Professional Documents
Culture Documents
HUMAN RELATIONS
Human
Environmental Creating a Strong
Sciences
Extension
and Satisfying
Marriage
Sharon J. Leigh, Program Assistant
Janet A. Clark, Program Leader and Associate State Specialist
University of Missouri-Columbia 3
married couples. People who are satis- Ideas for effective marital
fied with their marriage even tend to
communication
live longer than those in unhappy mar-
riages. ✔ When your spouse talks to you, try to understand what he or
This finding leads to a third reason she is feeling.
why it is important for spouses to man- ✔ Give your partner both verbal and nonverbal feedback so he
age their conflict well. A strong and sat- or she will know that you have understood what he or she
isfying marriage establishes a firm meant.
foundation from which spouses can ✔ Be aware of the nonverbal messages you send when
function. When the quality of marriage someone is talking to you, such as facial expressions or body pos-
is positive and supportive, partners can ture. These can be very powerful!
better attend to their personal responsi- ✔ Refrain from voicing judgmental comments and jumping to conclusions
bilities and obligations. A strong mar- before your partner is done speaking.
riage also provides people with a ✔ Show respect for your spouse’s perspective, even if you do not agree with it.
greater opportunity to develop their per- ✔ Take the time to really listen when your spouse needs to talk. Doing this
sonalities and talents than does an will help him or her feel that you value his or her opinions and ideas.
unhappy union. Although marriage ✔ When you need to have an important discussion, remove distractions as
requires a considerable amount of time much as possible so you can talk with each other more easily. For exam-
and effort, it is crucial that partners ple, take a walk outside in order to get away from the telephone or talk in
care for their own needs and develop- your bedroom where the children will not interrupt.
ment as well. They can best do this ✔ Communicate clearly and directly so your partner will have a greater
when the relationship is warm and opportunity to understand you.
encouraging and they know how to ✔ When you are speaking, focus on expressing your own feelings, not trying
handle marital conflict effectively. to guess what your partner is thinking.
Finally, it is essential that spouses
practice good conflict management
Skills for handling conflict
skills for the sake of their children. Con- Partners can learn to communicate
flict and hostility are extremely harmful Because managing conflict is so better by developing more effective
to children’s well-being. Many studies important, it is essential that you prac- ways of speaking and listening. It is
have shown that marital conflict leads to tice certain skills that will enable you to important to take turns in a conversa-
poor outcomes in children, such as handle conflict well. The following sec- tion so each can have the opportunity
decreased self-esteem, greater stress tions highlight some of the skills need- to express his or her thoughts and
and anxiety, low achievement at school ed for dealing with differences and ideas. The person talking should focus
and behavioral problems. Conversely, disagreements effectively. on his own feelings and not attempt to
spouses who support each other and Open communication read his partner’s mind. He should also
have peaceful marriages are more likely Good communication can be difficult be positive and avoid making accusa-
to have well-adjusted, competent chil- at times — especially during conflict. tions or criticizing his spouse. The per-
dren. However, an unhappy marriage People often hear a different message son listening needs to be aware of her
should not be preserved solely for the than what the speaker intended. There body language. Eye rolling, negative
children’s sake. Children in two-parent are several possible reasons for this. facial expressions and crossing one’s
families marked by a lot of conflict often First, spouses are often preoccupied arms may signal disapproval to the per-
fare worse than those in families that with their own concerns or are prepar- son who is speaking. Even if the listen-
have undergone a peaceful divorce. ing a rebuttal and do not really listen to er does not agree with what her partner
Whatever the situation, it is important what their partners are saying. Second, is saying, she needs to make an
that spouses learn to manage their dis- spouses may perceive their partners’ attempt to understand his viewpoint
agreements effectively and control the messages negatively if they are tired or and be respectful. Showing genuine
amount of conflict in their relationship. in a bad mood. Finally, different styles interest in someone’s feelings and
This will help foster the well-being of of communicating can also result in refraining from giving unsolicited advice
themselves and their children. misunderstandings. go a long way in creating an atmos-
University of Missouri-Columbia 5
Not every issue that arises will other and instead shift their atten- How to be
require such an extensive problem tion to improving their own behavior,
best friends
solving process, but these steps can they will likely be more content, even
help couples solve their problems in a if their partner continues to do the ✔ Talk.
calm, controlled manner. things that they do not like. ✔ Hold hands.
When spouses choose to make ✔ Go for walks.
Changing oneself first changes in themselves first, regardless ✔ Dance.
