Junie B.

in
Jingle Bells, Batman Smells!
a play by Allison Gregory

adapted from the book series by Barbara Park

©Copyright September 2008

Revised/School Draft 8.1.11
for South Coast Repertory
Contact:
Allison Gregory
206.310.1870
algalintexas@gmail.com
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CAST
3 females, 4 males

Junie B. Jones...............a first grader

May..............................a classmate

Lucille...........................a rich kid AND

Elf Ellen........................a volunteer parent

Mr. Scary......................the teacher

Herb..............................Junie B.’s best friend

José..............................a classmate AND

Mr. Toot........................the choral teacher

Sheldon.........................a classmate
Philip Jonny Bob............a stuffed elephant

6 females, 1 male

SET
The play takes place in several locations, moving swiftly from one to the next. These locales include:
Room One (the classroom);
the auditorium stage for Columbus play;
the auditorium stage for sing-a-long;
Junie B.’s bedroom;
the media room/gym/holiday gift shop.
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SET ORDER
Room One (the classroom);
the auditorium stage for Columbus play;
Room One (the classroom);
the auditorium stage for sing-a-long;
ACT II
Room One (the classroom);
the media room/gym/holiday gift shop.
Junie B.’s bedroom;
the media room/gym/holiday gift shop.
Junie B.’s bedroom;
Room One (the classroom);

The momentum of the story should never have to wait on a set change; furniture should be suggestive,
and kept to a minimum.

TIME
The holiday season, the present.
 Page 4

ACT ONE

Room One
Music Cue #1
Junie in the “window”
Lights rise on Junie B. Jones. She clutches her journal and stands in a
pool of light-- her “journal light”. She addresses the audience.
Projection of her “writing”
JUNIE B
Tuesday. Dear First Grade journal. Yay! Yay! Hooray! Today is the
last week before winter break! Winter break is the school word for I gotta
get out of this place, I tell you. ‘Cause blabbermouth May is tattletailing
on me every day almost! That’s how come yesterday I chased her down
on the playground. And I threw grass on her head. It was very fun. Except
I hope Santa did not see me do that. That guy watches me like a hawk this
time of year.
From Junie B., First Grader.
(she steps out of the light, then jumps back in) Steps back to finish ...
P.S. Hey wait, I almost forgot! Today all the first grades are having a
Holiday Sing-along in the real actual auditorium! Auditorium is the
grown-up word for there is a big, giant stage in that place. Plus, also,
there are seats and stairs and --

(May strains over Junie’s shoulder to get a look at Junie’s journal.) May peaks up from behind
Junie
Hey! This is none of your beeswax, sister!

MAY May jumps “down” on

Mr. Scary! Mr. Scary! Junie Jones wrote a bad name about me in her playboard with Junie
journal. She wrote that I am a bladdermouth . And bladder is not a nice following
word!

JUNIE B.
It’s not bladdermouth. It’s blabbermouth, May.
Blabbermouth is spelled with “b’s”, not “d’s”.
and Mr. Scary coming from
MR. SCARY behind them
Girls, please . Let’s not start the day fighting.

MAY
But Mr. Scary, Junie Jones said--

MR. SCARY
May, what are our rules about tattling? You and I came up with three
new rules to control your tattling, remember? Can you tell me what
they are, please?

(May is suddenly mute.)

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MR. SCARY
Anyone else want to give May some help? Appear over the playboard
standing up as if they were
HERB, LUCILLE, SHELDON, JOSE sitting before
(All the other students hands shoot up.)
I do! I do!

MAY
(quickly)
Rule number one: Count to twenty before I tattle. Rule number two: If
I still feel like tattling count to twenty again .

MR. SCARY
Yes, May. Excellent. And rule number three?

MAY
Rule number three...if I still feel like tattling after that...go home, eat
dinner, go to bed, wake up, eat breakfast, come back to school, raise my
hand to tattle, then put my hand over my mouth, and please be quiet.

MR. SCARY
Perfect! Those are exactly the rules we talked about, aren’t they? I’m
very proud of you for remembering them! But the next step is to
actually follow the rules, okay? And I don’t believe you counted to
twenty this time, did you?

JUNIE B.
I can vouch for that. There was definitely no counting.

MR. SCARY
And as for you, Miss Jones ... this is absolutely the last time that I ever
want to talk to you about name-calling.

JUNIE B.
But I didn’t even call her a name, Mr. Scary!
All I did was write blabbermouth.

MR. SCARY
I don’t want you to say or hum or write blabbermouth again.
Do you understand?
(pause)

JUNIE B.
Yes. What about dumb bunny? Can I call her dumb bunny?

MR. SCARY
No, absolutely not, Junie B.
 Page 6

JUNIE B.
Hey, I know! Maybe I could just think the dumb part in my head.
‘cause heads are silent, which is what I like about heads. And I’ll call
her just plain bunny. Would just plain bunny be okay with you?

MAY
No, no, no! Just plain bunny isn’t nice either!

SHELDON
Bunny isn’t nice? How come bunny isn’t nice? I have an aunt named Sheldon and Herb enter the
Bunny and she’s very, very nice. My aunt Bunny is married to my uncle discussion
Vern. Aunt Bunny has a lot of--

MR. SCARY
(quickly)
Yes, Sheldon, we know. You’ve told us some interesting things about
her. But right now we don’t need to hear any more about your aunt
Bunny’s--

SHELDON
Skull tattoos.

JUNIE B./HERB
Whoa.
(Junie B. and Herb high-five one another.)

JUNIE B.
(to audience)
Herbert and me have been bestest friends ever since our
first day on the bus together.
(to Herb)
Remember that, Herbert? Remember how we just clicked?

HERB
Sure, Junie B.

MR. SCARY
Okay, I need everyone in their seats while I take attendance.

HERB
But what about the kids who are absent?

MAY
It’s their own fault they’re not here today. Right, Mr. Scary?

MR. SCARY
They’re sick, May. That’s not really anyone’s “fault”.
 Page 7

MAY
Still. I’m glad we don’t have to get their dirty, nasty germs on us.

MR. SCARY
Boys and girls, I know that many of you are still worried about what
happened to Roger yesterday.

HERB
Yeah, he threw up. Splat-o!

ALL STUDENTS
Ewww!

LUCILLE
He almost got some of it on my expensive shoes! Lucille and Jose enter, Lucille
shows off her shoes.
JOSÉ
It was Cheerios. Muy Cheerios!

ALL STUDENTS
Ewww!

JUNIE B.
It was the disgustingest thing I ever saw.
Also, the air did not smell delightful.

SHELDON
I felt sorry for him.

LUCILLE
I was never so glad to see a janitor.

JUNIE B.
Gus Vallony, Gus Vallony! I know that guy.

HERB
Yeah, he sprinkled that powder all over the splat-o and, whoa!
It swept right up into his bucket.

JOSÉ
Si, that powder is like magic.

JUNIE B.
It is like magic! Plus now it smells lemony fresh in here.
(They all sniff in agreement.)

SHELDON
I wish I had some of that stuff for my mother.
She loves to clean up messes.
 Page 8

HERB
(Herb jumps up.)
Whoa! Wait! My mother loves to clean up messes and her birthday is
on Sunday. And so that’s what I’ll get her. I’ll get her a tub of that
magic powder! What’s the name of it, Mr. Scary?
Huh? What’s it called? What’s it called?

(Mr. Scary looks at the canister of left-over cleaning powder.)

MR. SCARY
‘Vomit absorbent’. It’s called ‘vomit absorbent’.

(Herbs knees buckle a bit, then a little shiver moves through him.)
HERB
Maybe I’ll just draw her a picture.
(He quietly sits down. Sheldon puts his empty lunch sack on his own
head.)

MR. SCARY
Sheldon, take the bag off your head.

SHELDON
No, I need this! Whenever somebody throws up, their germs shoot out
in the air all over the place! Then, if somebody else breathes that same
air, those germs can get sucked right up their nostrils!

JUNIE B.
Whoa.

HERB/JOSÉ
Whoa.

JUNIE B.
(to audience)
Whoa is what we say to be supportive.
(Junie B. plugs her nose. The other students do the same.)

MR. SCARY
Class, there’s a stomach virus going around school, and I think Roger
caught it. I’m afraid it doesn’t help to hold your nose.
In fact, one of the easiest ways to catch a virus
is to touch your nose with germy hands.

(All the children let go of their noses and try to hold their breath.)

And for those of you wearing paper bags on your heads, Sheldon --
there are probably thousands of germs in there with you.

(A moment, then:)
 Page 9

SHELDON
Aaauuuggh!

