Professional Documents
Culture Documents
The Complete Guide To Sexual Fulfilment
The Complete Guide To Sexual Fulfilment
HE COMPLETE GUIDE TO
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SEXUAL
FULFILMENT
P RAe TIC A L HAN 0 BOO K
SEXUAL
FULFILMENT
NITYA LACROIX
H-I
H E R MES
H 0 USE
This edition is published by Hermes House
A elP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
1 J 57 9 10864 2
Contents
SAFER SEX 6
SENSUAL PLAY 16
ORAL-GENITAL SEX 26
COMPATIBILITY 32
ORGASM 56
ADVENTuROUS LOVEMAKING 64
GETTING TURNED ON 94
CONTRACEPTION 116
INDEX 126
Safer Sex
Nowadays, the phrase "safer sex" is generally used wherever sexuality is written or spoken about.
Safer sex practices help lovers to care for their own and each other's health while enjoying an
exciting and joyful sex life. The term "safer sex" generally refers to all sexual activity which avoids
the exchange of body fluids, such as semen, vaginal juices and blood, between partners. It is a way
of modifying sexual practices to help prevent the risk of infection from the HIV virus and other
sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). (See the section on Sexually Transmitted Diseases for
information on HIVIAIDS and other STDs.) Safer sex practices apply to all members of the
community, both homosexual and heterosexual.
Getting Attuned
~ Kissing, cuddling and hugging are
safer sex practices through which
new partners can discover if they are
physically and sexually attuned.
6
Safer Sex
How To Discuss
Safer Sex
Anyone who is contemplating a
sexual relationship, or who is already
involved in one, should consider safer
sex. However, since sexual issues are
invariably difficult to discuss, you
may find it embarrassing to raise the
subject of safer sex practices or to
reach an agreement about it with a
new partner. Find Time to Talk
The best way forward is to .... Try to discuss safer sex issues at the point when you realize the relationship is
develop a clear and responsible atti- going to become sexual, rather than leaving it to the last moment when passion
tude rowards your own health and and feelings are running high. Also, giving yourselves time to know each other
sexual practices, rather than relying better allows you to build up trust, discuss your past sexual histories honestly
on anyone else's responses. This clar- with each other, and to decide if you are ready to make this commitment.
ity wil\ enable you to stand firm on
your decisions, and may also help who have been linked in a sexual generally more conditioned than men
your partner ro resolve his or her chain of partners. to please others, and often feel shy to
own conflicts. For instance, a previous lover may take the initiative on safer sex issues,
Adopt a clear but sensitive have had a relationship with some- particularly if there is resistance.
approach. You can affirm your one who, at another time, had sex, As a woman, you may be worried
attraction to your partner and add unknowingly, with a person from an that you will be deemed too sexually
something like, " I wou ld love to H IV high-risk group. Making love forward if you produce a packet of
make love with you, but first 1 need only once with someone who carries condoms at the opportune moment.
to tell you that I always follow safer the HIV virus can present sufficient Remind yourself that you have as
sex practices," and then ol)tiine what risk of becom ing infected yourself. much right to self determination over
this means to you . Explain that, to People can be HIV infected without your sexual health as you would,
you, safer sex is a way of showing a knowing it and remain in good nowadays, expect to have over your
caring attitude. hea lth for a very long period of time, choices of contraception. If you are a
If you meet a negative response, be showing no outward sign of the sexually active woman, there is
patient but firm. Your partner may infection. Also, there are other sexu- absolutely nothing wrong with your
be lieve, mistaken ly, that safer sex ally transmitted diseases which need having a supply of condoms, or other
practices are relevant only to people to be considered. barrier methods which protect you
who belong to high-risk groups. He Some women, in particular, find it against sexually transmitted diseases,
or she may insist that they have had difficult to assert . themselves over or with your decision to use them
only a few sexual partners and, there- sexual issues. Old attitudes persist during lovemaking.
fore, present no risk. The truth is, it despite the dramatic changes in At the end of the day, however,
is often impossib le to know the sexual mores and gender roles over both men and women have to make
sexual history of all the other people the last few decades. Women are still the decision for themselves on
7
Basic Techniques
Risky Behaviour
While considering safer sex issue's, it
is important not to become over
anxious or alarmist. The HIV virus
has a low infectivity rate, cannOt
survive long outside the human body,
and is spread on ly when it enters the
bloodstream through the exchange of
whether or not to use safer sex prac- of each other's sexual and drug- body fluids. You cannOt catch it from
tices. This decision shou ld be based, related past. For the various reasons sharing utensils such as cups, knives
partly, on your own sense of self- mentioned before, it is virtually and forks with an infected person, or
worth and value for your health. impossible to know the whole truth from normal physical contact such
The bottom Iine is: if you want to because you can rarely vouch for the as hugging or holding hands.
use safer sex methods and your sexual history of all previous partners Transmission of the virus from
potential lover refuses, for whatever who have been linked by sexual sexual activity is on ly possible if
reason, you will need to de lay any activity. As a couple, you should either you or your partner are
sexual activity involvi n g the examine and discuss all the implica· already infected.
exchange of body fluids until you tions involved before making a deci- However, it is essentia l for all
have reached a mutual agreement; sion on whether or not to start or sexually active people to become well
or even be prepared to fo~go a full abandon safer sex practices. acquainted with the facts of the
sexual relationship with that person. disease and to put into practice safer
The HIV Test sex methods whenever there is even
Long- Term Relationships The HIV antibody can take up to the slight risk of infection.
If you are already in an established three months to develop and be The fo ll owing activities are consid-
relationship, you may believe that detected in a blood teSt after the virus ered to present the highest risk:
you do not need to consider safer sex has been transmitted. HIV testing is Anal intercourse without cOltdoms:
issues. This is so only if the relation- one possibility for coup les who are The blood vessels in the rectum
ship is truly monogamous and you willing to commit and be monoga- can easi ly rupture with the friction
are both absolutely sure of the safety mous with each other and want a of sexual activity, creating a high
8
Safer Sex
risk of infection if one or other The following sexual activities carry Sharillg sex toys: You should not
partner ca rries the virus. less but some risk: share a sex toy with your part-
Vagina l intercourse without Oral sex: The HIV virus in semen and ner because of the risk of cross-
condoms: Vagina l fluid s and vag in al fluids will normally be infection.
semen can both contain the H IV destroyed by stomach acids if
virus, as can the menstrual blood ingested. However, the risk of Safer Sex Activities
flow. Broken blood vessels, and infection increases if the partner This term refers ro all physical
sma ll abrasions either in the giving fellatio (when the woman contact that does not involve the
vagina or on the penis can allow gives ora l sex to the man) or exchange of body fluids or create
the virus to enter the bloodstream. cunnilingus (when the man gives broken skin or bleeding. This still
Multip le part>lers and casual sex: oral sex to the woman) has any leaves many delightful ways to enjoy
The more sexua l partners someone sma ll curs, so res, or ulcers in the your sex life.
has, the greater exposure to the mouth, or bleeding gums . To mini- The following suggestions should
risk of infection of a ll STDs, mize risk, condoms should be used present no risk so long as there are
including the HIV vir us . In the during fellatio and latex barriers no open sores or cutS to the skin
case of casua l sex affairs, it is can be used during cunnilingus. which cou ld allow cross-infection. To
unlikely that you wi ll know the Intercourse with cOltdollls: The use be extra sa fe, cover any open wounds
full sexual history of that person. of condoms and other barrier on the skin, however small, with
Shariltg needles: Although this is not methods reduces the risk of disease adhesive plaster.
a sexual activity, anyone who has transmission by 98 per cent, so Cuddling, huggi>lg Q>ld caressillg:
been an intravenous drug user and long as all the safer sex precau- These are all perfectly safe and
has ever s hared a contaminated tions are used. The risk lies in not wonderful ways to make physical
syringe or needle with another following the proper procedures contact.
person has a hi gh risk of HIV for barrier method protection, or Kissi>lg: Mouth to mouth or dry kiss-
infection . That person's sexual in the accidental tearing of the ing is fine. Deep or "French" kiss-
partners are also at risk if safer sex rubber causi ng a sp ill age of semen ing and saliva exchange is only
precautions are not used. or vagina l fluids. minimally risky if rhere are open
9
Basic Techniques
curs, bleeding gums or ulcers in In Place Before Penetrat ion unril YO ll are roo fired up with
rhe mourh. T The condom should be in place on passion before debaring whether or
Lickillg, lIibblillg alld suckillg: Go the man's penis before any kind of nor ro use a condo m. Discuss a nd
ahead and enjoy yourse lves, bur penetrative sex takes agree on th is iss ue as soon as you
ensure rhar you do nor bire so place as pre-ejaculation know yo u are go in g ro make love.
hard rhar you break rhe skin. seminal fluid can also Keep rhe condo m packer on you,
Masturbatioll: Self-masrurbarion is
fine. So is mutual masturbarion,
00"";" ~,Hrv / close ro the bed, or under the pillow,
so you know where to find it at the
so long as you rake care rhar body c ru cia l moment. The sugges ti o ns
fluids, such as semen and vaginal lisred be low ca n ensu re that you r
fluids, do nor penerrare rhe skin. condom usage will bring you maxi-
Keep all skin abrasions covered. mum safery and pleasure.
.:.Open rhe packet carefully and ease
How To Use Condoms rhe condom our, raki ng care rhar
Learn ro regard rhe use of condoms you do nor s nag it on your
as a natural addi rion ro your love- jewellery or fingernails .
making rechniques. There are a few .:. At this point, do not start to unroll
rips to make rhis easier. Don'r wair the condom. Make sure you have
the condom round the right way,
with the rolled up ring on the
Choosing Condoms o urside, and just sq ueeze irs rip
Condoms are also popularly known as "rubbers", and "French letters". between you r ind ex finger and
Once you and your partner decide thar safer sex is caring sex rhe use of
condoms can have a really positive place in your lovemaking. Condoms
are abour 98 per cenr reliable when used as a barrier merhod during
penerrarive or oral sex ro protecr againsr infecrion of sexually rransmirted
diseases, including herpes and HIY.
Nowadays, there are many varieties of condoms ro choose from, and you
can experiment with different brands. Flavoured condoms can make
protecred oral sex more enjoyable and palatable, and coloured ones add
ro the fun. Some condoms are already lubricated and covered with
spermicide, while orhers are not.
You should always use a water-based lubricant, such as KY jelly, and nor
an oil-based one, such as petroleum jelly, which can interacr wirh rhe
rubber and damage ir. Lubricared condoms are less likely ro rear wirh
friction. Always check rhat you are using a suirable condom and
lubricant. Look for rhe use-by dare on the condom packer as rhe rubber
can deteriorate with age, and always srore condom packers away from ~
direct sunlighr, heat, perfumes and sharp objects.
In rhe United Srates, condoms from cerrified manufacturers will have an
expiration dare and lor number. They will have passed srringent rests by rhe
Internarional Standards Associarion. [n the United Kingdom, check for rhe
Kiremark guarantee on rhe packet, though it is important ro be aware that Penis Must Be Erect
rhis is usually a statement of suitability for vaginal sex rarher than anal sex. .+. Wait till the penis is erect before
Especially strong condoms are now made for anal sex. putting on the condom, otherwise it
can easily slip off.
10
Safer Sex
11
Undressing Each Other
Whether your relationship is new or well established, there is always a delicate moment of transition
when it moves into a more intimate and sexual dimension and you both know that you want to
make love. Men and women have developed all sorts of signals, both subtle and overt, to convey to
their partners that they are ready for sex. So now is the moment to get undressed, to expose and
reveal your bodies to each other, to explore one another and to become naked in body and desire.
Gerring undressed wlrh your lover is rhemselves and, most cerrainly, rhe If you have time to prepare, put on
an imporrant parr of foreplay, an arr bra fastener pops open wirh rhe soft lighting. Low-light lamps or
in irself, a viral scenario in rhe rhearre grearesr of ease. candlelight will spread a more flatter-
of love. Of course, you can rear off Ir i, rarely like rhar in real life, and ing and romantic glow in the room,
your c1orhes, or each orher's, rhrow mosr people have had embarrassing softening your skin tones and body
rhem into a heap and leap into bed. momenrs of fumbling and fiddling shape. Background music Can help
Somerimes, when passions are wirh fasreners, zips rhar stuck, or you to relax, so have your favourite
running high, rhar uninhibired jeans and skirrs which simply refused tapes close at hand.
approach is all parr of rhe fun. Or to budge pasr rhe rhighs. If any of
you may be shy abour your body, rhese situarions happen rhen you Strip -teasing
have judgements abour ir, and end up may need to give your lover a hand ... Try to make the act of undressmg
rrying ro ger undressed surrepri· or rake off rhe awkward irem of part of your love play. Slowly
riously in rhe barhroom or under rhe c10rhing yourself. undressing each other and allowing
bed c1orhes. Gerring undressed and You do not always know when you your mutual nakedness to reveal
being naked in front of a lover can be are going to make love bur if you Itself, stage by stage, will mtensify
very rraumaric for some people. have a suspicion that sex is on your desire for one another. As each
You may prefer ro rake off your rhe agenda, dress wirh undressing Item of clothing slips
own c10rhes and presenr yourself in mind. Simplify your c10rhing so it from the body, pay
naked in front of your parmer. Bur if can be removed easily, and avoid
you are shy, and your relarionship is wearing irems which leave
new, rhen you could choose to ger marks on your skin. Don't
undressed alone, and slip on an be caught out wearing
arrracrive dressing gown before your oldest and most areas, but also the eyes,
rerurning to rhe bedroom. ragged piece of hair, mouth, skin,
underwear, your hands, feet and
Dressing For Undressing woollen thermals,
For rhe bold and uninhibired and for baggy Y-fronts, string
couples who like to bring fanrasy vests, socks with holes, or
inro rheir love lives, why nor try a immovable bra. Whar y
tantalizing strip·rease for your parr-
nero However, undressing each other,
slowly and lovingly, lerring each parr that applies both to men
of the body reveal itself when the and women.
moment feels right, is a romantic way
to become unclothed in your prelude
to making love.
If the love scenes in movies are
anything to go by, undressing your
parmer is guaranteed to be a smooth
and graceful operarion. Clothes slip
like silk off rhe skin, burtons undo
12
Opening Moves
.. If you have been petting, hugging
and kissing each other, you may need
to signal that you are ready for more.
It is sometimes a relief for the man
when the woman decides to take the
initiative, giving him signs that she
wants to go further. Slowly undoing
his belt buckle and trouser zip should
really do the trick!
Keeping Active
'" She is going to need to move
around so that you can remove her
outer clothing with ease. Part of the
fun of undressing each other is to
constantly exchange the active and
Slow and Steady passive roles. As her body becomes
'" Now it is his turn to make a move. more exposed, stay sensitive to her
Take things slowly and let your signals so that she feels happy and
mutual anticipation of pleasure build relaxed about what is happening.
up gradually. Open the buttons
carefully one by one, and joke about
it if one gets stuck. Telling her just
how much you have been looking
forward to this moment of love will
help to put her at ease.
13
Basic Techniques
14
Undressing Each Other
15
Sensual Play
The term "sensual play" is probably more apt than "foreplay" to describe all the many wonderful,
caring, romantic, sensual and sexual activities that a man and woman can engage in to express their
attraction and love for each other. "Foreplay" usually refers to those sexual techniques that lovers
can use to arouse each other to ensure satisfactory intercourse and orgasm. As such, it implies an
activity with a goal in mind, something that comes before the real thing, a little like the hors-
d'oeuvres before the main meal- a nice taster but not quite substantial enough in itself
While this section mostly focuses on developed with your chosen partner, Kissing
sensual play in the context of love- whether that person is a new or long- Kissing is one of the most intimate
making, it can actually start from the term lover. It is not a set programme aspects of sensual foreplay and love-
moment twO people become attracted of techniques but more a response to, making because, in addition to being
to each other. It manifests in body and an acknowledgement of, the sexually arousing, it reveals the
language signalling a desire to whole person - body, mind and spirit degree of affection and tenderness
become more intimate with each - which makes you and your partner which exists between you and your
other. It includes holding hands, unique and special to each other. lover. Attitudes towards kissing
cuddling, hugging, kissing and the It is important to give it the time change from culture to culture, and
exchange of sweet words. and space it needs, both outside and in some parts of the world it plays a
It plays a part in the way partners inside the bedroom, for it will very small role, if any, in the sexual
choose to spend time together - nurture and enhance your relation- relationship. Most of us, though,
dancing to music, going to the ship, so that it remains caring and regard it as a highly personal part of
theatre, walking in the woods, sensual, warm and erotically alive. our lovemaking which reflects
arranging candlelit dinners, and the emotional closeness . From our earli-
exchange of small but meaningful est memories, kissing is associated
gifts. Sensual play acknowledges the with warm and caring contact, and
special relationship, both sexually some people find it easier to have full
and emotionally, that you have penetrative sex for purely physical
sensation and release than to kiss
Comforting Contact mouth to mouth without a certain
T Sensual contact may be as simple depth of loving feeling.
as a cuddle for comfort and Kissing usually plays a big part
closeness, a massage for relaxation, in the early stages of romance as
kisses to show affection, caresses to a way of exp loring sexual compati-
soothe or pamper, or moments spent bility and expressing attraction
looking tenderly into each other's and tenderness. However, it can
eyes. All of these can be the start of a become a sadly neglected activ-
sexual journey, but they can also be ity once the relationship has
relished purely for their own·sake. become firmly established
and is taken for granted.
One of the mOSt common
Sensual Play
com plaints made by women in long- on intercourse and orgasm, while the
Kiss and Tell te rm rela tio nships is th at their men s u btl e r expressio ns of love an d
jacqueline, aged 28, a secretary, do not kiss them often eno ugh, either tenderness, such as kissing, are regu-
has been married for four years: as a pu re ly ro manric a nd a ffectio nate la rly overlooked . Let kissing rema in
"To be honest, kissing is the best ges tu re, o r as parr of th eir sex ua l a n im po rta nt pa rt o f your ph ysica l
part for me. If my husband li ves. T oo often, a sexual relati o nship interactio n o uts ide th e bedroo m, as
doesn't kiss me enough, J just ca n settle down to the bas ics, where well as an integra l pa rt of your fo re-
don 't ger that turned on. When a ro usa l techniques are foc used purely play a nd lovemaki ng.
he takes the rime ro kiss me
properly, I feel he is appreciating Tender Touches
me rather than just my body. " .. Kissing during a sexual episode
can change from being tender and
Roger, aged 27, unemployed,
sweet to deep and passionate. It can
has a long-term girlfriend: "I
start with the gentle brushing of the
used to be an action man, you
lips over the face. Kissing the
know, straight to rhe point.
forehead is an especially caring and
When ( met Louise, she was
affectionate gesture. So is planting
keen on lots of kissing and
little kisses on her nose and cheeks.
foreplay. I started to really enjoy
it toO, and somerimes now we
Tease with Kisses
- just kiss and cuddle for ages
.. Playful kisses are also exciting.
before going on to anything else.
You can lift his face towards yours
It's grear. "
and teasingly kiss him all around his
Auril, 3.1, a mode l, is currently chin and jaw, moving down to the
single: " I love kissing, but I hate erotically sensitive areas of the neck
it when I've just met someone and throat.
and he tries to stick his tongue
in Illy mouth straight away. I Savour the Moment
prefer to be seduced into a full T Having taken your time to enjoy the sensuality of lip-to-skin contact, let eager
French kiss, and even then, only anticipation grow as your mouths come closer together. As your lips meet, close
after the first few dates. How a your eyes to savour this deliciously intima te moment.
man kisses me tells me a lot
about how he is going to make
love to me."
Fred, 62, a taxi driver, has been
married for thi rty-two years:
"We are from rhe old school,
and we didn'r have a full sexual
relationship until we were
married. We were courting for
several years and it was very
romantic, bur all we did was per
and kiss. Those kisses were
lovely and so full of promise.
Even now, we make sure we kiss
each other every day."
17
Basic Techniques
Gentle Kisses
... When you first begin to kiss, let your mouths and lips
relax together so that they become soft and yielding to one
another. Don't rush into a deep, passionate kiss too soon.
The longer you can delay before inserting your tongue into
your partner's mouth. the more sensual and stimulating the
kissing will be as it slowly begins to build up into an
erotically charged embrace. Try kissing all around the edges
of the lips, then run the tip of your tongue over them, as this
can also be very sexy.
Passionate Embrace
~ The chemistry between you both
will heat up once the tongue enters
the mouth - but don 't thrust it
immediately towards the throat.
Instead, roll it languidly over the
teeth and trace the moist contours of
the mouth's interior. Then, let your
tongues move and dart together to
initiate a sexual rhythm, setting the
pace for what is to follow. The act of
kissing each other, gently and slowly,
or passionately, can involve you both
so deeply that you can begin to feel
as if you are dissolving together. It
can keep you attuned and responsive
in both body and mind, while
increasing your sexual arousal.
Thrusting Tongues
~ During intercourse, kissing can
become very exciting if it imitates the
movements of coitus. As you hold
each other tight. your lips may meet
with a new sense of urgency and
your tongues will seek each other to
dance together to the tempo of the
pelvic thrusts.
18
Sensual Play
Sensual Celebration
~ Sensual p lay can achieve
something greater and more holistic
than forep lay It can be a wholly
satisfying experience in itself. an
expression of love, and a celebration
of the playful, sensual and erotic
capacity of the human body
19
Basic Techniques
to guarantee sexual success. What do not fall into boring patterns. It is prepared to exp lain or demonstrate
pleased and thrilled a previous part- not always easy to guess what a part- exactly how you want to be touched.
ner may not be as exciting or accept- ner wants at any particu lar time, so Rather than focusing you r whole
able to a new one. Also, sexual be prepared to talk to each other attention on the most obvious sexual
responses vary, not just from person about your likes and disli kes. areas, such as the genita ls or breasts,
to person, bur at different psycholog- When something fee ls good, say so read the section on erogenous zones
ical and biological stages of life and or make appreciative sounds. If it to appreciate how the whole body
even day to da y. does not feel good, there is no need can be responsive to erotic touch.
Learn to recognize your own to criticize. Just say to your partner Enjoy the exploration so that you can
sexual needs and those of your part- something like: "I would rea ll y like turn your foreplay into a delightful
ner, and enjoy experimenting so you you to do this to me," and then be variety of sensual play.
Making it Last
~ Take time to include sensual play
as foreplay so that lovemaking lasts
longer and is more luxurious, making
every cell of your body come alive
and more responsive while letting
yourselves become emotionally open
and relaxed with each other. In this
way your sexuality can envelop your
whole being.
20
Sensual Play
Loving Touches
.. Your man will also enjoy having
your touches and kisses on the back of
his body. This can include massaging
the legs, kissing and licking the highly
sensitive soft skin at the back of the
knees, stroking, pummelling and
squeezing the buttocks, and lightly
scratching your fingernails over his
skin to excite sensory nerve endings. In
this way, the whole body will be
suffused with sensual feelings.
