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- Synced and corrected by <font color="#009BCB"><b>chamallow</b></font> -
- www.addic7ed.com -

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If you're watching this,
then I'm not around anymore.

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I couldn't say any of this to
your face. It's too embarrassing.

4
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For you, not for me, obviously.

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You're never very good at
hearing how lovely you are.

6
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But you are.

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You are. You're lovely.

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But you're absolutely fucking useless.

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So I thought I'd leave you a
little guide to life without me.

10
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You've gotta turn the alarm
off in the morning, yeah?

11
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If you open the door, it'll set it off,

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then the alarm company think
we're getting broken into.

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If you do set it off,
you've gotta ring 'em.
14
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The number's in your phone under
"alarm." The alarm code is 8645.

15
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That's your PIN code.

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You know this.

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And... put it on "perimeter,"
otherwise the dog will set it off.

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And feed the dog, yeah?

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First thing in the morning
and when you get in from work.

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And what else?

21
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Gotta put the bins out Tuesday evenings.

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Black bin is household waste,

23
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green bin is recy...

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Where's your bowl?

25
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There it is.

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Oh, fuck!

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No dog food.
28
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Baked beans or vegetable curry?

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Thought so.

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Oh, sorry.

31
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I'll get you some real food later.

32
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Fuckin' hell.

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Vegetable curry for me then.

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Oh!

35
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- Hello.
- Hello.

36
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I'm starting here today.

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I'm starting work here today.

38
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Okay. Do you have a name?

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Yes. Sandy.

40
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No, I mean, who are
you meant to meet here?

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Who hired you?
42
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Oh. Mr. Braden.

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Come here. Good girl.

44
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Your dog should be on a lead.

45
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- What?
- Dogs should be on a lead.

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Can't you read? The park's for everyone.

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Oh, right. Oh, sorry.

48
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Thank you. Come here, girl.

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Come here.

50
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What?! He is not a fat,
hairy, nosy cocksucker.

51
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Bad girl, Brandy.

52
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Sorry about that.

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- Disgusting.
- See you later.

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Good girl.

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Right.
56
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I've gotta go to work.

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See you later.

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I'll bring you some food.

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Good girl. Good girl.

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Good girl.

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Here you go.

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What?

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It's your post.

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Put it through the door.

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Well, you're here,
so it saves me a trip.

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- I don't wanna walk with it, do I?
- Why not?

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You're new, aren't you?

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Yeah, I was transferred...

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No, I don't care.

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Presumably in your old round,

71
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you put things through
the door, didn't you?

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Mate, there's no need to get all lairy.

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- Why are you talking to me like this?
- Will you report me?

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Yeah. What's your name?

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- You'll laugh.
- Trust me.

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It's Pat.

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- Postman Pat?
- Yeah.

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Put it through the door.

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That was easy, wasn't it?

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- You could've done that.
- No, I couldn't.

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- Why not?
- I'm not a postman.

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Go on.

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Hi, George.

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Hi.

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Who's that?

86
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He's my uncle.

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Pedo!

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- What?
- Pedo!

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I'm not a pedo.

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And if I was, you'd be safe,
you tubby, little ginger cunt.

91
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Welcome.

92
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Great to have you.

93
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I remember my first day,
and it is exciting, isn't it?

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- Yeah.
- Yeah. Great place to work, this.

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Very dynamic, lots of people
in and out all the time.

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Really excellent bunch of people.
97
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Hard working.

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It's very rewarding as well. You
get to go out into the community.

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And that can be anything
from local stories, you know,

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erm... entertainment, finance.

101
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So, yeah.

102
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Kath does the advertising.

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Be nice to her, and she might take you

104
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to the opening of a new restaurant,

105
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give you a free meal.

106
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Lenny does all the photography,

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so if you're interested in that...

108
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Everyone chips in on everything, really.

109
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So what kind of thing are you
interested in, would you say?

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Writing features.
111
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Perfect. That's great.

112
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You'll definitely do that here.

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Lots of features. Sky's the limit.

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Erm...

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Tony's the head of features.

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He's not here.

117
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He's a very good writer.

118
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Very smart, very
experienced, good guy. Erm...

119
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He's not himself at the
minute, to be honest.

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He's had a bit of bad news. Erm...

121
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His... err... Tony's my brother-in-law.

