Dumbass Trio:

Hamuko, driving Minato and Ryoji: So how was your day?

Ryoji: We almost got surprise adopted!
Hamuko: What?
Minato: We almost got kidnapped.
Hamuko: Oh, okay.
Hamuko: slams on the breaks WAIT WHAT?!

Hamuko: I told Minato his ears flush when they lie.

Ryoji: Why?
Hamuko: Look.
Hamuko: Hey Minato! Do you love Ryoji?
Minato, covering their ears: No.
Ryoji:

Hamuko: Why are you on the floor?

Minato: I'm depressed.
Minato: Also I was stabbed, can you get Ryoji, please.

Hamuko: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life.

Minato: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?
Hamuko: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the
conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends
with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.
Ryoji: edible

Hamuko: Let me show you a picture from last night that really upset me.
Minato: Okay, but in my defense, Ryoji bet me 50 cents I couldn’t drink all that shampoo.
Hamuko: That’s not what I wanted to- you drank SHAMPOO?!

Hamuko: I trust Minato.

Ryoji: You think he knows what he’s doing?
Hamuko: I wouldn't go that far.

The group is getting into the car.

Hamuko: I’m driving.
Minato, out of view: Shotgun!
Ryoji, turning to face Minato: Aww! But you had it on the way here-
Everyone except Minato: WOAH-
Minato, holding a shotgun: No! I found a shotgun! And I want the front seat! Pumps gun

Hamuko: Please bring home PURIFIED water with NO minerals added for taste.
Minato: We got spring water.
Hamuko: NO.
Ryoji: with EXTRA minerals
Minato: it's like licking a stalagmite.
Hamuko: DON'T COME HOME.
Ryoji: Mmmmm cave water
Hamuko: Hey Minato,
Minato: Yes?
Hamuko: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?
Minato:
Minato: Where’s Ryoji?

Hamuko: We need a distraction.

Minato: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?
Ryoji, whispering: My time has come.

Store Worker: Would a Ms. Hamuko please come to the front desk?
Hamuko, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?
Store Worker: points to Minato and Ryoji
Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?
Minato and Ryoji, simultaneously: We got lost :(
Hamuko: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me-

Hamuko: Fitness tip: never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why not keep
going? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness.
Minato: Next time you’re working out do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat a whole
cake instead of just a slice. Burn your ex’s house down. You can do it. I believe in you.
Ryoji: There were so many mixed messages in that I can’t-

Hamuko: So, what, now I’m just supposed to do anything that Minato does? I mean, what if they
jumped off a cliff?
Ryoji: If Minato were to jump off a cliff, they would’ve done their due diligence regarding the height of
the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Minato jump off a cliff, by all
means, jump off a cliff.
Hamuko: You jump off a cliff!
Ryoji: Gladly. Provided Minato did first.

Hamuko, to Minato: My life is in the hands of an idiot!

Minato, motioning to themself and Ryoji: No no no no no, TWO idiots!

Hamuko: HELP! I TOLD RYOJI I’D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN’T COOK!
Minato, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

Hamuko: If you had to choose between Minato and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you
choose?
Ryoji: That depends, how much money are we talking about?
Minato: Ryoji!
Hamuko: 63 cents.
Ryoji: I'll take the money.
Minato: RYOJI!!!

Hamuko: What did you do with Ryoji's body?

Minato: What didn’t I do with the body?
Hamuko:
Minato: Okay, that sounded more sexual than I intended. I disposed of the corpse respectfully.

Hamuko: Tell Minato about the birds and the bees.

Ryoji: They're disappearing at an alarming rate.

Hamuko: Oh, Ryoji, it’s just you.

Minato: We were afraid it was somebody important.

Hamuko: Alright, now everyone pay attention. I have an announcement to make and I only have a
minute.
Minato: Why?
Ryoji: Are you in a hurry?
Hamuko: No, I was referring to your relatively short attention spans.

Hamuko: Hey, Minato? Can I get some dating advice?

Minato: Just because I’m with Ryoji doesn’t mean I know how I did it.

Ryoji: Last night I found out Minato is a sleep talker.

Hamuko: Oh, really?
Ryoji: "The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell." Right. In. My. Ear. At 3am.

Minato: talking about Hamuko’s funeral You do know we’re burying a great person today!
Ryoji, shocked: Did someone else die?

Hamuko: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.
Ryoji: Screw that, I’m not kissing any of you.
Minato walks in
Ryoji: Fine, I’ll do it. Rules are rules you know.

Hamuko: So, are you two dating now?

Minato & Ryoji: Yes.
Hamuko: Why?
Minato: I happen to find Ryoji very appealing.
Hamuko: Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Ryoji.

Hamuko: Do you mind if I slyly mention that you’re single?

Minato: Do not do that.
Hamuko: You won’t even notice!
Ryoji, entering: Hamuko, you wanted to see me again?
Hamuko: Mianto's single
Minato:

playing twister
Hamuko: Right hand red.
Ryoji: ends up on top of Minato.
Minato: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
Hamuko: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.
Hamuko: What’s it like being tall?
Hamuko: Is it nice?
Hamuko: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?
Ryoji: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb 4 chairs, 2 boxes, a
small coffee table and 6 oddly placed stools to get what they want.
Minato: It was one time!

Hamuko: What's a word that’s a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?

Minato: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-
Ryoji: Smad.

Hamuko: Hey, Minato, are you free on Friday? Like around eight?
Minato: Yeah.
Hamuko: And you, Ryoji?
Ryoji: Umm... yes?
Hamuko: Great! Because I'm not. You two go out without me. Enjoy your date!
Ryoji: Did she just-

Hamuko: Minato, have you seen Ryoji?

Minato: I'm not seeing Ryoji!
Hamuko: ... What?
Minato: What?

Hamuko: Ryoji would throw himself in front of a moving car for you.
Minato: Ryoji would throw himself in front of a moving car for fun.

Hamuko: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

Minato: Wasn't Ryoji with you?
Ryoji: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

Ryoji, showing off a new scarf: what do you think?

Hamuko: damn that scarf looks dope.
Hamuko: and I bet it’d look even better on Minato’s floor.
Minato: Are you hitting on Ryoji… for me?

Hamuko: You think you're smarter than everyone else.

Minato: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am.

Hamuko: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.

Minato: The cow???
Hamuko: What?
Ryoji: Minato, W H Y?
Hamuko: Be careful!
Minato: I always am.
Ryoji: I respectfully disagree.

Minato: I just had a long talk with Ryoji and Hamuko about hitting and now they are yelling that “it’s my
turn to perpetuate the cycle of violence” before hitting each other.

Hamuko: They stole from me first!

Minato: Mhmmm
Hamuko: Stole my heart…
Ryoji: It’s still illegal to commit murder.

Minato: Our first year as a married couple and we’re still in love.
Ryoji: In your face those who said we couldn’t last a year!
Hamuko: I stand by my wedding toast.

Minato: I think Ryoji is in trouble.

Hamuko: Alright. Struggling to give a fuck if I’m being honest.

Idiot(affectionate), Asshole(loving):
Akihiko: How petty can you get?
Shinjiro: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

Akihiko: I’m gonna ask you to be respectful

Shinjiro: I politely decline.

Shinjiro: Aki, is something burning?

Akihiko, leaning seductively against the counter: Just my desire for you.
Shinjiro: The toaster is on fire. Goddamit not again Aki.

Shinjiro: You’re right.

Akihiko: That’s… that’s an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

Akihiko: We’re having another moment, aren’t we?

Shinjiro: If by a moment, you mean me not wanting to strangle you for the first time since we’ve met,
then I guess we are.

Shinjiro: I need to dye my hair.

Akihiko: …
Shinjiro: Or get a tattoo.
Akihiko: ….
Shinjiro: Or a new piercing.
Akihiko: Why?
Shinjiro: To, you know, appease the mental breakdown gods.

Akihiko: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS???

Shinjiro: I used no more tears shampoo as a child, I haven’t felt a single sane emotion since.
Akihiko: I think you’re still suffering from the effects of your party last night.
Shinjiro: I only drank Red Bull!
Akihiko: How many?
Shinjiro: Eighteen.

Akihiko: Do you have any skeletons in your closest?

Shinjiro: Do you mean literally or figuratively?
Akihiko: Honestly, the fact that I have to specify…

Shinjiro: I like puzzles.

Akihiko: No you don’t.
Shinjiro: I love puzzles.
Akihiko: You literally talk back to the crossword. You yell at it.
Shinjiro: Can I tell you something about the crossword? Very often, they put the wrong number of boxes
to house the correct word.

Shinjiro: I can never give Akihiko shit because I’m jealous of him. He looks at his life and says, “Sweet!
This is perfect!”
Shinjiro: I look at my life and say, “Welp. Time to get drunk.”

Shinjiro: Okay maybe playing “who’s family is the most dysfunctional” wasn’t a good idea. Akihiko’s
been crying in the bathroom for an hour and we can’t get him out.