It is common for husbands and wives of what their partner does, they are ✔ Play games.
to overlook their own weaknesses and often surprised to find that the overall ✔ Work on a mutual
focus instead on the faults of their quality of their relationship improves project together.
spouse. In some marriages, one person dramatically. In an ideal situation, of ✔ Plan little surprises for each
feels that his or her partner is the cause course, both spouses continually strive other.
of their marital problems and the only to improve themselves and overcome ✔ Laugh together.
one who really needs to change in order their weaknesses. However, one ✔ Compliment each other often.
for the relationship to improve. This may spouse is often more committed to self- ✔ Create memories together.
occasionally be true. However, in the improvement than the other, at least for ✔ Leave unexpected notes of
vast majority of marriages, both partners a while. Nevertheless, even if the other praise.
make a contribution to the conflict and person does not feel a need to change ✔ Develop signals that say “I love
problems that arise. himself or herself, the marriage will like- you.”
It is crucial that spouses realize that ly improve through the efforts of the ✔ Go on a date.
the only person’s behavior they can con- one trying to change. ✔ Say “thank you” for little kind-
trol is their own. In marriage, it is typical nesses.
for partners to become annoyed or irri- Strengthening the ✔ Talk about your dreams.
tated with what they perceive to be their marital relationship ✔ Listen to music.
spouses’ personal shortcomings, unusu- Although it is important for spouses ✔ Say “I love you.”
al habits and weaknesses. For example, to learn how to resolve differences, ✔ Remember birthdays and
a wife may feel upset because her hus- having a good marriage requires more anniversaries.
band arrives home from work late on a than just being able to manage conflict ✔ Have a candlelight dinner.
regular basis. Or, the husband may effectively. What else is needed to cre- ✔ Go for an evening or afternoon
resent how his wife cuts him off in the ate a strong and satisfying marriage? drive.
middle of conversations. Frustration over Recent research has shown that the (Adapted from Kansas State
shortcomings such as these often builds most satisfied spouses have marriages University Extension)
over time, motivating people to insist based on good friendship. Nurturing the
that their partners change. However, positive aspects of the marital relation-
people usually end up discovering that ship on a regular basis is also impor- dation of friendship, it may become
their demands are not granted and their tant. This final section will highlight more difficult for partners to stay con-
efforts to change their partners have ways in which husbands and wives can nected over time. It is also easy for
failed. strengthen their marriages, including spouses to become less polite and
Instead of trying to compel each being good friends, performing daily respectful to each other as time passes
other to change, it is more effective for acts of kindness, sharing enjoyable because they feel more comfortable
partners to honestly assess themselves times and creating family traditions. with each other. However, spouses who
and think about what they can do to remain good friends throughout life
make the relationship better. Consider- Remain good friends usually find much more enjoyment and
ing the contributions they make to dis- Many people say that having a satisfaction in their relationship.
agreements and trying to overcome friendship with their spouse is an There are many things spouses can
their own weaknesses will accomplish important goal of their marriage. Life do to keep their friendship alive.
far more than dwelling on their usually becomes more complicated as ✔ Set aside a specific time each day to
spouse’s faults. When husbands and marriage progresses. If a marital rela- talk and reconnect. In some mar-
wives stop trying to change each tionship is not built upon a solid foun- riages, spouses stop confiding in
University of Missouri-Columbia 7
✔ Going on a weekly date is another riages on friendship, thoughtfulness, The Seven Principles for Making Mar-
typical marriage ritual. fun and traditions, they usually find joy riage Work. New York: Crown Publish-
However, traditions and rituals can and happiness in their relationship. ers.
be less formal than these examples. In Creating a strong and satisfying mar- Krames Communications. (1987).
fact, many marriages include traditions riage is possible, and it is definitely Couple Troubles: Resolving Conflicts
and rituals of which the spouses may worth the effort! Through Better Communication [Pam-
be unaware. phlet]. San Bruno, CA.
✔ Kissing each other goodbye each References Lingren, H. G. (1997). Listening —
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less obvious rituals. (Eds.), Satisfaction in Close Relation- Long, E. C. J., Angera, J. J., Carter,
✔ Many spouses also have rituals ships (pp. 249-274). New York: Guilford S. J., Nakamoto, M., and Kalso, M.
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Valentine’s Day and wedding Doherty, W. J. (1997). The Intentional Love: A Longitudinal Assessment of An
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in marriage are simple or elaborate, Relationships (pp. 139-152). Newbury aging Time, Work, and Family: Commu-
they are important and give the relation- Park, CA: Sage. nication. Kansas State University
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Relationship Central to Positive Parent- Markman, H., Stanley, S., and Blum-
Conclusion ing. Ohio State University Extension berg, S. L. (1996). Fighting for Your Mar-
Marriage is a challenging endeavor Guide HYG-5150-96. riage. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
that requires hard work, determination Gottman, J. (1994). Why Marriages Meeks, B. S., Hendrick, S. S., and
and discipline. However, as this guide Succeed or Fail. New York: Simon and Hendrick, C. (1998). “Communication,
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