa kabilang kuwarto
na ang ibang modelo na kinuha ko. Still got work to do but I was hoping you'll be
free later at eleven thirty."
Umiling ulit ako. "Sorry, I have an appointment. Babawi na lang ako."
"Sige," he smiled widely. "You owe me that, huh! I'll call you to invite you one of
these days."
"No problem."
"Single ka naman, 'di ba? No problem din ang sexy theme? I mean, I know you're a
pro model pero may magagalit ba o dapat kong kausapin muna?"
"Hmm. Wala naman. And yeah, I'm single. It's just my son but he understands my work
and he's okay with it."
"Oh. Will your son watch the show?" he asked. "I'll reserve you the best seats."
I wrinkled my nose. "Not sure, yet. He gets bored at runways. I'll try my Mom.
Maybe she'll watch it."
"Okay. Noted!"
I noticed that they have let another model in so I shrugged and glanced at Harry
beside me.
"Shall I proceed to the fitting now?"
"Sure, please!"
Sumulyap ulit ako kay Harry na kanina pa tahimik an nakikinig. "Good luck!"
"Thanks. See you around." Tipid akong ngumiti at umalis na roon.
Sa sunod na room naman ngayon nakita ko kung sinu-sino na ang mga nakuhang modelo.
Dahil muntik akong na late, hindi ko na sila naabutan pa sa waiting area. Kiara and
the three models I was with on the Uni project were there. It turns out, they are
friends. Or it's just that... most of the models here know each other. Baguhan ako
rito kaya wala ako mas'yadong kilala. Hindi lang sila ang namumukhaan ko, Kiara's
entourage were also accepted and their sharp eyes went to me when I entered.
"Amber Sevilla," sabi ko sa iginiyang babae sa akin.
The woman nodded and started to snare a tape measure at me. Natahimik ang grupo
nina Kiara nang pumasok ako at hanggang ngayong sinusukatan na ako.
"Hi, Amber! Nakapasok ka rin dito? Kakilala mo si Michael?" a random familiar model
asked.
Nag-angat ako ng tingin. "Uh, yeah. He's a family friend."
"Ahh. Kaya pala!" she smirked and glanced at her group.
I let the sarcasm pass. Hindi magiging sukatan ang mga panghuhusga nila sa akin. I
had connections abroad but it was a rough climb. Clients don't see connections as
strength. Sa dami naming may koneksyon doon at sa konti ng kukunin nila, nasa skill
pa rin ang labanan sa huli. My experiences defines me, not their opinion of me now.
"Nasa mamaya ka rin? Annie Schiffer ba? For editorial?"
"Yeah but I'm aiming for other designers as well. Kayo?"
"Ganoon din."
"Good luck with that!" singit ni Kiara. "I landed on Spinelli. Susubukan ko na lang
kay Annie Schiffer. For sure you want to try Royo, too?"
Ang huling binanggit niya ang natatanging target ko mamaya. Though, I want to get
Annie Schiffer again but I'm also aiming for Royo because his unconventional
designs are very famous in European countries now.
"Nakakuha na siya ng models niya. Not anymore looking for more models. He's got the
best of the country, Canary, Carrie, name it."
Canary. That woman. Well, she was classy and looks like she could really pass for a
Royo offer. Nagtaas ako ng kilay sa kay Kiara.
"The best of the country models? Pero wala ka roon?"
Natahimik si Kiara ng ilang sandali. Some of her "friends" laughed at her. It was
obvious they didn't like her. She glared at them for one time before she answered
me.
"Because I got busy. It's too late. Duh!" sabi niya at nilingon muli ang mga
kaibigan. "Let's go, girls. The industry really shouldn't include bitter momma's.
It's so out of character!" she murmurred bago lumabas sa pintuan kasama ang mga
kaibigan.
Suminghap ako at nagpatuloy na lang sa ginagawa. Everyone was busy so they didn't
have much time to comment on whatever it was. Ilang sandali pa ang lumipas, I was
cleared. Nagpapaalam na ako sa kumuha ng sukat ko nang pumasok si Harry doon.
Nagkasalubong kami.
"You're done?"
"Yes. katatapos lang."
"Oh. Uh... You have an appointment, right?"
"Yup. Pakisabi na lang kay Michael na babawi talaga ako next time. I have hurry."
"Boyfriend?" nagtaas siya ng kilay.
"No. Financial adviser, actually."
"Ahh. Sige, sige."
I waved at him and pushed the door open to find more girls in the lobby and some
men. Hindi na katakataka na ganoon ang itsura ng lobby. It was like the end of the
hectic audition and their boyfriends are here to congratulate them. Some were
crying, some looked angry. Naroon pa sina Kiara at ang kanyang mga kaibigan,
nagtatawanan sa gilid at may tinitingnan.
"Bye, Amber!" one of Kiara's model friends said.
Ngumiti lang ako at kumaway. Dumiretso ako sa hindi crowded na parte ng lobby.
Didiretso na sana ako palabas nang may tumayo sa isa sa mga sofa. Nakuha niya ang
tingin ko kaya napatingin ulit ako.
"See, Kiara. Siya ang hinihintay niyan!" I heard the one who just said goodbye to
me said.
Muntik na akong umirap. Kung hindi ko lang nakita si Jacques na tumayo rin sa
katabing sofa, baka nga ginawa ko na!
Napatingin-tingin ako sa paligid. Pati sa pinanggalingan ko and some models were
already attentive with my rendezvous with Jax here! Lalo pa nang tumayo si Jacques
sa gitna naming dalawa.
"Why are you here?" tanong ko.
"We missed you, Mama," sagot ni Jacques.
Lumuhod ako sa tabi niya para makahalik bago tumayo ulit. Jax looked at me darkly.
He's wearing a casual white knitted longsleeves that hugged his body and biceps so
well he looked hot, a black properly-ironed trousers, and a dark brown leather
shoes. I swallowed hard and looked at my son who's wearing an almost the same
outfit! Ni hindi ko maalala kung meron ba si Jacques ng ganoon o baka binilhan niya
kanina bago pa sila napadpad dito.
"We'll eat lunch together and, uh, I'll drive you to your next appointments," sagot
ni Jax.
Bago pa ako nakapagsalita, may lumapit na sa aming lalaki na nakilala si Jaxon. I
heard the man expressed his adoration for Jax's works in his pharmaceutical
company, whatever he's doing there. Pagkatapos magkamayan, tumitig si Jax sa
matandang lalaki, hinayaan sa compliments at sa mga sinabi.
I pulled Jacques a bit towards me because I noticed how amazed he is as he watched
his father smoothly talking to another person. Sumulyap si Jax sa amin at walang
pasubaling hinaplos ang baywang ko bago pinirmi ang kamay sa tagiliran ko. He was
almost touching my stomach and I'm slightly pulled beside him.
"By the way, this is Amber and Jacques, our son."
"Y-Your son?!" napalakas ang sinabi ng matanda.
Akala ko aatakehin siya sa puso nang medyo napatalon siya sa gulat habang
tinitingnan ang anak ko. Jacques was only watching the man with serious eyes,
unreadable. I'm not sure if he's pleased with that reaction or what.
"Oh yeah! Manang mana sa'yo, Jax! What's his name?"
"Jacques. Jacques, this is Tito Rob, a friend of mine."
"Hello, hijo! You look so much like your father! Not just because of your pair
clothes, ah? Your face. You look so much like him!" parang Santa Claus naman ang
boses ng matandang ito na dinig yata ng buong building ang mga sinasabi niya.
I didn't even have to look at the other models to see what they were doing. Kiara's
group freezed and they are shamelessly watching our every move with jaws dropped.
"Thank you, Sir," Jacques said in a serious tone.
The old man turned to me at naglahad ng kamay.
"Rob, by the way. I'm a fan of your husband's work. Making affordable but high
quality meds is very helpful. Bukod pa roon, his research! So brilliant! So
brilliant!"
Husband's work. Everything he said was gibberish to me because of that first
statement. I wanted to correct that but the way he's talking made me realize that I
can't insert a simple, "I'm not his wife."!
"Thank you, Sir. It's really an honor."
"No, the pleasure is mine, Jaxon. And... uh... Mrs. Riego."
Bumagsak ang tingin niya sa kay Jacques at palakaibigang kinawayan ang anak ko.
Ilang sandali ang lumipas, he was disturbed by a bodyguard kaya nagpaalam na. We
left the annoyingly nosy models in front of us in awe while Jaxon was so oblivious
to what just happened. Nang nasa labas na kami, hinihintay ang sasakyan at abala
ang anak sa katitingala sa mga building, particularly the Riego's towers, I took
that opportunity to point it out.
"Next time may ganoon, we should correct it. I don't want anyone to assume our
relationship."
Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. He didn't say yes, nod, or no, or shook his head.
Nanatili ang madilim na titig niya. It was almost etched with contempt that I had
to look away for me to breathe.
Tumambad ang sasakyan niya sa harap, lumabas ang valet at tinanggap niya na ang
susi. He opened the car's shot gun door and collected Jacques for the rear door.
Pumasok ako sa loob pero ang isipan ko nasa sinabi ko pa rin sa kanya. He put on
Jacques seatbelts bago siya umikot. Pinagmasdan ko siyang mabuti habang umiikot. He
looked not in the mood. Nang nakapasok siya, nagsalita ulit ako.
"Sa restaurant tayo the next tower. I have an appointment with Sir Garcia for my
finances." I turned behind us to check my son. "Jacques, after lunch, I have
another hectic go-see. Maybe you want to go to a mall and try bowling or
something?"
"I'll see. This is my first time to go out here in Manila so I'm kinda not bored."
Oh. Bukod nga pala sa trip namin sa Batangas para kay Lolo, hindi na siya nakalabas
pa.
"Sir Garcia? Who's that?" singit ni Jax nang tapos na kaming mag-usap ni Jacques.
"My financial adviser. May aayusin lang ako."
He's getting grumpier and grumpier by the minute. E 'di sana nanatili na lang sila
sa bahay ni Jacques. Sayang naman ang leave niya. Sana natulog sila at nagpahinga
na lang, 'di ba?
So we went to the next tower. Sa labas pa lang, kita ko na si Mr. Garcia - an old
and gray-haired fat man who's very reliable in terms of my family's finances.
Nakikipag coordinate din siya sa agent ko at matagal nang umasa si Daddy sa kanya
noon. Hindi lang nakinig sa huling sugal kaya nagkaganoon.
Nauna ako sa pagpasok. Ang mag-ama nasa likod ko. I waved at Mr. Garcia when he saw
me behind his spectacles. He waved back and continued watching his laptop. Natigil
ako nang may naisip.
"Jax..." I called.
The brute thought I was beginning to soften when I stopped and waited for them.
Mabilis na pumalupot muli ang kanyang kamay sa aking baywang in a very affectionate
way, drawing the attention of anyone curious. Hindi naman natanggal ang dilim sa
kanyang mata but he tried to be softer because maybe he thought I was being...
soft.
"Puwede bang sa kabilang table kayo ni Jacques umupo? May pag-uusapan kami ni Mr.
Garcia na dapat 'di naririnig ni Jacques, e. He's very attentive and smart. He will
know what the conversation means so..."
Nagtaas ng kilay si Jaxon. Now obviously pissed but trying so hard to cool down.
"Really?"
He eyed the old man that I'm meeting. I chewed on my lip when I noticed something.
"Really?" ulit niya na may ibang kahulugan na.
Nagseselos ba 'to? Old men piss him off. Don't worry, bet ko mga kaedaran mo. I
grinned inwardly for a moment until I realize I should stop.
"Okay. Sit near us so you can hear what we're talking about. Put Jacques across you
so he wouldn't hear the talk. I don't want him to hear these things."
He swallowed and nodded slowly. Tumango rin ako at wala sa sarili nang nagpatuloy
sa paglalakd patungo kay Mr. Garcia. But of course, Jax won't miss the opportunity.
He stood up beside me with Jacques.
"Uh, by the way, Sir... my son, Jacques. And uh... Jacques' father, Jaxon Riego."
Parang nakakita ng aparisyon si Mr. Garcia. Bumuga ang aparisyon ng house and lot
nang nakita si Jaxon. Mabilis itong tumayo at nakipagkamayan.
"I'm Miss Sevilla's financial adviser! This is a pleasure to meet you, Engineer
Riego. I know you a bit. You're under Uni and I heard that three years ago, you got
the refinery, right? Under pa ba 'yon sa- Sorry, I talk so much, I'm just really
shocked." sabay tawa ni Mr. Garcia at litong humarap sa akin bago kay Jaxon ulit.
"This is such a pleasure! And you are Jacques' father. Oh hello there, boy!"
Hindi niya alam kung saan siya titingin, sa anak ko o sa kay Jaxon. Halata sa
kanyang gulantang at natataranta na, for some reason.
"I'm sorry," sabi niya ng nahimasmasan. I really talk too much."
"No problem, Sir. Nice to meet you," Jaxon said politely.
Ilang mahabang pamumuri pa ni Mr. Garcia ang lumipas hanggang sa niyaya ko na
siyang maupo. He gave his calling card to Jax and his smile and head remained with
them habang nakaupo kami. Nawala lang nang nag simula nang umorder.
I was taken abacked with Mr. Garcia's attitude towards Jaxon. Although, I know he
likes meeting and pleasing rich men and women para kunin siya bilang adviser, I
just didn't see him that excited even before.
Jax sat on the seat parallel to mine, sa katabing round table. Si Jacques naman
nasa malayong left side, gaya ng gusto kong mangyari. That way, Jax can hear us but
Jacques will be too far.
"So let's start. I have to comment. I know that this account is old and it's from
your Dad, Amber. I transfered all your new paychecks on your own account, hindi
rito," panimula ni Mr. Garcia.
"I know, Sir. Sorry. Bago kasi ako nakapagtrabaho, si Mommy lang talaga ang
gumagastos. Imagine our daily needs without anyone working that time since Dad was
alive until before I got the work. I owed us money so I thought the best thing to
do is put my checks in there. I know Mom used her own money to provide for me bago
pa lang talaga ako nagtrabaho."
"Ito kasing Mommy mo, e. You're still rich dapat! Though, you literally are still
rich now because of your real assets but there's a big hole in your account. Unless
your Mom wants to sell your assets including that walk in closet in your ancestral
home and on the Sevilla's. I'm sure she wouldn't want that. You wouldn't, too."
Huminga ako ng malalim at nagsimulang muli.
"I've decided, Sir, na all my new paychecks will fall into my personal account.
Then I want to freeze the remaining money of my account with Mommy. And just give
her... ten thousand pesos a month? Sa kanyang account."
Tumango si Mr. Garcia. The food arrived and we continued all our talks about it.
This is my plan. I know Mommy will get mad at me... at first... but for sure she
will eventually find a way to earn for herself. She's not yet sixty and she's still
very efficient if she wants to! Hindi ko talaga alam bakit ayaw niyang magmanage
ulit ng hotel. Maybe she's still traumatized with the money she lost for The Coast
but she seriously needs to earn!
"How much does your Momma need?" si Jaxon nang natahimik na kami ni Mr. Garcia.
Already glaring before my eyes got to him, nagtaas siya ng kilay sa akin, nagtataka
sa ekspresyon ko.
"Don't lay a finger on my plan. This is the only way I know to make everything
okay."
"Bakit?" he looked confused now.
"She bought a very expensive painting recently. It's worth 2 million dollars at
ilang milyong pesos na lang natitira sa pinaghirapan ko. Reason why I'm broke and
can't even afford a decent two-bedroom condo unit. I need to discipline her
somehow."
He shifted on his seat, now he looks attentive. I don't know what was so
interesting with what I just said.
"Well, a painting is an asset if it's from an important painter," he shrugged.
"I'll process an account for you and Jacques for-"
"No, thanks."
"It's for Jacques needs," he reasoned out.
Sa bagay. Ganoon naman talaga, 'di ba? Parental support. I probably looked almost
convinced now.
"I'll think about that," sabi ko.
Jax nodded and licked his lower lips and shifted again on his seat. "Isasabay ko sa
pag paprocess ng ibang papel. I'll need some of your papers. I'll name my condo
unit under him so no need to get one."
At least Jacques seems to have a better financial state. Paano ako? Of course, I'm
not asking him to save me. I can earn, thank you very much. I just want to
discipline my Mom. The Maria Emilia of The Coast chain of hotels is now gone. All I
have left is the socialite who spends money like there is no tomorrow.
The lunch finished smoothly. Nakuha naman ni Mr. Garcia ang lahat ng gusto kong
mangyari at masayang-masaya siya na na kilala niya si Jaxon kaya mas lalong umayos
ang araw. Nang nasa loob na ako ng sasakyan, 'tsaka ko naramdaman kung anong meron.
There was a knock from the urn when I remembered what Kiara said. No matter how
hard I try to be calm, I can't seem to do it. Kahit pa sa dami ng nagdaang
nangyari, talagang bumabalik ako sa pangit at mababaw kong rason dahil sa kumakatok
na halimaw sa banga.
"Instead of waiting for me on my next appointment, sa mall na lang kayo ni Jacques.
Jacques?" I turned again. "Do you want a basketball jersey?"
"Uh, I don't know." He shrugged. "Out of my mind but I suddenly want to play ball
now that you mentioned it, Mama."
"He plays basketball and football. Dalhin mo na lang siya sa mall para malibang
kayo," sabi ko kay Jaxon with a hidden agenda in mind.
"You play ball, Jacques?" si Jaxon at sumulyap sa salamin habang nagmamaneho.
"Yes, Papa. Why? Do you?"
"Of course!" Jax laughed. "Do you wanna set up a basketball ring in the gym room so
you can play there?"
"Sige po! I want to! Tell me, Papa, were you good in playing basketball? Saan ka
naglalaro? Sa school n'yo po? And where is your school? Did you go to school same
with Mama? Were you classmates?"
"We're not classmates, Jacques. I'm older than Mama," si Jax habang nagdadrive.
Nilingon ko ang labas at ngumuso. He was my teacher, Jacques. He is way, way older
than me. Huwag mong gayahin 'yan!
"I want to know more. Let's go to the mall next time. Let's just wait for Mama and
talk about your school days and the way you play ball, Papa," Jacques said it
matter-of-factly.
I gritted my teeth. Nagpapark na kami nang tingnan ko si Jax. Napasulyap siya sa
akin, eyes a bit hopeful. I glared at him without hesitation. I know then that he
really wants to come to the go-see kaya hindi niya gustong umalis sila ni Jacques
kahit sa mall man lang saglit.
"Girlfriend mo. Andon. Bahala ka." Putol-putol pagkakasabi ko noon para hindi
makuha ni Jacques.
At gaya ata ni Jacques, hindi rin nakuha ni Jaxon! He looked at me when the car was
in full stop, with a very oblivious, innocent, and confused face. His brows were
furrowed as he looked at me.
"Pupunta ka naman talaga roon," he said lightly that made my face heat.
Tinanggal ko ang seatbelts ko at inirapan na siya habang humihinga ng malalim. I
know what that simple statement mean and I don't really know how to react!
Nag-iingat ang mga mata niya pagkalabas but the way his lips parted told me that
there's a smile hiding somewhere. And he shamelessly held my son's hand while his
other hand snaked around me. He was watching all my expression intently that I feel
like my face turned scarlet. Nanatili pa rin naman akong seryoso habang naglalakad
kami papasok sa loob ng building. And it doesn't help that there are people who are
watching us stalk towards the lobby.
Bumawi ako ngayon kaya sobrang aga ko naman sa venue. However, because I'm early,
most of the prime and experienced models were there. Halos kitilan ako ng hininga
nang nakita si Canary, Kiara, at ang iilan pang pamilyar at sikat na mga modelo na
sabay-sabay ang lingon sa pagpasok namin sa isang revolving door na sabay.
The pure satisfaction and unadulterated pleasure filled me when I saw their faces
contort as we enter. I held my head up not only to find an empty couch, but also to
brag my confidence as we walked in. Lalo pa nang itinaas ni Jax ang hawak niya sa
baywang ko. I shivered when I felt his hand almost near my underboob. Lumapit ang
mukha niya sa tainga ko.
Walang free na couch dahil marami pa ang naroon habang 'di pa nagsisimula. Just
after a few seconds, we're called to go in a gold double door for the auditions
pero ang grupo ni Kiara, nakatulala pa ring tingin sa amin habang si Canary naman
ay yumuko at pumasok kasama ang mga kaibigang halatang kami ang pinag-uusapan.
"Girlfriend mo, oh," pang-iinis ko kay Jaxon sabay tingin sa grupo ni Canary.
He didn't even turn. He remained watching me as we stood in the center of the
crowd, waiting for the first few models to settle inside before I come in, too.
Sinamantala iyong mabuti ni Jaxon. Binitiwan niya ang anak naming tinitingnan ang
masalimuot na disenyo ng hotel at inilipat niya ang kaliwang kamay sa kanang
baywang ko.
His eyebrow shot up and his eyes directed on my lips like he's so drawn. He even
tilted his head as if wanting something from my lips. His face darkened, ayaw
patulan ang pang-aasar kong iyon.
"I think I know some of the staff here, maybe I can talk it out so they let you go
immediately. Gusto kong ipasyal ang anak natin. This will be the first time we'll
do it as a family so it's important to me," he said ignoring my immature banters at
him.
It was very effective, though.
"We can do that another time. Not now. Isa pa, I don't think the designer I want
will tolerate things like that," sabi ko.
His dark frigging eyes followed my lips with every word I said. Para akong
lalagnatin lalo na't seryosong seryoso siya habang nanonood sa bawat kibot ko.
Dahil iniwas ko ang tingin ko sa kanya, hindi ko na napigilan ang mga mata kong
mapadpad sa anak na tahimik at seryosong nanonood sa amin. Jacques looked like he's
solving a puzzle inside his head. That startled me a bit. I know exactly what he's
thinking.
"Or maybe..." tinagilid ko ang ulo ko para asarin pa siya.
Para hindi maintindihan ni Jacques, ngumiti ako sa kanyang ama. Even though Jaxon's
brows is furrowed, Jacques will think we're not really fighting because his
father's expressions seem to be always dangerously dark no matter if he's sad or
happy.
"You're just scared I'll have a few interactions with your girl-"
"That's enough," he said calmly.
Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa kay Jacques na ngayon ay nilingon ang isang grupo ng
matatandang lalaki na papasok sa revolving door. He's not watching us so this is
fine. Besides, Jax is holding my hips closely like everything is okay.
"So you are scared?" sabi ko at muling sumulyap nang nakitang ang grupo naman ni
Kiara ang mapait na tumingin sa banda namin.
Halatang napipikon na si Jaxon sa panunuya ko. Although, his dark eyes really
remained on my lips as I continued all my taunting at him.
"Don't worry, I'll send your regards if I meet her inside-"
A swift kiss made mylips part, stopping me from all my words. Hindi lang iyon. He
looked so crazy for it that the smack felt like a prelude to something more. Medyo
lumapit pa nga ulit ang mukha niya, para sa isa pang halik. My heart skipped a beat
and I closed my eyes to brace for the second that didn't come. Dumilat ako at
nakitang nakataas ang kilay niya, sa mga mata ko na nakatitig ngayon.
My face heated profusely when I realized that I assumed too much. Napalinga-linga
tuloy ako sa paligid kung may nakakita ba sa nakakaiskandalong halikan sa gitna pa
talaga nitong lobby.
"Make your auditions fast. Maghihintay kami ng anak natin dito."
I was about to fire at him but I bit my tongue when I heard my son.
"What about my kiss, Mama?"
Damn! Jacques saw it!
Mabilis kong iniwas ang tingin ko kay Jaxon at lumuhod na para mahalikan ang anak.
I heard Jaxon's good luck when I stalked out of our crowd and into the hall, para
akong nag-aapoy habang naglalakad. Iritado ako pero hindi ko alam kung bakit may
malademonyong tuwa sa aking kalooblooban.
My phone beeped. Para walain sa isipan ko ang halik na iyon, pinilit ko ang sarili
kong tingnan iyon. Gusto kong balewalain lalo na't hindi registered ang numero ng
nagtext kaso nang natanto kong hindi nga pala akin ang cellphone, I then checked
who it was.
Unknown Number:
Hi! I saw you on the lobby. You're with the Ford model with her son?
Who the hell is this?
I scrolled up to see the past messages and saw who it was. Isang taon na ang
lumipas sa unang text noong numero at may reply naman ni Jaxon kahit paano. But the
number wasn't registered on his phone book? Is he serious? It's Canary!
Unknown Number:
Hi! I changed my digits. This is Canary. Kiss x
That's the first text from a year ago.
I cleared it to see his phone's phonebook only to see that there's only a few names
on it. Napadpad ako sa R- Radleigh, Raoul, Roman... I went back to C to find
Canary's number and saw it! I clicked to see their messages and saw the many gray
balloons from her and with only a few blue ones from Jaxon.
Canary:
Thank you so much. I'm honored to be with you tonight, though, I wish we could've
stayed a little bit longer but that's fine. I expect a next time since I think
we're both happy with each other's company?
Jaxon:
Ako dapat ang nagpapasalamat sa'yo. Thanks for the company. It's my pleasure.
Canary:
Haha. Everyone's watching me because we're together so I think the pleasure is
mine.
And this rude brute didn't reply! Kaya walang reply na si Canary kundi sa mga sunod
pang buwan.
Canary:
Ikaw ba ang nakita ko sa auction with Kajik Mercadejas? You two were outside
seriously talking. Nahiya tuloy akong lumapit.
Canary:
Hi! Did you receive the invites for Dad's research. I sent it to you because I know
you'd be interested with his work for new vaccines.
Jaxon:
Yes. I think my assistant sent the RSVP back. I can't come. I will be in Australia
that day.
Canary:
Aww. Sayang. Can't you move your trip? My father really wants you to see his own
work.
There was no reply again! Hindi ko alam kung madilim ba akong tatawa o maaawa.
Canary:
Buti nasabi ni Daddy na kasama ka sa dinner. Kung hindi ko alam, I would've been in
Baler for the whole week and skip that important dinner of his. So glad to see you.
I stopped reading when I saw Royo himself, in front of me, smiling and feeling all
friendly. Nagulat ako. The designer wasn't known for being friendly. He's known for
being very uptight and arrogant kaya nagulat ako.
"Hi Amber! Kumusta?" nagbeso sa akin.
Sa gulat ko pa rin, naestatwa ako. Kabababa ko lang ng cellphone. Just a few meters
away from us is Canary and her friends. Nakaupo naman sa monoblock chairs sina
Kiara sa harapan. Dahil hindi nga normal na ugali ni Royo ang personal na lumabas
dito para icheck ang mga modelo, halos nabali ang mga leeg ng lahat sa paglingon sa
banda namin.
"I was told by a staff that you're in a hurry because your family is waiting in the
lobby. Si Jaxon Riego at ang anak ninyo, ayokong paghintayin."
Napakurap-kurap ako. Hindi ako agad nakabawi. Nang nakabawi naman, kakaiba pa ang
tanong ko.
"You still have an opening for an audition?" I asked referring to Kiara's
statements earlier that day about Royo's line up of models.
Tinagilid ni Royo ang kanyang ulo. Inayos nito ang kulay brown na faux fur sa
kanyang balikat bago muling ngumiti sa akin.
"You're a pro Ford model, Amber Sevilla," he said like that's an enough reason for
anything.

[ 36 Kabanata34 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 34
Baby
Nakuha ako. At mabilisan pa.
I got a slot from Royo, that means I have both Annie Schiffer and Royo in that
particular show. Bukod pa roon, sinubukan pa akong ligawan ng ilan pang malaking
brands. I am so tempted to get them, as well, kaya lang kailangan ding ireview iyon
ng agent ko kaya hindi ako basta-bastang puwedeng pumayag sa lahat na lang ng
offer. Especially because it's on the same event so my company doesn't want me to
be too hectic with my sched, it might affect my performance.
"Darling, you didn't tell me. Kung hindi pa kami nagkita ni Klaus kahapon at
bahagyang napag-usapan si Nikolai, hindi ko malalaman na hindi pala talaga kanya
ang anak mo!" si Annie Schiffer nang nakawala na ako sa ilan pang nanliligaw na
brands.
May sumusukat sa akin habang siya'y umaaligid may dalang mga tanong na ganito.
Though, I trust her and the room is a bit secluded from the crowded and busy
auditions for her designs, I am still hesitant to tell her anything.
"And now I'm hearing the gossips from some models that your son is Jaxon Riego's?
Totoo ba 'yan? Akala ko ba masugid na manliligaw mo lang iyon? So he's the father
of your son? I heard my staff say that your son is his spitting image. Do you have
a picture of your son?"
Hindi ko alam kung kukumpirmahin ko na lang ba ng diretso o ano. Pero kung
pagbabasehan ang itsura ni Annie Schiffer ngayon, she looked so curious about it so
I unlocked Jaxon's phone to view some images he took of my son.
"Jacques Sevilla. He's six turning seven."
Nakita ko ang pagkunot ng noo ni Annie Schiffer habang tinititigan ang cellphone na
para bang isang palaisipan ito. Then her eyes slowly widened.
"He does look like a Riego. This should be Jacques Riego. Pero paano?"
I sighed. "He'll process the papers soon." Kinuha ko ulit ang cellphone nang ibigay
ni Annie iyon. "He's my ex back when I was seventeen."
"Seventeen?!" napasadahan ako bigla ni Annie Schiffer mula ulo hanggang paa na para
bang may tinatago yata akong kung ano sa katawan ko.
I only smiled. Maybe she can't believe that I got pregnant at an early age.
"W-Well, then, he should marry you now!" she exclaimed.
Nagtagal ang titig ko sa kanya habang dinudugtungan niya ng rason ang sinabi. I was
silent the whole time. I let her speak her mind for maybe it wasn't only her
opinion. Maaaring mas marami pa ang may opinyong ganoon.
"May anak na pala kayo, dapat ka niya na talagang pakasalan!" ulit niya.
Jaxon pursued me even before he knew that Jacques was his son. He even wanted me to
introduce my son to him. For what? Maybe because he knew it will be then difficult
for me to ignore him if he gets to my son. But I can't help but think about other
people's thoughts. Maybe everyone now thinks he must marry me because we have a
son, huh?
Pagkatapos ko kay Annie Schiffer, sinalubong kami ni Royo. It was an overwhelming
moment when the two most popular and extravagant designers in the Philippines are
beside me. Sinamahan nila ako palabas doon, kung nasaan ang ibang mga modelong
naghihintay na matawag. The more popular models came to us, maybe to greet the two
important persons beside me. Isa roon si Canary kasama ang iilan pang sikat na
modelo.
"We have a Ford model with you!" Royo proudly said to his set of models.
Ang ilan ay natuwa. May isa pa ngang lumapit sa akin upang ipakilala ang kanyang
sarili. Kaya medyo naantala nga ang pag-alis ko roon. And while I am entertaining a
popular model idol, I heard Annie talk about me to her models.
"Leigh, hindi ba crush mo 'yong si Engineer Jaxon Riego?"
"I know, Annie!" bigo na sinabi noong modelo na tinawag ni Annie Schiffer
pagkatapos sumulyap sa akin gamit ang palakaibigang ngiti. "He's taken na pala! All
this time I thought he was single! May anak na pala siya at kay Amber Sevilla!"
I cleared my throat and smiled awkwardly at the crowd. Umapila ang babaeng katabi
ni Canary. Meanwhile, Canary only looked serious as she took in the news.
"He's not taken. Hello? Ever heard of separate parents. Usually happens with teen
pregnancy when the parents are not yet very decided of each other. Kaya he's still
technically single."
"Oh you, ingrata!" si Annie sa modelong nagsalita. "They will marry each other."
Shit.
"Annie," pigil ko. "Hindi naman. Uh, she's right. He's technically single as I am
technically single, too. And uh... we have no plans about marriage so... she really
is right," agap ko.
Mapaglarong ngumiti iyong modelong si Leigh. She lightened up the mood a bit
because of her jolly attitude. "So should we pretend now that he didn't smooch you
outside for a good luck kiss? Miss Amber, you are so cute and shy."
Uminit ang pisngi ko sa sinabi noong modelo. Lalo pa nang humalakhak ang isa pang
katabi nito.
"Crush na crush ko 'yon, Miss. Ang guwapo kasi! Kaso... sa anak n'yo na lang ako,"
she laughed again.
Nagtawanan ang mga kaibigan niya. Tumawa na lang din ako. Later on, Royo called
some models for a brief meeting, iyon ang dahilan kung bakit naging abala ulit ang
lahat at nagpatuloy na ako sa pag-alis.
Annie planned to talk to Jaxon for a while but because of her hectic sched and her
staff needing her for the casting, hindi na rin nangyari. I stepped out of the busy
lobby, my eyes never wandered because the first thing I saw was Jaxon's playful
smile to my son's laughs.
Sa isang iglap, nawala ang napakaraming iniisip ko galing sa trabaho. It was
drowned by the way Jacques was less serious and less uptight when he's with his
father. Ibang-iba ngang talaga ang disposisyon niya ngayong nariyan na ang ama. He
is still serious at times but I can't deny it, I have not seen him this happy. I
felt like he wanted to grow up fast when his Papa isn't there yet. Now that his
Papa is here, he can now enjoy being a kid. Para bang kung kaming dalawa,
pakiramdam niya sa kanya dapat ang lahat ng responsibilidad dahil wala pa ang ama.
My heart hurt a bit thinking about my little son thinking too much about life.
Jaxon's eyes drifted on me. Nagsimula na akong maglakad papunta sa kanila. Bumulong
siya sa anak kaya bumaling din si Jacques sa akin. Kumawala si Jacques sa hita ng
ama at seryosong naglakad bahagya patungo sa akin. Then his father stood up to do
the same.
I have many bitter feelings but they were all gone when I saw them. Isinantabi ko
muna ang mga iniisip at inuna ang nararamdaman ng anak ko.
"I'm done. Where do you wanna go?" I asked Jacques.
Jacques looked at me with his serious eyes. Tipid akong ngumiti sa anak habang
iniisip na ganito talaga siya tumitig sa akin. It was like I'm something precious
and fragile while he can do anything with his strong and powerful dad.
"If you're tired we can just go home," he said.
Umiling ako. "I'm not tired."
Inangat ko ang tingin ko kay Jaxon. His serious eyes but cruelly sexy lips made my
heart skip a beat.
"We can go to the mall, not here. Somewhere less crowded so..."
"Why?"
Ngumuso ako at nag-isip. Pilit kong hinihila ang kanina pang isinasantabi. Ayokong
marami ang makakita sa amin. Though, I can't get past that reason anymore. Surely,
may ibang dahilan ako kung bakit ayokong maraming makakita sa amin.
"Dito na lang tayo sa malapit. Nevermind the crowd. I'll have my men around us if
you're scared of our security," sabi niya bago ako nilapitan at hinawakan sa
baywang.
Kumunot ang noo ko dahil pakiramdam ko, hindi ang seguridad ang inaalala ko. Gusto
ko pang umapila pero sa itsura ni Jaxon, he was not taking any reason for a no.
Kaya iyon nga ang ginawa namin. We made that day a normal malling day of a family.
Jacques was more interested with sports than those childish cup rides. He tried
archery and bowling. Of course, silang dalawa ng ama niya kaya tuwang tuwa siya. I
tried once but mostly, I'm contented watching them.
We let Jacques decide for our dinner and he chose a fastfood that would make Maria
Emilia faint. Hindi na rin naman ako tinanong ni Jax kung bakit hindi ko pa
napapakain doon ang anak. It was like he understood how I normally live my life
that he won't question it anymore.
Nahuli kong natatawa si Jacques sa isang pamilya sa kabilang lamesa. It was a
family with three children of almost his age. There's the mother and then the
father. Kahit na medyo magulo ang mga anak nila, natatawa na lang sila at sa huli
masaya pa rin naman. Sumali si Jacques sa tawanan doon at nakita ko kung paano niya
nilingon si Jaxon pagkatapos. I looked away to pretend that I didn't notice his
longing when he then watched me.
"Kain ka na, Jacques," sabi ko.
He nodded seriously but I saw the hiding longing in his eyes as he started to mind
his own food. Sa mga taon bang dinodrawing niya kaming tatlo bilang pamilya, talaga
bang hindi niya naintindihan ang ibig sabihin ng unconventional family? The
possibility of having a parent away from a home? Or did he just purposely denied
that understanding to give way for his hopes of a complete happy family? Nalungkot
ako roon.
