“Consciously connecting”

Leijssen Mia. (Manuscript MOOC)

Presentation for Telephone Help-Line staff.

I consider Telephone Help-Line staff to be connection experts. So what additional contribution could
a lecture on that theme possibly make? My main hope is to deepen your awareness of connecting
because this is one of the most meaningful experiences in human life. I will discuss this theme from a
physical, social, psychological and spiritual perspective.

I will begin with the challenging theory of Viktor Frankl, the Viennese psychiatrist who is renowned
around the world from having survived the concentration camps. He postulates that the most
important need we have as human beings is to find purpose and meaning in life.

This is the exact opposite of what is generally accepted from the influence of the great psychologist
Maslow, who launched the theory of ‘Hierarchy of Needs’. This theory proposes that basic needs
such as safety, food and shelter must first be met before higher values such as meaning can be
considered.

Frankl, however, as someone who endured the most inhumane of circumstances, argues the
opposite. In other words, according to this "experienced expert" purpose and meaning are the most
essential things in a human life, particularly when basic needs such as safety, food and shelter are
not met. A sense of purpose is thus not a luxury, but an essential need.

How do you translate this into daily reality, when daily reality fortunately does not involve such
extreme situations as starvation and torture?

I am not going to talk about complex systems of meaning which sometimes give rise to wonderful
theories about "the meaning of life’" Nor am I going to talk about Logotherapy in which therapists,
following in the footsteps of Frankl,challenge their clients to take existential responsibility.

I am going to stay very close to daily reality where people are struggling with all sorts of problems,
and counsellors sometimes feel that they have to go to great lengths in order to find a "solution".
That is why I emphasise the importance of connecting oneself with that which presents itself.

I will illustrate this in the Telephone Help-Line context as well as in a broader life context.

Connection means connecting to… what there is

 "What is there to see, to listen to, to feel, to experience?"

Each moment contains diverse facets of the "WHAT," allowing you to make a connection.
I will clarify this from the different dimensions of existence. I will also further explain the
physical, social, psychological and, finally, spiritual aspects in this context. This is a
framework I use when considering existential well-being. In this framework, each dimension
of well-being receives "sufficient" attention; no dimension is excluded, nor does any one
dimension receive an "exaggerated amount" of attention.
  "What is" means: purely observing how something is, and relating to it as it is, without
putting anything that does not belong to the actual situation "in-between", such as, for
example, a judgement. By perceiving on the basis of a judgement, you will not see what
there really is to be seen. You are wearing tinted glasses through which you color reality;
whether rose-tinted or dark is irrelevant. Or if you prefer a metaphor from the spectrum of
hearing: a judgement installs a filter through which you selectively listen to the truth.
This affects the quality of the connection.

I will describe the quality of connective awareness in the context of physical, social,
psychological and spiritual aspects. It is, after all, the quality of the connection that
determines its meaningfulness.

1. We will begin with the physical dimension and, more specifically, with what is most familiar:
your own body. Connecting with your own body.

This begins quite simply with consciousness of your physicality here and now. In this physical
posture, with this way of breathing, this feeling of warm or cold, physical comfort or discomfort,
muscles tensed or relaxed, contact with the ground, contact with other things that give rise to certain
sensations, etc.

Conscious presence in your body is settling in the physical dimension. That on its own is meaningful,
just as the word "settling" suggests.

Furthermore, there is the awareness of stimuli your body experiences from the outside world:
sounds, smells, stimuli that actually enter your body, food that you eat, images on your retina, etc.

Here we often experience a varying quality of awareness: from going through things without further
thought, unaware of what our body takes in and carries with it; to a more conscious awareness; or to
deliberately attentive (mindful) registering of experiences. The current renewed interest in
mindfulness shows that people in the 21st century are rediscovering how meaningful conscious,
unbiased sensory perception can be.

You can go a step further through consciously connecting with your body.

You then not only attentively register something you hear, see, smell, feel, eat, etc., but you choose
how you want to deal with it. Really choosing assumes that you break free of instinctive responses
and old patterns and consciously deal with what comes up. In this way you can choose to welcome
what you hear, see, feel, etc. This also means that in general you are prepared to learn more about it,
to really taste it, to digest it, to integrate it carefully, etc.