(He pulls the paper bag off and furtively begins to wipe his nose and face
against his shirt sleeve. A first a knock on microphone, then cough and
then voice comes over the classroom intercom.)

MR. TOOT (V.O.)

Good morning Mr. Scary! This is Mr. Toot. The music teacher.

MR. SCARY
We all know who you are, Mr. Toot.

MR. TOOT (V.O.)

I have the box of you-know-what for the students.

MR. SCARY
The box of ...

MR. TOOT (V.O.)

(to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)
Hm-hm-hmm, hm-hm-hmm, hm-hm-hm-hm-hmmm!

MR. SCARY
Oh. Yes. Fine.

MR. TOOT (V.O.)

I’ll be right down with the box of hm-hm-hmm--

MR. SCARY
Thank you, Mr. Toot.

MAY
What did Mr. Toot mean, Mr. Scary? What box? Is there something in
the box? Is it a surprise for us? Junie Jones should not get a surprise
after what she wrote. Right, Mr. Scary?

JUNIE B.
Helpful hint, May: stop tattle-taleing.

MR. SCARY
Boys and girls, finish writing in your journals. I need to step outside
the classroom door to help Mr. Toot.

(He gives Junie B. and May a warning look, then he exits.)

MAY
Don’t you wonder what’s in that box, Junie Jones?
 Page 10

JUNIE B.
“Box” starts with the same letter you always forget when you say
my name, remember, May?
And so maybe I should use it in a sentence for you.

(Junie B. leans in close to May.)

Dear Blabbermouth May. My name is Junie B. Jones. B-b-b-b-b !
How come you can’t remember B’s? Huh, May?
Are you a blockhead or something?

(May grabs Junie B.’s journal and begins ripping pages out
as Junie B. hangs on.)

Hey! That’s my journal! That’s my personal property!

Music Cue #2
(Junie B. tries to yank the journal out of May’s grasp. They pull back and
forth, in a wild tangle of arms and paper and sleeves ... until Junie B.
gives it one last fierce yank -- and succeeds in wresting her journal out of
May’s clutches. She falls back in her seat, and notices she still has hold of
May’s sweater sleeve, which is now exceedingly stretched out.)

JUNIE B.
Uh oh.

MAY
My sweater-- look at what you did!

(Junie B. disengages herself from the lifeless sweater sleeve.

She helpfully scoops it up and sets it in a wad on May’s lap.)

MAY
Mr. Scary! Mr. Scary! Junie Jones wrecked my sweater sleeve!

(Mr. Scary re-enters.)

MR. SCARY
What’s going on in here?

MAY
It’s ruined, it’s ruined! My very favorite sweater is ruined!

JUNIE B.
The whole sweater isn’t ruined, actually. It’s just that one sleeve, May.
If you grow one arm to the ground it will fit like a glove, probably.

MAY
Look at this! Just look at it, Mr. Scary! Junie Jones wrecked my
sweater. Junie Jones wrecks everything!
 Page 11

JUNIE B.
“B”! Junie B. wrecks everything!

MR. SCARY
What would you like to say to May, Junie B.?

JUNIE B.
(taking a mad breath)
I do not wreck everything. And anyway, this wasn’t even my fault!
You’re the one who started it, May. You’re the one who stoled my
journal.

MR. SCARY
Stole, the word is stole, Junie B. Not stoled.

JUNIE B.
Okay but now is not actually the time for grammar.

MR. SCARY
Junie B.

JUNIE B.
Fine. She stole my journal. She just grabbed it right from me.
And she ripped pages out.

MAY
But I only took her journal because she wrote a bad name about me!

JUNIE B.
But May wouldn’t even know about that name if she didn’t snoop!
Snooping in someone’s journal is an invasion of their piracy.

MR. SCARY
Privacy , it’s invasion of privacy , Junie B. Not piracy .

JUNIE B.
For the love of Pete! Can’t you just let it go?
I’m trying to make a point here!
(a pause, then, quietly)
Sorry. Sorry I got mad Mr. Scary.
Sometimes grammar makes my head explode.

MR. SCARY
I really don’t understand your behavior lately, girls. The holidays are
the time of year when we try to spread peace and goodwill. But you
two are treating each other worse and worse every day.

SHELDON
Yeah, they’ve been fighting like cats and hogs.
 Page 12

JOSÉ
Dogs.

SHELDON
Really? No kidding? They fight, too?

LUCILLE
My richie Nana says fighting is unrefined. And she would know.
She’s filthy rich.
(She stands up and twirls.)
She bought me this dress. It’s made of fancy, floaty chiffon, the best
that money can buy! And fancy, floaty chiffon is as light as a feather.
My daddy says I look just like a princess when I wear this!
(she fluffs her flouncy skirt)
Who would like me to hop in the air and make it float?
Please clap your hands.

(Before anyone can clap, she is hopping and twirling for all she’s worth.)

MR. SCARY
Thank you for that, Lucille. That’s enough. Lucille-- please sit down!

(Lucille executes a final twirl, then sits. Mr. Scary massages his
forehead.)

HERB
(to Junie B.)
Mr. Scary is coming unglued.

JUNIE B.
Yes. Mr. Scary is going to need a backup, I believe.
(to audience)
Backup is the grown-up word for the police might need to come, possibly.

MR. SCARY
Now. I don’t care whose fault it is, if you two have another fight today
there will be no Holiday Sing-Along. For anyone.

ALL STUDENTS
(except Lucille)
No Sing-Along?

LUCILLE
I’m fine with that. Rich people don’t enjoy public Sing-Alongs.
(She quiets off Mr. Scary’s look.)

MR. SCARY
And, you two girls will be parking yourselves
in the principal’s office for the afternoon.
 Page 13

Music Cue #3
(Slightly threatening music plays as lights briefly reveal MOVIE
two “bad” chairs in the principal’s office.)

JUNIE B.
(to audience)
I’ve parked at the principal’s office before.
There’s not a lot of singing that goes on down there.
(The chairs vanish.)

MR. SCARY
So what’s it going to be, girls? Shake hands and make up, or spend the
afternoon at the office?

(Junie looks at May; May stares at the floor. Mr. Scary taps his foot.)

MR. SCARY (CONT’D)

Well?

(Junie B. grabs May’s elongated sweater sleeve and gives it a shake.)

JUNIE B.
There. Fine. I shaked with her.

MR. SCARY
Shook.

JUNIE B.
Whatever.

MR. SCARY
Thank-you, Junie B.

(Junie B. releases the sleeve; it drops to the floor. She kicks it over to
May-- who immediately picks it up and swats Junie B. with it.)

JUNIE B.
Hey, quit it!

MR. SCARY
Girls! I mean it.

MAY
I was just getting the dust out.

MR. SCARY
Go. Sit. Down.

(May gathers up her sleeve and goes to her desk.)

 Page 14

JUNIE B.
Peace and goodwill do not come easy for some people,
do they Mr. Scary?

Music Cue #4
(Mr. Scary looks at Junie, then turns and goes.
She speaks to the audience-- in her journal light.)

Okay. Here is the honest truth. I am a little bit worried about the
Holiday Sing-Along. Holiday shows at school do not bring out the best
in me. The last show we did was a Columbus Day play. It was October
I believe. And that was not my shiniest moment.

The Classroom, 3 Months Earlier

The Auditorium

Mr. Scary enters wearing a tie. He is followed by the students of Room

One in their costumes, carrying flats and props. There is an air of
excitement. Someone hands Junie B. her ship.

JUNIE B.
My stomach has flutterflies in it. Does yours, Sheldon?
Does your stomach have flutterflies in it?
(Sheldon responds by giggling hysterically.)

MR. SCARY
Okay people, places! It’s showtime!

(Everyone runs to their place. Mr. Scary gives a big thumbs up, then
signals to Herb to raise the curtain. Perhaps we can see the players
waiting for their entrance behind the flats. Herb brings the lights up and
signals to Lucille.)

HERB
And action!
Music Cue #5
(Music signals Lucille to make a royal entrance, followed by José.)

LUCILLE
Hello, sailor. My name is richie Queen Isabelle.

JOSÉ
Isabella .

LUCILLE
IzzsabellA.
(She curtsies, then indicates that he should bow to her. He does.)
 Page 15

JOSÉ
Hola , Queen Isabella. My name is Cristobal Colon. I would like to look
for a new trade route to China. Can I please have some money to sail
the ocean blue?

LUCILLE
Okay, here’s some money. But please bring back the change.
(They curtsy and bow deeply. Lucille exits grandly.
José looks around the stage.)

JOSÉ
Who would like to sail the ocean blue with me?