Pagkatapos nilang mag desisyon tungkol sa gagawing basketball ring sa gym room at
iilan pang detalye sa pinapagawa nang kuwarto ni Jacques, binilhan naman siya ni
Jaxon ng iilang pambatang uniporme ng basketball at football. We ended our day with
a trip to a bookstore when Jacques told him how he wants to buy books about science
and design.
Jacques was very tired by the end of it all. Habang nasa sasakyan kami, nang
sulyapan ko ang anak sa likod, sinisikap niya na lang idilat ang mga mata niya para
magising habang nagmamaneho pauwi si Jaxon.
"Jacques, don't sleep yet. You have to clean up first before sleeping."
"Yes, Mama, I won't," aniya pero humikab naman at umidlip.
"Didn't you say you'll visit your room to see if there are changes?"
"Maybe tomorrow. I'm tired."
"How about your bath? Bukas na rin?" pagsubok ko.
"I will take a bath when we get home," he said.
Tulog na siya nang nakauwi kami. Jaxon carried him out but he woke up and insisted
that he can still walk and take a bath. Iyon nga ang ginawa ng anak. Jaxon brought
him to his bathroom and I heard them fighting a bit about the shower.
"I can do it, Papa! I said I can do it!" he insisted.
"Alright! I'll just prepare your pajamas. Is that fine, though?" sabay halakhak ni
Jaxon.
"Yeah. Well, my toothbrush, too, please?"
"Alright."
"I should have my own temporary bedroom. I know how to do these things alone. No
need for Mama or Ate Nelia. But Papa can help me now..."
Umirap ako sa sipsip na sinasabi ni Jacques sa ama. Pumasok na lang ako sa bathroom
at nag-ayos na rin sa sarili para sa pagtulog sa gabing iyon. Medyo natagalan ako
sa banyo. Bukod sa iniisip ko kasi kung hanggang kailan papayag si Jacques na rito
matulog. I can sense that he's eager to show his father that he can be independent
so for sure he'd request for his own room. Kaso... ako rin kaya puwedeng kumuha ng
sarili kong kuwarto? I wonder.
Pagkalabas ko sa banyo, parehong tapos nang maligo si Jaxon at Jacques. Like what I
saw last night, Jaxon was watching Jacques fast asleep on the bed. The lights are
dimmer and it was obvious that he's expecting me to sleep now. Lalo pa nang
bumaling siya sa akin at naabutan niya akong nagtatali ng sedang roba sa aking
pantulog.
"Mauna na kayo. Susunod na rin ako," sabi ko at dinama ang cellphone ni Jax sa
bulsa.
He didn't say a word and he didn't have any defiant look in his eyes so I carried
on to what I'm planning. Dumiretso ako sa kusina. Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I
drink tea before going to bed. Wala akong gagawin bukas kaya ayos lang kung matagal
akong matulog para sa pagmuni-muni.
Nagdala ako ng tsaa kasi iniisip kong baka walang ganoon si Jaxon. I put it in his
kitchen last time kaya nang binalikan ko, andon pa rin naman. I put on heated water
on a mug with a tea bag. Tahimik ang buong bahay at tama lang ang ilaw na meron
para maaninag ko ang ilang importanteng sulok.
Holding the mug, I walked towards the living room. I saw the balcony with the
sliding door closed and the city lights, beyond it, shining dramatically. Hindi na
ako lumagpas doon. Naaalala ko kasi ang ginawa ni Jax kahapon at parang kinukurot
ang puso ko tuwing naiisip ko iyon.
Umupo na lang ko sa sofa at tahimik na tinikman ang tsaa.
I don't want to fall in love with Jaxon again. I don't want to fall in love that
way again. I'm scared to let myself go again. Also, I'm scared to think that we
might only be settling for our son. Kaya kong mag-isa. Hindi na kataka-taka ang
single parenting. Normal na rin ang may unconventional family. We can both try
other people who can provide us healthier relationships than each other. Ganoon ka
rami ang pangamba ko. Ganoon ka rami ang iniisip. Lalo pa sa nabasa kong message
kanina galing kay Canary.
It boggled me so much that the woman can think that way. That even when she looked
obviously disappointed and hurt, she was classy enough to send him a pleasant
message. It bothered me because I don't think I could do it, if I was in her place.
Unknown Number:
I heard he's your son. I figured you resembled each other when I saw you two. I'm
sure you are happy. You will be a very good dad! I'm sure of that, Jax! I'm so
happy for you.
Nang nalaman kong may relasyon si Jaxon kay Rowena, kahit wala akong proweba, halos
lukubin ako ng kadiliman ko. At kung ngayon iyon nangyari, at ngayon ko siya mahal,
wala akong pagdududang ganoon pa rin ang magiging reaksyon ko. Maybe a little bit
tamer. Maybe I won't go to him and rant. But I definitely can't send this simple
happy text for him to pretend that everything is alright.
Canary is a woman of class. There were no replies from Jaxon so her next texts were
only the next months, hindi bukas o makalawa. Naisip niyang hindi siya ginawaran ng
reply kasi hindi interesado. Maybe if Jaxon gave her a chance, it could work. They
won't be in a toxic relationship. She will support him, instead of destroy him like
what I clearly did years ago when I begged him to give up his career for me.
Pangatlong inom ko sa tsaa nang nagdesisyon akong ilapag ito sa lamesa sa harap. I
immediately sensed his presence just a few meters away from the sofa. I lazily
glanced at him. I saw him holding out my cellphone a bit.
"Your friend texted. Gusto mo bang ikaw ang mag reply o puwedeng ako na?" he said
darkly.
Jaxon on his dark gray cotton shorts and white t-shirt made my heart flutter a bit.
Parang baliw na iniisip na pangalawang araw na nakita ko siyang ganito. It's so
surreal. I never thought I'd ever see him in his bed clothes. Ano bang meron at
bakit pati iyan, malaking bagay para sa akin?
"Sinong nag text at anong sinabi?" I asked.
Walang pasubali siyang lumapit. The smug look on his face made my heartbeat double.
Mabilis akong umusod lalo na't pinili niyang umupo sa masikip na banda ng sofa. I
gave him space and I gave us a space in between us because I think I'll catch a
fever if I didn't.
He showed me the phone. Walang kuwenta ang pag usod ko dahil hindi siya nagtipid ng
espasyo. Our elgs brushed and his body leaned a bit to me to show me my phone.
Harper. Si Harper ang nagtext. Napatingin ako kay Jax. We both know who Harper is
in our relationship and I'm kind of guilty for that. His expression remained hard
and controlled. There was no condemnation on his eyes or even a hint of snap for
it.
Naisip ko tuloy, mas naging mature nga siya. Seloso pa rin naman kahit paano but
he's very civil and controlled with his emotions. Sa bagay, hindi siya makakarating
sa kung nasaan siya ngayon kung hindi siya ganito.
Binawi ko sa kanya ang cellphone. Binaba niya ang kamay niya pero nang sulyapan ko
sa kalagitnaan ng pagtipa, nakita kong nakatitig pa rin siya sa screen.
Ako:
Here? In Jaxon's penthouse? With Phillie? When?
Hindi ko na inasahang magrereply pa si Harper. Kanina pa iyong text. Naisip ko
tuloy na pareho lang kami. May text din siya sa phone niya pero hindi ko agad
nasabi.
"Tapos ka na ba nito? Can we exchange now?"
Umiling siya. "I'm not done. May mga inuulit akong tingnan kaya sa susunod na
tayong magpalit."
I nodded when I imagine him watching it over and over again when my son is
preoccupied with something else. Nilingon ko siya. His concept of personal space is
very little. Dahil sobrang lapit niya sa akin, puwede ko nang ipatong ang kanang
binti ko sa kanyang kaliwang binti. His elbows rested behind me, making it seem
like he's puting his arm around my back rest. Imbes na lumayo, bumuntong-hininga na
lang ako.
I wonder if it's fine to give this a chance. What if I settle for him for Jacques,
too? Besides, wala na akong planong magmahal muli. Wala akong planong magpakasal.
If I give Jacques a seemingly normal and happy family now, it would make him a
better child... a better person. Maybe dealing with Jaxon will be easier if I think
about that?
I will not fall in love again with you. I will not risk to let loose the dark soul
I jailed for years just for this. Not for you. Not again.
"May nag text din pala sa'yo," amin ko kahit na labag talaga sa kalooban kong
ipabasa sa kanya iyon.
"Sino?"
I gave him his phone half heartedly. Hindi niya naman kinuha agad. Kinailangan ko
pang iwagayway para lang tanggapin niya iyon.
"Unknown number. Probably your girlfriend."
Kumunot ang noo niya habang tinitingnan ako. Nanatili ang mga mata ko sa cellphone
niya. Ipinakita niya naman sa akin ang pagbabrowse para tingnan kung sino ang
nagtext. He read the text message and it annoyed me that he needed to scroll up to
see who it was. Sana pala inubos kong basahin ang mga unknown number na nagtext at
baka makakita pa ako ng Kiara doon, 'di ba? Mukha kasing sa daming nagtitext sa
kanya, ni hindi niya maalala kung sino iyon sa simpleng naunang text lang!
Kinailangan niya pang umabot sa pinakaunang text bago siya mag conclude kung sino
iyon!
"It's just Canary," he said and closed everything.
He didn't reply again! Intensely happy and intensely annoyed, I looked at him.
Parang napigtas ang pasensya ko sa aking sarili dahil sa ginawa niya.
"And you won't reply?" I challenged.
He exhaled loudly and looked at me.
"I replied to Harper. You can reply to Canary."
Hindi pa rin siya nagsalita. Sinubukan kong umayos at magpakamature. I paused a
bit.
"Her text was harmless. She's happy that you have a son. She's very mature, Jax.
Bagay kayong dalawa," marahan kong sinabi.
Hindi pa rin nagsalita si Jaxon. I glanced at him, he's now very close to me. Kung
makatitig siya, tila niya tinitimbang ang reaksyon ko. Mas lalo akong na inspire na
umayos.
"I saw your replies to her texts. You were civil and nice with her in some moments.
You can be civil and nice with her now since she's being very reasonable for you."
"Bakit natin siya pinag-uusapan?"
Nilapag niya ang cellphone niya sa tabi ng cellphone ko sa couch. Nilingon ko iyong
left side ko para silipin ang magkatabing mga cellphone.
"Because she's-"
"I told you, she's not my girlfriend," agap niya.
I cleared my throat and replaced what I was about to say.
"Boto ang kuya mo at si Snow sa kanya. That means something, right? For Snow and
Sibal to like her for you. That might mean she's classy, conservative," I mentioned
the last word bitterly.
I looked conservative back then. I looked intensely pure and prim and proper but
was I really? Isang halik lang, hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko kay Jaxon. So
that means, it's just all in the outside. He knows now that I'm dirty inside.
"Hindi ba nireto ni Snow 'yan sa'yo?"
Kunot ang noo ni Jaxon nang nagkatinginan kami. He cocked his head to another side
and his hand rested on my knee. He pulled it closer to him and I am starting to
forget what I am saying.
"Snow introduced me to her because her Dad is a brilliant chemist. I liked his
works and we agree on so many things."
Bitterness splattered within me when I realized that that's another check for him.
Sa akin? Ano? I have a Mom that'll make his head ache. Bukod pa roon, magkagalit pa
si Tito Achilles at Mommy. I am very sure that this war between them won't end
soon. Kaya magti-tiyaga ba siya kung may babae namang kasundo niya ang pamilya?
"E 'di mabuti..." I said in between sarcasm and forced happiness.
Hindi ko na maibalik ang tingin ko sa kanya. He tilted his head to catch my line of
vision pero nanatili akong mariin sa desisyon kong 'di siya tingnan.
"I bet her family's company is also like yours? Pharmaceutical ba?"
"Yes," he whispered breathily on my ear.
"Bagay pala kayo nun."
"Bagay kami nung gusto kong model," he whispered softly.
Umawang ang labi ko at pinaglaruan na lang ang manicured nails sa harap ko. Sa
gilid ng mga mata ko, alam kong pinapanood niya ang reaksyon ko. I even saw the
corner of his lips stretch for a smile. Then I felt the tip of his nose grace my
cheek. Hinayaan ko iyon. Lalo pa dahil parehong takot at tuwa ang nararamdaman ko
ngayon.
Pinulot ko ang cellphone ko. I struggled to find a way to change the topic between
us. Nararamdaman ko kasi na maraming mga salitang hindi sinasabi at hindi na
kailangang sabihin sa aming dalawa.
"Hindi ka pa talaga tapos d-dito?" I stammered.
Halos mabitiwan ko 'yong cellphone nang hinawakan niya rin ang kamay ko para
mahawakan na rin ang cellphone. Kung 'di niya lang nasalo ay baka nga nasa sahig na
ang phone ko! I scrolled down to pretend that I'm okay.
"Surely, you're done watching everything," as if I care if he's done watching. I'm
just really creating a topic.
His large fingers covered mine. Siya na ang nags-scroll ngayon at siya na rin ang
pumindot sa huling mga videos. The first videos were when Jacques was about three
months old.
"No videos earlier than this?" he pointed out slowly.
Umiling ako at mapait na inalala. "I wasn't in the mood to get videos of him,"
medyo nagdadalawang-isip kong sinabi. "I got depressed so..."
He stiffened. Sumulyap ako at nakita ang seryoso at madilim niyang tingin. Binalik
ko ang mga mata ko sa cellphone at iniscroll down, baka sakaling may video na
milagrong makikita kapag ginawa ko iyon.
"Post partum. I didn't want to see Jacques days after giving birth. But I nursed
him, though. Despite... the condition."
I felt his hand drop behind me. Mas lalo rin siyang lumapit sa akin. Ang kanyang
dibdib nasa balikat ko na at halos angkinin niya na ang kinauupuan ko. Sumulyap ako
sa kanya at nakitang nakatitig siya sa cellphone, sa magkahawak naming kamay. His
eyes were lowered but I sensed how his mood shifted after what I said. Binawi ko
iyon dahil para sa akin, matagal na panahon na iyon.
"But I recovered immediately. Don't worry."
Tumango siya pero nanatiling tiim ang bagang at madilim ang ekspresyon. Nanatili
kaming tahimik ng ilang sandali. We even viewed together the first video of Jacques
crying in my arms. I carried him and kissed him. I smiled at the camera. I looked
very pale and skinny. Nakangiti ako habang inaalala at tinitingnan iyon pero si
Jaxon, panay ang buntong hininga at mariing pikit sa mga mata. Sa gitna noong
video, nilagay niya na lang ang noo sa aking balikat, hindi na pinanood iyon.
I shifted the next vid to an older Jacques. Doon sa nag s-scribble siya. He was
then very cute with chubby cheeks and long hair.
The next videos, medyo unti-unti na siyang tumangkad at pumayat na rin ang mukha. I
heard Jaxon chuckle when he saw Jacques reaction with a flying roach in our condo
unit. Noong una, takot pa siya. Natakot din ako at tumakbo kaya bumalik si Jacques,
braver, and with a baseball bat to combat the roach.
"Any videos or pictures before birth?" he asked huskily.
Kumunot ang noo ko at nilingon siya sa gulat. His eyes were lighter now. Umaliwalas
na rin ang mukha, kumpara kanina.
"Wala. Bakit? Hindi naman kita si Jacques don. Though if you mean his 4D ultra
sound, meron naman," I searched on another folder.
"No, I want my baby's picture," he whispered.
Natigilan ako sa pags-scroll. Shivers ran down my spine as I felt his hand on my
left hip, holding me closer.
"You won't see the baby with my pregnant picture, Jaxon," sabi ko para pigilan ang
sarili sa nakakabaliw na nararamdaman.
"You're my baby before our baby, Amber."
Pakiramdam ko sasabog sa init ang pisngi ko sa mga pinagbubulong niya sa akin.
"You still are my baby today so show me the picture of my baby. The baby-momma's
pregnant picture, if your pretty head still don't get it."
It was like an avalanche inside my heart. Like Amber is climbing in a tall, tall
cliff, trying hard to not be affected and then suddenly... a land slide. Hindi
mapipigilang pagkahulog, pagbagsak, at pagkalunod.
"W-Wala ako nun. B-Baka nakay Mommy."
"We have time the coming days and we'll stay here. You might want to invite Mommy,"
he said. "Our son misses her."
"I-Ikaw... Okay."
Halos manginig ang kamay ko habang tinitipa ang mensahe para kay Mommy. I am not
sure if she'll come. Baka mayroon siyang gagawin. O baka nga pupunta lang iyon dito
kapag napansin niyang wala siyang pera!
Pagkalapag ko sa cellphone bahagya akong tumingin kay Jax. Naabutan ko siyang
nakatingin sa labi ko. His eyes immediately drifted on my eyes when he noticed that
I am already watching him. Tumaas ang isang kilay niya at hindi na napigilang
muling tumingin sa labi ko.
Bahagya akong yumuko pero napabalik nang inilapit niya ang mukha sa akin para sa
isang marahang halik. He lowered his mouth on mine and brushed it softly with his.
Napapikit ako lalo pa nang tumigil siya para sa bago at mas marahan pang halik.
He stopped again, longer this time. Dumilat ako at wala sa sariling dinilaan at
kinagat ang labi. My stomach fluttered and my heart raced more. Titig na titig siya
sa aking labi habang ang kamay nasa hita ko na, hinahaplos ito at inaangkin palapit
sa kanya.
He crouched for another kiss again. When he stopped, nagkatinginan kami. Namumungay
ang kanyang mga mata at nasisiguro kong ganoon din ang akin.
Naestatwa nga lang ako nang nakita kung sino ang nakatayo sa malayo at tahimik na
tumitingkayad paatras!
"Jacques!" sabi ko nang napansin ang anak.
He smiled widely and ran back to the hallways! Mabilisan akong tumayo, parang
nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig. However, Jaxon's hands were holding me and pulling
me a bit para makabalik sa kinauupuan.
"Jaxon!" saway ko at saka pa lang niya ako pinakawalan, tumayo, at sumunod.
Ibang-iba iyong halikang iyon sa napanood niya kaninang nakaw na halik! Mas lalo
tuloy akong kinabahan!
Nang buksan ko ang pintuan sa kwarto, naroon na siya sa gitna ng kama, natatabunan
ng comforter at pinipilit na matulog.
"Go on. I'm asleep now," Jacques said.
Umiling ako at dumiretso na sa kama. Tumabi ako sa kanya. Pumasok na rin si Jaxon
at dismayado kaming binalingan ng anak.
"I said go on, Mama!" si Jacques.
"Sorry," si Jax nang umupo na sa kama. "Naiwan ka saglit. You woke up?"
"Yes! But I'm fine, Papa!" tumango-tango ang anak ko.
"Let's sleep now, Jacques."
"What?" si Jacques sabay bangon.
Nakahiga na ako. Nagkibit balikat si Jaxon sa anak at tumayo na para tuluyan pang
patayin ang extra lights na bukas. Jacques looked at his father in awe, then his
eyes drifted to me, I faked a sleep. Nang dumilat ako binalik niyang muli ang mga
mata sa ama.
"Let's sleep now. Mama is sleepy," si Jax.
Tumango ang anak ko at humiga na ulit. But I saw him watch Jaxon's moves. Umiling
ako at niyakap na lang ang anak. And although I hugged him, his eyes remained on
his father who tried to nestle us with his arm. Then I saw him smile playfully at
his father who only kissed his forehead.
Umiling ako. Baka gumaya talaga ito sa kanyang ama. I wonder if he's a playboy in
the making. I hope not.

[ 37 Kabanata35 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 35
Mommy
Fortunately, my son is still very much obsessed with his father than showing him
his independence. Hindi niya pa ipinagpipilitang hilingin na bumukod at siguro,
naging isa sa dahilan ang madalas niyang pagkakaantok bago pa mag alas nuebe at
wala siyang nagiging choice kundi sa kuarto na lang matulog. I honestly dread for
the day when he will request for his own room because I really don't know how to
deal with asking Jaxon my own space, too.
The next days were all just spent in our home. Hindi yata nagsasawa ang mag-ama na
maglaro, manood, at kung anu-ano pa. Hindi sila nauubusan ng gagawin. Kung hindi
nagbabasketball dito sa gym, nag momovie marathon sa family room naman.
Para sa araw naman na ito, may ibang gagawin sila. Hinatid kasi ng assistant ni
Jaxon iyong pinabili niya atang Lego. I took that opportunity to be in the gym as I
watch them build things on the floor near it. Glass kasi ang dingding noong gym
room kaya kitang-kita ko sila habang nag t-treadmill ako.
Naka headphones naman ako, nakikinig ng music pero nalilibang din sa maliit na TV
ng gym room. I can't help but notice how the whole room is just so detailed.
Napaghandaan niya talagang mabuti ang unit na ito, huh?
Tumikhim ako ng sa hindi mabilang na pagkakataon ay nagkatinginan ulit kami. He
always glance this way, most especially if they're having fun or something. Kung
hindi ko siya iniisnaban, pokerface ko naman siyang tinititigan pabalik.
We are expecting quite a few visitors today. Ngayon kasi itinaon ni Harper at
Phillie ang pagbisita rito kay Jax. Bibisita nga rin sana sina Tito Solomon at Tita
Athena dahil lumuwas na sila para sa birthday ni Lolo bukas, kaso lang, the
preparations are very busy. They can't find a time for it today so like Jaxon's
cousins, they choose to just meet Jacques tomorrow on the event.
Kabado nga ako, e. For some reason. It is a very talked about event. Mommy made
sure that it's like the birthday party of the century kaya may magco-cover na media
at lahat ng malalaking pamilya na kaibigan o 'di kaya'y kamag-anak namin, imbitado.
"Si Mommy?" tanong ko kay Jaxon nang narinig galing sa gym ang buzz.
Tumayo si Jax at umiling nang nilingon ang entrance gallery. Lumabas ako ng gym
pagkatapos ng mahigit isang oras na pagka-cardio.
Earlier today, Mommy finally figured out how poor she is. Of course, ngayon pa lang
niya malalaman iyon dahil noong Wednesday umalis si Nikolai! Now that Nikole's out,
she has to pay for her own bills, even just a little things. I'm even quite
surprised that she immediately figured out! Biyernes pa lang ngayon naubos niya na
ang sampung libo? I know it's a small amount of money but she doesn't pay anything!
The bills of that penthouse is all paid by Nikolai! Kahit pagkain niya! Lahat! Kaya
ano maari ang pinagkagastusan ni Mommy para malaman niyang wala siyang pera sa loob
lang ng dalawang araw?
Natawa pa nga ako dahil si Jaxon ang nakasagot sa tawag ni Mommy. Hindi pa kami
nagpapalit ng phone kaya siya tuloy ang nakasagot and without my presence! Well of
course the brute bribed her!
Naabutan ko siyang kaharap ang check book habang may kausap sa cellphone niya.
Kagagaling ko lang sa banyo nang nakita ko siya.
"This is nothing," I heard him say those words.
Kahit hindi naman nakaloudspeaker, sa galit ni Mommy, umaapaw ang boses niya sa
cellphone na hawak ni Jaxon.
"Huwag na, Jaxon! I just wanna talk to my daughter. I don't know what's up with you
two changing phones. I bet this is because she doesn't want me to talk to her about
this, huh?"
"Si Mommy?" tawag ko.
Jax turned to me. He nodded. Lumapit ako at inilahad na ang kamay ko. He looked
hesitant to give me the phone. I had to remind him about my plan bago niya magalang
na sinabihan si Mommy na ako na ang sasagot.
"Ubos ang ipon ko dahil sa kanya. Don't you dare ruin my plan!" pabulong ngunit
mariin kong sinabi.
Pagkabigay niya sa phone sa akin, hindi na ako nakapagsalita.
"What are you doing, Amber? If you want me to earn, how can I do it without money?
You can't expect me to stay home and earn! Hindi ka pa mapupulubi sa natirang pera
at babayaran ko naman ang nagasta ko! You probably forgot that I have my own
account!"
"Mom-"
"Hindi mo ba naaalala na inubos ko ang pera ko sa account ko para lang ilagay diyan
sa joint account na 'yan at ngayon finreeze mo? Para mo na ring finreeze ang pera
ko!" she ranted and then started her dramatic sobs that always get me. "I am all
alone here and broke? Umalis ka lang, ganito ka na?"
"Mommy, I'm sorry-"
"No, I don't think you are sorry! I'm going there and settle this once and for all!
Bukas na ang birthday ni Papa-"
"You don't pay for Grandpa's party and for sure you already have dresses for it-"
"How about my accessories?"
Napakurap-kurap ako, hindi agad na proseso ang problema ni Mommy.
"At isa pa? You expect me to live the poor life from now on? No!"
"Mom..."
The line went off. I can imagine her murdering her phone just for a dramatic exit.
Nasisiguro ko rin na hindi magtatapos iyon sa tawag lang. She mentioned that she's
coming and I'm sure she will. Mabuti na rin at para makapag-usap kami ng
masinsinan. Si Jacques lang naman ang inaalala ko dahil ayokong naririnig niya ang
mga bagay na ganito. Bukod pa sa anak ko, may panibago yata akong problema.
I dropped my phone on Jaxon's waiting palm as I glare at him.
"I told you to let me deal with my Mom," sabi ko sabay sulyap sa checkbook na
nakapatong sa side table.
He only pursed his lips and stared at me as I rolled my eyes at him and walked
away. Alam ko namang may sinasabi na siya sa buhay ngayon. Alam ko rin na sa tayog
ng pride ni Mommy, hindi siya papayag na manghingi ng tulong kay Jaxon. Given the
history. But then I don't want him tempting to help my Mom.
Kaya ngayon, naghihintay na lang ako sa pagdating ni Mommy. Pagkalabas ko ng gym,
nawala na si Jaxon sa paningin ko. Tumayo at tumakbo na rin ang anak patungo sa
entrance gallery. Naglakad ako para makita kung sino nga ang dumating pero hindi
naman pala si Mommy iyon. It's just Tito Achilles.
Wearing a dark gray knitted longsleeves, a casual pants, and brown shoes, the tall
and handsome man graced the room. Excited na nagmano si Jacques at pagkatapos
inangat nito ito at niyakap.
"Tito Achilles," sabi ko medyo nagulat sa presensya niya.
Tumango si Tito sa akin. "Naka istorbo ba ako sa inyo? Nasabi ko kay Jaxon na
pupunta ako ngayon, dito na magtatanghalian dahil may binisita ako sa malapit."
Nagkatinginan ang mag-ama. Jax was lazily crossing his arms with a suspiscious
glare at his father after he mentioned the last sentence.
"Your girlfriend..." Jaxon said nonchalantly.
Nakakahiya pang medyo nagulat ako roon. It never occurred to me that Tito Achilles
would want to consider a "girlfriend"! I mean, yes he should be happy. Ilang taon
na nga ba itong byudo? Or maybe he did have some girlfriends or a steady girlfriend
all along, I just didn't know? It just didn't matter to me? I just didn't look much
into that because I only see him as a father and nothing more.
Now that I heard Jaxon teasing him, I looked at Tito Achilles from head to foot and
realize that the man can actually afford a young and pretty girlfriend. Uminit ang
pisngi ko sa sariling naiisip. It's as if it's a big sin for me to think about him
in that light.
"Ikaw talaga. Baka anong isipin ni Amber."
"You have a girlfriend, Lolo?" ang anak ko.
Umayos ng tayo si Jaxon at binawi ang anak sa pag-angat ni Tito Achilles dito. I
saw the silent war in the eyes of Tito and Jaxon. The former proceeded into a more
formal expression when he looked at me.
"Wala, Jacques. Amber, ayos lang ba na dito na ako magtanghalian?"
"Opo. Uh, I'm also expecting some friends, Philomena and Harper."
Medyo napaisip si Tito Achilles sa sinabi ko. Jaxon put Jacques down as he turned
to me with a hawklike eyes.
"Papa, that's Harper of Daniella Zaldua."
Ako naman ngayon ang kumunot ang noo sa sinabi ni Jaxon.
"Oh! Small world," si Tito Achilles na naabutan ang lito kong ekspresyon.
"Your friend's girlfriend is Daniella Zaldua," Jaxon said with a vile tone.
Hindi ko na napigilan sa sarili ang gulat. I remained shocked because I'm Harper's
friend but I didn't know that he has a girlfriend. Kung meron, ako siyempre ang isa
sa makakaalam noon! Kitang-kita ni Jaxon ang gulat ko. I even sensed that he's both
satisfied and annoyed with my expression.
"M-May girlfriend si Harper?"
"Oo. Meron," he said a bit more aggressively.
"Uh, Daniella Zaldua is a daughter of a friend, Amber," si Tito Achilles.
Tumango ako dahil kahit paano, kilala ko iyon bilang socialite din naman. But i
really didn't know that Harper has a girlfriend.
"Ano po ang dala n'yo, Lolo?" Jacques asked when he noticed Ate Nelia's preparation
from Tito Achilles' pasalubong.
"Ah. Halika..."
And then they went to the dining area, living me and Jaxon alone watching each
other's expression.
"Hindi ko kasi alam. I mean, hindi niya nasabi. Uh, kahit close kami. H-Hindi rin
nabanggit ni Phillie."
"You should ask him to confirm it," he said it meaningfully while he waited more
for my still shocked reaction.
Hindi talaga ako makapaniwala. Naestatwa ako. I know we don't see each other all
the time but I always thought I'd hear from him if ever there's a news like this.
"Bakit? Pinapaasa ka pa ba?" kunot-noong nag-iwas ng tingin si Jaxon sa akin.
Lalo ding kumunot ang noo ko sa tanong niya. It was as if there's an underlying
feeling with his dark question.
"No."
Binalik niya ang tingin sa akin. His cold eyes made me shiver. "Umaasa ka?"
Bata pa kami ni Harper nang naging kami. I couldn't even remember now how it felt.
The most prominent hurdle I had with Jaxon after his career was my cheating with
Harper. I wonder if he believed, for years, that Harper is the love of my life. I
wonder if he believed my Mom's meaningful words about me and Harper planning for my
escape in Costa Leona through my relationship with Jax. Or did he believe that I
wasn't drunk enough to not stop Harper from his kisses in that bar back when I was
eighteen.
Hanggang ngayon ba, iniisip niya iyon?
Sa bagay, kahit pa lasing ako noon, it was all my fault. If he got drunk and a
random girl kisses him in a bar, I don't think I would forgive him. I couldn't
almost forgive him for making it seem like he kissed Rowena that day. What more if
I'd seen it in all angles, the tongue grazing his lips, the hand all over him...
and that's while we are in a relationship. I don't think my soul could ever rest.
"Hindi ako umaasa. Wala akong nararamdaman para kay Harper. Magkaibigan lang kami.
It's just that, I thought Phillie and I will know first if he has a girlfriend.
That's all."
His expression remained hard. A few moments more and I felt him loosen up a bit but
his lips remained in a grim line, and eyes dark. Hindi ko na kailangang isipin pang
mabuti kung ano ang problema niya sa usapan namin. I immediately got it. He's
jealous. He was once jealous about Harper and even though he vowed to make
everything right, control his jealousy, and be more sensible, I sensed that it's
hard work for him.
"Alright," he said and then slowly went to where Tito Achilles and Jacques were.
Sumunod na rin ako roon. Maraming dinalang pagkain si Tito Achilles. Dagdag iyon sa
pinahandang pagkain ni Jax para sa pagdating ni Philiie at Harper. Bukod pa roon,
may darating pa nga pala kaming bisita. Si Mommy!
Nagpaalam muna ako na mag brisk shower at mag-ayos. I left them in the kitchen,
having fun talking and teasing. Lalo na si Tito Achilles at Jacques. Marami siyang
mga tanong sa anak ko, sinasagot naman ng maayos. It's just that Tito Achilles
knows how to humor him so Jacques can't stop laughing and be so intrigued.
Nag-aayos na ako sa mukha, katatapos lang magbihis nang bahagya kong narinig ang
buzz. Mabilisan kong tinapos ang ginagawa. Mabilis na pinasadahan ng hair dryer ang
basang buhok bago lumabas. Konting kaba ang naramdaman ko nang naisip na si Mommy
na kaya iyon. I felt relieved when I saw that it was just Harper and Phillie. No...
not just them, actually! Daniella Zaldua, Harper's girlfriend, was with them!
Galing sa gulat na ekspresyon, unti-unti akong ngumiti para sa kaibigan. Phillie
kissed my cheek and smiled at me. Hindi na nagtagal ang tingin ko sa kaibigan dahil
nanatili na kay Harper at sa kasama nitong girlfriend.
"Did you know?" iyon lang ang nasabi ko kay Phillie sabay turo bahagya kay Harper.
Phillie nodded and smiled awkwardly. Binalik ko ang tingin ko kay Daniella Zaldua.
The girl was pretty with her long hair, hourglass body, and cute floral dress.
Naglahad siya ng kamay kasabay ng pagpapakilala ni Harper.
"I'm sorry. I was told you didn't receive my reply. Dinala ko tuloy nang 'di
nakakapagpaalam sa'yo," si Harper sabay sulyap kay Jaxon.
Jaxon smiled darkly at him then turned to me. His expression was least my concern
now because this is such a shock. Nilingon ko ulit si Phillie na nakatingin na kay
Jacques, kinakawayan, inaabala ang sarili.
"Daniella Zaldua, Amber, my girlfriend," kumpirma ni Harper.
"Hi! I'm Amber. Nice to meet you. There's no problem, Harper!" sabay kamay ko kay
Daniella. "Ano ka ba? Ang tagal na nating magkaibigan, of course okay lang kung
ipakilala mo sa akin ang girlfriend mo! About time!"
Nagtawanan kami pagkatapos. Daniella smiled widely and commented on the design of
the entrance gallery and the spacious penthouse. Jaxon politely said thanks when
she asked kung sino ang may ideya sa lahat ng ito at nasabi kong siya.
Hindi talaga ako makarecover sa nalaman. I can't seem to contain the shock I'm
feeling about Harper's girl. Hindi siya nagkagirlfriend sa loob ng ilang taon
naming muling pagkikita. I can't help but blame Phillie for keeping everything
silent.
"Bakit 'di mo sinabi sa akin? Ikaw talaga!" saway ko kay Phillie.
Nakaupo na kami ngayon sa hapag. Nasa kabisera si Jaxon nakaupo, sa tabi si
Jacques, si Tito Achilles. Ako naman sa tapat ni Jacques, sa tabi ko si Phillie,
Harper, at Daniella.
"I was just so busy," si Phillie.
"Congrats, Harper!" tukso ko sabay sungaw sa kanila.
At dahil magkakilala na naman pala si Tito Achilles at Daniella, naging madali na
rin ang usapan. Harper was also very talkative that particular day. I never thought
it'd turn out that way. Akala ko nga si Phillie ang mag-iingay, nagkamali ako.
Kumain na kami at naging masigla ang tanghalian. Jaxon's been civil to Harper so
far so it's all getting better. Patapos na kami sa pagkain nang masiglang umikot si
Jacques sa hapag. Jaxon's eyes traced him and stopped when my son pulled Phillie's
hand.
"Tita, I can't wait to try your gift. Please teach me how to play it!"
Tumawa si Phillie. "Tapos ka na bang kumain?"
"Yes!"
Nagkatinginan kami ni Phillie. It was as if Phillie is waiting for a confirmation
from me. Tumikhim ako at nilingon si Jaxon. Tumango siya sa akin. Bahagya kong
natanto ang ginawa ko. Bakit ko pa kinailangan magpaalam sa kanya?
"Jacques, huwag mag tagal. Just learn the basics. Your Mama wants to talk to your
Tita Phillie so don't keep her busy," si Jaxon.
Napabaling ako kay Phillie. Her reaction was priceless. She smiled widely and
pinched my side. Gayang-gaya sa naiimagine kong reaksyon niya sa sinabi ni Jaxon.
Pinagdudahan ko pa kung bibiruin niya ba ako dahil medyo matamlay siya.
"Alright, Papa!" si Jacques.
"Alright, Fafa Jax! Antayin ko na lang lumaki 'tong si Jacques para magkalovelife
ako!" Phillie laughed hysterically.
Of course, I know she's just joking. Bahagya ko siyang tinampal. Umilag naman siya
at tumawa. Jaxon laughed a bit at her remark.
"A cougar now, huh?" Harper fired sharply.
"Harper!" balik ko dahil hindi ko gusto ang salitang gamit.
Binalingan ko si Jacques at nakitang hindi naman narinig ng anak dahil nakalayo na
sila ni Phillie. Phillie only waved.
"Ikaw talaga!" saway ko nang nakalayo na ang dalawa.
"Sorry. Can't help it," sabi niya ng nahimasmasan.