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Erm. He was married to my sister, Lisa,

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who died.

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Cancer.

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- Sorry.
- Yeah.

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And he was obviously devastated.

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Err... suicidal.

128
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Right.

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I should warn you, he might...

130
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say a few things that are a bit...

131
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err...

132
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brutal...

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at times, so, you know,
don't take it personally.

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I mean, you will be
working closely with him.

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Anyway, err...

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have fun.

137
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Thanks.

138
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So, how are you?

139
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Same.

140
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Bad then?

141
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I've honestly nothing
to compare it to anymore.

142
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But I guess a good day

143
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is when I don't go around

144
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wanting to shoot random
strangers in the face

145
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and then turn the gun on myself.

146
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One of my clients

147
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fantasizes about killing his ex-wife...

148
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... when he's masturbating.

149
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Why are you telling me that?

150
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I didn't say his name.

151
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No, I know, but...

152
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how does that help me?

153
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I dunno.

154
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I guess to let you know
you're not the only one.

155
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- Only what?
- Well, the only mental case out there.

156
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I mean, y'know...

157
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the only guy with mental problems.

158
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- I've got problems.
- Go on.

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God, man, where do I start?

160
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Maybe start with me,
as I'm paying, but...

161
00:09:59,925 --> 00:10:01,285
- Morning.
- Morning.

162
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Terrible, isn't it? Scarred for life.

163
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Hardly scarred for life.

164
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She's 93.

165
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If she lives to 100,
she's only been scarred

166
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for seven percent of her life.
167
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You're late.

168
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You're boring.

169
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You're joking, aren't you?

170
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I wasn't, but go on. What have you got?

171
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It's distribution day.

172
00:10:28,245 --> 00:10:31,245
No, I mean, why would you think I
was joking about you being boring?

173
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Have you got a... counterargument or...

174
00:10:35,405 --> 00:10:37,965
- Why do you let him get away with this?
- I don't.

175
00:10:38,045 --> 00:10:39,605
Tony, come on. What's going on?

176
00:10:40,485 --> 00:10:43,205
We're putting out a free local
newspaper that no one cares about.

177
00:10:43,285 --> 00:10:45,165
No, that's not true.

178
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:47,085
And that's not wh... Can
you come in my office?

179
00:10:47,365 --> 00:10:49,560
- Sure.
- A lot of people rely on our paper.

180
00:10:49,565 --> 00:10:51,405
Not everyone's on Twitter, are they?

181
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:53,365
Back to work, everyone.

182
00:10:55,885 --> 00:10:56,965
What do you want me to say?

183
00:10:57,005 --> 00:10:58,681
That I'm sorry, and
I'll buck my ideas up?

184
00:10:58,682 --> 00:11:00,365
'Cause I won't. 'Cause there's no point.

185
00:11:01,045 --> 00:11:03,125
Look, Tony, I know
that you've had issues,

186
00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:05,405
- okay, since you lost Lisa.
- Do you reckon...

187
00:11:05,485 --> 00:11:07,085
my wife dying affected me a bit?

188
00:11:07,165 --> 00:11:09,965
Of course, and you know I get
that. I even told Sandy about it.

189
00:11:10,205 --> 00:11:12,405
- Who's Sandy?
- The new girl.

190
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I didn't want her thinking
this is a madhouse.

191
00:11:14,645 --> 00:11:16,205
I had to say something.

192
00:11:16,845 --> 00:11:19,461
Look, I just need a bit of
professionalism around here, okay, Tony.

193
00:11:19,485 --> 00:11:20,485
- Please?
- No.

194
00:11:20,485 --> 00:11:22,085
I shouldn't have to explain this to you.

195
00:11:22,125 --> 00:11:23,965
You can't just go around
being rude to people.

196
00:11:24,045 --> 00:11:25,045
You can, though.

197
00:11:25,365 --> 00:11:26,525
That's the beauty of it.

198
00:11:26,965 --> 00:11:29,805
There's no advantage to
being nice and thoughtful

199
00:11:29,885 --> 00:11:31,925
and caring and having integrity.

200
00:11:32,005 --> 00:11:33,845
It's a disadvantage, if anything.

201
00:11:33,925 --> 00:11:36,565
Well, if you carry on like
this, I might have to let you go.

202
00:11:36,645 --> 00:11:37,645
No, you won't.

