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TODDLERS: FAMILY LIFE
Handling Sibling Fights – suitable for 2-8
yrs old
Key points
 Fighting happens when disagreements
become physically or verbally
aggressive.
 There are four basic steps to handling
fights – step in when needed, keep
calm, make a time to talk, and apply
consequences fairly.
 Use fights as an opportunity to help
children learn problem-solving skills.
 It helps to stay calm when your
children fight.
About children fighting
Fighting among children happens when
disagreements become aggressive – for
example, when they get physical or involve
shouting, hitting, nasty remarks or name-
calling. Children are still learning to control
their emotions, so strong disagreements and
fights aren’t unusual.
Sibling fights: when to step in
Sometimes it works to stand back from a
disagreement, because this gives children
the chance to sort it out for themselves.
But when a disagreement becomes a fight,
you need to break it up before someone gets
hurt. Children are still learning how to react to
their emotions, so it can be hard for them to
step away without adult help.
If your children fight, try to use the opportunity
to help them learn skills for avoiding
fights and solving problems. This can help to
prevent fights in future.
Preventing sibling fights: eight tips
1. Look after each child’s needs
Your children need to feel that you love
and value them all equally – this way, they
won’t feel they have to compete for your
affection and attention. You can foster these
feelings by:
 spending special time with each child
regularly
 giving plenty of hugs and smiles to
everyone
 trying not to compare children with
each other.
It can also help if children have some special
things of their own that they don’t have to
share with siblings. A little bit of private space
– even just a drawer that siblings can’t get
into – is a good idea too.
And children will feel valued if you make it
clear that it’s not OK for younger children to
mess up older children’s activities, and vice
versa. It can help to create space or time for
children to do things without their siblings.
2. Set clear family rules
Rules let children know what’s OK and what’s
not. If you have family rules in place, it’s
easier for you to remind children of how you
expect them to treat each other.
Here are some tips for making rules work:
 Involve children in setting up rules.
When children have helped to make
the rules, they’re more likely to
remember and respect them.
 Write rules that include positive
statements about how you want to
treat each other – for example, ‘We
use a polite voice when we speak to
others’.
 Put a copy of your house rules on the
fridge or somewhere everyone can see
them.
 Follow through every time children
bend or break the rules. Start with a
friendly reminder – ‘Remember, you
need to speak nicely to each other’.
Then give another chance. If children
still break the rules, use an
agreed consequence.
3. Set up routines

It’s much easier to handle disagreements
about everyday things when you have
a family routine. It means that everyone
knows whose turn it is to choose a movie,
who does what chores and on what days, and
who’s first in line for the PlayStation,
trampoline or bathroom, and so on.
A sample routine might look like this:
 Television: Samantha chooses the
program from 6.30-7 pm. Jake
chooses from 7.30-8 pm (after
Samantha has gone to bed).
 Games: Jake chooses on Saturdays,
Samantha chooses on Sundays.
 Bathroom: Jake uses the bathroom
first in the morning, then Samantha.
 Chores: Samantha and Jake take it in
turns to do the chores – garbage duty
one week, drying the dishes the next
week.
4. Catch them being good
This means noticing and giving positive
feedback to your children when they’re
behaving well. When you tell children
clearly and specifically what they’re doing
well, you’re much more likely to see that
behaviour again.
Here are some examples of clear and
specific praise and encouragement:
 ‘I really like the way you’re both taking
turns on the trampoline.’
 ‘You’re all sharing and playing really
nicely together.’
 ‘Hey, you worked out that problem
really well. How about we celebrate
with a movie tonight?’
5. Show children how to get along
You are your children’s number-one role
model. Your children will notice if you work
out differences without fighting.
If you want your children to work things out
calmly and respectfully, they need to see you
doing this. If you want them to be able to say
sorry to others, they need to see you
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apologizing too. It’s also helpful for children to
see respectful differences of opinion. This
helps them understand that not everyone will
see things the same way, and that’s OK.
6. Coach your children
You are your children’s problem-solving
coach. You teach them how to handle
disagreements and guide them towards skills
for managing angry feelings, negotiating
and playing fair. This is better than being a
referee who breaks up fights or steps in when
they’re brewing.
