M

OS
ES
Technical Difficulties

The footage
SS
Written by

Moses Ssebandeke
E BA
ND
EK

Draft version: 29th January 2023

E

Edited: 12th November 2023

 TEASER
M
INT. FRONT DESK, KIT STORE - DAY

In a dingy, claustrophobic kit store, KEVIN, 30, chats to

OS
TOLU, 28. He explains various pieces of filming equipment
that she has brought in.

TOLU
So- that should be everything! If there’s
anything missing just let me know. Let
ES
KEVIN
No- that's all good.

Kevin looks over to SAPPHIRE, 23, who tries to gesture

something. Kevin’s confusion grows.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
SS
Only thing that was missing was you.

Sapphire facepalms at the statement.

TOLU
Excuse me?
E
KEVIN
I mean- I missed you. Like- I mean I
missed you when you came and collected
BA

the kit last time-

Tolu is a bit freaked out.

TOLU
Oh- yeah- I came when you must’ve been off!
ND

KEVIN
I know I know.

Kevin removes an SD card from the camera.

KEVIN (CONT'D) (CONT’D)

EK

Have you taken off the footage you

need from this?

TOLU
Do you think they tell me anything?
I’m at the bottom at the food chain. A
beast of burden.
E

KEVIN
You’re definitely the Beast!
2

TOLU
Is that what you think of me?
M
KEVIN
Best- I meant the best! Out of all the
crew members that come here- you’re by
FAR the most professional!
OS
TOLU
Thanks! I’m just get given my orders
and comply. I feel like a robot.

KEVIN
ES
What kind of robot? Might be a cute
one like the one from ‘Ex- Machina’?

Kevin proceeds to do the most excruciatingly awkward robot

dance ever performed.

TOLU
(laughing)
SS
The one that kills everyone at the end?

KEVIN
No- I’m not saying that!

An awkward silence fills the air.

E
TOLU
Well- production might be thinking
where the hell I am.
BA

KEVIN
Good luck with the rest of the shoot.

Kevin attempts his robot impression once more.

ND

KEVIN (CONT’D)
(robotic voice)
I- did- not- kill- him.

Tolu stares blankly at him.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
EK

You know- ‘I Robot’.

TOLU
(awkwardly)
Okay-

As she walks away, Kevin resumes the abhorrent robot dance.

E

Tolu looks back in pure disgust before exiting.

CUT TO:
3

ACT ONE
M
INT. CAMERA ROOM, KIT STORE - LATER

Sapphire holds a script. IVAN, 28, stands in front of a

OS
camera being recorded.

SAPPHIRE
I’ve watched live-streamed vasectomies
with more game- honestly.
ES
IVAN
Please- can we concentrate on the
important stuff?

SAPPHIRE
I think hood Macbeth can wait-

IVAN
SS
It’s MAC-BRUV!

Ivan composes himself before speaking again.

IVAN (CONT’D)
I’m not gonna lose the opportunity to be
E
in an all-black Shakespeare production- I
don’t wanna clean lenses my whole life.

SAPPHIRE
BA

Don’t you think it’s a bit offensive

that it’s just touring the trap-houses
and not real theatres?

IVAN
Crackheads appreciate theatre too.
ND

SAPPHIRE
That one only watched your show
BECAUSE you offered them crack!

IVAN
Hey- a job is a job! This and the
EK

erectile dysfunction ad have been the

only auditions I’ve got for the past 3
months. I can’t afford to be picky.

SAPPHIRE
I still think you should be the face
of ’Stand and Deliver’.
E

Sapphire shrugs, then begins reading from the script.

4

IVAN
Wait- don’t forget to press record!
Is there a card in there? I’m not
M
gonna improvise making love to a
tripod again for nothing!

Sapphire looks around for a SD card. She spots the same one
OS
that Kevin removed earlier. She picks it up and puts it in
the camera, clearing it of all previous footage.

SAPPHIRE
There you go- happy?
ES
Ivan composes himself, then clears his throat. He begins.

IVAN
Oi Mac-duff you pussyhole!

