Anna McManus 2022

GUY FIERI AT HIS MOM’S WAKE

(OPEN ON: GUY, WALKING THROUGH HALLWAY,

DRESSED IN UNIFORM, CAMERA FOLLOWING

HIM)

GUY:

(TO CAMERA)

79 years ago, my grandparents did

it and my mom was born. My mom’s

been smoking since she was 14, and

last Tuesday, the smoking stopped,

but so did her heart.

(WALKS INTO FUNERAL)

I’m Guy Fieri and tonight we’re

rolling out to my mom’s wake! This

is Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.

(GUESTS DRESSED IN BLACK, QUIET ROOM)

(LONG TABLE COVERED IN FOOD)

GUY:

(APPROACHES TABLE)

Mom’s sisters were in charge of the

food, and if this is anything like

Thanksgiving of ‘89, we’re in luck.

(ALL OTHER GUESTS GLARING, CONFUSED)

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GUY:

This right here is Aunt Junie’s

green bean casserole. Now, I

wouldn't touch it as a kid, but I’m

not a kid anymore.

(SCOOPS FOOD ON TO PLATE, EAT)

Ladies and gentlemen, that right

there is the bom.com.

(MOVING ON)

This is Uncle Jay’s baked ziti and…

(EATS STRAIGHT FROM PAN WITH FORK)

That’s a home run buddy.

GUEST:

(WALKS UP TO GUY, SYMPATHETIC)

Guy, I can make you a plate if you

want.

GUY:

I’m good! These meatballs are

screaming-hot! That’ll burn your

nose hairs clean off.

(EATS)

GUEST 2:

Ya’know Guy, we don’t have to film

right now, really.

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GUY:

(SWEATING, CRYING)

GUEST 2:

If you need some time to process–

GUY:

No worries, it’s just the

meatballs!

Now, this watermelon was sliced and

diced by…

(TURNS, SHOUTS)

Who brought this watermelon?

GUEST 3:

(WALKS OVER)

GUY:

Cousin Katherine, I should’ve

known.

(EATS WATERMELON)

Shut the front door. Cat, where’d

you get this?

COUSIN KATHERINE:

(AWKWARDLY)

Well, I got it from the farmer’s

market this morning. I like to go

early to get the good ones.

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GUY:

That right there is on another

level. Let’s see what everyone else

thinks about tonight’s killer

cuisine.

(WALKS UP TO TABLE)

This is Mom’s second husband Stu.

Stu, how’d you like the rhubarb

pie?

STU:

(DISTRAUGHT AND CONFUSED)

…It was good.

GUY:

You can put that on a pillow?

(GOES TO YOUNG COUPLE, MAN

CONSOLING THE CRYING WOMAN)

This is my niece Maria and her

boyfriend Alex. Maria, what’d you

think about that shrimp platter?

MARIA:

(LOOKS UP AT HIM, OFFENDED)

GUEST 3:

Guy, I think it’s time for you to

say goodbye to your mom.

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GUY:

(QUIETLY, AGREEABLE)

Yeah…

(WALKS UP TO CASKET)

Mom, I love you. May you rest in

Flavortown. Goodbye, but before you

go, you’ve gotta try this

Snickerdoodle!

(PUTS COOKIES IN BODY’S MOUTH)

GUESTS:

(ANNOYED)

That’s enough Guy.

Okay, it’s over.

We’re done here.

GUY:

(TO CAMERA)

That’s it for tonight folks. See

you next time on Diners, Drive-Ins,

and Dives!

(OUTRO MUSIC, END)