Here are some tips for coaching your
children in problem-solving:
 Give your children opportunities to play
with others. Playgroups, playdates and
games help children learn to play well
together and practise positive
alternatives to fighting.
 Step in with ideas as soon as you see
that children are finding it hard to work
things out. For example, ‘Remember to
share’, or ‘Can you think of a way that
you can both have a turn?’
 Talk things over later. With older
children, working out a blame-free
solution afterwards will make the fight
less likely to happen again. For
example, ‘How could you have
handled it so that both of you got to
use the tablet?’
 Help children find ways to express
upset or angry feelings through calm
words or positive activities. For
example, water play, painting and
playdough help younger children
express feelings. Older children might
find that kicking a ball or playing music
helps.
 Teach and model the social skill of
‘respectful disagreeing’. This involves
saying something that you can both
agree on, then saying what you don’t
agree on. For example, ‘I agree that
Grandma gave you the book for your
birthday, but I don’t think it’s fair to
stop your sister reading it if she asks
politely’.

7. Cool down fighting hot spots
It can help to think ahead about how
to handle fights in tricky situations. In some
cases it might help to explain that if fighting
breaks out, you’ll remove a treat or privilege
(or whatever your family rules say). But it’s
also a good idea to set things up so that there
are fewer opportunities for children to fight.
Here are some ideas to help you plan for
common fighting hot spots.
At home
 Make sure there are enough toys for
everyone, so children can play
together without always having to take
turns.
 If you’re organising playdates, try
inviting a friend for each of your
children, or organising for one child to
go somewhere else if the other is
having a friend over.
 Have children play close to you so you
can step in quickly if disagreements
turn into fights – especially for children
under five years.
 Distract children or change the
environment if you sense a fight
coming. For example, suggest a new
game, join in yourself for a while, take
the children outside to play, or read a
book with a child on either side of you.
 If you need to make a phone call, set
children up with an activity (or two
separate activities) that will keep them
interested.
At the supermarket
 Create a special rule. For example,
‘No fights at the supermarket means
we’ll go to the park after we get home’.
 Ask children to hold onto opposite
sides of the shopping trolley. Or send
them to opposite ends of the aisle to
choose grocery items.
 Give each of your children a job. For
example, one could hold the list and
read each item, and the other could
get the items off the shelf.
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 If supermarket fights are very bad, see
whether you can leave one of the
children with a friend or family member
while you shop.
Out and about
 Distract children if you sense a fight
coming. For example, a game like ‘I
spy’ can work at the supermarket, the
beach, on public transport or in the
car.
 On public transport, park yourself or a
pram between children.
In the car
 If there’s a spare seat in the back, sit
children on either side of it. Or put a
grown-up or older child between the
children most likely to fight.
 If your oldest child is old enough, put
them in the front seat. Keep in mind
that it’s illegal to allow children under
four to travel in the front seat, and
there are legal requirements for car
travel for children under seven.
Always pull over if a fight breaks out while
you’re driving. Turning around to talk to
children or separate them takes your
attention off the road.
8. Let children work it out sometimes
With your help, children can learn to work out
disagreements by themselves, without
fighting. This can help your children get along
better and deal positively with conflicts with
other children.
Here are some tips for helping your children
work things out:

 Let children go if they’re trying to
work things out. Talking, debating and
even arguing are all signs that children
are trying to work things out. Add
some enthusiastic feedback about the
way they’re interacting. For example,
‘Hey, I'm really proud of the way you’re
trying to work this out on your own’.
 Give some tips. A few well-placed
suggestions might be all children need.
For example, ‘Do you think that’s the
best tone of voice right now?’ or
‘Remember to be fair and take turns.
Whose turn was it last?’
 Give friendly reminders about house
rules, what you expect and what will
happen if a fight breaks out. For
example, ‘Remember we all speak
nicely’, or ‘Remember what happens if
you don’t keep your hands and feet to
yourself’.
Sometimes disagreements about a screen or
a favorite toy seem to turn into name-calling
and arguing straight away. If this sounds like
your situation, you might want to start the
reminders and coaching as soon as the
screen is turned on or the toy comes out.
Breaking up sibling fights: steps
Here’s what to do when a fight breaks out:
1. Stop the fight before the crying
starts. This might require physically
separating your children, or sending
them to opposite sides of the room to
settle down.
