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Fri, Jul 14, 2023 1:54AM • 33:02

SUMMARY KEYWORDS
understand, relationship, feel, happened, celebrated, marriage, trust, years, heard, fell, problem,
emotional bank account, work, love, physiology, trauma, divorce, glass, laws, person

00:01
Today is July 13 2023. And the John and I are working on the Strategy Session knowing that these
people are coming in cold, we cannot assume they even watched the webinar or watched the
indoctrination video, or if they did remember anything from it. So they're basically just cold. And so in
the strategy session, what I'm now gathering is that

00:28
Andrew, I forgot his last name, but Andrew from Nybakke marketing says that you can grab their
attention in one email, one follow up email, and they could be cold, they never watched the webinar, or
they they just saw a Facebook ad. That's it. And you can in that email, having language that's kind of
similar to what was in your Facebook ad, when you do that. And you tell the story, you spend like 500
words out of the 750 words, telling the story that they relate to that echoes their pain. That is, that is
exactly what they are feeling. They're like, Oh, my gosh, you understand me, he says, when you do
that, it creates an immediate bond between them. And you it bonds them to you. And they will want to
book a strategy session because of that bond. And so I am now extrapolating from that, that, so I'm
extrapolating that

01:25
that what will wait make them respond to Me in the strategy session is if I can

01:34
talk about their problems in the ways that, you know, first of all, I can literally easily do that, because I'm
asking them questions, and they're telling me exactly what they've been through. So by me mirroring
that back to them, they're feeling heard and seen already. But this is what comes to me is that if I can
take the problems that they've been experiencing, including the things that they have tried, and if I can
summarize or find a succinct, fresh way of sort of stating what they're stating the problem that they've
been experienced, in a way that they haven't seen it clearly before, if I can name it in a way, they're
like, oh, yeah, like if I can give them a small epiphany or an AHA of going, Yeah, you're right. That's
exactly, you know, what I've been dealing with, then they're going to feel extra hurt, that's going to take,
you know, they're sharing their story, I echo it back. So they feel heard. But when then when I say so
basically, this is what's been happening for you. And when I put it in that language that they haven't
said it in, and they recognize that that is exactly what's happened. They're like, yes, that is what's
happened. And then I can say, so would it you know, what would it you know, do you think it would help

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you since, you know, in this case, or when you tried to find those methods that didn't work, they didn't
work, because in this is what John and I are going to determine, like, we're going to take some of the
examples that they that they have given us, and we're going to take those examples. And we're going
to

03:11
Okay, so John and I are going to determine what we, you know, we're going to find a way to have a
simple language that summarizes why, you know, we're going to be able to poke holes in why those
methods didn't work. So John, and I can prepare some of this ahead of time, so that I Tammy have,

03:32
I have things kind of ready, you know, I have language and concepts ready to go. So I can grab
whatever applies to their situation. So for instance, if they are, so for instance, many of the books that
they'll read, it's generic advice, you know, it's it's concepts or ideas that obviously have worked for
some people. But the problem is because it's generic, it does not take into account the unique
individuals that are involved in this in this marriage, and it does not, it does not take into account the

04:07
the dynamics of the relationship itself. And therefore, that's why it didn't work, because it's generic, and
it doesn't it anything that's generic is not tailor made for your needs. What you need is a customized
plan that understands exactly how you are as a person, and exactly how your spouse is and as a
person, and therefore, as a result of knowing that then a customized plan that will work because one
woman can be very different from another woman. And just because your best friend says hey, I did
this and that works great for me and my wife does not mean if you do the same thing. It's going to work
great for you and your wife because your wife is different. She may have a totally different design a
totally different makeup and nature than that other woman does. And what's meaningful to the other
one may not

05:00
be meaningful at all to your wife. So you have to know you need a customized plan. So that's a very
thing, you know, that's a very good thing right there that I can talk about. And that's an example of that,
whatever they tell me about their problems, and whatever they tell me that I need to find language to
explain their problems and the glass of clean water that gets dirty.

