1

00:00:11,965 --> 00:00:14,565

If you're watching this,
then I'm not around anymore.

2
00:00:14,645 --> 00:00:17,605
I couldn't say any of this to your face.
It's too embarrassing.

3
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:20,285
For you, not for me, obviously.

4
00:00:20,845 --> 00:00:23,085
You're never very good
at hearing how lovely you are.

5
00:00:23,445 --> 00:00:24,405
But you are.

6
00:00:24,485 --> 00:00:25,725
You are. You're lovely.

7
00:00:26,925 --> 00:00:29,005
But you're absolutely fucking useless.
[chuckling]

8
00:00:29,725 --> 00:00:32,885
So I thought I'd leave you
a little guide to life without me.

9
00:00:33,965 --> 00:00:35,965
You've gotta turn the alarm off
in the morning, yeah?

10
00:00:36,045 --> 00:00:37,565
If you open the door, it'll set it off,

11
00:00:37,645 --> 00:00:39,765
then the alarm company
think we're getting broken into.

12
00:00:40,245 --> 00:00:42,405
If you do set it off,
you've gotta ring 'em.

13
00:00:42,485 --> 00:00:46,325
The number's in your phone under "alarm."
The alarm code is 8645.

14
00:00:46,765 --> 00:00:47,845
That's your PIN code.

15
00:00:48,485 --> 00:00:49,525
You know this.

16
00:00:50,005 --> 00:00:53,165
And... put it on "perimeter,"
otherwise the dog will set it off.

17
00:00:53,685 --> 00:00:55,845
And feed the dog, yeah?

18
00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:58,285
First thing in the morning
and when you get in from work.

19
00:00:58,845 --> 00:01:00,165
-And what else?
-[panting]

20
00:01:00,405 --> 00:01:02,405
Gotta put the bins out Tuesday evenings.

21
00:01:02,485 --> 00:01:03,965
Black bin is household waste,

22
00:01:04,045 --> 00:01:05,245
green bin is recy-

23
00:01:06,245 --> 00:01:08,245
["Lovely Day" by Bill Withers]

24
00:01:13,525 --> 00:01:14,605
[sighs]

25
00:01:26,725 --> 00:01:29,645
♪ When I wake up in the morning, love ♪

26
00:01:31,845 --> 00:01:34,405
♪ And the sunlight hurts my eyes ♪

27
00:01:36,605 --> 00:01:39,125
♪ And something
without warning, love ♪

28
00:01:41,325 --> 00:01:43,605
♪ Bears heavy on my mind ♪

29
00:01:45,445 --> 00:01:47,245
♪ Then I look at you ♪

30
00:01:49,125 --> 00:01:51,925
♪ And the world's all right with me ♪

31
00:01:55,205 --> 00:01:56,725
♪ Just one look at you ♪

32
00:01:59,205 --> 00:02:00,725
♪ And I know it's gonna be ♪

33
00:02:04,085 --> 00:02:05,525
♪ A lovely day ♪

34
00:02:05,645 --> 00:02:09,805
♪ Lovely day, lovely day
Lovely day, lovely day ♪

35
00:02:09,885 --> 00:02:12,405
-♪ Lovely day, lovely day... ♪
-[sighs]

36
00:02:12,485 --> 00:02:14,645
♪ Lovely day, lovely day ♪

37
00:02:14,725 --> 00:02:19,645
♪ Lovely day, lovely day,
Lovely day, lovely day ♪

38
00:02:19,725 --> 00:02:24,205
♪ Lovely day, lovely day,
Lovely day, lovely day... ♪

39
00:02:27,125 --> 00:02:28,005
[exhales]

40
00:02:36,325 --> 00:02:37,245
Where's your bowl?
41
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:39,525
There it is.

42
00:02:42,925 --> 00:02:44,325
Oh, fuck!

43
00:02:49,405 --> 00:02:51,205
-No dog food.
-[whines]

44
00:02:52,285 --> 00:02:53,845
Baked beans or vegetable curry?

45
00:02:54,085 --> 00:02:54,925
[whines]

46
00:02:55,885 --> 00:02:56,805
Thought so.

47
00:02:58,045 --> 00:02:59,045
Oh, sorry.

48
00:02:59,925 --> 00:03:01,725
-I'll get you some real food later.
-[whines]

49
00:03:02,765 --> 00:03:03,885
[food sloshes]

50
00:03:14,085 --> 00:03:15,165
Fuckin' hell.

51
00:03:17,285 --> 00:03:18,805
Vegetable curry for me then.

52
00:03:20,245 --> 00:03:21,085
Oh!

53
00:03:25,925 --> 00:03:26,765
[sighs]

54
00:03:32,405 --> 00:03:34,125
[telephone rings]

55
00:03:34,205 --> 00:03:35,125
[keyboard clicks]

56
00:03:35,925 --> 00:03:37,445
.Hello.
-Hello.

57
00:03:37,925 --> 00:03:39,245
I'm starting here today.

58
00:03:39,325 --> 00:03:41,045
I'm starting work here today.

59
00:03:41,125 --> 00:03:42,885
Okay. Do you have a name?

60
00:03:43,085 --> 00:03:44,725
Yes. Sandy.

61
00:03:45,045 --> 00:03:47,005
No, I mean,
who are you meant to meet here?

62
00:03:47,605 --> 00:03:48,605
Who hired you?

63
00:03:48,685 --> 00:03:50,165
Oh. Mr. Braden.

64
00:03:54,005 --> 00:03:56,005
-[birds chirruping]
-[dog panting]

65
00:04:00,245 --> 00:04:02,125
[dog panting]

66
00:04:07,245 --> 00:04:08,325
Come here. Good girl.

67
00:04:09,765 --> 00:04:11,405
Your dog should be on a lead.

68
00:04:11,765 --> 00:04:13,285
-What?
-Dogs should be on a lead.
69
00:04:13,405 --> 00:04:15,485
Can't you read? The park's for everyone.

70
00:04:16,445 --> 00:04:17,525
Oh, right. Oh, sorry.

71
00:04:17,605 --> 00:04:18,965
Thank you. Come here, girl.