HERB
(loud whisper)
Ships, you’re on!

JUNIE B.
Wowie wow wow.

HERB
Good luck!

(Junie B., Sheldon, and May sail onstage.)

JUNIE B.
(in her loud voice)
I am the Pinta. And I am the fastest ship.

MAY
(trying to out-loud Junie B.)
I am the Santa Maria. And I am the biggest ship.

(Jose´ sneezes. Sheldon covers his nose and mouth. He forgets to speak.)

MAY
(fierce whisper)
It’s your turn, Sheldon. Go!
(Sheldon stares at the audience.)
Music Cue #6
JUNIE B.
(whispering)
You’re the Niña!

SHELDON
The who?

JUNIE B./JOSÉ/MAY/LUCILLE
The Niña! The Niña! The Niña!
 Page 16

SHELDON
(rotely)
I am the Niña, the Niña, the Niña!
(He stalls.)
And um...let’s see...what else...

MR. SCARY
(loud whisper)
Keep moving, Sheldon!

JOSÉ
Ah, three fine ships! Just what I need to sail the ocean blue.
Tomorrow we will begin our journey.

(Herb crosses the stage with a large sign that reads: “Okay...now it’s
tomorrow”. The three ships sail side-by-side, in brief unison, before May
makes her move. She pulls ahead of the others; Junie B. reaches up and
grabs May’s sail.)

JUNIE B.
(whisper)
You’re not supposed to get there first, May.

MAY
(whispering)
I can’t help it if my ship is faster than yours, Junie Jones.

JUNIE B.
No! You can’t change history, May. History is the law!

(Junie B. takes matters into her own hands and overtakes the Santa
Maria.)

Ha! What do you know? I’m winning again.

MAY
Out of my way, you puny Pinta!

SHELDON
Wait for the Niña!

(The Pinta and the Santa Maria battle for the lead. May attempts to pull
the Pinta out of her way.)

MAY
It’s not a race, Junie Jones!

JUNIE B.
It is now, sister!
 Page 17

SHELDON
You’re going the wrong way.

MR. SCARY
(fierce whisper)
Ships -- girls -- stop!

HERB
Look out, Pinta!

(Junie B. clips May’s ship, causing May to stumble and slam into a set
piece.)

MAY
You did that on purpose!

(Sheldon freezes center stage, mortified.)

HERB
Keep going, Sheldon!

(Sheldon tries to go around May as she rises unsteadily.)

MAY
Wait, it’s not your turn yet!
(She scrambles to get ahead of the Niña, shoving him as she goes. He
stops.)

MR. SCARY
Do something, Sheldon!

(Sheldon bursts into tears. Mr. Scary runs on stage-- smack into
Sheldon. They both fall over; Sheldon cries harder.)

HERB
Kid overboard!

LUCILLE
Is it the queen’s entrance yet?

JOSÉ
Not yet.

SHELDON
Help me! Help me!

MR. SCARY
Ssh! Calm down, it’s alright.
 Page 18

SHELDON
It isn’t alright-- I can’t swim!

MR. SCARY
There’s no water, Sheldon. It’s a play .

LUCILLE
Now is it the queen’s entrance?

ALL
No!

MAY
Land Ho!

(May rallies and comes at the Pinta full force; Junie B. swings the back-
end of her ship, swatting May,who trips and crashes into the set, which
collapses around them.)

HERB
Whoa.

(Lucille strides on stage. José runs after, tugging on her gown.)

LUCILLE
Everybody! I am richie Queen Isabella!

JOSÉ
Wait Isabella, it’s not your turn!

(Herb runs on stage, dragging an inner tube.)

HERB
Man the lifeboats!

SHELDON
Help, help!

LUCILLE
You’re wrecking my entrance! I have more queen lines!

(Herb heaves the inner tube, but miscalculates and it slams into Lucille.
She tumbles into José, who then falls onto Sheldon.)

HERB
They’re dropping like flies!

(José responds with an epic sneeze.)

 Page 19

SHELDON
Aauugghh! It went right up my nostrils!

(Sheldon frantically dog-paddles off stage, dragging the Niña behind

him.)

LUCILLE
Where are you going?

SHELDON
Home!
(Sheldon exits.)

LUCILLE
Off with his head! Let them eat cake!

MR. SCARY
Wrong country, Lucille.

(Lucille fluffs, curtsies and exits, followed by José and Mr. Scary.)

MAY
Now Columbus will never get to America,
and it’s all your fault, Junie Jones!
(May exits.)

JUNIE B.
(talking to audience)
It was the worstest moment of my life. All of the children had shock
in their faces. Plus the whole audience was shocking, too.
The auditorium does not have good memories, I tell you. And so that is
why I am nervous about another holiday performance in there.
Especially with May.

Room One
We are back in class, in the present.

MR. TOOT
(offstage)
Hellooo-ooo.

STUDENTS
(unison )
Come in, please!

(Mr. Toot enters carrying a large box.)

SHELDON
Mr. Toot, Mr. Toot!
 Page 20

MR. TOOT
Good Morning!

HERB
What’s in the box Mr. Toot?

MR. TOOT
Boys and girls, our PTO made these costumes several years ago for our
Holiday Sing-Alongs.

(He holds up a very green felt vest and a pointy hat with a bell at the tip.)

MR. TOOT
What do you think?

LUCILLE
Three words. Tacky, tacky, and tacky.
(Mr. Toot shakes the hat.)

JUNIE B.
Hey, that sounds just like a jingle-bell sleigh!

MR. TOOT
You’re right, Junie B. Every year, one lucky class gets to wear the
jingle-bell hats.

LUCILLE
Oh joy.

MR. TOOT
And this year-- because Room One has been so well behaved in music
class-- I choose you!

LUCILLE
(throwing her hands in the air)
What are the odds?

MR. TOOT
And that’s not all my good news either, boys and girls. Because the
class with the bell hats goes on stage and leads the entire auditorium in
singing ‘Jingle Bells’!

STUDENTS
Yay!/ That’s my favorite one!/ Ho ho ho!, etc.
(The students jump for joy-- except Lucille.)

LUCILLE
Okay number one: I don’t wear this shade of green.
And number two: I don’t wear bell hats.
 Page 21

MR. SCARY
Lucille. That’s enough.

LUCILLE
I can’t help it. I have breeding. An elf hat is out of the question.

MR. TOOT
Alrighty. Let’s get started, shall we?

STUDENTS
Yay! Yay!/ ‘Jingle Bells’! ‘Jingle Bells’!/ We’re going to lead ‘Jingle
Bells’!

MR. TOOT
Now line up single-file and --
Music Cue #7
(The students swarm the box, pulling out hats, vests, and belts. They don
the costumes, shaking their jingly heads and singing as they bounce
around.)

MAY
‘Jingle bells, jingle bells’.

JUNIE B.
This fits perfect!

HERB
I think you look nice in that. You don’t even look stupid, hardly.

JUNIE B.
Thank you, Herbert. You don’t look stupid, too.
(They high-five.)

SHELDON
Look at me, look at me!

HERB
We’re going to be the stars of the Sing-Along!

MR TOOT
Yes, okay, everyone, everyone? We’re going to have a quick rehearsal,
just to make sure you know the words.

MAY
I know every single word by heart, Mr. Toot. I do.

JUNIE B.
Big deal, May. Everybody knows Jingle Bells by heart.
 Page 22

MAY
Watch how fast I do it.
(before anyone can protest)
“Jinglebellsjinglebellsjinglealltheway
Ohwhatfunitistorideinaonehorseopensleighhey
Jinglebellsjinglebellsjinglealltheway
Ohwhatfunitistorideinaonehorseopensleigh”

MR. TOOT
Very good, May. But some of us might not remember all the verses, so
we’re going to sing through the whole song.
Who knows the first line of the first verse?

(May’s hand shoots up and waves.)

Does anyone besides May want to try?

(Sheldon timidly raises his hand.)

MR. TOOT
Sheldon.

SHELDON
‘Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh’?

MR. TOOT
Good! What about the next line?
(May’s whole body, led by her hand, shoots up. Herb casually raises his
hand.)

MR. TOOT
Herbert.

HERB
‘O’er the fields we go, laughing all the way ho-ho-ho’.

MR. TOOT
Excellent, Herbert. Junie B., do you know what comes next?

JUNIE B.
Yeah, only this is actually getting kind of boring.

(May claws the air with her hand.)

MAY
Me, me, pick me Mr. Toot!

MR. TOOT
Go ahead, May.
 Page 23

MAY
‘Bells on bobtail ring, making spirits bright’.

