 What’s in it for me? Become informed about asexuality.

 Asexuality is a sexual orientation that describes experiencing a lack of sexual

attraction to anyone.
 Strong relationships can be built upon romance, without sex.
 Many people don’t know asexuality exists, while others misinterpret the orientation.
 Asexuals are often asked to prove their orientation is not “caused” by a mental or
physical illness.
 It’s terribly stressful being seen as unnatural and having people try to “fix” and
change you.
 A growing number of forums and organizations provide support and spread awareness
about asexuality.
 Final summary

What’s in it for me? Become informed about

asexuality.
Over the last few decades, there’s been an immense increase in tolerance for and
understanding of non-heteronormative sexualities. The LGBT community is more visible
than ever and has gained considerable rights, an indication that, hopefully soon, no sexual
orientation will be viewed as abnormal or deviant.

But what if all this talk of sex doesn’t make much sense to you? What if you don’t feel
sexually attracted to anyone?

This is the situation for those who identify themselves as asexual, and even as more and more
of the sexual spectrum comes into the light, asexuals are, by and large, unacknowledged. So
let’s explore how asexuality works and how we can improve our understanding of this
invisible orientation.

In these blinks, you’ll find out

 the difference between sexual attraction, sexual arousal and sex drive;
 why asexuals are often pressured into having sex; and
 what all of us can do to be more supportive of asexual people.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation that

describes experiencing a lack of sexual
attraction to anyone.
If you’ve ever encountered someone and felt sexually enticed by his or her appearance, then
you’re familiar with basic sexual attraction.

Let’s take a moment to define some terms, here. Don’t confuse sexual attraction with arousal,
or sex drive, all of which are different things.

Sexual attraction simply refers to the emotional reaction of finding someone sexually
appealing, whereas arousal describes a physical reaction and sex drive is the desire to respond
to that arousal.

For many, this distinction isn’t that important, since these reactions usually go together, with
one following the other: if you find someone sexually attractive, you are easily aroused and
then feel the desire to pursue these feelings.

But there are also people who identify as asexual, which means they’re not sexually attracted
to anyone. If you were to ask them who they find sexy, the answer would be “Nobody.”

Now this doesn’t mean they can’t get aroused or feel the desire to do something about it.

Yes, some asexual people are repulsed by the idea of having sex, but others are indifferent
and might perform the act as a favor to a partner.

If an asexual person chooses to engage in sex or masturbation, that does not put an end to
their asexuality. It’s important to remember that behavior is not what defines sexual
orientation. Just like anyone else, asexual people are perfectly capable of having sex with
people they don't find attractive.

In fact, asexual people might masturbate for the same reason most people do: because it feels
good, and they want to enjoy the rush of endorphins or relieve stress.

And as with other sexual orientations, being asexual is neither a decision nor a choice. After
all, no one can choose to find someone attractive; it just happens.

Others will often respond to an asexual person with condescension, saying, “Just wait, one
day you’ll find someone attractive,” suggesting that the person doesn't fully understand his or
her own feelings.

The fact of the matter is this: asexuality is a sexual orientation just like any other, since it
describes how a person experiences attraction.
Strong relationships can be built upon
romance, without sex.
Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “Sex isn’t the same as love.” It’s a common argument in
many discussions around infidelity. And for asexual people, this is definitely a true statement.

For asexuals, a loving and romantic relationship isn’t based on sex.

This might sound unusual for people who think that a relationship needs sex in order for it to
be called real love. But believing this is like thinking a tailless dog isn’t happy because it
doesn’t wag its tail.

For asexual people, sex simply isn’t part of the equation. But just because there’s no tail to
wag doesn’t mean there’s no romance in the relationship.

People in asexual romantic relationships still find fulfillment through intimacy and having a
partnership in life – an intimacy that doesn’t need to be defined by sex, but instead comes
from the comfort and trust of partnership.

Even without the act of sex, there are other intimate physical activities to take into account,
such as caressing, cuddling, spooning or even enjoying the sensual experience of kissing.

Partners can form strong bonds without sex. They can live and run a business together, share
the same life goals and even raise children. None of this requires the relationship to be sexual
or even romantic in the traditional sense.

After all, everyone tends to define romance in different ways.

Asexual people are no different; they describe their romantic feelings toward other people
with labels like heteroromantic, homoromantic or biromantic.

