Module 8: Personal Relationships

Relationships are not static; they are continually evolving and to fully enjoy and benefit from them we need skills,
information, inspiration, practice, and social support. In our model there are three kinds of personal relationships:

1. Family

The concept of "family" is an essential component in any discussion of relationships, but this varies greatly from person
to person. The Bureau of the Census defines family as "two or more persons who are related by birth, marriage, or
adoption and who live together as one household". But many people have family but they don't live with or to whom
they are not bonded by love and the roles of family vary across cultures as well as throughout your own lifetime. Some
typical characteristics of a family are support, mutual trust, regular interactions, shared beliefs and values, security, and a
sense of community. Although the concept of "family" is one of the oldest in human nature, its definition has evolved
considerably in the past three decades. Non-traditional family structures and roles can provide as much comfort and
support as traditional forms.

2. Friends

A friendship can be thought as a close tie between two people that is often built upon mutual experiences, shared
interests, proximity, and emotional bonding. Friends are able to turn to each other in times of need. Nicholas Christakis
and James Fowler, social-network researchers and authors of the book Connected, find that the average person has
about six close ties—though some have more, and many have only one or none. Note that online friends don’t count
toward close ties—research indicates that a large online network isn’t nearly as powerful as having a few close, real-life
friends

3. Partnerships

Romantic partnerships, including marriage, are close relationships formed between two people that were built upon
affection, trust, intimacy, and romantic love. We usually experience this kind of relationship with only one person at a
time.

Importance of Relationships

1. Relationships maintain happiness and health. A positive correlation between happiness and relationships exists.
Sadness, which can be due to problems such as despair, marital argument, family hostility, and job discontent, at times
result from a lack of attention on relations or badly handled relationship troubles. Nevertheless; family, friends, and
associates can play as social support and assist in getting through the stresses and confronts of life.

2. Relationships avoid isolation.

Generally, we all need person-to-person contacts. We endure even when we disconnect from others. In fact, even our
dreams mirror our longing to ending loneliness and feelings of seclusion or drifting apart. When our social environment
fails to replicate our requests and desires, we attempt to fabricate situations that reveal them, even if unintentional.
Human beings therefore have the need to feel right and fit in.

3. Relationships meet interpersonal requirements.

We have a need to include others and be included; to control others and be controlled; and be loved and to love others.
Hence; inclusion is about our view, whether we are “in” or “out”. Inclusions relate to the level to which we feel the need
to ascertain and sustain a feeling of shared interest with others, how much we take interest in others, and the other way
around. Control is about being “on top” or “at the bottom”. Control is the need to create and keep up relationships that
allow one to experience acceptable levels of influence and control. It relates on the need to establish and maintain
relationships that facilitate satisfactory levels of influence and power. To varying degrees, we need to feel capable of
having someone else in charge. Affection determines how “close” or “how far” we are from the relationship. It is the
desire to offer and accept love and experience relationships that areemotionally secured. Affection relates to our need to
give and receive love and to experience intimate relationships.

4. Relationships serve as behavioral anchor.

Aside from satisfying our need for inclusion, control, and affection, relationships serve as directions for proper behavioral
and emotional responses. They help convey sorrow, joy, and a multitude of other feelings in culturally tolerable ways.
5. Relationships serve as communication channels.

Relationships are a type of communication channel; they are venues of communication concerning whatever things can
take place. They provided the prospect to speak about the significant and unimportant, the momentous and the
apparently immaterial.

6. Good relationships maintain self-worth.

When healthy and purposeful, relationships improve sense of self. Those with whom people share relationships with, by
supporting, attending to them, and providing them a sense of community, they help defend self-worth and views of
oneself.

How to Nurture Relationships

1. Connect with your family.

2. Practice gratitude.

3. Learn to forgive.

4. Be compassionate.

5. Accept others.

6. Create rituals together.

7. Spend the right amount of time together .

Keeping Healthy Relationships Good relationships are fun and make you feel good about yourself. The relationships that
you make in your youthful years will be a special part of your life and will teach you some of the most important lessons
about who you are. Truly good relationships take time and energy to develop. All relationships should be based on
respect and honesty, and this is especially important when you decide to date someone.In a healthy relationship, both
partners:

✓ are treated with kindness and respect.

✓ are honest with each other.

✓ like to spend time together.

✓ take an interest in things that are important to each other.

✓ respect one another’s emotional, physical and sexual limits.

✓ can speak honestly about their feelings.

Romantic Relationships

The love we feel for the person we have a romantic relationship with that is different from our love for friends or family.
When a person enters into a marriage, least in part, differentiates a romantic relationship with others.

Dimensions of Love

1. Passionate love is what we feel when we first fall in love; it shows our attraction and focus on a single person, while
some succeed to withstand possible love or over a lifespan; it often declines in intensity over time.

2. Companionate love intensifies over time. As a couple’s feeling of trust and caring for one another nurtures, they
involve themselves in one another’s life and reciprocally react to each other’s needs.

Kinds of Love

1. Pragma is a style of love that emphasizes the practical aspects of love. It is an arranged marriage.

2. Mania is a style of love characterized by volatility, insecurity, and possessiveness. It is more likely an obsessive love.

3. Agape is an altruistic, selfless love. It has spiritual value, frequently described as pure.
4. Eros is a sexual love that carries couples together.