CUT TO:
SS
INT. FRONT DESK, KIT STORE - FOLLOWING DAY

Kevin eats his half-cooked pot noodle, his eyes fixated on

his laptop screen. He’s watching a livestream of two
podcasters on YouTube.
E
They are the typical ‘Alpha male podcast bro‘ types, in their
Mid-20s. One is TAZ, 25, and SMASHER, 24.

TAZ
BA

Yo- welcome back to ALPHA Anonymous!

SMASHER
This Is another AA meeting! And you’re
about to embark on a 12-step program
on how to drown in pussy!
ND

TAZ
Hi. I’m Taz- and I’m a pussyholic.

They obnoxiously high-five each other.

SMASHER
EK

Simp to pimp in 90 days- or your money

back!

TAZ
For the small price of £999.99 a month!

SMASHER
E

Before we begin- remember to grab

tickets for our live show in London
this weekend.
5

TAZ
Get ready to conquer the coochie-
M
SMASHER
Vanquish vagina-

TAZ
OS
Tame the tit-

Sapphire enters with some kit. Kevin slams his laptop shut to
make sure she has not seen what he has been watching.

SAPPHIRE
ES
You know I.T. can see all your
browsing history? As long it’s legal
and doesn’t involve animals- I’m not
gonna judge.

KEVIN
No- I’m not watching that-
SS
Kevin shamefully opens the laptop to reveal the podcast.

SAPPHIRE
You’re watching those two idiots?
There're easier ways to get girls you
know!
E
KEVIN
What can I do? I have no game at ALL.
BA

SAPPHIRE
It’s all about belief!

KEVIN
I’m not exactly
‘Malcolm Flex- leader of Rizzlam’.
ND

SAPPHIRE
(Laughing)
See! You need to drop those types of bars!

KEVIN
I know- but I just- you know- clam up
EK

in front of women I like.

The phone rings and Kevin answers instantly.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
Hey Hey! This is Kevin- the king of
Kit- AKA the KKK! How can I help you?
E
6

SAPPHIRE
(Under her breath)
We really need to change that name
M
KEVIN
(Voice-break)
Tolu?
OS
SAPPHIRE
I’ll leave you to it!

Sapphire goes into the back room. Kevin attempts to compose himself.
ES
KEVIN
Hello?

TOLU (O.S.)
Thank God- I thought you’d be closed
by now! Thank God you’re still open!

KEVIN
SS
I’m always here for you- I mean we-
we’re always here for you.

TOLU (O.S.)
I left an SD card there with the
footage on- turns out the DIT didn’t
E
back the card up like he should’ve.
Please tell me you still have it?

Kevin starts frantically scanning the desk. He doesn’t see anything.

BA

KEVIN
(nervously)
Yeah- of course! I’m looking at it right now!

TOLU (O.S.)
ND

Thank god- you’re a lifesaver!

I don’t know how I can thank you enough!

Kevin realises this is his chance.

KEVIN
Well- maybe a drink? You know- if you
EK

want.

TOLU (O.S.)
A Drink?

KEVIN
No pressure- it’s not like
E

I’m saying you need to meet me in the

pub to get the card.
7

TOLU (O.S.)
(Laughing)
No- it’s all right! We’re on a break from
M
filming this weekend. I can grab the card
on Monday- we can grab a drink after?

KEVIN
OS
I’d love that!

TOLU
Great! And remember the card- I’ll
lose my job if I lose that footage.
ES
Kevin hesitates.

KEVIN
Don’t you worry- I’m watching the footage
right now! Your secret’s safe with me.

Kevin is watching a YouTube video of a tap-dancing hamster.

SS
TOLU (O.S.)
See you Monday!

Tolu hangs up. Kevin punches the air in celebration and runs
to the backroom to tell the others.
E
CUT TO:

INT. CAMERA ROOM, KIT STORE - DAY

BA

Sapphire and Ivan are watching Ivan‘s audition tape.

He’s in full character, reading his lines to three tripods

that appear to be standing in as the three witches.
ND

IVAN (ON VIDEO)

So you’re saying I can be king? I just
need to shank up King Duncan?