Akihiko: I was never one to hold grudges. Shinji held grudges. I’ll always hate him for that.

Shinjiro: That sounds like a terrible plan.

Akihiko: We’ve had worse.

Shinjiro: God give me patience.

Akihiko: I think you mean “God give me strength”
Shinjiro: If God gave me strength, you’d be dead.

Akihiko: We have fun don’t we Shinji?

Shinjiro: I have never been more stressed out in my life.

Shinjiro: So what do you have planned for the future?

Akihiko: Lunch.
Shinjiro: No, like long term.
Akihiko: Uh, dinner?

Shinjiro, tending to Akihiko’s wounds: How would you rate your pain?
Akihiko: Zero stars. Would NOT recommend.

Akihiko: Part of me worries that when you’re a big deal, you’ll be embarrassed by me.
Shinjiro: Oh Aki, don’t be ridiculous. I’m already embarrassed by you.

Akihiko: It’s not that funny.

Shinjiro: I thought it was funny.
Akihiko: You don’t count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you thought of a
meme you saw.

Shinjiro: What’s your type?!

Akihiko: Brunette, real asshole, a persona user.
Shinjiro, as Akihiko is bleeding out: Your BLOOD TYPE idiot!
Akihiko: Oh! B positive
Shinjiro: DON’T TRY TO CHEER ME UP. TELL ME YOUR BLOOD TYPE.
Akihiko:

Akihiko: This is your chance to do the right thing.

Shinjiro: I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

Shinjiro: Could you please go to the store and get a carton of milk? If they have avocados, get six.
Akihiko, coming back from the store with six cartons of milk: They have avocados!

Shinjiro: Fuck.
Akihiko: We’ve got to work on your cursing.
Shinjiro: Why? I think I’m pretty good at it already.

Akihiko: I can’t believe how bad this looks.

Shinjiro: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because, if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings
regenerate at the twice the speed of a normal man’s.

Akihiko: That’s illegal right?

Shinjiro: Why do you care? Are you a fucking cop?
Akihiko: No-
Shinjiro: Then shut the fuck up.

Shinjiro: See you in hell.

Akihiko: Are you trying to ask me out on a date?
Akihiko: Because if so, I accept.

Akihiko: You often use humour to deflect trauma.

Shinjiro: Thank you.
Akihiko: I didn’t that was a good thing.
Shinjiro: What I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny.

Akihiko, about Shinjiro: No I’m not in love with him. He’s just someone I stare at and I like and when he’s
not here, it ruins my day.

Shinjiro: Here you go Aki. Nice hot cup of coffee.

Akihiko: It’s cold.
Shinjiro: A nice cup of coffee.
Akihiko: It’s horrible.
Shinjiro: Cup of coffee.
Akihiko: I’m not even sure this IS coffee.
Shinjiro: C U P.
Akihiko: How you hate to be wrong.
Shinjiro: I wouldn’t know, I’m not familiar with the sensation.

Teacher: Your child was in a fight.

Akihiko: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Shinjiro: Did he win?

Akihiko: You’re the “second worst thing to happen to those orphans” what does that mean?
Shinjiro: It means I’m the second worst thing to happen to those orphans.
Akihiko: But what’s the first worst thing?
Awkward silence.
Shinjiro: Aki, they weren’t always orphans…
Akihiko:

Akihiko: Shinji do you have to look at everything in such a negative light?

Shinjiro: Do you mean the harsh light of reality?

Akihiko: Hopefully, Shinji has learned a lesson about respecting other people’s feelings.
Shinjiro: Shut up and die Aki.

Twink, Twink, Son:

Akihiko: So I’m kind of in love with someone, but I’m worried about telling you who it is because you’re
not going to like it.
Ken: Just rip the bandage off.
Akihiko: It’s Shinji.
Ken: Put the bandage back on.

Akihiko, about Shinjiro: It’s weird, it’s like… I… I like him. Much.
Ken: …
Ken: You like him much?

Akihiko, looking through his clothes: Has anybody seen my top?

Ken: Shinjiro-san’s in the kitchen.

Shinjiro: What happens if I press the brake and the gas at the same time?
Akihiko: The car takes a screenshot.
Ken: For the last time, get the fuck out.

Akihiko: The best part of an Oreo is cookie part, not the frosting. Deal with it.
Shinjiro: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You can’t have a coin with
one side.
Ken: YO SOCRATES! IT’S A FUCKING COOKIE!

Akihiko: You have to apologize to Shinji.

Ken: Fine.
Ken: “Unfuck you” or whatever.
In the chip aisle of Walmart, late at night
Ken: minding his own business, looking for tortilla chips.
Ken: finds tortilla chips.
Akihiko: See, he knows what he’s here for. He knows what he’s doing. Be more like him. Make a decision
Shinji!

Shinjiro and Akihiko sitting in jail together.

Shinjiro: So who should we call?
Akihiko: I’d call Ken but I feel like jail is safer.

Shinjiro, about Ken: He’s speaking some kind of French.

Akihiko: Let me handle this. I speak Spanish, it’s the same thing.

Akihiko: Shinji and I are having a baby.

Ken: That’s gre-
Akihiko, slamming adoption papers on the table: It’s you, sign here.

Akihiko: What time is it?

Shinjiro: I don’t know, pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out. BLASTS the saxophone.
Ken: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT 2 AM???
Shinjiro: It’s 2 AM.

SEES:
Hamuko: Imagine if someone handed you a box of all the items you lost throughout your life.
Minato: Self-esteem! I haven’t seen you in years!
Ryoji: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thanks for finding this!
Akihiko: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!
Ken: My moral code, is that you?
Hamuko:
Hamuko: I was just going to show you this cool trunk my mother left me, but do you guys need a hug?

Hamuko: Ryoji, I know you love Minato. I mean, we all do, they’re a very nice person and I respect him
immensely.
Hamuko: But I think they might be a fucking idiot.

Minato: I wish I was a dinosaur.

Junpei: Why? Cause they’re big and scary?
Minato: Because they’re dead.

Ken: I’m bored.

Shinjiro: Want to commit first degree murder?
Ken: Sure!
Akihiko, hearing them: No- stop, don’t do that! Put that knife down! Put Junpei down!

Hamuko: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study of what Ryoji will and will not eat.
Minato: Grass? Yes!
Hamuko: Moss? Yes!!
Minato: Leaves? Ohh yes!
Hamuko: Shoelaces? Strange but true!
Minato: Worms? Sometimes!
Hamuko: Rocks? Usually nah.
Minato: Twigs? Usually!
Hamuko: Ken’s cooking? Inconclusive!
Akihiko: How… did you test this?
Hamuko: You just hand him stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if he eats it, he eats it.
Akihiko: … I don’t how know how I feel about this.
Ken: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

Shinjiro: Some people are like slinkies.

Minato: What?
Shinjiro: Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
Minato:
Minato: Please don’t push my sister or Ryoji down the stairs.
Shinjiro, pushing both of them down the stairs: Too late.

Hamuko: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?
Minato: Have everyone stand.
Akihiko: Bring three more chairs!
Ryoji: The most important people can sit down.
Ken: Kill three.

Chidori: Are you this rude to everyone?

Shinjiro: Yes.
Shinjiro: Don’t think you’re special.

Hamuko: You’re a loose cannon Minato.

Minato: No, I’m not. I’m a cannon maybe, but a loose one? Is that what you think of me?
Ryoji: I think you play by your own rules.
Akihiko: No, they think rules were made to be broken.
Hamuko: Those are attributes of a loose cannon.
Minato: No, I’m just a reckless renegade. Ken is a loose cannon.
Ken: smashes a chair.

Akihiko: Anyone d-
Minato: Depressed?
Ken: Drained?
Hamuko: Dumb?
Ryoji: Disliked?
Akihiko -done with their work… what is wrong with you people?

Fuuka: Hey, no, you stay out of this. This is between me and Mitsuru!
Shinjiro: So Mitsuru knows about this?
Fuuka, walking away: No, this between me and me!

Hamuko: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff.

Minato: I witnessed the dumb stuff.
Ryoji: I recorded the dumb stuff.
Akihiko: I joined in the dumb stuff.
Ken: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!!

Akihiko: Pal’s night, done right. Sharing problems, origin stories, secrets.
Ryoji: I’ll start. I worked my way through school as a phone sex operator, 1-800-DJFeelGood.
Minato: I would totally call that. Um… I used to steal cars. Who’s next?
Ken: I was forged in the bowels of hell to torture the guilty for all eternity.
Akihiko: Interesting share.

Mitsuru: Anybody got any crayons so I can colour in my PhD?

Hamuko: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you get here so fast?
Minato: Several traffic violations.
Ryoji: Three counts of resisting arrest.
Akihiko: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.
Ken: Also, that’s not our car.

Akihiko: The night has always been a mystery to me. Because I go to bed at 7:30.

