Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Meeting new people can be awkward. What should you say? How can you make a good
impression? How do you keep a conversation going?
Research shows relationships are vital to happiness and networking is the key to getting
jobs and building a fulfilling career.
But what’s the best way to build rapport and create trust? Plain and simple, who can
explain how to get people to like you?
Robin was head of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Program and has studied
interpersonal relations for over 27 years. He’s an expert on how to make people like
you.
Robin is the author of the excellent book, It’s Not All About “Me: The Top Ten
Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone.
I gave him a call to get some answers. (Note that Robin is not speaking for the FBI
here, these are his expert insights.)
Ask questions. Listen. But don’t judge. Nobody — including you — likes to feel judged.
Here’s Robin:
The number one strategy I constantly keep in the forefront of my mind with everyone
I talk to is non-judgmental validation. Seek someone else’s thoughts and opinions
without judging them. People do not want to be judged in any thought or opinion that
they have or in any action that they take.
It doesn’t mean you agree with someone. Validation is taking the time to understand
what their needs, wants, dreams and aspirations are.
So what should you do when people start spouting crazy talk? Here’s Robin:
What I prefer to try to do is, as soon as I hear something that I don’t necessarily
agree with or understand, instead of judging it my first reaction is, “Oh, that’s really
fascinating. I never heard it in quite that way. Help me understand. How did you come
up with that?”
You’re not judging, you’re showing interest. And that lets people calmly continue talking
about their favorite subject: themselves.
Studies show people get more pleasure from talking about themselves than they do
from food or money:
So you’ve stopped being Judgy Judgerson and you’re happily validating. Oh, if it were
only that easy… What’s the problem here? Your ego.
Most of us are just dying to point out how other people are wrong. (Comment sections
on the internet are fueled by this, aren’t they?)
And it kills rapport. Want to correct someone? Want to one-up them with your clever
little story? Don’t do it.
Here’s Robin:
Ego suspension is putting your own needs, wants and opinions aside. Consciously
ignore your desire to be correct and to correct someone else. It’s not allowing yourself
to get emotionally hijacked by a situation where you might not agree with someone’s
thoughts, opinions or actions.
Contradicting people doesn’t build relationships. Dale Carnegie said it many years ago
— and modern neuroscience agrees.
When people hear things that contradict their beliefs, the logical part of their mind shuts
down and their brain prepares to fight.
So you’ve stopped trying to be clever. But how do you get a reputation as a great
listener?
We’ve all heard that listening skills are vital but nobody explains the right way to do it.
What’s the secret?
Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next and focus on what they’re saying right
now.
Here’s Robin:
Listening isn’t shutting up. Listening is having nothing to say. There’s a difference
there. If you just shut up, it means you’re still thinking about what you wanted to say.
You’re just not saying it. The second that I think about my response, I’m half listening to
what you’re saying because I’m really waiting for the opportunity to tell you my story.
What you do is this: as soon as you have that story or thought that you want to share,
toss it. Consciously tell yourself, “I am not going to say it.”
All you should be doing is asking yourself, “What idea or thought that they mentioned
do I find fascinating and want to explore?”
Research shows just asking people to tell you more makes you more likable and gets
them to want to help you.
I know, I know — some people are just boring. You’re not that interested in what they’re
saying. So what questions do you ask then, smart guy?
Life can be tough for everyone: rich or poor, old or young. Everyone.
We all face challenges and we like to talk about them. So that’s what to ask about.
Here’s Robin:
A great question I love is challenges. “What kind of challenges did you have at work
this week? What kind of challenges do you have living in this part of the country? What
kinds of challenges do you have raising teenagers?” Everyone has got challenges. It
gets people to share what their priorities in life are at that point in time.
Questions are incredibly powerful. What’s one of the most potent ways to influence
someone? Merely asking for advice.
Via Adam Grant’s excellent Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success:
Twisting your mustache thinking you can use this for nefarious purposes? Wrong,
Snidely Whiplash. It only works when you’re sincere.
But what if you have to approach someone cold? How do you get people who might not
want to talk to you to willingly give you their attention?
First thing: tell them you only have a minute because you’re headed out the door.
Here’s Robin:
When people think you’re leaving soon, they relax. If you sit down next to someone
at a bar and say, “Hey, can I buy you a drink?” their shields go way up. It’s “Who are
you, what do you want, and when are you leaving?” That “when are you leaving” is what
you’ve got to answer in the first couple of seconds.
Research shows just asking people if now is a good time makes them more likely to
comply with requests:
The results showed that compliance rates were higher when the requester inquired
about respondents’ availability and waited for a response than when he pursued his set
speech without waiting and inquiring about respondents’ availability.
Nobody wants to feel trapped talking to some weirdo. People are more likely to help you
than you think, but they need to feel safe and in control.
Even if you get all of the above right you can still come off like a shady used car
salesman. And that fear stops you from meeting new awesome people.
Robin says one of the key reasons people come off as untrustworthy is because their
words and their body language are misaligned. Let’s fix that.
Your words should be positive, free of ego and judgment — and your body language
(“non-verbals”) needs to match.
Research backs him up. From Dale Carnegie to peer-reviewed studies, everyone says
smiles matter. (In fact, to increase their power, smile slower.)
It makes us happier too. Neuroscience research shows smiling gives the brain as much
pleasure as 2000 bars of chocolate — or $25,000.
Depending on whose smile you see, the researchers found that one smile can be as
pleasurable and stimulating as up to 2,000 bars of chocolate! …it took up to 16,000
pounds sterling in cash to generate the same level of brain stimulation as one smile!
This is equivalent to about $25,000 per smile…
So now you come off as the pleasant person you are, not as a scheming taker. But what
do you do when the other person is a scheming taker?
The name of this blog is not “Helpful Tools For Sociopaths.” I’m not trying to teach you
to manipulate others.
But what should do you do when you feel someone is using these methods to try and
manipulate you?
Don’t be hostile but be direct: ask them what they want. What are their goals in this
interaction?
Here’s Robin:
The first thing I try to do is clarify goals. I’ll stop and say, “You’re throwing a lot of
good words at me. Obviously you’re very skilled at what you’re doing. But what I’m
really curious about… What’s your goal? What are you trying to achieve? I’m here with
my goals, but obviously you have to achieve your goals. So if you can just tell me what
your objectives are, we can start from there and see if we can mutually take care of
them. If not, that’s fine too.”
Want to build a connection with someone? Focus on trust, not tricks. That’s how you
earn respect. Trust is fragile. And mistrust is self-fulfilling.
When you ask people what the most important character trait is, what do they say?
Trustworthiness.
That’s a lot more to digest than “Just be yourself” but far more effective. Let’s round it
up and make it something you can start using today.
Sum Up