Uminom siya ng tubig at bumaling sa girlfriend nang may tanong itong tungkol sa
ibang topic. Tito Achilles shrugged the awkward moment off and turned to Jaxon.
"Handa na ba kayo para bukas?" he asked.
Tumango ako. My grandpa's birthday is a big event. Almost everyone I know is
invited. Siyempre kasali na ang mga Riego. Hindi lang naman kasi si Mommy ang nag
imbita. Tito Solomon and Tito Remus were also in charge of the invites. So all the
prominent families in Costa Leona will be there.
"Handa na-"
Jaxon was cut midsentence by the buzz. Dahil nakaantabay si Ate Nelia, agarang
nabuksan ang pintuan at hindi pa nakikita sa entrance gallery kung sino ang
dumating, alam ko na agad dahil nagsimula na si Mommy sa kanyang litanya.
"How dare you freeze my accounts! All of it! I was just ordering sparkling water in
Manila Pen when I noticed it! Hiyang-hiya ako. Pinahiya mo ako, Amber!" si Mommy
nang nagtama ang tingin namin.
She did not even care to look at whoever's in our table. Talagang lumapit lang siya
roon habang nagsasalita. Her long buttondown dress, black mid-high heeled boots,
red scarf, and hair in a sophisticated bun with a black limited edition Hermes on
her forearm. She certainly doesn't look like someone who can't pay for a sparkling
water in Manila Pen.
"Mom..."
Tumayo ako, bahagyang nahiya dahil may mga bisita. Nanatili ang mga mata ni Mommy
sa akin lalo na nang nagpatuloy siya sa sinasabi.
"Pinahiya mo ako! Now everyone thinks I don't have anything at all! At for sure
kung wala ang Benz ni Nikolai, hahayaan mo akong sumakay sa low end cars or worse,
don't tell me you'll let me just do Uber!!!"
"Mommy!"
Bumaling si Tito Achilles sa kanya at unti-unting tumayo to pay respect for her
arrival. Jax did the same kaya gumaya naman si Daniella at Harper. Lumapit ako kay
Mommy pero nakita ko ang gulat sa mga mata niya nang nakita kung sino ang naroon sa
hapag.
"G-Good afternoon, T-Tita," si Harper.
I saw her swallow hard. I saw how her poise deliberately got destroyed for a
moment. Nang bumaling si Mommy sa akin, ramdam ko pa rin ang hindi niya pa
pagkakarecover.
"What a crowd," she noted.
Napakurap-kurap siya. Uminit ang pisngi ko. For some reason, I felt the secondhand
embarrassment for her.
"Mom, halika sa living area. Doon na po tayo mag-usap," sabi ko.
She was hesitant at first. Kalaunan, diretso na ang tingin niya sa malayong sala.
Pinigilan nga lang kami ni Jaxon.
"Kumain po muna kayo."
Mommy turned to the long rectangular dining table. Tito Achilles moved when he saw
Mom's hungry-looking eyes. Kaya lang, binawi ni Mommy ang tingin at ibinalik sa
akin.
"Hindi ka pa po nagla-lunch?" gulat at awa ang naghalo sa damdamin ko nang natanto
iyon.
Of course Maria Emilia did not look back. Siya pa ang nauna sa pagwo-walk out doon
at pagpunta sa living area. Sumunod ako sa kanya pagkatapos kong pormal na
magpaalam kay Harper, Daniella, at Tito Achilles. Jaxon stalked us in the living
room, too.
"Mom," I called behind her. "Kumain ka po muna."
She reached the large glass sliding doors of the balcony when she immediately
turned to me for a soft sermon.
"Nakakain na sana ako kung may pambayad ako sa order ko kanina sa Manila Pen,
Amber."
Kinagat ko ang labi ko at tumigil sa paglapit sa kanya. Nasa gitna na ako ng
pagbibigay dahil sa matinding awa para sa ina.
"Why do you have to eat in Manila Pen? You have enough food sa Penthouse at kung
may gusto ka, puwede ka namang magsabi kay Ate."
Napakurap-kurap siya. Obviously, hindi niya inasahan ang tanong na iyon. That made
me smell something fishy about whatever is her rendezvous in that hotel.
"So that's why you froze everything? Kasi iniisip mo nakakakain naman ako sa
Penthouse? Ganoon?"
"No, Mommy. Wala na tayong pera, okay? If I don't freeze it, ano nang matitira sa
atin? Bibili ka lang ng mga damit, alahas, bag, hindi mo iniisip iyong matitira."
"I told you I'll pay for that painting eventually. So stop the freezing and be
sensical, Amber!"
"How, Mommy? I told you to just manage The Coast. Help out Tito Remus and Snow. You
have that talent for management so why don't you put that to good use?"
"Ayokong bumalik sa Costa Leona-"
"Why?" medyo iritado kong naisip ang dahilan niya. "You don't have a reason to not
go back, we both know that. We both know why you don't wanna go back to Costa Leona
pero wala na siya roon, clearly, kaya ano pang dahilan mo, Mommy? Unless gusto mo
rito dahil alam mong nandito siya?"
Mommy glared at me so ruthlessly. Kung nakamamatay ang tingin, pinalalamayan na ako
ngayon. Ganoon katindi ang galit na ipinamalas niya sa akin. I felt Jaxon's hand
hold mine. Napabaling ako sa likod ko dahil sa ginawa niya at doon ko natanto na
hindi lang kaming tatlo ang naroon. Tito Achilles was standing just behind Jaxon. I
realized then what have I done. Halos matutop ko ang labi ko. I thought Mommy would
never recover from that but in a blink, her poise got back like nothing happened.
"Palilipasin ko lang ang party bukas. Don't worry, hija, I will pay for the
painting and I will definitely put my talents to use," she said the last words
meaningfully. Hindi tuloy ako sigurado kung seryoso ba siya roon o hindi. Bukod pa
roon, I felt that her words were marked with finality.
Inayos niya ang scarf sa kanyang leeg at ang ayos ng Hermes sa kanyang braso.
Naglakad si Mommy palapit sa akin at hinalikan ako ng marahan. Hinawakan ko ang
palapulsuhan ni Mommy para pigilan siya sa nagbabadyang pagpapaalam.
"Kumain ka muna, Mommy. Ipapatawag ko si Jacques. Nasa family room with Phillie."
"I'll meet someone in Manila Pen later. Kailangan ko nang bumalik. Babalik na lang
ako next time at mukhang busy kayo," aniya.
I squeezed her hand because I really want her to stay for a bit but I don't think I
can make her stay. She bowed politely at Jaxon, bahagya kong naramdaman na kahit
paano may pagbabago sa kanyang pakikitungo rito. I thought she'd do that to Tito
Achilles as well but she didn't. Parang hangin si Tito para sa kanya. Nilagpasan
niya ito nang 'di man lang sinusulyapan. The reason why it didn't shock me when
Tito Achilles held her hand. My Mom glared at him cooly. Natigil sa paglalakad at
lumingon, binawi ang kamay.
"Magkano ang kailangan mo?"
Gusto ko agad umapila but Jax pulled me towards him, shielding me from whatever or
hiding me from something.
"Not sure but a one way ticket to Germany is fine," Mommy said seriously.
"What?" napabulong ako kay Jaxon.
"Susundan mo pa talaga..." Tito Achilles nailed it.
For me, that's nothing. It's just Nikolai. Pero lahat yata ng makakarinig sa sinabi
ni Mommy na hindi alam ang totoo sa pagkatao ni Nikolai, makukuha agad ang gustong
ipahiwatig ni Mommy. Mommy smiled evilly when she realized that her answer annoyed
Tito Achilles so much.
"If you can't afford to give me what I want, don't ask me again," Mommy said grimly
as she staged the best exit.

[ 38 Kabanata36 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 36
Pearl
Pagkatapos ng eksena ni Mommy, medyo tahimik na si Tito Achilles. Nag-iba rin ang
timpla ko pero sinubukan kong umayos para makausap naman si Phillie at Harper. I
told them about my problem with Mommy's expenses.
"She'll put her talents to us, sabi niya kanina," I said, a bit worried now.
Nasa counter si Tito Achilles, kasama si Jacques ngayon. Tahimik ang dalawa na nag-
uusap pero alam kong nakikinig si Tito dahil pasulyap-sulyap siya sa banda namin.
Jax listened to my rant. Ganoon din si Harper at ang girlfriend niya samantalang si
Phillie lang ang nagbabahagi ng saloobin tungkol kay Mommy.
"That's her exact words?" Phillie smirked evilly.
Sapo ang noo ko, tinanguan ko ang kaibigan. Mas lalong lumapad ang ngiti ni
Phillie.
"Anong talent naman kaya iyon?"
Ngumuso ako at nag-isip. "Hotel management? Though, I hope she won't find an easy
way out of the situation."
"Exactly. She may opt an easy way out for this, Amber. Instead of working and
saving money."
Her smile grew more. She now looks like a cheshire car with a big curly wig of a
hair.
"And we both know that her most prominent talent is not exactly hotel management,"
Phillie noted.
Nagkatinginan kami ng kaibigan. Phillie is my best friend. Kahit wala pa siyang
sinasabi, pareho naming kilalang kilala si Mommy. I lightened up when I imagine
what she's exactly imagining right now. Sa huli pareho kaming suminghap at natawa
na lang sa makahulugang titigan.
"Perhaps you have a Lopez uncle who's widowed, Phillie?" sabay tawa ko.
Humagalpak na rin si Phillie. Umiling na lang ako.
"What do you mean by that?" Jax asked darkly as he shifted on his seat.
Sasabihin ko sanang biro lang naman iyon. My Mom married young and that's when all
the prominent bachelors tried to pursue her but she chose Gaudencio Sevilla, my
father. Ganunpaman, hindi lingid sa kaalaman ko na marami pa rin ang nangarap sa
kanya despite her ties to my father. It was one reason why it's so easy for me and
Snow to conclude that she had another man because aside from her social side, she's
also very attractive to all the males near her age.
"Hindi nababagay sa Mama mo, Amber, ang isang lalaking magkukunsinti sa kanya. Ang
dapat sa kanya'y marunong din dumisiplina," si Tito Achilles.
Umayos ako sa pagkakaupo at tumango sa sinabi ni Tito.
"I was just joking, po. Maybe she doesn't have to have a man to fix her problem
right now. She can do it all by herself."
"Yeah. I just can't help but think that there's an easy way out of her
predicament," si Phillie. "Isa pa, wala na kayo sa iisang bubong. She may be very
lonely and to compensate for that, she might shop more. Tito Arturo's friend, you
know Tito Geoffrey was so lonely that he needed an outlet. Kaya ayon, nagcasino."
"There's plenty of rooms here. She can stay here if she wants. I will offer," si
Jaxon.
Oh gosh. You don't know Maria Emilia. Although her opinion of Jax has changed, it
will take more years and many remarkable events before she swallows her pride and
agree to stay here.
"My Mom won't leave Nikolai... Nikolai's penthouse, I mean. Hihintayin ko na lang
ang sinabi niya. For sure she has her own plans so I'll just let her be."
Mabuti na lang at hindi rin nagtagal ang topic. Iyon nga lang, nang nabago at
nagkatuwaan na kami nina Harper at Phillie, kinailangan na rin nilang umalis. They
have things to do, ganoon din si Tito Achilles kaya nang umalis ang tatlo, sumunod
na rin ito.
"When are you going to teach me how to fish, Lolo?" si Jacques, ngayon ko lang
namalayan kung tungkol saan ang kanina pa pinag-uusapan nila.
"When we go to Costa Leona na, Jacques," si Jaxon.
Tumango ang anak ko. "I'm excited to see the boats! You grew up there, Papa? I want
to live there, too!"
"Yes, Jacques."
Nawala ang atensyon ni Jacques nang yakapin siya ni Tito Achilles. Nasa harap na
kami ng pintuan. Humalukipkip ako at pinanood na lang sila.
"See you tomorrow," si Tito.
Tumango ako at nanatili ang panonood. Gabi na nang umuwi si Tito Achilles. Jacques
immediately dragged his father on the family room for the Playstation game
Philomena brought him. Hinayaan ko na lang sila at chineck na lang ang dining area
at kitchen kung may hindi pa ba naliligpit.
Nang natapos ako sa ginagawa, narinig ko namang nasa gym na ang mag-ama. I can hear
the basketball bouncing and Jacques laughs. Dumiretso na ako sa kuarto para ihanda
sa walk in closet ang napiling isusuot bukas.
After a special blocking and rehearsal for Michael's annual fashion show, I picked
this sparkling midnight blue Annie Schiffer halter gown with a very long front left
leg slit. Isang strict formal party kasi ang hinanda ng pamilya para kay Lolo. I
did not bring my accessories here but the gown doesn't need any more bling. Maybe a
studded earrings are fine and that's all.
Jacques will wear a midnight blue suit and a brown shoes. Jaxon had it tailored
wherever he gets his own suit. Nasa walk in closet iyon ni Jaxon at hinanda ko na
kahapon pa lang. After checking my things, I started calling my agent for more
information about my hectic week next week.
First day is the Annual fashion show. Mommy, obviously, can't come. I have two
tickets but I don't think Jacques is allowed to be in the show. Mabuti na lang at
malapit sa condo nina Snow ang show kaya puwedeng iwan saglit si Jacques doon
kasama si Ate Nelia at dapat maging si Jaxon but he said he'll "accompany" me.
There will be a rest day and the next days will be a continuation of the Uni
project, fitting para sa show, and many more! Iniisip kong babalik na rin yata si
Jaxon sa pagtatrabaho. Although, I can see that he'd work at home every now and
then.
Pagkatapos kong ayusin ang schedule ko, lumabas ako ng kuwarto para tingnan kung
nasaan na sila. They are now checking the improvement of Jacques' room. Mabilis ang
pagawa at kaunti lang ang changes kaya malapit na ring matapos iyon. Nag-uusap
silang dalawa kaya hinayaan ko na ulit at pumasok na sa banyo para maligo at
maghanda sa pagtulog.
My head is filled with Mommy's predicaments the whole time. I can't help but note
that she went back to Manila Pen after her rants here. Wala na siyang pera pero
bumalik pa rin siya. Who could possibly pay for her lunch there. Then I felt sad
for Mommy. Should I unfreeze my accounts? Ang sakit naman sa ulo nito.
Pagkatapos kong mag-ayos, nasa kama na ang mag-ama. They are both done bathing and
are in their clothes for bed. Kahit na halatang antok na si Jacques, pinipilit
niyang dumilat. Jaxon's laptop is on his lap. Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin sa
kalagitnaan ng ginagawa habang ang anak ko naman sinundan ako ng tingin nang umikot
ako sa tamang side ng bed.
"Mama, the paint doesn't smell. I can now have my own room!"
Nagkatinginan kami ni Jaxon. And then he turned to his laptop and started typing.
Tumikhim ako para sa anak.
"That's good. When do you plan to sleep there? Hindi ka ba natatakot?"
Umiling si Jacques, looking annoyed with my last question. "Of course not! Besides,
I like having my own room and not stay with you and Papa. That's called privacy."
Medyo nagulat ako sa mga sinasabi ni Jacques. Pagilid na nilingon ni Jax si
Jacques. Jacques smiled widely and turned to his father.
"If I have my room, I have my privacy. If you two stay in this room, you have your
privacy."
Hilaw akong ngumisi para sa anak. I can sense my eyebrow twitching from Jaxon's
weird teachings to him.
"Mama and Papa knocks first and wait until I give the permission before going
inside my room. I will knock and call first, wait for your answer, before going
inside this room. Privacy."
The hell is my son talking about?
Itinabi ni Jaxon ang laptop niya, hindi na yata nakayanan na sinasabi ng anak ang
mga itinuturo niya. Gusto ko tuloy sabihin ngayon na gusto ko ng sariling kuwarto
kaso parang ang hirap lalo na sa harap ni Jacques. Sa huli, inisip ko na lang na
'tsaka ko na irerequest iyon kay Jaxon kapag kami lang dalawa at malayo sa pandinig
ng anak.
Nagkukulitan pa ang dalawa, nakatulog na ako. Sa pagod siguro iyon kaya naman maaga
rin akong nagising. Jacques was still asleep when I woke up. Jaxon was already
awake but he closed his eyes again and hugged my son for comfort. Hinayaan ko
silang ganoon ang ayos nang bumangon ako para tingnan ang breakfast na lulutuin ng
kasambahay.
It was a usual day for the whole morning. Naging hectic lang nang tumuntong ng 1PM
at dumagsa na ang tawag nina Snow at Tita Athena para sa last minute preparation sa
birthday ni Lolo.
I did my make up. Even when I was offered by some famous make up artist to do it
for free just for promotion. Nahihiya kasi akong pumili kaya minabuti kong
tanggihan na lang ang lahat.
Nagsimula akong kabahan para sa party nang nag alas kuatro na. I regret rejecting
Snow's offer to come earlier in the hotel. Naisip kong kung sana maaga kami,
maipapakilala ko si Jacques sa mga relative ni Jaxon ng mas maaga rin. I won't have
to make a scene on the party proper but it's too late for that now.
"Do I look like you now, Papa?" si Jacques pagkatapos ayusan ni Jaxon ng bowtie.
Jax chuckled and nodded. Jacques smiled and went to the walk in closet for a bigger
view of himself. Nakaupo pa si Jax sa kama, inaayos ang sapatos samantalang
nakatayo naman ako sa harap ng tukador, inaayos na lang ng konti ang buhok.
Kanina pa kami tahimik na nag-aayos. Panay ang sulyap niya sa akin sa salamin kaya
napapatingin ako sa kanya pabalik.
"I'll see if Ate Nelia's ready! I'll show her my suit!" Jacques announced and ran
out of the door.
I checked the slit of my long gown and checked my face again.
"I bought you something, as well. Wear it," si Jax pagkatapos ay tumayo sa likod
ko.
Hindi ko na kailangan siyang lingunin dahil nakikita ko siya sa salamin.
"The black box on the dresser," dagdag niya.
Tumango na lang ako at tiningnan iyon. May itim ngang box doon. I wonder what it
is. If it's a necklace, hindi rin masyadong makikita dahil halter top ang suot ko.
I opened it and got a shock of my life when I saw what's inside.
Unang tingin, gusto kong umapila. This is an engagement ring! There is just no
doubt about it. It's a thick white gold ring with a pearl as a center and small
diamonds around it and also around the ring! Kumalabog ang puso ko ng husto.
Nagkatinginan kami sa salamin. But he didn't ask me to marry him so this might just
be a fancy ring for an occassion like this. I don't want to assume fast.
Kalmado kong kinuha iyon para ibsan ang kaba at kakaibang nararamdaman ko para
rito. Walang kahirap-hirap kong isinuot sa gitnang daliri ko thinking that if it's
a fashion ring, it could fit but when it didn't, I glanced at the mirror again.
He's watching my hand trying to wear it with an amusement etched on his face.
Nakaupo pa rin siya, naghihintay na maisuot ko iyon.
"Hindi kasya," my voice grew hoarse because although I didn't want to assume, that
look on his face told me that he's just waiting for me to fall for his trap.
"Let me see..." he said tenderly and held out his hand.
I held out the ring to give it to him. Ibabagsak ko lang sana ang singsing pero
buong kamay ko ang hinawakan at hinila niya kaya wala akong nagawa kundi ang
mapalapit.
His lips pouted in a supposed serious moment of examining the ring. His knees were
jailing me in between his thighs as he picked my ring finger. Nag-angat siya ng
tingin sa akin bago niya mabilis na ipinasok ang singsing doon. Umawang ang labi
ko, hindi na nagkaroon ng pagkakataong umapila pero ginawa pa rin pagkatapos.
His arms then locked my legs up so I wouldn't get out of his hold. Sinubukan kong
hubarin ang singsing pero tamang tama lang ang sukat nito na medyo mahirap pang
tanggalin! He smirked. Hindi ko na kailangang magtanong pa. Sa itsura niya pa lang,
alam kong patibong nga ito.
"What's this for, huh? Hindi ibig sabihin na ganito ang arrangement natin, payag na
ako nito!" I ranted.
"Kaya nga ako nanligaw, 'di ba? Sinusuyo-"
"Nanliligaw ka? Tapos may ganito na?" sabay pakita ko sa kamay kong may singsing.
Nagtaas siya ng kilay. His look remained amused as he watched me panic.
"I don't want to marry you. Kaya 'yang panliligaw mo, invalid. I told you already
that I am just accepting a hook up and I'm not up for anything serious. Well if
this is a hook up ring, ayos lang!"
His amused eyes glared at me. His smile wasn't a particularly friendly smile. I
panicked more when I realized what I just said. Anong ayos lang, Amber? Ayos lang
na hook-up ring 'yan? Kasi pumapayag kang makipag hook-up sa kanya? Huwag kang
pahahalatang tigang na tigang ka! Damn it!
"Shut up with the hook up. We did not even hook up unless you're telling me that
our occasional make out sessions are your kind of hook up."
Hindi ako makahanap ng mga salita. Basta't hinahabol ko ang hininga ko lalo na't
nakatingala siya sa akin, may ekspresyon ng pagkakaaliw na hinaluan ng iritasyon.
Tinitigan ko ng maigi ang singsing while his other hand continued to snare around
me.
His face found a way to my neck. Nakaliliyo ang tama ng hininga niya sa aking leeg.
Gusto ko siyang awatin kaya hinawakan ko siya sa balikat pero hindi ko magawang
itulak siya palayo lalo na nang tumama ang labi niya sa aking labi.
He kissed and bit my lips like a hungry tormented animal. I felt dizzy at the way
he did it. Para akong mababaliw nang naramdaman ko ang kontrolado niyang pananabik.
I only stopped thinking that he controlled his desire when I felt his hand on my
side boob.
"Tss. Jax!" saway ko.
"Pakakasal ka sakin..." he whispered.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Gusto kong ipilit ang hook up na gusto ko. Gusto ko! Gusto
ko pa talaga ha! Kaso lang, anong sasabihin ko kay Jacques kapag nagtanong iyon,
kung sakali, na ano kami ng Papa niya? I should think of a way to combat his sudden
crazy questions or I'd choke on the spot.
"Jacques, ka hook up ko lang ang Papa mo."
If I answer that, it sounds weird plus it will teach my son his father's playboy
damn ways! No way!
Meanwhile, my make up is ruined because he kisses too much. And that's while I have
all this monologue inside my head. I saw his lips stained a bit with my lipstick.
His licks on his lips made it all disappear. Hahalik ulit ng marahan at ganoon ulit
ang gagawin.
"Puwede namang hindi na tayo pakakasal dahil lang kay Jacques. Maiintindihan niya
naman-"
I stopped because it caught his attention so much. He stopped his kisses and he
looked at me darkly.
"Our son is out of this topic. This is just all about us," mataman at medyo galit
niyang sinabi.
Dinungaw ko siya. Medyo guilty sa naiisip ko.
"When we talk about us, our son is out of that," mariin niyang sinabi habang
tinititigan akong mabuti. Hindi naman ako makatingin sa kanya. "Is that all you
think about now? That I'm all pursuing you because we have a son, Amber?"
Sasang-ayon sana ako dahil kahit sa sarili ko, naisip ko rin iyon. Na pumayag na
lang sa kanya for the sake of my son. But I'm scared because I know, the truth is,
it isn't just about Jacques for me. I know myself. I know how much I'm crazy for
him. And I'm scared. I want to tell him about it but if I do, I know there will be
turning back then for me. If I tell him how I really feel, then all my fears will
come true. I will be vulnerable again. The darkness I jailed in that urn will be
unleashed and will forever rule me.
Ngumuso na lang ako. Narinig namin ang tawa ni Jacques sa labas at ang tawag niya
sa amin doon. I glanced at the door thinking he'd storm in of the room but he
didn't. Jaxon's dark and serious eyes remained on me. Fury is etched passionately
in his glare pakiramdam ko tuloy babawiin niya ang engagement ring na ibinigay
dahil sa nalaman niya ngayon.
"Sige," sabi ko at uminit ng husto ang pisngi.
"Anong sige?" mariin pa rin ang tono niya, naghihintay ng kamalian ko.
"G-Girlfriend na lang muna. P-Pag-iisipan ko pa 'to."
"Pag-iisipan mo lang ba dahil may anak tayo?" hindi pa rin natinag ang boses niya
kahit na matinding pag-amin na para sa akin ang huling sinabi.
Nagkatinginan kami. Strands of my darkness in that urn were unleashed a bit and
although I know it's petty, I can't help but challenge him.
"Bakit babawiin mo ba ito kapag sinabi kong "Oo"?"
"Gusto kong pakasalan mo ako dahil mahal mo ako. Hindi dahil may anak na tayo."
"Kung ganoon, babawiin mo nga?" I challenged lowly.
Nanatili ang mariing mga mata niya sa akin. His eyes cast shadows that would also
challenge my glare but his lips gave him away. The sexy slight smirk on it told me
that he's just amused. He finds it funny.
I waited for his answer but nothing came. Just a soft kiss. I watched him slowly
closing his eyes, tormenting himself with a soft brush of his lips on mine.
"I won't take back the ring I gave my girlfriend, Amber," he said and gave me
kisses again.
Para akong natutunaw. Bahagya ko siyang tinulak dahil nasisira na talaga ang
lipstick ko dahil sa ginagawa niya. May party pa kaming dadaluhan!
"Jax, ang lipstick ko..."
Kung hindi pa kumatok si Jacques at nagtanong kung puwede ba siyang pumasok, baka
hindi ko na siya napigilan sa mga ginagawa niya. Mapupungay ang mga mata ni Jaxon
nang harapin ang anak. The smirk on his face was then plastered all along until
we're in the venue.
"They are not in the hotel rooms anymore. Nasa loob na," sabi ko pagkatapos ibaba
ang tawag ni Snow.
Jax was watching me with eyes full of meaning and lips in a soft smile.
"Uh-huh..." sabay taas ng kilay.
Nagtiim-bagang ako dahil alam ko ang lumulukob sa isipan niya at kahit normal kong
salita, ganyan ang tingin niya sa akin. Kumurap-kurap ako at sinubukang ignorahin
ang reaksyon niya sa halos lahat ng gawin ko.
The more grand and elegant the party is, the more simple it looks like. Pagkapasok
ko sa hall at pagkakita ko sa media na nag-aabang sa mga panauhin, agad kong napuna
ang magara at mamahaling dekorasyon sa bukana pa lang. The media stormed us but it
was as if the security knew what will happen. Hindi na kami napagtanungan pa dahil
mabilis umaksyon ang mga guard at matagumpay kaming nakapasok sa loob ng hindi
nahaharap ang kahit sino man.
Sa mahabang lamesa namin kasama ko si Snow, Sibal, si Archer, Kael, at iilan pang
mga pinsan ni Jaxon kasama ang mga anak nila. I saw the heads turning our way.
Kahit sa mga matatanda at iilang kilalang pamilya. But mostly everyone in our table
stood up to welcome us... and especially Jacques.
"Hi!" salubong ni Zariyah Riego sabay kuha sa sariling anak. I saw her excitement
at Jacques and then she glanced at me to smile. "What's your name?"
"My name is Jacques."
Jaxon then squatted in front of Jacques. My son looked so overwhelmed at everyone
who's watching him. Ares Riego, went to the crowd and joined. Naroon na rin si Tito
Achilles. All of them are wearing formal suits and gowns. All of their eyes were on
my son with wonder and amazement.
"Jacques, this is my family. Your family," si Jaxon.
Lumapit ako at tiningnang mabuti ang mga mata ng anak ko. He looked so shock when
he turned to his father. Jaxon smiled and started the introductions to everyone in
front of my son. Napangiti rin ako nang nakita ang ekspresyon ng anak. Laglag ang
panga sabay tango sa bawat pagpapakilala ni Jaxon sa mga pinsan at mga asawa ng mga
ito. Hindi lang iyan, the children shocked him and made him smile, as well.
The young Vesarius Riego VII had a long hair, gaya ni Jacques noon. The eyes of my
son remained on the younger child as he smiled widely. And then he looked at me
with awe.
"M-Mama, this baby looks just like me when my hair was still long!" excited na
sinabi ng anak ko.
Natawa ako pero may naantig ako ng konti sa nakitang kasiyahan ng anak. Tumayo si
Jax sa gilid ko at mabilis na inangkin ng kamay niya ang aking baywang. I couldn't
turn to him because the questions of the women were now coming.
"Ilang taon na siya, Amber?" Zari asked.
"Six years old."
"Mas matanda siya kay Archer! He's the eldest of the Riegos, then!" si Soleil na
agad na binalingan ang anak ko.
"Milo! Look!" Eury called an older boy.
Bumaling si Eury sa akin nang naipakilala na ni Vincent iyong Milo sa anak ko. Eury
smiled at me.
"Anak ni Andres at Cassandra Hidalgo, iyong kapatid ni Vince, si Michaelangelo."
"Oh!" Mabilis akong tumango at tiningnan ang pamilyang iyon.
Andres waved at me from behind their crowd. I smiled at him, older now but he
looked happier with his wife hugging his chest.
Some of our family friends went to us, too. Ni hindi na makasingit ang mga Lopez
kaya sa amin na lang nakihalo. I was stormed with questions about Jacques, my life
in the US, my Mom, Nikolai.
Jaxon needed to leave me because Jacques is now bombarded with his friends and
family. Nagtawanan pa ang lahat nang ipakilala ang babae sa mga Riego, Radleigh and
Zariyah's daughter... and their son. I also heard how Snow is pregnant. Nagulat ako
at hindi na natanggal ang ngiti ko para sa pinsan.
Andra Mercadejas went to me. Ipinakilala ang iilan pang kaibigan na may dala na
ring mga anak. I hugged some familiar people and greeted the new friends I earned.
Medyo natigil lang kami nang narinig namin ang tawanan sa banda ng anak ko. Tumawa
si Snow nang nakita kung anong meron.
Thraia Mercadejas squatted with her still infant baby daughter in front of Jacques.
Sibal teased Jacques about the baby girl kaya natawa ang lahat.
"Ali, hindi naman daw kailangan talagang pitong taon ang agwat." Zamiel Mercadejas
teased his cousin and everyone laughed
Nagulat ako sa bilang ng mga taga Costa Leona na naimbita. The old rich families
were there. Even Andres' family who I know as once one of the richest who fled out
of the province were there.
It was a long thirty minutes full of stories and greeting when slowly, we settled
down. Lalo pa nang narinig na ang pagdating ni Lolo.
Hinanap na rin namin ang aming upuan. Mas lalong nagsiupuan ang mga tao nang nakita
ang paparating na matatandang Mercadejas. And of course, I stood up when I saw
Senyora Domitilla Mercadejas. Tumikhim si Snow at ganoon din ang ginawa sabay dala
kay Archer at Jacques. Iilan ang lumapit sa gitna para sa pagdating ng matanda.
The old woman in her all white hair, usual stern expression, wrinkled face, and
strong deep eyes made everyone silent. She did not even need to turn her head to
see everyone who came for her. Tass noo niya lang na tiningnan sa mata kaming mga
lumapit at isa-isang nagmano sa kanya.
Nga lang, nagtagal sa akin ang mga mata nito.
"Where's Maria Emilia?" she asked me and smiled at Jacques.
"Parating pa lang po," si Snow.
Senyora Domitilla Mercadejas nodded and turned to more people who paid her respect.
Bumalik ako sa kinauupuan. The meeting of the old woman of the Mercadejas family
with my grandpa was quite a scene. No one dared to document it with their phones.
No one dared to say anything. Lahat ay tumingin lang, pare parehong hindi na
isinatinig ang mga naiisip.
And then came my Mom behind my Lolo. Beso ang iginawad ni Mommy kay Senyora
Domitilla. Both of them were elegant and stoic at the same time. Eventually,
Senyora Domitilla smiled but Mommy couldn't... Mommy didn't. Nagpatuloy lang sa pag
giya kay Lolo sa tamang upuan. Kalaunan, nagsimula na rin ang lahat.
It was a night of reunion, catching up, meeting new people, and family. Alam kong
hindi ako masyadong sang-ayon sa mga engrandeng party pero ngayon ko lang
naappreciate ang lahat ng effort at gastos na inilalaan para rito. I now understand
why it is important to celebrate things like these. It is a way to reconnect with
the people you thought were lost and people who thought who lost you. It is a way
to recall the past, the mistakes, and the happy memories.
It is all worth it.
After the short programme about my Grandpa, kumain na kami. Nagulat na lang ako
nang tinanong ako ni Snow bigla.
"Kailan?" she asked and then glanced at my hand.
Napatingin ako roon at nakita ang singsing ko. I was about to deny it when she
smirked.
"Pearl din ang engagement ring ko. He dived through the depths of water just to get
the most beautiful, I'm sure," sabay tawa.
Nagulat ako at natawa na rin. Hindi ako makapagsalita. Jax was all silent while
attending to his son when Jacques couldn't help it.
"Who did, Tita? Dived what?"
Tumawa lalo si Snow. "Your father, Jacques, dived the ocean to search for your
Mama's pearl engagement ring."
Tumingin si Jacques sa kamay ko. Pumikit ako ng mariin sa narinig galing kay Snow.
Jacques then looked at his Papa with eyes full of adoration and respect.
"You did, Papa? You know how to dive in the ocean?"
And of course Jax nodded to answer his son's questions.
"And you gave Mama an engagement ring?"
Nag-angat ng tingin si Jaxon sa akin. Sinapo ko ang noo ko kaya lang imbes na
maghintay ng sagot ang anak ko, tumawa na siya at bumaling kay Snow. Snow laughed
too and smiled excitedly at my son.

[ 39 Kabanata37 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 37
Job
Sa lamesa ng mga nakakatanda na bisita, nararamdaman ko ang tensyon. I can see my
Mom with her usual stoic game face on. Naiisip kong siguro nga kailangan niyang
ipakita na ganoon. Malapit lang kasi si Tito Achilles sa kanya.
Napabaling ako nang narinig ang pagpapakilala ni Jacques sa iilang lumapit muli.
Behind my chair is Jacques. Garrison is beside him smiling proudly as Jacques
greeted the man in front. Jaxon was beside a familiar man. Tumango ito sa akin at
ngumiti. Nilingon din ako ni Garri at tinapik ako sa balikat.
Tumayo ako. Ganoon din si Garri at nginitian ako.
"Hindi ka sumabay kina Tito Mon at Tita Athena?" I asked.
He smirked and shook his head, iminuwestra ang malayong lamesa kung nasaan sila ng
kasama niya. I lifted my brows at my cousin and smirked at him as well. Kung hindi
lang naagaw muli ng anak ko ang aking atensyon, aasarin ko na sana siya.
"Nice to meet you, Tito Eissen and Lolo P-Perseus!" si Jacques sabay ngiti sa
dalawang lalaki sa harap.
May isang babae pa sa likod na nakitingin din kay Jacques pero nanatili ang tingin
ko sa lalaking kasing tangkad ni Jax, si Eissen. I heard that name somehow. Model?
Showbiz? I'm not sure.
"Amber, my cousin, si Eissen. And this is Tito Perseus."
Eissen smirked at me. Saan ko ba ito nakita? Parang may naaalala akong nakita ko
siya sa isang madilim na lugar. Imbes na magtagal ang tingin ko sa lalaki,
napabaling ako sa tumayo nang nakatatanda at pormal na naglahad ng kamay.
Now this gruffy old man is also familiar. Parang may kamukha siya lalo na sa
malalalim at may kakaibang kulay na mga mata. His narrow nose looked like Jaxon's
only that it looked like it had been broken some time. Makapal din ang stubble nito
kaya hindi ko lalo maisip kung sino nga ang kamukha. Is he a Riego? How is he
related to Jaxon?
"Amber po," sabi ko sabay tanggap ng kamay niya.
"You know what, Lolo? I also have a twin but he or she is in heaven now," kuwento
ni Jacques.
"That's alright, young man. Your twin is now guarding you and your family so he or
she is never really lost," his deep voice was also very familiar. Parang... kay
Tito Achilles?
Now that I think about it, he looks like Tito Achilles. Just the dirtier version!
Nagpatuloy pa ako sa naiisip kaso napabaling ulit ako sa iba nang nakitang may isa
na namang batang lumapit kasama ang asawa ni Zamiel Mercadejas.
She laughed at her son's aggressiveness to drag Jacques away from that crowd,
wanting to play. He also dragged Eury's son who is also sporting a long but
straight hair in a ponytail.
"Pasensya na. He's really very aggressive and energetic," ani Astherielle
Mercadejas.
I smiled because when Jacques was younger, he was also unstoppable. "You'll miss it
once he turns older."