Shinjiro: What’s up? I’m back.

Akihiko: I literally saw you die. You died. You’re dead.
Shinjiro: Death is a social construct.

Chidori: You seem familiar, have I threatened you before?

Hamuko: Good responses to being stabbed with a knife?

Minato: Finally.
Ryoji: That’s fair.
Akihiko: Not again.
Ken: Are you going to want this back?

Shinjiro: I don’t want to control everything! I just want people and events to mold to my desire.

Mitsuru: Everything will be okay. You cannot stop it.

Mitsuru: Everything will be fine. You have no choice.
Chidori: What the fuck kind of pep talk is that?
Mitsuru: Ominous positivity.

Hamuko: Looking left cause you don’t treat me right

Minato: Looking right because you left
Ryoji: Looking up cause you let me down
Akihiko: Looking down cause you fucked up
Ken: What is wrong with you guys?

Ken: What’s my responsibility here? To comfort insecure heterosexual men? That can’t possibly fall to
me.
Shinjiro: Something’s off.
Chidori: Maybe you’ve finally developed human emotions and feel bad for hurting people.
Shinjiro: No, but that’s funny,

Hamuko: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends.

Minato: … Your what?
Hamuko: My friends.
Ryoji: Are they saying “friends”?
Akihiko: I think she’s being sarcastic.
Ken: No, no, no, this is delirium, they’ve cracked from being up all night. Hey, Hamuko! All your friends
are in this room.
Hamuko: I have other friends! You asked me to make new friends, I made new friends! It was a task. I
complete tasks.

Ryoji: My good looks are ruining people’s lives.

Yukari: It’s nice to be wanted, you know?

Mitsuru: Not by the law!

Minato: Nothing in life is free.

Hamuko: Love is free!
Ryoji: Adventure is free.
Akihiko: Knowledge is free.
Ken: Anything is free if you take it without paying.

Minato: I don’t do apologies, but I don’t want to kill you anymore.

Hamuko: My birthday wish is vengeance! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

Hamuko, texting Yukari: Rose are red, Tony Hawk is a skater…

Yukari’s phone autoreplying: I’m driving right now – I’ll get back to you later.
Later
Yukari, texting back: Fuck you.

Hamuko, trying to convince Ken to join them: You know… I thought it’d be good to have someone come
along who’s really… strong.
Minato: And loud!
Ryoji: And grumpy!
Akihiko: And oblivious to reality!
Ken:

Akihiko: What’s the signal if things go wrong?

Junpei: We yell “oh shit”
Minato: … that could work.

Hamuko: Where are Minato, Ryoji, and Akihiko?

Ken: They’re playing hide and seek.
Hamuko: Where?
Ken: I don’t think you understand how this game works.

Fuuka, texting: Answer your phone.

Shinjiro, texting back: Wait a minute, can’t find my phone.
Fuuka: Understood.
Fuuka, 5 minutes later: You’re a terrible person. You know you’re killing me. You’re killing me Shinjiro.

Hamuko: What’s something you guys are better than Minato at?
Ryoji: Mario Kart.
Akihiko: Yeah, video games.
Ken: Emotional vulnerability.

Hamuko: What are you getting Minato for the holidays?

Aigis: I don’t know. It’s kind of hard buying a gift for your partner when they already got everything they
could have wanted when they married you. So I’m not sure yet.
Ryoji: I’m getting Minato a divorce lawyer.

Hamuko: What did you guys get in your yearbook?

Minato: “Prettiest smile”
Ryoji: “Nicest personality”
Akihiko: “Most likely to start a bar fight”
Ken: “Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one”

Minato: Remember, violence is never the answer.

Ryoji: You’re right Mina, violence can’t be the answer.
Minato: Correct Ryoji… now on to the next lesso-
Ryoji: Violence is the question.
Ryoji: And the answer is yes!!
Minato: Ryoji no!!

Hamuko: Favourite horror movie?

Minato: It.
Ryoji: Saw!
Akihiko: Annabelle.
Ken: High School Musical. After watching it, I spent my middle school years terrified that the entire
school would start singing something and I would be the only one who wouldn’t know the lyrics.

Fuuka, opening a Capri Sun: Guess I’ll drink my sorrows away.

Hamuko: Bridge the generation gap by combining old slang and new!
Minato: Tubular AF!
Ryoji: Mood to the max!
Akihiko, annoyed: Groovy, I hate it.
Ken, just as annoyed: If she breathes, she’s a square.

Cop: You ran a red light.

Ryoji: So did you.
Cop: I was following you.
Ryoji: That was dumb, I’m a terrible driver.
Cop: Get out.

Hamuko: What does “take out” mean?

Akihiko: Food.
Ryoji: Dating.
Minato: Murder.
Ken: IT CAN MEAN ALL THREE IF YOU AREN’T A COWARD.

Ryoji: This is horrible! This is the most humiliating thing to happen to me!
Aigis: Oh-? More humiliating than-
Ryoji: We are not doing this!

Minato: Why is that statue smirking at me?

Hamuko: It’s not smirking at anyone, you’re all just imagining it.
Minato: Three of us saw it Hamuko, how do you explain that?
Hamuko: points at Ryoji sleep deprivation points at Akihiko paranoia points at Ken delusional personality
disorder.

Akihiko: My only talent is being stress.

Ken: Do you mean stressed?
Akihiko: No.

Hamuko: So uhhh... my question is: my friend keeps on going into the pantry and grabbing handfuls of
fettuccine... uncooked...
Akihiko: I would hope they're not grabbing handfuls of cooked fettuccine!
Ken: In your pantry!
Hamuko: Yeah... and eating them raw, and they keep calling them 'chips'. ... How do I make them stop?
Akihiko: Is your friend here?
Hamuko, motioning to Minato: Yeah.
Akihiko, to Minato: You're a monster! Words MEAN things! >:(
Ryoji: Does anybody remember- I haven't been to Olive Garden in many moons- but they DO have a like-
fettuccine bottle that you can just- grab em out of and chew-
Ryoji: HOLD ON. WAS THIS A PRANK YOU GUYS PULLED ON ME WHEN WE WENT TO OLIVE GARDEN AS
KIDS?!
Ryoji: NO, STOP. EVERYBODY SHUT UP. DO THEY GIVE YOU RAW FETTUCCINE TO CHEW ON IN THE
LOBBY OF THE OLIVE GARDEN
Everyone else: No.
Ryoji, to Akihiko and Ken: YOU FUCKIN BASTARDS
Akihiko: YAAAAAAAAY!
Ken: THE PRESTIGE!

Hamuko: Hey Joe said he’s coming over this afternoon.

Junpei: Cool.
Hamuko: Do you even know how Joe is?
Junpei: JOE MAMA.
Ken, not looking up from his phone: Damn that backfired.
Hamuko: I’m an idiot.
Minato:
Ryoji:
Akihiko:
Ken:
Hamuko:
Minato: If you’re waiting for us to disagree, this is going to be a long day.

Akihiko: It’s Christmas! Are you all in a Christmas mood?!

Chidori: Merry crisis.
Ken: Jingle bells, Jingle bells, single all the way.
Fuuka: Hoe hoe hoe.
Akihiko: Guys, please.

Hamuko: Bye Minato! Bye Ryoji! Bye Akihiko! Bye Ken! Bye Minato!
Ryoji: You said ‘bye Minato’ twice.
Hamuko: I like Minato.

Aigis: That’s the key slice of truth we need to complete the entire truth pie.
Minato: Ooh, can we get some real pie?
Aigis: I like the way you think.

Hamuko: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything?
Minato: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies
Ken: Socks are Feetie Heaties
Akihiko: Forks are Stabby Grabbies
Minato: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties
Ken: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies
Akihiko: Stamps are Lickie Stickies
Ryoji, annoyed: You are disappointments.

Fuuka: sees Ken and Touya together

Fuuka: They’re cute. I would put them on a boat.
Yukari: You mean… you ship them?

Akihiko, teaching Chidori to drive: Okay, you’re driving and Junpei and Hamuko walk into the road.
Quick, what do you hit?
Chidori: Oh definitely Junpei. I could never hurt Hamuko.
Akihiko, massaging his temples: The brakes. You hit the brakes.

Hamuko: Croissants, dropped.

Minato: Road, works ahead.
Ryoji: BBQ sauce, on my titties.
Akihiko: Shavacado, fre.
Ken: Miss Keisha, fucking dead.
Shinjiro:
Shinjiro, grumpy: I didn’t understand a single word of that and I hate you all.
Hamuko, walking into her house: Hello people who do not live here.
Minato: Hey.
Ryoji: Hi.
Akihiko: Hello.
Ken: Hey!
Hamuko: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!
Shinjiro: We were out of Doritos.

Hamuko: Forgive me father, for I have sinny-sin-sinned.