72
00:04:19,045 --> 00:04:19,885
Come here.

73
00:04:21,005 --> 00:04:24,885
What?! He is not a fat, hairy,
nosy cocksucker.

74
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:26,205
Bad girl, Brandy.

75
00:04:26,285 --> 00:04:27,605
Sorry about that.

76
00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:29,405
-Disgusting.
-See you later.

77
00:04:34,765 --> 00:04:36,005
[Brandy panting]

78
00:04:41,725 --> 00:04:42,965
[wistful music]

79
00:04:44,045 --> 00:04:46,045
[Brandy panting]

80
00:04:51,685 --> 00:04:52,925
Good girl.

81
00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:26,685
Right.

82
00:05:31,445 --> 00:05:32,765
I've gotta go to work.

83
00:05:33,445 --> 00:05:34,685
See you later.

84
00:05:36,045 --> 00:05:37,525
I'll bring you some food.

85
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,445
Good girl. Good girl.

86
00:05:39,525 --> 00:05:40,645
Good girl.

87
00:05:51,045 --> 00:05:52,165
Here you go.

88
00:05:52,245 --> 00:05:53,205
What?

89
00:05:53,845 --> 00:05:54,805
It's your post.

90
00:05:55,285 --> 00:05:56,325
Put it through the door.

91
00:05:56,925 --> 00:05:58,925
Well, you're here, so it saves me a trip.

92
00:06:00,045 --> 00:06:02,285
-I don't wanna walk with it, do I?
-Why not?

93
00:06:03,285 --> 00:06:04,445
You're new, aren't you?

94
00:06:04,525 --> 00:06:05,605
Yeah, I was transferred--

95
00:06:05,685 --> 00:06:06,925
No, I don't care.

96
00:06:07,205 --> 00:06:10,165
Presumably in your old round, you put
things through the door, didn't you?

97
00:06:10,245 --> 00:06:11,765
Mate, there's no need to get all lairy.

98
00:06:11,845 --> 00:06:14,005
-Why are you talking to me like this?
-Will you report me?

99
00:06:14,085 --> 00:06:15,565
Yeah. What's your name?

100
00:06:16,685 --> 00:06:17,525
You'll laugh.

101
00:06:17,605 --> 00:06:18,445
Trust me.

102
00:06:21,045 --> 00:06:21,885
It's Pat.

103
00:06:22,285 --> 00:06:23,165
Postman Pat?

104
00:06:23,245 --> 00:06:24,085
Yeah.

105
00:06:25,245 --> 00:06:26,525
Put it through the door.

106
00:06:36,005 --> 00:06:37,365
That was easy, wasn't it?

107
00:06:37,445 --> 00:06:39,245
-You could've done that.
-No, I couldn't.

108
00:06:39,325 --> 00:06:40,565
-Why not?
-I'm not a postman.

109
00:06:42,245 --> 00:06:43,085
Go on.

110
00:06:44,085 --> 00:06:46,085
[kids chattering and shouting]

111
00:06:52,725 --> 00:06:53,565
Hi, George.

112
00:06:54,405 --> 00:06:55,325
Hi.

113
00:06:55,725 --> 00:06:56,685
Who's that?

114
00:06:56,925 --> 00:06:57,805
He's my uncle.

115
00:06:58,685 --> 00:06:59,805
[boy] Pedo!

116
00:07:00,205 --> 00:07:01,045
[man] What?

117
00:07:01,125 --> 00:07:02,005
Pedo!

118
00:07:03,525 --> 00:07:04,685
I'm not a pedo.

119
00:07:04,765 --> 00:07:07,045
And if I was, you'd be safe,
you tubby, little ginger cunt.

120
00:07:07,125 --> 00:07:08,125
[mouthing]

121
00:07:08,205 --> 00:07:09,725
[children shouting]

122
00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:12,565
Welcome.

123
00:07:12,645 --> 00:07:13,725
Great to have you.

124
00:07:13,805 --> 00:07:16,325
I remember my first day,
and it is exciting, isn't it?

125
00:07:16,405 --> 00:07:18,165
-Yeah.
-Yeah. Great place to work, this.

126
00:07:18,245 --> 00:07:21,285
Very dynamic, lots of people
in and out all the time.

127
00:07:21,365 --> 00:07:23,365
Really excellent bunch of people.

128
00:07:24,245 --> 00:07:25,165
Hard working.

129
00:07:25,885 --> 00:07:28,765
It's very rewarding as well.
You get to go out into the community.

130
00:07:29,165 --> 00:07:32,605
And that can be anything
from local stories, you know,

131
00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:35,765
erm... entertainment, finance.

132
00:07:36,845 --> 00:07:37,885
So, yeah.

133
00:07:38,085 --> 00:07:39,445
Kath does the advertising.

134
00:07:39,765 --> 00:07:42,525
Be nice to her, and she might take you
to the opening of a new restaurant,

135
00:07:42,605 --> 00:07:44,285
give you a free meal. [laughs]

136
00:07:44,365 --> 00:07:46,245
Lenny does all the photography,

137
00:07:46,325 --> 00:07:47,725
so if you're interested in that...

138
00:07:47,805 --> 00:07:49,925
Everyone chips in on everything, really.

139
00:07:50,005 --> 00:07:52,365
So what kind of thing are you
interested in, would you say?

140
00:07:52,445 --> 00:07:53,965
Writing features.

141
00:07:54,045 --> 00:07:55,085
Perfect. That's great.

142
00:07:55,205 --> 00:07:56,565
You'll definitely do that here.

143
00:07:57,045 --> 00:07:59,045
Lots of features. Sky's the limit.

144
00:07:59,485 --> 00:08:00,325
Erm...

145
00:08:01,005 --> 00:08:02,605
Tony's the head of features.

146
00:08:02,685 --> 00:08:03,605
He's not here.

147
00:08:04,445 --> 00:08:05,605
He's a very good writer.

148
00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:08,325
Very smart, very experienced,
good guy. Erm...

149
00:08:10,605 --> 00:08:12,885
He's not himself at the minute,
to be honest.