203
00:11:38,125 --> 00:11:40,565
You won't, that's what I'm
saying, 'cause you're a nice bloke.

204
00:11:40,645 --> 00:11:42,605
So I'll take advantage of you,

205
00:11:42,685 --> 00:11:43,965
like everyone else does here.

206
00:11:44,045 --> 00:11:45,725
- You'll warn me. I'll ignore it.
- What?

207
00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:47,645
You'll give me another
warning. I'll ignore it.

208
00:11:47,725 --> 00:11:49,365
I'll carry on doing
what the fuck I want.

209
00:11:49,445 --> 00:11:51,805
Eventually you'll give up, and I'll win.

210
00:11:52,365 --> 00:11:54,365
The girls here have discovered

211
00:11:54,445 --> 00:11:57,405
that you won't even
question "women's problems."

212
00:11:57,485 --> 00:11:59,325
Kath's had three periods this month.

213
00:11:59,405 --> 00:12:01,605
She likes Fridays off. You do nothing.

214
00:12:01,685 --> 00:12:04,085
She gets away with it
'cause she's an arsehole.

215
00:12:04,165 --> 00:12:06,605
So, I thought, right,
let's have a bit of that.

216
00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:07,805
Why would you wanna do that?

217
00:12:07,845 --> 00:12:10,125
Why wouldn't you just rather
get better and be happy?

218
00:12:10,205 --> 00:12:12,341
There's only one thing that'd
make me better and happy,

219
00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:14,885
and that's Lisa being
around, and that can't happen.

220
00:12:14,965 --> 00:12:17,725
So that's why I nearly
killed myself straight away.

221
00:12:17,805 --> 00:12:20,405
Right, okay, but you didn't
kill yourself, did you?

222
00:12:20,765 --> 00:12:23,605
So, clearly, you know,
something made you stop.

223
00:12:23,685 --> 00:12:25,045
The look on the dog's face.

224
00:12:25,765 --> 00:12:28,005
She was hungry, so I
thought I'd better feed her.

225
00:12:28,285 --> 00:12:29,765
It gave me time to think,

226
00:12:29,845 --> 00:12:31,085
"I should be dead now."

227
00:12:31,165 --> 00:12:32,165
I didn't care.

228
00:12:32,165 --> 00:12:33,605
So, everything's a bonus.

229
00:12:34,605 --> 00:12:36,125
If I become an arsehole,

230
00:12:36,205 --> 00:12:38,925
and I do and say what the fuck I want

231
00:12:39,005 --> 00:12:40,365
for as long as I want,

232
00:12:40,445 --> 00:12:41,965
and then when it all gets too much,
233
00:12:42,045 --> 00:12:43,365
I can always kill myself.

234
00:12:43,725 --> 00:12:44,885
It's like a superpower.

235
00:12:45,125 --> 00:12:47,525
That's the worst superhero
I've ever heard of.

236
00:12:48,445 --> 00:12:49,605
That's the way it is now.

237
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:50,765
So what? So...

238
00:12:52,165 --> 00:12:55,765
My job now is to make you
happy before you kill yourself?

239
00:12:55,845 --> 00:12:58,525
That's like a constant ticking
clock for me now, is it?

240
00:12:58,605 --> 00:12:59,645
If you like.

241
00:12:59,725 --> 00:13:01,005
Well, I don't like.

242
00:13:01,085 --> 00:13:03,125
Anyway, that's the way it is.

243
00:13:03,565 --> 00:13:05,485
Okay, well, I'm glad we had this chat.

244
00:13:05,565 --> 00:13:07,005
Yeah, very constructive.

245
00:13:08,645 --> 00:13:09,765
All right, erm...

246
00:13:10,565 --> 00:13:12,565
So this is... This is Sandy.
247
00:13:12,645 --> 00:13:16,085
She's just started today. It's
her first day, erm, so, Tony,

248
00:13:16,165 --> 00:13:18,125
she's gonna be working
under you. If you could...

249
00:13:18,205 --> 00:13:19,845
show her the ropes,
tell her what's what.

250
00:13:21,565 --> 00:13:23,245
Here's what's what...

251
00:13:23,645 --> 00:13:25,085
humanity is a plague.

252
00:13:25,165 --> 00:13:29,085
We're a disgusting,
narcissistic, selfish parasite,

253
00:13:29,365 --> 00:13:31,445
and the world would be a
better place without us.