Everyone over at Hamuko’s house

Minato: Ohhhh, do we each get our own oven?
Hamuko: …. N-no…
Hamuko, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have?
Minato, motioning to her kitchen: Three, I thought!
Ryoji: I see a-
Hamuko, gesturing to one device: This is a microwave.
Minato: Oh, well I-
Hamuko: Hey wait wait, actually - hang on – fiddles with the buttons on the microwave.
Hamuko, amazed: Its got a bake setting!
Akihiko: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!
Ken: Do we – Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?
Hamuko: Now I’ve just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don’t have to roshambo
nothing!
Hamuko: I am someone who owns four ovens.
Hamuko, louder and way too happy: I am someone… who owns FOUR OVENS…
Shinjiro, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven.
Hamuko:
Minato: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!
Hamuko:
Hamuko, fucking ESTATIC: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS

Akihiko: Good to know my pinky is just long enough to set off my car pussy.
Aigis: What. The. FUCK.
Akihiko: What?
Chidori: I’m sorry, what-
Fuuka: Your fucking what?
Chidori: H U H?

Hamuko: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.
Minato: What if it bites me and it dies!?
Ryoji: Then you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, Minato, learn to listen.
Akihiko: What if it bites itself and I die?
Ken: That’s voodoo.
Shinjiro: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Minato: That’s correlation, not causation.
Akihiko: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?
Ken: That’s kinky.
Hamuko: Oh my God.

Hamuko: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?
Minato: Nope, absolutely not.
Ryoji: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.
Ken: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.
Akihiko: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.
Shinjiro: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.

Hamuko: We’re about to do the taser challenge. You want in?

Ken: What’s the taser challenge?
Yukari: We tase each other and then drink.
Ken: How do you win?
Hamuko: What are you? A lawyer? You want in or not?

Hamuko: Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat

Minato: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I’d have 15 cents
Hamuko: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have
enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you
Ryoji: Actually I did the math, Minato would have $225, not $0.15.
Minato: Fam I’m right here....
Akihiko: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)
Hamuko: while you’re there could you buy me an apply juice please?
Akihiko: Sorry I only have a dollar
Hamuko: :(
Ryoji: Hey I just realized my friend is right, Minato would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every
pixel, not a cent
Akihiko: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice
Ryoji: You can buy anything you want with $22,500
Ken: Yeah and he wants soda and apply juice
Ryoji: Apply juice to what
Shinjiro: Directly to the forehead
Minato: Great chat everyone

Minato: Hamuko, you’re my best friend.

Hamuko: Best friend? BEST friend?! Bitch I’m your only friend.
Hamuko: I’M THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF TOLERATING YOUR DUMB ASS!

Reactions to being told “I love you.”

Hamuko: Thanks!
Minato: Oh no.
Ryoji: crying I love you too!
Ken: Sounds fake, but okay
Akihiko: flustered mess
Shinjiro: Can I get a refund?

Shinjiro, confused and exasperated: Aki, how do you plan on tell a bear to go vegan?
Akihiko: Politely.

Hamuko: Rules are made to be broken.

Akihiko: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Ryoji: Uh, piñatas.
Minato: Glow sticks.
Ken: Karate boards.
Shinjiro: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Hamuko: Rules.
Akihiko:

Sho: So… what would you do if you were in bed with me?
Yukari: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?
Sho: Yes.
Yukari: I’d sleep.

Hamuko: Time for plan G.

Minato: Don’t you mean plan B?
Hamuko: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
Ryoji: What about plan D?
Hamuko: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
Akihiko: What about plan E?
Hamuko: I’m hoping not to use it. Ken dies in plan E.
Shinjiro: I like plan E.

Akihiko: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We’re smarter than this!
Ken: Apparently not.

Hamuko: Just be yourself.

Minato: 'Be myself'? Hamuko, I have one day to win Ryoji over. How long did it take before you guys
started liking me?
Akihiko: Couple weeks.
Ken: Six months.
Shinjiro: Jury’s still out.
Minato: See, Hamuko?
Minato: 'Be myself'. What kind of garbage advice is that?

Minato: Hey, you want a tarot reading?

Akihiko: Those are Pokémon cards.
Minato: You got magikarp.
Akihiko: …
Minato: It means “fuck you”.

Hamuko: We need to distract these guys

Minato: Leave it to me
Minato: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.
Ryoji, Akihiko, and Ken: Immediately begin arguing
Shinjiro, watching in horror: Oh this. I don’t like this. I don't like this at all.
Fuuka: Can I have 2 straws with that milkshake?
Ken: Aw… for you and-
Fuuka: With 2 straws, I can drink it double as fast!

Hamuko: Hewwo.
Minato: Hihiiiiii!
Ryoji: Greetings, Humans.
Ken: Three kinds of people.
Akihiko: I want pudding.
Hamuko: Four kinds of people.
Shinjiro: WHAT’S UP FUCKERS?
Ken: Five kinds of people.

Sho: I baked you a pie!

Minato: Really? What flavour?
Sho: pulls a gun out of the pie DEATH!
Minato: Finally.

Hamuko: Dumbest scar stories, go!

Minato: I burned my tongue once drinking tea.
Ryoji: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it.
Akihiko: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first
grade.
Ken: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad
burn.
Shinjiro:
Shinjiro: I have emotional scars.

Yukari: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?

Mitsuru: >:O language!
Ken: Yeah, watch your fucking language.
Shinjiro: Okay, who taught Ken the fuck word?!
Hamuko: “The fuck word”
Akihiko: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time.
Ken: Oh my god, he censored it.
Hamuko: Say fuck Akihiko.
Ken: Do it, Dad. Say fuck.

Hamuko: Minato... How do I begin to explain Minato?

Ryoji: Minato is flawless.
Akihiko: I hear their hair's insured for $10,000.
Ken: I hear he does car commercials... in Japan.
Shinjiro: One time they punched me in the face... it was awesome.

Ken to Shinjiro: We smell of sweat and loss.

Fuuka: Swear words are illegal now. If you say one, you’ll be fined.
Shinjiro: Heck.
Fuuka: You’re on thin fucking ice.
Fuuka: Oh no-

Minato: I can explain.

Hamuko: Can you?
Minato: If you give me thirty seconds to think of a lie.

Shinjiro: I’m not a doctor, I’m a medic.

Akihiko: What’s the difference?
Shinjiro: Well doctors actually save lives, medics just make you feel more comfortable as you die.
Hamuko: Note to self; never get shot.

Minato: Where are you going?

Hamuko: To get ice cream or commit a felony. I’ll decide on the way there.

Kidnapper: We have your child.

Minato: I don’t have a child.
Kidnapper: Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crusts of their sandwich?
Minato: Oh my god, you have Ryoji.

Minato: Hamuko was banned from the chicken shack, so we had to go out of town to get some.
Hamuko: Well, they shouldn’t have said “all you can eat” if they didn’t mean it.
Minato: Hamuko, you ate a chair.

Shinjiro: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I’ll wait.
Akihiko: You and me!
Shinjiro: tearing up Okay.

Minato: Hamuko and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other’s-
Hamuko: Sentences.
Minato: Don’t interrupt me.

Akihiko: Shinji, what does IDK, ILY, and TTYL mean?

Shinjiro: I don’t know, I love you, talk to you later.
Akihiko: Alright, I love you too, I’ll ask Ken.
Shinjiro: Wait- Aki, no-

Hamuko: Go to hell.
Minato, tearing up: I wish I could.

Chidori: Hey there demons, it’s me, ya boi.

Junpei: Chidori, NO!

Minato: How do I deal with my enemies?

Hamuko: Kill them
Minato: That's a bit extreme, I was hoping for a more passive solution
Hamuko: Kill them only a little?
Fuuka, pointing to the wall: What colour is this?
Yukari: Grey.
Mitsuru: Grey.
Fuuka, turning to Akihiko: Now tell them what colour you think it is.
Akihiko: Dark white.

Hamuko: It’s your turn to wash the dishes.

Minato: I’LL WASH THE WALLS RED WITH YOUR BLOOD.
Hamuko: ‘Kay, but before that, wash the dishes, also use soap this time?

Minato: I’m actually evil incarnate.

Minato: No I’m not actually, I just enjoy being evil.
Minato: Which I think actually makes it more evil, because I’m making a conscious effort.

Minato: That’s actually one of my biggest fears. Like, if I ever woke up as a donut…
Ryoji: You would eat yourself?
Minato: I wouldn’t even question it.

Akihiko: Ken what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight?
Ken: Go out and kill shadows.
Akihiko: And what did you do?
Ken: Went out and killed shadows.

Minato: If there’s gonna be a big dramatic scene, wait until I get back.
Ryoji: Of course. I can’t flip this table by myself.

Mitsuru: I need you to come meet me, and I need you to come alone.
Akihiko: And I need you to be less vague and weird.

Minato, going over Ryoji’s resume with him: Okay, so right here, you said you’re creative.
Ryoji: Yes.
Minato: What exactly do you create?
Ryoji: Problems.