MR. TOOT
Thank you, May. Okay, who can --

MAY
‘What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight! Ohhh--’

MR. TOOT
Everyone! One and two and three ...
Music Cue #8
STUDENTS
‘Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh-hey!

(Junie B. sings her lyrics over the others.)

STUDENTS
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh!
JUNIE B.
Jingle bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
Batmobile lost it’s wheel
And Joker got away!

(Herb and Sheldon crack up at Junie’s lyrics.)

MAY
Mr. Toot, Mr. Toot! Junie Jones is singing the wrong--
(Junie B. yanks on May’s skirt.)

JUNIE B.
Psst! May! Are you crazy? You and I can’t fight anymore, remember
that? If you tattletale on me, we’ll be parking ourselves at Principal’s.

MAY
(May claps her hand over her own mouth.)
Oops. Nevermind.

MR. TOOT
Good run-through people. I'll see you in the auditorium toot sweet!
(Mr. Toot exits.)

JUNIE B.
Whew. That was a close one. I saved our gooses.

MAY
You did not save our gooses, Junie Jones. I saved our gooses. I’m the
one who didn’t tattle. But--
(wagging a finger)
 Page 24

If you sing those bad words on stage at the Sing-Along, I will tell on
you no matter what.

JUNIE B.
“Robin laid an egg” is not bad words, May.
An egg is nothing for a bird to be ashamed of.

HERB
Yeah, what are you getting all huffy about? It’s just a silly song.

MAY
I don’t care.
(to Junie B.)
You already ruined my sweater. And you ruined my mood. But you’re
not going to ruin the Sing-Along. I’m going to stick to you like glue.
And even if I get in trouble myself, I will still tell on you. You can
count on that, Junie Jones!
(Junie B. growls as May walks away.)

HERB
What’s with her?

JUNIE B.
Three words. May is off her rocker.

The Auditorium
A piano plays festive holiday songs.

JUNIE B.
(Speaks to the audience.)
We went to the Sing-Along after lunch. And ha! The auditorium looked
like Santa’s workshop! There were a jillion cute elves in that place! It
was very thrilling. Except for May kept on sticking to me like glue.

MAY
I’ll be listening to you, Junie Jones. I’ll be hearing every word you sing.

JUNIE B.
(to audience)
I smiled to just myself. ‘Cause I had a surprise up my arm, that’s why.

MR. TOOT
Boys and girls, it’s time.

(The students scramble onto risers to sing, including Lucille-- who wears
the green vest cinched tightly and the jingle hat at a fashionable angle.
May trails closely on Junie B’s. heels, trying to elbow out Herb.)
 Page 25

JUNIE B.
This Sing-Along is going to be fun. Right, Herb? Right?

HERB
Sure, Junie B.

JUNIE B.
This Sing-Along is going to be the time of our life!

(May wedges herself between Herb and Junie B.)

JUNIE B.
Hey. You’re standing where I stand.

MAY
It’s a free country and this is public property.
(She scoots even closer to Junie B.)
I have my eye on you, Junie Jones.
(Mr. Toot stands at the piano and raises his hand to get the children’s
attention. May glares at Junie B.)

MR. TOOT
Ahem.
(He pauses dramatically, then sweeps his hand down and the children sing
to piano accompaniment.)

Music Cue #9
ALL STUDENTS
(singing)
‘Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
O’er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

LUCILLE
Ho-ho-ho!

(May glances suspiciously at Junie B., who remains smiling

indifferently.)

ALL STUDENTS
Bells on bobtail ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight! Ohhh

(Junie B. takes a huge breath and sings the next phrase

LOUDLY in May’s ear.)
 Page 26

STUDENTS
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh!
JUNIE B.
Jingle bells, Batman smells
P.S. So does May
I’d throw May right off the
sleigh
And then I’d drive away

MAY
HEY!

ALL STUDENTS
(singing)
Jingle bells

MAY
Mr.--

ALL STUDENTS
Jingle bells

MAY
Mr.--

ALL STUDENTS
Jingle all the waaay

MAY
Mr. Toot!

STUDENTS
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh!
One... Horse... Open... Sleigh!

MAY
Junie Jones sang bad, bad words
You should make her go away!
Make... Her... Go... Away!

(Mr. Scary marches both girls downstage. The other students file
offstage.)

MR. SCARY
I am very, very disappointed in your behavior today. Both of you.

JUNIE B. MAY
It was her idea! She started it!
 Page 27

MR. SCARY
What am I going to do with you two?
(looks at his watch)
Unfortunately, it’s too late to send you to the principal’s office.

JUNIE B.
Oh dear. That is unfortunate, isn’t it May?
(examining Mr. Scary’s watch)
And guess what, school is almost over in two minutes!
So, good news, people! We’re all just going to forget what happened at
the Sing Along and go home. Right Mr. Scary? Right?

(Mr. Scary places a hand on her shoulder, and smiles,

then shakes his head “no”.)

JUNIE B.
(to audience)
Just then, the bad news came. ‘Cause what do you know? Mr. Scary
said there was exactly enough time for him to write a note --
to our parents.

(Mr. Scary writes and hands them each a note.)

MAY
All because of you, Junie Jones! It’s all your fault!

(Mr. Scary and May exit.)

JUNIE B.
(to audience)
Only here’s the worstest part of all.
May might actually be right this time. Possibly.

(Lights snap out.)

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
Room One
Music Cue #10
Junie B. sits at her desk and glares at the back of May’s head while she
writes. May responds without looking up.

MAY
I know you’re staring at me, Junie Jones. But I don’t care that we got
notes sent home yesterday. My mother was proud of me, in fact.
She said that you deserved to get tattled on.
 Page 28

(she swings around to face Junie B.)

Did you learn a lesson, Junie Jones? Well? Did you?

JUNIE B.
Sometimes if you glare hard enough, you can melt people’s heads.
I saw that on a movie commercial once. It was P-G13, I believe.
(A pause, then May quickly returns to writing in her journal.)

MR. SCARY
Boys and Girls, this is the day Classroom One gets to visit the Holiday
Gift Shop in the media center. Today we’ll just be looking at the gifts.
Then, on Friday, we’ll go back with our money and buy the things we
want. Does anyone have questions?

(Junie B. waves her hand in the air.)

JUNIE B.
Guess what, Mr. Scary? My mother said I get to spend one whole
dollar on every person in my family!
And that adds up to five entire dollars!

(Lucille raises her hand.)

LUCILLE
I can spend all the money in the world. It’s true, people.
(She stands and fluffs her dress.)
My family has more money than you can shake a stick at.
(She fluffs again and sits.)

MR. SCARY
Yes. Well. Fortunately, we don’t need to be rich to shop at the gift
shop, Lucille. Everything there is very affordable. Does everyone know
what “affordable” means?

JUNIE B.
I do, I do! “Affordable” means cheap!
My grampa Frank Miller LOVES cheap.

SHELDON
My grampa does, too! We call him Cheap Old Ned!

JOSÉ
Sorry amigo, but no body is cheaper than my parents. Everytime I ask
for something cool, it’s ‘nada dinero, nada dinero.’ They are el cheapo!

MR. SCARY
Okay, before we go to the gift shop, we’re going to draw names for our
Secret Santa gift party. That way you’ll be able to look for your
Secret Santa gifts while you’re down there, too.
 Page 29

(He picks up a basket)

Can anyone tell me the most important rule about being a Secret Santa?

ALL STUDENTS
YOU MUST KEEP THE SECRET!

MR. SCARY
(thumbs up)
Yes! Excellent!
(He offers the basket to Lucille.)
Go ahead and pick a name Lucille-- but first close your eyes.
(Lucille closes her eyes and picks a piece of paper from the basket.)

SHELDON
Who did you get?

LUCILLE
Do you even listen?
(She covertly reads her piece of paper, then beams, as Mr. Scary offers
the basket to each student.)

ALL STUDENTS
Alright, it’s who I wanted!/ Awesome!/ Ooh, goody!/ etc.

(Mr. Scary stands before Junie B.)

MR. SCARY
Congratulations, Junie B. You have the honor of choosing the final name!

JUNIE B.
(drumming her fingers)
Okay, see, one name left is not actually called choosing . One name left
is called take it or leave it. I hate being in this seat! I get all the bad
stuff back here. Even on the very first day of school, I got the only
crayons that were already used!

MR. SCARY
Yes, Junie B. I know that.

MAY
We all know that, you say it every time we color.