Sexual Arousal ensure adequate friction, whi le the Loving and sensuous foreplay
Extended foreplay allows the whole inner two-thirds of the vagina benefits the man because it can take
body to become flooded with sex expands. It, too, will secrete a sexual the sexual charge away from his geni-
hormones so that the correct physio- lubricant as she becomes excited. Her tal area so that it streams through his
logical changes can occur to ensure clitoris also enlarges, as it becomes whole body, enabling him to become
harmonious lovemaking. For a engorged with blood, and its nerve more relaxed and better ab le to enjoy
woman, sufficient arousal will allow network becomes erotically sensitized. full body pleasure without the fear of
her vagina to undergo changes which As a woman's aro usa l increases, ejaculating too soon. If intercourse is
enable successful an d comfortable her breasts may increase slightly in to be the result of the foreplay, when
penetration during intercourse. The size, and her nipples become erect. If the excitement grows the right tactile
outer and inner lips of her vagina will the sensual play which has preceded stimulation wi ll enab le him to
swell and secrete lubricants, to give off intercourse has acknowledged her achieve a full erection. As his arousal
her own special sexual scent. The whole person, then physica ll y and increases, the scrotum skin thickens,
shape of her vagina will change, so emotionally she should feel vibrant and the testes draw up closer to his
that the outer third becomes narrower and receptive and ready to receive body. In some men, nipple erection
and better able to grip the penis to her man. during arousal is also common.
22
Sensual Play
Secret Zones
~ A woman 's body has many
surprising and hidden areas of sexual
sensitivity. Sensual play allows you to
unravel its mysteries, so that you
both can discover new and exciting
pleasure places. The underarm and
armpit can be very responsive to your
loving attention. Try rolling your
tongue languidly over its soft skin
while gently stroking her breast.
Breast Care
~ A woman's breasts are one of her
most erogenous areas, but their
responsiveness to tactile stimulation
may vary, depending on her mood or
the phase of her menstrual cycle.
Always be sensitive to them and to her
responses, and do not zone in on them
before she is ready for such intimate
contact. Gentle palpation of the
breasts can feel great, but remember
her breasts are glands and not
muscles, so handle them with care.
23
Basic Techniques
Guiding Hand
... Ask your man to show you exactly how he likes his penis
to be touched. Stroking, rubbing and kissing his penis is all
part of your sensual play. Being comfortable about touching
this important part of his body will enhance your mutual
satisfaction in lovemaking.
Understanding a danger that you may become erotically charged areas - the penis
Each Other resentful and gradually withhold and clitoris - reveals quite opposite
Even in close relationships, both men your sexuality altogether from your male and female needs. A man will
and women can be remarkably shy partner, or deaden your sensory often long to receive firmer touches
about discussing their sexual needs responses so that your sexual life to his penis during manual stimula-
with each other, including what turns becomes more of a funct ional duty tion, while a woman generally prefers
them on and what turns them off. This rather than a joyful celebration of a more subtle approach to the stimu-
is partly because the sexual ego is very your relationship. lation of her c1iroris, usua lly after she
fragile and it is easy to feel rejected or Sexuality should not be imposed has become aroused. You can help
to take any comments, other than on the other person regardless of each other by showing exactly how
highly positive ones, as criticism. how he or she may feel. Much of the you like to be touched.
Talking about sexual issues pleasure can be in the mutual explo- Many men and women experiment
requires delicate negotiation, being ration of each other's bodily with genital touching during
able to choose the right moment, a responses. It is a two-way interac- masturbation and usually perfect
willingness on both sides to experi- tion, involving many subtle nuances their technique in doing so. (See
ment and explore new methods, and and variations. You can jangle along Self-Pleasuring, and Mutual
a readiness to change old patterns. together, or you can compose a Masturbation.) Watch each other
The latter can be particularly difficult symphony of love, touch, sensuality masturba te, or guide your parmer's
if your methods have worked and eroticism which will always hit hand or finge rs with your own,
perfectly well on previous occasions the right note, depending on your showing the different pressures and
or with another partner. changing needs and moods. sttokes that you most enjoy and that
However, by not disclosing your How most men and women touch are most likely to help you reach
sexual needs and preferences, there is and want to be touched in their most your peak of arousal.
24
Sensual Play
Penile Stimulation
A man most definitely wants his penis
Just Connect Clitoral Stimulation to be handled with care, but he may
• Foreplay can bring you both to a Most women dislike having their well prefer firmer pressure and
state of arousal, where intercourse is clitoris roughl y handled; it is an exquis- strokes than he is actually getting
the desired conclusion. As sensual itely sensitive part of their sexual from you . Many women err on the
play, it can also be complete in itself anatomy. Correct stimu lation of the side of being too timid in the way
without penetrative sex. Just clitoris is very important to a woman's they handle their lover's penis. Ask
pleasuring each other, exploring sexual satisfaction and to her achieving your man to show you exactly what
every part of the body with loving an orgasm. Too much, too soon can be he likes. Watch him stimulate himself,
oral and tactile stimulation, can irritating and even painful. and then let him put his hand over
create a deep and mutual sexual and Once your woma n is a roused by yours to move it up and down the
emotional connection, whether or more loving and sensual foreplay, and glans and shaft. This way you can
not it eventually leads to orgasm or she is naturally producing her vaginal learn whether he likes shorr or long
sexual intercourse. secretions, stroking, rubbing, licking, strokes, rapid or more sensual ones.
flicking the tongue back and forth Remember, though, if you want to
and gentle sucking on the clitoris can extend yo ur foreplay, do not over-
create euphoric sensations throughout stimu late his penis at this point, or
her whole body . However, she may you can bring your man to orgasm
not want you to focus stimulation too soon. During sensual play, kiss-
directly onto her clitoris for a ing and licking rhe penis and testicles
prolonged period of time, bur would tenderly, flicking your tongue over
prefer if you also touched and them, and saying appreciative things
palpated the surrounding areas, such about this treasured parr of his body,
as the vaginal lips and mons. Also, will make him feel especially good.
25
Oral-Genital Sex
Oral-genital sex can be one of the most enjoyable and sexually arousing options available to people
who seek pleasure and fulfilment from a sexual relationship. The term refers to the sexual activity in
which men and women stimulate each other's genita1s by use of the mouth and tongue. When a
woman receives this from a man it is called cunnilingus, and when a man receives this from a
woman it is called fellatio. The degree to which a couple may include oral sex in their lovemaking
will vary from one sexual episode to another and between one couple and another.
Many people like to include oral sex suits the delicate clitoral area very Although oral sex is highly arous-
as a special intimacy to aid arousal in well, and is more likely to excite her ing, some men who have a tendency
their foreplay, but prefer to attain and less likely to irritate than having to ejaculate prematurely find that
orgasmic satisfaction through coitus. a dry finger rubbed against the area oral stimulation gives them greater
Others like it to be a complete sexual during manual stimulation. If her control over their orgasmic processes
experience in itself, through which parrner is prone to ejaculate before than if they had vaginal sex without
both sexes are able to achieve she has reached her own peak of it. In other circumstances, the very
a deeply satisfying orgasm and arousal, he can use his tongue to help thought or sight of seeing a woman
emotional and physical intimacy, her reach an orgasm. performing fellatio, or the erotic
with or without intercourse. The majority of men take special sensations created by her tongue and
A woman, who is more inclined to pleasure in receiving fellatio from mouth on his penis can very quickly
reach orgasm through clitoral and their partners. Depending on the bring a man to the peak of arousal.
vulval stimulation rather than vaginal particular situation, a man may enjoy [n this case, if the couple are looking
stimulation from the penis alone, can it purely as a method of arousal and forward to an extended period of
find it particularly beneficial to her then want to proceed towards full lovemaking, it would be better to
arousal and subsequent sexual satis· penetrative intercourse, or he may avoid overstimulating his penis
faction. The soft moistness of the hope that his woman uses her mouth through oral sex methods.
tongue and its sensual movements to bring him to orgasm. One of the most delightful aspects
of oral sex is that it provides the
oppottunity for lovers to take it in
turns to surrender themselves totally
to simply giving or receiving loving
and highly erotic attention. Some
couples save oral sex for a special
treat, pethaps only on a birthday, or
on holiday, or to mark a romantic
26
Oral-Genital Sex
Cunnilingus
YOUt sexual patmer is the best
teacher in showing you exactly how
to please her. Woman all have differ-
ent responses, so experiment together
and let her guide you with soft sighs,
encouraging words, and pelvic move-
ments to discover how your mouth
and tongue can thrill her. Her Arousal Blossoms
Most women wou ld prefer to be Nuzzle into her mons and vulva, seducing it with the warmth of your kisses.
aroused through sensual play, loving As she relaxes and becomes increasingly aroused, her vaginal lips will begin to
strokes , kisses, and whole body swell and lubricate and produce her exotic sexual scent. When she is ready, this
attention before they receive any area will begin to open to you like a flower in the morning sun.
direct stimulation of the clitoral area.
This gives a woman time to produce When she is aroused, her clitoris rhythm and action of your tongue, as
and sectete her own love juices, so will swell, as will the lips of her too much sustained pressure can be
her vulva becomes receptive, warm, vulva. You can gently part her lips, irritating. You can also suck gently
wet and welcoming. and begin to thrill her with your on her clitoris, and flick your tongue
Women often complain that men tongue. Change your strokes and over it from side to side.
either neglect the clitoris or they zone pressures and pay special attention to Be alert to her signals so that you
in on it before they have become the areas surrounding her clitoris as can judge whether she wants you to
aroused, which can be irritating and this can be even more arousing. Let take her all the way to orgasm, or
painful. Before you begin to perform your tongue playfully stroke around would prefer to change to another
cunnilingus, kiss and excite all the the vagina, even thrusting a little into activity. She might want to retum the
areas adjacent to her genitals, then it. (Never blow air into her vagina. favour, or to take your penis into her
gently nuzzle and lick over her mons This can cause an air embolism and vagina so that you can both orgasm
and vulva. may be dangerous.) Change the in coitus. Cunnilingus can bring some
27
Basic Techniques
women into a multi-orgasmic state, Begin by nuzzling, fondling, kiss- delicate area. Once you have taken
so she may just want YOll to continue. ing and licking his pubic area, penis his penis into yo ur mouth, ensure
For other women, the clitoris and scrotum and stroking his rhat your teeth don't make contact.
becomes extremely sensitive after an perineum so he becomes more Cover them wirh your lips - remem-
orgasm. In thar case, she probably aroused and his erecrion increases. ber, his greatest fear is that you will
won't want YOll to continue to stimu- Then run your tongue over the most bite or nip it by accident.
late ir and may even move your head erorically sensitive parts of his penis Prolonged fellatio may make your
away. [f you are sensitive to her Clles, - rhe rop and around the ridge of its jaw ache, so rest your mouth if you
you can rake her all rhe way ro a tip (rhe glans) - and along its shafr, need to, conrinuing the stimulation
state of ecstasy. flicking yo ur tongue from side ro by hand in the meantime. Try to put
side or up and down. Focus special yourself in your man's body and
Fellatio attention on the underside of the imagine what sensations he must be
If you are performing fellatio on your penis as this part is particularly feeling and let your imagination
man, ir is probably a good idea to sensitive to stimulation. guide you. (Despite the fact that fella-
place one hand around the shaft of Experiment wirh the movements tio is commonly referred to as a
the penis so you can control his of your tongue, changing its pressure "b low job", never blow inro your
thrusting movements. [n this way, and rhythm, and encourage him to man's penis as this can be harmful.)
you can overcome the fear that you tell you what he likes. Men generally Ask him to let you know if he is
mighr inadvertently choke. Your man prefer a strong, firm pressure on the going to orgasm - or be alert to his
should always let you remain in penis, and sometimes comp lain that a signa ls. It is up to you ro decide
control of rhe movements, and he woman's rouch is too light and timid. whether you want him to ejaculate in
should refrain from thrusting deeply He will enjoy you fondling his scro- your mouth, or would prefer to move
into your mouth , no marter how tum too, but remember that here you on to another stage of lovemaking.
excired he is. need a light touch as this is his most You may be very willing to go all rhe
way during fellatio, feeling thar you
Teasing Touches are imhibing the very essence your
"" Work your way slowly and sensuously down his body towards his genitals, man into yourself if you swa llow his
bringing the whole surface of his skin alive with your breath, lips, tongue and semen. It can bring you great plea-
touches. Linger over his belly, kissing teasingly around the pubic area, and su re because you know he will feel
moving inch by inch closer to his genitals. loved and totally accepted by you
and that, in itself, can be deeply
arousing.
You may, however, be willing to
do this only if you feel secure and
very much in love with your partner.
It may be that you simply cannot
tomach the idea of swa llowing semi-
nal fluid, even though you may feel
fine about performing fellatio, or
even of having your man ejaculate in
your mouth. In that case, keep some
tissues close at hand so that you can
discreetly dispose of the seminal fluid
from your mouth.
If you don't want him to ejaculate
in your mouth, you can manually
stimu late him to orgasm. Let him
28
Oral-Genital Sex
come on a noth er part of your body, never try, pressurize your partner, Sexual Exploration
rub his penis between your breasts or be forced against your will inro " Many men love the sensation of
until he ejacu lates, o r guide it into performing or receiving oral sex, or having their scrotum gently
your vagina so you ca n ca rr yon to any other sexual activity, if eirher one stimulated by loving licks and kisses.
intercourse. of you objects, eve n if you participate Move his penis gently to one side and
in it on some occasions but are just explore the whole area with your
Concerns and Objections not in the mood right now. tongue, while stroking his thighs and
Many co uples feel th at ora l sex is an It is an extremely intimate activity, buttocks and perineal region with
integral a nd natural feature of their and shou ld only be performed with your other hand.
sex li ves a nd , for some, it is the best tota l mutual co nsent. A partner's
part of it. Oral sex has always been refusa l to participate in ora l sex may
an op ti on for men and women in be tooted in deep moral or religious
sexua l relationships and the practice convictions and is not necessarily a
is recorded in ancient texts suc h as rejection of the other person.
The Kama Sutra. Howeve r, at differ- Everyone has rheir own sexual
ent times in hi sto ry, and in different boundaries and limit s, and w hil e
cu ltur es, it h as been considered many loving coup les feel secure
deviant behaviour. In the early part enough to abandon a ll or mOSt of
of this ce ntury a request for ora I sex their sexual inhibitions, some individ-
cou ld be considered grounds for uals may genuine ly need to set rules.
divorce. In some states of America it Discuss these issues hone tly with
was ou tlawed. eac h ot her because understanding
Research now shows that the and accepting each other's truths is
majority of sexua ll y active people an important part of a loving and
have participated in o ral sex at some intimate relationship. Some people,
point in their li ves, though statistics particularly women, can only partici -
indicate that more men than women pate in oral sex activities if they are
enjoy it or put it at the top of their deeply in love and feel the relation-
li st of favourite sexua l practices. This sh ip is a comm itted one. They may
may have something to do with the co me to enjoy ora l-ge nital contact
fact that men are not a lways so once the sexual relationship has
ski lled in performing ora l sex to their become estab li s hed and secure .
women's sa tisfaction. Patience ca n often be rewarded.
Women, too, ca n have deep anxi- Some of the objections people
eties abo ut th e smel l, t aste and have to ora l sex may be based more
appearance of their vaginal area. on fears, misconceptions and misin-
They ma y be against th e idea of formation, such as that it is "dirty"
putting th e penis into their mouth s o r harmfu l, or they may have anxi-
for fear of choking, or re pulsed by eties about the geni tals being ugly, or
the idea of swallowing seminal fluids sme lling or tasting unpleasant. Such
if the man ejaculates.
Oral sex is a nor ma l, hea lth y Good Vibrations
acriv ity in a n intimate relationship . ~ When you are ready, take his
However, if you do not want to do it, penis into your mouth, to whatever
yo u s hou ld not co nsid e r yo urself depth you feel most comfortable.
lacking or abnormal in any way. It is You can suck on his penis or vibrate
a very personal choice. You should your tongue over the shaft.
29
Basic Techniques
anxieties can usually be alleviated smells will probably avoid oral sex Sixty-Nine
with gentle understanding, explo- altogether, or move on quickly. The The name sixry-nine refers to a form
ration and support. Reading sex taste and smell of your sexual secre- of oral sex in which the man and
manuals like this one, or speaking to tions can be affected, however, if you woman take up a head-to-tail posi-
a psycho-sexual counsellor can also have eaten lots of spicy or garlic- tion to mutually pleasure each other.
help to alleviate unnecessarily inhibit- flavoured food. Ir is sometimes known as soixante-
ing anxieties or phobias. The secretions sometimes become neuf - which is French for sixty-nine.
more acrid or metallic tasting just It can be performed with one person
Smelling and before a menstrual period. Try sexual lying on top of the other, but facing
Tasting Good honesty, and ask your partner to let the opposite direction, so rhat both
As a woman, probably your biggest you know if the taste suddenly changes mouths are close enough to the geni-
concern about receiving oral sex is and he would rather abstain. If you tals to apply simultaneous oral stimu-
whether those imimate parts of you notice a strong smell or discharge from lation. In rhis position, it is usually
are going to taste and smell good to your vagina, you may have an infec- preferable for the woman to be on
your man. Normally, your natural, tion. In that case, pur oral sex on hold top of her man because of the proba-
special, musky, and earthy sexual and seek a medical check-up. ble weight difference.
scem and taste will be very appealing The normal amount of seminal Another more comfortable posi-
to him. Those men who are squea- fluid in each ejaculation is about a rion to take is with both partners
mish about vaginal secretions and teaspoonful, and for those who are lying on their sides, facing each
weight conscious, it contains about other, but in opposite directions. The
five calories. It has the constituency upper leg should be opened away
When To Abstain
of raw egg white and tastes a little from the genital area. Each partner
From Oral Sex
salry. Except in the case of infection can then place his or her head on the
The chapter on Safer Sex or sexually transmitted disease (in orher's lower thigh so that mouths
explains the risks involved in which case oral sex should be and tongues are close to the genitals.
HIV/AIDS transmission during avoided), rhere is no evidence ro
oral-genital sex practices. If prove that swallowing semen is Soixante-Neuf
you are unsure about your own harmful in any way to a woman, " The sixty-nine position is worth
or your partner's health, or providing she is a willing participant experimenting with and adding to
know lirrle about each other's in rhe act. your sexual repertoire.
sexual history, then fellatio
should be performed only
when using a condom or, in
the case of cunnilingus, a
demal dam.
You should not participate in
oral sex if you have an active
cold sore around your mouth, or
a genital herpes sore, or any
other kind of infection or
sexually transmirred disease,
umil it has been treated and
cleared up. Oral sex is not
advisable during a menstrual
period because of the risk of
blood-transmitted infections.
30
Oral-Genital Sex
Sexual Hygiene
Careful hygiene preca ut io ns
should be ta ken by bo th men
and wo men before intimate
sex ual contact but there is no
reason to believe that the genita l
area is a ditty, taboo o r unclean
pa rr of the body just beca use it
is " down there". Adequate
Whil e th e sixty-nin e posi t io n in Kneel and Play bathing, or even washing each
o ra l sex ca n lea d ~o w o nd erfull y ... She can sit on an armchair with o ther's genitals in the sho wer
erotic se nsa ti o ns, a nd ca n be ta ken legs spread over the arms while you befo re makin g love, should
a ll th e way to mutu al o rgas m, it is kneel in front of her and adorn her suffice. Specia l ca re should be
often preferred as a part of fo replay, vulva with succulent kisses, licks and tak en to ensure the anal area is
rather th an as a full orgasmic experi - all manner of exciting forms of oral also clean before any intimate
ence in itse lf. On e di sadva ntage of play. In this position, she can relax contact to avo id the risk of
the practice is that it is quite difficult completely, abandoning herself to sp reading infectio n o r passing
to rea ll y rela x and enj oy th e sensa- overwhelming whole body sensations. o n a sexually transmitted
ti ons you are receiving at one end of disease. If there are any signs of
yo ur bo d y, w hil e be in g acti ve ly irritation or d ischa rge, sores or
involved at the other. Yo u may also a brasio ns in the genital area of
climax at different tim es . either sex, then a bstain from any
If you do achi eve an o rgasm whil e kind of genital contact and seek
receivin g thi s kind of o ral stimul a- medica l ad vice.
tion, you won't necessa ril y be able to
co ntr o l yo ur res po nses o r mu scl e
contractio ns, and it is highl y unlikely
in th ese mo ments th a t yo u w ill be Armchair Arousal
able to continue return ing the favo ur. ~ She can support
herself while sitting back
Other Positions in an armchair or on the
Couples ca n be fantastica lly in venti ve edge of the bed while
with sexua l pos iti o ns o nce th ey fee l you arouse her with your
relaxe d abo ut eac h o th er 's bo di es mouth, and stroke her
a nd are in th e full fl ow of aro usa l. buttocks and thighs at
Here are some oth er suggested posi- the same time.
tio ns for giv ing a nd rece iving ora l-
ge nita l stimul a ti o n - th o ug h th e
cha nces a re, yo u w ill crea te so me
more that are uniquely yo ur own .
One partner ca n li e down with the
other partner kneeling over the face,
so th at the genita ls a re cl ose to the
mo uth . From this position, the acti ve tio n. If a woman is perfo rming fell a- ca n have fu II control over how much
petso n ca n a lso stro ke and squ eeze tio fro m thi s positi on, she should ri ng enters her mouth. The ma n shou ld be
the buttoc ks to give add ed stimul a- her man 's penis w ith o ne hand so she carefu l not to thrust too hard.
31
Compatibility
There are no rules about the positions you take or the things you do while making love, except one -
that both of you should feel physically and emotionally satisfied by the experience. Often, at the
beginning of a relationship, you need time to gauge what gives pleasure and feels good, which
movements work harmoniously and what pace and rhythm feels right. Lovemaking tends to improve as
you get to know one another's preferences and responses. You then begin to fall in tune with each other
in much the same way that musicians or dancel'S do when they continually practise their art together.
Time to Explore
~ With a new sexual relationship,
allow plenty of time for sensuality,
exploring your partner's body during
foreplay, so that you get to know
each other's physical responses.
Being in tune with one another leads
to compatible lovemaking.
Whole-Body Contact
'" During intercourse, tactile contact should not be confined to the genitals
alone. For example, the female partner can use her breasts and hair to caress
the man's chest as she sensually sways her body from side to side. Continue
touching and kissing the whole body throughout lovemaking.
33
The Basic Positions
There are a number of lovemaking positions in common practice that most couples feel comfortable
with. These allow both the man and woman to express themselves sexually in different ways by
taking more active or passive roles in the lovemaking, and thereby eliciting a variety of physical and
emotional responses. An equal and balanced sexual partnership is capable of sharing the more
dominant and submissive roles quite easily, allowing a natural transfer between the two, either
within one episode of lovemaking, or on different occasions.
Woman on Top
... The woman-on-top position enables the couple
to swap the more active and passive roles and
allows them to experience and express other
aspects of their sexuality. The woman has more
freedom to move and is better able to control the
depth of the man's thrusts and the stimulation she
may need to reach orgasm.