Ryoji: We both look very handsome tonight.

Minato: You know, if you’d just said that I looked handsome, I would have said “so do you”
Ryoji: I couldn’t take that chance.

Minato: I’m going to take you out.

Ryoji: Great, it’s a date!
Minato: I meant that as a threat.
Ryoji: See you at five!

Akihiko: Someone take me to art museums and make out with me.
Shinjiro: But they said not to touch the masterpieces.
Akihiko: Well someone’s got to pin the artwork to the walls.
Yukari, on her walkie talkie: This is Yukari, those idiots are fucking around in the East Wing again.
Minato: Ryoji…
Ryoji: Oh no “Ryoji” in b-flat…
Ryoji: You’re disappointed.

Shinjiro: writing a letter.

Shinjiro: Dear Santa, I’m writing to let you know I’ve been naughty. And it was worth it you fat
judgmental bastard.

Minato: stubs his toe FUCK!

Ryoji: Mind your language!
Minato: What else am I supposed to say? “Woe is I”?
Ryoji:
Minato: You have to accept that swear words are necessary sometimes.

Fuuka: New year, same me. Because I’m perfect.

Minato: Can you keep a secret?

Ryoji: Do you know anything about my life?
Minato: No I do not. Good point.

Ryoji: Guys, I’ve been meaning to tell you… Minato and I are dating.
Minato, Junpei, Akihiko, and Sho: gasp
Ryoji: Minato, why are you surprised?!

Minato: Look. I may not be a saint, but it's not like I’ve killed anybody. I’m not an arsonist. I’ve never
found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so
just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.
Ryoji: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

Aigis: I'm gonna get my pilot's license. I've already got a driver's license and a cosmetology license, that's
two of the big five licenses.
Fuuka: The big five licenses?
Aigis: Driver's license, cosmetology license, pilot's license, fishing license, and… license to kill. I can't wait
to get that one.

Minato: This is such a bad idea.

Ryoji: Then why are you coming along?
Minato: One of us needs to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this inevitably  goes wrong.

Chidori: How long do you think it will take?

Ken: I don’t know, three or four.
Chidori: Three or four what? Days? Weeks? Months?
Ken: Yeah, maybe five.
Chidori: Five what?!

Minato: Three words. Say them and I’m yours.

Ryoji: Three words.
Minato:

Akihiko: I CAN'T DO IT!

Shinjiro, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!
Akihiko: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE
Yukari: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT.
BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.
Akihiko:
Akihiko: I appreciate it,
Akihiko: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-
Minato: Akihiko-
Akihiko: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!
Fuuka: Akihiko we gotta-
Akihiko: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.
Akihiko: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY, 'What am I willing to put up with today?'
Akihiko, motioning to Ken: NOT FUCKING THIS!

Minato: Change is inedible.

Ryoji: Don’t you mean inevitable?
Minato, spitting out coins: No, I did not.

Minato: Love makes people do stupid things.

Ryoji: I love everything!
Minato: That explains a lot.

Minato: Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing. Everything is going to be fine!
Ryoji: How can you still say that?
Minato: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

Minato: Standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak like “look at this fucking flower. This
flower is taller than I am. This flower is winning and I’m losing.”
Ryoji: Wow, you are not ready to hear about trees.

Minato: So that’s my plan.

Ryoji: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don’t want to sound mean.
Minato: No, go ahead, I want to hear it.
Ryoji: It fucking sucks.
Minato: That’s not constructive criticism.

Shinjiro: Now, the recipe calls for 2 shots of vodka.

Shinjiro: upends the bottle.

Minato: Sorry it took me so long to bail you out of jail.

Ryoji: No it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have used my one phone call to prank call the police.

Akihiko: Why would you give a knife to Ken?!

Shinjiro, shrugging: He felt unsafe.
Akihiko: Now I feel unsafe!
Shinjiro: I’m sorry…
Shinjiro: Would you like a knife?

Ryoji: Welcome fellow idiots.

Minato: Hello, Ryoji.
Ryoji: No, no, not you. You’re not an idiot.
Minato: You underestimate me.

Minato: Unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, I cannot just ‘walk up and join a circle of
people talking’ but that does sound lovely, thank you.

Ryoji: So are we flirting right now?

Minato: I AM LITERALLY STABBING YOU!
Ryoji: That doesn’t answer my question.

Yukari: Oh so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, its ‘intelligent’ and
‘really cool’
Yukari: But when I do it, I’m ‘petty’ and ‘need to let it go’

Minato: I went through an entire character arc during quarantine

Minato: I became eviler if you’re curious
Ryoji: We're still in quarantine, don't worry, there's time for a redemption arc still!
Minato: I’m going to get worse on purpose.

Ryoji: I’m the sexiest bitch in this therapy waiting room.

Minato: holding a bottle Is this whiskey or perfume?

Ryoji: chugs entire bottle
Ryoji: It’s perfume.

Ken: I have no respect for Santa. Don’t sneak in through the chimney and undermine my authority by
bringing my family presents. Walk in through the front door and fight me like a man.

Minato: Okay, help me please!

Ryoji: I’ve got two words for you.
Minato: I bet they won’t be helpful.
Ryoji: Your problem.
Minato: I was right.

Akihiko: Just took a personality test and got an A+

Minato, talking to Ryoji on the phone: Did you preheat the oven like I asked you to?
Ryoji: You bet!
Minato: At what temperature?
Ryoji: 535
Minato: That’s the clock.
Ryoji:
Minato:
Ryoji: 536

Ryoji: My life isn’t as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look.

Minato and Ryoji skipping stones on a lake.

Ryoji: It’s such a beautiful evening.
Minato, whispering: Take that you fucking lake.

Minato: If I’m being extra sarcastic with you it probably means I’m flirting with you or you really annoy
me and I can’t handle your crap… have fun figuring out which one.

Minato: Remember when you didn’t try to solve all your problems with attempted murder?
Ryoji: Stop romanticizing the past.

Chidori: You can’t wake up if you never got to sleep.

Minato and Ryoji are doing something absurdly dangerous

Ryoji: I think Houdini did something like this once! Why, if I recall correctly, he was out of the hospital in
no time!
Minato, deadpan: Well that's encouraging.

Mitsuru: I’m a nice person, but I’m about to start throwing rocks at people.

Minato: Today is a day of running through hurdles.

Ryoji: Aren’t you supposed to jump OVER hurdles?
Minato: Whatever. Fear is only something to be afraid of if you let it scare you.

Yukari: The risk I took was calculated, but man am I bad at math.

Ryoji: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Minato: Ryoji, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a
dumbass.

Minato: To everyone who has treated me poorly; I am sexier than you.

Minato: This is a mistake

Ryoji, enthusiastically: A mistake we're going to laugh about one day!
Minato: But not today
Ryoji, still enthusiastic: Oh, no. Today's going to be a mess.

Hamuko: Happy October 32nd! Second Halloween!

Ken: That doesn't exist.
Hamuko: Not with that attitude.

Ryoji: Alright, listen up you little shits.

Ryoji: Not you Minato. You’re an angel and we’re thrilled you’re here.
Shinjiro, looking at their watch: It has been 2 hours and sixteen minutes since I’ve been insulted.
Shinjiro: It’s been about 5 seconds since I’ve been assaulted, but let’s not talk about that.

Minato: Yeah, I don’t like people.

Akihiko: Oh, well now that’s not fair Minato. Have you met all of them?
Minato: I’ve met enough of them. People. What a bunch of bastards!

Ken: I never tell people off the bat that I'm gay. I wait. I wait until they say some homophobic shit and
then I laugh and am like "you know I'm gay right?" and watch the look of terror on their face.
Hamuko:
Hamuko: I like you.

Ken: Know why I called you in here?

Touya: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic.
Ken: Stops pouring two glasses of wine. Accidentally?

Touya: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment...at all?
Ken: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.

Shinjiro: So, what is Ken to you?

Touya: The reason I wake up every morning.
Shinjiro: ...That’s adorable.
Ken earlier that morning, barging into Touya′s room, smacking pans together: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE
UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!

Sho: H-how do you ask someone out?

Ryoji: Well, first-
Minato: Don't ask him, he asked me out in a McDonalds parking lot.
Sho: ...And you said yes?

Touya: texting Hey can you pick me up I’m drunk.

Touya: Oh you don't have to anymore. I'm home now.
Ken: Yes, I'm aware of that after bringing you home.

Ken: Ugh, there’s always that weak bitch in the group who isn’t down with murder.
Ken: *glares at Touya*
Touya: Well, sorry I have morals!

Minato: My goal is not to be the best, but to inspire someone enough to one day surpass me.
Ryoji: YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT EVERY TIME YOU BEAT ME AT CONNECT FOUR!

Minato: I learned some very valuable lessons from this.

