MODULE 9: PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP

At the end of the module. I can;

1. Discuss and understanding teen-age relationships, including the acceptable expressions of

attractions.

2. Express my own ways of showing attraction, love and commitment.

3. Identify ways to become responsible in a relationship.

Adolescence is the stage when many personal relationships such as the so- called romantic
relationship are usually formed.

Romantic Relationship - may begin with being attracted to someone, develop into loving him or her
and end up with committing to spend the lifetime with that person.

- the core of the social life of many adolescents from middle to late adolescent
stage.

Teenage romantic relationships are usually not the serious ones. Often transitory, they are normally
deemed as more or less “puppy love” kind of relationship.

LECTURE: On Teenage Relationships

Teenage relationships may start with attraction, develop into love and if various factors permit
end up in commitment.

ATTRACTION
- can be considered as a precursor to love. When one is attracted to another person, there is physical
or sexual feeling or desire being felt.
- responsible for the desire to feel ( e.g. kiss, hold the hand or touch) the object of affection.
- some say that it is the “ chemistry” part of love.

Adolescents are usually attracted to physical beauty. Individual who display good grooming and
hygiene normally get more attraction. But there are those who are attracted to individuals who are
intelligent, with sense of humor or with good personality. Age may also be a factor in attraction.
Adolescents are typically attracted to people of the same age, though girls may tend to prefer older
boys. Other bases of attraction include race, family background, popularity and wealth.

SOME FORMS OF ATTRACTION

A. CRUSH- is a form of attraction. According to author E. Hurlock, crush is “the love of an
adolescent toward an older member of the same or opposite sex”. This type of attraction
encompasses a ” transfer of affection from parents to either a teacher or an older classmate”. The
usual bases of crush are the traits which the adolescents view as nice, ideal or admirable.
TWO TYPES OF CRUSH
1. Identity Crush – are formed when an adolescent finds someone he/ she admire, wants to
imitate or wishes to follow as his/ her leader. These often last long because the admirer is
using his/her ‘ crush ‘ in shaping his/ her values, ideals, personality and development.

2. Romantic Crush- are formed when an adolescent finds someone as attractive and feels desire
to be around or spend a lot of time with him/ her. Most romantic crushes are short- lived
because there is a tendency for the ‘magic’ of the ‘crush’ to wear off. However, having a
romantic crush may give awareness to an adolescent that he/ she is capable of having a
“romantic love” in the future.

The common expressions of this form of attraction include seeing and talking with the focus of
attention, writing love letters or notes, giving gifts, doing errands and other sacrifices for him/her
and referring to him/ her using terms of endearment.

B. HERO WORSHIP- is another form of attraction. This is very similar to crush, though it differs in the
sense that is characterized by the absence of personal contact with the one being
admired. It is like “ celebrity crush” in which the object of affection is loved from afar.
- can serve as an inspiration to strive for success, helping individuals to set and
achieve their goals.

Courtship – can be considered under attraction stage.

- is a phase in a romantic relationship prior to engagement and marriage. It involves the
“ getting to know each other” part which could be a basis for the persons involved
whether or not they will upgrade their relationship to a higher level.

STAGES OF COURTSHIP

1. Dating- this is a process which offers opportunity for an individual to know more about another
person and have a friendly association or enjoyable time with him/ her.
- usual activities in dating are eating out in restaurants, malling, engaging in games
together and watching movies or concerts.

2. Selective Stage- after dating, a person decides whether or not to continue ‘seeing’ a certain
individual.
-In this stage, a person also starts selecting the individual who will be his/ her
“ steady”, that is, the person with whom he/ she wants to have a romantic
relationship.

3. Going Steady- this is the stage where a sort of romantic relationship is made official.
- marked by the presence of ‘ mutual understanding’ between two persons.
-stage involves some sort of agreement, such as exclusively dating each other and
the intention to probably proceed to marriage in the future.

4. Engagement Period- this is the part where the couple is formally known as “engaged”.
- this encompasses a sort of contract and promise that on a set date, the
engaged couple will marry each other. This also entails setting things for the
wedding.
C. LOVE- is something which cannot be fully captured in any single definition.
- is very multifaceted and complex which could be experienced in every stage of human life.

The Triangular Theory of Love

- psychologist Robert Sternberg is one of the experts who theorized about love.
- based on his “ triangular theory of love” love has three components such as intimacy, passion and
commitment.