It cuts to the three tripods- who don’t say anything.

IVAN (CONT'D) (CONT’D)

EK

Alright no long tin-

Kevin bounds in, filled with joy.

KEVIN
Your boy has secured a date!
E

SAPPHIRE
That’s funny- the devil never called to
let me know hell became a ski resort.
8

KEVIN
With that runner- BRRRAAAPPP!
M
IVAN
Please don’t tell me you promised her
free kit hire?
OS
KEVIN
Me and her are going for a drink after
she collects the card she left here.
Have you seen it? It was on my desk.

SAPPHIRE
ES
On your desk?

Kevin’s enthusiasm descends into dread. He turns to the

screen playing Ivan’s audition tape. He pounces to the
computer screen and starts shaking it.

KEVIN
SS
Please tell me this isn’t recorded on
the card.

SAPPHIRE
I can not not tell you that was the
card?
E
Kevin frantically goes over the footage, but just sees Ivan
on the thumbnails.
BA

KEVIN
How could you record over their
footage?

IVAN
I just cleared the card to give room
ND

for my performance- I didn’t want

anything tainting it!

KEVIN
Well I really hope you get this job-
because you don’t have one here anymore.
EK

SAPPHIRE
It’s not our fault the production
didn’t bother to offload their cards!

KEVIN
We’re gonna lose a valuable client Ivan!
And more importantly- I’m gonna lose my
E

chance with Tolu! A chain reaction that

results in you two losing your jobs!
9

SAPPHIRE
We can retrieve the footage!
M
Ivan shoots Sapphire a look of confusion.

IVAN
We can?
OS
Sapphire kicks Ivan to comply

IVAN (CONT’D)
Oh yeah- I remember! We can!
ES
KEVIN
You sure?

SAPPHIRE
It’ll take a weekend- but we’ll have
it ready for Monday.

Kevin calms himself from anger down to neutrality.

SS
KEVIN
I’ll leave it in your hands.

Kevin leaves.
E
IVAN
Why are you putting his hopes up?
That footage is gone!
BA

SAPPHIRE
Lets re-film it! We have all the kit
here! Plus- I started this course by a
kid in Bali. I’m learning how to deep-
fake!
ND

IVAN
You’re on that same shit I bought for
the crackhead!

SAPPHIRE
Come on- we have your acting talents
AND the kit- lets search up what they
EK

were filming! Most of the time they

don’t even use the footage. We re-
record the footage they lost and-
voilà! No trip to the job centre for
us!

Ivan can do nothing besides let out a groan.

E

CUT TO:
10

INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE HALL - DAY

The ‘Alpha Anonymous’ live podcast recording is being held in

M
a run-down community centre hall, with around 20 fans in
attendance, chatting amongst themselves. Kevin enters,
sitting at the back of the room.
OS
Suddenly, loud music begins to pound around the room. The
audience cease their chatter and take their seats.

TAZ
(Through a megaphone)
Get ready to be pimpified! To become a
ES
new man! Say welcome- to Alpha Anonymous!

There is an enthusiastic applause from the audience as

Smasher and Taz run on-stage in matching suits.

SMASHER
Hello London! Can I get a woop?
SS
AUDIENCE
(In unison)
WOOP!

TAZ
First things first- I need to know why
E
some of you simps are here.

He snaps his finger, and an usher proceeds to pass the mic to

different audience members.
BA

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1
My girlfriend left me- and I think
she’s with someone new.

TAZ
ND

Forget her bro- she is now what we

call a ’News at 10’- because SHE is on
the BBC!

SMASHER
That big black co-
EK

TAZ
Next question!

The usher grabs the mic from the distraught man and passes it
to another audience member.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2
E

The girl I liked rejected me because

I’m not manly enough.
11

SMASHER
Well I don’t blame her- you look like
a cross between a mole and an
M
accountant! Next!

The usher grabs the mic, and passes it to another audience member
OS
AUDIENCE MEMBER #3
Last time I drank, I woke up in a
supermarket covered in yoghurt.

SMASHER
Sir- the actual AA meeting is down the
ES
hall. NEXT!