Ryoji: I’m guessing they are all horrible distortions on the lessons you actually should’ve taken away.
Minato: Death isn’t real, and I’m basically God.

Fuuka: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!
Fuuka: *aggressively throws water bottles*
Akihiko: Uh... what's up with them?
Yukari: They're trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.
Fuuka: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!
Chidori, crying: It's working.

Minato: Did it hurt when you fell-

Ryoji: From heaven? Wow, I didn’t think you were such a flirt-
Minato: No, I meant when you fell down the stairs.
Ryoji: ...
Minato: You just laid there for 15 minutes.

Fuuka: Are you having another depressive episode?

Minato: Depressive episode?
Minato: I’m having a depressive series and we’re only on season one.

Minato: You kill people for money?!

Ryoji: I can explain!
Minato: And all this time I’ve being doing it for free like a chump!

At a zoo
Sho: What are they in for?
Chidori: Sho-chan, this isn’t prison.
Sho: So they can leave?
Chidori: No, but-
Sho, pointing at a meerkat: I bet that one committed murder.

Chidori: Look, I’m glad everyone’s on the same page.

Chidori: But it’s the last page in a book titled “we’re all going to die”
Sho: That’s not even clever.

Kanji: Seriously, I have no idea what to do.

Kanji: Oh, wait! Yahoo Answers.

Naoto: When I see initials carved into a tree with a heart, I think it’s so romantic. Two lovers on a date…
one of them carrying a knife for some reason.

Minato: Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and even I don’t know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along
the way.

Rise: I’ve never encountered a problem that can’t be solved by a spontaneous musical number.

Chie: If I can’t cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.

Junpei on Monday: glues a dime to the sidewalk Heh heh heh.

Junpei on Wednesday: walking down the street Ooh hey! A dime!

Minato: I hate how you’re just born out of nowhere, and you’re forced to go to school and get education
so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck? No one ever asked me if I want to be a duck!
Minato: Am I a boy? Am I a girl? It doesn’t matter. I’m going to burn your house down.

Sho: Clownery. Tomfoolery. Absolute fuckery, I am going to revoke your life privileges.

Yukiko: Drink your school, stay in drugs, and get 8 hours of drugs.

Yukiko: What the fuck.

Yukiko: ESPN is showing the 2003 national jump rope competition.
Yukiko: Who the hell watches a jump rope competiti- ooh bouncy.

Junpei: Can I offer you a nice stick in this trying time?

Shinjiro: I have met some of the most insufferable people. But they also met me.

Akihiko: I’m a firm believer in “if you’re gonna fail, you might as well fail spectacularly”

Ryoji: Why do I always try to tell people we’re cool? We are so very uncool.

Akihiko: Welcome to my vlog, in which I try different hair products!

Akihiko: sprays hairspray in his mouth
Akihiko: Well, right off the bat, I call tell you this one is not very good.

Yosuke: I think my guardian angel drinks.

Minato: I scare people a lot because I walk very softly and they don’t hear me enter rooms. So when
they turn around, I’m just kind of there and their fear fuels me.

Teddie: To everyone that treated me poorly, I am sexier than you.

Yukari, seeing a banana on the car seat: What the FUCK??

Yukari, buckling the banana up: Fucking buckle UP, it’s the LAW!

Hamuko: cocks gun Go to bed. This is no longer a request. This is now a threat.

Yosuke: Could you just like… stab me… right in the gut. Just REALLY twist it in there. Cause that in all
honesty seems less painful than this conversation.

Ken: All of a sudden I got a random burst of energy and I think it’s my body’s last hurrah before it
completely shuts down.

Minato: I don’t follow the rules. I follow dogs on social media.

Minato: Sometimes I wonder if I’m hearing voices.

Minato: Then I remember that’s the last bit of the sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a
reasonable time.

Touya, holding up his class notes: And then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle, I
thought it was pronounced like “Chipotle.”
Touya, in shock: Wait a minute… is it “Chip-o-tottle”?

Minato, looking at their watch: It has been 2 hours and 16 minutes since I’ve been insulted.
Minato: It’s been 5 seconds since I’ve been assaulted, but let’s not talk about that.

Minato: I’ve not a morning person. I’ve barely even a person.

Minato: The “how the fucks” and “why are you so dumbs” don’t matter. All that matters is that I have a
new gun.

Rise, tearing up her room: Where are they?

Rise, looking under the pillow: Who moved them? Who moved my children?
Rise: Someone moved my M&Ms and now I am going to start killing.

Fuuka: If I see a bug, I simply leave the room elegantly and require someone else to do something about
it.
Fuuka: If no one fulfills my wish, I simply never go back in there.

Akihiko: Life keeps fucking me and I can’t remember the safeword.

Shinjiro: I don’t dab. I stab.

Yosuke, after having a nosebleed: Welp. Time to wash the blood off my hands.

Minato: Dracula had it right. Sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into bats to get out of all
social situations.

Chidori: My heart is guarded, but like… poorly. The kind of guards that would let 3 kids in a trench coat
into an R rated movie.

Fuuka: Like no offense to myself and all, but what the fuck am I doing?

Ken: Forgive me father, for I have sinny-sin-sinned.

Akihiko: I see the red flags, I acknowledge that they are there, and then I completely ignore them.

Hamuko: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions.

Yukari: I mean, sure I have my bad days, but then I remember what a cute smile I have.

Ryoji: If we were in prison, you guys would be like my bitches.

Hamuko: I think we can all agree, I’m a ten amongst these threes.

Yukari: I’m the sexiest bitch in this therapy waiting room.

Fuuka: The last time I went to an urgent care clinic, I checked off “excessive crying” on the symptom list,
and then the nurse got really confused and said that was meant for babies.
Akihiko: So, according to my university, it is, quote, “my responsibility if there is an internet outage to
contact the faculty and the department”
Akihiko: Now, if you’re a critical thinker like me, you might be wondering one thing.
Akihiko: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO EMAIL THE DEPARTMENT?!

Ken: I came out here to attack people and I’m honestly having such a good time right now.

Ken: And I’d love to be sorry for that, but we all know I’ve done much, much worse.

Mitsuru: I’ve made a spread sheet of all the crime in Brooklyn.

Mitsuru: There’s so much crime in New York, no one should live there.

Minato: When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take those lemons back! Get mad!
I don’t want your damn lemons! What the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s
manager! Make life rue the day that it thought it could give Minato lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m
the person who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get some engineers to
invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

Ken: Get in loser, we’re committing vehicular manslaughter!

Ryoji: Gets set on fire and screams in agony.

Ryoji: Nah, I’m just kidding. Fire does nothing to me.

Souji: A fistfight CAN be romantic.

Yukiko: Next time I’m at the pet store, I’m gonna take a hamster and drop it into the scorpion cage. I
wanna see what a hamster’s face looks like when it goes “oh, fuck.”

Ken: I’m so tired of this life. I want to be a Roomba. I want knives taped to me. And I want to be set
loose.

Minato: I only have two emotions: exhaustion and stress. And I’m somehow always feeling both
simultaneously.

Ken: The next time I open up to someone, it’ll be my autopsy.

Hamuko: Then either Sonic is a god or could kill god, and I do not care if there is a difference.

Shinjiro: You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking
alcohol.

Ken: Pros and cons of dating me.

Ken: Pros. You’ll be the cute one.
Ken: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin-

Minato: Yeah I’m LGBT

Minato: cuLt leader.
Minato: God hates me personally.
Minato: cowBoy hat.
Minato: sniffle Trying my best.

Ken: As the top in this relationship, I think we should-

Touya: I can’t believe you’re pulling rank on me.

Yukiko: Chie, I beg of you. Please, PLEASE go to the doctor.

Chie: Hey, I’m sorry. Is this OUR stab wound?

Souji: Damn the power went out.

Yosuke: Don’t worry. I’ve got this.
Yosuke: Shakes rapidly and starts to light up.
Souji: What-?
Yosuke: I swallowed a glow stick!
Souji, on the verge of tears: WHY WOULD YOU-

Aigis: I’ve met a lot of pricks in my time, but you, Shinjiro, are a fucking cactus.

Chidori: What are you writing?

Sho: The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the house. I’m letting them know
it’s private information.
Hamuko, looking over Sho’s shoulder: This just says “fuck around and find out” in calligraphy.

Aigis: Minato, get that hideous thing out of the living room, would you?
Minato: Ryoji, Aigis wants you to get out of the house.

Minato: Ryoji is playing hard to get.

Minato: Little does he know, I’m a master at playing hard to get rid of.

Minato, talking to Hamuko: Well Hamuko, whenever I’m about to do something, I think “would Ryoji do
that?” and if he would, then I do not do that thing.
Hamuko: …
Ryoji, from the distance: They’re not wrong though!

Ryoji: Pardon the intrusion, but-

Minato: On this moment or just my life in general?

Shinjiro: No more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, alright? Are we cowabunga
on this?
Ken, sighing: Fine. We’re cowabunga.