But you can also choose to set it aside, because you do not want to be bothered with it right now. Or
you can choose to ignore it, if you feel it may be harmful for you. By being consciously present in
your body, you will have a clearer sense that something could hurt you. Then you can also choose to
NOT connect to it, to shield yourself, to withdraw yourself. In this way you do not have to put up with
something, but you can yourself decide what you take in.
Thus "welcoming" is part of the conscious connection, a positive intention to receive something as it
presents itself, and to treat it with respect. Consciously connecting with your body does not suppress
what is being experienced, but recognises and welcomes and gives your experience/embodiment the
right to exist, with everything that this implies.

That does not mean that you must be ‘happy’ with everything you encounter in your body.

If, for example, I am in pain, I would have to be a very strange person to be happy with that pain. It
does, however, mean that I am present to myself in a friendly way and that I take good care of my
body by recognising that I am in pain and that this troubles me. I thus make a conscious connection
with my body that is signalling pain, and I relate in a friendly way to the pain that my body is
carrying.

From that friendly, non-judgemental attitude, I can feel what else I need. Do I choose, for example,
to temporarily relieve the pain with a painkiller? Do I decide to have the pain examined by a doctor?
Do I explore the pain as a meaningful indicator of something in my life that feels painful? Or can I
truthfully say: this pain does not really need any further attention at this time, and I will now free my
conscious self and focus my attention on something or someone else that I would rather connect
with at this moment.

If I bring this attitude to a conversation with someone who is in a lot of pain, then consciously
connecting in the physical dimension can take the form of a friendly recognition that it must be very
difficult for that person to be in pain. And then we can decide together whether or not this pain
requires that we stay with it for longer and if it needs to receive more care. Or if the person who is in
pain really feels that it would be better at present to focus attention on something else. What is
meaningful is found in the friendly care and recognition. This makes the pain more bearable, and
after it has been given sufficient attention, it can, if so desired, give way to make room for something
else.

The material context is also part of the physical dimension and you can choose to make a smaller or
greater connection here.

If you cannot or do not want to connect to the material context, then you do not create optimal
working conditions; sloppiness then occurs; you can even develop an aversion to the realities of the
material environment. Consciously connecting means, at the very least, that you ensure that the
material context does not hinder or distract you. But if you want to make a bit more of it, then you
also ensure that you make optimum use of what is present in your material environment. Just as the
very best professionals have a "love" for their materials. If you do not make a connection with the
material context, it quickly becomes a dead weight that you must drag along with you and which can
ultimately undermine your pleasure in your work and your energy.

Once again, I must warn you here that "making a connection" is not the same as "enjoying doing
something". For example, a member of the Telephone Help-Line staff does not have to "enjoy"
talking on the telephone. The starting point is that you are prepared to make a conscious connection
with what the material medium "is".

The decision to connect with that material reality can be expressed even more strongly as
"commitment". This is not about "doing what you enjoy doing", but "doing what you must do, with
love". In this way you will not lose connection so quickly if material problems should cross your path.
You can also replace being "consciously connected" with "love". Those who associate the word “love”
with something abstract or romantic may get a better feeling for the specific, earthly reality implicit
in the word "connection".

Awareness in this particular area also means that you are aware of the way in which the material
context can influence the connection. For example, someone may feel more drawn to make a
connection because the material environment is inviting. An attractive user-friendly website
encourages one to make an online connection. And the reverse is also true: if someone's motivation
is not particularly strong, then a small material obstacle can be decisive in terms of their giving up all
together.

In the context of meaningfulness, the physical dimension can be considered as fundamental. Simply
paying attention to how a person is at home in their own body relates to the immediate material
environment, as does how a person consciously does what needs to be done in their physical
context.

Connecting with the "essence" of something in the physical dimension, such as nature or a work of
art, can also induce a deep experience of beauty. I will elaborate further on this deepening of the
physical dimension when I discuss the spiritual dimension.

Connection at the purely physical level of everything that is to do with the body and everything that
is to do with the material context, can mean that the physical realities and the material
circumstances no longer come ‘between’ the person and what needs to be done, but are actively
conducive to doing what is needed. You could also say that - through the connection - the material
becomes, as it were, an extension of the self, making it easier to reach out to connect with other
people.

