Academic Validation

Once upon a time, in a small village lived a young academic smart girl. She was a
very smart teenager.

The girl was very hungry for academic validation for her winning was everything.
She measured the success just by the score she got.

Who need genius compliments anymore when a high score etched on the top right
corner of a page can do so much more? Really though, academic validation is
sweet. I mean, how could you not like it? A good grade is concrete proof that
you’re a competent and dignified person. Right? Well, yes and no.

As a female-identifying person, I often get the sense that we subconsciously feel

the need to prove that we are smart in order to dismantle ridiculous gender
stereotypes and avoid “mansplaining”.

I was always behind the other kids in elementary school, and it was hard seeing my
classmates get better grades than me when I was putting in twice the work and
effort. However, once I got that first A+ (that I waited a long time for) I held onto
that feeling and felt the need to stay there for as long as I could.

All this to say that the thirst for academic validation is justified, but it’s not
something that we should rely on.

Academic validation was a tool that helped me feel like I had more control of how
I viewed myself. I thought the confidence and self-fulfillment after getting a good
grade motivated me to put my best foot forward. I was enthusiastic to receive
positive feedback from a teacher or parent about my schoolwork.

However, the consequences of obsessively maintaining good grades eventually

outweighed the benefits.

I relied heavily on my grades to validate my work ethic in my sophomore year of

high school. I wanted someone, or something, to indicate I was good enough.

It felt like it was the only aspect of my life I could control because I didn’t have
power over other things, like boys not liking me. I could control how long I sat at
my desk studying, the number of times I proofread and how long I read my
textbook.

The validation I pursued wasn’t enough for me because I set such high
expectations for myself. If I got a B+ rather than an A, I kicked myself for not
being good enough. There was a heaviness I carried throughout high school as
constant thoughts of “your best isn’t good enough,” and “you’re not that smart
after all” spun circles in my mind.

My academic anxiety skyrocketed. I couldn’t take a single test without my leg

bobbing, my palms sweating and my heart beating rapidly. The idea of getting a
low grade was unnerving because I thought the grade reflected my self-worth. I
began to assume the hard work I was putting in wasn’t enough and must’ve meant
I was a failure.

Having negative thoughts about myself hurt my self-image and I found receiving
positive feedback on my schoolwork made me feel horrible inside. I had no clue
how to deal with the emotional pain the thoughts were causing me.
During the beginning of my junior year of high school, I avoided my
uncomfortable feelings by doing everything I could to not take them seriously and
focus on schoolwork. I was convinced that criticizing myself couldn’t be a bad
thing because it was my motivator, but I began thinking in extremes. I was either
successful and smart or a failure and dumb.

The disparaging thoughts in my head were getting louder, I started having panic
attacks when I thought too negatively about my schoolwork. While studying my
geometry notes at my desk one afternoon, my heart rate increased, tears spilled
from my eyes and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

It was my first panic attack, and the physical sensations made me realize these
thoughts were not normal. I neglected my mental health for the sake of getting a
good grade, something had to change.

I began taking care of myself by prioritizing sleep again and ensuring I was giving
myself breaks during homework. I also taught myself to rewire my thinking by
noticing unkind thoughts and then making them more positive. I’d change a
negative thought pattern from, “You’re just not good enough at this,” to, “I’m only
human and I’m trying to show up in the best way I can.”

I was able to find validation by acknowledging my successes, while also being

kind to myself when it came to my mistakes. I now know my grades are not always
indications of how smart I am. My relationship with my grades is healthier now
because I feel validated just knowing I can survive moments of low self-esteem.