150
00:08:13,245 --> 00:08:14,965
He's had a bit of bad news. Erm...

151
00:08:15,925 --> 00:08:18,085
His...err... Tony's my brother-in-law.

152
00:08:18,485 --> 00:08:21,245
Erm. He was married to my sister, Lisa,

153
00:08:22,045 --> 00:08:22,965
who died.

154
00:08:24,685 --> 00:08:25,565
Cancer.

155
00:08:27,405 --> 00:08:29,525
-[stuttering] Sorry.
-Yeah.

156
00:08:30,005 --> 00:08:32,005
And he was obviously devastated.

157
00:08:33,125 --> 00:08:34,245
Err... suicidal.

158
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:36,605
Right.

159
00:08:37,925 --> 00:08:39,885
I should warn you, he might...

160
00:08:39,965 --> 00:08:41,965
say a few things that are a bit...

161
00:08:42,325 --> 00:08:43,245
err...

162
00:08:43,485 --> 00:08:44,325
brutal...

163
00:08:45,045 --> 00:08:48,205
at times, so, you know,
don't take it personally.

164
00:08:48,805 --> 00:08:51,205
I mean, you will be
working closely with him.

165
00:08:52,565 --> 00:08:53,405
Anyway, err...

166
00:08:53,685 --> 00:08:55,165
-have fun.
-[laughs nervously]
167
00:08:56,765 --> 00:08:57,685
Thanks.

168
00:08:58,925 --> 00:08:59,805
So, how are you?

169
00:09:01,005 --> 00:09:02,005
Same.

170
00:09:02,725 --> 00:09:03,885
Bad then?

171
00:09:04,125 --> 00:09:06,165
I've honestly nothing
to compare it to anymore.

172
00:09:06,605 --> 00:09:08,685
But I guess a good day

173
00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:10,565
is when I don't go around

174
00:09:10,645 --> 00:09:12,845
wanting to shoot random strangers
in the face

175
00:09:12,925 --> 00:09:14,525
and then turn the gun on myself.

176
00:09:15,525 --> 00:09:16,445
[tuts]

177
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:19,885
[laughs under breath]

178
00:09:21,045 --> 00:09:22,445
One of my clients

179
00:09:22,965 --> 00:09:25,565
fantasizes about killing his ex-wife...

180
00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:28,045
[whispering] ...when he's masturbating.

181
00:09:28,805 --> 00:09:30,045
Why are you telling me that?

182
00:09:30,125 --> 00:09:31,205
I didn't say his name.

183
00:09:31,285 --> 00:09:32,805
No, I know, but...

184
00:09:32,885 --> 00:09:33,765
how does that help me?

185
00:09:33,845 --> 00:09:34,925
[sighs deeply]

186
00:09:35,445 --> 00:09:36,565
I dunno.

187
00:09:37,485 --> 00:09:40,245
I guess to let you know
you're not the only one.

188
00:09:41,125 --> 00:09:41,965
Only what?

189
00:09:42,045 --> 00:09:43,845
Well, the only mental case out there.

190
00:09:44,565 --> 00:09:45,845
I mean, y'know...

191
00:09:47,245 --> 00:09:49,405
the only guy with mental problems.

192
00:09:49,925 --> 00:09:51,525
-I've got problems.
-Go on.

193
00:09:51,605 --> 00:09:53,285
[scoffs] God, man, where do I start?

194
00:09:53,925 --> 00:09:56,045
Maybe start with me, as I'm paying, but...

195
00:10:00,005 --> 00:10:01,365
-Morning.
-Morning.

196
00:10:01,925 --> 00:10:04,645
Terrible, isn't it? Scarred for life.

197
00:10:05,445 --> 00:10:06,965
Hardly scarred for life.

198
00:10:07,045 --> 00:10:08,245
She's 93.

199
00:10:08,805 --> 00:10:11,525
If she lives to 100, she's only been
scarred for seven percent of her life.

200
00:10:21,165 --> 00:10:22,165
[woman] You're late.

201
00:10:22,725 --> 00:10:23,605
You're boring.

202
00:10:23,925 --> 00:10:24,925
You're joking, aren't you?

203
00:10:25,005 --> 00:10:26,685
I wasn't, but go on. What have you got?

204
00:10:26,925 --> 00:10:28,245
It's distribution day.

205
00:10:28,325 --> 00:10:31,325
No, I mean, why would you think
I was joking about you being boring?

206
00:10:31,405 --> 00:10:33,925
Have you got a... counterargument or...

207
00:10:35,485 --> 00:10:38,045
-Why do you let him get away with this?
-I don't. [stuttering]

208
00:10:38,125 --> 00:10:39,685
Tony, come on. What's going on?

209
00:10:40,565 --> 00:10:43,285
We're putting out a free local newspaper
that no one cares about.

210
00:10:43,365 --> 00:10:45,245
No, that's not true.

211
00:10:45,325 --> 00:10:47,085
And that's not wh--
Can you come in my office?

212
00:10:47,445 --> 00:10:48,285
[Tony] Sure.

213
00:10:48,365 --> 00:10:51,485
A lot of people rely on our paper.
Not everyone's on Twitter, are they?

214
00:10:52,165 --> 00:10:53,445
Back to work, everyone.

215
00:10:55,965 --> 00:10:57,005
What do you want me to say?

216
00:10:57,085 --> 00:11:00,445
That I'm sorry, and I'll buck my ideas up?
'Cause I won't. 'Cause there's no point.

217
00:11:01,125 --> 00:11:03,205
Look, Tony, I know that you've had issues,

218
00:11:03,285 --> 00:11:05,485
-okay, since you lost Lisa.
-Do you reckon...

219
00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:07,165
my wife dying affected me a bit?

220
00:11:07,245 --> 00:11:10,045
Of course, and you know I get that.
I even told Sandy about it.

221
00:11:10,285 --> 00:11:12,485
-Who's Sandy?
-The new girl.

222
00:11:12,565 --> 00:11:14,325
I didn't want her thinking
this is a madhouse.

223
00:11:14,725 --> 00:11:16,285
I had to say something.