2. This brings me to a second dimension to which I apply the concept of "connection": connections
with other people. Taking the physical dimension as departure point, I have now come to the
social dimension.

As human beings – like animal species- survival without contact with our own kind is impossible. Just
think about the horrible experiments with baby monkeys that were given everything they needed on
a physical level, such as food and a warm enclosure, yet they still died because there were no others
of their kind with whom they could connect. Research has also demonstrated to us that in all
cultures contact with other people has always been no.1 in the charts of meaningfulness.

"Social contact" thus provides life and meaning. Even although this is the case, people suffer the
greatest wounds in their contacts with other people. It is striking that not only traumatic contacts,
but also normal, disappointing contacts, are characterised by a lack of connection.

What does"connection" or meaningful contact look like in the social dimension? Here we come to
the heart of the "working" of a Telephone Help-Line .
If you are consciously present in the connection, you begin by receiving the other person without
judgement. "Just" receive the other as he/she comes to you, with all that that involves. It is actually
quite "unusual" and really very difficult to listen without inserting your own judgements or selecting
out what is most applicable to yourself. In the counselling world, attempts have been made to
summarise this as interventions, sometimes called "paraphrasing" or "reflecting". But all too often
these are unfortunate oversimplifications or caricatures of the complex listening skills which give
form to "pure reception". As if it is about a ridiculous mimicking like that of a parrot, or a reflection
that even sophisticated computer programmes can perform today. It is important that what
happens are “real connections”; fine-tuning from the heart, whereby the perceptions of the other
person are allowed and given full recognition, so that the other person feels heard and understood.

So, for example, you could, here and now as a listener, make a conscious connection and then,
without any filtering, take in the words you hear deep inside of yourself, where you give them time
to resonate.

It would take us too far at this moment to give you the opportunity to express in words what
sensations arise in you from such a connected presence. But some of it will of course be seen and felt
through your non-verbal reactions. Someone's non-verbal expression gives a first sense of whether
or not there is a connected presence.

In a Telephone Help-Line context – although not only there – you obviously have to put your
intention to connect into words, because otherwise the other person cannot experience the
connection. And the connection is then fostered by creating sufficient "relatednesss" to what is put
forward by the other person. How you can find the right words to express this is also a question of
practising skills and techniques, which, if well-applied, will result in a better connection.

I am continually surprised and touched by how meaningful it is for people when they simply hear a
few words that clearly indicate that the other person has received the message, makes contact on
the same wave length or responds to what has been expressed. It is not about "intellectual
understanding", where you ‘"grasp" what the other person is saying and reflect it back to the person.
The connection comes from the added quality with which you "take up" the words of the other
person. You give them value to the extent that you make an effort to give them a place in your heart
at that moment. In this way you invest; not just with "time", but more importantly by relating with
attentiveness and care, or by connecting. You could again use the word "love" here. “Love” as in
connecting with the person who is trying to express something, with the sole intention of receiving it,
without muddying it with your own self-interest.

I do not need to explain to Telephone Help-Line staff how meaningful this type of contact is. The
ability to keep on living in the difficult circumstances that people describe when they call the
Telephone Help-Line does not so much stem from "being able to tell their story" or "being presented
with a solution". But rather from the healing experience of a human being who has made complete
contact in that connection.

For the people who have lost track of the meaning of life, the counsellors could direct the person’s
attention to simple daily contacts in which real connections are made with other people. The
counsellor can thereby also encourage the client not simply to passively wait for such a meaningful
connection, but to actively seek it out and give it shape.
Does a connection with another person mean that you efface yourself? Of course not! Because then
you are no longer "consciously present" in the connection.

3. This automatically brings me to the third dimension – the psychological dimension - which I
include in this process of connection.

An interaction in which you are merely "attuned" to the "other" cannot really be called "interaction".
A good interaction partner is characterised precisely by being connected to his/her own experience.
The contact becomes interesting, supportive, refreshing, innovative, sometimes challenging and
confronting through the personal color of the interaction partners. The personal color, which unlike
that of the chameleon does not adapt itself to the color of the environment, is a color that expresses
a person’s inner disposition. The ground on which something falls helps to determine the growth
possibilities of what has come to rest on it. That inner ground is not necessarily fertile. It requires a
certain cultivation to become a purified and fertile inner ground.