05:22
And they have to understand that it when I asked them, so if I hand you a glass that has a bunch of dirt
in the bottom, and I say, Okay, make this clean water, you know, make this clean again, how are you
going to do that? And they're like, Well, I probably I just dump it out, rinse it out and fill it with clean
water. Okay, well, guess what that means? If this is an analogy for your relationship, you know, what
you just did? You divorced your woman, and you found somebody else. That's, that's what that was.
But you're trying to save this marriage? So find another way? How else can you clean out the dirt in this
in this glass of water? And then they may be stumped, you know, and, um, say, You got any ideas, you
know,

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06:02
maybe I could, you know, start to dig out some from the bottom, you know, like, what if you pour it in
fresh, clean water at a nice velocity, so that it stirred up this stuff at the bottom, and the more you
poured the water, the more the stuff at the bottom stirs up, and it starts to spill over the top. And as you
keep filling in that freshwater, more and more of the dirt flows out, and the water starts to get clearer
and clearer. And till within a few minutes, you have a pure clean glass of water again,

06:34
that's what I do, I give you a customized plan that specifically is designed for you and your wife and
how your relationship works. You know, how you are as individuals and how you are as a relationship, I
give you a plan that's designed for that.

06:52
I don't give you ordinary you know, human advice, or I don't give the typical generic advice this in the
world, I don't give methods and strategies I give you universal principles. Universal Principles are our
laws are things that are it's like two plus two is four, it doesn't matter where you are, it always works, it's
always going to be four. Gravity always works anywhere you go on the planet, gravity is working.

07:22
I give you universal laws of love, that always work because they tap into the heart of what each of us
ultimately wants. Everybody wants to be seen. They want to be heard. They want to be understood and
validated. And they want to be celebrated. Okay, so I'm gonna say there's four basic things, there's the
seen, heard, understood, and being understood includes someone having compassion and empathy. If
you have a real understanding for what someone's going through, it's going to naturally if you just have
an intellectual understanding, you might go Yeah, I understand what you're saying. But I still think I still
think you're full of, you know, full of BS, or whatever I understand. But that's an intellectual honesty,
when you have an understanding on the heart level, not on the mind level that connects in the heart,
then what happens is your natural empathy and compassion for that other person and what they're
going through kicks online, because you've connected it to your heart. And then the fourth thing would
be, they need to be validated and celebrated those they need to feel like I, I am, I am acknowledged as
a worthy individual who's validated for my very existence, and celebrated for who I am my unique
qualities and traits and abilities, I am celebrated, you know. So I'm going to add in a fifth thing and say
the fifth thing is about being supportive. So it's, they need to be seen, they need to feel heard, you
know, listen, to really listen to, they need to feel that they're understood on the heart level, so that you
have compassion, empathy for their situation, they need to feel that you validate and celebrate them as
a person, so that you deeply appreciate and acknowledge and celebrate all that they are that you just
love them for who they are knowing that, of course, they're not perfect, and they have flaws and faults
just like you do, but you celebrate them as a person, they need to feel that. And then the last thing is
they need to feel supported. When you're in a partnership like a marriage, you need to have each
other's back, if one of you is having a real challenge. You want to know that your partner is there for
you and says, I've got to, you know, when I've had challenges, you've been there for me, we've got
each other, you know, because that is the strength and the stability of that relationship. And those five
things. So this is really powerful, those five to thrive, absolute needs in a relationship.

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09:51
Those are very powerful things that are absolute needs. And if those needs are not being met, your
relationship is going down the tubes and if you're staying together

10:00
or then the water is getting dirtier and dirty until the relationship becomes so intolerable that you end up
getting divorced.

10:07
So by so by sharing these five to thrive

10:14
at the moment, I'm calling them five to thrive absolute needs, I don't know if I need the word absolute,
but, you know, maybe I can just call them five to thrive marriage needs, you know, if you want a thriving
marriage, not just one that's, you know, functioning, you know, if you want a thriving marriage, where
you're not just roommates, but you're actually,

10:34
you know, just in love with each other. And after 25 years, my husband and I can say that, that we love
each other more deeply. And we love, you know, our, our relationship is, like, all the pains of the past is
just gone now. And I and I can bring out to them that, if any one of these five things is missing, then
they're starting to put dirt back in the water, the seen the heard, the understood, the, the celebrated,
and, and the support, those need to be in place, if any one of those five is missing, you've got you're
asking for problems, you know, the relationship is starting to, and I'll talk about there's an emotional
bank account that is there. And when you first get together, that emotional bank account has millions
and millions of dollars worth of love and abundance, and you guys are on cloud nine, you're walking
around with that stupid grin on your face, because you just like you're so happy with each other, you're
in that love bomb state. And, and your emotional bank account between the two of you is very, very
powerful, very wealthy. But as you get married, and the honeymoon period ends and and you start to
have more and more challenges, the emotional bank account has all kinds of withdrawals happening.
And unless you're keeping that bank account supplied, then you're not going to be able to, you know,
it's just gonna it's gonna go downhill. And so