JUNIE B.
Did I mention that my red crayon wasn’t even pointy?
‘Cause it wasn’t. My red crayon was already --

HERB
Roundy. You told us that already.
 Page 30

JUNIE B.
Did I mention that my greenie was broken in half?
My greenie was just a teensie little--

JOSÉ
Stubbie. Si . You told us that, too.

MR. SCARY
Look. Right now, someone in this room is counting on you being their
Secret Santa, Junie B. So you really need to read that name. Now.

(Junie B. sighs, closes her eyes, makes a wish,then takes the piece of
paper. She slides down in her chair and unfolds it. She stares at it for a
long moment; she looks at Mr. Scary, looks at the piece of paper,
then, folds it up and hands it back to him.)

JUNIE B.
I believe I’ll pass on this one.

MR. SCARY
There’s no “passing” Junie B. You take the name and that’s that.

JUNIE B.
But I do not actually care for that name.

MR. SCARY
You take the name you got and that’s that.

(Junie B. clunks her head down onto her desk. Mr. Scary reads the name
on her paper. She raises her head to look at him, then clunks her
head on her desk again.)

MR. SCARY
Please knock off the clunking. Boys and girls, Junie B. needs a little bit
of help reading the name. Excuse us.

(Mr. Scary ushers Junie B. to a private corner of Room One.)

Music Cue #11

JUNIE B.
It’s not fair, Mr. Scary. I hate that name! I hate it, I hate it.

MR. SCARY
You know I don’t allow that word in my classroom, Junie B.
We do not hate in Room One.

JUNIE B.
Really? No kidding. A lot of children will be surprised to hear that.
 Page 31

MR. SCARY
Look. I know you and May aren’t the best of friends. But this is the
time of peace and goodwill, remember? And being a Secret Santa to
someone you don’t like is the truest form of goodwill there is.

JUNIE B.
(to audience)
How do teachers come up with this stuff?

MR. SCARY
Really, Junie B. If you do something nice for May, you’ll feel so proud
inside. It will feel like a gift that you’ve given yourself.

JUNIE B.
(to audience)
Maybe they pick it up at teacher school.

MR. SCARY
Can you give it a try, Junie B. Can you be May’s Secret Santa?

JUNIE B.
(blandly)
Ho ho no . I mean ho.

MR. SCARY
There’s the Christmas Spirit!
(to the other students)
Okay, boys and girls -- follow Junie B. to the gift shop!

ALL STUDENTS
Yea! The gift shop!

JUNIE B.
Whoopee.
(to audience)
This is the whole dumb problem with school. One minute you’re all
joyful and happy. And the next minute the joy gets flushed right out
of you!

Media Room/Ye Olde Gift Shoppe

Music Cue #12
Holiday music plays. Elf Ellen stands beneath a ‘Ye Olde Gift Shoppe’
sign in the media room, which is decked out festively, with five, toy-laden
tables. The students enter with Mr. Scary.

ELF ELLEN
Welcome, Room One! Welcome to our holiday gift shop!
 Page 32

STUDENTS
Wow! Fake snow!/ Candy canes!/ Look at all the toys!

ELF ELLEN
I am the president of the P.T.O. My name is Mrs. Hooks. But -- just
for today -- you get to call me Elf Ellen! Some of you might know my
son, Jeff. Jeff is a big third grader.

SHELDON
(Sheldon raises his hand.)
I know Jeff Hooks. Jeff Hooks stole my milk money last year.

ELF ELLEN
(frozen pause, then:)
I’m here to help you with your gift selections. If you have any
questions please let me know --

SHELDON
(waving his hand in the air)
Did Jeff Hooks ever get punished for what he did? I reported him to
the office. But I never got my money back.

(Elf Ellen squints at Sheldon.)

ELF ELLEN
I meant questions about the gift shop.

(She gestures toward the tables.)

As you can see, each of our tables has a number on it. The number on
the table matches the price of all the gifts on that particular table.
For example, all of the gifts on Table One sell for one dollar. And all
of the gifts on Table Two sell for two dollars. And the gifts on Table
Three sell for...

ALL STUDENTS
Three dollars!

ELF ELLEN
And so on. Does everyone understand?
(Herb raises his hand.)
Yes, young man?

HERB
What about the gifts on Table Four. What do they go for?

ELF ELLEN
Table Four has a four on it, doesn’t it? Four means four.
They sell for four dollars.
 Page 33

HERB
I see. And Table five?

ELF ELLEN
(to Mr. Scary)
Is he pulling my leg?

SHELDON
Where’s Table Thirty-five Cents? That’s how much Jeff Hooks still owes
me. Is there a Table Thirty-five Cents?

(Elf Ellen digs into her apron pocket and hastily retrieves some coins,
which she thrusts at Sheldon.)

ELF ELLEN
There. Are you satisfied?

(Sheldon grins. Elf Ellen claps her hands briskly.)

Now children, feel free to browse around. Please do not break the toys.
And please don’t eat the candy canes. And please, please do not blow
your nose on the handkerchiefs. Alright, have fun!

(Elf Ellen yanks off her hat and exits. The students swarm the tables,
grabbing, shaking, and examining toy packages as Mr. Scary looks on.)

JUNIE B.
Crayons! They got crayons. Look-- the red has a sharp head! And
greenie is not even a stubbie!
(she sniffs the crayons)
Breathe that brand-new crayon smell, Herbert. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. I
would love, love, love to buy these things.

HERB
Tattoos! They’ve got tattoo’s, Junie B. And they really, really look real.

JUNIE B.
Whoa!

HERB
Pirates. Dragons. Dinosaurs!

JUNIE B.
And kitty-cat tattoos! Plus, also, a nice variety of swamp animals.
This is all the tattoos a kid could ever dream of.

SHELDON
My Aunt Bunny has six tattoos. And a pointy tooth. She can stab a
 Page 34

pickle with her tooth. And the pickle just stays there.
(pause)

JUNIE B.
Hey! Maybe I could buy one of these tattoos for everyone in my family.
And then I can get even more money from my mom and buy some for
me!

SHELDON
Never count on more money from a mother, Junie B. Take it from me,
Sheldon Potts. Do not count your chickens before they’re hashed.

HERB
You mean hatched . Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched .

SHELDON
Really? Are you sure? ‘Cause my Aunt Bunny brings chicken hash for
dinner every Sunday. She was a chef in prison and chicken hash is her
specialty.
(pause)
But still, I never count on it.

JUNIE B.
Glow in the dark barrettes! I’ve always, always wanted these things!

HERB
Whoa. Cool.

JUNIE B.
I know they are cool, Herbert! ‘Cause if you lose your hair in the dark,
you will always, always be able to find it.
May taps Junie B. on the shoulder.

MAY
You shouldn’t be wanting to buy gifts for yourself , Junie Jones. We
are here to buy gifts for others.

(Junie B. covers her ears.)

JUNIE B.
Whoops, bad news! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

MAY
(shouting)
IT IS BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE.
GIVING IS THE SPIRIT OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON.
I AM A GIVER. I GIVE AND I GIVE AND I
GIVE AND I GIVE. LISTEN TO ME!
 Page 35

MR. SCARY
Junie B. Take your hands off your ears, please.

JUNIE B.
YEAH, ONLY I CAN’T ACTUALLY HEAR YOU!
I’VE GOT MY HANDS OVER MY EARS.

(Mr. Scary takes her hands from her ears.)

JUNIE B.
Hello, how are you today?

MR. SCARY
You two aren’t having another problem, are you?

JUNIE B.
Nope. No siree. No problem. I was just being thrilled at these gifts.
That’s all I was doing.

MAY
And I was just telling her to be a giver like me.
My mother says that some people are born to be givers.
And other people are born to be shellfish.

JUNIE B.
I don’t even care for shellfish.

MR. SCARY
(softly but firmly)
You two may continue browsing, but please, keep your voices--

(A loud burp pierces the quiet.)

JOSÉ
Lucille! It was Lucille!

STUDENTS
Lucille burped!/ I heard it!/ That was a loudy!

JUNIE B.
I didn’t even know rich people burped!

SHELDON
Me neither! I am pleasantly surprised.

LUCILLE
But I didn’t burp! I don’t even know how!

(She holds up a round toy.)

 Page 36

This thing burped, not me!

(She squeezes the toy and it makes a giant burp. Everyone cracks up,
including Mr. Scary.)

JUNIE B.
A good burp can bring the whole world together, I tell you!

JOSÉ
What is that thing?

MR. SCARY
(reading the package label)
It’s called a Sqeeze-a-Burp. And it costs five dollars.

MAY
A Squeeze-a-Burp?

HERB
Squeeze the Sqeeze-a-Burp again, Mr. Scary!