34
The Basic Positions
Sitting Position
~ In this sitting position, the couple
can feel equal in their sexual roles as
it allows them to embrace each other
closely and feel intimately bonded.
While their movements are somewhat
limited, it is a perfect lovemaking
posture for more meditative
intercourse.
35
Basic Techniques
The Man-on -Top very intimate position, in which part- Preparing for Penetration
Position ners remain face to face and in eye l" When sensual play progresses to
Intercourse in which the man contact, allowing the exchange of intercourse it is a moment of physical
assumes the more dominant role, on tender and arousing kisses, and and psychological transition for the
top of the woman, is one of the most words of love. In addition, it offers man and woman. Both need to be
commonly adopted sexual positions. close physica l contact between the ready in body and mind for this
However, as an automatic choice it most erogenous and vulnerable parts deeper level of intimacy and
has been challenged in more recent of the body, the pubis, abdomen, penetration, so it is important to stay
times because sexually liberated chest and breasts. in touch with your own and your
women are just as eager to share the A woman who, on ot her occa- partner's responses. Don't rush into
active role in sex. sions, enjoys exploring and express- penetration if either of you is not
It is popularly known as "the ing the more active part of her erotic quite ready for it. If both are fully
missionary position", a name first nature may also enjoy relaxing sexu- aroused by the touches, kisses, words
given by Pacific Islanders who ally into the more submissive role, and embraces of foreplay, the
witnessed the "strange" marital and letting her man take charge . woman's vulva will have swelled, and
acrivities of white missionaries - the While this position obvious ly suits a her vagina will be secreting its juices,
wife on her back with her husband man who prefers to be the active in readiness to receive the penis; the
on top. The islanders preferred to sexual partner, he should a lso be man's penis will be erect and firm,
make love with the woman squatting prepared to exp lore other postures if and able to enter her. Emotionally,
over her man - a position which his partner so desires. both should be open and available to
allowed her to express her sexuality The advantage of this position for each other, as they enter into coitus.
fully. Certainly the "missionary posi- a man is that he has more command To check that the woman is
tion" would have been the obvious over his pelvic movements . His penis sufficiently lubricated to accept his
choice whenever the man assumed is at a comfortable angle to enter the penis, the man can stroke his fingers
the dominant role in the partnership, woman's vagina, and he has berrer over her vulva and vaginal opening,
or the woman regarded her sexual control over the depth of its thrllsts, or simply ask her if she is ready for
role purely as a duty. which enab les him to regu late hi s penetration. She may indicate by
That it still remains a popular pace and rhythm so that he is ab le to words, sounds or touch that she
choice for sexually emancipated gain the maximum stimu lation wants him to enter her. He can then
couples is probably because it is a needed to reach orgasm. guide his penis into her vagina.
36
The Basic Positions
Slow Entry
" In this basic man-on-top position, the man is between the woman's legs as
his penis begins to penetrate her vagina . She lies on her back, and opens her
legs wide to give him room to enter her. Slow and careful manoeuvring will
ensure the penis remains in the vagina and does not slip out, which can happen
if either tries to move too rapidly before both bodies have adjusted their fit to
each other. Many women love a slow entry, when the tip of the penis enters
and lingers teasingly just within the vaginal orifice. This can give her further
time to relax, emotionally and physically, so that her vagina IS flooded with the
total desire to be filled. She can also reach down to caress his scrotum and the
shaft of his penis, which is waiting to enter.
Slow Motion
.... The man can begin thrusting with
shallow actions, moving his pelvis
slowly and gently back and forth, and
allowing more time for attunement.
On arousal, the first part of her
vagina constricts, enabling it to grip
the penis securely; adding to the
pleasurable sensations of friction .
However, if the man is in a state of
high arousal, he needs to be careful
not to overstimulate the erotically
sensitive tip of his penis if he is prone
to ejaculating too quickly.
37
Basic Techniques
Making it Comfortable
For the woman, the main disadvan-
rages of rhe man-on-top posirion are
the restricrions to her own pelvic
movements and, unless her partner is
particularly aware of his actions, the
inadequacy of the clitoral stimulation
- an important factor if she wishes to
be aroused to orgasm.
Other situations can make this
posirion an unsuitable choice. If a
woman is suffering from a back
condition, she may find that making
love in this position will add to the
strain. If her partner is much heavier
than her, she may feel confined and
burdened by the size difference.
A pregnant woman can feel
anxious and uncomfortable about
having any weight bearing down on Aiding Mobility
her abdomen. Her breasts may feel ... For a woman, mobility is more difficult when making love in the man-on-top
particularly sensitive to pressure and, position. She may find it helpful if a pillow is placed beneath her buttocks to tilt
in the later stages of her pregnancy, her pelvis. This will give her more freedom of hip movement and take the strain
this position may simply be impossi- away from her lower back. By placing her feet firmly against the mattress, she
ble. In all of these cases, if rhe man is can use her leg muscles to add leverage to her pelvic motions, to increase
on top of his partner, he should take sensation for both of them, and to allow greater clitoral stimulation as it rubs
care not to put all his weight on her. against his pubic bone. To avoid pinning her down with his body, the man
The man-an-top position puts the should support his own weight with his arms and hands, keeping the trunk of
onus on rhe man to perform, and this his body slightly lifted above her.
may not suit him if he is tired or
under stress. While he may desire arousal. Unfortunately, some men see and moving rogether, feeling and
physical intimacy with his partner, at penetration as a green light to go, and responding, and abandoning them-
a time like this it is usually preferable start thrusting away intent on an selves equally to the sheer physical and
if rhe woman rakes the more active orgasm regardless of what is happen- emotional pleasure of the moment.
role. Also, if the man is prone to ing to their partners. In other scenar- Fortunately, recent research shows
premature ejaculation, he would do ios, a man may. be conscious of the that mOSt sexually acrive men, while
well to experiment with the woman- woman's needs and start performing a still considering female sexuality to
on-top positions which may slow him series of mechanical manoeuvres be something of a mystery, believe
down and give him greater conrrol aimed at giving her an orgasm so that that their partner's satisfaction is as
over this process. he can go ahead and achieve his own. importanr as their own. For many
Neither type of behaviour is particu- men, giving sexual joy to their
Intimacy in Intercourse larly desirable nor likely to please the women is the besr parr of making
The man should always remain aware woman, because intercourse is not a love. According to the srudies, rhe
of his partner's sexual responses, and race or a gymnastic show, or a ques- majority of men do believe that inti-
ensure that rhe shared intimacy which tion of pushing the right buttons ro macy and affection during lovemak-
inspired the lovemaking is nor gain an end result. It is all abour two ing are very important factors in a
suddenly abandoned in the heat of people meeting and merging, breathing woman's sexual happiness.
38
The Basic Positions
39
Basic Techniques
Varying Direction
.... Angles of thrusting should be
changed throughout intercourse to
produce a variety of sensations, and to
stimulate different areas of the vagina .
The man can use his hand to lift and tilt
the woman's pelvis in one direction, so
that his penis strokes along the side of
her vaginal wall. Deep thrusting should
only occur when the woman is fully
aroused as her cervix and uterus will
then have become elevated. He must
also avoid thrusting too deeply into the
side of her cervix.
40
The Basic Positions
sex acr irself can begin ro seem auro- your hips from side ro side ro creare a Enjoy the range of depth ro which
maric and boring. When rhis sexy wiggle, or circulare borh pelvise rhe peni can penerrate the vagina.
happens, and unforrunarely it some- simultaneously to produce some Play reasingly berween shallower and
rimes occurs in even rhe besr sexual highly erotic sensations and ro add a deeper thrusrs. Shallow penerration
parrnerships, the woman may starr touch of variety to the more usual can be very exciring ro borh sexes
thinking abour something else a lro- back-and-forth rocking morion . because it produces friction on the rip
gether. She may mentally vacate her If your movements do fall out of of rhe penis and stimulates rhe ourer
body, beginning ro wish the whole rhyrhm, don't hesitare ro tell your reaches of the vagina, borh regions
episode was over. partner you need ro slow down for a thar are richly served with erorically
Pelvic motions can be wild, while. Relax and brearhe together charged nerve endings.
passionate and thrusting, or rhey may and make eye contacr so you regain Deep penetrarion produces more
be delic iously subrle, depending on harmony. You can remain like this powerful emorional responses, crear-
the intensity of sexual energy at any for quite a long period of time, JUSt ing a profound sense of fulfilmenr
given moment of lovemaking. The moving your hips enough ro ensure and connecrion berween rhe partners.
man obviously has more freedom of rhe penis receives sufficient stimula- So do add spice and vitality to your
movement in this position, bur borh rion to remain erecr inside the vagina. love life by enjoying and experiment-
parrners should try to reach a Let rhe sexual feelings rise again, and ing with varying rhrusts, positions,
synchroniciry and fluidity in their focus on these inner sensations, pressures and angles ro creare maxi-
morions ro avoid the "bump and letting them move you gradually into mum pleasure for you both. Let sex
grind" effect. You can try moving a new and ea y flow of movement. be advenrutous and fun.
41
Basic Techniques
The Woman 's would say that emotional and physi- more dominant on-top position , he
Satisfaction cal intimacy is the most important needs to exercise a certain amOunt of
Even though the woman assumes a aspect of lovemaking, whether or not conscious control over his move-
more passive rol e in lovemaking they reach orgasm. ments and arousal level. He may
when her partner takes the on-top Sexual performance is as much need to slow down from time to
position, it is important th a t she subject to mood and change as any time, so the duration of lovemaking
receives the right kind of stimulation other function in life. It can be ecsta- and the involvement of his partner
to achieve sexual satisfaction. What tic, passionate and mutually orgas- provide fulfilment for them both .
constitutes satisfaction will be differ- mic, or it may be comfortable and How long it should last is a matter
ent for each woman. For many it will cosy - more like a cuddle. Most for the couple concerned, but the
mean being able to reach their full couples do take a realistic view of answer will probably lie in whether
orgasmic potenti al, while for some it their sex lives, and do not expect to each person feels sexually and
may be the need to feel as equally "feel the earth move" on every occa- emotionally fulfilled during and after
involved as their partners. Others sion. However, when a man is in the a session of lovemaking.
Pulling Close
~ While beneath her man, a woman
may want to become more involved
in the action. One way is for her to
wrap her legs around the man 's back,
pulling him close in to her. This will
bring their genitals in very close
contact, creating a pleasurable
friction on the clitoris, especially when
the pelvic motions are circular or
rocking from side to side. It is not a
position that can be prolonged,
however, as the man 's movements
are somewhat restricted, and it may
become tiring for the woman.
42
The Basic Positions
43
Basic Techniques
Unlike past decades, few women While the man remains on top of Lifting One Leg
today would put up with a sexual the women, he should ensure that ,. A more comfortable variation of
encounter that only lasted a few she is able to adjust her movements the legs-raised position is for the man
minutes. On the other hand, anxiety to increase her pleasure and that to lift one of his partner's legs over
about performance can lead some both her clitoris and vagina are his shoulder. He is then able to thrust
men to become too controlled, and receiving stimulation. This can be and move his body more easily, while
that can also cause discomfort if the achieved by allowing continuing also increasing the pressure on her
thrusting becomes prolonged and contact berween his pubic bone and thigh and vulva. The woman needs to
mechanical and Out of tune with a her clitoris, or he can add gentle be supple enough to stay relaxed,
woman's wishes. pressure to her vulva with his hand, and as deep penetration is also
Greater sexua l awareness and or stroke her clitoris sensitively with possible, the position should only be
openness have changed some basic his fingers. adopted when she is fully aroused.
patterns of male sexual behaviour.
Only three decades ago, the famous
American sex researcher Alfred
Kinsey stated that, according to his
studies, the majority of men inter-
viewed considered it perfectly normal
to ejaculate within the first two
minutes of intercourse. Nowadays,
most men are much better informed
about a woman's sexual responses
and her orgasmic capacity and it is
quite standard for a man to ask his
partner how he can give her the most
pleasure.
What is more important is that
both people continue to explore their
potential for pleasure, allowing them-
se lves to be more spontaneous yet
constantly sensitive to each other's
feelings, sensations and responses .
Increasing Pressure
~ Here the woman's legs are
between the man's as he squeezes
her thighs with his. Although she has
very little movement in this position,
the extra pressure on her vulva is very
arousing, while his penis fits tightly
into her vagina. To increase
stimulation, she can wiggle around a
little, or contract her pelvic floor and
vaginal muscles to exert extra
pressure on his penis.
44
The Basic Positions
Simon, 57, divorced, father of three, a teacher: What turns you on most
about a woman? "The eyes and the voice." What do you enjoy most
about lovemaking? "The sense of merging with another persall." When do
Close Body Contact
you experience your most powerful orgasms? "When ['m not too tired. [t
... While the man is in the more
depends all how close and secure [ feel with my partner."
active and dominating position when
he is on top of his partner, she can Dean, aged 23, a student, single: What turns you on most about a
exert her power too by pulling him woman? "Beauty and a feeling of warmth between me and the woman ['m
towards her and enfolding him in her attracted to. " What do you enjoy most about lovemaking? "The
arms so that he surrenders to her closeness." When do you experience your most powerful orgasms? "When
embrace. Throughout their ['m in love. [f it's a one-night stand it's more like a release."
lovemaking, there should always be Terry, 42, a postal worker, divorced: What turns you on the most about a
moments of close, intimate and woman? "The eyes, the smell, the breasts, her femininity." What do you
passionate body-to-body contact. enjoy most about lovemaking? "The closeness; the bonding, expressing
our love." When do you experience your most powerful orgasms? "[n a
good relationship, sex is just more intense; or if [ haven't had sex for a
while. It's also a special mood, all openness, it is not something that can
be planned. "
Paul, 30, a decorator, single: What turns you on most about a woman?
"Everything, and all kinds of women!" What do you enjoy most about
lovemaking? "The intimacy, the closeness, giving and receiving pleasure. "
When do you experience your most powerful orgasms? "With my current
girlfriend. "
45
Expressing Our Sexuality
The bedroom, of all places, should never be a battleground for power. So the question of who takes
the dominant and submissive positions, or the active and passive sexual roles, should be a matter for
lovers to decide after they have conducted a shared and joyful exploration into what feels natural,
pleasurable, satisfying and sexually creative to them both. These days, most couples like to swap
sexual positions and roles because it allows them to experience all the nuances of their sexual
nature, which will have both feminine and masculine qualities, regardless of gender. This is how it
should be because men and women today are breaking away from gender conditioning in every
other aspect of their lives too.
Men do not always want to be efficient contraception, which has While it is largely true that for a
"macho", and sometimes need to reduced their anxieties about woman the emotional, sensual and
express the more sensitive side of unwanted pregnancy, and liberated nurturing aspects of a relationship
their nature, while women are no them from the constraints of their remain integral to her sexual happi-
longer content to be typecast purely biology to enjoy sex for reasons of ness, she may also desire to reach the
in the "gentler sex" role. Since our pure intimacy and pleasure. In addi- heights of sheer physical pleasure
sexuality is a profound expression of tion, women now know that they during lovemaking for which her
who we are, there should be enough have an equal, if not greater orgasmic body is uniquely designed.
scope within any sexual relationship capacity than their male partners .
for it to reflect the whole diversity of Gone are the days when a sexually The Woman-on -Top
our inner selves. ecstatic woman was considered to be Position
Over the last three decades, an aberration of her sex. A woman is able to express her
women have enjoyed more sexual Women wanr and expect to have a innate sensuality and eroticism to a
freedom than ever before. This may satisfying sex life, and to take charge greater degree in the woman-on-top
partly be due to the availability of of their bodies in order to do so. sexual positions than when the man
A Teasing Squeeze
T When the woman is making love to her partner from the on-top position, she
can lean towards him for full sensual skin-to-skin contact, lowering her body to
cover his. She can kiss and stroke him, while at the same time, moving her pelvis
from side to side or back and forth to rub her vulva against his pubic
bone. If his thighs are between her legs,
she can squeeze them gently between
her own to create an extra teasing
Expressing Our Sexuality
takes the active role. She has more tion is possib le with many of these and visually arousing for him to
freedom of movement, is less positions, particularly when she is watch his woman express her sexual -
burdened by weight, and can gain the squatting over her man, yet at the ity so powetfully, he can enjoy relax-
maximum stimu lation for otgasmic same time, she is better able to ing into the more passive side of his
excitation. control the depth according to what own sexual nature.
Most of the positions ill ustrated in fee ls comfortable. Coup les can use the woman -on -
this section not only allow a woman For the man, having a partner on top position for the whole duration
to enjoy the pleasure of taking her top and in charge of the movements of a lovemaking episode, or incorpo-
lover's penis inside her vagina, but can come as a great relief, especially rate it into any number of other
also the choice of movements if he is fatigued or would like some exciting sexual manoeuvres. A
whereby het vulva and c1itotis teceive respite from the role of main change of positions should be made
adequate friction too. Deep penetra- performer. Not only is it erotically gracefully, slowing down the pace of
Sensual Stimulation
~ Many women enjoy the possibility
of extending sensual play into love-
making, and this position allows them
to continue giving erotic stimulation
to different parts of the man's body.
Even while they are making love, she
can kiss and lick her way down his
body, tuming him on to even greater
heights of arousal. Flicking her tongue
across his nipples and then blowing
gently on them with her warm breath
will drive him wild. If she is only
moving her pelvis slightly at this point,
she can contract her vaginal muscles
around his penis to exert an extremely
pleasurable p ressure on it, as well as
increasing her own genital sensations.
47
Basic Techniques
Pelvic Gyrations
.... Intense genital stimulation can be
achieved once the woman lifts her
body away from her partner and
begins to gyrate her pelvis in varying
motions to gain maximum vaginal
and clitoral stimulation. While the
contact between the lovers' bodies
becomes less intimate, the arousal
grows stronger as they both let go
into their own waves of pleasure and
movement. She can sway her body
from side to side so that his erect
penis strokes every part of her vaginal
Clitoral Stimulation feeling she is being tuned up like a wall, and she can rub her vulva
Many women complain that men car before a motor race. against his pubic bone for extra
either ignore the clitoris, concentrat- It is important for the woman to pressure on her clitoris. While the
ing too much on vaginal thrusting, or continue receiving clitoral stimula- man's movements are more restricted
they zone in too much on the clitoris, tion throughout intercourse and in this position, he can wiggle his
to the exclusion of the rest of the during orgasm. This can be achieved pelvis to increase the effect, or use
body. This looks like a no-win situa- by positions, which either partner his feet to lever his lower body up
tion for the man. Happily, there is a can take, that give the woman free- and down to add some deep
way he can give her the clitoral stim- dom of movement and allow her thrusting motions. He should also use
ulation she needs, and without her vulva to press against the man's his hands to stroke and caress her.
48
Expressing Our Sexuality
49
Basic Techniques
Most women would probably say to her whole body, reaching out to signals, slowing down the pace of her
that they want all the tender, erotic touch and caress her because he is movements, or even staying still,
touching and caressing of sensual able to relinquish the tension of being until the excitement level has
play to continue after penetration, the main performer. Yet at the same subsided sufficiently to allow sexual
plus the right amount of clitoral stim- time, a woman needs to carry the activity to contin ue.
ulation - and they want their love- same awareness that she expects However, men who are prone to
making to be exciting, yet relaxed from her man when he is the domi- premature or early ejaculation can
and spontaneous too. nant sexual partner. Just like a benefit from having their partner
They do not want to feel that they woman, a man does not want to feel take the top position since it is likely
are being programmed for an orgasm that his body is being used purely for to create less intense stimu lation to
by excessive mechanical stimulation, sexual gratification, as if it is some- the penis and can slow down the
or that their total sensuality is being how separate from his whole person. ejaculatory process.
n~glected. If both want to enjoy a prolonged
session of lovemaking, she needs to Sensate Exercise
Ecstatic Moments be in tune with his sexual responses, As the woman rides her man, she can
When a woman feels confident so that the stimulation he is receiving begin to move slowly up and down
enough to take the more active does not propel him too quickly to on his penis, lowering herself so it
sexual role, she can really let go into his orgasm threshold. For a man, penetrates deep into her vagina, and
her orgasmic sexual energy. Suddenly there is a certain point of no return, then raising herself so she is barely
her whole body is free, and she can when he no longer has control over containing its tip. Closing her eyes,
move, turn and sway so that the the process of ejaculation. The she should then try to merge herself
waves of pleasure can rush through woman should remain alert to his entirely into each sensation, letting
every part of her. If she has a partner
who relishes her ecstatic expression, Slow the Pace
the experience can be intensely erotic ~ Even at the height of ecstasy, it is wonderful to slow down the pace of
for them both. action to simply feel the sensations which are arising like pulsing waves in the
If she is truly uninhibited, she may body. The woman can brace her back, clasping the man's legs behind her and
even shout and screa m, moan, or then breathe deeply together with her lover. In this position, the penis will be
even cry and laugh in turns, and all exerting its pressure onto the front wall of her vagina to add increased
of this can be very exciting to a man stimulation to her G-spot.
who is not afraid to see powerful
female sexual energy unleashed. Or
she may want to move in a very soft
and sensual way, stroking and kiss-
ing her man, teasing him with playful
and arousing movements, and touch-
ing his heart deeply with her gentle
and nurturing femininity.
Taking Charge
One of the advantages for the
woman when she assumes the on-top
position is that she can take control
of the movements to satisfy her needs
in all the previously mentioned ways.
Also, when a man is in the passive
role, he is likely to be more attentive
50
Vary the Movements
... Lowering herself back gently, the
woman can arch and extend the
whole trunk of her body as she leans
against the support of her partner's
raised thighs, and takes her own
weight into her arms. With the
pressure of his penis against the front
wall of her vagina, she can rock back
and forth with tiny movements to
stimulate this highly erogenous zone.
She is now exposing her vulva to her
lover, and he can lovingly caress this Opening Up to the Pleasure
intimate area, and her thighs. ... If she is supple enough she can lean right back into this almost yogic posture
where her head rests on the mattress by her lover's feet, and her arms are
spread-eagled so that the front of her body is completely open and extended.
This will enable her to breathe very deeply so her whole body becomes infused
with vitality. She is now in a perfect position for her lover to touch and caress
her belly and thighs, before stroking and rubbing
her clitoris and labia to give her immense delight
and possibly bring her to orgasm.
Moments of Merging
.... Between the waves of high energy activity
and rapturous movement, it is always wonderful
to rest awhile in a position that brings you both
back to a sense of merging and melting with
each other. The man will be happy to enfold his
partner again in his arms, drawing the softness
of her body close to his. These are the precious
moments of stillness and silence in lovemaking,
where both people can breathe together in
harmony, connecting deeply through their love
and intimacy for each other.
51
Basic Techniques
Feeling Confident
There are some women who simply
do not feel comfortable about taking
the sexual initiative or adopting the
superior position while making love.