224
00:11:16,925 --> 00:11:19,485
Look, I just need a bit of professionalism
around here, okay, Tony.

225
00:11:19,565 --> 00:11:20,485
-Please?
-No.

226
00:11:20,565 --> 00:11:22,125
I shouldn't have to explain this to you.

227
00:11:22,205 --> 00:11:24,045
You can't just go around
being rude to people.

228
00:11:24,125 --> 00:11:24,965
You can, though.

229
00:11:25,445 --> 00:11:26,605
That's the beauty of it.

230
00:11:27,045 --> 00:11:29,885
There's no advantage
to being nice and thoughtful

231
00:11:29,965 --> 00:11:32,005
and caring and having integrity.

232
00:11:32,085 --> 00:11:33,925
It's a disadvantage, if anything.

233
00:11:34,005 --> 00:11:36,645
Well, if you carry on like this,
I might have to let you go.

234
00:11:36,725 --> 00:11:37,605
No, you won't.

235
00:11:38,205 --> 00:11:40,645
You won't, that's what I'm saying,
'cause you're a nice bloke.

236
00:11:40,725 --> 00:11:42,685
So I'll take advantage of you,

237
00:11:42,765 --> 00:11:44,045
like everyone else does here.

238
00:11:44,125 --> 00:11:45,805
-You'll warn me. I'll ignore it.
-What?

239
00:11:45,885 --> 00:11:47,725
You'll give me another warning.
I'll ignore it.

240
00:11:47,805 --> 00:11:49,445
I'll carry on doing what the fuck I want.

241
00:11:49,525 --> 00:11:51,885
Eventually you'll give up, and I'll win.

242
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:54,445
The girls here have discovered

243
00:11:54,525 --> 00:11:57,485
that you won't even question
"women's problems."

244
00:11:57,565 --> 00:11:59,405
Kath's had three periods this month.

245
00:11:59,485 --> 00:12:01,685
She likes Fridays off. You do nothing.

246
00:12:01,765 --> 00:12:04,165
She gets away with it
'cause she's an arsehole.

247
00:12:04,245 --> 00:12:06,685
So, I thought, right,
let's have a bit of that.

248
00:12:06,765 --> 00:12:07,845
Why would you wanna do that?
249
00:12:07,925 --> 00:12:10,205
Why wouldn't you just rather
get better and be happy?

250
00:12:10,285 --> 00:12:12,365
There's only one thing
that'd make me better and happy,

251
00:12:12,445 --> 00:12:14,965
and that's Lisa being around,
and that can't happen.

252
00:12:15,045 --> 00:12:17,805
So that's why I nearly killed myself
straight away.

253
00:12:17,885 --> 00:12:20,485
Right, okay, but you didn't
kill yourself, did you?

254
00:12:20,845 --> 00:12:23,685
So, clearly, you know,
something made you stop.

255
00:12:23,765 --> 00:12:25,125
The look on the dog's face.

256
00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:28,085
She was hungry,
so I thought I'd better feed her.

257
00:12:28,365 --> 00:12:29,845
It gave me time to think,

258
00:12:29,925 --> 00:12:31,165
"I should be dead now."

259
00:12:31,245 --> 00:12:32,165
I didn't care.

260
00:12:32,245 --> 00:12:33,685
So, everything's a bonus.

261
00:12:34,685 --> 00:12:36,205
If I become an arsehole,
262
00:12:36,285 --> 00:12:39,005
and I do and say what the fuck I want

263
00:12:39,085 --> 00:12:40,445
for as long as I want,

264
00:12:40,525 --> 00:12:42,045
and then when it all gets too much,

265
00:12:42,125 --> 00:12:43,445
I can always kill myself.

266
00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:44,965
It's like a superpower.

267
00:12:45,205 --> 00:12:47,605
That's the worst superhero
I've ever heard of.

268
00:12:48,525 --> 00:12:49,685
That's the way it is now.

269
00:12:49,765 --> 00:12:50,845
[Braden] So what? So...

270
00:12:50,925 --> 00:12:51,805
[sighs]

271
00:12:52,245 --> 00:12:55,845
My job now is to make you happy
before you kill yourself?

272
00:12:55,925 --> 00:12:58,605
That's like a constant ticking clock
for me now, is it?

273
00:12:58,685 --> 00:12:59,725
If you like.

274
00:12:59,805 --> 00:13:01,085
Well, I don't like.

275
00:13:01,165 --> 00:13:03,205
Anyway, that's the way it is.
276
00:13:03,645 --> 00:13:05,565
[Braden] Okay, well,
I'm glad we had this chat.

277
00:13:05,645 --> 00:13:07,085
[Tony] Yeah, very constructive.

278
00:13:08,725 --> 00:13:09,845
All right, erm...

279
00:13:10,645 --> 00:13:12,645
So this is... This is Sandy.

280
00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:16,165
She's just started today.
It's her first day, erm, so, Tony,

281
00:13:16,245 --> 00:13:18,205
she's gonna be working under you.
If you could...

282
00:13:18,285 --> 00:13:19,885
show her the ropes, tell her what's what.

283
00:13:21,645 --> 00:13:23,325
Here's what's what...

284
00:13:23,725 --> 00:13:25,165
humanity is a plague.

285
00:13:25,245 --> 00:13:29,165
We're a disgusting, narcissistic,
selfish parasite,

286
00:13:29,445 --> 00:13:31,525
and the world would be
a better place without us.

287
00:13:31,605 --> 00:13:33,805
It should be everyone's moral duty
to kill themselves.

288
00:13:33,885 --> 00:13:36,445
I could do it now.
Quite happily just go upstairs,
289
00:13:36,525 --> 00:13:37,765
jump off the roof,

290
00:13:37,845 --> 00:13:40,325
and make sure I landed
on some cunt from accounts.

291
00:13:41,005 --> 00:13:42,485
That the sort of thing...

292
00:13:43,565 --> 00:13:44,605
you meant?

293
00:13:44,685 --> 00:13:45,685
No.

294
00:13:46,605 --> 00:13:47,965
Just, erm... ignore that.