Here I will again discuss that inner process on the basis of "consciously connecting". You can also see
it as: being well-aligned, in-tune with your core, connected to your centre, an inner feeling of
contact with your own being.

In most cases, this does not appear from nowhere. It is a process of development which goes hand-
in-hand with inner discipline, with self care, and leads to increased awareness and a well-founded
love of self.

In that connection with our own experience many are again hindered by some form of judgement:
self-condemnation. As a result, the inner connection is interrupted or even made impossible. It would
take us much too far from our path if we were to go into detail about the complex inner processes
that lead to unpleasant inner dialogues and the countless other possibilities that can derail a person.

Let us rather concentrate on discussing how awareness in terms of the inner connection can be
improved.

The old adage: "Know yourself", implies a discipline of self-contemplation, being attentive to the
diversity of experiences, thoughts, feelings, desires, disappointments, etc. which can dominate your
inner world. In order to do this, you first need to bring all the busyness surrounding you to a stand
still. In that stillness you can begin to take note of the life within your inner world.

If you are not aware of what is going on in your inner world, then listening to others will be drowned
out by your own preoccupations without you even noticing it. Your reaction to the other person will,
literally, say more about yourself than about the other person.

Being connected to yourself cultivates the awareness of what is present in your inner world. You
have a choice: whether you want to pay more attention to something, whether it is necessary to take
extra care of certain aspects, whether you wish to explore things which are unclear, etc., but also
whether you feel that this is something which can be put on the back burner until there is a more
suitable moment to give it attention.
A connection with yourself not only leads to more self-awareness. A real connection with yourself
results in self-care, self-acceptance and self-love. "Ignorance isn’t bliss" when it comes to asepcts of
yourself which you suppress or keep in the shadows because you refuse to deal with them or are
afraid to connect with them. This way you deprive yourself of an opportunity to develop a profound
self-knowledge. It is that profound self-knowledge which overflows into a genuine love for yourself.
This is something completely different from narcissistic navel-gazing, where the world revolves
around you, or by spoiling yourself superficially and always catering to your own immediate needs.

In the loving connection with yourself you provide yourself with good company. That means that you
have a mild and strong presence within yourself. This creates inner peace. As a result, your
connections with other people can become more of a "choice" because the presence of others is not
necessary for you to feel peaceful; because you are, after all, happy to be on your own.

It also gives you the "freedom" to decide whether or not you want to explicitly put something about
yourself into words in the contact with another person. You are not "full of yourself", so that every
time someone else says something, you immediately interrupt with something about yourself or your
own themes subtly take the floor. But you have "free" access to your inner reservoir: you can tap into
your own experience to find whatever is applicable in the context.

A slight digression on "volunteer's syndrome" is possibly appropriate here. People who "want to save
the world" before they have sufficiently explored their own inner world can sometimes sacrifice too
much. Idealism without sufficient self-knowledge and self-care results in burnout or in gradually
becoming bitter through an accumulation of frustrations.

A volunteer is at his/her best when there is first of all a good connection with him/herself, he/she has
sufficient self-awareness and is happy with who he/she is, with all that this implies, including the
difficult things. Those who have a good connection with themselves do not deny themselves and also
give clear boundaries. This creates clarity and safety in the contact. In this way you also provide
others with solid ground on which to land and offer a powerful model for relating to difficult and out-
of-control situations in their lives.

Those who remain true to a loving alliance with themselves possess a powerful remedy against
demoralisation. Demoralisation does not develop because of problematic circumstances, but
through the inability to relate to problematic circumstances.

A connection with your own being as an important form of meaningfulness can sometimes be
communicated to clients through simple interventions. For example, by saying: “Can you be good
company for yourself ‘just for a moment’ and look at yourself with a little bit of kindness?” or “What
would you need to put your self-condemnation on the back burner and approach yourself as you
would approach a good friend?”

It is from such a heartfelt welcoming connection with yourself that a belief in your own valuable core
can grow. "Self-confidence" is not arrogance and it is not the same as a kind of pep talk in which you
keep repeating "yes you can". It is a growth process from the inside out, in which you begin to accept
yourself as a loyal ally who never lets you down, whatever you are facing. In that inner connection in
which you remain true to yourself, self-confidence can grow.

