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MY PURPOSE

What am I in this world? What is the purpose of my existence? These are the questions that
have popped into my mind. This question I always seem to forget, and it always crosses my
mind, but I didn’t mind it at all. I thought it was just nothing before, but now that I think
about it today, I realize that it is a crucial question that needs to be answered. As a student
who majored in philosophy, these are the questions that are essential to understanding who I
am. When I was a child, I always thought of the world as I pictured it in my mind. I see the
world as a place where everything is set already, like it has been determined that is your path
that you are going to walk in. It all changed when I hit adulthood; everything is shit and
fucked up. When I became a college student, my mother wanted me to pick psychology as my
course, as it is needed in our society today and also a good-paying job. I asked my mom this
question: “Why do you want me to pick psychology? ", and she said, “It’s for you to
understand yourself more.” Just like that, I picked psychology as my major in college in my
freshman days. At first, I felt very excited because the “psychology” pronouncing it was very
grand and fancy. When I had my first meeting in psychology, I was just so damn excited that I
couldn't control myself, and during those times, I always read, especially when it came to
Sigmund Freud. While reading his theory, I couldn't understand it. But I just continued
reading it for fun, and I really didn’t understand at all what I read about him, especially his
theory of human behavior.

Finally, on the first day of my college day, the preliminary exam, I spent my whole night
studying the pointers that were given to us by my teacher, and when I received my test
paper, I was very excited and confident that I could answer all of them with no mistake. Just
suddenly, when I took a glimpse of the question in the test paper, I felt something broke
inside of me. I didn’t mind it all. After finishing the exam, I got home and passed out,
probably of fatigue. I felt a part went missing, and it took 2 days for me to recover.

Then, the day after, I received the score of my exam, and when I looked at my score, I was in
shock that I had failed the exam; my heart and mind broke at the same time. After that,
everything spiraled down, and I lost all of my confidence. The thought that came to mind
was, “Did I make the right choice? "That is when I wondered, “Am I an easy fool or just
delusional? ""Was I delusional because I'm confident that I can easily understand it? ”. After
that, I completely lost interest in pursuing psychology. I let go of everything, became lazier
and more careless, and submitted my missing task three days after the due date. And when
the first semester ended, my mother called me and said that someone wanted to talk to me
tomorrow about something I didn’t care for, honestly. Day after that, I went to the main
campus to meet someone that was wanting to talk to me, and that person was the head of
the psychology department. She told me that I didn’t fail my major subject; I thought that
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was it. Then the bad news came. She basically told me that in psychology there is a standard
grade to maintain as it has a license exam. That grade that I need to maintain was 83, and my
final rating is 77. She told me, "Do you want to re-take the course? Or shift to another
course”.

I told her that I would be shifting to another course as I deemed that there was no hope for
me in psychology. The day after, as I filled out the shifting form, the professor asked me,
“What course will you choose? Is it communication, English language studies, or philosophy?
"I chose philosophy as my second course as it piques my curiosity and also interested in it,
there is also something in philosophy that I don’t really know,