The usher drags the clueless audience member away. Kevin

looks on in complete awe.

CUT TO:
SS
INT. KIT STORE - DAY

Ivan looks over a list of bullet points. Sapphire bursts in,

full of confidence.

IVAN
E
You’re a bit too cheerful for someone
who’s about to be on the dole.

SAPPHIRE
BA

Because I know we’re gonna do this!

IVAN
It’s hopeless- I did a little research-
this film is being kept under wraps.
All I could find was an article
ND

calling it ‘The usual Oscar bait

kitchen sink drama starring aging
actress.’

SAPPHIRE
You’re in luck my friend- I already
have actors. Come in guys!
EK

A band of peculiar characters enter. One of them is the CRACKHEAD

that came to Ivan’s one-man show, along with a CONFUSED OLD LADY,
and an 18-YEAR-OLD, holding a life-size cutout of Idris Elba.

SAPPHIRE (CONT’D)
Meet our cast!
E

IVAN
Are you serious?
12

CONFUSED OLD LADY

Nigel- is that you? You made it home
from Normandy?
M
Ivan looks to Sapphire, exasperated.

SAPPHIRE
OS
That has to be worth at least 4 Oscar noms.

CRACKHEAD
How long til I get my crack?

Ivan shoots a death stare to Sapphire.

ES
SAPPHIRE
Way ahead of you! Already checked
equity- half of all actors accept
drugs instead of cash.

Ivan lets out a huge groan and falls into his chair.
SS
IVAN
I don’t even want to know why he is holding
a cardboard cutout of stringer bell-

SAPPHIRE
Diversity! You’re not against
E
Diversity- are you Ivan?

Ivan grabs a cable and pretends to strangle himself with it.

BA

SAPPHIRE (CONT'D) (CONT’D)

Look- lets just use what we have right
now.

IVAN
At least let me direct.
ND

SAPPHIRE
(Reluctantly)
Fine.

IVAN
What’s wrong now?
EK

SAPPHIRE
Nothings wrong.

IVAN
You sure?
E

SAPPHIRE
You just become a bit- controlling
when you direct. That’s all.
13

IVAN
Isn’t that the director’s job?
M
Sapphire gives a disapproving glance at him.

IVAN (CONT'D) (CONT’D)

Okay- I promise I’ll be more director
OS
than dictator.

The negotiation is interrupted by the sound of liquid

leaking. Sapphire and Ivan turn their attention to the old
lady- she is pissing herself.
ES
Sapphire sighs and passes a £20 not to the teenager holding
the Idris Elba cutout.

SAPPHIRE
Damn- thought the crackhead would
piss himself first.

CUT TO:
SS
E BA
ND
EK
E
14

ACT TWO
M
INT. BACKSTAGE, COMMUNITY CENTRE - DAY

Smasher and Taz enter the backstage area drenched in sweat.

OS
TAZ
What a bunch of chumps!

SMASHER
The way you told that guy the way out
ES
of being “forever alone” is by “being
himself”- GENIUS! What horseshit!

TAZ
I aim to please.

They high five each other.

SS
KEVIN (O.S.)
Hey guys!

Taz and Smasher get back into character effortlessly.

E
TAZ
Security!

KEVIN
BA

Wait! I’m just a huge fan- that’s all!

I’ve been going to the AA meetings for
months now.

SMASHER
I see.
ND

KEVIN
Great show out there!

TAZ
This isn’t a show my friend- it’s a
way of life.
EK

KEVIN
Oh I know- pussyholic through and
through. I just need some advice-

TAZ
Then book a consul-
E
15

SMASHER
Taz- I’m sure we can give out a small
piece of wisdom to a dedicated winner.
M
TAZ
(Whispering)
What about the bottom line?
OS
SMASHER
How can we help?

KEVIN
Well- I have this girl that I like-
ES
TAZ
First things first- you've done it ALL
wrong. You can't just have one girl!

SMASHER
You need a BUNCH in the 2020s!
SS
SMASHER (CONT’D)
Taz over there has a different girl
for every day of the week.