Eight types of Love

1. Non love- where the three components of love are absent.
- this kind of love refers to the most common relationship humans make such as informal
interactions or acquaintances.

2. Liking/ Friendship- characterized by feelings of closeness without passion and commitment.

3. Infatuated love- there is experience of passionate excitement but intimacy and decision/
commitment are missing. When the feelings do not continue to grow with intimacy
and commitment, this kind of love may suddenly fade.

4. Empty love- just as the name implies, there is no love or passion but only commitment.
- examples of this are the fixed marriages. However, a couple may begin with empty
love and develop into other forms of love.

5. Romantic love- the components intimacy and passion are present. There is physical and
emotional bond but commitment is missing.

6. Companionate love- can be considered as stronger than friendship because of the presence of
intimacy. There is no passion but long- term commitment exists.
- this kind of love is what we observe in long- standing marriages and in the
love among family members.

7. Fatuous love- concrete examples of his are whirlwind romances and marriages. There is passion
which resulted to commitment. But since there was a rush decision to commit, there
was no opportunity for intimacy.

8. Consummate love- the perfect and ideal form of love everybody desires to achieve. According to
Sternberg, couples in this kind of love cannot find happiness from other persons aside from their
respective partner.
- this kind of love is hard to achieve and even harder to sustain.

D. COMMITMENT- is a promise, pledge or decision to stick by each other through the ups and downs
of the relationship.
- is about wanting and deciding to stay together as a couple in the future- despite
twists and turns that life encounters.
THREE DIMENSIONS OF COMMITMENT

1. Commitment as an attraction or the “want to” aspect.

A person becomes committed to someone because of what the relationship gives to
him/ her. The relationship may be a source of satisfaction and happiness.

2. Commitment as a moral obligation or the “ ought to” aspect.

The decision to stay in a relationship, even it is no longer satisfying, is because of its
being an oath or a duty. For instance, in most religious organizations, marriage is a
lifetime commitment and couples should not be divorced or separated.

3. Commitment as a constraint or the “have to” aspect.

Many people decide to stay in a relationship or a marriage because getting out of it
will involve risks and consequences. Considerations may include finances, children’s
welfare and reputation or career.

UNACCEPTABLE and ACCEPTABLE EXPRESSIONS of ATTRACTION

Adolescents, especially the ones who are new to relationships are commonly very
impulsive.
They want to spend almost every minute with their respective source of love or attraction.
Unaware, some may be displaying unacceptable expressions of attraction.

Acceptable:
1. glancing at each other
2. verbal communication- saying “ I love you “ or “ I like you”
3. smiling
4. writing letters
5. phone calls or chatting
6. giving presents
7. showing attraction through social media (with limitations)
8. holding hands
9. walking arm in arm
10. kiss on the cheeks or beso- beso in some occasions
11. going out ( usually with chaperons)

Unacceptable:
1.kissing/ cuddling/ holding in public
2. flirting
3. invading personal space
4. intimate activities
5. back rubbing/ massaging/caressing/ stroking

Knowing these acceptable expressions and their counterparts will enable you to be
responsible and be mindful of yourselves when you are in a relationship. These will also
serve as guide to free you from criticisms of other people.
WAYS TO BECOME RESPONSIBLE IN A RELATIONSHIP

1. Clarify your boundaries

-setting clear limits is essential in personal relationships. This may include physical
distance and even socio- emotional limitations.

2. Learn to communicate
- communication is a very powerful tool to maintain healthy relationships, whether they
be friendships or romantic relationships.
- through communication, you express your thoughts and feelings that may help clarify
your expectations with one another.

3. Invest in an “emotional bank account”

- Steven Covey states that an emotional bank account is a metaphor describing the
amount of trust that we invest in our relationship. In your relationship with others, you
should not only trust your partner but also invest in depositing positive emotions.

4. Learn to forgive others

- in any relationship, conflict or the experience of being hurt is part of our experience.
To maintain positive and healthy relationships, our ability to forgive and to understand the
shortcomings of others are important. Forgiveness means starting all over again and not
dwelling on past negative experiences with someone.

5. Consult professionals
- at times when you feel bothered about relationship, do not hesitate to talk to a
teacher, your adviser or your guidance counselor. He/ she may provide you with a lot of
options on how you can positively deal with your personal relationships.