254
00:13:31,525 --> 00:13:33,725
It should be everyone's
moral duty to kill themselves.

255
00:13:33,805 --> 00:13:36,365
I could do it now. Quite
happily just go upstairs,

256
00:13:36,445 --> 00:13:37,685
jump off the roof,

257
00:13:37,765 --> 00:13:40,245
and make sure I landed on
some cunt from accounts.

258
00:13:40,925 --> 00:13:42,405
That the sort of thing...

259
00:13:43,485 --> 00:13:44,525
you meant?
260
00:13:44,605 --> 00:13:45,605
No.

261
00:13:46,525 --> 00:13:47,885
Just, erm... ignore that.

262
00:13:48,365 --> 00:13:50,685
Lenny, can you show Sandy the ropes?

263
00:13:50,765 --> 00:13:51,765
Sure thing.

264
00:13:51,845 --> 00:13:53,645
Gotta get the papers out. Thank you.

265
00:13:53,725 --> 00:13:56,061
- You showing her the ropes, yeah?
- Big time.

266
00:13:56,085 --> 00:13:57,325
Can I guess the bullet points?

267
00:13:59,045 --> 00:14:00,045
Get in.

268
00:14:00,765 --> 00:14:03,045
Eat in front of the
computer. Go to the pub.

269
00:14:03,125 --> 00:14:04,445
Eat in front of the quiz machine.

270
00:14:04,805 --> 00:14:07,045
Go home. Eat in front of the telly.

271
00:14:07,365 --> 00:14:09,125
Go to bed. I assume you eat in bed?

272
00:14:09,525 --> 00:14:11,485
I have emergency snacks nearby, yeah.

273
00:14:15,725 --> 00:14:17,165
I've gotta go.
274
00:14:18,245 --> 00:14:20,005
Want me to bring you
more doughnuts, fat boy?

275
00:14:20,045 --> 00:14:21,045
Yes, please.

276
00:14:26,045 --> 00:14:28,125
Do you mind him talking
to you like that?

277
00:14:28,445 --> 00:14:29,445
Nah, he's a mate.

278
00:14:29,925 --> 00:14:31,125
It distracts him.

279
00:14:32,365 --> 00:14:34,765
You don't take any
shit off him, all right?

280
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:37,725
I don't, 'cause I'm not weak like him.

281
00:14:38,605 --> 00:14:39,965
- Julian?
- Yeah.

282
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:41,685
We've had a few calls from people

283
00:14:41,765 --> 00:14:44,325
saying that their building
didn't get any papers delivered.

284
00:14:44,405 --> 00:14:45,445
Ah.

285
00:14:45,525 --> 00:14:47,685
Okay, look, that's
weird 'cause I definitely

286
00:14:47,765 --> 00:14:48,885
delivered them all.

287
00:14:49,685 --> 00:14:52,885
You know you've got to ring a buzzer
to get into the actual building?

288
00:14:52,965 --> 00:14:54,325
You can't just leave them outside.

289
00:14:54,365 --> 00:14:57,005
A lot of the old people can't get
up and down the stairs or go out.

290
00:14:57,045 --> 00:14:58,245
Yeah, I know that, boss.

291
00:14:58,325 --> 00:15:00,325
I will be extra careful with these.

292
00:15:01,685 --> 00:15:02,685
Okay.

293
00:15:03,365 --> 00:15:05,445
Can I get paid now?

294
00:15:08,805 --> 00:15:10,245
You will do a good job, won't you?

295
00:15:10,325 --> 00:15:11,765
You can trust me, yeah.

296
00:15:12,725 --> 00:15:14,485
- Thirty-five pounds, right?
- Yeah.

297
00:15:14,765 --> 00:15:15,845
All right. Cheers.

298
00:15:15,885 --> 00:15:16,885
Okay.

299
00:15:26,165 --> 00:15:27,245
Hot date?

300
00:15:29,445 --> 00:15:30,445
Sorry, what?

301
00:15:30,925 --> 00:15:31,925
Just saw you washing

302
00:15:32,245 --> 00:15:34,005
in a puddle from a drain,

303
00:15:34,085 --> 00:15:36,165
and I wondered if it
was a special occasion.

304
00:15:36,725 --> 00:15:37,725
Not really, no.