295
00:13:48,445 --> 00:13:50,765
Lenny, can you show Sandy the ropes?

296
00:13:50,845 --> 00:13:51,845
Sure thing.

297
00:13:51,925 --> 00:13:53,725
[Braden] Gotta get the papers out.
Thank you.

298
00:13:53,805 --> 00:13:56,045
-[Tony] You showing her the ropes, yeah?
-[Lenny] Big time.

299
00:13:56,165 --> 00:13:57,405
Can I guess the bullet points?

300
00:13:59,125 --> 00:14:00,005
Get in.

301
00:14:00,845 --> 00:14:02,045
Eat in front of the computer.

302
00:14:02,285 --> 00:14:03,125
Go to the pub.
303
00:14:03,205 --> 00:14:04,485
Eat in front of the quiz machine.

304
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:05,725
Go home.

305
00:14:05,805 --> 00:14:07,125
Eat in front of the telly.

306
00:14:07,445 --> 00:14:09,205
Go to bed. I assume you eat in bed?

307
00:14:09,605 --> 00:14:11,565
I have emergency snacks nearby, yeah.

308
00:14:15,805 --> 00:14:17,245
[sighs] I've gotta go.

309
00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:20,045
Want me to bring you
more doughnuts, fat boy?

310
00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:21,125
[Lenny] Yes, please.

311
00:14:26,125 --> 00:14:28,205
Do you mind him talking to you like that?

312
00:14:28,525 --> 00:14:29,485
Nah, he's a mate.

313
00:14:30,005 --> 00:14:31,205
It distracts him.

314
00:14:32,445 --> 00:14:34,845
You don't take any shit off him,
all right?

315
00:14:35,205 --> 00:14:37,805
I don't, 'cause I'm not weak like him.

316
00:14:38,685 --> 00:14:39,965
-[Braden] Julian?
-[Julian] Yeah.
317
00:14:40,125 --> 00:14:41,765
[Braden] We've had a few calls
from people

318
00:14:41,845 --> 00:14:44,405
saying that their building didn't get
any papers delivered.

319
00:14:44,485 --> 00:14:45,525
[Julian] Ah.

320
00:14:45,605 --> 00:14:47,765
Okay, look, that's weird
'cause I definitely

321
00:14:47,845 --> 00:14:48,965
delivered them all.

322
00:14:49,765 --> 00:14:52,965
You know you've got to ring a buzzer
to get into the actual building?

323
00:14:53,045 --> 00:14:54,365
You can't just leave them outside.

324
00:14:54,445 --> 00:14:57,045
A lot of the old people can't get
up and down the stairs or go out.

325
00:14:57,125 --> 00:14:58,325
Yeah, I know that, boss.

326
00:14:58,405 --> 00:15:00,405
I will be extra careful with these.

327
00:15:01,765 --> 00:15:02,605
Okay.

328
00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:05,525
[clears throat] Can I get paid now?

329
00:15:08,885 --> 00:15:10,325
You will do a good job, won't you?

330
00:15:10,405 --> 00:15:11,845
You can trust me, yeah.

331
00:15:12,805 --> 00:15:14,485
-[Braden] Thirty-five pounds, right?
-Yeah.

332
00:15:14,845 --> 00:15:15,885
[Julian] All right. Cheers.

333
00:15:15,965 --> 00:15:16,925
[Braden] Okay.

334
00:15:26,245 --> 00:15:27,325
Hot date?

335
00:15:29,525 --> 00:15:30,445
Sorry, what?

336
00:15:31,005 --> 00:15:32,005
Just saw you washing

337
00:15:32,325 --> 00:15:34,085
in a puddle from a drain,

338
00:15:34,165 --> 00:15:36,245
and I wondered
if it was a special occasion.

339
00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:37,805
Not really, no.

340
00:15:38,925 --> 00:15:42,085
Gonna buy drugs with that
and dump the papers in the skip?

341
00:15:43,365 --> 00:15:44,205
Well,

342
00:15:44,285 --> 00:15:46,685
I should probably dump them first,
then buy the drugs.

343
00:15:46,765 --> 00:15:48,765
I'll forget otherwise, won't I?
344
00:16:19,365 --> 00:16:20,525
Where's Lisa?

345
00:16:23,245 --> 00:16:24,445
She's dead, Dad.

346
00:16:25,365 --> 00:16:26,325
Remember?

347
00:16:27,125 --> 00:16:28,485
She died earlier this year.

348
00:16:29,925 --> 00:16:31,525
She was here this morning.

349
00:16:32,605 --> 00:16:33,805
No, she wasn't.

350
00:16:35,965 --> 00:16:36,805
[nurse] Hi.

351
00:16:37,525 --> 00:16:38,365
Hi.

352
00:16:39,325 --> 00:16:40,485
[nurse] Right.

353
00:16:42,205 --> 00:16:44,205
Let's get you sorted, Ray, hey?

354
00:16:46,925 --> 00:16:48,805
If it was a dog, you'd put it down.

355
00:16:49,925 --> 00:16:50,805
It?

356
00:16:51,365 --> 00:16:53,045
I was sort of being nice, that...

357
00:16:54,365 --> 00:16:55,645
I feel sorry for him.

358
00:16:58,925 --> 00:17:00,925
Well, don't you ever feel sorry for them?
359
00:17:02,205 --> 00:17:03,605
I worry when they cry.

360
00:17:05,685 --> 00:17:08,725
We say there's nothing going on inside
to make ourselves feel better,

361
00:17:08,805 --> 00:17:10,765
but there's definitely something going on.

362
00:17:11,245 --> 00:17:12,085
Hey?

363
00:17:15,925 --> 00:17:17,005
You married?

364
00:17:18,925 --> 00:17:20,365
No time for that. [chuckles]

365
00:17:21,445 --> 00:17:23,005
I'll give you a good seeing to.

366
00:17:23,445 --> 00:17:24,365
I'm sorry.

367
00:17:24,805 --> 00:17:25,725
It's all right.

368
00:17:27,525 --> 00:17:29,165
Never heard any complaints.