For example, even though an asexual, heteroromantic woman might be having a dinner with a
man to whom she isn’t sexually attracted, she can have romantic feelings toward him as he
lights a candle and pours her a glass of wine.

If this same heteroromantic woman were sitting with another woman in the same
environment, there would be no sense of romance to the occasion.

There are also aromantic people, who have no romantic feelings for anyone and don’t believe
that having a partner is fundamental to their happiness.
Many people don’t know asexuality exists,
while others misinterpret the orientation.
Have you ever thought it would be great to be invisible? Well, be careful what you wish for.
A feeling of invisibility is familiar to many asexuals, since most people aren’t even aware
their orientation exists.

Society has a hard time understanding why people don’t engage in sexual activity, which
leads to characterizations of asexuals as overly religious, passionless or antisocial. Or simply
as lonely people who’ve failed the dating game.

Take an average asexual and aromantic man who is happily single and simply doesn’t desire
sex.

Society will view this person as impotent and weak since virginity is considered laughable
and a man’s strength is often defined by his sexual prowess.

Likewise, an asexual woman can be seen as frigid, pathetic and lonely.

Even compassionate people tend to assume that asexuals are immature and that it is just a
passing phase.

Asexual people are often told, “I have a friend who went through a phase like that.” Or,
“Maybe you’re a late-bloomer,” implying that asexual people aren’t living real and adult
lives.

But maturity and adulthood are utterly unrelated to one’s sexual desires. Let’s not forget that
most teenagers, and other truly immature people, usually feel the urge to have sex.

And sadly, the confusion doesn’t stop there: Even if someone understands that asexuality is a
mature and permanent sexual orientation, they still tend to belittle it by saying things like,
“Wow, I couldn’t live without sex. I’d die if I were you!” Or, “Your life must be so
uncomplicated!”

While the first statement is exaggerated nonsense, the second is yet another condescending
remark that disrespects asexual people by falsely suggesting that their life isn’t as complex as
others’.

On the contrary, asexual people face many complexities, such as finding a partner whose
sexual needs are in balance with their own. Finding a partner is already tricky for people who
aren’t asexual – but it’s even more difficult for asexual people, since their social circle is
usually made up of people who aren’t asexual.

So, people have many misconceptions when it comes to asexuality. And, as we’ll see in the
next blink, such misconceptions can even lead to accusations and diagnoses of mental illness.

Asexuals are often asked to prove their

orientation is not “caused” by a mental or
physical illness.
What would you say to a friend who started dating someone she wasn’t sexually attracted to?
Chances are, you wouldn’t tell her to go see a doctor, and yet this is an all-too-common
reaction to asexuality.

Unfortunately, some people think of asexuality as a disorder, and even demand proof of
physical health before accepting this orientation.

Asexual people are often asked whether their genitals function properly or made to undergo
hormone checks before being accepted for who they are.

There are medical conditions that can lead to a decrease in sexual appetite, but such
symptoms are not the same as having never experienced sexual attraction at all. After all, a
doctor cannot diagnose a sexual orientation, so it makes no sense to check someone’s
physical health before accepting that person’s true feelings.

Making matters worse, asexual people are also sometimes asked to seek psychological help
and have their mental health examined.

A common suggestion is that asexual people must have been abused at some point in their
lives. Apart from being incredibly insensitive, it is also inappropriate to try to link someone's
sexual orientation to a traumatic experience.

Even when it comes to professional psychology, knowledge of asexualty is often still lacking.
Whether they’re in a one-on-one session or in couples therapy, asexuals often find themselves
being asked to change their natural feelings.

In other situations, people will suggest that asexuals are in denial of being gay or afraid to
come out of the closet.
But being asexual doesn’t make life easy, so it makes little sense for someone to hide
homosexuality behind asexuality. And as we’ve seen, asexuals are still pressured to have
heterosexual sex.

But just as society finds it difficult to imagine people living without sex, it is also common
for people to assume that anything that’s not heterosexual must be homosexual.

What people fail to realize is that asexuality is not something that needs to be diagnosed, let
alone fixed.

It’s terribly stressful being seen as unnatural

and having people try to “fix” and change you.
What is the purpose of life? It’s an age-old philosophical question, and some might say that
part of the answer involves reproduction, which supposedly drives our sexual desires.