Hamuko: ARE YOU-

Minato: Fucking.
Hamuko: KIDDING ME?! YOU-
Minato: Fucking.
Hamuko: IDIOT!
Aigis: What was that?
Minato: Mitsuru banned her from swearing, so I’m helping them out.

Minato: My expectations were low, but holy fuck.

Ken: At first I thought you were foolish and incompetent.

Shinjiro: My apologies for whatever misstep I may have taken to dispel that impression. It was an honest
mistake, I swear.

Touya: I love you.

Ken: Me too.

Ken: Akihiko-san-
Akihiko: sighs Shinji used to call me Akihiko…
Ken: … Because it’s your fucking name.

Touya: What are you eating?

Ken: You wouldn’t like it, it’s really salty.
Touya: I like you, don’t I?

Ken: Why do you think I don’t like you? I do. I would kill for you.
Ken: Ask me to kill for you.
Touya: … First of all, calm down.

Minato: Ryoji what are you doing?

Ryoji: Shaking a cat shaped piggy bank I’m just trying to figure out how much change I have inside.
Minato: You could always take it out and count it.
Ryoji: Where’s the fun in that?

Chidori: I’m not so sure you’re stakeout material.

Shinjiro: I’m a chronic insomniac, I was born for this.

Minato: Christmas is cancelled.

Hamuko: You can’t cancel a holiday.
Minato: Keep it up Hamuko, and you’ll lose New Year’s too.
Hamuko: What does that mean?
Minato: Mitsuru, take New Year’s away from Hamuko.

Akihiko: Someone’s trying to break in. Call the cops!

Ken: Loads shotgun I got this.
Akihiko: Last week you fell up the stairs, what do you mean-

Yukari: You are irrationally angry 365 days a year.

Ken: Well, that’s just your personal opinion, I don’t have anger issues. Do you guys think I have anger
issues?
Akihiko: Well, I wouldn’t really call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix.

Touya: Are you mad?

Ken: No.
Touya: So sharpening knives at 3 in the morning is just a hobby?

Minato: Come on, Aigis! How many times do I have to apologize?

Aigis: Once!
Minato: … No.

Minato: Hey Ryoji, I’ve got an idea for how to solve this.
Ryoji, pulling out a shotgun: Yeah?
Minato: Wh- No! That’s not the idea, Ryoji!

Minato: I want someone to take me out.

Ryoji: On a date?
Aigis: With a sniper gun.
Minato: Both if you’re not a coward.

Hamuko: Hey Minato, are you free on Friday? Like around eight?
Minato: Yeah…
Hamuko: And you Ryoji?
Ryoji: Umm… yes.
Hamuko: Great! Because I’m not. You two go without me. Enjoy your date!
Ryoji: Did they just-

Ken: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Shinjiro: Okay, what about those ones flying over there?
Ken: Yeah, they’re all birds.

Souji: But when all hope seemed lost, I had an epiphany!

Souji, earlier: I’m going to throw myself into the sea.

Hamuko: Ooh somebody has a crush.

Minato: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on Ryoji. I just think they’re cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking
about him.
Later that night.
Minato, very much awake: Uh oh.

Shinjiro: Aki! For the love of the god, please turn down that music. I have a hangover.
Akihiko: Blasting the Mii theme at full volume That sounds like a you problem, not a mii problem.

Ken: Did you just call me a shrimp, you asshole?! I’m still growing, dammit!

Minato: What the fuck is wrong with you??

Ryoji: What? No good morning?
Minato: Good morning, what the fuck is wrong with you??

Mitsuru: So Fuuka is no longer allowed to take the trash out at night.

Hamuko: Why?
Mitsuru: Because I caught her trying to train raccoons to fight five times in row.
Fuuka, arms crossed and pouting: You’ll be thanking me when the third raccoon battalion saves your ass.
Ken: We have a problem.
Touya: No, YOU have a problem. I have an idiot who keeps making them.

Akihiko: Remember what I told you.

Ken: Don’t be a cunt.

Naoto: We need a plan to beat them.

Ken: Okay, listen up. First we fill their shoes with wet cat food.
Naoto:
Ken: Judge me all you want, I get results.

Minato: What’s this?

Ryoji, hugging them: Affection!
Minato: Disgusting.
Minato: … Do it again.

Ken: When you said, “magic in bed”, I wasn’t expecting this…

Touya: Pulls a card out from the deck Now, was this your card?
Ken: Holy moly-

Souji: You know what’s funny about Yosuke? He’s my best friend, and anyone who’d hurt him is
someone I’d murder, probably.

Touya: You remind me of the ocean.

Ken: Because I’m deep and mysterious?
Touya: No, because you’re full of salt and scare people.

Ken: I drink to forget, but I always remember.

Akihiko: You’re drinking orange juice.

Ken: And then they ran into my knife. They ran into my knife ten times.
Touya: You mean you stabbed them?
Ken: They ran into my knife.

Minato: I’m very small and have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I’m under.

Ken: God has let me live another day and I’m going to make it everyone’s problem.

Minato: I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad,
glamorous sibling and went around really annoying everybody. And d’you know, I could get away with
anything when I was my crazy twin Minato.
Hamuko: But you’re Minato. And I’m your twin.
Minato: Kind of stuck. Long story.

Akihiko: Is wearing silk pants How does this look?

Shinjiro: Like it slips on and off really easily.
Akihiko:
Shinjiro: No, I didn’t mean it like that-
Ken: We know what you meant.

Minato: I’m this close to falling in love with Ryoji.

Hamuko: Your fingers are touching.
Minato: Exactly.

Shinjiro: I’m going to hell.

Akihiko: Probably.
Shinjiro: I’ll pick you up?
Akihiko: Nodding Carpool.

Shinjiro: I’m not mean. Name one mean thing I’ve done.
Akihiko: When we were younger, you convinced me eggs weren’t real.
Shinjiro: They’re not.
Akihiko: Haha. Very funny.
Shinjiro: I’m serious. Didn’t you hear?
Akihiko: No… what happened?
Shinjiro: … Why would you fall for this again-

Ken: What is this?!

Touya: That’s the weight of guilt. Give in to the nice side. Help those unfortunate, and make the guilt go
away my friend.
Ken: Ow! Make it stop!
Touya: Surrender to your kindness Ken. It’s nice to be nice.
Ken: Your guilt is strong my friend. But it is not match for the power of my selfishness.

Touya: You’re violent.

Ken: Yeah but I’m also short and that’s adorable.

Minato: You know the sound a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That’s the sound my brain makes all
the time.

Minato: I would never say my boyfriend is a bitch and I don’t like him. That’s not true… my boyfriend is a
bitch and I like him so much!

Shinjiro: Sees someone doing something stupid.

Shinjiro: What an idiot.
Shinjiro: Realizes that it’s Akihiko.
Shinjiro: Wait, that’s MY idiot!

Ken: Slams books down in front of Touya.

Ken: Boil up some Mountain Dew. It’s gonna be a long night.
Touya: You could have said literally anything else.
Ken: Cauldron boil and bubble, Baja Blast to fuel my trouble.
Touya: I’m going to just stop challenging you when you say random shit. I won’t win. I realize this now.

Rise: Oh my god, he texted you ‘hi.’ Punctuation only means one thing Yosuke. He’s mad at you.
Yosuke: No, it’s Souji. He’s just being grammatically correct.
Meanwhile
Souji: And then I used a period so he’d know that I’m mad at him.
Chie: A period doesn’t say ‘I’m mad’, it says ‘you’re dead to me.’
Souji: I stand by my choice.

Chie: Real life should have fucking search function, or something.

Chie: I need my socks.

Chidori: Am I going too far?

Shinjiro: No, no, no. You went too far about 7 hours ago. Now you’re going to prison.

Chidori: Where are my fucking keys?

Mitsuru: Chidori, Fuuka is around, can you say it a little nicer?
Chidori: May I ascertain the whereabouts of my FUCKING keys?!

Yosuke: What’s the straightest thing you’ve ever done?

Chie: sigh
Chie: I killed a man.

Rise: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was changing his name to Yosuke.

Ken: I feel like Minato-san is looking down on me.

Akihiko: That’s because they’re on the counter and you’re short.

Souji: Yosuke, I can’t do this stupid math!

Yosuke: What’s the math problem?
Souji: Well, we have to add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope we don’t multiply.
Rise, covering Teddie’s ears, while Yosuke smacks Souji upside the head: Not going to lie, that was hella
smooth.

Mitsuru, to Yukari: You’re starting to forget your Spanish. You don’t practice.
Yukari: Lo siento. Estoy embarazada.
Mitsuru: You just told me you’re pregnant.
Hamuko: Congratulations Yukari, you’re glowing!

Ken: When I said bring me back something from the beach, I meant like a conch shell.
Akihiko: Struggling to hold a seagull Fucking say that next time!

Hamuko: Do you want to play 20 questions?