12:01
Okay, so that's good. So I can talk about the emotional bank, these are concepts, I can give them very,
very simply, and help them understand that on the call

12:11
both a glass of water, and I can ask them, What would you do? And so they have to answer me. So
they're involved in this and they're like, I don't know, where I would empty down, you know, everybody's
gonna just empty down get a clean glass, I'm like, Okay, congratulations, you just got divorced, and you
found another woman, that's what that represents, you know, you can't empty out the glass, that glass
is your relationship, you empty out, you're done. If that's not what you want, then that is not the way you
can do it, how else can you get that dirt out?

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12:37
So, um, so that the glass of water with the dirt and also the emotional bank account. And I also, you
know, this is a concept that Stephen Covey, you know, came out with years ago, I mean, back in the
late it was like, 1989, when he put that into his seventh habit. So that was 34 years ago, that concept
has been, you know, out there because of his book. But I go beyond that I go beyond just the emotional
bank account, I also teach you about the Trust Bank Account. Trust is something that happens, you
know, that initially, as you fall in love, the trust is high. So there's two bank accounts you need to be
aware of, there's the emotional one, and then there's the Trust Bank account, the emotional account,
can will last longer than the trust account, the trust account can go down very, very quickly, you can still
be emotionally involved in love someone, but your trust in in them, in certain ways can be weakened.
And so I teach you about, you know, the do I teach you about the six levels of trust are the six aspects
of trust, the six elements of trust, whatever, I'll come up with a phrase,

13:45
maybe six components, either six components, six aspects of trust, or six, six types of trust, I'll give that
some thought I'll ask spirit, maybe there's still a different word that Spirit will give me. Okay, so I can tell
them in the strategy call. So this would mean I would start poking holes and saying, it sounds like
there's a lack of trust there between you. Okay, and when you first were together, you had high trust
into So somewhere along the line, you've lost trust with each other. Okay, it sounds like there's some
emotional pain or emotional baggage between you. And when you first had the relationship, you guys
had a really strong emotional bond. But it sounds like over the years things have changed and
something has happened to those emotions. They're not you know, there's those emotions have been
that boat has been rocked and the emotional, there's just emotional baggage. So when I talk about
those things, the trust and the emotion they're going to recognize that and they're going to go they're
gonna go Yeah, that's exactly what it is. There's your right, it's about it's trust. We've got trust issues
and and we've got emotional issues. We don't feel close to each other anymore. And then the glass of
water, the dirty glass of water, they're going to realize you're right. The relationship used to be this
beautiful thing and now it's it's basically this, it's it's

14:58
and now the relationship

15:00
Ship is it's like, it's toxic, and it's turbulent. And it's traumatic. You know, so there's three T words that I
use there, you know, you're dealing with trauma and the relationship you're dealing with, you know,
and, and that actually leads me to the nervous system. What has happened, you know, one of the
things that's happened in recent research that's come out in recent years, is that for a long time, you
know, people who went to therapy, and as you probably heard that maybe there's something called
Talk therapy, almost everybody who's done talk therapy for years, they all come away and they go talk
therapy does not work, it might make you feel a little bit better to be able to not have it bottled up inside
you can talk about, but it just makes you feel better. But it's only it only lasts momentarily, because
talking about it doesn't resolve the problem. So then, you know, there's therapy that takes things down
on to a deeper issue and says, let's get into it, let's understand what's going on, on a deeper level with