305
00:15:38,845 --> 00:15:42,005
Gonna buy drugs with that and
dump the papers in the skip?

306
00:15:43,285 --> 00:15:46,605
Well, I should probably dump
them first, then buy the drugs.

307
00:15:46,685 --> 00:15:48,685
I'll forget otherwise, won't I?

308
00:16:19,285 --> 00:16:20,445
Where's Lisa?

309
00:16:23,165 --> 00:16:24,365
She's dead, Dad.

310
00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:26,285
Remember?

311
00:16:27,045 --> 00:16:28,405
She died earlier this year.

312
00:16:29,845 --> 00:16:31,445
She was here this morning.

313
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:33,725
No, she wasn't.

314
00:16:35,885 --> 00:16:36,885
Hi.

315
00:16:37,445 --> 00:16:38,445
Hi.

316
00:16:39,245 --> 00:16:40,405
Right.

317
00:16:42,125 --> 00:16:44,125
Let's get you sorted, Ray, hey?

318
00:16:46,845 --> 00:16:48,725
If it was a dog, you'd put it down.

319
00:16:49,845 --> 00:16:50,845
It?

320
00:16:51,285 --> 00:16:52,965
I was sort of being nice, that...

321
00:16:54,285 --> 00:16:55,565
I feel sorry for him.

322
00:16:58,845 --> 00:17:00,845
Well, don't you ever
feel sorry for them?

323
00:17:02,125 --> 00:17:03,525
I worry when they cry.

324
00:17:05,605 --> 00:17:08,645
We say there's nothing going on
inside to make ourselves feel better,

325
00:17:08,725 --> 00:17:10,685
but there's definitely
something going on.

326
00:17:11,165 --> 00:17:12,165
Hey?

327
00:17:15,845 --> 00:17:16,925
You married?

328
00:17:18,845 --> 00:17:20,285
No time for that.

329
00:17:21,365 --> 00:17:22,925
I'll give you a good seeing to.

330
00:17:23,365 --> 00:17:24,365
I'm sorry.

331
00:17:24,725 --> 00:17:25,725
It's all right.

332
00:17:27,445 --> 00:17:29,085
Never heard any complaints.

333
00:17:30,245 --> 00:17:31,645
Kept the wife happy.

334
00:17:36,245 --> 00:17:37,605
I've gotta go.

335
00:17:40,165 --> 00:17:41,165
See you later.

336
00:17:41,445 --> 00:17:42,445
See you, Dad.

337
00:17:43,725 --> 00:17:45,045
Bring Lisa with you.

338
00:17:45,405 --> 00:17:46,445
Fuck me!

339
00:17:46,845 --> 00:17:48,005
Yeah, all right.

340
00:17:48,085 --> 00:17:49,445
Jesus Christ!

341
00:17:51,405 --> 00:17:52,405
Good girl.

342
00:17:59,365 --> 00:18:00,685
Ah, fuckin' hell.

343
00:18:03,685 --> 00:18:04,685
No bowls.
344
00:18:04,885 --> 00:18:06,565
Fuck's sake.

345
00:18:23,765 --> 00:18:26,125
No fuckin' milk!

346
00:18:48,565 --> 00:18:50,005
Don't wallow, hey?

347
00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:51,285
Stay active.

348
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,645
And keep our house tidy.

349
00:18:54,005 --> 00:18:55,085
Our lovely house.

350
00:18:56,805 --> 00:18:58,845
And don't get drunk
all the time, all right?

351
00:18:59,245 --> 00:19:01,485
'Cause it'll only make you
feel worse in the long run.

352
00:19:02,045 --> 00:19:03,125
I'm not a doctor,

353
00:19:03,205 --> 00:19:05,605
but I have spoken to loads of
'em over the last few months,

354
00:19:05,685 --> 00:19:09,765
and they all reckon it's not ideal
to be a fat, lazy, self-pitying lump.

355
00:19:12,045 --> 00:19:14,005
If you put the dishes
straight in the dishwasher,

356
00:19:14,085 --> 00:19:15,085
it don't build up.

357
00:19:15,565 --> 00:19:17,525
And change the salt every now and then.

358
00:19:17,605 --> 00:19:18,885
The salt's in the garage.

359
00:19:19,365 --> 00:19:22,045
The garage is that massive
thing on the side of the 'ouse.