"I know. Ang hirap lang nila pigilan lalo na kapag nagsasama na sila ng anak ni Ali
at Kajik," aniya at tiningnan sa malayo si Jacques na kasama na ang nabanggit na
puro lalaking mga Mercadejas.
Then I smirked and looked at her big pregnant stomach.
"Girl?"
She smiled lazily. "Still a boy."
Tumango ako, medyo hindi ma imagine na may dalawang malilikot na lalaki sa isang
bahay. Though, what more kung tatlo o apat o lima?
It was a long, long night of catching up and socializing. Gustuhin ko mang magtagal
gaya nina Snow, I know I have a big event tomorrow. Hindi man iyon umaga gaganapin,
I still have to prepare for it in the morning to achieve a good show tomorrow
night.
Nagdesisyon na rin kaming umuwi ni Jaxon nang tumungtong ng 10:30pm. Jacques is
showing signs of sleepiness. Ganoon din ang ibang mga bata dahil siguro sa pagod ng
pagtatakbo at laro sa mga pinsan.
We went home tired. Jacques didn't even have much strength to change after his
night bath. Si Jaxon pa ang nagbihis sa kanya. I watched him languidly dressing up
my son as I got out of the bathroom. Naupo ako sa kama habang sinusuklay ang buhok.
Kaninang gising pa si Jacques, hiningi niyang sa kuwarto niya na matulog. Pero
naiintindihan ko naman bakit pinagsasamantalahan ni Jax na rito patulugin ang anak
lalo na ngayong pagod ito. Ilang taon siyang nawalay rito. He will take all the
chance to take care of Jacques.
"Sinabi ko na kay Snow ang tungkol bukas," sabi ko.
He nodded as his eyes remained fixed on the child.
"Puwede ka namang doon na lang din sa kanila. Ang sabi niya kasi, magdidinner sila
at isasama nila si Jacques at Tito Achilles. Malapit lang sa venue ang restaurant.
Kahit ako na lang ang uuwi pagkatapos."
Umiling siya. "Pupunta ako."
"Baka kasi matagalan ako. The show will end early but I will be on the backstage
for a few shoots. Jacques might be too tired and also, he's not allowed there."
Hindi na kumibo si Jaxon. I don't know what he's planning but I don't think he will
give up watching me on that show.
Ngumuso ako at unti-unti nang tumigil sa pagsusuklay, pagkatapos ay humiga na. Sa
pagod, mabilis din akong nakaidlip. The last fleeting memory before going to deep
sleep is a tender kiss on my forehead. I'm just not sure if it's a dream.
Kinaumagahan, maaga kaming lahat na nagising. After my morning routine of just tea,
I head off to the gym for an intensive work out. Paano ba naman kasi, it's like a
lingerie fashion show. Kahit na itim na bra at panty ang susuotin ko at may see
through long black night gown, I still need to have that amazing shape.
Pumasok ang mag-ama sa gym. Jacques was now playing ball on the gym's ring. Nilaro
na rin ni Jaxon pero habang nagpa-plank ako rito sa yoga mat, nakikita ko siyang
pasulyap-sulyap na naman sa akin. I did a side plank and this time, he was
shamelessly watching me until he couldn't take it. Lumapit na siya sa akin.
Nilagay ang siko sa isang equipment at ang kabilang kamay nakapamaywang, nagtaas
siya ng kilay habang tinatanaw ako.
"You didn't eat breakfast," he said.
"I don't eat before a show. Lalo na pag lingerie."
"Lingerie?" he shifted his weight, he looked bothered now.
Umayos ako at sa kabila naman nag side plank ngayon. Tinatanaw ko pa rin siya.
"I do lingerie shows back in the US."
He nodded once. "Pero etong ngayon, lingerie rin?"
Huminga ako ng malalim bago tumango.
"It's not healthy to not eat before a busy day," sabi niya, medyo nilihis sa
bumagabag na sagot ko kanina.
"I just consider it fasting. Hindi naman araw-araw 'tsaka nasanay na ako na ganoon
talaga kaya minsan, 'di na ako dinadalaw ng gutom kapag may show."
"What kind of lingerie are you going to wear? Like your CK suits o gaya ba 'yong
shoot mo sa Carribean."
Natigil ako sa tanong niya at napaupo ng mabuti. Nagtaas ako ng kilay, kinuha ang
tuwalya at pinunasan ang pawis sa dibdib. I saw his eyes drift on that part as he
licked his lips. Oo nga pala, may naipasa akong portfolio sa kanya. Pero sandali
nga, kasali ba ang resort shoot ko sa portfolio na inayos ko para sa Uni?
"Nakita mo 'yong Carribean shoots ko?"
"Nakita ko lang noon," sabay iwas ng tingin.
I remember me wearing different kinds of very little and daring swimwears. May isa
pa ngang hubad ako at mga dahon lang ang takip, kung hindi man alon. I purposely
tanned myself for that shoot and I was praised by many after that. In fact, isa
iyon sa dahilan kung bakit ako natawagan ng isang malaking lingerie line.
Tinanggihan ko lang dahil ang casting ay sa panahong uuwi kami ng Pilipinas.
"Noon?" natawa ako ng bahagya.
Noon? Noong hindi pa kami nagkikita ulit? Nakikibalita pa rin kaya ito noon? I
wonder.
Medyo aging uneasy siya roon. Watching me intensely, he stood up. Malagkit ang
tingin niya sa akin bago bumaling sa anak. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin kahit pa
noong nakatalikod siya. Then I saw him glance at me for a while, with meaning in
his eyes. Ngumuso ako at nagpatuloy na lang sa ginagawa kahit medyo lumalim ang
inisip dahil sa reaksyon niya.
My call time is three in the afternoon. Kahit pa 6PM sharp ang mismong simula ng
fashion show. It was two in the afternoon when we arrived on Snow's unit. Nagpaalam
na ako kay Jacques. Bukod sa sanay na ang anak sa shows ko, excited din siyang
makahalubilo si Archer kaya parang wala lang sa kanya iyon.
Iniwan din namin si Ate Nelia.
"Didinner kami mamaya sa restaurant sobrang lapit doon," si Snow.
Tumango si Jaxon. "Doon ko na lang kukunin si Jacques."
"Sure? You know I think he'll be glad to have a sleep over here."
Nagulat ako roon. Hindi ko naisip iyon, ah? Although, I still need to think about
that. It's a big leap for me.
"Maybe next time, Snow. Lalo na ngayon, medyo hindi kami handa. Wala siyang extra
clothes."
Snow smiled. "Alright, then..."
Pagkatapos ng pagpapaalam namin kay Snow, tumulak na kami ni Jaxon sa venue. It was
so near. Just two blocks away from their tower that we arrived at around 2:30pm.
Busy ang lobby. Media's are everywhere but my agent told me to park in the basement
and use the backdoor when I arrive. Ginawa ko nga iyon. Nga lang, alam kong
pagdating ko sa lobby, hindi na maiiwasan ang media.
"Dito ka muna?" tanong ko kay Jax nang nakita ang restaurant.
The doors for the audience will open at four thirty. He will be a guest and on the
VVIP kaya baka makapasok na siya ng mas maaga. Nga lang, sobrang aga namin na kahit
ang VVIP, hindi pa puwede.
"I'll wait here until the doors open," aniya.
I swallowed and watched his serious expression as he eyed the restaurant and then
me. Jaxon is wearing a full formal attire that would shame the models I've worked
with. I never find him handsome when I was young because I liked vain and fair
boys. Now that I am twenty-five years old, all I think about is his sexiness as a
tall and dark man. There was no boyish feel in him. Just all brute and brusque.
And should I add... only for me. Boyfriend ko, 'di ba? I smirked inwardly. The urn
is bleeding with darkness more than willing to overflow. Kung hindi lang sana ilang
taon kong pinaghirapang itago iyon. I don't want to waste the effort and time I
gave for this to work for me.
"Alright. Papasok na ako."
"Text or call me when you need anything," bilin niya.
Sinulyapan ko ang cellphone niya na cellphone ko pa rin noon. I discovered the many
texts from, probably women, unknown numbers. Wala namang reply galing sa kanya.
Minsan meron, kapag lang may pinag-uusapang tungkol sa negosyo. And these women
usually use business as an excuse before finally heading towards coffee or brunch.
Galing dumiskarte!
I went to the lobby and was immediately mobbed by the media.
"Miss Amber, matagal na po bang alam ni Engineer Riego iyong tungkol sa anak n'yo?"
"Totoo po bang itinago ninyo?"
"Ilang taon na po ang-"
Gosh, these people. Sometimes, I don't need to answer their questions. Alam kong
alam na nila ang sagot. Little research and questions from prominent people, they
will have their answers. Mabuti na lang at mahigpit naman ang seguridad ng show
kaya nakapasok ako nang walang gasgas at wala ring sinagot.
On the backstage, it's already busy. The big names in the showbiz industry has
their own room. Nakikita ko ang mga label sa pintuan at medyo nagugulantang ako sa
nakikitang mga pangalan. I don't watch T.V., but I know some popular showbiz
people.
"Dito ka, Amber," sabi ni Miss Tamara nang iginiya na ako roon.
"Thank you, po," sabi ko at sinulyapan ang label ng pintuan.
Amber Sevilla, Harry Legaspi.
Oopps. We're on the same backstage. I understand. Puwedeng magpractice?
Nasa loob na si Harry. We did the usual civilities. He was friendly with me and his
entourage were also nice. Nahihiya nga ako kasi medyo late pa ako kahit na maaga
naman.
"Ayos lang. I'm really an early person," he said.
Naupo na ako sa harap ng malaking salamin at sinimulan na ng Glam team ang pag-
aayos sa akin. Harry is wearing his boxers and is working out to achieve a ripped
body. Nakikita ko ang ginagawa niya sa salamin ko.
"Ayos!" puri ng iilang kasama niya roon.
"Grabeng work out ba ginawa mo para rito, Harry?"
"A bit, yeah. The gym and all," si Harry sabay sulyap sa salamin ko kaya
nagkatinginan kami.
"You're so ripped. Grabe. Halos 'di na kailangan ng body oil."
Naisip ko tuloy si Jaxon. How is he so mascular way back when I was eighteen.
Walang gym sa lugar na iyon. Sa bagay, mangingisda siya. And his hardwork and labor
is enough for him to look like that. Ngumuso ako, medyo naisip siya bigla na
nagkakape sa restaurant, mag-isa. May lumapit kayang babaeng kilala doon?
Ako:
Nasa backstage na ako. Inaayusan na.
I deleted the supposed third sentence. Kahit pa kuryoso talaga ako sa ginagawa niya
ngayon.
Hindi ko tuloy namalayan na lumapit na sa banda ko si Harry. Nasa likod na siya ng
upuan ko ngayon. He even bent to see me more. Itinuko niya ang mga siko sa likod ng
upuan ko ngumiti.
"Wow! Hindi ka pa nakamake up kanina nang pumasok? You already look stunning
without make up. Is this the strength of a supermodel?"
Tumawa ako. "Hindi naman. There are also people in the industry who are already
blessed with nice skin. You sound so shocked for a veteran."
"Veteran. I'm still twenty seven," he chuckled.
Jaxon (pero Amber talaga ang nasa phonebook):
Drinking coffee now. I think the VVIP is open. I'll just finish this.
Tumango ako. Alam ko namang medyo bata pa siya pero ang ibig kong sabihin, matagal
tagal na rin siya sa industriya at malaki ang pangalan niya agad dahil sa lalaki ng
projects na meron siya. Aside from that, he's not with a love team so that means
something!
"You know what? You have a potential with showbiz. Bukod sa showbiz din ang Mama mo
noon, though I heard she's very choosy with roles and titles and is more inclined
with modeling, tingin ko kaya mong higitan siya."
"Not into it much. I like the private life."
"Modeling is not very private," sabi niya.
"But it's better than being fully in showbiz."
"Sa bagay. Pero sayang. You have a potential. If one day, interesado ka, I'd
recommend you immediately for a movie with me or a primetime show with me."
Ngumisi lamang ako sa offer niya. Natigil lang ang usapin nang dumating muli si
Tamara Lopez para sabihan kami sa mga dapat gawin.
Mabilis ang oras. It was four thirty when I was done with my make up and half way
na rin sa body oil. Tapos na si Harry at nagbibihis na ngayon, from boxers to a
very daring briefs.
Muntikan na akong nabuwal sa sigaw ng mga kasama ni Harry pagkalabas niya sa
fitting room. He's now only wearing a black brief with a red band. He'll wear a
black shoes with that. Tumango na lang ako dahil maging ang glam team ko natigilan,
nakiusyoso at naki picture rito.
I got used to it. Sa ibang bansa, minsan iisang room lang kami sa mga kasama kong
modelo, mapa lalaki man o babae. Lalo na noong nagsisimula pa lang ako. To see a
body like his isn't a shock to me.
"Ang hot mo, Harry!" puri ng mga nandoon.
He was watching me, waiting for my reaction. I gave him an approve sign bago siya
umikot at nagpasikat sa mga nakatingin. Nagpatuloy rin kalaunan ang glam team. I
heard them documenting something but Harry said he can't document the outfit dahil
surpresa iyon. Sang ayon ako roon. Ganoon naman talaga lagi.
So Instead of taking avideo of him as a whole, sa mukha niya lang tinapat ang
camera. Lumapit siya sa akin at kumuha ng picture habang inaayusan pa ako. I smiled
at the camera since I can't move to look or do anything. He did it many times until
Tamara went to us again for another review of peptalks.
Pinagbihis na rin ako ni Miss Tamara. I went alone inside the fitting room when the
phone beeped for a text.
Jaxon:
Sinong kasama mo sa backstage room mo?
Kumunot ang noo ko at nag-isip. Ba't ito nagtatanong ng ganito? Baka naaupload na
ang picture?
Ako:
Harry Legaspi. Partner ko siya paglabas mamaya.
Hindi tuloy maalis sa isipan ko ang naiisip niya. Normal lang lahat ito sa akin
pero alam kong sa kanya, hindi. Bago siya sa buhay kong ito at puwedeng 'di niya
maiintindihan iyon. He didn't reply anymore. Nagtagal tuloy ako sa fitting room at
nagawa pang mag dial ng numero.
His greeting was a sigh. Napagaya tuloy ako.
"N-Nasa restaurant ka pa rin ba?"
"Nasa loob na. I'm just waiting for it to start. Ikaw? Asan ka?" he asked.
"Nasa fitting room. Nagsusuot na."
"Sinong kasama mo?" agap niya.
"Dito sa backstage?"
"Hindi! Diyan sa fitting room?"
Napasinghap ako nang naisip ang mismong iniisip at pangamba niya. Only a jealous
person will understand another jealous person.
"Bakit ako magsasama ng ibang tao? Nagbibihis nga ako, 'di ba? Ako lang, Jax."
Hindi siya nagsalita. Parang kinukurot ang puso ko.
"You sure you want to watch?"
"Why won't I watch my girlfriend do her passion?" he said huskily.
Ngayon, parang pinipiga na ang puso ko sa tanong niya. Naisip ko noon hindi ko siya
kayang pakawalan sa simpleng paghahanap buhay. Ngayon, kahit na nararamdaman ko ang
saloobin niya, pinapakawalan niya ako dahil alam niyang ito ang gusto kong gawin.
"Uh... sabay kaming lalabas mamaya-"
"Amber?" si Harry sa labas ng fitting room.
Napatili ako saglit sa gulat at hinawakan ang kurtina para mapigilan kung sakaling
sisilip siya.
"Y-Yes?"
"What's wrong?" Jaxon's baritone made me shudder.
"Nothing. Nagulat lang ako," sagot ko kay Jax.
"Akala ko ano nang ginagawa mo riyan. Ang tagal mong lumabas, e. Tapos ka na ba?
Come on, don't tell me nahihiya kang lumabas diyan, e, ang ganda ng katawan mo.
Don't be shy. I won't judge."
"Uh, wait lang, Harry. May kausap ako sa phone. Sorry. Lalabas din ako."
"Oh! Sorry! Sige, sige. Bilisan mo, ah. Practice pa tayo. I want to perfect the
move."
"Alright. Wait lang," sabi ko bago nilagay muli sa tainga ang phone.
Jaxon didn't say anything but I know he's still on the line. Nang narinig kong
lumayo na sa fitting room si Harry, nagsalita na ako.
"Sorry about that."
"Sinilip ka?" medyo kontrolado naman ang boses niya pero may iba akong naramdaman.
"Hindi. Nasa labas lang siya."
Hindi ulit nagsalita si Jax. Kinagat ko ang labi ko, pinikit ang mga mata, bago
nagdesisyon na sabihin ang bumabagabag sa akin.
"We have a move in front. Si Michael ang may gusto. So... uh... Harry might b-be
touchy of me."
Hindi ako kailanman nagkaroon ng problema sa ganito. Siyempre, hindi rin naman kasi
ako kailanman nagkaboyfriend habang modelo sa ibang bansa. Although,
nakakapanibago, hindi naman ako nahihirapang magdesisyon na umamin ng ganito sa
kanya.
"Uh-hmm," diretso niyang nasabi.
Don't be jealous, Jax. Though... the thought of him angry, possessive, and
protective of me made my heart race and my lips stretch into a sexy curve. Hindi ko
alam kung bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko. Hindi kaya magandang magselos. Pangit
kaya sa pakiramdam iyon. If Jax is indeed jealous, he'd feel crap and angry. But
when I think about him jealous of another man and is possessive of me, parang...
bakit nagsasaya ako?
"O-Okay lang?"
Damn! Why do I need his permission, anyway? It was a spur of the moment question.
"Are you comfortable with it?" may diin pa rin ang boses niya.
"Uh, yeah."
"Okay, then..." he said a bit coldly.
Kinagat ko ulit ang labi ko. Nakaupo ako rito, nakatanaw sa sarili. Kahit tapos na
ang bagbibihis, hindi pa rin makaalis dahil sa tawag sa kanya. Then I heard the
people outside greet Michael! Andyan siya! Bumisita rito! Kung hindi pa dahil doon,
hindi pa ako magpapaalam kay Jaxon!
"Nandyan si Michael sa labas to check on us. We have to end the call. Sorry."
"Alright."
"Nasaan na ba si Amber? Where is my powerhouse supermodel?" anunsyo ni Michael.
Pinatay ko na ang tawag dahil umingay pa lalo at nagbabanta nang lumapit si Michael
sa fitting room. Lumabas ako at umayos na. Nagbeso ako at binati na siya for a
successful event. He then started giggling and praising me for my look, for
everything.
"Patingin nga ng gagawin ninyo mamaya? I'm excited! I mean, inaabangan kasi talaga
itong si Harry, Amber. Then you will be introduced as a supermodel! Oh my! I can
see it trending on all social media sites right now!"
"Don't expect too much from me. Hindi ako kasing sikat nitong si Harry-"
"Hindi pa! Siyempre, kadarating mo lang dito, 'no! But if you'll be exposed
tonight, surely, you will also be a household name!"
"Sinasabi ko nga sa kanya na puwede sana siyang makatrabaho ko. Leading lady, kung
papayag siya."
Michael gave me a meaningful wink and encouragement. Ngumiti na lang ako at
umiling. Inaya ko na lang si Harry na magrehearse lalo na't nandito si Michael at
mapapanood kami.
We rehearsed for about half an hour. Kahit pa noong umalis si Michael. Harry's
hands remained on my waist as I let go of him for the last attempt of a practice.
"Ayos na siguro iyon," I concluded.
"Yeah. You're so good at this. You'd fool the audience. They'll all think you're
into me. The chemistry is just so amazing."
"I hope so..." sabi ko at bahagyang lumayo.
His hand remained. Nang nakalayo na talaga ako, 'tsaka pa lang niya tinanggal pero
sumunod naman sa akin.
"Iba talaga pag supermodel..." he teased.
Tumawa lang ako. Dumami na rin ang mga tao sa backstage namin for some final
touches. After that, we were then called to the main backstage together with the
other models and artists.
Merong nakakakilala sa akin. May iilan din naman akong kilala pero kaonti lang iyon
kumpara sa nakikita kong nakakasalamuha ni Harry. He did not leave my side, though.
Reason why some of the models watched our every move.
Kabado ako bigla. This is a formal event and the audience won't cheer them much
because they are also big fishes in the industry. Kaonti o halos walang pinapasok
na fan o ordinaryong manonood. Bukod pa roon, Jaxon is on the VVIP. On the very
front, that thought only made my heart pound more.
Matagal ang bawat rampa lalo na dahil malaking malaki ang stage. Kaya naman nang
kami na ni Harry, my game mood was all out. Natanaw ko agad si Jaxon sa harap. He's
watching me, and only me, darkly on his seat, eyebrows furrowed, lips on a grim
line, and eyes hawklike.
Kaya lang sa huling ikot ko, winala ko muna siya sa isipan ko dahil sa kailangan
naming gawin ni Harry. I would only hold back if I think about Jaxon. Or maybe,
it'd help if I imagine him on Harry's face?
Ginawa ko nga iyon. Both confident and dangerously excited to do the move while
imagining Jax made me do it properly. I let Harry hold my thigh as he scooped me a
bit. Inilapit niya rin ang mukha niya sa akin. He tilted his head to make it seem
like we were kissing. Namilog ang mga mata ko nang muntikan nang magtama ang labi
namin. Buti na lang hindi!
The loud music boomed so I don't really know how it affected the audience, as
usual. Pabalik nang natanto kong hindi kailanman papayag si Jaxon na maging modelo.
I feel like this job is just too vain for him. My manly Jaxon Riego would rather
work labor than do this. I smirked inwardly as I move towards the line with other
models. And after a few lights and show off, sa backstage.
"Galing mo," bulong ni Harry sa akin nang nandoon na kami.
Hindi ko na siya pinansin dahil iilang papuri na rin ang natanggap ko sa ibang
modelo. Some candid pictures, eye to eye contact with Kiara, and praises from
Michael... ang bilis ng lahat kahit na nagtagal naman kami.
At kahit pa naririnig ko na ang pamamaalam ng Master of Ceremonies, kasisimula lang
dito sa backstage ang iilan at mumunting mga photoshoot sa bawat modelo o artista.
Akala ko puwede na akong maghintay doon para susunod na kasi inutos ni Miss Tamara
na ayusan muna ako dahil isa ako sa importanteng modelo roon.
Another hour of waiting, retouch, and socializing with other people, tapos na ang
programme sa labas. I saw Jaxon's texts kaso hindi pa ako nakakapagshoot.
"Ikaw ha! Just a simple party on this venue's bar behind. Huwag ka munang aalis!"
si Michael, binabantaan ako. "Binigo mo ako noong nakaraan!"
"Hindi rin naman ako magtatagal, Michael," paliwanag ko.
"Basta! I'm expecting you to be there!" he said and then went to another model.
Pasulyap-sulyap si Kiara sa akin. Tahimik ngayon pero alam kong malayo lang ako sa
pandinig niya. She looked like she would say something harsh if I was near her.
Jaxon:
Nasa restaurant kami ni Jacques. We'll wait here.
It's already ten and I'm still here! Hindi pa ako nakakapagshoot! Tapos kailangan
ko pang pumunta saglit sa bar na sinasabi ni Michael!
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Sa huli, nagdesisyon habang kinukuha ang sedang long night
gown to cover myself and go outside to see my son and Jax. Nahirapan pa ako palabas
kasi sobrang daming humarang para makipag-usap at mamuri.
When I was outside, I immediately saw them. Ang mag-ama ko, nasa restaurant,
naghihintay. Si Jacques na panay ang hikab habang kinakandong ng ama. Si Jaxon na
kinakausap at binubulungan ang antok na anak.
Pumungay ang mga mata ko. Guilt spilled within me. This is my job, though. I can't
just leave here. I am a professional model and I know what my job entails. Hindi
rin naman palagi. Nakakatuwa lang na nakakaawang tingnan ang mag-ama ko roon.
May nakikitang kakilala si Jaxon pero binabati lang at hindi na pinapatagal ang
usapan dahil abala sa anak. A group of girls even greeted Jax but he only nodded
and smiled at them then gave back his attention to our son. Huminga ako ng malalim
at nagpatuloy na sa paglalakad patungo roon.
"Mama!" si Jacques nang nakita akong papasok.
I smiled and went to him. Tumayo si Jaxon at medyo nabuhayan nang nakita ako.
Lumapit na rin siya.
"Tapos ka na?" Jax asked.
I squatted on Jacques' front. I kissed my son and let a bit of my lipstick transfer
on his cheek. I smiled as I watched my adorable young man with a kissmark from me.
"Hindi pa."
"Hindi pa?" Jacques said miserably.
"Got too tired, huh?"
Tumango siya. "We played too much. I played football with Tito Sibal and Archer on
a real field near their condo. I'm so tired. Papa changed my clothes since I was
covered with sweat. Ate Nelia went home first the transfer of my clothes on my
closet."
Ngumiwi ako at lalo pang naawa sa anak.
"I'm sorry. I'm not yet done. It's a long day. I still have to do a shoot and then
after, I have to go with Tito Michael, the owner of the fashionshow."
Binagsak ni Jacques ang kanyang ulo. I chuckled and lifted his chin.
"Sorry, Jacques. You can go home with Papa. Promise, I'll come home immediately."
"I really wanna wait for you," si Jacques.
Umupo si Jaxon sa upuan sa likod ng anak at hinawakan siya sa braso.
"Iuuwi na kita. Pagod ka na," anito kay Jacques.
"Your Papa is right," I seconded.
Nagkatinginan kami ni Jaxon. He watched me intensely before he looked at Jacques
again.
"Iuuwi lang kita. Babalikan ko ang Mama mo rito."
"Jax, okay lang. Kahit driver na lang, kung gusto mo. Baka kasi matagalan pa ako,"
pagod kong sinabi.
He looked at me with darker eyes etched with an emotion I couldn't name. I bit my
lower lip.
"Babalikan kita rito. Iuuwi ko lang ang anak natin," ulit niya.
Bago pa ako makaapila, napatayo na ako nang nakita kung sino ang sumundo sa akin.
Miss Tamara Lopez went out and went to me on that restaurant. Bukod sa kanya, may
staff din sa likod. Bukod pa sa staff, nakita ko sa pintuan ng venue si Harry at
ang iilan nitong entourage na nasisiguro kong naghahanap na sa akin.
"Uh, sorry, Amber, uh, Engineer." Sumulyap si Miss Tamara kay Jacques. "Baby. I
need your Mama inside for the shoot now. Sorry talaga. I also want to wrap this up
so we have to make it fast."
"I understand," si Jaxon.
Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. Hinawakan niya si Jacques at isang abot pa nito sa
akin ng halik, isang hikab, at pinakawalan ko na sila. Jaxon's eyes remained on me,
though as they walked out of the restaurant.
"Bye-bye, Mama. Take care, please."
Hinintay kong makaalis ang mag-ama ko. It was an image of a normal father and son,
who waited for the mother to finish working. In the end, they had to go home and
leave because the mother never finished. It was an image of a very typical and
conventional family. Pinanood ko lamang iyon ng tahimik. Kahit pa marami ring staff
ang naghihintay sa akin. Then Jaxon glanced my way again before he disappeared on
the revolving door.

[ 40 Kabanata38 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 38
In Love
"I know a few friends who are in the same situation as you. Naging maganda naman
ang pagpapalaki ng kanilang mga anak kahit wala sa tabi ang ama. So I can say, wala
iyon sa pagkakaroon ng kumpletong pamilya. What is the use of a complete family if
it's messy, right?" si Harry.
Nasa isang pribadong bar kami sa likod lamang ng backstage noong venue. Mga modelo,
artista, at iilan pang prominenteng tao ang nakakasalamuha ko kani-kanina pa.
Nagmadali kasi akong magbihis. Ni hindi na ako nag-abalang mag-ayos pa, umasa na
lang sa naging make-up sa catwalk. Gusto ko kasing madaliin ang lahat ng ito at
nang makauwi na. Kauupo ko lang rito dahil isang oras yata akong nakihalubilo sa
dami ng bumati at nagpakilala.
"Yeah..." I said nonchalantly because my mind is preoccupied of the image of my
little family, tired in that restaurant.
Hindi na natanggal sa isipan ko ang pagkandong ni Jaxon sa anak namin habang
nakapalupot ang braso niya sa anak na inaantok. His whispers to him, trying to help
him stay awake. Women looked at Jaxon for fleeting moments, desire and wanton
evident in the way they look at him, but eventually turned sour when they saw his
son with him.
Though for sure there are women who won't mind a man with a child. Lalo na sa
kalibre ni Jaxon. But I wonder if half of the women who are attracted of him are
turned off because of that image. He doesn't seem to mind it. In fact, he could've
sent Jacques home and returned alone to wait but he didn't. He likes to show off
his son so much.
"'Tsaka moderno na ngayon. People are very openminded to things like that. Ako nga,
I don't really mind. It doesn't make you less of an attractive woman."
Napatingin ako kay Harry. He looked at me with serious eyes and then he smiled.
Sumang-ayon ako sa sinabi niya. May idudugtong pa yata siya nang biglang lumapit si
Michael sa amin kasama ang iilang kaibigan na mga designer.
"This is Amber! Ito 'yong tinatanong n'yo sa akin kanina na partner ni Harry!"
Michael said.
Tumawa si Harry. "Ayos ba ang ginawa namin? Amber is a very good model."
"Bagay na bagay kayo, Harry!" deklara noong isang matandang babae at naglahad na ng
kamay sa akin.
Michael introduced me to everyone of his entourage. Harry knew them all and spoke
proudly of me. Hindi ko nga lang tuluyang naipasok sa utak ko ang mga pangalan ng
naroon dahil nahagip ng tingin ko si Jaxon sa dagat ng maraming tao sa likod ng mga
kausap.
"She's modeled for so many international high end brands. Catwalk, mostly...
Haute..." marami pa siyang sinabi pero hindi ko na nasundan. Dumikit na ang mga
mata ko sa kay Jax.
Jax saw me. His dark eyes bored into mine and then briefly scanned who I'm with.
Nagtagal sa tabi ko pero bumalik ulit sa akin. Kung hindi lang siya binati ng isang
kakilala, dumiretso na siya rito.
Bukod pa sa isang lalaking bumati sa kanya, sinalihan sila ng isa pang lalaking
artista na may dalang dalawang magagandang modelo. The two men of their crowd were
very fast and busy with their talk and questions. I saw him shake his head and
looked my way. Napatingin ang dalawang kausap, maging ang mga babaeng kasama niya.
Hinanda ko na ang sarili dahil nararamdaman kong tutuloy na siya sa paglapit ngunit
may isang matandang lalaki ang lumapit at nagpakilala. Jax greeted the old man
respectfully at may binulong ito na hindi nakuha ni Jaxon kaya iginiya sa isang
sofa. Jax glanced at me for a short while before proceeding to the couch.
"Right, Amber? Amber?" si Michael na marami nang sinabi pero hindi ko nakuha.
"Ah. Oo. Opo," kumurap-kurap ako at binalik ang tingin sa kanila.
"Naku! Kaya naman sobrang honored ko when she appeared on my go-see. I mean, ang
humble niya! Sa estado niya sa industriya, hindi niya na kailangang mag audition! A
phonecall from her agent and it should already be decided!" deklara ni Michael.
Tumawa ako at itinuon muna ang atensyon sa kanila. "Naku. Even the highest paid
models do go to go-sees, e. Kaya talagang dapat akong pumunta."
"A woman with class and humility. I told you..." Ngiting ngiti si Harry sa akin at
umusod.
His arms rested on the backrest of the couch, just directly behind me. Napabaling
ako roon bahagya and nervously glanced at Jaxon's way. Jax was talking to the old
man, sitting on the edge of the couch with the crowd he's with. He was in the
middle of his talk when he glanced my way and his dark eyes bore coldly on me. Alam
ko na agad na nakikita niya ang nangyayari rito.
"Buti there's no businessman visiting you? Or is it too early for that? Kadarating
mo lang dito galing ibang bansa? Hindi ka pa masyadong nakakahalubilo?" tanong ng
matandang babae.
They knew that the industry is known for that... having businessman in such parties
as these because for some reason models attract them.
"Wala naman, buti na lang!" singit ni Harry.
Natawa ang iba. "Naku! Baka headline kayo niyan sa news, ah!"
"It trended, actually, kanina! Bagay kasi!" si Michael.
"Alam mo ba, speaking of trending. I think it's really awesome that you've kept
this as a tradition for your company. Days ago kasi, I read some article about some
throwback catwalks for this annual show. It trended just because it's coming up!"
Bahagya akong humikab. Uminom ako ng cocktail drink na kanina ko pa tinitikman.
Sumulyap ako kay Jaxon at nakita kong may isang kasing edad ko sigurong modelo ang
ipinapakilala sa kanya noong matanda. The woman had her back on me so I couldn't
imagien her face but her body was model-perfect. The woman held out her hand that
Jaxon shook politely. Nang nagbaba na ng kamay, his darkest eyes bore into me
again.
Nagtiim-bagang ako habang tinitingnan siyang pormal na nakikipag-usap sa babaeng
pinakilala noong matanda. Maybe his daughter or something? Which reminded me of his
experience with Canary. I realized then that Jaxon will be a very good son in law
kaya naman madalas siyang ireto ng mga ama sa kanilang babaeng anak. I bitterly
wondered, for a moment, if Daddy would like him as a son in law, too.
Naisip ko ang paraan kung paano siya kay Mommy. Despite the things Mommy did to him
and his family, despite his improving status, he still treated Mom with utmost
respect. Hindi lang iyon, actually. He would spoil her so bad if I let him.
Muli kong tinanaw si Jax. He was now busy answering some questions of the woman in
front of him. Tumikhim ako at unti-unting tiningnan ang cellphone ko. There were
texts from him telling me that Jacques is now asleep and that he'll come here to
pick me up. And another just a minute ago.
Jaxon:
You're tired. We should go now.
Napatingin ako sa mga taong nag-uusap-usap sa harap ko. I eyed Harry beside me, as
well. Tumagilid ang ulo niya at ngumisi pa lalo sa akin.
"You okay?" he asked.
Ngumiti ako. "Yeah."
I typed a message for Jaxon.
Ako:
Ikaw bahala. Busy ka pa.
Sunod na angat ko ng tingin pagkatapos kong magtipa, tumayo na si Michael sa gulat
ng pagdating ni Jaxon sa grupo namin. Kasesend ko lang nong mensahe ko.
Nagloloading pa lang at nandito na siya agad.
Umiigting ang panga, nagkakasalubong ang makapal na kilay, at madilim ang tingin
niya sa akin. Hindi nakapagsalita si Michael agad pero nang nakabawi, siya na ang
nag explain. Without delay, I carried my bag on my shoulder and stood up.
"T-This is Jaxon Riego nga pala."
"Oh, I know him. How's Achilles, hijo. Nandito ka pala!" sabi nong isang matandang
babae.
"Ayos naman, po," he glanced her way and then back to me. "Sinusundo ko lang ang
fiancee ko."
Nakatayo na ako noon. Magpapaalam na sana ako ngunit ang huling sinabi ni Jaxon ang
nagpatahimik sa aming lahat. He looked at my bag and tried to get it. I couldn't
move kaya hindi niya na rin pinilit. Imbes, hinawakan na lang ako sa siko, kalaunan
sa baywang.
"You done?" he asked softly and eyed Harry beside me.
"O-Oh! Fiancee!"
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Hindi na ako umapila pa.
"Hindi ko alam. Kasi... uh..." medyo nagpanic si Michael sabay tingin kay Harry.
Harry looked shocked. Wala siyang nasabi habang nakatitig sa amin ni Jaxon. Jax
didn't look at him anymore when he guided me out of the couch.
"We just got engaged so I understand," si Jaxon sabay tingin sa akin.
"R-Really! Well, congratulations, Engineer! Amber, Congrats! Hindi nagkuwento!" si
Michael.
Nilagay ko ang takas na buhok sa aking tainga at sinang-ayunan na lang ang sinabi
ni Jaxon. I know that whatever is in between us is still a blur because I haven't
decided yet. Nga lang, ayoko namang pabulaanan iyon ngayon sa harap ng maraming
tao. Bukod pa roon, gusto ko rin na ganoon na lang ang isipin nila as Harry seems
to think that I am up for a relationship. Truth is... even when Jaxon isn't with me
now, I won't be up for it. I am simply not interested
"Pasensya na, Michael. Uh... We have to go. Sorry, we can't stay for too long."
"Sure! Sure! No problem! Thanks, actually, for coming to my after party!" sabay
beso ni Michael.