369
00:17:30,325 --> 00:17:31,725
Kept the wife happy.

370
00:17:36,325 --> 00:17:37,685
I've gotta go.

371
00:17:40,245 --> 00:17:41,165
See you later.

372
00:17:41,525 --> 00:17:42,485
See you, Dad.

373
00:17:43,805 --> 00:17:45,125
Bring Lisa with you.

374
00:17:45,485 --> 00:17:46,525
[Tony] Fuck me!

375
00:17:46,925 --> 00:17:48,085
Yeah, all right.

376
00:17:48,165 --> 00:17:49,525
Jesus Christ!

377
00:17:51,485 --> 00:17:52,325
[Tony] Good girl.

378
00:17:53,725 --> 00:17:55,005
[huffs]

379
00:17:59,445 --> 00:18:00,765
Ah, fuckin' hell.

380
00:18:03,765 --> 00:18:04,765
No bowls.

381
00:18:04,965 --> 00:18:06,645
Fuck's sake.

382
00:18:06,725 --> 00:18:07,885
[huffs]

383
00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:21,565
[packet thuds]

384
00:18:23,845 --> 00:18:26,205
[curses under breath]
No fuckin' milk!

385
00:18:48,645 --> 00:18:50,085
[Lisa] Don't wallow, hey?

386
00:18:50,165 --> 00:18:51,365
Stay active.

387
00:18:52,045 --> 00:18:53,725
And keep our house tidy.
388
00:18:54,085 --> 00:18:55,165
Our lovely house.

389
00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:58,925
And don't get drunk all the time,
all right?

390
00:18:59,325 --> 00:19:01,565
'Cause it'll only make you feel worse
in the long run.

391
00:19:02,125 --> 00:19:03,205
I'm not a doctor,

392
00:19:03,285 --> 00:19:05,685
but I have spoken to loads of 'em
over the last few months,

393
00:19:05,765 --> 00:19:09,845
and they all reckon it's not ideal
to be a fat, lazy, self-pitying lump.

394
00:19:12,125 --> 00:19:14,085
If you put the dishes
straight in the dishwasher,

395
00:19:14,165 --> 00:19:15,085
it don't build up.

396
00:19:15,645 --> 00:19:17,605
And change the salt every now and then.

397
00:19:17,685 --> 00:19:18,965
The salt's in the garage.

398
00:19:19,445 --> 00:19:22,125
The garage is that massive thing
on the side of the 'ouse.

399
00:19:23,925 --> 00:19:24,845
[door bell rings]

400
00:19:26,925 --> 00:19:27,885
[sighs]
401
00:19:28,765 --> 00:19:30,765
[under breath] Oh, fuck's sake.

402
00:19:32,325 --> 00:19:33,525
You all right, yeah?

403
00:19:34,125 --> 00:19:35,325
I was worried about you.

404
00:19:35,765 --> 00:19:37,525
-Why?
-What do you mean, "why"?

405
00:19:37,605 --> 00:19:39,365
Because you always talk about
killing yourself.

406
00:19:40,165 --> 00:19:42,645
Also, you should be at work,
but you know I'll let that slide.

407
00:19:42,725 --> 00:19:43,565
[huffs]

408
00:19:43,645 --> 00:19:45,485
Come to the pub.
Me and Len are going for lunch.

409
00:19:45,565 --> 00:19:46,885
No, I've had lunch.

410
00:19:46,965 --> 00:19:47,805
Come on.

411
00:19:48,085 --> 00:19:49,765
-We used to go to the pub all the time.
-No!

412
00:19:49,845 --> 00:19:52,285
Someone will make me angry,
and that's the day ruined.

413
00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:54,405
Yeah, I'll take that chance, Bruce Banner.

414
00:19:54,925 --> 00:19:56,085
It'll do you good.

415
00:19:56,365 --> 00:19:58,565
Come on, please.
All journalists go to the pub for lunch.

416
00:19:58,645 --> 00:19:59,805
We're not journalists.

417
00:19:59,885 --> 00:20:01,805
We are journalists.
We work for a newspaper.

418
00:20:02,165 --> 00:20:05,205
Yeah, and that newspaper
is used to line cat litter trays

419
00:20:05,285 --> 00:20:07,005
by old ladies, once a week.

420
00:20:07,525 --> 00:20:09,085
And they read it before they do that.

421
00:20:09,165 --> 00:20:10,405
-We're not journalists.
-We are.

422
00:20:10,485 --> 00:20:11,845
-We're journalists.
-No, we're not.

423
00:20:11,925 --> 00:20:12,925
-Yes, we are.
-Not.

424
00:20:13,005 --> 00:20:14,365
-Stop saying that. We are.
-Not.

425
00:20:14,445 --> 00:20:15,885
-Fuckin' hell!
-[loud crunching]

426
00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:17,165
Can you hear that?
427
00:20:17,765 --> 00:20:21,685
Fuckin' fat cunt
eating like a fuckin' slug.

428
00:20:22,645 --> 00:20:25,165
-Doing my fuckin' head in.
-[Braden] All right.

429
00:20:25,565 --> 00:20:27,245
Why don't you throw yourself
into your work?

430
00:20:27,325 --> 00:20:29,085
-I can't concentrate with that--
-[crunching]

431
00:20:29,205 --> 00:20:31,085
[Braden] They're crisps. They're crunchy.

432
00:20:31,365 --> 00:20:33,525
But why does he have to do all that
"mm mmm"?

433
00:20:36,285 --> 00:20:37,325
Well, this is fun.

434
00:20:37,405 --> 00:20:38,325
Told you.

435
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:39,845
You told me? Great.

436
00:20:40,205 --> 00:20:41,845
Always someone who spoils it, ain't there?

437
00:20:41,925 --> 00:20:43,885
And do you think that might be you
on this occasion?

438
00:20:43,965 --> 00:20:45,085
-No.
-[loud crunching]

439
00:20:45,165 --> 00:20:47,805
-[Tony sighs]
-Look, just ignore him, okay.
440
00:20:47,885 --> 00:20:50,365
As I was saying, why don't you
throw yourself into your work?