Ryoji: Sure!
Ryoji: What’s your favourite colour?
Hamuko, laser fucking focused: Triangle. Do you like men? Asking for a friend.

Hamuko: Guys I have a question.

Minato: Kys <3
Hamuko: I love you too.
Fuuka: Ah yes, siblings.
Yosuke: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives down the hall?
Souji: His cat’s names are Walter and Rose.
Yosuke: That’s not what I asked.
Souji: That is all the information I have.

Ken: We just ate. Why are you making pancakes?

Touya: For Koromaru.
Ken: Why are you making pancakes for Koromaru?
Touya: He doesn’t know how.

Naoto: I’m in love with you.

Kanji: We called off the prank war last night at midnight Naoto.
Naoto: I know.
Kanji: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

Chie: Y'know, I once knew a man who said to me: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” He
also had a pair of sideburns that would cause even Jude Law’s face to weep in forfeit. You put those
lemons in a sack and beat your enemies with ‘em! And maybe if you beat ‘em hard enough the bag will
split open and lemon juice will spray into their eyes, causing intense burning pains as you crush them
into a citrus-y pulp!
Yosuke: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Their heads or the lemons?
Chie: Whatever caves first!

Ryoji: What are your three best qualities?

Minato: I’m hot, I have soft hair, and sometimes I cry because I love my friends.

Aigis: Hey Chidori, do you want to help us?

Chidori: Oh, I would… but I don’t want to.

Shinjiro: You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of a river.
Minato: Wrong. I look like a cool rockstar who just OD’d in their own pool. Big difference.

Ken: What? I’m not aggressive!

Akihiko: Last Tuesday, you wacked me with a pair of crocs and stole my chocolate chips.
Ken: Survival of the fittest, bitch.

Mitsuru: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn’t do it.
Akihiko: I know, that’s why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out.
Mitsuru: Th-that’s not how that works-

Hamuko: The greatest trick the devil ever played was getting me banned from an all you can eat pizza
buffet.
Ryoji: Why’d you get banned?
Hamuko: Touched the rat.
Ryoji: … What rat?
Hamuko: Chunky Cheese…
Aigis: Can you recommend a book that will make me cry?
Fuuka: General Mathematics 8th Grade Edition

Aigis: “Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than it does knowledge” – Charles Darwin.
Ken: What the fuck? Begets isn’t a word. Quit trying to make up words, fuckface.

Hamuko: Caffeine no longer keeps me awake while I work, so instead I have Ken periodically send me
texts saying, ‘we need to talk.’
Hamuko: It gives me the right amount of fear and adrenaline I need to keep going.

Yukari: When I was young, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rockstar. I’m not proud of it.
Fuuka: You’re kind of proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations.

Chie: Just so everybody knows, don’t ever try to climb a tree at night carrying a strobe light, owls DON’T
like it.
Yukiko: … What happened?
Chie: I have a VERY bad mistake.

Shinjiro: Well, if you’re not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you?

Minato, sniffling: Calm down, I’m probably not sick. It might just be allergies.
Ryoji: Okay, tell me this: are you like, really tired?
Minato: I have depression, what do you think?

Chie: Don’t have a bookmark? Try ketchup instead!

Kanji: What makes you think I read?

Minato: Bro, I had a dream we fucked.

Ryoji: Bro, relax it was just a dream.
Minato: Huh, gay, I wouldn’t fuck you.
Ryoji: You wouldn’t?
Minato: I mean, unless you want to-

Shinjiro: Don’t stay up all night Chidori. Last time you got this sleep deprived, you tried to eat your own
dress.

Yukiko: We all have our demons.

Yukiko, grabbing Chie: This one’s mine.

Souji: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled.

Minato: Uptown Funk would have made it into the Shrek soundtrack.
Mitsuru: That is the truest statement I’ve ever heard.

Minato: I’m not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel
decided in my favour.
Hamuko: Gets a text Oh, it’s Ken!
Mitsuru, excitedly: Did he get me the stuff?
Hamuko: Yeah, he said he got you the clown costume, the power drill, and 12 gallons of blood.
Mitsuru: Wow! Where’d he find 12 gallons of fake blood?
Hamuko: You wanted fake blood?
Mitsuru: …
Hamuko: I’ll go tell Ken.

Yukiko: Ow!
Naoto: What’s wrong?
Yukiko: I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.
Naoto: It’s called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.

Hamuko: Hey I just got a pet snake. What should I name him?
Akihiko: A pet WHAT?!
Minato: William Snakespeare.

Minato: I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood.

Minato: I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040, and the
0 key doesn’t work that well, so I punched it in wrong. And the machine flashed up “Item Not Found:
404.”
Minato: And, I actually laughed out loud.

Naoto: Everyone knows Santa is an invention created by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video
games to an unsuspecting public.
Chie: The whole “childhood wonder” stage just blew right past you, didn’t it?

Shinjiro: Wow Aki, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.
Akihiko: We literally slept together yesterday.
Shinjiro: That’s NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.

Akihiko: I left instructions for everyone while I’m gone.

Shinjiro: Mine just says “Shinji no.”
Akihiko: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

Mitsuru: Does anyone else feel good when their brain releases a bunch of endorphins?
Minato: Can’t relate.
Shinjiro: Why would my brain release a bunch of dolphins?

Akihiko: Hey guys, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing?
Fuuka, Minato, and Hamuko: No!
Ryoji: Alright, that’s it, you guys. What happened out there?
Fuuka: What? We took a walk. Nothing happened. I came back with nothing all over me.
Ryoji: What does that mean?
Akihiko: Come on, what happened? Minato?
Minato: Alright.
Fuuka: No. Minato, we swore we’d never tell!
Hamuko: They’ll never understand.
Minato: But we have to say something. We have to get it out. It’s eating me alive.
Minato: Fuuka got stung by a jellyfish!
Fuuka: Alright! I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn’t stand. I- I couldn’t walk.
Hamuko: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn’t think we could
make it.
Fuuka: I was in too much pain.
Minato: And I was tired from digging a huge hole.
Hamuko: And then Minato remembered something.
Minato: I’d seen this thing in the Discovery Channel.
Akihiko: Wait a minute, I saw that. On the Discovery Channel. Yeah, about jellyfish and how if you— EW!
You peed on yourself?
Ryoji: EW!!
Fuuka: You can’t say that! You don’t know! I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain. Anyway, I
tried, but I couldn’t... bend that way. So... *looks at Minato*
Ryoji and Akihiko: Ew!
Minato: That’s right. I stepped up. They’re my friend and they needed help. If I had to, I’d pee on any
one of you.
Minato: Only, uh, I couldn’t. I got stage fright. I wanted to help but there was too much pressure. So, I,
um, I turned to Hamuko.
Hamuko: Minato kept screaming at me, “Do it now. Do it. Do it now.” Sometimes, late at night I can still
hear the screaming.
Minato: That’s because sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out.

Ken: Dad made enough pasta that he could take it to lunch tomorrow. Put it in a container.
Minato: Shovel the pasta into your face. Do it. Put it in your face. The future is meaningless but the
pasta is now.

Fuuka: Hamuko! Have you no dignity?

Hamuko: Of course not! How long have we known each other?

Akihiko: Sometimes I get so caught up on being gay that I forget I’m actually bi.

Minato: I love them both, but how do I propose to two people?

Hamuko: Two different restaurants, one person at each restaurant. Twice the desert, twice the
applause.
Minato: Wouldn’t people think it’s weird if there’s a third person sitting there, though?
Hamuko: I saw someone feed their pet peacock crème brulee from their mouth at the French place on
the corner last week. I think faux third-wheeling at an engagement is the least of your worries.

Shinjiro: I’ve been dropping him the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
Akihiko: Wow, he sounds stupid.
Shinjiro: But he’s not. He’s really smart actually. Just dense.
Akihiko: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”
Shinjiro: I guess you’re right. Aki, I love you.
Akihiko: See! Just say that!
Shinjiro: Holy fucking shit.
Akihiko: If that flies over his head then, sorry Shinji, but he’s too dumb for you.
Shinjiro: Aki.
Minato: My gender is in a constant state of flux.
Naoto: Senpai taught me to think before I act.
Naoto: … So if I smack the shit out of you, rest assured that I thought about it and am confident in my
decision.

Yukari: If you had to guess, how many brain cells do you have?
Junpei: Dorito’s cool ranch.
Yukari:
Yukari: I’m just gonna assume zero for now.
Junpei: I love that song.

Minato, having recently lost his glasses: KILL THE BUG!!!

Yukari: … That’s a gecko-

Akihiko: Go big or go home!

Hamuko: Please, for once in your life just go home. I’m begging you. Go. Home.
Akihiko: I’m going big!

Junpei: Everything’s fine Yukari.

Yukari: Junpei, I know your relationship with the English language is strictly casual, but you- I- deep
inhale ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU WHAT’S NOT FINE.