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Nine Lessons for Breakups
You risked your heart. You shared your life. You bought the gifts, made the
memories, and dreamed your dreams together — and it fell apart. Now, you’re back
at square one in the quest for marriage, and it feels lonelier than square one, and
further from the altar, because of all you’ve spent and lost.
No one begins dating someone hoping to break it off someday. The wiring in most of
us has us longing for the wedding day. We’re looking, sometimes it feels frantically,
for love, for affection and security and companionship and commitment and intimacy
and help. After all, God seems to want most of us to be married (Genesis
2:18; Proverbs 18:22; 1 Corinthians 7:2, 9). But that sure hasn’t made getting married
easy.
And if it doesn’t hurt, it probably should. If you can come in and out of romance
without pain or remorse, something sounds out of sync. This doesn’t mean you have
to be ruined by every breakup, but there should be a sense that this isn’t right — it’s
not how it’s supposed to be. Hearts weren’t built to be borrowed. God needs to show
some of us the gravity of failed relationships because of what they wrongly suggest
about him and his love for the church.
It’s a lie to think that you’re not moving toward marriage if you’re not dating
someone right now. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your future spouse is to
not date. If your history looks serial, you might need to break up with dating for a
while. It can be a time to regroup, grow, and discover a new rhythm for your future
relationship.
3. You may have failed, but God didn’t.
The relationship may be over because of a specific character flaw or failure. There are
things about us — weaknesses or patterns of behavior — that may disqualify us for
marriage with a particular person. But it does not nullify God’s grace to and through
you.
Sin in relationships is some of the most visible and painful. As we let each other
further and further into our lives and hearts, the sin is more likely to show itself and to
cut the other person more deeply. In the right measure, it is the good and proper risk
of all Christian fellowship. As people come closer, and we need this in true Christian
community, our sin inevitably becomes more dangerous. Our mess is more likely to
splash onto others, and theirs on us.
But whoever has done the failing in your breakup, it wasn’t God. Because of Jesus,
his promises never to leave or forsake you are true every moment and in every
relationship status. If you are trusting in Christ for the forgiveness of your sin and
striving to follow him and his word, God has never abandoned you, and he will never
abandon you. God didn’t take a break from loving you in your breakup — even if
you’re the reason it’s over. His purposes are bigger than your blunders.
First, it’s wise not to be alone in your opinion about the need to break up. Yes, your
boyfriend or girlfriend may not agree, but you need to share and confirm your
perspective with someone who loves Jesus and both of you. Go to someone you know
can assess your heart in wanting to get out. If it can be a married man or woman, all
the better. Talk to someone who knows what it takes to persevere in marriage, and see
what they think about your “deal-breaker(s)” in the relationship.
Our imagination, especially in an emotional crisis, can be a lethal weapon that Satan
leverages against us for evil. When we leave everything vague and spiritual, our ex
will not, and the majority of what their mind creates will be lies from the devil to
destroy them. Give them enough information about how God led you to this decision
without crushing them or tearing them down.
I say “enough” because there are lots of true-but-unhelpful things you could say.
Again, run your talking points past a Christian brother or sister before taking them to
your soon-to-be ex. In the end, they don’t have to agree with you, but it’s loving to
help them toward the clarity and closure you’re feeling. It just may free them to grow
and move forward sooner and with fewer questions.
God feeds the unemployed birds of the air (Matthew 6:26). God grows the flowers of
the field and makes them beautiful, even though they’ll be cut, stomped, eaten, or
frozen in a matter of days or weeks (Matthew 6:28–30). How much more will this
Father care and provide for his blood-bought children?
When you ask for a husband, he won’t give you a snake. When you ask for a wife, he
won’t give you a scorpion. Even when it looks like he’s done you harm, he hasn’t. He
loves you. He knows what’s best for you. And all things are at his disposal. All things.
One way God provides for us through breakups is by making it clear — by whatever
means and for whatever reason — this relationship was not his plan for our marriage.
The heart of Christian dating is looking for clarity more than intimacy. This probably
won’t taste sweet in the moment, but if you treasure clarity, breakups won’t be all bad
news. We all know some of the news we need most is hardest for a time, but fruitful
down the road.
Trust him to provide for you each day (or year) whether you get married or not. If you
do get married, know that he will bring the imperfect man or woman you need.
You won’t have many relational crossroads more intense, personal, and specific as a
breakup, so it truly is a unique time for some hopeful, healthy introspection, checked
and balanced by some other believers.
This Jesus came and was broken to give hope to the broken. “A bruised reed he will
not break, and a smoldering wick he will not quench, until he brings justice to victory;
and in his name the Gentiles will have hope” (Matthew 12:20–21).
Jesus went before the brokenhearted to pave the way for joy in pain. We live, survive,
and thrive by looking to him, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the
cross” (Hebrews 12:2). His joy before the wrath of God against sin is our first and
greatest reason to fight for joy — not just survival — after a breakup.
If you believe that, then make the most of this breakup, knowing God has chosen this
particular path to grow and gratify you in ways that last. No relationship you have in
this life will last forever, but the good things that happen through them in you — even
through their sorrows, yes even through their collapses — will.