Due to this belief, heterosexuality is still viewed as the most “natural” orientation, since it
produces children. And while society has advanced and is now less discriminatory of non-
procreative sex, people who don’t want to have sex are still faced with the label of being
“unnatural,” despite the fact that asexual people can conceive children as well as anyone else.

Still, this leads people to try and convert asexuals into liking sex.

Common suggestions are, “You should try it just to be sure!” Even if they’ve had sex and
didn’t like it, then it must be because they had it with the wrong person. Others might even
view their orientation as a challenge, suggesting, “Sex with me will fix you!”

In this way, asexuals are still being misunderstood and mistreated, and such treatment even
comes from people who are in relationships with asexuals.

Asexuals can end up in abusive relationships with partners who think sex is being withheld
and that it is “owed” to them.

But even if you’re in a healthy relationship, facing society’s pressure to change yourself can
cause immeasurable stress.

This pressure is often insidious, with people claiming that it’s for the sake of the asexual
person’s happiness. People claim that they’re trying to help, or make condescending remarks
about how much asexuals are missing out on by not having sex.
But trying to impose your views on someone else is far from helpful, especially when an
asexual person is completely happy with who they are.

Just imagine going to a restaurant and placing an order for your favorite dish, only to have the
waiter insist that you don’t really know what you want and that you must try his favorite dish
instead!

A growing number of forums and

organizations provide support and spread
awareness about asexuality.
What’s better than sex? A while back, a survey among asexuals provided a plausible answer:
cake. Since then, the image of a cake has become a symbol of asexuality on many websites
on the topic.

And the internet has proven to be a valuable resource, since there is so little awareness
elsewhere in society.

With so few offline support groups, some asexuals have turned to LGBT communities, more
of which are opening up to asexual people.

The invisibility of asexuals is a product of a general lack of awareness: most people simply
don’t know that such an orientation exists. People in the LGBT community, on the other
hand, tend to experience a more deliberate kind of oppression. Nonetheless, asexuals are still
an enriching presence in the LGBT community, introducing different romantic identities and
models of attraction.

Still, the internet is where asexual people can find the greatest variety of resources – forums,
for instance – and discuss issues among themselves and with others.

There are worldwide groups and dating sites dedicated to asexuals, as well as sites that offer
material on how to educate people about asexuality.

Some of these sites have chat rooms where curious non-asexual visitors can ask all the
questions they want and get answers from experienced asexual people who have learned how
best to explain their orientation.

Hopefully, this will lead to more non-asexual people spreading awareness and including the
orientation in their work.
This way, asexuality will gain better representation in academic articles on sexual
orientations and people can get a “None of the above” or “Asexual” checkbox included
alongside other orientations in surveys and questionnaires. And perhaps society will even get
to the point where sexual attraction isn’t something we assume everyone experiences.

As it stands now, asexuality is barely on most people’s radar and is certainly not something
that many people understand. So we need to make every effort to spread awareness, make the
orientation more publicly visible and help a large population of people feel free to be who
they are.

Final summary
The key message in this book:

The resounding message asexual people get from society is that they either do not exist
or should change who they are. But asexuality is a healthy and mature state that
describes how someone simply does not experience sexual attraction. By definition, this
is a sexual orientation and asexual people should be trusted to navigate these issues
themselves. No one has an obligation to be sexually active.

Actionable advice:

Acknowledge that asexual people exist.

If an asexual person comes out to you – listen. You are not being recruited or being asked for
advice. Just process what is being said and be respectful. What asexual communities most
often request – when asked about what they want – is simply acknowledgment of their
existence.

Got feedback?

We’d sure love to hear what you think about our content! Just drop an email to
remember@blinkist.com with the title of this book as the subject line and share your
thoughts!

Suggestedfurtherreading: Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá

SexAtDawn argues that the idealization of monogamy in Western societies is essentially

incompatible with human nature. The book makes a compelling case for our innately
promiscuous nature by exploring the history and evolution of human sexuality, with a strong
focus on our primate ancestors and the invention of agriculture. Arguing that our distorted
view of sexuality ruins our health and keeps us from being happy, SexAtDawn explains how
returning to a more casual approach to sex could benefit interpersonal relationships and
societies in general.