MR. SCARY
I think we’ve had enough burping for one day.

JOSÉ
How can you have too much burping? Burping is pure entertainment.

SHELDON
I agree. My grampa can burp the ‘Star Spangled Banner’! I’ve been
trying to bring him in for show-and-tell. But he’s booked solid.

JUNIE B.
Sheldon comes from a talented family I think.
May picks up the Squeeze-A-Burp and reads:

MAY
“World’s Biggest belch in a Bag”. Ew.

JUNIE B.
That gift is a genius .

HERB
Definitely.

JUNIE B.
I would love, love, love to buy that thing.
 Page 37

HERB
Me too.

MAY
You’re supposed to buy for others, remember, Junie Jones?
Anyway, five dollars is a lot of money for a burp.

SHELDON
Yeah. Except for my grampa, everyone in my family still burps for free.

MR. SCARY
That’s all for today. Everyone back to class.

(The Squeeze-A-Burp is returned to the table and the students herd

offstage -- except Junie B., who eyes the vaunted toy, which has taken on
a strange, otherworldly glow...

Music Cue #13

Junie B-?
Lights shift and we are in June B.’s mind– where all the other students
have pooled their money to buy her a gift. She is presented with a very
huge box. She opens it to reveal: a very huge Squeeze-a-Burp. Everyone
is thrilled for Junie B. Mr. Scary congratulates her and gives her a star.
Lucille claps her hands and does a happy dance. Herb gives Junie B. a
high-five and José takes a picture of them standing next to the new toy.
Sheldon pokes the Squeeze-a-Burp and giggles. Only May dissents,
lurking around the thing with disapproval.)

STUDENTS
(a chant)
Squeeze it, squeeze it, squeeze it!

(With great fan fare, Junie B. gives the thing a great squeeze. It emits an
enormous burp, and blows May offstage. The students-- and Mr. Scary,
cheer.)

Junie B’s. Bedroom

Junie B. bounces with joy on her bed.

JUNIE B.
Good news, Philip Johnny Bob! Philip? Where did you go? Ha!

(She dives under her bed-- or leans far over the upstage side. We hear
some muffled laughter, maybe a little covert roughhousing, then Junie B.
pulls Philip Johnny Bob onto the bed. He is a stuffed elephant.)

JUNIE B.
Okay that’s not even fair. How am I going to do a tickle-fight if you’re
not actually ticklish? Huh, Philip?
 Page 38

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

I can’t help it if I’m not ticklish. I’m stuffed.
Besides, I’m a hugger, not a fighter.

(Junie B. jumps up and down on the bed, squeezing him and throwing him
into the air.)

JUNIE B.
Yeah, only I’m just so excited, Phil!

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

Please stop throwing me. Thank you. Now. Why are you excited?

JUNIE B.
‘Cause I’m going to get a Squeeze-A-Burp, that’s why!

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

A Squeeze-A-what?

JUNIE B.
Burp, Phil! Today was Room One’s day for the Holiday Gift Shop, where
you’re supposed to buy things for others, mostly. And so I’m only
buying one little toy for myself and it’s name is Squeeze-A-Burp!

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

Just only one little, bitty toy for yourself? That’s so fair of you.

JUNIE B.
I know it! ‘Cause one little toy is not even being a shellfish.
Right, Phil? Right?

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

Right!

JUNIE B.
My Grampa Miller said he will give me five whole dollars, which is
exactly what it will cost! Plus, my parents already gave me five dollars,
so everyone will still get their own entire gift that costs a dollar. And
so what could be nicer than that?

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

You’re a giver, Junie B.

(Junie B. removes a crumpled piece of paper from her pocket.)

JUNIE B.
Elf Ellen gave us a list of everything that costs a dollar.
She said we should study the list.
 Page 39

(They pour over the list.)

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

Hm. It’s hard to choose, isn’t it? There are some very lovely gift items.
(he does a double-take)
Tattoos?! They have tattoos?!
(he attempts a flip but manages only a belly-flop)
Okay that hurt.

JUNIE B.
Look, Phil-- they have five different kinds of tatoos!
And all of them really, really look real.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

Oooh. You can’t go wrong with tattoos.

JUNIE B.
I agree! And so it is all settled, Philip.
I will buy everyone their very own tattoos.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

And that will use up your whole ten dollars!

JUNIE B.
Five dollars for my family, and five dollars for the Squeeze-A-Burp.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

It works out perfect!

JUNIE B.
Yay!
(They tumble over each other, then relax on the bed in happy exhaustion.)

JUNIE B.
Friday is going to be fun. ‘Cause in the morning I will buy presents.
And in the afternoon, Room One will have our Secret Santa party!

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

Gifts and a Secret Santa party! What can be better than that?

JUNIE B.
Uh-oh.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

Uh-oh?

JUNIE B.
The Secret Santa gift, Philip. I forgot that I have to buy a Secret
Santa gift for dumb old May!
 Page 40

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

Yeah, so?

JUNIE B.
So all of my ten dollars is already used up.
And so where will I get the money for May? Where, Philip? Where?

(They stare out into the abyss, thinking hard. Philip Johnny Bob suddenly
has a “light bulb” moment.)

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

From Mother and Daddy, of course! Money for school presents is their
job, Junie B. Not yours.

JUNIE B.
Whew. You’re right, Phil. It is their job. Plus, a gift for May won’t
even cost much, hardly.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

Any dumb old gift will do for May, right?

JUNIE B.
(shaking a finger at him)
Hey, hey, hey. That is not a good attitude, Mister.

(Philip Johnny Bob lowers his head and pretends to feel really bad.
A pause, then they both laugh their heads off.
Lights cut. Junie B. steps into her journal light, talking to the audience.)

JUNIE B.
I cannot believe this situation! The next morning Mother said no more
money. Plus Daddy said no more money, too. They said they already
gave me five dollars and Grampa Miller gave me five whole dollars more,
only he was not supposed to tell them that! And so great! Now I have
stress in my head. I need an extra buck, I tell you! I really, really
need an extra buck!

Room One
Junie B. sits at her desk. Herb turns around in his seat.

HERB
I know, Junie B. You told me that on the bus, remember? But I don’t
have a buck. I really, really don’t.

(He turns to face front. Junie B. taps him on the head with her pencil.)

JUNIE B.
Yeah, only I don’t need it now , Herb. I need it for tomorrow . And so
 Page 41

just bring me a dollar tomorrow. And I will be your bestest friend.

(Herb turns around again.)

HERB
You already are my bestest friend. Plus I already told you. My
mother will only give me the exact amount I need for my gifts. She
says every time she gives me extra money, I lose it.

JUNIE B.
Mothers. They’re all the same. They think children lose everything .
And we don’t.

HERB
I know we don’t. It’s ridiculous. Can I borrow a pencil? I lost mine.

JUNIE B.
Sure.

(She hands him a pencil, then leans across the isle and taps on José.)

JUNIE B.
Psst! José! I need an extra buck tomorrow. Can you bring an extra
buck? Huh, José? Please, please, please?

JOSÉ
Sorry. My parents are muy tacaños.
That means ‘tightwads’ in Spanish.

SHELDON
My parents are tightwads, too! I’ve never had an extra buck in my life.

(Lucille waves a credit card.)

LUCILLE
I never carry cash. Cash is tacky.

(May jumps up and waves her hand in the air.)

MAY
Ask me, Junie Jones. Ask me! My parents aren’t tightwads. I always
have extra money. I have two whole dollars with me right now.
Want to see?

JUNIE B.
I don’t know, maybe.

(May takes out a shiney plastic wallet, unsnaps it, and displays two crisp
dollar bills.)
 Page 42

MAY
See? I told you I had money. My parents say I should always have
money in case of an emergency.

JUNIE B.
Wowie wow wow! What a coincidence. ‘Cause this is a ‘mergency, May.
And so if you will just give me one of those dollars, that will take care
of my whole entire problem!

MAY
Don’t be silly. This is for my emergencies. Not yours , Junie Jones.

JUNIE B.
But-- but you are a giver , May! Remember?
You are a giver and I am a shellfish.

MAY
Yeah, so?

JUNIE B.
So if you give me a dollar...I will take a dollar. And that will make
sense for both of us!

(May briefly considers this.)

MAY
No. I can’t. My father says that friends should never borrow money
from each other.

(Junie B. claps for joy.)

JUNIE B.
Then it’s perfect . ‘Cause you and I aren’t friends. I don’t even like
you, May! Plus, listen to this. I’m not even “borrowing “ the money.
You’re just giving it to me! And I’m not paying you back!

(May glares at Junie B., then puts the money away and returns to her
seat.)