TAZ
Two on a bank holiday.
E
KEVIN
I know- but I only like this girl.
She comes to my work every day-
BA

there's something about her.

TAZ
You're under her spell.

SMASHER
ND

I've seen this sickness before- it's

incurable.

TAZ
Simp-yilis

Taz runs away from Kevin.

EK

TAZ (CONT'D) (CONT’D)

Get him away from me!

KEVIN
What can I do to get rid of the sickness.
E

SMASHER
The only cure for this devastating
ailment- is the 3 D’s.
16

KEVIN
The 3 D’s?
M
TAZ
Distraction. Distance and the DICK.
OS
SMASHER
THE DICK!

TAZ
When is this date?
ES
KEVIN
Monday.

Taz and Smasher look to each other, grimacing.

TAZ
It’s gonna be tight- but- we’re
willing to help. It’s gonna cost you-
SS
Kevin, unsure, ponders the offer.

CUT TO:
E
INT. KITCHEN, IVAN’S HOUSE - DAY

Ivan’s kitchen has been transformed into a low-budget film

set. He’s dressed as an a-typical 1920’s director. The old
BA

lady acts opposite the Idris Elba cutout.

IVAN
CUT!

Ivan walks up to the old lady, who‘s smiling mindlessly.

ND

IVAN (CONT’D)
(Shouting)
Why can’t you keep to the script?

CONFUSED OLD LADY

Why are you shouting at me Nigel?
EK

Are you shell-shocked?

Ivan sighs and wipes his brow. He turns to Sapphire.

IVAN
This isn’t working.
E
17

SAPPHIRE
Bro- this isn’t supposed to be
Citizen Kane- we just need enough to
M
fool them!

IVAN
Maybe you don’t care about art- but I
OS
do! This is my chance to leave all the
idiots behi-

He stops himself and looks up to Sapphire.

SAPPHIRE
ES
And I’m one of those idiots?

IVAN
This could be my masterpiece! My Magnum Opus!

He points to the Idris Elba cutout, and it slowly falls over.

IVAN (CONT’D)
SS
You know what- maybe you’re not cut
out for this production.

SAPPHIRE
You’re cutting me out?
E
IVAN
I know you produced it- and your
contribution is appreciated-
BA

SAPPHIRE
You know what- I don’t care! You’ve let the
power get to your head- you’ve lost it!

Ivan is speechless. Sapphire, overwhelmed with rage, leaves the

flat, slamming the door. He facepalms, before looking to the floor.
ND

He slowly turns around to see what he has left to work with.

CONFUSED OLD LADY

Don’t you remember what you said? Just
after the war. When we were rebuilding
our cottage.
EK

Ivan composes himself and answers her.

IVAN
We can only fix this together?

CONFUSED OLD LADY

E

No dear- you said ‘Where did all these

coloured people come from’.
18

Ivan bites his lip and slowly closes his eyes.

CUT TO:
M
INT: PUB - DAY
OS
Kevin enters the pub, dressed similarly to Smasher and Taz, who
enter closely behind. Kevin is visibly uncomfortable. Ivan is sat
at the other side of the pub. He notices Kevin and approaches him.

IVAN
Who the hell are you supposed to be?
ES
KEVIN
The old Kevin you know is dead. Say
hello to killer Kev!

He high fives smasher.

IVAN
SS
Okay Mr Killer- here’s the card.

KEVIN
Have you- done the thing?

IVAN
E
As much as I can.

TAZ
Where’s the nyash? This pussyless
BA

Black-hole is sucking my swag.

IVAN
Excuse me?

KEVIN
ND

Meet me back at the kit store so we

can re-group- I’m going to be biz-zay.

Ivan looks at Kevin disgusted, and leaves. Kevin looks around and
spots Tolu sitting alone in the corner, sipping orange juice.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
EK

There she is-

TAZ
Is that it?

SMASHER
Taz- remember the AA philosophy- ‘No
E

behind left behind! All poon is

created equally.’
19

Taz passes him an ear-piece.

TAZ
M
Say EXACTLY everything we say.

SMASHER
Under no circumstances sway from
OS
what we are telling you to say!