There can be all kinds of reasons for
this and no one should feel forced
into doing something which makes
them feel ill at ease.
If it is simply embarrassment, it is
worth gathering the confidence to
give it a try, and almost certain ly the
male partner will love the new varia-
tion and the chance to lie back and heavy to climb on top of her man. A balanced diet, containing lots of
enjoy. If, however, the man insists on Most women make critica l judge- fruit, vegetables and grains will give
always taking the dominant sexual ments about their bodies, bur more you vita lity and energy and help you
role, this may be a symptom of a often than not these views are not to stabilize your weight. Exercise will
deeper problem within the relation- shared by their partners. strengthen your muscles, giving you
ship. No woman should allow herself Feeling good about your body is extra power for some of the more
to feel sexually repressed, and if she more to do with your self-regard exciting sexual manoeuvres. Toning
feels that she is, the couple may bene- than your actual weight. You can be up your abdomen, buttocks and
fit from talking the issues over care- big and beautiful or thin and beauti- thighs will not on ly make you feel
fully, or seeking advice from a ful, if you are truly in touch with good, but add to your agility and
relationship counsellor. your inner beauty. However, if your suppleness and ability to accomplish
A woman may be reluctant to concerns about your body image are an exciting range of sexua l positions.
assume the on-top position because actually interfering with your sexual Working on your pelvic floor exer-
of a sense of low self-esteem regard - relationship, and stopping you from cises will benefit your vaginal muscle
ing her body. Perhaps she is shy to expressing yourself to your full contro l to the delight of you and
expose it so boldly to her partner, or potential, then it is worth doing your man, and may increase the
maybe she feels overweight and too something about it. intensity of your orgasm.
52
Expressing Our Sexuality
Visual Variations
~ While many women may be shy of exposing their
buttocks and thighs so prominently to their partners, both
sexes can find this variation of the woman-on-top position
with her back towards the man a very exciting part of their
love play. A man, in particular may be very visually
stimulated by looking at his partner's buttocks, especially if
she is kneeling and leaning forward so it is on display.
Gentle stimulation on her anal area with his fingers can
also increase her sexual arousal, though for hygiene
reasons the fingers should not then be transferred to her
vagina until the hands are washed. The woman 's
movements can become quite active in this
position, as she lifts and lowers herself on the penis,
_ - - . . , 0"'-
or she can tantalizingly raise herself so the lower
end of her vagina clasps just the tip of the man 's
penis, to make small but deliciously sensual and
erotically exciting motions.
53
Basic Techniques
Sitting Positions
Sitting positions a llow the man and
the woman to fee l equ ally involved
in their lovem aking, a nd ca n add a
co mpl ~ tel y different emotion a l and
phys ical d imensio n to th eir sex ua l
life. Th e p os iti o n itse lf d oes nOt
allow fo r a great dea l of movement,
and is more often used in between
o th er ma no eu vres, o r when th e
couple needs to find a more restful
connection during interco urse. Yet it
can create a very profound feeling of
intimacy and bonding between both
peo ple, allowing them to have close
eye and body contact. Holding each
other, and breathing together, can be
e motionally fulf illin g. It can a lso
t ra nsform th e exci te ment a nd
passion o f lo ve makin g into some-
thing transcendenta l: a shared expe-
rience with a more meditative qualiry
of deep merging and union of mind ,
body and spirit.
54
Expressing Our Sexuality
Intimate Exchange
~ The closeness of the bodies, and the feeling of freedom and ease in the back
and spine, can make the sitting position in lovemaking one of great intimacy
and pleasure. It is a sexual posture which can feel erotically different from most
others, and is best used in moments of deep emotional and sensual exchange.
Neither partner is playing a dominant role, as both people are assuming a
vertical posture. The woman kneels or squats astride her partner's thighs, and
therefore, penetration can become very deep.
Synchronized Sexuality
~ While making love in the sitting
position, more movement can be
attained if the couple separate their
bodies, leaning back and supporting
their own weight on their arms and
hands. The woman can use the
strength in her leg muscles to lever
herself up and down on the shaft of
the penis, and the man can thrust
into her. Movements should
synchronize, or be made by one or
the other partner. The more
separated position of the bodies also
enables the man to stimulate the
woman's clitoris with his fingers.
Resolving
Harmoniously
~ The intimacy and
equality of the sitting
positions make them
some of the most
satisfying and
pleasurable in the
repertoire. Such
harmonious lovemaking
can draw the man and
woman into a deep
sense of joyful union,
which can be
beautifully resolved and
reinforced by sinking
back gently into each
other's arms and lying
quietly together in
blissful repose.
55
Orgasm
Orgasm is the culmination of lovemaking - the sweet release of powerful sensations which are
discharged when sexual arousal has reached its peak. For both the man and the woman, it can be
a most exquisite and joyful physical experience. Orgasm need not be just a genital affair - a
pleasurable release of pent-up sexual tension from the pelvic region. It is possible for the whole
body to surrender to the pulsating waves of orgasmic energy.
Orgasm is not just a physical process
- it is a holistic experience. It can
encompass the whole spectrum of
what it means to be a human being -
involving also our love, our emotions
and our spiritual nature.
It would be wrong, however, to
assume that every orgasm should
leave you feeling as if "the earth
shook". There will be many occasions
when the moments of climax and
ejacu lation will feel more like tender
seconds of release, or gentle vibra-
tions in the sexual organs. For the
orgasm will largely reflect your mood
at the time, whether you are tired, or
under stress, or in tune with your
partner. Sometimes it can even be a
real source of disappointment, a feel-
ing of being a bit let down. Honesty,
exploration and experimentation will
help most couples to improve their
orgasmic ability and to find a greater
compatibility in their lovemak ing.
Most of all, do nOt let orgasm
become an obsession in your love-
making. Setting it as the goal of inter-
course can create tensions in body
and mind, detracting from the joy of
the moment and actually interfering
with the orgasmic process. Orgasm
can be the cherry on the cake, but the
A Melting Moment
~ Both the man and the woman can
feel as if they are melting and merging
and letting go into something that is
greater than themselves. For some
moments the individual ego is
dissolved, and for this reason orgasm
has often been described as a
potentially transforming experience.
56
Orgasm
Orgasmic Variety
It is nor necessary to have penetrative
sex in order to have an orgasm. It can
be attained from self-masturbation,
mutual masturbation, and oral sex.
Sometimes, during intercourse, a
co~ple may choose to switch to oral
sex to complete the orgasmic experi-
ence. A man who is concerned that he
might not sustain his erection, or that
he might ejaculate too soon, may even
perform cunnilingus so that his part-
ner has an orgasm before he enters Seek New Heights
her. So orgasm is very versatile and • Become more sensual and relaxed with each other so your bodies begin to
can be adapted to the mood of the resonate together. Try different positions for making love to see which ones can
individual or the lovers concerned. bring you to greater heights of arousal.
Varying Orgasm
• There are times when a man may choose not to
ejaculate into his partner's vagina. Maybe penetrative sex
Self-Discovery is unwise because of a current infection, or there is a risk
• Quite often, self-masturbation is recommended as an of pregnancy, or perhaps the couple want to add a little
exercise for people who are experiencing difficulty in variety to their repertoire. In such cases the man can reach
obtaining an orgasm with a sexual partner. By bringing his orgasm threshold and then ejaculate onto his partner's
yourself to orgasm, you can learn exactly what kind of belly, or even between the warm soft mounds of her
stimulation you enjoy and also become more relaxed with breasts. (It goes-without saying that he should only do this
your own sexual organs and bodily responses. with her consent.)
57
Basic Techniques
S8
Orgasm
has r~ached the orgasm peak in what At ejaculation, intense rhythmic Female Physical
has been termed "the point of no contractions of the urethral bulb and Response
return". Ju st before ejac ul a tion , spasms of the pelvic floor muscles Women do nOt always have an
rhythmic contrac tion s of mu scles pump the semen through the penis, orgasm, even though they may have
arou nd the prostate gland, the semi- where it spurts Out at the tip. These attained a high level of arousal
nal vesicles, and the epididymides, ejacu latory contractions follow each during the excitement and plateau
push sem in a l fluids and sper m into other in rap id succession. Initi ally stage, and there can be a number of
the base of the urethra - the urethral th ey ca n be very powerful, though reasons for this. Some women may
bulb - where they mix together. At they progressively decrease In not reach orgasm at all during love-
this stage, the man's testicles are fully strength. At the same time the man making, or during a particular
elevated and the opening between his experiences the intensely pleasurable episode of sexua l activity, but this
urethra and bladder closes. sensations of orgasm. does not necessarily detract from the
pleasure they have experienced
Extra Stimulation during the orher stages of inrer-
~ If a man ejaculates prior to the woman's climax, and so loses his erection, course, and they may fee l sexually
she cannot reach orgasm unless additional stimulation is provided, either by him fulfilled just the same. In addition, a
or by herself. This can be achieved by the man performing cunnilingus, or woman can be more easily
manual stimulation of her clitoris. Alternatively, he can kiss, stroke and lick her disrracted by her thoughts or
body and breasts, while she masturbates herself to orgasm. concerns at this stage, in which case
59
Basic Techniques
Losing Control
~ During this time, the woman loses
voluntary control over her muscles, so
her face may spasm, and even her
fingers and toes can curl. Often in
the moments of climax, a woman will
cry out or scream, and even dig her
fingernails into her partner's back.
Faking Orgasms
It is worth mentioning here that
many women feel obliged to fake
orgasms, leading their partner to
mistakenly believe they have reached
a climax. Sometimes a woman will
do this to finish a lovemaking session
even the effort of trying to reach an throbbing sensation in her vagina and because she is bored or tired and her
orgasm can be counter-productive. the muscles in her pelvic region. partner's efforts to please her are
Most women do not reach orgasm When this tension reaches its peak, putting her under an unnecessary
through vaginal friction alone, and it gives way to powerful rhyrhmic pressure. Perhaps her arousal level
need more direct clitoral stimulation contractions which can occur in the has dipped, and her vaginal juices
during intercourse, either by skilfully lower portion of the vagina, the have dried, so the prolonged inter-
applied pressure from the man's pubic uterus, and around the anus . For course is making her sore. For what-
bone, by her own movements, or by many women, these waves of sensa- ever reason, a woman may then fake
additional oral or manual stimulation. rion can pulsate through their whole an orgasm to please her partner and
When the conditions are right for body. The first contracrions are the to soothe his sexua l ego. .
the woman to have an orgasm, she strongest, but they may be followed Many women, for all sorts of
may begin to feel it as an intense sensa- by a series of milder pulsations - reasons, find it very difficult to be
tion of warmth spreading from her rather like the aftershocks that often truthful in these sensitive moments.
clitoris throughout her body, and a follow an earthquake. In such situations, the faked orgasm
60
Orgasm
Multiple Orgasms
As the resolution, or recovery, phase
in females ca n be very shorr - just a
few seconds in some cases - some
women are capable of attaining multi-
ple orgasms one after another during
sex. This is not possible for men
because the male recovery phase takes
anything from several minutes to
many hours . H owever, there are many
women who feel satiated after reach- woman's orgasmic nature has been Prolonging the Plateau
ing one orgasm and, lik e men, will fully acknowledged by Western scien- • If the man is able to prolong the
temporarily lose interest in continuing tists and doctors. plateau phase of lovemaking -
intercourse, although their arousal However, the hype over multiple delaying or abstaining from his own
may return sooner. orgasms can cause problems by creat- orgasm - the woman may be able to
There has been a considerable ing tensions for men and women. A have one climax after another. This
amount of discussion in the media man may feel he is a failure as a capacity for multiple orgasms differs
about a woman's multi-orgasmic sexual performer if his partner fails from one woman to the next.
capacity. In o ne way this is useful to ac hi eve a certain quota of
information, for it alerts both men orgasms, while the woman may sexual potential, but ultimately their
and women to the fact that female believe there is something lacking in orgasmic capacity should be
sexua liry is powerful and profound. her for being unable to climax over measured in terms of quality rather
It is worth bearing in mind that it has and over again. Every loving couple than quantity, just like every other
only been in the last 50 years th at a can benefit from exploring their full aspect of lovemaking.
61
Basic Techniques
The G-Spot Stimulating the G-spot also deny the existence of the
We now know that the clitoris is the ~ The G-spot can be stimulated by woman's G-spot. However, there is
most erotically sensitive part of a lovemaking positions in which the evidence to suggest that, in some
woman's body and that it plays a man's penis rubs against the front women at least, this orgasm-trigger-
fundamental part in her orgasmic wall of the vagina, provided he can ing nerve bundle really does exist. It is
process. However, in recent years maintain this action for some time. In definitely worth exploring.
there has been much debate about the the position shown here, the woman
woman 's G-spot, so called after its leans back to allow the penis to press Simultaneous Orgasms
discovery by the German gynaecolo- firmly against her G-spot. When a man and a woman have
gist Ernst Grafenberg. Pressure on the orgasms simultaneously it can be a
G-spor, which is a complex of nerve peak experience in making love, but
endings located on the front wall of it is not absolutely necessary for a
the vagina, is said to induce a particu- satisfying sexual life. Most couples
larly intense form of vaginal orgasm. can have an extremely happy sexual
Grafenberg's studies went even relationship without ever achieving
further, stating that when the G-spot simultaneous orgasms.
is adequately stimulated the urethra If the man should happen to
ejaculates a clear fluid which has "no ejaculate first, he can continue to
urinary character". This exciting stimulate his partner to reach her
discovery has been refured by other climax with oral or manual tech-
doctors and scientists, who continue niques. Alternatively, if the woman
to believe that the fluid is. indistin- orgasms before the man, she is
guishable from urine. Many doctors usually physically able to continue
intercourse and can then devote
Locating the G-spot herself to his pleasure. She may even
• You can gently probe your own climax again if she is multi-orgasmic.
vagina, to see if your finger pressure Simultaneous orgasms can happen
can find the magic spot, or you can when the couple are in harmony with
ask your partner to do it for you. The each other'S arousal signals. They
G-spot is said to be located on the may intuitively know when to
front wall of the vagina 5-7.5cml hold back and when to go forward,
2-3in from the vaginal entrance . slowing down if one or the other is
62
Orgasm
dangerously c lose to the orgasm both the man and the woman, the the form of cuddling, touching, and
threshold. Talking to eac h other body now returns to its normal pre- talking. Th is fundamental difference
whi le making love ca n add an excit- aro usa l state. In a man, the immedi- in the male and female response in
ing dimension of shared intimacy, so ate stage after ejacu lation is termed the moments immediately after
do not be shy to tell your partner you the refractory period, and it is impos- making love can create real problems
need to take it easy, or that you need sible for him to resume sexua l activ- in a relationship. Quite clearly, both
more stimu lation, or request that he ity a t this time. The length of time have needs which must be met.
or she" hold on a second". Say these the phase lasts varies greatly from If a man consistently "turns off"
things seductively; you do not want one man to anothe r, but in mOSt after orgasm, his partner is likely to
to make them sound like an order. cases it increases wi th age. construe his actions as a sign that he
After a w hil e, these verbal signals Most men feel depleted after does not care about her. His behav-
will become part of you r love-play. orgasm and need a period of time to iour may render the whole sexual
recover, often wanting to withdraw experience null and void for her and
Resolution into themselves, o r go to sleep. she may feel bitterly rejected. For the
Resolution is the final phase of the H owever, a post-orgasmic woman man, his need to rest may be para -
sexua l cycle of response, as defined can often remain in a state of sexual mount, and in fearing that he cannot
by Masters and Johnson. H ere, for excitement after climaxing and may meet his partner's demands he ma y
want the love making to continue. As cut off ftom her even more.
Enjoy the Intimacy explained, a woman is often capable If after-sex behaviour is disrupting
T During the resolution phase after of going on to achieve more orgasms. the harmony of your love life, it is
orgasm, a couple can lie together in The main difference berween the really worthwhile talking about the
each other's arms, simply enjoying sexes immediately after orgasm is that issue with each other. It is best to try
their close physical presence and the the man is more lik ely to require to understand your partner's needs
intimacy of the moment, allowing peace and quiet, whi le hi s partner and point of view, rather than
themselves to relax deeply. needs intimacy to continue, if only in becoming angry or defensive .
63
Adventurous Lovemaking
There is nothing new about adventurous sexual positions, despite the plethora of advice that is
currently in vogue. Detailed texts and manuscripts on the best ways to achieve sexual happiness, and
explicit descriptions of sexual positions and practices, have appeared in many ancient cultures,
including India, China and the Middle East. Some of these texts dealt with the pursuit of sensual
and erotic pleasure, others were medically informed scripts to help couples achieve sexual health and
happiness, and some referred to sexo-yogic practices through which men and women could attain a
higher spiritual state of consciousness.
64
II
Adventurous Lovemaking
65
Adventurous Sex Techniques
Deep Penetration
Some of the more adventurous sexual
positions often rely on the man being
considerably more active than his
female ,partner, and taking almost
complete charge of the movements of
intercourse. The positions shown on
these pages all require the legs of the
passive partner to be held upright or
pushed back tOwards the body, and
are mostly variations of the man-on-
tOp position, although the last illus-
tration shown here shows how to
Total Surrender
~ For deep vaginal penetration, the
woman can draw her legs right back
into her body, and bend her knees to
rest the heels of her feet against his
shoulders, The man can then.lean
into her, pushing her legs even
further back, while supporting his
weight with his arms and thrusting
his pelvis freely. Again, the woman is
able to move very little in this
position, but can enjoy surrendering
to the thrusting sensations. For easier
penetration into the vagina, he can
raise her hips by placing a pillow
beneath her buttocks,
66
Adventurous Lovemaking
reverse the roles so that the man The pleasures to be derived from may enjoy the feelings of surrender
assumes the more passive and tradi- these positions are that they add vari- and "helplessness" that can accom-
tionally feminine posture of drawing ety, th ey a ll ow deep penetration, pany these positions, and to gain the
back the legs. which can be very arousing to both maximum pleasure from them, she
When the woman takes this partners, and the man is able to should totally relax her body and
passive position, s he needs to be express his strength and potency and yield herself completely to her part-
supple in her joints and limbs to thrust hi s pelvis free ly. The woman ner's thrusts.
remain co mfortable, and it is advis-
able for the man not to keep her in
this pose for too long. It is best used
as an interesting variant to other
movements which a llow the woman
greater flexibility of motion. Also,
because her vulva is not in direct
co ntact with his body, the woman is
unlikely to gain direct clitoral stimu-
lation from this position and so it is
unlikely to lead her to o rgasm, which
is another good reason for the man
not to pursue it for roo long.
However, he can stimu late her
clitoris with his hand , and caress her
body while using this more adventur-
ous lovemaking position, but this
should be done on ly in a loving and Position of Power
sensua l way. Most women dislike the ... The woman's body becomes even more compact if she draws her knees
fee lin g of being fiddled with in a towards her breasts and places the soles of her feet comfortably onto the man's
mechanical way, and prefer arousal chest. This position provides little clitoral stimulation as her vulva is lifted away
to come from a natural, flowing from her partner and her movements are limited. However, she may find the
sequence of movements. powerful surge of her partner's thrusts very thrilling and be content to submit
to a passive role. While the man can enjoy feelings of power and strength as he
makes love to his partner like this, he needs to be careful not to penetrate her
so deeply or vigorously that he is hurting her cervix. If, in this position, he stops
thrusting for a while and leans his body back a little, he can apply an exciting
pressure from his erect penis to the woman's G-spot.
Role-Reversal
~ This position offers a fun and unusual opportunity for role-reversal. Here, the
man lies on his back with his knees drawn up and his legs raised so that he is
assuming a position ,viewed more typically as a female one. The woman lowers
herself onto his penis carefully, making sure its angle is right and that she does
hot bend it awkwardly by moving too quickly. She squats, so the backs of her
thighs rest against the backs of his, but she supports her weight on her feet,
and uses her legs as leverage to move up and down, or she can wiggle her hips
from side to side.' Only a supple man will be able to maintain this position for
long, but it will certainly help him to understand a woman's perspective of the
submissive role.
67
Adventurous Sex Techniques
Sexual Surrender
~ While a woman may like to play an active and equal role in
lovemaking, she may also love those moments when her
partner takes charge and she can surrender to his masculine
power. When her arms have stretched out above her head, he
can bind her hands together with one of his own. With the
other hand, he can hold her buttocks, or raise one hip
towards his body, so he can alter the angle of his thrusts. This
allows his penis to also stroke along the sides of the vaginal
walls to stimulate them.
68
Adventurous Lovemaking
Rear-Entry Lovemaking
Rear-entry lovemaking means the
man inserts hi s penis into the
woman's vagina from a position
behind his parmer's body. It is more
commonly known as the "doggie
position", so-ca ll ed because this is
the basic sexual position that is
commo n to most an im a ls, including
dogs . Some women find the rather
Rear-Entry Sex
• If the woman kneels on the floor and lays the upper half
of her body across the bed, she can position herself
comfortably for rear-entry sex, especially if she pads her
chest with a cushion. The man then kneels behind her, so
the floor gives him some solid support for his movements. If
the woman enjoys making love in the "doggie position", she
may be aroused by the slightly dominating aspect of her
partner and by her own more submissive stance. Although
they are not face to face, the man can be very intimate with
her body, and can stroke her hair, back, and buttocks easily.
He can also lift her away from the bed slightly to fondle her
breasts, caress her belly, or to stimulate her vulva and clitoris
with his fingers while making his thrusting movements.
Armchair Sex
~ An armchair lends itself very well to rear-entry
lovemaking, if the furniture is deep enough to take both
partners onto its seat. She can lean her body against the
padded support of the back of the chair and avoid any
feeling of collapsing forward under the pressure of his
thrusts. The man can then kneel behind her and, as she
leans forward, enter her vagina from the rear position. He
can use his hands to stroke and caress her erogenous
zones, or to pull her hips closer to him.
bestial connotations of this posture tions, and it is potentially very sexu- take care not to penetrate her too
to be demeaning, and do not enjoy a ll y satisfying to both partners deeply or vigorously in this situation.
making love with their backs turned because it a ll ows for deep vaginal A pregnant woman, or any
to their partners, or to have their penetration. This position has been woman, can make herself more
buttocks so exposed. Other women recommended by some fertility comfortable in this position by kneel-
find rear-entry intercourse very excit- specialists for couple who are trying ing, head-down, on the bed with her
ing, and enjoy the rather primitive to conceive a baby because it assists back to the man, and padding her
nature of its stance, and the feeling of the sperm to pool near the mouth of belly and chest with pillows.
surrender that it engenders. the cervix. It can a lso be a comfort- A bonus for the man is that it
Rear-entry lovemaking can be able position for a pregnant woman provides an ample view of the
enjoyed as a variation to other posi- to adopt, although the man must woman's buttocks, and this can be a
69
Adventurous Sex Techniques
powerfully arousing visual stimulus However, the buttocks are a highly direct clitoral stimulation, but this
for him . For some women, however, erogenous zone in both sexes, and can be rectified by thl! man caressing
the idea of revealing rheir buttocks respond erotically to stroking, her vulva whi le he thrusts, or by her
so prominently may cause anxiety, squeezing, patting, and even sttonger own self-stimulating sttokes. If she is
especially if rhey are concerned forms of manua l stimulation. In this thus p leasured, both partners can
about ' their weight or body image. position the woman receives no reach an orgasm in this position.