5. Ludis refers to a style of loving that emphasizes the game of seduction and fun where partners do not see their
relationship as permanent.

6. Storge in comparison is the love we have for good friends and family members. It does not contain sex at all, although
at one time or another, we may find ourselves sexual attraction.

ATTRACTION, LOVE, AND COMMITMENT

Researchers have found out that relationships are essential to one’s happiness (Berscheid 1985; Berscheid and Reis 1998,
Larsen, Ommundsen, and van Der Veer). To achieve and maintain happiness on relationship, it must consists these
following components. These are attraction, love and commitment with attachment and intimacy.

I. Attraction is the first stage in a continuum stages that lead intimacy and commitment according from the British
Company (BBC) website under Science: Human Body and Mind. Attraction also involves our unconscious assessment of
another person’s genes through their physical appearance. And it is believed that these genes are usually determinants
of good health that will also produce healthy children. The Rozenberg Quarterly mentions several theories and research
results related to attraction and liking. These are:

1. Transference Effect is a phenomenon characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another.

2. Propinquity Effect is the tendency for people to form friendships or romantic relationships with those whom they
encounter often, forming a bond between subject and friend.

3. Similarity is the state of being similar; likeness; resemblance. It is an aspect, trait or feature like or resembling another
or another’s characteristic like similarity of diction.

4. Reciprocity, in social psychology, reciprocity is a social rule that says people should repay, in kind, what another person
has provied for them.

5. Physical Attractiveness is the degree which a person’s physical features are considered aesthetically pleasing or
beautiful. It often implies sexual attractiveness or desirably or can also be distinct from either.

II. Love is a feeling of deep affection, passion, or strong liking for a person or thing (http://www.youdictionary.com/love).
There are three different components of love as theorized by Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. These three
are intimacy, commitment, and love. Love relationships vary depending on the presence or absence of each of these
components

Three Components of Love

1. Intimacy

Researchers, Reis, Clark, and Holmes (2004), and Reis and Shaver (1998) defined intimacy as “that lovely moment when
someone understand and validate us.” It involves feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness. Intimacy
involves the ability the share feelings, personal thoughts and psychological closeness with the other.

2. Passion

It is defined in genetic terms that is the intense state of being that drives and consumes a person to pursue an interest, a
vision, or a person. It involves feelings and desires that lead to physical attraction, romance, and sexual consummation.
Passion refers to the intense, physical attraction partners feel toward one another.

3. Decision/Commitment

It is an act of deciding to consistently fulfil and live by agreements made with another person, entity, of cause, and where
the values of integrity and respect serve as a guide to one’s behavior and thinking. Commitment in a love relationship is
expressed continuously in caring and loving actions for the beloved. It involves feelings that lead a person to remain with
someone and move toward shared goals. Commitment is the conscious decision to stay together.

1. Consummate love – It is the center of all types of love. It possesses intimacy, passion and commitment.
2. Romantic love - It is the type of love that shows intimacy and passion.
3. Companionate love - It is the type of love that shows intimacy and commitment.
4. Fatuous love - It is the type of love that shows passion and commitment
5. Infatuation - It is the type of love that has passion alone.
6. Liking - It is the type of love that has intimacy alone.
7. Empty love - It is the type of love that has commitment alone.
8. Non-love - It is the absence of the three components of love.

III. Commitment is the continuing process of showing love and care; fulfilling the promises or agreements made with
each other; and through bad times and good times, the commitment stays firm and in place. Psychologists have
conducted research on commitment and have identified three variables related to it

(Rozenberg Quarterly):

1. Accumulation of all rewards of the relationship It is considered as the most important determinant of satisfaction in a
relationship, rewards of the relationship include support from the partner; sexual satisfaction; emotional, financial,
physical security; adventure and novelty.

2. Temptation of alternative partners

It is the presence of possible alternatives for another partner can rock the relationship and destabilize the commitment
of a couple.

3. Investments made by the couple in the relationship It is important in maintaining commitment because these
investments may include time spent together, common beliefs and experiences, mutual experiences with mutual friends,
and bearing children. It was also discovered that religious beliefs reinforce commitment.

As we define relationships as the interactive behavior between two or more persons, groups, or nations who are bound
by common interests, let us now define some important responsibilities that are necessary in a relationship to make it
flourish and stay beneficial for the parties involved.

1. Be responsible for what you think and say to the other person. Emotions should be considered when dealing with
other people. Being sensitive to these emotions will make a person responsible for what is said, and accept the
consequences of how the other party will receive the message.

2. Be responsible for what you promise to do or not to do. Integrity is a key factor in relationships. Coupled with trust,
integrity in one’s word means that you are reliable and trustworthy. When credibility is questioned, a relationship will
not last long.

3. Ensure the relationship is mutually beneficial. Balanced relationships are always mutually beneficial to both parties. It
is always good to have a give and take attitude for this assures fairness and equality. When fairness is perceived, trust
follows.

4. Respect the other party or parties involved. Mutual respect is also essential in a relationship. Giving respect to each
other is a common responsibility of any party involved in a relationship.

5. Be ready to provide support when needed. Relationships also thrive on the support given by one party to another.
Providing support, either financially, emotionally, spiritually, or physically, strengthens the bond in a relationship as this is
an expression of one’s commitment to the other party. It is all about the “we’re in this together” thing in a relationship.