441
00:20:50,445 --> 00:20:51,845
It's what depressed people do.

442
00:20:51,925 --> 00:20:52,805
Sometimes.

443
00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:55,565
It's hard for me to throw myself
into my work, when my work

444
00:20:55,645 --> 00:20:58,365
is often talking to a plumber
on the estate

445
00:20:58,445 --> 00:21:00,965
who's grown a potato
that looks like Lionel Richie.

446
00:21:01,045 --> 00:21:02,285
That made the front cover.

447
00:21:02,365 --> 00:21:03,525
It did look like him, though.

448
00:21:03,605 --> 00:21:04,765
Actually, this is a good time.

449
00:21:04,845 --> 00:21:06,525
We've got some exciting leads
at the moment.

450
00:21:06,605 --> 00:21:07,725
-Leads?
-Yeah.

451
00:21:07,805 --> 00:21:09,445
Like we're Woodward and Bernstein?

452
00:21:09,525 --> 00:21:10,925
-They are leads.
-Go on. What leads?
453
00:21:11,005 --> 00:21:12,645
-What "leads" do we have?
-All right.

454
00:21:12,725 --> 00:21:14,605
A woman called us,
when she drags her dustbin

455
00:21:14,685 --> 00:21:16,045
it sounds like Chewbacca.

456
00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:20,245
-No.
-No? All right.

457
00:21:20,325 --> 00:21:22,285
Woman on Blagden Road woke up Chinese.

458
00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:25,485
And she wasn't before.

459
00:21:26,405 --> 00:21:27,645
No, I get the angle.

460
00:21:27,725 --> 00:21:31,045
Man who got sent
the same birthday card five times.

461
00:21:31,125 --> 00:21:32,325
-Really?
-[Tony] Really?

462
00:21:32,405 --> 00:21:34,685
-[Braden] Yeah.
-Right, let's get to the bottom of that

463
00:21:34,765 --> 00:21:35,885
ASAP.

464
00:21:36,925 --> 00:21:38,365
[Braden] Well, yes. Why don't you?

465
00:21:38,445 --> 00:21:39,885
'Cause that is your job.
466
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:41,045
-I know.
-Yeah.

467
00:21:48,045 --> 00:21:49,325
[Tony] Ring the doorbell.

468
00:21:50,245 --> 00:21:51,645
[doorbell rings]

469
00:21:54,205 --> 00:21:55,085
You disgusting--

470
00:21:55,165 --> 00:21:56,805
[Lenny] I didn't wanna do it
in his house.

471
00:21:56,885 --> 00:21:58,645
Go to the doctor.
You've got bowel cancer.

472
00:21:58,765 --> 00:22:00,165
-Hello.
-Don't come out. This fat cunt's

473
00:22:00,245 --> 00:22:01,725
-shat himself.
-Are you from the paper?

474
00:22:01,805 --> 00:22:03,125
Yeah. Leave him there for a while.

475
00:22:03,205 --> 00:22:04,445
You fuckin' pig.

476
00:22:07,245 --> 00:22:08,525
[camera clicks]

477
00:22:10,645 --> 00:22:12,245
[man] When I got the first one,
I thought,

478
00:22:12,325 --> 00:22:14,405
"That's a nice card."

479
00:22:14,845 --> 00:22:18,405
And then I got the second, and I thought,
"Oh, that's funny. Two the same!" [laughs]

480
00:22:18,725 --> 00:22:20,965
[chuckling] But then when I got the third,

481
00:22:21,405 --> 00:22:23,525
I thought,
"Well, what are the chances of that?"

482
00:22:23,605 --> 00:22:24,805
Astronomical.

483
00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:25,845
And then the fourth...

484
00:22:26,685 --> 00:22:27,525
Wow!

485
00:22:27,885 --> 00:22:28,845
[Tony, whispers] Wow.

486
00:22:28,925 --> 00:22:30,845
[man] But then, five... I mean,

487
00:22:30,925 --> 00:22:32,885
I bet that's never 'appened before.

488
00:22:32,965 --> 00:22:34,685
Not on record anyway.

489
00:22:35,245 --> 00:22:37,885
-[man] Are you taking notes?
-Yeah, all in there.

490
00:22:39,445 --> 00:22:41,685
Is this going to be
in next week's newspaper?

491
00:22:42,085 --> 00:22:43,845
Yeah, we'll rush this through.

492
00:22:43,925 --> 00:22:44,805
Quite a scoop.
493
00:22:45,365 --> 00:22:47,885
My Denise would be tickled by this.

494
00:22:47,965 --> 00:22:49,205
It's my wife.

495
00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:51,205
She passed away last year.

496
00:22:52,445 --> 00:22:53,525
Light of my life.

497
00:22:54,405 --> 00:22:55,285
Anything that happens,

498
00:22:55,365 --> 00:22:56,965
I go to tell her.

499
00:22:57,045 --> 00:22:58,365
Then I remember.

500
00:22:59,285 --> 00:23:01,325
Nothing's as good if you don't share it.

501
00:23:02,605 --> 00:23:04,325
Still have my downs,

502
00:23:04,405 --> 00:23:08,405
but then life throws you these
interesting little things, doesn't it?

503
00:23:08,885 --> 00:23:10,605
You can't feel sorry for yourself.

504
00:23:11,285 --> 00:23:12,485
Got to keep going.

505
00:23:14,725 --> 00:23:15,765
Happy birthday.

506
00:23:16,525 --> 00:23:18,285
Oh. Thanks.

507
00:23:22,685 --> 00:23:24,365
[Tony, under breath] Fuck's sake.

508
00:23:29,605 --> 00:23:32,285
Excuse me. Where's the dog food?

509
00:23:32,565 --> 00:23:33,965
It's by the cat food.

510
00:23:34,325 --> 00:23:35,685
[Tony] Right, well...

511
00:23:35,765 --> 00:23:37,365
I've got another question then.

512
00:23:37,445 --> 00:23:38,725
Where's the cat food?

513
00:23:39,165 --> 00:23:41,125
Tinned products, aisle two.

514
00:23:41,805 --> 00:23:43,525
Cheers. Don't get up.