Seat of Pleasure
.A This is another creative way of
enjoying rear-entry sex in the comfort
of the armchair. The woman starts by A Fun Variation
kneeling astride her partner's lap but .A Anatomically, it is obviously not possible for the "doggie position" to be
with her back tumed to him, and reversed for penetrative sex. The couple, however, can enjoy other thrilling
then carefully guides his penis into sexual sensations by having the man take the usual female position for rear-entry
her vagina . Once the penis is fully sex. First of all, he can be aroused by assuming the more submissive stance,
erect, she can then lean forward while experiencing the sensual feel of his partner's breasts and belly moving
slowly and support herself by placing against his back. He can wiggle his hips to rub himself against the edge of the
her hands on the floor. The man 's bed, while the woman can use her hands to squeeze and pat his buttocks, or
movements are limited, but he can stroke and fondle his testicles or the erotically sensitive tip of his penis.
lift her hips up and down with his
hands to create more friction, and
the woman can also wiggle sexily Active Sitting Positions the bed can be utilized to make it
from side to side to increase the The sitting position for lovemaking is more comfortable for posture and
arousal for them both. popular for its particular abi lity to movements. The following examples
enhance a meditative sexual mood . It show the many diverse ways to adapt
can be used while the coup le remain this particularly sensual and relaxed
on the bed, or chairs or the edge of fo rm of making love.
70
Adventurous Lovemaking
Bodies in Harmony
... Making love like this can become
very still and meditative, and the
couple can sometimes just hold each
other closely, harmonizing their
breathing and even allowing their
bodies to rock and sway gently
together, but without excitement.
During these quieter moments of
lovemaking, if the man 's penis
becomes softer, the woman can
Varying the Action tighten her thighs or her vaginal
.. The woman is the more active partner in this chair-sitting position. She can muscles to create just enough
brace herself against her partner as she hugs him, while rocking her pelvis back pressure and friction to keep it erect.
and forth. Her motions will arouse and stimulate both of them. He can also Intimacy here is much more
place his hands on her hips to raise her up and down to vary the movements. important than excitement.
71
Adventurous Sex Techniques
72
Adventurous Lovemaking
Easing Down
... This position follows on naturally and easily from when
the woman is sitting astride her partner's lap if they are
making love in the sitting position on the bed. She can
slowly relax back onto the bed, using her partner's grip to
ease herself down gracefully, even while his penis is still
erect inside her. Then, with some careful manoeuvring, she
can bring the leg that was lying across his thigh to rest
beneath it. From this comfortable position she can move her
hips from side to side and receive strong clitoral stimulation.
Change of Pace
..... If the man lies back on the bed after his partner has done
so (see illustration above), the couple's position falls into a
cross-shape, and they can engage in a very relaxed form of
lovemaking which will, at the same time, keep them both in
a high state of arousal. By moving their hips around, they
will receive adequate friction to keep them both stimulated,
but they will be able to rest at the same time. When they
are ready to change positions again, the man sits up and
then pulls his partner upwards and they can continue with
other movements.
73
Adventurous Sex Techniques
74
Adventurous Lovemaking
75
Masturbating Each Other
Mutual masturbation enhances the sensuality of foreplay by increasing arousal for either partner
prior to penetration and intercourse, and it is a sure way to get the love juices (lowing. It may also
be enjoyed as a complete and totally fu lfilling sexual act in itself through which lovers can attain
orgasm even without penetrative sex. It is a delightful way to initiate a second round of lovemaking
when both people are sufficiently rested from the first bout, and it can be used to lovingly assist a
partner to complete sexual satisfaction if the other person has climaxed first or is unable to
continue lovemaking.
One of the most important skills in Quick-Release Sex anything in return, except the joy
the art of lovemaking is to learn how T Mutual masturbation can provide gained from his or her pleasure, can
to masturbate your partner properly. fast erotic arousal whether it is part be a very erotic experience.
To do it well is ro know which of a whole lovemaking session or a If your libido is at a low ebb,
touches bring maximum pleasute and separate episode from intercourse. 8y perhaps as a result of tiredness or
to shate in your lover 's delight. masturbating each other to orgasm, stress and you are not in the mood
Mastering the skills of masturbation both of you can receive a satisfying for making love, while your partner
will make you a special and much- release of sexual tension. Mutual is, masturbating your lover can be a
appreciated lover. masturbation while still partly clothed perfect way to answer both of your
Many couples, particularly the can be particularly exciting because it needs . If you have a back injury
young, use masturbation as a way of can recall memories of early sexual which makes movement difficult, or
enjoying each other's bodies before experimentation, and also because you are heavily pregnant, then again
committing themselves to a full the friction of material against the mutual masturbation can provide an
sexual relationship. It provides a safe genitals can be an additional form of extremely sensual alternative to full
I~eans of exploring and becoming stimulation. sexual imercourse.
familiar with each other's sexual In addition to masturbating each
responses as well as enjoying sexual other, either of you can indulge in the
satisfaction without the implications pleasure of self-masturbation with
and tesponsibilities involved in full the othet partner closely involved in
penetrative imercourse. the process. This can be a very erotic
Some people find masturbation experience, as you watch your part-
acceptable but would only allow ner self-pleasure his or her body next
intercourse within the context of a to yours. You participate with
committed relationship or marriage. touches and caresses to increase the
Others may wisely consider the arousal and you can even join in the
consequences of pregnancy or sexu- ighs, moans and changing patterns
ally ttansmitted diseases and prefer of breath as if the sensations are
to abstain from a full sexual relation- being transferred into your body too .
ship, using masturbation as an alter- You can take it in turns to mastur-
native until these issues have been bate eac h other, or you Illay do it
safely resolved. simultaneously while standing, kneel-
Yet mutual masturbation should ing or lying next to your partner so
remain an integral part of any that your bodies begin to vibrate
couple's range of lovemaking tech - together with the mounting tension
niques, for it continues to provide an of your sexual excitement.
erotic enhancement throughout a Many lovers feel that the orgasms
sexual telationship. Arousing and they experience through masturba -
satisfying your partner by s kilful tion provide a quite different sensa-
masturbation without asking for tion than those resulting from
76
Masturbating Each Other
Mutual Pleasuring
'" You can masturbate each other at the
same time. If you are attuned to each
other's responses, it may even be possible
to reach a simultaneous orgasm, or if
not, take it in turns to satisfy one another
sexually. Or you may only want to take
the arousal level so far with your
masturbatory motions before progressing
towards other forms of lovemaking. Lie
close to each other to have skin-to-skin
con tact, but position yourselves
comfortably so that you can easily touch
and stroke each other's genitals.
77
Adventurous Sex Techniques
78
J
Masturbating Each Other
and pressure only as she approaches facial exp ressions and listen to the lation speed up, and does the pres-
her climax. She is more lik e ly to changing patterns of breath and the sure of palm and fingers increase?
lavish her attentio ns on her vulva, so unds he mak es, for these w ill all What happens on the point of ejacu-
and less inclined to try to recreate the give you cues to your partner's physi- lation and orgasm, and immediately
actions of intercourse, though some ca l response a nd arousal patterns afterwards? ln all of these things,
women insert a dildo or sex toy into during masturbation. your partner is your perfect teacher,
the vagina during self-masturbation If yo u are masturbating yourself, but see below for more guidance on
to increase the stimulation . tell your partner exactly what you masturbation techniques specific to
are doing and why a certa in stroke or either sex.
Observing Each Other pressure is g iving you pleasure.
Knowing about the different methods Describe th e sensations as well as you Make It Like Music
employed by men and women during can so your partner can begin to Mutual masturbation, like oral sex, is
self-pleasu ring will help you and your absorb all the nuances of those physi- a way of getting right down to your
partner to become more sensitive to ca l feel ings into his or her own sexual partner's genita ls. Learn to love them
each other's sexua l needs. If you can consciousness. Then, when he or she comp letely so your toucbes convey
overcome yo ur s hyness, you can touches your genita ls in a certain your reverence, awe and pleasure for
watch each other masturbate. If you way, the physical pleasure you are these most intimate parts of your
are observing your partner mastur- receiving can also be transmitted to, lover's body. Become as familiar with
bate, notice everything he or she is and consequently experienced by, them as you would with any other
doing, which parts of the hands are your partner. part of the body. Use your hands and
used, what motions a re emp lo yed Note, especia ll y, what your part- fingers to play on and stroke over
and how the strokes vary at different ner does as he or she approaches your partner's genitals as you would
stages of arousal. Watch your lover's orgasm. Does the friction and stimu- if you were making beautiful music
79
Adventurous Sex Techniques
80
If you both want to prolong the Use Firm Pressure
moment of his orgasm, you can slow ... A mistake that women often make when masturbating their partner is to use
down teasingly and temporarily just only light pressure because they are afraid of hurting him. Most men, however,
before the ejaculatory process begins, prefer a firm strong grip on the penis, and fairly vigorous strokes. He may have
and then start the action a ll over particular preferences on how he likes the pace of masturbation to progress;
again. If yo u do this several times, he whether he likes to start off slowly and then speed up, or enjoys to tease
may feel as if he is going to burst himself towards an orgasm by taking the heat off just before the ejaculatory
with increasing sensation and his process begins and then resume his strokes. He can also show you exactly
orgasm, when you allow it to where the most erogenously sensitive parts of his penis are and which areas
happen, is likely to be very intense. respond most to your touch. By clasping your hand over his while he
Learn to recognize the signs that masturbates, you can learn exactly what brings him the most pleasure.
your partner is about to climax so
you can speed up yo ur strokes, but pubic bone. You should aim to get gently and sttOking the tip of a finger
stOp or s low down once he has her love juices to flow, so remember all atOund them, and then rub your
started to ejaculate. Continu ed stimu- to kiss and caress her whole body, finger back and forth just above the
lation at this point may not be giving loving attention, especially, to clitoris. Your middle finger, pointing
welcome as the tip of the penis her breasts. downwa rds, is the one long enough
becomes extremely sens iti ve a nd Do not zone in right away on her to easily stroke over her clitoris,
further rubbing can even be painful. clitoris, and then rub away madly. If while its tip can gently massage
Hi s pleasure may be increased you do, you will irritate her, and inside her vagina .
during masturbation if you a lso make this delicate organ feel bruised Give to her the pleasure she is able
caress his thighs and belly, stroke and and sore. Also, remember that she to create for herself, applying your
gently palpate his testicles, app ly needs to be well lubri cated when strokes with the motions, pressures,
finger pressure onto his perineum, or you are stimul ati ng her clitoral area. and rhythms you have seen her use.
press o r stroke around hi s anus. Try Use your finger to ge ntl y spread Let her guide you with her pelvic
it and check out his responses. some of her vaginal juices around movements, and her sighs of delight.
and ove r her clitoris. You can also Build up your pressure slowly and
Masturbating The use a littl e saliva or a drop of KY remember, if she climaxes, to sustain
Female Partner jelly as a lubricant, but most excit- it for the duration of her orgasmic
Start by stroking, gently rotating and ing wou Id be to moisten her with contractions. If the rhythm is wrong
vibrating the flat of one hand over your tongue. or pressure is reduced during these
the whole of her vulva, applying Softly but deftly exp lore her vulva precious moments, you can interrupt
some pressure from its heel onto her with your finger, parting its lip s the full intensity of her orgasm.
81
Sharing Sexual Fantasies
Sexual fantasies are common to many people and provide a rich resource of aphrodisiac material
which contributes towards their heightened sexual arousal, either during masturbation or
intercourse. These fantasies can be extremely diverse, even bizarre by real-life standards, but very
erotically imaginative. Whether the content of someone's sexual fantasy is lurid or mild, it is deeply
personal to that individual's sexual psyche and private world of erotic imagery.
Some people have a consistent theme indicate that a person has masochis- images to enhance and enrich their
to their fantasies, other people change tic tendencies. The fantasizer is sex lives and sexual responses. Their
the material, adding new detail, new always in control of events within the fantasies seem to have a life of their
scenarios and different characters to fantasy, because he or she is the own, emerging and existing within a
their fertile sexual imagery. Studies creator of those images and can care- vivid arena of sexual imagination.
show, however, that thete are certain fully manipulate them to bring about Some people, however, may feel guilt
common patterns of imagination the desired result: that of increased and anxiety associated with them,
prevalent in people's fantasies, such sexual response and orgasm. This feating that the erotic and extra-
as themes of domination, submission, scenario is totally different from a ordinary content of their mentally
being forced into sex against their real-life event, during which a person created eroticism reflects a deep inner
will, making love to a stranger, an ex- would have absolutely no control psychological disturbance. This anxi-
lover or a favourite film star, or being over an incident involving aggressive ety may be compounded when the
watched while having intercourse. behaviour resulting in forced sex, and fantasies contain material which is
Sex researchers believe that for from which they would derive no strongly in contrast to their normal
many people fantasies are formed in sexual pleasure at all. moral values and sexual behaviour.
substance from their earliest associa- Many people love their sexual Members of both sexes may have
tions with sexual feelings, while fantasy world, using these mental sexual fantasies, although some
others are constantly updating their
erotic imagery to reflect the changing A View to a Thrill
circumstances of their lives. Fantasies T Making love in the doggie position in front of a mirror can give you both a
based on primal experiences can good view of your sexual activity, including the excitement of watching your
explain why, for some people, themes expressions while becoming aroused, and being able to witness your
such as spanking, or other punish - movements. As the man, you are also able to see your partner's breasts in the
ment from an authority figure can mirror as you fondle them from this rear position.
feature so strongly.
In another circumstance, a fantasy
involving forced sexual compliance,
such as a rape scene, may be jusr a
creative way of permitting intense
feelings of sexual arousal without
having the burden of guilt. In the
imagination, that person has no
control over what is happening and
therefore carries no responsibility for
the ensuing erotic feelings.
It is important to realize, however,
thar fantasies involving forced sex,
however descriptive on an imagina-
tive level, will bear little relation to
an individual's real-life behaviour or
desires, and so do not necessarily
82
Sharing Sexual Fantasies
Images of Passion
... Watching each other masturbate is
another highly erotic way to use the
mirror. You can sit beside your
partner, stroking her and touching her
body and breasts, while being able to
see exactly how she likes to arouse
herself The mirror will provide a very
clear view of her vulva and the way
she stimulates her clitoris.
people do not have them at all, and and do stay within the realm of content which would probably be
cannot see any value in this mental privacy. They may feel that once a viewed as unthreatening and fun by
erotic resource. Such couples may fantasy has been verbalized or shared both partners. Other fantasy games,
regard fantasy as a menta l distraction it loses much of its power and impact. such as domination and bondage, or
which will prevent a truly sponta- Other couples discuss their even cross-dressing, would need to be
neous interaction between the lovers fantasies with each other, and even revealed or acted on only when a
- a flight into cerebra l sex rather describe them openly during lovemak- relationship is strong enough to with-
than an ecstatic surrender to the ing to increase mutual sexual excite- stand their impact.
physical sensations of the body. ment. Some people even feel safe No one should ever try to impose
Most sex experts agree rhat sexual enough within their relationship to act a private sexual fantasy on another
fantasizing is normal behaviour, and our their fantasies with each other. person, or coerce them into acting it
can be an important and useful way Not every person is able to under- out against their will. However, as a
for people to explore their capacity stand or tolerate the erotic imagery loving couple, if you can enjoy shar-
for sexual arousal and response, that may be part of a partner's sexual ing each other's fantasy world in a
either during masturbation or love- consciousness. You need to know context of trust and mutual explo-
making. Sex therapy can help, and trust your partner's ability to ration, then your erotic imagination
however, if sexual fantasizing has handle this information before can add a new and exciting dimen-
become disturbing to an individual, revealing your fantasies, or discretion sion to your love-life.
or is having a serious adverse effect may be a wiser course of action.
on a sexual relationship. Your partner may be less than Mirror Fantasies
A sex counsellor or therapist will thrilled to know that during love- Some people like to use mirrors when
talk over the issues with the person making you have been fantasizing they ma,ke love beca use the thrill of
concerned, helping the client to change abour having sex with your favourite watching themselves in different
the undesirable and habitual pattern- film star or a stranger. sexual positions increases the excite-
ing of his or her erotic thoughts, or If fantasy is not part of your part- ment of intercourse. It adds a
enabling them to accept and integrate ner's sexual agenda, then he or she voyeuristic element to their lovemak-
it into the context of a loving and may have no comprehension of your ing because they can actually see
fulfilling sexua l relationship. need for it and may even regard it as a themselves making love, as well as
petsonal rejection. In that case, it may watching their partner's body from a
Sharing Sexual Fantasies be better just to enjoy your fantasies different vantage point.
Many people who enjoy using sexual as your own private creation. When a mirror is strategically
fantasy to induce sexual arousal or This section explores some of the placed, the couple can see the more
orgasm would never consider reveal - sexual fantasies which can be shared erotic and intimate parts of the body
ing the content of these mental and played out between couples. in action, such as the vulva, the scro-
images to anyone else, not even a Some of them are mild and teasing tum, and particularly the buttocks and
partner. For them, the fantasies must and generally involve a playful anus, and they can even witness the
83
AdlJenturous Sex Techniques
process of penetration and thrusting. If you do a strip-tease then you arouse and play with him, showing
It can seem as if you are watching mUSt be the one who is in charge of yourself off little by little, promising
yourself and your lover acting the part your sexual exhibitionism, and hints of your naked body, but you
in a blue-movie, which is an added during it your partner is in your alone must decide when and how to
turn-on to those couples who enjoy control and at your command. He rake off your clothes, and how much
watching pornographic films together. can watch and relish the sight of you, he can touch you .
Another fantasy that can arise but he must not touch you unless you Perform your exotic dance for
through the use of a mirror is a sense o desire. The tease is the main point your own pleasure as well as his. You
that other people are copulating of the exercise so you are allowed to are celebrating your own eroticism,
alongside you while you are making
Shimmy and Shake
love. This can provide a safer and less
emotionally damagmg way of acting T Once you have got his interest,
begin your strip routine. To the sound
out a group orgy sexual fantasy
of raunchy music, start to move and
rather than actually doing it for real.
sway in front of him. Motion is
ome couples are fairly blatant
important in strip-tease, because the
about their mirror fantasies, and
sight of your swaying body will be
have one permanently fixed to the
arousing and it should be executed as
bedroom ceiling to provide them
with a bird's eye view of their love-
a dance and a performance. Tease
your petticoat straps on and off of
making activities. You may not want
your shoulders. Roll down one strap
to go as far as this, and perhaps the
to allow the petticoat to slip slightly
use of a mirror during sex is JUSt an
off one side of your body. Then
occasional fantasy. In that case, a
haughtily replace It, while you let the
transportable mirror which is easily
other strap fall teasingly off your other
moved to any part of your bedroom
shoulder. Keep moving to show him
or home to provide a good reflecting
the back and front of your body, and
angle is the answer.
toss your hair with each seductive
turn. Then shimmy the petticoat
Strip - Tease Fantasy Build the Suspense
straps down your arms to expose
It has been said, in a tongue-in-cheek • One of the more fun ways of
your bra and cleavage.
way of course, that inside every acting out your strip-tease is to
woman there is a stripper trying to perform for your partner when he is
get out. Not all women are going to least suspecting it. Or you can set a
agree with that, but it is true that, date for it to build up his eager
even among the most reserved , the anticipation. Put on some of your
idea of doing a strip-tease can hold a prettiest lingerie, but make sure you
certain allure. It may even provide have a few layers on top so you can
material for a sexual fantasy. take your time peeling them off. so
There can be something very excit- keeping him in suspense. White
ing about the idea of performing an underwear is a particularly good
exotic strip-tease dance. If you are choice - the combination of snow-
confident and extrovert enough, you white innocence and your sexy
could have a lot of fun displaying routine will add extra appeal and
your body to the man you love in excitement. Also, wear pretty
such a bold and tantalizing way - stockings which you can roll sexily
and it can be very rewarding to have down your legs, or you can add a
him adore your every revealing move. suspender belt to the strip-tease kit.
84
Sharing Sexual Fantasies
and what is more, you are enjoying Seductive Sex Kitten Concealing and Revealing
showing it off. " Allow the silky petticoat to slide " Vel}' slowly let your petticoat slide
One of the more fascinating aspects slowly down your body so that you over your hips and down your legs to
of performing strip-tease is that it begin to reveal more and more naked reveal your buttocks. You can
allows you to counteract an aspect of skin. Gradually expose your chest and tantalize him further by letting it slip
YOllr gende r conditioning. Whi le belly but for now do not let the a little and then re-adjusting it several
women are often portrayed as objects petticoat fall any lower than your times before you are ready for full
of desire, society a lso expects them to hips. The main idea is to keep him in exposure. Sway your hips seductively
behave in a demure and chaste suspense. Pose and move in such a from side to side, and then rotate to
manner. Stripping for your lover helps way that you accentuate your curves. the beat of the music so that the
YOll to cha ll enge that restraint, and In a playful game like this, you can whole of your pelvis IS in constant
you can flaunt your body in such as adopt the classic "sex-kitten" postures motion. Then tum a little to the side,
way that you are making a statement of movie starlets in the 1950s. Flexing so that he can see the profile of your
abollt your own sexuality. your knee to balance one leg on the body, and enjoy its undulating
If it is YOllr fantasy to do a strip- ball of your foot will define its shapely contours. Panties that are saucy and
tease, then plllck lip the courage to contours, and tilt your pelvis back skimpy will show your buttocks off to
do it for your lover. It could be one seductively. In strip-tease, you are their best advantage. For most men,
of his fantasies too, but he may have totally in control of the situation, as the sight of a woman's bottom is vel}'
been too shy to ask you to do it. you send out inviting come-hither visually stimulating. When you are
Visual arollsa l is a n important part of looks. At this stage, though. the man ready, turn your back to him so he
male sexua lity, and he is sure to should look but not touch. The whole can enjoy seeing it in full-view, then
enjoy the invitation to become YOllr purpose is to tease him. bend over to allow him a closer look.
captive audience. Devi e your own
dance rOlltine, and if you need to
build up some confidence, practise
your steps in front of a mirror when
you are a lone. The illustrations and
further suggestions shown here
should provide you with some inspir-
ing ideas on how to turn your strip-
tease into an art.