360
00:19:28,685 --> 00:19:30,685
Oh, fuck's sake.

361
00:19:32,245 --> 00:19:33,445
You all right, yeah?

362
00:19:34,045 --> 00:19:35,245
I was worried about you.

363
00:19:35,685 --> 00:19:37,445
- Why?
- What do you mean, "why"?

364
00:19:37,525 --> 00:19:39,365
Because you always talk
about killing yourself.

365
00:19:40,085 --> 00:19:42,565
Also, you should be at work,
but you know I'll let that slide.

366
00:19:42,645 --> 00:19:45,445
Come to the pub. Me and
Len are going for lunch.

367
00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:46,805
No, I've had lunch.

368
00:19:46,885 --> 00:19:47,885
Come on.

369
00:19:48,005 --> 00:19:49,741
- We used to go to the pub all the time.
- No!

370
00:19:49,765 --> 00:19:52,205
Someone will make me angry,
and that's the day ruined.

371
00:19:52,285 --> 00:19:54,325
Yeah, I'll take that
chance, Bruce Banner.

372
00:19:54,845 --> 00:19:56,005
It'll do you good.

373
00:19:56,285 --> 00:19:58,525
Come on, please. All journalists
go to the pub for lunch.

374
00:19:58,565 --> 00:19:59,725
We're not journalists.

375
00:19:59,805 --> 00:20:01,725
We are journalists. We
work for a newspaper.

376
00:20:02,085 --> 00:20:05,125
Yeah, and that newspaper is
used to line cat litter trays

377
00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:06,925
by old ladies, once a week.

378
00:20:07,445 --> 00:20:09,005
And they read it before they do that.

379
00:20:09,085 --> 00:20:10,381
- We're not journalists.
- We are.

380
00:20:10,405 --> 00:20:11,821
- We're journalists.
- No, we're not.

381
00:20:11,845 --> 00:20:12,845
- Yes, we are.
- Not.

382
00:20:12,925 --> 00:20:14,285
- Stop saying that. We are.
- Not.

383
00:20:14,365 --> 00:20:15,805
Fuckin' hell!

384
00:20:15,885 --> 00:20:17,085
Can you hear that?

385
00:20:17,685 --> 00:20:21,605
Fuckin' fat cunt eating
like a fuckin' slug.

386
00:20:22,565 --> 00:20:25,085
- Doing my fuckin' head in.
- All right.

387
00:20:25,485 --> 00:20:27,205
Why don't you throw
yourself into your work?

388
00:20:27,245 --> 00:20:29,101
I can't concentrate with that...

389
00:20:29,125 --> 00:20:31,005
They're crisps. They're crunchy.

390
00:20:31,285 --> 00:20:33,445
But why does he have
to do all that "mm mmm"?

391
00:20:36,205 --> 00:20:37,245
Well, this is fun.

392
00:20:37,325 --> 00:20:38,325
Told you.

393
00:20:38,325 --> 00:20:39,765
You told me? Great.

394
00:20:40,125 --> 00:20:41,805
Always someone who
spoils it, ain't there?

395
00:20:41,845 --> 00:20:43,861
And do you think that might
be you on this occasion?

396
00:20:43,885 --> 00:20:45,005
No.

397
00:20:45,085 --> 00:20:47,725
Look, just ignore him, okay.

398
00:20:47,805 --> 00:20:50,285
As I was saying, why don't you
throw yourself into your work?

399
00:20:50,365 --> 00:20:52,725
It's what depressed
people do. Sometimes.

400
00:20:52,805 --> 00:20:55,485
It's hard for me to throw
myself into my work, when my work

401
00:20:55,565 --> 00:20:58,285
is often talking to a
plumber on the estate

402
00:20:58,365 --> 00:21:00,885
who's grown a potato that
looks like Lionel Richie.

403
00:21:00,965 --> 00:21:02,205
That made the front cover.

404
00:21:02,285 --> 00:21:03,445
It did look like him, though.

405
00:21:03,525 --> 00:21:04,725
Actually, this is a good time.

406
00:21:04,765 --> 00:21:06,485
We've got some exciting
leads at the moment.

407
00:21:06,525 --> 00:21:07,645
- Leads?
- Yeah.

408
00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:09,365
Like we're Woodward and Bernstein?