I don’t get it. That was the best arguing I ever thought of.
What went wrong there?

HERB
I think it might have been the “I don’t even like you, May” part.

SHELDON
Plus the “I’m not paying you back” part was probably not the way to
go, either.
 Page 43

MAY
Or else maybe you were never, ever getting the money in the first place.
Did you ever think of that, Junie Jones?

(May and Junie square up and share an intense glare.)

JUNIE B.
It’s Junie B. Jones. B-B-B-B-B!

(Mr. Scary enters with white paper lunch bags.)

MR. SCARY
Class, these sacks are going to hold our Secret Santa gifts. Today each
one of you will decorate your own sack. And tomorrow your Secret
Santa will put your gift inside. Sound like fun?

STUDENTS
Fun!

MAY
Really, really fun. Thinking about Secret Santa Day puts me in a happy
mood. Even Junie Jones can’t ruin my Secret Santa Day tomorrow!

(She skips happily around her desk, sticking her tongue out each time she
passes Junie B. The students skip offstage.)

JUNIE B.
(to audience)
That meanie girl doesn’t even deserve a Secret Santa gift, I tell you!
She doesn’t deserve any dumb gift at all! If I was the real Santa
Clause, I would give May coal in her stocking. That’s what she really
deserves. Coal.
(pause)
That just gave me chill bumps. I am a genius, I think.

Music Cue # repeat of another previous cue

Junie B.’s Bedroom-- or simply her “space” on the stage.
Junie B. rushes on, carrying a charcoal briquette in a ziplock baggie.

JUNIE B.
Coal! Coal! I got coal, Phil! See it? Huh? Where are you, anyway?

(She glances around, looking for Philip Johnny Bob. Perhaps he’s under
something...or maybe he gets tossed onto the stage.)

JUNIE B.
(holding it up)
See the coal?
 Page 44

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

Why do you have coal?

JUNIE B.
On account of coal is what the real Santa Claus gives mean children.
And so that is exactly what I will give May!

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

Coal.

JUNIE B.
I got it from Daddy’s barbeque grill, where he cooks hamburgers and
hotdogs.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

Yeah, only here’s the problem. That’s not actually coal.
That’s called a charcoal briquette.

JUNIE B.
Yes, Philip. I know it’s a charcoal briquette. But I saw a picture of
coal before and it looks exactly like this, kind of.
And so May will not even know the difference.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

Oh, I get it. The coal is to teach her a lesson.

JUNIE B.
Right, Phil. That’s how come Santa thought of coal in the first place.
To teach bad children lessons.
(pause)
Right, Phil? Right?

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

Right! Plus, after May learns her lesson ... she can grill herself a hot dog!

JUNIE B.
Yes! Ha! A hot dog! You are one funny elephant, Mister!

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

And you are a genius , Madame!

(Junie B. drops the coal baggie into her backpack.)

JUNIE B.
Ha! The perfect Secret Santa gift for meanie May.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOB

And it didn’t even cost you a single cent!
 Page 45

(She stows the backpack.)

JUNIE B.
And that is that...so there!

Room One
Junie B. rushes to her desk, drops her backpack on the floor, and takes her
shoe off.

HERB
What are you doing, Junie B.?

JUNIE B.
I’ve got something in my shoe. It’s pressing against my piggy toe.
She digs around, then pulls out a wadded-up dollar.
And another. And another.

HERB
You’ve got money in there?

JUNIE B.
Hiding money in your shoe is a good way to keep it safe from pickpocket
people. I saw that on the Travel Channel.

MAY
(holding her nose)
Yes, that is disgusting, Junie Jones. People should not play with their
own stinky feet. Right, Lucille? Right?

JUNIE B.
Then whose stinky feet should we play with?

MAY
(covering her ears)
I am not going to listen to you today. Today is Secret Santa Day, and
I am not going to let you ruin my happy mood.
(she taps José’s head)
Happy Secret Santa Day, José! I can’t wait for the party, can you?
I dressed all in red and green today. See?

(She stands up and displays her unusual outfit.)

JOSÉ
When my grandfather does that we make him go back and change.

MAY
See the ribbons on my braids? One is red and one is green. Just like
my socks. And see? My sweater is green and my dress is red.
 Page 46

This is how everyone should dress on Secret Santa Day!

SHELDON
Santa is a different religion than me. I’m Jewish.

MAY
You can still dress up. You could wear red and green Jewish clothes!
(she twirls, trying to mimic Lucille)
Every time I think about our party it makes my skin prickle.
Want to see?
(she closes her eyes, then shivers)
Woo! I felt it! I felt my skin prickle again!

(The other students stare at her.)

JUNIE B.
You are acting like a nut. How come you are acting like a nut?

(May scowls, then quickly breaks into a beatific smile.)

MAY
Ha! See that, Junie Jones? See how fast I smiled? Even if you call me
names, you still can’t ruin my happy mood today.

(The bell rings. Mr. Scary enters.)

MR. SCARY
Alright, class. It’s time to --

(The students spring from their desks and bolt for the door, forming a fast
line. )

MR. SCARY
...line up for the gift shop.

JUNIE B.
Yay! Yay! I’m first in line, I’m first in line!
(Junie B. hops, twirls, and skips in little joyous circles.)

MR. SCARY
Junie B., please settle down.

JUNIE B.
(to audience)
I tried to please settle down, but my feet would not stop bouncing!
That’s how come Mr. Scary finally gave up on me. And he held my
hand. And the two of us led Room One to the gift shop!
I zoomed in the door as fast as I could and ran straight to Table Five.
 Page 47

(Elf Ellen appears in a light; she holds the Squeeze-A-Burp and, during
the following speech she places it in a shopping bag, hands it to Junie B.,
then exits.)

JUNIE B.
But wait till you hear this. There was only one Squeeze-A-Burp left! I
did a gasp at that situation-- then I quick grabbed it, payed my money,
and hid it in my sweater. My very own Squeeze-A-Burp-- it was a
dream come true, I tell you!

Room One
The students are back in Room One, delighting at the holiday decorations
and treats on their desks.

ALL STUDENTS
Party, alright!/ Ooh, look-- cupcakes!/ Marshmallow snowmen! I love
those guys!/ It’s Secret Santa time!

MR. SCARY
Boys and girls, all of the paper sacks we decorated and signed in class
are on this table. When I call your name, you will walk to the table
and I’ll help you find the right bag for your present, okay? Then you’ll
secretly drop your Secret Santa gift inside and walk back to your desk.
You may write or draw in your journal until it’s your turn. And
remember ... no peeking!

HERB
I already know who my Secret Santa is.

SHELDON
No you don’t! But it’s not me.

MR. SCARY
Lucille, why don’t you start.

(Lucille skips to the front of the room and does a twirl.)

LUCILLE
In case anyone missed seeing my expensive party dress today. My
richie nana had it made just for me by a seamstress . Notice that the
bodice is crafted of the finest --

MR. SCARY
Just put the gift in the bag, Lucille.

(Lucille skips over to the table with her giftshop bag. During this, Junie B.
reaches inside her backpack, pulls out the baggie with the coal in it, and
drops it into her gift-shop bag. May suddenly turns around in her seat.)
 Page 48

MAY
What are you doing over there, Junie Jones?

JUNIE B.
NOTHING. I’m not doing anything, May! I’m just sitting at my seat
being perfectly perfect. That’s it. End of story. Turn around.

MR. SCARY
Sheldon, you’re next.

(Sheldon rises with his gift-shop bag.)

SHELDON
No one look -- especially Herb.

(He goes to the table. May turns around in her seat again.)

MAY
Are you getting excited, Junie Jones? I’m getting excited.

HERB
I’m getting excited, too.

JOSÉ
Me too.

(May is downright giddy, squirming and bouncing in her seat.)

MAY
Having a Secret Santa makes you feel like you have a best friend, right
José?

JOSÉ
But I do have a best friend, May. My best friend is Sheldon.

HERB
And my best friend is Junie B.

JUNIE B.
And my bestest friend is Y-O-U, Herbert!

LUCILLE
And I have lots of best friends at my nana’s yacht club!

(May suddenly becomes very still.)

MAY
Oh. Right.
(pause)
 Page 49

Well, anyway ... that’s what it makes me feel like. Having a Secret
Santa makes me feel like I have a best friend, too.

(Silence. They all face front.)

HERB
(quietly, to Junie B.)
Maybe May doesn’t click with anyone.

MR. SCARY
May. You’re up.

MAY
Me! Me! It’s time for me!

(She grabs her gift-shop bag and runs to the Secret Santa table.)

