The Importance of Assertiveness 53

win negotiation a win-lose contest, which isn’t good for either

side—particularly for the one with the weakest negotiating hand.
So do whatever you can to diffuse anger. Never tell another person,
‘‘Don’t be angry.’’ Instead, encourage the person to tell you what’s
angering her.
There are some things to do with an angry person:

Listen. Maybe the person has a right to be angry.

Don’t argue, even if that is what the person wants. A person’s
feelings are neither right nor wrong. Perhaps the other person’s
self-esteem is in the Dumpster. Compliment him whenever pos-
sible.
Ask open-ended questions—not yes/no questions—to uncover
the reason for the person’s anger.
Demonstrate empathy. Use the reflective listening technique of
occasionally paraphrasing the other person’s words.
If you’re in the wrong, admit it!
Encourage cheerfulness, and use light humor whenever pos-
sible.

But the other side isn’t always the angry party. You may be the
angry one. If you feel you’re in danger of really exploding in anger,
consider these suggestions:

Go for a walk by yourself to get away from the problem for a

while. That separation may clear the way for more constructive,
positive thinking.
Write an angry letter—but don’t send it. Writing the letter will
get the anger out of your system without hurting anybody. It
will also force you to clarify your complaint.
Then write a calmer, more rational letter. Either send it to the
person who angers you or use the act of writing as a rehearsal
for facing the individual in person.

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