409
00:21:09,445 --> 00:21:10,901
- They are leads.
- Go on. What leads?

410
00:21:10,925 --> 00:21:12,565
- What "leads" do we have?
- All right.

411
00:21:12,645 --> 00:21:14,525
A woman called us, when
she drags her dustbin

412
00:21:14,605 --> 00:21:15,965
it sounds like Chewbacca.

413
00:21:18,365 --> 00:21:20,165
- No.
- No? All right.

414
00:21:20,245 --> 00:21:22,205
Woman on Blagden Road woke up Chinese.

415
00:21:24,245 --> 00:21:25,405
And she wasn't before.

416
00:21:26,325 --> 00:21:27,565
No, I get the angle.

417
00:21:27,645 --> 00:21:30,965
Man who got sent the same
birthday card five times.

418
00:21:31,045 --> 00:21:32,245
- Really?
- Really?

419
00:21:32,325 --> 00:21:34,605
- Yeah.
- Right, let's get to the bottom of that

420
00:21:34,685 --> 00:21:35,805
ASAP.

421
00:21:36,845 --> 00:21:38,285
Well, yes. Why don't you?

422
00:21:38,365 --> 00:21:39,805
'Cause that is your job.

423
00:21:39,885 --> 00:21:40,965
- I know.
- Yeah.

424
00:21:47,965 --> 00:21:49,245
Ring the doorbell.

425
00:21:54,125 --> 00:21:56,725
- You disgusting...
- I didn't wanna do it in his house.

426
00:21:56,805 --> 00:21:58,565
Go to the doctor.
You've got bowel cancer.

427
00:21:58,685 --> 00:21:59,685
- Hello.
- Don't come out.

428
00:21:59,690 --> 00:22:01,701
- This fat cunt's shat himself.
- Are you from the paper?

429
00:22:01,725 --> 00:22:03,085
Yeah. Leave him there for a while.

430
00:22:03,125 --> 00:22:04,365
You fuckin' pig.

431
00:22:10,565 --> 00:22:12,205
When I got the first one, I thought,

432
00:22:12,245 --> 00:22:14,325
"That's a nice card."

433
00:22:14,765 --> 00:22:16,285
And then I got the
second, and I thought,

434
00:22:16,286 --> 00:22:18,325
"Oh, that's funny. Two the same!"

435
00:22:18,645 --> 00:22:20,885
But then when I got the third,
436
00:22:21,325 --> 00:22:23,445
I thought, "Well, what
are the chances of that?"

437
00:22:23,525 --> 00:22:24,725
Astronomical.

438
00:22:24,805 --> 00:22:25,805
And then the fourth...

439
00:22:26,605 --> 00:22:27,605
Wow!

440
00:22:27,805 --> 00:22:28,805
Wow.

441
00:22:28,845 --> 00:22:30,765
But then, five... I mean,

442
00:22:30,845 --> 00:22:32,805
I bet that's never 'appened before.

443
00:22:32,885 --> 00:22:34,605
Not on record anyway.

444
00:22:35,165 --> 00:22:37,805
- Are you taking notes?
- Yeah, all in there.

445
00:22:39,365 --> 00:22:41,605
Is this going to be in
next week's newspaper?

446
00:22:42,005 --> 00:22:43,765
Yeah, we'll rush this through.

447
00:22:43,845 --> 00:22:44,845
Quite a scoop.

448
00:22:45,285 --> 00:22:47,805
My Denise would be tickled by this.

449
00:22:47,885 --> 00:22:49,125
It's my wife.
450
00:22:49,205 --> 00:22:51,125
She passed away last year.

451
00:22:52,365 --> 00:22:53,445
Light of my life.

452
00:22:54,325 --> 00:22:56,885
Anything that happens, I go to tell her.

453
00:22:56,965 --> 00:22:58,285
Then I remember.

454
00:22:59,205 --> 00:23:01,245
Nothing's as good if you don't share it.

455
00:23:02,525 --> 00:23:04,245
Still have my downs,

456
00:23:04,325 --> 00:23:08,325
but then life throws you these
interesting little things, doesn't it?

457
00:23:08,805 --> 00:23:10,525
You can't feel sorry for yourself.

458
00:23:11,205 --> 00:23:12,405
Got to keep going.

459
00:23:14,645 --> 00:23:15,685
Happy birthday.