JUNIE B.
(to audience-- in her journal light)
Dear First-Grade Journal. I keep thinking about May’s present.
I wonder what will happen when she sees the coal.
I wonder what her face will look like.
I wonder if she will learn a lesson.
I wonder if Santa will be proud of me.
(pause)
That is all the things I am wondering.
Junie B. Jones, First Grader.

(May returns to her seat, joyfully skipping past Junie B.)

MR. SCARY
Junie B.?

(A pause, then Junie B. picks up her gift shop bag and rises, ever so
slowly. She peeks inside the bag, stares at the coal, and looks away. May
sings softly, blissfully happy.)

MAY
“Frosty the Snowman, was a very happy soul
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of COAL”

(Junie B. stops abruptly, stares at May, then slowly makes her way to the
gift table. She stands before it, staring at the student’s sacks.)

MR. SCARY
Looks like you could use some help.
 Page 50

JUNIE B.
No! No help. No, thank you, Mr. Scary. I can do this all by myself.

(She wipes her sweaty hand on her skirt. She picks out May’s over-
decorated sack. She gulps.)

MR. SCARY
Junie B.? Are you sure you don’t need any help?

JUNIE B.
Yes.

(She shoo’s him away, then, her back to the audience, she grabs May’s
present out of the gift shop bag and drops it into May’s sack.)

There! It’s done.

(softly)
The end.
Music Cue #14
(Lights shift to a sickly hue. Weird ‘Frosty the Snowman’ music plays.
Everyone slows down and gestures become distorted and eerie.
Junie B. tries to make her way back to her desk.
A fierce, chill wind seems to prevent her. She trudges through the snowy
cold. The Abominable Snowman (Bumble?) moans in the distance.
Finally, she makes it to the safety of her desk. She buries her head in her
arms. Lights restore to normal and happy holiday music plays.

(Mr. Scary, wearing a too-big Santa hat, passes out the Secret Santa
sacks.)

MR. SCARY
Okay, everyone. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for! When I
count to three, we’ll open our gifts all together.

(May jumps out of her seat and claps.)

MAY
You’ve got a deal, Mister S!
(She sits.)

MR. SCARY
Ready?

STUDENTS (EXCEPT JUNIE B.)

Ready!

MR. SCARY
One ... two ... three ..!
 Page 51

(The students dig their gifts out of their sacks and squeal with delight.)

SHELDON
Look everyone! Look what I got!

HERB
Awesome! This is cool!

LUCILLE
What do you know. I don’t even have this!

JOSÉ
Esto es justo lo que queria! (trans: This is just what I wanted!)

(During the above, May has not moved. She stares into her sack, a look of
disbelief frozen on her face.)

HERB
What did you get, May?

SHELDON
What’s wrong with her? Huh?

LUCILLE
Is she sick?

STUDENTS
WHAT’S WRONG WITH MAY?

MR. SCARY
May? Is there a problem?

(A tearful May wordlessly hands him her gift sack. Mr. Scary looks
inside.)

Oh. Oh my.

(Mr. Scary solemnly hands the sack back to her.)

MAY
I can’t believe anyone would do this.

SHELDON
Do what?

(May reaches into her sack and pulls out her gift.)

LUCILLE
 Page 52

The Squeeze-A-Burp! Someone got May the Squeeze-A-Burp!

JOSÉ
That thing costs a fortune!

HERB
Squeeze it!

STUDENTS
SQUEEZE IT! SQUEEZE IT! SQUEEZE IT!

(May cautiously rises and gives the thing a good squeeze. It burps
magnificently.)

STUDENTS
DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!

(She does. It burps. The students crack up – except for Junie B.)

STUDENTS
YAY MAY!

MAY
(overwhelmed)
I think I’m being popular.

(She skips around and around Junie B., and circles the class, displaying
her expensive new toy.)

HERB
She’s acting like a regular kid. Who knew?

JUNIE B.
Yeah. Who knew.

HERB
What’s wrong, Junie B.?

JUNIE B.
I really, really wanted that toy, Herb. I wanted it real bad.

HERB
Yeah. Hey, you haven’t even looked in your sack.

(Junie B. picks up her sack and glances inside.)

JUNIE B.
Crayons! My Secret Santa bought me brand-new crayons! Who even
knew that I needed these things?
 Page 53

STUDENTS
Everyone.

JUNIE B.
(Junie B. opens the box.)
And look, people! The greenie’s not a stubbie.
And the red is perfectly pointy!
(she breathes them in deeply)
And they still have that new-crayon smell!

(May skips over to Junie B.’s desk and plops down, fanning herself.)

MAY
Whew! Being popular really gets you tired. Right, Junie Jones? Right?

JUNIE B.
(quietly)
Right, May.

(May stands up, ready to roll.)

MAY
I have a lot more burping to do before the bell rings.

(But instead of skipping away, May sets the Squeeze-A-Burp on Junie

B.’s desktop.)

MAY
Want to try it, Junie Jones?

JUNIE B.
No kidding? You would really, really let me do a burp?
(Without waiting for a response, Junie B. picks up the toy and squeezes it
for all she’s worth. It makes the biggest burp you ever heard. The whole
class cheers. May claps and claps. Junie B. is uncharacteristically
humbled.)

JUNIE B.
Wowie wow wow.

STUDENTS
JUNIE B.! JUNIE B.! JUNIE B.!

(Mr. Scary stands next to Junie B., patiently holding out a small waste
basket.)

MR. SCARY
Trash..?
 Page 54

(He winks at her and nods. A pause, then Junie B. covertly drops her coal
baggie in the can.)

JUNIE B.
(to audience)
How do teachers know this stuff?!

MAY
You can burp it again, if you want.

(Junie squeezes the toy. It erupts with the perfect burp.)

MAY
Ha! That was a good one, Junie B.! You did good !

JUNIE B.
(quietly, smiling)
I did. I did good.

(May picks up her toy and starts to skip away.)

JUNIE B.
WHOA! HOLD THE PHONE - !
Did you just say my “B”? ‘Cause I really, really thought you said my
“B” just now. I’m almost positive you did, in fact.

MAY
Really? I said your “B”? Huh. That’s funny.

(May slyly smiles at Junie B. and skips away.)

Music Cue # repeat of cue #11

JUNIE B.
(to audience)
After that, May sat next to me and we licked our candy canes. It was
very peaceful of us. We were having goodwill, I believe. Only I don’t
even know why. ‘Cause I still really wanted that Squeeze-A-Burp, I
tell you! And so how come I felt so good inside?
Maybe Philip Johnny Bob will help me figure it out.
But for right now, there’s only one thing I was really, really hoping for.
(in her journal light)
Dear Santa. I really hope that you were watching me just now. That’s
all I hope. Love, Junie B. -- Giver.
(she walks out of her light, then jumps back in)
P.S. You don’t happen to have an extra Squeeze-A-Burp up there,
do you ..?
Peace and Goodwill. Amen.

(Lights blink out.)

 Page 55

END OF PLAY

Curtain call with a really rockin’ rendition of Jingle Bells -- brings out the
cast on with puppets and singing. It should be a joyous holiday party that
makes everyone in the audience feel they’ve been invited to celebrate.

MOVIE ROLL INS

Movie 1
(Slightly threatening music plays as lights briefly reveal
two “bad” chairs in the principal’s office.)

Movie 2 - black-&-white like a silent movie - music - sound effect - cheering are heard
Lights shift and we are in June B.’s mind– where all the other students have pooled their money to buy her a
gift. She is presented with a very huge box. She opens it to reveal: a very huge Squeeze-a-Burp. Everyone is
thrilled for Junie B.
Mr. Scary congratulates her and gives her a star. Lucille claps her hands and does a happy dance. Herb
gives Junie B. a high-five and José takes a picture of them standing next to the new toy. Sheldon pokes the
Squeeze-a-Burp and giggles. Only May dissents, lurking around the thing with disapproval.)

STUDENTS
(a chant)
Squeeze it, squeeze it, squeeze it!

(With great fan fare, Junie B. gives the thing a great squeeze. It emits an enormous burp, and blows May
offstage. The students-- and Mr. Scary, cheer.)

Movie 3
(Lights shift to a sickly hue. Weird ‘Frosty the Snowman’ music plays. Everyone slows down and gestures
become distorted and eerie.
Junie B. tries to make her way back to her desk.
A fierce, chill wind seems to prevent her. She trudges through the snowy cold. The Abominable Snowman
moans in the distance.
Finally, she makes it to the safety of her desk. She buries her head in her arms. Lights restore to normal and
happy holiday music plays.