515
00:23:44,165 --> 00:23:45,045
Okay.

516
00:23:48,205 --> 00:23:49,685
-[cashier] That everything?
-Yeah.

517
00:23:49,925 --> 00:23:51,285
-Oh.
-[scanner beeps]

518
00:23:54,645 --> 00:23:55,965
[birds twittering]

519
00:23:56,045 --> 00:23:57,205
[footsteps]

520
00:24:06,005 --> 00:24:08,125
[thug] All right, mate. You got any money?

521
00:24:09,005 --> 00:24:09,845
[Tony sighs]
522
00:24:11,325 --> 00:24:12,565
-Yeah.
-What?

523
00:24:15,525 --> 00:24:17,085
Yes, I've got money.

524
00:24:18,005 --> 00:24:19,125
Give it to me then.

525
00:24:25,085 --> 00:24:25,925
Why?

526
00:24:26,005 --> 00:24:28,045
'Cause I'll fuckin' kill you if you don't.

527
00:24:30,285 --> 00:24:31,725
Does that usually work, does it?

528
00:24:32,165 --> 00:24:33,485
To most people,

529
00:24:33,565 --> 00:24:36,885
the threat of death
is worse than giving you money,

530
00:24:37,645 --> 00:24:38,565
but...

531
00:24:38,645 --> 00:24:40,685
Or they're worried
you'll hurt their family or...

532
00:24:40,965 --> 00:24:42,245
I haven't got any family.

533
00:24:42,805 --> 00:24:45,685
I'm not gonna go into it,
but I don't care about anything anymore.

534
00:24:45,765 --> 00:24:46,885
I'm not giving you any money.

535
00:24:47,285 --> 00:24:48,325
Are you mental?

536
00:24:48,405 --> 00:24:51,605
No, I'm just tired of doing things
I don't wanna do,

537
00:24:51,685 --> 00:24:52,965
and we always have a choice.

538
00:24:53,045 --> 00:24:54,445
And if I've read this right,

539
00:24:54,925 --> 00:24:55,965
my choice

540
00:24:56,205 --> 00:24:57,285
is either violence

541
00:24:57,765 --> 00:24:59,925
or hand over my money peacefully

542
00:25:01,085 --> 00:25:02,765
to two useless little cunts.

543
00:25:03,445 --> 00:25:04,725
-Are you mad? [grunts]
-[Tony] No.

544
00:25:05,085 --> 00:25:07,205
-Fuck off! Okay?
-[thug groans]

545
00:25:09,005 --> 00:25:10,885
Just fuck off.

546
00:25:11,365 --> 00:25:12,205
[thug coughs]

547
00:25:16,565 --> 00:25:18,405
[thug coughing]

548
00:25:20,245 --> 00:25:21,085
[door shuts]

549
00:25:25,005 --> 00:25:26,565
[Brandy panting]

550
00:25:38,005 --> 00:25:39,925
[can opening]

551
00:25:45,605 --> 00:25:46,725
There you go.

552
00:25:46,805 --> 00:25:48,485
[Lisa] It's no one's fault
what's happened.

553
00:25:48,565 --> 00:25:49,925
Don't go blaming the world.

554
00:25:50,325 --> 00:25:52,805
You know how grumpy you get
when things don't go your way.

555
00:25:53,325 --> 00:25:55,005
But you've got such a good heart.

556
00:25:55,565 --> 00:25:58,045
You're born like it.
You can't contrive it. You're just decent.

557
00:25:59,925 --> 00:26:01,565
I knew it, first time I met you.

558
00:26:02,285 --> 00:26:03,885
Hit me like a bolt of lightning.

559
00:26:05,005 --> 00:26:05,845
[sighs]

560
00:26:07,365 --> 00:26:09,045
And I've loved you ever since.

561
00:26:10,085 --> 00:26:11,445
[sighs] You fat twat!

562
00:26:13,165 --> 00:26:15,845
[keyboard clicking]

563
00:26:25,085 --> 00:26:27,165
-[klaxon honks]
-[screaming]

564
00:26:27,245 --> 00:26:28,365
[Tony laughing]

565
00:26:28,445 --> 00:26:31,565
Oh, it's Sunday, you cuuunt!

566
00:26:31,645 --> 00:26:34,165
[Tony, cackling] You're not a real vicar,
I can tell.

567
00:26:34,245 --> 00:26:35,885
[Lisa] Oh, Tony!

568
00:26:35,965 --> 00:26:36,805
[Tony] Ah!

569
00:26:36,885 --> 00:26:38,325
[Lisa, screaming] Oh my God!

570
00:26:38,405 --> 00:26:39,965
-[Tony] What?
-Why'd you do this to me?

571
00:26:40,045 --> 00:26:42,005
[Tony] It's good for you.
It gets your heart going.

572
00:26:42,085 --> 00:26:44,685
-It gets your metabolism up.
-No! You-- [shouts]

573
00:26:45,085 --> 00:26:47,165
-[klaxon honks]
-[Lisa squeals and laughs]

574
00:26:47,245 --> 00:26:48,885
[Tony laughing]

575
00:26:49,925 --> 00:26:53,845
♪ Satellite's gone up to the skies ♪

576
00:26:57,885 --> 00:27:01,685
♪ Things like that
drive me out of my mind ♪

577
00:27:05,485 --> 00:27:08,205
♪ I watched it for a little while ♪

578
00:27:09,205 --> 00:27:11,725
♪ I like to watch things on TV ♪

579
00:27:16,165 --> 00:27:18,765
♪ Satellite of love ♪

580
00:27:18,845 --> 00:27:20,125
♪ Bong bong bong ♪

581
00:27:20,205 --> 00:27:22,445
♪ Satellite of love ♪

582
00:27:22,725 --> 00:27:24,045
♪ Bong bong bong ♪

583
00:27:24,125 --> 00:27:26,325
♪ Satellite of love ♪

584
00:27:26,725 --> 00:27:31,365
♪ Sat-el-ite of... ♪

585
00:27:39,005 --> 00:27:41,005
♪ Satellite... ♪