Natanaw ko si Harry na sumimsim na lang sa kanyang inumin, tumuwid sa pagkakaupo,
medyo umasim ang itsura.
"Alis na kami. Harry, it was nice working with you..." I said softly and I felt
Jaxon's hand on my waist gripped me tighter.
Tumango si Harry, tipid na ngumiti, at hindi na nakapagsalita. Lumapit si Michael
sa akin para mag beso. One of his companion went to Jaxon for a quick chat and some
congratulations for our engagement. Hindi na nagtagal, nagpaalam na ulit kami sa
huling pagkakataon at tahimik nang lumabas kahit pa may iilang kakilalang
nagtangkang makipag-usap.
I watched Jax open the shotgun's door for me. He closed it when I slid inside.
Pinagmasdan ko ang pag-iigting ng kanyang panga nang umikot siya at pumasok sa
driver's seat ng Jaguar. Hindi na ako nagsalita. I slightly sensed his bad mood
while I have nothing but a sour taste for whatever I was thinking when I saw him
introduced to a woman. Iyon lang at tingin ko naman, wala lang iyon.
I suddenly remember the quick phone call we had while I was inside the fitting room
before the show. Everything was going so well and then the mood turned different
after the show. Of course, I didn't inform him beforehand na may eksenang ganoon.
Not that it mattered to me. For me, Harry's moves meant nothing but for sure,
Jaxon's pissed by that. Sa bagay, kung mahawakan nga siya ng ibang babae,
nagpapakawala na ako ng halimaw sa banga, siya pa kaya.
So instead of trying to talk about what he just said in front of people, the
fiancee thingy, I shut up the whole trip. It's about time to be mature and let
small things like that pass.
Really, Amber? Small things like that pass, huh? Small things like him announcing
that we're engaged?! Is that a small thing? That would surely spread!
Pero sige... talagang palalagpasin ko. O baka naman hindi dahil naging mahirap ang
gabi, kundi dahil ginusto mo rin naman iyon?
Tahimik din kaming dumating sa condo. Isang beses lang kaming nag-usap sa loob ng
sasakyan, e.
"You finished up how many shots?" he asked seriously while he's driving.
"Uh, just a cocktail. At... kalahati lang. Hindi ko naubos," sagot ko na hindi na
nasundan pa ng tanong galing sa kanya.
The lights were dimmed and it's now very silent in the unit. For sure, tulog na si
Jacques dahil mag-aalas dose na.
I opened the door to our room and had a shock of my life when I saw how the bed is
empty! Wala si Jacques doon! Natigilan ako, hindi agad nakapasok. Nang naabutan ako
ni Jaxon na ganoon, sinagot niya ang hindi ko masabing tanong.
"He wanted to try to sleep in his room so I let him," paliwanag niya at diretso
nang pumasok, nagtatanggal ng necktie.
"O-Okay..." my throat ran dry. "Uh... Kung ganoon, puwede bang... uh..."
Naghintay siya sa idudugtong ko pero wala na akong masabi.
"W-Wala... Nevermind," I said.
He really looked pissed dahil mabilis ang bawat galaw niya. Walang tingin-tinging
naghubad ng butones sa puting longsleeves at hindi pa ito nakakalas ng husto,
mabilis na dumiretso sa kanyang walk in closet at nagsarado ng pintuan.
I sighed. Kung kanina pinipigilan ko pang dumagdag sa iritasyon niya, ngayon
napigtas ang pasensya ko dahil sa nakikita. Wala si Jacques dito! That means maybe
I can ask for my own room! Kaso lang, mukhang badtrip talaga siya kaya hindi ko na
lang muna gagambalain.
I opened my walk in closet. Nag-ayos ako ng gamit, naghubad, at naligo. Doon na
lang din ako nag-isip.
This is a long day for us. Maybe I should just let everything pass and ask him
about this tomorrow. 'Tsaka dahil wala si Jacques dito, baka naman pagkalabas ko
rito sa bathroom, tulog na siya sa kama. Iyon na lang ang inisip ko.
So after my long night bath, I went out of the bathroom. Inayos ko ang belt ng silk
robe ko, pagkatapos ay sinuklay na ang buhok. Natanaw ko ang kama na nakitang
maayos pa rin, walang laman. Hindi pa siya tapos? Napasulyap ako sa walk in closet
niya, it's open and the lights are on.
Inisip kong puntahan ang anak at icheck kung ayos ba siya pero sa huli, hindi na
lang. I don't want to disturb his sleep especially that he looked really tired
earlier. Dumiretso na lang ako sa kama at nagsuklay na lang ng buhok.
Umahon ang matinding kaba ko. This is the first time we'll sleep alone together in
a room! Thinking about it made me shudder. Napakawrong timing naman at badtrip
siya! If only he's in a better mood.
Wait! What? So what if he's mad? What will happen if he's in a good mood? Amber
Emilianna! Ano ba itong pinag-iisip mo? The thirst is real?
I cleared my throat. To cut my worldly thoughts, I stood up and went to the dresser
to continue brushing my long hair. Kaya lang, kahit na naroon na ako, nakatitig sa
sarili, hindi ko pa rin matigil ang isipan ko sa katotohanang ngayon lang kami
magsasama ng ganito!
We have a son but for years we were apart. At kahit may anak na kami, isang beses
lang namin nagawa iyon. I couldn't even remember anymore how it felt but the past
few weeks with him, there's a rising consciousness within me about something
electrifying. Hindi ko na lubusang maalala ang naramdaman ko noon pero alam ko na
may halong takot ko iyong ginawa. Maybe because I was very young. Right now, I'm
still scared but for a different reason. So the consciousness of the things he
could offer me is wilder than ever. Kaya nga kahit nagsusuklay ako ngayon, hindi ko
mawala sa isipan ko ang mga ganito!
Damn it, Amber! Kaya ka nabubuntis, e!
Mas lalo pa akong kinabahan!
Wala akong karanasan bukod sa nangyari sa amin. Masyado akong abala sa maraming
bagay para isipin pa ang parteng iyan sa buhay ko, bukod pa s'yempre sa hindi ako
nagkagusto kahit kanino. I've seen sexual movies and the likes at times but other
than that, my only first hand experience was with him. Alam kong hindi ganoon para
sa kanya. It's obvious with his body, and confidence, the first time we did it.
Paano pa ngayong mas lalo siyang nag mature at ilang taon na ang lumipas?
I shuddered at the thought of my own worldly things. Shuddered more at the thought
that his knowledge about it are lightyears apart with mine. Hindi ko na ipinagtaka
ang biglaang pagtalon ng mga balikat nang nakita siya sa salaming lumabas sa walk
in closet. His eyes was immediately on mine with a brow up with a silent question
for my sudden jump. Singhap lang ang sagot ko roon at iwas ng tingin. Umiwas lang
ang tingin niya sa akin nang binalingan na ang cellphone sa side cabinet.
Tumigil siya roon para tingnan ang cellphone. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kanyang suot.
Wala sa sarili niyang pinatuyo ang buhok gamit ang puting tuwalya. He did not care
to put on a shirt so his tanned chiseled upper body was on display. Kung wala lang
nakasampay na puting tuwalya sa balikat, matatanaw ko na ang hubog ng katawan niya.
His dark blue shorts hung on his v-line.
My eyes drifted on his snobbish eyes, just busy with the phone's screen and with
irritation etched on all corners. Mapait kong pinigil ang sarili kong pag-iisip.
Why did I think about worldly things when it's obvious that nothing close to that
will happen tonight? Galit siya sa akin and he'd rather ignore me than talk about
it.
Irritated and ashamed at myself, hindi ko na napigilan. Tumayo ako at hinarap siya,
kalmado at gusto lang naman umayos ang lahat. My sudden move made his eyes drift on
me, away from the cellphone. He continued to dry his damp hair and that look on his
eyes made my knees weak. Bakit ba ganito?
"Uh... k-kung gusto mo, ayos lang sa akin, sa ibang kuwarto na lang ako. W-Wala na
naman si Jacques dito, bubukod na lang ako," sabi ko.
He moved towards the bed, still drying the ends of the hair in his nape. Nanatili
ang seryoso at suplado niyang ekspresyon.
"Ba't ka bubukod? Kuwarto natin 'to." he said coldly.
Naupo siya sa kama at walang kahirap-hirap na inalis ang tuwalya sa balikat,
padarag na nilagay sa upuang malapit sa cabinet. May halong paghahamon sa mga mata
niya nang muli siyang bumaling sa akin. Kumalabog ang puso ko. Talagang galit siya.
Bad mood.
"G-Galit ka ba?" may pag-aalinlangan kong tanong.
His jaw clenched repeatedly and his eyes darkened more, like a storm readying its
onslaught. He looked away when our eye contact deepened.
"Kung galit ka... baka mas gugustuhin mong doon na lang muna ako-"
Tumigil ako sa pagsasalita nang lumundag ang puso ko dahil sa biglaan niyang pag
hawak sa kamay ko. Crouching while sitting on that bed, pouting, with soulful eyes
weary and angry at the same time, he caught my hand and pulled me closer to him.
Natigil ang hininga ko at nag-uugat ang mga paa ko sa kinatatayuan, kung hindi lang
niya ako hinila palapit sa kanya, nanatili na talaga ako doon, ng walang kibo.
He pulled me more until I'm in between his knees. Tiningala niya ako pero bago
iyon, nakita ko ang pagpasada niya ng tingin sa aking katawan bago sa aking mukha.
His brow shot up. His left hand held the back of my thigh to prevent me from moving
out of his hold.
"Kahit galit ako, hindi ka aalis sa kuwarto natin," he said.
My heart pounded so bad that I think he can hear it because of our distance. Nag-
iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya dahil mas lalo lang akong kinakabahan kapag
nagkakatinginan kaming dalawa.
"Bakit ka naman kasi galit? Wala naman akong ginagawang masama..." I said softly,
melting bit by bit because of his sudden touchy moves.
Hindi siya nagsalita. Nanatili ang titig niya. Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang itsura
dahil hindi naman ako nakatingin.
"Hindi mo ako pinapansin kaya bubukod na lang sana ako," I added.
"I don't like talking too much when I'm mad," napapaos niyang sinabi at mas lalo pa
akong hinila hanggang sa kayang kaya niya na akong ipitin para makulong doon.
I feel like I'm floating in the air. My heart is now booming that the thought of
looking at him will probably make me faint kaya hindi ko na ginawa. Nanatili ang
mga mata ko sa kama, on Jaxon's left side.
"Bakit ka nga galit? Sabi ko wala akong ginagawang masama."
"Nagseselos ako," he answered in a straightforward manner. "You like that man?
That's your type, right?"
Sa gulat ko, hindi ko na napigilan ang pagbaling sa kanya. Paano niya nasabi iyon?
The way he looked at me, I felt the sureness of his opinion. I wonder if he based
it with my past relationship. Kay Harper? The usual fair, and vain men I used to
like until I met him.
"Hindi, ah," marahan kong sinabi.
"That's your type. Reason why you keep telling me you don't like me back then.
Gusto mo ng mga ganoong lalaki."
"Hindi nga, Jax."
Umigting pa lalo ang panga niya. "I've seen the way you look at him on that stage.
You desired him..." nag-iwas siya ng tingin.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Ganoon na ba talaga ako ka passionate sa pagmomodelo at
naloloko ko ng husto ang mga tao? Napapaniwala ko maging siya?
I licked my lower lip. I watched him slowly let out whatever is on his mind. He was
angry and irritated but very vulnerable.
"I don't desire him. It's just work," pangungumbinsi ko.
Yumuko siya at hindi na nagsalita. His hand is on my thigh, the other one left my
hand to push the back of my left thigh more towards him. Nagsasalubong ang makapal
na kilay at nakasimangot pa rin. Ayaw maniwala sa mga sinasabi ko.
"That's why you only keep me and want me for hook-ups and nothing else..."
Ngumuso ako at bumuntong-hininga. Marahan kong nilagay ang kamay ko sa kanyang
balikat. His eyes went up to me, cocking his head to another side.
"Bakit? Nagreklamo ba ako noong sinabi mo roon na fiancee mo ako?"
Ngumuso siya, may multo ng ngiti sa kanyang labi, pinipigilang sumilay.
"Ikaw nga may ipinakilala sa'yong babae roon!" I said, shifting the topic.
Nagtaas siya ng kilay. "What about it, then? I'm not interested."
Hindi na ako dumugtong. Inabala ko ang sarili ko sa pagdama sa kanyang matigas na
balikat, Pinadantay ko ang aking daliri roon.
"Tss..." siya nang nakitang halos wala akong pakealam sa sagot niya. "Did you see
me look at the woman in a different way? Wala, hindi ba? I was just being polite
with her."
Nagtaas ako ng kilay. Hindi pa rin ako nagsalita. He looked at my fingers on his
shoulder but his eyes drifted back at me, with pure concentration now.
"Didn't even want to stay because I'm watching you drink while that bastard's hand
is on your back rest. Ano 'yon? Inaakbayan ka?"
Hindi ako makasagot dahil alam ko naman ang bagay na iyon. I know what Harry is
doing. I know it's wrong but maybe I'm just too confident that I would never like
him. He would never bother me because I like someone else. I desire someone else...
I love someone else.
"And it doesn't help that I just saw you so sweet and touchy on that stage, in
front of me." He gritted his teeth. "Didn't like the look you gave him. You don't
even look at me like that."
Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako naman ang nangingiti ngayon. Dinungaw ko siya at unti-
unting lumapit palapit sa kanya. Tumaas ang isang kilay ko, tinagilid ang ulo,
naglagay ng buhok sa likod ng tainga.
"Really? I don't?"
His eyes watched my thighs. Hinawakan niya iyon at itinulak bahagya patungo sa
kanya. He wanted to lift me and put me on his lap. He did it with me right thigh.
He bent my knees and put it on his lap so I shifted my weight on the other leg.
Kaya lang, gusto niya ring ganoon ang gawin sa kabila.
"You don't," he said, now his confidence dripping like acid. It was a contradiction
to his words.
Bakit kahit negatibo ang sinabi niya, sa tono niya parang alam niyang mali ang
sinasabi niya?
Nang ang madilim na mga mata niya ay nag-angat ng tingin sa akin, nanghina ako. It
was as if he knew that his sorrow would seduce me. His jealousy would push me to
say the perfect words. He knew that and he was doing it all for it.
"Trabaho lang 'yon, Jax. Wala lang 'yon. Huwag ka nang magselos," hindi ko na
napigilan ang lambing ng boses ko, sadyang nahuhulog sa kanyang bitag.
He licked his lower lip and pulled up my other knee. Napakapit ako sa kanya nang
tuluan na akong kumandong. Nagtaas noo ang mayabang niyang ekspresyon, nakaawang
ang labi, at ang mga mata sumusulyap sa aking labi at mata.
Slowly, his lips claimed mine in a lazy way. Para akong hinihele sa bawat dampi ng
kanyang halik. Pinipilit ng ritmo nito ang pagpikit sa aking mga mata at pagsabay
sa indayog ng galaw sa labi. He then stopped as I opened my eyes and try to catch
my breath.
Nalalasing, bumaba ang mga mata ko sa kanyang labi. His lips were red but they were
then firm when he inquired more about something that surely bothered him.
"Then, how are you jealous with the woman introduced to me? Hmm?"
Inayos ko ang sedang roba ng aking lingerie na bahagyang nahuhulog na dahil sa mga
ginagawa namin. His eyes drifted on my left shoulder, where my hand is trying to
put the hem of the robe in place. He helped me do it a bit but the belt on my
stomach loosened up. Mas lalo tuloy nahubad ang roba ko.
Biting my lower lip and already cornered by my own worldly desire of him,
nanginginig ang kamay ko sa pag-aayos noon. However, his eyes feasted on what's in
front of him. His vision remained on the valley of my mounds, na imbes tulungan
akong tabunan iyon, he slowly pulled down the robe to reveal my whole flesh lacey
spaghetti strapped lingerie.
"Jax!" marahan ang boses ko kahit pinilit kong mag protesta.
He tilted his head for an easy access to my exposed clavicle and neck. Half-
heartedly, I pushed his shoulders away pero sa huli, hinawakan ko na lang.
Nanghihina ako sa mararahan niyang halik sa aking leeg.
"Tama na nga, Jax..."
I closed my eyes and felt his lips tickling my neck softly. He stopped and claimed
my body more against him. Dumilat ako, hindi alam kung masaya ba na tumigil siya o
naiirita. His nose touched my chin. Tinagilid niya ang ulo niya, pinagmamasdan
akong mabuti habang nakakapit sa kanyang balikat para sa suporta. Ngayon ko lang
natanto na senswal ang aming ayos. Lalo pa nang may naramdaman ako just below my
stomach.
Mas lalong pumungay ang mga mata ko. His eyes were full of lust and control,
though.
"All the years of hopelessly waiting were for you and here you are doubting just
because of a woman introduced to me?"
I licked my lower lip, angry at his long, long words. Enough of it, Jax, please...
"Mahal kita, Amber. Hindi ako nagmahal ng iba kahit iniwan mo 'ko at naniwala akong
kinasal ka."
Suminghap siya at pinirmi ang ilong sa aking panga. His lips then touched my neck
again. Napapikit ako, anticipating another round of sweet soft kisses. It came. He
was so good at it that my sanity got swept away.
Pinipilit kong huwag magpadala. Pilit kong inisip ang kalagayan ko kapag bumigay
ako sa kanya pero sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon, nagkasundo ang anghel at ang
halimaw sa banga sa iisang kagustuhan. It was a battle - not between my mind and
heart because I can feel now that they are allies. And just when I thought that
it's between my body and soul, I was proven wrong. Because my soul has agreed to
the desires of my body. My soul has desired him, too. My soul gave in and the
battle has been won.
His hand grazed my underboob. Tumingkayad ako dahilan ng sakit sa tiyan. His member
was throbbing real bad and it felt like steel in between us. Nagpakawala ako ng
ungol na hindi ko alam saan nanggaling.
From my boob, his hand slid on my bare thigh and one forceful move, I heard my
panty's thread snap when his fingers found a way inside me. I looked at him with
begging as I felt him in between me.
Hi jaw clenched when he realized what he's done to my system. Bigung-bigo ako nang
inalis niya ang kamay niya noon. I tried to seduce him for a kiss so he'd do it
again but he was such a snob!
Mas lalo pang nagsalubong ang kilay niya. Nakasimangot na siya at patuloy ang
pagkuyom ng panga. I saw his angry eyes drifting on my breasts. Ni wala na akong
pakealam na hindi na maayos ang lingerie na suot ko. It revealed too much skin and
the ends were already on my hips as I'm cradled on his lap.
"Hindi rin ako nagkaroon ng iba noong naghiwalay tayo. Kahit hook-up, wala," amin
ko. "Kahit sobrang nagseselos ako, ikaw pa rin."
Namumungay ang mga mata ko nang nagkatinginan kami samantalang sa kanya, seryoso at
punong-puno ng kamunduhan.
"You're still in love with me?" napapaos niyang sinabi.
Naghintay siya ng idudugtong ko pero hanggang doon na lang ang kaya kong aminin.
Pakiramdam ko kasi mahuhulog lang ako lalo kapag inamin ko pa sa kanya iyon!
He kissed me and stopped for another question.
"You love me," he said cockily and then he smiled evilly.
His hand kneaded my breasts now. Nang naramdaman ko iyon, nawala pa lalo ako sa
sarili. Looking back at my memories, I know I felt this way buy I never thought was
this electrifying that I could lose all my sane thoughts.
He slipped his hand beneath my legs again as his lips teased my twin peaks
alternately. I felt his fingers touch my wet flesh beneath at isang mahabang ungol
ang pinakawalan ko. I am so wet and he was confirming it right now.
The sweet sensation of his kisses and touch spread through me. I felt the warm
liquid on my flesh as my desire rapidly building. His tongue flickered on my
nipples as my eyes shut close, feeling all the sensation at once.
The aching desire throbbed in between my legs. When his hand left it, his steel
hard member was more defined and more painful now. Dumilat ako para tingnan siya at
ang una kong nakita ay ang matagumpay na ngiti sa labi pagkatapos ay ang mga matang
walang meron kundi ang hindi matiis na kamunduhan.
The erratic thumping on my heart made me more aware of what I'm feeling. Lalo pa
noong dinilaan niya ang labi niya habang tanaw ang labi ko.
"I want to kiss you there," he said clearly bago ako marahang itinabi.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko, gusto ko sanang isipin na hindi ko alam ang ibig niyang
sabihin kaya lang, may ideya ako. And thinking about my idea is making me tremble
with delicious anticipation.
"Jax... Jax..." I called when he was slowly removing my lingerie, leaving me with
only my panties.
He was slow at first but my erotic calls bothered him so bad. I felt his
frustration when he forcedly removed my panty and parted my legs for his access.
"Jaxon!" I called but it was then accompanied with a long, long moan.
The sweet sensation speared through me. His tongue flickered inside me and his lips
masterfully played with my flesh. Nakahiga na ako sa kama ngayon at gustuhin ko
mang isarado ang binti ko, nakahawak siya sa paa ko at pinanatili iyong nakabukas
ng ganoon.
"Ahh! Oh!" Hindi ko na napigilan.
The frantic beating of my heart was because of my awareness of something that's
building up inside of me. I tried hard to open my eyes and look at him. Umangat pa
ako ng konti. Hindi iyon nakatulong sa pagpigil sa kung ano mang nararamdaman dahil
nang nakita ko siyang damang dama ang sarap sa ginagawa, I felt myself tremble and
pulsate. I lost myself at that as I let out a loud unknown voice!
Hindi siya tumigil sa paghalik. I was embarrassed with the tangible pleasure I was
pouring out but I was too pleasured to stop him from kissing me there. Ni hindi ko
nga alam paano ko naipanatiling nakatuko ang kamay ko. Paano ako hindi napahiga sa
nangyari.
Just when my spinning head was slowly managing and my eyes slowly steadying, I saw
him in front of m with all his prowess. My Jaxon Riego in his naked glory. My eyes
snapped open to see his broad muscled shoulders tapering down to his v-lined hips
and powerful legs, the faint matting of dark hair on his chest and the chiseled
abdomen.
Hindi ko na namalayan ang pag-awang ng labi ko sa nakikita sa harap. He was so
erect. His erection was thick and prominent against the thin jet black hair around
it. My eyes went to his and realized that he was gleaming with hunger.
He climbed up and started kissing my breasts. Napahiga ako at dinama ang mga halik
kasabay ang pagbabanta niya sa akin. As he kissed me, slowly building up my desire
once more, his member rubbed my hypersensitive flesh. I am wetting it so bad,
spreading warm fluid on his throbbing steel hard masculinity.
At parang switch lang na mabilis akong nagising. Or maybe it was the years of
secretly wanting him, years of longing, anticipation. It was that or my incredible
insatiable lust for him. Para mapigilan ko ang kahiya-hiya kong kagustuhang iyon, I
caught his member with my hand. He stopped rubbing and he stopped his kisses on my
neck.
Hirap pa akong abutin iyon pero hindi niya naman ipinagdamot. Then with trembling
other hand, I caught it now with both hands. Tiningnan ko siya habang nakababa ang
tingin sa aking mga kamay. I've seen enough movies, heard enough stories, and
imagined too much not to know how to pleasure him. I stroked him twice until his
hand caught mine to make me stop.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin.
"That's enough," pagalit niyang sinabi.
"Huh? Pero... Jax..." I said with a soft erotic voice.
Sinubukan kong ulitin iyon sa isang kamay lang pero ipinako niya ang kamay na iyon
at muli akong hinalikan. I protested slightly but I felt him slowly penetrating an
entrance.
"Enough or I'll cum on your hands."
His words sent shivers down my spine. The thought of it made me blush profusely.
"I wanna pleasure you, too..."
Numinipis ang pasensa niya, nararamdaman ko. Bawat ungol ko at pagmamakaawang gusto
ko siyang pasayahin, nawawalan siya ng kontrol.
He was just being careful, I know, but his rubbing is killing me. It made me lose
my patience, too. I wanted him so bad. I want to pleasure him but I want to be
pleasured, too. I feel like him inside me would do that so I wriggled my hips and
pushed myself to him each time he prepare an soft entrance.
"Baby- fuck!" he said angrily when I cried out for an almost penetration.
Parang lastikong hinilang mabuti lampas sa tibay nito, naputol ang inalagaang
pasensya ni Jaxon. His entrance was very quick and his moves with merciless
certainty. I cried out the pain but it was too late for him.
He road me hard. So hard that he lost himself. Nakatingala, hinahabol ang kung ano,
namumula, at may maliwanag na lakas sa bawat kilos. I was beyond pleasure and I
thought I'd never build it up again. I thought I was done for tonight. He was very
huge that to me, it was all pain and hardly no pleasure. I was wrong. I was very
wrong. He tilted up my thigh as he drove himself to me, that's when my moans slowly
became different. His each thrust teased something in me, pushed pleasure in me. I
was sure he was aware of that because when I opened my eyes, I saw him watching me
with a steely look.
"Jax! Oh!" I repeated all of it like a chant as pleasure filled my head like a
monster annihilating what's left of my sanity.
His hungry thrusts were cradled by my squeezing insides. Without warning, I felt
myself still and throb as his member swelled. Alam na alam niya dahil habang
nangyayari iyon, bumilis ang bawat kilos niya. He was also on the brink. While I
was dealing with mine, I felt him spill hotly inside of me. He growled and caught
his breath as he looked down at our intetwined bodies with lust and fulfillment.
He lowered himself and remained some slow thrust as his own pleasure continued, and
mine ended.
He was dark and serious when he watched my sleepy eyes. And then in the end, his
lips rose for a wicked smile. Uminit ang pisngi ko at gusto ko siyang itulak sa
kahihiyan sa nangyari sa amin.
"Now, don't you dare fuck me with your hook up excuse. You're engaged to me. You're
going to be my wife."
Kumunot lalo ang noo ko. Lumapit siya sa akin at niyakap ako.
"I'm in love with you so I'll marry you. Ganoon ka rin," aniya. "Wala nang ibang
dahilan."
[ 41 Kabanata39 ]
-------------------------------

Kabanata 39
Marry
Namumungay ang mga mata kong humilig sa kanyang dibdib. Ang mainit na tubig ay
nanunuot sa aking balat, pinapawi ang sakit sa buong katawan. Inaantok ako pero
ayaw ko pang ipikit ang mga mata ko kaya pinaglalaruan ko muna ang mga bulang
nakapatong sa mainit na tubig ng jacuzzi.
"I moved your shoot in the afternoon. I can move it next week if you want," Jaxon
whispered.
"Afternoon is fine. Gusto kong matapos na 'yon para konti na lang ang alalahanin
ko," sabi ko habang pinaglalaruan ang gabundok na bula sa harap.
I felt his hand crawl on my stomach, embracing me tightly on the waters. Inangat ko
ng konti ang mga siko ko para bigyang daan pa ang isa pang kamay niya na ganoon din
ang ginawa. He bent his hairy thigh. Nagpakita ngayon ang tuhod niyang kani-kanina
lang nasa ilalim ng tubig.
"Our third was a bit rough, I'm sorry," bulong niyang muli.
Ngumuso ako. Hinaplos niya naman ang buhok ko.
"Sabik lang."
"Kahit pangatlo na?" sa maliit na boses kong tanong.
He only chuckled. Hindi na sinagot ang tanong ko at naiisip kong hanggang ngayon,
kaya niya pa. I missed him, too. We both miss each other bad but, damn, I didn't
know he's insatiable.
"Sorry," he said playfully.
"O-Okay lang naman. Hindi naman ako nagrereklamo."
He chuckled more. Umayos din ang pagkakayakap niya at nagpatuloy siya ngayon sa
paghahaplos sa akin. His other hand went to my upper abdomen, almost touching my
underboob. Uminit ang pisngi ko, mas lalo ring pumungay ang mga mata. I feel like a
jelly, soft and squishy right now. At kung wala siyang hinihiligan ko, baka kanina
pa nga ako natunaw rito.
"I'm on depo so... I won't get pregnant."
Hindi siya nagsalita kaya sinulyapan ko siya. Madilim ang tingin niya,
nagkakasalubong ang makapal na kilay at medyo ngumunguso ngayon. I imitated his
lips now.
"Kailangan kasi... para sa work ko," I explained.
He kissed my nape and his lips remained there for a few silent moments. Akala ko
magsasalita na siya nang huminga ng malalim pero ibinaon niya lang ang mukha sa
aking leeg... like something is bugging him.
"Do you fuck that way?" I said, bothered now when I realized something.
"Hmm?" his inquiry was muffled.
"No protection? Like our first time? Iniisip ko lang baka may kapatid si Jacques sa
ibang babae," I said that matter-of-factly.
It bothered him, I'm sure. Kasi umangat ang mukha niya para protestahan ang sinabi
ko.
"Wala!" medyo pagalit niyang sinabi. "Stop thinking about that."
Tinitigan ko ang mga bula. I know what he is. I know he has a lot of experience and
I won't take that against him. Hindi ko na rin gustong malaman kung ilan, sino, at
kung anu-ano ba ang nangyari. I just know that fact and I acknowledge that as a
part of him. I want him to know that it's truly okay with me.
Nagtama ang tingin namin. I gave him a weak and soulful gaze while his was a dark
glare. I gave a small smile.
"You're a playboy. Bago kita naging boyfriend, alam ko 'yon. Hindi mo na kailangang
pagtakpan ang sarili mo dahil noong sinagot kita, tinanggap ko rin 'yon."
"I am not comfortable talking about this," he warned.
I smiled more. "Hindi ako magseselos, Jax-"
"Kahit na. Hindi natin 'to pag-uusapan, Amber."
I pouted because his tone was marked with conviction and finality. Ang lumuwang
niyang yakap, muling humigpit ngayon. I craned my neck a bit because he was needing
that small space on my left shoulder. The roughness of his thin stubble is evident
when I felt it.
"I make love only to you," he said.
Inipit ako ng kanyang mga binti, hindi yata nakukuntento sa yakap niyang mahigpit.
"I give my feelings only to you," his lips touched my ear. "Kaya para sa tanong mo,
sa'yo lang ako ganoon. Sa'yo lang."
My head went to many technical thoughts about his escapades with his past girls but
in the end, I smiled and thought about something else.
"So... did you plan to knock me up?" malambing ko ulit na tanong.
Suminghap siya at halos itulak ako sa pagkakahilig dahil sa pagbabago at
paghihigpit muli ng yakap. He kissed my nape and I shivered.
"You were very young. I don't have the heart to do that to you and your dreams
but... I'm so in love, I got carried away."
Kinurot ko ang braso niya.
"Talaga ba? Asshole!" marahan ngunit may diin kong paratang. "Bakit parang tuwang-
tuwa ka nong sinabi ko sa'yo na buntis ako?"
He smiled and caressed my hair. "I told you I was crazy for you so it was such a
pleasure to me."
Umirap ako at hinayaan siyang halik-halikan nang paulit-ulit ang pisngi ko habang
humahalakhak sa pinag-uusapan namin. Humilig muli ako sa kanyang dibdib at marahang
pinikit ang mga mata.
I was scared to be attached to him. Kaya naman, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit
wala akong ibang maramdaman ngayon kundi ginhawa at kapayapaan. Takot akong
pakawalan ang kadilimang itinago ko ng ilang taon, na hindi ko alam na ganito
palang ginhawa ang mararamdaman ko kung tuluyan ko siyang pakakawalan. It was as
normal as breathing. Loving him, to me, is as ordinary is living. Ngayon, hindi ko
tuloy maisip kung paano ako namuhay noon ng wala siya sa buhay ko. O paano siya
namuhay ng wala ako.
I opened my eyes and looked at my fingers. I stopped at my ring finger with the
engagement ring on it.
"After all your work this week, I want you to think about the details of our
wedding. Kung saan mo gustong ikasal, at iba pang tungkol doon," he said.
Hindi pa rin ako nagsalita. Jaxon seemed so sure now while I'm still stuck on
something else. He noticed my silence so he stopped and looked at me.
"What are you thinking?"
Umiling ako at nilingong muli siya. "Hindi ako sigurado kung kakayanin kong
kontrolin ang pagmamahal ko sa'yo."
Hinawakan niya ang mga kamay ko. Caressing my small fingers with his thumb and
index, he remained silent as I explained my own raw feelings.
"Jax... selosang selosa ako."
"Alam ko," he said languidly.
I shook my head again. "You can control your jealousy now. I don't think I can,
though. Kaya ko nga nasabi sa'yo ang tungkol kay Jacques dahil selos na selos ako
nun, e. Kaya hindi ko alam paano..."
"You really think it was easy for me to control my jealousy? Hindi iyon naging
madali."
Inangkin niya ang mga kamay ko at binaba. Wala tuloy akong mapagkakaabalahang
tinginan kaya bumaling ulit ako sa kanya.
"To see you on that stage touched by another man isn't easy for me but I want to
keep you so I urged myself to learn. To be better. Iyon ang wala sa atin noon. Iyon
ang aaralin nating dalawa ngayon," he said.
Namilog ang mga mata ko. Tears slowly pooled my eyes when I realized that he
thought of this too much. The thought of him thinking about our past to arrive to
this solution hurt me. Hindi ko inakalang ganito ang mga iniisip niya.
"Iyon din ang gusto ko sana kaya ko tinalikuran ang trabaho at pinili kita, but
before we both learned that, we lost what we have. This time, we won't lose it
anymore. I won't lose you anymore."
Tumango ako, desidido na ngayon na ibigay sa kanya ng buong-buo at walang pag-
aalinlangan ang pagmamahal ko, gaano man ka nakakatakot ang marahas at
makapangyarihan kong pag-ibig.
"We will learn this together. We will learn how to love better. I will learn how to
love you better, I promise you that."
Hindi ko na napigilan ang pagpikit ko dahil sa pagsalubong ng maiinit na luha. He
hugged me tight and kissed my head.
"I won't promise you to be perfectly in control of my jealousy all the time, too.
But I'll try my hardest to be better to keep you. So please, don't doubt. Please,
love me with all your heart again. I have loved you with all of mine, ever since,
Amber."
Inangat ko ang braso ko at hindi na napigilang harapin siya yakapin siya sa batok.
Itinago ko ang aking mukha sa kanyang leeg.
I was scared to fall in love with him again, not knowing that I can't fall in love
because I am still so in love. I thought only of my pain and my doubts, I never
thought of his. Tumango ako bilang pagsang-ayon at pagpapangako pero alam kong
hindi iyon magiging sapat.
"I never stopped loving you with all of my heart, too, Jax. May itinago lang akong
madilim na parte ng pagmamahal ko. I have kept it sealed because I always think my
love for you was my only weakness," I said through the tears. "But I guess that's
how it always go... it won't be called love if it isn't my strength and weakness at
the same time."
Hinaplos niya ang buhok ko at ang likod ko. He was so gentle and I have nothing to
ask for. I feel like right now, for me, everything is in place. Hindi bale na ang
masakit na nakaraan, ang importante ay ang ngayon at ang kagustuhan naming dalawang
magkaroon ng bukas... na magkasama.
"Kaya... oo na! I love you. I have always loved you."
It was all like a dream. Na kahit noong dumilat na ako kinabukasan, nakahiga sa
kama, at natatanaw ang kisame ng kuwarto. Isang galaw, nararamdaman ko ang kamay na
nakahawak sa kamay ko at ang hinihigaang matigas na dibdib sa gilid ko.
"Mornin'," he said cooly and kissed my forehead.
Uminit ang pisngi ko nang naalala ulit lahat ng nangyari kagabi. Unang pagkakataong
mapag-isa kami sa kuwarto, may nangyari na kaagad! Although, the things after what
happened between us were heartwarming, so I shouldn't complain anymore.
"Hmm. What time is it?"
"Eight thirty. Hinintay kong magising ka bago magpaalam para asikasuhin si
Jacques," he said and moved a bit.
Hinayaan ko siya at naisip ang anak ko. Eight thirty?! He moved my schedule, right?
And Jacques! He's probably awake now! Kanina pa, actually. Ibig sabihin hindi
talaga pumasok ang anak ko rito?
"A-Anong oras na ang schedule ng shoot ko?"
"One. Dadalhin ko ang anak natin sa opisina. Ihahatid ka rin namin sa trabaho mo at
susunduin kita pagkatapos."
Jaxon said as he dressed in his white t-shirt. Hindi ko mapigilan ang pagsulyap sa
kanyang katawan. He saw how my eyes twinkle and a smirk was suddenly plastered on
his face. Muli niya akong binalikan para sa isa pang halik.
