03/07/2020

Dr Jane Bradshaw

Child Psychiatrist

Wickham Tce

Spring Hill

Brisbane

Dear Dr Bradshaw,

Re: Jackson Martin, DOB: 12/03/2011

I am writing to request full psychiatric assessment for Jackson, who is manifesting a clinical picture
suggestive of autistic spectrum disorder.

Regarding Jackson’s family and social backgrounds, Hhis parents divorced in 2016 for which and he lives
20/8/20 9:05 AM
with his mother and step-father with two step brothers. His mother has a history of drug abuse, binge
Comment [1]: This is an uncountable noun
drinking and depression. He attends year three in primary school, and he has difficulty in making friends, in this context so it is not used in plural form.
interacting and picking up on social cues. He is disruptive during class, and he has repetitive behaviour. 20/8/20 8:51 AM
Please note, he has had a developmental delay in speech and language assessment at the age of three. Comment [2]: This relative clause structure
does not work here. You could use “because
of which, he lives”, but it is more natural to
just use ‘and’ here.

On 20/01/2015, Jackson was brought in by his parents concerning concerned about his speech as he
only can say individual words and short sentences without full sentences. Speech and language
20/8/20 8:54 AM
assessment revealed delayed speech, for which a referral to a speech therapist was arranged. Six
Comment [3]: This is not really necessary
months later, he had no improvement, and but his hearing assessment was normal. He has been out of as you already mentioned short sentences
town since then as his family moved for work. just before.

20/8/20 8:56 AM
Today, Jackson had an argument and fight fought with other childrens, and he had been progressing Comment [4]: Children is already plural so
you do not need to add ‘s’.
poorly in school over the past two terms for about which his teachers were concerned. His parents were
20/8/20 8:56 AM
disturbed due to his angry behaviour, and he spends prolonged time alone playing with one toy only. On Deleted: low
examination, he had a vague facial expression, no eye contact and a minimal response to questions. 20/8/20 8:57 AM
Deleted: behaviuor


Your evaluation of Jackson’s condition would be greatly valued. If you require any further clarification,
please do not hesitate to get in contact.
20/8/20 8:47 AM
Comment [5]: This has been a constant
comment. “get in contact” is a bit too
informal. Try: do not hesitate to contact me.
Yours sincerely,

Doctor

Writing Feedback

Criteria Needs work Satisfactory Strong

Purpose X

Content X

Conciseness X
& Clarity
Genre & X
Style
Organisation X
& Layout
Language X

Overall Hawazen,
Comments
While this is an attempt to improve on focus areas, there are
frequent errors in language which are impacting overall
performance and clarity. The key areas involve articles, spelling,
verb form and prepositions. In addition, you have a heavy reliance
on compound structures (using simple connectives such as ‘and’).
Further extension through complex structures could be useful to
demonstrate your range. As for content and purpose, these are
adequately established and extended, so the key issues are centred
on language. Have a look at the grammar clinic and utilise the live
grammar classes to assist with increasing overall accuracy. If you
have questions about the corrections, feel free to contact me.

Focus areas:
• Articles
 • Verb form
• Spelling
• Prepositions

OVERALL GRADE: C+ (around 340).