Chapter 2 - Our Conditioning

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OUR CONDITIONING is how we�re each uniquely programmed to

behave, think, feel, and choose. Our default ways of acting�behaviors we
automatically or unquestioningly activate�together express our
conditioning. These go-to behavioral patterns are wired into us by the impact
of past events.

Our shadow is packed with the conditioning we haven�t examined or

sufficiently faced and that we�re allowing to continue unchecked�a
Pandora�s box bulging at the seams, the lid only held in place by the strength
of our ignorance of its contents. We can�t leave our conditioning
uninvestigated if we are to truly know ourselves.

All of us have conditioning, but most of us don�t really know our own
conditioning very well. Furthermore, we may be averse to exploring it,
except perhaps intellectually, being spellbound by such notions as �It�s all in
the past� or �What�s done is done.� Though we may think we�re done with
our past, our past isn�t necessarily done with us�and it won�t be until we
recognize its impact on us and begin the work of not letting ourselves be run
by it, of bringing it out of our shadow.

By the time we have�or are�a conventional self (perhaps initially

marked by the recognition that it�s us we�re seeing in a mirror), we�re already
implanted with various shoulds, directives, behavioral expectations, and so
on. Our deepest qualities might still peek out through this conventional self
now and then, but it inevitably takes up more and more space, pushing the
rest of us into the background, into our shadow, fully or partially. Our
incoming conditioning�even when delivered with the best of intentions�
invades us with mycelial ambition, spreading through us not just physically
but also energetically and psychologically, taking root in us, its branding
more than skin-deep.

As our conditioning establishes itself in us, it so dominates our

psychological and emotional landscape that we normalize it. One result of
this is that our core self, our essential individuality, may become alien or lost
to us. Such is the trance we�re in until we begin to awaken to our actual
condition.

When we don�t recognize our conditioning for what it is, we�re operating
on automatic; we may think we�re free, making our own choices, but we�re
actually not, for our conditioning is calling the shots, making the choices for
us. If we�re identified, or fused, with our conditioning, we�ll assume that we
are making the choices.

When our conditioning has its way with us, we�re in the dark. The lights
may be on but we don�t really see, because our conditioning is looking
through our eyes.

Our shadow-bound conditioning shows itself most often through reactivity.

When we�re reactive, we�re automatically reverting to and acting out
conditioned behavior, usually in ways that are emotionally disproportionate
to what�s warranted in a given situation.

Reactivity is the knee-jerk dramatization of activated shadow material.

Self-justifying and far from self-reflective, reactivity features a very
predictable take on what�s going on, which we proceed with even if we know
better.
The signs of reactivity include:

An exaggerated attachment to being right. If someone points out this

attachment to us when we�re being reactive, it usually only amplifies our
righteousness.

Emotional distortion and/or overload. More often than not, this

behavior gets quite melodramatic. We may use emotional intensity to
back up what we�re doing.

Using the same words and ideas from previous times we�ve been
triggered. It�s as if we�re on stage saying our lines as dictated by the
same old script. We�re acting and re-acting, even when we know we�re
doing so.

A lack of�or an opposition to�self-reflection. The refusal to step

back, even just a bit, from what�s happening fuels the continuation of our
reactivity.

A loss of connection with whomever we�re upset with. Our heart

closes.

A loss of connection with our core. We�re immersed instead in our

reactivity.

When we recognize an aspect of our conditioning and have done enough

work to be able to stop it from possessing us, we still may find ourselves
letting it take us over (as when we stay reactive or behave badly).

At such times, our shadow is still very much present�not as that particular aspect
of our conditioning but as our resistance to handling it the way we�ve learned to.

Having that resistance in our shadow, out of sight or mostly out of sight,
gives us the green light to act�including melodramatically!�as if we can�t
help but be taken over by our reactivity or unhealthy behavior. But once we
see our resistance, bring some compassionate light to it, and explore its
origins, we increase the odds of being able to skillfully work with our
conditioning.

Conditioning is a given. What we do with it is not.