5 Signs You Are Dating Someone Who Is Not Over Their Ex | by Elenor Ray | Sep, 2020 | Medium 2020.

2020. 10. 12. 13'28

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5 Signs You Are Dating Someone

Who Is Not Over Their Ex
Lessons from living in an illusion, painted by his false promises.
Elenor Ray Follow
Sep 19 · 5 min read

Photo by Kei Scampa from Pexels

I wondered often if he was really over his break-up.

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5 Signs You Are Dating Someone Who Is Not Over Their Ex | by Elenor Ray | Sep, 2020 | Medium 2020. 10. 12. 13'28

He kept assuring me that he was.

Only to tell me a few months later that he “wasn’t ready”.

It was then that I realized that I was living in an illusion, painted by his false
promises. I was led on by his empty words and I felt like an idiot for it.

It was confusing to <nd myself in an unful<lling relationship with a

seemingly great partner who just couldn’t progress things between us. While
we cannot control someone else’s action and if they choose to ignore their
own issues, we can certainly make sure we’re not on the receiving end of it.

Relationships should feel like it’s Bowing in its

natural and uninterrupted course.

When you’re with someone who has someone else in their heart, though, it
won’t. And instead may turn out somewhat like this:

#1. They Rush In The Beginning

They rush because they want to feel like they’re over their ex.

They want to feel like they have moved on.

Unfortunately, this comes at your expense.

This can manifest as quickly rushing into labels, love bombing and just
overall a feeling of too much too soon. While it’s good to casually date when
someone is trying to move on, a relationship is certainly not — especially if
they are not transparent about their feelings towards their ex.

Maybe you’re just chalking it up to being a passionate aIair, but deep down
you’ll know if that’s really the case. Even with good intentions, someone
who’s not emotionally available will likely not be able to give you what you
are seeking in the long run.

What it should feel like: It should feel like a natural pace, where both of
you are moving things forward at a speed both of you are comfortable with.

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5 Signs You Are Dating Someone Who Is Not Over Their Ex | by Elenor Ray | Sep, 2020 | Medium 2020. 10. 12. 13'28

#2. Then Things Get Stagnant

This is when, after a lot of rushing, they’ll <nd themselves in a place where
they are not sure of their feelings towards you and their ex is still on their
mind in one way or another. This will manifest as them slowly pulling away
in some form and creating distance between you two.

Plans will be postponed, promises broken and words

will begin to amount to nothing.

Needless to say, this can be an incredibly confusing, often painful period.

Relationships are an opportunity for two people to expand — and if you’re
in a stagnant relationship where you’re not getting any closer, you’ll sense
it.

Keep in mind that there may be other reasons behind the sudden slow down
— Maybe their commitment issues are coming to surface or maybe
something happened to change their minds. In any case, you shouldn’t feel
like you’re driving the relationship forward while the other person is
resisting it.

What it should feel like: The Now of the relationship should feel easy. You
shouldn’t feel stuck. It shouldn’t feel like your partner is intentionally trying
to pull the brakes and slow things down.

1.1K

9
#3. Exes Come Up In Conversations Often Your journey start

RELATIONSHIPS
At <rst, you might ignore it. But soon enough you’ll <nd yourself in more
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and more conversations about their ex and the past relationship. Partner Doesn

In extreme cases, they might even hint at you being more like their ex, RELATIONSHIPS
6 Qualities of
whether through how you dress or act. They might want to do things they Emotionally
did with their ex, in a naive attempt to overwrite past memories. Immature Par

RELATIONSHIPS
5 Habits Of A
Insecure Partn

While many of us may be inclined to take up the

RELATIONSHIPS
healer role and be someone’s savior, it shouldn’t be to A Man In Love
Commit Imme
And Anything

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5 Signs You Are Dating Someone Who Is Not Over Their Ex | by Elenor Ray | Sep, 2020 | Medium 2020. 10. 12. 13'28

the extent that it starts to drain you.

Unless past relationships naturally come up in conversations, you shouldn’t

really be talking about exes all that much anyway. You shouldn’t have to feel
like your partner’s therapist and/or savior.

Top highlight
What it should feel like: Exes may come up casually in conversations now
and then, but should never feel unnatural and obsessive.

#4. Part Of Them Feels Out Of Reach

You feel like they’re holding back in some way. You may even feel like
they’re wearing a mask at times, but you just can’t be sure.

You can’t force someone to be more emotionally

invested. They will only pretend, to make you
believe that they are.

They might have issues with opening up due to past traumas, but if they’re
actively avoiding opening up to you then they may have someone else on
their mind. You shouldn’t have to work hard to earn your partner’s
vulnerability.

Maybe they will still put in the eIort now and then, but it will be forced out
of a sense of duty rather than genuine drive. This kind of eIort will drain
them eventually, and dim the sparks in your relationship a little bit every
time.

What it should feel like: It should be a natural process of two people

letting their inner worlds merge and it certainly shouldn’t feel like work.

#5. Something Just Feels OI

When your partner is consumed by thoughts of

someone else, it means they are not whole
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5 Signs You Are Dating Someone Who Is Not Over Their Ex | by Elenor Ray | Sep, 2020 | Medium 2020. 10. 12. 13'28

themselves and they are not in a place to fully love.

Meaning, they are just not emotionally available. And you deserve someone
who is. You deserve someone who is not obsessed with someone else.

Often times, we make up excuses to avoid what our inner voice is telling us.
I kept telling myself that maybe he needs some time. Sure, he did — but he
needed some time alone, not with me. By himself. To <gure himself out. If
anything, my involvement in the process was delaying him working on
himself and was evidently counter-productive.

Trust your intuition.

More than any other sign, the most important is perhaps if you deep down
feel like they are not over their ex. The hard part is to recognize whether or
not you are making up excuses to convince yourself otherwise.

What it should feel like: You should feel hopeful and that you’re looking
forward to seeing how things unfold—Not fearful that your partner is not
into you as much as you are into them.

Through observing these signs and really tuning into your intuition, you
can learn to recognize when someone is simply not emotionally available
for you. And if you’re already at this stage, the next step may be being brave
enough to cut things oI. And let’s be honest, not everyone is. It took me
some time to cut oI my ex, because I was still hopeful.

I was hopeful that he would eventually get over his ex and <nally be able to
see my worth. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. If they can’t see your
value and appreciate you now, chances are they might not later either.

They might snap into their senses when they no longer have access to you.
But until then, they will continue to idealize and fantasize about ‘the one
that got away’, while you’ll just be the next best option in their mind.

And no one should have to feel this way. You’re worth far more.

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5 Signs You Are Dating Someone Who Is Not Over Their Ex | by Elenor Ray | Sep, 2020 | Medium 2020. 10. 12. 13'28

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