Sinubukan kong bumangon. Bukod sa iniisip kong kailangan ko nang mag-ayos, iniisip
ko rin ang anak ko. Jacques is a smart kid. He would surely ask why we were not up
early and that would lead to a more curious question. Wala yata akong isasagot sa
anak ko pero hindi ko siya puwedeng lokohin kaya sasagutin ko ng maayos iyon.
"Take your time. I'll prepare our breakfast," pigil ni Jaxon sa akin.
"Si Jacques... baka may itanong. Kailangan kong-"
"Let me handle him," he said confidently.
Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. Nabitin sa ere ang pagsubok kong bumangon kahit
hinihila pa ako ng katawan ko sa kama.
"Jacques is very smart, Jax. Pagkalabas mo rito, I know what his questions will be
like. I always answer him in a mature way because that's what I think he needs,
that's what he is."
"I know. Don't worry about it now. Let me handle our son," aniya at isang pasadang
inayos ang buhok bago ako pinatakan muli ng halik. "After all, it's my
responsibility to ask your hand from him. It's my responsibility to explain to him
what took me so long to marry you. Pagkatapos, sabay na lang nating ipaalam sa
kanya ang plano."
I stayed on bed in awe. He smirked.
"Tawagan mo na lang ang Mommy mo. Mamamanhikan ako. I know she saw this coming and
I called her earlier this morning. She said she'll clear her sched."
"M-Mamamanhikan?"
The thought of Mommy and Tito Achilles on the same table bothered me.
"Sa lalong madaling panahon, Amber, dahil alam kong aalis na siya pa Costa Leona
para mamahala roon."
"Talaga? Hindi ko alam. I mean, she had plans but..." I trailed off because I never
really thought Mommy would do it.
Nang iniwan na ako ni Jaxon sa bedroom, iyon nga ang unang ginawa ko. Using his
phone, I texted Mommy and asked her if I could call. Siya na mismo ang tumawag sa
akin at gaya ng expectations ko, I received many harsh comments from her the first
thing.
"You just told me you don't wanna marry anybody. Kaya ano itong sinasabi ni Jaxon?
The nerve of you to make it all seem like you're femme fatale and now, you end up
this way," she said it like I am ending up with something disgusting.
Iniisip ko kung paano siya iaapproach ngayon. I tried being hard on her, I tried
being nice, I tried every approach possible but nothing seems to be good for her.
"Magpapakasal ka rin lang naman pala! Hinihintay mo lang na sa tatay ng anak mo.
Are you doing this for your son, Amber?"
Puwede ko namang salbahin ang sarili ko pero parehong approach lang iyon sa dati.
What I failed to try is being true... and being mushy. I wonder how she will react
to that.
"Hay naku! Now that you see that his father is doing very well, and you lack of
funds, payag ka na? Magtatrabaho na nga ako, 'di ba? I'm going home to Costa Leona
to handle the main branch. Mag-uusap pa lang kami ni Snow. Napapanahon din kasi
dahil buntis siya at baka manatili sila rito ni Sibal. Kaya bakit ka pa
magpapakasal?"
Umirap ako. She really thinks men are just there for our financial needs. Hindi
niya ba naisip na puwede namang magpapakasal ako dahil mahal ko si Jaxon? Hindi
para kay Jacques o para sa pera... para lang sa akin. Para sa kaligayahan ko.
It makes me wonder if she rejected Tito Achilles because he was poor and she wanted
my Daddy because Dad was a Sevilla. Pero naaalala ko, it was Tito Achilles who
rejected Mom, right? That was why she was so angry to hell.
"Mom, I-I'm in love with Jaxon," tanging nasabi ko.
Hindi siya nakapagsalita pagkatapos kong sabihin iyon. Nagbuntong-hininga ako at
naisip na ngayon ko pa lang narealize kung paano siyang tamang sagutin sa tanong
niyang iyon.
"I'm not marrying him for his money and status, or for Jacques to have a complete
family. Alam kong alam mo ang stand ko riyan. I can raise my son alone. Kaso...
bakit pa kung puwede namang kaming dalawa? Bakit pa kung mahal niya naman ako at
ayaw niyang mawala ako. Bakit pa... kung mahal ko rin naman siya?"
Tanging paghinga lang ang naririnig ko galing kay Mommy. I bit my lower lip and
suddenly felt a pang of pain for her.
"I have been in denial for the past years to guard my heart. Trust me, iyon lang
talaga ang gusto ko, Mom. Pero ang hirap pala kapag buong buhay ko, siya lang ang
minahal ko. Ang hirap tanggihan, lalo pa noong nalaman kong ako lang din ang
minahal niya. At ako lang ang minamahal niya," nanginig ang boses ko.
I heard Mom's long inhale but she didn't speak. Yumuko ako at sa kauna-unahang
pagkakataon simula noong bumukod kami, I wish that she's here, in front of me. The
coldest and the strongest woman I know, in front of me so I could hug her and show
her how happy I am to be this vulnerable for the man I'm in love with. How it's
okay to trust and hope for a future that's uncertain. How it's okay to believe that
we can do it because this love is the only thing that is certain.
"I know you'd ask me to not trust fully... that I will be hurt if I did. That this
is kissing the flames... a leap in the hot sun... that it will burn me eventually.
Mom, I guess that's just how life is. We would never be truly happy without a
little pain. We would never be truly free if we don't go out, get burnt, feel the
pain, and learn. Kaya pakakawalan ko ang sarili ko. Pakakawalan ko ang pagmamahal
ko para sa kanya. Matagal na rin kasi itong kumakatok, 'di ko lang pinagbibigyan."
I laughed a bit.
Hindi na ako nakadagdag pa. My last words were slurred and my heart aches. Hindi ko
inasahang ganito kagaan sa loob ang masabi sa kanya ang lahat ng saloobin ko. Ni
hindi ko iyon masabi kay Jaxon. Kay Mommy lang. Kahit na lagi niyang sinasabi na
hindi ako nagmana sa kanya, I still think we have that incredible connection.
"I'm happy for you..." napapaos niyang sinabi.
Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, hikbi ang narinig ko. Mas lalo tuloy bumuhos ang luha
ko. I always cry but my Mommy was always strong. To imagine her crying, to hear her
crying, is almost my death.
"Thank you, Mom," I smiled.
Ilang sandali ko pang pinawi ang bara sa lalamunan ko. Pinalis ko rin ang luhang
lumandas sa mga pisngi at nang nakabawi, huminga muli ng malalim.
"Please, help me with the wedding preparations, Mom. I need your expertise and
taste. I want it to be intimate and true. Please?"
She laughed a bit. "I would love to but... I will need funds to travel here and
back to Costa Leona."
Tumawa na rin ako sa sinabi niya. "Baka sa Costa Leona ko po piliing ikasal. That's
where I met him, anyway. That's where it all began so... no need for that."
"Fine, then. Magsabi ka lang at tutulong ako," she said weakly.
"Thank you. Kailangan nga pala puwedeng mamanhikan, Mom? Tinatanong 'yon ni Jaxon
kanina. Inaayos mo pa raw ang schedule mo."
Just when I thought she'd run for the hills, I was proven wrong.
"I'm free later tonight. Puwedeng bukas din. I'm free the whole week, for dinner."
"T-Talaga po?"
"Yes, hija. Tanghali kami magkikita ni Snow sa mga meetings namin kaya okay ako
pagdating ng gabi. And maybe you can ask Jaxon to book for a nice restaurant, hindi
magandang dito mo siya dalhin lalo na't iba ang impresyon niya kay Nikolai."
"I told him I was never in a relationship with Nikolai so he would be cool about
it."
She sighed. "Ikaw ang bahala, hija. Kayo na ang mag set kung saan. Just call me
when you have the complete details."
"Okay po, Mommy."
That was the end of the call. Habang nasa banyo, iyon lang ang naging laman ng
isipan ko. I wonder what Mommy is thinking right now. Then I felt sad for her when
I realized that if I have my own family, she might feel lonely. Wala si Nikolai at
wala ring pera si Mommy. Uuwi siya ng Costa Leona para mamahala. I wonder if the
work will keep her from being too lonely?
Pagkatapos kong mag-ayos at magbihis, dumiretso na ako sa labas. Both Jaxon and
Jacques are also now in their proper clothes. Nagulat nga ako, e. Lalo na nang
nakita ko ang anak na naka itim na longsleeves, dark maong pants, at brown top
sider na. Jax is wearing his usual formal wear. I'm betting he has a meeting. After
all, ngayon pa lang siya papasok pagkatapos ng leave niya.
Di-diretso na sana ako kung hindi ko lang naririnig si Jaxon. Naglalapag siya ng
steamed brocolli and mushroom sa harap ng anak. Nakaupo si Jacques sa kabisera, sa
upuan ng ama, habang nakikinig sa mga sinasabi nito. I stopped to hear more because
it was interesting.
"You marry the girl you love, first. After that, you can have a baby," si Jaxon.
"But you didn't marry Mama yet when you had us," he concluded and it sounded as if
Jaxon had been telling him that for the past thirty minutes.
"Yes, I didn't. But I was sure then that I want to marry her. I just didn't have
the money and status to do that yet. We also had a misunderstanding so we both
chose to be apart-" Jaxon stopped there na para bang pinilit niya lang na sabihin
iyon.
"And you said you thought you lost the baby because my sister died?" si Jacques.
Sister? Kinagat ko ang labi ko at tinitigan si Jaxon. He nodded to our son. I
wonder if he told our son that... and he hoped for a daughter all along. All this
time. Parang kinurot ang puso ko.
"You were sad because of that. And happy again when you met and know me."
Ngumiti si Jaxon at tumango ulit.
"All the years we were apart, I hoped for your Mama and you. There were times when
I thought I gave up but I'm glad I didn't. Nagtrabaho ako ng mabuti, Jacques,
habang magkahiwalay tayo. I hope you can forgive me for the lost years."
Jacques looked at the food in front of him. Kinabahan ako sa magiging opinyon ng
anak pero nagulat nang nagsalita siya. "Maybe it was better if you did marry Mama
first so she won't get away, huh?"
Jaxon chuckled. "Yes, son. But I didn't have the money and status yet, that time, I
thought I'm not good enough."
My son nodded at that and looked at his father again. "So you have to have money
and status before you get married..."
"Yes."
"You have that now, right?"
"I think so..."
"I'll forgive you only if you ask Mama to marry you," my son was serious when he
said that.
Namilog ang mga mata ko. Jaxon equalled my son's serious glare at him. Hindi ko
inakalang mangyayari ito. I thought Jacques would always be an ally to Jaxon, now I
think I'm wrong.
"I already did. We are talking about this now because I asked her to marry me."
"Did you convince her enough to say yes?" Jacques asked coldly.
Ngumuso si Jaxon, may ngiting itinatago sa labi. Hindi siya sumagot doon at
nagtitigan lang ang dalawa.
"Manang-mana ka sa akin, alam mo ba 'yon?" he said, supressing a grin.
Without thinking, nagpatuloy na ako sa paglalakad. Kitang-kita ko ang pag-aayos ni
Jacques nang natanaw ako. I think Jaxon knew I was around, watching them. Kasi
noong nagkatinginan kami, normal lang sa kanya at nangingiti pa. Lumipat si Jacques
sa kanyang upuan. Nilapitan ko siya.
"Good morning, Mama!" he greeted.
"Good morning, Jacques..."
Kitang-kita ko ang titig niya sa singsing. Nang napansin niya ang tingin ko, nag-
iwas agad siya ng tingin na parang walang nangyari. Umupo ako sa harap niya at si
Jaxon naman ngayon sa kabisera. Naglapag ng juice si Ate Nelia habang nakatitig ang
anak sa akin, may tanong sa mga mata.
"You're going to work with Papa today?" I asked.
"Uh-huh..." pagkatapos ay tinitigan niya si Jaxon.
He looked frustrated at something. Jax smirked but our son was bothered and
panicking. Medyo naghahamon pa nga sa ama at tinuturo ako ng palihim. Nagtaas ng
kilay si Jaxon, patay-malisyang walang alam sa sinisenyas ng anak.
"What is it?" nagtanong ako.
Nagsasalubong na ang kilay ng mga anak nang binalingan ako. Iritado na siya at
frustrated dahil sa hindi masagot-sagot na tanong niya.
"Are you gonna marry Papa?"
Natawa ako dahil hindi na napigilan ng anak. Jaxon chuckled, too. Jacques was full
of it now.
"Tell me, Papa! Did she say yes already? Mama!" pilit ni Jacques.
Ngitng-ngiti si Ate Nelia na nakikinig sa usapan. Biting my lower lip, I looked at
our son, eye to eye. Sasagutin ko na sana pero hinawakan ni Jaxon ang kamay ko at
hinaplos ang singsing.
"Will you marry me, Amber?" I know he's only doing it now for the sake of our son.
Jacques eyes looked at me with frustration, waiting for an answer!
"Yes..." I said it again for our son.
Tumalon si Jacques at yumakap ng mahigpit sa ama. Ibinaon ang mukha sa dibdib nito
at iilang hikbi ang pinakawalan. Jaxon laughed and kissed him. Tumayo ako at
niyakap na ang mag-ama ko.

[ 42 Kabanata40 ]
-------------------------------

This is the final chapter. Maraming salamat sa pagbibigay sa akin ng oportunidad

para isulat ang nararamdaman. Thank you also for giving me an opportunity to grow
and improve no matter if it's slow. I am in deep gratitude for your patience and
support. Hindi ako magsasawang magpasalamat sa inyo palagi. Maraming salamat. After
this is the epilogue/wakas. I hope you enjoyed this journey of new lessons because
I did.
Kabanata 40
You
I thought I could peacefully work that day. Sumama si Jacques sa kanyang ama at
papunta pa lang dito, ramdam ko na ang magiging araw ni Jaxon. I wonder if he could
keep our son entertained while busy? Or maybe Jacques will be only too happy to
observe his father work? Baka nga.
I had to inform my closest friends, Phillie and Harper. Habang inaayusan para sa sa
shoot, kakausapin ko sana si Harper through a phone call. Isusunod ko rin si
Phillie. However, my first attempt to Harper didn't go well.
"Hello! Good afternoon, Harper!" medyo maligaya kong bati.
Kinakabahan ako. I don't know how he will react but for sure it's a better reaction
than Philomena's! Kaya siya ang inuna ko para makapaghanda.
"Hi, Amber. Si Daniella 'to. Nasa CR si Harper. Need anything?" a woman's bedroom
voice made me grow still.
Hindi ko inasahan iyon. Hapon na at base sa boses ni Daniella, hindi ko maisip na
nasa opisina sila o sa labas man lang. I am sure they are in a room or something.
Are they living together now? I'm not the one to judge since I'm doing it myself
but I'm just a bit shocked. Well, matanda na rin naman si Harper at si Daniella,
they can make their own sound decisions now.
"Ah. Sorry, sorry, Daniella. Uh, I just want to tell him something but..."
"I can call him or you can wait for him," she said.
"Huwag na. Hindi naman masyadong importante. 'Tsaka baka maging busy rin ako
afterwards kasi nasa trabaho ako. I'll just text him later."
"Sure?"
"Yeah, sure. Sorry."
"No problem. I'll tell him you called."
So that was the end of my plan to call Harper and Phillie. Nadala ako roon kaya
instead of calling Philomena, I opted to text her instead.
Ako:
Good afternoon! I just want to let you know na nagkabalikan kami ni Jaxon. I'm
getting married. Mamanhikan sila ng pamilya niya later. I'll tell you more details
kapag nagkita tayo.
I smirked when her reply was very fast.
Phillie:
Are you fucking serious? Omg! Malandi ka! Asan ka ngayon? Pupuntahan kita! Hahaha!
Umirap ako at nagtipa na rin ng isasagot.
Ako:
Nasa shoot. You can visit. It's not very hectic like my usual gig kaya ayos lang.
Isang oras lang ang lumipas, sa kalagitnaan ng shoot, andoon na si Philomena.
Lurking around the venue and getting friendly with the staff and photographers.
Wearing a faded maong pants that made her legs look longer, a sweet knitted
spaghetti strap with her mid length hair curled properly. Her looks reflect her
bubbly attitude kaya hindi ko mapigilang matawa at mangiti dahil sa mga panloloko
niya sa set.
My shoot is just inside the mock bathroom. Kinabukasan pa iyong panghuli na outdoor
shoot. Mamaya ko pa malalaman ang detalye pero nainform na ako ni Miss Tamara na
sasama nga raw si Jaxon sa shoot na iyon. For sure he'll bring Jacques, too.
The staff handed me a robe for the break. Gigil na tumawa si Phillie nang lumapit
sa akin.
"I knew it! Nagbibilang na lang ako ng araw, e! Kailan?" she asked.
Umiling ako. "Wala ka bang trabaho at may time ka pa talagang pumunta rito?
Naghahasik ka ng lagim sa mga photographers diyan."
"Well, I was in a meeting this morning. Pretty hectic day, actually, mag-isa ako
kaya I took this opportunity for a break. Wala si Kuya kaya mas lalo akong
nahirapan kanina."
"How about your cousins?" tanong ko habang umuupo sa high chair at tinitingnan ang
mukha ko sa salamin.
"Nah. It sucks to be the youngest of the Lopezes. Lalo pa dahil ako na lang ang
wala pang asawa. They always have their excuses. My husband wants me around. My
wife is pregnant. Etcetera..." she ranted and rolled her eyes.
Binaba ko ang salaming hawak at hinarap na si Phillie. We got interrupted by the
staff.
"Sorry, Ma'am, I was asked by Mrs Tamara if Miss Lopez wants anything for the
break?"
"Kahit ano," sagot ni Phillie sa staff.
"Chicken garden salad na lang din, please. She's not picky with food," ako para mas
specific at hindi na mahirapan ang staff.
"Ranch dressing din po?" tanong ng staff.
"Yeah. Orange juice na rin just like mine, please."
"Okay po."
"Thanks!"
Umalis ang staff at nagpatuloy na kami sa pag-uusap ng kaibigan. After a few
minutes, though, is another batch of shots so I left Phillie. Pinanood niya na lang
ako sa ginagawa habang binibiro siya ni Tamara na mag modelo na rin.
"Ang dami ko nang ginagawa, isasali ko pa 'to?" she said boldly.
Sumali rin ang photographer sa pag eencourage.
"You can make it as your past time, Ma'am. Maraming ganyan na modelo. May work na
full time."
"Naku! Baka 'di ako makapag-asawa!" Phillie laughed histerically. "Goal ko 'yon,
Sir. Mahirap na. Itong bestfriend ko, ikakasal na. Lahat ng kilala ko ikakasal na
yata. Napag iiwanan na ako!"
Everyone laughed. She got a way with everyone. They all convinced her that she's
too young to be pressured. I know Phillie, though, she's just saying that for the
laughs. She doesn't mean it. I even have a feeling that she's scared of commitment.
She didn't like her serious ex boyfriend for being too "serious". Ibig ba noong
sabihin gusto niya ng katuwaan muna?
For the final break, I started removing my make up. Nasa high chair na kaming
pareho at pinapatuloy na ang kuwentuhan.
"Sa lalong madaling panahon dapat, ha?"
"I don't know with Mom. I hope I can convince her. Gusto kasi ni Jax na sa lalong
madaling panahon nga pero baka gusto ni Mommy magtake ng time ang planning."
"But for sure Tita Marem can pull a grand wedding off with a little time! Under
pressure! 'Tsaka, hindi ka ba magdedesisyon sa bagay na 'yan? It's a personal thing
pero ibinibigay mo ang desisyon sa Mommy mo."
Tipid akong ngumiti sa kaibigan. "Ang importante lang naman sa akin ay 'yong
mismong ceremony. Other details are just secondary and I trust my Mom. Isa pa... I
want that wedding to have a touch of her. After all, kahit ayaw kong aminin, may
malaking role siya sa lahat ng nangyari."
"Sa bagay. Wala akong reklamo sa taste niya kaya good decision," si Phillie.
Magpapatuloy sana kami sa pag-uusap pero dumating ang staff para ilatag ang pagkain
na dala. I opened mine since gutom na ako.
"So... later... saan kayo? Don't worry, I won't lurk around. I'm just thinking if
Tita Marem will want the Riegos to go to Nikolai's penthouse."
"It shocked me that Mommy didn't want that, actually. Ayos lang iyon kay Jax kaso I
think he's keen on winning Mom's approval too much that he booked for Mom's
favorite grand restaurant. Hinayaan ko na lang."
Walang reaksyon si Phillie. She was opening her own food and when I thought she was
about to say something, she didn't. In fact, namumutla pa nga siya at may kakaibang
ekspresyon sa mukha.
"Are you alright?"
Kumain na ako sa sariling salad. While chewing on my food, I saw her close hers
with a sour expression. Tumigil ako sa pagkain at inisip ng mabuti ang mga pagkaing
gusto niya. I know for sure that she doesn't hate chicken salad or the orange juice
so why is her reaction like this?
"Philomena."
"Wait lang," she held out her hand to stop me from coming near her.
Natutop niya ang bibig hanggang sa dumuwal siya. She opened her bloodshot and
tearful eyes, and then tried to strain an effort not to vomit. Tumakbo na rin siya
habang dinadaluhan ko at itinuturo ang powderroom sa lugar na iyon.
"Anong nangyari? Amber? Philomena?" Miss Tamara asked when she saw us hurrying to
the powder room.
Hindi ko masagot sa pagmamadali. Basta't sinamahan ko na lang ang kaibigan ko roon.
Hinawakan ang kanyang buhok habang nagsusuka. I had to look away because the sound
of her vomitting was too much to bear. I don't think I can resume eating. Kahit pa
hindi ko tiningnang mabuti ang pagsusuka niya.
"Oh shit! Sorry!" si Phillie habang nagsusuka.
Tumuwid siya sa pagkakatayo kaya mabilis ko siyang binitiwan. Kumuha ako ng tissue
at mabilis siyang binigyan. She was very red and her eyes were watery. Hindi naman
siya mukhang may sakit pero dinama ko pa rin ang noo niya at ang leeg. Hinayaan
niya ako dahil abala siya sa pagpupunas sa mukha at pag-aayos sa sarili.
"May sakit ka ba?"
Pagkabitiw ko sa tanong na iyon, lumipad ang isipan ko sa isa pang dahilan kung
bakit nagsusuka ang isang babaeng wala namang sakit. Pregnancy can do that to you.
I remember the first time I vomitted out of nowhere because of a specific smell. I
was pregnant that time.
"W-Wala."
"Kung ganoon..."
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko para sa kaibigan. Nagkatinginan kaming
dalawa at ilang segundo lang ang lumipas, tumulo na ang luha sa kanyang mga mata. I
knew then what it was all about. Hindi ko na kailangang magtanong para kumpirmahin
ang isang bagay.
"S-Sino, Phillie? Ba't wala kang kuwento sa akin? Boyfriend?"
She shook her head. "Hindi pa naman tayo sigurado."
Mas lalo lang akong nakasiguro dahil sa sagot niyang iyon!
"May boyfriend ka? Ngayon?"
"Wala, Amber. Malalaman mo 'yon, kapag meron. Maybe I'll just buy a test and see if
it's..." she shrugged.
"Are you serious? I can't believe this. Fuck buddy ba? Sino 'yan?"
Sa dumi ng utak ko at siguro sa panic na rin, hindi ko na nakayanan ang reaksyon
ko.
"Si Harper ba? Si Harper, Phillie?"
Her eyes widened at my sudden conclusion. "Of course, not, Amber! Come on! May
girlfriend 'yong tao." She laughed fakely. "Hindi pa natin alam, okay? I'll get a
test and..." nagpatuloy siya sa sulusyon niya at sinapo ko na lang ang noo ko.
Alam kong dapat suportahan ko na lang siya pero hindi ko naiwasan ang bayolenteng
reaksyon. She doesn't have a boyfriend but she's saying that her being pregnant is
possible. Ibig lang sabihin noon, may naka one-night stand siya o may fuck buddy
siguro. I don't judge the way she lives her life. But then I know her... Si Harper
lang ang lalaking malapit sa kanya recently! Nagkukuwento rin siya kung sakaling
may lalaki siyang kinababaliwan o na meet! Si Harper lang talaga ang alam ko!
Gulong-gulo na ako. Mas gulo pa ang utak ko sa kaibigan. Ako pa ang mas namroblema.
Siguro dahil alam ko ang pakiramdam ng biglaang nabuntis. Iyong hindi planado.
"Calm down, Amber! I feel like you'd kill me with the way you look at me."
"I'm sorry but I'm stressed out for you. I can't believe this."
"Hindi pa kumpirmado."
Tumango ako at bumuntong-hininga. "Yeah. Hindi pa kumpirmado. Sige. Sige...
magpapabili tayo ng pregnancy test. O ako na ang bibili. Magpahinga ka muna. Halika
magpahinga ka sa backstage ko. May couch doon."
She nodded and agreed. Baka nga talagang sobrang sama ng pakiramdam niya.
So for the whole afternoon, iyon ang pinagkaabalahan ko. Patuloy pa ang paghihingi
ng sorry niya dahil sa nangyari. Miss Tamara Lopez was with us and she was also
shocked with it.
"Ayoko na lang munang may makaalam, please? I'll sort everything out kaya please,
keep this a secret," aniya kay Miss Tamara.
Matalim kong tinitigan ang kaibigan ko. Alam kong may pagkakatulad ang naging
sitwasyon namin pero sinabi ko pa rin kay Jaxon ang kalagayan ko noon! I encouraged
her to do that, lalo na noong nakaubos kami ng limang iba't-ibang uri ng pregnancy
test at iisa ang resulta.
I wanted to be with her even with the coming big thing later but she assured me
she'd be fine. Kaya naman binantaan ko siya na kapag natapos ang araw kong iyon,
siya naman ang aasikasuhin ko and I mean it. Even with her strong facade, I always
know that that situation is hard.
Iyon tuloy ang laman ng isipan ko. Nawala nga lang agad dahil may haharapin din
pala akong matinding pangyayari kinagabihan.
Umuwi muna kami ni Jaxon at Jacques para magbihis. The dinner will be at seven and
the food were preordered kaya ayos lang. Ang magiging naroon sa pamamanhikan nila
ay si Tito Achilles, Snow, Sibal, at Archer. However, Jaxon suggested that his
cousins may come and sit on another table kung sakaling may maselang pag-uusapan
para sa mga bata. They will sit with their Titos and not with us. Yes, we prepared
for that in case Mommy will do a sudden outburst.
The Riegos were extremely early. Hindi ko alam anong oras na silang naroon pero
tingin ko, nagtagal nga sila. They booked another private table na malayo sa mas
pribadong kinuha ni Jaxon para sa amin.
Tuwang tuwa naman si Jacques. He's more willing to be with his Titos. Bukod kasi sa
andyan ang mga pinsan, nalilibang din siya kay Radleigh, Raoul, at Vincent.
"Hi!" Snow said merrily after my few greetings to the women on the far table.
"Pasensya na, natagalan. Galing pa kaming trabaho ni Jaxon," sabi ko.
"No, you're just on time," anito.
I greeted Sibal and Tito Achilles as well. I complimented their looks and the
served food in front of us. Pagkatapos ng iilang bati, naupo na rin kami ni Jaxon.
Not content with the distance of our chairs, he moved it to be closer to me.
Uminit ang pisngi ko lalo na nang nakita kong nakatingin ang tatlo sa amin. Snow
was smirking, Sibal was so attentive, and Tito Achilles can't help but watch
Jaxon's movements.
"So... kailan kayo nagdecide na talagang magpakasal na? I wanna hear it while
waiting for Tita Marem."
"Kagabi, Snow," sagot ko.
Tumaas ang isang kilay ng pinsan. "For Jacques?" it was a follow up question na
agad pinigilan ni Sibal.
Snow's husband, my soon to be brother in law, moved closer to his wife to say
something. Si Tito Achilles man ay tumuwid sa pagkakaupo at inayos ang coat.
"Surely, it's not because of Jacques, Snow. Panghabang buhay ang desisyon na iyan.
Hindi ka puwedeng magpakasal para sa anak," mariing tugon ni Sibal.
Snow pouted at her husband.
"Tama si Sibal, Snow," si Tito Achilles.
"I want to marry Amber because I love her, Snow," Jaxon said as his hand moved
behind my chair.
"I can see that, Jax. Just checking if my cousin loves you equally," she chuckled.
Jaxon then looked at me with a little sharpness. I only gave him a mocking smile.
Nararamdaman kong nag-aantay siya sa sasabihin ko kay Snow pero nang wala akong
sinabi, siya na mismo ang nagsalita para sa akin.
"She's in love with me, too. She told me that," aniya na para bang pinaparatangan
siyang hindi naman totoo ang mga sinasabi niya.
I smiled. I rested my hand on his thigh and moved closer to him. Nakita ko ang
pagsunod niya sa kamay ko, pati na rin ang mangha sa itsura nang tumitig siya sa
akin.
"I'll marry for love, Snow. Don't worry about it," sabi ko.
Snow smirked more, nanatili ang tingin kay Jaxon na ngayon ay bumubulong at
humahalik na sa tainga ko.
"I love you more. I'm in love with you..."
I glanced at him with a grin. Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. Kung siguro'y hindi lang
naagaw ang atensyon ng dumating, baka naligo na nga ng kantyaw si Jaxon sa kay Snow
at Sibal.
Tito Achilles stood up snappily. Marahang sumunod si Sibal sa ama, ganoon na rin si
Jaxon.
"Oh, si Tita..." si Snow sabay lapit sa paparating.
I sighed and went to my Mom as well.
Maria Emilia Galvez-Sevilla's grand entrance made even the waiter and waitresses
stop on their tracks. She isn't even trying hard when she entered the exclusive
restaurant. Isang all black na suit and slacks ang suot ni Mommy. Nakatago ang
kurba ng katawan to the point of elegance.
"Good evening, Mom," sabi ko nang nakalapit at nakapagbeso.
Si Jaxon nasa likod ko, binabati na rin si Mommy ng magandang gabi.
Mom's dark hair is in a shiny frency twist, her stilletos were black and sexy, her
Hermes was black, as well. She's all black today, only accented with gold jewelry.
She looked simpler than usual but I guess, binagay niya sa okasyon. Her grand
parties deserve her grand designer dresses and this simple but elegant dinner for
tonight will go well with her timeless attire.
Lumapit si Jacques at Archer, assisted by Ate Nelia. Naintindihan naman agad ng
dalawa na pagkatapos batiin ang lola, kailangan na nilang bumalik sa kanilang
lamesa.
Assisted by the waiter, naupo si Mommy sa kabilang kabisera. Katabi niya kami ni
Snow samantalang si Sibal at Jaxon naman ang katabi ng nasa kabiserang si Tito
Achilles.
It was a long, long silence for all of us. Lalo na dahil may special requests si
Mommy sa inumin niya sa waiter kaya naghintay muna kami hanggang sa matapos iyon.
Nang natapos siya, si Jaxon naman ang naunang nagsalita sa aming lahat.
"Tita Marem, I'm here with my family to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."
Kinabahan ako roon. Alam kong alam na ni Mommy. Alam ko ring tanggap niya na iyon
pero nasisiguro kong hindi iyon sapat para hindi siya biglaang magsalita ng kung
anu-ano.
"Skip the formalities, Jaxon," Mommy said cooly. "You asked me that on the phone
and I answered you properly. Ang pamamanhikang ito ay para lang mapunan ang
kagustuhan mo at ng pamilya mong sundin ang mga tradisyong nakasanayan. I'm here to
honor your values, support my daughter and my grandson, that's all."
"Salamat po sa pagpapaunlak. It's a great step for us, as a couple, to have your
approval."
Ngumiti ako nang nagkatinginan kami ni Jaxon. The champagne started pouring and it
was Mommy who broke the deafening silence.
"Let's just enjoy the dinner since I haven't dined here for the past few...
days..." Mommy eyed me.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Alam ko ang ibig niyang sabihin pero wala namang diin ang
sinabi niya. In fact, I felt like it was a playful mockery.
"Tita, you will be able to dine at fine restaurants once you assume my post in the
main branch," magaang sinabi ni Snow habang nagsisimula na kaming kumain.
"I highly doubt that. I will earn but I will abandon the society for the salty
scent of the beach. Walang ganito roon, Snow. But anyway, The Coast's menu is
always way better."
Magaan si Mommy ngayon. I appreciate her civility towards this. Importante sa amin
ito ni Jaxon. Samantalang, tahimik naman si Tito Achilles sa tapat niya. In fact,
he's too formal and a bit tensed now that if I compare him to my Mom.
"Mom, you will help me, right? Balak ko pong sa Costa Leona ikasal. Napag-usapan na
namin ni Jax," sabi ko sa kalagitnaan ng pagkain.
"That's easy. Kailan n'yo ba plano?" si Mommy.
"Sa lalong madaling panahon po. We'll contact the chosen events organizer tomorrow.
By the end of this week, pagkatapos ng trabaho ni Amber, baka po umuwi kami ng
Costa Leona in preparation for the wedding."
Tumango si Mommy. Snow is giggling at binubulung-bulungan lang ng nangingiting
Sibal. Uminom si Mommy ng champagne habang pinapansin ang tawanan ng dalawa ngunit
binalik din ang tingin kay Jaxon.
Tingin ko naririnig ni Mommy ang kung ano man ang pinagbubulungan ng dalawa kaya
hindi niya na naiwasan.
"Nagmamadali ka pala, Jaxon," Mommy smirked mischievously.
Kinabahan naman ako roon pero nang tingnan ko si Jax, he wasn't nervous or what.
Instead, he raised a brow and gave out an evil smile. Kumunot ang noo ko at
bahagyang kinurot ang hita niya. Nagmamadali nga talaga yata siya!
"Pinipikot mo," hindi na napigilan ni Sibal kaya tumawa na sila ng kanyang asawa,
sumama pa si Jaxon.
Mom laughed with them softly, too. Ako naman, abala na masyado sa paninitig at pag-
aabang ng sagot kay Jaxon.
"Obviously, pinadali lang yata lalo ang plano niya nang nalaman na may anak kayo.
He pursued you even before he knew Jacques, right?" si Snow sa akin.
Tumawa na rin ako. "Yeah."
"Alam nitong may anak ka na, e. He even thinks you're better off with him that
another man so he plans on getting you back. And make Jacques his own!"
"Tama na, Snow..." si Jaxon na natatawa pa rin naman.
Mas lalong humagalpak ang mag-asawa. I know what she's saying and looking back at
it now, natanto kong mahirap na desisyon iyon sa parte niya. I don't think I can do
that if I were him. I'm not sure.
Si Mommy tuloy ang nagulat sa narinig galing kay Snow. She looked at me and Jaxon
in a softer way now until she smiled. Tumuwid siya sa pagkakaupo at muling uminom
ng champagne.
"I can only imagine his relief when you said yes to his proposal. Kaya sinasabi
kong pinipikot at nagmamadali nga!"
"That means you're not really marrying each other for Jacques, huh?" si Mommy.
"Opo. I'm marrying Amber because I love her. That's all."
Wala sa sariling tumango si Mommy.
"That's nice to hear, Jaxon. Madalas kong naiisip at pangamba iyan para sa anak ko.
Although I know it's wrong to marry just for the child, I always thought that it
would be better for her to have someone... better for Jacques to have a father
figure. Kaya masaya ako na ang desisyon na ito ay galing sa inyong dalawa at hindi
para lang sa anak ninyo. In the future, when you two grow old, you'd never regret a
decision that's made under no pressure..." she stopped right there and glanced in
front.
Kumunot ang noo ko. Napainom si Snow ng tubig at si Sibal naman, umayos sa
pagkakaupo. Jax glanced at his father. Nakita ko tuloy na titig na titig si Tito
Achilles kay Mommy.
Mommy cleared her throat. Ano kayang meron sa sinabi ni Mommy at parang masasamid
siyang ipagpatuloy iyon?
"But I don't judge anyone who will do the hard work alone for his children. Walang
kapantay ang pagmamahal ng mga magulang sa kanilang anak kaya kayang-kayang
itaguyod iyon ng ninoman, mag-isa, kung pipiliin niya. In the end, to each his
own," dagdag ni Mommy.
"Right, Tita. Though, I would always understand if a single parent will choose to
find love and support from a partner at the same time. Puwede naman po 'yon, hindi
ba?" si Snow.
Tumango si Mommy kay Snow.
Muli kong nabalikan ang lahat ng kasinungalingan sa nagdaang taon dahil sa sinabi
ni Mommy. For some reason, I got reminded by how she fooled everyone on this table
that I married Nikolai. Alam ko ring naiisip niya iyon ngayon. Malalim ang tingin
niya sa sariling champagne. Tahimik din ang lahat.