KEVIN
Alright- here goes nothing.

Kevin walks with all the swagger he can muster towards to

ES
Tolu. She notices him, and gets ready to give him a hug.

SMASHER (O.S.)
Remember the 3 D’s! Distance!

Kevin dodges the hug like a prize fighter dodging a KO punch.

TOLU
SS
(Confused)
Are you okay?

KEVIN
Yeah I’m good- I just have a cold. But
it’s all bless.
E
Tolu returns to her seat and sits down.

TAZ (O.S.)
BA

Control the situation- take her seat.

Kevin sits in Tolu’s seat.

KEVIN
This is my lucky seat.
ND

TOLU
(Confused)
Oh- okay.

She sits opposite.

EK

TOLU (CONT’D)
I just wanted to say thank you again for
keeping the card safe- you’re a life-saver.

KEVIN
That’s no problem.
E

SMASHER (O.S.)
Next D- Distraction.
20

Kevin panics and points out of the window.

KEVIN
M
Is that Liam Neeson with a cosh?

Taz gets a phone call.

OS
SMASHER
(Whispering)
Who IS that?

TAZ
(Whispering)
ES
It’s my baby’s mum-

SMASHER
(Whispering)
You can’t take the call now!

TAZ
(Whispering)
SS
Well the court says I have to!

We return to Tolu and Kevin. Tolu turns to look for Liam

Neeson, before turning back to Kevin.

TOLU
E
Are you okay? You’re acting weird.

KEVIN
I’m still not entirely sure it’s mine.
BA

TOLU
If what’s yours?

KEVIN
I already gave you half my job seeker
ND

allowance last week!

TOLU
Are you drunk? I think it’s time you
give me the card now.

KEVIN
EK

I got your sister pregnant by

accident!

TOLU
Bro?!

KEVIN
E

I’m really sorry- excuse me a minute.

21

Kevin removes the earpiece and runs upstairs to where Taz and
Smasher are stationed. He approaches them almost paralysed
with anger.
M
KEVIN (CONT’D)
What is wrong with you two? You’re
blowing my chance with her!
OS
TAZ
Who cares? She’s mid anyway.

TOLU (O.S.)
Who’s mid?
ES
Kevin turns to see Tolu standing there.

KEVIN
Hey- sorry- I was just chatting to-

TOLU
You think I’m- ‘mid‘?
SS
She points to Taz and Smasher.

TOLU (CONT’D)
Their video disrespecting black women went
viral- and you’re taking advice from THEM?
E
KEVIN
Not advice exactly- I- I don’t know.
BA

Tolu, visibly uncomfortable, holds her hand out. Kevin passes

her the SD card.

She slides it in her pocket and makes her way to leave. Just
before she exits, she turns to them.
ND

TOLU
Distance- distraction- and I guess the
Dick’s right in front of me.

Tolu leaves. Kevin hangs his head.

Smasher and Taz were hiding behind a table during the entire
EK

exchange.

TAZ
(Scared)
Is she gone?

SMASHER
E

I haven’t been that close to a woman before.

CUT TO:
22

ACT THREE
M
EXT. BUS STOP - DAY

Ivan is visibly defeated as he waits for his bus. Suddenly,

OS
the kit van approaches the stop, driven by a smug Sapphire.

SAPPHIRE
Hey superstar- what are you doing
waiting for the bus?
ES
IVAN
Not now Sapphire- please.

Sapphire drops the sarcasm and realises what’s bugging him.

SAPPHIRE
Oh god- you heard back from Mac-bruv?
SS
IVAN
They went with someone else.

Ivan looks up and smiles gently, crestfallen.

IVAN (CONT’D)
E
Looks like I’m still cleaning lenses
with you- for now.

SAPPHIRE
BA

I’ll always be there to pass you the

cleaning bag.

Ivan walks over to the van. Just as he’s ready to get in,
Kevin runs round the corner.
ND

KEVIN
Wait you lot!

SAPPHIRE
Lover boy! How’d it go?

KEVIN
EK

I don’t wanna talk about it. She took

the card and left.

