CHRISTENING CRASHERS

(OPEN ON: TWO MEN IN SUITS (NOT BLACK),

TALKING QUIETLY IN THE LOBBY OF A

CHURCH)

DAVE:

(TO JOEY)

Okay, we go in, say a few hellos,

get some food, and get the hell

out.

JOEY:

I’ve never been to a Catholic mass

before!

DAVE:

(SHORT)

Just stand when everyone stands and

sit when everyone sits. It’s not

that hard.

(SEES POSTER)

Oh, here, here.

(DAVE, JOEY WALK OVER TO POSTER)

(POSTER: WELCOME, ANGEL, CROSS, PICTURE

OF BABY, BABY LAYLA WRITTEN IN CURSIVE)

DAVE:

(READING)
 Okay, baby Layla.

JOEY:

Baby Layla.

DAVE:

She’s cute.

JOEY:

Yeah, she’s cute…

Oh look, (POINTS) she’s crawling!

(THEY WALK INTO MAIN ROOM/CHURCH, FULL,

EVERYONE DRESSED IN BLACK)

DAVE, JOEY:

(TO STRANGERS, SHAKING HANDS

QUICKLY, MOVING TOWARDS FRONT OF

ROOM, PICKING UP HEAPS OF FOOD)

Hey nice to see you.

How are the kids?

Did you lose weight?

Where’s the missus?

(NO ONE RESPONDS, OFFENDED)

(DAVE, JOEY MEET AT FRONT OF CHURCH,

HANDS AND MOUTHS FULL FOOD)

DAVE:

(JOKING, SHAKING JOEY’S HAND,

STRUGGLING WITH FOOD)

 Nice to meet you, how you doing?

JOEY:

How you doin, how’s the missus?

(BOTH LAUGH)

(TURN TO FRONT, FREEZE, SHOCKED)

(A TINY CASKET IN IN THE FRONT,

SURROUNDED BY FLOWERS)

DAVE:

This is not a christening.

(EVERYONE BEHIND THEM LOOKING AT THEM)

(DAVE TURNS TO FACE THEM, SLOWLY, JOEY

STILL STARING AT CASKET)

DAVE:

Ohh!

(SMILES AWKWARDLY, PANICKING)

The wedding isn’t until next

weekend!

(AWKWARD)

Who invited these guys, right?

(EVERYONE ELSE FURIOUS)

DAVE:

(TO JOEY)

Joey, c’mon, we gotta go.

JOEY:
Already?

DAVE:

C’mon!

JOEY:

I’m not leaving, we just got here.

DAVE:

What are you talking about?

JOEY:

Excuse me, if I could get

everyone’s attention.

(ALREADY HAS)

My friend and I are a bit confused.

FUNERAL ATTENDANT:

You think?

JOEY:

Some of you may not know us, but

baby…(BLANKING)

DAVE:

(WHISPERS)

Layla

JOEY:

–Layla, smiled at me in the grocery

store. Layla was the baby that made

me want to be a father.
 LAYLA’S MOTHER:

(TOUCHED)

JOEY:

Her little giggle and her big…

brown…

MOTHER:

(NODS, CRYING)

JOEY:

Her big brown eyes inspired me. So

when I saw the invitation for today

blowing by, at that same grocery

store, it felt like a sign from…

from God.

MOTHER:

(SOBS LOUDLY)

FATHER:

(TEARY-EYED)

That is beautiful.

DAVE:

Yes, yes

(CATCHING ON, SMILING)

And her thick, dark hair–

(EVERYONE OBJECTS QUIETLY)

FATHER:
 She died of leukemia, jackass!

JOEY:

Don’t mind my friend, he’s a little

uncomfortable. He’s never been to a

Catholic mass before (SMILING)

DAVE:

(AWKWARDLY)

Oy vey.

(EVERYONE ANNOYED)

JOEY:

We are so sorry for any disruption

we may have caused. Today should be

about Layla, so we’ll be on our

way.

(DAVE, JOEY START TO LEAVE)

MOTHER:

Wait! Stay, please. There’s–

(STRUGGLING BETWEEN CRIES)

There’s a lunch after the burial if

you wanna come, uh–

JOEY:

Joey

MOTHER:

(SMILES)
 Joey.

DAVE:

(SMILES AT JOEY)

Yes, we would love to!

FATHER:

She was talking to him.

(POINTS TO JOEY)

JOEY:

I would love to.

MAN:

(AT THE HEAD OF ROOM, BY CASKET)

Who will be doing the honor of

carrying Layla to the cemetery?

MOTHER:

(TURNS TO JOEY)

Joey, would you do it?

(JOEY SMILES, DAVE STUNNED)

(JOEY HOLDS CASKET, WALKS OUT, FOLLOWED

BY PARENTS AND FAMILY, DAVE IN THE BACK,

NOT FOLLOWING, STILL IN SHOCK)