"Si Tito Achilles nga nakaya namang palakihin si Jaxon at Sibal ng mag-isa. Single
parenting is possible for people, Snow. As long as you work hard, have the
patience, and willingness to do it. Hindi po ba, Tito?" I said to stop whatever
tension is on the air.
Nasamid si Snow sa kinakain niya. Sibal coughed fakely and caressed his wife's
back. Nagulat ako roon, nagtagal ang tingin sa pinsan. Jaxon's hand caressed mine
softly and his nose on my ear.
"Oh no, baby, your mouth..." he whispered.
"Huh?" Nagtaas ako ng kilay kay Jaxon dahil sa kalituhan.
"You're right, Amber. Kaya iyon, depende sa kagustuhan mong alagaan ang anak mong
mag-isa."
"I think I can raise Jacques alone, too, Tito. I'm willing, but Jaxon is who I love
and I think my heart will be better when I'm with him. Hindi ko po maipagkakaila na
ang masaya kong puso ay mas makakatulong sa pagpapalaki ko mas maayos sa anak ko.
Mas lalo pa po dahil anak namin ni Jaxon si Jacques at mahal na mahal din siya
nito. It all just fell into place and I'm lucky for that."
Nanatili akong lito sa ngisi ni Jaxon lalo na nang matapos kong sabihin iyon.
"Masaya ako sa desisyon ninyong dalawa. Para sa inyong sarili at para sa inyong
anak. Mahirap magpalaking mag-isa ng anak, Amber."
Nagulat ako sa panghuling sinabi ni Tito Achilles. He raised the two Riegos
amazingly. Both are succussful and from the gutter. That's something, alright!
"If you had a chance to share the burden, Tito, do you think you'd take it? Remarry
for your children?"
Dumiin lalo akong hawak ni Jaxon sa akin.
"Amber..." seryosong tawag ni Snow sa akin kaya napabaling ako sa pinsan.
Sibal looked at my Mom with sharp eyes so I did the same. Yumuko si Mommy at
inabala ang sarili sa pagkaing nasa harap.
"Why?" I whispered at Jax but he didn't say anything.
"I won't," mariing sinabi ni Tito Achilles sabay tingin sa kay Sibal, Snow,
pagkatapos kay Jaxon, at sa akin. "Hindi ko pa rin gagawin iyon."
The deafening silence stretched this time. I feel so obliged to talk because I hate
the tension.
"Kahit mahal mo, po? Sorry for the questions. I'm just a little curious."
Tito Achilles nodded. "Kahit mahal ko."
"Enough of it, baby," Jax whispered so softly.
"Ohh..." tumango-tango ako pero hindi natatanggal sa isipan ko ang reaksyon ng
lahat.
Tumigil na ako sa pagtatanong dahil napapansin kong may problema si Snow, Sibal, at
Jaxon sa mga sinasabi ko. It's like there's something about it. Nang tingnan ko si
Mommy, nahuli ko siyang nag pupunas na ng bibig at mukhang patapos na sa panghuling
course.
Tumuwid siya sa pagkakaupo.
"I would also like to take this opportunity t-to..." nanginig ang boses niya. "Say
my apologies to all the lies I purposely spread out. I never claimed to be a
perfect mother but somehow, under those circumstances, I feel like all of what I've
done was the perfect decisions to make. Hindi ko na siguro kailangang isa-isahin
ang nagawa ko dahil sa ngayon, alam na ninyo kung anu-ano ang mga iyon. I'm glad
that despite what I did, your love endured, Amber, Jaxon. Now the only thing I can
do is to support you in everything. It will be my pleasure."
Ngumiti ako at inabot ang kamay ni Mommy. Snow did the same, too.
"I accept you, Jaxon Riego, as my son in law. Please take care of my daughter and
my beloved grandson. As I say, I'm not the perfect mother, but you can always count
on me if you have problems. I'll try my best to advise you better."
"Thank you, po," si Jax. "I will definitely take care of my family and I'd like to
think you are part of it."
Mommy smiled. Tears pooled in her eyes. Kumalas ako kay Jax at tumayo para daluhan
si Mommy. Snow pulled her chair towards my Mom, too. However, my strong Mom stood
up and marked everything with finality.
"I came here to spend time with you, say my apologies, and to let you know that I
am happy for my daughter."
Jacques ran towards us. Tinawag siya ng mga Tito ngunit hindi siya nakinig. Tumayo
tuloy ang mga Riego sa kabilang lamesa para sundan ito. My son hugged Mommy's
thight. Mom smiled and sat back down on her chair to stroke Jacques hair.
"Lola! You're leaving! I know you are! I've been watching you!"
Mom let out an elegant laugh. "Yes, Jacques. The dinner is over. It's time for your
parents to have fun and catch up with their cousins, your Titos and Titas."
"Tita, you can stay," si Snow.
"Actually, Snow, I may be broke but I'm still invited to social events. I have an
event in Manila Club."
Umiling si Snow at ngumiti. Tumayo siya at lumapit kay Mommy para humalik sa
pisngi. "Car?"
"She has one," si Jaxon. "With a driver."
Tumawa si Snow. "Spoiled."
"Jacques, may lakad daw ang Lola mo," sabi ko.
Sumimangot ang anak ko habang tinitingnan si Mommy.
"Don't worry. Your father said you'll visit Costa Leona soon. We'll see each other
there."
"Really?"
"Yes."
Mommy pulled Archer closer for a tender kiss. Ganoon din ang binigay niya kay
Jacques bago tumayo at hinalikan ako.
"Enjoy the rest of the evening," she said and caressed my face.
Tinitigan niya ako ng ilang sandali bago siya ngumiti at naglakad na. She tapped
Jaxon's shoulder at nagpatuloy na. Nakatayo na pala si Tito Achilles, nakatingin sa
kanya. Nilagpasan lamang ito ni Mommy at nagpatuloy ito sa paglalakad patungo sa
lobby.
We all stayed standing as we watched my Mom make her way towards the lobby and
then to the lift. I sighed and smiled at Jaxon. Nag-usap na si Sibal at Raoul.
Gumaan na rin ang pakiramdam ng lahat dahil sa batian pero naagaw ang tingin ko
nang natigilan si Snow sa kakatitig sa kay Mommy. Binalik ko ang tingin doon at
naabutan kong palabas na rin si Tito Achilles sa restaurant.
Tito Achilles was walking so fast. Hindi kita o alam ni Mommy iyon. Marahan ang
lakad niya papasok sa elevator at natanaw naming pasarado na ito nang dumating si
Tito sa harap.
It was a long night for all of us. The scenes were a blur to me when we got home.
Pagod na pagod kaming lahat sa tawanan at konting pormal na party. It was such a
pleasure for all of us, even to Jacques and Archer who both agreed to go for a
sleepover in our home that night. Jaxon had to move my shoot in the afternoon dahil
pupunta sina Snow at Sibal umaga bukas para kunin ang anak sa amin.
A warm scented bath on our jacuzzi ended my night. A warm bath with my Jaxon Riego
behind me again. Mukhang nagiging hobby na, ah? Should check out my shots and make
sure to do it regularly now. I think it's better to stay with only Jacques for a
while. Kakikilala niya pa lang sa anak at mukhang ayaw niya ngang payagan mag sleep
over kina Snow, e. Pati bukas sa trabaho niya, isasama niya pa rin. Sa lahat yata
ng lalakarin niya, isasama niya ang anak. That's how crazy he is for his son. I'm
not complaining, though.
"Kumusta na ba ang Costa Leona?"
"I don't know," sagot niya agad.
Ngumuso ako. "Wala kang balita?"
"Hindi na ako umuwi simula noong umalis ako roon."
"T-Talaga?" nagulat ako roon sabay baling sa kanya.
He lazily caressed my thigh. The soreness of my femininity is reacting to his touch
now, like a slave to his master. Napatingin tuloy ako sa tubig na puno ng bubbles
ngayon.
"It will only remind me of us so... I didn't want to go home."
I sighed at the thought.
"I guess the only thing that would make me visit it is if I think about my
daughter."
"Daughter..." I echoed his words. "You think our lost child is a girl, huh?"
"I don't know but if I think of her, she takes your form. A soft beautiful baby
so..."
I smiled. "You buried her?"
"Yeah."
"Bibisitahin natin, kasama si Jacques, pag uwi."
Tumango lang siya at hinalikan ang balikat ko.
"Kaya ba... wala ka ring balita kay Rowena, kasi hindi ka na umuwi?" I inquired
slowly.
Hindi niya sinagot agad iyon. He stiffened for a while and after his long exhale,
he relaxed.
"We lost a child, Amber. How will I ever think of Rowena... or any other girl for
that matter, after that?"
Nagulat ako ng bahagya roon. Hindi ako nagsalita.
"I lost a daughter from the only woman I love. How could I even get myself to love
anyone else... again?" he said sharply and angrily.
Bumuntong-hininga ako at mas lalong humilig sa kanya. Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit.
For a long while, it was only our breathing that made noise in the bathroom.
While here I am thinking that he was just a mere sunburn to me - a burn that's so
shallow to even leave a mark. Now I realized that I wasn't shallow to him. Our
history wasn't a mere sunburn to his heart. I was the death of his hope. I was the
end of him.
Parang kinukurot ang puso ko sa naisip. Hinarap ko siya. His dark soulful eyes
looked at me like I hold his heart. Maybe, I did. I am his heart, after all.
I gave him a soft longing kiss. Nang tumigil ako para titigang muli siya, ngumiti
ako.
"But you're here... in love with me again."
"I didn't fall out," he said. "I remained in love."
"Yes, but you're still capable to love, Jax. Even after what happened to us."
"Because it's you..." he whispered and pulled me for another long sensual kiss.

[ 43 Wakas ]
-------------------------------

Ito po ang wasak... I mean wakas. Thank you for being with me on this journey of
grief, sorrow, and love. This is the epilogue/end of this story.

---

Wakas
"Bakit, Engineer? May problema ba?" tanong ng cashier sa akin pagkatapos akong
mabigyan ng cheke.
Hindi pa papasok sa bank account ang suweldo ng mga bagong empleyadong tulad ko.
Idinadaan sa cheke iyon. Alam ko na rin kung magkano ang kikitain ko pero naisip
kong sana malaki-laki ang ibibigay. Though, it wasn't hard to process, this is only
my first week, but I had hoped too much that it's going to be bigger than this.
"May pamilya ka na ba? Anak? Na binubuhay, I mean..." the woman-cashier asked when
she noticed the way I stared on my check.
Ngumiti ako at umiling. "Wala naman. Salamat dito."
Aalis na sana ako pero bigla niya akong muling tinawag.
"Teka lang! O gusto mong mag advance pa? Kulang ba? Malaki naman ang suweldo n'yo
pero kung kukunin ng linggo-linggo, medyo maliit talagang tingnan."
Ngayon ko lang natitigan ng mabuti ang cashier na nagbigay sa akin noon. She smiled
sweetly at me and licked her lower lip. The provocative gleam in her eyes isn't new
to me. As it's not rare to see a girl looking at me like that, kahit sa Costa
Leona, o rito man sa Maynila.
Lagi kong iniisip na ang mali ni Kuya Sibal ay masyado siyang seryoso sa mga babae.
When he met Snow Galvez and he fell in love, I knew then it was his destruction,
and I was right. He was very much like father who was serious in all things, valued
values, and honor, too much. For me it's almost martyrdom and saintly to live like
that kaya naman, hinding hindi ko gagayahin. I will value all those things but I
won't choose it over a better and easier life.
Sa eskwelahan, kung puro ka aral at walang diskarte, hindi ka mapupunta sa tuktok.
Sa pangingisda, kung hindi ka madiskarte at 'di mo uunahan ang iba, walang matitira
para sa'yo. Sa babae, kung puro puso at walang utak, ikaw ang lolokohin.
But today, I realized that I'm all the same with my brother and my father.
Imbis na umuwi ako ng diretso, hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. I'm in Raoul
Riego's office after my long day in the refinery's office. Nag-antay pa ako ng
isang oras dahil nasa meeting siya kanina, ngayong nasa harap na, tinititigan niya
lang ako habang nagsasalin ng whiskey sa baso. Radleigh, when he heard that I was
here, immediately went with his cousin's office so he's also here.
Raoul pushed the glass of whiskey towards me and then he raised his before
drinking. Naupo siya pagkatapos at ngumisi. Si Radleigh, nasa sofa sa malayo,
nakatingin sa amin habang umiinom na rin ng sarili niyang whiskey.
"Bakit mo pa kailangan ng trabaho? You landed on a fine job. That line could go all
the way up to a director if you concentrate on that. Inayawan mo pa 'yong offer ko
sa'yo sa Riegosteel dito tapos gusto mo naman ngayon ng labor work?"
"Wala naman akong ginagawa sa gabi kaya naisipan kong magtrabaho na lang nga sa
construction. Hindi ba pareho naman kayong ganoon ang pinagdaanan ni Radleigh?" I
asked him.
"We were both there to experience and to feel what it's like to be the employees of
our company. Yes, para na rin tustusan ang sarili namin. Pero ikaw ba, ganoon ang
gusto o baka may babaeng involved dito, Jaxon?"
Hindi ako nagsalita.
"You know you have a share in the family's-"
"I don't want to touch that, Raoul. I'll make my own money," mariin kong sinabi.
Raoul chuckled evilly at my words. Sa huli, umiling siya.
"It runs in the blood. Ilang taon ba itong girlfriend mo at Galvez na naman ba?"
Unti-unting umapaw ang iritasyon ko sa mga panunuya niya. Kung hindi lang ito
nakatatanda sa akin, kanina ko pa inasar sa mga alam ko sa buhay niya. Particularly
his girl. Hindi na nga lang ako pumatol pa dahil mabilis niyang sinundan ang
sinabi.
"You know the modern women today likes texting. If you get this job, you'll forget
to text her and she'll eventually dislike you for that."
"Kung hindi niya maiintindihan na nagtatrabaho ako kaya ako abala, hindi siya para
sa akin, kung ganoon."
Raoul smirked again.
"Kung ako hihiwalayan dahil busy ako sa trabaho, I'll ditch that work to be with my
girl," Radleigh lazily said that in the background kaya napatingin ako.
Bakit ako maniniwala sa dalawang ito? Pareho naman silang hindi pinalad sa mga
babae nila, ah? But like I said, they are both older than me so I shouldn't
interrupt their ideas.
"If you both just didn't leave the Casa for your home when you were young, hindi mo
na sana nakikita 'yang pamilya ng kinababaliwan n'yo ng kapatid mo... at ni Tito
Achilles din pala," si Raoul habang may pinipirmahang papel sa harap ko.
Lumapit na pala si Radleigh sa lamesa at nagsalin na ulit ng whiskey sa kanyang
baso.
"I can say that to you, Raj, in a different context," he warned him.
Raoul glared at his cousin sharply.
"Father thinks-" I interrupted but I got cut off by Raoul.
"Tito Achilles is a Riego. Lola Leona is the daughter of our greatgrandfather,
kahit pa ayaw tanggapin. Matagal nang tanggap ni Lolo iyon."
"Alam ni Papa iyon. Gusto niya lang talagang matuto kaming mamuhay ng simple at
gumawa ng sariling pangalan kalaunan."
"That could be one. O baka gaya ng pang-aasar ni Papa sa kanya na gusto niya lang
talaga roon dahil malapit sa... alam mo na."
Tumikhim ako. "Hindi naman siguro. 'Tsaka... may asawa 'yong tao, Radleigh."
"Well... enough of your musings, Raoul. Give him the damn job to him. Huwag mo lang
kalimutan ang payo ko, ha?"
"Hindi naman siguro mangyayari iyon," I laughed a bit.
Raoul pointed at his cousin. "Let's bet?"
I am completely just like all of them. That's what I realized.
Nagtiim-bagang ako habang nagpapahinga. Nakaupo sa pinagpatong-patong na bakal na
gagamitin sa pagtatayo ng susunod na palapag ng matayog na toreng ito. Tanaw ang
kalakhan ng syudad at ang lamig ng ihip ng hangin ay mas lalong nagpalamig sa aking
damdamin pagkatapos basahin ang mensahe ni Amber.
Amber:
Hindi ka na nga umuwi, hindi ka pa nagrereply! Tulog na nga lang ako! Para akong
walang boyfriend.
Dahan-dahan akong nagtipa. Days ago, I won't even go to more rational reasons but
tonight, I let myself go. Maybe she's too young for me, she wouldn't understand
what it's like. Or she's too rich for me, she doesn't know what it's like to be
short of money.
I sighed and regret thinking that way. of course, she is young and also very rich.
Bago pa ang taong ito, alam ko na 'yon.
Ako:
I'm sorry. Sasagutan ko ang mga numero na hindi mo nakuha. Isesend ko ngayon.
Please, reply if you're still awake. I miss you.
Naaalala ko noong una akong binalaan ni Papa sa kay Amber. Dinudumog kami ng
taumbayan sa baybayin dahil sa dami at presko naming huli galing sa pangingisda.
Tanaw galing sa kinaroroonan namin ang masyon ng mga Galvez.
Hindi sinasadyang napadpad ang mga mata ko roon. I saw a tall girl with a long
hair. She was watching us with those angelic eyes. Dagdagan pa ang puting bestida
at mala-gatas na kutis, para siyang anghel. Sa gitna ng maraming taong nagtatanong
kung magkano ang benta namin sa mga isda, nanatili ang mga mata ko sa babae.
She looked young but because of her height, I can almost tell that her age wasn't
that far from mine. May just two years younger? Or three? Nilapitan siya ng
unipormadong kasambahay at may sinabi rito. She smiled at the woman and politely
nodded at something. After that, her eyes went back to us... then to me.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako kinabahan. Sa kaba kong iyon, pilit kong inalis ang
tingin ko sa kanya at inignora na lang ang kanyang presensya. When I heard the
noise of the people in front of me, that's when I realized how different our life
was to the lives of the rich.
Sa ilalim ng init ng araw, pawisan kami at may suot lamang na maninipis na damit.
We fished all night that my t-shirt smells like the sea. Dagdagan pa ng kanina ko
pang dinadalang mga balde ng isda, we are nothing but a mess compared to those who
just woke up, looking fresh, and smelling like the morning dew. It made me bitter
but I couldn't help but look back at the girl. Palapit na ngayon.
Nagkatinginan kami. Mas lalo lang kumunot ang noo ko at nag-iwas ng tingin.
"Hi! Good morning!" she greeted.
Inilagan ng mga taong lumapit dahil sa pagkakakilanlan bilang isang Galvez. Because
she's now talking to me, inilagan na rin ako ng mga tanong at bumaling sa ibang
mangingisda.
"Anong oras kayong nangisda? Ang aga pa, ah?"
Hindi ako sumagot. Her sweet voice could almost fool anyone. Inabala ko ang sarili
ko sa ginagawang pagbabalot.
"Hindi mo pa rin ba ako papansinin?"
Wala akong kibo. I treated her like she's nothing but the wind. Nag-squat ako kaya
lumapit siya at yumuko. Hinawakan niya ang braso ko para makuha ang atensyon ko.
The way she touched me made jump a bit. Pagalit ko siyang natingnan sa iritasyon.
"I am just curious," napapaos niyang sinabi nang nakita ang reaksyon ko.
"Bumalik ka na roon sa inyo hindi ka nababagay rito," malamig kong sinabi.
Now that I talked to her somehow, she finds it positive. Akala niya kakausapin ko
nang talaga siya.
"Bakit naman? Ayos lang naman sa akin dito. Masaya akong nakakasalamuha ng maraming
tao, 'tsaka-"
"Huwag kang makulit! Ayokong makipag-usap. Umuwi ka na roon," I cut her off with
gritted teeth.
My ruthlessness shocked her. Naestatwa siya ng ilang sandali. Nang bumaling ako sa
kanya, nahuli ko ang malulungkot niyang mga mata. Damn it! She looked like a
bruised little angel! Bakit ganoon? Sa pagkakaalam ko naman, maarte raw talaga ang
mga Galvez, ah?
Marahan siyang naglakad palayo, nakayuko. Nanlamig agad ako at natigil sa ginagawa.
I feel so guilty. Mas lalo pa nang nakitang may pinunasan siya sa kanyang mukha!
Umiiyak siya? Nasa gitna na ako ng pagtakbo at pagtawag sa kanya para tingnan kung
mas'yado ba akong naging marahas nang nagsalita si Papa.
"Anak ni Maria Emilia Galvez 'yan, Jaxon."
Yumuko ako at inabala ang sarili sa paglalagay ng mga isda sa mga supot, sabay
bigay sa bumibili. Hindi nga lang ako tinantanan ni Papa.
"Alam kong paulit-ulit na ako sa inyo ng kuya mo pero hindi ako magsasawa. 'Tsaka
n'yo na pangarapin ang mga Galvez kong may ibubuga na kayo sa buhay."
"Hindi ko pinapangarap 'yan, Papa. Tinaboy ko nga. Bata pa at isa pa... may
girlfriend ako."
Tumawa si Papa at ilang sandaling hindi nagsalita.
"Marami, 'di ba?"
I smirked at his accurate question. Nawala na sa isipan ko ang imahe ng anghel na
itinaboy ko kani-kanina lang.
"Tama. 'Tsaka hindi ka rin papasa r'yan kung babaero ka, Jaxon. Don't know if I'll
be relieved or be worried more."
That's when I decided to create their image on my mind. Sila ay mga matapobreng
mayaman, pare-parehong masama, maaarte, at walang dulot kundi gulo. It was safer
that way than conclude that that girl was kind and innocent.
When I met Snow I didn't have any interest with her at all but I knew my brother
liked her. When she left Costa Leona, all my prejudices of the Galvez family was
proved right. Mabait man si Snow sa akin, medyo maarte pa rin siya. At wala siyang
naidulot sa kuya ko kundi gulo but since she's a friend to me, I want to cut her
some slack and reconsider. For Snow. Hindi para sa ibang tao. Lalong hindi para sa
kay Amber, na anak mismo ni Maria Emilia. I'd like to imagine that she's all the
bad things the town painted her.
But then she really is this soft and innocent lady. Kahit halatang walang gustong
gawin ang mga tao rito kundi ang maghiganti, nagagawa niya pa ring maging mabait...
magtiwala.
I think it was because she proved my prejudices wrong or maybe because she's
beautiful, innocent, and kind at the same time, alin man sa mga iyon ang nagustuhan
ko. Little by little as I look around and see that I know girls who are the same,
pretty, nice, and kind, natanto kong hindi naman pala kakaiba ang mga katangian
niya.
Bakit hindi ko magustuhan ang ibang babae kung ganoon din naman sila?
"Jaxon, salamat nga pala sa pagbibigay mo ng email. Buti rin naibigay mo 'yong
guidelines. Malapit na akong makapasok!" si Rowena nang nagkita kami isang araw sa
opisina.
Naghihintay siya sa lobby. Abala ako buong umaga at nang lumabas ako para sana
kumain ng lunch, naabutan ko siya roon. We were good friends back in Costa Leona.
She's smart and also an honor student back in high school and college. Simula noong
kami na ni Amber, binawasan ko ang pakikipagkita sa kanya at sa iba naming kaklase.
Bukod sa gusto kong abalahin ang sarili sa pagtatrabaho, Amber is also a jealous
girlfriend.
I smirked at the thought.
Although, I liked that about her. Lagi ko kasi siyang nahuhuli sa mga nararamdaman
niya kapag nagseselos siya. Hindi niya kayang maglihim kapag nagseselos siya. Kaya
lang ayoko namang palagian lalo na ngayong malayo kaming dalawa. Mas mahirap kasi
iyon.
"Ganoon ba? Congrats!" bati ko sa kanya.
Rowena smiled shyly at me before giving me something. Napababa ang tingin ko roon
at nakita kong isang supot na galing sa isang fast food. Nagulat ako roon.
"Eto oh. Konting pasasalamat ko sa'yo. Nalaman ko rin kasi kay Tito Achilles na
nagtitipid ka raw ngayon kasi gusto mong bumisita ulit sa Costa. May isa ka pa raw
na trabaho pero hindi mo lang sinasabi."
Tumawa ako. "Salamat. Sana hindi ka na nag-abala. Si Papa talaga, sinabi niya pa
'yon?"
"Ano ka ba... concern din ako sa'yo, s'yempre, kaya nagtatanong tanong ako kung
kumusta ka. 'Tsaka, tinake out ko na 'to ha kasi alam ko kapag sinama kita sa
restaurant, hindi ka papayag na ako ang manlilibre."
I laughed again.
I met more girls who all seemed nice and kind kaya roon ko lalo nalaman kung ano
ang kaibahan ni Amber sa kanila. I'm really fucking unconditionally in love with
her!
She's so young. She doesn't no how to trust yet. She doesn't know how a mature
relationship works... pero ako rin naman. Hindi man ako kasing bata niya, wala rin
akong karanasan sa seryoso at pang matandang relasyon.
The first sign of her maturity was when she broke up with me. Doon ako
pinakanatakot.
"I am not deciding this while I am mad. I am completely fine. I am not crying, see?
Pinag-isipan ko na ito ng mabuti sa nagdaang araw. Ito ang nakikita kong tanging
sulusyon. So you could grow without a problem that will only pull you down."
Mura ang inabot ko sa sarili ko pagkatapos ng tawag na iyon! She handled me like a
grown woman! Her words were sharp, civil, and straight to the point! Walang
selosang dahilan at walang galit, katapusan lang!
She finally realized that she couldn't do Long Distance Relationships and to not be
a pain in my ass, she decided to break us up! It was like a decision of a fucking
grown woman and it scared me the most. Wala ako nang inisip niya itong mabuti.
Nandito ako no'n, nagtatrabaho. Wala ako nang nagbago ang isipan niya at nag mature
siya. Hinayaan ko siyang mag-isang pag-isipan ito.
Pareho kaming marami pang dapat matutunan pero bakit ko hinahayaang malayo ako?
It's a premature LDR! I can't leave her when our relationship is still new! I can't
leave her when she doesn't trust me that much yet! Hindi niya pa naiintindihan na
hindi ito laro para sa akin. Na nagtatrabaho ako rito hindi para sa aking sarili
lamang kundi para na rin sa kinabukasan naming dalawa kung sakaling kami nga sa
huli.
I can't work this all out when she's this way.
"Nabanggit ko kay Ares Riego ang offer kong ito, Jax. Sigurado ka ba rito?" my boss
asked.
He offered me a scholarship in an international school for a masters degree. It was
the turning point for me. He saw my potential and he was threatened because if he
didn't get me a scholarship, someone else from the board of directors will. Kaya
kahit na bago pa lang ako, inunahan niya na.
Scholarship sa Middle East at habang nag-aaral ako, I will monitor the main branch
of the oil refinery there. Sa araw na dapat malaman niya ang sagot ko, isinabay ko
ang resignation ko rin sa buong kompanya.
"This is the best offer I ever had for an employee, ever, Engineer Riego. Ngayon,
hindi lang ang pagtanggi sa scholarship ang gagawin mo. You're also resigning. Tell
me, did someone offer you a bigger opportunity?"
"Wala po, Engineer."
"Raoul Riego offered you a bigger job in Riegosteel?"
Umiling ako. "Even if he did, I will settle only for what I deserve for now. I have
no credentials yet."
"So you will be working with him? Alam ko namang malaking kompanya iyon pero ang
akala ko ba rito ka sa kompanya ko para gumawa ng sariling pangalan?"
Umigting ang bagang ko dahil alam ko sa sarili ko kung alin sa dalawang trabaho ang
gusto ko. I'll choose only to live in the shadow of being a Riego for Amber. Kapag
pareho kaming natuto o kapag mag Maynila siya, susubukan ko ulit sa mga oil
refinery at kung kaya na'y ako na ang magpapaaral sa sarili kong master's degree.
"Babalik din siguro ako rito sa Maynila sa susunod ng taon kung... puwede na.
'Tsaka ako maghahanap ulit ng trabaho sa oil refinery."
"Huh?" His swivel chair moved. "I'm confused. You'll work under Riegosteel but you
will come back in Manila to find another job next year?"
Nagkatinginan lang kami ng boss ko. I don't know how to explain more without
telling him the truth. But like any calloused old men, he knew then what it was.
"Do you have a girlfriend back in that province, Engineer?"
"Yes," I said without looking.
"Ah!" he laughed loudly.
Hindi ako tumawa o nangiti man lang. Nanatili akong seryoso lalo na't kahihiwalay
lang ni Amber sa akin.
He then signed, without hesitation, the approved stamp for my resignation.
"I get it now. But please know that my offer will stand until you and your girl is
ready. Ano bang kurso niyan o Chemical Engineer din ba at baka naman puwedeng isama
mo. I'll give her an opportunity, too."
Umiling ako. "Hindi po. College pa po at hindi related ang kurso ko."
"Oh. But if she graduates and you still want this opportunity, I'll see if I can do
something for her para hindi kayo magkahiwalay."
Nagulat ako roon. Masyadong malaking bagay na nga ang scholarship ko, ganoon pa ang
offer niya para sa girlfriend ko.
"I mean it, Jaxon. I can see that you have a bright future in this field. You are
hardworking and excellent. That's a rare combination in young engineers so I am
putting all my bet on you. This offer will stand until you're ready. I hope you
will be, soon. Mas magandang maagang nagsisimula sa mundong ito, Jaxon. Besides, it
looks like it runs in your blood, huh? You Riegos work like there's a deadline.
Pataasan ng credentials at pa bataan ng pagiging successful."
"Maraming salamat po. Pasensya na talaga sa abala. I wanted to prove myself by
working in this company but I feel like I'm not ready for all of the offers yet."
"Your girl is not ready for this, Jaxon."
"Ako rin naman po," tanging pagkumpirma ko sa naisip niyang dahilan. "Hindi ko rin
alam kung ano ang magiging reaksyon ko kapag siya naman ang naging abala sa kanyang
career. Before building mine, I want to make sure that our relationship's
foundation is strong first."
"That's nice to hear! Kahit sa relasyon, magaling ka ring humawak!" my boss laughed
heartily at that.
I left my work and turned down a great opportunity for our relationship. Hindi na
nagkumento si Papa. Kahit na alam ko kung ano talaga ang gusto niyang sabihin sa
akin. He kept reminding me of it before - work hard first and think about love
last. Pero noong nakita at nalaman niya ang tungkol sa amin ni Amber, wala na
siyang sinabi pa tungkol sa trabaho ko. In fact, he was more concerned about how I
treat Amber. He was protective of her that my choice to leave work and be with her
might be a good decision for him.
Sa pananaw ko madaling makahanap ng bagong trabaho at oportunidad kung magsisikap
ako, si Amber ang mahirap. I don't want to be like my father who's always obviously
so hung up for Maria Emilia Galvez. Walang sirkumstansyang puwedeng maging rason
para pakawalan ko si Amber. We found each other early and I want to prove that we
can keep it that way until we're ready and stable.
Her brown innocent eyes reflected the colors of orange, pink, blue, and purple of
the sky. It's all worth it. To hear her voice, have her assurance that she wants
and needs me, see her smile, kiss her... it's all enough for me.
She's straddling me as I possessively wrapped my arms around her waist. Nakatitig
ako sa kanyang mga mata habang ganoon din siya sa akin. She's very flushed and her
lips are so red. I licked my own when I'm suddenly so hungry for her kisses...
again.
I hope that the ride from the secret beach to Costa Leona was an hour just so I
could spend more time with her. She looked away sadly, putting emphasis on it
through pouting her lips. Hinuli ko ang mga mata niya pero tinulak niya ako.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"First time ko 'yon," she said sadly.
"I know."
"Dahil sa nangyari, hindi mo na ako ma-mi-miss habang nasa Maynila ako," reklamo
niya.
Biting my lower lip, and raising a brow, I caught her eyes so I would have the full
view of her misery.
"Bakit naman?" malambing kong sinabi sabay haplos sa kanyang buhok.
"Dahil may nangyari sa atin! That would be enough of a memory for you for the next
days!" she said miserably.
I smirked. I pushed her closer to me and let my lips softly glide on her neck.
"Hmp! Tama ako, 'di ba?" marahan niyang sinabi habang nagpapatuloy ako sa ginagawa.
"You mean I'm sated so I won't miss you?"
Hindi siya kumibo. Namula lang ang kanyang mukha, hindi tanggap na diretsahan kong
nasabi ang iniisip niya.
"I'm not sated, Amber. We could do that over and over again today, and still won't
be sated."
Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin. I smiled and kissed her lips.
"Kaya mali ka. I'm going to miss you."
"Hahanap ka ng iba dahil wala ako, kung ganoon?"
I softly knocked on her head twice to prove a point. Sinimangutan niya ako dahil sa
ginawa at sa maruming iniisip.
"Umuwi ako rito para satin. I don't want to lose you that's why I'm here. Now you
think I'll cheat just because you're out of my sight?" I explained carefully.
Nag-iwas siya ng tingin.
"And besides, I can wait," I whispered. "I'll just imagine us when I'm missing
you."
Namula siya pagkatapos ng sinabi ko. I chuckled when I caught her awkward
expression. Isang marahang halik at parang naglaho ang pagdududa niyang walang
basehan.
It was the happiest day for me. Ang akala kong pagsisisihang mga padalus-dalos na
desisyon, napawi dahil sa kanya. But my happiness didn't last even for the whole of
that day.
Umuwi siya ng Maynila noon. Sa saya ko sa nangyari sa araw na iyon, hindi ako agad
nakatulog sa gabi. But it shattered when I received a text from a cousin, Eissen. I
normally don't reply to him that much and he doesn't text always, too. Kaya kataka-
taka iyon.
Eissen:
Girlfriend mo ba 'to? Tingnan mo ang isesend kong video.
Noong nasa Maynila ako, madalas kaming magkita kapag day-off. Nababanggit ko sa
kanya tuwing nagtatanong and it turns out, the Sevillas, Amber's family, are really
known as elite people. However, because many look up to them, medyo kilala nga sila
imbes na low profiled. He knows Amber. His friends knew her, too.
I opened the video he sent to me through the phone at kahit madilim, paulit-ulit
kong p-in-lay para makita kung siya nga ba iyon. Amber is kissing someone else on a
dancefloor. She's with a boy who's smiling at her after their wild kisses.
Uminit ang katawan ko sa iritasyon at sa gulat. Tinitigan ko ang itsura ng babae at
pinagdudahan kung si Amber nga ba ang nakikita o kamukha niya lang! She won't kiss
anyone because I'm her boyfriend! Bukod pa roon, what happened between us that
afternoon was still very fresh to us!
Hindi ko alam kung babalikan ko ba sa panonood ang video o ititext si Amber ng
diretso na para makita kung saan siya ngayon. Bago ako makapagdesisyon, tuloy-tuloy
na pumasok ang mga videos ni Eissen.
Eissen:
I'm just concerned, man. I saw her but when I saw her kissing someone, I couldn't
believe that it was her. Kaso sabi ng mga kaibigan ko, siya raw talaga. Alam kong
umuwi ka at nag resign sa trabaho para sa inyong relasyon. I don't wanna get
involved but if this is her, I feel really bad.
Isa pa ulit na video na naghahalikan ang dalawa. I saw Amber smile. Mas klaro
ngayon. Kung ang naunang video, nasa dancefloor sila. Ngayon napahilig na sa
dingding ng bar at naghahalikan pa lalo! The boy was kissing her neck and dry
humping on her while she looked so sensual.
Parang sasabog ang ulo ko sa iritasyon lalo na dahil mas klaro ito ngayon! Nanlamig
ang kamay ko kapapanood noon. It was a 1 minute and 32 seconds long video with
Amber smiling on the first five seconds and the rest, her eyes were closed and with
that sensual look. Ang lalaking nakatabon sa kanya ay hinahawakan siya sa mga
pribadong parte ng katawan. Ang anggulo ng video, hindi nagpapakita ng buo pero sa
galaw ng kamay at sa paraan ng diin niya sa kanyang balakang sa kay Amber, alam ko
na kung ano ang ginagawa.
There's another video with them doing it on a private room, on a sofa. This time, I
saw the boy's hand search Amber's clothes while she didn't even protest! Malayo
iyon dahil mukhang hindi na puwedeng lapitan pero kita sa kalidad ng video ang
nangyayari. The boy was kissing her thoroughly on her chest.
Hindi ko na namalayan na nakabangon na ako. I screamed out a strong curse and I
want to throw my phone away.
"Sino ba ang vinivideo mo riyan, Eissen? Kanina pa 'yan ah?"