85
Adventurous Sex Techniques
matching colours and soft fabrics. The correct actions during the While you tease your partner and
Silk and lace items always look strip-tease are very important if you peel away your clothes, stroke and
wonderful. You might like to wear a are to create the right alluring effect. caress your own body as if you are
suspender belt, or choose stockings They should be slow and sexy but making love to yourself. You can run
which cling to your legs. You then slightly exaggerated. Your aim is to your hands sensuous ly over your
need a sexy petticoat, or a slinky pose and move your body as etoti- breasts, along your inner thighs, and
dress, so that you are fully covered cally as possible. Lots of pelvic gyra- in between your legs.
when you first appear. The fun of tions will excite him and you. Although the aim of the strip-tease
strip-tease comes from peeling off the However, you should let your is to excite and tantalize your part-
layers piece by piece. You can go for dance be an expression of your own ner, it should be done for your plea-
the vamp look, dressed a ll in black, inner sexuality. Do what feels good sure too. Love your body and have
and even wear high -heeled shoes. to you and what turns you on. Find fun showing it off, and let your liber-
Red is exotic and brazen, while white that sex queen part in yourself and ated eroticism turn you on too. Enjoy
is pure and innocent. act it out to the full. the thrill of your sexual power.
86
Sharing Sexual Fantasies
87
Adventurous Sex Techniques
Feeding Frenzy
A fun fantasy to share with your
partner is to prepare a sumptuous
banquet of delicious desserts, only
instead of laying the food on a table,
you spread it on each other's bodies-
and then have a wonderful time
nibbling and licking it off. You can
gather around you all kinds of deli-
cious ripe fruits - tropical mangoes
are an exotic choice. Or you may
Cream Stream
T When she is lying down, pour the
cream or sauces, or rub the juicy
fruits on her body. If you are pouring
a liquid cream, let it trickle out slowly
so she feels its cool sensations Fruity Fiesta
running down over her skin. ... Start off your bacchanalian feast with a fruit cocktail for the hors d'oeuvres.
(If you are worried about making a Feed each other juicy pieces of exotic fruits to excite your taste buds and make
mess, cover your mattress with a your mouths water. Be sure, though, to spice up your snack with plenty of
washable sheet.) kisses and cuddles.
88
Sharing Sexual Fantasies
Taste Sensations
~ Begin to lick the cream from her
body. Slow, languid licks of your
tongue, and then some darting
motions, will thrill her skin and
delight her. Spend extra time on the
most sensitive areas, such as her
belly. Run your warm tongue around
and around her navel and tell her
that she tastes delicious.
89
Adventurous Sex Techniques
Dressing- Up Fantasies
While most of us present a particular
personality to the outside world, with
which we predominantly identify
ourselves, within us all there are
many other character traits which
weave together ro create the rich
tapestry of our human psyches. At
best, the varying shades of our
personalities can mingle with each
other and become integrated, each
part having an opportunity to
express itself at an appropriate time.
Occasionally, though, certain
aspects of Our internal world become
suppressed or denied, perhaps
because of moral conditioning, fear
of judgement from others, or through
self-censure. Sometimes it is just a
lack of opportunity that forces us to
resign some of our more colourful
internal personality traits to the back
shelf. This is particularly true in
regard to our sexual consciousness,
and one of the reasons that fantasy
can often be so helpful is that it
ena bles us ro access those more
obscure parts of ourselves.
In a close and loving relationship,
where two people trust each other
and are willing to share each other's
fantasies without condemnation,
there is a tremendous opportunity to
play -act roles which allow them to
express and have fun with some of
their sexual identities. One way to do Dressing the Part
this is by dressing up, there.by allow- A Look for the kind of outrageous outfit or underwear you would never normally
ing your hidden sexual fantasies ro wear. It should be pure show biz or downright sexy. If you want to be a James
emerge in full regalia. Bond girl or an Amazon Queen, leather, latex, rubber or chain mail will give you
You can even dress up to be the tough, sexually assertive look to help you play out your fantasy role.
theatrical, turning your bedroom into
a fantasy land where you act out perha ps one or the other of you has a trust each other, dress up to manifest
heroes and heroines from the movies, favourite film star - so why not be your sexual secrets and fantasies.
the stage, literature - or even those Humphrey Bogart, or Marilyn Raid your wardrobe, or scour the
from your imagination. You can turn Monroe, or whoever else you admire, sales for items of clothing which will
yourselves into Heathcliff and Cathy, and play-act the part for the night for help you to fulfil your complete
or Romeo and Juliet for the night. Or your favourite audience? Or, if you sexual personality.
90
Sharing Sexual Fantasies
91
Adventurous Sex Techniques
Cross-Dressing
Nobody knows for sure how many
men enjoy cross-dressing or even
fantasize about it. The subject is still
taboo in our society, although trans-
vestite ;ssues are now being discussed
more openly. However, research
shows that a considerable number of
men do cross-dress and become sexu-
ally aroused by wearing, or thinking
about wearing, women's clothes, and
especially women's underwear.
The reason why this is one of the
most sectet fantasies of all is that
many men, who clearly identify
themselves as heterosexuals and who
only want ro make love to female
partners, are afraid of the ridicule
and condemnation that cross-dress-
ing invariably causes. Studies opposite sex, and they clearly identify larrer case, this can be termed as a
conducted on men who cross-dress, their gender as male. transvestite fetish, as the man is
show that over 75 per cent of them There are various reasons why a reliant on these objects to become
are married and have children. Their man may fantasize about cross-dress- sexually fulfilled.
sexual orientation is towards the ing. It may be due ro curiosity and Having fantasies, or wearing
the desire ro discover how it feels ro female clothing, is nOt a problem in
~' be like a woman"; soft, feminine or itself, unless the man feels confused
exotic underwear may appeal to him, or unhappy about his sexual identity,
or he may even need ro wear female is plagued with guilt about it, or his
underwear or orher clothing to female partner feels distressed,
become sexually aroused. In the offended and threatened by his trans-
vestite tendencies. (Some sex counsel-
Enjoying His Fantasy lors specialize in cross-dressing,
.... Not all women are disturbed by a transvestite, or transsexual issues
man's cross-dressing fantasy She can and are able to help the individuals
be happy to join in, selecting items of concerned ro talk through any prob-
her clothing for him to wear, or lems that may result.)
taking him out on a shopping trip to Many wives and girlfriends, who
choose his female underwear. In fact, discover their partners are cross-
her role of dressing him up may be dressers, find it almost impossible to
an acted-out fantasy for her too. accept or understand their behaviour.
92
p
Th ey ma y fenr th a c their partn e rs personality, and even enjoy dressing tio nship, even if it is something tha t
h a ve homo se x ual tendencie s , a re him up, putting ma ke-up on him , or is hidden fro m others.
effe minate, or th ey ma y regard the choos in g hi s sp eci a li ze d it e m s of Perh a ps your dressing-up fanta ies
be havi o ur a s a pe rv e rsion. Some c lothin g. It is th e ir se cre t, a nd it mi g ht in c lud e c ross- dress in g. Thi s
fem ale partners, th o ugh, a re ha ppy to becomes part of their sexual agenda - co uld be a response to the ma n's rea l
compl y with this aspect of the man 's a n important fe a ture of th eir rela - des ire to so metim es w ea r w om en's
cl o thing, o r it might juSt be a one-o ff
ga me to ac t o ut th e opp osi te-sex
ge nde r ro le. If th is is accepta ble to
bo th peopl e invol ved , a nd yo u fe el
your rela tion ship is strong enough to
with sta nd th e implic a tion s, c ross-
dressin g ca n become a shared fa ntasy
ga me invol vin g you both.
Feminine Role-Play
..... He may j ust want to wear women's
panties or stockings, but he might
also want to dress up completely as a
female and play-act the role of a
woman for a while.
93
Getting Turned On
Some people are very turned on by the idea of skin teasing, where they are stroked all over the body
with the lightest of touches and using all kinds of textures which can result in an almost unbearable
intensity. At the other extreme, so long as both partners are willing, lovers can find it stimulating to
act out fantasies that involve bondage and domination.
Skin Teasing
It is not a fantasy for the ticklish, but
if the idea of a session of skin excita-
tion appeals to either of you, then
gather around you all kinds of
sensual materials so that you can
enjoy a variety of tactile sensations.
Find out from each other if either of
you has a particular tactile fetish -
perhaps you love the feeling of feath -
ers, or of soft, luxurious silk on your
skin, or even the firmer texture of
leather or rubber being stroked Feel of Leather
against the surface of your body. .,f your partner is turned on by the idea of black leather, find a pair of erotic-
Even more exciting is to use differ- looking soft leather gloves to wear and begin to stroke vel}' lightly but slowly
ent materials and different touches, over his whole body. Blindfold him loosely with a silk scarf so he doesn't know
perhaps even blowing or licking the where your touches will go, or exactly what you are planning to do, and this
body all over, or trailing your fingers will add to his excitement. Stroke all over his face so he can take in the smell of
very lightly over the most sensitive the leather, and then draw one hand after the other lightly on the surface of his
parts of the skin. Erotic touches on skin down over his body to the tips of his toes.
94
F
Getting Turned On
Ticklish Delight
" Barely any weight at all, a single
boa feather feels like a breeze
whispering over the skin - watch the
goose bumps come and go! Sweep
this lovely, delicate feather over all
her erogenous pleasure zones. Run it
around her nipples, under her arms,
along the side of her neck, and over
her belly, groin and thighs. When she
turns over, skim the feather over the
the skin involve brushing its surface, feat hery event, tantalizing the skin soles of her feet and on the very
with a lmost no pressure, so rhey with delicate caresses from a whole sensitive spot at the back of the
enliven the skin's most peripheral variety of exotic plumes. Perhaps you knees, and then circulate it over her
sensory nerves. All the hair follicles prefer to be excired by the warmth of buttocks. See how she squirms with
thar cover the skin are packed with your partner's touch. Your skin can this ticklish delight.
nerve endings that are stimulated by
these erotic caresses. Somerimes your
whole body is left tingling and quiv-
ering ro the point that you are
tempred to beg your partner ro stop.
Yet the pleasure is in being taken
right to the height of skin sensation.
There are several ways to enjoy
this fantasy game. You might want to
try all the different kinds of skin
stimulation in one session, so that
you experience a whole variety of
touches and textures. You can enjoy
the caress of any material including
leather, silk, sarin, chiffon and feath-
ers. Or you might make it a totally
95
Adventurous Sex Techniques
Stroke Play
Patsy, aged 33: "When we were little, my sister and r
used to spend hours tickling each other and I loved
that very light touch on my skin. I had special places
where it felt particularly pleasurable, like my back,
my underarms, and most especially my feet.
"In all of my relationships since becoming an adult, J
have always wanted a boyfriend to touch and tease
me in that way. I just want to lie there, and be lightly
stroked all over - the more subtle it is, the more
exciting I find it. It is not always sexual, but it is
immensely physically pleasurable. Tracing Her Contours
"Now, finally, I have a boyfriend who loves it too, so .6. She can lie back and surrender to the gentle touch of
we spend quite a bit of our physical time just teasing, your fingers running softly over her face. There should be
tickling and stroking each other's skin with all kinds no pressure at all in your hands, just a feathery motion
of things. We always take it in turns, so one of us that will awaken the most peripheral of her skin's sensory
can just give in to enjoying the pleasure of all those nerves. Let the feeling in your fingers be tender and loving,
lovely skin sensations. To me it feels like luxury and move them flowing down over her face, tracing the
and my dream come true. Sometimes I enjoy it contours of her features. Run your fingertips delicately
as much as making love." over the edge of her eyelashes and over her lips. Try to see
how light you can make the touch.
96
Getting Turned On
Linger Lovingly
~ Use the back of your fingers, your
fingertips, and even the edge of your
nails to heighten her skin senses.
Linger sensually over the most
sensitive places where the skin is
particularly soft and defenceless to
tease and excite it. Stroke over her
belly and along the sides of her
ribcage and then slide your fingers
along the inside of her thighs with
these teasing and pleasing touches
which bring the warmth of your skin
to the surface of her body.
Dominance and other fetishist gear may be a big tum- Then make some rules and stick by
Bondage on for some people but abhorrent to them. Only act out domination and
Domination and bondage are others. The major rule of these sex submission games when you are in a
common themes in sexual fantasies. games is that both partners are happy relationship you trust, and you know
lmages of being tied up, spanked, or and willing to give them a go. No your parmer well enough to be sure
even "forced" (albeit erotically) into one should ever pressure his or her he or she would never hurt you, or
having sex are typical fantasies which partner into this kind of fantasy sex ever force you into something you do
can run through some people's minds play, nor should anyone submit to it not want to do. If spanking the
while having intercourse. More often just to please a demanding partner. buttocks is part of your play, then
than not, these day-dreams remain in However, if you both enjoy a little only take it so far as you find it fun
the mind as a private fantasy and are rough play in your sex life, and the and exciting.
never actually acted out in reality. idea of taking your eroticism right to Don't cause real pain, cause
A lot of people would never even the edge excites you, then there is no bruises or break the skin. You can
discuss these fantasies with their reason at all why you should not add pretend you are humiliating your
partners, either because rhey feel roo these saucy alternatives to your partner, but you should know "the
shy, or just because they want to sexual repertoire. boundaries berween play and offence.
keep them in their own private Don't say things you may regret later
world. However, for many, the Rules of the Game or which will emotionally scar your
fantasy of being the dominant or Some people fear that their tough love parmer. Talk over exactly what kind
submissive partner in a sexual sex play could mean that they are of fantasy behaviour turns you on,
scenario, or being r'estrained while bordering on sado-masochism. There what your limits are, and what you
being slowly teased into an orgasm, is no need to worry unless you are do and do not want to happen, and
is an imaginative way to become acrually hurting your partner or you then stick within these guidelines.
erotically aroused. feel you are receiving real pain and Make sure you have a signal or
Some couples even like to play out abuse. What we are discussing here is code word which you both recognize
their sexual fantasies together in the pretending to use domination and as the sign to stop rhe game immedi-
bedroom, switching between the force and playing with these concepts ately. The moment one or the other
dominant and submissive roles from because you find them sexually arous- of you says this word or gives the
time to time, or settling into a partic- ing and enriching ro your sex life. So sign, you must stop!
ular routine depending on which where do you draw the line? If being tied ro the bed post while
excites them most. Bondage, disci - First of all, these fantasy games your partner makes slow, tantalizing
pline, or dressing up in leather and must always be by mutual consent. love ro you, or gives you orgasmic
97
Adventurous Sex Techniques
oral sex (research shows that restraint anything around the neck, and cover- M aster and Slave
is probably the most popular fantasy ) ing the mouth can also be dangerous. 'Y Some men can be vety aroused by
interests you and you plan to act it If your parmer is restrained, do not playing a submissive role in a sex .
out, then make sure he or she does not leave him Or her alone - even for a game, especially as a release of
tie the knots toO tight, and that they short time. You need to be conscious tension if they otherwise hold
can be undone immediately if you and present during the whole time powerful positions. Some couples
request it, or whenever necessary. your partner is tied up. enjoy a "master and slave" game,
You can restrain the wrists and Some people may fantasize about where the woman plays a dominating
ankles, but you must never tie restraint, and even desire ro act it role and disciplines her partner. If you
are acting this out as the dominator,
dress up to look sexy but stern and
Playing Power Games
severe. Thigh-length black leather
Jonathan, aged 33, a salesman has lived with his girlfriend, Anja, for five boots will put you in the mood for the
years. "It was Anja who first suggested that we should introduce some part. Assert your dominance over your
domination and submission games into our sex life. She said that in her last partner, threatening to discipline him
relationship, her boyfriend would sometimes tie her arms and legs to the if he does not follow your evety wish
bed posts, and then make love to her, and that she found it to be incredibly and whim.
sexually arousing. I was more than happy ro give it a go because I had
always wanted to do something like this myself, but my last girlfriend
would have never agreed to it. Now, once in a while, we take it in turns to
be tied up. Sometimes I do it to her, and she just goes wi ld, especially if I
am giving ber oral sex. She says that this kind of sex game gives her the
most intense orgasms. It's the same for me, because there is something
incredibly erotic about having ro absolutely surrender and be helpless whi le
she is making love to me. She does everything very slowly, and takes me
almost to the point of an orgasm, then cools it down, and then starts again.
In the end, I feel like I am going to explode - and [ usually do."
Clara, aged 27, a landscape designer, has shared a home with her fiance
for two years. "Jack and I enjoy all kinds of sex games, and we are pretty
hot on the ones with domination themes. He is the dominator, and I get
turned on by the submissive role. We do all kinds of things, and I am sure
people who know us would be quite shocked about what we get up ro on
some weekends because we look so normal. I trust him completely
because I know he loves me and he would never do anything that would
actually hurt me. I have my code word, and if I say it, he always stops. We
also make love in all the more normal ways roo because we don't want out, but are simply roo afraid to be
this to be our only sexual theme. The interesting thing is that it is only in tied up. Respect that anxiety and just
our sexual relationship that Jack's domination fantasy comes out. In every pretend he or she is tied up. One way
other aspect of our relationship, we are absolutely on equal terms." is for that person ro grip the head-
Kirsty, aged 26, a teacher, has been married for twO years. "This kind of board so the arms are spread-eagled,
sex play is definitely not for me. I don't even have fantasies about it, and the legs are splayed out wide in
though [ know that some of my girlfriends do. I can't relate to it at all. the posture of restraint.
For me, making love is all about just that - it's a way of expressing all our
loving and tender feelings for each other. I just want to be me in bed Getting the Gear
and there's no room for fantasy. I think it would make us feel Fetishist rools may be in order for
as if we were having sex with a stranger." these games, and you can get these
from a good sex shop. Black outfits
98
Demand His Obedience
.... Stay haughty and proud as he
grovels at your feet. Let him adore
you from his lowly position. He must
touch, kiss or caress you in any way
you command, but you must appear
to be above feeling excited by his
attentions. Complain and make him
do more. The fun is in acting as if you
have total control and can demand
complete obedience from him.
are a popular choice for bondage and Soft ropes, silk scarves or strips of
domination games . Boots, corsets, corron material can all be used for
armbands, and elbow-length gloves in restraint, but make sure that nothing
leather, latex or rubber are the normal you LIse will burn or chafe the skin. If
geat that turn people on. Men are you want to use more serious-looking
more visually stimulated than their equipment, there are sexy handcuffs
partners by these outfits, but women available which both of you can
can enjoy dressing up to arouse their undo, if necessary. Don ' t use real
men. (Some women might find the handcuffs which are toO threatening
whole idea chauvinistic and absurd!) and may be difficult to release.
Helpless to Resist
A Restraint, or being softly tied to
the bed post, and having your lover
slowly, tantalizingly and deliberately
turn you on while you pretend to be
helpless can be extremely arousing.
The added thrill is the restriction on
movement which can take your
excitement right to its peak. He Begging for More Good Vibrations
should pay attention to every part of A Slow, erotic oral sex while being A Another variation to add to your
your body. If he licks and kisses your restrained can be an amazing sexual fantasy play, is for him to use a
breasts and nipples while you are tied experience. Again, he should take his vibrator to bring you to orgasm. After
like this, you may feel as if you are time, doing everything in a teasing kissing and stroking every part of your
going to explode with erotic and super-sensual way. If he is body, and waiting till you have
sensation. He should deliberately do sensitive to your responses, he will reached a peak of arousal, he can use
everything slowly, taking his time to know just when to slow down to a sex toy and vibrate it against your
keep you dangling at this almost delay your moment of orgasm, so vulva . At the same time, you can let
excruciating pitch of excitement. that you beg him to go ahead. the fantasies in your mind run riot.
99
Spontaneous Sex
Spontaneous sex refers to the proverbial "quickie". It is the stuff of best-selling airport novels, full of
erotic heaving, panting and writhing bodies, bodice-ripping sex scenes and exotic or, at least, unusual
locations. It is not slow and sensual, or particularly intimate, but it is hot and passionate and
deliciously primitive. When spontaneous sex happens it is the meeting of the "wild" man and the
"wild" woman - there are no formalities to play out and clothes are cast aside along with inhibitions.
Does spontaneous sex have any place Spontaneous sex can be extremely The one thing you must guarantee,
in a loving and intimate sexual rela- exciting and exhilarating, affirming a though, is complete privacy, with
tionship? Yes, it certainly does, if the mutual physical attraction and absolutely no one else in sight,
two people concerned are equally enlivening any sexual relationship because neither the law, nor your
eager for the action. It is sexual with its raw and untamed content. family, nor your neighbours will
appetite at its most voracious, a applaud you if you are caught in
hunger immediately satisfied by twO the act.
consenting partners. Spontaneous sex rarely happens in
the bedroom, it is much more
likely to occur in the kitchen, the
living room, the bathroom, or
on the stairs. It may be even
more licentious - forbidden
moments in the office base-
Change of Mood
... Sexual arousal can happen when
you least expect it. You may be
planning simply to relax with your
partner after a tiring day at work and
watch a little television before going
to bed to sleep. The two of you
snuggle up for a cosy but quiet
evening, then suddenly the moo.d
changes, and your bodies become
electrified just from their closeness to
each other.
100
Spontaneous Sex
Standing Up
Standing up is a c1as ic bur awkward
position for the "quickie" way of
having intercourse . It usually implies
fast and furious ex, with no prelimi-
naries, but it is hot and impetuous
and therefore probably very exciting.
If you do it standing up, it is best to
have something to lean on, such as a
wall or a tree, and it definitely works
better if the partners are a si milar
height and weight. The main problem
is that the peni can ea ily slip out of
the vagina, and the vertical posirion
makes it difficult for deep thrusting.
However, the impulsiveness of the
situarion usually indicates that the
man is so aroused he is likely to ejac-
ulate very quickly.
101
Adventurous Sex Techniques
Standing Sex
... You can't wait to make it to the
bedroom so, pressed against the.
wall, you make love to each other in
the standing position. Your partner
will be able to penetrate you deeper
if he elevates you slightly, and you
curl one leg around him. He must
take care not to push you too hard
against the wall while he is thrusting.
102
Spontaneous Sex
Business Suitors
~ Full spontaneous
sex may be out of
the question,
especially if you
are in a business
situation, but if
you and your
partner meet up
somewhere at
work, you may
not be able
to resist a
surreptitious
petting session
behind closed doors.
There is something especially
exciting about this kind of erotic
encounter because it will be
in strict contrast to your
professional persona.
Adventurous Sex Techniques
Scented Sensuality
~ Making love in a bathtub of soothing warm water,
especially if scented with aromatic oils, can be a wonderfully
erotic experience. Let your spontaneous urges take over. You
will need to straddle across his lap, but you can use the bath
rail for levering your body up and down while he kisses and
caresses you all over.
104
Spontaneous Sex
o f ove rwh e lmin g ph ys ica l a nd So spo nta neous, wi ld and lus rful
e moti o n a l se nsa ti o n . M os t o f us sex has a thera peutic place wirhi n a
wo ul d become exhau sted if we lived rela t io nship. Wh e n th e mood tak es
in a state o f pass io n a ll th e tim e . yo u, yo u ca n be crea ti ve with it. Let
H oweve r, it is a luc ky rela ti o n hip go int o ir , a nd a ll ow yo ur ero ti c
which ca n reta in its elements, fo r if a fa ntas ies to co me tru e immedi a tely.
co up le ca n relive rhose mo ments o f Do n' t wo r ry a bo ut th e tim e of the
pass io n a nd lu st a nd mag ica l chem- d ay, o r wh a t pa rr of the ho use yo u
istry w hich drew rhem together in rh e a re in - le t yo u r mutu a l passio n
fi rst pl ace , th e ma ntl e o f co mpl a- surface unbridl ed , a nd use w ha tever
ce ncy a nd bo redom whi c h ca n props yo u have a ro und you, such as
desce nd o n a n y rela ti o nship wo uld the chairs, stairs o r ba thtu b to th eir
have difficulty ta king ho ld . best ad va ntage.