460
00:23:16,445 --> 00:23:18,205
Oh. Thanks.

461
00:23:22,605 --> 00:23:24,285
Fuck's sake.

462
00:23:29,525 --> 00:23:32,205
Excuse me. Where's the dog food?

463
00:23:32,485 --> 00:23:33,885
It's by the cat food.

464
00:23:34,245 --> 00:23:35,605
Right, well...

465
00:23:35,685 --> 00:23:37,285
I've got another question then.

466
00:23:37,365 --> 00:23:38,645
Where's the cat food?

467
00:23:39,085 --> 00:23:41,045
Tinned products, aisle two.

468
00:23:41,725 --> 00:23:43,445
Cheers. Don't get up.

469
00:23:44,085 --> 00:23:45,085
Okay.

470
00:23:48,125 --> 00:23:49,605
- That everything?
- Yeah.

471
00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:51,205
Oh.

472
00:24:05,925 --> 00:24:08,045
All right, mate. You got any money?

473
00:24:11,245 --> 00:24:12,485
- Yeah.
- What?

474
00:24:15,445 --> 00:24:17,005
Yes, I've got money.

475
00:24:17,925 --> 00:24:19,045
Give it to me then.

476
00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:27,965
- Why?
- 'Cause I'll fuckin' kill you if you don't.

477
00:24:30,205 --> 00:24:31,645
Does that usually work, does it?

478
00:24:32,085 --> 00:24:33,405
To most people,

479
00:24:33,485 --> 00:24:38,485
the threat of death is worse
than giving you money, but...

480
00:24:38,565 --> 00:24:40,605
Or they're worried you'll
hurt their family or...

481
00:24:40,885 --> 00:24:42,165
I haven't got any family.

482
00:24:42,725 --> 00:24:45,605
I'm not gonna go into it, but I
don't care about anything anymore.

483
00:24:45,685 --> 00:24:46,845
I'm not giving you any money.

484
00:24:47,205 --> 00:24:48,245
Are you mental?

485
00:24:48,325 --> 00:24:51,525
No, I'm just tired of doing
things I don't wanna do,

486
00:24:51,605 --> 00:24:52,885
and we always have a choice.

487
00:24:52,965 --> 00:24:54,365
And if I've read this right,

488
00:24:54,845 --> 00:24:55,885
my choice

489
00:24:56,125 --> 00:24:57,205
is either violence

490
00:24:57,685 --> 00:24:59,845
or hand over my money peacefully

491
00:25:01,005 --> 00:25:02,685
to two useless little cunts.
492
00:25:03,365 --> 00:25:04,765
- Are you mad?
- No.

493
00:25:05,005 --> 00:25:07,125
Fuck off! Okay?

494
00:25:08,925 --> 00:25:10,805
Just fuck off.

495
00:25:45,525 --> 00:25:46,645
There you go.

496
00:25:46,725 --> 00:25:48,405
It's no one's fault what's happened.

497
00:25:48,485 --> 00:25:49,845
Don't go blaming the world.

498
00:25:50,245 --> 00:25:52,725
You know how grumpy you get
when things don't go your way.

499
00:25:53,245 --> 00:25:54,925
But you've got such a good heart.

500
00:25:55,485 --> 00:25:57,965
You're born like it. You can't
contrive it. You're just decent.

501
00:25:59,845 --> 00:26:01,485
I knew it, first time I met you.

502
00:26:02,205 --> 00:26:03,805
Hit me like a bolt of lightning.

503
00:26:07,285 --> 00:26:08,965
And I've loved you ever since.

504
00:26:10,005 --> 00:26:11,365
You fat twat!

505
00:26:28,365 --> 00:26:31,485
Oh, it's Sunday, you cuuunt!
506
00:26:31,565 --> 00:26:34,085
You're not a real vicar, I can tell.

507
00:26:34,165 --> 00:26:35,805
Oh, Tony!

508
00:26:35,885 --> 00:26:38,245
- Ah!
- Oh my God!

509
00:26:38,325 --> 00:26:39,925
- What?
- Why'd you do this to me?

510
00:26:39,965 --> 00:26:41,965
It's good for you. It
gets your heart going.

511
00:26:42,005 --> 00:26:44,605
- It gets your metabolism up.
- No! You...

512
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:03,000
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