2. Keep your cool. This might sound
impossible, but the idea is not to make
things worse. Try to save your energy
for giving positive feedback on
behaviour that you want to encourage.
3. Tell children you’ll talk about it
later. Children are often too upset to
take in what you’re saying at first. Wait
until things cool down before you talk
about the issue. This could even be
the next day with older children.
4. Apply fair consequences for fighting to
all children, if your family uses
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consequences. For example, if your
children are fighting over a toy, make
sure neither child gets the toy after a
fight.
Handling sibling fights constructively: tips
These tips can make it easier to cool things
down when sibling fights break out:
 Treat all children fairly. But
remember that fair treatment isn’t
necessarily the same treatment. For
example, it might not be possible to
treat a six-year-old and a three-year-
old the same.
 Avoid negative comparisons. Saying
something like, ‘You should have
known better because you’re older’ or
‘You’re the troublemaker’ can make a
child feel even more hurt or resentful.
 Identify the cause of fighting. This
helps you work out the best thing to
do. For example, if a child has pushed
a sibling and taken their toy, you need
to step in. If you don’t, the child learns
that fighting is a way to get what you
want. Keeping an eye on your children
is the secret to knowing the reason for
the fighting – and deciding on the right
way to deal with it.
 Use family rules to make expectations
about behaviour clear. You can remind
your children of the relevant family rule
and follow through consistently with
consequences.
 Have a plan. This means thinking
about how you’ll handle small
disagreements as well as big fights.
For example, you can help children
work out small disagreements
together, but you might decide to use
consequences for fights involving
physical violence, or for fights that
happen after you’ve all agreed on a
solution to a problem.
Problem-solving after a sibling fight: steps
for older children
What you do after a fight can help school-age
children learn how to solve their own
problems in the future. For best results, wait

until tempers have cooled and children are
ready to reason again. Then follow these
steps.
1. Let children know what you plan to
do. For example, ‘I’ve decided that
neither of you should use the computer
until we can find a way to stop the
fighting. Do you understand? Are you
willing to work on solving the problem
now?’
2. Ask both children to say what they
think the problem is. Encourage
them to try to see it from the other
person’s point of view as well as their
own. You could tell them that two
people might still disagree even when
they both have valid points of view.
You might need to remind them to
listen to each other before talking.
3. Ask both children to say what they
want to happen. You can also help
them think about their expectations.
For example, ‘Tegan, is it fair for you
to have the computer all the time?’
4. Brainstorm together. Let the children
go wild with ideas on how to solve the
problem, and encourage them without
judging their ideas. Throw in some
ideas of your own, and write them all
down.
5. Rate the ideas. Start by asking the
children to think of which ideas won’t
work. Then look for the solution with
the most benefits and the least
drawbacks. For example, ‘Does
anyone think this might work?’ ‘What
would be good (or bad) about this?’
6. If you can’t come up with a solution at
first, come back later. You can ask
the children to go away and work out
some ideas together, or ask other
people who have had similar
problems. Or you might look for ideas
in parenting books or websites.
7. Once you’ve all agreed on an
approach, try the solution and see
how it goes. Start again if things don’t
improve.
Handling your own emotions
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Staying calm can really help when children
are fighting. If it’s safe and you don’t need to
step in immediately, it can help to stop,
count to 10, and then act.
That extra 10 seconds is often enough to
calm your emotions. If this doesn’t help, you
might want to ask another adult to handle
things while you take some time out.
When to seek help for sibling fighting
If your children are very aggressive or nasty
towards each other a lot of the time, it’s time
to seek help.
This kind of fighting can be very distressing
for children and can lead to future problems
with relationships. So if you’re concerned
about how your children behave when they
disagree, it’s best to speak to a
professional. Start by talking with your
child’s GP.
Sometimes children’s fighting is caused by a
condition like attention deficit hyperactivity
disorder (ADHD), which makes it hard for
children to manage their behaviour. If you’re
worried about your children’s behaviour more
generally, it’s also a good idea to talk with a
professional.
And if you’re feeling overwhelmed or
stressed by fighting, it’s worth getting
support. You could start by talking to family,
friends and other parents.