SAPPHIRE
What did she think of the footage- did
she like what we shot?
E

Kevin looks at her blankly.

23

KEVIN
The footage you what?
M
Kevin looks to Ivan, who avoids eye-contact.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
(Shouting)
OS
You DICKHEADS!

SAPPHIRE
That was the only thing we could do!

Kevin leaps into the van.

ES
KEVIN
Drive!

Sapphire hits the gas and they speed away.

CUT TO:
SS
EXT. EDITING HOUSE - DAY

The van pulls up to the Editing House. Kevin spots Tolu

outside, holding the card. She passes it to THE DIRECTOR. The
director heads inside. Kevin scrambles out of the van.
E
KEVIN
(Shouting)
Tolu! Wait!
BA

TOLU
What are you doing here you freak?

KEVIN
Please- hear me out. I know I’ve messed
ND

this up- I was trying to be the best

version of myself for you- I’m sorry.

SAPPHIRE
Give him one more chance!

Tolu looks on, unimpressed.

EK

TOLU
You didn’t come all that way just to
tell me that- did you?

IVAN
He thinks your job’s in danger.
E

Tolu shoots a fiery look at Kevin.

24

TOLU
What?
M
Kevin sighs.

KEVIN
The card I gave you- it doesn’t have
OS
your footage. It’s just these two
pricks playing dress-up.

IVAN
That's not a nice way to talk about
art.
ES
TOLU
Oh god- oh no.

She sprints upstairs. Kevin, Ivan and Sapphire follow.

INT. EDITING HOUSE - DAYTIME

SS
The director is watching the footage on a large monitor. They
all burst in the room and realise it’s too late. When the
clip comes to an end, the director is in floods of tears.

THE DIRECTOR
E
Beautiful.

TOLU
(Whispering)
BA

Beautiful?

Ivan is smug. He turns to Kevin and Sapphire.

IVAN
(Whispering)
ND

Magnum. Opus.

The director finally notices that they are in the editing

booth. He composes himself.

THE DIRECTOR
Sorry- I usually keep my emotions in
EK

check- but I just got an email from my

estranged son- Smasher. I wasn’t there
much when he was a kid- and he turned
into quite an- unsavory young man.

Tolu looks to Kevin, who is equally perplexed.

E
25

THE DIRECTOR (CONT'D) (CONT’D)

I just got an email from him saying
that seeing the most pathetic man
M
throw his chance away-

Tolu scoffs. Kevin death-stares her.

OS
THE DIRECTOR (CONT’D)
Made him realise- life is short. He
wants to connect again!

Sapphire smiles.
ES
SAPPHIRE
That’s- incredible! We thought you’d
be mad about the footage!

The director points to the monitor.

THE DIRECTOR
Oh this piece of shit? The worst thing
SS
I’ve ever seen in my life. Tolu- I’m
gonna have to let you go. Now- if you’ll
excuse me- I have to call my son.

The director rises from his chair and heads out of the room,
phone in hand. Tolu is deflated.
E
THE DIRECTOR (CONT’D)
Smasher- how’s my little alpha male?
BA

TOLU
Sacked- what the hell am I gonna do?

Kevin thinks on his feet.

KEVIN
ND

Well- we have been looking for a new

receptionist at the kit store-

Tolu spins to face him.

TOLU
Are you serious?
EK

Kevin nods. Tolu embraces Kevin as Ivan and Sapphire

gleefully look on.

SAPPHIRE
Who got the role of Mac-bruv in the end?
E

Ivan shrugs.
26

IVAN
All they said is they went with
someone more charismatic- less- stiff.
M
SAPPHIRE puts an arm around him.

CUT TO:
OS
EXT. TRAPHOUSE - EVENING

A sign reads ‘Mac-bruv - Sold Out’.

ES
CUT TO:

INT. TRAPHOUSE - EVENING

A diverse crowd with a combination of crackheads and an a-

typical theatre-going audience give a standing ovation, with
some even throwing flowers on-stage, crying.
SS
They are applauding the cutout of Idris Elba- the chosen lead
of ‘Mac-bruv’.

FADE TO BLACK.
E BA
ND
EK
E