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your spouse, what's going on deep level with you. And you know, so there's a, there's a, so then
there's, you know, digging into things on a deeper level to better understand it, but no amount of
understanding the problem, understanding the problem of where it comes from, or why it's there. What
contributed to the problem, none of that is going to solve the problem. And what recent research has
discovered is that what's really going on with people is it's it's trauma. And trauma is now being defined
differently. Because we used to think like, for instance, PTSD, we used to think it was only like for
people who had been in horrific conditions like in a war zone and seen awful things and heard awful
things and experienced awful things in their bodies. And that's why they have that. But now they've
discovered that trauma doesn't have to be a convener of the very ordinary, it can be emotional trauma,
it can be, you know, just, you know, someone beat you up, or like, I have a friend who feels deep
shame about something he did as a young, you know, he was like maybe 11. And he pulled down the
pants of, you know, a classmate just to the main to him. And when he pulled his pants down, the child,
who was maybe a little bit younger than him, was wearing diapers. And he felt so bad, because, you
know, like exposing somebody's underpants. It's also really humiliating, embarrassed, but people would
forget about it, because everybody wears underpants, but to discover that somebody wore diapers, that
was humiliating to this other child. And everybody knew that for the rest of his adolescent years, you
know, and so my friend felt so awful to this day, he really regrets that. And that's the kind of thing like
that kind of thing. That's not a warzone. But that's the kind of trauma that we have. And sometimes
trauma triggers other traumas that were experienced you, you could have even just been like, my, my
husband was dropped on his head, you know, I don't know if he was dropped or fell, I think he fell, he
fell from a height and banged his head. Like it literally gave him a big gash on the corner of a table or a
truck tool chest, okay, so actually, my husband was like, maybe around age four, or five, and he was on
the sailboat with his parents and fell off the upper deck down into the lower part where there was this
metal toolbox. And he fell onto it, and it hit the top of his head. So very young, you know, young child
getting injured that way. And, you know, that kind of thing can create trauma, and everything about
whatever's going on in the moment when the child receives that wound to the head gets captured in the
physiology of the body. And so sometimes, you know, like, for instance, I was listening to Mel Robbins,
and she talked about how there was a car accident when she was, you know, not old enough to drive
yet she was a kid and her mom was driving and they hit black ice and the car rolled over and rolled
over. And to this day, every time she hears the crunch of you know, like when there's what I call
powdery snow. It's not super wet snow, it's kind of dry snow and it has that crunchy sound when you
walk on it. It was that kind of snow that the car was rolling over on and you could hear the crunch sound
each time the car rolled, it was crunching on the snow. And to this day, even walking out from her
house, through the snow to the mailbox as she crunches. You know, she hears her feet crunching the
snow underneath. She is right back there in that accident scene, you know, and she was conscious
during the accent so she experienced the whole thing. So and then she said her mom is not the sound
of the snow but hearing the word black ice because that's what they were talking about on the radio
when the accident happened. So to this day, she says her mother every time she hears the word black
ice, she's like immediately back in that accident experience. And to this day, my husband fell asleep
while driving. We were both exhausted. I was trying to stay awake to keep him awake. And he feels
awful. But you know he crashed the car about three minutes from our house. We were that close to the
house on a slow driving road. It was

20:00

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only like maybe 35 miles an hour or something like that. So we weren't going super super fast at all and
probably where we were a kind of curve you probably more like 25 miles an hour there because you
had just turned on to that smaller roads. So we weren't going that fast. But it did end up tolling the car, I
fell asleep at the wheel, we ran into a parked car, you know, which stopped our car, you know, the
airbags released and punched us in the chest. And, you know, we we neither one of us was, I think
there was a moment of blackout for a split second, but neither one of us I don't, it's probably not that we
were unconscious at all, we were both asleep. That's all we were asleep when the car hit and the you
know, being punched in the chest where the airbag is what woke us up. And we were like, disoriented
for a moment. And then we realized what had happened immediately we're like, Oh, crap. And of
course, the pain in our chest from being hit, you know, it was very, very sore and tender. for like a week
and a half afterwards, we could really at least a week, and definitely the first three or four days it was
like really painful to move in any way with our upper body, or even even breathing and was kind of, but
like nothing was broken. We were totally fine. It just we were bruised, you know, massively bruise. But
anyway, to this day, when John and I are driving in the car, when he is driving, I can't fall asleep.
Because every time I fall asleep, I wake up with within seconds, or within a minute or so I mean, I just
can't sleep because every time I fall asleep, my my physiology is on high alert, it feels the vibrations of
the road, it hears the sounds of you know what it sounds like when you're driving. And to this day, every
time I fall asleep in the car, those vibrations in the road. So I'm fine driving, I trust him when he's driving
when I'm sorry, I'm fine when I'm awake when he's driving. But if I fall asleep, I have a really hard time
sleeping because my physiology is just wants to say we got to wake up we're gonna crash we gotta
wake up is something happening is he you know, did he fall asleep at the wheel, I mean, literally, that
fear is still in me to this day.