105
Overcoming Difficulties
Lack of sexual interest shown by one or both partners is the most common form of sexual problem
occurring within a relationship. There may be a number of factors that block the sexual response.
Sometimes stress at work or in the home can cause fatigue or anxiety and consequently a diminished
libido. If there is anger or other negative feelings between the partners, and a lack of clear
communication skills, then the sexual relationship is ultimately bound to suffer.
Sadly, in many relationships, once the and not for an end result. This is a surprising if one or other partner
first flush of passion and excitement very important factor which may be becomes disillusioned or resentful
has subsided, lovemaking can missing from a sexual partnership . and eventually withdraws from phys-
become perfunctory, focused mainly Sex is often directed towards penetra- ical contact.
on penetration and thrusting, and tion and thrusting and can become a The human body has an enormous
regarded more as a relief from sexual way of using another person's body capacity for sensual joy and pleasure,
tension than a sensual, nurturing and for self-gratification. especially that experienced through
fulfilling encounter. [n these circum- [n their haste ro reach a climax, the medium of touch, but this funda-
stances, either partner may withdraw many individuals may nOt actua ll y mental sense is often suppressed
from the sexual arena, and this can experience their own sensual pleasure within us from an ea rly stage of life.
lead ro a buildup of frustration and may completely miss their part- Young children are frequently told
within the relationship. ner's sensual responses. If the sexual "not to touch" either their own
Sensate focus exercises are the relationship falls into this mode over bodies or the objects around them,
backbone of psychosexual therapy, a long period of time, it is hardly thus inhibiting the development of
enabling couples to overcome their their sensory perceptions. Touch, in
sexual difficulties and regain, or even western cultures, is generally associ-
discover, a more sensual and intimate ated with sexuality once we have
side of their physical relationship. reached adolescence . We forget how
They work by helping the couple to to communicate and feel through
change their focus away from pene- touch, how to enjoy its nurturing
trative sex, performance and sexual qualities and, by doing so, cut
obligation. While a couple are work- ourselves off from a vast dimension
ing through these exercises, they of tactile sensory awareness.
make a commitment to ban all inter- If you and your partner are experi-
course until the very last stage. encing serious or long-term problems
The point of sensate focus is ro within your relationship, or your
help people break old habits and communication has begun to break
patterns of sexual behaviour which down so that conflict ensues when-
have proved unsatisfying. The pres- ever sexual or emotional issues are
sure is taken away from the need to discussed, you would probably bene-
initiate or respond ro sexual over- fit from seeking professional help
tures, giving the couple an opportu- from a qualified psychosexual thera-
nity to relax with each other's bodies The Effect of Stress pist. The therapist will be trained to
and to recreate their sexual relation- • Sometimes a man can go through deal with a whole range of sexual
ship in an entirely new way. a temporary period of impotence due disorders or dysfunctions, including
Sensate focus exercises, originally to factors such as stress or anxiety, premature ejacu lation, loss of desire,
devised by sex researchers, William but with the understanding and erecti le dysfunction, inability to
Masters and Virginia Johnson, are loving support of his partner, he achieve orgasm, fear of penetration,
based on encouraging couples to should eventually recover his or intercourse avoidance.
discover the joy and pleasure of enthusiasm and ability to achieve He or she will also help you to
sensual touching for its own sake , an erection. improve your communication skills,
106
~
Overcoming Difficulties
107
Overcoming Difficulties
Stage Two:
Adding Lotion
You can continue to touch in the
same way as before, but now, if you
want, you can add oil or lotion .
This is still a touching exercise, not
a massage. The aim is to experience
108
Overcoming Difficulties
109
Overcoming Difficulties
did in the first stage of this exercise. If partner likes to stroke himself or till a ban on kissing and sexual
you are the male active partner, you herself and what variations of pres- intercourse, but you can now use
can use a sitting position during this sure he or she may like to apply. your rongue to explore one another's
phase, so your partner's back is leaning Your intention is nor to arouse each bodies, although not with the
against you. Prop yourself against other to orgasm, as your focus is still purpose of arousal. Now you must
some pillows and reach comfortably on gaining a greater sense of tactile simultaneously focus your attention
around to touch the front of her body. awareness. Do not concentrate only on on touch and on the sensa tion of
Also, become aware of the feel of the genitals, but continue ro touch being touched. Explore each other's
her back as it nestles against your other parts of the body as before. You bodies with different types of strokes,
skin. As the woman during the active should not kiss at this stage, or pursue using fingertips or palms, just as you
phase, you can kneel between your any activity which may lead to inter- have done in the previous exercises.
partner's legs to gain easier access to course. If, however, either partner does
his genital area. become orgasmic while being genitally Stage Five: Making Love
Once you are rouching the geni- stroked, you can continue your Begin this stage of the programme
tals, the passive partner can also manual touching, with just your own with your whole-body touch, includ-
guide you by laying his or her hand hands, or your combined hands, to ing sensual rouching of the genital
over yours, and giving you silent cues allow orgasm to happen. regions. However, during this phase,
as to how he or she likes ro be you can now move onto the first
touched there. Move your hands with Stage Four: steps of resuming sexual intercourse.
synchronicity, and try to remain Touching Each Other The man should lie on his back and,
receptive ro the passive parrner's Mutual touching is now the new as the woman, you should climb on
subtle directions. You can even swap phase in your sensate focus top of him so that you are kneeling
the position of your hands, so that at programme. Here you begin again across his hips .
some point, your hand overlays the with your sensory awareness exer- Carry your sensual awareness with
hand of the receptive partner. Follow cises, but this time you are touching you, and begin by just letting your
their movements, gauging how your each other simultaneously. There is genitals make contact. Absorb these
110
Overcoming Difficulties
111
Overcoming Difficulties
become central to the sensory experi- body and genitals without expecting immediately upon genital-to-genital
ence of whole-body touching. something to happen. When the stimu lati on, or even during the initial
When the man begins to relax into couple are able ro reach the sensual stages of physical contact. This is
his whole-body sensuality, the lovemaking stage, the woman should disappointing for both partnerS', but
woman can stimulate him to an erec- begin by taking her partner's penis is particularly frustrating for the
tion, either manually or orally, but slowly into her vagina as described. If woman if she has no time to achieve
should then allow the erection ro the penis becomes soft at any stage, orgasm herself.
subside while she concentrates on both parmers should simply continue A consistent pattern of premature
other areas of his body. When his with their sensual touching, allowing ejaculation will cause anxiety because
penis has become softer, she can the erection to return later, or not as the man feels unable to control his
again stimulate him to an erection. the case may be. bodily responses, and fears disap-
At this stage, she should not try to Gradually, with patience and loving pointing his partner. Such anxiety can
bring him to an orgasm. support, the man may be able ro lead to erection failure, or sex avoid-
In this way, the man begins to break the cycle of anxiety which has ance, especially if he is regularly criti-
realize that he can have an erection, inhibited his responses. By becoming cized for "poor performance" in bed.
lose it, and then regain ir at a later less focused on his penis, and more Fortunately, premature ejaculation
time. The couple should practise this involved in the pleasures of sensual can be successfully treated by sex
phase of the exercises for about three contact with his parmer, he will be therapy. Ideally this should involve
weeks, or for however long it takes able ro relax and gain a new confi- both partners. If the couple have a
for the man to accept the fluctuations dence in his sensuality and sexuality. good basis of communication, and
of his erections without anxiety . A single man who has anxieties are mutually willing to explore new
As the couple progress through the about his performance should try to sensual techniques to help change the
mutual touching and genital-to-geni- avoid casual sexual encounters which man's habitual patterns of sexual
tal contact stages of the sensate focus may confirm his insecurity. It is response, they can benefit from the
exercises, the man should continue to better to develop a secure and loving following self-help exercises using the
involve himself totally with touching partnership where the sexual rela- "squeeze technique" (see opposite).
and caressing the woman's body, and tionship has time to build slowly and However, if there are orher funda-
avoid focusing on whether or not he where his sexual confidence is not mental problems within the relation-
has an erection. The woman can help immediately challenged. ship, the couple are better advised to
by continuing ro touch and stroke his seek professional help to improve
Overcoming Premature their communication, and resolve the
Ejaculation emotional or sexua l problems
Premature ejaculation is fairly involved. In the self-help method, the
common in younger men who have couple must agree to abstain from
not yet learned to control and extend intercourse during the period of time
the plateau phase of their sexual they are following the exercises until
response, which occurs just before a certain stage of progress has been
orgasm. In all men, there is a point reached. However, the man can help
when ejaculation is inevitable. his partner climax through oral or
However, some men ejacu late almost manual stimulation whenever she
wants him to.
Applying the Squeeze Having committed themselves to
.... Whenever you feel your partner is this programme, which should be
close to ejaculating, you can apply practised at least three times a week,
the squeeze technique so that his the couple begin with manual stimu-
erection subsides slightly. Then you la'ti on. The woman masturbates the
can begin to stimulate him again. man, app lying the "squeeze" to the
112
Overcoming Difficulties
113
Overcoming Difficulties
Learn to Relax
.... Once you are able to fully relax
into your own body and sensual and
erotic feelings of pleasure in touching
and lovemaking, without worrying
about performance or results, you
may find that your orgasmic capacity
increases.
114
Overcoming Difficulties
enjoyed for the sheer sake of plea- may suffer this disorder throughout transmitted disease. Secondary vagin-
sure, rather than focused purely her sexual life, and it can cause great ismus may occur as a result of a geni-
towards orgasm, will help the distress to both her and her partner ral infection, a difficult childbirth, or
woman to feel cherished and become who may, in every other respect, other pathological causes which
more fully aroused before penetra- enjoy a close relationship. The prob- previously made intercourse painful
tion occurs. lem can be so serious that the woman and have consequently precipitated
The woman should not feel she is unable to insert a tampon, a rhe involuntary muscular response.
has to have an orgasm to soothe her pessary, or even her own finger into The woman may then become fearful
partner's sexual ego, or to prove her vagina, and a pelvic examination of further pain on penetration.
herself to be sexually responsive. This is an impossibility without sedation. Whatever the reasons for vaginis-
demand can create a mental and If the woman has never been able mus, and sometimes they are
physical tension which is likely to to experience vaginal penetration, the complex and indefinable, a woman
block her natural responses. condirion is known as primary vagin- must first be examined by a sympa-
It is also important for the couple ismus. If she has had penetrative sex thetic gynaecologist to discover
to resolve their relationship conflicts in the past, but has consequently whether there is an identifiable
before making love, because hidden developed these distressing symp- underlying cause, such as a physical
resentments, and other negative feel- toms, the condition is called abnormality or infection.
ings may also affect the woman's secondary vaginismus . Vaginismus is almost always treat-
ability to relax sexually. Choosing Vaginismus can result from a able once the woman, and her part-
the right time to make love, when number of complex causes. If it is ner, if she has one, decide to seek
neither partner is tired or under primary, the problem may stem from professional advice and receive sex
stress, or when they are unlikely to early childhood or adolescent condi- therapy. The complexity of the
be interrupted by their children, will tioning, possibly due to parental or reli- psychological issues involved in
enhance the sexual responses of both gious influences, which have created vaginismus, and the need to ascertain
of rhem. negative feelings about sexuality in whether the condition is a primary or
A woman who is unable to come general, or her genitals in particular. secondary one, makes it advisable
to an orgasm by any means of stimu- Other causes include trauma due that the woman's circumstances are
lation - a condition known as anor- to rape or childhood sexual abuse, a assessed by a psychosexual counsel-
gasmia - will benefit from the painful and insensitive gynaecological lor. The rherapist will then be able to
guidance of a qualified sex therapist examination in adolescence, or an guide the woman and her partner
if she wishes to become orgasmic. exaggerated fear of becoming preg- through the treatment strategy that is
nant or of contracting a sexually most appropriate to her.
Treating Vaginismus
For some women, penetrative sex can
be an uncomfortable, or even painful
experience. In rare cases, intercourse
may be impossible because of invol-
untary contractions of rhe muscles
surrounding the vagina - a condition
known as vaginismus. Many sufferers
may otherwise have completely
normal sexual responses, and may
easily attain orgasm through non- Mutual Understanding
penetrative sex such as masturbation • Through loving care, mutual support, and the changing of existing patterns
or oral-genital contact. through simple exercises and techniques, problems such as premature
Vaginismus occurs most commonly ejaculation and vaginismus can be understood coped with, and hopefully
in young women. However, a woman overcome, especially with the aid of sympathetic counselling.
115
Contraception
Contraception is an important consideration for most sexually active people, as a way of avoiding
unwanted pregnancy or as an aid to family planning. It is important to keep in mind, however, that
no method is 100 per cent reliable, and some forms of contraception do not protect against HI V or
other sexually transmitted diseases. Condoms have been shown to be effective against these risks
and to play an invaluable role in safer sex, as well as guarding against conception.
There is now a much wider choice of HORMONAL METHODS The combined pill may be less
contraceptive methods than ever effective if it is taken more than 12
before, and most are readily avail- Oral Contraceptive Pill hours late, or if there is any vomiting
able. The various forms are' discussed The oral contraceptive pill has been or diarrhoea. Other medication s ,
below, and their suita bility for you used by millions of women since its such as antibiotics, sedatives and
can best be determined by consulting introduction in the ear ly 1960s. some painkillers, may also alter the
a health practitioner. Changing There are currently over 60 million efficacy of the combined pill. In any
lifestyles or needs, or relevant health women world -wide using thi of these cases, an additional form of
issues, may require that you re-evalu- method. If used correctly, the pill is contraception should be used until
ate the type of contraceptive you are a highly reliable form of contracep- the end of the cycle.
currently using. This is easily done in tion - up to 99 per cent effective. Studies have linked the combined
consultation with your doctor or The advantage of the pill is that pill with an increased risk of cardio-
local family planning clinic. couples do not have to think about vascular disease, and liver and cervi-
It is important, as a sexually active contraception (so long as it is taken cal cancer, but it seems to offer
person, to take a responsible attitude on the days and at the times speci - protection against ovarian cancer,
to contraception and to avoid spread- fied) and so it does not interfere cancer of the endometrium (the lining
ing sexually transmitted diseases. with their spontaneity. of the uterus), ovarian cysts, non-
Some forms of contraception carry The pill works by suppressing cancerous breast tumours, fibroids,
health risks, which you shou ld take normal contro l of a woman's sex and ectopic pregnancy. Medical opin-
into account when choosing the most hormone system, thereby artificia ll y ion is divided on the link between
suitable method for you, bearing in regulating her menstrual cycle. Most hormonal pills and breast cancer.
mind factors such as your medical forms of the pill contain a combina- All women who use hormonal
condition, weight, age and lifestyle. tion of progestogen and synthetic contraceptive methods should have
However, it is worth bearing in oestrogen, which mimic the female regular breast examinations, cervical
mind that pregnancy and childbirth hormones progesterone and oestro- smears, and six-monthly check-ups of
also involve slight risks, to say noth- gen. The effect is to prevent ovula- blood pressure and weight.
ing of the distress of an unwanted tion, make the cervical mucus The combined pill does have some
pregnancy. The various methods now impenetrable to sperm, and alter the serious side-effects such as increased
available should make the decision on lining of the uterus so that a fertilized risk of blood clots in the arteries and
these matters easier and ensure your egg cannot implant in it. veins. This risk is much greater in
choice is best suited to th~ specific The combined pill is taken on 21 women over the age of 35, smokers,
needs of you and your partner. days out of 28 - with seven pill-free and those who are very overweight.
The failure rates quoted in this days. It is available in three forms: It is not usually prescribed for
section are based on the theoretical monophasic, biphasic and triphasic. women in these high-risk categories.
number of pregnancies that can be Monophasic pills release constant Some of the other side-effects of the
expected within one year among 100 doses of hormones. Biphasic and pill reported include breast tender-
couples having regular sex and using triphasic pills release staged doses - ness, mood swings, weight gain,
the particular form of contraception in two phases and three phases water retention, and loss of libid o.
mentioned. The risk of failure is respectively - to mimic the normal Vaginal infections, such as thrush,
obviously increased if a contraceptive pattern of female hormone produc- are also more common among
method is used incorrectly. tion more c10sel y. contraceptive pill users.
116
Contraception
117
Contraception
handling. Spermicides are available relatively thin form of rubber, it must The Condom
from the chemist without a prescrip- be checked for signs of deterioration, The condom is one of the oldest
tion and most contain the active such as small cuts or tears, before forms of contraception. Condoms are
ingredient Nonoxynol-9. They each use. It should also be checked enjoying renewed popularity for their
usually offer protection for on ly one for size every six months as child- abi lity to provide protection against
episode of intercourse, and must be birth, miscarriage, or weight gain or HIV and other sexually transmitted
re-applied before sex is repeated. On loss of more than 3kg/71b in the user diseases. They are made of fine latex
their own, they are not highly effec- can make it less effecrive. In such a rubber with a teat at the end to
tive as a contraceptive, with failure case a more appropriate size should collect sperm . To provide maximum
rates as high as 25 per cent. be fitted. Some women find it diffi- protection, the condom shou ld be
Spermicides are most effective cult to insert, though with practice it fitted prior to any genita l contact.
when used in conjunaion with usually becomes easier. It can also The condom shou Id be rolled down
another barrier method, such as the impair spontaneity for it needs to be evenly over the erect penis, taking
condom, diaphragm, cap or sponge inserted before lovemaking. Some care to expel all the air from the tip.
(see below). They may cause minor women cope with this by inserting it After ejaculation, the man should
irritations or allergies in either part- earlier in the evening, but they shou ld withdraw his penis, holding the base
ner. Some spermicides may damage keep in mind that spermicide loses a of the condom so that no sperm
condoms and diaphragms, so only great deal of its potency after three escapes into the vagina .
recommended types should be used. hours and more should be added Only water-based lubricants should
Recent tests show that Nonoxynol-9 prior to intercourse. be used; oil-based products can cause
can kill the HIV virus, the disease The diaphragm puts pressure on the rubber to deteriorate. Most
responsible for AIDS. the bladder and so is not recom- condoms contain spermicide and this
mended for women who suffer from usually provides sufficient lubri ca-
The Diaphragm recurrent cystitis or other urinary tion. Condoms should always be
The diaphragm is a soft rubber infections. A few women are allergic handled with care and checked for
dome, reinforced with a flexible to the rubber of the diaphragm and signs of damage or ageing. They
metal spring in the rim, that is placed will not be able to tolerate it. There is should not be carried in pockets or
inside the vagina so that it covers a risk of toxic shock syndtome if the wa llets where they can get damaged.
the cervix. It is easily fitted by the diaphragm is worn contin u ously, Some men comp lain of a loss of
user herself, simply by pressing two especially during a period. sensation when using condoms, but
sides together so it can be inserted. this is less of a problem nowadays as
When used consistently with spermi- The Cap modern condoms are made of a very
cide, placed on the surfaces of the The cap functions very much like the thin form of latex . Ind eed, any
diaphragm before insertion, it can diaphragm but is smaller, fitting reduced sensitivity may be an advan-
provide a very safe form of birth snugly over the cervix where it is held ·tage for men who suffer premature
control - up to 98 per cent effective - in place by suction. It has the same ejaculation, or who wish to extend
and does not interfere with a woman's success rate as the diaphragm and lovemaking. Fitting a condom can
hormonal balance. However, when must be used in conjunction with become part of foreplay so it does
used without spermicide, the failure spermicide to be most effective. It not detract from the spontaneity.
rate can be as high as 15 per cent. must also be left in place for six Apart from a very small number
The diaphragm must be left in hours after sexua l intercourse. who are allergic to rubber, there is
place for at least six hours after Additional spermicide shou ld be nothing to. prevent most people from
sexual intercourse, but no longer inserted if sexual intercourse is using them . Condoms play an invalu-
than 24 hours. Additional spermicide repeated . Like the diaphragm, its able role in safer sex. Their use is
must be applied before intercourse main drawback is that it may detract particularly recommended with new
is repeated. from spontaneity as it needs to be or casual partners. Used consistently,
As the diaphragm is made of a fitted prior to intercourse. they are up to 98 per cent effecti ve.
118
r
Contraception
119
Quick Guide to Contraception
METHOD: The Combined Pill METHOD: Diaphragm/Cap
Risks· Risks:
)( Side-effects: mood swings, nausea, weIght gain, 1055 of )( Slight risk of toxic shock syndrome
libIdo, headaches )( Can Interrupt spontaneity of sexual intercourse
)( Increased risk of blood clots, especially in the overweight and )( Not as effective without the use of a spermicide
smokers aged over 35 Benefits:
)( Possible increased risk of cardiovascular disease, and liver. V Does not interfere with a woman's hormonal balance
breast and cervical cancer V Some protection against genital warts
Benefits: V Some protection against cervical cancer
V Highly effective as a contraceptive V Some protection against HIV and other sexually transmitted
V Protection against cancer of the ovaries and endometrium diseases, particularly when used with spermicide
V Lighter periods
V Reduced risk of ovarian cysts METHOD: Condom
Risks:
METHOD: The Mini-Pill )( It may break or tear during fntercourse
Risks: )( Can interrupt spontaneity of sexual Intercourse
)( Small increased (15k of ovarian cysts Benefits:
)( Less effective than the combined pill V Protects against HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases
)( Possible increased risk of breast cancer
Benefits: METHOD: The Sponge
V Possible protection against ovarian cancer RIsks:
V Side-effects are less severe than the combined pill )( Relatively hIgh failure rate
Benefits:
METHOD: Hormonal Implants V Once in place it can be left for 24 hours
Risks:
)( Complications have been reported in some women during METHOD: Vasectomy
insertion or removal of implants Risks:
)( Heavy, irregular or absent periods )( PsychologICal regret about loss of fertility
)( Weight gain )( Must generally be considered irreversible
Benefits: Benefits:
V Does not interrupt spontaneity of sexual intercourse V Freedom from fear of impregnating partner
V Provides effective contraception for up to five years or until
removed METHOD: Female Sterilization
Risks:
METHOD: Hormonal Injection )( Psychological regret about loss of fertility
Risks: )( Must generally be considered irreversible
)( Heavy, irregular or absent periods )( Some women experience heavier periods
)( Weight gain Benefits:
)( Delay in return of fertility V Freedom from fear of pregnancy
Benefits:
V Reduced risk of ovarian and endometrial cancer METHOD: Natural Family Planning
V RedLiced risk of ovarian cysts Risks:
V Does not interrupt spontaneity of sexual intercourse )( Without adequate tuition, motivatIon and commitment, this
is an unreliable form of birth control
METHOD: IUD Benefits:
Risks: V Morally acceptable for couples that don't want to use
)( Increased risk of PID and other pelvic infections artificial means of contraception
)( Increased risk of ectopic pregnancy V Gives better Insight of how a woman's body functions
)( Heavier periods in many users
Benefits: METHOD: Coitus Interruptus
V Very effective form of birth control Risks:
V Can be removed without delay in return of fertility )( Too unreliable
120
Contraception
On rare QccasiQns, the ends 'Of a NATURAL FAMILY will usually have to monitor these
vas deferens may rejQin sPQnta- PLANNING symptQms and signs 'Over several
neQusly, but usually a vasectomy is a (THE RHYTHM METHOD) cycles befQre she begins to recQgnize
highly effective fQrm 'Of birth CQntrol. Once an egg has been released at a pattern.