We come then finally to

4. the spiritual dimension. I do not consider the spiritual dimension to be a "separate" dimension
of existence, but as the foundation or the deepening of the physical, social and psychological
dimensions, or in terms of the addition of “love” as the added value which can enrich each
dimension.

The spiritual dimension "is" always there, just as your body is always there. After all, it is about
humankind in the greater context of existence. An increasing awareness of that greater context of
existence can contribute to someone's sense of meaning. Awareness of that greater context of
existence or the spiritual field can be narrowed or widened; and the manner in which you experience
it can vary greatly from day to day, from one moment to another.

Experiencing the spiritual dimension is recognisable in positive emotions such as, for example, a
sense of wonder, inspiration or gratitude when we are in contact with ‘that which appeals to us’
from the physical, social or psychological dimension.

Do you make the connection with the spiritual dimension by yourself? Yes and no. Yes, because
through awareness in the physical, social, psychological dimensions we create conditions that are
conducive to experiencing the spiritual connection. And we can also develop and train our sensitivity
to that connection. No, because the experience is something that happens to us, something is
touched inside of us, which can appear unexpectedly, sometimes through intriguing coincidences
because they appear to have a meaningful connection.

For example, those who are attentively present in the physical dimension in nature can enjoy or be
touched by nature's beauty and vitality more intensely, so that you can feel it vibrating in your own
body. Or in contact with a work of art, you can feel captivated by the universal experience it is
expressing. Or in the social dimension, you can be touched by an encounter with a person who, out
of sheer goodness, does something for you, allowing you to catch a glimpse of love personified. Or in
the physical dimension, an insight can break through that surprises you by the truth with which
something essential is brought to light. Or in a silent meditative moment, you can become immersed
in a bliss which you cannot possibly describe.

There area so many different ways in which people can come into contact with a deeper,
incomprehensible layer of human existence and feel connected to something "more" than they can
possibly begin to understand. This leads to an understanding of the "personal self as a small part of a
greater whole" that inspires a sense of meaningfulness that goes beyond the individual.

The many names we use to name this greater whole sometimes give rise to misunderstandings.
Some people talk about Nature, the Cosmos, the Universe; others about the Source, God, Mother
Nature, Buddha, Spirit; while others prefer terms such as Essence, Light, Love. We cannot sum up this
mystery in the "right" words, and our knowledge is inadequate to be able to explain it.

Therefore it is and remains difficult to talk about this “something more” without being
misunderstood. Misunderstandings are generally caused by preconceived notions in which old ideas
get in the way of receiving the experience itself with openness. Also, reasoning of any kind can
prevent you from taking notice in a fresh way when that deeper dimension presents itself in your life.

Contemporary scientists of neurobiology and psychology (for example, Damasio, Vaillant) point out
that spiritual experiences are not located in the neocortex of logically-thinking Homo sapiens, but in
the emotional brain, the limbic system where positive emotions are found that connect us to other
living beings and to our experience of the divine. Positive emotions that accompany connection are,
for example: love, hope, joy, forgiveness, compassion, faith, respect, thankfulness, etc. They all have
the potential to "release the self from itself", broaden the moral compass and promote creativity.
Spirituality has a deeply rooted psycho-biological basis that is directed towards connection; it is a
reality, engrained in positive human emotions.

The spiritual dimension of existence is mainly a "given of experience" which can be felt in the body.
The body can be seen thereby as a sort of antenna which is or is not attuned to a deeply-felt
connection with the whole of nature and all other beings. Unity consciousness is a term used to
describe this experience of being connected.

Every ethical attitude to life is deeply inspired by this unity consciousness which motivates you from
the inside out to do good, strive for universal justice and put respect for all other life forms into
practice.