21:56
And I get triggered that way all the time, every time we drive. And so think about your relationship and
go every time you know, anything negative has happened in your relationship, it takes a trauma on your
physiology, you feel that because this beautiful, you know, glass of water, that was such a beautiful
thing that was your relationship or the beautiful emotional bank account and Trust Bank account that
you had between you is now taking hits like bombs are hitting it, you know, artillery fire is coming after
your relationship and you know, poking holes in it and tearing it to shreds. And that's what's been
happening over the years. And it hits you in a physiological way. And this is what my husband and I
were suffering from years of living together hurting each other not understanding the unique
individuality, not understanding the the unique, the unique makeup of that person. And what really
made them tick, what turned them on what turned them off, we just did not understand each other
sufficiently. And so we were hurting each other without even meaning to over the years. And so all of
that baggage had built up it had torn down our bank accounts, you know, the emotional bank account
and the Trust Bank Account were just not only depleted, they were deeply in debt. And that's where we
were when we realize we have no choice we have to divorce, this is not working. And that's why we
decided to divorce because that's where we were in our relationship. And what what now I understand
is all of that all of that trauma that gets locked in your nervous system can actually be released.

23:30
When

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23:32
the laws the universal laws of love are understood, and you must get in alignment with them. When you
guys fell in love, you are naturally in alignment with them without even trying and you didn't understand
how because people don't understand. But I was given the the the stages of love and not only the
stages, but how to how to tap back into those stages, so that you can literally recreate that natural,
beautiful flow of love that used to exist between you. And this is what happened. And one of the secrets
of that

24:10
is that those five to what I call five to thrive, meaning you want a thriving, there's the five to thrive,
marriage needs, all five of them must be being met. Both of you must be really confident that those five
things are strong and intact in your relationship. And that's what makes it amazing. And I was able with
all of this information that was given to me in one sudden moment of epiphany, I was able to
immediately align myself with that because suddenly I understood it's like, it's like

24:44
if you've watched the movie, The Matrix which almost everybody has, and Neo is he's been he's just
been removed from you know, his pod of goo. And now he's in the reality world and he is being trained
but he has those hookups in the back of his

25:00
head. And so they hook him up. And they teach him, you know, there's a training program that he goes
through. And you know, he learns Kung Fu, and he learns all these other things. And he comes to
consciousness. He's like, I know, Kung Fu, you know, and he's really, really excited. That's what
happened to me, I felt like I got, you know, I got this instantaneous download, and what would take
somebody else years and years to suddenly understood, I suddenly understood, it's like, I know Kung
Fu, I now know that universal laws of love, I totally understand them. And I understand what's needed
in order to, you know, to turn around my relationship. And so it happened, you know,

25:34
our bond was restored virtually instantly, you know, and I'm going to show you how to do that I, you
know, because it can absolutely work that quickly, it all depends on how quickly you

25:47
make use of and align yourself with these laws, I'll teach you, but by the end of the course, you'll have a
good understanding of them, because I really walk you through them. And so those five to thrive
marriage needs. Without those five things being met,

26:03
your marriage, your eating, you know, your emotional bank account, and your trust bank account, and
that glass of water are just going down the tubes. And that's where you find yourself now where you're
on the brink of divorce. And, you know, that's where we were too. But the beautiful thing is, when you
can get, you know, part of what I do, there's some initial training that I get, you know, I, there's initial
training that I put you through in the very beginning of my course. And that initial training, immediately

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starts dealing with your nervous system. So I start, I start having you work with that physiology where
all that trauma has been. And this is the trauma not only from your main life, but also from the
relationship that you've had with your spouse over the years. And I actually end up, you know, this
training that I give you the very, very beginning of my course, we'll start immediately dealing with that
so that your nervous system can release that stuff and start to relax and be