"Ah..." the camera then turned black. "Kakilala lang. Is that Amber Sevilla by the
way in that VIP room?"
"Saan? The blinds closed."
"Oo, si Amber 'yon. 'Tsaka boyfriend niya 'yong kanina niya pa kahalikan sa dance
floor. Hindi nakatiis, ah? Nag VIP private room talaga. Sana dinala na lang sa
hotel, 'no?" said another voice and then his friends laughed.
The video stopped and that was the end of it. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako nakahugot
ng lakas para hindi itapon sa pader at wasakin ang cellphone na hawak. Siguro, ang
pagpapakalma sa sarili at ang pag-asa na hindi siya 'yon o may iba siyang rason.
Hindi ko alam anong ititipa ko. I stared at my phone and the videos.
Ako:
Hindi 'yan si Amber.
Kahit alam ko sa sarili ko na kaya ako galit ngayon kasi siya nga iyon. I know her
and the short time I've known her, I have memorized her physical features.
Wala lang kasi talaga akong makitang dahilan o magandang rason para ipaliwanag ang
ginawang iyon. It doesn't help that that boy's kisses flashed on my mind as I
remember the way I kissed her earlier that day! Earlier today! Ni hindi niya
pinagpabukas!
At sino ang lalaking iyon? Boyfriend niya? Nagkaboyfriend ba 'yon? O may boyfriend
bang iba? She looks so innocent! Ni hindi ko na tinanong kung nagkaboyfriend nga
siya dahil halos sigurado akong hindi pa!
My phone beeped for another video. It's a video of them going out of the club while
Amber's head is resting on the boy's shoulder. Ang mga kamay ng lalaki nasa kanyang
baywang habang nakikipag highfive sa mga kakilalang nakakasalubong. Mayabang na
tumatawa ito na tila ba alam ng lahat kung ano ang susunod na mangyayari. Amber's
arms hugged him tightly and then they disappeared on the exit door.
"They literally got a room..." tumawa ang kaibigan ni Eissen sa background at
mabilis na nacut.
Nanghina ako. Kahit anong pilit ko na hindi siya iyon, niloloko ko lang ang sarili
ko. There's another text from Eissen but I didn't have the mood to read more.
Nanghihina kong itinapon ang cellphone sa unahan ng kama ko at hinilot ang sentido.
Nanatili akong ganoon sa loob siguro ng tatlumpong minuto. I want to understand. I
want to know what happened. Maybe she's just drunk? Pero hindi ko pa rin kaya lalo
na't hindi man lang lumipas ang isang araw at ganoon na ang nakita ko.
Punong-puno ako ng galit. I couldn't even chew on the drunk reason! I know she's
innocent and naive but why did she let herself drink too much to do that! Putang
ina makakapatay yata ako ng tao sa galit ko! Lalo na tuwing naiisip ko ang lalaking
nanghalik sa kanya!
Lumabas ako ng kuwarto. Gusto kong umalis ng bahay. Naabutan ko si Papa sa kusina
na umiinom ng kung ano galing sa tasa. Kasusuot ko lang ng jacket. Hindi siya
nagsalita. My curses earlier were a bit violent and loud so it's not surprising if
I woke him up.
"Magpapalamig lang ako," sambit ko.
Tumango siya at hindi na nagtanong kung bakit.
Hindi ko kayang tanggapin ang rason na lasing siya. Hinayaan niya ang sarili niyang
ganoon! May boyfriend siya! Bata pa siya at maaaring baguhan pa sa relasyon pero
pangunahing patakaran 'yan sa relasyon! We don't need to fucking highlight the
unspoken rules of a romantic relationship! Walang puwedeng halikan na ibang tao at
lalong walang dapat gawan ng ganoon, lasing man! She should be more responsible of
her actions!
Fuck, it didn't help that when I tried to ask Eissen about the boy, the only thing
he could tell me is that he is her boyfriend.
"Lahat kasi ng tao rito, Jax, ganoon ang sagot sa akin. I seriously don't know much
about Amber since I have no interest in her until today, because of what happened
so I asked everyone in my circle about it. You know, Arthur Lopez is her
bestfriend's cousin. Siya siguro ang masasabi kong pinakareliable na source ko at
pareho ang sagot niya sa lahat. Harper is the name of that boy and he is her
boyfriend."
"I am her boyfriend," I said angrily and hopelessly.
"Man, I know, alright. Rumor h-has it actually, that before she went away, nahuli
raw 'yan ng Mommy niya sa house party ng boyfriend. Nasa kuwarto raw at... alam mo
n-na..."
"Impossible!" I growled.
"Invited ang ibang kaibigan ko sa house party na iyon kaya they saw it first hand.
I don't wanna be negative on this matter but you should talk to her and ask her
about this."
Hanggang doon lang ang kayang bisitahin ng alaala ko. At ngayon ko lang iyon
binisita ulit pagkatapos ng ilang taon, dahil lang sa kaonting napag-usapan kanina.
I shifted uncomfortably on my seat as I unbuttoned the first buttons of my white
longsleeves. It's a wonderful night here in Palace Downtown and the view of Burj
Khalifa is stunning. I just got here from Australia after assuming a head of office
spot in a Dutch multinational company. Bago kasi ako pinabili ng shares sa oil
refinery, tinanong ako ng CEO, ang dati kong boss, kung kailan ako magkakaroon ng
pamilya. He sees me as a thirsty bachelor who wants nothing but excellence and fast
growth in my career no matter if they will all see me as a merciless business
shark.
Honestly, hindi ko nakuha ang pera ko sa pagiging empleyado. Kahit na malaki ang
suweldo ko noon, it was not enough to grow faster. I invested the money I earned in
the stock market. Fortunately, I think I am good at it. Ako mismo ang nagmomonitor
ng lahat kaya kung pumalpak, wala akong ibang taong sisisihin. I got almost all of
my funds from there. Unti-unti, nakakakuha ako ng share sa oil refinery at lagi
kong itinataon iyon kung kailan bagsak ang pangdaigdigang ekonomiya para mura ang
pagkakabili.
So he wants to know if I'm doing all of these because I want to settle down or
something. S'yempre, isa lang ang sagot ko: hindi. Ginagawa ko ito para magkaroon
ng pangalan. That's when we started talking about my sudden resignation in the
past. I didn't wanna look back but I did, tonight. And even if he's gone to his
hotel room to rest, nanatili sa utak ko ang mga pinag-usapan naming dalawa.
She cheated on me. Above all of that, I can't believe that after seeing her
miserable and hearing her announcement of her pregnancy, I'm on my knees without
thinking! Ni hindi ko na pinroseso ang pagpapatawad ko! Nang nalaman kong buntis
siya, agad ko nang natanggap at agad akong natuwa! Gago lang? Sino ba ang ganoon ka
tanga para ganoon ang gawing reaksyon?
Straight from being very angry to the point of teasing her and making her jealous,
I was then there in front of her smiling and wanting to hug her out of happiness!
The scent of victory. The feeling that she's coming back to me no matter what.
Sa puntong iyon, hindi ko na inisip ang mga naiisip ko ngayon. I was just plain
happy and excited. I did not even think about her cheating or if she did it with
that boy, too! Tanga ngang siguro ako. Siguro, hinintay ko lang na maayos kami at
humupa ang galit ko. Siguro, kahit mayroon ngang nangyari sa kanila at niloko niya
man nga ako, magagawa kong patawarin siya! Ganoon ako katanga para sa kanya! Kasi
kung hindi, paano ako natuwa at nagkaro'n ng pag-asa sa puntong iyon?
At hindi pa rin iyon nagbabago ngayon, hindi ba? Kahit na galit na ulit ako sa
kanya dahil sa nangyari, kapag binibisita ko ang alaala ng araw na iyon... ng anak
namin... para pa rin akong natutunaw sa saya. Para pa rin akong mamamatay sa sakit.
"You know Raoul and Radleigh both have the means, right?" si Vincent Hidalgo na
kanina ko pa kasama sa meeting na iyon.
He'll design a tower here in Dubai and was hired by that same CEO. Kumunot ang noo
ko dahil sa sinabi niya.
"The way you said it when he asked about Amber Sevilla, nagduda ka kung kasal nga
iyon kay Nikolai dela Vega?"
Napainom ako roon. Months after what happened, I was still mourning when I heard
the news of her engagement and sudden wedding with an dirty old fucking man.
"She cheated on me but I don't think she'd go that fucking low and marry an old man
to remain elite, Vince. Pero ewan ko... hindi ko alam... baka nga mali ang
pagkakakilala ko sa kanya. Fuck, I fell too much for her angelic face."
Tumawa si Vince. "Angelic looking girls have their own kind of crazy... based on
experience, Jax."
Nagkatinginan kami ni Vince.
"Hindi ba 'yang dela Vega ang naririnig na sinasabing kabit ni Maria Emilia? Baka
naman nagkamali ka?"
"The papers won't lie, though. It was in the newspapers, magazines, and sites.
Marrying young with a rich and old businessman," I said that like I want to spit
it.
"Talamak talaga ang ganyan sa mga modelo, 'no? Madalas talagang nakukuha ng
matatandang mayayaman."
Tama naman ang sinabi ni Vince pero naiirita ako dahil tinatanggap niya nga iyon
ngayon.
"Pasundan mo na lang sa mga tauhan ng pinsan mo."
"Bakit? Ganyan gawain mo?" I fired at him.
He smirked. "I do it myself, Engineer. Sometimes, I don't trust paid men. My
family's gone because they trust other people too much. I'm not repeating that
mistake. Ako mismo ang aalam sa mga ginagawa ni Eury. Ayokong magkamali."
Nagtagal ang tingin ko sa kay Vincent. He's got a point but I remember when I first
heard about it. Dagdag iyon sa galit ko. Dagdag pa sa desperasyon ko ang
katotohanang hindi ko kayang sumunod sa America! May pera ako galing sa suweldo
pero hindi magiging sapat iyon lalo na kung hindi ko alam kung nasaan siya at baka
magtagal pa ako roon!
I knew then how frustrating it is too be poor and to love someone of that status!
Hindi ako kailanman nagalit sa estado ng aking pamilya bilang maralita pero noon,
labis ang iritasyon ko. I felt like it's a sin to be poor! If I was rich, I'd buy a
ticket without hesitation and go to her! I'll find her. I'll pay men to get her.
I'll pay for hotel rooms for days, weeks, months, until I get to her! Sana ganoon
kadali noon pero hindi. Naabutan na lang ako ng galit ko at kawalan ng pag-asa.
Naabutan na lang ng panibagong galit sa naririnig na balita kaya nang nagkapera
pagkatapos ng ilang taon, hindi na sumagi sa isipan ko... ngayon lang ulit.
"There is a big chance that it's not true," sabi ni Raoul sa akin nang umuwi ako sa
Pilipinas pagkatapos noon.
He looks unsure with his own answer. Kaya lang mabigat na ispekulasyon iyon dahil
lahat ng tao, nakita ang pagkakasal at nabalita iyon. For him to say that it's not
true, there must be something.
"My men are just here in the Philippines. Wala naman kasing rason na umalis pero
iilan din ang nasa ibang bansa, ginamit ni Radleigh noon. Hindi mo naman inutos,
Jaxon, pero pinatingnan na rin namin noong nasa America sila. I didn't know you
were interested. Hindi ko tuloy pinagbuti."
"And? What information did you get?"
Fuck, I feel so damn low right now. Asking my cousin for any information about
Amber Sevilla kahit na ganoon ang ginawa niya sa akin noon. Galit nga, tanga ka pa
rin, Jaxon.
"You know the dela Vegas are almost like the Levistes and Samaniegos. They have
their own men. Gaya ng sabi ko, hindi ko alam na interesado ka kaya nang sinubukan
ko at naharangan ng tauhan ni Nikolai dela Vega, hindi ko na rin pinilit. Rai's men
were given documents that would prove their marriage. That they have son."
Nagtiim-bagang ako sa sinabi.
"She's living with dela Vega for years now. Simula rin noong pinagbuntis niya ang
anak nila. Maria Emilia is living with them, too. Broke on cash but not on
properties. The conclusion was also that because she never dated anyone, at all,
for years... kahit marami siyang manliligaw at co-models na lalaki. Kaya posible
ngang 'yong matanda talaga ang asawa niya. Any sane woman will at least date
someone or keep a fuck buddy..."
Tinanaw ako ni Raoul at hindi ko na napigilan ang iritasyon sa mga sinabi niya. He
looked satisfied at my annoyance.
"... if she was indeed single. So! It was proven then that she's married to dela
Vega. Binantaan ni Nikolai dela Vega na papatayin ang tauhan ni Radleigh kaya
tinigil din namin sa huli."
"And how did you arrive with your own conclusion about it? Sabi mo hindi totoo pero
'yan pala ang nakuha mo, Raoul?" pagalit kong nasabi.
"Dahil ang utos lang sa mga tauhan ay tingnan ang buhay niya sa America, Jaxon. Not
kidnap her so why is Nikolai dela Vega so keen on keeping her out of our eyes? Why
not let the truth speak for itself and show us that they really are doing all of
it? Why give us info and give threats if we won't stop?"
Raoul smirked at my shocked espression. Iyon ang tanging naging pag-asa ko. Tanging
dahilan na tanga akong sumunod doon bitbit ang impormasyon kung taga saan siya at
marami pang iba. Iyon din ang dahilan kung bakit dumoble lang ang galit ko sa kanya
at sa sarili ko.
After days of my vacation near their neighborhood, I finally saw them. Palabas sa
lobby si Amber. My chest pounded bad and that's when I realized how much of a dog I
was. Anong ginagawa ko rito at para saan pa, hindi ba? Isinantabi ko ang galit ko
at nilunok na lang ang pride ko.
I was about to go near her when I saw who's behind. Sinundan siya ni Nikolai dela
Vega, dala dala ang isang lalaking bata. Nikolai carried the sleeping boy on his
arms. Ang ulo ng bata nasa kanyang balikat ay ang mga kamay ay pagod na nahuhulog.
Nilingon ni Amber ang dalawa at nang may napansin, bumalik at nilapitan.
My heart hurt as I watched them. I remember myself and so many what could have
beens. Isang bagay na matagal na nang huli kong ginawa.
Hinaplos ni Amber ang ulo ng batang lalaki at nilagyan ng sumbrero iyon. Nikolai
smiled at her. She smiled at him and kissed the sleeping boy's forehead.
That was all that I could take. I have come all the way here in pursuit of this. I
can't do it anymore. Clearly, Raoul's speculation was wrong. Wala rin naman kasi
siyang ebidensyang nakalap na mali nga ang mga impormasyon nakuha nila. He just
presumed after analyzing it. It was my own hope that made me believe Raj! Bukod pa
roon, how could I miss the fact that she had a son! How did she have a son kung
hindi niya nga tunay na asawa si Nikolai dela Vega?
So stupid!
Hindi ko na kayang sundan pa sila. Tama na ang pagpapakatanga. Tama na ang
pagsisikap mag-isa.
I feel so stupid. Pakiramdam ko ako lang ang hindi nakaahon sa pangyayari at iyon
ang gumatong sa alab ng aking galit para sa kanya.
I would rather be angry at her than love blindly! Kaya iyon ang pinili ko sa mga
sunod pang nagdaang panahon. I need to accept that she's moved on, married her
dirty old rich man, and filled the void of our lost child with another! It hurt me.
It made me a monster. The pain of it all was too much that I couldn't take any
other woman seriously. Kahit pa anong abiso ng lahat sa akin.
"Jax, how are you with your date doon sa summit?" si Snow nang bumisita sila ni
Kuya sa bagong gawang opisina ko.
Kaoopen lang ng Pharmaceutical company. Binili ko ito at inayos galing sa
pagkakalugi.
"Fine."
"Girlfriend mo na?" Snow asked.
Pagod akong humilig sa swivel chair. Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. She looked like
an angel with criminal eyes. Meanwhile, my brother, her knight, is hovering on a
sofa near her with a laptop in front.
"Not my type-"
"Weh? You were touchy with her. I saw photos."
"I was being polite."
Umirap si Snow at lumapit sa lamesa ko. "Alam mo bang nag-asawa ang kuya mo sa edad
mo last year, Jax? Ikaw gagaya ka yata kay Raoul at Radleigh, ah?"
"It's not a contest, Snow."
"But at least keep a girlfriend?" she insisted.
I ignored Snow and typed on my laptop. She wouldn't take the hint, though. Umikot
siya para lumapit sa akin. Umayos ako sa pagkakaupo at binalingan na siya.
"May irereto ako sa'yo. Maganda. Isama mo siya sa next event mo. Patinging
cellphone. Ipakita ko sa'yo ang mukha. Her name is Canary."
Pinakita niya ang palad niya sa aking mukha. I looked at my brother as a sign of a
cry for help but he only raised his brow and closed his laptop. Wala akong nagawa
kundi ibigay kay Snow ang cellphone.
"Hmm. Kina-cobwebs na ang socmed mo. Ioopen ko para ifollow mo si Canary. Nilakad
na kita roon, ha."
Umiling ako at hinayaan na lang siya sa mga sinasabi niya.
"She's a model-socialite..."
Napabaling ako sa kay Snow. She gave me a sharp look for a moment but she
continued.
"She's not very much involved with modeling na nga lang. Maraming charity works at
sobrang bait nito. She's an advocate for preserving the forests here in the
Philippines and she's single," lakad niya sa akin habang sini-swipe ang cellphone
ko.
Inilahad niya sa akin iyon pagkatapos.
"Hindi niya type 'yan," panimula ni Kuya nang lumapit para tingnan. "Alam ko ang
type ni Jaxon."
"Shut up, Kuya..." sabi ko at kinuha na ang cellphone para tingnan nga ang profile
ni Canary.
She's pretty and she looks friendly. Snow was right with her humanitarian
activities since it's all over her feed. All her photoshoots as a model were
modest, too.
"Like it," I murmurred. "Conservative with her choice of gigs."
Tumikhim si Snow. "May pinapatamaan ka ba riyan, Jax?"
"What?" I eyed her now.
She made a face. "Nararamdaman ko kasing may pinapatamaan ka roon sa conservative,
e. Is this someone I know whose photoshoots are usually naked?"
Hindi na ako nagsalita. I don't know how the only person who can speak this lightly
of her in front of me is Snow. Nang-aasar si Kuya pero hindi, kung hindi uunahan ni
Snow. Hindi rin binabanggit na ni Papa, Raoul, Radleigh, Tito Ares, o Vince ang
kahit ano pagkatapos nong umuwi ako galing America.
Walang pasubaling binawi ni Snow ang cellphone ko. Lumapit pa lalo si Kuya sa
kanya. Sa likod ko, naroon silang dalawa na abala sa kung ano.
"This is what you meant by it. Are you stalking her?"
"Who?" palusot ko.
I don't stalk her but I know her past shoots. I don't look at her pictures, mas
lalo lang akong nagagalit.
"It's either leaves, sand, or waves... iyon lang nag co-cover sa katawan niya. Oh!"
Mabilis na ipinakita ni Snow sa akin ang picture ni Amber na kakarampot na mga
dahon ng niyog lang ang nakatabon. Marahas kong hinawi ang kamay niya. Tumawa si
Kuya at nakisali na sa pagsu-swipe.
"Ayan o. Magagalit na 'yan," si Kuya.
Snow flashed another one again with Amber wet and holding her round boobs! Marahas
kong lalong nahawi ang kamay ni Snow.
"Oh no! Ikaw kasi! O M G!" Snow said.
Kinabahan ako roon lalo na dahil humagalpak si Kuya. Tumayo ako at nilayo ang
swivel chair para tingnan ang nangyari sa cellphone ko.
"Na heart ko ang picture niya sa Instagram dahil sa ginawa mo!" she explained.
"What?"
"Oo! Ikaw kasi!"
Nataranta ako roon at agad binawi ang cellphone. "Hindi ako tumitingin sa mga
litrato niya at ayokong isipin niya na nakikibalita pa rin ako hanggang ngayon!"
Umiling ako.
Mabilis kong pinindot ang heart para mawala. Pumikit ako at pinasadahan ng kamay
ang buhok dahil sa iritasyon at kaba.
"Baka akala no'n nakikibalita ako!" I spat angrily at the couple who thinks it's
all a joke!
"Sus!"
Kuya Sibal pointed at my screen again with Amber's face on it. He pointed at the 80
thousand likes on her post.
"Akala mo naman mapapansin 'yun. Ang daming followers niyan at marami ring nagla-
like. Daming notification diyan kaya 'di ka na makikita! Alam ko sa dahil ten
thousand likes ni Snow, minsan 'di niya napapansin na nagcocomment ako!"
"Oo nga, Jax! And probably she has a team for that. She's not directly handling her
account kaya kahit na magcomment ka riyan, 'di niya malalaman 'yon," dagdag ni
Snow.
Nagtawanan ang dalawa. Mas lalo lang akong naasar.
"Kabado pa. As if makikita, 'no?" bulungan ng dalawang mas lalo ko ring ikinairita.
I was about to walk out of my own office when Snow called for maybe another wave of
her annoying tease.
"Nga pala, narinig ko kay Tita Athena, Jax, divorced na raw iyon."
The hell I care. I shrugged evilly at her then continued walking towards the door.
"Malapit nang umuwi rin."
"Annulled siguro, wala raw kasi sa records na ikinasal," si Kuya, nagdagdag.
I only waved and continued walking. I have no fucking interest with the woman who
scarred me. Wala rin akong pakealam kung divorced man o annulled na siya. Good for
her. That's what she gets for not being with me! That's what she gets for cheating
and then leaving me! For marrying someone else that's not me!
Ano, Amber? Can't get past through me? All the man you will try to kiss and make
love to will remind you of me. You will look for me in all of them... you will
never be satisfied, I vowed to myself evilly. Malademonyo ang ngiti ko habang
iniisip iyon pero unti-unti ring napawi nang natanto kung bakit ko iyon hinihiling
at isinusumpa.
Kapag ganoon nga, anong gagawin mo, Jaxon? Kapag hindi nga siya makalimot sa'yo,
kaya niya hiniwalayang ang matandang iyon, anong gagawin mo? Paano kung habulin ka
niya bigla at sabihin na ikaw pa rin pala... pagkatapos ng lahat? Ano ang gagawin
mo?
I swallowed bitterly. Kunot noo kong inalis ang tingin sa pagkakatulala at pinutol
ang dire-diretso kong kaisipan tungkol doon.
I know what's the answer to all those questions. I certainly know what's the next
thing I would do. Umigting ang bagang ko habang naiisip iyon. I pushed a smile
despite the angry eyes pooled with unshed tears of nothing but wrath.
We lost a child. She left me. And then she married someone else and had their own
baby. I wasn't a perfect boyfriend but I did not cheat on her! I did not marry
anyone to fill her gap! And I certainly didn't want to fill the void of our lost
baby through having another one! Damn you, Amber Sevilla! Kung sakaling magkikita
ulit tayo at malalaman kong mahal mo pa ako, galit lang ang isusukli ko sa'yo, wala
nang iba!
Or that was what I thought I would do.
It was a perfect excuse to get close to her but little by little I realized, that's
not the case anymore. The case was that I love her and... I can forgive her. It's a
bitter pill to swallow but the right feeling I should've kept for years was
indifference, not anger. Kasi ang galit, gahibla lang ang agwat sa matinding
pagmamahal. Wrath is sometimes misplaced passion. Anger is sometimes a cry of pain.
Hate is sometimes bruised and broken love.
It was a lot more different when the truth was slammed in front of me, all at once.
She wasn't married with the perverted old man, at all. Though her relationship with
her was shady, still it doesn't change the fact that she was never in a romantic
relationship with the pervert. And most of all... her son... is my son.
Small but strong punches were thrown at me on our first meeting. The six-year-old
boy looked just like me. I am in awe. Matagal niya nang alam na nandyan ako,
hinihintay niyang magpakita. Samantalang ako, sa mismong araw na iyon ko pa nalaman
na may anak ako! That it was twins she was carrying, we lost one and kept another.
I have a son. I have a child with Amber.
The shock washed through me but I know I can't stay stunned. My son is crying in
front of me, naniningil sa nawalang taon. Naniningil sa bagay na hindi ko alam kung
mababayaran ko ba.
"What took you so long! What took you so long, Papa! I waited so hard! I waited!"
he cried.
His voice and begging for answers was killing me. I pulled him to me again for a
tight embrace as I kissed the side of his head, his ear, and I whispered the
sincerest words I'd ever told anyone.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't know. I love you. I love you..."
Thinking about the pain of losing an unborn child hurt me. And whispering these
words today felt like my salvation... a second chance at life... to right all my
wrongs and to live again. To turn my grief back into what it's supposed to be:
love.
"Naghintay ako. Naghintay, Papa!"
Papa. I tried hard not to break down to appear strong in front of my son but I just
couldn't hold it together.
"I'm sorry, I kept you waiting. I love you, please forgive me, baby. I love you and
your mother so much. I was miserable, too. I thought I lost everything," I
whispered even when I don't think he could ever understand what I'm feeling.
The longing is in his eyes as I took care of him that night. The silent plea for
attention hurt me a lot. Gusto kong magalit kay Amber pero siguro sa lahat ng
kamalian ko, at sa galit ko, ito nga ang nararapat sa akin. Ang pagkaitan ng anak.
Ang saktan ng mabuti...
"Don't go anymore. Don't leave us again..." he begged me.
Yumuko ako at pumikit. Tears pooled in my eyes. I can't bear hear my son beg for
love from me. A memory drifted of a young girl who begged me not to leave her. I
left her back then, that was why we started drifting apart. Now my son begs, I
won't make the same mistake again.
I glanced at Amber who's crying now. Kinakausap ng kanyang ina at ng lalaking iyon.
I gritted my teeth at my own conviction. I am not leaving this place without my
son... and her. There is no way in hell they could ever be out of my sight, again.
I mentally mapped what I will do from that moment on. Napabaling si Amber sa akin.
Nagkatinginan kami. I watched her sharply with an oath in my eyes. I knew she felt
my conviction when she looked away like a guilty fucking kitten. Babawiin ko ang
anak ko, Amber, at babawiin din kita!
This love I have for Amber is decorated with so many other emotions along the way.
There was anger, there was guilt, there was pain... and above all there was grief.
That was the main reason why after her, I couldn't get myself to like another girl.
After her, I found no reason to create a family of my own. I felt like it was a
betrayal to our lost little angel.
Mas lalo ko iyong natutunan habang pinapanood ang mga dating video nila ni Jacques.
She looked so fragile and young when my baby boy was a baby. She suffered too much
without me at aakuin ko ng buong-buo ang kasalanang iyon!
I was then weak, driven only by emotions. I let my jealousy and pain speak. I set
aside my rationality and waited for the right time only to be slapped by the hard
truth - it's all too late.
Mahigpit kong niyakap si Amber habang nakaluhod, isang gabi, nang nawalan na ako ng
lakas, pagkatapos ng ilang taong pagkukunwaring hindi na masakit. I held on to her
like my life depended on her. While my face is buried in her stomach, I felt the
last drop of my frustration, wrath, and misery.
Kung pinalagpas ko na lang sana ang kamalian niya noon, hindi sana ito nangyari!
Kung nagpatawad ako agad, hindi na pinatagal, hindi na dinama ang sakit, hindi na
sana nagkaganoon! Kung naging mas maayos ang ang isipan ko, hindi na gumanti, at
inintindi na lang na takot lang siyang mawala ako kaya siya nagsinungaling, sana
maayos ang lahat ngayon!
Sana hindi naghirap ang anak ko. Sana hindi naghirap at nasaktan si Amber. Sana
hindi nawala ang isa pang anak namin!
I want so bad to have the power to turn back the time and right it all! To love her
better and to give her room for errors! To be more considerate because we were both
young and naive! I dragged myself out of the gutter. I earned my way to where I am
now, even when it was almost impossible back then. Surely, there is a fucking way
to right these... to turn back the time and make everything okay! I want to ask for
that godly power because I think I can do anything if only I pour my heart out on
it!
I can't forgive myself! I don't think I could ever forgive myself from this!
Ganoong-gano'n ang naramdaman ko sa araw na iyon. Masayang-masaya ako nang nalamang
buntis siya. How did I ever forget of the possibilities when I know what happened
that day. My anger consumed my judgement too much.
"Jaxon! Gago ka!" sigaw ni Papa sa akin at kinuwelyuhan agad ako.
Ilang beses pa akong masusuntok ni Papa kapag tungkol kay Amber. Naalala ko noong
nakita niyang hinaharangan ko iyon habang tumatakas kasi nag-aaway kami. Kung hindi
lang ako sinaway ni Papa, hindi sana iyon nakatakas at baka hinila ko iyon at
sapilitang pagsasalitian pa para magkaliwanagan.
Seryoso akong tumitig lang kay Papa.
"Hindi ba't sinabi ko sa'yong- Ikaw na gago ka!" he shouted at me again.
I just told him that Amber's pregnant with our baby. Break na kami no'n at tuwing
nagkikita, lalong nag-aaway. Naiisip ko kasi ang kataksilan niya. Ngayon, wala nang
bigat iyon dahil magkakaanak kaming dalawa! If she loved her boyfriend back in
Manila, well, she'll eventually forget him! I'll make her forget him!
"Hindi ba sinabi ko sa'yo na huwag na huwag mong gagawin ito! Jaxon! Wala ka pang
ibubuga! Sana inuna mo ang trabaho!"
Hinawakan ko ang kamay ni Papa na may hawak sa aking kuwelyo.
"Papa, makakapagtrabaho ako at mas pagbubutihin ko pa para kay Amber at sa magiging
anak namin."
Gaya nang sabi nila, mas makulimlim ang dilim pagkatapos ng liwanag kaysa sa dilim
nang hindi kailanman nagliwanag. Mas malungkot ang buhay na miminsang nakatikim ng
saya kaysa sa buhay na hindi. My life is darker because I was once given light,
through a hope of a child. It was dark before her, and now it's the darkest after
her. It was as if I was given a taste of heaven before I was thrown to hell. It was
as if I was only promised for a few seconds of sweetness only to be filled with
bitterness forever.
"Hindi ako naniniwala!" sigaw ko sa ospital nang dineklara ng doktor ang pagkawala
ng anak namin ni Amber. "Papasukin n'yo ako!"
"Jaxon, the patient has requested her peace. Isa pa, nagpapahinga siya," sabi ng
doktor.
I know damn well what her family can do just to keep any Riego away from them! I
know because I know what they did to my brother!
"Doc, gusto lang po naming malaman ang totoo. Kakausapin ko si Maria Emilia-" si
Papa habang hinahawakan ako kasi hindi na ako mapakali at gustong-gusto ko nang
lagpasan ang lahat ng mga taong nagpipigil sa harap ko.
"Achilles, alam ko ang ginawa ni Maria Emilia sa pamilya mo at maaaring iniisip mo
na isa 'to sa kaya niyang gawin para malayo sa inyo pero... itataya ko ang lisensya
ko rito. I can give you the whole of the blood Amber lost from the miscarriage. If
you want to check, you may opt for a DNA. Konti lang iyon kasi pinakaunang stage
pa, that means it was still very fragile, mas malaki ang posibilidad ng mis-"
Buong lakas kong tinulak ang nakahawak na guard sa akin dahilan ng tilian nang
naroong mga nurse. I didn't want to be like a caveman and inflict violence in the
hospital but I couldn't seem to contain myself anymore.
"Jaxon!" sigaw ni Papa hanggang sa inawat na ako ng mas maraming guard, at pulis.
We were thrown out of the hospital.
Buong araw akong tulala noon. Hindi ko maalala kung ano ang naging reaksyon ko nang
nalamang umalis si Amber. Masyado akong abala sa sakit na naramdaman ko para sa
magiging anak namin. I want to doubt it but when I saw the transparent jar
containing the blood she lost... our baby, I broke down, for the first time in my
life.
Hindi ako makarinig sa kahit anong sabihin ni Papa. Ni hindi ko kayang pakiharapan
ang sino man sa mga kaibigan ko. They wanted me to tell them what happened, to
release my pain, because that's how it should be but I couldn't. I kept them all to
myself.
I knew then I will never be the same again. Sa harap ng dagat, mabining hangin, at
mainit na sikat ng araw, inilibing ko ang sarili kong anak sa lugar kung saan kami
madalas ni Amber noon. I didn't want to bury her on the cemetery. I want a peaceful
and beautiful resting place for my lost daughter.
On the cliff, watching the crystal clear blue waters, you will rest here.
Nanginginig ang kamay ko habang mag-isang nililibing iyon. I thought of myself
kneeling weakly, grieving, it was a heavy picture of a man who isn't only burying
his daughter, but also, burying himself. Your end was my end too. When I lost you,
I lost myself.
This is more than a sunburn to my heart. It wasn't even a skin-deep burn. It was a
burn until my heart were ashes. It was death.
For a fleeting moment, I felt that exactly as I stare to the unchanged arrangement
of the rocks I settled there that day. Tinitigan ko iyon at ang sakit na naramdaman
ko noon, nanuot na naman ngayon.
Lumuhod si Jacques doon, nilalapag ang dalang bouquet ng bulaklak at nanatili sa
ayos na ganoon. The last drop of my hope for the two of them to be here, in front
of me, hurt me so much. At mag-aalab pa lalo iyon kung hindi lang napigilan ng
hawak ng isang malamig na kamay sa akin.
Pinagsalikop ni Amber ang aming mga daliri. Binagsak ko ang tingin ko roon at
nanatili na sa magkahawak naming kamay. She hugged my arm. Nag-angat siya ng tingin
sa akin. There were tears in her eyes but she was smiling sweetly at me.
Niyakap ko siya at itinuon na ang buong pansin sa kanya. She smiled more.
"You are a good father, Jax," she whispered.
She wiped the tears on her face.
I gritted my teeth to keep my own pain but my wife holds my heart. She memorized
how to draw foreign feelings out of me. Kumunot ang noo ko at marahas na pinigilan
ang sarili sa matinding kirot sa puso. Her praise to me hurt me so much. Kasi
taliwas ang iniisip ko sa sarili ko. I am the worst father! Hinding-hindi ko na
mababawi ang lahat ng kamalian ko at kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko na mababalik pa
ang panahon!
I am the worst father! I lost our baby because I am stupid and useless! I lost them
because I was selfish! I was foolish from the very beginning and I don't think I
could ever rise from that!
Kung sana mas maayos lang ang pagkatao ko, kung sana hindi ako ganito, hindi na
sana nangyari ito! Tears flowed out of my eyes as I hush to not disturb my son in
front of us. Amber pulled me and hugged me tight. Mariin kong pinikit ang mga mata
habang niyakap siya ng sobrang higpit. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin at lahat ng
iyon, puro mga masasakit na salita para sa aking sarili.
"Let's stop blaming ourselves," she whispered.
Nanatili ako sa yakap niya.
"It was just what's meant to be, Jax. We matured and found a way to each other
again because of everything that's happened. Our son is this way, too, because of
everything. But you see, it's still perfect. We have each other. We love each
other. And our son grew up to be a kind young boy. Kaya, Jax, tingin ko... tama
lang," her voice soothed the monsters within me.
Nanatili akong tahimik.
"If we turn back time and changed some things, maybe we won't be the same people.
Who knows we might not end up with each other. We'll never really know."
Huminga ako ng malalim at tumayo ng maayos. Lumipat ako sa kanyang likod para hindi
niya makita ang sakit na nararamdaman. She let me do that.
"What happened in the past made us who we are today. And I love you today, Jax. I
love my family today. I love my life today. I will love all of these tomorrow."
I kissed Amber's cheek and calmed myself silently.
"For Jacques, for me, and for our daughter, you are the best father," she whispered
reassuringly. "Thank you for burying her on my favorite place."
"Our favorite place," I whispered.
Tumango siya at binaba ang tingin sa aming anak na tahimik at nakatitig pa rin sa
magagandang bulaklak na nilapag niya para sa kapatid.
"Surely, she's in heaven with a grateful heart."
The peace I'm feeling right now as I hold her and watch our son feel for his twin
made me at calm.
"Maybe we lost her so we'll find each other again. Pareho tayong nawalan kaya
tayong dalawa lang din ang makakaintindi at makakapawi noon. We lost her so we'll
find our way back together for our son, Jax."
I sighed heavily and kiss her hair.
"Our burns in the past were blessings of the present and future. See? We have a son
and... we have an angel."
I have rested my heart completely because my wife is my peace and our family is my
salvation. I kissed her more and whispered...
"Thank you," I said sincerely. "For saving me. I'm yours forever, Amber. I love
you."
Nilingon niya ako at binigyan ng matamis na ngiti.