Volunteering – for example at the Telephone Help-Line - is a fantastic way to express unity
consciousness. In this way, people tend to draw on their very best qualities as well as seeking contact
with the best in others. That generates trust in growth, without being naïve. You are then able to see
and hear more than what is observable through the senses alone. And you can create an interaction
in which both participants have the experience that there is something more going on than that
which can be explained. That you both exceed your own selves. This is not "magic" or a hocus pocus
moment. It is about being open and attentive in the connection, which sometimes opens up to a
greater sense of knowledge and experience than that which we can explain on a rational basis. It is
moving in a greater field of consciousness that exceeds your limited knowledge. These are moments
you recognise because they are accompanied with positive emotions, as I just described.

Consciously connecting from a spiritual point of view means that you make time and space to
connect with "your sources", from which you receive inspiration and from which your positive
emotions are fed. For this, discipline, training, cultivation and commitment are sometimes needed,
to make this your ‘holy’ time into which you invite the company of the "divine". For example, by
regularly spending time in nature with all of your senses open if this is an important source for you;
or contemplating a work of art through which your soul is awakened; or having an in-depth
conversation until you have reached the heart of the matter; or as a daily ritual, patiently waiting in
silence with an inward focus; or concentrating on your commitment to something which helps you
cultivate positive emotions. It means contemplating existential questions, such as: “What is, to me,
the basis of my existence?” “Who am I in my very depths?” “What, fundamentally, gives direction to
my life?” And then contemplating your answers, dwelling on your choices with love.

The spiritual is much too broad to be restricted to any one particular form. It is more important to
choose which source you want to draw from. If you have developed for yourself the awareness and
the discipline you need to charge your batteries, then you will also be more sensitive to helping
others discover their sources and develop connective ways of being. But the reverse is also true: if
you do not give any attention or space to those sources yourself, then it is also difficult to connect
with the spiritual experiences of others.
The art of the caregiver is to bring up this spiritual dimension with clients without providing content
from your own sources. This is also true for the difference between meaningful frameworks which
are presented through specific religions. A religion provides its followers with specific contents based
on ideas, holy scriptures, religious dogmas and theology. In the best case, this can also result in
spiritual experiences, but this does not necessarily follow.

Caregivers try to guide clients in the awareness of experiences whereby the clients become attuned
to meaningful sources in their own lives where positive emotions are nurtured. For example, you can
ask the client if there are moments in which the client experiences elements of hope, joy,
forgiveness, compassion, faith, respect, thankfulness, love, etc. If the client can experience
something of these positive and spiritually connecting emotions, then you have a way in to possible
spiritual sources that may appeal to the client.

This is something completely different from preaching the "Good News" of what is meaningful to
you; or steering the client towards something which appeals to you. The need to convince someone
else that you are right is almost always a sign of imbalance in the dimensions of existence. For
example, exaggeration of a specific spiritual belief can be a sign of there being insufficient attention
given to understanding in the psychological dimension. Insufficient self-knowledge can lead to
persuading yourself and others to use a "master key" and the actual problems are swept under the
carpet in the process.

This brings me back to the notion of "existential well-being", in other words: giving not too much, but
also not too little attention to physical, social, psychological aspects of well-being; and the way in
which the spiritual dimension, as it were, opens up a deeper layer in those dimensions, in which the
individual perspective can broaden to a universal awareness.

In Maslow's model, we arrive at ‘being values’: beauty, goodness, truth and love. Even in the
simplest or most limited life, a person can learn to become aware of moments in which something of
these values of being is present.

To go full circle, I will end with Frankl, who regards meaningfulness as the essential element of
human life. According to him, the value of life is mainly discovered through experiencing or
undergoing something, such as being out in nature or experiencing culture, or experiencing what it is
to have a loving contact with someone, or being in the good company of our better self. It is striking
that survivors of the concentration camps testify that it was precisely in the heart of the immense
misery from which they could not escape that they found crucial support in rare moments when
something of beauty broke through (such as a sunrise), or goodness (such as the one guard who
occasionally showed his compassion), or truth (such as considering the essence of oneself or
connecting with one's own indestructible core). So is it that human beings always have the potential
in the midst of a problematic, even inhuman physical, social or psychological reality to connect with a
deeper spiritual layer that adds superhuman or universal value and meaning.

I am convinced that Telephone Help-Line staff, who are prepared to consciously connect on the basis
of all of the dimensions of existence, will add a great deal of value and meaning to the lives of the
people with whom they come into contact. For this, I therefore wish to express my thanks.