Reversal techniques using micrQ- QvulatiQn it can only survive fQr For example, follQwing ovulation
surgery are becQming increasingly arQund 24 hQurs. Sperm have a a woman's basal bQdy temperature
successful, but there is always the IQnger life span, bur conditiQns must rises by a very small amQunt and
risk that anti-sperm antibQdies will be suitable for them . About six days stays at this level until the onset 'Of
have been produced that will render befQre QvulatiQn, the cervix starts her next periQd. This slight change
the man infertile. VasecrQmy shQuld prQducing a special kind of mucus can 'Only be detected by a special
therefQre be cQnsidered irreversible that prQvides just the right kind of fertility thermometer, available from
and 'Only cQntemplated if the man is environment for the sperm . They chemists and family planning clinics.
sure he has cQmpleted his family. cannot live IQng withQut it, but when Her mucus als'O alrers, from scant,
it is present they can survive fQr up to sticky, white 'Or absent, ofren becQm-
Female Sterilization five days, lying in wait ready to fertil- ing mQre profuse, and usually chang-
Female sterilizatiQn is grQwing in ize the egg as SQQn as it is released. ing to a slippery and stretchy texture
PQPularity, particularly amQng thQse Natural family planning is abQut that may be clear 'Or slightly cloudy.
WQmen whQ have had children. It is a learning to recQgnize the changes in a Some women also experience pain or
mQre cQmplicated QperatiQn than a WQman's bQdy that indicate her discQmfort at the time 'Of 'Ovulation.
vasectQmy, and as it is usually carried fertile time. Then, unless the cQuple Careful monitoring of these vatiQus
'Out under general anaesthetic carries plan to have a baby, they can abstain signs shQuld pinpoint the fertile days.
a greater risk. It invQlves blQcking the from sex during those days or use a Natural family planning is a
FallQpian tubes, which carry eggs barrier method of contracepriQn. complicated prQcedure that requires
from the 'Ovaries tQ the uterus, by It may be the only QpriQn fQr mQtivatiQn, commirment and careful
cutting, cauterizing 'Or attaching clips cQuples whQ, for moral or religiQus observatiQn of the rules. WQmen
tQ them . This is nQrmally dQne via a reaSQns, chQose nQt tQ use artificial need tQ learn the CQrrect methQd
small incisiQn made in the IQwer means 'Of birth cQntrol. It can also be from a prQperly trained natural
abdQmen just abQve the pubic bQne. used by WQmen whQ want tQ feel family planning teacher before they
SterilizatiQn dQes nQt usually they are in tune with their bodies, 'Or use it as their only fQrm of birth
require an 'Overnight stay in the who do nQr find other merhQds 'Of cQntrQI. When practised cQnscien-
hQspital and its effect is immediate. birth cQntrol satisfactQry, or whQ are tiously it has a 97 per cent success
There may be SQme pain fQr a cQuple actively trying to get pregnant. rate, which CQmpares with the IUD
'Of days, whi le gas pumped intQ the There are various fQrms 'Of natural and hQrmonal cQntraceptiQn.
abdQmen during the QperatiQn gradu- family planning. The mQst widely
ally disperses. FQr many wQmen whQ practised is the symptQ-rhermal COITUS INTERRUPTUS/
have had children, sterilizatiQn methQd, which uses a combination 'Of WITHDRAWAL
remQves the fear 'Of pregnancy. It is factors tQ recognize the fertile stage. CQitus interruptus, alsQ knQwn as the
nQt recQmmended in yQunger wQmen These include changes in basal bQdy withdrawal method, is probably the
'Or thQse that have had nQ children. temperature (her temperature at rest, mQst widely used form of birth
SQme wQmen dQ experience heavier uwally taken SOQn after waking in CQntrol in the WQrld and also the
peri 'Ods after sterilizatiQn . Reversal is the mQrning), changes in cervical mQst unreliable. It invQlves with-
a CQstly and difficult process, and nQt mucus, and changes in the softness, drawing the penis from the vagina
always effective, thQugh there is a 40 firmness and position of the cervix. just priQr to ejaculatiQn. As a man's
tQ 80 per cent chance of success. Like Other signs include pain 'Or discom- pre-ejaculatory fluid can contain
male sterilization, it should on ly be fort in the back, lower abdQmen, or milliQns 'Of sperm, and accidents are
cQnsidered if a WQman is sure she has breasts. Such changes need tQ be unavoidable, this method has a very
cQmpleted her family. recQrded 'On a chart, and a woman high failure rate.
121
STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases)
Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) can have unpleasant and often serious consequences. The
world-wide spread of AIDS, a potentially fatal condition arising from a sexually transmitted disease,
has highlighted more than ever the need to avoid high-risk sexual practices. If you suspect that you
have caught a sexually transmitted disease, it is vital that you seek medical attention at the first
opportunity. With all STDs, the infected person should inform all known sexual partners so that
they too can be examined and receive the appropriate treatment.
Never ignore the symptoms of a common in pregnant women, diabet- Haemophylus dllcreyi. It is most
sexually transmitted disease. Most ics, and those using hormonal contra- often found in tropical countries,
STDs respond well to prompt treat- ceptives. Thrush can also be mainly through contact with prosti-
ment but delay can allow the disease contracted through sex, and every tutes, but is becoming more common
to spread and risks infertility, crip- year thousands of people with the in the West because of increased
pling side-effects and even death . condition visit STD clinics. international travel. There is an incu-
Medical aid is available from your Symptoms vary. In women, there bation period of up to one week
doctor or, if you prefer, at an STD or may be intense itching of the vulva, before a painful ulcer forms on the
GUM (genito-urinary medicine) with soreness, redness and swelling penis or near the entrance to the
clinic, where medical staff have around the vagina, vu lva o r anus. vagina. There may also be a painful
specialist knowledge. At such clinics, They may experience a burning swelling in the groin. If the disease is
treatment is confidential and visitors sensation duting sex, and when not treated, abscesses can form in the
can remain anonymous, if they wish. urinating, and some may notice groin which leave deep scars.
They will, however, be asked for the a thick, white, yeast-smelling Chancroid is usually treated with an
names of sexual partners who may be discharge, which has the consistency antibiotic such as erythromycin.
at risk, as the clinic will need to get of cottage cheese. Not all women
in touch with them to arrange treat- show this symptom, however. Chlamydia
ment. They will be contacted in strict In men, a rash may appear on the Chlamydia trachoma tis, a micro-
confidence. Below, in alphabetical penis and can occasionally spread to organism similar to a bacterium, is
order, are listed the most common the scrOtum. Some may notice a the most preva lent STD in the West.
sexually transmitted diseases. slight burning sensation on the penis It is one of the main ca uses of a
during or after sexual intercourse. disorder called non-specific urethritis,
Candidiasis (Thrush) Thrush can cause considerab le or NSU (see below) which can lead to
Candidiasis, or thrush, is a common discomfort, particularly in those who infertility. Chlamydia can be trans-
complaint. It is caused by a yeast-like are prone to recurrences. mitted by vaginal, ana l, or oral sex,
fungus called Candida albicalls that The condition is usually treated or it can be passed on to a baby
lives, usually quite harmlessly, in the with antifungal drugs, often as during childbirth.
mouth, intestinal tract and vagina. It creams or pessaries. The partner Men may experience a burning
is normally. kept under control by should be treated at the same time to sensation when urinating, a whitish
bacteria that also live in these loca- prevent re-infection. Other measures discharge from the urethra, and pain
tions. A warm, moist environment is may be needed such as wearing loose, and swelling of the testicles, but often
needed for the fungus to thrive, so natural clothing, and steri li zing there are no symptoms. In women,
the vagina makes an ideal home. underwear and towels. Women who symptoms are even less common but
Anything that alters conditions in use hormonal contraceptives may be some may notice ' pain or a burning
the vagina can tip the balance in advised to use an alternative form of sensation when urinating, or a
favour of the fungus and enable it to birth control. cloudy, white discharge.
multiply. Tight and confining cloth- If chlamydia remains undetected it
ing, illness, or antibiotics, which can Chancroid can spread through the reproductive
destroy the beneficial bacteria, may Chancroid is a sexually transmitted tract resulting in a potentially life-
trigger an outbreak. It is more disease caused by the bacterium threatening condition called pelvic
122
p
inflammatory disease (PID), itself a tions in the genitals. Sexual contact infected woman can transmit the
major cause of infertility. Chlamydia should be avoided during and just disease to her baby during childbirth.
is treated with antibiotics such as before an outbreak, as the condition Men are more likely than women to
tetracycline and erythromycin. is highly infectious at this time. There show symptoms. They may experi-
Partners should be treated at the is no cure for genital herpes, but anti- ence soreness or swelling at the tip of
same time, to avoid re-infection. viral drugs such as acyclovir can the penis , and a burning sensation
reduce the pain and speed up healing. when passing urine, often accompa-
Genital Herpes Genital herpes may playa part in nied by a milky discharge from the
Genital herpes is caused by the cervical cancer, so infected women urethra, fWo to ten days after infec-
Herpes simplex virus, which should be sure to have annual cervi- tion. The discharge may become
ptoduces painful blisters on or near cal smear tests. thicker, and yellowish in colour, and
the genitals. Herpes simplex occurs in sometimes contains traces of blood.
two main forms. The firsr, type [, Genital Warts Up to 60 per cent of infected
causes cold sores. It is type 1I that Genital warts are caused by the women have mild symptoms, or none
causes genital herpes. The latter form human papil/omavirus, which is at all. They may urinate more often,
is usually transmitted by sexual sexually transmitted. The warts are and urination may be painful. There
contact, including oral sex, and can soft and dry, and greyish-pink in may be a watery, yellow or greenish
enter the body through the mucous colour. Usually painless, they are discharge from the urethra. If the
membranes, or thtough tiny tears in found on or near the genitals and cervix has been infecred, there may
the skin. It is very infectious and the anus. There is an incubation period be vaginal discharge and abnormal
risk of catching the disease greatly of six to eight weeks after exposure. menstrual bleeding.
increases if an individual has multiple The virus is transmitted by direct Gonorrhoea is a common cause of
sexual partners. contact with the warts, although the infertility and can lead to pelvic
There is an incubation period of virus has also been found in semen. inflammatory disease (PID). [n a few
three to six days, followed by the Like genital herpes , genital warts cases, the infection can spread
appearance of a group of small, have been linked with cervical cancer, through the bloodstream, causing
painful blisters on or near the geni- so yearly cervical smears are advis- conditions as diverse as arthritis, skin
tals. These blisters bteak open and able for affected women. rashes, and septicaemia, and even
then heal, over a period of 10 to 20 Genital warts may be destroyed by leading to brain damage and death,
days. The initial attack of genital caustic chemicals, such as in severe cases. The disease is easily
herpes is usually accompanied by podophyllin, or by laser surgery, or treated with penicillin antibiotics (or
symptoms such as fever, headaches, liquid nitrogen. As the virus remains suitable alternatives, for those aller-
muscular pain and itching. Further in the tissues, however, genital warts gic to such drugs) and, as with all
outbreaks will usually cause a recur- tend to recur. Even when warts are STDs, sexual partners must be
rence of the blisters. not present, affected people should contacted so they can receive treat-
Once a person has become use condoms to avoid transmitting ment as well.
infected the virus is with them for the virus to partners.
life, although up to 20 per cent only Hepatitis
have one attack. For the rest, the Gonorrhoea ("The Clap") Hepatitis is a serious and potentially
flare-ups usually grow steadily less Gonorrhoea is an infection caused by fatal disease in which the liver
intense over time . Various factors can the bacterium Neisseria gOl1orrhoea. becomes badly inflamed, leading to
cause outbreaks, including stress, It is one of the most common sexu- serious tissue damage. [t can be
anxiety, depression, or illness. Some ally transmitted diseases and is found caused by alcohol abuse, drugs,
people are able to anticipate an principally among teenagers and poisons, chemicals, and certain
attack, two or three days beforehand, young adults who have several sexual viruses. Of the different forms of
when they notice symptoms such as partners. It can be passed on during viral hepatitis, the two most common
tingling, itching, or burning sensa- vaginal, anal, or oral sex, and an are hepatitis A and B. Type A is
123
Sexually Transmitted Diseases
usually caught from contaminated rare or relatively harmless among Those who suspect they may have
food or water. Hepatitis B is mainly non-AIDS sufferers, but life-threaren- HIV, especia ll y people in high-risk
passed on during sex, or via contami- ing in those with impaired immune categories, can have a blood test to
nated needles, particularly among systems. determine whether they have been
drug users. The rate at which HIV progresses infected. This test detects whether the
It has an incubation period of to AIDS is hi ghly variable. Some body has developed antibodies to try
a few weeks to several months. people develop AIDS within months, to fight the disease. Those found to
Sufferers may have a flu-like illness, while others have milder symptoms have developed antibodies are said to
with nausea and vomiting, followed for years, a condition known as ARC be HIV-positive. A negative result
by jaundice. Some carriers, however, (AIDS-related complex ). They may means either that individuals do not
show no symptoms and yet are still have periods of good health, inter- have the virus, or that their body has
be able to infect others. Up to ten per spersed with periods of illness. Some not yet made antibodies, which take
cent of sufferers go on to develop the infected people show no symptoms twO to rhree months to develop. If
chronic, or long-term, form of the and yet are capable of infecting you're considering having an HIV
disease resulting in steadily increasing others. It can take up to ten years or resr it is vita l that you first ger
liver damage. more for the symptoms of full-blown specialist counselling to help yo u
There is no specific trearmenr, AIDS to develop. understand the imp lications if the
other than bed rest, a good diet, and HIV is easily killed outside the result is posirive.
anti-inflammatory drugs. However, body and there is no known risk At present there is no vaccine
there is a vaccine against hepatitis B through ordinary social contact, such against HIV and no cure for HIV or
which is recommended for anyone at as hugging, sharing a meal, or using AIDS, though symptoms and compli-
particular risk, including those with another person's cups, cutlery, or cations can often be rreat'ed with
multiple sexual partners (homosexual crockery. The main risk is through antibiorics, anti-cancer drugs and
or heterosexual), intravenous drug the exchange of body fluids. This is radiotherapy. Anti-viral drugs such as
users, health care workers, and rela- why HlV can be passed on through AZT (zidovudine) and acyclovir may
tives of carriers. all forms of penetrative sex, espe- reduce the speed at which AIDS
cially if there are cuts, tears, or sores develops.
HI VIA IDS in the vagina or anus, or on the penis To reduce the risk of HIV infec-
HIV (human immunodeficiency or cervix. tion, individuals sho uld practise safer
virus) is a disease that is most often There is a greater risk if a person sex if they are unsure of a partner's
transmitted through unprotected has already contracted genita l herpes sexual history. This means finding
sexual intercourse and by sharing or warts. While HIV is present in all safer alternatives to penetrative sex,
needles and syringes among intra- body fluids of an infected person, such as murual masturbation, or
venous drug users. HIV can attack particularly in semen, vagina l fluids using condoms or other forms of
rhe brain directly, but most often it and blood, the risk of transmission in larex barrier. This applies both to
targets white blood cells ca lled T-4 saliva is considered to be minimal. casual sex, and sex with long-term
cells, which are vital to the body's Mothers can transmit HIV to their partners who might previously have
immune system. babies, ar birth or through breast- been at risk of acqui rin g HIV.
Over a period of time, the immune feeding. In the past, HIV has been Intravenous drug users should never
system is so badly impaired rhat the contracted thr ough contaminated share needles and syr inges.
body becomes vulnerable to a range blood and blood products, but this
of opportunistic infections and risk is now negligible in the West, NsU
cancers. This larrer, potentially fatal, with the introduction of screening NSU (or non-specific urethritis) is
stage is called AIDS (acquired and heat treatment of donor blood. inflammation of the urethra, rhe rube
immune deficiency syndtome). Some Health workers can be at risk through which urine passes out of the
of these illnesses, such as Karposi's through accidental injury with a body, due to causes other than
sarcoma or Pneumocystis carinii, are contaminated needle. gonorrhoea. It is a fairly common
124
Sexually Transmitted Diseases
comp laint. The main symptom is Syphilis lie dormant for rwenty years or more.
pain when urinating, which is some- Syphi li s, a sexual ly transmitted Symptoms may recur in some suffer-
times, but not a lwa ys, accompa ni ed disease caused by the bacterium ers. The tertiary phase is very serious
by a discharge. There can be over 70 Treponema pallidul1l, was introduced and usually involves destruction of
causes of NSU, the mOst com mon into Europe from North America tissues and internal organs, such as
being chl amydia (see previous page) during the late ') 5th century. It soon damage to the heart, blood vessels,
and trichomonas (see below) in fec- reached epidemic proportions, caus- nervous system, and brain, resulting
tion. It is usua ll y sexua ll y transmitted. ing many deaths. Syph ili s continued in heart disease, mental disorders,
Treatment can be difficult unless to sp read in the following centuries, paralysis, and death.
the disease responsible is identified. a lth o ug h its virulence abated. The Syphilis is usually identified with a
This is usually done by taking discovery of penicillin in the J 940s blood test. The disease can be tackled
samp les from the opening of the brought it under control. effectively with penicillin or other
urethra, or by exami nin g a urine The bacterium enters the body anti biotics, although 50 per cent of
sa mpl e (usuall y taken in the morning via broken skin or the mucous infected people suffer a severe reac-
when there is the highest buildup of membranes, in a nd around the tion to treatment as the body
organisms). The choice of med ication mouth, genita ls and anus . It is highly responds to the death of large
depends on the underlying cause, contagious and can be passed on by numbers of bacteria.
although it is mOSt likely to be cured any intimate contact, including pene-
by a ntibiotics. Pa rtn ers of those with trative sex, oral sex, and even kissing. Trichomoniasis
NSU shou ld also be treated to avoid Unlike with mOSt other STDs, Trichomoniasis (TV) is an infection
re-infection. cond oms do not give tota l protection caused by a sin gle-celled parasite, or
against syp hili s. protozoon, ca lled Trichomonas vagi-
Pubic Lice ("Crabs") The disease has four stages: na/is. This highly infectious micro-
Pubic lice, Phthiris pubis, are a para- primary, secondary, latent and organism is a common cause of
sitic form of in sect. They are more tertiary. During the primary stage, vaginitis, or inflammation of the
commo nl y known as crabs because the first symptoms of syphi lis appear vagina, and is a lm ost exclusively
of th e crab- like claws by which they after an in c ub at ion period of just transmitted sexua ll y.
attach themselves to hairs. They are under a month. A small, painless Symptoms, if any, starr between
most likely to infest the pubic region, ulcer will appear at the site of trans- four days and three weeks after
but they can be found o n a ll body mission, usually around the genitals sexual contact and can show as a
hairs - eve n the eyeb rows. They do or anus, but sometimes the lips, thin vaginal discharge that is yellow
not usually infest the sca lp. throat or fingers. This ulcer usually or green, and frothy, and usually has
Crabs are mainly sp read by sex ual disappears after six weeks. an offens ive smell. In add ition, some
co nt act, though they can a lso be The second ary stage usually occurs women may experience vagina l pain
ca ug ht from infested bedding or up to three months after initial infec- and itching, especially during sexual
clothing, or from lavatOry seats. The tion. It is marked by a variety of intercourse. The e symptom usually
eggs are laid at the base of the pubic sy mptoms, the most common being a worsen during or after menstruation.
hairs a nd hatc h abo ut a week later. sk in rash, but there may be fever, Many women, however, suffer no
Pubic lice puncture the sk in to feed hea d ac hes, sore throat, swo ll en symptoms at all.
on blood, which causes the intense lymph nodes, aches and pains, loss of Men don't usually show symp-
itching and irritation. Treatment is hai r, a nd pink patches may appear on toms, a lth ough a few may notice a
with insecticide lotion , avai lab le on the skin. [n some cases, there may be s li ght discharge and find urinating
prescription or from the pharmacist, meningitis (inflammati on of the painful. The condition usually
applied to infected a reas. Partn ers membranes surrounding the brain), responds to treatment with the
should a lso be trea ted to avoid re- eye infection, or kidney problems. anti protozoal drug metronidazole.
infection, and clothes a nd bedding If untreated, the sufferer enters the The sexual partner shou ld also be
should be washed in very hot water. latent period, when symptoms may treated to avoid re-infection.
125
Index
adventurous positions 64-75 ejaculation 59 impotence 111-12
AIDS 124 premature 112-13 IUDs 117, 119, 120
anal intercourse 8-9, 10 erection 111-12 Kama Sutra 64-5
arousal 22-3 expressing sexuality 46-55 kissing 9-10,16-18
126
Index
oral contraceptive pill 116-17, 120 safer sex 6-11 therapy 83, 106-7
oral sex 9, 26-31 semen 28, 30 thrush 122
orgasm 56-7 sensate focus 106-1 5 toes 22
difficulties 114-5 sensual play 16-25 tongue teasing 96
masturbation 76-7 sex toys 9 touch 106
oral sex 28-9, 31 sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) trichomoniasis 125
6,122-5
passion 102-5 sirnulraneous orgasm 62-3 underwear 85-7
penis sitting positions 35, 54, 55, 70-4 undressing 12-15
condoms 10-11 sixty-nine 30-1
erection 111-12 skin teasing 94-7 vagina 22
masturbation 78. 80-1 spermicides 117-18 vaginismus 115
squeeze technique 112-13 sponges 119, 120 vasectomy 119-21
touching 25 spontaneous sex 100-5 vibrators 99
pregnancy 38, 116 squatting positions 52-3 vulva 81
premature ejaculation 112-13 squeeze technique 112-13
problems 106-15 standing positions 64-5, 101-2 warts, genital 123
rear-entry sex 69-70, 82 sterilization 119-21 withdrawal method 121
resolution 63 strip-tease fantasy 84-7 woman-on-top position 34, 46-53
restraint 68;97-8, 99 syphilis 125
rhythm method 121
"rimming" 11, 19 teasing 94-7
127
NOTES
-PLEASURE-SATISFACTION-EXPLORATIO N -
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P RAe TIC A L HAN 0 BOO K o
::
THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO ::
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SEXUAL FULFILMENT z
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ISBN 1- 84038-801-3
9 781840 388015
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