26:57
it will become calm, and it won't, you know, one of the things I can tell you is that there's a reactionary
quality that when you have, you know, when you have emotional baggage and you know, you trigger
each other in your relationship, what happens is you there's a trigger, and when the trigger goes off,
you end up reacting to each other and really harsh ways. And some, some people yell, and some
people withdraw. And they and they just end up the more that a person who tends to withdraw, feels
like they're not being heard or seen or understood or celebrated or supported, the more they feel the
lack of those five to thrive, marriage needs, they end up just not even responding to you, they just start
avoiding you ignoring you, if you want to talk about things, they won't talk with you because they're
basically saying, I don't believe that, you know, in their mind, they've already learned over the years
that they know you don't see them, hear them, understand them, celebrate them or support them in the
ways they feel they need it. And you probably have no clue because that's how I felt my husband, the
reason he wasn't, you know, willing to be with me that way anymore was because he didn't feel that I
saw him hurt him understood him, you know, celebrated him or supported him in the ways he needed.
And I was angry about that. Because I felt like what do you mean, I'm constantly seeing you here and
you understand you celebrating and supporting you, because I knew all the ways that I was doing it for
him. And he said, Yes, that's true, you're doing those things. But those are not the things that matter to
me, these things over here are what matters to me, and you're not doing any of those. So the way you
actually go about doing it for your partner has to be based on the unique makeup and nature of your
partner. And that's why in my program, I give you that very individualized, you know, basically
instructions operating instructions for both you and your partner. So you will have complete
understanding of like, oh my God, no wonder things have not been working I am this way, I can see this
from this long report that shows me, you know, or from from these detailed operating instructions, I'm
not going to use the report, because that might make them think of like, things like Myers Briggs or
something, it's not that so I can see from these detailed operating instructions that are mine, how
different I am from my spouse, and I can see that no wonder this is not relating because this is what
she needs to see and hear and unders you know, this is what she needs. And I need this and I'm trying
to communicate her with the way I need things. But that doesn't register for her, you know, so
everything I'm saying here is actually hitting the nail on the head, I can feel this.

29:35
And I pause the recording. So at this point in I I kind of hit a place where I wasn't getting more
information. So I thought maybe that is complete to that. The only other idea I have is that I could also
mention in terms of what I will, you know, to help them understand what's in the course. I could also
mention the

29:59
I don't want to

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30:00
refer to it as a book, I would just say I also include a detailed story about a man and his relationship,
you know, in his marriage with his wife and the problems they're having, and how they, you know, what
he learned what he discovered about the laws of the universe that turned around his life. And this is a,
it's actually it is a story, it's not one person, it's actually a composite of many different people's lives.
And that way, you know, but it's very relatable when when you read it, you will recognize yourself in it,
you will recognize exactly what happens in our relationships. And it gives us a, it gives us a point of
reference that we can refer back to, you know, throughout the course, it gives us a point of reference
that we all have in common, because everybody's situation is different from each other. But we also, in
addition to our own situations, will all all also have this one common, you know, story that that we will
refer to because the way the story is detailed, it's very, very helpful. And it will allow us to refer back to
it many times as as I continue teaching through the course. So it's just a tool, it's just an additional tool
that I include, that makes it very, very helpful.

31:20
And it's possible, there may be, you know, one or two other things that I need to spell out for, to help
them understand what they'll get in the program. And obviously, I need to go through that there's 12
modules in the live, you know, live q&a. So that needs to be in there as well. But I want to make sure
that I can relate, I need to be able to poke holes in what they talk about, help them identify what's really
been going on in their lives, and then help them understand what

31:50
help them understand that what I have is, you know, customized.

31:56
So and I'm definitely going to be needing to compare these universal laws of love to, to the ordinary
human advice that's out in the world as completely different things. Because ordinary human advice is
generally just strategies and methods, that people and they're often based on theories, you know, and
theories are just theories. But these are actual laws of the universe. And they are like mathematical
laws, they work no matter where you are. It's because it's how the human is. It's human nature. It's how
we're designed. And this is exactly what works every time and once you know what they are, then you
have you have

32:35
you basically have the playbook of the universe, you have the playbook to follow so you can be
successful.

32:42
This is what men have wanted forever. Could I get instructions to that woman I'm married to I don't
understand her. Could I get some operating instructions? And could you give me a playbook so if I
follow the playbook, I know I'll be successful. And that's what I do. You know, so I'll put it that way as
well. So I'm gonna stop this recording and I'm gonna ask Lisette to get this right away.

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